Sunday, April 28, 2019 11:05pm
Dear U,
I decided in my morning meditation with P this morning, I was going to skip breakfast with his family. But hang with his mom while P and his brother and dad go to he Warriors game. I was tempted to out myself to her.
P said that’s cool. As long as I don’t tell her how we met as that’s his secret, not mine. I said of course.
In my mind, I was gonna do farmer’s market, stroll/shopping with P’s mom around the alley then tea with G to talk dungeonomics.
I texted P’s mom, it turns out she’s going to Bay St with P’s brother’s gf. Being from rural Georgia, she’s never been to an Ikea.
One of my favorite things in the world is suggesting a hangout with someone and they say they can’t make it.
I get all the credit for making time and not losing any time.
Okay, I guess I’m not gonna out myself today.
I have lots of energy to reach out to people. I have a ton of people to get back to. Starting that process.
Gonna get ready to go to farmer’s market…
Dear  U,
It was one of those magical days.
The magic is always in the connection.
I made it to the tail end of the farmer’s market.
I got most of the staples: kale, broccoli, shitake mushrooms, olive oil, walnuts, blueberries, carrots, lemons, cauliflower, pink tulips. My favorite stand sold out of the bags of greens for salad.
Then I went straight from the market to the alley, it was 2 min away, to meet G. She get me my matcha with oat milk..
thank goodness they still accept cash.
i know, this cashless economy is killingme!
what you can pay your credit card with cash?
we found a nice bench with some shade next to homestead.
kids were passing by with ice cream moustaches as we went deep.
it felt good to be broke in solidarity with her. it felt good to feel like I’m getting older with her. I talk about these new dommes coming in, how there’s no way I can keep up in the social media game with them. it felt nice to be at the same place with her. I think for a while as we’ve been business partners in this dungeon for almost a decade, i was the younger one, booking more and probably more saavy with brand building. i like how my sabbatical has leveled everything out between us. i no longer have more sessions, or money, or more clients. i feel like i’m part of the old guard.
we’re both figuring out a new way to be dommes.
I swear if I get another email about how a guy wants to fucked.. I’m going to lose it, she says.
I’m 37, she’s getting closer to 50. Wow. where did the time go?
All we know is that we can’t do what we’ve done before anymore.
I told her about my domme workshop. How I want to be an educatrix.
i let her talk. she somehow arrived at the idea that maybe what’s best is that she gets out of the way.  She wants me to have full creative control of the studio.
She trusts me.
It  was what I always  wanted from her.
I teared up. She hugged me. We told each  other, I love you. I thanked her.
It was the most healing exchange.
There was so much said in so few little words.
For the longest time, I was afraid to bring things up (even asking her if I c an bring women from the workshop into the dungeon to shadow my session). I always felt her resistance.
I didn’t even need to say it, she  said I should  be workshopping in the dungeon. I should do whatever I want. I have visions. I have grand plans. I’m a doer. She just wants to get out of the way.
It was exactly this time 5 years ago (when P and I was first falling in love and I was tracvelign the world with him )when she brought up the conversation that she wanted me to buy her out. It was so fiery, her words, but then it ended with her crying, me hugging her.
That conversation was revisited again today.
The cry
The hug.
It all happened again.
Again  it feels like
The beginning of the next chapter.
And the next level of our partnership.
I can’t even begin to describe to you the layers (right now, it’s getting late, and I hope that at some point, we’ll both get to tell this story together).
There  was more…
At the end we had to stop, because I needed to go pee, we both did. we went into the all inclusive bathroom together.
Then we went into Crimson, there were so many plants. I wanted to replace the bromiad that died when I was in Bali. I got 3 more plants.
G pointed out a pretty light pink and green one, it look kinda sad but had potential to bounce back.
Can I get it for you? I asked.
She was gonna say no but then why not.  We saw more of the same kind that was healthier looking. But she decided to go with the sad orphan looking one that we first spotted.
There’s a lot of symbolism in everything. Or at least that’s how I see it.
How she bought me my matcha, I got her her pink and matcha green colored plant. How we’re both broke as fuck, and yet here we are giving what we can.
How she feels stuck. How she wants to get out of my way. How we both see the next chapter beginning..
I told her I would love Pervette to be her writing home. Her story is so incredible.
Being a true domme mom. Bringing her 18y ear old daughter into our dungeon for the first time this past year. How she hid from her daughter these 13 years what she’s been doing to support her single handedly.
She’s been writing fiction, it’s been hard and slow going she said. I told her our story, the truth, is so much more interesting..
When we parted, I went to Homestead, I called S2 back as I perused the store, he told me how he almost died last week, a biopsy infection..
Jesus Christ.
We made plans to have lunch in mid may..
I got a book called Boundaries and Protection wirtten by a local author, and some hawthorn berries.
I went back to Crimson, and got the same kind of light pink matcha green plant I got G and an  air plant.
I came home. P was back from the Warroirs game and napping.
I put away the groceries. P came up, he wanted to rush into an hour meditation then head strait to dinner..
I didn’t want to feel rushed from the meditataion
I updated my site to html. I was in outmoded flash..
I started changing up the font. Oh this is fun..
We picked P’s parents up at the Claremont.
What I put inside me: lemon water, green juice, walnuts, chaga tea with pollen honey, matcha tea G got me as we had a business of our lives meeting in the Alley, 1/2  UR cacao chip protein bar, pistachios and walnuts (I got from the farmer’s market) some of P’s almonds from erewhon; some of P’s mom spinach salad that she shared with me, herb crusted halibut, steamed broccoli, carrots, and some of P’s brother’s key lime pie crust at Scott’s Seafood in Jack London Square,
Monday, April 29, 2019 3:47am
Dear U,
I had the most interesting. I was with a group of friends and peers we were watching people’s deaths. They were of people we knew, but the way we were watching it and trying to understand it was out of curiosity and compassion. There was no judgment or mourning. The tone was revelatory.
P had got up out of bed before me and was meditating in the orgy room. I journaled instead of disturbing him by joining.
I wrote a long text to G, to let her know how much I love her and trust her, in whatever decision she  arrives at the with the dungeon, to be in partnership with me or not, I truly support it. Just her trusting me to flow withmy vision for the dtudio means everything.
When he left for Blue Bottle and the hardware store to get different anchors for the shelves, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with myself.
I felt something in me telling me to sit and meditate. It was a powerful sit..
I did the dishes.
P came home with new anchors. He drilled a giant hole in the wall and then punched the wall with the power drill.
I was surprised that he still has these reactions given that he’s been meditating so much these past few weeks.
He said I should get a handyman, this is why he has money, to have others take care of what he doesn’t want to do.
I actually didn’t see him working on the shelves today, something told me he should just relax.
I went downstairs to heat the hot tub and make the bed. Then I came up, he  was in the library, there were books scattered on the floor, like he threw them there.
He was taking care of the payment for his place in santa monica and this house and his brother’s too.
I said thanks for trying to take care of the shelves and sorry it was frustrating. He said the shelves weren’t frustrating, it was he who was frustrated.
I couldn’t tell if that was just semantics or a Buddhist thought but I catch his drift.
He said he’s aware that he had some manly attachment to trying to install the shelves but then he let it go.
He said all these things remind him why he knows better now to never buy a house.
I said speaking of house, our friend N who was going to to host to A2’s organized Bali reunion dinner is opposed to the idea of  a “reunion dinner’ so A2 asked if we can have the dinner at our house.
N’s ridiculousness of not liking anything too formal or structured made P laugh. We got talking about egos ad attachment. I talked about my experience with how liberating it feels that both G and I are not attched to any outcome of her decision to buy me out or not in the dungeon. Then it got to him talking about his detachment with his company..
then he was in a good mood again..
I’m glad I meditated before he got home. It allowed me to just be with him, with no reaction to his reaction.
P asked for a good restaurant rec in Walnut Creek for lunch with his family. I suggested Limon.
He thanked me, showered, took off.
I started writing the email to my subs to ask for help in contributing to the scholarship fund for the Domme Weekend.
I talked to J about our upcoming journey.
A2 texted, she had exciting news for me. She said Penguin Random Houseis setting up some program for their executives and curating experiences for them to expose them to new to the future of wellness from various angles to get them inspired for book and other proposals. Since A2 already has a book deal with Harper she said she’s still happy to do a presentation but she wants to have me do the presentation with her. She says I already have my Tedtalk ready (that’s what she calls my opening presentation that I do at the Breakup Bootcamp). Just do that.
She says she thinks I’ll get a book deal out of it?
Holy fuck.
It was just a few months ago after A2 landed her book deal that she said she sees me with mine, and she said she’ll help me.
She’s doing just that.
Omg I’m so grateful for her and this incredible opportunity.
When P got home from lunch with his folks.
We started a meditation in the moon room (instead of the orgy room) this time.
During my sit, I had this idea come to me. Instead of sending out the email I just  crafted asking my subs to help contribute to a Domme scholarship fund, go more direct. And have individual subs sponsor individual woman.
The meditation was cut short, because the electrician knocked on the door. His job was done. Sump pump has its own electrical outlet. No more janky extension cord. I love that it was father and son effort. They were middle eastern. His son looks like he’s in college. Timid and earnest. I love their good work and professionalism. I’m happy I hired them again.
I wrapped up my third copy of Gene Keys  and gave it to P to give to his brother for his bday today.
I left soon after P did. The dinner reservation at Belcampo was 6:30, my aerial class was 6-7:30. I told him I’ll  text him when I’m done and see where they’re at, if it makes sense, I’ll stop by during desert.
Class with C, the lead instructor was nice. I like her teaching style. She teaches us a bunch of tricks of the sling silk.
She tells us to dance as though there are fishes arund our knees, butterflies around our head and something coming from our heart.
And then we weave all of it together into a dance. And watch each other perform.
My dance up to the silk was probably more interesting than the dance in the silk. I felt a little uncertain what I was doing, but it didn’t matter, it’s all improvised.
I befriended a new girl, Asian, about to graduate college. I told her if she ever wants to practice on rhe hoop she can come over  and practice on mine.  I want to watch her practice and learn how she does her tricks.
After class, it was too late to swing by Belcampo, so I went home. Made a stirfry with my veggies from the farmer’s market.
P came home. He asked if I was the teacher’s favorite in class. I said she wasn’t playing favorites today. Then he made fun of me knowing I wasn’t prolly the best performer in class. I got to play dejected lil mupp. Unspecial and mopey. I leaned on him, like I had no life in me. He enjoyed seeing my all little.
I think I ate too many nuts today.
How come you never told me your nose gets smaller throughout the day? P asks.
Yeah, it starts out big in the morning and gets smaller after I wash my face and stuff, I tell him.
You are such a mupp, mupp. You  and your muppety nose.
P did it he spent two days with his parents in town.
We hang on the couch. I’m enjoying being mopey little mupp and having him make fun of me.
I realize our relationship is best when I act tiny and little around him, like a kid that needs to get taken care of, and made fun of, and harassed at times for being a scrappy mupp.
I don’t think P knows how to handle me when I take up space.
Which is okay for most of the time, bc I enjoy being little around him.
P’s been expressing aheightened appreciation for me and my muppety ness.
How can you be so muppety and cute? he asks me.
I learned it from watching Cutie.
What I put inside me: lemon  water, total Nutrition and Orac-Energy green juice, a ton of pistachios, walnuts, almonds and jujubes. Did I have a veggie stirfry or roasted broccolini for lunch?
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
(From what I can remember)
P woke up at 6, meditated, showered, and packed up to take his parents to the airport then keep driving south towards Santa Monica. I hugged and kisse dhim goodbye.
I didn’t know what to do with myself for a min. It’s always a slightly sad feeling when he leaves.
But then I masturbated, meditated. Texrted S2 to see if he wanted to sponsor C so she  can attend the Domme worksop.  In return, we’ll do a double session with him in the future. As she wants to learn how to be  a pro domme.
S2 was very excited to. He loves introducing newbies to kinky activities.
I called up C. I told her she had a sponsor, she was stoked. She has flight benefits so she’s going to look into flights.
I met C exactly this time a year ago at my first Breakup Bootcamp retreat that I taught at.
It was on the last day  of the retreat that I caught her green faced in the hallway. And by mere circumstances in the kitchen, I  was eating the magic cake, she told me that her ex has been leaving her messages threatrning to kill her when she gets back. So I told her she’s not going back to Connecticut. I took her back with me to the city, and within  a night, we got everything sorted out, new locks for her apt, she  had a male friend escort her back to her place. ANd all the while we got Peruvian comfort food for her and had a stroll through Times Square and a weird sex shop peep show. I inspired her to take Tae Kwon Do for self defense  and told her whenever she wants to learn how to be a domme, just come to California.
Last month when  I was in Bali, she  said she  was ready to shadow my session and learn from me.
And so now she’s sponsored for the workshop. S2 couldn’t be happier with helping her out. It all worked out.
That insight I had of “sponsors” from my meditation sit yesterday was quite revelatory.
Then I texted M, another sub of mine, if he was willing to help sponsor M, a woman I met last year, she’s my age, Vietnamese, immigrated when she was young to the sates, a sexual trauma (or multiple traumas) survivor.
He was more than happy to.
I texted M the good  news. She  called me crying tears of joy.
She was in a downspell this past week and contemplating suicide.
She prayed to a universe for a miracle that morning. And then I texted her.
Crazy how divine the timing feels.
She asked me, what’s a sexual awakening?
I told her what i thought it meant. She seem pleased by what I said.
But then I said, I’m more excited for you to find out what that is for yourself..
If it weren’t for our conversation a month ago about the domme workshop she wouldn’t have booked her flight from NY to visit her mom in San Jose for Mother’s Day. How serendipitous..
I had a good meeting with S, my web designer in Berlin, we’re figuring out new ways to work around this theme upgrade that doesn’t allow for videos to be played int he background the usual way we’ve been doing it.
We’ll be in NY at the same time. This Saas conference she’s helping put on looks amazing. I order Daniel Pinchback’s book since she said I’ll like hiw work.
We trade websites on current favorite digital artists.
I had a phone call with a potential participant for the Domme workshop.  She w as going through a ton of enormous changes, breakup, quit her high paying job, there was mold in her house. It  was a symbol of everything of her previous life, toxic.
She  also experienced sexual  trauma.
After talking to her for 20 min or so, she knew she had to be at this workshop. It just so happens she’s making her way fromEsalen  that weekend.
Crazy how serendipitous it is..
Ran errands, got black velvet ribbon to reinforce the lace veils A4 made for my bday but never used, got my car washed again, dry cleaners (they don’t accept AMEX), bank to deposit the money A2 sent me in advance for teacihng at Breakup Bootcamp since she knew I was in a bind, and then to Berkeley Natural Grocery to spent $92 on bone broth, tea, carrots, walnuts, pistachio milk, arugula, eggs..
When I came home, I went for a mini run and walk, on the path that loops from the woodsy part to the high hill where I can  see the sun set..
Then I made a yummy stirfry while talking to my mom. She’s been down the Youtube rabbithole looking at all these socks and dresses and hats to crochet for Cutie. All the cute designs are in polish and russian unfortunately but she can figure it out. I’m happy to hear how excited she is about crocheting again.
I didn’t tell her that I have this vision her crochets will be a part of my art pieces that I’m going to be making with her. I saw it in my dream..
I ate my yummy stirfry.
Then I had  a 2 hour consultation with D, a former breakup bootcamper, she told me her story of her most relationship with a woman she’s completely smitten, everything was going amazingly well until a month ago, something happened and she went cold on her..D was completely confused as to what happened. After she told me the whole story in detail, in an hour and 40min. I told her what I saw in 5.
The  reason why she  ran away from  her is because she fell in love with someone whom she thought was confidant and secure, but what she realized soon after was that D is terribly insecure sexually bc she  was  a late bloomer and this translated into possessiveness and neediness in the relationship, and that scared her away.
D said I was right. She didn’t see it until I said it.
I said it’s just time to work on the wounds, the insecurity..
What are you doing next weekend? I asked her
She definitely feels like she should come to the workshop..
I’m gonna help her find a sponsor to subsidize half of her cost..
I was wide awake and feltlike I could meditate all night.
I went to bed aroudn 2am, couldn’t sleep, then went to the slantboard at 3, then to the biomat at 4am, fell asleep on it and woke up at 6am and went to bed.
I felt like I was on some strange cosmic vibration…
Wednesday, May 1, 2019 4:00pm
Round table – Berkeley
Dear U,
I feel very strange. IMy body tells me when to sit and meditate. And when I do, I can feel prana tingling through my body.
Shifts are happening, within me.
My vibration is rising, to a humming pitch.
I’m getting so much done. With ease and grace. As I hoped for last week.
I’m still in awe that 4 women I spoke to yesterday are all coming (from out of town) to the Domme weekend.
Note: Only communicate when you’re at a high vibration
I’m having a hard time describing all of this.
I didn’t go to bed till 3 last night. I could’ve stayed up all night, I had the energy to.
I meditated..
It’s 4pm, I haven’t eaten, I’m finally getting hungry.
Lately I’ve had no appetite
except for carrots.
I feel hollow, like a vessel, things are flowing through me.
It’s slightly effortless, everything.
I feel like something is moving me, telling me to do this, or that, and I do it. It’s like some light beaming, showing me where to go, what to do, what to write and say. And I just do what I’m directed to.
And then magic.
(from what I can remember)..
I made an arugula salad, with the usual, egg, walnuts, blueberries and avocados
I meditated on the biomat.
I had a good call with S about the dance session she’s leading, I gave her my guidance, since her session is after the field trip to the dungeon, the dance can involve them breaking off into pairs, switching between domme and sub, blindfolds, possibly a prayer..
She was in a state of sped up anxiety about finances, housing, promoting for her workshop, and life in general when we first got on the call, then at the end, after I related to her my financial situation and how I was in an anxious state when I talked to her this past Sunday, and now everything seems to be falling into place.
My advice to her when promoting or any communication in general: only communicate with others when you’re on a high vibration.
I got out of the house at 6, to get out of the house, I’ve been in it all day. I found an excuse, I need some snacks. I went to Urban Remedy and got some No Oatmeal cookies, kale crackers and Glow green juice.
On the way home, up my hill, close to my house, I drove by the peculiar old japanesy woman  I see every now and then. In her 70’s or 80’s, pale white, wearing a bright blue skirt and red sweater, and white gloves and black shades, carrying an umbrella. She looks like a cartoon character out of a muppety show. Every time me and P see her, we’re like whoa. The way she walks, speedily  and focused, the way she looks, like she can’t be bothered it. There’s something about her that when I come across her on my walks, or drives, it makes my whole existence feel slightly magical. LIke she’s the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. I want to follow her. If that’s how she dresses (bright and  surreal) what does her home look like?
I got home. Went for a walk around the loop that takes me through the woods and up the hill, this path is becoming a ritual.
I cooked another stirfry. It was a large plate of veggies. I ate it all.
I looked into Midori’s ForteFemme. It’s very similar to what I’m doing. The closest I can find.
I had a tiny moment of questioning myself.
She’s already doing it. She has more experience.
But then I remember. Even though it may seem similar, what I’m going to say and do will be completely different.
Last year, I experienced this same doubt when A2 asked me to talk about power dynamics in her bootcamp and I visited Kasia Urbaniak’s website and thought she’s already doing it and has more experience.
Now I know. It’s not about who’s done it first or for longer. It’s about your unique signature. Everyone has one.
After 4 workshops, I finally have the confidence to know that I got this. what I have to share is my own unique twist.
I’m different. Therefore what I share, if done authentically, will be different.
I’m in a heightened state of downloads. This is what happens before I teach. I ask (how do I do it)and I receive these messages coming through. They’re all from my direct expenses condensed into take home messages..
Also, in my meditation, I received downloads on how to handle P3. I want her to capture the weekend, but I feared her stoic warrior-like presence will throw off the energy and ease of the women in the workshop to open up.
How do I tell her to smile and be warm without offending her sensibility?
Then I remembered how she said she’s a nanny on  the side and loves being with kids. I’m  going to ask her to treat the women as though they are delicate children.
I also thought about A2’s gruffness with women in the bootcamp when she  thinks they’re talking too much or dominating the conversation with questions. She cuts them off.
I figured out how to frame the beginning of the weekend with the art of conversation and introducing Gricean Conversation Maxims..
Anyways this may sound confusing, but I think I found a way to address the chatterboxes in the group delicately.
I made an another arugula salad, ate it outside. It’s much wamrer today than chilly yesterday. The  air is almost perfectly still, with the slightest breeze.
Oh I texted D back today. he  texted yesterday saying he would love to see me even for a brief dinner he needs to lean on me for a minute.
I told him to come over tonight.
I’ll make him veggies, he’s gonna bring over some fresh caught halibut filets.
I  like how I can help people just by being me at my higher vibration.
No drugs, just meditation. I’m on  a buzzing high, it’s visceral. I feel it in  my breath. It feels like I’m on mild acid.
The mailman, T the tiger, rings the bell. Speical delivery. $888 from S2. And $100 from E.
Sub love is pouring in.
I’m grateful for Z, the one who pushed me to ask my subs to contribute to the food costs for the Decrim Prostitution gathering. She helped me overcome my hangup about asking for money.I’m doing it. I’m moving resources from those who want to help to those who need help. It’s creating miracles..
Thursday, May 2, 2019 3:08pm
Dear U,
I woke up this morning around 8:30, wrote out my morning pages as I oil pulled (swishing coconut oil in my mouth for 20 min).
The I jumped in the hot tub at 9am.
At 9:30 the handymen arrived. J the main guy, is the canonical handsome handyman. And M is the taller, bigger less fit one is his trusty sidekick.
Everyone slows down their pace when they walk through the house for the first time. The interesting architecture and vaulted Douglas fir ceilings always create this awe effect.
I showed them the shelves and what P did already.
And this hole here is where he punched the wall with the drill, I pointed out.
They got a good chuckle out of that, and it somehow leveled everything out.
I gave them a mini post it pad and said this is the width of space that I want  between the shelves. 2 inches. That made it easier for them.
I’m getting good at picking contractors. Or I’m just good at reading into yelp reviews.
I like bringing good people with great energy into the home. It’s like I’m selecting carefully with who I want to relate/fix the house.
An hour and 400 dollars later. Shelves are installed and holes are patched.
I also found out why the anchors didn’t work for P. There are 2 layers of sheetrock that he had to drill thrill, the anchor he got was too short.
I texted P the picture of the shelves installed.
He was happy to see it complete.
I thanked him for getting the shelves and giving me an AMEX to use so that I can get them installed.
Since I received it last week, it’s been non-stop house fixing.
Receiving an AMEx from him is also a next level in our relationship, I think.
He  trusts me.
After the handymen left, I meditated, coincidentally/unintentionally at 11:11, for one hour.
I went deep
I received downloads.
On the Domme workshop.
What to teach..
When I finished, I grabbed my pad and created 6 squares  and started writing out the themes of each session.
Also, told myself last night (after I went down the social media rabbithole) to not get on social media for the next day or two. I need to go inward..
Good call.
I feel more myself..
Right before sunset, D comes over, I haven’t seen him since my bday party.
We’re matching. He’s in his uniform, black jeans, black hoodie with Ektachrome gray print on it it. I have my black pants, and black hoodie with Love Your Mother gray print on it. ANd we both have similar looking black Tom’s on.
Funny thing is D has always dressed like this, and I used to wear cutesy dresses when we were together, I’ve evolved to dress jus tlike him.
We caught the sunset together.
He brought over fresh caught halibut. He grilled them as I sauteed the veggies. He taught me how to toss the veggies in the pan. It took me a few tries but then I got the hang of it.
He  said I was right about not to bring L, the girl he was dating to my bday party.
i asked why
She got blackout drunk, they left early and she was acting nasty to him. Then she disappeared and days after he beoke up with her via email.
I said maybe that was a good thing. I mean she had a drinking problem. prolly best not to be around that energy anyways.
He met someone at his restaurant a few weeks ago. She sounds spiritual, smart and quirky. I like her already..
I told him about Bali. How P and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary there.
It’s like the 2nd longest relationship I’ve ever been in, next to ours. When did we start? 2006? So 13 years? Not bad.
He has my handwriting tattooedon his torso.
It says Me and You
I have “you and me” under my arm, my only tattoo, in a torquoise font he picked out for me, on his birthday.. in 2007?
Dinner was yummy. I shared with him the last of my volcanic salt dark chocolate bar from Bali.  He liked it a lot.
We talked about transgenders and pronouns. He thinks it’s confusing.
I tell him I identify as non-binary, which he was surprised by. But I prefer she and her pronouns.
He introduced to me Kelly Finnigan.
It’s like modern day Platters. I like it.
Then he took off
I’ve been having this desire to reach out to R, my former slave of 8 years, he’s been reaching out this past year, and wanting to connect, we keep missing each other, partly bc I’ve been busy in monk mode. I feel like it’s time to connect with the past..
Up till 1:11 listening to my Rob Breznhy horoscope and adding a signature (link to  to my Colette Pervette email account
What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, green juice,  arugula salad, no oatmeal cookies, sauteed veggies and halibut D brought over and flash-fried, last 3 piece of volcanic salt chocolate from Bali I shared with D
Friday, May 3rd, 2019 10:18am
Dear  U,
I feel like I should be meditating. I guess I will, I just want to say it’s been a very nice morning..
morning pages, meditation, hot tub, moved the slant board into the chill room  (I had that idea while I was meditating), laid on it, combed out my sheepskin rugs in the chill room and placed one by the Guanyin altar that’s moved to the dining room.
Just like Susan Miller said in her horoscope, I’m feeling crazy inspired to decorate this house around the 4th. I want to optimize every object and space in this house.
For me, OCD organization is a crazy high.
I feel like I want to do EVERYTHING that comes to mind..
I want to list my rituals, my morning ritual, vitamin ritual, my liquids ritual, my .. I have a so many..
No cannabis, no microdose of shrooms and yet I’ve been on this amazing new high that keeps getting elevated.
Meditation is next level psychedelic. And beyond.
Because I feel like I’m rapidly evolving.
Building in “good habits”
Eating well, meditating, exercising, working on your passion/craft..
These are the things that are good for you..
Which are hard to do at first..
But you gotta keep practicing,
until they feel good to you
Until you can’t imagine not doing it.
That’s the goal.
I’ve done the practice of eating cleanly
And now I can’t imagine putting anything
but the most high quality and nutrient dense food in my body
My body tells  me exactly what it needs
how much of it
and when
I’ve done the practice of meditating and
now my body spontaneously tells me when to go slow
when to sit down and meditate
This week I’m going to work on building the practice of exercise
I’ve been going for sunset walks almost daily
Daily I can add:
10 pushups
100 crunches
get on the silk and hoop
strength conditioning.
I should try to go back to my yoga class
Maybe try pilates?
Now that I’m manically maybe I should do my pushups, strength  condition on the silk and hoop.
I’m listening to a binaural beats focus playlist that I just found on spotify. I haven’t played music in the house for a long while. Something told me to find binaural beats..
I don’t know what’s going on. But I’m so ready for everything. All the changes inside and around me.
Something is in the air.
After I wrote my email synthesizing each woman’s journey to the NLP master for next Saturday, I started seeing flashes.
Not only do I feel it in my breath and body now, this biological urge to meditate, I see it now in my vision..
I sat and meditated then laid on the slantboard, then sat up and meditate, did the fullest exhale than my breath dissolved… I was so still…I can feel the buzzing and tingling in my neck. This sensation has been moving around my body.
I’m starting to feel this energy as a spirit taking over.
I remember now in Bali when Guruji and Awamjii were talking about shakti prana, as this super intelligent force/energy thatcan take over purifying all the impurities that has been lodged in our bodies..
I remember C2 talking about the book she’s been reading and recommending, The Body Keeps the Score. How memories/traumas are actually lodged in our bodies.
I’m moving (with ease, grace, and focus) from getting downloads for the domme workshop, to writing them down, corresponding with everyone to weave all the pieces together for next week, organizing, decorating and pouring love into the house to make it a sanctuary for the women net week, and meditating..
Meanwhile my body and head is humming, buzzing, tingling and I’m very aware of my breath..
In summary, 
The women are all ready to:
Stop giving their power away
Unlock their voice 
Know and radically accept their bodies
Release the limiting beliefs and stories that don’t serve them anymore
To tap into a side of themselves that is emotionally powerful, confidant and fearless in their full self-expression
Experience pleasure and power through their sexuality and play
Give permission to be erotically authentic 
Explore new ways of activating desire and being in their body
Build sexual confidence
Use that dynamic energy to live vibrantly
A2 texts me, Wow what a great email you sent (she’s talking about my email to the nlp master) I’m really grateful and impressed and it makes things so easy for me. thank you. You’re so competent!!
A, our mow and blower, was taking pictures of our tree in bloom outisde the breakfast nook, we both agreed, we never saw it bloom like this, it looks like a multitude of fluffy clouds is just hanging outside the glass door
Calling up JT  stockroom to see if they have some latex pieces in stock for C, the gal I got sponsored by S2 to be a part of the domme workshop, took me out of my meditative headspace.
S2 was kind enough to offer to buy her her first latex pieces. But everything is made to order what they had available was not much..
I called up my go-to nail salon to see if there’s an opening for a mani pedi, C. the owner who does my gel mani is booked till Monday. She says I can come in today for a gel pedi and if her client cancels she can squeeze in a mani for me.
Sounds good.
I fix the hot water heater. Then head to the salon.
Strange, C, says, her reg client completely no-showed, whic never happens with her, lucky me, I get to have her do my gel mani and get a pedi as well.
As she sanding down my nails, I realize wait a sec, the gel polish… is this what’s causing me to have high levels of Barium in me?
These polishes are known to have formaldahyde.
A source of barium is rat poisoning.
C, the manicurist, says to me as she;s applying my coat of red polish and admiring it, no one uses regular polish anymore, it doesn’t look as nice and glossy as gel, and gel stays on forever, unlike the reg polish that chips in 2 days.
And the tradeoff of these perfect looking nails, Barium in me..
I have a session tomorrow. I have a domme workshop and photoshoots, I need the glossy nails.
I’m a sexworker for christ sake..all sexworkers get their nails done, and dommes always do cherry red.


Okay,after the month of June, after NY. I’ll switch to natural toxic-free polish, in pink nude.
Where did the day go?
I was manically energetic, I remember that. But meditative..
Doing research on non-toxic nail polish.
An owl flew by me as I was running up the hill during sunset
The other night, a fox walked by the glass door as I was on the biomat, just 2 feet away
The  other day, a skunk was making the hot tub deck his home
I should pull out my medicine cards to see what it all means..
I  just  ordered 2 of David Shield’s books.
The trouble with men
and (somethng) Beyond Autobiography
I’m not keeping track of my book buying with you.
The average now is 2-3 a week.
That’s better than 4-6
What I put inside me: acv, garcinia, lemon water with tumermic and cayenne and real salt, Total Nutrition and Slimming Greens juice combined, Belcampo bone broth with tumeric and cayenne and salt, small aruguala salad, 6-7 no oatmeal cookies, flow rose and strawberry flavored water, sauteed rainbow chard, shitake mushrooms and cauliflower,  teacup of bone broth with added tumeric and cayenne.
Saturday, May 4, 2019
Dear U,
Funny how I got my nails done yesterday because I thought I was going to have a couples session with A4 tonight (But I texted him to feel into it as this is her bday present and she might not be ready for it)
WhenI got my nails done I realized, this is the causing the causing the heavy metal problem inside me.. gel manicures!
And this morning A4 said she’s not ready.
It was as thought I got my nails done just so I had the a-ha realization of the heavy metal problem.
And funny to see how my mind rationalizes itself…
Every domme has red nails. That’s what makes subs go crazy. When they see the red toenails peeping through the stockings..
Last night I googled “non toxic gel nail”
That basically doesn’t exist. There’s one company based out of LA that’s sorta ok.
Then I started looking into non-toxic regular polish.
Which exists.
Maybe I’ll just do a non-toxic sheer pink from now on
Then this morning in my meditation, I realized my toenails have not gotten a chance to breathe for over a decade.
And in the past year and a half, my fingernails have always been polished as well.
It’s crazy, when I was in Bali, I started visualizing the desire to remove my nail polish.
And now, today, I’m starting to see the path out. Yesterday’s gel mani pedi will be my last. No more, gotta wait till after NY in June.
This is it. I’m seriously contemplating removing them. But I have a few photoshoots coming up in the next couple of weeks..
There the mind goes again..
After this, no polish, I’ll go tot he salon to get my cuticles trimmed and nicely shaped and filed, and instead of non-toxic sheer pink, I’m going to just buff my nails to give them a shine, and that’s it..
For sessions where red toenails might be nice for foot wootship. I will consolidate all my sessions into one week (like E, the domme from Bali does) and get a pedi before the week of sessions using a non gel non toxic red polish, and then remove them after the week of sessions.
I’m on a mission to purify my body…
I wish I was quick enough to think of this sooner, before they cured 5 layers of polish on my nails yesterday…
I was considering going to yoga this morning, but my body wanted to go slow, so I meditated, masturbated, then meditated.
Now I’m on the Domme Workshop Google Doc, taking every task on, even A2’s, I’m in that valedictorian headspace…
But all the while, I feel at ease. Going back and forth between hyper focus and meditation makes the focus part actually feel nice.
I can’t stand the feel of this polish on my finger nails…
They looks soooo good, though. All shiny, glossy..
Theme running through my mind: Nails to die for
I see it now. A4 and I talked about the couples session on Thursday, I got my nails done yesterday for the session that I didn’t think was going to happen tonight and I was right, which I’m grateful for, because I have work to do for the Domme  workshop.
But getting my nails done yesterday, while I was mindful and listening to binaural beats, I had the realization of the impurity in my body..
And the whole Nutrafol case study thing while  I was in NY, that was sheer luck, a stormfront moving in caused me to rebook my flight for a later day, which allowed me to meet with the Nutrfol dr to get a mineral hair analysis, which she  was reluctant to do until at the end I asked the question,
what minerals/supplements are a bad thing if I have too much of it? I know too  much selenium and vitamin A might cause hair loss..
And that’s when the doc had second thoughts and decided to snip some of my hair for the lab analysis.
Then I got my results right before Bali, realizing I’m crazy high (off the charts) with Barium.
What has barium?
Rat poisoning and chemtrails?
I was stumped.
I got my nails done right before I left for Bali.
All through Bali, I was set on the detox path, spirulina, cholorella.
The guru telling us, that prana is running through us purifying the impurities..
There was this one serendipitous lunch I had with J, this songtress I reconnected with after our first time brief meet in Tulum. While she wasin this royal ease pose on the bench and talking, being fully in her power, I saw how her nails were bare, and yet she seem so powerful. It was her gestures, her voice, her confidence.
And from that one snapshot moment, I started desiring bare nails.
And then the a-ha of yesterday
as C was buffing down my nails with an electric sander like tool so that the base coat can really stick to my nails, I realize the chemicals are seeping through, on top of that the UV light to cure every layer of polish (all 4 of them)
As she was filing down one hand I was on my phone with the other googling gel nail polish toxic.
gel nails=The dirty 5,  Formaldehyde, toluene, DBP, formaldehyde resin, and camphor= rat poisoning=barium in my body
Got it..
It’s so easy to go on auto pilot not knowing the source of the impurities, but when you slow down, you see everything.
Every time I meet with my domme friends, no matter how many there are of us, 2, 5, 7, we all perfectly polished red nails.
The one time D didn’t, she wanted to go to the salon right away, she felt self-conscious about her un-done nails…And the next day when  I met up with her, she just got back from the salon. The social pressure of Domme red nails..
That shit is real.
I sent P an alien animoji,
Hey mupps, I thinl  I know where this barium is coming from. You wanna guess before I tell you?
He sends me an alien  anomoji in response,
I know, I know mupps, it’s coming from too many berries,  I bet.  blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, strawberries. You’re kinda a baria mupps, so it’s coming from too many berries,
I reply, Anyways, mupps, anyways…
Before we hung up, I told P that I’m so thankful for this house to create in and to be able to gather women in to have this workshop. It’s not lost on me how amazing this is and how grateful I am. I tear up.
I mean really.. What a gift this is.
I did it. I sat outside with the sun on my back and the macbook in front of me and I went through the whole program for the workshop. I moved things around for flow and I added some missing pieces.
Ideas for themes/Tools for each day came to me…
And now I can see the whole structure of the Domme weekend very clearly.
I feel good, like I got this.
I saw that I missed my dad’s call. I haven’t talked to him in 2 weeks.
I called him back. He’s gonna get lunch with my sister and her bf tomorrow (they’re in town). He says my sis is giving him 500 to help with the moving.
What, you’re moving?
He said he’s moving.
To where? I ask.
To the garage, he said.
He’s moving from the little shoebox shack to the garage of the same house that he’s been renting from. According to him, this is an upgrade. The garage is 3 times bigger than the shack. He says it’s larger than my mom’s 2 car garage. There’s a bathroom and some kitchenette. It’s 200 more in rent. But he’ll save money from not eating out all the time, now that he can cook.
It didn’t dawn on me that he’s been eating out “food to go” all these years.
He says after this move, he’s good. He can live there until he dies. His tone makes it sound like he’s quite satisfied.
I told him just give another year or two and I can get a place for him.
He says that’s a lot of stress, taking care of a house, and apts these days are pricey. The going rate for a one bedroom is 1500. His garage is just 700. He says if I can help him out an extra hundred a month, that’ll be great. My sister is pitching in a hundred, with our help combined, that can offset the difference,  I said for sure I can do that.
He says he’s gonna put an AC in the garage. He asks if I can help  him out with buying that. I said for sure. I’ll make him a check for 500 this week, along with a check for 200 for his car payment. He seem grateful and was happy to hear that.
I’m glad that I have enough to help him out, even in my near to broke-ness, I still have enough to give what I can, and it seems to be just what he needs.
It’s not lost on me how insanely asymmetrical our lives are. I live in a 4400 square ft house essentially all by myself and I just got a 10×10 public storage unit to house a few bins of my stuff, which costs $253/month. While my dad has upgraded from a 10 x 10 shoebox to a garage, which is costing him $200 extra a month.
WTF? Life is so weird.
I also wondered,
What would my life be like if my mom didn’t divorce my dad and married my stepdad?
My dad every now and then would say to me that my mom is an “intelligent” one, because she got with my stepdad.
After I got off the phone with my dad, my body went into spontaneous meditation mode, I quickly sat down, meditated,  deeply..
Then  I slowly got up and sauteed some kale, mushrooms and carrots. I’ve used up  all my veggies  except for some carrots. Just in time to go tthe farmer’s market tomorrow. My intuition on how much produce to buy at the market keeps getting sharper.
Then  I went out
-To Flowerland to get 2 pots for my new  plants that I got at Crimson last week when I was with  G
-CB2  since I parked in  their  parking lot at 4th St. I  got 15 minute  hour glass.
a bud vase and 2 glasses for the dungeon studio, since we broke a few over the past few years..
-To Sephora to get  Anastasia brow shadow (I was running low) and and  a Sonicare brush replacement
-To Top Drawer to  get 6 Japanese notebooks for the participants at the Domme Workshop. I spent a good 40 minutes picking out which kind of notebooks to get and the best looking notebooks out of the stacks.
(A meditative spell came over me in the store and I proceeded to move very slowly and mindfully after that to the next few stops before home)
-To Good Vibes to get their nicest looking crops, with crystal studded handles. They were $50 each. It’s quite pricey, A2 might think it’s a lot, but  I want their last tool to feel like a true reward. Every other crop in the store look cheap and not sexy. These were fancy and sexy. I  had to get them.
There was a strap-on dildo class going on in the store as I was shopping. 4 people attended. When it reached the Q and A, I was the only one askign questions, even t hough I wasn’t seated and just hanging out by the side.
What kind of strap-on do you use with the Share?
And what positions are best?
The “teacher” was very happy to answer my questions since the 2 couples there were pretty quiet.
Then  I went  to the Kebabery. Next to Belcampo, I can’t think of any other restaurant in town that uses organic and clean ingredients.
It  was such a very yummy meal.
And just like that, I got the program down, and the notebooks and crops for the women at the workshop. Now I just need  to pull my unopened sewing machine out of the box and sew the velvet ribbons on to the lace veils, and I’m set for all the goodies give aways..
I’m really happy with my choices for notebooks and crops, I just want to give what i would want to receive.
It’s 10:30, I think  I’ll read and meditate..
What  I  put inside me: acv, lemon  water, green powder drink, bone  broth, some kale crackers, sauteed kale, shitake, carrots, garlic and red onions, with fried egg, tulsi chai tea with bee pollen and honey, walnuts,  Flow flavored water, chicken kebab platw with pickled carrots, mashed beets, mashed lentils and a dollop of yogurt at the Kebabery (yum!) –I’ve been intermittent fasting, not hungry and eating till after 2 or 3pm.
Sunday (Cinco de Mayo) May 5, 2019 4:14pm
Dear  U,
I fell into a very silent meditative spell after I got back from the farmer’s market, herb and plant shopping at Homestead and Crimson.
I’m still feeling it.
I texted P2 to let him know his  visit to do chores will be shortened to just taking out the trash and he  can take Cutie for the night.
I texted A2 and S letting them know I fell into meditative spell and postponed our calls till tomorrow.
P2 came and silently did the trash, and took Cutie.
After P2 left, I continued  laying on the biomat  next to the open glass door listenign to the wind pick up, watching the sky turn gray. And then all of a sudden, it started to rain.
R texted, S, his gf, hurt her neck. I told them to come over and I can quietly hand them Level’s CBD and THCA. They did. I also gave S a tube of CBD gel that might help, as well as a bottle of Flow water to take the THCA  and CBD now. They were sorry  to disturb my meditation. I said it was totally cool.
After they took off, I opened up the new book I got, How to Breathe. It opened to the page on how to breathe for Pain Relief, I took photos of the pages and texted them to S. She said the CBD gel and Level is working.
I made a salad. Ate it mindfully. And I spent the rest of the evening meditating.
P Facetimed. I picked up. He didn’t want to disturb me. he just wanted to confess that he lied to me earlier when I Factimed him as he was on his way out to get coffee with his friend, T.  He was actually seeing a Seeking Arrangement chick, who ended up giving him a blowjob and as she was riding him he stopped the session, and said he’s good, he paid her to leave, And she left feeling rejected.
I thanked him for telling me the truth and we talked about his journey. He says maybe he’ll do what I do which is masturbate and be celibate.
I told him I’m also happy to try to focus my energy on our sexual relationship. I think we’ve been muppeting it up so much and enjoying the muppetiness of our goofy relationship  it’s hard to switch gears. But I’d be happy to.
I was still in a trance while talking to him.
His meditations have been more difficult, he can’t sit through an hour anymore without looking at his timer multiple times.
After we hung up I continued meditating..
I don’t know how to describe this feeling other than it  feels like  a serene trance, where I can feel my breath very acutely at the top of my chest..
I texted Z, to  let her know I can’t meet this Tuesday, to do our review of Bonding, since I’m gearing up for the workshop. I’m gonna cancel no going to A’s breathwork class as well, and  I should probably cancel on A as well. Even though it would be nice to see him. But all this meditating while I should be prepping for the workshop  makes me think I should keep on clearing out my schedule..
Oh  Happy CInco de Mayo
Weather is rapidly shifting
College kids are in their cap and gown graduating.
Time is flying..
I meditated and meditated until I fell asleep.
Oh did  I mention? The night before I went into  a deep meditative spell, laid on  the biomat, meditated, fell asleep for a bit, and when I woke up I couldn’t stop yawning.
Like I needed a lot of oxygen..
What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, green juice blend, walnuts, flatbread/dip sample at the farmer’s market, strawberries I got at the farmer’s market, the usual hearty salad for dinner, more strawberries, kale crackers, tea, (little appetite, only ate one meal)
What I spent money on: $93 on licorice root, chickory, lavender, horsetail, rose, ginger, cinnamon, holy basil, roasted dandelion,  Lion’s Mane tincture, a book called How to Breathe  at Homestead; $30 on a white circular plant pot and lime green plant to go on our new shelf.
Monday, May 6, 2019 4:21pm
Dear  U,
I got up around 6, it was still dark, but with a  hint of light coming through the blue sky.
I went for a soak in the hot tub. It’s a nice ritual now.
I feel like I’ve done a week of silent meditation.
And I’m a child waking up.
The early hour, the cool air, the hours and hours of meditation and sleep, I feel like I’m transported back to my childhood.
Excited for this new day.
The feeling is very similar to my journey with Iboga.
In my meditations, I go between  being deep in my breath or thinking about the details of the Domme workshop, down to the meals the women are having.
I thought maybe D would be happy to donate Two By Sea’s fresh caught local halibut and salmon for the workshop? That would help tremendously
I called D and asked  if he would help donate some fish. And he said he would be happy to.
While in meditation I also had a thought to email K, one of the participants who was feeling excited and  scared about the upcoming workshop.
I emailed her asking if it would help to chat/check in before the weekend a s it might help ease her into the workshop.
She replied saying that was very insightful of me, as just after she emailed me last week, she found out her husband has been having an emotional affair with her friend. She’s devastated.
My intuition is getting stronger.
P3 came over to discuss filming this weekend.
We’ve both been  in  a deep meditative state.
I laid out blueberries and walnuts and made us golden milk and pot of chickory, cinnamon, holy basil, licorice root tea.
We caught up. We haven’t seen each other since the bdya party. She brought over the footage form the party, we transferred it to my hard drive.

Funny how I always feel like I need to tell P3 what I think about our project, how I see it going, because based on our last visit, I sense a possible disparity, but when she arrives, and before i need to say anything, she tells me where she’s at, how she arrived at a new perspective and that new perspective always seem to be perfectly aligned with whatI  had in mind.

Like I said it all before she even got there, psychically.
She said she doesn’t want to rush thos project, let’s take our time, she’s happy to capture key moments whenever I see them. This can be a 4 year project or longer, it doesn’t need to be rushed.
I told her I feel the same way.
I filled her in on the weekend. what time to arrive, which sessions to film. I told her to channel her maternal side as she would be with the babies/children she nannies, as the women in this weekend are all in fragile places. She totally got it.
She asked if I had any mushrooms, I told her I did.
She said she might need some as she broke up with her gf last night.
I said of course and went to the jar in the freezer and gave her a purple foil wrapped piece of chocolate shaped like a flower/vagina.
She laid on the biomat waiting for her uber to arrive.  It  helped with her chronic back pain.
She told me to watch the documentary on Ishi.
After she left, the whatsapp thread for meditating with the Guru  exploded. Everyone is joining in on the 7:30pm remote sit with Guruji.
Hari Om Beautiful Souls. . . Actually on this auspicious Day,  it is believed the full quality of that which you focus on can manifest through you in Its Full Expansiveness. . . not just on this day . .  but through and Beyond  All Time . . . into Eternity 💖
So to focus on Meditation with Love and Devotion is to invite the Full Boundless Creative Dynamic
of the Universe to Manifest through You . . . . moment by moment by moment . . .
Beautiful Blessings
Swami T
I chimed in, I’m definitely in!
My mom calls as I was about to call A2, she asks if I remember her Apple ID password for her old iPad.
My sister and her bf are at the house with  her trying to help upgrade her software so sh e can continue watching videos on youtube.
I have them try some varaitions of an old passowrd I found i my emails. No luck
She currently has 3 ipads she use. She says she needs all 3 since she has so many videos at the same time, it helps to go back and forth..
She texts me photos of crocheted blankets she’s thinking of making for Cutie.
I’m still in a trance as I pick out a nice pattern and color, pink and beige. It’s what she liked too out of all the samples.
I talk to A2, she asks when doe I need her to come in and help prep for the workshop. Tomorrow? I said Wednesday is fine. She s ays she  won’t  get in  till late. I said that’s perfect. I have most everything covered, she can just  show  up and we’ll go over the program together.
She’s happy to hear that.
We get off the phone.
I meditate…
Laying on the biomat..
I wondered.  Should I prepping for what to say in my 6 sessions? Isntead here I am doing nothing.  But sitting and laying.
A part of me says this is actually the doing.
It’s effortless.
P3  comes over with Cutie, they had some wonderful visits, to the secret spot, to the bird sanctuary twice. I like how Cutie is making P3 more out-going..
I describe to P3 what I’m feeling. It’s like there’s some sort of life force inside me that’s doing this purifying work in my body and it needs me to move slowly in every way. Do less, eat less, think less, so it can use all of the energy that it needs to do the work inside me..
P2 paints a thin blue line in the ceiling of the guest room to even out the sloppy patch work done by the  plumbers when t hey were putting in  the  tankless water heater when we first moved in.
He swept, he took pictures of Cutie around the house capturing the new bookshelves and plants.
I made us a salad. He tells me he’s been  a spiritual growth spurt.
He’s handling suffering in a new way. Seeing a space between the the unpleasantness that life throws at him and his reaction to it.
He attributes it to the Gil Fronsdal talks he’s been listening to and watching on Youtube. Gil has this way of  framing things and using language to make these concepts more accessible..
He said this spiritual growth started to happen  6 weeks ago.
Which is about  the same time that he got Cutie tattooed on his arm..
Very  interesting..
I had a wonderful planning session Facetime with K and  N for this Sunday…
N is the photographer and K is our stylist, we’re all good friends. And it was exactly this time last year when we all gathered here at my house with 2 of our other friends and did a “Goddess shoot” it  was such a  fun day of playing and making art and here we are co-creating together.
K is going to set up a lipstick bar, with champagne and cacao to help loosen up the women for their shoots.
Coincidences: Both P3 the videographer and N the photographer for this weekend just had a recent breakup, P3 yesterday, N, 3 days ago..
Everyone is coming into this workshop with a lot of space opening up..
Ready for renewal..
Tuesday, May 7, 2019 10:23am
Dear U,
I woke up this morning, masturbated and came to the sounds of a powerful woman moaning in ecstasy.
I thought I was gonna go in the hot tub, but I went upstairs to write my morning pages first. I wrote 3 lines, and then I had visions of myself giving my presentation to both  the women at the workshop and the Penguin execs..
I went into stream of consciousness. With the new pink brush pen I got the other day, I wrote and spoke what wanted to come out, the truth, puzzles decoded in poetic language..
I saw the structure of life’s path as it relates to the book I want to write.
I drew out it out.
(it’s not linear..)
I spoke my truth as if before an audience, tears flowed..
And just like the content of (at least 2 of) my sessions came out..
My body feels light, airy, and breathy.
I’ve lost weight this past week.
I’m happy to arrive at a place where my mind is not telling me that it needs to eat at this time or that it needs something sweet to offset the savory, because that’s what it used to do..
I’m feeling into my body and it keeps on saying, eat less, eat as purely and cleanly as possible, and eat slowly and mindfully.
So far, 2 of the 4 pillars of my day is coming naturally to me now, meditating and eating cleanly and slowly.
Now I’m working up to making my body stronger, and making that an effortless practice.  I keep on remembering what Malidoma said to me  in my oracle, I’m going to make myself flexible..
Everyday I’m strength training a little at a time on the silk, doing the shoulder shrugs and leg lifts..
I’m still contemplating whether I should see A tonight. I haven’t showered in and washed my hair fully in 4 or 5 days now I can’t remember. The  act of getting ready and going into the city feels like a lot. I have no desire to have sex with him. I just want to see him to connect, catch up..Maybe give him a crystal salt lamp to go with his new collection of crystals that he recently got  and  wants to show me.
I’m heeding the words of the astrologer Rob Brezhny, whom I paid $5 to hear his audio horoscope spoken to me last Tuesday, my work is about my relationship to the past.
Does it inspire or hold me back?
What’s the continuity?
Am I still in contact with people of 5-10 years ago and beyond?
There’s something about seeing people evolve.
It was all very affirming to my intuition to want to reach out to my friends from the past. N, my mormon friend from 3rd grade. R, my slave of 8 years, M, my other slave who  was in deep devotion and and with whom I had a deep connection.. I want to spend time with my friends from my past..
Spending time with A is spending time with my past, he’s known me for half my life now, ever since I was 18.
I’m trying to to feel into what the universe thinks I should be doing before the workshop. Am I supposed to spend time with A, he does always inspire me creatively. Just his positive presence does that.
Or am I supposed to see him after the workshop so he can celebrate with me?
And for now, I’m trying to stay very clear with my energy. It’s at a buzzing high vibration…
Even making out or holding each other might be a disruptor to this weird process happening inside me.
I’m steering clear of all mind altering substances, even micro-dosing..
This shakti force (as the guru called it) is in my body doing its work. All I want to do is support it by not disturbing its process, so doing less is the aim. Even eating and digesting is work..
I think I just answered my own question.
I’m guarding my sense doors..
I texted A,
Hi! Do you think we can hang next week instead of tonight? I’m still deep in monk mode and prepping for my Domme workshop this weekend..but I would love to see you on the other side  (insert red heart emoji)
Sent at 11:11am
Now I don’t even have to think about showering today. Woohoo!
PS I’ve  been sweating like crazy during that tear stream flow of words this morning.
It’s almost like these past few days of doing nothing but meditating led to some opening of words that wanted to pour out.
Which is what I need for the workshop.
And this seems to happen before all of my workshops, I get divine inspiration, precise words and concepts come to me just days and even the night before.
It’s always a very magical time when I’m coming close to “the moment of truth”
And the moment of truth is just words pouring from my heart into theirs. It’s a transmission…
I have no fear of this workshop, no doubt, and no anxiety, which is  surprising even to myself. Since this is a HUGE first.
I think the reason why is because I spent the time connecting with every women beforehand. They’ve opened up to me. I know their story. I know their struggles. And I am invested in them. This isn’t about me and how they see me. And  whether I’m fit enough to be their teacher.  This is about them and how they see themselves in relations to the work I’m showing them and that they must do to tap into their inner  Domme.
I spoke with H, one of the participants, she confided in me what she was going through. Her husband is having an emotional affair wirth her friend, she just found out. She told me the whole story. I told her what I saw.
The friend is giving him what she wasn’t able to give him for the past 8 years, appreciation and validation. That she is a mirror to him of all his bad decisions. She said I was right. She needed me to say that for her to understand why this is happening.
She shared with me a secret she hasn’t told anyone.
It was about the cult she was in..
It was insane..
Then I talked to L about the menu Friday  and Saturday. She  was happy to hear that I’m getting fish donated. That allows her to get paid more for her time given the budget we’re working in ..
She  shared with me her new practice, the work she wants to do with men.
It was exactly what P2 asked for in  the next session with me. To be held by Mother Earth.
I told her our work is so perfectly complementary. We need to work together. She was thrilled to hear that.
You haven’t heard of the Magdalene Manuscript? Oh my god, you must read this…
She urged.
The whole manuscript was a channeling…
She said something about Shakti shakes..
And I dialed into that word..
I’ve felt that at my vipassana retreats before..
I ordered the Magdalene Manuscript
What so interesting is Magdalene’s face has been staring at me from the new bookshelf. I have The Meaning of Magdelene sitting on me sacred prostitute shelf..
Went to Castle in the Air…
Their store is closing. Everything is 40%
I got 5 notebooks.
And seals (the letter P and U)
And sealing wax
A calligraphy pen/tip holder
2 cotton spun ornaments (an apple and pear)
varsity letter patches
vellum envelopes
In the middle of inspecting ornaments, around 5:44pm
I fell into the meditative trance..
I go between spurts of manic energy
and then slowed down trance
I meditated when I got home.
Masturbating quite a bit.
And juicing my panties a ton in between my seshes..
I didn’t do as much as I thought I would considering I cancelled all my plans today to go into the city..
it was nice to be alone..
Wednesday, May 8, 2019 7:48pm
Dear U,
I just had the Shakti Shakes..
My whole body was humming to a fever pitch, I let out the most primal moan, like I was giving birth to myself, I let the tears flow…
I chanted
After the shakes settled, I went to the altar in its new spot
The candle was still burning, I lit an incense and prayed to Gaunyin, the tears flowed again
I arranged the talismans on the altar..
It’s funny how I call this workshop Channel Your Inner Dominatrix.
And now I can only explain this voice that’s coming through me, I am channeling
some spirit.
Is is Guanyin? Is it Mary Magadalene ?
I don’t know how to describe this without sounding out t here.
But this is very out t here.
My  body has been feeling hollow, like a vessel for days now.
I have no desire to eat.
I changed the batteries of the scale this morning, I lost 7 pounds
I  feel clear.
I thought I was gonna sip on bone broth tonight, but I decided no meat.
I want to be karmically clean.
I have much to do with the house to prepare it for A2’s arrival tongiht.
But yesterday   and today, I moved slowly,
I sat ouside with Cutie
I read all of Women on Fire
while sipping on Gaunyin tea
The air was perfectly calm even though the sky was gray
I meditated  until I fell asleep,
When I woke up
I felt like I was reborn
I went outside at 5pm
The walk to my tree
In the calm gray late afternoon
Was so pretty
I was guided by a monarch butterfly
Then two,
Then four..
I have no anxiety about about what to say in this workshop.
I only have broad ideas of what I want to cover.
All I know is that I’m guided by a spirit
taking over
What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, green powder juice, Gaunyin tea as I sat outside reading Women on Fire, some carrots a few walnuts, raw spinach (somehow it tasted really nice to eat if fresh), a mini mushroom, broccoli, carrotonion, garlic cilantro stirfy first time cooking eating cilantro, its quite yummy, and supposedly a good heavy metal detoxer), pomelo I took down from the altar to share with A2 when she came in no appetite today
Thursday, May 9, 2019 8:35pm
Dear U,
T-1 day.
Everything feels a little too stress free.
I woke up, recorded my interesting dream, masturbated in bed, got up.
I gave A2 my uniform black drop crotch woke pants to wear.
Now we’re like matching mupps.
A2 made us a dandy blen drink while I made a hot lemon water drink
We sipped and went over the programming.
It was so fluid and easy and fun.
It took an hour.
Somehow in my mind I thought it would took a whole day.
I thought it would be fun if the last session was a lab.
The women would get to test their skills on a willing sub.
A2 wants a cute guy.
Like A.
I haven’t texted him yet to see if he wants to be a lab guy.
I feel like A’s dominant energy would throw the women off and make them not feel domme-y.
I think A2 just  wants a cute guy around.
A2 worked on reinforcing the veils.
I talked to B2 about the menu Sunday.
And he’s happy to be the sub in  the domme photos Sunday. He’ll bring his latex.
While I went downstairs in the chill room to meditate.
The spell came over me.
After I went deep, I masturbated, came twice.
We went got lunch at Xyclo.
A2 loved the vegan spring rolls that I ordered for us.
So much that we both considered just ordering these for our lunch at the workshop Saturday.
Then we decided to keep our chef on Saturday as is.
We went Neighbor, the cute store
Then we went to Trader Joe’s and got snacks for the weekend
I like how economical A2 is. I didn’t even think about Trader Joe’s
Then we went to Blue Bottle.
I didn’t want to alter my state too much so I just took a few sips from her yummy decaf latte with oatmilk.
We pulled out our chocolate bars. The Hu bar that she brought and the Green tea match bar that I got from H in Bali. We enjoyed it with our shared latte.
We talked about my book she wants to help me get published.
I want it to be a choose your own adventure.
She thinks it should be called Confessions of a Dominatrix.
As she had so many people believe in her when she first started and helped her along her way..I feel like she’s doing that with me.
It’s so nice to have her believe in me.
It’s everything.
We came back.
P2 was home, out back, with Cutie.
A2  and I both saw it, he was glowing and radiant.
Was it the Cutie effect?
He had swept the front and back yard, blew the leaves. And swept the floors in the house..
I gave him the lights to bring with him to the D on Saturday when he opens up the dungeon for P3 to arrive.
He took off.
A2 did an instagram, I gave her my kimono and whip and took the boomerang video.
It had a comical zoom effect on it.
That wasn’t on brand she said.
So I did it again,
After a few tries,
I think we got it.
Then A2 and I meditated for an hour.
I went in and out of deep when I wasn’t thinking about the workshop.
When  we finished
D swung by to drop off the ling cod, salmon and shrimp.
I petted his dog, S. She tore her ligament, poor thing
I’m organizing the books on the new shelves. I can get lost doing this.
I still need to get the upper floor all tidied up..

Back to my previous week