Dear Pervette
Do you want to hear me mumble? You can hear me read and edit this post if you hit play… (if you don’t see the audio player, try refreshing your page, that might do the trick)
Dear Pervette,
I had this thought when I was in the shower the other day. I’m going to start a diary, right now, right here, to you. Because I think this might be the answer to my self-inflicted problem. The problem where I think my writing isn’t good enough to share. It makes me cringe when I read my own writing. It’s funny, how I can be completely fine with showing the world my body, but if I were to show you my writing, eeugh, that’s when I really feel naked. So that’s where I’ve been, stuck in this internal conflict where I want to share with you my world, but I’m way too self-conscious about how I write it up.
But I think I just found a way to get unstuck. It came to me when I was home for Thanksgiving. I had found my diary from high school. I only wrote a few entries in it but what I read reminded me that I was always that weird girl who was lost inside her own head and trying to figure life out. It’s rare for me to be drawn to my own writing, but here I was, drawn in to my diary. Maybe because I was curious to see who I was back then. But also because I liked the way I wrote. I wrote like I didn’t care. My words were a direct expression of my interior world with no trace of inhibitions or self-consiousness. And my diary was a vessel into which I can pour my unfiltered thoughts and feelings. I realized, that’s exactly what I want Pervette to be.
So that’s why, Pervette, I’m writing to you as my diary. Because I’m still trying to figure myself out. And because I need to write to know what I think. Because all this stuff is in my head and I just need to get it out.
So if you promise not to judge me on how I write, then I promise to write without fear. And I promise I’ll stop asking myself how do I sound? Because that’s all I’ve been doing—writing, stopping and worrying… Do I sound too weird? Too perverted? Too narcissisitic? Too woo-woo? The answer is probably yes. Because I am all those things. So I’ll just be me. And the expectation is that you’ll accept me.
Speaking of expectations, here’s what you can come to expect. I’m going to write as fast as I can, stream of consciousness fast. I’m going to be a grammatical psychopath along the way. Because I really want to go deep. Deep into my subconscious. I want to talk about my darkest fantasies, my traumas, my childhood, my dreams, and my visions. These are all my secrets that I’ve been keeping to myself. And I keep on wondering, will I feel less alone if my most private self was heard and understood?
Here’s what might happen. If you had a fantasy of Colette being a perfect Goddess, that will most likely be smashed. I’ve been going back and forth on how much of myself do I reveal. If I keep the mystique of Colette, then the range of what I can say is limited by the illusion of what Colette is. And as far as you (the fantasy-holder) know, she only has one relationship. With you. But the reality is that I have hundreds of relationships. They’re all unique and far from conventional. And I love them all. As they’ve made me me. To understand me is to understand my relationships and how I conceptualize them. To break through to the other side, I have to tell you everything.
Here’s how Pervette is different from my high school diary. My diary was a thing that I anthropomorphized. I treated this book like it was my confidant. It was alive, but only in my own head. But with Pervette, it’s not a thing. It’s an entity, that exists outside of myself as it’s made up of you, the readers and contributors. And you can write back to me. And share with me your thoughts. As I reflect upon myself, you reflect back.
Maybe you’ll validate me, maybe you’ll tell me to consider another perspective, maybe you can help me see myself through your eyes. Maybe you can help me grow. Maybe you’ll tell me I’m not alone.
photo: Colette reflecting
audio: Colette finding her voice
I truely appreciate how you are struggling to be honest with yourself. It is hard work.
Ms. Colette,
Phew. You had me worried with the whole aspect of experiencing your own death. I am certain that I do not stand alone among your fans, when I say that we have always wanted to hear your true voice. Over the years, you have let everyone gradually peek behind the curtain with your website and various social media. Getting to know a myriad of different sides of you has never diluted how I see you as a person. Those who wish to view you only as a goddess will be left behind. I encourage you to share much more in an unadulterated fashion and will support you however I may. Thank you once again for being you.
I had a few thoughts while reading this, that I hope you don’t mind my sharing.
First — you talk about how different you feel about showing your body compared to showing your writing. That does make some sense, since while you show your body, I haven’t seen your entire face in any of your pictures, only the lower half. (You may recall my comment to you about when we first met, I did not realize your ancestry.) Never your eyes — and as Paolo Coelho said, “The eyes are the mirror of the soul.” One’s writing is also a mirror into the soul, so my understanding your feelings about this comes from that.
Second — Your writing is a gift to your readers. I am grateful to read it — as I mentioned the last time we were together, I am trying to more actively take an interest in others, rather than passively listening. I care about my friends, but have never been good at showing it. As an individual, I hope I can actively help you explore yourself. If I may suggest — it would be interesting to read one of those high school diary entries here. I know I’ll read it as a gift, tendered with affection, with only acceptance.
Third — The only critic of your writing that really matters is you. We’re not a bunch of English teachers here (even if someone here does teach) and we’re certainly not a dissertation examining committee. If you are saying what you want to say, that’s fine.
Fourth — I assume you’ve read Ulysses. Stream of conscious is a well respected form.
Fifth — Only you can truly validate you. Remember how I’d tell you when we met that I needed validation from others? I’ve had to come to learn that the only validation that matters is that from within.
Sixth — Radical Acceptance is an important lesson from a recent period of therapy for me. I have been endeavoring to accept what is, and not try to force what I want. It is not easy! But we are what we are. and accepting ourselves for that is important. It is my incorporation of radical acceptance that helped me to realize that the only validation that really mattered was my own. We can talk more about this journey when we meet again next week.
Seventh — I was looking at the navigation icon on the left, and it caused a little dissonance in me. The published articles on the front page are listed in reverse chronological order, so the next oldest is on the right (or down a row.) Yet the icon has the next oldest to the left. Meanwhile, I’ve been reading about Calabi-Yau space, M-Theory, and the like, so I don’t know which way is up. Or whatever direction applies in ten dimensional space.
Dearest ‘Colette’
Im glad you’ve chosen to share your words. There’s power in authenticity. Don’t edit yourself; your writing is beautiful.
You are sensual, stunning, and incredibly inspiring to a woman such as myself.
I hope you pour out every ounce of ugly, beautiful, twisted truth you have within you; I will gladly soak up every single word.
xo
A <3
Thank you so much for all of your kind words. With you pushing me along, I promise, I’ll keep on writing…
Colette
You are a very talented writer and should pursue it. Ever consider writing a book? In my opinion, you could do well writing about your life, and times, or erotic fiction– women would buy the book. I think Xia is also a fine writer as well so you both could get into it and write erotic novels for women to enjoy. Honestly, if I was your BF, that’s what I would be saying…
Like Carol King said, dont listen to anyone else, just put it out there and let the public decide if its good. Write a manuscript, and send out 400 copies to literary agents and see what happens. Use your photos as well as they are very attractive.
S,
Thank you for your friendly push and BF advice 😉 Your ideas are not too far from my own. I do have visions of writing a book. I’m hoping my writing here can be distilled into a How To Guide to Life in the disguise of a a How to Guide to Kink in the disguise of a memoir, or vice versa. I also have visions of making erotic film/high art porn based on my twisted fantasies, because they’re dying to come out…
Colette
Lovely share. Keep writing. Its beautiful. Thank you.