10.1.17 Glooming to Gloaming

October 1st, 2017 8:14am Berkeley, CA

I woke up this morning from a dream where we invited a couple over to our table and all of a sudden their kids (5?) were at our house. They gave us a piano, it seem to fit in this one spot quite nicely. There was more to the dream.

I woke up around 5:30am, slightly agitated. I masturbated and came twice. I started talking to D in my head, I just want him to use my sister as our broker. It seems fucked up that he wouldn’t. I said out loud, can’t you do this as a favor to me? For all the times you thanked me for helping out your brother, I just want to be able able to thank you for helping out my sister. All of this stemmed form the conversation that I had with my psychic yesterday. She asked me why is my sister popping up so much when we’re talking about the house. I told her it’s because she’s a broker, and D doesn’t want to use her. My psychic thought that was odd and fucked up as well. Why not? He thinks she won’t get us the best price as another broker. It’s the market not the broker that bares the price, she says, which has been echoing in my head since, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna tell D that. K the psychic thinks I should definitely go with my sister, she’ll work harder than anybody, she has good ethics, she’s the right person. I totally agree. That’s what my gut tells me. It’s funny how I’ve never met K the psychic in person (she lives in LA), we’ve had three conversations this year (one in Jan, one in Feb, and one yesterday), but everything she says has been very spot on. She does this thing where at the beginning of the call, without me saying anything, she describes what she senses. Our first call in January, she told me that I’m depleted and need to take care of myself. At the time of the call, I felt fine. I thought she was off, but a week after our talk I went into a multi-month phase of feeling completely drained. One could say the symptoms were similar to chronic fatigue and depression. I called it my cocooning phase. Later I found out it’s called a light activation phase. Anyways, back to yesterday, when we started the call, I was feeling very present and meditative. I went for a stroll though Berkeley. It felt like a walking meditation, for some reason, I couldn’t go strait home after the dungeon. I needed to stay outdoors from 4pm till sunset. I came home around 6:30 which was when I had my call with K. I sat outside on my meditation mat, and dialed her. K sensed grief or sadness and that I’m seeking alternative options on something. She was right about the alternative options part, but thought she was off about the grief. I told her I’m feeling meditative hence the calm voice. But now I know better, she’s a step ahead of me, because right now as I’m writing this, I’m feeling sadness and grief. I hand wrote my morning pages earlier and cried and kept on staring at Cutie (my stuffed panda) and kept on saying, I feel abandoned. It’s a weird bittersweet feeling. Part of me is sad, but it’s this weird gentle sadness because part of me knows that this is all part of the journey and it’s always gonna get better. I’m grateful for the opportunity to feel this sadness because I’m examining it, writing about it, and just an hour ago I had the epiphany that I will share these raw feelings and thoughts on Pervette, so in a way it’s all healing and fruitful. I meditated before my morning pages. I was outside on my mediation mat and zafu, surrounded by greenery, watching the sky change from navy blue with twinkling stars to pink and peach. For a few minutes the wind picked up and I can hear the sounds of each tree rustling, at different points, the eucalyptus, the acacia, the 4 other tall trees which I don’t know the names of, they each had their own distinct sound when the wind blew through them. I know what this feeling is, it’s mono no aware. I’m very keenly aware of the impermanence of everything, this beautiful house I reside in, this relationship that I’m in, this feeling of bliss as I sit in my spot watching the sun rise. Everything is changing, nothing will ever be the same from moment to moment, so all I have is this moment.

It’s funny how I’m writing about death and impermanence on Pervette, and here I am, facing that impermanence, feeling the resistance to change, because I got attached. When I’m writing to you the reader, I’m really just writing to myself. I write about the need to clean in order to change, and yet here I am, amazon priming vitamins and books, like crazy. On average I accumulate 6 books a week. But I need them. Because eventually I’m going to connect all the dots/books. Anyways, I’m aware of the irony, the slight hypocrisy, but it’s as though I have two selves. The one who knows better vs. the one who wants what it wants, and for the most part it doesn’t want change. It’s like the wise self vs. the ego. I guess it’s a good thing that I’m still struggling with my ego, because I can identify with everyone else who also has an ego (which is like 97% of the population). I’m no ascetic monk. I’m no Buddha. I don’t have a Christ Consciousness. Well I take it back, I think we all have God within us, I think the Buddha mind/Christ Consciousness is actually buried inside underneath the ego, and we just need to do the work, the cleaning up, the digging, the unlearning of our conditioning to get to that wise all-knowing core. It’s like that book, The Inner Game of Tennis,I gotta quiet self 2 (the ego) so I can let Self 1 (the wise all knowing self) do its thing.

As I’m writing this I can feel a lump or knot in my throat. I’m chanting now, and it feels better. These vocal lessons are paying off, I feel like I can chant my way out of any tension.

It’s like I know, this is all part of the process, learning how to let go. I know that every time I do, there’s always something better on the other side. It’s just hard to see that other side when I’m currently thoroughly enjoying this massive playhouse on top of the hill tucked away in lush nature. I gave K the psychic the background story, my partner D wants to have a second home base. He wants to be a house in Santa Monica. So we’ll be splitting our time between LA and SF. He wants to keep the high rise penthouse in the city and sell the Berkeley house. That was essentially the reason for the call. I wanted to know what’s gonna happen, are we gonna sell this beloved house? Or is some miracle going to happen and I’ll get to keep it. Nope. He’s gonna win, she says. Awww man! I was hoping for the miracle. She says it’s gonna move quickly. We’ll have a place in LA by Feb or March of next year. Fuck that’s fast. She said something will happen in 8 weeks. Fuck me, that’s way too fast. We’re gonna have separate residences. And our relationship will be challenged, and I’m gonna go through an identity crisis for the next 6 months, she says. Ugh. God I wish she was wrong. Fuck…
She says all I can do is let things unfold, take a step back, don’t try to force anything. I might take a break and take off for a month and a half at the beginning of the year. After this period, D will come back friendly. When I hear her say those words, he will come back friendly, I know what she means, that he’s gonna go through this period where he’s not friendly. I’ve noticed the pattern, every Winter, we go through the darkest days in our relationship, something happens and it challenges us. It’s the phase where we have to work on ourselves. When D gets challenged, he bails. He takes off and shuts off. Every time he does this, it triggers me. I feel abandoned because I really am abandoned. I don’t have a partner to support me, in fact he’s the reason that I fall into this spiral of sadness, because I feel shut out and left behind. I’m crying as I write this. Because the pain of abandonment is so painful, and to know it’s gonna happen again in the very near future, in fact, it’s already happening.

K says there will be a restructuring in the relationship at the end of the 6 months, At that point I will ask myself, is this who I want to be with?

11:47am

I just made egg tacos for brunch, topped off the hot tub and surveyed the backyard that I had landscaped and built out last summer. I made the bed, pulled up the roman shade that I had put in this last winter, and it was the way the bright light entered the room, midday bright light on a Sunday, I associate it with a melancholy loneliness that I used to feel ever since I was 4, alone in the living room, with nothing to do. It’s the feeling like no one is here except for me, and maybe I shouldn’t be here. Yesterday when I went for the later afternoon stroll down shattuck from Vine to Virginia, I felt a feeling that I felt when I was on acid with G and we were strolling down Solano Ave Like this place feels the same after all these years, people are still waiting in a long line for Cheesboard pizza, families will continue hanging out with their kids on a Saturday, it felt suburban and old. Like maybe it is time to leave. I know it’s all perceptual. On a weekday, around campus, I love the vibe of Berkeley. But there’s something about Saturdays and Sundays, they can highlight the stagnancy of places, there’s a feeling of wondering where’s the fun? It’s definitely not here. Even though I felt all that I was in this state of extreme peace. It was a wave of presentness that sept over me. I feel like it was a sign saying keep this calmness with you, in spite of the feelings, as change is about to happen.

Slave Paul was supposed to come over at 2 to take out the trash and sweep. Maybe I’ll have him come over sooner. I’m in the mood to snack on some Have a Corn Chips. I always make him come over with a bag of Have a corn Chips, and then take it away when he leaves, otherwise if left to myself, I would inhale the whole bag. I’m in the mood to snack on something crunchy, which I guess means I’m agitated. I’m also in the mood to take a picture of all the books that inspire Pervette, I think I’ll need a second pair of hands in taking that picture. But honestly, I just something comforting, and Paul’s presence is very comforting. He listens and he doesn’t impose his needs and desires. Brb. I called him he’s coming over at 1 with the chips.

10:22pm

Just got back from the city. Whoa. Things took a turn for the best since I last wrote to you. Paul came over around 1 with a bag of Have A Corn Chips. I snacked on the chips as I told Paul what the psychic said. How the next 6 months is gonna be challenging, I’m gonna go through an identity crisis, everything’s gonna move quickly, we’ll sell the house, get a house in LA by Feb/Mar, our relationship will be strained. I started to cry when I told him I’m going the emotions of feeling abandoned. Paul sat on the floor, held his knees and listened intently. He tried to talk me down the ledge gently by saying maybe the psychic is slightly off with her hunches. No, she always right I said. It’s a pattern every winter it gets rally rough and painful, I tell him matter of factly, this is how it is. I tore through the whole bag of corn chips. I felt slightly disgusted with myself. Paul assured me it’s a small bag relative to most bags of chips. I thanked him for making me feel better. He swept the floors and took out the trash as I washed my latex and lingerie. P texted asking if she can borrow 400 to make sure she can get her rent paid on time. I texted her back saying I do have 400 and if she wants she can come over right now. Paul wanted to transfer the gopro footage of the session on to his hard drive, but I couldn’t find the sd card adaptor for the reader. It should be in the tiny drawer in the cabinet above the circular sink. But it wasn’t. I got frustrated with myself, I have too much shit, I feel disgusted with myself, I told Paul. Paul talked me out of it. Look at all you’ve done, you can’t..I don’t remember the rest of his words. I found the sd card adaptor, it was in the tiny drawer, I just didn’t see it the first time around. We transferred the footage and got to see what it looked like. The footage was creepy and awesome. Not bad! D texted asking if I wanna hang out tonight. I said sure. He asked if I wanted to check out House of Air, a giant trampoline house in the marina. I says yeah, sounds muppety. We makes plans to meet at 6 in the city. Just then, my friend P texted, she needed 400 dollars to make rent on the 1st. She felt bad for asking. I told her no worries, I have 400 on me, come on over.

Paul takes off, P arrives around 4:44 and tells me all about her birthday trip at Mt. Shasta from which she just got back. It was everything she needed, she said. She sounded, looked and felt different to me. When I was talking to P last week, I had to talk her down the ledge. She felt like her supposed friend was bullying her, which I think was true. It’s been hard for her, actually her whole life has been hard. And so it makes sense her outlook is skewed to negative and her low vibration was attracting low vibration people.  So to see her so radiant was a dramatic shift.

She told me all about her trip and the revelations she had. She hiked to the top of the mountain and cried and cried. She stuck her head in the stream and drank the water, she arrived at the realization that it doesn’t matter what’s going to happen, she’s going to be okay. Wow. To hear her say everything is going to be okay was huge, transformational even. Her pilgrimage to the mountain healed her as it helped her gain perspective. It made her realize how little she was and so were her problems. She wants to move out there and live off the land. At times, she wanted to toss her cell phone. Her happiest day was her birthday where she laying on a boat in the lake looking up at the sky.

I was absorbing her idea and realizing that the answer to her problem was actually the answer to my problem. I totally want to move out to the mountains and live out my monk fantasy. There I will be in nature, and I can just meditate and write all day.  I realize the main reason why I was sad to leave the Berkeley house was because I had fallen in love with nature.  I loved how I can wake up in the morning walk outside my bedroom door, be in the woods, climb my tree, or sit in my secret spot overlooking the hills and watch the sun rise. The sounds of nature, trees whistling, birds chirping, coyotes howling have replaced my pop music and it’s all I want to listen to. Being in nature makes me feel like a kid again. Like I’m in a magical dream, one  I never want to wake up from. So to hear that we’re going to selling this house was devastating. I couldn’t see myself being happy just in a high rise in the city or a house in Santa Monica, I need a cocoon among the trees to counterbalance Soma and Santa Monica. I also knew I want my own place outside of the high rise in the Bay Area. We can’t live together for longer than a day at a time. Besides he can’t stand my collections of books, cameras, and muppet stuff. And I can’t stand his non-appreaction for my sentimentality towards my favorite things. But where will I be? I couldn’t see myself in a condo, apartment, loft or any place in the sub/urban flatlands. I sound so spoiled I know. But once you’ve tasted the fruits of nature life, you can’t go back. I thought I needed to be in Berkeley hills to get the nature I needed. But now I’m realizing I could get nature elsewhere and it doesn’t need to be a giant hilltop house in Berkeley. I can buy a plot of land somewhere, build a yurt, or a small cottage, and live super simply. Be the monk in the mountains. And when I’m ready for a change in pace, I’ll stay in the city, session for a few days, or fly down to LA. Cottage, penthouse, beach house. That feels right.  And then my mind started spinning, I can build a few cottages, invite my friends out, and we can start a commune, farm, cook together, perform rituals, hold ceremonies, make music, hold retreats..

P’s visit was a godsend. I may have lent her 400 dollars, but what she gave me was priceless. She helped me find the way out of the darkness. along wit ha water bottle she lent me a while back when it was filled with cinnamon rose water blessed by Madrina. She also had a glass bottle for me filled with mountain spring water she bottled herself in Mt Shasta. Amazing. I heard somewhere that the first thing you should put in your body when you woke up was mountain spring water but didn’t know where to get it. I gave her a ride back to her place. I went into the city. Swooped D up, he was happy to see me. He asked how my day was, I told him about my emotional morning. He was empathetic. We went into the Presidio to catch the sun set. The sky was electric pink. Then we went to House of Air and checked out the trampolines there. We hopped around, I did a few flips and now my neck is sore. We then got dinner at Issa, some restaurant I never heard of. D says it was the hip place he and the guys would go to back in the early aughts. The decor hasn’t changed since I think. It’s weird how something so hip then can look so dated and drab now, the salads were decent, the entrees took forever. D told me he too has been in monk mode and feeling floaty. He’s happy to see me because I ground him. He misses me and wants more quality time together. I told him I’d love that. I know I’ve been quiet. But I figure since he’s the avoidant type, it’s better for me to err on the side of giving him more space and having him come arrive at when he wants to hang out more. He said that’s probably the best thing I could’ve done. He asked how my sister was doing, I said she’s struggling, working 60 plus hours a week and not making any money. That’s why I really want her to be our broker. He said for sure he’ll go with her.

Its funny how I woke up fretting about the future and past conversations, and then by nighttime, all of my fears, complaints and conflicts dissolved? I was feeling abandoned, when in fact D was really looking forward to seeing me and wants to spend more time with me. I was upset that D wasn’t gonna use my sister as a broker, but now he’s cool with it. I was feeling uncertain about my housing situation then I figured it out with the help of P. Funny how I helped her out of a bind and she helped me out of my bind. Now I need to take a survivalist bootcamp, gather all my friends who know how to build houses, and follow the signs to where I should go and build my yurt.