Themes: End of fast, Beginning of something; clean & clear, I feel superhuman, less sleep more orgasms and poetry, words, ideas flowing, potent prayers, O as in Oh! (orgasms as explanations), Mirror Room, gridding the house, Amethysts everywhere, L& A..sisterwives!, Iboga revisited, so in my body changing shape, so much energy, I want more bar yoga everything, connecting with old and all friends, connecting the dots, seeing the bigger picture, the Burn is near, giving to L, Simon and Garfunkel, the threes notebooks, dug deep and found my hidden records, speak from your vagina L said, the opossum dead, focus on what you want, the future of this house?, give give give, good qualities in a lover, getting organized, OCD style, listening to music, my old songs again and again, A’s growing playlist, replace exercise with play, all I want to do is play





Sunday, August 18, 2019 10:55am
Dear U,
I broke my fast at the 82nd hour.
I feel like myself again.
I also updated my fasting journal.
I masturbated and did nothing until 2:48pm
I had to swoop up A4 from Bart at 3, eep!
I gathered some things I wanted to take to the storage locker and headed towards North Berkeley bart.
Sorry I’m 30 min late!
Oh that’s the usual __ time I know, A4 says smiling as he got int he car.
We haven’t seen each other in almost a year. He checked out pervette last night and loved it, he says my writing is getting sharp, he read the pages on “when you were born”
I told him I was actually quite embarrassed about that writing..
He helped me open the door to the storage unit (which is always kinda dusty and what I like to avoid getting near) and loaded a couple of things in there.
He says he loves running errands with me, like old times.
Remember when I moved your giant mattress from your dungeon  and almost fainted from dragging it to the dumpster?
Oh yeah..
I drove as we caught up. I saw a sign for an open farm stand at the Berkeley gill community farm. I swung back around and we checked it out. It’s a tiny stand with herbs and potted plants and some veggies, all for our picking and by donation.
The older volunteer there was very excited to chat and show us around and tell us about the medicinal herbs there. I picked a few herbs here and there and got two medicinal herb plants to put in my garden..
Then we went to Urban Remedy to pick up some juice and no oatmeal cookies. We went ack to the house and I made us some tea with the herbs we just got. It was blue tea..
We went over pervette…
Then P2 arrived to do his chores..A4 and P2 haven’t seen each other since they crossed paths at the dungeon years ago, they exchanged pleasantries..
I do love it when my subs connect..
What do you think of Pervette?, A4 asked, because I just love it
I think it’s a work of art, P2 said.
Yes it is nice to hear them say that, even though I think it’s nothing yet..
I gave P2 some instructions on how to wash my lingerie, and told him I’ll be back to catch our film.
I srop A4 off at Bart, swing back to the house to swoop up P2 and Cutie adn we head tot he PFA to catch Kiariostami’s Close-Up.
Which is a pretty incredible film, doc, I don’t even know what to call it.. It’s so layered and perfect inspo for pervette..
It was such a nice calm night when we got out of the movies…
Monday, August 19, 2019 8:56am
Dear U,
I woke up at 6:20am today and meditated. I can feel the shakti spirit inside me again. I’m getting these visceral sensations, the tingling ness.
I’ve been saying a prayer at the end of my meditation, which feel extra potent. After my prayer today, I felt something wrap around my chest and there were two pressure points right between underarm and chest, as if someone was pressing on it.
I wonder if all this fasting and not eating meat is bringing this shakti spirit back..
I get wet during me meditations and then I write out my morning pages and masturbate.
Even though I felt the meditation deeply, I had thoughts and ideas streaming during my sit.
Lots of thoughts about Pervette and what to do next..
I feel amazing by the way. This fast was a great idea. I’m glad I ate that wormy plum that catalyzed everything..
I think I’ll trim my nails, prepare my libations, and write back to M as part of my hour of writing..
I have a deep cleanse facial at 2:45, I might do the restorative pilates at 5pm if there’s still space.
And I want to pickup more collagen today.
I’m curious if I can go keto and be vegetarian at the same time?
I wrote my letter.. it’s still a draft..
I feel like I want to edit the first letter and write more..
I love the art of letter writing. I think I forgot how to write in that way since I don’t reply to my subs’ emails anymore.
I have to catch you up on yesterday since i last wrote, it was a very eventful rest of the day.
I just found that that L is coming out of her 10 day silent meditation retreat and is heading back to Oakland (from NY) and will be here around 6 tonight.
Since I have my facial at 2:45-4 and possibly pilates 5-6, I should probably tidy us the house now..
I just broke my intermittent fast at noon with some bee pollen, royal jelly, pistachios, walnuts and bone broth..
I think I’ll eat from noon to 8 today, and try to keep it keto-ish, which means low on carbs and high on good fats and protein..
Ever since I picked up that keto pamphlet at Berkeley Bowl and read through it, I feel curious to try it out..
Got my “deep cleanse” facial done. It was nice, but the esthetician didn’t think my skin needed the “deep cleanse” she went  (too) light on the extractions.
I got some fancy sunblock, facewash and skin lightening serum to lighten my myesma (?)
Everything was nearby, the skin care salon, my pilates studio and this record store I’ve never been to. As I was waiting for the pilates instructor to be free to ask her if there was an opening for the class coming up in 15 min, I killed time at Strictly Vinyl. I got a Simon & Garfunkel record.
Class was full.
Tidied up house. L arrived, back form her 10 day silent meditation retreat in Baltimore. She didn’t sleep at all since it was sweltering hot with no AC. She was deliriously chatty as I made us a giant salad. She was happy to eat something healthy and organic since what they were serving at the retreat was tons of pasta, bread, cookies and they use “McCormick” spices, which she says is terrible for you..
She’s taking off for LA Wednesday..
Hmm.. what about our threesome? I ask, shall we aim for tomorrow?
I text A to see if he’s available.
Let’s play it by ear he says
Which is what L says too.
Maybe she can sense I’m pushing this agenda..
he’s the only guy whose cock I want inside me, I just want to share that with you, I says..
Tuesday, August 20, 2019 9:46am
Dear U,
I woke up around 5:30am this morning. I remembered my strange dreams and I decided to go in the zen den and meditated for an hour. I crept quietly no to wake L.
In my meditation, I saw myself setting up the zen den (which I also call the pink room or chill room or pink chill room from time to time) as a the pink pervette purple-lit room where I film my intimate videos talking directly to the viewer.
The vision of me in a mirrored purple lit room came to J, a healer that A2 swears by. When she did work on me, she saw me in a purple lit room, where anything negative would bounce off and away from the mirrors that I was surrounded by.
It’ interesting the metamorphosis of the chill room. It was our gym initially. I had mirror folks come to fill one side of the room with floor to ceiling mirror.
I remember when She lived here, She said that she saw the mirror room being a very special room, even though at the time, it was an abandoned gym because I was pretty lazy about working out.
I think I’ll call the pink/chill/zen den the Mirror Room for now..
Anyways, in my meditation I saw myself setting up the MIrror Room for Pervette.
Strange how as I was cleaning the toad room yesterday, I came across the Audio Technica record player P had got (at my request) for the Mirror Room, it was still in the box, we never opened it..
And then yesterday, while waiting for the 4pm pilates class to be over, so I can ask the instructor if there was still space for the 5pm class, I decided to kill time across the street, at Strictly Vinyl, where I had parked right next to. I’ve never been in. It was a tiny store with vinyl and cassette tapes. They seem a little over priced for used vinyl compared to Amoeba or Rasputin. I stopped buying vinyl about a decade ago. But I remember how I had the thought yesterday when I was driving down the hill..
Simon & Garfunkel. I remember how I was staying at the airbnb in Hudson for the breakup bootcamp with the other facilitators. And on one of the days, I was htere with E, the psychologist, she had put on a Simon and Garfunkel record and I remember the sound coming from the not so fancy record player sounding really good. It was a recording of Simon & Garfunkel in concert. I fell in love with Simon and Garfunkel again that day. And at a later retreat, E told the group how she had some healing moment at a Paul Simon concert she had went to the week before as it reminded her of her mom that past away? Or something like that. The point was Simon and Garfunkel meant a lot to her. And so it seem synchronicitous to me that the airbnb just so happens to have a record player and a just a handful of records to choose from and there was Simon and Garfunkel, a band that had some meaning and significance to E. And it was also that day that we had gotten lunch and got to know each other.
All of this is a backstory to me at the somewhat dark and small (sub 200 sq ft) but still charming Strictly Vinyl, killing 5 minutes, not wanting to buy anything to clutter the house, but a part of me wanted to support a small record store, because it’s a small record store off on a little street that barely anyone drives by.
So I thought if they have a Simon and Garfunkel record, I’ll buy it. And I was already there in the ‘S’ Rock and Roll section, and there it was the black and white cover Simon and Garfunkel record I had in my mind.
I flipped to the back, it has America, Mrs. Robinson, the classics..
It looks so familiar, i wonder if I already own this? I might have.
It was only 7.99, so I decided to get it.
I feel like this record will motivate me to bust out the record player and set it up in the Mirror Room as I had intended when I asked P if we can get a record player for the chill room for the bday party. He thought it was just more clutter but he acquiesced when I asked again..
After my meditation was over around 6:30, I laid on the slantboard in the Mirror Room to continue my meditation laying down, at some point I fell asleep, then woke up and went back into bed and did my sex magick ritual..
I’ve been getting wet in my meditations, which feels like a prompt to do a sex magick ritual after my meditation..
I call it sex magick ritual because my mind isn’t in a lusty state at all (as it was 2 weeks ago) when I masturbate. It really is focusing on 2 things: the pleasure of my vagina, this creation chamber, and a vision of the future that I want to create. My mind would go through images/visions, and it feels as though my vag is deciding what vision it wants to come to.
As of late, it’s very picky, it seems to not come again to a vision of yesterdays, or the day before, it has to be a new vision..
Today, I had the vision of me:
Setting up the Mirror Room for Pervette
Organizing all my pervette fodder in my external hard drives
Me, L and A together in a threesome of sorts
Me and P toerther, him being impressed as hell by what I pulled off..
Yep, I came 4 times..
I thought I was gonna do my hour of writing..
But something (maybe Cutie) told me to go to my box of large Amethyst stones I got. (I got a box of them at wholesale through this stone distributor in Canada that A2 hooked me up with)
I pulled out 6 amethysts and saged them and brought them downstairs to arrange around my Guanyin statue in the Mirror Room.
I think I need more, I kept on pulling 3 or 4 amethysts out at a time and saged them.. I started “gridding” the house.
I ended up saging about 17 amethysts and palcing them throughout the house…
I went to bar class, it was so pleasurable and easy.. I feel like I can do three of those classes back to back.
I feel so flexible..
L almost choked on her oatmeal when I told her my vision of us, me, her and L, beyond the threesome..
How maybe they might hit it off, have a baby together and then I might have a baby with A, and y’know, we can be sisterwives..
A guy friend of L shows up, he’s taking her to go bike shopping. he’s floored by the house, he sees a cane and asks me to use it on him. I cane him, not so hard, he liked it.
He was very excited to see the silk and hoop in the house..
Instead of buying a new bike, I lent L my nice electric bike P got me for Burning Man. It just needs a new tire, so they take it down to the bike shop..
Btw everyone is pinging asking if I’m going to the Burn this year..I’mhappy to say I’m not..
A2 Facetimed me..
We caught up..
Thank goodness
she was dating a CEO of a very known website co.
whom she blocked on her phone bc I told her he kissed me at my bday party
And then I suggested months later she should unblock him
and now they’re back in touch
and he is hooking her up
with a team who is
building out the Powerplay Domme Bootcamp website
She’s saving thousands of dollars, she says. The asian in her love loves getting things for free.
She caught me me up on her new love..
There was a hiccup yesterday
She said she remembered my advice to the ladies at the bootcamp
To only communicate when you’re on a high vibration
It helped, a lot, she said..
I caught her up on my lovelife
How my drive is back
How for a minute I thought I was supposed to be with A
And then a psychic set me straight
And my threesome idea with L and A
Cant remember how she said it,
Oh you and your setting up your friends with your lover
Then you can have a baby with him!
And then I can have a with him
And then we can be sisterwives!
Oh shit she’s right, there is some pattern here
But hey I’m poly
and a former mormon
of course I’d be into these kinds of things
L came home as I was still on facetime with A2, we all chatted…
Then hung up
Then L left,
I had the energy to catch up on my delayed replies to people, texts from weeks ago..
My goodness, for waking up at 5:30…
I have a funk ton of energy right now..
I feel like I can do two yoga classes back to back. .
I tihnk I’m going to use this giant bundle of energy to organize my books and the rest of the house..
Oh guess what?
I just set up the record player and put on the Simon And Garfunkel record..
It’s so good..
The Mirror Room is coming together…
Today is an incredible day.
I haven’t given you all the details..
but the gist is
Everything is falling into place.
And I feel amazing..
I think I’m superhuman, mupps, I tell P
He laughs, yeah you’re superhuman.
Oh, I can’t wait to show him..

Wednesday, Aug 21, 2019 10:44am


Dear  U,

I don’t know what’s going on. I woke up at 5:30am yesterday and then I went to bed at 3am (even though I felt like I could’ve stayed up even longer). I have so much energy, yet I’m running on little sleep. But I am sex magick ritualing (masturbating and visioning) like crazy.

I keep on saying since the fast this feels like iboga. And I think it is…

When I was on iboga, I connected with my soul and I swore poetry came out of me, effortlessly. Something to that effect is happening. Little sleep, dissolving my ego, my pen is moving so fast, it just wants to come out,

I feel like I’m running on orgasms..

It’s kinda crazy.

I feel crazy, in the best way.

Like I’m tripping and journeying an evolving and every moment is another drink I’m getting drunk on

I’m not sure how long this will last but I’m enjoying it, immenssely

It’s like ecstasy non-stop.


Ever since I replaced the word exercise with play, all I want to do is play.

My body craves it

I feel like my body is remembering its old self, the child self who just wanted recess all day..

I think this is my opportunity to really get into aerial


I joke to P that I feel like I’m superhuman

But just saying it can make it happen

Or just fasting


High speed is what Z the psychic said I would move like

I think the fast is making me move at high speed

is that why they call it a fast?


It’s the trickiest thing

but the most fun challenge

to go slow when I meditate

while everything in me is racing


I don’t know what’s going on

Like the week leading up to and during the Domme Bootcamp

I feel like some spirit is taking over

And I’m just giving myself to it


I do think I should rest tonight

I don’t want to burn out


My god there’s so much to tell you

but I don’t have the time to,

Every moment, every choice I make

I see how everything is connected

it’s impossible at this point to list

all the synchrocnicities

there’s 11 an hour


So much is happening

outside and inside of me

I trying to record some of it,

most is in my actual journal


singularity? is this what that is?


Friday, August 23, 2019 9:58am


Dear U,

It’s another beautiful day. It’s still cool now, but I can feel it warming up.


As you know, when you don’t hear from, you can assume A LOT is happening.

Esp in my interior world.

And the not writing feels like a conservation of my energy

Because something is happening, inside me. And by happening, I mean changing, rapidly. I feel like I’m unlocking something.


And it also feels like I need to keep this to myself (I say that right now), like it’s a secret between me and the universe.


I also feel compelled to move this journal into a deeper rabbithole, somewhere hard to find. Or behind walls, that you have to work for to access.

This is becoming..


I do want to go back and fill in the gaps of this week. But I have this tendency when I get into journaling to do deep in the details and then I lose steam really quickly.

I think I need to practice writing my journal in haiku

or some version of that


Wake, meditate, masturbate

Everyday brings anew




Everything I’m going to realize.


I’ll say this, everything up to this point was preparatory. I needed every moment, every direct experience, every space, every rest, every breath, to get me here.


I learned how to slow down

So that I can learn how to move

(in my psychic’s words)

High Speed


What I put inside me every morning and it shoots me into another stratosphere: ACV, Quintessential minerals, Royal Jelly, lime water, Stamet 7, Rising Spring mineral water with a combo of tinctures that changes daily but often it’s: horsetail, DragonHerbs 22 Reishi & Diamond Mind, Starroot Medicine Adaptogenic Elixir, Garden of Life collegen, this crazy green drink with Orac Greens, Total Nutrition, spirulina, chlorella, and kratom (from Bali) and bee pollen






Back to my previous week