Sunday, December 23, 2018 11:22pm

Dear U, The holidaze has begun. I’ve done a lot of bad eating. . A lot has happened.. We went skydiving yesterday. . Me, P, and his brother did some impromptu RV shopping on the way back from Monterey Came home to a surprised P2 sweeping, we chatted as he played with Cutie Then P and I jetted down to LA, hopped in his car which was at the airport, and drove down to the OC. Monterey->Morgan Hill ->Berkeley->Burbank->Orange County . I enjoyed our “middle class vacation” with P, his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. Makes us appreciate our incredible lives and what we have even more, P says. . Maybe there was something about observing how different our energy was compared to his brother and his gf who are both a little more frenetic (I mean they’re both into skydiving). It makes us appreciate how perfectly chill and matched we are. . I loved the moments we had to ourselves, I love our conversations, where we go deep into life philosophies and relationship dynamics, and of course there was a ton of muppeting around. It’s this perfect balance of slightly wise, thoughtful awareness and ridiculois child-like silliness . There was something about P and the Alo bomber jacket he was wearing and his slightly getting shaggy hair and his smile. I tell him several times he looks really dreamy.. . It feels like we’re falling in love again, but this time it feels like we’re falling for the higher versions of each other. . Things I put inside me: A crepe complet (ham, egg, and light cheese) and Stash Moroccan mint tea at Crepes of Brittany in Monterey, Level’s Float and Viper Cookies vape, Paleo Puffs in the car ride home, 2 BBQ ribs, cole slaw, and a shared green salad, a nibble of the garlic bread, 2 Andes mints at Trail Dust BBQ in Morgan Hill (after going RV shopping), veggie chips at JetSuiteX, salmon, asparagus, a nibble of P’s bison burger and 5 sweet potato fries at BJ’s in Downey at the Stonewood Mall as we charge up the Tesla, lemon water

Monday, Dec 24, 2018 9:00pm

Orange County

Dear U, It’s been a long day.. I’ve been in a meditative space, in spite of spending most of the day with my sister, who’s a slight stress case. . I woke up with my sister, next to me (she sleeps in my bed with me) around 8:44am. . I got to Mother’s, my favorite health food grocery store, to pick my salad ingredients, sweet potatoes, asparagus for x-mas dinner tomorrow, probiotics, shampoo and conditioner, laundry detergent (since last time mom’s Tide plus a korean body scrub created the most insane allergic reaction all over my arms and torso), 4 Heritage Stone rose products, 3 dark chocolate bars, somehow it added up to be 200.34, which seems about right. . Then we headed to Westminster to meet dad at Brodard restaurant. We were running late since L, my sis, was still sorting out address labels on the x-mas cards to be sent out. . On the ride, I write out Merry Christmas Dad on his x-mas card that my sister picked out. Let’s give him a plain card since he doesn’t care, she says. It’s true. Every time we hand him a card, he tears it open, pull sout the check and puts it in his wallet. He doesn’t even see the card or the handwriting. I hope he only does that with us, she says. I think he does that with anybody because he’s autistic, I said. She ignores my diagnosis. . Are you gonna Dad to let him know we’re late? she asks. No, he’ll call us. Dad calls, he’s at Brodard he says. . He arrived 15 minutes before and put his name down, and just as we arrive, our table is ready. . He asks if I know about Hauwei. I don’t. He spells it out for me so I can look it up, as he tells me about how the founder of it is this Chinese woman under house arrest, she did something shady with Canada. . He hands me another little white Johnson & Johnson travel size med box packed with 2 tubes of Advil and 2 tubes of Tylenol that he hand-filled himself, underneath are a few band-aids. The last time I saw him, he gave me 3 of these boxes , and the time before that, another 1 or 2. If I saved all of these boxes of tubes of aspirins he’s given me, I should have about 30 or so by now. .   . L still needs to write out a bunch of cards, she says she can do that at a coffee shop at the Lab or the Camp as I walk around. I choose the Lab. I’m curious to see if it’s changed at all since the last time I was there. . It hasn’t changed, just a handful more airstream pop-up shops sprinkled around the supposed anti-mall. I remember when the Lab first opened back when I was in junior high. 1995.  I thought this was the hippest place. It was the first time I’ve benn in an Urban Outfitters. Now I see, it’s just commercialized hipsterness. . In an airstream shop, we pick up for mom a pen that looks like a gem claw holding a diamond.. . L gets me a transparent bag that I think can be a nice carrying case fro Cutie. . She sits in Gypsy Den writing cards as I peruse the vinyls and cassette tapes in an airstream shop outside of Urban Outfitters.     Not a good idea, says the Vietnamese postal clerk. He’s talking about the priority labels that L attached to all her pink and green packages. “It’s going to be expensive. $7.60, when first class is $2.95” “Oh..oh well, now we know for next year.” . 360 dollars worth of postage and stamps later, I help L stick stamps on her stacks of cards in the post office as the sun sets outside. . Wow. Last minute shopping, says the Asian clerk at Burberry as she rings up our stepdad’s scarf. Yeah, we reply. What time do you guys close today? my sister asks. She has it in her head that the mall closes at 10pm on Christmas Eve. 6, says the smiley clerk. Oh, what time is it now? L asks. 6, the other Asian clerk next to her replies. Oh wow. I guess it is last minute. . All the stores are closing as we left Burberry. L says she still needs to get something for P. And something for mom to open. On top of the card of $$$. We slide into Nordstrom, which was the way we got into the mall, their doors are closing too. . I quickly grab a Chanel powder for mom. . Doesn’t she like some crazy expensive serum from La Prairie? L asks. Yeah.. . What’s the most expensive product you have? we ask the La Prairie clerk at Nordstrom. It’s the something something serum from the caviar line. How much is it? 575. Uh, we’ll take it. . We’re the last to be rung up at Nordstrom. As the lady is wrapping our serum, L sees if she can grab a Jo Malone candle nearby. Behind us is a freestanding shelf of gift ideas. I see a a glass thermos with amethyst stones in it. Hey, P is into stones lately. This thermos will do, I suggest. Excuse me, can we get this and the candle too? we ask the tired but nice Nordstrom lady. Uhheheh.. .     On the facetime call with P, we turn on the new feature, animoji faces. As I’m reading more, I think we’re both two previously two love avoidants, P says, which is pretty rare. Oh yeah, that’s what I thought.         Even though I got dragged into the holidaze madness, I feel mindful and present for my sister, which I think is progress. .   Christmas Day . L asks me what’s my day like tomorrow. She wants to go shopping tomorrow. As a reward for all the shopping she did for others. I had specifically carved out Wednesday-Friday for Pervetting days in Santa Monica. She wanted me to come back Friday to hang. I said okay. Now she wants to hijack my Wednesday? I tell her I think she has a shopping addiction. I just wanted a little break from all the card writing and gift wrapping I’ve done for everyone else, she says, Now you’re just making me feel bad. I was in my room, reading a health food magazine on the bed in my room, she was in her room wrapping presents, we were separated by the jack and jill bathroom. My chest tightens. I feel bad. Terrible, even.       Watching a Vietnamese variety show skit, Paris By Night, with my stepdad’s biological daughter playing in it, my mom and stepdad are in the audience. There’s a 1 second shot of my stepdad laughing. They have us watch for it. . L pooh poohs the California Closets cabinet design for the entertainment center. She thinks it looks cheap and they should go with these cabinet makers who are asking for 6k. After R, my stepdad, has already sent the 2k deposit check. He hates cancelling things and disappointing sales people. It goes against his self-image as a baller. You talk to her, he says, I just texted her and said there’s a problem with the design. What’s the problem? L asks. You said it’s no good, he replies matter of factly. Oh.. . California Closets lady calls R back, on x-mas day.  L has an awkward conversation with the California Closets lady. . . Amazing things that happened: The timing of when I started cooking, and P and C (L’s bf) arrival, and when L came home, and we started plating, everything flowed.. . It’s becoming a ritual now, P coming over for the holidays, it’s pleasantly quick and easy . How P and I easily abandoned ship as our Tesla died at the charger station in Downey. We have this way of staying child-like in spite of the hiccups. . Our x-mas exchange, P got me 2 super cool muppety shaped notebooks with a sweet note, at the end we wrote that he’s forgiving me 5K from the money he loaned me. I was very touched. . Our shopping addictions .

Tuesday, Dec 26, 2018 9:33am

Santa Monica

Dear U, I’m alone. Finally. Time to Pervette… .. I’ll circle back to last night, and how we abandoned our Tesla in Downey. ..   Amazing things that happened today: The Tesla started charging itself morning and was ready for me by the time I got to it in Downey. No one got into it despite the sunroof being open. And the sunroof closes! I finally got to be alone. In Santa Monica. I worked on Pervette. While looking out on to the ocean. The process was so enjoyable and fluid. . I took a nap and woke up super present. I got to go for a walk during the magic hour and sunset along the beach. And captured some neat videos. Of a tightrope walker. . I love my alone time. Things I put inside me: lemon water, plantain pancake I made for me and P as he packed for Atlanta, a nibble of mushroom chocolate, tulsi tea, walnuts, Lulu’s aztec crunch 70% dark chocolate, Erewhon Italian vegetable soup that P got, lots of alkaline water, Level’s special blend of green crack and jack; salmon, sweet potatoes, cauliflower and brussel sprouts at Flowerchild, gymnostema tea, Activist manuka honey 850+, a slice of pear, Things I bought: a Roland R-05 recorder, the same one I already own, Alo moto sweat pants and sweatshirt, the same ones that I already own, the 5 minute journal (for my sister), shoe travel bags and a notebook from Muji that I got to =decorate with stamps, the Lascivious milla bra, which I already own 4 of (but lascicious just went out of business and the milla bra is my all time favorite bra in the world), oh shit I just won another Roland recorder, this one is used but in great condition, so now I have 2 (more) Roland recorders..

I tend to buy things I already have and love. Yes, I might have a slight shopping addiction


Thursday, Dec 27, 2018 11:11am

Dear U, I thought (last night) I was gonna go straight into pervetting this morning after my morning pages. But I ended up reading about ayahausca diet restrictions and prep. It turns out no drugs, sexual contact (which includes masturbating) and certain foods. I guess no more cannabis, and no more microdosing on shrooms. . I had a dream where a group of friends were playing kinky games but in a more casual sport-like way, with clothes on, with the police. I placed a g-spot like plug inside my vag and kept it there for a day then took it out. My friend, M, was making a giant sauerkraut salad. Waking up from the dream I felt wet and wanted to masturbate. I haven’t had sex or masturbated in over a week. But then I read about the no sex for 2 weeks prior and after the aya ceremony.. And decided, I just need to masturbate. So I did. And that’ll be it. . Then I proceeded to go on LA Eater to do some research on where I want to eat later tonight. I want some place healthyish and yummy. I’ve been somewhat obsessed about finding places to eat, it happens especially when I travel. . Like how after the sex orgy in Houston, when I came back to my room, exhausted but energized, I spent an hour or so looking up places to eat for breakfast the next morning. . My mind is in high consumption mode. . I’m happy that I got some work done on pervette yesterday. Let’s see how many pages I can create or work on today.. . I’m incorporating the 5 minute journal structure into my morning pages.. . Things I’m grateful for… This time to myself, to create, to work on pervette, to center myself This awesome oceanfront pad to do all of the above My life-I wouldn’t trade it for anyone else’s My family-they’re loving even in their dysfunctional ways, all of it pushes me to practice patience, awareness, and kindness P-I still can’t believe how incredible our relationship is, it’s one that pushes us to be our higher or highest selves, to prepare us to do the great work we have ahead (I got chills just writing that, a sign that yes we do have great work ahead). . What would make today great?.. If I ate well and mindfully. If I got a few hours of pervetting in If I went for another walk during the magic hour . If I meditate If I did some crunches . Daily Affirmations I am a disciplined writer I am a mindful meditator I am in my body and all I want to do is take good care of it. . My pussy smells fragrant. Like it would be the perfect time to sit on a sub’s face. I reach down. I’m bleeding again and wet from my forbidden orgasm. . Interesting how in my dream there was sex and sauerkraut, which are some of the things to be avoided for my ayahausca prep. .


I just meditated for 11 minutes. My god what a great reset. I feel clear and calm. I need to remember to do this more often, daily.   . (the rest of the day)   I wrote out the inner work page I made a green smoothie Around 3:30 I ubered to Venice and walked from Reformation to Erewhon. Then headed towards the Venice Canals at sunset. I ubered back . I didn’t spend any money other than the $17 on uber rides   Sat on the biomat and read Damn Good Advice And was feeling strange in my tummy Like all I can do was lay there . I redeemed the Amazon gift ca I finished the Tony Robbins audible Wrote out my lists of what I want to achieve or fulfill . It all comes back to launch Pervette in 2019 . I did a few crunches. I did everything that would make today great. . I audibled two books by Pema Chodron No Time to Lose When Things Fall Apart . I also audibled Tony Robbins Unlimited Power . I read Dalio’s Principles until I fell asleep on the biomat. . I woke up around 11:27 and went to bed But my mind was cycling back to x-mas dinner, I’m still upset that P snapped at my mom. You don’t have to yell, he said. When she was trying to tell us what’s in the dipping sauce, because he asked what’s in the dipping sauce. What’s up with Vietnamese people, why are they always yelling all the time? P asks in a slightly trying to be funny but coming off as annoyed tone. Yes it’s true, older Vietnamese people do tend to talk at a higher decibel level. It used to annoy me too, but now I’m used to it. He was trying to be funny. But it came off as rude, disrespectful, and culturally insensitive I think. My mom’s already self conscious about not being able to connect with P because of the language barrier. With that snappy reply, he shut her down, and reinforced that barrier even more. I didn’t see the look on her face, because I was looking at P when he was saying all that, but I can feel that she was hurt. I got really worked up, tears cane out, I almost couldn’t fall asleep. When I tried to casually bring it up to P later that night when we got back, he brushed it off as being funny because it’s true. And that’s just how he is. He’s going to speak the truth. It feels like it’s incongruent with who he wants to be be, a sociably calibrated person. Anyways, I’m blowing it up in my mind. And I’m going to find the right time to bring it up again, in a disarming way that won’t trigger a fight or flight response.. . I got up from the bed and laid down on the biomat again and meditated. I thought about how for the last two holiday dinners, P was the undesignated conversationalist. He was the one starting up conversations and trying to fill in the somewhat awkward silence. And when my sister asked him about his holiday plans in Georgia, his body language and tone changed, he got more bashful and warm. I realize it  has been rare at our recent dinners for anyone to ask P about him. I’m quiet and occasionally ask around if anybody wants some sweet potatoes, salad, etc My sister is pretty quiet too, her boyfriend is even more quiet and has a subtle anxious vibe like he’s aware of how quiet he is, and then there’s my mom who barely speaks English, and there’s my stepdad, who speaks fluent English, but you gotta catch him on the right days for him to be chatty. I realize P was just trying to be chatty and funny, and sometimes he slips and says things that are off(ensive). It’s no big deal. Then I fell asleep.

Friday, Dec 28, 2018 11:44am

Santa Monica

It feels like I’m constantly packing and moving from one place to the next. I’m packing up right now to head down to the OC. Because my sister wants to hang. . I’m not totally looking forward to leaving this awesome cocoon and my alone time to be back in the OC in a full house where a bathroom is getting remodeled and sharing the same bed with my sister. I feel like I want to guard my time. To myself, to pervette. . My sister roped us into dinner with an old friend of ours from childhood. The friend is my sister’s age. I was the tagalong little sister back in the day. Our friend’s older sister is in town and is leaving tomorrow. We haven’t seen her in over 20 years, my sister said, it feels like a good opportunity to catch her. I’m not excited about going out, but I can go along. . I’m grateful for an opportunity to hang with my sister today and tomorrow, to be present and patient with her. And tell her (again but with more words and emotion) that I’m sorry I hurt her feelings the other day when I said in a critical tone that she has a shopping addiction. And also add that I too have a shopping addiction. My thing is books and vitamins. I can tell her how I think it runs in the family. . I’m grateful for my sabbatical, these unstructured days (months, years) of no work, really. . I’m grateful for the pink sky that I woke up to when I opened the remote controlled blackout shades. . What would make today great? If I enjoyed my time with my sister. If I thought about what I was going to write for the next pervette page on inner work in the domme guide If I stayed mindful and present.


So I drove home. It took an hour and 33 minutes. I listened to Tony Robbins Unlimited Power and finished it. And I started Pema Chodron’s No Time To Lose. . When I came home, there was a giant weathered van parked out in front. Upon opening the front door, the foyer was wrapped in clear plastic and painter’s tape. Oh right, our guest bathroom is getting remodeled. . I left my Rick Owens leather jacket in Santa Monica thinking it was gonna be not so cold in Orange County. As it turns out, it’s freezing cold right now, like 46 degrees. The heat is on upstairs but we can’t turn it on downstairs, since it’ll blow on the plastic cover and undo the tape, my mom says, which is what happened yesterday. My mom, sister and I are all huddling and sniffling on the sectional sofa. . My mom read somewhere from a friend on Facebook that this coming February is a unique February that only happens once every 823 years, where there are 4 Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays. Now she has to spread this to 5 people she knows. I’m one of them. . Dusty pink. My sister’s favorite color. .. I just ordered another Lascivious Milla bra from Smitten Kitten. Apparently they still had them in my size 32D. . Must hoard Milla bras, now that Lascivious is gone.. .

Saturday, December 28, 2018 11:44am

The OC

Dear U, I have to run. My sister and I are about to grab lunch with my dad in a bit. But when I get back, I’ll write to you about the shift that I experienced with my sister that just happened this morning. It all started with us waking up in bed together and deciding this was the right time to give her the 5 Minute Journal. . I also want to go back on this week and fill in the details. The events, conversations and thoughts leading up to this moment that created this shift There’s so much that’s left out. All the time. . Sometimes I’m just filling in the bare minimum in these journals just as markers, ways to jog my memory so when (not if) I do go back, that random line I wrote can prime me to remember it all. . That’s why I don’t write down the super memorable moments. Because I’m certain I’ll remember it. That’s why I don’t write out the conversations I had, because it’s all recorded on my recorder. That’s why I don’t write about the amazing experiences I have with others, because I know others who were there will remember it too. For now, I’m only giving you the somewhat uneventful glimmers that might slip away. It’s piecemeal and scrappy and raw. Which is fine. But at some point, I want to fill it in. . Which is all to say, we have to go back. I will (I promise to) fill in the blanks and give you the full story At some point..


What a day… My sister and I took the Tesla to Brodard to meet my dad for lunch. . Is it the car or you that’s making the car jerky? she asks Nope, it’s not the car. . We were running late, so was he, he got there 10 min before us to out his name down, it was an hour wait.. Brodard is killing it, L says. .   L and I got some tea at Starbucks nextdoor, she worked on her comps or cma or comparative market analysis (real estate lingo for looking at other homes in the area and seeing how much they’re going for). I looked over at her screen, the house she was looking at was pretty cute. This is house porn for you. Yeah, she says. Since she’s such a visual person, this is actually fun for her. . When I was sitting in the Tesla with dad, he was telling me about how Trump is deporting 5000 undocumented Vietnamese immigrants. That’s terrible, I said. He says Trump is just getting rid of the people with criminal records and those who don’t belong here. He just wants to keep the wealthy ones around. He’s saying all of this like it’s a good thing. . You mentioned last week that you would give me another 200 for the car payment in January. Oh right, I reached into my wallet and gave him the 2 of the 3 last hundred dollar bills in my wallet.   I had a feeling Dad would order the Banh Mi Bo Kho (french bread and beef stew) since he got it last week and mentioned 4 times how tasty it was. We got the sugar cane shrimps rolls and the lotus root salad again. . There’s always a bit of deja vous when I’m with dad. . He mentions again how it’s a good idea to put neosporin in your nostrils at night. He says when you blow your nose after your teeth and your nose starts bleeding, just apply the neosporin in your nostrils (he demonstrates by putting his two index fingers in his nostrils) and your nose won’t dry out at night. He’s demonstrated this to me almost every time I’ve seen him for the past few visits. He talks about Trump firing someone. And how the real estate market is softening. . When we said goodbye to dad, L saw that mom had called. We called her back, we can hear our stepdad yelling (or talking loudly). Apparently he took a shower in the master shower and it drained just fine. He had taken my mom’s word 17 years ago that the faulty contractors built the shower in a way that made the water not drain right and so that’s why they’ve been using the guest bathroom downstairs all this time. And that’s why they’re redoing the guest bathroom shower because it looks grody. . It’s 11:11pm, I don’t have the energy to write everything out now so I’ll just write the amazing things that happened.. . I had the type of conversations that I always wanted with L, something deeper than about clothes and real estate.. About life and her philosophy on life. It turns out she’s more like me than I thought, especially when she talked about her relationship with M, her manchild real estate partner.. . After lunch with dad, we swung by the Good Sheperd Cemetery near Brodard to visit S, her ex and good friend’s grave, who had died last year.. When we turned into the cemetery, we were surprised by what we saw, friends and family of past loved ones had brought x-mas trees and decorated the tombstones and burial plots with wreaths and poinsettias. It made a typically somber place feel lively and festive. . When we dropped off the dragon’s beard candy for H, there were new homes for sale, L asked if we can swing by and check out the model homes, so we did. And the homes and views were surprisingly very nice, and the way we excitedly pointed out what features we liked (the Wolf appliances, the giant glass sliding doors, the granite they used for the island, etc) reminded me of how we used to look at model homes all the time when I was in high school. It’s neat how what we used to do all the time and enjoyed is what L does for a living now. . The crazy stressful sitation with charging the tesla, and again having to abandon it as it charges overnight..


Back to my previous week