Sunday, April 14, 2019

Dear U,

(From what I can remember..)

I arrived a little bit early (7:51am) to T&B’s room for the 8am sit.

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The door was unlocked. The room was dark. I was the first one to arrive. I can feel tension in the air.

Their hello was short.

I quietly sat down on my spot, on the 2 purple cushions that I left there.

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P came in.

He broke the awkward tension

And we started talking about how we travel.

P says we don’t actually do much when we travel, we tend to avoid touristy attractions, we just go out to our favorite cafe’s and market. We like settling into a city as if it was home.

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The 8am sit was filled with some thoughts here and there. I was the last one sitting. It doesn’t feel right to get up before the guru does. But everyone did. When the guru got up to walk to the bathroom, he placed his hand on my head as he walked by me.

I heard from J2 that you’re not supposed to touch the guru. He learned that when he accidentally shook the guru’s hand. T, the swarmi, says one might get addicted if they do.

So what does it mean that he touched my head?

I can’t help but to feel special.

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I think I’ve always had a reverence towards my teachers ever since 2nd grade.

Maybe that’s why I always end up being the teacher’s pet.

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In my meditation I saw me and P sitting at the prime spot at breakfast.

After our meditation, we walked to breakfast.

The breakfast staff saved P’s table from earlier before the meditation. They didn’t clear his latte. So we ended up sitting in the prime table.

N joined us.

He gives J3 and his wife’s marriage 5 years before they get a divorce. Everybody can sense the tension between them at dinner last night.

It’s crazy how when a group of us hang out together for an extended period of time, like a tribe, we’re all prone to gossip.

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K joins us for breakfast, she orders waffles and pancakes.

I take a tiny nibble of the waffle.

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It’s our ritual for the past few days now.

Wake up.

8am meditation.

A long brunch at the Ritz, with our friends sitting down at our table to join us.

Head back to the room, to read and lazily nap on the settee.

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Feels like a lazy Sunday.

P says he has the song for me.

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He plays “Feels like a Sunday”

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I do lunch at Bella by myself.

Kale Salad

And tempeh lettuce wraps.

And a forest green smoothie, which was really sweet.

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I head to Lazy Cats because K texted saying she’ll be there after she makes a run to Lingsir, the paper store.

She never arrives, she texts to say she needs to head back to breastfeed before the 5pm meditation.

I got what I wanted, a solo afternoon to myself.

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After our 5pm sit, I went downstairs to go pee. P was there when I got out. He hugged and kissed me, we were both in a lovey dovey affectionate mood. It must be the meditation

Monday, April 15, 2019

 

Dear U,

 

48 hours left.

 

The men can’t see it, but things are coming to a culmination.

 

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This morning I feel great.

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I think yesterday morning, after the meditation, I also felt charged and focused.

 

But then N sat down at our table. There’s something about his energy, alpha male, know it all, believes women should be seen, not heard. He gives advice never receives them. He is a brainiac. A left-brainiac.

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Will we do acid?

Will we do a photoshoot?

 

In the next 48 hours?

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It’s funny how I’ve had no desire to take any pictures really on this trip.

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I’m deeply immersed in the flow of my feelings and whims.

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If I can’t seem to open my laptop I won’t. As much as I want to tell you everything.

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I realize that you’re missing all the important details of this trip, you can’t really see how all of this is unfolding.

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(P moved over to the tale with T to talk crypto, and I now I have this alone time to write to you).

 

At some point, I will tell you the full story.

Without exposing anyone’s privacy.

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I think I’m too in it to tell you everything. It’s still unfolding, I don’t want to report and reflect just yet.

Moment by moment, I’m feeling into my intuition.

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People are coming up to us, wanting to see what our plans are fro the day.

The pretty girls (who look like models btw) that are joining for the meditation, afterwards they want to come along to our dinners.

Maybe because we have a celebrity of sorts in our group, and we travel with a legit guru and swarmi, we’re tagged as the cool kids.

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N doesn’t want anyone to be folded into the group dinners anymore.

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The big dick keychains we see everywhere in the markets, wtf?

N tells us it’s Shiva’s lingam, the great destroyer.

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I want vagina keychains.

The great creator.

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I tell P I’m so proud of him. He’s into Day 6 of no cannabis and not phased at all. I think he’s welcoming it.

Thank god for meditation.

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I fear that I might forget the details.

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Breakfast: nibble of mushroom chocolate, lemon water, mint tea, custom green juice, sliced avocados, a custom omelette, a mini croissant dipped in P’s latte,

 

Lunch: rainbow salad, blood flow juice, some gluten free banana bread with cinnamon butter, a sip of P’s chocolate coconut smoothie at WAMM (what about my mother)

Snack: Raw Ubud chocolate

Dinner: Elephant salad, sips

 

Tuesday, April 16, 2019 10:29am

 

Dear U,

It’s our last full day in Bali. We’ve been here for almost one month. It’s been our best trip yet.

And we half-planned it quite perfectly. As I wouldn’t want to leave a day sooner or later.

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We both feel ready to get back to the states.

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No acid trip.

Our psychedelics was replaced by our trippy meditation.

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There’s a lot to be missed here…

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We plan on doing a photoshoot later today.

 

 

April 17, 2019 9pmish

The OC

 

It feels strange to be back in the OC.

I was looking forward to eating some fruit when I got home.

Instead, there’s only processed food here: crackers, cookies, biscuits. There are some clementines laying around on the kitchen island, they look lke they’ve been sitting there for weeks.

My mom said there’s some dehydrated guava my sister got for her hwn she was in Taiwan that she used as an offering on the altar. She says a a prayer to the statue of deity of prosperity and takes the packet down form the altar.

Funny how both my sister and I went to Asia and brought home dried fruits for my mom as souvenirs from our travels.

I’m sure she did some last minute souvenir shopping at the airport (like I did).

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My mom says she was looking forward to me coming home so I can get rid of this pesky voice on the TV, every time she presses the volume button or any button, there’s a voice announcing every action. It must be the universal access thing for the vision impaired, I imagine.

She tries to demonstrate what she was talking about and presses some buttons on the remote.

What? It’s gone? she’s bewildered. It was there for a month and it was so annoying.

She asks for help on how to access this korean soap opera on a vietnamese webpage through the TV. She’s been watching it on her ipad but she wants to watch it on the big screen. I pull it up for her. She’s excited for a minute then she gets sucked into the korean drama.

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I told her I’m gonna go for a walk since I’ve been on the plane for a day.

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The air is crisp and cool, a nice 65 degrees. The air here is very different from Bali. I welcome the difference, maybe there’s just a slight nostalgia for the warm, humid, sweet air.

There I can smell the fruit and flowers in the air, here I can smell freshly cut and watered lawn.

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The moon looks full, it lights up the sidewalk of the cul de sac of the gated community.

It’s hitting me, I’m no longer in the tropical paradise of Bali. No more yummy vegan food and cool concoctions of juices and tonics.

And I couldn’t have picked a more diametric opposite spot to transition from.

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My mom is watching a vietnamese variety show in the famiuily room, the sounds of Vietnamese comedy skit is in the background, I’m here writing to you, in the dining room, no lights on, sipping on tea.

I can’t wait for tomorrow morning to come. First stop, Mother’s market. I want to make a salad.

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P texts me a picture of him checking out at Erewhon. 11:55pm, he made it just in time. So jealous.

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20 min later, he texts me a pic of his receipt from In N Out.

So Cali.

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Funny how I have te energy to write now. Maybe because I also know this is a very forgettable moment. Coming home to my mom on her ipad and watching TV. Yet I want to remember it. The funny transition from a tropical paradise to blaise suburbia.

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Maybe I should’ve had P book me a flight to leave the OC on Thursday rather than Friday afternoon. I wanted to be here with my mom, but I forgot, how foreign her world is to me.

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The walk outside under the moon was nice. The scenery was boring (just giant track houses and manicured lawns) so I made it short, a slow walk around the cul de sac and now I’m about to take a shower.

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Funny how I only write about the quotidien.

I hope I go back and tell you about the last night in Bali. The last day, and everything before that.

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Maybe because there’s somuch to say, I get overwhelmed about where to begin.

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I want to clip my nails and take a shower..

 

What I put inside me:

Thursday, April 18, 2019 11:17pm

Mom’s house – The OC

 

Dear U,

I think I kicked this jet lag in the butt.

In fact, I didn’t even feel it that much really.

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I went to bed at 1:44am last night. And woke up at 8:11am because the blinds were up and it was bright in my old bedroom.

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I meditated for 37 min in the family room. I was in a deeply calm headspace as I waled out into the backyard barefoot. It felt grounding to the feel the stone and grass under my feet.

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I said a prayer to the sun. I walked around to examine all the fruit trees in the backyard. I picked a cara cara orange and kumquat from my tree.

I watched a buzzy little bird or giant dragonfly buzz around in the sky. It would do a few circles in the air and then dart across the sky.  And repeat.

I looked up and watched/ heard a light brown bird perched on our little chimney exhaust thing hoo hoo like an owl

There are neat nature sounds here too, even in suburbia.

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I can’t really describe too well how incredibly blissful that tiny walk in the backyard was. The tranquility of the meditation carried over, and I was so grateful that I have this extra day in Orange County, to be in a completely different setting, and soaking up the perfect OC weather, the blue skies, and appreciate the well manicured greenery around me. It was so nice my heart hurt.

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My heart continued to swell, as I drove down the 57 and 22 highway to Au Lac.

I found the LA oldies station on the AM dial. 1260AM.

I haven’t heard oldies on the radio for years.

Ever since KEarth 101, the local oldies station plays hits from the 70’s and 80’s now. Jesus. I guess it’s a sign, I’m getting old.

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The old oldies playing (Tammy, No One’s Around Now, Bread (the band)) the bright sunny day down the wide socal highway, the sight and sound of it all, it brought me back to my childhood and teenage years.

My heart, my senses, were completely overwhelmed by nostalgic bliss.  So much I could weep. But I didn’t, I just enjoyed the ride.

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Au Lac looked as though it was closed. The whole exterior of the old 90’s strip mall was getting renovated. There were construction workers working on its roof. The glass front looked boarded up from the inside.

The man sitting in his car, next to mine, came out of his car and opened the door to Au Lac and went in. Oh, it’s open.

So I went in. The interior was very 90’s. Black booth seats, r ed tables. They intentionally blocked out all the light from outside to create this strange red and black 90’s club feeling. This is the opposite of Bali’s light and airy ambiance.

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Despite the weird interior, the menu looked very yummy and promising. I wanted to order and try everything.

I did as I would in Bali, I ordered 2 entrees and a salad (the raw kelp stirfry noodles, raw vegan maki roll and seaweed salad) and a a green drink.

I snapped pics of the menu to send to my mom. I called her up and asked what looks good to her.

We decided together on the lemongrass tofu with forbidden rice. She said only to order one thing for her. I threw in th e BBQ “pork” spring rolls as well.

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The vegan food totally hit the spot. It was very yummy. On the way out from the bathroom, I read one of the articles that was written up about Au Lac. The owner was a Vietnamese woman who overcame some terminal disease through a plant-based diet and the Japanese chef Ito has taken a vow of silence fro 15 years, he doesn’t speak a word, he just gestures, hugs, and rub essential oils on people’s wrists when he meets them.

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I wonder if I can get away with not talking for long periods of time?

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Then after Au Lac, to continue with my Bali nostalgia cravings, I went to the Vietnamese produce store and got some jackfruit, cut mango, a cherimoya, and a dragonfruit.

I gave a seemingly homeless Vietnamese guy outside the store a dollar, he just took it without acknowledging me and continued smoking his cigarette. I wondered if I was just helping him buy my cigarettes?

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I called my mom when I hit the road, I told her I went to the Vietnamesey fruit store store and got her a dragonfruit, cherimoya, etc.

Why didn’t you tell me? she said. I need 4 dragonfruits for the altar for tomorrow’s full moon.

So I circled back to the fruit store and got more dragonfruits. I picked out the prettiest ones.

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I decided to avoid highways on my google map home. When I reached Garden Grove Blvd. I decided to make one stop before heading home.

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Are you a visitor or seeking medical attention? asked the female security guard at the Garden Grove hospital.

I was tempted to say I was a visitor but decided to tell the truth.

I was born here, I said, and I was just curious to see where I was born.

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Around 5pm my mom laid out a fleece blanket on the patio swing in the backyard, she brought out the pillows and blankets and we both got cozy under the blanket. I brought 4 books to read (just i n case), she brought her iPad. We watched a youtube clip of how to make a crocheted flower with a fork and we went down the crocheted flowers rabbithole.

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Whoa, I noticed and pointed out,  we can see the full moon reflected off our window.

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She had one foot on the ground to swing patio swing back and forth. Like a baby, I dozed off. But only for a little bit. I need to stay up and beat the jet lag.

What I put inside me:

For lunch: super green drink (made with coconut water and maple, too sweet), seaweed salad, maki roll, kelp noodles veggie stirfry at Au Lac

Snacking: jackfruit, mango from the fruit store, the bbq “pork” spring roll and the rest of the maki roll

Dinner: the rest of the unfinished lunch plus the lemongrass tofu stirfry with black forbidden rice, mango

Friday, April 19, 2019

 

(From what I can remember)

I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 10:3o. I got 10 1/2 hours of sleep. It sounds like a lot, but it felt like it was exactly what I needed.

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I got up, meditated, showered, went to Mother’s to get 2 large 32oz of custom picked green juice for me and my mom. And a pint and 1/2 of kale salad.

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P2 picked me up, I brought out Cutie, he held her gingerly as I went to the bathroom.

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When we got home, I noticed all the plants in the front and back yard have grown so much since I left.

The maple trees are red with leaves, the 3 giant bushes outside the moon room are purple, the grass has grown tall,  the cherry blossom tree has already dropped most of its petals. I kinda wish I was there to witness the blooming. Everything looks so lush.

I wish I was there to witness it all.

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P2 had a proposal: can he and Cutie have a playdate tomorrow after he comes over to clean the hot tub. And he’ll drop her off the next day when he comes to the do the chores. He’s taking . for Ohio on . Tuesday and wanted to get some time in with her before he took off.

I said sure.

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I checked out the new color of the guest room, which Paul painted while we were away.

Oh wow. Santorini Blue is really blue.

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After P2 took off

Something came over me, all I wanted to do was meditate. So I did for 2 and a half hours, sitting up and laying down on the biomat, listening to the dishwasher run.

I can feel the tingling sensation in my hips.

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When I got up,  I picked up a book from the stacks near the biomat. It was Osho’s Buddha: His Life and Teachings..I started reading..

What I put inside me: generous sample servings of guacamole and tortilla chip, kale salad, potato salad, no chicken salad, vegan chocolate cake,

the carrot, spinach, broccoli, kale, lemon and spirulina juice I got at Mother’s

A 1/2 pint of kale tahini salad at Mother’s

Pandan leaf tea I got from Bali.

Saturday, 4/20/19, 8:48pm

 

Dear U,

Oh shit.

I have work to do on the Domme workshop.

It’s hitting me as I look over the google doc that A2 made for us to stay on top of things for the workshop. There’s a long to do list under my name.

 

 

I need to promote it. I need to follow up on those who were interested in it.  I need to connect with my friends/faciliatators, the dance instructor, the chef, the makeup artist, to finalize costs.

I need to send a tweet/post out soon to promote the workshop.

But first I wanted to post about my 14 year anniversary as a Domme with a link to a pervette post on what I’ve learned in my years as a domme, which I have yet to write.

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I need to call up a garage door repairman to fix the dead garage door opener

I have a dollar left in my wallet.

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I chat with P, he has a request, he wants me to move all my mupp stuff bibns in the garage to the storage unit so he can park the Tesla, which he’s driving up in since his parents will be in town.

One more (giant) thing to add to my to do list for this week before I take off for my vipassanna retreat next Sunday.

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When I texted S to chat about the domme retreat, she suggested coming over,  doing an edible, and having an orgasmic experience with me. I had to break it to her that I’m a little overwhelmed right now.

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Dad called. He’s been trying to reach me since Wednesday, when he knew I was back. We kept on playing pone tag. It worked out fro the better. Becuase I couldn’t really bare to tell him that I was in the OC just miles away from him, and didn’t have the time or energy to have lunch with him.

SHould I go to the farmer’s market?

I had a thought bubble pop up, that there’s some loose cash in my old hello kitty wallet, that’s sitting in a plastic bin, in the shoe closet.

Yes, there was. I have money for the farmer’s market.

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I got the staples for my salad and some stirfry.

spring mix, walnuts, blueberries, broccoli, broccolini, kale, bone broth, shitake mushrooms, carrots, and dried jujubes jus to snack on.

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I’m so anxious I have no appetite.

All the same, I crunch on walnuts and chew on the dried jujubes to calm my nerves.

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I masturbate,

I chat with L, who wants to be a part of the retreat.

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4:20pm I get high because it is 4/20 and I’m hoping this will shift my state.

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I decided if I really need to, I’ll not got to the vipassanna retreat next week, as much as I want to. There’s no way I can meditate knowing there’s so much to be done.

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I might miss out on the chance to a reach a new state of consciousness closer to enlightenment.

Oh well.

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P2 comes over, cleans the hot tub, takes Cutie for the night. They’re going to watch Spirited Away because he has a theory that Cutie might be one of the 8 million gods who are living in the sanctuary in the film. He’s curious to see what she thinks of that part of the film.

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I go for a walk to the tree before sunset.

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I make a salad even though I’m not hungry, I figure I should eat something substantial rather than snack on walnuts and jujubes all night.

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I chat with A2 about the retreat. She can tell I’m trying to be on top of things after being so far away from any kind of work in Bali. I was going off the checklist of things to do. I sounded very productive, like I was in get shit done mode. I didn’t want her to think I’m a flake. I don’t think she does. I think.

 

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I’m still in a strange place as I’m writing to you. As if I should be meditating, but instead I’m kinda freaking the fuck out. I  can feel it in my chest.

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10pm

I lay down to meditate and napped for 1/2 hour, when I woke up I sat straight up, and felt my race racing

I call P.

He mimics my stressed mupp tone

He gave me a good pep talk.

I only meditated for 17 min today . because I’m too stresed,  I told him

That’s bullshit, he says kinda half jokingly but seriously.

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He says he loves me unconditionally whether or not the domme or silent retreat happens.

I can  feel a tear well up, maybe that’s what i needed.

And he was giving it to me.

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I should meditate right after I hang up with him.

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Okay. I hung up. Writing to you.

Now I’ll go meditate, for an hour.

11:39pm

 

I took P’s advice and meditated for an hour, in the orgy room, facing the round mirror.. Without checking my meditation timer.

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Then I did some crunches. And sat on the zafu some more.

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I feel much much better.

Funny how the mind tries to distract me from doing this sooner.

I’m so grateful for P’s push and motivation.

For the sanctuary of solitude, that’s what P2 called this place when he left with Cutie today.

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The high priestess (aka zapper lady) said I should do mirror meditations to tap into my feminine.

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When I was talking to A2 today, she made a google doc chart of all the guys she dated in the past 2 years and whether she was in her feminine or masculine with them.

She  found  that with all the guys with whom she was masculine, it ended.

I wonder if what the high priestess said is true, maybe I am too masculine right now.

That might explain why P and I have no desire to have sex with each other.

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The domme vs silent retreat.

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If I don’t go to the silent meditation retreat next week, I’ll make a promise to myself to meditate for 2 hours everyday, work on pervette for 2 hours, to exercise for 1 hour, and to intermittent fast and eat cleanly. Maybe I can see . that week as the week I build the discipline to hold up all 4 of my daily pillars.

Besides I have no money to give as donation for my stay at the retreat. I feel bad about that.

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I like how at every moment, there are continually choices popping up.

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I don’t why I’m kicking myself . for not . reporting to you everything aI ate when I was in Bali. Maybe I live too much in the past of what I ate. But I see patterns that’s why.

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I feel like I’m forever stuck in the past of Bali unless I write it all out. I need to tell you what happened. Profound shifts.

That last night.

;

Aww the anxiety broke when I meditated. I can breathe again. Holy fuck. I need to remember to always meditate.

What I put inside me: lemon water,micro dose of chocolate mushroom,  last of the green juice, kale salad from mother’s, bliss bar from the farmer’s market, quite a bit of walnuts, jujubes, sliced mango from the vietnamese fruit store in the OC, some jack herer flower at 4:20, a square of Ubud Raw chocolate from Bali, a salad that I made, pandan leaf tea from Bali.

I wasn’t hungry today, yet I ate because I was stressed out.

What I spent money on: produce at the farmer’s market, plus eggs and bone broth

Realizations: When in doubt (and anxiety), meditate; try not to send out texts/emails/etc when stressed, those messages will be received at a lower vibration, after meditation tonight, I have the energy to write, I got unstuck.

Maybe I should try morning pages then meditate first thing in the morning.

Back to my previous week