Monday, Feb 4, 2019 8:34am

Dear U,

It just started to rain after i said my prayer.

I feel that strange lightness again, the one that makes me think I should be meditating or writing. And so here I am. 3 more days..

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The gym is officially the pink room now. I can’t believe how quickly we’re moving. Just one week ago, all of this redecorating was just an idea, and now the house is evolving.

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I love you so much, P keeps on saying to me.

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I haven’t pervetted as much these past few days with all the redecorating.

I did get to a little bit yesterday.

I plan to this morning..

And I have all of tomorrow, Chinese New Year…

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If you don’t hear from me, I’m either pervetting or planning for her birthday party..

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It’s 8:44, time to pervette…

11:11am

 

My body, it’s the lightness of being again..

My mouth feels like it’s in ketosis

I love this strange light feeling.

Like I’m hollow

So words can come through me..

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I saw the sun, clouds, and rain all in an hour..

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All I can do is chant, and let the sounds come out…

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To stay a little bit grounded and not be so airy

I nibble on walnuts..

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Holy fuck.

I love mornings like these..

What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, microdose chocolate mushroom, walnuts, last of my veggie soup, more walnuts, macadamia nuts, gingerade kombucha, Yes Cacao tulsi, reishi, maca chocolate; pacari 85% cacao chocolate, more walnuts, a snack pack of simply mills crackers P4 gave me, S2’s pickled asparagus and belcampo beef bone broth

Tuesday, Feb 5, 2019 11:11am

 

Dear U,

 

Chuc Mung Nam Moi..

 

It’s Chinese New Year.

It’s a nippy morning. The house is moderately tidy, filled with cherry blossoms, plum blossoms, tulips, proteas, and gladioa-like flowers..

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I wished my mom, dad, and stepdad happy new year.

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Dad got his red envelope and check for $777 from me.

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I went out and got the mail. Mom had sent me 2 red envelopes, one with a check for 400 and another with 6 crispy 2-dollar bills

I just made my everything tea, and I’m ready to sit down and pervette..

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Today is my last full day to myself.

This is it..

The sun is coming out..

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Pervette…session with E at 2pm.. he gave me a book (Taeko Kono’s Toddler Hunting and Other Stories )and dvd ( Hong Sangsoo’s On the Beach . at Night Alone) for my bday…lovely ritualistic ssession..bump into P4 told her I’d love for her to play her viilin at the parrty, she says she’s down..aerial silk class at 5pm.. she taught us a technique that’s perfect for the party group photo..went to berkeley bowl…got 8 bouqeuts of flowers.. mandarins..avocadoes.. home….call with A4, she thinks hse can make the veils this thursday for the parryty…call with S, I told her my birthing ceremony idea and how I would love for her to be the MC.. she love it and thinks she can do it.. holy fuck. is my last minute idea really going to happen..? tidied up the house just in time for midnight..called to wish my mom a happy new year

1:55pm

Okay, I didn’t get to pervette yet

I had to make an Amazon shopping list for the party

It’s time sensitive. I had to do it sooner than later

Anyways..

Gonna switch gears from shopping list/planning to slowing down and cooking..

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Call with P3 at 3:30 to plan for the party..

Jesus..

7:14pm

I don’t know what’s going on.. I still have not pervetted yet..

After lunch, I had my call with P3

They and the DP were planning on shooting for 3 hours Sat night. I told them there will be a lot to capture and we should go for longer, from party prep at 6pm till 2am. They’re down.

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My mom said it’s a good idea to visit a temple today, so I left the house around 4:33 and at 4:44 I was at the Buddhist Monastary, the door was locked, I saw a faded sign that says Daily Meditations 6:15am and 5:15pm

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I drive down the street tot he Thai Temple, it didn’t look open either but the gate to the parking area was open, so I parked my car, and walked around the buildings. The front door was locked, I peered in the window, there were 4 people inside. I walked around the building to the back side, the door was unlocked I went in. There were 4 peopel standinf spaced apart tapping their bodies. Must be doing qui gong.

I went up to the Buddha and said a prayer.

The room was very dark and ornate with red carpet and curtain and gold trimming. it felt like a womb-like sanctuary

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I drove back to the Buddhist Monastary at 5:13, the door was open, I steeped in, there were 6 people meditating, and there was Guanyin (7 of her) by the entrance I prated to her, then I sat on the zafu and zabutan that was laid out (for me?) and meditated with the group for 15 min..

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A perfect way to reset..

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Came home, facetimed with P as he placed the Amazon order.

99 items.

Guess how much the order was, P said.

Umm 1777?

Nope. Higher

1893.

Nope.

2233

Nope.

He showed me the unfolded piece of paper he wrote on

2336.67

Whoa.

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I chatted with P4, she’s down to play her violin for the birthing ceremony

We talk about her problematic client..

And tribute rates..

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We should only see clients who are happy with our rates, otherwise it’s just bad vibes all around..

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Ok, I think there’s a reason why I’m still not pervetting yet…

Procrastination is a form of inspiration.

I had to take care of the business of today, get it out of the way, and now I have all of tonight…

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After I make dinner…

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I kinda wanna dance, maybe smoke some weed (I haven’t in a while)

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Oddly enough I’m not stressed about time running out..

What’s going on?

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9:00pm

 

After I last wrote to you, I smoked flower (it’s been forever, i forgot how sacred it feels to smoke flower)

And I went into the orgy room, put on . the pervette birthday party playlist and danced

Witth the lights of the party Rocker Max strobing..

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ANd then the vision of the ceremony became more vivid to me..

 

I keep on saying

all I want to do is make love

and make art

and make my life my art…

 

As I danced all sexy on the rug, i realized there’s going to be mating ritual before the birthing ceremony…

Awww.. this is how I get to make out with all my hawt lady friends in one night (like I’ve always wanted)

 

Then I . grabbed the mic..

 

and what I want to say that night started coming to me…

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Oh so this . is why I’m not pervetting. bc I am…

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What I dream, what I dance, what I do in . between sitting . here and typing is all pervetting…

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yesterday on my call with S, my web designer, I told her the deadline is soft…

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i’m sure if I give just myself 24 hours I can pull something together

That’s what I told her.

And that’s what my subconscious is telling me. I just need 24 hours to pull something together.

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I was given this night and tomorrow night (before P arrives Thurs morning) to dream up and reherase my speech and dance…

(bc I would have the time and space to do it with him here)

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so anyways…i can pull it off.

 

It’s just me announcing to the world my baby,

and it’s okay if she is still tiny and comfusing…

it’s like a time-constained art project. I’ll do what I can with the litte time i have left. It’ll be good enough for its humble beginning…

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i just Amazoned a mic stand so I can use my teo hands to articulate when I give my speech

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I had another idea for the ceremony come to me..I text W if she’s open to making an aphrodisiac ceremonial cacao elixir for the ritual, everyone will drink from the giant bowl and pass it on..She’s down!

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I tell P my ceremony idea. He laughs. He thinks it’s crazy, long, and kinda complicated. He says if there’s anyone who can pull it off, it’s you.

It does feel a little long, and kinda complicated…hmm..

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What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, chocolate mushroom microdose, walnuts, blend of 5 dragon herbs tea, walnuts, a veggie stirfry I made with the veggies I have left (trying to clearing out fridge space for the party) and egg for lunch, Yes . Cacao chocoloate with reishi, shilajit, maca; Pacari 85% cacao dark chocolate; S2’s pickled asparagus for dinner (I wasn’t hungry by evening)

Wednesday, Feb 6, 2019 9:07am

 

Dear U,

Holy fuck. It’s the last day.

I have 24 hours to pull it together and pull this off.

I also have a giant furniture delivery from CB2 in 30 min. I should probably clear out some stuff and make space for the bed frame in the main guest room and sofa in the library. But oh well. I have things to do..

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I really want to take a pair of scissors and start cutting my hair. It feels really dry and coarse on the ends..

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Okay, just gonna cut my hair, then get started..

Oh shit, is this procrastination?

11:11am

Furniture has been delivered and put together (thank goodness for white glove service) and I had to haul a ton of books to make room for the sofa, rug, and cabinet.

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I also trimmed my hair. It still feels dry. I’m questioning Nutrafol. I think it’s making my hair dry and fall out..

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Okay, should I make lunch first, then pervette?

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When am I ever gonna do this?

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I’m obsessing about my hair too much..

Thursday, Feb 7, 2019 12:01am

 

Dear U,

It’s officially my birthday.

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There’s a lot going on, and a lot to do.

I’m strangely calm.

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Half an hour ago, I was on the phone with P.

I called him right after I got off the phone with V,

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I had to break it to V that the party was over capacity and P made a request that he wanted to limit the party to friends we know.

V was silently disappointed and said he would make him available however I needed, he can come later in the night, he can help with acro shibari as an acro yoga flyer, or even . do fire acro..

It was very nice of him. I told him I’ll keep him posted if I can find a way to fit him in..

It was the way he didn’t seem understanding that made me think maybe this was the right call.

Then he said something that seem judgey,

If he was your life partner and you guys are in this committed relationship together,  he would trust you.

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P didn’t pick up when I called. But 10 min later he called back, he was already in bed and half asleep, I told him what I told V. He said he was proud of me in having a difficult conversation about boundaries.

I can tell he was slightly getting off on V getting butthurt.

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I said to P, oh it it okay if I have 3 hours tomorrow to work on Pervette?

 

He said he was going to wake up at 5:30am to catch the 7:30am flight to make it to Mupp HQ to help me set up, but now that it sounds like I want more time to to myself then he’ll just change his flight to the afternoon one and sleep in.

He got on his laptop

It was his tone, he sounded pissed and resentful.

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He said he was under the assumption that his time and effort was needed to help set up for the party and now it sounds like it’s not.

( I actually never told him that I needed him to come home early and help me, he just assumed that, but of course I didn’t say that)

I told him I just needed a few more hours on my bday to pull pervette together.

He yelled over the phone

YOU HAD 3 AND A HALF FUCKING YEARS!

Your time management is a fucking joke.

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When P gets triggered, he goes for the jugular.

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His hurtful tone stung.

But I held still.

I didn’t get (too) defensive.

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Stay curious..

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I said I didn’t take into account that in the last days leading up to the deadline that I was going to redecorate the house, which I’m happy that I did. Because I’m grateful that he wanted to put his time and resources into making this house his home and preparing it for the party. And it was a magical weekend doing it with him.

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He went off on me for a little while, 10 min or so.

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I said I can tell that he feels not appreciated for all that he’s done, and I reassured him that I appreciate everything he’s been doing, I was just making a request for a little time tomorrow.

He said my request was a statement.

He said he just rebooked his flight. DOne!

He was glib and short.

I said I can feel there’s friction and tension and it would be good to address it (I didn’t want to end the call on such a weird tone.)

He said he was tired and was already in bed.

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I let him talk. He said this V thing was a lot for him.

And he has a busy schedule and he carved out this time to help me with the party, and now at 11pm the night before he was going to wake up at 5:30am to come up . and help me, I tell him I need more time to myself.

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Then I got where he was coming from and I was able to empathize.

I totally get it Mupps, I see how you felt..

And then it all dissolved, he saw how he flew off the handle.

He said I handled all of that really well.

He started sounding muppety and sweet.

He said when he’s making fun of me about Pervette, he’s actually still supportive of me.

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He said he was happy we didn’t end this on a weird note.

Me too.

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I can’t believe the tension actually dissolved.

He was so tense and intense.

I too was a little surprised by myself. Old me would’ve been super defensive and tried to make my point heard.

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It’s my birthday, I just want a few more hours to work on pervette. I gave up 4-5 of my final days leading up to the deadline to redecorated the house (no complaints), I just need a few more hours..

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But somehow I was able to hold still and stay compassionate and curious, in spite of him throwing some low blows.

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And through that, he was able to see what was really coming up for him.

He felt heard.

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In 25 minutes, it’s going to be your birthday! P says, Happy Birthday!

Thanks Mupps! I says.

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When the mupps are talking

It means everything is good

and as it should be

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We hang up on a really good muppety note

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But jeez, my nervous system definitely got a tiny bit frazzled

Is this what happens when I ask for something I want.

My time.

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I realized I just made two guys really butthurt tonight.

That’s a lot on my empath system.

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And I still gotta work on pervette.

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I remembered that I had bought some velvet ribbon for my lace veils a few years ago, which I can give to A4 tomorrow with the lace to make the veils. where did . I put the ribbon?

I searched 4 closets. I found a lot of other things, but no ribbon.

I love looking for things and finding them.

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I had to stop the search after 25 min.

And now here I am recapping the last hour and a half to you..

 

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P’s coming in at 4pm instead of 9am.

I think what it was was that he was secretly looking forward to coming home early to help set up the house with me.

A few days ago he was planning on coming back on Wednesday, and I gently said Thursday would be better. So he got the earliest flight Thursday.

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Me asking for more time made him feel like I was pushing him away (again).

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I have a feeling that this tension and attention for my time and how I prioritize between P and Pervette  is probably going to come up again..

 

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It’s 3:01am, and I am so happy that I asked for more time to self. With P coming in at 4 instead of 9, I can stay up late (as I am right now) and keep on writing.

The DommeGuide is getting some love..

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Thursday, February 7, 2019 1:17pm

 

Dear U,

It’s my birthday!

And guess what?

I’m ready to say here it is!

 

Here’s Pervette, at her new beginning…!

Yay!

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I stayed up working on pervette. I didn’t stop until I felt like it was in a good place, which was around 4am.

I fell asleep on the biomat, woke up ay 7, and went downstairs to bed and just laid with Cutie there for an hour.

Then I got up

P sent an animoji this morning saying sorry for being so short and triggered last night and thanked me for helping him get through it. He wished me a productive morning working on pervette.

I put together the bi-rite catering order online, and then P with his credit card, placed the order.

I must’ve masturbated for 2 hours after that, while crafting my IG post.

Jesus, I’m going back on social media.

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S emails me all the mobile versions she’s been tidying up, she points out the pages that have dead ends, I go back and add a path or 2..

.

Oh my god, I feel good. I feel ready…

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Pervette is ready..

!

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I get ready, P flies into Oakland, we meet at the dungeon where I gather some toys for the toy boxes at the party tomorrow, we bump into G at the dungeon, she was just finishing her session. She’s excited for the party on Saturday..

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As we walked out to the car with our ikea bags of canes, whips, and other kinky stuff, P said, That’s a domme we created

Remember when she was just a sweet little girl and we invited her to your birthday party 2 years ago?

Oh yeah? I remembered, it’s all coming back full circle.

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We grabbed a snack at Penrose which became a meal.

Our bill was 66.64

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We cam home I showed P the new guest room, the new pink room and the new library, he like everything except for the rug in the library, it was too light..

Do you think we have time to go to HD Buttercup and pick out a different rug tomorrow? he asks

It feels like a lot.

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P was too full to do dinner at Chez Panisse at 8:15, so it was just me and D, my old boyfriend from 2006 I never broke up with.

Life hasn’t been too great for him.

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I put a ton of vitamins in my mouth and tell D that my hair has been falling out.

Maybe it’s from taking too many vitamins, he says

What?

That’s a thing, you should look it up.

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I got a note from the shaman rattle maker in Denmark, my custom made rattle is complete (on my birthday!)

It’s exactly how I envisioned my rattle to be, dark wooden handle, green blue leather hide, with a peacock feather..

She attached a picture and described its makeup:

The material used for your Rattle is A piece of very old and smooth black Oak.
The Rattle head is made of four pieces of reindeer hide, representing the four directions – and it is decorated with Peacock feathers – not only from the magnificent tail but also from the chest / throat ! – connecting to the censes of the throat chakra !
Besides I have added feathers from a black Raven – and these feathers comes from “A protecting wing”
For the filling I have chosen Amethyst, as you like – and for it´s gentleness  – blue coral that carries the healing of the ocean – Lava > the ancient tears of mother earth and Juniper berries for purification.
This is how I saw your rattle and I´m sure it will fulfill  you needs, you just have to add your intension 🙂

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What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, yucan crackers, coconut oil, and avocado, walnuts; fried brussel sprouts, chicory salad, grilled flatbread with beet, tahini, something spread at Penrose, kava gaba chocolate, citrus salad, duck confit and almond cake at Chez Panisse

 

 

Friday, Feb 8, 2019 9:47am

 

Dear U,

There’s a lot going on.

P is installing a new Ring doorbell. It’s a fancy one with a camera. Our old chiming one stopped working over a year ago.

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I helped P hold the doorbell in place as he drilled it in to the front of the house.

We’re in a very groovy muppety get shit done groove.

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When I said to P the other week it’s so cool that we’re finally making this house our home. He says yep, just in time to sell it.

He has this way of joking that’s half serious and always keeping me on my toes..

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The idea of never knowing how long our time here is makes me appreciate every moment of it

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In an hour, as me as the helper, P and I installed a doorbell, took off the double doors to our library, and replaced the outdoor lighting transformer box.

We brought sound, space and light to our home..

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Just as B came over at 11:11 to help set up the dining room for tomorrow, P takes off for the city to get an ounce of coke, a ton of Level cannabis, pick up the custom engraved pervette pax pens (his surprise idea that’s no longer a surprise), a projector, and a 8X10 black sheepskin rug from HD Buttercup

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I make some avocado toast with coconut oil and soft boiled duck eggs for B and I. We start moving the tables around to figure which for food and which for drinks.

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We’re gonna have 3 bartenders, 2 of them are dommes.

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B brings over the bacon, 144 banana bites (because I like the number 44), 37 tealight votives (because I’m 37).

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At 2:22, E, the lawyer calls me to talk about trademarking and copyrighting Pervette. He’s been trying to contact me for months about that. And he’s also been trying to reach me to find a time for me to make him cry (in my dungeon).

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He gives me the lowdown on trademarks, copyrights, etc.

Adjective Brand Noun..

Okay, I need to create an “entity” a LLC or S corp or C Corp, I guess I gotta talk to my CPA (who happens to have one testicle, anyways).

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B takes off to beat traffic as I talk to E..

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Now I’m alone. I felt a trippy strangeness from within, a cue form my body to meditate. So I did.

Maybe it’s time to work on that speech and the birthing ceremony..

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There’s A LOT to do between now and tomorrow night, but all I want to do is go slow..

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It’s raining…

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Peeps are still RSVPing and asking if they can bring a friend…

I’m feeling open…

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Oh no Q has the flu! 102 fever

I really wanted her to be a part of the magic

Even more incentive to document the night, and pervette it..

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K’s two kiddos have the flu, she’s not sure if she can make it tomorrow

(my bday party is her birthday after party tomorrow)

but she’s hopeful they’ll get better

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My friend asked if she can bring a new friend to the party, I actually know her, she makes porn and rented at my dungeon a few times to shoot some kinky porn. I said she can come if I can hire her as my photographer for the night.

Done.

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I started to rev up.

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I tried giving an improvised speech, I don’t think I really have it. P was trying to sneak in the house to hear me give it.  I stopped when I heard him come up the stairs. He thought it was the cutest thing.

 

He came home with a giant black rug and a backpack full of cash, coke and weed.

And 7 pax pens with Pervette engraved on it..

I’m touched.

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The rug he got made the library instantaneously warmer and vibier.

We put together the library together.

We’re in the best mood working together as a team, moving rugs to and fro..

 

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Our kebabery caviar order got  majorly delayed prolly because of the rain. It was fine, we were busy going through the amazon boxes that came in.

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P snaps a polaroid of me with the new polaroid camera we got. It has a red metallic frame. I snap one of him.

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Over dinner P asks what the giant egg light is for.

Oh that, I’m just gonna give birth to it tomorrow. It’s like a symbol for pervette. This glowing light that’s like my baby.

You are so weird, P says. everything you say sounds so weird.

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After dinner, we tackle the orgy room..

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P falls asleep in the orgy room with the Party Rocker Max lights on…

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I’m gonna see if I can work on my speech..

 

1:13am

 

As P sleeps I write out my speech, there’s a lot to it. I stare at my purple glowing egg in the nook. It’s sitting on top of all my stones..

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It’s 2:50am

I think I got my speech..

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Saturday, Feb 9, 2019

The Birthday Party

 

(I didn’t write at all today, I was too busy prepping for the party, and then partying pretty hard)

 

Back to my previous week

 

Sunday, Feb 11, 2018 9:08pm

 

Dear U,

Holy fuck.

I don’t even know where to begin with yesterday and last night..

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The house is officially clean.

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I think I need to rest some more..

Then I’ll tell you what happened..

.

 

 

 

Today: C the carpet cleaner arrived at 10:30 to steam clean every rug, sofa and cushion. He did the last of the coke on the mirror. P2 arrived at 10:41 to help clean up. P2 was happy to go home with a ton of leftover food, coke, booze.  Z came to retrieve her shoes, jacket and car. We gave her my birthday cake and a ton of finger sandwiches. The house cleaners arrived at 1 to do the deep cleaning and we gave them the rest the finger sandwiches. Nothing was wasted.

Dinner at Belcampo..

 

 

What I put inside me: incredible bee pollen that J and L gave to me for my birthday..

Back to my previous

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