Sunday, December 2, 2018 10:44am

Tahoe

 

Dear U,

I finally have the energy and time to write to you. It’s been a very eventful couple of days.

I’m here in A’s giant house by Lake Tahoe, sitting at the end of his dining room table. There’s snow outside. And Cutie by my side. And my lemon water, and 2 cups of tea, a glass of water, my recorder, my morning pages notebook, my mini Guanyin altar, 4 books, some chocolate mushroom, of which I had a teensy bite of.

Now I feel ready to write to you.

A took off for snowboarding this morning. He’ll be gone for the half-day. I had the option of coming along and learn how to snowboard. But I hung back. Because that would be a lot right now. And I just want this time to myself, so I can do my thing and write to you. I have so much to tell you, it’s all been swimming in my head waiting for my fingertips to touch these keys.

It’s almost as though I need to be alone to tell you everything.

.

I woke up around 7 this morning.

Unlike the previous night before (where I was up till 2:30am in a trance meditating and up by 6) I got a good night’s rest.

I’m very sensitive to context. It always takes me a day for my body to get comfortable in a new space.

.

Oh shit, A’s already back. H texted 10 min ago, asking me to turn on the oven to 400. And now he’s here, making eggs and bacon.

.

Okay he’s outside and just hopped in the hot tub. I’m somewhat alone. But not really. Will I be able to write to you in the same time a few minutes ago? I’m so sensitive to energy.

.

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell your sexually frustrated/confused lover (because I’ms ending him mixed messages) that you had an amazing masturbation sesh while he was gone.

But it was the truth.

Masturtation I should call it. Masturbating, meditating, masturbating, coming so hard, multiple times. It was crazy. I felt like myself again afterwards. Manically energized.

.

Btw the sounds I make when I masturbate are the best. I think that’s a good thing, no one makes me comes the way I do. I don’t think I like it that way. I know how to satiate myself best.

.

I just took some 22 reishi, albizia shen flower to elevate my current mood.

Something about his energy is throwing mine off.

I think what it is, is that we’re finally spending more time than a romantic evening together. I’m seeing more aspects of him than the one who if fully focused and engaged with me. He’s doing his thing, working on this house, not fully engaging with me. He’s not all smiles and love-bombing me.

Now I’m disenchanted. He’s no longer the perfect prince charming in my mind. The prince charming in my my mind is actually no good. It sets me up for disappointment every time.

 

So maybe this is it. The end of the prince charming that comes from out of nowhere and swoops you off your feet. I mean I know they don’t exist (like that). But somehow I did believe for a good minute that A was perfect. He was the final illusion.

Now it’s fully fully dispelled for good. I hope.

.

I do believe that there is no such thing as a self-made prince charming. There is only the woman-made prince charming. What I mean is that it takes a woman to teach a man how to be the man of a woman’s dreams. Period.

.

I say that because I see that transformation happening with P.

How when we first met, he was this autistic new money techie with no social awareness and hyper low E.Q.

And now he’s becoming this incredibly thoughtful, super sensitive, and emotionally aware man, quite possibly of my dreams.

But it took a good 5 years of us working on ourselves through each other to get to this point.

.

Do I see what my mind is doing?

Lover vs. Partner

My mind /ego is always playing a game of comparison.

.

A is back from his soak, pulling his bacon of the oven. Will my writing to you shift now that his energy is in the room?

.

Anyways, it’s not that I don’t think A is not perfect anymore. I think he still is to some degree, objectively, wait. No one can be perfect, objectively, can they?

Nevermind. He’s not.

But anyways, it’s just that I am becoming aware of the illusions I had about him. I mean, prior to this trip, we’ve only had, what? maybe 11-17 evenings together, at most. I took those lovebomb-infested evenings were very narrow datapoints of his personality, of which I conflated to some projection of how it would be when I’m with him for days, weeks, months, years, a lifetime.

And now that I’ve been with him for 36 hours, I now know, what I saw is just a slice of prolly the best of him.

.

A is having his eggs and bacon in the breakfast nook. I wonder if I should come over and chat with him, or let him enjoy his breakfast alone as I write to you?

.

I can’t tell if his quietness is just him being him or is he too disenchanted with me and just wants to be alone now.

I mean I’m sure we both want our alone time. That’s a perfectly normal and healthy thing.

.

This feels like a different way of being with him, having not showered and put on my face.

.

Last night he said we should check in today to see how we feel about taking off this evening or staying a day longer. This morning I was 100% sure I wanted another evening. Leaving tonight would feel too short, slightly truncated.

But right now as I’m sitting here with this strange energy around me, I don’t know anymore.

.

I had this higdea come to me when I was masturbating this morning. That later this afternoon around the magic hour I want to do DMT outside in the snow, and then strip naked do a snow angel in the snow, then run and jump in the hot tub.

I was going to propose my idea to A. He can join me if he wants, or he can film me doing the naked snow angel with his new drone.

It’s 11:44am.

I think I feel the mushrooms. I feel hesitant to propose my idea to A. I mean I will eventually. But is it just me (yes it’s just me) but I feel anxiety. How does he experience me?

Is he getting sick of me? Is that why he’s so silent. I mean I am too. We’re both doing our own thing right now in the same space, not really acknowledging each other’s presence. Which is fucking weird.  Is this how he acts normally with girls he’s with? It feels incredibly unsettling. Especially after a night of fucking and being pretty connected.

I mean I am also slightly high on this chocolate mushroom nibble I had so that can amplify any fuzzy feeling I have right now.

I dunno.

I feel so much right now. I’m so glad I’m writing to you right now in real time.

It’s taking away the anxiety. A little.

It feels good to express what’s inside…

.

How was breakfast? I ask. Or lunch, I guess.

Breakfast for lunch was good, he replies.

End of conversation.

I continue writing to you.

.

What’s crazy is how quickly these feelings and emotions rapidly change.

I mean last night when we were fucking, I was in ecstasy.

30 minutes before that, I was annoyed as fuck that he plays his music all the time, and while he was in the shower (getting ready for me?) I was sitting in the living room listening to some really shitty song wishing that I had his phone so I can turn it off.

2 hours before when we were putting art up on the walls, I was lethargic and ready for bed.

Then we had Honey Mama’s and some berries and I was fine again.

An hour before that when we having our yummy dinner which he cooked on the grill, I was in monk mode and couldn’t even talk.

An hour before that when I was in a deep trance meditating in the hot tub looking out into the snow covered field. Tears flowed, I was in a cathartic bliss, thanking the universe for being here, in Tahoe, on earth, in everything.

An hour before that, he was in the hot tub with me caressing my clit to ecstasy.

Before that we were kids having a snow fight.

.

It keeps on going, every hour, my mood and feelings shift like the weather, or even more rapidly. It’s slightly dizzying.

 

12:34pm

 

When A was laying on the carpet, by the windows, staring at the ceiling, I asked if I can join. He said of course (or yes or sure).

We laid side by side with enough space so that our elbows weren’t touching as we both had our hands behind our heads.

After a minute I asked if we can have a meta discussion. He said sure. Smiling, I think this “meta discussion” proposal seems novel to him.

It took me a moment to to put together the thoughts and words. But I asked, What is his experience of this weekend?

I went on to say since we’ve only spent short evenings together, I don’t know how to interpret the silence in between. I said I can’t tell if this is normal or if he’s tired of having me around.

He says his aloofness is totally normal and he’s not even 1% tired of or annoyed with me. He’s just been in hyper project mode with this house (that he just got this year).

Oh phew. So as I kinda thought, it was all in my head. And what he said was kinda what I thought. But man, those seeds of doubt can proliferate so fast and it has this way of gripping my feelings and emotions.

 

I told him my DMT snow angel idea.  He liked it, I think. I gave him his options, of either joining me or filming me, he didn’t say which appealed to him, knowing him, I’m guessing he’s not going to join me but film me.

.

He said about leaving, he thinks we should leave this evening, he implemented some big changes in his company on Friday, and it seem like the right thing to do to be there Monday. His decision kinda took the wind out of my sail. I told him that I did think another evening would make the trip feel less truncated and I did have a preference for it since it’s only today that I feel like I’m fully acclimated and I have my energy back. He agrees, he says for our next trip here he’ll plan for a 3 day weekend.

But in all honesty, I’m good now and happy with the idea of leaving tonight. That way I can have a full day tomorrow to focus on pervette.

.

Then he asked for relationship advice. His ex called yesterday and texted him today, wanting to get brunch next weekend to talk about their past relationship. He tells me they’ve done this 3 times already and he doesn’t want to do it anymore, how should he reply.

I told him to say..

I’d love to help you process, but I don’t have the bandwidth right now. I’ll let you know when I’m ready.

He thought it was perfect.

And then I never text her again because I’ll never be ready, he says.

Yeah, exactly.

.

And so I’m writing to you, A is across the dining room table, on his macbook too, we’re both doing our thing. And I feel back to normal, baseline kinda amazing. My gosh, I’m so glad I’m capturing this in real time. How erratic my mind works.

It’s so good to have (seemingly uncomfortable) conversations involving some vulnerable expression of our feelings. Just that one conversation and now I’m all good again.

.

(The next part is written 2 days later)

 

What I put inside me: alkaline water, lemon water, magic tea, green tea (I got from Tokyo last year), a nibble of chocolate mushroom, a few sweet potato and pasnip chips I roasted (most of them got burnt so I only had a handful), walnuts, Honest Jackson sweet potato chips, brebouillaise (sp?) triple creme sheeps milk cheese on slices on forelle pear, DMT, more walnuts, few mango chunks, paleo puffs, 1 cheeto that A got from the gas station and had me eat to compare how much better it was than my paleo puffs (they were both not that great), 3-4 In and Out fries, and a 2 bites of A’s cheeseburger with grilled onions, a piece of Honey Mama’s,

Monday, December, 3, 2018 2:33pm

Berkeley

 

Dear U,

I’m back home, on the biomat. My feet are fucked. I think I got ice burn from doing those naked snow angels (as you can see above). I think it was worth it. I got a good drone video from it.

.

I somehow thought I was going to dive strait into pervette today. But I didn’t. I’ve been thinking a lot, my mind has been spinning in loops actually, and saying out loud to the air what I want to say to A. As a way to help him wake up.

Maybe I’ll just write it out…

.

I’m feeling pretty low energy, might just be a day of rest..

3:55pm

 

I took a medi-nap. Mediatated and fell asleep into a nap, with the hazy gray light coming through the glass door.

.

I feel too tired to share with you everything. But I want to.

.

I’ve gone through so many emotions and moods with him in the 48 hours I’ve been with him. And then last night after he dropped me off , I became restless. My mind started putting together all the pieces of the weekend like a jigsaw puzzle.

.

I think it’s actually perfect that A wants to get married, be a dad and settle down and yet he right now he’s not equipped to be a dad or husband.

That’s his journey.

To learn how to be in relationship. To learn how to be be in touch with his emotions.

.

He lacks a emotional tonality in his lexicon. Emotionally mute, for sure. Maybe emotionally tone-deaf.

.

He thinks that when I claim that he’s not open, I’m talking about him not being open to doing drugs with me or being in an open relationship. But I’m not talking about that. It’s his energy that’s not open to newness.

He doesn’t like that he’s afraid, but he is afraid of what he doesn’t know. He always leads, he’s always in control. Therefore he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know.

.

 

On the ride to Tahoe, when we talk about his desires to find someone to settle down with and start a family, he says glibly, jokingly, that he has to find someone because I won’t have a kid with him.

There were 5 rooms for me to choose from, he said I can stay in any room, including his, so I chose the 2nd master bedroom. On the ride back, he said he didn’t know what to make of that. At In and Out, I told him that I thought we both like sleeping alone and wasn’t he telling me on the ride over that he was upset with some girl he slept with in Tahoe for wanting to sleep in his bed with him. He said it’s because she was a random girl.

.

It’s a gray day, my energy is low, my mind is finally calming down not needing to talk to A in my head about all the blindspots that I see.

.

It’s 4:20 where did the day go? I morning pagesed, I talked to P, I made a salad and ate it. I read my susan miller horoscope, I wrote one email, I listened to my radio interview

I listened to the audio reading for class. I mediated laying down and took a nap.

I really wanted to work on pervette today, but I was too drained.

.

P and I chatted he said it’s okay, I need a recovery day after my 2 days with A.

.

When P and I chatted, I told him how my feet were fucked. We laugh at how I constantly have some issue with my body.

Oh you’re crippled? Does that mean you can’t run away?

Uh huh.

Oh yeah, that means I get to rape you.

It’s a running joke, P has a cripple fetish.

And I like playing the cripple.

.

 

.

A is a classic love avoidant, P says.

I was a project on his to do list.

We fucked. Check.

Then on to his house project.

.

But I wasn’t a very easy conquest, this time.

I’m in monk mode. I don’t need sex.

He made all the moves. it was very apparent.

I went along just to see. It felt nice.

But I made no effort to really reciprocate. Just a slight touch..

I was in full receiving mode.

Maybe I was the selfish lover.

Maybe it annoyed him that I didn’t feel like choking on his cock.

.

P and I have this thing, we love psychoanalyzing people. It’s like a pastime for us.

.

Build a mega successful company.

Now deal with new house, property rental.

.

Go go go.. Add more giant projects

.

The woman that you want to be the mother of your child is not attracted to the current version of you, is what I would say to my love avoidant lover.

 

.

A always his wit and humor to skirt around emotions that he doesn’t want to feel.

His lack of empathy and inability to be in touch with his emotions and hold another’s emotions

Will spell doom in every relationship

.

I think he keeps on thinking that the next girl will be different and she might be the one he can settle down with.

I think he thinks that he’s learning something from each of his failed relationships, what he wants and doesn’t want in a partner.

Yes, the next girl is different from the last, and the last girl has a totally different personality from the previous girl.

It’s different this time, he thinks.

But the thing it’s not about the girl, it’s about him.

He’s not different from one relationship to the next. He hasn’t changed himself. Therefore he will perpetuate the cycle, over and over and over again.

Love avoidant guy attracts love addict girl. Lovebombs her to death.

Gets bored and pulls back.

Love addict girl gets triggered and clings harder.

Love avoidant feels suffocated and cuts it off, claiming she was the problem.

He will attract another love addict.

And the cycle repeats itself.

.

 

 

 

 

He laughs at what I told A, You’d make a terrible dad.

He says what’s up with me always wanting a dad and attracting guys that are emotionally inept and kinda autistic, like my dad. I says I know.

.

P said that in his 20’s he said that he was attracting love addicts because that was the energy that he was putting out there. He thinks that’s prolly what A is doing too.

.

I asked P how did he begin his healing process?

Tokyo, Me, plant medicine, Santa Monica, changed his diet, our Burning Man trip, doing crazy research reading everything on ADD, relationships..

.

 

Talking to P, reflecting on what Burning Man did for him, how he was getting more emotional, and started crying more.

.

P is now a veritable dispenser of love advice.

.

P has a way of seeking the truth.

And speaking the truth.

.

You can’t try to wake people up.

.

It’s funny how I’m attracted to emotionally inept CEO’s. What does that say about me?

.

It’s funny how I was concerned how this weekend with A would affect my relationship with P. In the past my time with A would hurt it severely, P would passive aggressively lash out in some indirect way. Now it’s like the opposite, this weekend only made my bond with P even stronger, I tell P how much I appreciate him and all the amazing work he’s done on himself so that he’s the emotionally attuned man that he is now.

.

It’s so surprising how I was so off about A. I thought he had a high E.Q. But really he just has mad skills in charming the pants off a girl, and somehow I interpreted that as being sensitive and self aware. False signs.

.

My body is in a cleansing mode today. Not hungry, just want more liquids.

.

I thought it was a non productive day, but talking and connecting with P was actually very fruitful. Should go back to Track #54 to listen to our conversation.

.

I’m hobbling around. Walking very gingerly and slowly. It’s like the most painful walking meditation ever.

.

9:44pm

 

I had P2 come over, he cradles Cutie in his arms as we catch up, I ask what can he glean from my journaling.

He says my moods were all over the place.

Yes. It was.

It was insane how all over the place it was.

If I think about it, Saturday was pretty great.

It was really Sunday that his energy shifted. From hot to cold.

It’s interesting for me to track all the parts of me that came out. I felt like there was the child me, the non-binary monk mode me, the paranoid love addict me, the wild woman who doesn’t give a fuck me, the messiah me, the chill whatevs me, the analytical let’s talk about our feelings me..

.

I showed P2 the drone video of me on DMT doing snow angels and running around naked, he could barely enjoy its aesthetics because he felt anxious for me the whole time. It’s kinda crazy how long I stayed out in the snow. No wonder my feet are fucked.

P2 chauffeured me to M’s house, he hung out with Cutie and read her some Sylvia Plath poetry as I pick out the photos from our photoshoot this past Wednesday for him to edit and he gave me a tutorial on how to cut me/objects out of pictures in photoshop. There was foottball on TV in the living room Paul was hanging out in. He let Cutie watch some of it, he said she seem as bored as he was.

On the drive back we drove down a festive street in Alameda where every house was decorated with x-mas lights. Cutie was into it.

.

I’m home now, I can hear the eucalyptus trees blowing in the wind.

.

Give me a month of listening to me. I’ll tell you everything you need to work on.

.

Yes I see his flaws. But do I see my ego talking too?

.

Oh shit, as I play it back from his perspective, maybe monk mode me was really throwing him off.

I guess me meditating can be a sign of me being aloof.

And he started being aloof too.

And then I played aloof.

And then it continues.

.

I have this weird feeling, that Sunday would’ve played out differently if I just went into his room in the morning while he was still in bed and snuggled with him, like I wanted to, but I held back because I didn’t want to appear needy.

.

I listened to the recordings of my myself talking to imaginary A last night. Telling him what’s what.

I can hear my ego talking.

That’s when I realize. Wait.

Has my ego been talking this whole time?

Because we all know

The ego is crazy biased.

 

.

11:33pm

 

Oh wow. As I rewind again. I can see how it all played out in the way that it did. And how I contributed to its breakdown as well.

To some degree I was subconsciously mindfucking him.

I mean after we fucked, I did say I didn’t think we were gonna have sex.

To some degree it was true.

I thought he was seeing a very jealous 24 year old in Ecuador. And he was going to be faithful to her.

But what he interpreted from me saying that was that I didn’t want too fuck him.

.

Interesting in the car ride over, I gleaned that he wanted his own bedroom.

And he gleaned that I was in monk mode which meant, Leave me alone.

And Friday night I did say that now that I’m in monk mode I don’t have the desire for sex anymore.

.

We made assumptions about the other and acted on what we thought was happening. There was no clear communication. No shared reality.

.

Do I regret the crosstalk?

It’s hard to say.

I mean things felt weird, I felt weird. The trip ended on a strange note.

Maybe I was being too much of a spiritualist meditating around him all the time. We didn’t even meditate together.

Well, except for that one time

A suggested

we do a laying meditation

In my bed

With our clothes off

Touching each other.

Except for that time.

 

.

Wow. I’m seeing how I created this friction and tension. It’s nuts.

It’s not all him, and his issues, as I painted it to be. It’s me too.

.

Our egos were doing a face-off.

.

Oh shit. I was being weird.

.

We were both in the hot tub. I went out. I stayed in for another hour. He poked his head out. I said I’ll be out soon. He said take your time. He’s going to start dinner in 30. I stayed in for another hour meditating.

My extra long hot tub soak. That was probably annoying. That was the beginning of the breakdown.

I felt the shift in energy after that.

.

And all of my talk above about him being not perfect, was that my ego talking?

But there’s truth in it.

.

I mean no regrets. We were dancing to a different song. And didn’t even know it.

.

It’s almost midnight, I have yet to start my reading for class tomorrow. With my jacked up feet I don’t know if I can even make it to class.

Maybe I already made up my mind I’m not going to class.

I just want to stay up and stream my consciousness. Me solving the weekend puzzle, to death.

.

Meta pop up moment, it’s crazy how my mind can do these mental proliferations on how flawed and wounded A is. That went on for 24 hours strait.

Then an a-ha. Or oh shit.

It’s me too. I’m flawed.

Maybe I was trying to play it too cool.

.

If I think about what he said in the car ride home,

I thought monk mode for you meant, Leave me alone.

That explains everything.

.

He was trying to leave me alone.

But then he triggered me.

And somehow we kinda spiraled.

There was no going back.

Two can play this avoidant game.

I see now.

.

I spent 90% of the day laying on the biomat today.  All my brain energy was used to think about what happened.

Waste of time. Or not.

Not. Because I learned a lot about myself.

And how my mind works.

Thank god, I caught myself.

.

I was sending mixed messages.

But he was also subconsciously gaslighting me when he said his aloof behavior was normal.

Only because he didn’t know how to express his feelings.

.

I wonder if we’ll have a chance to do a do over in the future?

I know better now.

No more assumptions and

Snow is no joke.

But hey

Sometimes you can’t learn

Without getting burned

.

1:01am
While brushing my teeth, I had a realization:
This was all perfect.
If I hadn’t got this ice burn, I wouldn’t be laying and sitting around on the biomat all day, doing nothing, but thinking, about what happened. Dissecting it to death.
Which lead to multiple levels of analysis:
His flaws.
Add how I can help him see his blindspots.
.
Words exchanged.
Assumptions that were made.
And the very particular points in which a shared reality was lost.
.
And how I played a part in it all.
I mean I do have a thing for fucking with people’s egos.
.
And now this.
A plan.
I’ll edit the photos of the rooms I took. Email them to him.
Text him that photos were sent. And say
Looking back, I did some reflecting and traced all the misstep/crosstalk and the assumptions that were made and the moments when a shared reality was lost. And I just want to say, Holy fuck, I’m so sorry. I can see how my behavior and words can lead you to think why my “monk mode” would translate into leave me alone. I think we were both playing a delicate dance trying not to overstep the other’s boundaries.
.
An apology, acknowledging my faults, I think that’s a pretty good recovery.
Much better than my idea this morning of writing a letter to him  listing all his character flaws, and how I would be happy to help him work though these “issues” to help prepare him to be an “effective” husband and dad in his next relationship.
I mean that sounds pretty fucking condescending don’t you think?
.
I know. Fucking ego. Gets me all the time.
.
But it was a good thing that it wasn’t an all romantic weekend. I got to see the other side of A, the aloof side. More data points. That led me to the answer to his question:
What’s your ideal version of our relationship?
Before the weekend, I had no ideal version. I was happy with what it was or wasn’t, I’ll see him when I see him, which is once a season at this rate.
But after this strange weekend,  I now have an ideal version…
To be in his “in-between lover,” and guide him though all the self work he needs to put him for his next relationship, to help him get in touch with his emotions and to develop the skills to be in the best position possible to start a family (i.e., have a fruitful and enduring relationship).

.

And also, the way P and I connected on the phone today. Me telling him how my weekend with A really made me appreciate him (P) even more, and how I think P is years ahead of A in E.Q. All of this will makes P not feel threatened by A anymore. Because I used to subtly frame or do things that would make P feel threatened by A.

Like that one time I had unprotected anal sex with A.

.

In a way, its all working out as it should. The bonding I had with P today was priceless, and our newfound connection may allow me to actually be A’s-in between lover at some point.

.

Wow. All of this speaks to the power of journaling (to you).

I wouldn’t have arrived at these realizations and proposed resolutions without writing it all out.

.

Anyways, I’m no longer giving myself a guilt trip for not being productive on pervette today. This was very productive.

I know myself a little bit more.

.

And besides thinking about relationship is never really a waste of time.

Every moment affords us an opportunity to learn something new about us, and the other. And how we relate to each other.

If we look carefully.

.

No time is wasted when thinking about relationships.

Because I’m all about relationships.

Because everything

Is all about relationships.

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon water, tea, nibble of chocolate mushroom, a yummy salad I made with the leftover spinach I had with A on Friday night, pistachios, egg, avocado, pieces of the pink lady apple A got at Safeway, goat chevre, sweet potato chips. I had no appetite today.

 

Tuesday, Dec 4, 2018 11:33am

 

Dear U,

I sent this email out last night:

Hi D,

I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it to class today. I was in Tahoe this weekend and got ice burn on my feet. Moving around right now is pretty difficult 🙁
But I hope to be back on my feet (literally) next week.
Enjoy class today!
.
I got to sleep in till 9. Lay around in bed stare at Cutie. I feel completely different about A this morning than I did yesterday morning. Maybe because last light I had a breakthrough and saw the assumptions I made and the missteps I took this past weekend. It wasn’t all him, it was me too.
I want to see A and tell him what I know now. Just to make things right, bring clarity and learn from our experience.
.
I got up and wrote out my morning pages. In it I wrote out the made a list of things to do the next time we’re in Tahoe (if there is a next):
1. Share our Life Goals notebooks
2. Improv
3. Watch the 9/11 Back to the Future youtube video
4. Have more naked time (turn up the heat so we’re not so bundled up in our layers)
5. Meditate together
6. Bring Plant Paradox cookbook
.
I realize a lot of my mis actions this week stem from me being cautious around him. I think I still have wounds from over a decade ago when we were together (for a minute). And how I felt rejected by him. Of course, this is all me. It was a felt rejection. He did nothing really.
.
It’s nice to know that instead of being in my Buddhist class, I’m at home masturbating.
I came.
Felt amazing.
.
My feet are much better today than yesterday. They’re not puffy, just red and tender. Maybe all the sleep helped.
.
Instead of walking hard on my heels, since it’s my toes and the front pads that are tender, I’m walking slow on all pads of my feet. It’s a forced walking meditation. I kinda like it.
.
Yesterday. I pulled out two fresh notebooks from my notebook collection. I found a green one to write my goals in life.
And a yellow one for my morning pages.
In the green one, I opened up to the 3rd page, at the top, I write:
END SUFFERING
and put a box around it.
I could list all the other things I want to do.
Start an all girl band
Start a clothing line
Make art in every medium
But somehow the structure felt too linear and not connected. I think it all stems from END SUFFERING.
.
I found my old large pad of vellum paper behind my giant Nemo in Slumberland book. Here I can map it out dendritically (like a tree).
.
I had a really good dream about me being in some neat museum like space with friends and I was given some time to pick out the books I need, I had a stack of 10-12.
.
I unwrapped the books I brought to Tahoe that I wrapped in japanese cloth.
I had brought, Reality Hunger, Mary Oliver’s House of Light, and Impro. I should’ve read Impro with A. We could’ve improved together. That would’ve been a good way to connect and help him get in touch with his emotions in a fun way.
.
I started thinking about the curriculum of helping A develop the skills to bein relationship.
On the 7 page of the green notebook at the top, I wrote
HELP (male symbol) BE WITH (female symbol)
.
That common refrain I had in my head yesterday.
I’m all about relationships.
.
To end suffering, I create a guide to living that’s structured like this:
Relationship to Self
Relationship to Other
      Men’s guide to relating to women
      Women’s guide to relating men
.
I just Amazoned three books:
A  Rulebook for Arguments
How to Argue and Win Every Time
Living an Examined Life
The first two nooks are inspired by my night with A watching Youtibe videos of Ben Shapiro, Christopher Hitchens, and Sam Harris debating. That’s what A binge watches on Youtube.
I figure if I’m going to to teach him a thing or two about relationships, I need to speak his language, Logic.
.
I feel so alert and ready to Pervette today. I see now, a full day of rest and unwinding yesterday prepared me for today.
And also a full day of grappling with my thoughts, emotions, etc about the weekend and journaling about to you helped me reach this nice conclusion
And now my head is clear to be creative.
12:44pm
I’m going back and forth between the round table writing to you and reading Impro  and being at P’s desk in the Library mapping out my tree and reading Ken Wilbur’s The Integral System.
.
It’s 12:55pm, it just started to rain.
.
4:04pm
Wow. Maybe it’s the Susan Miller horoscope saying this is the month I get kinda social. But I just created a page with almost of the messages written to me through pervette
In time I’m going to respond to all of them on that page.
I’m feeling ambitious..
.
Made a salad for dinner. It was pretty yummy and satisfying.
Afterwards I was in a mood to meditate. I can feel it in my body now. It’s a feeling like I have no energy to do anything but sit and close my eyes.
I sat before Guanyin and meditated.
After my last retreat, my meditation sits feel so good now. I can feel my body twitching into relaxation.
.
When I was done, A had texted.
And so did D
.
Tons of friends are reaching out.
And I actually feel like reaching back.
.
I talked  to D, we finally connected after a half a year of trying and missing. I blame me and my monk mode.
She made a request for my birthday party. In addition to our giant pile of coke I usually have, can we also have ketemine as well?
YES! I said, that’s a great idea.
.
She broke up with her trans husband. It started when she was hooking up with a bu guy on Fire Island. She thinks non monogamy is not any different than being queer.
I think that might be true.
.
Just talked to L. He’s convincing me to come out to Houston with him next Thursday. His friend, whom I met the last last time I was in NY, wants me to help curate a play party for his lover’s birthday.
.
As I was texting A back, P texted
What’s going on on your phone mupps (winky face)
He can see me through the security camera
I put the phone down like deer in headlights , the camera swivels and follows me as I walk towards the landline phone. I call P.
Just talked to Z. She told me how she worked on the 2008 decriminalizing prostitution law thing. She’s been meeting with a politician and they’re talking about putting that on the ballot for 2019 or 2020. She would love to organize a get together and asked if I would be open to hosting that gathering.
I said for sure. I got chills when she was talking. This feels so right.
I told her that the gals should wear lace veils and we should document this piece of history.
What a great idea, she said, lace veils are so much more compact and less cumbersome than red umbrellas.
Yeah, and you can do it indoors and it won’t be bad luck
.
She’s coming out of her sabbatical and starting up work again as an escort. She stopped years ago after a brutal assault.
I’m so happy for her. She says she needs someone to snap a few photos for her, I told her I’d be happy to.
We started talking logistics. Dates, she was thinking Feb. I said that’s perfect, it’s right around my birthday and the birthday of pervette.
I told her I’ll reach out to some subs to help with catering.
She’s going to buy a rose gold microphone and give out lavender rose satchels.
We need a few good hastags, she says.
We’re getting excited as we plan for it.
I was massaging my feet as we talked. It’s getting back to normal.
.
Today feels like a turning point day. Maybe I’m finally coming out of monk mode..
.
What I put inside me: lemon water, paleo puffs, the hachiya persimmon from the IRC retreat center’s tree, a well-dressed salad with pistachios, goat chevre, egg, and avocado, Honey Mama’s peppermint bar, a piece of Urban Remedy’s Sun Square, 1/2 of Lulu’s Chocolate

 

Wednesday, December 5, 2018 11:33am

 

Dear You,

I’ve been eating less and masturbating more these days. My body feels amazing. I think this is actually how we’re supposed to be. But the default is eat more pleasure less.

Orgasms should be a staple to every woman’s diet.

But like everything, don’t overdo it.

I mean don’t spend the whole day in bed masturbating, just 15-25 minutes.

.

I woke up with a ton of energy to pervette. I masturbated, morning pages, then went to the you wrote to me page, I started replying to the first message, which led to the creation of another page in the domme guide

I like how your questions are becoming content for pervette. I know where to go, what to create, by giving you what you need.

.

Yesterday was the beginning of Pervette becoming interactive. It’s a subtle milestone.

.

A texted me, last night aroundmidnight

Omg, nest cam footage!

And with audio.

He sends me a link. It’s me doing the naked snow angel and this time you can hear me screaming.

Oh wha? Amazing. More proof that I’m kinda batshit crazy, I text A.

Or a total badass, A replies.

.

Funny how yesterday I had the desire to see him, get naked and process last weekend. I’m glad I didn’t propose dates. I rather wait for him to make the call. If it doesn’t happen, it’s cool. The urgency is gone.

.

I chatted with J about the sex party he wants me to consult for. He was about to board his flight, so it was hard for him to describe the details. He wants to do something fun for his lover’s birthday. She did something nice for him 2 weeks ago that he can’t go into right now, unless he wants to scandalize the person sitting next to him.

She’s into group scenes. There’ll be 7 women, 3 men. A said you’d be the perfect person to consult with for these type of things, J said.

So she’s down for a gangbang? I ask.

Yes.

Awesome. So all the girls will bring their strap-ons.

Yeah.

Cool. Is she down for it to be filmed, if we all wear lace veils? (I’m always angling for that)

I think that would be hot and she would be into it.

Will there be drugs? Like coke or ketemine?

I have G and Molly.

That’s good. Yeah. That sounds like fun. I think I can do it.

Amazing. It’ll be so great to have you there.

.

I text A4, it’s time to make our veils.

.

I ate too much coconut oil. I slathered dollops of it on my yucan crackers along with some MCT oil and sea salt. I feel queasy.

P was having coffee with his nutritionist/friend, J. I asked P to ask J what he think I should do. He said eat dandelions or have some dandelion tea so my gall bladder can break down the fat.

Thank god I have dandelion tea.

I feel better now.

.

My feet feels like it’s 90 %  back to normal. I tihnk the Boiron calendula gel worked along with the acupressure ring I slid up and down each toe.  It just feels tingly when I walk, which kinda feels nice. I kinda love these 24-48 hours of being “not fully well” and then getting better. It makes me appreciate my healthy body  when all is well again.

And oddly enough I feel like it’s every other week that I have some body issue come up.

.

I need to shower and tidy up this house before P gets back.

 

 

6:24pm

 

Dear U,

So I showered and fully unpacked my Tahoe suitcase. Figure P didn’t need to see that lying around.

Somehow I got lost in the tidying up and time got away from me. When I had looked up from the dishes it was 3:11 and P was landing at JetSuiteX at 3:25. Eep. Then he texted, he just landed. I called him to let him know I fucked up, I’m still at home. He says no worries, wanna meet at Belcampo?

I said sure. I threw the laundry in the dryer, put on some pants and rushed out the door. Going 83 mph and listening to Monica’s Don’t Take It Personal, it wa son the radio. Love that junior high throwback.

I arrived at Belcampo at 3:40. Just as I got in, P was settling down into a booth. He had just arrived half a minute ago. Which is crazy because I was pretty certain that he was much closer to Belcampo from OAK than I was.

We both got the steak carottes.

.

What kind of herbal tea do you have?

We have jasmine green tea, says the server.

That’s not herbal, but I’ll take it.

Oh it’s not?

No, jasmine green tea is caffeinated tea leaves, herbal has no caffeine.

Oh I should know that, the server said as he was looking very sheepish.

It’s cool. You learned something new.

.

P was wound up, upset that there was some botch in his best friend’s prenup and now his reprehensible ex wife is going to end up with 2/3’s of his assets.

.

P told me about his morning. How he had coffee with this cycling instructor, had her over to his place, made her breakfast, smoked DMT with her and laid her down on the biomat. Her mind was blown, he says. He said he stopped short of making out with her.

He says Neil’s guide doesn’t really talk much about this point where if he doesn’t make a move, does that mean he’ll end up in the friend zone.

What would you like to happen? I ask.

I dunno. She’s white, cute enough. I like wooing her. And this is good practice for me, doing something different than throwing money at the girl.

.

P comments on the Asian girls one booth over, how one of them doesn’t know how to use a fork.

Maybe the way you hold a fork is like how you hold a pen, I suggest.

.

When the Asian girls got up and left, P gave them the once over twice as he was sipping on his iced tea, they looked at him looking at them.

My god, you’re so obvious, it’s crazy, I said.

Yeah, I’m the white guy with the Asian girl staring at the Asian girls.

Oh boy.

If you weren’t here, I would totally open up the set.

Open up the set?

That’s a pickup term.

What would you do?

He tries to put on a strait face then he looks at me with intense eyes and starts talking..

I’m about to meet up with a friend, but I just want to get your opinion on something. I’m ordering a sweater for my neice’s x-mas present. I think she’s somewhere between a medium and a small but I don’t want to offend her by getting her a medium if she thinks she’s a small, but a small might be too small for her. What do you think I should do?

Hmm interesting. You say you’re meeting with a friend but there’s no friend coming, isn’t that a lie?

Well, in this situation I would say something else.

Yeah, it’s tricky, it’s easy for it to sound scripted.

That’s the art.

.

P realized he forgot to bring the bootle of acid for his fried, L.

I think we have an unused bottle at home from Burning Man, unless it’s in Santa Monica.

.

His friend, J, is having some gathering with live music at his place in Nob Hill, I opt out, I’m antsy to work on Pervette. We drive back to Mupp HQ for him to drop off his luggage and see if the acid is there.

On the ride back I tell him that I said yes to J, A’s friend, to be a consultant for his lover’s gangbang next week.

Gangbang consultant, he says, that’s an awesome title.

He says he’s feeling a tinge of something. He thinks it has something to do with last year’s Tulum trip, how I ran off and did 2CB with A and C1 and had a threesome with them. It’s an inclusive/exclusive thing. And he felt excluded.

I told him that the threesome happened after he opted to go to bed and I stayed out. As in he had a choice, he could’ve stayed out with me.

That detail didn’t help. I told him I get it. I totally understand how he feels, how this gangbacg has a negative anchor point from Tulum.

I told him that I had a thought earlier of asking J if I can bring him along, since there’s only 3 guys there and 7 girls.

P says that’s thoughtful of me, but he doesn’t want to be a tagalong.

.

What he brings up is valid, there’s been a history of me and P going into something as a couple. And somehow in a time apart mingling with others, I end up saying yes to 2CB or ketemine or moonrocks and P feels excluded from the party.

.

He says talking about this now makes him feel better.

So how does the gangbang sit with him now.

He says even though he feels something. He doesn’t want to say no I shouldn’t do it because that’s not congruent with our values and he wouldn’t want me to say no to him doing something like that in the future.

That’s on you, that’s on me to work through this, he says.

Thanks Mupps, I appreciate how you’re approaching this. And how you’re able to articulate your feelings.

Yeah, thanks Mupps. Besides you’re just organizing the gangbang, it’s not like you’re getting gangbanged like last time.

Oh yeah, well last time I was organizing a gangbang too, but the gangbangee had a UTI so I ended up getting gangbanged. Yeah totally different.

I pointed out the interesting parallel, how this time 3 years ago, while he went to Cabo with L, an SA chick, I was here organizing that gangbang I got gangbanged in. And here we are now, he just went to Cabo with another gal and I’m organizing another gangbang.

3 years ago, we were still kids navigating this rocky terrain and it was so rocky. We kept on triggering each other. And there were so many times we were gonna throw in the towel. And now we’re approaching this as mature adults who can communicate their feelings.

I’m so grateful for how we far we’ve come.

.

I talk with P about what my rate should be for gangbang consultant.

I fly out to Houston at 2pm Thursday, I get back to SFO around 2pm Friday.

2500?

.

We got home, I looked in the library, we have 2 half bottles of acid and a tin of acid mints but no full bottle.

Oh well, no acid for L this time. P takes off and here I am writing to you.

.

Do you have an ottoman big enough for her to be on all fours on it? I text J.

I have a big lucite table that I think would work for that.

That should work, we just need something soft for her knees.

We can use towels. Was thinking rubber sheets for the bed..what do you think?

That would be fun, we can get her all lubed up 😉

So..she’s never been DP’ed but definitely wants to do it..

With 10 people there she’s definitely gonna be airtight. Do you think she’ll be down for anal in a group setting?

Yes. Definitely. But she’s super tight so need to go slow and carefully.

Does she know what’s happening? If so it might be good for you to tell her to start training her hole now.

.

I really do enjoy planning gangbangs. Especially talking shop/logistics with other dudes like I’m a dude who’s also totally into objectifying women.

Because I am a dude (trapped in a woman’s body and totally loving it) and I do love objectifying women who are into being objectified.

.

L texted, sating she might be in SF this weekend if so can she stat with me.

I said, Yesss of course.

L is just the cutest lil minx in the world. I have a huge crush on her. Her staying with me is kinda a lot for me coming out of monk mode and I already have something planned with S on Saturday night.

Then D2 my ex wants to hang, I said Tuesday night would work.

Then A4 can meet Monday night to work on the veils.

Jesus, my dance card is getting crazy full.

Susan Miller did say this is my social month, and I should be saying yes to it all. It does feel like some shift is happening within me. Before it was a biolgocal imperative to say no to everybody. And now not so much, anymore.

But I do need time to work on Pervette.

Today I can see how I’m gonna change things up on the Choose your own adventure page.

.

When I got home, I got another Ask Me Anything from a girl who’s lost her confidence in an open relationship and wants to become a dominatrix.

All these women writing to me is really pushing to get going on this Domme Guide.

I love the motivation, it’s what I need.

.

I really do want to go back and clean up all my journaling to you.

It’s sloppy as fuck.

And the filling in with details will be good writing practice to shape it into something with a slight narrative.

.

Good grief there’s so much to do..

 

Thursday, Dec 6, 2018 10:10am

 

Dear U,

It’s so strange. My body tells me when to meditate now. I can be doing something, like writing out my dream in my morning pages this morning, and all of a sudden, my hand slows down, everything feels weighted. And it’s like all I can do is be still. So I went into the orgy room and meditated. It’s so sunny in there. What a bright day.

Then I did a walking meditation to the altar. The new skylight shines a ray of light right onto Guanyin right around 9:44, I knwo then to light a candle and incense, pray and meditate until the incense burns out.

My mind wasn’t fully concentrated this morning. I was thinking about what to order for the gangbang,

3 strap-ons, a variety of dildos, plush black towels

I’ll bring my colored gels and lightbulbs

We should save anal for the end.

But even still, I can feel my breath.

Then I said a prayer to all those who wrote to me.

To A, the gal struggling in her open relationship and wants to be a domme.

I realize I should do this more.

Keep those reaching out to me in my prayer to Guanyin.

In my mind’s eye, I see myself helping them.

.

There’s a new momentum now in Pervette.

The urgency of others needing me.

It’s pushing me.

This is what I need.

This is what they need.

.

(from what I can remember the next day)

.

P wanted to borrow the car to drive into the lab. So I had P2 come over and drive me to the dungeon. I’m going to see a newbie. I can’t remember the last time I saw a new client. He has the same name as P2. My old slave is taking me to see my new sub.

P2 helped set up the dungeon as I got ready. Then he took off with Cutie, babysitting her while I do my session.

.

The newbie was young, younger than me 32.

I haven’t checked my inbox in a while, his email was near the top and his words were sincere. He was in town for a week. He’s been following me for years and he has zero experience. He says, I would like you to be the first dominatrix to break me in so to speak.

And that’s pretty much what I live for.

To be the guide.

.

I also know that the first experience in kink is so important. It can either either turn you on or off to it, it can heal or traumatize, it can be the best or worst experience depending on whom you see and how it compared to the fantasies that were running in your head.

All I knew was that I wanted his first experience to be one that exceeded what he can even imagine.

.

He was nervous when I opened the door and led him through another door, the metal sliding one that led to the dungeon.

He smiled and said I was beautiful.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen someone new that I forgot that there’s always that moment when a new sub sees me he actually gets to see my face for the first time. I see that look on their face, it’s like they found the final jigsaw puzzle piece, the one that clicks everything in. He aligns it with all the photos of mine that he’s seen a nd studied, the ones with my veiled face and he is relieved and happy, that the face he sees in the flesh is still congruent with the face in his mind.

.

I almost forgot how amazing it feels to feast on young fresh blood.

He was naked and spread eagle against the padded wall.

The way he trembled, as I moved closer and he can feel my breath on the back of his neck. I haven’t even touched him and was already in a puddle.

That’s it. That’s the precise moment when the power exchange happens. When I can feel that he is already mine. He surrenders. He gives me power. I can do anything I want to him. And that’s how we both reach our high together.

He took more pain than I thought he would. I think he even surprised himself.

.

The way he collapses, the way he shudders, it’s as though he’s been waiting his whole life to feel this.

Oh god, it’s everything.

.

Everything felt so right from beginning to end, there was a long aftercare.

And then we chatted. He’s a diplomat in between posts right now.

We said goodbye with a hug.

.

That was the session that ended my sabbatical. The whole theme of this week is me coming out of my cave, out of monk mode.

.

I feel different. Even physically. I feel light and clear. Now that my feet is completely healed, just in time to slip into my heels, I feel like I can run a marathon.

.

After my session, P4, was in the dressing room. She apologized for the calendar mixup. We got to chatting, planning to start a band, make music videos, write songs that we can play in our own sessions.

She said it would be amazing if I start getting into music, since I inspire so many, me channeling my creativity into music would be so powerful and inspirational. Her saying that motivates me even more.

I told her I would to have her current music on Pervette.

She wrote a couople of songs about being a domme, one song was about leaving the gates called “burnt out” or “burning out.”

.

P2 arrived to help me clean up and drive me back home. He had an amazing tiem with Cutie. They watched the birds fly by from his window. He’s certain that Cutie is really into birds.

He loves it when he lays down and she sits on his heart. It’s like his heratbeat becomes her heartbeat. I told him that’s one of my favorite things I love to do with Cutie too. Our hearts animate her.

.

P2 asks if we’re still on for our shamantrix DMT sesh. I said yes. He says the timing feels so right with all the change in the air. Especially this whole Tumblr banning porn thing. He feels defeated by it. I tell him it can be a good thing. It can motivate people to create their own platforms.

.

On the ride back I told P2 to not make a right up to the hill but to keep on going down shattuck to see if the farmer’s market is there. There was something about the unexpectedly bright and sunny day, I didn’t want to go home just yet.

The tents were up. I told P2 to pull over to the open parking space to the right. He freaked out, there’s a bus behind us blocking him from parallel parking. I told him it’s cool, just make a right, but then he almost hit a pedestrain he didn’t see on the crosswalk. He said he’s about to have a panic attack. I told him, it’s cool, just drop me off, and he can head to the house with Cutie, there he can do his photoshoot with her then get to his task of excavating the dirt around the back of the hot tub. He thought that was a good plan, I got out. And immediately I felt great. The sun.

I need a basket or a tote bag to hold all the produce I want to get. An African woman was selling woven baskets out of her van. I ask how much. She says 55-65 depending on size. It feels like a lot for a temp bag. I slide into Books, Inc. and found a tote bag that looks like a giant composition notebook. It’s perfect and 18 bucks.

.

I start filling up my bag with broccoli, broccollinni (sp?), carrots, cauliflower, pears, apples, sheepsmilk cheese, walnuts. I head to cheesboard and get more goat and sheepsmilk cheese. I almost forgot how amazing Cheeseboard is. It’s so nicve to be in a place where everyone there is passionate about this one thing: Cheese. And the way they help you find your new cheese.

I got some really yummy stuff. Too bad the cheesehelper had impossible to read handwriting. I can barely make out what he wrote on the paper that wrapped my cheese.

.

Got an uber back. And texted P2 I’m on my way back.

About every Uber or Lyft driver when they keep on driving up the hill comments on the view and how high up we’re going.

Whoa, you’re all the way at the top.

Yeah.

It’s nice out here.

I know. I love it.

.

P2 had an amazing shoot with Cutie, he says the light coming through was amazing.

.

Just as he took off P came home.

We snacked on the cheese I got.

Instead of using the cheese knife, P would ick up the wedge of cheese and bite into it like he was a giant mouse, chomping sound effect and all.

Mupps, can you not do that? I show him how to use the cheese knife. He ignores me and chomps on the cheese again. He’s in a very silly muppety mood. I play the serious mupp.

He had a great day at the lab. He loves how he gets to drop in and be the “fun uncle” while everyone grinds away and is happy to see him, as they make money for him.

.

Aww man, I did it again. I paid for the pound of spring mix and didn’t pack it into my tote bag. I was gonna make a salad too,

So we decide to eat out, I suggest Iyasare. I’m in the mood for something light and japaneset and fish. P thinks it’s far out. I say it’s kinda on the way if we stop by Whole Foods after. P agrees. He calls and makes a resy for 7. It’s 6:19.

He suggests we do DMT. He brought a fresh nee cartridge up for me. God I love him.

.

I just love that I have a main mupp with whom I can do DMT.

And a slave who wants to do it with me.

I think I’m saying all this because I have a lover who doesn’t want to do it with me.

.

We did it in the orgy room. I went deep into a trance. God I love DMT.

P shows me a new way to smoke it through the vape pen by cycling through it.

Then we laid on the biomat. P has been talking about getting a king size biomat. It’s 2K for one, he says. He wants 2. One for here and one for Santa Monica. That way we have 4 biomats for our Aya ceremony.

.

It’s 7. We start rolling out with Cutie. P calls Iyasare to let them know we’ll be late.

4th st is crazy lit up with x-mas lights. It reminds us of Tokyo.

We sat at the bar, our favorite seats in the restaurant. Cutie gets the bar seat next to me. We order the yellowtail crudo, the mushroom skewers and consomme, the broccolini, the fuyu something, the salmon. They each came out one by one, every plate was pretty and dainty. Before our last dish, the salmon, P vacillates and orders the okonomiyaki pancake. Then our salmon comes, P doesn’t like salmon because he thinks it’s too fishy, I told him to give this one a try, he does, and he likes it, the miso really makes it. We were perfectly sated.

Then our pancake came, P takes a bite and is done. I nibble on it a bit.

I can’t remember what our conversation was, but it was good and engaging, that’s what I remember.

Oh something about our Aya ceremony. Who’s in, who else to invite. I suggest D a friend of mine whom I know P isn’t too into but I think she would get a lot out of it, she’s too “crazy” for him I think. He thinks her energy is a little much. I day that’s cool. Since he is making this a gift to me and our friends I want him to feel comfortable with everybody there.

We still need to craft a response to A, the the other Aya ceremonialist that we didn’t go with, he wants to know why we didn’t choose him after he felt we all had a very connected conversation.

Because you’re a dude, with too much ego, and we’re not int NLP, is what I would want to say if I was being direct and blunt.

.

At Whole Foods, P sneakily ran into the bulk bin section. I knew exactly where he was going.

Malt balls. He piled a ton in a bag and started snacking on them.

I play mom, like that doesn’t seem like a good idea. 5 minutes later when we were in the oil and vinegar aisle, stocking up on my favorite balsamic vinegar and coconut oil, he starts whining,

Oh no I don’t feel good.  I think I ate too many malt balls. Oh no, I didn’t see that coming, he cries with his hands on his stomach.

Don’t want to say I told you so..

This is how we are, we switch around playing the child and parent with each other.

$200 worth of groceries are bagged poorly by a food bagger who’s excited that he gets to leave in 20 min and doesn’t have to close.

It’s so sad that people have a job where they’re paid to be there and they don’t’ want to be there, P comments when we’re in the car.

That’s most people.

.

My Spotify Discover Weekly playlist this week is really good.

The Chromatics has an amazing cover of Blue Moon.

Which is one of our favorite songs. Whenever the Elvis Presley version comes on we would sing along, but modify the lyrics to

Main Mupp!

You saw me standing alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a mupp of my own.

(super sad, P would always say)

.

We get home, take off our clothes and jump into bed, it feels too good, we could fall asleep, P is. I gotta put away the goat butter, eggs, urban remedy bars, veggies, etc.

I do.  P falls asleep, not brushing his teeth, after eating all those malt balls.

.

I lay on the biomat and place an order for 20 yards of lace. The fastest delivery is 2 business days. Hopefully it’ll arrive in time for A4 to make the veils before I take off next Thursday for “the gangbang.”

 

Friday, December 7, 2018 8:44pm

 

Dear U,

It’s Friday night. I’m home alone. And so happy I have this time to myself, to write to you.

I remember how back in the day, when I was young and Friday nights would bring this FOMO feeling. Like I should be somewhere, anywhere but home alone. Now it’s the opposite. Friday nights are my nights to myself. I can’t even imagine leaving the comforts of my warm and cozy home.

It’s so crazy how lack of confidence can make you feel like where you are when you’re alone is not where you should be.

That’s what most 20 year olds feel I think.

.

Okay…back to this day…

.

 

I had a really good dream. I wish I can remember all the parts, but I remember the last part. My sister, whose face was fuzzy like a muppet, told me that every year, or month (?), we’re getting closer. Something about her tone and gaze, it was emotional and heart felt. It felt more like my way of talking than hers in real life.

.

P and I woke up around 7.

I went in for a mupp attack, getting tangly with him.

Mupps, you’re not wearing any underwear.

I know it got wet when I was on the biomat last night.

I love our mornings in bed talk. I can’t remember what it was today. But it’s always nice. The way we lay face to face, resting/propping up our heads on one hand.

.

P’s been into rhyming and composing really bad poems.

Your pussy’s juicy,

If there was a wife of a greek god,

Her name would be Zues-sy.

 

He sees me petting Cutie. He grabs her and starts playing with her ears.

Why are her ears down? he asks as he pulls them up.

Because she likes it down. I grab her back and pushes her ears back and down. And besides she looks cuter with them down.

Are you giving Cutie issues about her ears? You think she’s only cute when they’re down.

Noo..

Just because you have body issues doesn’t mean you have to pass them on to her..

Anyways, Mupps, anyways..

.

P asks if I want to join him for morning pages at Baker And Commons, the cafe I introduced him to last week that he likes now. I said sure. I usually would hang back and do my morning thing. But something felt right about joining him.

I packed some sliced lemons and salt, Cutie, the Impro book, my yellow morning pages book in my new composition tote bag.

.

I order my Moroccan mint tea and osme hot water for my lemon water. P gets buttermilk biscuits, poached eggs and bacon. Feels like he’s veering off diet a little.

We plan out our holidays..

Dec 21-23, we spend the weekend with his brother in Monterey, fly down to La on the 23rd, I drive down to the OC on the 24th. He may or may not join me and my family for x-mas. He flies out to ATL on the 26th stays for the giant extended family x-mas reunion. Comes back on Sunday, the 30th. We spend NYE together. I fly back up on the 1st. He flies up on the 2nd. On the evening the 3rd we do our ayahausa ceremony.

.

We talk about our friends. As I’ve mentioned. We love psychoanalyzing our mutual friends. Most of the flaws we see in them are the flaws we recognize in our past selves.

.

P helps me with the latest AMA, from a gal who wants to be a domme bc her boyfriend wants to fuck more confident women.

He writes out some notes.

I say hey, we should totally do this together. I mean we’re in a successful 5 year open relationship and we contemplate about relationships and how they work, a lot. We’re the most well equipped people I know to dispense relationship advice. He agrees. I told him I’d be happy to create a space focus to do that on pervette. P likes that.

.

P checks his crypto. Bitcoin has dropped to 3K. Now he’s finally emitting some remorse for not selling whenit was 20K last year. Instead he HODLed. That cost him many many millions..

I said, don’t worry, when Pervette becomes an empire. I’m going to take care of you.

He smiled.

And you can ride in my pervette jet anytime.

He laughs.

Wouldn’t it be cool to curate orgies on your jet? P visions, For a 100K you can have an orgy on a jet all decked out for orgies curated by Colette.

Last night over dinner and today, P entertains the idea that Pervette can becomes something huge.

So crazy how last Thursday I woke up upset thinking that P doesn’t support me and my pervette vision enough. Then that night he heard me on the radio, and he became enamored by my voice. He sees its power to win people over, or make them “juice their panties” as he’d say, and now he expresses how much he believes in me. He gets it. And oh my god, it means everything.

.

Wouldn’t it be cool to have a Kakimori store in LA? (kakimori is our favorite notebook store in Tokyo where you get to design every aspect of your notebook, the pages, the binding, covers, snaps, everything)

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a really high end coffee shop?

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a Aman like resort but with plant medicine?

P’s been in a very visionary mode lately.

He reminds me of me.

Over the past 5 years, it feels like we’re taking on each other’s best traits.

Like me, he takes vitamins now, he’s into tkaing care of himself,  loves muppety things like stones, nice notebooks and pens, and good books.

Like him, I’ve become more honest and direct.

It almost feels like we’re becoming one mupp

.

It’s so weird. I never thought love can be like this.

How we can change and grow with each other.

.

I mean I can barely my own changes. If I were to record P’s too, I wouldn’t have time in the day to live our ever evolving lives.

.

I can’t tell you amazing it is to see your partner grow before your eyes and become their highest self, to become the man of your dreams.

But of course this only came after many years of trail and error, of being young and immature, and selfish and not knowing ourselves, and hurting each other to protect ourselves, our fragile egos. After so much heartache of being triggered a thousand times over before we grew into ourselves.

My god, the pain, was almost unbearable. But we didn’t run away, like we always did, in the past. We stuck with it, because we knew that there was something here, that maybe it was worth it, to let ourselves get hurt, by each other. We let our buttons get pushed, and with every push and shove we learned something about ourselves.

.

Now here we are, still in love if not more than we first started. I’ve never been here before. Neither has P. It’s such a crazy feeling, to find your twin flame and grow so hard and fast together. It’s so insane. I feel so incredibly lucky. It’s a dream. It’s the most amazing dream possible.

.

Your soulmate isn’t what you imagine them to be. They’re not the perfect one in your fantasies. They’re perfectly flawed just for you. And if you can accept them for who they are and where they’re at in their journey. If you can let their flaws push your buttons to help you learn about your flaws, then that’s how you know, this is why you’re with them. To go through this, to know yourself. To see your blindspots through their eyes. This is the point of being in relationship.

.

I’m glad P is copying me and journaling now and doing morning pages. In his own way, he’s documenting his day to day. One day we’ll put this all together.

And holy fuck, I have almost all our conversations recorded. I know I’m biased, this is all subjective, but I really do believe this is will be the greatest love story I can ever hope to tell.

.

There was something P said to me Monday morning when we were mostly chatting about my weekend with A. He said he was talking to someone about our open relationship, they asked if he was afraid if I would find someone and leave him. He said if I did, he would be happy for me, because he has confidence now, that who is now can attract someone wonderful as much I can with somebody else.

I love that that’s where we’re at.

Because that’s how I’ve been feeling too. The possibilities. Like we have so much ahead of us. And what if our time together was just to prepare us for the next chapter with somebody else?

I love how we’re open to that.

I love our love.

Because to truly love is to love without fear.

To constantly stay open to everything.

.

After our morning at Baker and Commons, we head home, P books 6 flights for me and himself.

.

I’m wet. DMT always makes me wet.

We go into the orgy room. We do DMT, at my request.

We did it last night when it was dark and I couldn’t see the trees outside.

So we did it again.

I did it first, I took a nice long hit, held it in and kissed P and gave him my exhaled DMT.

.

While coming down on DMT, I had this idea for me and A.

The next time we get together, we would take turns revealing something we didn’t say or do but wanted to last weekend. And once one reveals something the other has to strip an article of clothing. The whole act is about stripping our layers.

.

I came down from my DMT first so I turned my head and watched P go through his mini journey with eyes closed.

And then we fuck.

But before we fuck, we joke around so much it’s almost impossible to fuck.

I try to go down on him, but he says the most ridiculous things to ruin the mood.

Hey what’s wrong with your face? Is that an allergic reaction? he asks as I’m trying to put his cock in my mouth.

Hey Mupps, all I want to hear you say is I love you, a lot, okay.

.

 

P says he rather that we have all our non-sexual time super connected and our sexual time not as connected  vs. having our sexual time super connected all the non-sexual time not connected. I totally agree.

.

I like how we still have our sexual connection as something to work on.

I predict tantra in our future.

.

We fuck on our sides. It was good. DMT plus fuck = siesta

We woke up, rinsed..

And we made pancakes and a green smoothie together. It’s so nice to cook together. We work so efficiently together.

We had breakfast for lunch. It was really yummy.

.

P pulled the ladder out and helped me elevate the aerial hoop. It’s a completely different experience with the hoop up higher. We play on it.

.

Then we measured the white rugs in the toad room and our master bedroom. The we measured the orgy room. We planned out the layout of the space for the ayahuasca ceremony.

Then we went online to see about these king size biomats.

We drove our to his brother’s place.

It’s becoming a new ritual now with the change up. P comes up Wed afternoon. Friday afternoon, he sees his brother and his brother drives him to the airport.

On the drive over, P’s best friend, J, calls to give us some good news about the prenup. Supposedly the earnings he made before his marriage doesn’t count, and pretty much his company (that he started with P) was before the marriage, so whatever earnings from that and the investments from that doesn’t go towards his wife alimony. She’s entitled to the money made from his current crypto company, which as we know, has just gone to shit.

We were happy to hear that.

You may think that’s fucked up that we’re happy for J. But you have to understand, his wife spends money like a crazy person. He’s currently paying her credit card bills which averages around 15K a month. And that’s not counting her own credit card debt she’s racking up on the side. The millions that would’ve went to her would have quickly evaporated.

 

When we got to R’s place, I came in and decided to say hello, I sat in the living room there was a copy of  Radical Acceptance on his coffee table. I have that book, P2 found it in his free pile of his apt building and gave it to me.

I scanned his bookshelf, sitting on top was the book P gave him after he finished reading it and I had secretly wish he gave to me because I think it’ll come in handy with Pervette..

Under Saturn’s Shadow,  The Wounding and Healing of Men

I grabbed it and opened it up.

It looks like he made highlights. I asked when he was done if I can borrow it.

(I have to be careful and sound chill because I know that P, who’s sitting next to me, thinks I’m a crazy book hoarder and yes the book I don’t have is always the book I want)

R said he was done with it and I can totally have it.

Yay! And I get his highlights, which is even better.

You have no idea ever since this book arrived at Mupp HQ and P took it down to Santa Monica, I’ve been thinking about it.

.

P took off with his brother

I drove back during sunset

.

Went for a walk in the gloaming. I felt like I could’ve walked for hours.

.

My body feels like it’s craving a good workout.

 

Sauteed some kale

.

Journaled today and yesterday.

.

Talked to J, we were on the phone placing a JT’s Stockroom order, dildos, strap-on harnesses, lube, vibes, double ended dildo (just for phone), nipple clamps, etc.

I make suggestions on everything, as though I’ve done this before, which I have, and J goes along.

We both acknowledge how fun it is to talk shop and plan a gangbang with someone.

.

What kinds of condoms/lube/dildos do you think we should get? he asks me.

I pick out the condoms, dildos and harness..

Even though we’re both gonna top his lover, I can tell by the way he says yes and good idea to everything I say, that he’s deferring everything to me.

It might be a good idea to have some coke not for the guys since that might hinder them from getting it up but for the girls, it’ll be nice to do coke off each other’s asses or something, I suggest.

I’ll definitely try to get some coke.

Awesome.

.

He says he’ll ask A, the mutual friend who talked me into this and is a DJ, to curate the music. I told him I got it, I’ll put together a gangbang playlist..

I gotta have control over the music.

.

We talked about gifts for the girls.

I suggested the subtle gold vibrator necklaces

J asked about the penetrative g strings.

I was in charge of picking out the lingerie for the girls.

After our call, I went on Maison Close, clicked, picked out pieces, scanned everything until I couldn’t look at another thong or playsuit.

.

Time for bed

 

What I put inside me: lemon water I made, Moroccan mint tea, and a nibble of P’s scrap bacon at Baker & Common; DMT, plantain pancake and green smoothie P and I made, quarter pound of triple creme sheepsmilk and Fuji apple, sauteed kale and fried egg, 1/2 jar of sauerkraut, an Urban Remedy Cacao chip bar

 

Saturday, Dec 8, 2018 12:34pm

 

Dear U,

I’ve been doing this weird thing, where I break up my sleep into 3 parts or rooms  thoughout the night. One REM cycle per room.

Last night I feel asleep around 1:32am on the biomat in the Moon Room, I woke up around 3:37am went downstairs into the Toad Room, laid on the slant board and massaged the Hair Be There oils on my scalp then fell asleep, then woke up around 5:38am and curled into bed in the bedroom.

It’s like one REM cycle per room.

.

I woke up from a very vivid dream I can remember around 9am.

The sun was poking through the curtains. This is the latest I’ve woken up in a long time. It’s very disorienting to wake up way after the sun has risen, esp after weeks of getting up before the sun rise.

I feel funny. Like I’m 5 and I’m home alone on a Saturday and I don’t know what to do with myself, even thought I have a ton of things I want to do.

It’s so bright outside. It makes everything even more confusing. Like I should be running around outside basking in the sun right now. Why am I still inside? Still in bed?

.

I made my lemon water, went into the library, pulled out the book Attached from the ground. It’s funny how in a room of 1300 books seemingly stacked about, I know where every book lives. I jumped in the playpen in the orgy room. it’s so bright in there. I opened up to the book to the chapter on Love Avoidant and read as I masturbated.

I’ve been thinking about this book this week ever since hanging out with A. Because he’s a Love Avoidant.

And the latest AMA from a gal whose name starts with A, is also prompting me. Because she’s a Love Addict.

Holy fuck. I somehow thought I was a Love Anxious/Addict, but I’m actually more  a Love Avoidant. It’s only because of being with P did I think I was a love addict, because he brought that out in me.

I lovebomb my conquest, and then a few months into it, I find something that’ll turn me off to them. Then I do the fade out.

.

In my morning pages, I wrote..

 

What I want to say to P2 is to is to cut it out. The news. You’ll suffer form compassion fatigue. Back in the day, before the internet and the news, we were biologically wired to to be concerned for our tribe, which is about 150 people. With the news and tragedies of the world at our fingertips, we’re actually stressing out our nervous system by taking in so much pain and suffering and because these are people we don’t even know, we have no power to do anything to help them. Rendering us stressed and helpless.

You have to take care of yourself. if you don’t have the constitution to take in the news of the world, don’t consume it.

.

I went for a walk around 11am to my tree. It was bright and hazy. It took a minute but U was able to clear my mind by the end of the walk. For a sunny Saturday, there was nobody on the trails.

.

P called me back. I told him that I realize I’m actually more a love avoidant as well as a love addict.

Of course you’re both, he says, because you’re a maximalist, you’re never either just one.

That’s right.

.

He says he’s gonna go grab lunch in downtown LA.

I ask if he’s having lunch with someone (I suspect a chick.)

He says it’s with V, the girl who wants to be his sub. He’s going to outline his expectations and boundaries with her.

.

I snip the one giant purple hydrangea and some foliage and put together an arrangement in my new vase.

.

Dad calls and I arrange my hydrangea. He tells me the news. Because he watches it multiple times a day. And he advises me that I should too.

You have to be careful with your words, he says, One misstep, and you might end up in jail, like Donald Trump’s lawyer, Michael something.

Or you might lose your job, like Connie Chung (with her interview with Barbara Bush?).

.

He asks if I’m eating oatmeal in the morning.

I said no. I don’t know how to tell him I stopped because it’s actually not good for you. This reminds me of how I tried to tell A this past weekend that oatmeal is actually

Is there anything I said that doesn’t fit with what you believe?

If there’s something that you don’t believe, we can talk about it.

Uhh..

.

I don’t even know how to respond. Dad never asks for my input, what I think.

How do I I say everything you’re telling me to do goes against what I believe is right for me.

 

Like go ahead, check it online, Cow Yun Fat. He gave away all his money.

.

Not everybody, including monks, is 100% right. We can only go step by step to figure out our right and wrong path.

.

Anyways, just telling you this so you know. Oh hey, when were you thinking of sending me the check for the car payment?

I’ll send it out this week.

I’m just hoping and praying you and your sister can win the lottery. I’m just holding on day by day.

.

I don’t know how it transitioned into him talking shit on his ex wife. I think he’s blaming her for where he’s at now.

He says it was like living with a child.

He said she thought she was prettier than my mom, how is it that my mom landed with the millionaire?

I actually like my stepmom. We always got along. Him revealing all of this speaks of his bitterness more than her. But all the same it is revealing..

Last week my dad told me that she got silicone breast implants. He tells me again that she got silicone implants that disintegrated inside her.

So what happened?

He said not to tell anyone. He only found out through my aunt.

He said in Arizona, her nipples were always discharging yellow fluid.

She hid the surgery from him? It was only now that he knew.

 

.

He repeats again, everybody watch the news for at least half an hour. Go to Saigon News. com o r something. That way I’ll know what’s happening, who’s in jail now, what’s happening with Trump’s daughter, that way I’ll know what’s really happening.Cover international, then Asia, then US, then local news. These are my life lessons.

That way I know about where the earthquakes are, who’s fighting who in Iraq,

Check out the celebrity who hired the Fire Dept. to hose down his 60 million property to protect it from the Malibu fires (this is his 3rd or 4th time mentioning this).

.

The Ward Bros come, to clear the leaves/debris from the gutters, and clean the windows. The hot tub guy comes three hours earlier than planned, he says who ever cleared out the dirt from the hot tub, didn’t clear enough and therefore he can’t inspect the tub for termites properly, I tell him to hold on, I walk around the house, the window gutter cleaners are by the downspout, apparently there’s something superclogged and I might need a roto rooter. Okay. I introduce them to the hot tub guy and ask if they can help clear out the dirt, hot tub guy explains in detail what the situation is. They said sure they can clear the dirt, they just need a shovel. I then walk over to my next door neighbor’s house, and ask for a shovel. He says let’s meet out back, he thinks he has one by the chicken coop.

Shovel borrowed, dirt getting excavated, hot tub guy showing them where to clear. That was a ton of coordinating. But all very fluid. The timing of the hot tub guy coming earlier than expected was perfect.

.

S, is coming over later this evening. He’s been wanting to hang out one on one for 3 years now. I’ve been, as you know, impossible to pin down. He’s taking off from his household life at the beginning of the new year. This might be our last chance. I’ve been thinking about connecting with him, so I slated a hang date for tonight. He seems very excited, by the texts he’s sending. Is there anything he can bring? A borat mankini? he asks. I look up borat mankini. Oh..

I text him to see if he’s free to chat to let him know my idea for the evening.

He calls me, I tell him I’d like for him to bring a blank notebook. At the top of each page we’ll write out what we want to do/accomplish before we die.

And I’ll set up the podcast equipment that I got years ago, the ones he recommended, and we can have a deep dive conversation..

Let’s go really deep, I tell him.

He loves the idea. I ask if he had anything in mind for the evening. He says whatever I have planned sounds great.

I’m glad we chatted. I couldn’t tell where he wanted to go with the borat mankini.

.

3:03pm

 

I chatted with the hot tub guy, dirt excavated, no termite issues, we have a plan moving forward, gonna do some new plumbing without trenching, it can be done in a weekend day, for 1500.

Amazing.

Just in time for the Aya ceremony.

.

I spent all of today and last night mostly journaling, I need to get going on the main pages of pervette. I can spend half my days journaling.

.

Themes of this week:

 

Widening circle  of awareness

the Tahoe weekend, my perceptions of A keeps on changing day by day, as my ego grows more removed from it, I can see my flaws as much as I see his. I can see that I’ve been wounded and it’s all my ego that’s creating this separation. But really what it is is that I want to grow intimate with him and help him to see his blindspots, of course there’s still my ego always attached.

Giving Love Advice

Coming out of Monk Mode

.

My appetite is strange. I’m not really hungry, but I can snack forever. I just ate 2 Urban Remedy bars in 24 hours. That’s 50 grams of fat.

On top of the collard greens I suateed in a fuck ton of bacon fat. My fat consumption is insane right now.

Drinking dandelion tea..

.

S came over at 7. He brought me a book, Living Beautifully by Pema Chodron. And a card.

I made us a salad.

He too has been intermittent fasting. He only eats one meal a day around 4 or 5 pm. He also has cut out sugar.

We ate and caught up.

He’s been doing so much self-work in the past year, it’s incredible to witness his transformation.

It’s challenging for him that his wife hasn’t started that journey herself. It feels like a widening disconnect.

I can’t even imagine how it would be if I did all this self work, and P was still in his lack of self-awareness haze, resistant to do the work on himself.

I love our talk, it’s deep and about life. It’s a weaving of our observations on where we went astray and how we find our way.

He’s a self-proclaimed avoidant. His way of “loving someone” was having a baby with them.

He thinks that his desire back then to have a child is to prove to himself that he has changed and transcended his not so great upbringing. I wonder if that’s what’s what motivating A and his desire to have a baby.

He said a lot of things that gave me insight into A. I kinda wish all 3 of us can have a conversation. I feel like S is A but ahead of him in his journey of self-discovery.

.

We then went downstairs and went into the Toad Room to set up the podcast equipment. And we went deep into a long conversation. I told him my idea of wanting to be an in-between lover or mistress.

His questions helped me hash it out even further.

Then I opened up that invitation to him.

We went deep in our conversation, when we came out it was midnight. We were conversing for 2 1/2 hours.

.

It was strange before S arrived, I felt slightly drained, like I can feel his anticipation. But when he arrived, and we settled in, my energy lifted.

.

He says he’s not in his body and can’t feel his emotions. When someone asks how he feels, he says, I don’t know. When one of his 5 therapists asked him to let his anger out hitting a pillow with a club, he said he could only hit it but not let out any sound of anger or release.

I said this is exciting.

He’s confused by my positivity.

It’s because I see myself guiding him to release, to let it out, to express what has been so carefully hidden and protected. I know I can.

.

This is my work. I am the in between.

 

 

Back to my previous week