Sunday, August 25, 2019 7:42pm

 

Dear U,

 

It’s been so long since I’ve written to you, I almost feel like I fell out of the groove.

These days have been kinda non-stop.

I wonder if I can go back and fill in the gaps with the least amount of words possible, just so you can get an idea of what I’m up to, but at the same time I don’t feel overburdened to tell you everything that’s going on, in my world and in my head..

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I’ve been in such a meditative state and staying so present, it feels like a lot of work to go back.

All I want to do is stay very present, and let time slow down..

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When I think back or forward time speeds up again..

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P is home. He said he missed me and was so looking forward to seeing me.

I, on the hand, can be happy spending some time alone after the string of social days..

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Funny how we’ve been living such separate lives, I almost forget that I’m in a relationship with P. I love that we be together in this separate way..

 

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I’m not in the mood to write right now. I just want to either meditate or organize all my 1400+ books..

 

 

Monday, August 26, 2019 11:22am

 

Dear U,

It’s another beautiful day. I’m sitting outside writing to you. While P is inside, doing work in the library.

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When P got home yesterday (a minute after P2 dropped Cutie off), he was in the most muppety mood, which got me all muppety, and it’s continued until now.

We’re at our best when our child selves come out to play..

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I meditated with the guru remotely today.

I’m still feeling it.

Like I’m going through some deep transformational work on the inside, and outside.

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There’s a lot going on..

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Something really clicked during my meditation today.

The opposum that passed by me and L last week, the medicine card I read,

“Play dead”

..supreme strategy of protection is diversion

..be apathetic or unafraid

..strategy is one of mental and physical prowess

..expect the unexpected

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And then there was A teaching me how to play chess Saturday night..

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I think I get it now…

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I think I’m going to be a “Seattle resident”

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Sorry if you’re not getting my strategy.

It’s all a crazy idea, that relies on strategy and miracles,

And it also feels like a little secret I want to keep close to me.

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A2 says in order to manifest, you have to keep it a secret between you and the universe..

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Anyways, I feel like some shift is definitely happening..

I feel it, intensely at times..

 

“Prepare for Velocity” is the card I drew..

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Tuesday, August 27, 2019 9:56pm

 

Dear U,

It’s been another magical day…

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P and I wake up together, in our muppety way

Perfect weather, I meditate, pray, do my hair care ritual, and shower as P goes out for breakfast

He returns, we chat as he hops in the hot tub to soften his still sore shoulder.

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He has a ton of energy and is getting A LOT done now that he’s not high all the time.

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As I’m about to give him a shoulder massage, he tells me that he’s been thinking about us and our sex (less) situation more these days, and he just wants me to know that and that he loves me a lot a lot..

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As I massage him in the morning lit orgy room, I tell him I really appreciate that and that I’m pretty happy with however things are.

He really appreciated my fluidity and says he loves having a partner who meditates. It’s so wonderful.

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It’s true, meditation has been a huge game changer to how I relate to P.

Way less judgmental, defensive and more compassionate, open, and curious.

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Something came over me in the morning, I felt extremely at ease, blissful, meditative, and so my massage and time with P felt even more thoughtful.

P can sense all this.. and he’s been effusive with his appreciation and love..

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We head out to Shinmai. A repeat of two weeks ago. The restaurant is definitely not on diet.

I ask if the salmon is farmed or caught locally. The server/owner? tries to explain that it’s thoughtfully farmed and high quality..

Uh huh..

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The non pastured chicken on my vegetables are deep fried as it turns out.

And the dressing in the salad is questionable, most likely made with canola oil..

I can’t eat there anymore..

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P goes to his meeting. I head to Awaken Cafe. On the way, I stop by FeelMore, the pretty decent sex shop that’s been around for a decade in downtown oakland..

They have old 1970’s issues of Playboy and penthouse. I flip through them. Wow. Really good articles.. Nabakov, Dali.. and great imagery..This feels like good inspo material for Pervette..

I pick out 5 copies and ask the woman (whom I believe is the owner) if there’s a discount if I buy a couple. They’re 10 each. I have 5. She gives it to me for 40.

I tell her I’m happy to see that this store is still around, we introduce ourselves to each other and I continue to Awaken.

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By the time I get to Awaken, order a kombucha, pee and sit down to flip through one of the 3 books I carried with me. P is done with his meeting and arrives at Awaken.

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I have a call with Z at 2pm. He lends me his airpods and goes to the car to get some cord. I ask him to carry my playboys to the car (they’re really thick)

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I hop on my zoom call with Z.

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Did I tell you? I got a life/business coach last week?

With Z. I’ve worked with them before. They’re a kink/dance/educator/life/business coach. And self-identified gender transcendent non-binary..

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The story of how we met is very interesting..I’ll save it for later…let’s just say it was fated..

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I’ve worked with them before in a program/retreat 2 years ago on Pervette. It was a very great experience and I respect their work and power.

And I can tell that our reconnection was a divine blessing from the universe..

 

We ground as she leads a guided meditation and she “sets the arena.”

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Funny how I came into the call with one thing on my mind, the final goal..What I want in 6 months time (which is exactly the length of our coaching period)..and that’s exactly what she wanted to work on in our first meeting..

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They helped me refine and clarify my goal into something that feels tractable

 

In 6 months

I will launch Pervette and generate $1111 and sign on 33 patrons..

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P and I drive to JetsuiteX, I kiss him goodbye.

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I head straight to Bar and made it just in time.

Class felt amazing.

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Then went strait to the 5:30 Tea hour at Cafe Ohlone..

There’s more to write about this special place..

And the chance encounter..

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Take away message from that experience..

Education can exist anywhere..

Encourage people to ask questions to fill in the gaps of knowledge..

“The story behind it” is everything

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Waling out of University Press Books at sunset..

Streets filled with kids

back to school

perfect weather evening..

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my body has been nourished with food and tea made with love.

I can’ feel the difference.

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And I get to go home, to my sanctuary up the hill,

and spend time alone..

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Every moment of my life feels so incredible

I can’t believe this is my life

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home

made sauteed kale and beef

ate a ton of sauerkraut

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paid a token for my expanded audio horoscope with rob brezsny

it’s all about embracing paradoxes, the fascinatingly and healingly weird, he says..

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I’m excited about everything..esp organizing all of my books, art supplies, and files…

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everything feels so perfect

Wednesday, August 28, 2019 10:27am

 

Dear U,

It’s a gray day. But not that cold, still tank top weather. At least for me. I’m still pretty warmed up from my very extended sex magick ritual morning.

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Note to self: Even if I think I’m overdoing it with coming countless multiple times and I should be “working,” I should just do it, come again and again, till I’m fully satiated, because my pussy is my powerhouse. I feel charged..

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I stayed up late last night. I recognize the urge I oftentimes get, at least more lately now, it’s this desire to look for signs and clues. Maybe that’s why I’m hungry for horoscopes. But then last night, prompted by my Saturday night with M and her oracle cards. I pulled out my sets of cards. The one that called to me was the Wild Wood Tarot..

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I drew the

Knight of Stones-Horse

Nine of Arrows-Dedication

The Wheel

 

And this morning I drew

The Seer

 

And just 10 minutes ago, when I was walking from my bedroom through the backyard to the kitchen, something white and round on the wooden deck caught my eye. I thought it was a piece of litter that randomly flew in. But when I got close it was the top of an eggshell. A bird was hatched this morning..

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Okay, I’m ready to do all the exercises assigned to me yesterday. I said I would have it done by Saturday night. But I can do it now..

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I want to list and map out the subgoals…

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As I track my learning, and go into my Life intentions exercise, P sends me a pic and video of him in Seattle, in the cockpit of an airplane, it’s his first flying lesson in Seattle today…

 

We’re learning how to take off at the same time…

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Thursday, August, 29, 2019 2:30pm

 

Dear U,

Again, a lot is happening…

It was a grey day, but now it’s sunny, and I’m outside writing to you.

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I feel a wave coming over me, I prolly should be meditating..

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Last night, I thought about money. How I’m ready to not live on credit anymore.

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This morning I animojied A2, asking her if she can send me a check, an advance pay for my breakup bootcamp work coming up.

She replied saying for sure and let’s think of ways for me to make money when I’m in NY in October.

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When I got done meditating for the hour. 1/2 hour sitting up, 1/2 hour laying down (which sends me into yoga nidra), A2 had messaged me with her idea…

We’re gonna do an evening event, a workshop, that’s a mini version of powerplay for both men and women. She’ll get a sex educator from Babeland as well..and..

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Whoa. I was right about meditating..

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I did and it was palpable..

My 3rd meditation today.

I can feel the guru thinking of me..

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I woke up this morning thinking

I need to put in the hours

1-3 a day on pervette

insights come to me almost daily when I wake from my dream

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I thought about how to make money last night

And today money is showing up in new ways of making them

as a shamanatrix, humanatrix, educatrix, disciplinatrix and dominatrix..

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I thought I smelled my jasmine incense in the air, it compelled me to light one and say a prayer. My 2nd prayer.

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The more I meditate, the more I pray, the more I feel and see the way..

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I had the most efficient meeting with S today. My meetings with her lately are shorter, more precise in what deliverables I need from her.

She worked on the mobile version of page 2 and 3, it looks good.

I show her some new storytelling tools I happened upon and want to use in pervette, she’s gonna research and work on it.

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A2 and I facetimed. She has the whole “event” we’re putting on fleshed out she says.

She does, I add to it, the fun sexy parts, the lab in the end, we have toys scattered about and people can use them and practice on each other as they practice asking and giving consent..

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Susan Miller says today:

Financial news may delight you today…

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Interesting how before my meditation just now, words couldn’t flow, but now it can..

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Went to bar method at 4:15, then walked over to the farmer’s market, got a ton of veggies, and figs and plums, and salmon and rockfish..

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P came home (from Seattle) as I got done putting away the produce. We hopped in the hot tub, he talked about his trip. How fun flying the plane was, how he took the new sugarbaby on the helicopter to check out some property.

Classic P move, popping girl’s helicopter cherry.

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His shoulder was still sore, so I had him relax on the biomat as I cooked dinner. Veggie stirfry and baked rockfish, which he enjoyed. I had cleaned as I cooked so there wasn’t much for him to help clean up.

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As he watched his football show on the sofa in the moon room, I was on the biomat with my noise cancelling headphones on, putting together a playlist called “night with molly”

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Something P said over dinner stuck with me..

I was telling him how everyday, I want to get an hour of meditation, play, cooking in and 3 hours of working on pervette.

He says that sounds like a nice life, but doesn’t sound like the hours of someone who’s building an empire..

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Themes: Efficiency, new ways of making money, healing the divide in couples, more meditation more prayers, drawing oracles from the wildwood tarot, the seer,

 

Friday, August 30, 2019 2:51pm

 

Dear U,

P and I woke up together. He wanted us to go down to Blue Bottle together, and so we did. I got spearmint sage tea, he got his latte and a croissant (for me he says).

When we came back, I made a green smoothie and plantain pancakes for P as he packed for Mendocino.

He ate, called an uber, gathered his stuff for glamping and was off.

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Last night, I asked if it was cool if I didn’t drive him to Mill Valley for him to pick up his RV, since apparently I need to put in more hours on pervette..

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I meditated for an hour, the last half laying down on the slantboard going deep into yoga nidra.

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Moving mindfully and slowly, in that trance state again..

Then I got on the biomat, wrote out my morning pages, asking for direction on how to flesh out my subgoals.. it told me to get everything organized, organize my books, my art materials, my files and pervette pages..then go on to pervette from page one and build from there…

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I read 101 Things to Learn in Art School, took notes and masturbated..came and went into writing the Creatrix page..

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Who says I can’t live a balanced and overworked life building out my dream?

I’ll be the exception..creating from balance, bliss and ecstasy..

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I wrote..

Then G the Fountain of Truth water delivery guy came with my first batch of live spring water. I set up new water dispenser in the corner where my electric tea kettle was. It fits perfectly there, allowing my to open the cabinets above it. I moved our cake miser to the pantry since we never use it, it’s just decorative at this point.

I drank my first glass of live spring water and tasted the difference.

I’m excited about upgrading my water..

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I made a yummy hearty salad and ate it outside.

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I cancelled my bar express class at 5:30 today. I think I want to organize all my books and that cabinet above the circular sink in between the moon room and breakfast nook. It used to be our wine cabinet, then I made it the cabinet for my pens and random paper. Now it’s just the cabinet I shove things in when I’m tidying up my mupp messes. I think I want to organize that cabinet so it can be an intentional pervette workstation..

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I’m resisting the notion that I have to work “harder” to get shit done.

I have to work more efficiently, with ease, focus, grace and clarity.

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I’m excited about putting in more hours, I know it’ll happen organically..

I’m preparing myself to be in flow…

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Saturday, August 31, 2019 4:56pm

 

Dear U,

It’s a ritual now, when the weather is perfect, as it has been, I take my laptop outside and write to you.

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I think I got my morning ritual down. Meditate, yoga nidra, masturbate, morning pages..

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Something magical kinda happened. Yesterday I allowed my body to go slow even though my mind wanted to rev up and flesh out the subgoals. And this morning, the subgoals flowed from my pen to my journal, effortlessly..

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I wrote out everything i needed to do in September for Pervette..

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Even though my body wasn’t particularly in an active mood, I decided to go to the 10:45 kundalini yoga class. I’ve never been done kundalini yoga. It’s been on my radar more recently. And I’ve been meaning to check out this one yoga teacher’s class, because I heard from my reiki teacher she’s pretty awesome.

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So I went. And wow.

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I sweated, like I haven’t really in Bar or vinyasa yoga this week. The practice involves breathwork, that heats your body up as you work through some poses. And then there’s the mantras, and mudras…

The theme of the class today was about tapping into your divine power or something..some of the postures were challenging, near the end, when we holding the earth in our arms or something I fell into a trance. My arms were sore but I was pretty determined to not let them down..

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And when we sang the mantra in the end, and I saw myself pushing myself, working on pervette, with joy and excitement, tears flowed.

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Everything new thing I’m doing is breaking me out of my old structure..

 

Cleaning the magical cabinet last night created room for clarity in my monthly goals..

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On the way home, right before I was gonna go up the hill, I circled back to a SHell gas station and got 3 lotto tickets. Susan Miller said I ought to enter some raffle or buy a lottery ticket today, and so I did.

I asked the gas station clerk if he was Vietnamese. He said yes in Vietnamese. It’s nice to chat in my native tongue to strangers..

He wished me luck tonight as he handed me my tickets..

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I came home, showered, sat at the round table with my project planner.

I started writing down all of September’s Pervette to do list.. it’s flowing..

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P2 arrives with the dungeon finances of the past several months, a picture of Cutie and quote and a grocery bag of books, he says I can pick through and keep whatever I want and the rest he’ll donate to the Friends of the library store:

Henry Miller, WInnicott, Karl Oves Knasgaard, some books on birds, ferns, herbs, relationships..

I sift through and pick out a few that I think I might read…

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I make us plantain pancakes, 2 for me, 1 for P2.

P2 does the usual chores, sweep and take out trash.

I continue snacking, as the pancakes gave me a sugar spike and now I can’t stop..

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P 2 does a photoshoot of Cutie around the house, as I widdle down my book selection from his stash, reading here and there as I go..

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P2 takes Cutie to the secret spot, I masturbate, came and now here I am writing to you.

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I’m in a very blissful state.

I’m using my project planner as an actual planner now moving forward (it was more a log of what I did and ate in the months past). Now I’m going to use the monthly calendar to map out the days I can work on which parts of Pervette (instead of logging what I put inside me) and the weekly calendar will have the things I need to do on each day listed at the approximate time I think I’ll be accomplishing it.

I’m looking forward instead of backwards..

And writing out these tasks, I begin to feel it in my body, the sense of urgency, the timeline is getting internalized. I recognize I have a lot to do between now and the next new moon, which is when I show the underwriter at the credit card processing co. pervette and hopefully they can see how this site can generate revenue and approve my application..

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My goal by the end of tonight is to organize ALL my books into categories that inspire me to pervette (efficiently). Let’s see how well I do..

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Back to my previous week