Themes: New year, new (social) me, coming out of my monk mode cocoon, reconnecting with old friends and subs/slaves, starting up new collaborations with old friends, my Vietnamese daughters documentary, days of no appetite and 4 hours of sleep, yet tons of energy, prayers and fasting, spiritual high, packed social days, sex with A more often, my 2020 concept planner, pleasure in planning out my days, pervetting daily, being guided to places and people, following my intuition, saying yes to everyone reaching out, last minute get togethers, drawing and watercoloring, Coffee Meets Bagel dates, photoshoots with giant balloons, hitting my four pillars  of a perfect day everyday: meditating, eating well and consciously/intermittent fasting, being active/in my body, pervetting, connecting the dots of pervette, monk moding every 3rd day,

 

Wednesday, Jan  1, 2020 4:44pm

 

Dear U,

Happy New Year!

One of my goals this year is to try to write to you daily. That might mean I need to learn how to write in haikus.

10:03pm

So far it’s been a perfect day and start to the new year and decade.

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I started it with a morning walk to catch the sun, I meditated, did yoga, fully unpacked my luggage, did laundry, tidied up the whole house, caught the sunset.

S3 came over. He pan-seared the gradd-fed and fisnished new york rib eye steak I got yesterday and showed me how he makes his perfect roasted cauliflower. Trick is to heat the pan first, drench it in olive oil, give them space, and cook till it’s charred, yummm

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He told me about this new gal he met and connected with 2 days ago. It feels like a cosmic connection, their feelings are developing rapidly, he’s questioning and doubting himself and the rapid relationshipping. I gave my advice, to not worry about it too much and just have fun. She sounds cool from everything he’s saying.

He told her about me and our relationship. She seem really cool about it.

He thinks I should meet her. To see if she’s sisterwife material. I think that’s a great idea. I can disarm her if she at all feels threatened and help her see the vision.

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I  told him about my documentary idea, he loved it. I told him about my pervette plans..

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Funny how we’re both on dating apps.

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We make plans..a day of him shooting me at home, an afternoon for bday party invite photoshoot,  a day for podcasting, a day for the start of our sapiosexual porn…

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My new measureable goal is onboarding 250 members on to the 2nd level of pervette, which is the no paywall membership level.

And have 33 of those members submit their writing/story/question on pervette..

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Which means I need to truly launch pervette by next week, before I take off for LA.

All of a sudden there’s a lit to do in a  short period of time. But I think I can do it  all..

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I’ve been running on very little sleep, and waking up super alert, and I have a ton of energy.

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After our dinner, S3’s new gal came over to pick him, up, as soon as she parked and texted him, the power went out.

I invited her in the dark. Then the power came back on. As we were touring the house the power went out again. I’ve never experienced a power outage at night like this. I think it has something to do with her electromagnetic field.

Maybe it was the novelty of the situation, our brief encounter and the double power outage really got me excited. Is this our cosmic connection?

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I like her. I like how S3’s fantasies of having an open relationship and being with spiritual gals are coming true.

 

Okay, it’s 11:18pm, I need to create the Colette media page on pervette.. And then I will have accomplished my 4 pillars of a perfect day, meditating, playing (being active), eating well and consciously and pervetting..

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Today, I spontaneously IG storied the first page of my drawing journal where I listed my 2020 goals..

-Launch  Pervette

-Connect and c0-create with my hero/ines

-Make sapiosexual porn

-Organize more gatherings and sex parties..

Let’s see how I do..

2:00am

I’m up late every night now, and I wake up about the same time, 8 or 9am..

Who needs sleep when I can pervette?

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Thursday,  Jan 2, 2020 10:33am

 

Dear  U,

I went to bed at 4am and woke up at 8am. I’m not getting that much sleep, but it seems like I don’t need it. I feel so charged and energized and my mind is flowing with next steps.

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I went for a jog, meditated, received clear visions of me reaching out to my heroines and asking them to be a part of pervette.

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Questions/prompts for my podcast interviews are coming to me.

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I also see very clearly what I need to do with Pervette. I need to build a playground for everyone to play in. I’m creating a safe space for everyone to express themselves.. That is my first goal.

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Something unusual is definitely happening within me. I’m not sure how it is that I’m running on little sleep and food. I have this charge  and energy that feels unreal, and kinda messianic. This brings me back to my high school valedictorian days. But it’s way different now. Back then the way I was pushing myself felt like punishment and torture. Now this ability to go to the extreme feels fluid and easeful. I feel like I’m being guided.

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My new pink Poketo Concept Planner is also working its magic on me. The way I’m using the annually, monthly, and weekly calendar. I’m finally planning, reverse engineering, considering all the steps and things to do. It’s a little insane what I want to accomplish by my birthday.

There’s this quality that I’m engaging with my planner, using the new watercolor pencils and paintbrush. I’m drawing and coloring, this is new..

I love opening this planner, I love writing in it, planning is now a joy. I  love recording my days, ideas and moods in it, I love painting the sun or clouds in the day boxes of the monthly overview to  rack the weather. I love that I can both plan, record, and make art in it. Oh  and also I love the size, it feels like a substantial book in my hands.

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I’m so grateful that P got this for me this past Monday, the day I left LA, 2 days before the new decade.

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I’m going to treasure this concept planner. Through it, I can plan my year, and all that I want to accomplish..

 

11:44am

I’m sweating under my arms (am I in ketosis?) and checking things off my to do list rapidly.  Where  is all this energy coming from? I feel like I can take on anything and connect with everybody..

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6:49pm

Packed day. L and her new beau the aerialist came over. He’s in town from Costa Rica. We jumped on the silk, he showed me some new moves, and we did some fun tricks with me holding on to his hands and ankles as he’s hanging above.

While they were there, I had my coaching meeting with Z, we celebrated my breakthroughs, I’m social again, and invigorated by it, and I have new pervette goals..create a community…and enjoying the process.

They helped me work through my hesitation with asking for help from my colleagues in signal boosting pervette.

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L showed me how to use Instagram IGTV  and story.

As soon as they took off, I heard  a knownk on the door, I thought L had left something, It was P2 , hearrived to pick up Cutie. We had a nice little visit, talking about Gil Fronsdal, right speech, pervette contributors, Agnes Varda’s new and last film..

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Now I’m off to S3’s place to meet up with him, his new gal , and G, who is in town and I want to connect with..

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I  talked to P earlier, he’s planning on going to Aspen this Sunday through Thursday  with his new sugarbaby. I’m happy for him.

And it also makes everything easier for me in terms of meeting with all these dating app guys.  The  happier and more fulfilled he is, the more supportive he is of what I’m doing..

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S3’s gal, L and J all had the cold and were coughing it up in the house. I need to make sure I don’t get sick.. I can’t afford to.

I might need more sleep.

Okay, gotta head out..

 

Friday, Jan 3, 2020  12:28pm

 

Dear U,

I was feeling the slightest bit run down on the way to S3’s last night. I told myself  I’ll only stay till 10. So I can finally be in bed by midnight and get more than 4 hours of sleep. But I ended up staying till 2, got into bed around 4 am buzzing with energy.  I woke up at 8, but thank goodness my body allowed me to sleep in till 10.

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Something is definitely going on. I feel cosmically aligned.

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It’s crazy how  I’ve been thinking about reaching out to MP ever since the documentary idea. How would I be able to reach her? She’s huge.

Then at S3’s, I saw G, I haven’t seen her in over a year. We met in Tulum, or in a cuddle party post Tulum, really. She shadowed my session with P2.

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She  told me about her new job, helping MP build her new company.

WHAT??

I told her about my documentary idea and how I’ve been thinking about MP  ever since. She tells me to email her my pitch and she’ll pass it along to MP.

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DInner was yummy. I so connected with S3’s new gal, I tink we were soulmates finally reconnected in this lifetime. She helps businesses scale but she wants to do meaningful work. I told her I want to work with me as soon as Pervette can make money..

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It was a magical evening, S3, me, J, and G. All in the hot tub. I ask what everyone’s 2020 goals were.  G says she wants to build a tribe filled with trust and love, she confided in us that she’s still reeling from a guy whom she fell so deep for in Oct, and then he ghosted on her. As she described the situation more over the next few hours, we saw that she dating an avoidant covert narcissist who was gaslighting her. All these new concepts opened her eyes and helped her see what was really going on. And within a few hours, she was able to see that he doesn’t deserve her love and devotion..

I love solving heartache problems.

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2020 has been amazing so far. I’m engaging with the world in a w ay that is surprisingly revitalizing. All this social-ness would’ve scared me even  a month ago. It would feel draining. Now it’s invigorating.

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I feel like I’m guided by spirits, telling me exactly where to be, who to see and what to do.

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And guess what? I think I can launch Pervette by the 10th of this month. That’s a week from now..

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Today was a perfect monk mode day. I went really slow..

I feel like I’m in some sort of post-iboga child-like bliss.

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An old friend called, I actually picked up. He says he missed me and have been thinking of me..We used to go on designer drug journeys together.

We caught up. Everything is still the same for him..except he deejays now on KALX

I told him I want his solo music on pervette.

Crazy how I am doing the opposite of what I  have been doing for the past 3 years, I’m taking calls and replying to people as it comes in. No more dropping threads.

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I reconnected with an old sub/slave. I told him how I want to do a film analysis project with him. He says he’s open to it even though his time is limited.

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Are you sensing a theme? Since x-mas, I’ve been reaching out to old friends and subs simultaneously and seeing how we can stay connected through pervette projects. Every connection must be fruitful and generative.

 

 

 

Saturday, Jan 4, 2020 11:11pm

 

Dear U,

I had a long day in the city..

What makes a day magical is how I couldn’t really plan for how it unfolded..

It would take forever for me to describe to you the string of events that happened that led to its unfolding, which is really the magical part, so all  I can give you is the events slightly decontextualized of its happenstance nature

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At 12:30, I had a call with Dr. M

So let me get this straight, you draw my blood, put it in a centrifuge and take the white plasma-rich platelets and combine the stem cells of someone’s placenta an inject in in my scalp.

Yes, that’s right.

Do you have a payment plan?

I can make an exception for you.

Great. Sign me up.

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Ditch  the farmer’s market and 3 Stone Hearth and went straight into the city..

I saw A before my string of dates. We had 45 minutes. I  gave him his new years presents, a book entitled “You Will Be  Able to Draw By the  End o f this Book”, a portable fancy watercolor set, a black pocketbook notepad for drawing and watercolors and some pens from Top Drawer, which he loved. I thought it would help with his goal of wanting to learn how to draw.

In return he gave me my present, his cock. I wasn’t expecting it since we didn’t have time, I was aware that I was going to be late to my first date, but I didn’t mind..

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Oh shoot, I switched iphones and I am looged out of my burner phone app, Hushed, now I can’t tell B that I’m running late..

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Founder of a startup, tall, cute, and sweet. He got me my golden milk latte at Samovar, and went for a walk through the mission and Dolores Park. He was quire nervous as he had no idea what to expect, I mean  I didn’t show my face in my profile, and I had the craziest profile, was it too good to be true. He thought he was being catfished..

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I enjoyed our walk and talk, he asked about open relationships…

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2nd date, he got me my rooibos tea at FAye’s Cafe.

Russian accent, interesting. We perused the film selection in the back. He thinks I’m a film buff. It was probably because I pointed out my favorite Pasolini film (Salo), talked about Tarkovsky and French New Wave. And Antonioni.

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I could feel my energy and attnention being depleted, he’s a social violator. Doesn’t abide by the Gricean Maxims of Conversation. But I did learn about his dating app strategies and what he learned in his 17 years of using a  ton of sating apps. Pictures are everything..

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Back to Samovar, meet with N. I  haven’t seen him in years. SO funny how he reached out today, and I was thinking of him..and the string of events happened so that we can meet up last minute like this..

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We caught up over tea and Topo Chico at his place. And our conversation  was so stimulating, I love how intellectual he gets.. me.

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We recorded our  convo, it felt like a podcast or radio showinterview, the way he asked his questions. It turns out he  was a college radio dj..I could see us podcasting..

He gave me this special little psychedelic guide book from the couple who was a part of the orange acid sheet thing (I’m butchering the name) in the 60’s…our talk inspired me to revisit my psychedelic books as  a guide to creating the pervette guide to kink.

I had to go pee, I drank a  ton of tea.

He asked if he can be my toilet.

WHy not?

He got what he  asked for, the flood dose. A gallon of my piss, he drank it all up.

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Afterwards, we were both buzzing from that micro session high.

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He says there’s something about my approach to kink, it’s healing. I think it all has to do with how we making meaning from these acts..

Back home, I saw P2 had visited Cutie. He left her sitting before a photo of her among the red maple tree leaves..

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I’m trying to write to you everyday now. This is me writing as fast as I can, before I  crash..

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11:33pm Goodnight U

 

Sunday, Jan 5, 2020  11:44pm

 

Dear  U,

Holy fuck. Another packed day.

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I’m not sure if I fully decompressed from yesterday’s 4 dates in the city.

Had to get up, tidy up the house, shower, get ready, pick out my outfits for the photoshoot with S3. He’s coming over at 11:13am

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I was slightly concerned that I didn’t have any idea what I was going to do for the birthday party invite photo we were going to shoot. Every year, the photo invite gets a little more clever and cheeky and harder to outdo the last..

But a few minutes before S3 arrived, the idea came to me, it’s am amalgm of my previous bday party invite and Colette photo from the early aughts.

I’ll be in my latex stocking holding a red balloon between my legs, with the invite details written on it, and wearing claws on my fingers..

I called P2 to go fetch me me claws at the dungeon and pick up some red balloons.

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S3 came over at 11:13, we caught up as I put on my red lipstick and curled my hair. He’s learning how to let go and accept..his  divorce, selling his house, the fact that he won’t have custody of his youngest son.

I reframe it as all very liberating, really.

He has fantasies of getting an Airstream and taking our show on the road, I love it. Although I don’t think I can ride with him for days in the airstream, I’ll just jet to the destination and meet him there.

 

What’s the first destination, he asked.

I said Salt Lake City, Utah. To  visit my old best friend, N.  She’s the Mormon friend (who got me into Mormonism) who’s my age and never had a boyfriend or had sex. I’m gonna out myself to her and hopefully she’ll be cool with us recording our convo.

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As S3 and I were chit chatting, I had this idea..

That impromptu sex session I had with A yesterday  was kinda amazing. I was  in an out of there in 45 minutes. How efficient.

I left him an animoji message saying I  had this idea..insspired by our time yesterday of me dropping in, having sex and taking  off. Perhaps we can meet his sex 3 times a week quota if we made our visits super brief and efficient like yesterday..and possibly after my shoopt and hanogut with my friend, if I’mnot too tired I can drop  off my friend in the city and stop by his place for a micro session.

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A replied, Let’s do it 🙂

he said if I’m too tired after my shoot, we can just cuddle as he  fondles me..

We shot in the orgy room.

Then P2 came over with the claws and balloons, i had them blow up the balloons. I have to be careful and write on the balloon legibly.

We ended up using the giant balloon that one of my looner subs gave to me..

P2 held the lights as S3 shot away..

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After many poses and different backgrounds, I think we got something.

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With the house a crazy photoshoot explosion mess, I took off as S3 transferred the photos to my hard drive and P2 started his chores at the house..so nice to take off and know they’re there taking care of all the loose ends.

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I was late to my tea with A4. 47 min late. Not unlike yesterday when I was half an hour late to my first date.

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I called A4, told him I’m just gonna swoop him up and head straight to the house I’m thinking of renting. I  was meeting the agent at 5. I swooped A4 up at 4:47 and we made it to the house at 4:54. Not bad.

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The house had an epic view of the bay. A nicce open layout and fancy kitchen with a beautiful french stove. The owner is an older women who’s been enjoying living in Paris.

The master and 2nd bedroom is quite small in person. The funicular and steps from the street to the house is bad feng shui. Fro 5500 it feels not quite right or worth it, even though the view is quite epic..

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As I drove A4 into the city, he told me about his current projects. He has three novels written and is pitching them to publishers, and haven’t heard back. This is the story of his life for as long as I’ve known him, since 2009.

He says he’s gonna pickup this one novel he was working on a few years ago and finish it.

I told him to put it on hold and start a writing project with me..

His old school way of writing novels and then seeking out agents and publishers hasn’t worked for him, it’s time to do something new..

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I told him I’m gonna help him get published. I’m gonna get his writing exposed through pervette.

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Son the ride into the city towards A’s place. I started throwing out ideas. I  said I’m gonna publish 12P (my memori that he ghostwrite back in 2010) on Pervette, but add my notes to it and edit it so the reader can see the before and after.. He liked that idea, it’s actaully connected to the Domme/slave novel project we started and abandoned years ago..

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Then I said, I think ( I was just riffing) we should do a novel based on the perspective of Cutie (this is akin to his crow novel, where the story was told through the eyes of the crow). Everything will be told through the eyes of Cutie, my beloved stuffed panda..

He kept listening while I riffed and pitched it to him..

The wilder the stories, like P2 and his love for Cutie, the tattoo, te tumblr blog, our theories on her sentience, he was seeing how it might just work. I pulled up to the front of A’s place, and told him the story of how I got Cutie..He loved it.

I also told him my documentary idea, which  he loved as well.

Both of us were excited, we’re reconnenting in the new decade with a new project and revisiting our old one as well, 12P(erverions). Smiling widely, he took off.

And I went in and upstairs to A’s place. I had a dream about his apt complex last night. It was a true labyrinth in my dream.

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2 days in a row, a visit with A. We cuddled on the sofa. He was happy to see I wasn’t wearing a bra today.

Mom said I can sleep in your bed tonight, he said.

The famous line that gets pervy me excited. He  took off my garter underwear.. On our sides, he slipped his cock in me, and didn’t move it.

This isn’t sex, he  says.

He’s using all the lines I like..

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We made lovely love.

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Afterwards he  said he  was trying to be creepy, like how I wanted it.

I smiled.

He asked what I was thinking.

I said he wasn’t that creepy.

How does one be creepy.

You have to relish making the other person’s skin crawl and make them feel uncomfortable.

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He showed me his new ax he got at the alameda flea market this morning. it was old and beautiful. he’s gonna use it at his house in Tahoe. I love how manly he is.

 

I dropped him off at trader joe’s, which was just down the street. I arrived at 6:20 and said goodbye at 7:47, how efficiently perfect.

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Back home, I saw that P2 had done all the dished and folded allt he laundry and tidied up the photoshoot explosion. God bless him.

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I made a kale carrot almond stirfry.

Mom called, she  texted me photos of the crochet heart bookmarks that I wanted her to make. They were so cute, in pink, yellow and green..

I said they looked great, she likes hearing my approval.

Another earthquake happened today. The epicenter was kinda where our house is..that’s scary..

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B  texted and wanted to hang tomorrow if I was free. I’ve been dodging his invites all of last year during my monk mode.

I said sure..how about a  walk around lake merritt. He says that sounds amazing..

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I booked my jetsuitex flights for LA this weekend..

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I text with B from yesterday, he  says maybe we can go for a walk in Berkeley sometime,  I said I would love that. I ask about the author of the fitness book he was talking about, he texted me the Amazon link, I ordered it. I’m excited about getting leaner and cutter.

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The other CMB date texted saying he would love to continue our acquaintance..hmmm should i tell him I find his social violating presence energy sucking?

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I recorded my days here and in my planner.

So far, I’ve hit my 4 pillars of a perfect day everyday this year and got to color the box of each day in my annual calendar with the four colors, pink for pervetting, yellow for eating well, blue for meditation, green for being active and in my body.

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For the new record, sex counts as being active and in my body..

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I need to go meditate

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Eventually, I need to go back to my last two weeks and fill you in on my christmas time in the OC.

That’s been weighing on my mind.

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Just reflecting, the number of people I’m connecting with in person or over phone daily is insane (to me).

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P took off for Aspen with his sugarbaby today. Happy for him and it’s not me that has to go to Aspen. The timing of our other relationships is quite perfect.

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A asked the other day, Does it seem like me and P are drifting apart?

It may seem like that on the outside looking in. But  really, we’re just as close as ever, if not more.

Just because we don’t feel like having sex with each other or don’t want to spend that time together doesn’t mean we love each other any less.

If anything, it’s just the heightening of our LAT (Living Apart Together) relationship.

I can’t even imagine spending time with him right now, I have so much to do and so many people to connect with, I don’t think I can or even want to give him the attention that he needs. Not like the way a new sugar baby can give to him..Thank god for open relationships..this is really the only way we can get all our needs met..

I love our weird laissez-faire love. It’s perfect and fits our extremely independent ways so well, it’s crazy..

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When I was talking to my mom today, she asked where P was. I  said LA. Technically P was in LA earlier today, but he also took off with his sugarbaby for Aspen  around noon. I didn’t tell her that.  She was silent. As she always is when I tell her where P is, which is never home with me.

Same with my dad, he always asks where  P is when  we talk, and I tell him LA, or Hong Kong, or Tokyo or Australia or wherever he is. He asks if his travel is for work. I usually fib and say, yeah.

I don’t know how to explain to my dad that it’s not really tor work, but for fun,  and fucking around with escorts and sugarbabies.

I can tell by the way they grunt as a reply that they think they know something I don’t know. Like they’re concerned for me that P is cheating on me and I’m completely oblivious to it.

I think I once explained to my mom that P and I have an open relationship. But never my aspbergery dad. He can barely make sense of things that are logical and sensical.

I guess I still bend the truth for him so that he doesn’t worry about me too much. Unlike the rest of my family, he doesn’t know that I’m a domme.

I’m sure that I will have to tell him the truth at some point. I’m beginning to see that it’s always your family that pushes you the hardest to be more patient and honest.

Monday, Jan 6, 2020 11:44pm

 

Dear U,

Another incredible day. I woke up in a meditative state, moving slowly and wondering how I’m gonna make it through the day..

Then I meditated.

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I broke my mindful spell when I started doing research on the “best gimbal 2020″ since i dropped and broke mine yesterday during the shoot.

Amazon Primed the best rated gimbal and now I’m not very meditative anymore.

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When I was in the shower, I chanted.. and asked how am I going to do this? I realize I have A LOT to do in a  short period of time..

Am I really going to change the way people think with the current state of where I’m at? I  mean pervette is still kinda a drafty draft work in progress..

 

I got ready, gathered all the lights, charged batteries and cameras. Made a hot power drink with everything in it and drove to the dungeon.

 

Whenever I drive fast, I’m on auto pilot, not even thinking about driving, I get visions, it’s as though the fast speed is transporting me forward and I can feel how I’m going to feel in the future when all of my wild pervette dreams come true. I got emotional and excited, and messianic, giving my motivational birthday party speech about chasing your dreams..

It’s crazy. But this is what keeps me going. That doubt I had earlier, the question I asked in the shower (How am in going to do this?),felt like it was being answered by just the feeling I felt, ofhaving accompiished it..

I mean I know how to do it.. but can I do it all?

And the feeling I felt so deeply on the drive is aresounding yes..

Is this what people who accomplish giant things feel in the beginning, just a knowing feeling?

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I got to the dungeon, P2 was there setting the space up.

He was excited for our session. It’s our first session of 2020. And it w as Jan 8 of 2019 that we had a our last session (with Q shadowing it). For some (or many reasons) reason, we both didn’t feel like sessioning with each other until now. I was in monk mode, P2 was feeling many emotions..

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He had sketched out a structure for the session, 2 acts with an intermission. First is pleasure, second is pain, for he has to pay for the pelasure in pain..

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I got ready, came down, and we began.

I positioned the lights, cameras and P2..

And Act 1 was (as he said later) amazing.

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I got into it, the act of teasing him and playing with him in a way I haven’t before, because in my mind in the past, I had written him off as a pure masochist and not a sensual submissive.. but now I’m learning his desires, and tapping into them as I let my intuition guide my hands and body to to tease his..

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Second act was breathplay, with the piss inhaler and gasmask..

He was very close to the edge for most of the time..

I didn’t let him come, and the scene ended with him hogtied, crawling on the floor to lick up my spit on the concrete ground..

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We were both buzzing afterwards. He ehlped me with my stuff to the car and handed Cutie off to me.

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Then I took off for Lake Merritt, I chose the gardens to meet B there. I was 15 min late.

Running theme: me running late..

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B and I haven’t seen each since last spring when I invited him to a gangbang I was organizing and my other stunt cocks flaked last minute, so  it was all him and the gangbangee..which he loved..

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B is my age, former client for a minute and we’ve been friends for almost a decade now. I’ve been terribly flakey with him, until yesterday.

I think I avoided seeing him because I thought our talks always revolved around him needing validation for his free spirited aimlessness and unconventional life choices

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We walked throught the gardens and around the lake catching up. His energy is different, way more centered adn at peace. Although he’s still uncertain what to do with his life. He quit his well paying corporate job 8 years and has been traveling the world ever since, optimizing for landing in the best (sex) parties.

 

He thought about pursuing acting and being the next keanu reeves but didn’t feel it.

 

He says he’s been thinking a lot about what I suggested to him last time we saw each other, which  was porn…

He’s been meeting porn stars and dibing into porn business research..

.

He says he met with Erika Lust’s producers and they told him the crew on set consists of 30 people, and he’s on the list to be called..

He says 30 people on set is intimidatig

.

I said I like Erika Lust’s concept, but her stuff doesn’t do i t for me..It’s too over produced and kinda kitchsy artsy..

I don’t think  I ever walked the whole lake merritt. It took us a full 90 minutes. We started around 4, it  was beautiful at that hour, catching the sunset along the water. The way we stopped to marvel at tree trunks, squirrels, seagulls, nature, there was an easeful fluidity in our walk, talk, and taking in the beauty around us. Our energy seems to match each other quite well, this is new…

.

B felt aimless and wodnering what’s in store for him, all he wants to do is travel and have amazing sex..

Can he really go back to getting a normal job? he’s been pondering that for years.

It’s funny how I mentioned pervette and wanting to make sapiosexual porn. and it wasn’t until the last 5 minutes of our long walk around the sunset lake did we connect it.

 

I’m gonna make porn this year, I  said.

If you’re gonna make porn, I want it, he says.

For sure, let’s do it.

And then it all clicked. Everything we talked about in our long walk all came together.

Of course, I said, we’re gonna travel the world, meet the hottest porn starrs we have crushes on and make porn with them.

Oh my god yessss!

And it’s going to be real porn capturing the conversations leading up to it, podcast style..

.

It’s going to be amazing real sex we’re capturing, the kind that’s spiritual and feel like a holy fuck, I said

 

Yassss! B is really into spiritual sex.

.

Our body languuage had changed by the time we talked about making porn together. We were both monks pontificating with hands in pockets, and now I had my arm around his waist, he’s 6’3” that’s where my arms land. and his arm around my shoulders…it was getting cold it was nice to be closer

And just like that by the time we got to my car, we’ve figured out B’s new career, which he  was searching for for the past 8 years, it took all that time, soul searching, plus this fateful walk around lake merritt on this very day in 2020 to know with absolutely certainty this is it.

.

There’s more meaning behind why B whould be a porn star. It has a lot to do with his past, his insecurities, his dreams and desires that I can’t get into right now. In time, he’ll tell his story and it’ll make sense to you more..

.

We hugged and kissed and said  I love you. Buzzing from visioning our future..

.

I have to tell you, this is a theme.

I reconnect with old friends, and somehow after a talk where they don’t want know what to do next with their lives,all they know is that they want to do something they actaully enjoy doing and it’s meaningful work.. I plant the seed of what I see, and it quickly germinates in their mind.. and then we have a project..

.

I love co-creation in lieu of procreation

I’m a co-creation slut..

.

I took off for the Tuesday South Berkeley Farmer’s Market, when I got there and saw no stalls set up for the market, I realized today is  not Tuesday.

.

I went to the kebabery for dinner. I haven’t eaten out since I got back and today I was craving the Kebabery. The clerk remembered me. I’m not that frequent of a customer I thought. My kebab plate was so  yummy. Pasture-raised chicken kebabs, organix mashed lentils, spiced carrots, mashed beets and fresh herbs,  I didn’t want my eating to end..

.

I started reading the Psychedelic Guide N gave me..

.

I got an email from the Cloud Payment rep. He wrote:

Okay, so here is the deal.

Unfortunately, the bank declined. Their reason is listed below. I have another bank I can send it to, but I would recommend removing any “drug-related language” before sending there. These are federal banks that have to okay these applications, so they are always squirmish about those things

Merrick bank Declined – multiple references to drugs, drug use, psychedelic lifestyle, LSD, iboga, Ayahuasca, mushrooms,   etc.

.

 

Oh shit. I totally didn’t even think abou tthat. Ijust created that shamanatrix plant medicine page 2 days ago, and it was just today that they reviewed the site when this whole time during the appliation process (these past 3 weeks) that page never existed. What strange timing.

I  wasn’t upset by the rejection..

I almost feel like the timing was too uncanny to be upset, like it was fated to be this way, for some reason..

So I removed the link to page I created that mentioned my “life-changing experiences..”

Hopefully the second bank will approve..

.

I thught I Was gonna do some reading tonight, I was so excited about it..

But I ended up doing some more research on this platelet rich plasma hair therapy that I just signed up for..

And at S3’s poke, I started picking going through our birthday party invite photoshoot pics  that we took yesterday and selected the one for S3 to edit the writing on the balloon to make it more legible.

Funny how after so many takes and different angle and pose changes whic took us an hour or so,  I ended up liking and picking the very first photo he took.

And then I ended up going through the old balloon shoot I did years ago with P2 and B2 , and found a video P2 took of me inside the balloon as it was gettin blown up by B2 with our leaf blower. Found my next IG post. A behind the scenes video  for the last photo.. I haven’t’ posted since Deb 18th. Gotta be more consistent..

.

S3 is texting me, he with this crazy girl he met from craigslist when he was giving away his ex-wife’s fabric..

He says:

I tell every woman that I’m in a poly relationship with you and that you’re a domme, It’s the best filter ever.

.

That’s funny, because that’s what P says.

.

It’s 12:44pm. I should sign off.

Hey look at me, I’ve been writing to you everyday since the beginning of the new year.

 

.

Monday, Tuesday, Jan 7, 2020 11:22pm

 

Dear U,

My head hurts. It was aching last night but went away when I meditated.

.

I just meditated for an hour, and the ache went away, then came back right as I stopped and got to working on Pervette ( I created a new page on how to heal a heartbreak) The idea to create  that post came to me in my meditation this morning.

.

I had to create a page, it’s my goal to create a page a day, or at the  very least write to you..

.

Let’s  see if I can quickly recap my day:

Recorded vivid dream that was very telling. And now that I look back at what I wrote, it actually connected with the events of my day in some way. I can”t explain it all; now since my head hurts..

.

Meditated, P2 arrived to paint the outside of the house, I posted on Instagram a video of me inside a giant balloon getting blown  up by a leaf blower, gave Atusko Kudo my updated measurements and photos of my front and back side for the latex pieces S2 got me for x-mas

 

.

Bizzzness call with A2, we shared our visions for 2020, A2 want to scale her retreats and workshops, she wants me to start thinking about people who can stand in for me when I can’t be at the Powerplay workshops myself. I told her I do have someone in mind I want to bring in.

.

I  old her my vision: To launch Pervette, build my brand and following, make a documentary,  hold more gatherings, connect with my hero/ines and interview them for my podcast and co-create with them, and hold more gatherings..

.

As I was talking to A2, Mom called and texted photos of the crochet heart booksmarks (for pervette swag) she’s been making of different colors. Right after my call with A2, I called mom back. We discussed the different color hearts, which ones I like best, the pink ones, the greens are good, so is yellow, no on white..I love how excited she gets when she’s crocheting for me..

.

quick visit with P2

.

I tweeted on Twitter.

.

 

Went to drop off my silk dresses to be dry cleaned and ready to pick up by Friday aso I c an bring them down this weekend to get more made by the Vietnamese seamstress I met last time I was there. The old Korean lady whom I liked a lot at the dry cleaner’s who used to sit in the corner doing alterations passed away, I learned.

.

Apple store to exchange the clear clase P got me for the black one.

.

Wne tto Top Drawer next door to get drawing pencils, which was on the agenda. What I didn’t expect was to get a Japanese calligraphy pen, because I learned from the clerk there that you can draw with them as well.

.

I did an IG story with a video of a sunset, while driving..

.

Farmer’s market to get veggies, persimmons, olives, walnuts, etc

.

Home: made my classic veggie stirfry, ate it as mindfully as I could.

hard to concetrate on days I’m on social media.

.

Talked to L about our session this Sunday and his very first session, he’s a friend of A2, my age, lives in Venice,  is attracted to me and wants to learn how to unleash  ans surrender as he’s always the one curating these decadent pleasurable experiences for women.. He says he’s so curious about me..

I find him attractive and curious as well.

This will be fun..

.

A calls as I was cleaning the kitchen. I did mention that maybe we can get together tonight when we were together last on Sunday..

.

I get back to a fee Coffee Meets Bagel guys, tentatively aiming for a time to get together, but made no set plans, as my month is feeling squishy..

.

I jump on the aerial silk, practiced the stirrup trick L’s beau taught me last week. This counts as “being active”

.

I meditated for an hour because my head hurt and I took it as a sign that maybe I should be meditating to open my third eye. Or I could be getting sick.. I think  it’s the former.

.

During my sit, the idea of flying home for Chinese New Year for the day to be with my mom came to me..

I haven’t spent Chinese New Year with her in a very long time. Like 2 decades ago?

.

I think I’ll book a jetsuite flight right now, just in case..

Wednesday, 1.8.20 (technically Thursday 12:53am as I write this)

 

Dear U,

I’ll be quick in my recap:

 

I did book my flight for Chinese New Year last night before bed

.

Woke up from another super vivid  telling dream

.

Dental visit, no cavities! But I need a night guard

.

E came ot visit, he brought tea and macaroons. I made two pots of tea, one black, the other herbal (my special blend), dried persimmons, asian pears, I toasted some almonds and walnuts for us, talke dabout  health and diet and pervette..

.

P2 day 2 of exterior house painting.

.

It clicked this afternoon.  I need to make the landing page of pervette more editorial, and feature all the contrubutors’ writing on the front page

.

I told P2 my idea, he likes it.

.

I took a walk to my tree at 3.

Came back called S3 told him my idea for pervette, he liked it as well.

I’m going to ask for people’s answer to the question,

What is Intimacy?

.

Went for a sunset walk with  Cutie

.

Measured my upperbust, bust and underbust for Atsuko Kudo

Sauteed collard greens and kale with a fried duck egg on top

.

Started writing out the prompt for what is intimacy?

.

Sent it to A4, P2 and S3…

.

Came across an email that got buried in my inbox, it was from J, the undergrad who interviewed me asking about my job as a Domme, she sent me her final paper. I read it, It  was really good..

I need to reply to her, she’s asking about starting at  a  house, it sounds like she wants to be a pro domme..

.

I masturbate in the orgy room,

study IG

.

Somehow it’s becoming more and more clear to me, until it hit me:

I’m combining pervette 1.0 with pervette 2.0.!

.

I’m connecting the dots, everything is coming together..

.

I am just  the slightest concerned that I have  quite  a bit  of work to do.

 

Because work involves alone time to create and social time to connect. And somehow I’m just not getting enough alone time to create..

I need to work on that..

I need more time.

 

Thursday, 1.9.2020

(technically the 10th at 12:44am as I write this)

 

Dear U,

It’s late and it was a long pretty magical day. Let’s see if I can quickly catch you up.

.

S6 arrived at 11:12, he was 85 mph to make it at 11:11 but waze threw him off and he got turned around..

I was toasting S2’s almonds for us. We had two types of yesterrday (like yesterday) and caught up. He’s been soul searching, feeling bad that he doesn’t want to continue working at his friend’s cannabis startup that’s gonna blow up. He feels like he’s  passing up a one in a million chance but the work is not nourishing to to his soul. He wants to work for himself, make music, make art, and be  a sexworker.

I smiled as he went on about not knowing what to do. Because I saw his future.. He’s gonna make porn with me and become an awesome SW.

.

I told him what was new with me, pervette launch, house selling, etc.

He pitched an idea of wanting to do some trade with me (that is, if I keep the house) of setting up a work studio in one of my rooms, and in trade I can hire him to produce events like sex parties, etc.

I said I was open  to it.

I said I was feeling into this last night and I woke up this morning feeling like I still see more work to be done in th si house and I want to keep it.

He says I have to keep this house, it’s too magical and filled with incredible energy to let it go..

.

We started plotting all the different stream of revenues this house can make: sex parties, workshops,  art studio, making porn..

.

It was fun plotting with him

.

Then we went downstairs into the toad room. I showed him the room he could possibly set up his studio in. I’t the one room in the house that’s under utilized right now..

He says this room is perfect. The glass doors leading to the outside backyard, with its own entrance.. and then opened up the closet.

Oh my god, he said, you have so  much photo gear. Holy fuck, you have Pro Photo lights and Canon 4?

He was kinda blown away by all the equipment. It is kinda crazy that’s it’s just sitting there, barely used..

.

We walked upstairs, to the former dining room now called magic room, this is where the photos tudio could be, I said.

It’s perfect, he said..

 

I suggested we meditate for 22 minutes in the orgy room.

We  did.

After that

He suggested we create something, we have about 90 min.

.

So  I put  on my latex, and we shot..he moves so quickly I love it. 4 different spots on the upper floor, I love his direction, very clear and precise, and he used 4 cameras. It was so fun, fluid and easy, and the shots on my new iphone were amazing.

.

We still had more time, I suggest we shoot some video..

.

He shot me…

It got smutty, I’ll say that.. I’m excited to put that on pervette, behind the paywall..

.

Then  I shot him, on his film camera

he came..

.

This is what i want to do everyday!, he said

Take the bold leap and do what you really want to do, I said

He was in a quandary, he doesn’t want to disappoint his friend, but he was also afraid to just pursue his career as an artist and SW/porn star.

.

It’s gonna happen..

.

That’s 3 for 3.

S3, B, and S6: three guys who didn’t know what their next step in their career was until

I said, you should make porn with me..

.

I made  us  a veggie stirfy for lunch, he had to take off soon after, around 3 which was perfect, because the sun  had come out and got to go for a walk with Cutie (in my zip up hoodie and her head sticking out) in the afternoon sun.

Came back, called mom as she called earlier. Told her I was with a friend when I missed her call (didn’t tell her I was making porn with my friend).

She said not to eat meat today, it’s a full moon (according to her calendar). I told her that I booked  a flight home for chinese new year, thinkign she would be happy to hear that, but she sounded concerned, she’s superstitious about the new year, you’re not supposed to have people  (who don’t match you astrologically) visit you on the new year, you’re supposed to stay at home, in a clean house, abundantly filled with flowers, food and water..

Ooh good to know, I told her it’s cool I can just cancel that flight.

.

We talk about my desire for keeping the house, she prays fo rme everyday, that P would change his mind and not sell the house so I can live in it. She says the most important prayer for this has to come from me..

.

She says I should look into getting a job that pays consistently so that I can be financially dependent.

She’s been telling me all the time.

Look at W (my sister’s ex and friend now), she says, He wants to be a writer, refuses to work a normal job, and now he’s broke, doesn’t even have a car anymore and he has to have his mom help him out, and that’s because he wanted to be a writer.

I didn’t feel like defending myself or arguing wit her. I just grunted, yeah..

.

I went for another walk with Cutie to  catch  the sunset.

.

I’m still buzzing from the magical morning afternoon with S6.

I love how I didn’t know what to expect going into our teatime meeting, all I knew was that I needed to make time to meet with him, and now I know why..

.

I made a hot power drink, zipped to the dungeon, visions come to me when I drive fast..

P2 was there at the studio setting up the dungeon for my session, and for me to hand off Cutie to him for the night..

.

Session with J4 and L3. L3 and I mostly and listene dto J4 talk about himself and astronomy..he’s on the spectrum

.

Back home, I had so much energy ihad to dance it off, went outside, said hello to the bright full moon, came back in, created a new animoji character, she looks like me, except she  has a tongue ring (just to be silly) I sent an animoji to P, A, and L2, asking her is she wants to chat tomorrow.

.

I said a prayer, explicitly asking for P to see all the  work I want to do in this house and not sell it..

.

I got an email from S, she can meet tomorrow re Pervette and work on the new landing page over the weekend. Yessss!!

.

Quick scan of bagels and messages in coffee meets bagel..

I edited my profile and added to the section

“I appreciate when my date..”

Has impeccable pant-to-shoe transition

.

It’s 1:11am right now. I just heard a coyote howl..

possibly at the full moon.

.

It’s gonna be hard to fall asleep, with all this energy buzzing in me..

.

 

I haven’t had to time to read a book at all all week. Tomorrow is my monk mode day.. I’m definitely gonna read, write, create the new landing page of Pervette, annnnd prolly get a pedicure. I need one, pretty badly.

Okay, gnight you…

 

Friday, 1.10.2020 11:44pm

 

Dear U,

I’m gonna make this quick so I can get to bed early, wake up and meditate with the guru remotely at 7am..

Then I have to catch my flight to LA.

.

Had a distracted by phone morning, then meditated. P2 arrives to return Cutie by my side (I definitely feel more centered with her around) as I was meditating. He continues painting the outside of the house..

Had  a 3 hour meeting with S on the landing page of Pervette.

I gave her pics that need to be cut out and made as icons..

Cutie, Me, me and my friends all naked and sexy on fur blankets, my open notebook with “What is Intimacy written on it, and my hourglass..

During our meeting , the second back was reviewing my credit card processing application…

.

I quickly slip in my nail salon to get a pedicure as I start reading Thinner, Leaner, Stronger..

.

Pick up the gold dress a the dry cleaners. Back home in ttime to catch the sunset with Cutie..

.

Cook the usual veggie stirfry for dinner.

.

Facetimed P, he’s in Seattle, back from his weeklong snowboarding trip with his sugarbaby in Aspen. I haven’t talked to him all week. We both naturally knew it was best not to connect.

We caught up..

He  think he’s gonna go to Cabo next..

.

 

I was in get shit done mode..

I told him I’m in this crazy zone, where I’m very aware of ALL the things I have to do, it’s a lot..

.

It’s hyper connection and creation time. And I’m super focused.

Just so he knows..

He appreciated that bc he felt that energy. And he’s happy for me. we’re in differnet places in this new phase of our lives, I’m focused on Pervette, he’s traveling  a ton and trying not to ve in CA that much.. and he gets it that I don’t want to go to Aspen with him, or Cabo..

We both love how fluid our relationship is..

.

He says he might hop down to LA tomorrow, since Settle is pretty cold.

I was neutral about his decision. I was anticipating having the Santa Monica pad all to myself, but it’ll be nice to see P for a minute in between my meetings..it’s a slightly packed day and a half there.

.

It’s actually about right.. we’ll connect for a sec, and he’ll prolly hop off to Cabo and I go full speed ahead on Pervette

 

I do feel like  w e’re in a very apart phase of our LAT relationship..

.

Is it weird to not see or talk to your partner for a week and not really miss him?

After our talk, I was full of energy, I started packing, lingerie I’m gonna wear, my LA outfit, kinky gear for my session Sunday..

.

I was feeling the anxiety of my to do list..

.

Then my body told me to meditate, so I did (with Cutie)

My mind directed itself toward the body, it felt amazing.

.

Then I filled the cups of my Guanyin altar, lit a candle and incense and said a prayer..

.

Then I replied to E and A4.

.

A4 isn’t feeling the Cutie writing project, I felt it too..

I pitched him a new idea that came to me as I was writing him…

He’s gonna capture my oral history…

.

It’s a lunar eclipse, I feel it.

All my old pervette ideas are coming together..

I’m gonna write intimate letters to my SW friends to show our connection..

.

Journaling to you now

Now gonna get ready for bed..

It’s 12:06 am. The moon is full.

 

Goodnight, U.

Saturday, 1.11.20, 11:101pm

Santa Moninca, CA

 

Dear U,

I’ve been so good about you writing you daily..

.

Today, I woke up at 7:21am. I got to meditate with the guru remotely for 33 min, since the group started at 7 and went till 8.

.

I was feeling quite meditative, I recorded a part of my dream.

Showered, packed the rest of my stuff for LA.

Didn’t have the appetite to eat a kale salad, but I was tempted to make one since I had some kale and might as well eat it before I take off.. I didn’t. I frothed some bone broth instead. Thank goodness I didn;’t make that kale salad I prolly would’ve been late to my flight.

.

P2 was working today so he couldn’t take me to the airport. I had a female uber driver. Hispanic, in her early 40’s, with frazzled hair and a visor. She looks worn down. Do you have a private jet? she asked. No, it’s JetsuiteX, I said. I explained to her how jsx works. I think she thought I was crazy rich or something.

We got talking about my house, living in the hills. She used to work  in real estate. I tell her that we’re selling this house even though I do love it..

If you love it, see if you can keep it, she says. But what’s more important is that you keep your spouse.

Okay.

She told me her “tragic story” as she called it. She was dating a Persian guy for years on the east coast. His parents never approved of him being with her. And then on one trip to Vietnam (without her) he knocked up a Vietnamese girl, fell into a depression and then eventually married the pregnant girl out of guilt. In the end, no one was happy, she said, not him, not me, not his parents, maybe the Vietnamese girl?

.

So she moved out here to start over. She had a background in accounting , real estate..

I would’ve never imagined that i would be driving for Uber, she said.

Interesting how a person carries themselves is a personification of the story they tell.

.

She asked what I did. I told her I was a writer and artist.

She said she loves art, that’s what she majored in.

If you ever wanna make art..

Yeah.

As she dropped me off she gave me her number on a napkin.

I’ll hold on to that.

.

Meditative flight to BUR.

Uber to Santa Monica pad.

P left an envelope, with the keys and a car shaped card

“welcome baby” it looks like card from Kakimori made for welcoming a baby into the world,  but it works in this context too..

On it P wrote:

“It’s great to have you in Socal! To a new mupp chapter! I love you lots! P mupps”

Chatted with L2 about her writing for Pervette.

.

Facetimed P. Since he hurt his ribs snowboarding, it hurts when he laughs.

I’m being muppety, so I make him laugh.

I really like the look on his face when he’s laughing and trying not to bc it hurts.

I tell him it was my intellectual ego yesterday talking to him when I was saying that I’m cool with us not being sexual with each other because there’s no sexual polarity big words etc..

Maybe bc he was fucking around with a sugarbaby and stuff like that, and I’m all like..I sound all muppety..

P nods as if I read his mind and is trying not to laugh at lil mupps being all butthurt.

I’m glad I brought that up, I feel much closer to him now. It always takes a minute for the mupps to come out after a long break of not seeing or talking to each other..

.

I get ready, and uber back in the direction I was coming from earlier, towards Los Feliz. I’m meeting with O, a lovely escort whose brand is very sharp and sexy.

For xmas, P wanted a threesome with her, specifically he wanted us to spitroast her.

So I reached out last time I was here, we made plans to get together, but then I took off early for my solo NYE.

.

We met at Little Pine, Moby’s vegan restaurant, I ‘ve always wanted to try that spot..

.

We overordered, my fault, I wanted to try everything..

Funny how we both don’t show our faces online, so it takes a moment to register, it’s like a blind date, but not really.

We hit it off. She’s smart, sharp, savvy, funny, a tomboy, chatty and fun..It was so fluid and easy to get to know each other. As if we already did.

.

“I think my parents think I’m doing something super sketchy, she said. I think it’s because this one time I borrowed my mom’s money to pay off my student loans, and I paid her back all in cash. And she was like, where did you get this?? I was 23, I wasn’t thinking”

.

A really good piece of advice she gave me is that I should get an assistant to handle all my bookings, once I get back into working..

.

She would love to write for Pervette..

.

We were there for 3 1/2 hours, we would’ve stayed longer but there were people waiting for our table.

I insisted on paying, I put it on P’s amex. She couldn’t believe I came all the way from Santa Monica, she wanted to give me a ride back. I told her it’s all good, I love getting work done on the ride..

.

On the ride back, I called P, told him how cool I think O is. Although I don’t think she’s spitroast material. I think we’re better off with his new sugarbaby.

It was a fun convo with P, like muppety bros talking about sexworkers and who can fuck together, just like old times..

.

Home now. I think I ate too much. It’s okay, it was all yummy vegetables..

 

What I put inside me: acv, fresh lemon turmeric tea, Belcampp beef and pork bone broth, avo and sea salt (all before my flight), banana chips (on my flight), S2’s almonds and walnuts (in the uber ride from BUR to the Santa Monica pad), P’s pistachios and grain free crackers (at the Santa Monica pad); kombucha, hibiscus tea, frisee and warm pear salad, roasted carrots, mushroom crostini, kimchi brussel sprouts, charred cauliflower, jackfruit something entree (over-ordered at Little Pine with O)

 

 

 

Back to my previous two week