Themes: “Since you’re the one with the second most interesting project”.. Seattle, the city of 4’s..mixtape for A..Freeplay, the book…the wormy plum!..detox parasite obsession..must clean/organize every nook and cranny of the house, my body, and computer…let’s not have sex but talk about it..I got P’s blessing to slut it up..threesomes..divine partnership with ???…thinking about water fast a lot..the long walk home..picking belladonnas..full moon in Aquarius..obsessive about horoscopes and psychics..bee pollen…no grocery shopping…I’m the one for P, is he the one for me?…making plans for Bali in Nov…no lustful desire to see A…moving past the fertile period..an aging woman like me needs to settle down….FASTING..deep cleanse..

 

Sunday, August 11, 2019 4:52pm

Green table in the backyard- Berkeley, CA

 

Dear U,

I’m back in Berkeley. My god, there’s so much to tell you. I learned os much in a span of 24 hours. I don’t even know where to begin..

.

I’ll start with the most recent thing that just pre-occupied my mind a half ago…

I came home, pulled a plum from the fridge and started eating it. It looked imperfect, the plum, a funny green spot. Then I examined the center where the pit was and noticed..

There was a WORM in it, squiggling around amongst a fuck ton of eggs, some of which I knew I just ate. I spat out what was in my mouth, hawked out what went down my throat. I tied my hair up, pressed the button to the Toto toilet to lift the seat and washed my left hand and did what I used to do in high school and college.

I stuck my two fingers down my throat and threw up what I just ate, along with some of the vegan food I just had for lunch at Millennium with E. After three rounds of barfing, I decided to stop, I could g on until it’s just bile, but that’s very uncomfortable.

Did I get it all?

.

The whole throwing up brought me back to my eating disorder days. I shold write about that sometime, soonish..

.

I googled “just ate worm”..ineffective search terms.

“Parasite cleanse” was better

.

I ended up getting some supplements with a ton of anti-parasitic herbs like wormword and black cohosh, etc..

.

Funny how just this past week when L was over here, she was telling me how she passed a worm in her last visit to this detox center in Sedona where they essentially fast and drink a ton of olive oil for 5 days. She’s going again this September, I’m tempted to go with her. But I have work to do here.

I’ll just do a water fast and take the herbs I just Amazoned.

.

Just as I was feeling pretty good about my body (my hair and nails are doing and looking great btw), some new body issue comes up, as it always does.

It’s no biggie. I’ve come to accept it, and that this is usually how it is with me, something comes up, gives me an excuse to get all OCD about it and as a result I learn something new about my body and how to take care of it.

.

I’m looking forward to this water cleanse fast..

.

Anyways, I had a ton of energy to tell you everything, about the Seattle trip, before my parasite incident. And now I lost that momentum or energy.

.

Let’s see if I can start from the beginning of the day..

.

I woke up around 7ish. P went to go pee and then climbed into my bed with me. And we cuddled.

Then he went  to breakfast, I got ready and packed up. As P got back I got an Uber Comfort. P walked me down and we said goodbye.

I got a very cute muppety driver, in his 60’s or 70’s. He reminded me of P’s dad, Mr Magoo-like. With dandruff on his jacket.

I like your darth vader, I told him. He had a darth vader firgurine with google eyes glued on its black helmet and a phone charging cord wrapped around it like it’s his lasso.The figurine was sitting in a basket of lifesaver mints, one of which I took and saved for later.

He said with alacrity, It’s not Darth Vader, but Darth Google.

Once he had a Comic-con guy tell him that Darth Vader is actually a cyborg not an android. And to that he replied that this Darth character identifies as a Android and you use can use the cord wrapped around him to charge your google android.

Oohh okay.

.

I was actually early for my jetsuite flight, Boeing Field airport is quite nice.

On the flight home, something about the altitude, and all the thoughts swirling in my head from the weekend and the songs i was listening to, I had so many visions and ideas, my pen was moving non stop..

.

When I landed, P2 was there to pick me and Cutie up. She sat on the dashboard then on his lap on the drive home.

HE told me about the resolution with his friend W, that happened over the weekend. It turns out she kinda likes Cutie and was just jealous of her since P2 prefers spending time with her more than his friends sometimes.

.

We talk about the Comparing Mind, how our default ways of making sense of the world can get us into trouble if we take it too far, and compare ourselves to others and determine our worth. Or in my case, I saw how I was comparing P to A this weekend, and seeing how he fell short, and that wasn’t very healthy..

.

I can spend hours writing out my convos with P2, I like how they meander from anecdotes to life philosophy. I enjoy our banter so much. Thank goodness I have it all recorded..

 

As I’m writing to you I realize I lost all that excited energy to tell you “everything”

The parasite and drive around town looking for drawer pulls/knobs really took it out of me.

.

I wonder if I can summarize things more succinctly.

.

Seattle trip was good. It started out bumpy. Because I was in my own head, my (spiritual) ego got in the way of being fully present for P and his project.

But we had a really good talk over brunch yesterday. When I get a good cry in in public, I know I’m doing good release work.

.

I realize that my ego in Pervette can definitely get in the way.

I had this vision last night that I was going to spend most of Sunday and Monday, before P gets in to really clean and organize the house and tackle the piles most don’t see, other than P and his shrewd eyes. The clear boxes in the garage, shoe closet, etc..

.

7:44pm

I felt like taking it slow, so I went in and sat on the biomat reading the book, Freeplay, that P2 left behind for me to borrow. It’s really good..

Then I got distracted by thoughts, of wanting to make a mix tape for A.

SO much for focused OCD house cleaning.

.

I’ve been listening to my master playlist on Spotify. I haven’t listened to music really in a while, I seem to have enjoyed the silence in my monk mode this past year or two.

.

Lately, since 2 weeks ago, I’ve been listening to all these songs I’ve collected since college. They bookmark certain eras, every song has a boy attached to it.

Oh right I was listening to this song when I was with  so and so.

.

Maybe that’s what compelled me to make a list of all the guys I had sex with in my life.

21 total.

A was my 4th.

P was 19th.

.

So I started putting together the playlist. I had actually started a spotify playlist for A 4 years ago, but it was just a rough cut with 6 songs, unthoughtfully thrown together..

I deleted 4 of the songs, and kept the 2 instrumentals.

.

And started adding songs from my different eras..

.

I listen to the transitions, how one song ends and leads to another, building an arc. It starts out like a slow sunny late afternoon building into a moody dark evening.

I masturbated. It past the test.

I think about the text I want to craft as I send him this playlist,

in the gloaming.

It’ll reference the first and only mixtape I made for him 15 years ago.

WHich I slipped in the mail slot of his door at 16th and Valencia

I quickly walked away, hoping he’ll get it later..

But when I was back on bart, heading homeward, there he was, on the platform,

he caught me..

I was so flustered and embarrassed

I think I had a zit on my nose to top it off

I didn’t know what to say..

So I mumbled some things I can’t remember trying to play it cool.

We parted at the Montgomery stop.

ugh.

.

8:40pm

 

After I chatted with M about the rebrithing ceremony she wants to hold with me for her boyfriend J, who is best friends with P..

I texted A..

.

Oh hey..

I think I like you

Because I made you a mix cd

I’ll just leave it here..

(insert spotify playlist link)

And quickly walk away

Before you get this

(insert wide eyed blushing emoji)

.

We send these feelers out,

letting the other how we feel

making ourselves so vulnerable

at the risk of rejection

but we do it because the heart wants it wants

to express itself

without fear

.

I can feel the funny buzzy feeling in my stomach,

the gulp,

just like I did Monday night

when I sent him that text about wanting his cock inside me.

It’s so unlike me, to be that girl,

after my ego was bruised by him.

.

But I want to be that girl again.

I want to rewind back to that time,

and remember everything I felt

the  intensity of the crush

the desire to show and tell him how much I think about him

.

To revisit that time

But with the confidence of a woman who knows what she wants

and what she wants is to let him how she feels..

.

Because this is the story she wants to tell.

.

In spite of her self, her ego, by which he unknowingly bruised 15 years ago on the east bay bound train,

she loved him and showed him all the ways..

.

I think this is what pervette will be, a space that expresses my love for all my loves..

.

I just want to make everybody in my life my muse.

 

.

I’m wet, and fertile, most likely ovulating. This is the perfect time to get fucked if I wanted to make a baby.

Stay focused..

.

My first orgasmic birth

will be with Pervette

A love child created by and for my loves

 

 

..

Do you see it?

I’m healing this wound that I created through him.

All those years ago.

I kept myself protected.

I see it.

Even in the Tahoe trip,

how I stayed guarded not allowing myself to give in to my desires

I didn’t want to  get hurt or give away my power

but power is choosing to whom you want to surrender,

I’m learning..

If I can do this,

than I know that I can

love

love love

without fear.

.

This is the work

that it takes

to give birth

to pervette

.

Ever since I started reading Soul Craft

I keep on saying to myself

Pervette is my soul work.

.

I’m starting to clean the laundry room that’s piled with my whips and lingerie, that I plop on the counter when I get home after a day in the dungeon.

.

I’m cleaning  house for P

while listening to the mix I made for A

.

He responded with a heart emoji

with an echo effect.

.

 

9:48pm

 

Could be because I threw up earlier and really haven’t had much since

But I feel trembly

I think it’s the mix tape

.

I feel like I’m healing some old wounds through these deliberate acts

that echo what I felt so long ago

.

I know this is all part of the process.

.

On the place ride earlier today, I felt it,

this intuition that I’m on the right path

All this crazy dreaming chasing

It’s part of the process

It’s funny how nobody gets pervette

(well except for P2, who is also the only one other than me who can see that Cutie is alive with a spirit)

.

A theme of this past trip is

P trying to support me in this project that he himself does not understand.

No one really does

except for my soul.

.

There is no true physical progress that one can see other than me, because it’s still all in my head.

Even I haven’t fully shared with you the complete vision, because it’s so big.

.

The theme that comes back is that I have these visions of pulling it off, and when I do all of my wildest dreams will come true, which is so insane.

.

I’m in between the vision and the present moment..

This is what keeps me going, the most vivid visions comes to me, as if it’s almost real.

I can f eel it.

.

I’m so glad I facetimed with A2 yesterday. And she said she didn’t want to say too much about her new guy because she wants to manifest it.

.

Tell me more about this manifesting thing, I said.

She said when you’re manifesting, it’s really something just between you and the universe

Don’t share it with too many, esp those who might cast doubt on it

And also, don’t get your ego attached  to it

.

Alright, I guess need to keep this closer to myself.

I’m glad I have P whos always there to keep my ego in check.

.

I realize now why Slutmupp is this character that I’m fully inhabiting when I’m with P.

She is the egoless child, who keeps me pure and fearless.

P prefers to interact with me (as evidenced by yesterday at brunch) because she communicates without pretense.

She is real.

.

P brings out the child in me

A brings out the goddess in me.

I need the love of both to manifest Pervette.

This was what came to me in my second visit with the Toad,

.

I smoked so much that I whited out. And all I remember were two sounds when I was coming to..

Two sounds that I  made at the same time..

The sound of a little girl chucking, kee kee kee kee

And the sound of woman moaning, ohhhhhhhhh

I believe those two sounds were imprinted in me as some guiding mechanism..

Move towards these two expressions

When you do

You will have arrived

At your full self expression.

.

10:51pm

P Facetimed.

He’s still in Seattle.

Aww man, Worm Mupps, how’s it going? he asks, in this mock concerned muppety tone.

Yeah, it’s pretty gross, I said.

.

I told P how I reflected and saw my ego come out this past weekend, hence the weird tone I had at brunch, I saw how I had these expectations of him engaging with me in a certain way. He said my tone was academic-y, I was trying to get at my feelings through constructs that didn’t land right for him. That’s true, when I can’t express my feelings to him in this muppety way (which is rare) it’s very disassociated and abstract.

He says, it’s cool. He  gets it. We always take a minute to re-calibrate after a long time apart and housing has always been a sensitive subject for us.

.

P says it’s insane how there are no hot women in Seattle. There are absolutely no 8, 9 or 10’s.

He said the hottest girl here  that 16 year old playing DDR (dance dance revolution) that we saw yesterday at Gameworks..

He said he went on Seeking Arrangement just to see what’s out there, and it felt like he was on an old rickety boat casting a wide net to see what he can get and what he got was an old shoe, a rubber tire and maybe something that kinda look like an old mussel.

Aww man, that sounds so sad, Mupps..

.

P was getting sleepy so we hung up.

I’m getting tired..

.

Crazy how the housing issue is this constant theme, that is always a question mark..

.

 

This weekend, I want to go back and tell you about it, because it was a microcosm, filled with so many insights, modulations, and recurrent themes..

I hope I have a chance to..

.

 

Anyways, I see how A and P are helping me work through all my ego issues, which is what I need right now, in order to manifest Pervette.

 

Monday, August 12, 2019 11:33pm

 

Dear U,

It was a busy day. I woke up at 9:31am. Masturbated not to any fantasy, just to the feeling. I was only able to come when I thought of working on and launching Pervette.

.

I meditated for an hour. Thinking about how I want to get clean and clear, on every level.

..My body, my house, my computer, my hard drives.. I need everything in order and in its place to connect everything..

.

I scheduled an appointment with my shamanic colonic for the 26th. From the options I can do an implant in the colonic–aloe vera, chlorophyl, parasite? How perfect.

.

Then I started cleaning. I tackled my walk in closet. From the piles in it, it seems as though I never fully unpacked since February. I have artifacts and stuff from 2 New York trips, Bali, and Europe. Jesus. I was kinda disgusted with myself for buying too many little random things, and I held on to anything that can help me remember where I went, every receipt, business card, flyer, hotel stationary, sugar packet, button, jesus, I’m insane. I quickly gathered all the artifacts by trip and put them in the golden Agent Provacateur Soiree box.

It took about 2 hours to declutter the floor of the walk-in closet. Then I tackeld the next mupp disaster area. My vanity side of the bathroom, which also had 4 trips worth of toiletry explosions. I organized all my toiletries that was thrown in the canbinet underneath the sink. Jesus. I see all my neuroses. Look at all these hair oils I’ve bought everywhere I go, Bali, New York, the OC, Erewhon in LA. That took about over an hour to organize.

I’m losing steam and i haven’t covered the rest of the house.

I made lunch, avocado and fried egg toast on yucan crackers,

It’s an unusually warm day, perfect for eating outside.

I texted P2 to see if he can come over to help me tidy up.

He could.

.

He comes over at 4. He tells me about his analysis of the dream he had of me and the mansion where I had my party. The mansion and its many rooms was pervette.. And how my friend, L, brought treats to the party is likened to how my friends will contribute to pervette in our co-creations..And my breast milk that I squeezed into (th refreshments?), P2 thinks that’s what I give or pur into Pervette, a part of me that’s nourishing those who are a part of it.

I really like his analysis.

P2 helped me put the fresh sheets and duvet cover on the bed. He blows the leaves off the hot tub and deck and folds the laundry and then takes off.

I then tackle the plastic bins in the garage. After sitting there for so long, I can see how a lot of the stuff can go totally go to goodwill, the gym paraphernalia, weights, clothes, vases, etc. I throw all of that in the trunk. I also oragnize and fillup two plastic bins with some of P’s notebooks, Japanese kanji cards, and my old tax stuff, blank cds, and cd cases. Oh the good o’ mixed cds days.

Funny how I was just making a mix for A last night and here I come across all the artifacts that bring me back to when I was obsessed with mixes..

.

Funny how I was supposed to go to aerial class at 6 today, which is the same time P gets in from Seattle and that was also the reason why I couldn’t pick him up and he made pakns to get dinner with his brother instead.

I ditched aerial, went to goodwill, dumped a ton a stuff off, steathily as there was a sign saying they don’t accept donations at this location anymore. There was no way I wasn’t not going to get rid of this stuff then and there. I dumped and dashed.

Went to public storage, dropped off the two bins of stuff, drove back, tidied up the moon room, and took a nice hot shower to wash all the grime off me.

P came home as I was in the shower..

.

 

 

 

 

.

I pick his brain, as he is the ideal client, on what makes him want to subscribe to someone’s onlyfans..

Essentially porn, he says.

.

I add more songs to A’s mix–spare, singer songwriter-ish is my mood.

I think I’ll continually add more songs, daily.

Funny how I have no desire to see A. I just want to make him a mix, add more to it day by day, and know that we’re connected through these songs that we’re both listening to, possibly at the same time

This is how I assuaged my desire when I was younger. It was the supplement.

.

4:13pm

 

Dear  U,

Instead of having sex with P, I had a good conversation with him in my Agent Provocateur panties about sex and his waning sexual desire.

He knows himself, that this is his pattern, he’s attracted to the conquest, to novelty, as evidenced by his “next” current obsession, which right now is Seattle. New home, new pussy, he’s always on the go, on to the next.

There were a few tears shed on my part, reconciling the dissonance between my sexual reawakening and his lack thereof.

But at the same time, I was at peace with everything as is.

He felt bad, judging himself for not being happy with what he has. I told him it’s okay, that’s how he feels, and I’m in full support of it.

He says it’s a great thing that we’re in an  open relationship which means I can get my sexual needs met elsewhere.

I recognize that this is the explicit license that I might’ve secretly wanted from him without even intending for it to unfold in this way.

I see my future filled with sex. In all its wildest manifestations, and here he is saying go for it.

And so I guess I truly don’t have to feel bad if I have threesomes with A and my lady friends and, maybe I should get back to P, who just called and I didn’t pick up, he’s in town and wants to have some sexual adventure tomorrow with him and J. I haven’t seen them since our last night in Bali, where we were all naked swimming in the pool of their villa.

.

I want threesomes, spiritual sexual experiences.

I also want to expand my professional repertoire. As I open myself up in Pervette and widen my offerings, I want to play with other areas of sexwork, but of course through my pervetted slant. What does the pervette version of camgirl and escorting look like? It’s not like what you think. It’ll be everything I want.

Which is to mean I’m going to do what I love to do, and do so naturally, but this time  receive “full appreciation” for it, through my lovers’ support in the realization of my inner most dreams..

 

.

11:11pm

Dear   U,

SO much has happened today, … let’s see if I can remember all the pieces..

Got up with P. We were at the breakfast table, I was writing out my dream, he was on his computer. It’s a rare moment, us in the house together. He said last night  that of this year he’s probably been here no more than 10 days. That might be true..

He went off to try a new to him breakfast spot, Venus, while I hung back and meditated for an hour. Then I wrote, the new Humanatrix page. The words came to me earlier in my meditation. It’s still drafty, but it’s a start..

I wrote to S, my web designer, to let her know when she’s ready, I’m down to hire her to help me create the mobile versions of the pages I’m going to create. And my goal is to show the underwriter of the credit card processing company something by September

.

P came home in a great mood. I thought I had my private pilates lesson at noon but it was actually 5, so I got to go with him to lunch, at Shinmai, a place I picked out for us since it’s a 3 min walk for him to his 1pm meeting.

.

On the ride there he said he was proud of me for trying to figure out what to do next, it’s not easy..this was based on the conversation we had last night, about how he hasn’t really seen a Domme pull it off, what to do with her next chapter after sessioning..

It feels like a woman has two choices, either to make money or make a baby, he says..

.

We had lunch, when P took off, I hung back, ate all his scraps, and ordered a sake. I took sips as I read the book P2 lent me, Freeplay.

.

His meeting went well.

When we came home, I changed into some Agent Provocateur panties, a subtle signal that I was  DTF.

I laminated the book I got recently at Mrs Dalloway, 41Walking Tours in Berkeley. P had crinkled the cover of it earlier when he took the car to breakfast and probably set his backpack on it.

I started reading the intro, the history of Berkeley and studying the different architectural styles of the buildings common in Berkeley. The Italianate, Queen Anee, Art Deco, I want to get good of describing what’s around  me, this is aligned with me wanting to identify the birds and wildflowers around me, hence these regional books.

Bioregionalism—a term that Jenny Odell introduced to me through her book, How to DOo Nothing.

.

When P came up, I said guess what I’m wearing, he didn’t  seem to hear me, he went into the study, and started working on his computer..

.

At some point, I came in and he saw what I was wearing, my AP panties.

He felt uncomfortable, I can tell, because I was down to fuck and he was down to continue looking at houses in Seattle and coordinating with his friend T to fly a sea plane on Friday to go look at some house on an island..

.

Well, if you don’t feel like it, we don’t have to, let’s just talk about sex..

He was squirmy, riddled with some guilt that he doesn’t feel it, he knows he should be into it more with me, but he’s not. Like maybe he should be more into this beautiful house I created, but  here he is, always chasing the next thing..

.

He says he knows he loves me a lot, but he just can’t even try because he doesn’t have it in him.

We moved into the orgy room, at my request, and we continued our conversation.
I told him that I get it, and I know that’s how he is. And things are changing for me, since I got my IUD taken out, my sex drive is back. And since I saw A, I realize how deep in monk and mupp mode I’ve been that I almost lost this sexual part of myself which I think is integral to my creative energy.

He gets it and is happy for me and thinks it’s great that we’re in an open relationship, therefore I can get my needs met elsewhere.

.

A tear was shed. I see this opening for us to create a spiritual sexual union closing…he has no desire to try..to reignite this.

And upon writing this now, my subconscious knew that this is actually a turning point in our relationship. He has given me his blessing to seek and find what I desire elsewhere.

And so I will.

.

He says I can do as I please.

Just don’t have sex with other guys in the house, that’s all.

.

And at some point we closed the conversation, P felt relieved, I felt some release as well.

He went downstairs to take a quick nap, and I made myself a chocolate protein hot drink with everything in it.

.

I wrote to you, outside, sipping my drink.

Then when P got up, I put on my yoga clothes and we drove down the hill together. The plan was, after he drops me off, he was gonna head into the city to have dinner with N, I was  welcomed to join if I wanted, he can wait for me to finish pilates and we can ride together. I told him I’m good..

.

He said he loved me and really appreciated the conversation we just had. That was really hard for him, that was a conversation he was never able to have in any of his relationship prior to ours. And yet that was his pattern, he said we laster longer than most of his past relationships, he typically lose interest sexually with his partners in about 6months or a year, here we made it to 3 or 4 years..

And he had shame about it but that quickly dissolved  when we started talking about it,

He said that I made it easy, because I wasn’t judgey or took it personally.

.

I said I was very happy that we had the talk, for me it was as good as sex, to break through this silence and get at the heart of what was going on.

I could tell that he loves me more now than he did an hour ago, just from that one conversation, there was a lightness to his tone, like that of a child that knows he’s not in trouble anymore, there’s no need to be skiddish or run away.

He now knows that he is accepted, and loved for who he is, and how he feels.

.

Thanks for being on the music, he says.

I feel naughty for playing the playlist I made for A in my car ride with P, but I wanted to hear what I curated, how do the transitions sound..

.

He dropped me off at pilates. I worked with a new trainer, and got me acclimated to the reformer and we went through a few exercises. I was in my body and yet it it all felt like a blur

.

Afterwards I went into this skincare store. There was a pink dot sale. Just as I was hating myself yesterday for having too many fucking toiletries. I got this fancy organic toothpaste and mushroom powder drink mix. Then I made a second purchase, fancy eye cream, two bottles of collagen, and fancy deodorant..

.

I was at the far end of Solano Ave at San Pablo, I was in  a walky mood so I walked up SOlano. I stopped by the spice shop and got a bottle of Ume-Shiso Furikake seasoning..

.

Oh the air was perfect, it was t-shirt weather and it was the magic hour, so I kept on walking..

.

I stopped by the Pub, a random house on Solano Ave that serves cigars and drinks, I decided to pop and see if the place was how I remembered from a decade ago. Yep, still house like, to  get a drink  it feels like you’re going into little Timmy’s room. I got a glass of port and sat down by the window, to read the book I carried with me today, Free Play.

I texted J. I’ve been meaning to ask her if I can use her and C’s giant apt in NY to host the Domme bootcamp this Nov. I don’t wan t to ask over text, so I asked her if  she was free tonight or this week, we can have a quick chat “baby related and otherwise.” My strategy was to make the convo seem like it was about babies since she’s always telling me to get my eggs frozen and have a baby already and at the very end I’ll ask about the Domme bootcamp venue..

She said she’ll be free in 30 after W goes to bed..

.

I read, took tons of notes on Freeplay, and actually finished the whole glass of port. What’s up with me and drinking today? Earlier at Shinmai, I had the sake..

.

I kept on walking as the sun was setting behind me. When I got near the benches outside Zachary’s pizza, J called..

I’m glad I had th sport earlier, it made me extra bubbly. I told her how I got my IUD take out last week, and I’ve been having dreams of freezing my eggs.. And I hear that she’s going the surrogate path, I think I want a surrogate situation as well..

She told me that’s a good idea. She just got a boob lift and lips done recently, because of her first baby.

Her nipples point downward and she gained 50 pounds from her pregnancy.

Jesus Christ.

But when you see what you created, it’s worth it, she says in her broken English accent.

.

The  back story is… I know J though C. C was my former client, friend now and we were lovers for one quick minute. I don’t J knows any of this.. I don’t think she knows that I helped save their relationship when she caught C having sex with another woman, I coached him on how to win her back. To his surprise, he did win her back. They got married and now they have a baby together.

I know  I only met you once she said, but I keep on telling C how much  I  love you like a little sister.

Does P want to have a baby.

No, we actually don’t have sex that much anymore. The last time we had sex was in June.

That’s not healthy she said.

But our relationship is really good otherwise.

Does he want to get married.

No, I think we don’t feel like marriage  is  necessary. I mean I know we’re soulmates, twin flames even,  and then

I told her about A, how I’ve know him since I was 18, and I think we’re soulmates as well and our sex is amazing and he’s been wanting to have  a baby for years and he hints at wanting to have a baby  with me..

.

She says she’s gonna be honest with me. I need to  commit, I may look like I’m in my twenties but I am getting older, and my shelf life will change when I hit my mid 40’s. I need to choose who I want to marry, and have  a baby with them. Men can fuck around forever, but for women, it’s different.

I mean she’s a traditionalist, I’m not, but I hear her..

She says that for a man to say he  wants to have a baby with you is  a big deal. He’s protecting himself, she says of A, because I’m in an open relataionship.

She thinks I should marry A and have a baby with him.

She says she’s gonna set me up with her psychic again. And this time she wants me to ask her whom I should be  with, since this psychic is really good about intuiting partnership. She told J that C was the one for her.

It’s on her she says. I told her I can pay for it. She insists, she wants to know. And she feels like I’m her little sister and she  wants to protect me..

I thanked her. And then I asked her if I can host the Domme bootcamp at her and C”s pad, she says absolutely and she  wants  to attend, and she  wants to create a pop-up museum with me about buds and shadow my session and  learn from me, to all that I said yesssss..

First things first, freeze your eggs, she  says.

Okay, I’m on it.

And then we hung up.

Holy fuck, I thought I was calling her to just nail down the venue for the Domme bootcamp, and what I got was a possible life changing decision I might just make.

I mean I might just have a baby with A.

Holy fuck…

.

Then I went into Pegasus and got Blindness by Henry Green. It’s a New York Review Book, I like that publishing house, the design of the cover, and the first couple of pages reads as though it’s from the protagonist’s journal. And it was on sale for 7.99.

I continued walking with 2 books under my arm. I didn’t feel like calling an uber. The night was warm, the moon was bright and almost full, so I just kept on walking, with the big low moon to my right guiding me up the crazy steep hill of Marin Ave. IN all these years, I’ve never walked this path.  The slope was insane even for driving down or up it. My legs were burning, I just breathed though it..

The  belladonnas are in bloom, early this year, by a month. I picked a bud and placed its tiny stem carefully in my book so I can later put the bud in my tiny vase.

Another mile up, I picked another bud and placed it in the Freeplay book.

P texted he said he’s done with dinner and heading home, I said I was walking up the hill, he said he can pick me up. But the timing is such  that I might make it home maybe minute before him..

I passed by two Free Library book booths. With my phone light I checked out the selectiion, the first book booth had nothing. The one further cup the hill had What to Expect When You’re Expecting, that’s a sign. And a vintage copy of The Intimate Henery Miller, that I grabbed..

.

My the time I made it to Grizzly Peak, my legs were so wobbly. I vacillated and then decided to share with P my location, till End of Night. I requested  for him to share his location with me.

I walked and passed by a deer. And more belladonnas, this time I pulled the whole stem and walked with the dangling belladonnas in my right hand and my 3 books under my left arm. With the bright moon in front of me..

Just was I was turning the last bend and made it to the cut de sac,  I saw the lights of my Audi from behind, P rolled up just as I was 40 ft away from the house..

He  rolls down the passenger window and asks if I want a ride. So I hopped in and we drove into the garage..

He was impressed that I walked all the way home, that was a good 3 miles..

.

He says he loves me so much, he w as telling N and K over dinner how amazing I am and how awesome our relationship is.

We got home and stripped off all our clothes and hopped in the hot tub..

He’s commenting more on how sexy I look..and presses my penis against me in this very awkward muppet way. And he sings a  muppet song about the hot tub, and how likes to rub…

I remember now him saying something earlier in our sex talk, about how maybe if I build my sexual desire with others that might reignite ours, since he seems heavily influenced by what I do. As he feels inspired by my clean eating and exercise to get back into it..so maybe..

.

He says everything feels so right when we an make fun of ourselves…

I agree, that talk shifted things..

.

I wonder…

What’s going to happen?

Will I have a serious talk with A about this possibility

Of us eventually having a baby?

What’s going to happen if we do?

After we got out and showered, P settled into bed with his youtube

I went up to write to you and add 5 more songs to A’s playlist..

The last one is

Lykke Li’s cover of Drake’s I’m Coming Home.

I liked that song for a long while, and one day, I listened closely to its lyrics and I realized or theorized that it’s actually about coming home to a lover and wanting to make a baby..

.

I can’t believe I’m triuly considering this…

 

 

.

Last week, I was lusting over him.
This week, I have no deisre to see him (maybe because I knwo he’ll be off to Gautamala  Thursdayto be with his girl and space is good)

But instead I think about him, I feel connected, even though we’re 11 miles apart ( Iknow that because I see where he is through the Find Your Friends app) when  we’re both at home. And this past week, we were 900 or so miles apart. Me in Seattle, him in the OC..

.

And now holy fuck, now I’m thinking about…

.

 

 

 

 

according to rob brezsny..

AQUARIUS

(January 20- February 18)

“Look into my eyes. Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.” Poet Sylvia Plath wrote that, and now, in accordance with astrological omens, I’m authorizing you to say something similar to anyone who is interested in you but would benefit from gazing more deeply into your soul and entering into a more profound relationship with your mysteries. In other words, you have cosmic permission to be more forthcoming in showing people your beauty and value.
Wednesday, August 14, 2019 10:06am
Dear U,
My goodness, so much is going on (inside my head), I had all this energy to write to tell you everything and then P just came home from breakfast. My flow seems to get broken when P or anyone is around.
I think I wanted to write all about A, and so it makes sense that I don’t want to right now as P is around..
.
I remember last Saturday when I showed P the screenshot that Q sent me. It was a paragraph from my journal about soulmates and how they’re not the perfect person in your fantasy, they’re perfectly flawed for you..
P liked what he read, but he also saw the first line of the next paragraph that said something like “I’m glad P is copying me and journaling now..”
P raised his eyebrows and said, so should I go on Pervettte to know what’s going on with you?
Yeah, maybe..
.
I wonder if P will ever read my journal, I kinda hope not at this point. But I imagine he will one of these days. The thing is I’ve said so much about him and us, that I don’t even know what’s appropriate or not in how much I’ve shared.
Well, eventually my journal will be at a much deeper level in Pervette. And you have to “create an exchange” with me to access these intimate thoughts..
But for now.. I’m an open book.
.
Right before I went to sleep last night, I paid $5 to get my expanded audio horoscope from Rob Brezsny. I’ve been paying these horoscopes from now more often now. I’ve just been hungry to know what’s going on.
Since my IUD is out, I feel the constellation so intensely. This full moon in insane.
.
Anyways, Rob says I need to overcome any fears and self doubt I have this week. The more I can work on that, the more heavily rewarded I’ll be, and these rewards will take the form of learning new unusual ways to conduct myself in intimate relationships.. (very relevant)
Suck out all lazy habits in relationship, he says..
Raw truths about love and intimacy that will appeal to my authenticity will come to me..Life will bring big blessings and collaboration..with people I think are out of my range..
It’s an expansion of how I think love works…
And remember that Susan Miller horoscope that was 4 days delayed and had me checking like 20 times a day for…
Here’s what she says..
All of your attention will be on your partner in the first half, and it’s the right time to partner up. Your solar seventh house of marriage and committed partnerships is sparkling like diamonds, for you have the Sun, new moon, Venus, and Mars at the beginning of the month all squeezed into this house. As an Aquarian, you are generally a loner at heart, but this month, you may decide that you that you can’t do everything in life by yourself, and having a partner in love or business can be sweet indeed.
Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, now in your house of friendship, will beam dazzling rays to all the little planets that are brightening your solar seventh house of marriage and business partnerships
Some Aquarian readers will get engaged or marry this month, and it will be a joyous time…
(P, last Saturday, got down on his knee, jokingly to present in his cupped hands the organic face balm that he got for me in Tokyo, I had asked for it..this was right before the very connected ritual we have of me cutting his hair)
See I thought this was about my partnership with P, but now I’m not so sure, esp after my talk with J last night…
.
I keep thinking (since last night) that after my threesome with A and L, L is going to be my sister wife and surrogate mother for my child with A.
.
I do think that in my crazy world, that I can have it all. A beautiful partnership with both P and A and multiple sisterwives..
But then there’s this other part of me that doesn’t know what will happen..myabe I only do choose one as P might find someone else.
.
I remember what A2 said to me in May after our Domme Bootcamp was over. SHe said that I will find over time there will be many men who will think I’m the one for them, and I will have many choices. As for me, over time, he’ll see that I’m the only one for him because he’s not easy  as I am to be with..
I think that might be true, at least for the time being. After our sex talk yesterday, P has been extra lovey dovey, muppety and hyper appreciative of me, for being so easy going with his tendency to chase novelty..
.
Back to Susan MIller…
Venus rules your home and is under attack from Uranus, but Uranus is moving in your house of home and is also attacking it.
Now, on August 11, Jupiter will bolt forward and help you in a bigger, more noticeable way. Your eleventh house, where Jupiter is based, is not only the house of friendship, but also the house of hopes and wishes. You may finally grasp a dream dear to your heart.
The full moon on August 15 will bring your attention back to you, along with your dreams and needs. Until now, you’ve been riveted on your partner and either how to structure the partnership or how to make your partner happy. Now the focus goes back to you, and you will get clarity of what you need in life to be fulfilled. Additionally, something of enormous importance to you will reach fruition on August 15 to 19. You’ll immediately know what it is when it happens.
Here is the remarkable and exciting part of this new moon, August 30: Uranus, the planet that was a thorn in your side earlier in August, now will change his annoying ways and become your best friend. The money you receive will completely surprise you, for that’s Uranus’ trademark.
.
12:07pm
Dear U,
As I was writing to you outside, P popped his head out and said he’s gonna grab lunch with F before his meeting his C, so he’s taking off soon and would love my help in golding some laundry for him to pack.
I was happy to since I was actually planning to at some point because the thought of unfolded laundry hanging around was bothering my OCD mindstate.
.
He was grateful, we chatted as I folded and he packed.
It’s so peaceful and quiet here, P says. He’s been saying that more often these past few days. It’s true. It is very peaceful here. With this gorgeous warm weather, it feels almost heavenly how perfect and idyllic this setting is. The beauty that surrounds me that I’m so sensitive to makes me want to slow down. I can feel it having just the slightest siren effect on P. He acknowledges it, but as soon as he feels it, he has the itch to run away.
.
And so he took off. In the past, the house would feel different, a little lonely after he leaves. I would feel a tinge of melancholy, the subtle abandonment thing I still have from time to time. But this time, it was different. I was at peace.
I’m so aware that P’s high frenetic and self-obsessed energy is not what I need. I’m too busy preoccupied with own self and my own projects and thoughts to want to fully engage with his.
.
And just like that P took off. I saw him thinking right before he left. He was planning on going straight back to Seattle after his meetings but now he’s not so sure since he couldn’t charter a sea plane to go look at islands this weekend. Nothing excites him more than not knowing where he’ll be in the next few hours, he likes to keep all options always open..
.
When I was making avocado toast on yucan crackers, I had this thought. Or I was playing out different scenarios of how my love story unfolds.
In one ending  I felt sad for P that maybe when he realized that maybe he should’ve put more time and energy into us, it might be too late.
But then I keep thinking maybe there’s no such thing as regret in this story. Things will happen just as they should…
8:44pm
Dear U,
Funny how the day unfolds in unexpected ways. I was so ready to write, pour my thoughts out on love and intimacy as it relates to A and P.
But after he left and I made myself avocado toast, I lost the energy. Everything slowed down.  I talked to my mom, since I told her Monday I would call her that night..She’s trying to avoid having my visiting relatives stay at her house this weekend, so she tells them a lie, that my sister and I are in town.
I ask her if she can check her lunar calendar for an auspicious day to launch Pervette.  She said she will..
.
She asks if P and I are thinking of getting married.
No, not really, I replied. I didn’t feel like getting into what’s really on my mind, that I’m considering, entertaining the idea of having a child with my lover in 3 years..
You ought to,  think about getting married she said, she echos what J said last night, an aging woman like me will be at a disadvantage as we grow older.
.
I nap. Wake up, the day is incredibly warm..I went downstairs to meditate. I see a very andro mupp in the mirror. I think when I don’t have sex, masturbate or come, I take on the look of a sexless person.
I listen to Chani Nicholas’ workshop on the full moon in Aquarius, that I bought and downloaded last night.. She had altar suggestions that I took up. And I did the guided meditation.
And then P(5?) calls and we talk about his idea of surprising J with a blindfold and leading her on an adventure. I like the idea but it’s gonna take a little more time and energy to pull it off than just winging it tonight. We make plans for when they’re back in town again to do it, he’ll capture it on film as well. He says he really wants to keep this co-creative thread that we had on that night when we were in the pool mindmelting..
I seem to have this effect on people. We meet, merge visions, and make plans to co-create. I think I’ll be able to follow through on all these ideas, that’s what my ADHD self thinks..
.
I did something different. I went downstairs with Cutie and the Freeply book, where it was 15 degrees cooler and I sat in the blue room bed and read.
That’s the first time I ever got in that new bed we got from my birthday party. Ad the first time I experienced the guest room painted blue by P2, with the blue light coming in. I normally opt for the moon room, the sunniest spot in the house. And here I am in the darker corner of the house with this blue light coming in from the lightwell window. I enjoyed the novelty of it. And the escape from the heat, it felt like it was 69 degrees down there.
I read a  few chapters and masturbated. It was great.
I’ve been telling myself that I want to devote more time to reading.
.
I ordered spring rolls from Xyclo. Also something different.. ordering delivery..
What’s going on?
.
I feel strange. As I typically do these days. Everything is strange.
My appetite is voracious. I finished a bag of walnuts, ate a ton of basil pudding. And just a half hour ago I wolfed down 2 giant orders of vegan and sugarcane shrimp spring rolls.  I feel like I can eat forever.
.
At J’s urgent suggestion, I texted Z the psychic and made plans to chat with her tomorrow at 2:30.  I texted my birthday and sent her a photo of me.
She just replied saying I can in the meantime prepare my questions for her tomorrow..
I’ll ask about P and A..
The housing situation..
When is a good time to launch Pervette..
Anything else?
I can’t tell what I want to do right now. Read or write?? Or clean?
I think I’ll read…
Freeplay and Soul Craft
And Keeping WIndow Open (that came in the mail yesterday, I wanted to get in when I was in Seattle but P told me not to, as it’s a big heavy book I’ll have to lug around.
.
I called my sister, since she’s been trying to reach me ever since last Saturday when P texted her asking if she knows of any brokers in Seattle. She thinks we’re moving to Seattle..
I gave her the deets. And I asked about her experience of freezing her eggs. She did iw twice with two different doctors and facilities. One was with a very pricey doctor, another was at UCSF. The pricey doctor was 21K, UCSF was 12K.
She didn’t do the embryo because she wasn’t sure if she was really gonna be with her fiancee now at that time. And she heard about some celebrity couple who did the embryo and after they split, there’s now an issue since you need the other’s consent on what to do with your embryo..
She got it done when she was 38 1/2.
She said worse comes to worse I can always use her eggs.
I told her aww thanks, it’ll be good if we have 3 eggs of basket instead of just her two..
.
Thursday, August 15, 2019 11:11am
Dear U,
Another warm morning. I woke up knowing why I had to gorge on spring rolls last night. Because today I’m starting my water fast. I was gonna do it tomorrow since I have my pilates lesson and a session with S2 today. But something (like Cutie) told me today’s the day, on the full moon in Aquarius.
.
I haven’t been giving you the full update on Cutie as she’s always with me. But yesterday’s strange feeling day was prompted by her. I would look at her for guidance and it seem like she was prodding me along, feeding ideas, like going downstairs, ordering spring rolls, anyways, I don’t talk about her as much I ought to because you’ll think I’m crazy, if you haven’t already.
.
I had a very vivid dream that I remembered from last night, that I have yet to decipher.
I can read words in dreams.. those words are my biggest clues…I wish I can remember them better….
.
I had a stream of pervette ideas re levels come to me during my meditation.
My secrets are  valuable is the take hime message.
.
My journals and thoughts feel very intimate these days. I’m looking forward to moving them into even more private spaces soon..
.
A texted last night around 1am. I was already in bed by 11..
Meep, was all he said.
.
I texted back this morning with a bitmoji, the cartoon me.. with a cal in the background Good week? it says
.
A good week it was, I think he’s wrapped up his fundraising round and is on his way to SFO (according to the Friend Finder app) to Mexico City, to spend time with his girl.
.
He says he’ll be back next week, we should hang out.
I told him to save the 23rd, I’m gonna see if I can pull off a threesome for us that night
.
I’m excited that I’m starting the water fast today. I can’t wait to experiment with this. What will it do to me?

How will I feel? Physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually?

.
I’m gonna pause here to call my dad and wish him a Happy Birthday..
.
Called him, he just cashed the check I gave him for his birthday..
And he asked where I was and where P was. I’m home, P is back in Seattle looking at houses.
He paused and said I need to get my name on the title of something. Do what needs to be done today and not later..
He says it’s uncertain if P will deliver on his words, when he said that after he sells the Berkeley house he’ll help me buy my own place. Everything is 50/50.
An aging woman like me needs to be more strategic. My value is decreasing..
(it seems to be a theme)
The only thing that’s hard to do is your “idea” and will.
Dad’s advice isn’t so crazy sounding today…
Then he goes off and talks about something/someone in the news and he loses me..
I try to wrap it up and his finals words is that I need to have “power” in the relationship. Don’t  be his “bodyguard”
Words in quotes are the actual words he said in English, which I take as clues from the universe trying to tell me something through my autistic dad. It’s almost like decoding a really non-sense-making dream.
ANd I should get a lotto ticket this weekend.
Okay, happy birthday, I love you, Dad. Bye.
.
.
P sent me a zillow listing of a house in Montclair. He asks is it too soon to send me listings?
He says it looks like a mini mupp HQ, and it can be all mine..
.
Where was I before call with dad?
.
Oh right..
12:21pm
I just masturbated and came twice. I feel good. A diet of water, tea, and orgasms.
.
I thought about writing a separate piece on my water fast..
This journal has been a catch all for everything that’s on my mind.
It got my writing flow going, but it made me lazy in terms of structuring things.
So now I’m going to write pages and they’ll eventually go somewhere  in pervette..
.
I dunno,, trying something new..
1:51pm
Okay, I wrote for at least an hour (I forgot to turn the hour glass upside down until 20 min)
About my water fast and part of last Saturday in Seattle..
.
I’m not sure why I feel compelled to write out what happened in detail. It seems uneventful by sheer facts of what happend, but it’s my interior word that feels something big..
.
I’m feeling my first hunger pang..
.
I can also feel it in my throat, a desire to put something in it.
I wonder if it’s cheating if I consume lemon water. The goal is to not tamper with my insulin level. I don’t think lemon water with salt will mess with it, too much.
.
Rest of the day…
I had my call with Z, the psychic J wanted me to talk to. I talked to her once before but I didn’t have the same questions as I did today. About who I should be with. And what’s to come of this house..
Private pilates lesson with E.
Session with S2. We seem to always session on the full moon. He brought me a bag of freshly picked heirloom tomatoes from his garden. We tried out the new electro toys that he and I picked out.  One was called the Slim Jim, a silicone urethral sound with a corona base to hold it in place. That was a hit..
.
Friday, August 17, 2019
Dear U,
Day 2 of Fast…whoa..I feel funny..
You can read about my fasting experience here
I really wanted to get going on page 3 of pervette
But the theme of today is deep cleaning..
As I just scheduled a deep cleanse facial for Monday and I’m having the house cleaners come back to back after the roofing and window cleaners finish up here.
.
G, the window cleaner, says he loved what I’ve done with the house. It keeps changing over time. He can tell that we’ve done a lot of work with it since he was here last November. He noted the changes in the library and the main room. He says it’s incredible how it keeps getting better. He wishes he can do that. It takes a special talent to be able to do that.
.
1:42pm
Dear U,
The roof/gutter/windows/cobweb cleaners just left and the house cleaners are here taking care of the rest of the house.
I just showed one of the cleaners my rack of 20-30 dresses that I’m giving away and told her to help herself.
.
I organized all my folded clothes in the master closet and I tackled the camera gear in the toad room.
There’s this strange somber feeling that’s come over me. I know that by the time I have the upper deck replaced and this whole house is in pristine perfect order, and I will have finally organized every nook and cranny in this house, it will be time to part with it..
.
I should tell you about the call that I had with Z the psychic yesterday. She brought a lot of clarity to everything..
.
How I should be with P, our time together isn’t over yet..
That A is just meant to be my lover. He loves me and  thinks of me fondly, and he is there for emotional support more than P at times, but we were not meant to be together as a couple.
She says in 10 years from now, we will still be lovers.
.
When she asked if we should sell the house, she said absolutely, 2020 is a great year for it.
I told her how P said he would help me with the down payment for my own place. She said that’s great because he owes me money (from a past life?)
There’s more to tell you, but I have to go get my windshield window replaced..
6:45pm
Dear U,
I left the cleaners (with a tip) to clean the rest of the house while I went down the hill to get my windshield replaced.
While I waited I went to a cafe nearby, one I sued to go to all the time about a decade ago. They’ve changed owners and name a while ago, so the vibe felt different.
I sat outside with a cup of tea doing research on water fasting autophagy. The more I read, the more it seems to make good sense to just do a 3 day fast. I can’t tell if all this tea I’m drinking is rendering my fast ineffective.
The head of the housecleaning co called to tell me that they’re almost done cleaning the house and they wanted me to confirm that I am donating that whole rack of clothes that I said earlier. I confirmed.
I got my windshield replaced. A stone hit it a month and ahalf ago when P and I were in the car, right after I picked him up from Concord airport.
Then I went to Berkeley Bowl and got all the bottles of Castle Rock water that they had. Plus Mountain Valley..
And I also picked up some royal jelly and collagen.
When I came home, the house was quiet and spotless.
It was almost 5, the magic hour. I sat on the biomat, with my back to the glass door, taking in the beauty of the golden light shining into this north corner of the house. To just sit in it brings me so much joy.
It’s a strange feeling, to let go of it, once again. We’ve been through this so many times. The talk of selling it, me learning how to let go more and more each time. It still quietly hurts, but at least now, I can feel myself getting closer to truly saying goodbye.
The fantasy of holding on is losing its grip.
.
I got my zafu and blanket and meditated
Oh wow, this is why I’m fasting. I can go so deep in my meditations..
.
I saw…
How my moods and reality shift day by day, week by week.
One week I’m in lust,
Another I’m contemplating a future with my lover
And then a psychic brought me back to my senses
And now I see..
Why I’ve been in this house that has never really been mine,
When P wanted to buy a house with me 5 years ago, we were in search of a cocoon.
And we found it. This cocoon was an ephemeral gift, as cocoons are.
It allowed me to do the work on myself to heal and transform myself.
It taught me how to love without attachment
It taught me how to serve it, take care of it, make it a home
a sanctuary for all those who enter
It taught me how to weather the big storms and close fires,
It taught me how to share
It taught me how grow,
shed my old self and find a more free and powerful me
It taught me everything I needed to know
to birth pervette
and from the beginning it was
teacing me how to leave it
Better than I found it
.
I went for a pre sunset walk with Cutie,
my steps grew slower and slower,
I went down to the sunset bench,
There was a bunch of belladonnas blooming right by it
I love how sad the belladonnas make me
It always comes when summer ends.
The perfect shade of pink
It blooms so magnificently
that you can’t help but to remember
it’s time again,
passing by
it comes and goes so quickly
.
I can’t tell you how overwhelming this feeling is
Beautiful sadness.
Everything is so perfect and constantly changing.
.
There are three parts of me
The part that wants to clean the rest of the house
Organize all my books my different groups of inspiration
Organize all my art supplies in the drawers of the blue room closet
Organize all my random inspiration objects in the cabinet above the circular sink in between the moon room and kitchen
Organize the shoe closet which house all the rest of my random mupp stuff
Organize all my files in my computer and hard drives
Then there’s the part of me that wants to create the paths(parts of me) for page 3 of pervette
Then there’s the part of me that wants to go back and record all the unrecorded days in my 2019 project planner (that’s more a daily log diary than a planner)
And then there’s the 4th part of me that wants to go really slow and just meditate.
.
I think one of my neighbors is making pasta. I can smell it boiling in a hot pot of water.
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Strange how just two days ago, I texted G to find a time to come clean the gutters and windows, and he happened to have an opening for today. And then this morning, I felt into it and called the housecleaners and they were available today and so was the windshield for my car. And I decided to not put it off for another day.
Now I can see clearly through every house window and even my car.
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Funny how it seem like it was going to be a warm day but it cooled off by late afternoon. The weather is shifting.
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I just lit four candles, one for each Guanyin shrine, and I just realized tonight that I have a Gaunyin facing all four directions..
I said a prayer. I felt it so strongly, tears began to flow..
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I think this fasting is helping me go deeper..
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I’m not mentioning how important Cutie has been during this time. I feel like I’m braving some new frontier and I look to her for guidance.
I feel like I might need to tell P2, who texted asking if he can visit and take her for a night tomorrow night, that I need her during this time. I feel very fragile, and there’s something about her that’s giving me strength. Maybe I’ll have P2 come over and visit with her for a few hours, but I can’t go a night without her during this fast. She’s been guiding me through this. I need her more than ever..
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I talk to P. He had a great day in Seattle. He got to ride in a helicopter over the islands with T. Whenever him and T are together, they do rich white dude things..
And now he’s settling down to pizza.
He asks about my fast. I tell him how everything is slowing down and my sits are getting deeper. He says he really impressed with me.
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And I also told him how I’m very grateful for my time here in this house, and it allowed me to heal and grow and I’m coming to a place where (even though it’s hard) I’m ready to let go of it in the next year. And I want to fully support him in what he believes is best.
He appreciated and felt my sentiment. And he says that he’s happy that I’m coming to see that we have many houses in our future. This is just of the many amazing places we’ll live in.
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What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, tea- a random herbal blend, bee pollen san pellegrino, wild gift tea at highwire coffee, royal jelly
Saturday, August 17, 2019
Day 3 of Water, Tea, Bee fast
Dear U,
I feel really good. Mindful, clear, and focused.
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I meditated for an hour. When I followed my breath and lengthened it, I sunk into another level that was bright and blissful.
I had insights come to me about the dominatrix path.
What I need to create next to build it..
I have all the resources to do it..
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Then I wrote out my morning pages, which led to more ideas for the Dominatrix page..
I masturbated on the biomat.
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This house feels so nice when it’s spotless..I’m in OCD mode..I think about what I want to tidy and organize next, almost every other thought.
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Dad called, as he gave me the update on Trump’s new policy, non-workers getting deported, I do the dishes, superglue a piece of a wooden coaster that broke and watered my air plants.
Are you listening? he asks, It sounds like you’re doing things.
Yeah, I am.
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I left P an animoji thanking hm for wiring 1500 to help me take care of the cleaners yesterday..
He’s been helicoptering and seaboating around the islands near Seattle, Orcas and something else. Seattle is groeing on him..
And I call P2 as he read my journal and heard about the revised plans with Cutie. He negotiated having time with her today from noon to 5 and again tomorrow from noon to 5. i said I think I can be okay with that. He said he really had his heart set on seeing her and he totally understands I’m being very generous.
He mentions a Kiriostami film playing today and tomorrow and Honeyland is playing at the Elmwood. I’m definitely in the movie mood.
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I’m just noticing the little ornamental details that the maids did yesterday. They wrapped a piece of my see through purple ribbon (that was laying around) at the base of my blue candle holder sitting next to Guanyin. It looks really nice.
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Now I’m finally settling down to writing for the next few hours…I got my hour glass, Cutie, my special tea, my tinctured water, I think I’m ready…
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