Sunday, Dec 9, 2018, 11:22am


Dear U,

I woke up feeling light and warm in my body. I feel like I just to climb on to the aerial hoop today and play.

I had a dream with a meta thought that the dream reminds me of the Matrix, the film, and that’s all that I remember.


I don’t know what this feeling in my body is, it feels really clear and light.


I didn’t want to start my morning with placing orders but I did, since time is of the essence or something. I called up Maison Close in Soho, they can do next day delivery. Awesome.  So I ordered 10 veils, and 7 thong.harness playsuits for the gangbang.


I also placed an order on Amazon.

2 Universal Principles of Design books, one on researching complex problems, the other on enhancing usability

Finite and Infinite Games (rec by E)

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody

4 Sigmatic Chaga Tea


It’s gray outside. I just prayed and meditated.


I have Gene Keys on my lap. I opened up to the 41st gene key, the prime emanation


I feel ready to carve out the next iteration of the beginning of Pervette..


I feel like I’m 6 and excited to draw out a map..




After I wrote you last, I had a thought, I’m going to find this one neat green notebook with hand stitched binding and color swatched pages that I started to write in a few years ago. I wanted to write my response to an AMA in it. I knew exactly where it was in my stacks of books in the library.

I opened it up, and started reading what I wrote. I was spare with my words per page..


Hey do you want to play? (page 1)


If I don’t let it out, then we all don’t have a chance to live in the world of our dreams. We have to let it out. (page 3)


I have a theory that what’s inside all of us is the same. But if we don’t let it out we’ll never know.

What if I told you everything? What if I showed you everything?

What if I fucked with my privacy?

What if I showed you what I never told anybody?

What if I kept on coming out?

What if I can show you what it feels like to keep on coming out?

(page 4 & 5)


I have a question for you?

Did your childhood dreams lead you to your truth?

Or does your search for the truth lead you to your childhood dreams?


I just sat on the biomat most of this day, reading my notebook, Gene Keys, masturbating at times while reading, sipping on my hot drink. I wrote a first draft to A, the love addict gal who wants to be a domme.

Every now and then I would get up and practice getting up on the hoop.

I’m trying to do this one move where I kick my right leg up and let that momentum swing my whole body on to the hoop, so my hip bones rest on the hoop.

I did it. It’s so satisfying to practice at it.


I went into the library, underneath my chair holding stacks of books is my box of  notebooks. There’s about 20-30 notebooks all filled fromt he past 3-4 years. I pulled out a stack of Mnemosyne notebooks (I went through a phase when I was into the Mnemosyne notebooks) and started reading on the sheepskin rug in the library.


I hate small talk. Can we get to the bigger ?’s


Who Am I?


When did I realize I was different?


What is the best way?

The way that feels right to your heart and mind. The most thoughtful and compassionate way.


Do you still have your stuff animals? Pull it out. When was the lat time you put it away? That’s when you “grew up” and was ashamed.

[Tree of knowledge-that you are being judged?]

When did you start to feel shame?

Jr. High


What do I value?

Freedom, Creativity & Connection


What do I need?

I run on snacks, appreciation and orgasms


Why am I here?


What am I supposed to do with my life?


It goes on…



It was a perfect day of doing what little me wanted to do.

I read and pleasured myself.

I read the 31st Gene Key as well.


P2 came over at 3:44 to do dmt

He had a day of mixed feelings.

He’s disappointed that no one other than me has been engaging the Cutie tumblr blog.

Don’t people care about poetry anymore?

I told him it’s time to abandon tumblr

(Since it’s abandoned us pervs)

It’s time to do the Cutie blog on our own platform

I told him I’ll create a profile for him on Pervette and he can post his Cutie posts here

Which is where I always wanted him to do it anyways.

It never felt right to me that the Cutie blog was on tumblr but it was his project and he was comfortable with Tumblr

He seem resistant but resigned to switch over.


I’ve been learning how to not let P2’s melancholy moods affect mine, it’s a practice for empaths like me.


He told me his intentions going to his DMT experience.

To be open to anything/everything that happens.

Something else

And to learn about the mystery of Cutie.


We laid in the playpen in the orgy room with Cutie on his chest. I showed him what to do with the DMT pen.

He did it. With his eyes closed.

He says he feels more disconnected than before.

I said that’s okay. That can happen when you close your eyes. Let’s go outside. I always love doing it while starting at trees.


With Cutie in his satchel we went for a Cutie’s spot is what P2 called it. As the sun set, we both took a hit. I held mine in for a while.

I watched the sun set as my body floated.


On the walk back, I told P2 he can babysit Cutie for the night. He was happy to hear that. He said he’ll drop her off tomorrow morning before he goes to work. That sounds perfect, I said.


P brought in the circular mirrors from his car that I had him get from the dungeon studio (they were just laying around unhung in the dressing room), that were once at Nema. I had him set them in the toad room.

I woke up this morning thinking about bringing those circular mirrors into the toad room, which right now since last night is the podcast room


He took out the trash, helped me take down the backdrop. I saved a piece of the backdrop to draw on later. My map..


I released P2 so I can get back to my reading/writing time.


Funny how last Tuesday I wanted to see A to tell him everything I learned about him and us last weekend in Tahoe. But now the thought of leaving the house feels impossible. My ego has waned. I’ll just write a thoughtful letter..


I have no appetite today. I just nibbled on some cheese and a bosc pear. ANd I’ve been sipping on my hot chocolate drink, that I froth in batches.


My feet are back to normal, maybe even better and more sensitive than before my snow angel ice burn.


I keep on expecting lightning to strike outside my window.

I think I’m ready for something huge to shake me.


I don’t tell you everyday that everyday I’ve been lighting three candles, one at the Guanyin altar by the moon room, one by the many armed Gaunyin in the foyer, and one by the Gaunyin in by the front door alcove.


Also, I’ve been seeing new hair grow on my head. Maybe the Nutrafol vitamins, the slantboard, or hair brushing, scalp massage is working.


I snip a maple leaf branch and stick it in my vase. The leaves are so ruby red right now.


It’s a very meditative day. In fact, I feel like I can mediate for hours. I should. But I want to read poetry.


I haven’t told you, for a while now I would chant this same melody, over and over, almost daily. Oftentimes right after I meditate, or shower, or get in some good writing. I don’t know where it came from. I’d had it in me (or out of me) for over a year now. It sounds Vietnamese to me. It’s both beautiful and sad to me. It feels like an echo of tears. Like a melody that’s trying to say I hear you, I feel you crying. Lately it’s been coming out louder and clearer.


In Gene Keys, I came across a new word/concept/idea

Morphogenetic field- an invisible energy field that’s communicating information across time and space

Oh now I get it.

That’s where this is all coming from


J texts, he says it’s so fun planning this gangbang with me. He’s looking forward to the adventures ahead.

I reply that it has been fun. Yess to adventures. And I like how it’s going to start with a bang.


I’m so glad S and I parked that domain name a few months ago



Amazon same day just delivered Universal Methods of Design and my chaga tea.


I wrote out the beginning of my reply to A, the love addict. Then I recommended the book Attached.

I remember the random seed I had the other week. I should be an Amazon Affiliate. So I signed up.


Then I emailed P,

Hey Muppsy!

Can you be the first to test out my Amazon Affiliate link?

Can you buy this book


And then proceed to buy a fuck ton of stuff on Amazon for the next 24 hours?


$lut Mupp


P calls. He says he has big BIG news. I ask what what ?? He says he’s gonna move. What? To where? I ask.

He sends me a link.

Is it an affiliate link? I ask.


I open my email as we chat.

It’s link to a real estate listing

To another unit inside his current building.

There was an open house in his building and one of the larger units was going for 2.4 million or 8300 a month in rent, which was 1300 more than what he’s currently paying for his place. And it’s more than twice the size.

It’s a bright corner unit, just recently remodeled, the kitchen is way bigger, and there’s 2 bedrooms.

We’ve always complained about how the current place was only made for one. This feels spacious. And his current lease is up by the end of the year. We only vacillated for a minute. We both feel like it was meant to be.

P kinda has a history of moving from one unit to another in three buildings he’s lived in in the past. The St. Regis in SF and the Midtown Apt in Tokyo. Both those buildings and his current place have been places he really enjoyed.


I had a nostalgic flashback to the apt in Midtown Tokyo. 35th floor, corner unit, incredible entry way and cute front desk staff, on top of a museum and pretty mall that had the best (and most expensive) fruit store ever. That place was pretty special.


What I put inside me: alkaline water (goes without noting daily); lemon water with total nutrition powder (tasted terrible), hot chocolate protein drink with maca, mucana, cacao, ashwaghanda, turmeric, cinnamon, vanilla, mct oil, coconut oil, and monkfruit; finished a block of goat cheese with pear, roasted brocollinni (first for me, inspired by S’s current obsession of roasting everything, the trick to making it crispy, tons of olive oil, give it space in the cookie pan, and 450 degrees, super yummy), briney sheepsmilk cheese, more goat cheese, and ginger tea, oh and a microdose of chocolate mushroom in the morning and a good hit of DMT during sunset


Monday, December 10,  2018 11:44am


Dear U,

I slept for a good 8 hours. I went straight to bed bed around 11:30 last night.

This morning I was half asleep when the Ward bros. knocked on the door at 8:18am. They were 12 minutes early.

They remind me of P2, very soft spoken and submissive.


It’s so important, I realize, to never be woken up by anything or anyone other than your own internal clock.

Even though I got quite a bit of sleep relative to my other nights, I feel slightly sleepy still.

It could just be the very relaxed mood I’m in.

They started work upstairs. I was downstairs in the bedroom, meditating, reading. P2 came by, Special Delivery, he said as knocked and came into bring back Cutie. I love how he carries her sittingup right in on top of his sweater in his open satchel bag. She’s treated like royalty.

The more people treat her like she’s alive, she becomes more alive.


I feel meditative, that’s what it is..

I should meditate.


When I’m low energy.

It’s not a bad thing.

I used to think it was because I privileged productivity and speed.

I thought I would need to eat more or take something to get back to where I thought I should be.

Now I know it’s my body telling me slow down, give yourself this space to be still,

In this stillness, what needs to come to you will come to you.

Now I relish this slowness.

Now I meditate.


I got two messages come through pervette.

A supposed sub said he waited a year for my “precious reply” to him

Please be my friend, he says, I can’t understand your site at all.


Another asked if I still had rape fantasies

“and if yes, would you like to be raped by me?”


I’m amused.

Before I might’ve been annoyed or offended.

I think I couldn’t have started the “engagement” piece of pervette a month sooner.

It had to come after my last silent retreat.

I feel like my cultivated stillness has given me all the skills I need to be a warrior.

In Pema’s book S gave me the other night, the Bodhisattva path is the path of the hero or heroine, the path of the spiritual warrior whose weapons are gentleness, clarity of mind and an open heart.


Windows are cleaned. I can see clearly now.


This house is always a metaphor.


I look inside my closet and drawers. So many memories. My next art project is called Letting Go. Every artifact will be documented, beautifully packaged with a handwritten and numbered note. My memories will spread.


I wish I had kept track of my the themes of my weekly reading for my Buddhist class. The parallels are uncanny.


This week is about Poets and Analytics.


This Universal Methods of Design books is incredible.

I flipped it open The Love Letter and The Breakup Letter.

I’m going to write a love letter to Pervette.


I have 8 books open. Jumping around from one to the next.

I feel so alive when I consume these words.

They feed my soul.

I guess I love buffets.


I need to figure out the structure of Pervette so that I can organize all my notes on the books I read. So many amazing lines and passages, how can I contain them all and share them with you in a way that flows?


I wonder if I can just communicate in quotes.


P2 gave me this watercolored quote this morning when he returned Cutie


“Only a fragment carries a mark of authenticity.”

-Bertold Brechl


This is the balm to my concern that I will never have the time to share every moment with you.


You only get the fragments that I fear will slip away.


I keep on thinking I’ll go back and share with you the actual memorable moments. The hilarious and deep and meaningful are all cut out. The actual conversations. They’re not here, because it’s so clear in my head (or their head)(or in my recorder) I have no fear that it’ll slip away. It’s the fleeting thoughts, the moods, the random details that I notice when I’m alone, that’s what I’m trying to capture as quickly as I can before they dissolve.


I don’t mind how some don’t get what this is.

For those who do, for those who say yes to me and my recorder and my fantasy, thank you and please come in.


Maybe they want a dominatrix-y site.

I guess I went the other way.

This doesn’t satisfy their lust.


I feel little pangs of tinglyness in my legs.

I’m in my body.


Everyday I see the Tahoe trip a little bit more clearly.

I think I didn’t give A what he wanted.

He wanted me to want him

I decided I didn’t want to play his game this time

But I was also playing a game

Of who can want each other less

That’s power

We thought.

We didn’t want to give that to each other.

That’s what it was.

Did we really want power?

Probably not.

We wanted intimacy.

But we were playing it safe

Or too cool.


In the end

safe and cool

Just stings and burns.



3:44pm I’m sweating..


This week

P’s bad rhyming lately.

Class reading on poets in the Samyutta Nikaya

My insatiable desire to get drunk on poetry.


I’m counting out the syllables of my lines

I think this is a good direction


Tuesday, Dec 11, 2018


Meditative morning

Last day of class.

We each shared a passage we liked from the Samyutta


Proficient, long trained in concentration,

Honest, discreet, without longing, 

The sage has attained the peaceful state, 

Depending on which he bides his time,

Fully quenched within himself.


Everything above succinctly describes what I want to practice on.


I don’t think there’s any other person in the world you’d want to be studying under, said K, my former grad advisor/life advisor. She’s talking about Gil Fronsdal.

I kinda agree.

I’m not giving him a letter for a name. Because the man is a Bodhisattva. He has nothing to hide. And you should google him and seek his words.


I don’t think think there’s a class or group doing something like this in the world, says, D, our co-teacher for our Samyutta Nikaya class. She’s talking about a group ofscholars coming together to read and analyze the source text of Buddhism.


I’m feeling quite grateful for this opportunity to be close to Gil and to study the scriptures this closely with him and the group. What was quite special was hearing his interpretations and radical ideas. The group being his groupies who take every class he offers, which I’ve been doing for the past year +.


What’s exciting is seeing how this source text, the Nikayas, is still a mystery. There’s more work to be done to decode it. And the more you read it, the more it opens up to you.

There’s a true engagement this book.

It’s not just reading, it’s chanting the words out loud, reciting, memorizing, seeing he patterns..


After class, I went up N, to the soft spoken fellow two seats away from me and asked about his research into clothing manufacturing and its effects. I told him I’m interested in learning more since I’ve been thinking about starting a clothing line. I can tell he was happy I came up to him and we’re exchanging numbers.

Ge said he also wants to learn more about what I’ve been doing since I got my PhD. I told him I’m a dominatrix. Well, and educatrix now, focusing on dispelling misconceptions.

I do enjoy seeing people’s eyes when I say those magic words..

It’s as though the very  act of uttering, I’m a dominatrix, dispels the misconception of who a dominatrix is.


When I came home the cleaners were out front waiting for me. They’ve been waiting for an hour. I told them I had texted L this morning, the woman who runs the service, that I’ll be home later then when they arrive and the key is under the mat. I pull the key from under the mat and they both had the oh my god, really? look on their face.

On the doormat was also the Maison Close package of veils and playsuits. Yay, it arrived.


As the cleaners cleaned downstairs, I made lunch, ate then had my call with the Houston domme to coordinate the logistics of the gangbang.

She gave me more insight into the the relationship of J and B. It’s a sugarbaby/daddy thing.


It’s interesting to her what the sugardaddy thinks the relationship is

And then to hear what the sugarbaby thinks the relationship is.


She’s a burlesque performer who performs with fire. So the night will begin with some fireplay on B, the ganbangee.

That sounds hot, I tell her, then after the fireplay, I will blindfold her, top her and one by one point to our gangbangers, and invite them to play with her and fill her holes.

Anal, if we go there, should wait till the very end, I suggest.

The domme has a partner who’s also a domme, who will be coming as well.

We both feel pretty lezzy and like we just want to play with girls.

We see it more as all about B and her defilement and the group of women all probably having a girl on girl play party as the 3 men get to watch or fuck B.


House is clean.


I go out to catch the sunset. I bump into T and her dog as she’s grabbing her mail. She invites me in. I come in..


Her house has the most epic view of the bay. From her window she points out all the main streets of Berkeley. That’s Gilman, that’s University, that’s Solano, etc.

I think older people know how to keep the conversation going by trying to be informative..

I tell her I have to get ready for dinner, trying out a new place called Jaunita and Maude.

She tells me I have to tell her how it is..

I said, yes, will do.

And I slip away..


I grab dinner with D at Jaunita and Maude. Amateur service, he says. He’s an executive chef, so he knows, and I can agree.

The menu is all over the place, dumplings, tacos, pasta…

We catch up. He’s been seeing a girl he met on Tindr. She’s smart, 36, and has a kid, and she can drink a fuck ton.

She gets jealous when he talks about me to her.

When she gets drunk, she turns into a selfish monster.


Fuck, Sadie! she yells and slams the door on him when he tells her he has to go home to tend to Sadie, his dog.

So many red flags.


He’s been really getting into yoga.

His friend moved out to live with his gf. So he’s getting a new roommate to help cover the mortgage.

He’s working on building a dining room table.

He just organized his tool shed.

I tell him I’m so proud of him.

I can see that’s he’s taking the right steps. And making his way out of his depression.

What I put inside me: lemon water, dragon herbs tea or chaga tea, plantain pancake and goat butter; romaine salad with miso dressing, supposedly crispy but kinda soft brussel sprouts, duck tacos and roasted chicken, brillat savarin cheese at Jaunita & Maude with D.

 Wednesday, Dec 12, 2018 9:44am

Dear U,

I’m masturbating, with my macbook resting on the blanket that’s in between my legs, writing to you. Aww it feels so good. And ridiculously indulgent, to wake up and masturbate, read (Finite and Infinite Games), order notebooks and vitamins.

The one non self indulgent thing I did was donate to a friend’s GoFundMe, I just received an email form her, she almost died from a double pneumonia 2 weeks ago. Yikes.

A terrorist opens fire on a Christmas market in Strausbourg, France. 2 died. 12 are critically wounded.

Life is so fragile.


I just set you down and came.


This morning is off to a slightly scattered start.

Before I can finish one thing I’m on to the next..


The house is officially spotless. But there’s lace, vibrators, veils, and playsuits that need to be put/packed away.

Stacks of book and notebooks to be organized.

I should shower..


I called up Roto Rooter to clear the clogged drainpipes, they can send someone over today 3-5. That’s the time I’ll be picking up P from the airport and getting supper with him at Belcampo.

Do you have anything later?

How about 5-7?



Last time I was late to picking P up at JetSuiteX, this time I was early and his flight was late.

I didn’t mind, I had my book and parking and hanging out at JetSuiteX is so pleasant.

When P got in, he saw me and tried to hide behind a pillar. I got up close and we started circling around the pillar, he knows how to move so that I can barely catch or see him.


On the way to Belcampo, I call P2 up and ask if he can be at the house when the Roto Rooter folks come, since I’m with P and we’re going to get dinner. He just got back from work, he sounds tired and slightly whiny.

He says him being there isn’t going to be that helpful since he doesn’t know where the drain problems are.

I said fine, I just thought it would be an opportunity to see him for his birthday, which is tomorrow, the 13th, since I’ll be in Houston.

He says we wouldn’t really have time together since I’ll be with P. I told him that P is going into the city for the company holiday party after we get dinner, so it’ll be me and him. And Cutie’s home right now so he can hang out with her before I get back.

It’s just an opportunity, I said.

Suddenly he’s sold, and he says enthusiastically he’ll be there.

When I got off the phone, P says it sounds like NLP what I did..


I got porkchops. I ate the roasted carrots off P’s plate, and the brussel sprouts

To be continued..

What I put inside me: freshly juiced carrot juice,


Thursday, Dec 13th, 2018


My girlfriend organizes a gangbang, and all I get to do is look over the invoice, P laments.



Just replaced the 3rd page with a placeholder

Going nowhere fast


I feel better


No more embarrassing words

for now


Just gonna make you wait for it

While I figure it out myself



Back to my previous week