Sunday, April 7, 2019 10:09am

 

Dear U,

My Macbook Pro screen is just starting to flicker after I wiped it with a cloth napkin at breakfast here. I’m just a tad bit concerned.

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This morning when P and I woke up we both had the same thought separately.

P says he thinks A2 gossips too much.

I said our psychoanalysis of others is also a form of gossip and I’ve been questioning since dinner last night if that’s a fruitful use of my thought and energy.

P agreed. And just like that, we start our practice of right speech.

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Somehow our room at 531 is becoming the meditation room. The guru and swarmi (T1) have returned form their trip up north.

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After my super stream of consciousness morning pages (I felt like some spirit was writing those words to me) I showered. Meditation started at 8 and it was 7:44am when I got out. I had to rush to put on my moisturizers and tidy up the living room.

At 8, there was the knock on the door, I had trouble putting my towelhead into the right hole of my tank top. It was T2&B and R, not the guru and T1. Thank goodness.

Excuse me as I make this place presentable I said. They came in as I gathered up all my mupp stuff (Cutie, notebooks, colored pencils, books) from the bay window and put them away.

I’m aware of my self consciousness of my space. How do I appear through my clutter?

B asked how my experience was with the High Priestess aka the zapper.

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Then N arrived saying the hotel is giving the guru and T a hard time.

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The phone rang. I picked it up. They’re at the lobby.

Wonderful. Yes, bring them up, I said.

Wow, you’re much nicer than I am, N said, I would be yelling at them.

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I told B about the ritual of the initiation. I offered her fruit from our bowl if they want the guru to bless it.

The guru and T1 arrived. T2 and B got initiated. And our sat began.

I was thinking too much to fully sink in. I was thinking about what I should’ve said to T2 when he asked how I liked the Steven Pinker book I just got and he picked up.

I said I just started and I’m enjoying it. When I should’ve said what I really felt. I wish his writing was simpler and more direct. That the book is about the Enlightenment period and not the state of Enlightenment. It’s a catchy title, Enlightenment Now. And the endorsement by Bill Gates on the cover is curious, “My new favorite book of all time.” How is that possible?

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It’s all ego that’s taking me away from sinking in.

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I’m very aware that T2 is a celebrity of sorts. I think he’s brilliant. And that I care what he thinks of me.

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My self-consciousness took me away from my supposed path to enlightenment in this morning sit.

I think he’s here to be a test for me.  He makes me very aware of my ego, which is what I’m trying to dissolve..

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They’re going to do another meditation at 1pm. Is it okay if it’s in our room again?

Of course.

I told the guru and T it’s totally cool that he leaves his orange and red print silk scarf spread on the settee (that’s what T called the bay window, I guess I will too) designating his seat.

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And then we all went down to breakfast.

I’m sitting here writing to you.

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In a bit I’m going to go back to answering the interview questions that, L,  the editor of Playboy, sent me. I like how out of the blue, on this trip, she reached out to me (because she saw the Playboy piece I was mentioned in about the breakup bootcamp) and wants my voice on the stereotypes and stigma of BDSM. her deadline for the print piece is April 12th.

How perfect. I’ve been thinking about that topic. Her questions are prompts for me Pervette writing and she has a deadline, which means I have a deadline.

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4:01pm

Alchemy

 

Dear U,

I’m here at Alchemy with A2. We’re sitting side by side and both on our macbook pros (hers pink, mine dark grey).  We also both have the same  thin Acme laptop sleeve.

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We had a meditation in our room again at 1pm. This time, almost everyone in our group showed up. There was 10 of us all in our living room with the curtains drawn.

I went deep even though I had thoughts about the high priestess racing through my mind.

I felt bad for her. That we had P, T2, and J2, three white skeptical dudes come in and see her, with really the intention to find evidence that her work is bogus.

.

They all came out of it still skeptical and in disbelief, not knowing what to make of it. How can it be that she had electricity coming out of her fingertips and neck (as she had P touch her there to prove that she does have this energy flowing from not just her fingetips).

I like how she occupies this perfect middle space. Where you can believe she has healing powers or not, and it all depends on the lens through which you see the world.

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If you’re a rational material fundamentalist and your sense-making of reality is constructed through a man-made methodology based on fallibility,  then you try to explain the super natural away by saying it’s a hoax, it’s not real. It’s the best scam of the century.

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But if you do believe that this world is more than what we can see and make sense of, then her touch has just expanded your limits of reality and what’s possible that much more.

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I think what’s more interesting is that in just the experience with her, than in itself becomes an object of thought. If we stop to think, it begs the question,

How do you receive what you can’t make sense of?

Do you stay closed and hold on to your worldview and make everything that you can’t make sense of conform to it by denying its existence

Or

Do you open yourself up to the possibility that there are things and powers that you can’t explain, but yet it still exists, even if only to bend your perception of reality and keep you curious to all possibilities.

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I’m surrounded by the most brilliant minds right now, and somehow these men can’t see the limits of their perception. By staying closed and skeptical even to something they physically felt with their own bodies, I see how they react to the unknown.

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All they have are anecdotes of her behavior to corroborate their claim that she’s bogus.

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She was surly when she saw how they were poking around her table and tiny room.

She was once invited by E to a party he was hosting to work her magic. She declined and blocked his number.

They say if she can do what she does outside of her tiny “rigged” room, then they’ll believe her.  Otherwise she’s a sham and making a killing at 50 bucks a pop.

.

 

 

What I put inside me:

Breakfast: lemon water, green mint tea, turmeric tea, grapefruit wedges, a few walnuts,

 

What I bought:

 

highlights:

 

Dear U,

 

I woke up at 4:32am this morning, tried to remember my dreams, got up and sat on the cushion and started meditating..

 

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In other news, since last week when I cut an inch of the ends of my hair, I like my hair now. It’s grown out quite okay.

Of course no one noticed that I had a haircut to begin with. Only A2 and K because I told them so.

 

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9:50am

 

The breakfast staff at the Ritz know my ritual now.

I have my table.

No order from the menu.

Just a pot of peppermint tea.

A cup of hot water for my lemons and salt.

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I was leaving the room with J3, he was heading to the lobby, I was walking down to breakfast. We bumped into N.

.

He has an idea, of building a conscious community here in Bali..

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Okay, there’s much to report but I gotta get back to the questions AL sent me for the Playboy piece.

 

Tuesday, April 9, 2018 1:31pm

Mudra Cafe- Bali

 

Dear U,

I’m her at Mudra Cafe with A2. We’re sitting in our favorite spot, the private pink room with black sand. It feels so good with cover my feet with this fine sand.

I was gonna hang back in the room but then I took a hit of Level’s Elevate and decided yes.

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There’s so much to say/report back to you, I feel an anxiety that I haven’t filled you in enough

Can you tell by the few updates in between that magic is happening?

SO many shifts are happening

Within me, with P, with our relationship, and then there’s A2, and her shifts and our deepening friendship.

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I’m certain that we’re going to change the world together.

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Bali brings things up, I’ve heard several people say

They do three clearing ceremonies a day here, I learned.

.

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And there’s the widening of our circle of friends, it’s incredible who’s a part of it now. I never would’ve imagined 5 years ago, or even a year ago, that I would be connected to  accomplished people whom I admire

10:04pm

 

So funny how P, A2 and I just all felt it individually today. I think we feel ready to get back to our lives now.

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B is also really into recording..

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I’m happy that over dinner, we got to talk about my recording obsession over dinner with T and B.

 

 

What I put inside me:

 

Dinner: A whole coconut, sparkling water, and coconut noodle soup at Elephant with P, A2, B and T (but B and T had to leave because there was eggplant in the noodle soup, which T had and is deathly allergic too).

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Funny how over dinner, I felt validated by B for being a recorder and P felt validated by T for finding red flags in the the swarmi.

 

Thursday, April 11, 2019 7:17am

Dear U,

I’m sitting outside on the balcony side of restaurant, I can see and hear the river running right by me.

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I’m in a deep meditative state right now. I feel like I should stop writing. Can I write to you in a meditative state?

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The roles are reversed for a change. P is still in bed and I’m sitting out here at breakfast.

I’ve never been out here so early, it’s so peaceful, and the air is still cool.

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On the 9th, the day we were originally supposed to leave

We felt maybe we were kinda ready to leave

But a day later, after hanging out with our new friends, we realized that we were just entering the next chapter of our trip.

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The vape pen has been tapped out. It’s a perfect palindrome. P will have several days here without cannabis. I wonder if meditation can be his replacement.

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Even though it feels like I haven’t done much work on Pervette. As I haven’t on the website. Work is happening. These cafe dates with A2, and now K, and B. Us 4 ladies discussing relationships, pleasure, intimacy, sex in long term relationships (and how it always tends to fizzle), my crazy idea (The Man of my Dreams: Will She or Won’t She) having a (positive) sounding board, we’re coming together as powerful women, I see all the potential collaborations, I see how the beginnings of the matriarchal revolution happening over shared gluten free matcha pancakes and turmeric lattes. I see it.

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I want to to tell B, that she should suspend telling her ideas that we’ve been brewing to T. As it’s been my experience whenever we ladies share our exciting ideas with our partners, it’s met with a lukewarm reaction. They don’t get it. They don’t see it. Like the way we do.

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It’s 7:36, I don’t want to leave, but there’s an 8am meditation in T&B’s room, which I am looking forward to. But this river…

7:44pm

Dear U,

I decided not to go out and do the big group dinner after our 5pm meditation. Instead I stayed in, did room service and enjoyed my dinner of spring rolls and beet salad outside on the balcony, listening to the rain.

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I feel very andro and monkish right now. Moving nice and slow. Chanting my melody.

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I also wanted to stay in so I can finally work on pervette…

..

Friday, April 12, 2019 10:16am

 

Dear U,

 

I was all ready to pervette last night, and then a window popped up, I had to update the Wordpress database before proceeding.

 

Which I did.

 

And then the backend of wordpress, where I write and edit my pages and posts changed to this new format that was confusing and not intuitive.

I had to contact my designer for help.

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It was Gutenberg, this new system in wordpress.

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Anyways, we had to restore a backup and now I’m here..

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I was so determined and focused to get shit done at the end of the 8am meditation

 

I have much to do.

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A computer glitch on top of restoring my old posts. I’m back to where I was last night. And now steam is lost, and I feel overwhelmed by the order of operations, of all the things I have to do.

 

Saturday, April 13, 2019 3:58pm

The Ritz- By the pool

 

Dear U,

Just an hour ago, I woke up from a nap in the bay window/settee. I heard a clap of thunder. Then it started to rain. It came down hard.

I stepped outside on to the balcony.

I fell asleep hungry and anxious.

I still feel anxious.

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I wanted to grab a bite before the 5pm meditation, but it feels like a lot to go out in the rain. I don’t feel like room service. I’m already starting to feel stir crazy.

Should I go down to the restaurant here (where P is) and eat some non high-vibing food? I feel like I need really nourishing food. Maybe try Bella.

I didn’t pull out cash when I was at the atm with P last night, he said he can give me cash later.

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It’s later and I don’t feel like asking for it.

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I feel paralyzed

Trapped by the rain.

 

And my situation.

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Before I fell asleep, P had help me sign and authorize my 8879 Form to return to my CPA. Somehow the process of downloading an acrobat reader app to sign the pdf seem so daunting.

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I got an email from one ball B, my cpa, this morning.

I owe 6K in federal taxes and 411 and in state taxes.

.

Yesterday morning I wrote an email to P

asking if I can borrow anywhere from $555-$1111

To help me make a roth ira contribution

(I have 2,036 in my bank, in my taxes I said I will make make a 2K contribution for 2018, which I have yet to do)

I said this will be the last time I ask to borrow money and I promise to pay him back by May 11.

.

He wired me the money in the afternoon.

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At dinner, he didn’t like my tone, he said,

when I told him

You can say you’re not judging me and A2

But you are

When you say

we’re not going to be taken seriously

because we saw a psychic and believed his words

.

 

 

 

 

That’s what I wrote in my journal.

I don’t know what I want right now.

To go out in the rain or stay in and not know what to do with myself.

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So I j0urnaled, I went into the dark bedroom, with Cutie and the recorder, I wept, I masturbated, I let out a cry, I felt my hip muscles twitch into relaxation. I feel slightly better, but still strange.

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8:34pm

 

Dear U,

I decided (before the 5pm meditation) to not join the group for dinner tonight.

So here I am in the bay window, writing to you.

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B tasks if I ever get FOMO.

I tell her lately I get JOMO

Joy of missing out.

She decides to skip the group dinner as well.

We considered doing a low key dinner together,

but as I felt into it, my body was still in meditation mode, so I opted for a solo night.

.

I got a hotel car to take me to Bella, a new restaurant that was recommended to me, but it was closed, which was fine, because just down the street was Alchemy.

They ran out of spring rolls, so I made a custom salad and a green juice.

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I haven’t eaten any meat in weeks. I think I’m vegan on most days. And some days, like today, I’m raw vegan even.

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It’s funny how the Ritz quickly felt and feels like home.

There are many things in this suite that reminds me of home:

The japanesey auto flush & warm seated toilet.

The bay window settee that feels like my moon room biomat spot.

The credenza  here has my piles of books.

I have a drawer filled with vitamins

And a pullout compartment in the credenza for me tea and hot water heater

His and her vanity where mine is filled with toiletries and P’s is spare

The layout of the space is fluid and  circular

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There’s so much to tell you, I fear that I will forget all the nuances of each day, how fluid these magical encounters have been, the psychics & healers, how every large group dinner has been a different configuration, the incredible food I’m eating, the thoughts and visions I’m having, the conversations that unfold, the shifting moods, the rain, lightning and thunder that comes and goes, the sounds of the animals, geckos, frogs, birds, cicadas, the power the guru is transmitting, the way this whole trip feels very cinematic and how everyone is a very unique character, the way we “sisters” are connecting, the unconscious mysogny we feel from the some of the alpha men, money, privilege power, these themes keep coming up, how it keeps pushing us to find our “sovereignty,” how the women I’m connecting with are coming to the Domme retreat, how nothing is mere coincidence but meant to be, how I see this group here as the core movers and shakers of the world, how is it that we’re all converging here in this magical place right now right now as everything is galactically aligned?

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there’s so much going on. threesomes are being planned, immersive orgy theatre, a gallon of ceremonial cacao going bad, one magical moment after another, all the while I’mgoing deeper into myself through these sits

What is going on?

I think this is the beginning of something quite amazing. The women coming together can see it, it’s time, it’s time…

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What I put inside me:

Breakfast at Mandapa with P, A2, H, B, T, N, and J at the table: lemon water, mint tea, pomelo grapefruit, green juice plus carrot, sliced avocado, a bite of A2’s omelette

Snack: a square of Raw Ubud mint and goji berry chocolate (our new chocolate obsession) I got at the store with A2

Late lunch: spring rolls at the ritz and carrot juice

Dinner: custom salad with lemongrass dressing and a green juice at Alchemy

Dessert: a square of Raw Ubud raisin cashew chocolate

 

What I spent money on: 400,000 IDR on a box of Raw Ubud chocolates that I picked out, Raw Ubud cacao nibs, a giant brick of Raw Ubud ceremonial cacao (I accompanied A2 to this shop before she went straight from here to the airport)

800,000 on salad, green juice, colon cleanse supplements and facial mask at Alchemy

Themes: TAXES, what’s your take on the guru, Ubudia,

 

 

Back to my previous week