Sunday, Dec 16, 2018 5:22pm


Dear U,

It’s been a while.

I need to fill in all the juicy details.

Houston happened.

A pretty crazy amazing sex orgy happened.

I wish it was filmed because it was quite a sight.

8 beautiful women, 3 lucky men.

In a corner unit high rise decked out like a lush rock and roll pad

Every 10 minutes the configuration would change.

Who fucking who

Who sucking who.

I placed a strawberry condom on my Share dildo (if you’re a gal and don’t own one, you must)

And walk up to L, the cute blond, who was on the sheepskin rug, on all fours, getting fucked by B, the girl who was supposed to get gangbanged.

My cock tastes like strawberry. Do you want to try? I ask her.

She nods and opens her pretty mouth and takes my big black cock.


I thought I was staring into the eyes of God when I was going so deep into, R, this brown-haired girl who says he’s been looking for a woman to be her aggressor.


Friday was a slow home coming.


Saturday started restlessly, but then eased its way to mindfulness.

I caught the 4:20 matinee showing of Roma with P2 and P3.

I cleaned.



Sunday, today, has been the most mindful day I’ve had since the silent retreat.

I feel like I’m on retreat.

Cleaning, walking, sitting meditations.

Moving slowly and mindfully.

I don’t feel like talking.

Or eating.


To my surprise, the skin on the bottoms of my toes are peeling and underneath is this baby soft skin. It’s so tender I can feel the ground beneath my feet in this entirely different way.


I was in such a present trance that reading Godard’s Histoire du Cinema didn’t feel quite right. I need to read a certain book that won’t break my mindfulness.

Something told me to go for a walk.

So I did. It was gray and lovely.

Chilly but not too cold.

When I got back, something told me all morning to check the mail.

There are books in there waiting for me.


There was a ton of mail and 6 books in the mailbox.

I went in and started going through the mail and opening up the packages:

The Art of Living 

Living an examined Life

A Rulebook for Arguments

How to Argue and Win Every Time

The Timothy Leary Project 


Dipa Ma


Oh right, this was right after I got back from Tahoe and wanted to structure my line of reasoning to A as to why I should be his guide for relationships, his in between lover.


Dipa Ma called to me. It was the book M recommended to me the night before she left for Myanmar to become a nun.


Now I’m almost halfway through.


From these accounts of enlightenment that I’m reading, I’m realizing that I might possibly be reaching these very initial stages of enlightenment from my last 2 retreats.


But it was this last retreat that has created some shift in my body.

I now know when my body wants to do nothing but sit.

Meditation comes spontaneously to me now.

I feel like I’m a child moving slowly experiencing the world and my body with curiosity.


One advice to you is that you must try this.

Go on retreat.

It will change your mind.

It will change your life.


What I read: Dipa Ma: The Life and Legacy of a Buddhist Master

What I put inside me: acv, lemon water (yellow), nibble of a chocolate mushroom (brown), sweet potatoes sliced and roasted (orange and purple), sauteed kale and a soft boiled edd (green, white, yellow). I read somewhere you’re supposed to eat the colors of a rainbow

Monday, Dec 17, 2018 10:17am


Dear U,

It’s been a mindful morning.

I went for a meditation walk.

Everything was technicolor green after the rain. The sunlight was bouncing off the leaves and grass, everything was wet and glistening.


Something happened last night. While I was reading Dipa Ma on the biomat, I felt the desire to sit and meditate.

Maybe it was the biomat but my body started to heat up, to an unbearable degree. I had to get up and sit on yhe sheepskin in front of the altar.

I was feeling quite overwhelmed by the heat. I was also feeling nauseous.

I read an account in the book who a practitioner was feeling like they were having a fever and Dipa Ma told them to just note it.

The candle by Guanyin went out. Sit I lit another. Moving very very slowly and mindfully since I was feeling quite queasy.

I couldn’t sit up anymore.

So I laid on the sheepskin by Guanyin’s altar, lit by the candle, listening to the rain.

I wish I had the strength then to sit up and brave through it.

All I could do was lay there.

I drifted into sleep.


Something powerful happened.

Holding that book,

Reading those words,


I received a transmission.


All I know is that I need to practice.

Make every moment my practice into mindfulness.


I am so inspired by Dipa Ma.

To be a source of lovingkindness

To be likelight

Always giving

Always bright,


When I say her name, I get the chills, I can feel her.


Funny how I thought yesterday was my pervetting day


Is today the day?


I feel incredibly mindful.

Still moving slowly.


The sun is out.

It was bright and golden this morning.

It’s shining through the kitchen skylight

Right on my head

As I write to you.


I need to get to A6, the gal who wrote to me..


I wonder if today is the day when the words for the new beginning will come to me.

I opened up an old weathered hardcover copy of The Annotated Alice.


Some things are very clear to me right now,

I am the in between.

I’m here to guide people through transitions.



I was so mindful until I got a phone call.

I felt the animosity coming through the line.

I saw the reason she was looking for to be upset with me.

I told her she was in my prayers and meditation this morning, which was all true.

I’m looking forward to that time when we can sit dow and talk and make things right.

Somehow it ended with me yelling

I swear to god on my mom’s grave, I didn’t mean to open your fucking mail! It was an accident!


Then I called P.

He can feel that something was terribly off.

He has the emotional capacity, warmth and empathy now to calm me.

You know this is all on her, right? he says.

I know.

She’s just trying to make you the bad guy.

I know.

Do you want me to talk to her?

What would you say?

He says something pretty aggro and offensive to make me laugh.

No don’t do that Mupps, I say, laughing, quickly snapping out of it,


I like how I can shake it off now, the unpleasant emotions. It took about 5 minutes to get back to normal self, and see that everything, even the unpleasant is an opportunity to learn and be better.


We talked about our journey.

P says he gets it now

All the work I’ve been doing on my self these past 3 years

To find my voice

To prepare me to do the work on Pervette

He finally sees it,

Because he’s now doing that work himself and seeing how it’s all paying off

He’s become magnetic, I told him.

I’m so happy that he gets it.

For years, he thought I was lazy and had some impediment on never fully launching Pervette.

Now he understands..


He said something that stuck with me. He said he was having a conversation with someone about our open relationship. They ask how would he feel if I found someone else that I wanted to be with.

He said it would probably hurt but he would be happy for me because he now has the confidence in himself that he too can find someone whom he can be happy with after me.

I was blown away by this.

I love our love.

How fearless it is.


What an interesting day.



Back on track.


Before the unpleasant call, I had a call with J, debriefing our sex orgy night.

I said I felt bad because I actually didn’t give B the gangbang she wanted.

I got distracted fucking all the girls (including her).

J said I shouldn’t feel bad, it was amazing, and it’s all a learning experience.


Then we started planning out the next adventure, the actual gangbang.

I said the ratio should be reversed, mostly men.

All cocks centered around B.

Who are the guys? he asks.

I said same guys as last time. I can bring in my partner who’s a great stunt cock and a friend of mine, tall asian guy who’s had lots of experiences in gangbangs.

We can add L, her girl/friend (that I also fucked) that’s pretty down.

L, is pretty dirty, J says, I have an idea.


She can be the fluffer.

Omg, that’s a great idea!

He says he wants to come out to his partner about his kink, he can’t hide it anymore.

Are you thinking come out to her, and if she’s not cool with it, then it’s time to move on.


That’s great. I fully support that.

From what I heard of her (from him and A4, his best friend) she sounds judgmental and emotionally abusive.

I think, after this past week (the Tony Robbins seminar plus orgy) he’s finally ready to make a bold change in his life. One that makes him a person of integrity.



The sky goes from bright and blue to gray.

Should I go out and catch the last of the light?

I think I might skip yoga and just do aerial.



So I skipped yoga, and just did aerial. And it was great.

My favorite thing is to get just slightly high on Level’s Viper Cookies on my way to class.

And when we start to warm up and stretch it feels amazing.

I like how the class in the winter starts with the teacher playing Blur’s Song 2 and us dancing/moving and every time a Woohoo comes on we do a headstand, or at least an attempt at one.

We worked on the double trapeze and silk today. There were some new faces in class. I like how every class the group is slightly different.

I like watching this new but advanced short Asian girl move. She’s been doing this for a while it seem.

It seems like I need to do a lot of training and contortion if I want to to look slightly graceful and awesome doing this.


I don’t know what’s going on, over the weekend I had no appetite. Now today I can’t stop eating. The cheese I bought at the farmer’s market on Saturday, I ate all of it today. A whole wedge of cheese and a jar of briney sheep milk cheese. I feel like I can continue eating. But it’s 9 now, I should stop.


I remember when I was in Vietnam this past March, this very flamboyant transexual psychic told me I will experience deep sadness three times in my life.

One will be over my love.

Another will be over something.

And the third will be the betrayal of a friend.


I thought the third one was strange, I can’t imagine any friend of mine betraying me.

And now I see, she was right.

But I don’t know if I’m deeply sad. Definitely dismayed.


I realize now that I can be quite gullible at times.

I remember a few friends of mine pointing out earlier that something was off. I would defend her, and now I see their spidey sense was right.


I lost my mindful trance in the afternoon. I’m more sped up now.

Can’t stop eating.


Curious how the day I learned and practiced my first metta (lovingkindness) meditation was the day I lost my temper and raised my voice.


What I put inside me: acv, lemon water (yellow), nibble/microdose of chocolate mushroom (brown), green smoothie I made (green)  walnuts (brown), half a sweet potato sliced and roasted (orange), a wedge of Weirbach Farms sheep milk St. Rose cheese with a pink lady apple (yellow and pink), a yummy mixed greens salad with nastutiums, egg, avocado, walnuts, goat cheese, diced apples (green, white, yellow, brown, pink), a while jar of Weirbach Farms Briney sheep milk cheese (so yummy ) and fuji apple, more green smoothie, sauerkraut

Tuesday, Dec 18, 2018, 8:44am

Dear U,

Wow. I feel really sped up and have tons of energy today.

It’s crazy how dramatic the shift is from Saturday/Sunday, the slow monk mode weekend, to today. I feel like I’m ready to write and roll.

Just read my Rob Brezsny horoscope:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Many people in Iceland write poems, but
only a few publish them. There’s even a term for those who put their
creations away in a drawer rather than seeking an audience: *skúffuskáld*,
literally translated as “drawer-poet.” Is there a comparable phenomenon in
your life, Aquarius? Do you produce some good thing but never share it?
Is there a part of you that you’re proud of but keep secret? Is there an
aspect of your ongoing adventures that’s meaningful but mostly private?
If so, 2019 will be the year you might want to change your mind about it.




The kitchen, round table, and moon room is kinda a crazy mess.

It only takes preparing 2 meals to turn the kitchen into a mupp explosion.


B2 is coming over today at 11:33am

Gotta shower and tidy up I guess.

But all I want to do is write.



I like how as P is growing into his higher self, becoming this magnetic person, going out, being hyper social and experiencing synchronicities and amazing connections, meanwhile I’m in monk mode.


I see how fast he’s evolving, it’s insane.

And right now he’s in that blissed out state of enjoying the fruits of his labor.


When I was going through that very shift a few years ago, P wasn’t able to share that excitement with me. From an outsider looking in, it just looks like hyper positive mania. I’m happy that I can share that excitement with him now.

He’s excited, what does the future hold? What will it look like one year from now? he wonders.

As he’s going through this shift, he’s been profusive in gratitude towards me and our relationship.

He keeps on saying, I love you. I’m so happy I have you as my main mupp in this journey.

We both know that we’re each other’s catalyst for for our evolution.

I know there’s no way I could’ve gotten here without him.


Without a doubt, I know he’s my soulmate, my twin flame.

These past 5 years have been such a crazy ride of hyper change and growth.

I have experienced the most intense suffering as well as the most ecstatic joy and everything in between.


Like the skin off the bottom of my feet, we’re shedding our old layers

And ways of being


We can barely define who we are now


Relationships, it’s all about relationships

To yourself

With each other

Everything comes back to learning how to be in relationship




Sunday/Monday, the skin on my left foot was slowly shedding, like a snake.

One toe at a time, I can tear through the flesh of my skin like latex, and slowly peel it off. And underneath was my new pink flesh, soft like baby skin.

For a trichotillomaniac, this was pure pleasure.

There’s always this slight fear that I will peel too far and take my actual new tender flesh off. So I go slow and peel as the dead skin allows me to.

Today, the skin of my right toes are giving way to new flesh underneath. I peel back the layers.


This and everything is a metaphor.


B2 arrives. I make us a salad.

I tell him I’m into nutrient dense food ever since my silent meditation retreat.

He says he’s all about decadent and indulgent food.

Why is this always about him?


He says he knows he’s prone to not use superlatives.

I add that he also never really agrees with what anyone says.

He always has to add a caveat.

This drives me crazy, I tell him.


I give him a notebook I got from Japan and am Ohto (japanese) pen. I tell him his task is to write on the top of each page what he wants to do in his lifetime and below that he lists out the things he needs to do in order to accomplish that.

He says he no aspirations, he’s pretty content.

Is it just me or is he a total contrarian?


He says life is good except for the he doesn’t know what he wants to do for work. He’s been on a time-off for the past 3 years. People are giving him a funny look when he tells them what’s been doing (or not doing).


He has to go pickup his kids, he says before he leaves he needs to give me something, he brings in 4 white pots of white orchids in from his car, in each pot is a candy cane with a red bow. Now I know why he’s dressed in all white (pants, shirt, coat, hat) with just a red ribbon wrapped around his fedora).

He always matches.


He gives me a bar of 70% cacao mint dark chocolate made by Letterpress, shibari wrapped in red twine.


After he takes off, P calls. He says he had a good but uncomfortable lunch.

What happened? I ask.

H had lunch with one of his Seeking Arrangement chicks to tell her about the new him that doesn’t pay for it anymore.

He saw her jaw stiffen. She was very disappointed and somewhat upset.

She tried to convince him to not go cold turkey, maybe she can be the last SA chick that he helps with money.

She’s an aspiring actress from Canada trying to make it in LA. I suspect he’s paying for her flights to and from Canada. I’m curious but didn’t ask what exactly was their arrangement before he broke it off at lunch today.

He mentioned something about her mentioning that she hung out with Elon Musk, Grimes and something Parker (the guy who created myspace) this past Saturday. She doesn’t want to ask her rich friends for money, but she wants to ask it from him. He says that one remark validates why he doesn’t want to pay for it anymore.

He has to run he’s at his acupuncture appt.


It was such a sunny afternoon, I wanted to go outside and bask in it. But I also wanted to stay in and work on Pervette.


So I turned on the volcano. Smoked a bag of Jack Frost. It’s been a long while since I smoked flower.


I pull out the notebook I got at the art supply store Saturday and I start writing/mapping out out out B2’s unique qualities..

thoughtful curator, sensual, foodie, indulgent, lavish decadence, photographer, creative, kinky, trixkster, playful, pushing/testing one’s ownlimits, architect, rope bondage, layering/juxtaposition, fashion, eye for beauty, fine details/refined

Then I start connecting them.

And from there I wrote on the margins

You were meant to be a creative artist who creates and curates beautiful, thoughtful sensual experiences.

You are a playful designer who knows how to layer beauty and truth in fine sensual detail.


I had an idea to write an email saying that I want to employ him to be a part of the pervette team. In the beginning he will be paid in hugs and words of encouragement.


I then started to map out what Pervette is..

(I’ll take a picture of it and paste it here)


The cannabis is making this map making fun


I inhale the chocolate bar B2 gave me.


Weird how I was an ascetic monk over the weekend, I had no appetite and wanted to move slowly

And now I”m sped up

And I can’t stop

with the chocolate and cheese

And the cannabis and mushroom


Yesterday S texted saying I should read this book he’s reading that his friend, Christopher Ryan, the author of Sex at Dawn, gave to him.

He texts a picture of his hand holding a book, Finite and Infinite Games

I text him back a picture of me holding that same book and reply, I’m reading that right now, it was also recommended to me by a friend.

Finite and Infinite Games has been with me for the past week since I got it (even brought it with me to Houston). I’ve been reading it on and off since I got it.

After I finished Dipa Ma on Sunday, I thought I would tear through that book yesterday.

Anyways, it’s all a sign that I’m on the right path and that I should read it.

So I read and work on Pervette.


Oh shit. Maybe the hello video page should have a different beginning with more text/choices…

P texts, I’m looking at you mupps.

He sends me a screencap of the Choose your own Adventure page of Pervette wirth my in the background.


He sends me another screencap of a Error 404 page

He texts, Or not.


It’s the you wrote to me page, it has a broken link.

I fix it.

I text him, The whole beginning is going to change..


I call P up, he’s giving me the real time blow by blow of his experience on Pervette


The mobile version doesn’t work at all.

As soon as I lock down the beginning, I can work on the mobile version.

You’re always working on the beginning.


Oh that’s annoying, every time you go back to the hello page, you have to wait for it to load again.


That’s cool there’s a Where Am I? page because that’s definitely how I feel, but that kinda goes to nowhere


He sounds confused and disoriented by his experience.


He lands on the meta page

Words, words , words, he says..


Oh hey you fixed the broken link, that was super fast!

The one positive sounding thing he’s said so far.


Umm..It’s definitely not like any other site, Mupps.

I know, I’m just making the dots right now. I know it doesn’t seem to make any sense.

Uh huh..


I’m aware that it’s kinda all over the place, but to hear him go through it is a little disheartening.


I don’t even know how to explain my process

Iterative, is all I can say.


Getting closer, is how I feel.

But on the face of it, it makes no sense..


what am i doing?


How is this nonsense going to change consciousness?


I feel like a crazy person. With this crazy idea. And what I have to show doesn’t quite add up to the vision in my mind.


Uh yeah..


Why do I always feel so close to something?


Reading Finite and Infinite Games right now.

It’s good, and getting my wheels turning..

What I put inside me: acv, lemon eater, green smoothie mushroom chocolate, salad I made for me and B2, Istata cheese and fuji apple, a whole bar of mint chocolate, tons of tea, more green smoothie, a kale, mushroom and carrot stirfry, more green smoothie (I feel gluttonous, the chocolate, cheese and cannabis is what did it)

What I’m reading: Finite and Infinite Games


Wednesday, Dec 19, 2018 9:22pm


Dear U,

In my dream I was printing out assignments from class for someone. I printed out a large closeup of my boob.

I woke up knowing that I definitely need to change the text and branch out on the second page, the hello video.

I write out my morning pages..what are people looking for when they com to pervette?

To learn how to let go

To find their power

To find love/to get intimate

To change their mind


For sure I know the domme and sub path are key


Going back to my map I made yesterday for ideas..


Telly our story

To find your path


I just said a prayer.

Right before it

I blurted out, I opened up my home to you.

And now you’re upset because I accidentally opened up your bank card mail?


Yeah, I’m still feeling something.

I have such mixed feelings.

She was a friend

In need

And what I gave,

my home

my car,

my best efforts

I realize

was not

and never will be



Was she really my friend?

Or was it all a

Just to



That’s what I’m questioning


Lots on my mind


I just took a pill, a concoction from a psychonaut friend,

a microdose of mushroom and lion’s mane

In the past it definitely felt more than a mircodose..

We’ll see…


My relationship to pervette is this strange child.

I love her, I know she has potential.

But right now she’s just going through her awkward phase

Where nobody gets her.

Except for me.


I know she’s on to something

Right now

It just looks like mind vomit

I feel queasy looking back

On what I created

And put out there


It makes me uncomfortable.

Maybe I should pause everything.

Keep pervette closed.

I don’t know.


I know what’s going to happen with the pervette journal.

I will go back,

clean it up.

And add





And finally

all the juicy details.

This will a very intimate path into me.


There’s a part of me that’s still holding back.

If I make this a next next level path.

I won’t hold back.



I feel restless and scattered.

I listen to Gil Fronsdal talk about Right Effort and Desire

I close my 80 opened tabs

I couldn’t sit still to meditate

I picked up and opened a few books (choose your own adventure, writings from zen masters) in the library

I started editing the snow angel video

I boil some water

I was going to make a pot of tea but upon picking up the glass tea pot, I hit the tip of the spout on my pyrex cup and broke the spout. I can’t find all the glass pieces.

I think the breaking of glass was a way to break through the tension

That’s what Z told me. When you break it, thank it.

Thank you teapot.

May I break through…


Thanks teapot.

I just Amazoned another one of you.

And while I was at it, I got You by Caroline Kepnes

It was #1 on the Goodreads list of books in 2nd person

Which was a tab I opened months ago and just closed 20 minutes ago


I vacillated,

New copy Amazon prime delivery by Friday for $12.80

Or used good condition copy from Goodwill for $6 (after shipping) and receive by Jan 7


I opt for the former

I’ll get my teapot and book at the same time.


Meanwhile I’m having my brain tea in my cast iron teapot ( I got in Japan)

and there’s still broken glass somewhere in the kitchen

Don’t worry

I’m wearing house slippers


It’s a strange uncomfortable place

On the edge of something


I want to give you what you want

And what I know


Just replaced the 3rd page with a placeholder

Going nowhere fast


I feel better


No more embarrassing words

for now


Just gonna make you wait for it

While I figure it out myself




After I last wrote to you


I called P, he suggests I create Pervette withe just one person in mind, instead of the the world.

He read my mind because I was thinking I would think about A, the love addict, as I start my new beginning. Writing and shaping the Domme Guide with her in mind..


Then I went for a walk to my tree

And did DMT.


The DMT seed was planted earlier when I picked up the book Follow For Now and read the interview with Terence McKenna and he talked about DMT


I was also on Erowhid


It was exactly what I needed in the magic hour.


Walk in the woods & dmt is a great combination.


When I got back I got the mail.

Another book arrived

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody

I crack it open and read the Forward


P2 comes over.

He’s in a very positive mood, which I greatly appreciated.

He was still in his painter’s uniform.

He showered.

And we caught the sunset. Me him and Cutie.

He gave me a present as the sun was about to set.

Inside a fancy gold box was a pin with Cutie in it.

His friend, W, made 2 pins, so he gave me the other one.

I put it on my hoodie.

Cutie pins, what a great idea.


I made us a cauliflower, carrot and broccoli stir-fry.


We talked about Cutie, and what her open arms mean.

And Dipa Ma.

And the phone call from what sounded like a bitter ex.


He has bad news,  he knows my dad is a Trump supporter, but Trump wants to send back Vietnamese refugees from the 70’s, for now just the ones who have been convicted of crimes.

He thinks Satan exists in the form of Trump.


I take off for my session. P2 gets started on his chores, sweeping, folding laundry and bringing the trash bins in,


I head to the dungeon. S2 arrives with a giant bad of freshly picked meyer lemons, a giant bag of raw almonds, a jar of pickled asparagus, cherries pickled in grand marnier and grey goose, and giant bag of red walnuts. He cracks one open and pulls out the red walnut half for me. Being OCD, I’m pretty sure his fingers have touched the intercom button and door handle to enter the building, but I can’t think of a way to communicate my OCDness so I eat the walnut and trust my immune system to do its job.

He cracks open the Rombauer, cougar juice as we call it.


I try out new vibrator, the Zumio, as S2 watches me. It feels pretty intense and kinda amazing on my clit.



Friday, Dec 21, 2018


What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, green smoothie and plantain pancake P and I made together, walnuts and urban remedy bar in the road trip, mushroom tofu stirfry and P’s yellow curry with jasmine rice (I had order’s remorse), 2 1/2 insane buttery yummy dinner rolls, minestrone soup, fuyu and hachiya persimmon, roasted cauliflower and a cheese plate 2 kinds of goat cheese and brillat savarin and some toast, dried persimmon, a nibble of P’s last of strawbs desert, Billy’s walk (a post ranch inn special blend tea) and chamomile tisane at Post Ranch Inn


Saturday, Dec 22, 2018 8:55am

Monterey, CA


Dear U,

A lot has happened.

With me and P.


I’m getting ready right now.

I think we’re about to go skydiving.

It wasn’t my idea.


Saturday, Dec 22, 2018


What I put inside me: lemon water, a nibble of P’s bacon, a tiny piece of croissant dunked in P’s latte at the hotel restaurant, Urban Remedy cacao chip bar as I was doing the paperwork at the SkyDive Monterey Bay, Bigelow mint tea at Coffee Mia’s in Monterey, DMT with P as we stole a moment in the SUV, spring rolls and pho tai and an egg roll at Noodle Bar (pretty decent for packed hole in the wall vietnamesey), Paleo Puffs and green smoothie in the hotel room; bacon and egg salad, nibble of P’s 48 hour bacon and salmon, smoked bacon wrapped shrimp, sustainable king salmon, risotto, baked tomato sauce, and If You’re Not Into Yoga cocktail at Montrio Bistro (pretty yummy food and cocktail)



Back to my previous week