Sunday, Feb 10, 2019

(Looking back..From what I can remember on Feb 27)

Day of cleaning.

.

P and I woke up around 9:30. We went to bed around 6.

.

A7 had already left. T is asleep in the guest room.

.

P goes out to get breakfast at Baker and Common, and get some cash because

The Case of the Missing Cash continues..

.

I get up and walk around and survey the disarray.

It’s not too bad.

I nibble on some manchego from the cheese platter.

.

P2 comes over and he picks out the cupcakes and food he wants to take, and tosses the scraps. He starts cleaning the dining room area.

.

C, the carpet cleaner, arrives soon after. He’s a tall half black dude with a ton of character. He is happy to see me and majorly bummed that I, for the 3rd year in a row, did not invite him to my party.

.

He can tell from the dildos and strap-ons, whips, and coke-dusted mirror laying around, it was epic.

.

P calls to ask how much money does he need to get to pay for the cleaners today. I guesstimate 1200. Which is exactly how much is missing from last night.

.

I show C all the sofas, rugs, and zafuton pillows that need to be cleaned, he gets to work.

.

T is up. He recalls how last night when he first got in a little past midnight, when he heard the screaming, he thought that was my biggest fan. And it turned out it was me.

He drove 7 hours in the rain to come to the party, it was well worth it he said.

.

I feel bad for A, who drove through a snowstorm from Reno and made it to Berkeley around 2am but didn’t want to arrive when everyone was fucked up so she turned back around the next morning.  At least what I understood from our texts the next day.

Where did she stay? I wondered.

.

You don’t have to hide that from me, C, the carpet cleaner says, he’s talking about the coke on the mirror. I tell him to help himself. So he does.

Wow! That’s good stuff! You can tell by the way it glides down your sinus. The cheap shit burns, this doesn’t at all.

.

P and P2 were the fist to cut into my birthday cake, they enjoyed the rich Miette chocolate cake with tiers of buttercream. I had a tiny bite of P’s. It was really sweet.

Tuesday, Feb 12, 2019 9:24pm

 

Dear U,

It’s been a while since I wrote to you. I’ve been recovering from the party.

Even today I was feeling wonky.

.

I woke up feeling strange, like I’m still high and just the slightest bit hung over from MDMA.

I moved slowly and had a nice meditation in the moon room.

.

Around 10am, I decide to make a veggie soup with the last of the celery, carrot, sweet potato, and shitake mushrooms. And the Belcampo chicken bone broth. I love it when I can be super efficient with food..

.

Cooking and eating mindfully was good.

.

P texted, Gentle reminder, to get a taskrabbit to haul the trash before I leave for NY, don’t want a stinky garage when I get back.

.

The taskrabbit login/signup took me out of my mindful flow.

.

I yelped a hauling service instead. I think we need professionals to take care of the giant mixed pile of recyclables and trash..

.

I thought I was going to pervette, but instead, I started replying to a lot texts that were coming in from after the party, friends thanking me, telling me what a great time they had, and how we should hang out more..

.

I forget how social I have to be around this time of year. If I don’t reply (like I usually do) it just seems exceptionally uncouth.

.

I was about to fall asleep when the trash haulers came. They were like a Sonny and Lenny (of Mice and Men) team. The friendly one shook my hand, was grateful for the bottle of Smart water I offered. And asked me what I think of my Himalayan salt lamp.

.

They thought their quote 185 was gonna be too much for me, but I said that’s fine. I gave them 205 (I would’ve given more but I only had hundreds, a 5, and a few singles on me). They were surprised and really grateful for the tip.

.

Wow, it’s cold, I said to the haulers. The Lenny one says a storm is coming in.

.

My mind kept rewinding back to the party. How ridiculous my speech was.

.

Note to self: DO NOT DO MDMA BEFORE GIVING YOUR SPEECH

.

I feel delusional.

While giving the speech I felt great (that’s because I was on MDMA)

After the speech I felt amazing (because I was still on MDMA).

And people came up to me to tell me how moved they were by my speech

But then the day after, when I came to my senses, and P tells me it was a very muppety speech, how I was rambling, repeating myself, and talking about LOVE is the way, a lot.

Jesus Christ.

What was I saying????

.

P said he wish he would have prefaced the speech for me by  saying I was on Molly.

That would’ve helped.

That would at least explain the crazy screaming I did at the beginning..

.

Omg I just saw some of the pics and videos of me blowing out the candles..

OMG I look like a crazy woman howling.

WTF

.

On my sunset walk, my mind kept on rewinding back to that embarrassing speech  a man walking by with his dog smiles as he sees me putting my hand to my head, can’t stop thinking about it.

Stay present. I need to stay present. And not give a fuck.

But I’m me. And I do.

.

I crafted 28 thoughtful replies..

.

2 deliveries: one was from C, a set of keys for his (insane) NY pad that I’ll need for tomorrow when I get in.  The other were Farmgirl Flowers (magenta roses and green orchids).

I checked into my flight for tomorrow. I don’t want to go to NY tomorrow. I still need more time to rest. To Pervette.

.

Last week I had this weird premonition that I wasn’t gonna go to NY because there’ll be a storm. I told P this.

He says I think that because I don’t want to go.

.

I text L to let her know I’m flying in tomorrow and ask her to organize a group dinner on either Thursday, Monday or Tuesday for me, her, D, L and maybe K. Basically 3 Asian pro dommes, an escort, and a sex writer. She gets on it.  Normally I would take on this task. But L’s a foodie, knows NY better than me and  she loves organizing get togethers and making reservations

.

Email from Delta, there’s some weather conditions in the Northeast that might affect my flight tomorrow..

.

P calls me after he got out of his first improv class.

When everyone went around and had to say one interesting thing about himself, he said,

I’m in an open relationship with a professional dominatrix.

That was a mic drop moment, he said, and and everyone was instantaneously interested.

Thanks Mupps, for making me look cool.

.

I moan to P about how embarrassed I am about my speech, in part because i totally am and also because I know he loves hearing me sound sheepish and embarrassed.

.

I really play it up for him, I’m Embarassed Mupps.

He gets a good laugh out of it.

.

He said he realized on Monday when we were returning the rug that maybe there’s something in our relationship that makes it so that I think I have to do these things alone. Like if I had practiced my speech in front of him first, he could’ve given me some pointers.

.

 

What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, veggie soup I made, a spoonful of bee pollen in honey J and L gave me, a spoonful of the chocolate and honey L (different L) gave me for my birthday, a whole bag of the Real Coconut coconut flour tortilla chips with the guacamole I ordered from Birite but didn’t end up using for the party, tea, more veggie soup.

 

Wednesday, Feb 13, 2019 10:58am

 

Dear U,

I’m so happy I changed my flight to tomorrow instead of today. It feels like I jut gained a free day alone and at home, to pervette.

.

It’s pouring right now. I’m sitting in the moon room, it’s dark and gray and the coffee table hasn’t been moved back to its usual spot. I’m on the moon rug writing to you on a small acrylic table sitting on a zafu that’s sitting on a biomat.

.

I’m getting slightly anxious that I haven’t recorded my past few days in detail. Will I remember what I ate? Why is that so important to me? I think it’s because that I think that if I can remember what I ate, I can actually recall that day. What I put in my becomes a mnemonic device.

.

I woke up today to the sound of the rain dripping into my room and hitting the bucket that I left below. The leak is still there. Its sound makes me feel like I’m living in a very muppety house. It remind me of a Winnie the Pooh cartoon that I saw when I was 6, it was about a very windy blustery day.

.

I feel that strange feeling again. Like I’m still high and hollow. Like I should either be meditating or pervetting.

Thank goodness I did meditate and I’m pervetting now.

.

I had a strange dream. I ordered bison. I was in a very open and sterile refrigerator section of a warehouse. There was more, it felt there were clues to pervette in it. I woke up knowing that my crazy speech I gave was not for naught.

I have my speech recorded. And I also have the sound of me sounding crazy embarrassed talking to P about my ridiculous speech the next day, which I think sounds pretty muppety and silly. All of that I get to share in some random corner of Pervette.

That’s the point of it all, to share the uncomfortable.

.

I have a kanker sore on my tongue, it’s from all the chocolate I’m eating..

.

I can smell the roses from the flowers that R and A had delivered to me.

.

It’s 11:11…

.

11:22pm

 

I’m so happy I rescheduled my flight to tomorrow. Best decision I could’ve made. I had today to pervette. I expanded When you were born..

.

Then I got my nails done, went to Pharmaca to get some L-Lysine for my kanker sore (it worked!), then to the bank. It was unusually warm for a windy wet day. It still feels kinda warm right now (I poke my head outside).

.

After I came back from my errands, around 6. This was the same time P was getting out of his improve class. I secretly hoped that he doesn’t call me because l I felt that strange feeling again. I meditated, then it received a download on what to say/do for the Breakup Bootcamp workshop this weekend.

Just as I finished writing all it out, P called at 7:16. He said he was just to call me at 6 but his friend, J, called him and they chatted. J said the highlight of the party for him was my speech. He said I was definitely in my rockstar moment.

.

Earlier K texted asking me if I can send him the video of my speech.

.

How can people like my crazy speech??

Am I delusional or are they?

.

My gut was telling me to not go to to the Bootcamp on Friday, but Saturday. I texted A2 and asked if that was cool. She said yes but she wanted me to stay till the end on Monday instead of Sunday if I was gonna come in later. That felt right to me.

I saw in the schedule she added a second Domme session with me and her co-teaching. I called her and asked what she had in mind. She wasn’t quite so sure herself. We started planning it out. It will be a more embodied session..

I told her the mask idea that I borrowed from Midori. And I also offered a modification to the closing circle which I borrowed from my Do Good Things With Power retreat, which took place this time last year.

.

Last year after my birthday, I flew out to snowy Connecticut to participate in a retreat. Now this year, I’m flying out to freezing cold NY to teach at a retreat.

Palindrome.

.

I have energy to pack tonight.

Unlike last night.

.

Note to self: Listen to your body

It tells you everything.

 

Thursday, Feb 14, 2019,

 

P2 comes over, plays with Cutie as I pack.

.

Do you think the reason why you feel embarassed by your speech is because you’re taking P’s words for it? P2 asks.

Yeah.

.

I transfer the audio files from my recorder tomy hard drive, we listen to my speech..

.

And get a good laugh at the screaming..

It’s actually not that bad..

A little long, but kinda hilarious..

.

P2 drives me to the studio, his car has been acting up and he’s afraid it might not makeit across the bridge

I grab a Lyft from the studio to SFO, and talk to P along the way

.

I tell him that I think he might’ve made me feel crappy about my speech.

I didn’t make you feel anything, he said, you did.

You’re right, it’s my interpretation

.

Just as the Lyft was pulling up to the curb, I told P my realization in real time.

.

Every one tells me I’m amazing, but you don’t. You tell me like it is.

And I appreciate it, because that’s where the potential for growth is.

But because what you say means so much to me, and I’m always aiming for 100%, and when you give me 85%, I dwell and amplify the 15% like it’s all shit.

.

I guess I just want Daddy to tell me I’m perfect.

.

I ate a CBD chocolate bar on the ride over.

I walk from the Lyft to security.

Uh, check your bag, says the TSA woman, she’s confused by me.

Oh right! I said.

I do the curbside check in, why doesn’t everyone do this?

.

I’m grateful the flight is delayed, I get to eat my salad..

.

On the plane, I watch Bohemian Rhapsody (entertaining), RBG (too many talking heads), and Jane Fonda in 5 Acts (pretty good I only got through it half way before we landed)

.

I don’t care what the guy next to me thinks, I’m holding Cutie in my arms. She’s watching the film too.

.

When I look down at her watching the film with me, oh my god, she’s so cute..

.

The screen is glitchy in its’ button sensitivity, I can’t stop and abandon a film, I have to watch it all the way to then

.

I lyft to C’s place. He’s not there this week. I spread out across this giant 3000 sq ft pad.

.

How did I get so lucky? To be nearly broke but always living it up.

.

Thank god for sugar daddies.

.

 

As soon as I walked in I felt my breath getting longer, I took off my pants and started to mediate. My body just tells me when, and I do it.

After, I strip and wash my airplane clothes. I draw myself a bath in the master bath, soak for an hour.

Then went to bed with Cutie.

 

Friday, Feb 15, 2019 12:19pm

 

Dear U,

 

I’m in NY. It feels nice to be here. Already a lot is happening.

I’m about to go meet up with Matt Green.

Then my old roommate from UCLA

Then my best friend from 3rd grade, she has a baby now!

And maybe I’ll text D later since I missed his show last night and  I’ll be near his space today.

In a span of 44 min I went from a completely  open day to a pretty packed one..

.

I feel strange again. I feel it in my breath.

Like I should be meditating…

.

1:38am

 

Dear U,

I just got back. It was one of those magical NY days..

Everything flowed.

.

First off, the weather was insanely perfect. 72 degrees? It was almost warm.

.

I was in my comfy black uniform: black tennis shoes, black alo moto sweatpants, black sweatshirt and black rick owens leather jacket, and micoli purse/fanny pack, no bag, hands free.

.

I walked to Chelsea Market. Arrived at 1:05, M came up to me. We hugged and started walking, he took me to the pier, we stepped over the caution tape, and walked along the empty pier along the driving range. It’s usually crowded he says. The caution tape helped.

.

Clink. We can never track the golf ball all the way, when it’s in the air, it disappears for a moment.

.

Sometimes you can swipe a golf ball if it’s near the fence.

Oh like an opening, right there? I point out. There weren’t any golf balls near the flared part of the chain link fence.

Do you have a pen? he asks

I pull an orange Ohto pen out of my fanny purse. He uses it to tap the golf ball towards the opening..

And we have a golf ball

That he bounces as he asks me questions

About what I do.

The roles have been reversed.

He’s interviewing me now.

.

It’s so cool that you’ve found a way to do what you really love, he says (or something like that). Most people would be happy if they can just have a fraction of that.

.

At a few moments it looked as though the golf ball had hit an uneven part og the ground and was going to bounce into the water.

.

You want to hold it now?

No, you keep bouncing it, I tell him.

.

At the end of our walk, he pouts the golf ball in the oversized hoodie of my learther jacket.

He walks me to my next destination..

.

Hanamizuki is the cutuest japanesey cafe ever. They specialize in rice balls.

I love rice balls.

.

A, my old roommate, who’s gay and I had sex with once (after we were roommates), was so happy to see me. He’s actually never been here, he just thought it was a cute place he wanted to check out..

.

He had anal fissure surgery just a few weeks ago, this is is his first real meal.

.

We’re in cute heaven.

.

We catch up he broke it up with this narcissist he was seeing.

He’s concerned that he might be attracted/addicted to the drama and the charm.

.

He thinks it’s amazing that my sister went to my birthday party.

I guess we have come a long way.

.

We both have visions have making kid television shows and porn as mediums of education..

.

I walk him to his meeting, we part, I ask of a good toy store.

He says Dinosaur Hill is good..

.

I’m terrible with directions. I got turned around several times.

But it was so nice outside

And I stumbled into a naturalpathic store that had a vitality bar.

I get the beauty bone broth elixir

and spicy cacao ball

.

I never made it to Dinosaur Hill.

Instead I found Rizzoli. I remember when there was a Rizzoli at the mall I sued to go to in Orange County..

I walk in and found 4 books for S’s baby girl, U.

.

My first musical instrument book (it had buttons you can press to hear music played from each instrument)

Who is Smiling? (a board book with cut outs in it that

1 2 3 ( another beautifully designed book)

The elephant bathtime book, once immersed in water, the B&W page changes, it gets colored by the water..

.

 

I stop by Alchemist Kitchen. I get a small loaf of the gluten free banana bread and Lovet Potion tonic.

.

I visit S and meet her boyfriend and baby U, she’s just 6 weeks old. I meet her partner.

They live in a tiny studio apartment above Domino’s and a boba shop.

.

The place feels tiny for one. Crazy tiny for a couple, dog, and baby.

And they’re both artist hoarders..

.

I hold Umi for a minute.

I feel like I don’t know how to hold this cute little blobby thing.

.

S’s bf, W grew up in that apt, it’s rent controlled.

He’s never really left home.

.

S couldn’t walk for weeks, she got tore up.

Jesus.

.

W says we should go out and he can watch the baby, S hasn’t really left the house since the baby was born.

She takes me to her favorite Tibetan spot, Himalaya cafe diagonally across the street. We beat the rush at 7pm. We ordered #10, #23, #24 (veggie curry with glass noodle, that was my pick). Everything was spicy and yummy, we polished our plates.

.

We brought back food for W, I freshened up at S’s place, she lent me some blush.

.

Then I walked over to D’s studio, which was 3 min away from S’s place.

.

I lurked outside then he opened the door. We hugged and he took me in.

What would you like to drink?

I peered in his fridge, he . had an unopened bottle of apple cider vinegar.

I’ll have some apple cider vinegar and sparkling water..

You’re such a freak.

.

I sit in his new director’s chair.

.

We go upstairs, he pulls out two tiny baggies of coke.

I did a small line or two..

And that’s how we started our evening.

.

He talks like a lush, an intelligent one.

.

There’s something about our energy, two sapiosexuals, enjoying how our minds melt..

.

The air is perfect, we have our arms around each other’s hips.

.

He mentioned this last time, how much he likes my hips.

.

At Monomono, they all know him there. I met the owner last time I was here, he brought the K to the party, which we all did.

.

The place is part flowershop, part, cafe, part bar. Beautifully done.

The cocktails at Monomono are works of art. Bouquet of flower as garnish. Instagrammable.

.

L, the servder, recommends the mushroom glass noodle.

I’m on a glass noodle kick.  I can’t say no. It was delish.

.

He loves it that I’ve been recording..

.

You’re crazy and you’re intelligent. That’s so rare.

.

He’s terrified of me, he hates me, what is he gonna do with me

.

Does every guy fall for you like I do? I rarely get this way.

.

Even though he slurs at times, I like our banter..

.

We go to Public Hotel, the scene of the crime..

.

Hey D, you haven’t answered my texts, says the black elevator to the rooftop bar guy, I want that footage you shot..

It got pretty confrontational, like in the movies..

.

Then we quickly mosey on to the Bowery..

The scene there is strange, where’s the music? Bridge and Tunnel night, yikes. We slip through the backside and landed at the restaurant bar, much better

.

He tells me about his disaster dates.

How he ended up in Jersey, with this woman who just had surgery

You mean she’s a dude? I jump to the punchline

No she has a growth. I couldn’t do it.

Good call.

.

Then there was the girl who did K and started crying.

Then there was the girl who wanted to talk on the phone for hours.

Jesus Christ, I said.

.

Have you considered seeing a professional? I asked.

You won’t have to deal with the growth, the cryer or the talker if you see a pro.

No. I just don’t want to catch anything.

What are you talking about? You’re way better off with a pro.  It’s their livelihood to stay clean.

But I don’t want to fuck with a condom. It’s like why I don’t want to put a case on this, it’s a work of art (he waves his glassy iphone)

.

Money is the condom. That’s why you see a pro, I tell him.

.

He joins me in having chamomile tea after he finished his drink.

He asked about my relationship with my partner.

.

I tell him about P and our open LAT relationship.

.

Would you, do you have sex for money?

I told him I haven’t. But I’ve considered the Colette version of courtesaning it, with a twist.

.

I tell him about my Gradual Training idea.

.

You’re gonna have to work for it.

By the time I want to fuck you, every woman will want to fuck you.

.

You’re not actually paying for me to fuck you..

.

He thinks we have a premise for a brilliant show..

Will She or Won’t She

He calls it. This is too good, he says, The timing is right.

I love how he gets excited about ideas, like I do, or even more.

He wants to do a something (test?) shoot on Tuesday.

.

Maybe he’s not aware..

But it’s already happening..

.

We kiss on the street.

We catch a cab, he gives the driver his address, I told him I want to dropped off first.

We kiss goodnight.

.

Funny how I woke up this morning thinking this might be a free day of me just wandering around town solo..

.

I still need to write out what I’m going to say/do for the workshop Sunday..

.

I’m not tired (it’s prolly the coke), but I should sleep.

.

Earlier today, I realize this strange feeling I’ve been feeling, it feels like I’m constantly high in a mindful way.

But when you add more drugs..

.

 

What I put inside me: 3 rice balls, BLT miso soup, glass noodle salad side and cinnamon spice tea at Nanamizuki, beauty bone broth, cacao ball at Naturapathi (something), Love Potion tonic and banana bread (I shared with S and W) from Alchemist Kitchen, spicy curry salad, sauteed seasoanl veggies, and glass noodle curry something at Himalayan Cafe, my apple cider vinegar and sparkling water at D’s studio, 2 lines of coke, makarita cocktail and mushroom glass noodle at Monomono, chamomile tea at the Bowery restaurant

Glass Noodles (at Nanamizuki, Himalayan cafe and monomono)

 

 

Back to my previous week