Themes: Can I put some perishables in your fridge?, bee pollen, rose and cardamom chocolate, jealous sisters (A’s fantasy and my dynamic with Her), “I missed you”  (A and A4 said), set goals,


Sunday, August 4, 2019 2:44pm


Dear U,

I woke up early this morning, my telling dream dissolved as I thought about last night. I masturbated, thinking about him, and how amazing it felt, him inside me.

It was an almost insatiable masturbation sesh. 1-2 hours? I almost felt like I needed to fantasize about something, some super intense future encounter, to make myself come. Anal sex? Being tied up? it wasn’t intense enough..

So it went on for a while, which I enjoyed..


At some point, I got on my stomach, thrusted into my rhythm, and came really hard.


I sat on my legs in bed and closed my eyes. What a crazy (amazing) way to sink into a deep meditation..


I wanted to set the timer for an hour, so I got up, slowly, went outside for some sun, and then into the chill room, and meditated there for an hour.


Did I masturbate some more after?  I  think I did.

No wait. I wrote out my morning pages outside first.

I threw out some bottles of vitamins. I

Then I made a small hot chocolate protein drink right before my bar class..


Bar Method at 11.

I feel like A is indirectly motivating me to work out. I want him to see how my body is  changing, getting stronger and more toned every time he sees me.



I really love Bar, I realize. It’s so rewarding, the crazy intensity of it matches the high I feel afterwards. And even though the music is pretty clubby and fast-paced, I always come out of it super blissed out.


I went to ace hardware and got some potting mix for the fig tree in the dining room and some colored electrical tape, and 5 watt light blumbs for my salt lamp.


When I got home, I thought I was going to write, read or clean the house. But I was in such a meditative state that I spontaneously meditated ont he biomat.

I heard a knock on the door.

My Carl Jung book arrived. Synchronicity.


I read, and then I laid down and drifted into a light nap, listening to the sounds from outside..

Everything was slowing down..


Funny how I thought I was going to get the house super OCD clean today, but all I want to do is go slow..



I closed a ton of open tabs and documents since my computer was acting really slow.


I turned the hour glass and wrote for an hour about last night with A.

It was amazing, that’s all I’ll say here.

Ad writing about our time transports me back.

I wish I did this sooner, write about our nights the  day after.

I’m glad I’m starting it now.


For some reason, I feel like it’s too juicy, the details to share with you right here. I think I need to create another rabbithole and make you go deeper and work harder to get to it..



Susan Miller is working on the Aquarius horoscope right now, according to her tweet. Se says she’s going blind in one eye. The more she makes us wait, the more I obsessively check her app and website to see if the August horoscope is up.


Her daily tweet fro Aquarius today:

This  week will invite you to be flirty and vivacious. If you’re single and looking, you might develop feelings for someone you know.


I’m seeing D tonight. He’s been wanting to connect since his divorce this past February.

And this Tues, I’m gonna have tea with N, a fellow classmate in my Buddhist class this past semester.



A and I shared our location, Indefinitely, last night.

So now we can stalk each other..



After Bar, I’m floating. I nap.

P2 comes over and does his chores


P2 says Cutie takes him more into reality…



P2 pointed out a coincidence, as my passion with A is rekindled, P is talking about selling the house again. There’s some correlation..

In other not so happy news, lots of shootings, Gilroy, Dayton, El Paso.



I’m writing it here bc I I just remembered what my dad said yesterday..

You learn how to  read and write in school, but you learn about life and its paths from your parents. Because they’re already gone down those paths..


A said he liked the way my breasts look in my black top (that I was wearing last night without a bra). I had ordered 2  (or 3?) more of them from Reformation last week, to make them part of my “uniform.”

I just ordered 3 more.

I was going to reward myself when I pay my credit card down with a pair of Isabel Benenato platform sandals. But  then I just saw it’s 30% off right now, from 600 to 400, not bad, so I snagged it, which I’m glad I did, because I got the lat pair in my size.


I have 30 pairs of the same comfy drop crotch black pants, and a variety of black tank tops to go with it. Now I have my black platform sandals when I want to jazz it up.

I think I got my uniform down.


Strangely, I’m not hungry. I feel like I can masturbate all day..



I wouldn’t call it a date but it felt like fun. I chose the spot. Limewood at the Claremont, we sat by the window overlooking the Bay.

D arrives soon after I did. He looks more punk with his gray denim jacket and hair tied back.

A lot has happened for D since we last saw each other last year.

He got a divorce. He’s considereing quitting his job at Apple to work on self.

Messages came to him, he needs to find his tribe, exress and share himself and he has a longing to be held by a circle of women..


He’s attractive, smart, and deep in his spiritual journey through plant medicine.

He rides a motorcycle (like G and A, my lovers, I think I must have a thing for guys with motorcycles)

And I know he’s drawn towards me.

And yet I just have platonic feelings.

He’s a lone wolf, still bounded by some past.


I think  it takes a lot for me to be viscerally attracted to someone to a point where I can see myself making love with them. The only person who does that for me right now is A.


But I see potential for it to develop, I just need to train my suitors into becoming “the man of my dreams”


Last time D brought up Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey.

This time he’s been going deep into Bill Plotkin’s Soul Craft.

He reads to me his notes, and it feels like he’s reading the story of my life these past 5 years.

I ask him to send me his notes.


Even though I really have no money, I paid for dinner, I just wanted to. Didn’t feel like going dutch. Never do.


He wants to make me dinner for me sometime.


I can see us doing a journey together. I can see my presence being healing for him..


Monday, August 5, 2019


Morning masturbation and meditation = bursts of ideas on how to make a special little space for A in Pervette. I want to express all of my love for him through Pervette. I’m kinda inspired by Pauline Reage.

It’s like how I was when I was in college, making mail and mixed cd’s for guys I had crushes on. Building a page in pervette is no different. It’s my way of saying I like you.. and I’m thinking of you.


L is coming and staying over tonight. So I cleaned, with focus, while jotting down all the pervette ideas related to A coming to me..

I’m on a high from my explosion of ideas and cleaning.

I organize my herb and tea drawers. I put new potting soil in my fig and cinnamon tree pots. I dusted. I love it when I get OCD focused in my cleaning.


I needed all the time I can, so I told L to take her time.

I called mom since I haven’t talked to her in  a while. The 15 budles of angora yarm I got her from Turkey was too furry, she said.


L arrived around 5. She’s kinda a nomad now after her breakup with J.

She seem a little sheepish about bringing all her stuff in from the car.

Are you sure it’s okay for me to bring my stuff in and leave them here until I get back?

Yeah, totally.

So she stored her box of toiletries in the guest room and magic mushrooms in my freezer and synanga and oxytocin in my fridge.

She gave me a sage wreath she made with sage from her hometown (in Wisconsin?) decorated with flowers from Ca.

I placed it in Guanyin’s hand..


She cut me a piece of exytocin and we slipped the lozenge under our tongue.

Cheers! we said as we kissed each other.


She said she feels like I’m her hisband as she’s coming hime and I’m cooking for her. I told her I’m getting slight deja vu as this is not the first time I welcomed a medicine carrier friend into my home.

Over our veggie stirfry (which she loved) I told her the story of my relationship with Her. How I felt like I became the husband in this strange relationship we developed.

L also had teeth pains like Her.

Strange how I met L and Her on the very same day I did the toad for the first time..


L says she’s going crazy after her breakup with J. They’ve been together for 11 years. She can’t stop thinking about him and she only wants to have sex with him, they still have sex and it;s more amazing now that they’re broken up.

I tell her she should stop having sex with him and have a threesome with me and A.


I don’t want to be one of those girls who has a storage unit, L says.

I’m one of those girls who has a storage unit, I said.


We talked about her relationship with J, how everybody is shocked and all shooken up by their breakup, because on the face of it they seem so happy and perfect together.

I told her that she’s on the right path, even though it’s painful as fuck.  I love J and think he’s awesome, but I also saw him holding her back.

From being a dominatrix

From an open relationship..

It was also a very codependeant relationship. I can see how she’s struggling from the withdrawl.


She brought with her all this amazing bee stuff she got from Benjamin Pixie, this incredible bee keeper, whose stuff you can only get from him and his magical traveling caravan.

Bee eleixirs and bee pollen, the bee pollen was to die for. She said she’s going to leave the jar of bee pollen here for me..



J called her and she took the call. It was just about 11:11pm, the time I wanted to text A, so I did when it was 11:11

Ummm…  I texted

He replies 11:11?

I reply:


And I was also thinking..

About how I want your cock

..inside me.


I’ve never texted anything like that before

But that was the idea that came to me this morning, to tell him how I feel

And I want his cock inside me.


He replies with an emoji face with heart eyes

I think we can make that happen..


As I was about to reply, L comes back, she got off her call from J, they were talking about their joint accounts and taxes and stuff like that, I was having a hard time listening because I was thinking about my reply to A..


In haste I reply,

Sooner than later I hope.


As soon as I sent that I immediately felt sick, or disgusted with myself.

Ugh, that was not the right reply. I sound so needy.


I should’ve said,

That would be lovely.


I was getting slightlyannoyed with L, I thought she distracted me from thinking clearly and sending the right repsonse to A. Also her demeanor has changed since she got off the call with J, she regressed into little petulant girl who doesn’t want to deal with taxes and somehow can’t beleive that I don’t have a shady accountant who can help her fudge/change numbers. I told her that my client is also my CPAm he has one testicla and he’s pretty legit. I’m getting tired. She can tell my demeanor has changed, she thinks it’s her but it’s really because I can’t believe I sent such a crazy string of texts to A. I feel very unlike myself.

A hasn’t replied..Is he really gonna leave me hanging? Ugh


An hour after I sent “Sooner than later I hope”

I double dip at 12:37am

“As I can’t seem to shake this desire”

Somehow I decided to own it.

And close it with a more poetic line.

After I hit send, I laid on the biomat and let all the uncomfortable vulnerable feelings run its course throughout my body and then it faded, and I fell alseep.


Wednesday, August 7, 2019 1:11pm

Berkeley, CA


Dear U,

You know when you haven’t heard from me in days, it means:

A lot has happened


I haven’t had time to myself


Today’s the first day I’m all by myself. Yay!


I woke up around 8, recorded my dream, and for a change I brought out the zabuton and zafu to the front deck and meditated outside.

It was a little gray and chilly but I had my shawl and blanket.

I listened to the sounds of the eucalyptus tree rustling in the wind to my left and to my right a little bird chirping.


When I was done, I recorded the thoughts that came to me.

It’s always a not so deep meditation the day after I see A.

My mind rewinds back to the night before and how fucking hot it was, jesus christ.


Uh, it’s official, My sex drive is totally back.


My body is changing. It’s probably a combination of the IUD out, I’m working out, and having sex and masturbating quite a bit (and by a bit, I mean a lot).


I have a theory since I was 18 and started having sex that sex makes your body sexier.

I swear my boobs get bigger and my waist tinier when I have sex.

Wow I actually find my body sexy when I look in the mirror.

No, this hasn’t been the case.

I’ve been in this andro monk/mupp mode for so long, my body was very androgynous looking to me (with the exception of my 32D tits).

Anyways, after meditation, I had a great sex magick ritual. Thinking about what A gave me symbolicaly through his cock. And how it’s fueling me to get pervette moving.


In the same vein as BDSM, I want to treat sex like it’s a symbolic art, make the act potent and meaningful by adding an intention to the act and what it means.


I told him I wanted to swallow his cum (which might be a first for me) because that cum meant something to me.

His cum= his creation potential,

and my goodness, what he’s built in these past 5 years, he knows how to create..


It’s like I want what he has. That drive, that focus, that ability to create an empire.

Every time we make love, he’s injecting this potential in me, we’re making love so I can make my baby grow in the world..


In a weird way, Pervette is a co-creation from my love-making with P and A.

P planted the Pervette seed in me..

He gave me

the idea,

the name (as he tried to call me a pervert with his lisp and voila-pervette!),

the domain, which cost 5K!,

the house for me to cocoon, grow and create in

the time and space to be on sabbatical, I mean I don’t have to work (that hard)bc I’m living rent-free in this mansion



And now A enters in at this perfect time

he fuels me with sexual energy

which translates to creative energy

he motivates in these indirect ways

I want to show him what I can do.

How I can change

How I am inspired by him

How I can create something from just a vision


I’m driven to see the look of awe in his face when he sees what I can do

(this stems back to my first memory of me and my dad, which I will share later)


Anyways. What this all means is that I need to get my shit together.

Time is ticking.

I need to set goals.

And hit them.

I need to bring back that crazy ambitious over achieving valedictorian from half my lifetime ago.


I need all of that to get me going…


I’ve been recording what I’ve been consuming in my physical planner and not here, and so you’re not fully getting a sense of my diet.

It’s been very clean and protein-y.


Yesterday, I had no appetite. I also felt the shakti waves inside me, when I was in and out of meditation. There is definitely a connection between fasting and channeling.



Before or after my sex magick masturbation ritual, I went into my Favroites album on my phone and found the photo I took of a page in A’s journal.

It was entitled, Good Qualities in a Lover, dated 9/7/2008

I read and deciphered his squiggly handwriting and hand wrote out what he wrote on to the back page of my journal.

Everything he wrote. It feels like he’s describing me.


I want to amplify each of those qualities.

Funny how it’s entitled good qualities in a lover and not partner.


I ordered the Taschen Book of Symbols.

Last night I ordered Soul Craft (per my dinner with D).


P texts to tell me I should change my jetstuitex flight to Seattle from tomorrow to Friday, since T is chartering them a flight from LA on Friday morning.

Should I fly down to LA tomorrow, I ask, so I can join the chartered flight.

P says T says no need to since they’re getting a bitch jet.

Oh good to know.

I change my flight with a difference of 400 to pay (on my Amex)


P asks if I can get on the hotels..

I google “best luxury seattle hotels 2019”

Hmm 4 seasons, Edgewater..

All old school





Okay, I’m gonna set some goals, write them down on my project planner, map out the levels of Pervette, and write a letter to M as part of my writing assignment..




Rob Brezsny’s  horoscope for Aquarius:

I have cast a feisty love spell that will be triggered in anyone who reads the first line of this horoscope. And since you have done that, you are now becoming even smarter than you already were about getting the most out of your intimate alliances. You’re primed to experiment with the delights of feeling with your head and thinking with your heart. Soon you’ll be visited by revelations about any unconscious glitches that might be subtly undermining your togetherness, and you’ll get good ideas about how to correct those glitches. Astrological rhythms will be flowing in your relationships’ favor for the next seven weeks!


I bought the expanded audio horoscope too…


 Thursday, 8.8.2019 12:52pm


Dear U,

The sun burned through the fog and I’m here at my green bistro table outside writing to you.

I’m so glad I’m flying out to Seattle tomorrow and not today. Another whole day to myself was exactly what I needed to get moving on Pervette.


I woke up around 7 and started masturbating, it seem like a longish session, nothing in my mind was really charging me to climax, not even thoughts of being with A.

Then I thought of A reading what I wrote for him on Pervette, him smiling, enjoying maybe even getting turned on by what he saw..on my page for him and all the other pages of pervette as well.

And that’s when I came.


I meditated. Day 15 in a row.

During my sit, I saw myself pulling the giant black posterboard out (She gave me when She first moved in) and started using it, lining the different levels of intimacy of Pervette with  hot pink tape, and putting the content for each designated level..


Like yesterday, I’m moving mindfully slowly, it feels as though the insights will come through if I’m slow enough to see and receive it.


Then in my morning pages, insights flowed through my pen..


I’m seeing the levels and where everything goes.


And what this all is. I’m trying to make you fall in love with me. That’s all.


I got out the black posterboard from the guest room closet. I found the hot pink artisit tape I got a few months ago at Blick and never used. I also got out the camera. I’m actually feeling inspired to document the process.

I put on my veil. Turned on the camera and started taping out the levels of Pervette..


I made lunch at noon. I haven’y made a real lunch in a while.


Then  A2 sent me an animoji saying she just had a session with the medium channeler our friend N talked about and she was AMAZING. So I got on it and booked an appt with her at her earliest availability which was Nov 7. Jeez she’s popular. I emailed her to ask to get on her waitlist in case there’s a cancellation.


I’m still going back and forth with DHL daily now as my package of stuff I had sent home from Lisbon is till being held up by customs. I had to write a handwritten letter yesterday explaining everything..that I was traveling with a ton of books and wedding clothes that I didn’t want to carry with me for the rest of my trip. Jesus. Note to self. Travel lighter next time.



I did it.

I mapped out the levels.

Then I did something I rarely do.

I took a nap. On the slantboard. My brain wanted it.

I woke up and went to Bar at 4:15.

I love how each part of my body is getting activated and shakes

I love how it’s getting pushed to its edge.


Afterwards I went to 100% Pure to get 5-free red nail polish

And Urban Remedy snacks

I went into Mrs. Dalloway and got 41 Walking Tours of Berkeley.

I kinda want to go on walks and learn about the architecture of this ccity I’ve been living in.

I’ve been buying books about Berkeley in Berkeley bookstores lately.


When I came home, Cutie was home, she was sitting in the moon room sofa with a photo of her among the pink belladonnas that are already blooming this year.

P2 had dropped her off when I was out. I was still in monk mode so I’m glad we missed each other because I don’t think I have the capacity to talk.


I sat in front of the giant black posterbard with the pink taped out columns and pink post it notes. And I felt a meditative wave take over so I placed the zabuton and zafu and meditated in front of my pervette board..


I don’t have an appetite, this happens when the spirit takes over.


My frugal mind wants to make a stirfry and cook the last of the veggies befroe I take off tomorrow… the kale and bok choy with the thai pork from 3 stone hearth


I feel me breath, and I feel something strong coming over me.

It’s happening again. I felt this before my Domme Boootcamp, when I was channeling..


I should mention that I realize I haven’t written about P lately even though we talk nightly. Everything is great, he’s super excited about Seattle. Even though this leaves my housing situation precarious I’m excited for him and the future ahead.

I know that it’ll work out, as it always does. And it’ll be amazing, as it always is.


I’m reaching out and connecting with my former subs. Something is compelling me to.

My connectivity is super strong, according to Rob Brezsny’s horoscope


I flip open my new Taschen Book of Symbols that just arrived.

The throat..






I decided to listen  to my body and not my mind and not eat dinner bc I’m not really hungry.

I thought about the synanga L left in my fridge and said I should use..

I went for it.  I sat before the Pervette board, and put the dropper in my eyes,

Holy fuck I remember now how it burns like hell.

I let out a guttural sound.

I chanted and meditated

Then the thought came,

Add my family oral history to the board..


Then P factimes,

I pick up, the screen is on his cock

I’m aghast and muppety

P laughs.

He’s really looking forward to seeing me tomorrow.


The last time we saw each other was at the gelato counter at Verona airport.

I was going crazy on the gelato as P was sayin goodbye..


He thinks we should do dinner just the two of us tomorrow.

I’ll book us a nice restaurant I tell P.

I like being the one choosing and booking the hotel and restaurant.

He laughs at my Pervette board, there’s always a map he says,

Remember the triangle light thing? he reminds me

Oh yeah, that was my first concept mapping for Pervette, like 11 iterations ago.


It becomes clear to me what i need to do goal-wise for Pervette.

For August,

Get organized, all my hundreds of created pervette pages, all my files in my external hard drives, and every thing in my house. I need to know where every resource lives.

And also, I need to build out each of the following pages, Dominatrix, Educatrix, Shamantrix, Humanatrix, and Creatrix.

Next week is devoted to organization. And every hour of writing  for each day will be for each page..



My god, I can’t stop masturbating, all day. No wonder I’m not hungry, I’m fully satiated on orgasms.

Friday, August 9, 2019 5:40pm

Four Seasons, Seattle


Dear U,

I’m in Seattle…


Saturday, August 10, 2019 9:47am

Four Seasons, Seattle


Dear U,

I’m sitting downstairs at breakfast with my sparkling lemon lime water, a dandy blend tea, a pot of mint tea and I got an avocado toast coming on gluten free bread.

My appetite is completely different when I’m with P, traveling..


I woke up around 3:20am this morning. Wide awake. At the God hour.

I had the realization as to why my energy was so off as soon as I saw P.


He expected me to be at his level of excitement about this Seattle house. I went along and listened..but it was draining.

Because there was actually no true exchange or engagement. P never really asked how I was doing, what’s going on in my world. It’s all about him.

I felt like a prop, like what he really wanted was a girl who had no life of her own, so hers would neatly wrap itself to his.

I think there was just no awareness of where I’m at.


Funny how P talks about his friend T, with whom they shared a chartered jet to fly up yesterday (which cost 12K btw) being a narcissist. But yet here we all are with our own special brand of narcissism that we can’t really see ourselves..


I wanted to sit up and meditate but I didn’t want to wake P, so I meditated in bed laying down as I was. But after 15 min I felt the urge to be upright. So I got up in the dark and arranged the extra bed pillows and sofa pillows on the floor at the foot of the bed and I put the guru-blessed blanket on top and I sat, with my meditation timer set to 1 hour.

As I pulled on the comforter a little to use as a shawl, P woke up, slightly annoyed and surprised that I’m actually on the ground at the foot of the bed.

He went up to go pee and when he came back realized that it was 4:20am.

Great, now I’m fucking awake at 4:20.

I’m sorry, I said. Then I started my timer..


My sit was actually an hour and a half and it was amazing..


It had an arc to it..

It began with my mind examining the nature of our interaction yesterday. l

And once I saw it from all angles,

I saw the conversation that I can have with P about it,

the tension dissolved.

I can hear P snoring, thank goodness he fell back asleep.

And then I went into the deep meditation bliss zone.

And then my mind started drifting into a sleepy phase.

I saw a little girl picking out a pair of earrings..

I crawled back into bed.

P said

I love you mupps.

I love you too Mupps, I said as I drifted back to sleep.


Ever since the fluke hour and a half meditation yesterday, I realized, an hour and half meditation is actually the way to go…




Back to my previous week