Themes: Perfect Sunday with A, Holy fuck (literally), Back on Instagram, Coffee Meets Bagel, Pervette ramping up, persimmons, pink organza kimono, introducing color back into my wardrobe,

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday 12.15.19 11:49am

 

Dear U,

It’s another beautiful day. I’m staying in this time. Moving around the house where ever the sun shines through.

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I told myself to wake up earlier last night when I went to  bed and today I woke up at 7:31am.

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I  had a dream where I visited A, his left foot was injured, there were two spots, one was from a burn that blistered, he was wrapping his foot with gauze.  He was being very cautious about it. It seem to me that the injury came from overworking that part of himself. And it seem to be healing better when he wasn’t overdressing it with gauze. We didn’t have sex.  And I was fine with that.

And something about Oprah giving me a physical challenge involving a moving platform and a dildo I’m being pushed toward it  and back and forth. I had  a speculum in hand and it seem like I was supposed to put the speculum inside the dildo. Like I was sounding and spreading it..that was the challenge?

I left the wedding like event early and tried to move my car but it was blocked in, but it somehow shrunk and I think I  got it out.

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Speaking of gauze, L, a colleague of mine who is staying at my dungeon studio this weekend to session, had  a flareup in  her previously sprained her ankle and texted to see if we had any compression bandage at the studio. I  had P2 run to t he store to get her some and deliver it to her. We exchanged texts about her unfortunate mishap. She had to cancel all her sessions today, including an overnight. She said the flareup came from having an incredibly bad and stressful week. And it’s prolly her body telling her to take a break.

I see how my dream is working its way into my day..

I wonder how it’ll play out when I see A later tonight?

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I meditatated briefly int h e orgy room, then got on the sofa with  a stack of my newly acquired bookds.  All  7 o f them. Started masturbating  and reading The Finding of the Third  Eye, the book I got yesterday at the Hanged Man.

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Insights come to me when I read and masturbate.

Like this realization: The syllabus to my Buddhist class on the Path to Liberation is a map..

It’s tracking the insights that come to you when you meditate.

Impermanence, Dependent Arising, No Self, Nirvana, all of that.. is what you come to know when you sit with yourself and still your mind..

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Yesterday during yoga, I had the insight that eating less and consciously is just like meditation, the “process of less” with the body unlocks sacred wisdom and deep truth and knowledge about your body..

 

I’m coming to know all of this because I have direct experience with it..

I’m doing the practice..

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Every thing that we know on some level that’s good for us

and that we resist is what

we must investigate and come to know directly

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Meditation..

Cutting out all the “yummy things” that is made of sugar, dairy, and grains..

Exercising

We resist it because it requires effort, and for some a radical change.

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But it’s only in the radical changes will transformation happen.

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Once you see the way, you know there’s no other way…

It’s the middle way.

Of balance and awareness.

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Oh  right, before that I Amazoned 3 books.

The 5th Dimension (by the same author of Finding the Third Eye)

The Pineal Gland

The Kybalion

All for the total of $14.44

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I had this thought: At this point of my book collection,  if I were to read every esoteric sacred wisdom book I have in my home, I will have all the keys and codes to unlock everything.

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Another insight: my given name means erudite. I’m here to live the most fully lived life and read esoteric books and gather esoteric wisdom from all the religions and be a light messenger by creating a bridging book of wisdom (through pervette) and distill everything I learn into simple terms and  through my story for anyone to access.

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These thoughts came to me as I read the preface to Finding the Third Eye. Just by reading esoteric books, I unlock insights within myself..

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I read, highlighted, wrote, masturbated, and came, hard and loudly, several times.

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The sun was right on me as I came.

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And now the light is moving towards the round table in the breakfast nook.

So I’m here now. I just made myself my power drink, and mixed it with my new glass calla lily mixer I got yesterday at Dopp.

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Oh I still need to fill you in about my magical day yesterday..

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And I still need to fill in the details of when I got back form Bali and how P2 picked me up half way..he  said it was raining the whole time I was in Bali…the camera he fixed and returned, the Timely Rain poetry book by Trungpa he returned, the lemons and avos he brought..

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My mind is fixated on that detail needing to be recorded. I think the (title of the) book and camera is an auspicious metaphor.

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And the pineapple guavas that J has been gathering for me. It was Thursday morning I sliced some and scooped out the meat and placed them on a little japanese plate for J to try. His eyes widen as he tried them, delighted by how sweet and yummy they were.

These details matter to me.

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The construction guys, S from Dopp, M from the Hanged Man, if I think about it, eveyone ..

There’s something magical about everyone coming into my life

I am sensing and at times clearly seeing the reason why for all these connections..

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The beautiful weekend and its glorious sun is bringing so much insight and light into my world right now..

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Themes from last week: Credit card processing application, meditative mood, naturally intermittent fasting, one meal a day, cooking and cleaning right after, prepping for the return to social media, getting social and replying to long overdue texts and old subs, happily hermitting and pervetting, late nights, late mornings, vivid dreams, persimmons, pineapple guavas, satsumas, my power drink (chaga, lion’s mane, dandy blend, bulletproof chocolate collagen, maca, mucuna pruriiens, white kratom (from Bali) ginger, turmeric, sea salt, cardamom, ceylon cinnamon, astragalus, he shou wou, bacopa)

 

(later that Sunday)

Something told me to shower earlier than I would to get ready to see A at 6. So I took a shower around 1:30. I prepared myself, just in case, we wanted to go there tonight.

And just as I was for the most part done drying my hair and putting on my blush, A texted, he’s back early from visiting his sister in Fresno.  He asks if I want to hang earlier and check out some wood slab lumber, he’s in the East Bay.

I said sure.

But all the wood places were closed on Sunday except for Ponderosa but it was closing in 20 min.

I suggested playing frisbee.

Which oddly enough was what I envisioned we would do when A asked me in the earlier in the week if I was free to hang out.

I saw us hanging in the East bay playing frisbee, even though we made plans to meet at his place in the city at 6.

So we met at Berkeley campus around 4.. The timing of our arrival was spot on. I even had time to make and bring a glass bottle of my speacial tea and a satsuma.

Doe Library lawn was pretty moist. I found us another lawn by Barrow Hall that was big and dry enough

A was impressed with my frisbee skills. His was pretty decent as well.

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We walked in the gloaming back to my car. The sky was purple pink.

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On the car ride back, A asked how was Bali.  I said it w as amazing.

He asked why.

Time with friends

And this next level love that P and I reached.

Maybe A didn’t need to hear that.

I told him that this is how I see my relationships with him and P.

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P brings out this childlike muppety side of me, and with him I feel like a little mupp that’s being taken care of. I get to act silly and goofy and be just like  a child.

A brings out this womanly side of me, who feels sexual and desired. And I feel mature like a woman.

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A likes that.

 

When we got back to my place I noticed that P2’s truck was still there. I know he was there to do the chores and hang with Cutie while I was with A on campus. He said he wanted to and will take off before we got home..

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He wasn’t inside the house when I hollered his name when I came in.

He called saying he’s in his truck, waiting for my reply to his text asking if he can take Cutie for the night. I said, sure. SO he took off with Cutie.

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A and I made dinner. I had him dice the onions and carrots and broccolini. He doesn’t peel his carrots, I tell him it tastes less bitter when it’s peeled. We do a blind taste test, peeled vs non peeled.

.

Every time we get together, we always seem to do a taste test. Because we always have our own idea of what’s better

 

Me vs. Him

Spring water vs. Tahoe tap water (Spring wins)

Opaque fire truck red raspberries vs. Clear ruby red raspberries (Ruby red wins)

Now

Peeled vs. unpeeled carrots

I win. Peeled carrots taste less bitter and way better.

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We make my classic veggie stirfry, A bakes the halibut I got at the farmer’s market yesterday, and it’s a little overkill but I made us my hearty salad with everything in it.

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Over dinner A asks how do I w ant 2020 to be different from 2019.

I show him my 2019 project planner. And flip to the page that had the whole year at a glance. Every little box indicating each day of the year was filled with one line that encapsulated that day. And in each box if it had a blue line colored at the top, it meant I meditated that day, if it was colored yellow on the right side, it meant I ate cleanly and consciously, it was colored green on the bottom it meant I was active and did something physical that day, and if it was colored pink on the left, it meant I worked on Pervette and created content.

I told him I want 2020 to be filled with pink. I was to be more focused and productive on pervette

.

 

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We didn’t finish all the food..

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I told A I’ve had this fantasy of a weekend date with him where we spend the afternoon in the East Bay and at my place and the evening at his place.

He said he likes that and asks if it’s because there’s the P-enforced no sex with other dudes rule in the house policy.

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So we go back to his place in the city. He draws us a bath, with a lit candle. He sits behind me, he touches and asks how I like to be touched, I like it when all the fingers are flat and placed on my pussy like this..

He gets me really wet and close to coming.

I tell him that I brought something with me.

He asks what.

I said a glass plug.

He smiles and says I’m amazing.

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He asks if I’m gonna be a good girl and take him in all of my holes.

I say, I’m going to try my best.

He says, he has faith in me.

I tell him, that’s all I need.

He says I’m getting him so hard.

I see and touch his cock underneath the bath tub water..

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XXX

 

It’s hard to keep a plug in when you’re gagging on a cock, I learned.

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As he was about to come in my mouth, he felt the flame of the candle behind him catching on his hair (He didn’t tell me that until after)

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Holy fuck.

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After that’s been said  and done, we now know  and have direct experience with the origin and meaning of that expression.

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(I have our sexcapaderecorded, maybe at another level of Pervette, you can hear all the juicy details)

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After he came inside me (unprotected), we showered. He cleaned me with a bar of oatmeal soap.

We laid in bed.

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Earlier I had pulled his green notebook from the shelf. It was his journal from when he was traveling around the world for 3 years circa 2008.

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We opened it up, I flipped through the pages. The front was his journal the back was his lists.

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All the vehicles/motorcycles he has owned

Things he wants to get good at- storytelling and being funny

Then there was the list of girls he dated/fucked

He pointed to my name. I was surprised. I wouldn’t say we dated back then (in 2004). It was more like 3-4 casual fucks.

I starred your name, he said. I starred the girls I really liked. I was doubly surprised. As out of the 60 or so girls he listed, there was only three that had a star next to their name.

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All that time (in that shot span of our hooking up in Fall 2004) I thought he thought less of me.

I felt so inferior or insecure around him. I never felt comfortable in my own skin around him. And he was so confidant and so fucking charming and busy with all the girls he was fucking. I thought I was just another girl he can fuck.

I’ve been with someone whom I wanted more than they wanted me. I don’t like that feeling, it’s too vulnerable and needy. remember so vividly the night I decided I wanted to cut him out of my life. I wanted him to forget me and the negative impression I thought he had of me. I remember thinking, making we can reconnect again in 10 years, maybe by then, his memory of who he thinks I am will have faded..

We can start over.

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Oddly enough, ten years later, in 2014, after P and I fell in love,  A and I reconnected..and now here we are.

I got what I always wanted. For us to be lovers. And for A to want me as much as I want him, if not more.

I know that if he could have it his way, he would have me all to himself. And we would have a baby girl together.

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I check the time, it’s a little past 11, I should go, I said. I kiss him goodbye and drive home.

I took the longest shower, recapping all the highlights of our time.

it’s always so cinematic and romantic when we’re together.

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I write in my planner the one line for that day:

Perfect East Bay/SF Sunday with A. Frisbee and Holy Fuck!

 

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Monday, 12.16.19

 

Woke up at 8 to the sound of P2 opening the front door and dropping off Cutie

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Texted my sis, she’s in Lisbon and she just picked up by box of stuff that’s been orphaned there since July. What a miracle, that her bf decided  they should go to Lisbon for 3 days in mid winter bc they had planned it months ago and decided to follow through even though the timing is less than ideal. And then he ended up sick in bed with the cold and food poisoning the whole time. It was almost as though the trip was made to rescue my box of books, and notebooks, and bags and trinkets and fancy shoes and dress.

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J and R came over to make sure the right wood/materials for the deck gets delivered today.

I give R and J some more Level cannabis since they enjoyed it so much.

J pulls out of his hoodie pocket more pineapple guavas he picked for me from the tree out front. And a cat’s eye stone, for me. I’ve never even heard of cat’s eye.

As they were leaving, I pack them a small bag of meyer lemons, the ones S2 picked and gave to me, since I have so many and there’s no way I can finish  all of them before I take off for the OC.

I love how we’re always giving something to each other.

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After they left, I masturbated and mediated

read Kepnes’ You. Becasue it’s in 2nd person, and I need that for pervette inspo as I work on the Dominatrix path.

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Jogged to the bench, walked to my favorite tree, caught the sunset.

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Made a stirfy, ate and cleaned

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P3 came over briefly to pick up some magic mushrooms.

No need to pay me, it’s a gift.

They’re going to Joshua Tree this week with their visiting friend, whom I met in NY, and liked a lot.

P3 says, they were slammed with school this semster, but next semester their load is lighter and the’y re so ready to capture more footage of me and my life.

They want to interview me and my mom this coming week sicne they might still be down there as well.

And they want to capture me and my best friend, M, whom I sorta owe my domme career to, since it was M’s experience at the Gates that inspired me to be a Domme.

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I also gave P3 a scale to measure her doses, and some lemons, and almonds, and also Ocean Vuong’s poetry Exit Night Sky and Wounds.  Their hands were full with goodies and they aid it felt like Christmas.

why does it feel so good to give?

Esp when it’s drugs and lemons.

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I work on the dominatrix path. Funny how I spent hours or even  days on a  page and then decide later, to edit all of it out..

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I go though my external hard drives to find a photo to post on Instagram this week. Sometihing told me to go straight to the Ballon shoot. I found the pic..

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A texted  a kissy smily face at 10:49pm.

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I like we were both thinking about each other the day after our sexxy night..

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Tuesday. 12.17.19  12:14am (technically it’s Wednesday)

 

Dear U,

I woke up this morning around 8 and while I was still in bed. I heard the garage door open.

J hollers. I holler back, Come on in!

The crew comes in through the garage. Funny how I’m getting pretty used to everyone letting themselves in  while I’m still in bed.

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I hear a new voice, he sounds young and sweet.

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when I finally got upstairs, I met J’s son, P, he’s home from college for the holidays. I was right, he was young and sweet. Tall, lanky, boyishly cute and with a slightest bit of acne.

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I decided to get some sun. So I grabbed my journal, went for a walk to the bench overlooking the hills, and I started writing out my Instagram post.

A very friendly dog, ran up to me, jumped on my and we touched nose to nose. The owner says he’s so sorry and he’s embarrassed. I tell him not to worry about it.

My first inclination was to go wash my face as soon as I get back. But some magical thinking part of my brain tells me not to bc the friendly dog was trying to give me a gift through the dirt he put on me.

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I wrote and wrote with the sun in my face, it felt good. Thjen all of a sudden th e air got colder and I walked back. The crew confirmed it did all of a sudden just get colder.

They were laying down the ironwood. It looks good..

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Zoom coach meeting with Z at 2pm.

i ask them to help me shift my enxiety around posting on social media to enthusiasm. They help me shift my focus from my old way of thinking and fretting (will people like what I share?) to a more expanded and real focus by focusing on my life’s intention..

Which I identified in relation to my work on pervette..

To be a visionary leader

To be a creator of beauty

To be a successful entrepreneur

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it worked. I felt my anxiety dissolve with the shift in focus  on my life’s intentions.. I’m thinking bigger and more expansively..

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A2 Facetimes me from NY. We talk Breakup Bootcamp dates. She signed the deal with Netflix after they agreed to her terms. her last term that she was negotiated actually involved me.

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Her book launch date is now June.

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She told me to send over my pic and text for my IG post.

Whoa! She saw the pic I chose. It’s pretty bold I guess (it’s the pic above)

We soun very muppety when we talk to each other. A2 got it from me.

I said I think I want to write something about standing tall and naked in my truth, y’know to link with the pic and stuff.

She  thinks it’s hilarious that we have these sexy personas, but really we’re just these muppety characters.

She starts typing, as she edits my too long text down.

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She says when I’m rady to post, let her know, so she can like and comment with a comment that’s 5 words or more, to help my algorithm.

I love her.

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I go for a walk with Cutie to catch the (no) sunset behind the clouds.

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Facetime with P, we go over the interior decorator’s options of furnishings, Option 1 is the best.

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I ask P if we wants to help me and go in on a x-mas for my sister. She’s always wanted this MaxMara coat, for years now butnever got it bc it’s 2500 and that seesm like a lot for me to splurge on herself.

I ask P if he wants to go in and split a 1000 or 1500 gift certificate, so that she can finally get her coat. He says sure.

That makes me happy. She didn’t ask for the coat. Whenever I ask her what she wants for her bday or x-mas, she says I don’t need to get her anything.

So I get her things that I think would be good for her. Like a zafu, or a 5 minute journal, or stones. But they’re things i like, not her.

I’m happy I can help her get her coat finally.

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P asks, Doesn’t she  still owe you a ton of money?

Yeah, like 40K. But at this point, I’m just gonna forget about it.

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Make a giant kale salad, ate it mindfully.

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Widdled down my IG post from 3 huge paragraphs to 3 sentences. Pretty much I’m chucking everything I wrote. Because what emerged from the process of writing that was the perfect pithy line that linked with the photo..

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Checked my google analytics. my user number is up by 854%. I think it’s all from Coffee Meets Bagel. wow. My crazy idea that I’ve had for years now was spot on.

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I’m on Instagram, I’mon Coffee Meets Bagel, my god, who am I?

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P calls to tell me he loves me so much..

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I catch up on my journaling to you..Finally created a new post with a new pic. It’s the uncensored version of what I’m going to post tomorrow.

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Funny how the plan was to get back on social media and post on  Nov 24th, when I was in Bali and every time that proposed day comes,  I push it back, for one (valid) reason oranother. I was supposed to post today, but  I was still working on it this afternoon and evening, it can wait one more day..

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Can’t stop  thinking about t he pink organza kimono I saw in SD’s shop on Saturday. I want  to get it to layer over my fetishy clothes when I go out.

It’s 400.

It’s a lot, but I also want to support SD. I can tell that it would mean a lot to her in making rent for the brick and mortar shop.

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I’ve been really into supporting awesome small businesses, maybe it also justifies my spending.. I’m just trying to help!

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It’s 1:13am, I just ordered a purple boob cut out cotton sweater from Fashion Brand Company. They were on my IG feed, I found out about them though one of the participants at the Domme bootcamp. It’s the quirkiest clothing co. ever. They make dresses for lizards. I have to support them.

 

Wednesday, 12.18.19

 

Dear U,

It  was a drizzly day.

As the construction guys were walking on the deck.

I meditated in the pink room and masturbated int he blue room below.

I came a ton. And a ton of pervette ideas came to me.

.

Then I zipped over to the studio to meet with K, the interior designer of my friend(/kinda tech celebrity) who’s building out a dungeon in their pad.

I love how this soccer mom Vietnamese gal and I are trading notes on dungeon equipment and paraphernalia, she knows her shit.

We talked measurements on their padded wall, and came up with some ideas on how to make the most the space they’re working with.

Something tells me that K and I are gonna co-create some awesome dungeon spaces in the future. And she will also be a huge part of me revamping the studio..

.

 

Then I went to Dopp City to try on the silk organza kimono (I told SD, the designer/showpowner, I would come back to try it on) that SD’s friend Shelby Lynne made. I loved it, the pink, the fit, the see through-ness, I can see me wearing it out, and in photoshoots. It can go well over racy fetish outfits at events…

And I want to support SD.

Then I tried on pink coat the SD made. Cute. But she only made one in that pink wool in size medium. I tried on the XS in the blue suit material. Oh wow, it goes well even over my alo sweatpants and tennis shoes. $525. Hmm. Oh dear..I’m already spending 375 on the pink kimono. I’m trying not spend a ton of money right now..She only made so many like 6 in that perfect blue fabric and that’s all she has of it. There was an unsewn part in the lining of t he arms, which I caught. So that made it easy to not get the coat (yet), as it needed to be fixed.

I’m happy.. I got to support SD, get the one of a kind pink kimono and I don’t have to get the blue coat yet.

There  was a way that SD talks, she’s so light and funny, and it felt like two friends who’ve known each other for some time.

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Can we not pay in cash? she asks. She knows that I was since I’m a SW.

As in pay with credit card? Sure, but why not  cash? I ask.

Because I don’t have any change.

It’s okay, I’ll just buy something for 25 and that’ll  make it 400 even.

Okay!

I got a Gua Shua face thing, which I already have. But the stone and shape of this one  is different.

.

Then I  came home and tweeted and posted on Instagram my post. Texted A2, thanked her for helping me edit it down and that I just posted. She immeditately posted a 5+ word comment on my post  (which helps with the algorithm) and invited others to view my post through the comment. I love how she supports me.

I spent the next 44 min replying to everyone’s comments..

It was actually fun engaging with everyone.

And I’m getting good engagement, with likes and comments coming in steadily.

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It was still drizzly, but I went down the hill and made it to yoga with my favorite instructor, A. I’m so glad I did. I needed to get my head our of the phone and back in my body..

I sometimes slip into a state of altered consciousness when I truly give into the practice..

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After yoga, checked IG, keeping up with the comments..

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Went to 3 Stone Hearth, picked up chicken  soup, lion’s mane, satsumas and  pears

Then t o Moneterey Market to get ingreds for the stirfry I’m gonna make for P tomorrow.

Then home and cooked dinner, roasted cauliflower, glazed walnuts..

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Jesus, how many times have I checked IG and Twitter and not to mention Coffee Meets Bagel. I’m becoming one with my one.

 

Thursday, 12.19.19

 

Woke up, checked phone..IG..I’m  becoming addicted?

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Then  email, the bank  is reviewing my application, they need to test the member login, I send them the links..

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I tidied up the bathroom, breakfast nook and some other slight muppety cluttered spots around  the house, P is coming home today.

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I  showered then zoomed over to JetSuiteX. His flight landed at 11:25, I got there at 11:44

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Whenever I’m driving fast, my head goes into this future space, where I’m answering interview questions, and what comes out of me is my voice of the future.. I sound messianic a little..

I realize this is actually the homework assignment M gave me 2 years ago. (M studied tarot under Alejandro Jodorowsky). I’m instinctively doing it.

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The questions involve my vision, my creative process and my answers sound very motivational..

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I swoop P up, he’s looking all muppety suave on by the curbside, with his smirk and sunglasses

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We went to Belcampo. I usually don’t eat this early, noon, but since I’m with P..

I got myself a bone broth at the bone broth bar and dressed it up with everything.

I also ate some of P’s steak carottes. And the crispy broccolini

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P and I talk about dommes, what everyone is doing, which is all the same, sessions, taking photos, onlyfans

I told P I want to appeal to the women who want to tap into their power.

He gives me that look like he’s thinking,  looking  ahead  into the future, and it’s not a good idea..

It’s hard to sell to women, unless you’re selling makeup or handbags.

.

I  tell P that

 

….To be continued

 

Sunday, 12.22.19 12:29pm

 

Dear U,

I’ve literally been masturbating all morning, from 8:30am-12:25pm

According to my Natural Cycles app, I’m ovulating right now. That makes sense.

I also had sex with A last night. Which was very nice. And sometimes the momentum from that keeps me going..

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My tummy always looks better after a night of sex.

Note to self: have more sex..

.

I feel amazing. Just came about 11 times..

while texting some, Got back to a few friends

staring out the window. it’s a lovely rainy day. Gray and bright.

I should start packing and tidying up the house.

Heading down to the OC tonight, for the holidaze.

.

At some point, maybe tomorrow, I’ll feel you in on the last few days..

.

 

1:50pm

 

I’ve been  having visions of my nex home. I see a zen garden, tatami mats, lots a green plants, lotsa light..

.

Interesting how this week, I made P aware of his tendency to be naysayer when I talk about my Pervette goals and visions

And how last night, when talking to A, he was the opposite.

I told him who I admired, Tavi Gevinson, and that I’m waiting till when I really have something to show and share to reach out to her. A tells me not to wait, I already have something to share with her, it’s my vision.

He says, maybe short of the president, there’s no one that I can’t reach.

He has so much faith in me..

.

I think there’s  a part of P’s ego that’s not comfortable with me taking up space.

But he’s changing, through awareness, he’s catching himself and his tendency to react like his mom, who was always tellin him, he’s getting too big for his britches..

.

A asks what’s my biggest bottleneck on Pervette right now.

I  said that I’m still waiting to hear back from the bank on t he credit card processing.

He said that’s not really a problem. Give him something else.

I thought about it.

I think it’s just consistency and putting in more hours to create the foundational content/structure (backbone) of pervette so that it has a strong integrity and can hold itself well and grow over time.

..

..

So I packed..  my toiletries, clothes, a NYE outfit, vitamins, 5 books, 4 notebooks, 2 macbook pros and 4 external hard drives filled with my photo/video shoots, audio recordings, sessions, etc (I’m planning on cleaning and organizing them finally), and a ton of lemons (S2 gave me) and pineapple guavas from my front yard.

.

P2 came over at 5 to take me to the airport. He arrived earlier than take-off time to take out t he trash and hang out with Cutie.

He  also did  the dishes as the kitchen was a crazy mess with all my crazy concoction drinks I was making these past few days that has 20+ herbs/things in it.

.

I was pushng it, but I decided to make a veggie stirfry with the kale, carrots and shiitake I had. I had P2 peel and dice the veggies.

Quickly (mindfully) ate and then frothed up my hot power drink and we were off..

Made it to JetSuiteX 20 min before my flight. I handed over my excessibely heavy luggage over and was escorted to the jet. Even though it’s gotten more popular and more crowed over the past few years, I stillI love flying jsx. No TSA, everything is so chill and fluid..

.

On  the flight down, I was in  some intense mood. I needed to listen to songs with heavy beats.  I was feeling the energy of my future. I had visions of my upcoming bday party. I really wanted to release all this energy I had in me by dancing, but I was in a jet, it was fairly empty, so I got to bop my head..

.

I landed, 15 min late, I  realize. Took an uber comfort to the nearest McDonald’s, which was where my Dad wanted to meet here. I gave him the address to JSX yesterday, but he had trouble finding it in the dark last night and told me to meet him at someplace near and he knows well.

.

He was sitting inside, legs, crossed, arms folded, eyes darting everywhere except in front of him (which was where I was though the glass) waiting for me. I  came in, he told me to sit down and finish his fries..
I told him I’m not hungry, I already ate a ton.

He insisted.

I don’t  know  how  to tell him that I eat super healthy andconsciously now, which means no sugar, carbs, dairy, processed, unorganic foods, and lectins. And McDonald’s fries doesn’t count as “healthy”  to me.

So I took a small fry (it was cold) and nibbled on the tip to create the semblance of eating.

.

Maybe it’s all the diva music (e.g., whitney houston, celine dion, Bette midler, etc) he listens to super loudly or his aspberger’s, but my dad has this tendency to talk as if he’s barking. Everything comes out in this crazy harsh tone. He sounds upset. ANd everything he tells me is a cautionary tale  he gleaned form the news.

.

This time, he said I should stick with taking regular flights through John Wayne Airport. None of this little hard to find airports, and needing to get an uber to get to him.

Didn’t I know that 4 girls got raped by an Uber driver recently?

He says I need to fly though John Wayne, it’s not good to make your parents worry about you. He said when he w as waiting here  for here, he  thought maybe something terrible happened to me..

While he w as waiting for me outside, 2 homeless guys came up to him asking for a smoke, that’s why he came inside to order some fries..

Costa Mesa, a pretty affluent part ofthe OC, is dangerous to him bc it has 2 homeless guys. Probably a good thing he doesn’t visit me and SF often..

.

He drove me to my mom and stepdad’s house. He bought fried rice for me, 2 baguettes at Lee’s sandwiches and some some lof of vietnamese cold cut meat that I can  put in the baguette  and eat. Again, I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t put anything like that in my body anymore. He said he already dressed the fried rice with fish sauce, soy sauce and chili pepper so no need to do anything to it other than stick it in the microwave for 2 min (My dad is a more insane maximalist in spices and salt than I am.  He shakes soy sauce on to his food to the point of it being inedible), which means that rice is definitely not palatable even by my folks..

.

It’s  gonna be raining all day tomorrow he says, with the  food he  got me, I can stay in and be well fed.

.

He asks me to ask my mom if she has any guavas from her tree to give him, since the guavas from her tree are sweet and seedless. I told him I’ll ask. I remembered that I had some pineapple guavas with me in my backpack, that I gathered from the trees tin my front yard today. I offered him some. I told him they were like guavas but smaller and they taste like pineapple, which I thought was a pretty good sell, but he said he didn’t want any.

We drive into the gated community, and roll up to my mom and stepdad’s driveway.  He hands me the food and grumbles about my insanely heavy luggage. We hug and he says he’ll call me x-mas eve to figure out plans.

.

I wait for him to drive away before I open the  unlocked front door. My mom is on the other side. She shakes her head at the long baguettes in my hand, knowing well where that came from.

We have  to be quiet about who dropped me off, because my stepdad is home today and he doesn’t actually know that my dad  lives in the same (orange ) county as they do after his divorce.

Somehow my mom thinks it’s better to hide that fact from him (maybe she thinks it’ll trigger some jealousy, although R, my stepdad, doesn’t strike me as the jealous type), and so whenever I see my dad, and my stepdad is around, I have to omit the details of who I’m seeing for lunch when I’m back in town.

.

I leave the baguette  and  food by the door and walk into  the kitchen family room area where my stepdad was and said hello. He w as laying reclined in the fancy japanese massage chair he got at my mom’s behest years ago  (that she never used herself). I asked how he’s doing and feeling (he had a heart attack a few weeks ago  and they put a stent(sp?) in him). He says he’s great now.

.

Boba, our Chihuahua is very excited to see me, he’s looking cute in his red parka vest, yapping away.

I brought my luggage up. Offered some pineapple guavas to my mom to  try. She thought it tasted interesting. I  told her it’s  like a pineapple and guava. Oh  yeah, she tastes it now..

.

I don’t remember who exactly started the conversation but my mom and stepdad were telling my about a Vietnamese scholar who’s about my age and he went to Berkeley too. He’s doing this Vietnam War project. They tell me anecdotes, like how he  got an F- in his history class at Berkeley for writing his interpretation of the war. I wonder where they’re getting this from

.

I sit next to my mom on the U-shaped sectional. She’s on her ipad and pulls up the Vietnamese show on youtube that has these two older women interviewing V, the historian that they were talking about.

They both how good his Vietnamese is for having immigrated here at the age 8. It’s true, I  could barely understand the big words he was using.

But I was finally getting what he w as doing. He’s taking on a pretty big project, which is to collect the oral history of the Vietnam War, so that we can have a more balanced view of what happened. Since all we know is the  American perspective of the war, which is  skewed, and very different from that of the Vietnamese perspective.

.

The more I listened to him, speak in the interview,  the more I knew I needed to meet him.

.

R said he met him today.

What? He’s here?

Yeah, he walked over to the kitchen counter area and showed me what he got.

I bought this book and his USB that has 17 hours of the interview he did with Bui Diem ( the Vietnamese ambassador during  the time of the war, (who’s 97 now)

Whoa. Can I meet him?

Yeah, I got his number. I’ll call him up tomorrow..

.

We stopped the interview halfway because I wasn’t comprehending what he was saying, so my mom and stepdad interpreted it for me.. which led to the next 2 magical hours where they gave me thir oral history of the vietnam war..

(I’m so happy I constantly have my recorder on and with me  when  I’m home)

What they told me was kinda insane..

.

How after they lost the war and the North came in, everything went into decline.

All the people who fought for the south was imprisoned and put in re-education camps, including a lot of my relatives..

.

They targeted the richest first. All businesses were confiscated and families were forced to live in the “New Economy Zone” which were these rural unlived in aread with no infrastructure, and as a result a lot  of people died of malaira, from the lack of sanitation.

.

The currency exchange happened. Which meant that if you had $500 dollars, it was exchanged for a dollar.

This was their way of equalizing everyone.

.

I asked if it felt uncomfortable to experience this extreme change.  They said it was incredibly uncomfortable. To see all these rapid changes for the worst.

Before 75, the South was abundant and had a variety of things, imported from other countries. Then after 75,

The north came in and looted the south.

And nothing got imported. And all the nice things that they would try hold on they had to eventually sell to survive.

It was a devastating time.

That’s why they tried to escape via boat.

.

The boat situation was pretty bad. Many died.

R’s friend had to eat his daughter to survive his boat journey.

.

My mom told me her account in Vietnamese, R spoke to me in English, whatever terms/words I quite didn’t understand in her VIetnamese, he would explain to me in   English.

.

This was sorta continuation of my last visit to the OC in Sep or Oct last, where I asked my mom and R questions about the war and started collecting their oral history.

.

Amazing how the first in the night I got in, we went deep into their storytelling.

.

And I got a more clear portrait of R, and what a rebel he was, which basically saved his life.

.

He was deported the the “Newly Economy Zone”  but evaded it and hung around the city, stealthily. And when he  had his chance he escaped on a boat, was the captain of it, and steered the boat safely to the Phillipines in 5 days instead of 7, the wind was on his side.

.

Most days when I’m home, R is on his computer, Mom is on her ipad, and I’m on my phone or in my book. Tonight, they’re storytelling, I’m asking them questions. Something about the way they talk excitedly over each other a little in trying to explain to me the context of that time, and the way they remembered it, how they felt and how I wanted to uncover more and more..

.

I didn’t want to get up  to change the dying the batteries in my recorder, I fear the flow would be broken. But at some point Boba was feeling needy and wanted some attention, so R took him out.

.

I asked R if he can contact V the historian tomorrow and see if I can meet with him. He said sure.

It was 2am when I went to bed.

Monday, 12.23.19

 

I couldn’t get the electric curtains to close in my room, so I rose with the sun  in my lilac room.

I spent the whole morning from 8 till 11:30 in my room, masturbating, and on my phone, looking into clear business cards for pervette. Circular? clear? Or a frame of sorts with a clear middle? Bookmark cutout? I’d love to make it a mini piece of interesting art.

.

I checked JL’s instagram. She’s the oakland based zine maker whose work I stumbled across at Pegasus books. I want  to reach out to her and see if we can collaborate on a pervette zine.  She’s making enamal pins now.  How perfect. I was thinking about pervette pins..

.

 

When I came downstairs, I asked R if he can callup V to see  if I can meet him. He  calls. Straight to voicemail. Why don’t you give him a text,  R suggests, here’s his number.

.

I plug in the USB the R got from V. Inside were three folders. One folder contained the official documents of Bui Diem during that time. One folder was a transcription of V’s interview of Bui Diem, which took place over 6 years. And the other folder had 17  hours of video interview footage. The interview was mostly Bui Diem discussing, telling the story behind the documents he had. I was kinda blown away by this..

.

I read the intro to the transcripts which was in English, the rest of the transcript was in Vietnamese. The more I read, the more Iknew I had to meet him. The work he’s undertaking is incredible. And his mission to spread this, I want to to support this.

.

So I spent 15-20 min crafting a text  to V. Telling him that my stepdad met him yesterday. How I just learned about his incredible project and I want to support it. I gave him a little background about me and i told him about my goal, which came tome as I was texting him: I want to go deep into the history of the Vietnam War, examine its portrayal and cinema and make a documentary that traces the effects of the Vietnam War on those who are still in Vietnam, those who escaped as refugees and the children of the parents who lived through the war.. It will be a film made by and for the Vietnamese community. That “goal”  came to me as I was crafting this text.

I told him I was home for the holidays and it’d be great to meet for coffee however brief it is.

.

20 min later, he replied, thanking me for my kind words and he does remember speaking with my stepdad and how proud he is of me. He said he’s free after 4 to meet today. And he thinks my proposed project is great. Someone I should meet is Dr. O.

.

I replied saying meeting after 4 sounds great.

He says he’s meeting with Dr. O around 4, and if I want, he can introduce me to her.

Amazing.

So 4:30 it is, and I could pick the spot around Westminster.

I asked my stepdad for a quiet cozy cafe rec. He thought about it, and said Z Cafe is a pretty good spot. I google imaged it, hmm, kinda cozy looking but not aesthetically pleasing, but could work.

.

I’m gonna take off early to scope out the place.

Good idea, they said.

I like how both my mom and stepdad were excited for me to meet with V.

.

On the way to Z Cafe, I drove quickly, which helps with my visioning. I thought about this “documentary” I want to make.

And on the 20 min ride there, ideas started coming to me. More like all the pieces were coming together. I’ve been wanting to meet Levy Tran for a while, and other Vietnamese gals who  havve made a name for themselves, like Amy Pham, @Vampybitme..

.

What  if my doc featured three 2nd generation Vietnamese American girls who chose a more unconventional path and made a name for themselves, and this doc follows them in their journey in learning about their parents’ story during the war. After witch each of them will recreate  their parent’s story by creating a short film of their parent’s story, playing the part of their mother in the film.

It’s part doc/part film and it’s a story about overcoming shame and trauma and asking our parents to tell their story as a way to heal intergenerational trauma.

.

I  arrived at Z  cafe…

I arrived 20 min early to scope out the scene. A party of 8 is finishing up their holiday get together. A couple is also finishing up their meal. The place was cozy enough. The loud christmas music was a little much.

I asked the server if they can turn down the music since I’ll be doing an interview. She said she could.  I probably seem slightly neurotic the way I was trying out the different tables surveying each spot’s cozy/quiet factor. .

.

When V and O arrived, the two parties had left and the Christmas jazzy music was turned down and we had the whole place to ourselves. How  perfect.

They each brought me something. V gave me my own copy of the Vietnam Oral History Project and O gave me a Vietnamese children’s book that was bilingual, one side was in english, the other was vietnamese. That’s so perfect. I’ve been wanting to learn Vietnamese.

.

We got to chatting. They loved my documentary idea. Earlier today, they were debriefing about the event V did last night. It had a better than expecrted turnout, 200 people arrived when they were hoping for 50. But the crowd was predominantly 40+ years old. They were discussing the need to bridge the generational gap. As only the older generation who have lived through the war are interested in the Vietnam War History project. They recognize the need to reach the younger generation, the millennials. And it was then that V got my text and so here we are.

Strange, how it’s all coming together.

.

I told them a little about myself, I quickly outed myself as a dominatrix. I’m glad I got a PhD, it seems to really bolster my credibility as a serious documentarian.

.

O is the founder the local Vietnamese newspaper, she’s nerdy and sweet, and had to take off pretty quickly. I thanked her fortaking the time to meet me and for my book she gifted me.

.

V and I got to talking, He said O is a  great person to connect  with if I want to reach the Vietnamese community. She  has all the connections. It’s all becasue of her that  he”s able to do t he circuit  of Vietnamese shows and events here.

.

We totally hit it off. I love his passion project and his upcoming summer weekend workshop, teaching the Vietnamesse community how to conduct oral history interviews. He  said if  I was open, he’d be happy to have me be a part of teaching the younger crowd, since he knows his self deprecative demeanor appeals to the older generation and to not to the young folks, I said I’d be happy to. He’s working on editing and putting out two books in the next 5 years. One will be a Vietnam History handbook that can be supplement to the history books in grade school through high school. He says he needs to make the language accessible to readers as young as 12. I said I can help with that. And just like that I got folded into his passion projects.

He  asks how he can help support me and my project. I told him just by having these conversations is a good start.

.

Funny how I had this thought before the meeting that maybe I wouldn’t have much to say to start this conversation. I mean I just reached out to him out of the blue and he agreed to meet with me. I’m glad I had a meditative morning. I was fully present, engaged, came with a project that complemented his. And we had tons to talk about. As we actually had a very aligned vision. We beleive in the power of storytelling and want to inspire others, esp the Vietnamese community, to tell their story. There’s so much value and healing potential in our stories. It is our medicine..

.

And just like, I connected with a pretty awesome ally. We closed

Tuesday, Christmas Eve,

 

 

Wednesday, Christmas Day

 

 

Thursday, Boxing Day

 

11:08pm

After getting dragged to two malls, I’m planning my escape. Should I go up to LA on Saturday instead of Sunday?  I should.

 

.

I love my sister, but I actually can’t be with her for more than a few days without going crazy.

She means well by trying to engage with me. But she’s kinda a nonstop chatterbox, and the things she wants to talk about are uninteresting to me, like clothes, shopping, and real estate.

She comes up to me and shows me things she wants to buy and tells me about this person and that…

Can’t she see that I’m trying to get work done?

.

And now that she’s home showing my mom all the Rebecca Taylor and Kate Spade dresses on sale, my mom caught the shopping bug too. They can’t stop looking at and talking about dresses on sale. 70% off, take 20% off of the markdown prices, what a deal!

I know I have these consumption tendencies too (it runs in the family). But theirs is next level.

.

I was fine at the first mall, Fascist Island. But it’s when my sister said we have to go to South Coast Plaza so my mom can try on  some Kate Spade dresses to figure out her size so they she can buy her this on  sale dress online, that’s non-refundable, and it would be shame if they got the sizing wrong…

AAAHHHH!

.

I anticipated something like this would happen and I even suggested we take two cars, so we can get dinner together and I can drive home after to do work, but my sister insisted that it’ll be a quick run to the mall. So I went along.

I can tell they feel guilty and bad for dragging grumpy me along to the second mall. Making excuses for why they have to go to the next store.

I tried meditating on the car ride home.

This is time with family.

.

Maybe it’s too much time with family. I haven’t had any alone time since Sunday. And I thought I might have day to myself in Santa Monica Sunday before P gets in Monday. But he texted earlier today saying  he’s getting in earlier on Sunday to catch an important football game Sunday evening.

I need to time to self.

Time to pervette.

Or else I’m going to lose my mind..

.

Should I fly up to the Bay sooner?

But P and made plans to ring in the new decade together.

.

My sister has this way of exposing my major pet peeves:

I hate the feeling of others taking and wasting my time. 

and

I absolutely hate small talk.

.

I can see why my sister feels like she doesn’t have time for anything, she’s horribly inefficient with time.

.

What is it about family? They’re all versions of you, to some degree and they expose to you a more extreme version of your neuroses. Each family member is a different funhouse mirror to you. To be around them and see them is to be with the sides of yourself that you can’t stand at times.

.

I don’t even know how to practice equanimity anymore.

.

In all fairness to myself, I know that I’m reacting way better than I  was prior to my meditation practice. I’m not a total brat. I’m just quietly annoyed.

.

I find that I had to overeat when I got home to make myself feel better. But now I don’t feel so good because I ate too much fruit. At least they were pomelos and guavas from my mom’s garden and persimmons from H’s house..

.

The  only sugar I consume are from fresh  seasonal organic fruits.

 

Friday, 12.27.19 9:28am

 

Dear  U,

I’m behind again on my journaling. I still need to catch you up on what happened on Monday with my meeting with the Vietnam War historian and Christmas eve, Christmas..

.

I woke up at 7 with my sister right next to me.

Am I getting used to sleeping next to her in my old full size bed in the OC?

Uhh, hard to say.

.

Instead of journaling in bed and lingering  to chat with her as she’s on her phone, I went straight downstairs. I  read and replied to N’s text, turns out the book, Ship of Theseus, she recommended to me was  a book she borrowed from the library and  has to return so she’s thinking about getting a copy herself. I immediately Amazoned it as a gift to her with a note inside:

 

N! Thanks for recommending this book to me & inspiring our “great book exchange” project. I’m excited we’re reconnecting literally through books. Remember our Reading Rainbow vid? Do lifeguards need lifeguards??

.

There was a limited word count and the last line is an inside joke from 3rd grade.

.

Then I Amazoned 2 cookbooks for her and her sister, who’s going through some major gut issues..

The Plant Paradox Cookbook:

“Hi Guys! I wanted to share with you 2 cookbooks I love. The plant paradox has been my new diet change and it’s changed my health and life. The intro is totally worth reading. I hope you enjoy it!”

Food52 Mighty Salads:

“True confession: I was never into cooking or veggies but in the past year, I learned how to make 2 salads & a veggie stirfry & I love eating it everyday. It’s a meditation. I hope you catch the cooking bug as well!”

.

I’m trying to speak to her sister, S, who doesn’t eat vegetables, or anything healthy it seems, and doesn’t exercise, and had to go to the ER last month because she’s having crazy irregular non existent bowel movements..

.

I masturbated in the family room, keeping an ear out for the sound of my sister or mom coming out of their rooms and downstairs. Luckily they didn’t. I came quietly, twice even.

While reading Superfans..

A-ha.  Explanation as orgasm while orgasming..

.

Dots connected. Learn the pain points of my followers. I have so many channels to glean their challenges: Pervette, The breakup bootcamp whatsapp threads, even the Coffee Meets Bagel messages I’m  getting…

.

I started writing a list of the triggers,  which is subsequently the pages I’m going to create next..

.

My sister comes down and asks if I want to go to Peet’s with her and check out the new strip mall plaza in our neighboring town..

I said no, I want to catch this writing momentum I’m on. I can tell I’m being selfish with my time.

.

I ask her, “Do you not have the tea that you want here?”

She said she forgot to bring it home and she likes checking out new plazas, feels like a good thing for real estate agents to do. She says she can wait for me to write what I need to..I can tell she wants me to come along.

I said okay.

.

I’m home. It’s family time..

.,

 

Saturday, 12.28.19

 

Sunday, 12.29.19

 

Monday, 12.30.19

 

Tuesday, 12.31.19

 

1:47pm

 

Dear U,

It feels so good to wake up alone. Even though the whole morning I was feeling uncertain as to what to do. I know I should be pervetting, but a part of me was settling back into being alone. So I took my time..

I journaled. I meditated. Masturbated. Came a ton. Did 15 min of yoga. I  masturbated some more. I’m enjoying being really loud when I come..

.

It’s such  a beautiful day, the kind of day that makes you feel bad for staying inside. Should I go out? I do need to pick up some MCT oil and collagen powder.

.

In my dream last night I woke up too late and I missed the sun..

Maybe that’s a cue for me to go out and catch some sun before it’s too late.

.

 

..

Wow. I’m super behind in catching you up…

I’m a week behind. I feel compelled to go back to even last Monday and fill you in on what happened after my meeting with the Vietnam War historian..

.

I need to figure out a way to write to you daily. I need to timebox it. The problem is when I think about writing to you, I think about the  words that I can be writing to create paths in pervette.

 

 

 

 

Themes: home for the holidaze, stealth masturbation, superfans, Vietnamese seamstresses, oral histories, the gift exchange, the great book exchange with N, connecting with old dear friends and subs, mom peeling my pomelos, guavas, and persimmons, Mom and her Tom Ford sunglasses, L and her dresses, me and my books, idle chatty L, judgey  me,  cookbooks for x-mas presents,  finding old photos and letters (me and N), revisiting the past to create a future co-creation (with N, AZ, R), family time= equanimity challenge, Coffee Meets Bagel,

 

Wednesday, Jan  1, 2020 4:44pm

 

Dear U,

Happy New Year!

One of my goals this year is to try to write to you daily. That might mean I need to learn how to write in haikus.

10:03pm

So far it’s been a perfect day and start to the new year and decade.

.

I started it with a morning walk to catch the sun, I meditated, did yoga, fully unpacked my luggage, did laundry, tidied up the whole house, caught the sunset.

S3 came over. He pan-seared the steak I got yesterday and showed me how he makes his perfect roasted cauliflower.

.

He told me about this new gal he connected with. It feels like a cosmic connection, their feelings are developing rapidly, he’s questioning and doubting himself and the rapid relationshipping. I gave my advice, to not worry about it too much and just have fun. She sounds cool from everything he’s saying.

He told her about me and our relationship. She seem really cool about it.

He thinks I should meet her. To see if she’s sisterwife material. I think that’s a great idea. I can disarm her if she at all feels threatened and help her see the vision.

.

I  told him about my documentary idea, he loved it. I told him about my pervette plans..

.

Funny how we’re both on dating apps.

.

We make plans..a day of him shooting me at home, an afternoon for bday party invite photoshoot,  a day for podcasting, a day for the start of our sapiosexual porn…

.

My new measureable goal is onboarding 250 members on to the 2nd level of pervette, which is the no paywall membership level.

And have 33 of those members submit their writing/story/question on pervette..

.

Which means I need to truly launch pervette by next week, before I take off for LA.

All of a sudden there’s a lit to do in a  short period of time. But I think I can do it  all..

.

I’ve been running on very little sleep, and waking up super alert, and I have a ton of energy.

.

After our dinner, S3’s new gal came over to pick him, up, as soon as she parked and texted him, the power went out.

I invited her in the dark. Then the power came back on. As we were touring the house the power went out again. I’ve never experienced a power outage in the dark like this. I tihnk it has something to do with her electromagnetic field.

.

I like her. I like how S3’s dreams are coming true.

 

Okay, it’s 11:18pm, I need to create the Colette media page on pervette.. And then I will have accomplished my 4 pillars of a perfect day, meditating, playing (being active), eating well and consciously and pervetting..

.

 

2:00am

I’m up late every night now, and I wake up about the same time, 8 or 9am..

Who needs sleep when I can pervette?

.

Thursday,  Jan 2, 2020 10:33am

 

Dear  U,

I went to bed at 4am and woke up at 8am. I’m not getting that much sleep, but it seems like I don’t need it. I feel so charged and energized and my mind is flowing with next steps.

.

I went for a jog, meditated, received clear visions of me reaching out to my heroines and asking them to be a part of pervette.

.

Questions/prompts for my podcast interviews are coming to me.

.

I also see very clearly what I need to do with Pervette. I need to build a playground for everyone to play in. I’m creating a safe space for everyone to express themselves.. That is my first goal.

.

Something unusual is definitely happening within me. I’m not sure how it is that I’m running on little sleep and food. I have this charge  and energy that feels unreal, and kinda messianic. This brings me back to my high school valedictorian days. But it’s way different now. Back then the way I was pushing myself felt like punishment and torture. Now this ability to go to the extreme feels fluid and easeful. I feel like I’m being guided.

.

My new pink Poketo Concept Planner is also working its magic on me. The way I’m using the annually, monthly, and weekly calendar. I’m finally planning, reverse engineering, considering all the steps and things to do. It’s a little insane what I want to accomplish by my birthday.

There’s this quality that I’m engaging with my planner, using the new watercolor pencils and paintbrush. I’m drawing and coloring, this is new..

I love opening this planner, I love writing in it, planning is now a joy. I  love recording my days and moods in it, I love painting the sun or clouds in the day boxes of the monthly overview. I love that I can both plan, record, and make art in it. Oh  and also I love the size, it feels like a substantial book in my hands.

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I’m so grateful that P got this for me this past Monday, the day I left LA, 2 days before the new decade.

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I’m going to treasure this concept planner. Through it, I can plan my year, and all that I want to accomplish..

 

11:44am

I’m sweating under my arms (am I in ketosis?) and checking things off my to do list rapidly.  Where  is all this energy coming from? I feel like I can take on anything and connect with everybody..

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6:49pm

Packed day. L and her new beau the aerialist came over. He’s in town from Costa Rica. We jumped on the silk, he showed me some new moves, and we did some fun tricks with me holding on to his hands and ankles as he’s hanging above.

While they were there, I had my coaching meeting with Z, we celebrated my breakthroughs, I’m social again, and enjoying the process.

They helped me work through my hesitation with asking for help from my colleagues in signal bosting pervette.

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L showed me how to use Instagram IGTV  and story.

As soon  as they ook off, P2 arrived to pick up Cutie. We had a nice little visit, talking about Gil Fronsdal, right speech, pervette contributors, Agnes Varda’s new and last film..

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Now I’m off to S3’s place to meet up with him, his new gal , and G, who is in town and I want to connect with..

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I  talked to P earlier, he’s planning on going to Aspen this Sunday through Thursday  with his new sugarbaby. I’m happy for him.

And it also makes everything easier for me in terms of meeting with all these dating app guys.  The  happier and more fulfilled he is, the more supportive he is of what I’m doing..

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S3’s gal, L and J all had the cold and were coughing it up in the house. I need to make sure I don’t get sick.. I can’t afford to.

I might need more sleep.

Okay, gotta head out..

 

Friday, Jan 3, 2020  12:28pm

 

Dear U,

I was feeling the slightest bit run down on the way to S3’s last night. I told myself  I’ll only stay till 10. So I can finally be in bed by midnight and get more than 4 hours of sleep. But I ended up staying till 2, got into bed around 4 am buzzing with energy.  I woke up at 8, but thank goodness my body allowed me to sleep in till 10.

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Something is definitely going on. I feel cosmically aligned.

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It’s crazy how  I’ve been thinking about reaching out to MP ever since the documentary idea. How would I be able to reach her? She’s huge.

Then at S3’s, I saw G, I haven’t seen her in over a year. We met in Tulum, or in a cuddle party post Tulum? She shadowed my session with P2.

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She  told me about her new job, helping MP build her new company.

WHAT??

I told her about my documentary idea and how I’ve been thinking about MP  ever since. She tells me to email her my pitch and she’ll pass it along to MP.

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DInner was yummy. I so connected with S3’s new gal, I tink we were soulmates finally reconnected in this lifetime. She helps businesses scale but she wants to do meaningful work. I told her I want to work with me as soon as Pervette can make money..

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It was a magical evening, S3, me, J, and G. All in the hot tub. I ask what everyone’s 2020 goals were.  G says she wants to build a tribe filled with trust and love, she confided in us that she’s still reeling from a guy whom she fell so deep for in Oct, and then he ghosted on her. As she described the situation more over the next few hours, we saw that she dating an avoidant covert narcissist who was gaslighting her. All these new concepts opened her eyes and helped her see what was really going on. And within a few hours, she was able to see that he doesn’t deserve her love and devotion..

I love solving heartache problems.

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2020 has been amazing so far. I’m engaging with the world in a w ay that is surprisingly revitalizing. All this social-ness would’ve scared me even  a month ago. It would feel draining. Now it’s invigorating.

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I feel like I’m guided by spirits, telling me exactly where to be, who to see and what to do.

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And guess what? I think I can launch Pervette by the 10th of this month. That’s a week from now..

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Saturday, Jan 4, 2020 11:11pm

 

Dear U,

I had a long day in the city..

What makes a day magical is how I couldn’t really plan for how it unfolded..

It would take forever for me to describe to you the string of events that happened that led to its unfolding, which is really the magical part, so all  I can give you is the events slightly decontextualized of its happenstance nature

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I saw A before my string of dates. We had 45 minutes. I  gave him his new years presents, a book entitled “You Will Be  Able to Draw By the  End o f this Book”, a portable fancy watercolor set, a black pocketbook notepad for drawing and watercolors and some pens from Top Drawer, which he loved. I thought it would help with his goal of wanting to learn how to draw.

In return he gave me my present, his cock. I wasn’t expecting it since we didn’t have time, I was aware that I was going to be late to my first date, but I didn’t mind..

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Oh shoot, I switched iphones and I am looged out of my burner phone app, Hushed, now I can’t tell B that I’m running late..

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Founder of a startup, tall, cute, and sweet. He got me my golden milk latte at Samovar, and went for a walk through the mission and Dolores Park. He was quire nervous as he had no idea what to expect, I mean  I didn’t show my face in my profile, and I had the craziest profile, was it too good to be true. He thought he was being catfished..

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I enjoyed our walk and talk, he asked about open relationships…

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2nd date, he got me my rooibos tea at FAye’s Cafe.

Russian accent, interesting. We perused the film selection in the back. He thinks I’m a film buff. It was probably because I pointed out my favorite Pasolini film (Salo), talked about Tarkovsky and French New Wave. And Antonioni.

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I could feel my energy and attnention being depleted, he’s a social violator. Doesn’t abide by the Gricean Maxims of COnversation. But I did learn about his dating app strategies and what he learned. Pictures are everything..

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Back to Samovar, meet with N. I  haven’t seen him in years. SO funny how he reached out today, and I was thinking of him..and the string of events happened so that we can meet up last minute like this..

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We caught up over tea and Topo Chico at his place. And our conversation  was so stimulating, I love how intellectual he gets.. me.

I had to go pee, I drank a  ton of tea.

He asked if he can be my toilet.

WHy not?

He got what he  asked for, the flood dose. A gallon of my piss, he drank it all up.

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Back home, I saw P2 had visited Cutie. He left her sitting before a photo of her among the red maple tree leaves..

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I’m trying to write to you everyday now. This is me writing as fast as I can, before I  crash..

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11:33pm Goodnight U

 

 

 

Back to my previous week