Dear Ba,
Here’s what I remember..
It was Monday, May 11th12020 around 8am.
I woke up and recorded my dream. It was a good dream.2one where I met one of my sheros, Tavi GevinsonThen I heard a knock on the front door.
J called out my nickname, Y.
Strange that she’s here. And at this time of day. Maybe she’s just in the neighborhood, stopping by. Maybe we can go for a socially distant walk. That would be nice.
I went upstairs, opened the door. J was wearing a surgical mask and bright orange rubber gloves. Behind her, by the curb was her boyfriend, coming out of his car and opening the trunk. I was happy to see her.
Hey J, what’s going on? I asked.
Mom and I have been calling you, we’ve been trying to get a hold of you all morning.3Oh right I heard the landline phone ringing earlier, I just thought it was a relentless robocall, and went back to my dream
Oh sorry, I was asleep. Why, what’s going on?
Then I noticed her eyes, the only part of my face I could see, it was swollen and red.
.
Dad died
He killed himself
.
Those two lines.
It hit me. 4No, it struck me.
I put them together
.
Then I saw you in my mind.
Like I never had before,
collapsed and lifeless.
.
My face raked and twisted.
I placed my hands on the sides of my head,
to hold those words together
and the image of you
that I didn’t want to see.
.
Shock, pain, disbelief, I felt it all at once.
.
WHAT??
I screamed
NOOOOOOOOOO!
I screamed
.
It was guttural, the sounds coming out of me.
A small part of me was aware but didn’t care that I was waking up the whole neighborhood to my nightmare.
.
How?
How did he die?
I asked J
.
He stabbed himself in the heart
.
More words
That hurt.
.
Then I saw you.
I saw your face, sad and in pain
I saw your two hands
to your heart
holding tight
I saw the knife.
.
I felt your pain.
Not from the knife.
But the point leading up to it.
And my heart splintered.
.
Ba
How sad were you??5And how did I not see this?
.
I saw J’s eyes
Seeing the anguish in my face
She quickly took off her mask and gloves.
And opened her arms for me
I held her tiny frail body so tightly, like I never had before.
I held her as if I was holding you
.
WHY?
I asked her through my sobs and tears.
WHY did he do it?
WHY did he do it?
WHY did he do it?
.
Why?
.
Why Ba?
Why did you do it?