Sunday, Feb 24, 2018

Santa Monica, WeHo

 

I wasn’t hungry but I accompanied P to Farmshop.

And then ate all of my giant salad and the rest of P’s food.

.

We looked at Bali resorts together.

.

What’s the name of the designer of the crazy wacky hotel we stayed at in Vietnam, P asks.

Bill Bensley, I recalled.

He’s designed a few luxury resorts in Bali..hmm..

.

P naps. His sinus starts acting up form all the vaping he did yesterday.

.

At the Upright Citizen’s Brigrade, M (P’s ex who’s known him since 2005), me (I’ve known him since 2010, and C (his mistress whom he’s known since 2015) were all in the audience watching him do his improv at the class’ performance.

Three Asian girls from different eras of P’s life all sitting side by side in the front row cheering P on..

.

We had late lunch with C at Sqrl.

If you remember, she’s the one he went to Cabo with in November. This was my first time meeting her.

I was present and asked a lot of questions, she was happy to answer..

Meanwhile P’s nose is running and he couldn’t stop sneezing..

.

I drove us home while P laid horizontal in the passenger seat.

.

P said he was so proud of me when C asked me what I’ve been up to and I told her about Pervette and the workshop I’m leading at Breakup Bootcamp..

I made a hair appointment with a new stylist whose Instagram I stumbled upon, she’s based in Echo Park.

She calls herself the L.A. shag queen.

I’ve always been obsessed with the shag look (way before it was big again).

There’s something about the use of the razor to cut hair and create texture and dimensionality. It can completely change your look form normal to cool. It’s the knowing of how to work with nagative space.

This stylist, H, seems to understand it at this intuitive level. I’m obsessed with her before and afters. It’s transformational.

All her cuts involves bangs.

Am I ready for bangs??

 

.

 

What I put inside me: acv, poached chicken salad, P’s strip of bacon, and scrap poached eggs and mint tea at FarmShop, a giant pomelo from mom’s garden, the rest of the ashapops, this crazy spicy turmeric cayenne drink and Art of Tea Happy tea, bag of Inka plantain chips ( I shared with C, M, and P) from the Inner sanctum cafe at the Upright Citizen’s Brigrade; baker’s latte, almond cake ( I shared with P and C), and the Olive Garden salad at Sqrl; a piece of lavendar rose Honey Mama’s, jackfruit tikka masala, kale salad, broccoli stem salad, some mighty green soup and spirit tonic from Erewhon food and tonic bar, a nibble of the Rawmantic dark chocolate bar (Big eating day)

What I spent money on: $221.22 at Erewhon..Uh.. I can explain..

 

Monday, Feb 25, 2019 8:26am

Berkeley, Moon Room

 

Dear U,

I’m home. I just got back an hour ago.

I’m trying to warm my house as well as my hands with my cup of dandelion tea

.

It was so sunny in LA today.

.

I can’t tell what it was

I’m pretty certain it was

Me and P2 staring into the eyes of Cutie for a good 20 minutes

As words flowed from our mouths on the magic that she’s working through us.

A whole book of philosophy can be written about her.

We’re convinced that we’re the mediums for her message.

P2 thinks she’s willing him to find the poetry for her blog.

.

On the ride back from Oakland JetSuiteX, I told P2 that I felt into it more. And her bday feels more like 6.28.89.

On the ride to JetsuiteX 2 days ago, I felt it was 6.28.88 but the more I think about it, I’m pretty sure I won her the summer before I started 2nd grade, which would make me 7, and I was 7 in 1989.

P2 said that one of the passwords for his ___ account is actually cutiebellesweetiepie89, he’s not sure why he went with 89.

Unless it was Cutie trying to tell him something..

.

P2 asks me questions that he has from reading my journal, he’s curious about P’s improve, how it went and wht it was like to meet C, P’s mistress. And by mistress, was she his side girlfriend or Domme?

I realize I’m leaving all the juicy stuff out.

.

His improv show was a snotfest.

C was initially his domme, and now more his lover/friend

C seem a little nervous meeting me.

I mean how is one supposed to feel when they meet the partner of someone they’ve been fucking on and off?

How did I feel?

I felt very aware that what I felt could be sensed.

So I remained open, curious and as non judgmental as possible.

.

She was cute

And she felt like a little sister to me.

She’s Vietnamese too.

We have the same uncommon last name,

That’s not really Vietnamesey but Chinesey.

.

She’s 11 years younger than me.

 

.

I’m overwhelmed by how much I have to share with you.

There’s the events that happened.

There’s the dialogue that I find amusing.

And there’s the thoughts and feeling attached to them

That I think is the most interesting.

Because I see patterns in everything.

Espescially the circular patterns.

I can spend all day telling you how every event has a mirror event to it.

And how that palindrome effect is actually trying to tell me something.

.

I feel like I’m constantly making meaning out of everything.

Because everything is connected and trying to tell me something.

And if I just have enough time to contemplate it and share it with you

Every moment is a potential a-ha

Waiting for me to slow down so that I can see it.

.

But at the same time I need to speed up and write this all down when I’m in the mood.

How do I make myself be in the mood to contemplate and write for hours on end?

Stare at Cutie?

I swear to Goddess she’s doing something to me.

.

How do I have all this energy right now.

.

If I can just quickly upload (and edit out all self and other identifiable elements from) my sonic diary onto pervette..

.

I need to learn how to quickly crop objects out of photos in photoshop..

.

I feel like I need to spend more time pervetting.

Creating Pervette is this strange process of knowing myself through sharing myself..

.

I need to sing, or take singing lessons, it’s a biological imperative at this point. I can feel it in my throat and breath..

Impromptu chanting has been feeling so amazing..

.

Create Advice to Self page..

.

My god my pervette writing on how I was born is so bad right now, I need to go back and re-write it. I love how my published shit writing is part of the process..

 

 

 

Tuesday, Feb 26, 2019 11:24am

Dear U,

I thought I was going to pervette this morning. But as I was writing out my morning pages, I felt something energetically. There’s a lot of people I need to get back to. A lot was time sensitive.

B, the potential cute sub, can’t make it the weekend of the domme retreat. I’m feeling into it. I want to push it back. It’s been non stop since my birthday and all I want to do is pervette.

If I do the retreat in 3 weeks, it’s going to be prep mode between now and then..

.

I talked to P, he helped me feel into it even more. I need to tell A2 we should pusj it back to after Bali.

.

I think today is get time sensitive shit done and get back to people day. I almost can’t work on pervette with the pull I feel energetically form everyone around me.

.

I also have a pap smear at 3. Maybe it’s reply to people until 2, pap smear, grocery shop, and then wind down to Pervette..

.

P is coming in tomorrow evening instead of Thursday morning..

.

It’s crazy how I woke up after 11 hours of sleep moving slow, then got sped up as I journaled.

.

I’m grateful that in a span of a week I got to experience the snow in NY, sun in LA, and rain in Berkeley.

.

I’m grateful that I have these open days to do what I need to do. Basically I’m grateful that I don’t have a “real job.”

.

I’m grateful that my body tells me everything I need to do from moment to moment..

My intuition is getting stronger.

.

What would make today great?

If I can get back to people and make time tonight to read/pervette.

.

Self Affirmation:

I’m on top of it.

.

Random note: Posture is so important. It literally shapes the way you feel.

1:27pm

I texted A2 to let her know B can’t make it the weekend of our retreat.

She replied saying that our NLP woman can’t make it either.

I said, I wonder if this is a sign to push it back.

She had just landed in Tulum, she said she’ll feel into it.

.

Hour later, she said while in customs, she thought about it, let’s postpone it!

I told her that sounds good. It’ll give us more time to promote and fill in the spots and coordinate and confirm with all the facilitators. And at least the March date help push get all the parts in order, now it’s just a matter of lining it up in good time.

Ya Ahh! She says.

.

Phew!

.

I love how I didn’t even had to have the hard talk. Everything just flowed and A2 felt like she was the one who decided on postponing it.

.

This seems to happen often. I get the gut feeling that something is off, I work it through in my mind, and just as I’m ready to have that talk, the other sees my side. It’s almost like I had that talk energetically before I need to put in in words.

.

I replied to 28 peeps via text in the past 2 hours. Not bad.

.

I just spent $20 on 4 tokens, to buy Rob Brezhny’s Free Will Astrology expanded horoscope for 2019.

Since last night, I’ve been desiring some signs..

It’s my first time doing this, registering and purchasing tokens. His token format to listen to him talk about my upcoming year.

This is actually good inspo for Pervette..

 

.

According to Rob,

I definitely gained more power in 2018.

I’m making decisions based on what’s good for me rather than giving into my subconscious compulsive desires.

I became the change that I wanted to see in the world.

I recreated my psychic landscape that has made me more trustworthy as a creator of my outer environment

I have come a long way towards dismantling my tendencies of of self sabotage.

.

In 2019 reshape my environments to bring out the best in me.

Like redecorate my home and work..

Clear out clutter, adding more plants, statues of deity

I will have more control over my environments if I tactfully communicate my desires.

I will work hard to create the best possible configurations of human energy around me.

 

I will work on my relationships with the groups I’m a part of.

I will have more power than I have to affect the groups and institutions I’m a part of. It’s my task to help these groups function at the highest level.

I could be a leader in 2019.

Reach out and make allies whose work/vision parallels mine.

Court more like minded allies.

.

Take on more responsibility as I expand my influence.

Simultaneously work on the good of the group as I work for the good of myself.

Thse two aims will have remarkable synergy in 2019

End of Part 1 forecast.

.

Part 2 Forecast:

Hold myself to high standards, ask for the best and brightest and to be my best and brightest

This will come to me naturally.

Seeking the B&B will be the only feasible way to proceed.

To be consistently excellent, relax and be myself in a bigger way

with more vigor and vividness

These are what the cosmic forces are setting me up to do.

.

If I find myself fretful, it might mean I’m at the wrong place at the wrong time accomplishing something that’s not right for me to accomplish.

.

If I’m feeling interested and intrigued, relaxed and enthusiastic about the tasks are before you I’ll be in the right place and right time

.

2019: A rigor grace period for me.

 

It’ll be a time to enjoy life more than usual. My main motivator will be to feel at home in the world.

.

High standards, achieve personal best in several categories..

I will rise to new levels of ripeness I’ve been working towards these past few years. Goals will be fulfilled. Seemingly impossible dreams will become dramatically more possible.

2019 will be my year of harvest. Seeds planted years ago will come into fruition. Long term trends will reach a climax. Gifts I’ve been asking forever may appear and maybe come into my full possession.

The problems I have will be the most interesting problems I have in a long time, frustrations will be exceptionally valuable teaching devices.

The harvest will permanently change my life for the better.

2019 will be a time I will have a chance to be an artist in the way I live my life.

 

Working on a beautiful masterpiece crafting my life to be

Graceful, interesting, strong.

 

6th sense of when to speak up, shut up, when to pull back, push on when to recharge and when to ripen.

When my harvest is ready when to reach a climax, it will

.

My battlecry for 2019:

I want what’s beautiful, useful and amusing..

(Say that over a few times.. and keep it close and don’t be shy about unleashing it)

THAT’S PERVETTE.

.

End of Part 2.

.

Walking in the rain to find building 3779, then the Fabiola building.

The man with the green umbrella to the rescue.

.

What I put inside me: acv+sparkling mineral water (my new fave), macadamia nuts, Urban Remedy Cacao Chip bar, 3 bowls of veggie soup I made (kinda bland tbh)

 

Wednesday, Feb 27, 2019 6:59am

 

Dear U,

I can’t tell what I want this morning. I feel funny. Like I should be meditating. I feel a tinglyness on the left side of my hip.

I also want to write out my morning pages. But I decide to skip the pen and notebook and go strait to you. I’m not sure how this is going to change my flow of thoughts.

.

I guess I’m feeling antsy. It’s been weeks (since my birthday) since I’ve worked on Pervette. I can feel its stagnancy. When my days are filed with too many activities, pervette gets neglected. It’s been one trip after another: NY, LA…

I almost feel upset with myself, or the circumstances, or people who want my time. I know it’s all on me.

But even on days when I think I’m going to pervette, things come up. My mood, my body tells me to do something else.

It’s like I need to be in a certain headspace to pervette. I have to be fully present. Not thinking about about what I need to journal, not thinking about who I need to get back to.

.

I’m going to guard my time next week, after P leaves on Saturday. I want all of Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday all to myself. I need days and days, to slow down.

.

Maybe there’s some kind of lesson or creative challenge here for me, learning how to pervette in the midst of busy days. Learning how to carve quiet time in the chaos. But I don’t know, I think it’s really giving myself space. I need to say no (even) more.

.

It’s strange, how yesterday or many days, I think I’m going to sit down and pervette, but then my body tells me otherwise. It tells me to go outside.

Maybe I need to meditate more. My practice has been slipping away.

.

I can feel it now. The need to meditate. I can feel it in my breath. I can feel it in my body. Maybe meditating should be the priority so that it can slow me down (in the midst of busyness) and help me pervette on any day. Maybe I can go go go, and then mediate, then pervette.

Oh..

.

Okay, I’m going to meditate now.

.

This was really helpful writing out my thoughts to you. I think I know what I need to do..

 

8:04am

 

I meditated. Thoughts about he decriminalizing sexwork gathering came to mind. Z’s ask feels like it’s all on me. I’m going to ask her if she can take care of the food.

.

I need to reinforce the veils and have them ready for the gathering. I feel strongly that it needs to be documented.

.

I fell asleep around 8 last night. All the energy was sucked out of me and all I can do was lay there, on the biomat. It was strange.

Maybe it’s my body telling me to go to bed early so I can rise early and pervette..

.

I just took a nibble of the mushroom chocolate (it’s been 5 days off)

.

I’m tempted to sign up for Roger Housden’s course, Living and Writing Wild

You Will Learn to:

  • Hold more lightly the stories you tell yourself.
  • See delusions and beliefs more clearly and with kindness.
  • Sense the silence that pervades everything.

.

It’s $375. It goes from March 8 to April 19

I mean I can easily spend $221 at Erewhon.

This would at least help push me to write every week, esp when I’m traveling in Bali.

I’m very tempted.

.

9:03am

I just changed the beginning, of when you were born

It’s starting to feel better.

I changed it up last week when I was in NY, it was a rushjob, I left it in a state I was very dissatisfied with..

Which got me thinking (in my head for a week) how I wanted to do it right. I wanted to set the setting..

.

Right before I got to writing, I checked on the stautus of my rattle delivery. It’s been a while. It was shipped (from Denmark) on Feb 11.

From what I can see on NordPost tracking, it has arrived at the country of destination on the 20. Hmm..

.

I can feel the shrooms.. maybe I did too much.

.

11:17am

It feels good to get some writing done.

.

I’m getting emails, I have a message in my Kaiser Permanente inbox.

.

Good news is the subject.

Phew.

My biopsies are normal.

.

Hour later.

Another message.

STD results.

The chlamydia test was positive.

WHAT??

.

I’ve never had chlamydia before.

My first thought is that I got it from P and his fucking around.

.

L, the nurse at Kaiser calls, as I’m reading the message.

.

Basically I need to take 4 pills all at once to clear it up.

And so does P.

And then it’ll be gone.

Come back in a month for a retest to make sure it’s gone.

No biggie really.

.

Then on the phone with L, the Kaiser nurse

I realized

Holy fuck

We’re going to have a conversation about our unprotected sex..

I had unprotected sex.

.

I will have to tell P that I had unprotected sex with A when we were in Tahoe.

Jesus Christ.

.

I can explain..

It last year when I asked P if he would be okay with me having unprotected sex with A and he said yes and so I took that as a definitive yes from there on out..

Even though I knew that I probably should’ve told P that I had unprotected sex with A soon after the Tahoe trip..

.

Motherfucker.

The truth.

It always has a way of coming out.

.

Maybe that’s why STD’s exist, so we can’t get away with fucking and lying (by omission).

You have to communicate. Or else you let the infections do the communicating for you.

.

Omg, this chlamydia conversation..

I’m feeling slightly nervous.

How is P going to take it?

.

Should I wait until he flies in and I see him face to face?

Or should I call him now?

Fuck.

I should’ve told him sooner.

.

I hate how I violated his trust. He’s going to feel betrayed.

.

This sucks.

But I totally deserve it.

I need to own it.

.

I wish I told him sooner.

Fuck me.

Or don’t fuck me without a condom for the next week.

Jesus Christ.

.

What am I feeling?

Nervous.

But gratitude for the universe

Playing this one on me

So I can be a fully honest person

With P

It’s what I need to do.

.

I can feel it in my body. The wooziness of this conversation.

How is P going to take it?

I have no idea.

.

Fuck.

He’s been in such a lovey dovey mood, totally smitten with me.

Telling me how much he loves me.

I can already see all of that being shattered.

.

 

I’m going to pray first.

Then call him.

.

11:56am

I prayed.

Thanking Guanyin for making me a more honest person.

I thought about how much easier this conversation would’ve been if I had just told P sooner.

Before it was my bad for having unprotected sex.

Now it’s really my bad for having unprotected sex and not telling P about it right after.

Now I’m just a liar.

.

At least I’m going to tell the truth.

.

After my prayer, I called P.

It sounded like he was outside.

He was walking to Flowerchild to meet with T for lunch.

Oh fuck, I just forgot something, he said. Now he has to go back. He asks if there is anything important, can he call me back, after lunch.

I said, yeah, we can talk later..

.

The only upside to all this is..

It’s all very suspenseful and makes you want to keep on reading..

.

My body feels light, airy and woozy.

.

I should clean the house.

Not give any reason for P to be any more upset with me than he already will be.

.

Pretty much when you have to tell the truth because you have chlamydia, you just fucked yourself 17 times over. The truth sucks that much more.

.

Chlamydia is so fucking crazy.

It goes away once treated, no foreverness, like Herpes or HIV or even HPV, but the good (or shit) thing is you have to tell everybody you had sex with who you had unprotected sex with, so they can get treated..

I swear to God, chlamydia exists only for the truth to come out.

.

Funny how an OCD hypochondriac is not even concerned that I have chlamydia, one of the most ugly sounding STD’s, I’m just concerned with the fact that I’ve lied (by omission) and that I might have slightly fucked my relationship over.

.

Here I am toting about honesty being the most important thing in relationship at the Breakup Bootcamp, and then I forget that I too have pretty recently omitted the truth..

.

I can feel something in my exhale.

I can feel the damage of lying. I can feel how it’s so easy to lie. I can feel why we do it. To run away from the truth that’s uncomfortable to speak. I can feel myself being less than who I want to be.

1:44pm

 

I masturbated with Cutie on my heart. Her light weight on me feels so comforting.

I stared into her eyes, she tells me this is good. It’s all a part of the process of becoming who I want to be.

.

I text, S (my best friend from 3rd grade) Happy Birthday!

I should’ve replied sooner to her last text to me:

 

Oh __ I felt so much more confidant after you said it was ok to say that it wasn’t funny abut the whole they’re taking U (her baby) away fro the wknd ! I WAS having panic attacks and was too . afraid to admit it !

I told W that I was panicking about it which I couldn’t before you said it was ok (crying face emoji)

So now I’m breastfeeding U more instead of pumping and we’re bonding so much more now (crying face

 

.

Since our dinner at the Himala

I just made a yummy salad and ate it. It’s been a while since I made a salad, prolly because it’s been cold. The sun came out when started to eat my salad.

I tried to be present for all the flavors and ingredients in my mouth, but I was thinking about the talk.

.

Should I write it out?

.

I just sent P an alien animoji in slutmupp’s voice.

Hello P Mupps?

When you’re free can you call me?

I have some things I have to tell you

That I’m not so proud of.

Uhh (uncomfortable mupp sound)

Yeah..

.

Jesus.

It’s so uncomfortable.

The not knowing how he’ll take it.

The blow to our foundation, the one we’ve spent years working on.

.

It’s a theme.

I’ve had unprotected sex with A before.

.

Unprotected anal sex.

I told P about that.

That was 2 years ago.

P said he was bummed but okay with it.

But the months after were one of the most difficult months of our relationship.

It was not about the unprotected anal sex, P says.

But I felt that it was.

.

I don’t know why I didn’t just tell P about the unprotected sex when it happened in Tahoe.

Maybe I secretly wanted to continue having unprotected sex with A.

And if I had told P, that would definitely put the kibosh on it.

But the last time I saw A, we had protected sex.

Thank god.

.

I’m aware that I’m telling you a lot.

But somehow it just feels right.

To let it out.

 

2:40pm

I just got off Facetime with P.

What’s this you wanna tell me? P asks. You sound so sheepish and cute in your animoji.

Yeah. I got my results back and I have chlamydia..

P was chewing on something, he slows down his chewing and gives me a funny mupp look.

Oh.. I guess I gotta tell L you’re not part of clean pussy club anymore

(it’s an inside joke between me and L and P too I guess)

Hey!

.

Where do you think you got it from?
.

Then I told him the truth..

.

And what the next steps were.

4 pills, no sex for a week, and it should be gone. And then a retest in a month.

.

Yeah. Thanks for telling me, he said.

I told him I’m a little blown away by how calm and collected he is.

He says it’s funny how things hit you.

This doesn’t bother him as much as my clutter

.

Note to self: Clean house before P comes home.

.

He said it would’ve been nice if I told him sooner. I told him how I rationalized it in my head. How he said it was cool a year and a half ago if I had unprotected sex with A. But I also knew that I should’ve told him sooner but I didn’t.

He was glad that I owned it.

.

I’m a little (or a lot) blown away by how cool he’s taking it.

.

He says he’s been thinking about his/our sex drives recently.

How we both don’t have the desire to have sex that much.

He likes the idea of bringing the outside sex we have with others inward.

So maybe we can jazz it up by spitroasting girls.

I said that’s a great idea.

It’s kinda how we first started out in our relationship.

.

He also had this crazy idea this morning to drive up.

Even though he already has a jetsuite flight booked for tonight and is landing at 9:15.

.

I check google maps. It would take 6 hours and 16 min to get from there to here. He would get here about the same time if he were to just hang back and catch his flight.

.

The subject changed so quickly, it’s almost like it was trivial.

.

I mentioned again how blown away I am by his reaction.

P says it doesn’t really anything. He loves me still and of course he wishes I can be forthcoming about the truth. Like this and my credit card debt. But these things happen.

.

Our line got cut off, I call him back, we decide on no driving, he’ll fly tonight, as originally planned.

.

We hang up.

I text A:

Hey! I got tested yesterday. The results came in, nothing too serious, but we should talk. When you have a free moment, can you call me?

.

He replies that I didn’t catch it till 8 minutes later:

Yeah, about to take off on a flight

What did you find?

I can call you when I la d

*land

.

I reply:

Positive for chlamydia, it requires antibiotics and it should be gone in a week..

I just told P about it and the unprotected sex we had in Tahoe..

Yeah text/call me when you land

.

It will also probably require of him to tell his girlfriend in Peru that he had unprotected sex with me in December.

.

I think it’s kinda interesting how this is all unfolding..

.

I should pick up the antibiotics from Kaiser

And clean up this house..

10:56pm

 

I thought about going to Kaiser tomorrow to pick up the antibiotics on my way to Farley’s where I’ll be meeting S and A. It’ll be more time efficient. But then I thought I should just go and get it done as soon as possible, it feels right.

So I left the house at 4.

.

It was drizzling. Like yesterday.

.

Yesterday on my way home from Kaiser, I drove most of the way in silence then when I turned on the radio, Bryan Adam’s Everything I Do, I Do it For You was on

Today, on my way to Kaiser, I was also driving in silence then when I turned on the radio, Bryan Adam’s Everything I Do was on the radio.

.

I parked in the garage at Level 3, just like yesterday. The wait at the pharmacy was super short. The pharmacist most likely knows what’s up as he reads the label of my meds to me, that these tablets for both for me and my partner.

.

When I came home, I made another salad and ate it. P lands at 9:15. I’m picking him up. It’s 6:40. I basically have 2 hours to put the house together. It looks like a muppet mess.

.

Funny how I haven’t had the energy to put the house together since the party. Tonight is the first time I feel motivated and energized to.

In lightning speed, I tidied up the orgy room, library, dining room, kitchen, mirror room, breakfast nook (in that order)

.

I still had the moon room, master bedroom, and master bath to go

.

A called at 8:07pm. He just got back from Austin.

Is this called the clap, he asks.

I think so.

So you think you got this from me?

Yeah, I think so.

.

He says that might be the case, but he’s not certain that it is form him.

He’s not trying to shirk responsibility he says, he’s just not sure.

He says he can get tested tomorrow to make sure.

He asks if P is going to get tested.

I said P’s just going to take the antibiotics since the pharmacist gave me 8 tablets, 4  for me and 4 for my partner.

Oh so P gets the antibiotics and not me? A asks, in a slightly is sorta mostly joking.

I’m sorry! I didn’t feel like explaining to the pharmacist that I might need 12 instead of 8.

.

A asks how do you get chlamydia, I said it’s from unprotected sex, I imagine it’s intercourse, he said he’ll look into chlamydia to see how it gets transferred just so he knows. Because he feels like it’s not from him.

He feels like maybe it’s from P fucking around or maybe from having

Maybe..

It all got me thinking..

The last time P and I had sex was the morning of my birthday party.

I did have my friend D fuck me with both the Share (feeldoe like dildo) and a strap-on. She did fist a girl right before me (When I was running around looking for my Share, I did ask C to tell D to wash her hands, but did C tell her?). I wonder if I got it from D through the Share?

If I did, that would mean P and A wouldn’t have it.

.

Or was it from the Houston gangbang? I fucked 2 girls with the Share.

So maybe P should get tested too.

.

A and I both got tested around the same time, a year and a half ago.

.

So I guess this means we should probably not have unprotected sex anymore, A says.

Yes, we probably shouldn’t.

.

(As I’m writing this, I just googled chlamydia, apparently you can get it though oral sex, if that’s the case, then maybe it is from P and all the girls going down on him?)

.

I did have Z go down on me last last November.. hmm..

.

Nothing like STD’s to make you think about the daisy chain of fucking and play detective..

.

After we hung up, I tidied up the moon room, master bedroom and bath in ultra lightning speed, by shoving all the mupp clutter behind the cabinets.

When the house looked fully put together, I check the clock. 8:51. Definitely no time to shower or even change. I threw on a hoodie and motored to JetstuiteX.

.

I arrived at 8:20, just as P was coming out. It was so perfectly timed it’s crazy.

This happens almost all the time.

Sometimes my whole business of rushing to the airport feels like a test of how fast I can move and how close to the edge of being right on time at the very last minute I can be.

.

J, C’s wife, texts me. (Her and P got to connect over the phone today as he fielded some vape questions her friends had) She said P is a great person. We should do a double date.

You should marry him and have a family, she texts.

.

P was happy to see me. He was still in a lovey dovey mood. He makes fun of me and my greasy hair and how I haven’t showered.

.

I offer him some of my water as he drives.

Uhh is it safe? I mean I don’t want to get the clap, he says.

C’mon! You can’t get it from sharing water, I said

Uh, I dunno.

.

He takes the water and mocks pretend to drink it.

Gulp gulp gulp! he says, Ahh so watery!

.

I tell him how A is going to get tested tomorrow, and how there’s a possibility that I got the clap from D at the party and if that’s the case, then P is in the clear since we haven’t had sex since right before the party.

.

P thinks he should get tested too, that can save him from taking antibiotics.

.

When we got home, P checks out the house, and he likes what he sees, from the mirror room to the orgy room to the library.. the rooms that we redecorated for the party.

I’m so glad I did a thorough job of tidying up the pillows, cushions, whips, toys, lights, etc.

If he only knew what a mupp mess it was 2 hours ago.

.

I heated us some veggie soup, P says he might just go to sleep, but then he decides to have some soup from the same bowl as me. I blow on each spoonful and feed it to him.

.

P checks out the fridge (s0 glad i organized it too) he likes how I made him some iced tea (I did that right before heading to the airport) and pours himself a glass.

.

He says he loves how I made the home all nice and warm for him.

.

Then he goes to bed. I finish the veggie soup and take my antibiotics..

And here I am giving you the full update.

.

I love how the mystery continues..

And that P and I are still as solid as ever, in spite of the clap..

.

I’m actually so grateful for the clap, making the truth come out.

Making me more honest.

I get to be a person of integrity with nothing to hide.

.

I’m so grateful for P’s maturity and deep love for me.

.

 

What I put inside me: acv+sparkling mineral water, lemon water, nibble of chocolate mushroom, pine pollen and honey, Belcampo chicken bone broth, macadamia nuts, a salad I made with walnuts, duck egg, avocado and blueberries, 4 frozen banana bites (that B made for my bday party, oh fuck, I can’t stop once I get started), salad #2 (I’m craving them again), a bite of cherry almond chocolate P got for me from Erewhon, a bowl of veggie soup I made yesterday which P had a few spoonfuls and I had the rest, antibiotics

What I spent money on: $8 for antibiotics

 

Thursday, Feb 28 2018 11:52am

 

Dear U,

Antibiotics are in me. Goodbye, the Clap.

.

But still the Case of the Mysterious Clap continues.

Where did it come from?

.

I read up on it last night. Apparently you can get via oral sex.

.

So this means P could’ve got it from A11 (the pro domme whom he sees and fucks) since they hooked up around Jan 14th or C (the former pro domme whom I had lunch with last Saturday) since they hooke dup in Cabo around Nov 11th.

Because I imagine he had them choke on his big cock.

.

These thoughts permeated my sleep. Because I had a dream with A11 in it.

I was at some gym with I (my close pro domme friend), she was all done up and ready for a photo shoot. I wasn’t. Her and Y (another pro domme friend) were in these super hot outfits. I asked if they can wait for me as I go back home and get my domme outfit on. They said they would but a lot of time had passed and it seem like they were already almost done with the shoot.

Then I ran into A11, this was our first time meeting. We were both in our domme outfits, connecting, it felt just slightly off, maybe I wanted to make it smooth, so I put her stocking-ed foot in my mouth.

I can’t remember the rest..

.

When P and I woke up, we started chatting in bed. I told him that I learned you can get the clap orally. So maybe he might’ve got it from A or C. He hemmed like C might’ve not gone down on him, but maybe A did.

.

He said A will be in LA right before we leave for Bali. I told him that she was in my dream. Maybe it’s a sign that I meet her.

P said he saw on her social media that she talked about pro domme training and book, he thinks she’s copying me.

I said that’s totally possible, since I’ve had my pro domme guide up on pervette for the past 9 months and she’s known among my pro domme friends to be a vicious copy catter, Gone Girl-style. It’s almost as thought she gets off on blatantly copying her peers. Her domme name was a former colleague’s name. Her shamanatrix slant was from a lunch meeting with our witchy domme friend D.

P thinks I should be careful.

As well as all my domme friends.

.

Maybe it is good to steer clear. But I’m also not too concerned.

What we create has our signature in it.

Pervette has my signature, it’s uniquely me.

It’s my story, it’s my thoughts, it’s my perception.

.

P and I walked around from room to room, surveying the changes to take place

When I get a storage unit and put all my mupp stuff away.

.

He opens a drawer in the guest bedroom, it’s filled with notebook collection. I collect notebooks from my travels (which I eventually fill in)

.

He opens a drawer in the toad room, it’s filled with my kinky sex toys (I never or barely used).

Oh hey, look at this!

 

He pulls out a leather collar he got custom made for me, with SLUT MUPP bedazzled on it with some purple jewels. It was a gag gift years ago.

I hold it up to my neck, I look like a mangy cat with it.

.

I guess I haven’t given you the backstory to “the clutter problem”

It’s been an ongoing issue for most of our relationship, esp during the cohabitation period.

.

P is a compulsive thrower-awayer of things.

I am a (recovering) hoarder.

.

But my hoarding is all behind the scenes, no one knows I’m a (slight) hoarder if they come into my home, it’s only when you open the closet and drawers, you see..oh…

I’m a very spatially efficient organizer (aka hoarder).

.

Almost 5 years together, and we’ve found a solution. I’m going to get a storage unit to house all the mupp things I’ve collected, like my cd collection, my grad school articles, some arts and crafts stuff that are potential materials for my art project and much much more..

.

I feel ready to purge and declutter.

If it makes P happy and at home, that’ my biggest motivator.

And the purging will help me realize, Holy shit, I buy a lot of crap..

.

 

P says he’s trying not to trigger me as he surveys the muppeting up I’ve done in this house.

I say I see that. I’m trying to be neutral. Even when he triggers me. I’m trying to not react.

.

After P left for the city

I left D:

Hi Love! I tested positive for chlamydia, it requires antibiotics and will go away in a week (thank goodness!), I’m not sure if it’s transferrable via strap-on but I figure it’s safe to err on the side of caution. Maybe get tested soon just in case! And call me if you can, it’ll be good to chat?

(I was going for informational, positive, and doesn’t sound like I think I got it from her, but yet I do kinda want her to get tested)

.

D replies:

Ok, will do! I got tested right before your party I think, so I’ll get checked again. I would love to chat! Call . me when you’re free or I’ll call you when I am

I love you so much!!

.

She got tested before the party. She thinks?

.

I text A:

P’s gonna get tested, so is D, she did get tested right before the party. I did some research last night, apparently you can get it orally. With all of us getting tested it might help with solving the mystery

.

A replies:

And from sharing toys. We’ll get to the bottom of this! Also, silver lining: good for us to have a non permanent non life changing situation like this to remind us to be more safe in general

.

 

8:18pm

Dear U,

I’m home. I left the house around 1:37.

Had a “Priestess” meeting.

Had a session with L

Went to Target to get 24 giant clear bins.

Went to Berkeley Bowl to get ingredients for a veggie soup and salad (my current obsession), pinks tulips and gerber daisies

.

On the ride home, I started talking out loud in this new deep voice of mine.

Where did this voice come from?

She’s the educatrix. She’s also the shamanatrix.

She sounds so deep and powerful.

I see and feel her, she’s fearless and strong.

She’s the superheroine in my dreams, in the movie of my life.

She is the sage wise woman.

.

When I speak in her voice, I have a certain gaze, it’s fixed and steady, as if I’m looking beyond.

It’s strange how I’m tapping into her. She’s coming out. It’s time.

.

Everything she says has this resonance, and the tone is filled with this emotion as if it’s almost life or death.

.

Was it the Priestess meeting? Was it the session where my sub was quivering and on the verge of orgasm even before I touched him?

What is this power?

I didn’t even microdose today.

Yet I feel so high..

.

I remember more of my dream from last night. In trying to get ready for the photoshoot with I and Y, I tried to quickly put on makeup, there was something blue in my foundation, because the more foundation I put on, the more blue lines my face had. Then I gave up on trying to rush to be in the shoot.

.

Maybe it’s a sign. To not try to do what everyone else was doing..

 

 

I think the timing of the clap, P saying this doesn’t matter to him as much as my clutter, and us doing a house purge is not mere coincidence.

I think I needed the charge of feeling guilty for not telling him sooner to make things right if by him to make things right to make space in the house for him, then that’s what I’ll gladly do.

.

I didn’t get to tell you about the morning of the birthday party. How on the way to CB2 P had the idea that I just need to put all my mupp stuff in storage and he’ll be happy.

And I’m happy with that solution because I can part with my things in my own time.

I actually had thought about getting a storage unit a few months ago, but I thought P would judge me for having to get a storage unit to hold all my “crap.”

I always thought he was adamant I had to get rid of my things.

But that’s not the case, he just wants it out of the house, because he loves seeing space.

.

So we’re both excited about this declutter project.

.

After P left, I had some soup and I made a salad even though I was going to Farley’s to meet with S and A in a bit. Something told me to eat my own food.

.

Which was a good call, because when I got to Farley’s which was packed and loud, S proposed going next door to Small Wonder, where there was only 2 patrons, the food was mediocre (and I had none of) but the space was ample and quiet, and we had a bright and lovely spot by the window upstairs all to ourselves.

.

I had no idea really why S wanted me to meet with A. We had met once at a gathering S put together Landmark for Sexworkers.

 

.

I wasn’t hungry. I was feeling powerful and in tuned.

But my mind played tricks on me.

I haven’t eaten since 1:30 it said.

Maybe I need a salad.

So I made a pretty big salad and ate it at 10pm.

All of it.

It’s as though when I’m full, I lose that open channel..

.

And so much for intermittent fasting.

.

For the 3rd time I listen to Rob Breznhy’s Part 3 of my Expanded Horoscope for 2019 and take notes:

Feb 21-End of March- I will have extra mojo if I take strenuous action to shape up my money situation, to improve and upgrade the way I deal with money..

Clean up my money karma..

Apr 20-May 18: home and sense of home will undergo shifts, deal with contradictions and dissolve any delusions..

May 5-July 1st week-fertile time for my art, overflowing with ideas, willpower will be unstoppable, channeling artistry and creativity, coming up with original solutions to longstanding problems and riddles

Month of July: good time to set changes in motion re job, universe will be on my side, if I formulate a new plan, gotta do the work and will set in motion

July 23- Sep 27- great time for reconfiguring how intimacy works in my life, how to change myself to.. the . harder I work the better my partnerships will be, interesting and intense feelings flowing..I’ll be more honest with myself than I ever have before, maybe receive unexpecred inspiration and help when I make effort to heal my close relationship.

.

Horoscope for this week:

What I should work on: self discipline, organization, and perseverance and ability to concentrate

If I apply myself to above I will put myself in alignemnt with cosmic rhthms

As a result will attract unexpected grace and call upon reserves of ingenuity

Accomplish more than usual, and be awarded more than usual

Some tips I can do:

Cut out trivial distractions that interfere, notice ways I am lazy for no good reason

Summon my will power more forcefully

Experiment with:

Being a better planner

sticking to a more rigorous schedule

Live up to my highest standards

Not mean work to exhaustion, and motivate through stress

Essential aspect of self discipline is

Taking care of myself really well, getting good sleep and food I need

Be knoweledgeable about what I need to feel my best.

I may attract in/visible helpers

 

Taking steps in victory over randomness, confusion and fragmentation

Don’t get waylaid by timewasters

Commit to myself to my long term approach to doing things

Friday, Feb 28, 2019 8:52am

 

Dear U,

It’s already been an eventful morning. P and I waking up. Figuring out what to do about the gangbang..

.

Have I told you that I’m hired again to organize a gangbang next Saturday in SF?

.

P is one of the two stuntcocks..

Although he’s not particularly excited about fucking a blond tatted chick who recently had a boob job, he’s down to do it because it feels like a fun couple’s activity for us. And it reminds us of the good old days.

.

It’s complicated by the fact that he may or may not have the clap.

I told him if I were him I would get tested today, then take the antibiotics and it should be all cleared by next Saturday.

But he doesn’t want to take antibiotics if he doesn’t have to. He wants to wait for the results to know for sure that he has the clap before he takes cipro or zithro.

He says it takes years to rebuild your gut biome.

Years? I’m trying to not to sound too incredulous and make him sound like he’s exaggerating, but I feel like he is.

I told him I can look into a backup stuntcock if he’s not feeling it.

He likes that, it makes him feel less pressured.

I told him I’m cool with whatever he wants to do.

Although I am having a hard time thinking of who do I know who’s hunky and well-endowed and down for a ganbang?

.

Today’s the day we go into the city and have lunch with Y.

Should I shower?

I decide my hair looks good enough.

.

P asks if we have any more shaving cream.

Uh, I don’t so.

He starts to look under his bathroom sink.

And he finds that’s overstuffed with all the bathroom supplies like toilet paper, baby wipes,

I’m getting triggered, he says.

He starts pulling out stuff, like my 8 bottles of shampoo, some hair products, more baby wipes, he gets more and more agitated as he assesses each item.

There was a bottle of head and shoulders shampoo that was tipped over with the cap open, now there’s a crusty puddle of light blue shampoo at the bottom of the cabinet.

Oh gross!! he’s clearly reached his limit.

Oh yikes, I’m sorry, we can toss it..

This is like every drawer and cabinet in the house, there’s no space. You cram it with shit.

.

Then he goes into the middle bathroom.

I don’t think there’s any shaving cream there, I said as I follow him.

Oh fuck, I think to myself, he’s going to open every drawer.

And it’s true every drawer is filled with stuff.

.

He opens each one by one:

There’s the drawer for my contact lenses (that I actually don’t wear anymore) and eye drops

There’s the drawer for travel size kleenex and purrell bottles

There’s the drawer for feminine products.

That’ s hilarious, P says, since you don’t get your period.

(I’m on the IUD, my period is very irregular)

There’s the drawer for band-aids and creams. P picks up a cream and tries to find the exp date, When was this expired? he asks, my eyes can’t read it. (Thank god!)

There’s the drawer of extra toothbrushes for guests

There’s the drawer for hair shears and curling irons..

.

We give up.

.

We go back to the master bathroom. I start cleaning up the head and shoulders puddle as P hops in the shower.

Oh look at that, P says. He found the bottle of shaving cream on the bathtub. we went through all of that just to expose/affirm my hoarding tendencies..

I’m trying to not be reactive and trigger you, P says, but I’m probably not doing a g good job of it.

No, it’s cool, I get it, I have a problem.

I mean, look at your side of the bathroom. There’s a hundred products!

I know, I’m a hundred percent neurotic. I’m not denying it.

Why do you think you need all of this?

Because I’m the perfect prey or consumer for the skincare industry.

Do you use all of this??

Yes, I’m constantly trying new products to see what’s better or best?

And do you get rid of the old stuff?

I am, right now I’m making the switch to all natural organic products, so it’s a little crazy, cause I’m trying out what works for me.

What is all this? How can you possibly use all of this?

Well, after I wash my face, I put on my toner, then after that, I put on the aloe vera, then the moisturizer then the sun block, then there’s the eye moisturizer and eye sunblock. And that’s the daytime regimen. The nighttime regimen is completely different with its own separate eye stuff. And then there’s the hair scalp stuff like the oils and stuff because you know I had that traumatic hair fallout.. anyways, I know I know, I am crazy neurotic.

I’m saying all of this as I clean up the dry puddle of shampoo as P is showering.

.

You don’t have to clean that right now, P says.

No, I want to. It’s just good to take care of it now.

.

Even though this is definitely us at our most tense, there was a very different tone to it then before, we were approaching it in a way more considerate and empathetic way than we ever have before.

I wasn’t as defensive as I was before. I acknowledge and owned my neurosis. And P is aware that his reactiveness isn’t helping.

I get why P is frustrated with me.

And he can sense that I feel him.

 

By the end of P’s shower, the dry shampoo puddle was gone, he had space back under his sink.

The tension was gone.

.

Gas, Kaady Car wash, MOMA book store

.

P seems to have developed a deep appreciation for well curated bookstores..

It makes going to bookstores with him really fun

And he seems to mind (a little) less that the house is filled tons of books.

.

Lunch with Y

.

One ticket to Moma

.

I want to make art.

.

I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t help myself.

It was a nice almost hidden cafe on the 5th floor. Craftsman and Wolves.

The butter croissant, I just want to dip it in a latte. And nom nom nom.

So I did.

.

What do you mean you can’t have my email you my doctor’s requisition? P shows the black Quest Diagnostics lady who’s not going to take his attitude his phone screen that has the requisition form on it.

I don’t have a scanner here, you have to get it printed out.

Can I use your restroom to go pee? he asks

Our restrooms are for patients only.

Well, I am trying to be your patient, P says.

She points to the bathroom and give him the go ahead look.

He sorta won her over.

.

I find us a nearby fedex. P needs more water to drink for his urine sample.

How about this ice cream store next door? I suggest as I poke my head inside

They don’t sell water, P says it like he knows that with 100% certainty that they don’t.

Yeah, they do, it’s on their menu.

Oh..

So we get water and ice cream..

.

 

P and I like how our 5 year anniversary trip to Bali this March has ballooned to a widening circle of our friends in Bali. It was first just us, then A2, N&K started planning it together. then J&M, L&S, J, Y, and potentially 11 more peeps? Knowing N, he’s going to turn his villa into a pop-up ashram again.

P and I are looking forward to making our villa the chill hangout space like we did for Burning Man.

 

 

What I put inside me: acv, 6 dragon herbs teas that I blended with maca , mucuna pruriens, mct oil and pine pollen honey, macadamia nuts that I snacked on on the car ride to the city, apple infusion tea, caramelized carrot soup, dadinos de tapioca (tapioca and cheese cube-shaped fritters), slow cooked farm egg, cuttlefish cappucino at In Situ at SFMOMA with P and Y), latte and Craftsman and Wolves butter croissant and banana bread (which I shared with P) at Cafe 5 at MOMA, a few licks of the chocolate and mint chip icea cream P and I got at Tara’s Organic ice cream on College Ave, my veggie soup and spinach salad I made for dinner for P and I (which P really liked) [I slightly wish I didn’t have the latte (dairy) and croissant (gluten)

 

What I spent money on: $134 on lunch at In Situ, $25 on a ticket to Moma $17 croissant, banana bread and latte at Cafe 5

Saturday, March 2 2019 12:46pm

 

Dear U,

I had a very vivid and telling dream about starring in a B-rated (vampire?) movie

.

Quiet morning on the biomat with my project planner and colored pencils filling in what happened on what day in February

.

Should I write it out? Or draw it out?

.

I Amazon some digestive enzymes and 4 books:

Design is Storytelling

Long Story Short

Play

You Will Be Able to Draw by the End of this Book

.

P comes home from having breakfast with his bro.

Wow. You haven’t moved from when I last saw you.

.

He tells me that J texted him.

J the girl from his improv class who came over with 2 other classmates this past Monday (after I left) and she mentioned doing coke off a guy’s dick, which got P excited about the possibility of her doing coke off his dick.

.

She sent him a picture of the book she just got, Facing Love Addiction, because she was inspired by his copy and talk about love addiction when she was at his place.

His mind is spinning from female attention.

A girl is reaching out to him and he’s not even paying for it.

Should I send her a picture of some of this coke and winky face, he asks.

I think you should send her a picture of the coke plus sign and a picture of your cock, I suggested.

.

Which one is J? I ask. Oh wait, you can point her out. I pull up the video from last Sunday when P did his set. She was the cute latina one. We watch the video of P calling his classmate Poopy Guy. And his classmates in the background looking on smiling not sure what he’s going to say next.

I can’t watch this, it’s too embarrassing! P curls up on the side of the sofa, I get excited.

Oh c’mon! You were great P mupps! I said in a mock motherly tone.

To be honest, his performance wasn’t really that funny and not very performative, he was just him being him. But I had to hand it to him for even trying.

.

P goes to the PA system in the orgy room and starts screaming

Pretending he was me giving my bday speech.

Oh I see, now he’s trying to make me feel embarrassed about my moment on stage.

I run into the orgy room

We play on the silk.

Then I remember something I wanted to do

I grab my laptop and the microphone

I tell P that I want to read to him the part of my speech that’s a thank you to him, which I forgot to say that night (because I was on MDMA)

He films me

I clear my throat like a mupp. I’m that awkward 4th grader in her tank top and underwear about to give her speech:

And I really just want to give a declaration of love and thank you to you P, thank you for all of this. Because without you, none of this would be possible. And thank you so much for being a huge part of my life, for being my biggest push in helping me grow. I’ve never met someone so brilliant and so brutally honest as you. Thank you for helping me be a more honest person and helping me find my truth. It’s been an incredible ride together these past 5 years. I never knew how powerful and amazing. love can be until I experienced us as a team. Our love makes me think anything is possible .  And I want to thank you for having the idea and gusto to help me redecorate this house in less than a week, so that it can hold all of our friends tonight.

.

I started getting emotional, tears came and flowed, P was also moved. He looked like a proud dad, he came up to hug and thank me.

.

P threw around the football, left a mark on the wall, we swung around on the silk, then I suggested we do DMT before we tackle the rest of the mirror room closet..

P thought that was a great idea.

.

We did DMT, side by side, on the cushions, in the orgy room, facing the glass side of the room.

I stare at the trees. And M’s mandala that she made for me. It’s so pretty.

I think about making art

From all the things I collected.

.

What I collect is what I make

I collect books, notebooks, lip balm, tinctures..

These are all things I will make..

.

I need clear mylar, the kind they use to cover hardcover books in libraries..

.

Doing DMT was exactly what I needed, P said, I’m so glad you suggested it.

He saw how his mind was spinning form J’s text. How we went into horny fantasy mode. And what he really needed to do was see it as a budding friendship. And how that approach would actually make him more irresistible.

You’ve always said that, and I know it, but sometimes I forget.

There are two selves, I said, the primal one who acts on impulse, and the more aware one.

.

P crafts a paragraph long reply to J…

You got the book!…..Despite us only knowing each other so short, I just know that you’re going to something shine.. and be brilliant.. as you grown and expand.. and something something..

I tell him it’s a really sweet message. But it doesn’t mirror what she sent him, which was a pic of a book.

You want her to leave her wondering if you’re actually interested in her or just being nice. This message clearly shows you’re interested.

I suggest he cut it to:

You got the book! I’m so excited for your next chapter (book and sparkles emoji)

You’re right, he says, mine was too much and doesn’t leave her guessing.

Exactly.

And here if she replies to this message that doesn’t require a reply, you’ll know if she’s interested in you.

You’re right. It’s an IoI, indicator of interest, P says.

Him and his pickup lingo.

.

P says this reminds him of our early days when I used to help him craft messages to girls.

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We work backwards when we have to leave the house to give us time to have lunch at Belcampo and take him to JetSuiteX for fis 4:45 flight.

2:30. It’s 1:09 now.

That doesn’t leave us much time to tackle the rest of the mirror room closet.

How do you want to spend the next 30 min, P asks, do you want me to help you put the pillow cushions in the drycleaned covers or like at pinterest for entertainment centers for the library?

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I thought of California Closets, how my mom’s custom made shelf looked pretty nice, maybe we can go that route..

We check out their website..

Then I suggest the ladder shelves at Design within reach for the moon room wall..

P likes that idea and gets out the tape measure..

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P packs some of the coke from the coffee grinder (that’s now our designated coke grinder) into a Level box. I hand him a tiny wooden spoon to scoop.

This is perfect, he says.

He’s really fixated on having J do coke off his dick.

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Lunch at Belcampo was yummy.

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P2 gets in the car, I hand him Cutie, he holds her gingerly.

I’ve been reading your journal. Can I just give you my 2 cents? he asks.

Sure.

I don’t think you have a hoarding problem. If there’s anyone who’s neurotic, it’s P. He’s an extreme case of someone who throws away everything. So don’t let him make you feel guilty or like you need to get rid of your stuff.

Aww thanks, I tell him.

I mean your place is immaculate and spotless, it has stuff in drawers and closets like normal people do.

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It was nice to hear P2 say that. It’s true. P is sorta American Psycho creepy with his spareness and vehement non attachment to everything, or maybe even allergic to attachment.

He has this tendency to buy, throw away, then buy again. He doesn’t believe in recycling. And at the beginning of the relationship, I remember being appalled that he couldn’t spend that extra time to give his things away to friends or Goodwill, even perfectly new appliances and fancy clothes he doesn’t wear anymore. It was a straight toss to the trash can.

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I kinda like how he’s mentioned a few times now in our redecorating the home that he kinda wished he didn’t get rid of every piece of furniture from NEMA when we moved out, because he can see now how it could’ve found its home in our house.

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I also like how lately he’s been smitten by my cuteness.

How can you be so cute and muppety? he asks as he cups my face in his hands.

Like what Cutie is to you, that’s what you are to me, he says.

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It’s true, I’ve been learning from Cutie, how to be like her.

I believe her essence holds the secret to everlasting love.

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I head over to S’s airbnb, where there are two Japanese Dommes visiting are staying and they’ve been wanting to meet me.

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Traveling to the US has been difficult for them, at customs, they ask C a ton of questions. They ask if her friend who’s picking her up is a Sugar Daddy.

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Marriott has been vigilant about reporting sexworkers, and proud of it. It’s all in th name of protecting sex trafficked victims.

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S says his car was recently vandalized. Someone spray painted RAPIST on it.

And a few months before, someone spray painted SCUM on his house.

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C and H wanted to see my dungeon. So I gave them a tour and told them they can session here if they want.

They were floored by its size and by the bondage table and throne that R, my slave made, for me.

Wow! You’re a super mistress! C says. I try to be deprecative. But I take it as a high compliment from her. S calls her the Super Domme in Japan.

I like we both have been pro dommes for 14 years and got started at the same age, 23.

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We make plans to meet in Tokyo in the first week of April, there we can do a photoshoot and I can promote them on my social media when they pass through town again.

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They were so cute in their bowing and gestures of gratitude. They seem to be blown away by my offerings. Although it didn’t seem like much.

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I guess it’s my default way of being. When I meet people I like to find ways I can help them on their journey.

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In the background with P: Puerto Rico strategy. the ballooning Bali trip

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What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, 1/2 Urban Remedy bar I shared with P, macadamia nuts, steak and eggs, brussel sprouts, pickled vegetable at Belcampo with P, Yes Cacao chcocolate with lion’s mane, turmeric and bacopa, roasted winter vegetables and sauerkraut (to build up my gut flora)

Picture above: The latte and croissant I had at Cafe 5 at the Moma, which I kinda regret because it’s dairy and gluten the day after I took my antibiotics, which is a time I should focus on rebuiding my gut flora, but at least it’s setting me up on a path of putting just the cleanest and healthiest food in my body

Back to my previous week