Sunday, December 30, 2019 11:29am

The OC

Dear U, A meditative spell came over me just about a half hour ago when I got home from taking my sister to the airport. After making my lemon water, I sat in the dining room, the sun was coming in through the windows, it was bright and warm (it still is as I’m still sitting here writing to you). In spite of the contractor working on the guest bathroom just 30 feet away from me, with a plastic drop cloth separating us I was at ease It’s like a gentle breeze that just sneaks up on me. Everything slows down and I feel like a child again. And all I want to do is gently close my eyes.. I am so grateful for these mindful spells that come over. Where does it come from? . It’s been a challenge looking for a warm quiet spot in the house to write or meditate in the morning. My bedroom, the kitchen island and the family room (my go to spots) are on the unsunny side of the house in the morning. making it too chilly. My hands are constantly cold, too cold to write. But I’m writing now to warm them up. . The contractor doesn’t look like he’s Mexican, maybe Oaxacan. He’s been working 10 hour days, from 8 to 6, quietly and diligently. Even on the weekends. Mom and R (my stepdad) feels for him. They’ve been feeding him tamales. There’s a quiet clean energy to him as he diligently grinds away. . I feel like I want to pick up some In-N-Out for the worker. . It’s been hard trying to keep up with my journaling. Especially here at home, where the TV is usually on, and there’s some Vietnamese variety show that my mom and R are watching our not. They seem to like the sound of someone either acting our singing (loudly) in the background. . I wonder if I can just list the things that I’m grateful for and that can be the frame that I share with you my day… . I’m so grateful that this Tesla has been acting strange. . Last night, the plan was for the both of us to uber to Mainplace mall to pick up the Tesla and from there I drive my sister to John Wayne airport. But this morning P gave me the update on the Tesla on the app, the car stopped charginf sometiem last night and instead of a full charge of 230 miles, it only has 76 miles. In an alien animoji P explains that sometimes if that happens I need to unplug the plug and plug it back in again. That’s annoying. Change of plans. We’ll take Mom’s Mercedes to the car, unplug and plug the plug back in and then continue to John Wayne. . Through an alien animoji, I ask P for his Tesla account password so I can install the app and see for myself how much range it has for myself. He sent another animoji, asking if I just received the last animoji, the car is charging again and should be done charging in 6 hours. So change of plans again. No need to stop by the car, I can take L straight to the airport, which I think is what she wanted since she was feeling a little crunched with time already. . The Tesla Palindrome We abandoned the Tesla twice. Once in Downey, again in Santa Ana. Each time, we were parked close to a pizza place (Pieology in Downey and Blaze Pizza in Santa Ana), which became the destination and point up points for the Lyft driver. . Each time there was an unexpected start and stop. The car unexpectedly starting charging at 5am on Wednesday morning in Downey and was fully charged by the time I got to it at 9am. The car unexpectedly stopped charging last night and started charging again around 7:40 and will be fully charged around 2:30, which is the time that P and I will check back in to see if he wants me to pick him up from the airport or not. Yes it can all be explained by technical glitches, but why do these technical glitches happen? Maybe they’re are constantly keeping us on our toes, pushing us to modify our preferences and plans on the fly, and remind us to stay flexible and open. . The more I read into these things and ask what’s to be learned here, the more I accept everything as it comes. . R just came home. I see him in the kitchen, picking up my phone and reading what’s on the screen. (He’s always been a snoopy one) I holler from the dining room, Hey R! To let him know that I’m here. I tell him I want to pick up some lunch for the contractor. He says he already has, at In-N-Out, 2 Double Doubles to hold him over for the day. I’m grateful that he read my mind And not so much my phone. But I don’t really care because I don’t have much to hide from him anymore. . Although when I talk to him and we’re all very cordial and friendly I can tell there’s a subtle something, like he can tell there’s two sides to me and I’m only showing him the good daughter side, I’m not sure if he knows that I know what he knows about me. Like how I know that he stalks me on social media. Which doesn’t really matter now, since I haven’t been on it in forever. . Tangent: I’ve successfully conditioned myself to associate going on social media as a thing to be avoided, like sugar. But unlike sugar, it has no grip on me whatsoever. Unlike a Lulu’s dark chocolate bar. . Anyways.. I’m grateful hat the universe steered me to take my sister directly to the airport, giving us time and privacy (which we wouldn’t get if we ubered or Lyfted) to chat. . I told L that maybe she start her 5 minute journal in the new year. I told her that doing it might just change her life. If she stays committed to it. And I can be her accountability coach. She said, Okay. . L realized that she forgot her Ember self heating mug. I told her I can pack it in my suitcase and give it to her when I see her next and maybe in the meantime I can figure out how to use it and show her how when I see her. . You can stay in this lane, L says. She knows I have a tendency to weave a little. L gripes on how mom always directs us on which lane she should be on in the highway, but in a more subtle way, she does that too, to me. . Just as I dropped her off I had this thought, she has always meant well, even when she outed me. . After I dropped L off, I had a really nice drive back, listening to Madonna’s The Immaculate Collection, the only non-Vietnamese album in the car CD disc changer. Thoughts came to me on the ride back on the 5 North.. . I’ve been reading and listening to all these folks (Tony Robbins, Ray Dalio, George Lois, Paul Arden, Pena Chodron) give their take on Life and Work. And what I have arrived it in these past 5 years of intense evolution doesn’t seem so novel anymore,  since what I discovered is what they arrived at years ago and have already shared. . I know what my angle is, it’s about play. How do you play? And never forget that it’s all about play? It’s about seeing life as one big creative challenge. it’s to make what I’ve gleaned accessible to my generation as well as the younger and maybe older. . An angle is actually always evolving, as in what makes my message different is that it’s constantly evolving as I evolve. What I belive today might change tomorrow. And because I created an evolving medium to share my thoughts, the thought, as un-novel and simple as it may be still can be novel to some, by dint of how it’s being  communicated in a novel way. . I see myself in high school classrooms.. Talking about sex and relationships and how we spend out time.. .   I want to do some research and data collection. What do we spend money on? How do we spend our time? What do we think about most of the day? What kind of films are we watching?   By collecting this information from kids and peeps of different generations, I can figure out the zeitgeist of our time. Reflect back our norms and values.. And from there map out the way to change.. . So much of what the advice given is autobiographical. Let me tell you what I learned. But to really create conceptual change, I actually need to know what the current conceptualization is.. I need to collect this data qualitatively and quantitatively. . So interesting how yesterday I randomly went to the Renew Breakup Bootcamp and read my bio that I wrote


Colette is an educatrix. She is a professional dominatrix, where she has been practicing the art of intimacy and power exchange for over 13 years. She holds a PhD in education from UC Berkeley, where her research focuses on conceptual change. Colette will guide a session on unlocking the application of power dynamics. And she will teach you how to ‘channel your inner Domme‘ so you can live, love and connect from a place of power. .. And now my brain is doing something with the words above..It’s asking me what are you going to do with your PhD in conceptual change? I’m so grateful for the A-ha’s that are coming to me.. . I’m grateful that I got what I set my intention on, which is to be present and there for my sister. She has always challenged me to be kind, patient and compassionate. Or maybe she was there to force me to challenge myself. Because she wasn’t actively challenging me. She was just being herself. Talking about things that seem uninteresting and superficial to me. And I can finally see it was all me. I was the judgmental one, super totally biased and silently bratty. I’m learning how to connect with her on her level. I’m learning to respect her decisions rather than shooting them down. I’m learning how to love her unconditionally. I’m learning to see that she has always meant well.   . She has always been thoughtful, giving and kind. It was me who needed to learn how to love her. . I’m so grateful   . Mom is coming downstairs with old candles and bath salt bottles thats he used to decorate the bathroom for the past 17 years. She never used them, and they’re not looking so fresh now, she’s tossing them out. She’s throwing things out. It’s a miracle.. . What does this say? my mom asks as she shows my R’s iPad that she’s been using. It says that he still needs to finish setting up his 2 step authentification. What’s that? she asks. It’s about security. He doesn’t need to do that, she says, that way I can see who calls him. . When I got off the highway, it was a strait shot from the off ramp into the strip mall where there was Mother’s market. So I went to Mother’s.. I wanted to pick up some walnuts and blueberries for the salad I want to make with the box of spring mix I still have. I ended up picking up some pistachios as well, 2 Mychelle eye creams, one with vitamin C for the day and one with retinol for night, Stone Heritage casoda (castor oil ointment), chocolate, a ginger tonic, digestive enzymes, Tulsi Tea (gotu kola and pomegranate). This feels like a palindrome to last week, when I first got down in to OC, I went to Morther’s on x-mas eve and got salad ingredients for the x-mas dinner, I also got a tonic (last time it was a mushroom adaptogenic tonic), chocolate, facial products, tea.. Things are wrapping up, full circle. .


I Lyfted to the Tesla and got a car wash at Cruizers car wash I started the audible on Pema Chodron’s When Everything Falls Apart. It’s really really good. . The mindful mood is still with me. It feels like a tender high. . I made a giant salad for me and mom and R. I’m in a super healthy cleansing mode. . I think if I just record what I’m grateful for What I ate What I spent money on What’s great about the day I can recall the day vividly . I’m grateful that my time with L ended on a perfect note. I got to take her to the airport, all the way, no stop to charge or pickup the Tesla. . I’m grateful that I can be with my sister in a tender open way, and dissolve a lot of the judgment and see that it really all me that was affecting our relationship. . I’m grateful that P and I are so flexible. We continually checked in to see what felt right, should I pick him up from the airport today and hang out with him or hang out here at my folk’s house. We couldn’t tell what what we wanted until he was about to board and we both felt like me hanging here for another night felt right.  I’m glad I’m still here, and I get to spend the night connecting with my mom . I’m grateful that this bathroom remodel and the turn of the year is motivatingmy mom to make some changes, like going to bed earlier instead of her usual 3am, she’s planning on hitting the gym earlier as well and changing up her eating patterns as well. For someone who is so resistant to change, this is kind a miracle. . I’m grateful for this mindful spell I’m in and this feeling like I have so many exciting things I want to do, like read, synthesize and pervette . I’m grateful for the the insights coming through my relaxed mind. . I’m grateful for this precious life and all that I want to do with it. . As my mom peeled some pomelos for me, she gently urges me to start working. She suggests I get a brokers license so I can work with my sister. I’m taking in her concern. She says it’s great that I want to write this book but I still I need to make money. I know, I said. I don’t know how to explain to her my plan. . What I put inside me: lemon water, gotu kola tulsi tea, walnuts, pistachios, Gin Bao ginger tonic, 2 squares of Rightriously Raw dark mint chocolate, a giant spring mix salad with egg, avocado, walnuts and blueberries, more pistachios, Lulu’s chocolate, more lemon water, 2 pomelos from our garden that my mom peeled for me.

Monday, December 31, 2018, 7:32pm

Santa Monica

Dear U, I’m here with P. He got back last night and I drove up from the OC today around noon. We got lunch at Farmshop as P discussed NYE plans. I made no effort to reach out to anyone to see what they’re doing. I would be thrilled to have a chill night at home. But I’m open to indulging P since he’s feeling more social. P had reached out to a few peeps (all chicks) for possibilities A private party at Petite Hermitage, a prohibition era themed party of a cannabis friend, a party in Topanga. The cute Asian waitress with the blond bob asked what our plans were for tonight. A party maybe? I said, what about you? No plans, I’m just looking forward to relaxing at home, she said. That sounds so nice, I said. . After Farmshop, I asked P is we can hop into Diesel, the bookstore. We spent a good hour getting lose in the well curated selection that they had. P ended up getting more books then me. There’s so many books, Mupps. Don’t you want feel like all you want to to do is just do nothing but read everything? P says, slightly micmicing me, but he’s also becoming like me.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019 11:37am

Santa Monica

Dear U, Happy New Year! . It’s a bright and clear day in Santa Monica . P and I had a breakthrough earlier. I’ll go into it later when I have time . I feel like Big Bird and you’re Snuffalufagus. I always talk about you and everyone’s always asking about you, but they never see you.

it’s like does she even exists? I always hear from my friends, we never see __.

It’s nice to do things as a couple. We don’t socialize.


There are no chips, I say, I’m not keeping tabs. I’m happy to do what you want to do, you just need to ask.. ..   . I’m so grateful that we have developed these non violent communication skills to have these conversations that seem slightly tense at first. But with curiosity and compassion we arrive at a shared reality.. . I’m grateful that yesterday morning, as I was youtubing cai luong, youtube randomly recommended all these videos on narcissists, who they are, how they operate, how to talk to one, etc. Since yesterday, and even now, I’m starting to put together all the pieces. That’s who she was. And I was her pawn.




Whoa, weird.

What happened to all the spaces? Everything is in paragraph form.


I’m back in Berkeley.

And just took a nice long hot bath with the coconut rose sea salt that L gave me.


I have three peeps whose name starts with A, who is seeking my advice.

One’s a love addict, one’s a love avoidant and another is discovering his homosexuality.

I see what’s happening.

People are coming to me with their pain.

And I’m here to do my best to be their balm.


Amazing Things That Happened Today

P and I arrived at a breakthrough after a somewhat heated conversation this morning.

After getting back from coffee, P asked if I wanted to hang out with anybody. He suggested E, a chick he met at cafe that he’s been hang out with or I, our mutual domme friend.

I said I wasn’t in the mood.


(I’m listening to the recording of our conversation)

I told him my preference. When I’m with him I just want quality time with him. That’s my priority. If I’m not hanging out with him, then I would rather be working on pervette, reading or just being by myself.


P then says

P went into kid mode attack.

You’re never want to go out,


If you weren’t here, I would’ve 100% went out last night.


Are you feeling social?

I just need to hear your feelings and requests.


You’ve been in your (monk mode) state for a while. For at least a year, more like 2 two years, P says.

It’s good to hear you say that, because it feels like we have different interpretations of our history, I replied.


I recount that 2017 was the year that he needed his space.

And when I wanted quality time he felt suffocated.


We were cleaning the kitchen as we had this discussion..

By the time we cleared the dishes and wiped down the counter, P came to a realization..

He doesn’t know how to make requests.

It’s like some part of him isn’t owning or expressing his feelings and needs.

This stems from his relationship with his mom, who probably didn’t create a safe space for him to express his needs.

He thinks if he makes a request (like hanging out with friends together) and I oblige, then later on he would have to oblige a request form me that he doesn’t want to do.

He saw it as this tit for tat credit/chip system.

I told him there is no such thing as a credit system in my mmind.


What I think of requests feels more like a big thing, he says.

I tell him that requests can



“What I interpret from that is..”

“What I’m hearing is”


When I ask you to do something that you don’t want to do and you do that.

Is that a chip that I just used in the relationship? P asks

There’s no chips. Know that it’s unlimited, I said.


I don’t make requests in relationships. I made passive aggressive comments. I make demands, P realized.


Know that when you make a request for something that you want to do, it actually makes me happy to do something that you want to do.


Hey mupps, I have a request that we eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, p say in his muppety voice.


P says maybe it’s good that you slow down when we’re together. Last night was great. I don’t want to diminish our time together last night.


I tell him it’s a phase. And it’s neat that it’s complementing each other right now, I say.


P says, well since you’ve always been popular since junior high and in your profession you’re always desired, you’ve had your fill.

I haven’t had that experience. I’m ultimately working from a deficit, P says..


After lunch with E, the love avoidant, I took a nap, then packed and P took me to the airport.

I listened to Pema on Audible on the flight up.


Then P2 picked me up at JetSuite in Oakland.


He says that he’s pretty certain that Cutie has magical powers because every time he’s with her or sees her, even a photo of her, he’s happier then he was before.

I agree.

I think there’s something about seeing her as alive that makes the child part of me (who believes in magic) come alive.


When we arrived back at the house, a smoke detector was beeping from low battery. It took us 20 minutes and going from the toad room to the gym to the main guest room to the master to isolate which smoke detector it was coming from. The answer was none of them. It was the carbon monoxide detector that was slightly hidden underneath the hallway table where the statue of me and P are standing.


Things I put inside me: lemon water, salmon and broccoli at Hill Stone, Paleo Puffs and sliced coconut meat from Erewhon, some green smoothie, pistachios, 2 mint chocolate truffles

Things that came in the mail: my (discontinued) Lascivious Milla bra, my (discontinued) Roland R-05 recorder I won on eBay, and Seneca’s On The Shortness of Life 

Wednesday, Jan 2, 2019 9:40am



Dear U,

I’m not having any trouble at all adjusting to writing out 2019 in my dates.

Yesterday and today I’ve been waking up very alert.


This morning, I ran through the Snuffalufagus convo with P yesterday. And I saw what was going on..

Because P didn’t know how to express his feeling and needs, he instead used conditioned love and guilt to try to get what he want.

When he says, I’m feeling more social and if you don’t want to be social with me, then that means I’ll just spend less time with you.

The reason why he doesn’t know how to express his feelings in that context he may be intellectually fine with the idea that we are free beings in our open relationship and we should be supportive of that value, but emotionally he wasn’t fine with that.

So his ego plays mental and linguistic gymnastics to try to get what he wants without saying the words that are hard for him to express, his feelings and needs.

I feel the need to find an opening (the right time when these words can land in him) to point out his unconscious behavior.

And that I don’t want to act or do something out of guilt or conditioned love, because that creates a negative feedback loop.

I’m an empath and I respond best to feelings and requests. And I get joy out of doing something that makes someone happy.

So if he can do the uncomfortable (at first) of being in touch with his feelings and make requests (even though it makes him feel vulnerable), I would be happy to do my best to honor that request..


This is so common in relationships…

We make it about the other, when it’s really about us and our resistance to do what’s unknown and uncomfortable to us..



3 Things I’m grateful for

  • Having the intuition to search for Pema’s books and decide to get and read (or listen to on audible) When Everything Falls Apart , I can feel her sage words sinking in and opening my heart. I do think the breakthrough conversations that I had with P yesterday and my sister Saturday was influenced by her.
  • The breakthrough conversations that I had with my sister and P that is shifting and elevating our relationship. I’m grateful for the time and space I’m giving myself to reflect and learn from them more.
  • I’m grateful for the opportunity to invite Aya into our home tomorrow. How my first ayahausca ceremony will be here with our friends.
  • I’m grateful for all my relationships
  • I’m grateful for the paths that are crossing, for people reaching out for advice on love and relationships and the opportunity to offer my advice
  • I’m grateful for the turn of the new year, a marker in time to create shifts within myself and the world around me
  • (I know, it’s more than 3)


What Would Make Today Great?

  • If I can reply to A, the love addict and offer her my advice
  • If I can reply to to E, the love avoidant and offer her my advice
  • If I can reply to A, and offer him my advice on how to write to his exes
  • If I can create the list for H, on the hair loss and growth remedies that she desperately wants
  • If I can eat cleanly and moderately to prepare myself for Aya
  • If I can start listing all the things I need to do for Pervette in my project planner that my sister gave back to me..

3 Affirmations

  • I am an open and compassionate truth seeker and teller
  • I am focused on creating a gift I want to give to the world
  • I am a mindful eater, and my awareness of my body and how I want to take care of it through diet and exercise is continually growing


Okay, now your turn to list what you’re grateful for, what would make today awesome, and your daily affirmations.

Let’s see if we can hold each other accountable to it, or at least you can hold me to it..




A day of prepping for Aya, I went to three grocery stores: Montery Market, Berkley Natural Grocery and Whole Foods to get ingredients for the vegetable soup I’m going to make (for the first time) and some fruit.


No salt or spices

I had a slightly bland stir-fry tonight. I just found out I wasn’t supposed to have onions, whoops.


While on the way to the market P called around 4 as he was about to leave for the airport, but decided he wanted to stay another night in Sant Monica since it’s going to take ah hour and a half to get to Burbank airport.

He sounded concerned that I would be disappointed, but I was more than happy to have another night alone..


Earlier in the afternoon, I wrote a longish email to A, offering my advice..


I feel like I’m slowing down, getting ready for Aya..


Things I put inside me: acv, my brain tea, cinnamon rose tulsi tea, pistachios, red walnuts, mint chocolate truffle, a salad I made with the last of the spring mix I got at Mother’s market in the OC and brought with me to Santa Monica then to Berkeley with egg, blueberries and walnuts, paleo puffs not cheese cheesiness, a nibble of Urban Remedy matcha, superfood and cacao chip bars, a stir fry I made with cauliflower, broccoli, and carrot and red onion, Addictive Wellness Love chocolate (my aya diet is restricted to no sugar, salt, spices, citrus fruits, I didn’t do a very good job of sticking to it)

Things I spent money on: $170 on groceries since I’m in charge of breakfast and making a vegetable soup for the group after the ceremony; $250 on Agent Provocateur Piper baby doll, my bid on ebay was accepted, I’ve been thinking about this baby doll ever since I saw it in on AP in July and they ran out of my size when it went on sale. I need a babydoll to throw over my session outfit when I open the door. since my go to AP silk babydoll got a tear in it..

Things I got in the mail:

You: The Novel by Caroline Kepnes (it’s in 2nd person)

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida,

The Enlightened Sex Manual by David Deida


Two mats for me and P to put our biomats on for our aya ceremony tomorrow



Thursday, Jan 3, 2019 5:44pm




Day of preparing our space.

I just made my first soup.

For the group to have after the ceremony..

The practitioners have arrived.

Our friends have arrived.

I already feel something in my body

Like my whole being is ready for to welcome her..


See you on the other side…


Friday, January 4, 2018, 11:44am

Moon Room


Dear U,

I just tidied up the kitchen and nook,

And I’m here on the biomat, writing to you

With dried vomit on the ends of my hair

Strangely enough I don’t care.


Everyone left last night after the ceremony.

P is downstairs sleeping.


We both had a lot to drink.

2 doses.

I came down pretty quickly.

P continued on his high for 4 more hours.

I’ve been taking care of him since.


I had a few breakthroughs.


Love love love is always the answer and always the way.


Especially with her.

I saw how my heart had hardened after what I felt was a betrayal.

I said she was a narcissist

And that I was manipulated by her.

I learned (on Youtube) that the best way to talk to a narcissist is to not engage at all.

Because narcissists can’t generate their own energy, but suck it from others.

So I made it my New Year’s resolution to distance myself from energy drainers

Like her

But then I realized.

All of that may or may not be true.

But it doesn’t matter.

Because it was all in my head.


In my heart

I know that she just needed love.


I just want to keep on knowing what’s true from my heart.



Oh and also.

I’m going to have a baby.

Maybe two.


It’s not a matter of if anymore.

But when.


The first will be with P.

The second will be with A.


Things I pout inside me: The last of the veggie soup I made last night, 1 and 1/2 egg with salt and pepper, avocado toast, roasted sweet potatoes, toast with coconut oil, paleo puffs (which was too salty for my dieta), more veggie soup I made tonight, 3 slices of toasted olive bread with coconut oil, and some walnuts

Things I bought: Attached on audible (I already own the book) and The

Saturday, Jan 5, 2019 3:33pm


Dear U,

Out of nowhere, it’s a beautiful rainy day.

Everything seems like it’s back to normalish, but there’s this subtle euphoria to my quotidian routine, cooking, cleaning, sitting here writing to you.


I feel the miracles or shifts that’s happening in reaching out.


I invited my sister to catch A Star is Born tonight. We’ve been meaning to catch that film forever, now it’s barely playing anywhere, but luckily there’s a showing at the Elmwood.


When I asked her what she wanted for Christmas a few weeks ago, she said just catching a film with me would be great.


The weirdest and most wonderful thing is I’m so looking forward to spending time with her.

You don’t understand

This is a first for me.


I invited G, my business partner, over for tea tomorrow. In our 8 years of owning a dungeon together, we never really hung out.


G and my sister were the first two people I reached out to after my night with Aya.

Coincidentally, they’re both in a decluttering phase and are in the midst of cleaning out and organizing their closets, which is very unlike them.

Everything is changing, especially the way I see


I texted Her yesterday at 11:11 to let her know that she was in my heart when I was with Aya. I told her

I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you..


I called my mom to tell her I think she should make some soup

For her and my stepdad

She stopped cooking around 1995, when she started breaking out and blamed it on the wind and cooking.


I  told her if she wants R (my stepdad) to change (he stopped giving her an allowance for a while now) she needs to change.

She needs to take care of him if she wants him to take care of her.

She agreed, she said she’ll start cooking once the bathroom remodeling is done.


She says once all the stressful things are out of the way, she can get on with her life.

I told her that’s life, things will always come up, it’s never going to completely end. This is her challenge, to learn how to meditate not let these things stress her out.

She agreed.

I told her after she prays, which she does daily, that’s her time to meditate.

She agreed.


P and I chatted earlier this morning.

He fell asleep around 9 after he got in, when he woke up around midnight, he experienced an Aya flashback.

He can still feel the medicine in him. He feels amazing.

He’s moving slowly, which is very unlike him.


We keep on saying we’re so happy it was a small group, we invited 12 of our friends, and 3 showed up:

J and L, P’s best friends, with whom he’s been exploring  psychedelics with forever.

And J’s girlfriend, M, who’s done Aya 10 times before.


P said I was right for trying to keep the group small.

P said I was also right for not wanting to haul the big giant white rug from under our bed into the orgy room for the ceremony when the medium-sized one from the toad room did just fine. Again, I was guarding our energy.

It’s new P to see these things and express it..


We do a lot of reflecting on how perfect everything is/was..



It’s so interesting how we had the same dosage and we’re having such different experiences.

He’s feeling Aya deeply.

She’s in me at a much more subtle level.

But she’s in us.


I’m so glad he’s been journaling. I can spend all day writing about him and the enormous changes I see him making, on a daily basis.


It’s hard to capture everything that’s happening..

I see and feel us evolving at this rapid speed.



Dear U,

Amazing things happen when I let go…


My sister arrived at 5:40 when I thought maybe she should arrive at 5 if she wanted to get dinner at Ramen Shop (which is usually packed especially on a rainy ramen-weather Saturday) and catch the 6:45 showing of A Star is Born).

She said there was a car accident which caused a 15 min delay. It didn’t bother me, I mean she did make the trek from the city to Berkeley hills, I can’t complain. I told her Ramen Shop is probably not gonna happen tonight. Maybe we can grab a bite near the theatre like at Summer Kitchen. She was cool with that.


She was driving super slow down the hill, I guess it was dark and the roads are pretty windy. I just let her go slow, and let the cars behind us be impatient for me.


Should we grab tickets first? L ask.

Even though I didn’t think it was necessary and the walk to the theatre and back to Summer Kitchen seem like more time lost, I said sure.


When we got to the box office there was a sign on the glass window

A Star is Born is Sold Out


What options do we have if we still wanna catch a film tonight? I ask the box office lady.

She said Vice is playing.

Eh, I thought

There’s The World Before Me at 7:30, she says.

I saw the trailer for that yesterday. That looks great.

And the subject of the film, Matt Green will be here after the showing to do a Q & A, she says.

What?? No way. That’s crazy, I said.

L was down, so I grabbed us two tickets.

The box office lady said if we wanna catch A Star is Born it’s actually playing on their big screen tomorrow and Monday at 1 and 6:45pm, which is great, because the little screen they have is pretty tiny.

L says she can do tomorrow.

I can too.



It was a good thing L suggested getting tickets first..


With the extra time we have we swung by Ramen Shop to see wha the wait was.

45 min to an hour.

Too long.

When we walked out, L started walking left, even though Millennium (my backup restaurant that I kinda wanted to go to) was on the right.

She suggested Oliveto up ahead, I said sure. There was an open table for us and we got a nice dinner and made it to the theatre jus tin time to grab decent seats right in the middle.

L and I seem like the youngest moviegoers there, everyone in the audience had gray hair.



It was kinda surreal to see the subject of the film walk up to the screen just as the film end and say

Okay, I guess I’m gonna talk more..


All the questions I had were asked and answered.

What shoes do you wear?

How did the doc come about?


After 15 min, the Q&A was moved to the lobby to make way for the next screening.


In the lobby, it became a much smaller group. I was pretty much standing right in front of Matt.

And eventually it was just me and L and him.

I asked How did you end up here?

He said the doc was playing at 3 theaters in the Bay Area

Last night he was at the Roxie

And now he’s here.

And tomorrow he’ll be in San Rafel




I shook his hands and L took a pic of us and we took off.

In my mind, I can’t shake the synchronicity of it all.

Half way down the block, I ask L can we go back, I wanna ask him if I can interview him for my website.

She said sure.

We walked back and he was still there in the lobby chatting with the theatre goth gal.

Amazing things that happened:

I let L guide the way instead of controlling and micromanaging the night which led to..


How I randomly happened upon the trailer of The World Before my Feet yesterday and then I met the subject of the doc today (because A Star is Born is sold out) and this Monday I’m going to hang out and interview him


None of this would happen if I didn’t have this x-mas shift with my sis and wanted to hang out with her and if didn’t decide to hang back here in Berkeley and not go back down to LA with P


Things I put inside me: acv, lemon water, my veggie I made last night, a spring mix salad I made with walnuts, blueberries, and egg, a sqaure of Addictive Welness Love chocolate, pistachios, walnuts, 3 slices of toasted olive bread with coconut oil; vegetarian canelonni, broccollini, brussel sprouts, and some of L’s chicken at Oliveto, a bar of Lulu’s almond chocolate

Books I’m reading: When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron (finished it on Audible), Principles by Ray Dahlio, The Empath’s Survival Guide by Judith Orloff,


Back to my previous week