Themes: LA Daze, L5 started the fire (in me), who seduced who?, script flipped: I hop in see P for a min and take off, spiritual high, pervette downloads, no appetite, 4-5 hours of sleep, in flow, urgency in my tone, home with mom crocheting pervette swag, Vietnamese seamstress making my silk dresses and lace veils, bday party speech coming to me, prepping for Chinese New Year, helping G turn the tables on her covert narcissist lover, expressing my desire, sexy voice messages, bday invite blast, Vietnamese Daughters documentary, grandma is sick, possible last minute trip to Vietnam, birthday party prep, pervette new homepage, pervette launching soon, army of men coming into my life, building the network, creating a community on Pervette, Thinner Leaner Stronger, hitting the 4 pillars of the perfect day daily, much to do but feel like I can do it all, the longest moon cycle ever, lunar eclipse, sapioporn, soaking-putting your cock inside me and not moving it, Ready Player One pervette inspo, Courtesan Revolution (vision), create my wishlist, what I’m going to do with all these men  who want to spend time with me; now that I found my voice, I’m gonna use it, a force is coming through me, deeply absribed meditative spells, can i record our conversation?, pervette launch momentum builds, parallel process of slowing down to see everything clearly, bday party invite blast out, finally using my podcast equipment, connecting and co-creating with all the men coming into my orbit, making love and art together, i’m in an open relationship with the world, if you slow down, you can see and hear everything more clearly, powerful shifts, channeling what wants to come through, I’m ready to tell you my dream, I’m ready to ask for help, fluctuations of no to voracious appetite, PRF + stem cells,  the art of intimacy, or intimacy as art, I love waiting for you, voice messages = gift,  invite porn stars to the party, how to be in an open relationship with me, guide to becoming the man of my dreams, in pervette we communicate  through dreams, left my notebook in Orange County, must go back, the silk dresses, the lace veils, tantra ceremony

 

 

 

 

News in the background: Fire in Australia, Impeachment process has begun, and something about war with Iran

Sunday, 1.12.20

Santa Monica

 

Woke up too early, before 6, to the sound of the blackout blind hitting the open sliding glass door, I left it open to let the cool air in..

.

When I opened the blinds before the sun came up, there was big full-ish moon hanging over the water against the pink purple sky..

.

I started writing out the treatment for the doc . I wrote until I cried. Think I got something.

.

Help G craft a text to flip the script on her manipulative ex-lover.

The note was positive and not needy.

It was the opposite of what she initially wanted to write to him, to give him an ultimatum that they have to meet for her to return to him his computer.

I explain to her how just in this one positive non-needy cord-cutting text, she will regain her power..

 

I met with M for brunch at Little Prince in Venice at 12:15

.

Interesting how I reached out to O and M to connect over a meal. And O chose Little Pine to have dinner and M chose Little Prince for Brunch. Little P..

.

An hour before I met with M, I felt a spiritual high come over me..like spirits were guiding me..

It was perfect that M was 10 min late, I took that time to meditate amidst the buzzing brunchers.

.

This was our second time meeting. An Asian friend M hadn’t seen in 7 years came up to her. She was funny and sassy, kinda reminds me of Awkwafina, I like her and her big blue emerald ring. She talked about her eggs. I said I’m gonna try to freeze mine soon since I’m turning 38. Their faces both dropped, she thought I was 23.

I was all like you got plenty of time, you’re in your 20’s.., you’re what??

.

She’s gonna give me her egg dr’s info. She works in video games..

.

I caught up with M. She booked her wedding spot (she’s getting married to S, P’s good friend, he’s British, charming as hell and I stuck my (gloved) finger in his ass once, when we were all on acid)

.

I love Hotel Bel Air, it’s my favorite hotel in LA. P and I spent a week  there in the Grace Kelly Suite when we were first going out. I remember us doing acid and staying up till the crack of dawn. I think the bill for our stay was 30K.

.

I told her about the doc I want to make. She suggested I start with making a short and shopping that around. Good idea. She also gave me pointers on how to reach out to Michelle Phan and Levy Tran. And she thinks I should try getting Ali Wong in it.

.

She says if her production co goes on strike in May/June, there’s a good chance she can pitch my doc, since the studio then will be more interested in more low budget productions like documentaries..

.

She teared up when I started talking my experiences with capturing my family’s oral history.

.

After brunch, as I was crossing the street, an old 1940’s truck was making a left turn on a red light heading right towards me. I was wearing these high platform sandals, making it impossible to move fast, so I just froze and watched as this truck veer towards me in what seem like slow-mo. The driver was my age, and looked as though we a greaser from the 50’s. I saw as he struggled to turn his non automatic steering wheel as hard and fast as he can, as if my life depended on it. And it did. And he steered it hard enough in to not crash into me. I just watched as the truck drove past me. Neither of us had time to react. The truck seem to not have any brakes on it. It was Speed, the film. Anyways, I didn’t die. I crossed the street adn got a green juice at Pressed Juicery.

.

When I got back to the apt, I had a chat with G, psychoanalyzing her ex lover’s actions and intentions, I point out how he’s been manipulating her, she gets it now, and the spell he cast on her is broken, she feels empowered.

I told L5 we can start earlier. He says he can pick me up at 4 and be at his place at 4:20.

I said I felt into getting high with him and I think it’s perfect that we’ll get to his place at 4:20

L5 picked me up at 4 to take me to his place in Venice. A charming loft apt with a giant patio. His place was so nicely decorated in this Swedish Bohemian way. He had painting easels set up in the patio. He says he just likes the act of painting and it’s nice to be that guy who stays home and paints.

He started a fire, chipping away at a block of wood with a little ax.

We went inside, up into his loft, it was cute little corner that you can get up to via ladder, and he started another fire. A joint. It’s really good he says.

I haven’t smoked in a while. I coughed, and got off.

.

he taught me a trick. Take 3 sips as you’re coughing and the burn will go away. It worked.

.

He taught me breathwork and we did it together. Your supposed to hold the last two breaths as long as you can. And keep on exhaling it out through your mouth..

.

On my last breath, I went for 5 minutes longer than he did, I kept on having more to exhale. I imagined the last breath, and seeing how long and far I can go as a metaphor for love, how when you think you only have so much, that there’s a limit to how much you can let go of, there’s always more, it’s more than you can imagine..

I found that when I let the exhale come out through crying, there was more to this limitless breath, it’s the cry that makes the longest exhale even longer. It was the combination of the weed and breathwork, but in that exhale, we got close, head to head, mouth to ear, he held me as I cried out the exhale, it was so beautiful.

.

I gave him a massage, nice and deep, in my AP lingerie.

.

He does augmented reality stuff, he thinks we should make a video game together.

Imagine a game that can help you evolve and it became as popular as Pokemon, I said.

That’s really optimistic, he says, I mean Pokemon is just the largest grossing video game ever.

I like the way he makes fun of my ridiculous eternal optimism..

He has a very strong Swedish accent.

.

Funny how he keeps growing on me…

He keeps getting more masculine and sensitive at the same time

.

I fell in love with this little loft space. Every item here has a story behind it.

What’s the story behind that lamp?

Well, not that lamp, that one’s form Amazon.

Oh, what about this lighter?

No, that’s just a lighter.

Oh, I ask because I have a lighter just like that and i have a story behind it.

.

We went downstairs to fall in love with another corner of this cute Venetian abode.

.

In the main room, we got high again.. I pulled out a pair of blindfolds in my bag of toys.. put it on him. And bound his wrists with my red hemp rope..

Then I got on top and teased the fuck out of him. Breasts dangling close to his mouth. It was so fun and hot..

.

Sensory play, with claws and a pinwheel, I’m going light..

.

80% cacao chocolate, Honey Mama’s, blueberries and strawberries, and bone broth, he got everything on my list. We nibbled.

He made some salmon lox on these scandinaivan crackers, I love how Swedish he is.

.

He took pictures of me.

.

He was very kissy and asked if he can kiss my shoulders and cheek. And elsewhere.

.

We moved into the bedroom. Onto the Hasten’s 2000T mattress.

I must’ve been really high. And the chemistry between us is something I haven’t felt in a very long time..

I was so wet, his fingers traveled inside me.

And holy fuck, I can tell that if we were to have sex, it would be epic.

.

But I kept my panties on, even though he wanted to see me naked.

.

Did he lick his fingers? i think he did. I think that’s so hot.

The way he desired me.

The way I kept on falling in love with his nature.

As we got to know each other better.

.

I knew coming in that he had a fascination with me, ever since A2 introduced me to him at Burning Man. He was high then, and he looked so wide-eyed and bewildered when he put two and two together, that I, this “sweet gal” he was talking to was the dominatrix friend A2 was talking about.

I wonder if he he really wanted a BDSM session? Or if that was his way of getting to me though A2?

Because it was A2 who said he wants a bdsm session and I suggested my friend I, who’s half Japanese and white and based in LA. But somehow he wanted to see me..

.

Anyways, he said he was attracted to me ever since he met me. And it shows in the way he showered me with kisses. I love the way he touches me, slowly, gently, and at times firmly.

I would even say he knows how to touch me even better than A.

.

The way I responded shows..I loved it and craved it..

He tells me how amazing my pussy feels, it’s so tight, he can feel me tightening around his fingers. He licks me all over. He’s in love with my pussy.

(I’m glad I stopped bleeding)

At some point I think he placed the very tip of his cock inside me. I slithered away.

.

This session has evolved.. I’m switching. He knowshow to pull my hair with just the right pressure. My back arches in delight.

Oh man, I can go on.. But I won’t.

We arrived at 4:20 and our two hour session ended at 1am.

.

Who seduced who?

Who topped who?

It was all very mutual.

.

For a sapio -demi-sexualal, he got to me.

That breathwork in the beginning, that joint, his senseof humor, his sensitivity, his masculinity, his energy..

.

The way we talked about future projects, creating immersive dinner experiences, sexy VR games..

.

I told him I think he’s very masculine.

He thinks masculinity is responsibility..

.

When I came back to the apt, P was there, in bed, half asleep.

.

Funny how he went back and forth. Not gonna see him, gonna see him, then not, and then not last minute he decided to come back Sunday night, and we catch each other for a night and morning, just like last time..

 

Monday, 1.13.20 9:05pm

Mom’s house, The OC

 

Dear U,

I missed a day of writing to you. As you probably can guess, it was a very eventful day.

..

Right now, I’m on Coffee Meets Bagel. Funny how I don’t reply to potential subs asking for a session over the past few years, but intreresting thoughtful wordsmithed messages via CMB, sure.

I also have an obsession with slightly modifying my CMB profile text..

With my mom, who’s crocheting heart shaped bookmarks for my pervette swag..talking to one of my relatives from Vietnam.

.

I get now how she’s content never leaving the house. She’s extremely social on the phone. Her phone is constantly ringing..

.

Well, I guess part of the reason why so many are calling is because my grandmother is sick..

.

Mom is sending money home, as she ususally does, every month, but more so this time. It was received and divvied up.

.

For a good 1/3 of today, my mind rewound back to last night with L5. Our session was crazy..hot.

We were dangerously close…

So much that I have all this fodder for my fantasies of having incredibly amazing spiritual sex with him.

What joint were we smoking last night? I need that.

.

I have so much to tell you about yesterday.

Even how I almost got hit by a renegade truck. And it was the most serene near fatal accident..

.

But right now I want to stay present for my mom. I love that we’re going over the diffrent flowers and heart she’s crocheting for my pervette bookmarks. Picking the size, color, color combinations, etc..

I’m sneakily recording her crocheting

 

..

 

 

 

CRAZY PERVETTE DOWNLOADS from 10PM-3:33AM

Tuesday, , 1.14.2020

 

What mom gave me: 2 beautiful pomelos she picked from her tree just as we were taking off, 2 pair of black Ralph Lauren socks (as I already packed my socks and needed a pair to wear, take 2, she says), 7 crocheted heart bookmarks.

 

Wednesday, 1.15.20 11:16am

Berkeley, CA

 

Dear U,

I’m kinda masturbating right now. I can do it hands-free with a blanket between my legs and laptop resting on top og the blanket bump.

.

P2 is outside painting the house.

.

Good god, there’s so much to fill you in..

.

I feel incredible, like I’m on some crazy high, and in flow..

I felt the spirit on Monday night, when I was with my mom, she was crocheting for me flower bookmarks for pervette and I changed Cutie’s outfit from her usual pink cape to her new pink and white dress my mom made for her last time..

 

Think I’m gonna focus on coming, then catch you up..

Brb

 

12:39am

I wish I can write to you when I’m on my spiritual high, but I want to be so present in it that I can’t.

.

Today the meditiave spell came over me 5-6 times. It got broken later in thenight.

Was it because I ate food, meat, chicken, soup?

Or because I had to craft 70 text messages blasting out the bday invite, and I have about 70 or 80 more to go.

Phone and meditation does not go together.

Phone and reading a book also doesn’t go together as well.

Conclusion: Less phone..

 

Thursday, 1.16.2020 11:22pm

Berkeley, CA

 

Dear U,

It was a rainy stormy morning when I woke up before the sun rose. Why is it that I’m only sleeping for 3-4  hours? Why does my body want to wake at 7 when I went to bed at 4?

 

I feel like ever since I’ve been in with L5 and learned that he’s an early riser, it’s having some effect on me.

I thought of him when I woke up. It felt so good to come thinking about how he felt, just the tip of him inside me..
And I thought of many other things..
.
And after I cam several times, I sat straight up and naturally my body wanted to do the breather exercise he taught me.
Holy fuck. That was incredible.
I got up, went upstairs, meditated on the biomat.
And I felt the desire to reach out to L5.
I took a chance and tried something new..
I left him a voice recording telling him about my incredible breathwork experience and thanked him for teaching me how to do it..
.
Then ideas flowed for Pervette. What I’m going to say, to be as explicit and clear as possible the objective of Pervette..
.
Parts of my birthday party speech also came to me..
.
L5 replied, saying that he loves hearing my voice in the morning, he says he’s so happy to have introduced breathwork to me and to have had our incredible breathwork experience together, he can’t wait to see me, he wishes it was this Sunday..
.
I replied saying I love the languorous wait and an too looking forward to seeing him.. and I decided to confess that when I woke up this morning and was thinking of him.. “that led me somewhere.. and um *gigggle* after I came was when I had the idea of doing the breathwork exercise, and that could explain why it was such an incredible experience..”
.
He replied with an OMG, wow, that is so sexy… in his Swedish accent. I love how he responds..He thinks a women touching herself is the sexiest thing and me thinking about him as I’m touching myself is turning him on..he’s trying to imagine me in bed, or in the shower or on the sofa..touching myself.. he’s so looking forward to Sunday.. he wants to see me earlier than 4.. he agrees that waiting makes everything more beautiful and better..he says he’s going to try contain himself as he’s trying to accomplish with work so much today..
.
I replied (I’m enjoying these voices messages) giving him some context, I was in bed.. thinking about how good it felt, our time together and fantasizing about how amazing it’ll feel..
.
Wow wow wow, he says…
I can go on, I’m leaving out all the details…
And I’m not gonna tell you the next message, which I feel is prolly my sexiest, maybe I’ll share that recording I made somewhere deep in pervette..
.
I kinda love how I’m sexting with him. I don’t think I’ve done anything like this before..
And I love how I was the one who escalated it..and he rewarded me each time with his exclamations, telling me how turns don he is. making me more bold to take it to the next level
I love that it’s all on audio so I can go back and get off on his voice and mine
And I love how
.
He says feel free to send him any visual content that comes to mind
So I sent him the photo above that S5 took of me last week, on the floor of the moon room.. how perfect it’s me mastrubating as I talk about masturbating to thought of him..
.
So glad it worked out that B was sick today and we couldn’t meet and I got to have this whole day to monkmode, and by monk mode I mean masturbate, write and meditate.
.
I calld P2 and asked him to watch Ready Player One (that book/film came to mind this morning) and time stamp the moments that portrayed the Halliday character as this mythic mastermind behind the Video Game he created. He says he will. Great!
.
I’m so happy it’s a stormy day, makes it so easy to stay in, write furiously, masturbate incessantly, and think of L5..
He’s inspiring me.. I want my intro audio to pervette to be seductive..he’s bringing out that voice in me..
.
I voice message with S3 about my ready player one idea..we exchange a few messages.. he  wants to get more intimate with me.. I said I’m down, let’s make it generative and share our intimate experience on pervette..
.
I worte down all the downloads, sunset walk with Cutie..meditated for an hour, prayed to Guanyin…blasted out a few more bday party texts and replied to many…
Call with K who’s coming into town and wants to train and become a domme and make porn, I said let’s do it, I can train her and we and make porn..
.
Masturbated some more..P2 came over with Mr Sunshine and Teddy Bear and along with Cutie, all 5 of us watched the timestamped reels that he capture of Ready  Player One, which he didn’t enjoy watching, too mainstream blockbustery for him. I’m glad he was the one who spent 2 hours and 20 min watching it for me and giving me the pervette Inspo highlights.. there were a few
He mentioned Cyara Lynch, watched her intro video, also helpful..
.
These highlights are making think  about the subscription model of Pervette. I don’t want to do what everyone else is doing.. tiers.. P2 suggest points people can earn or buy.. good idea…
.
After P2 parted (he listened to my 11 heartbeats and told me it’s strong and fast), P FaceTimed me. I love making him laugh when his ribs hurt, he has the cutest look on his face, as he tries not to laugh…
He likes my the points idea on Pervette..he  asks about how I felt about the call with my sister about the timing of learning the house to see it by April 1st. I said that feels good to me. It  gives me a month, all of March to say goodbye..
I told him I’ll be down in LA for 2 days  next next Sunday  to have a session with L5 and I have Monday still open, and we can hang then. He likes that and thinks it’s funny how the script is flipped, he used to be the one hopping in for a day and taking off and now it’s my turn..
.
H  asks if I wanna go to Cabo with him next week. I said it sounds lovely but I’m really busy. I suggest his latest sugar baby or the other one that I met last year. He says he would just want to go with me or solo and take a bunch of books with him..
.
I can listen to and read my string of sexts with L5 again and again,  my writing is getting sharper with him..
.
I hop on Hushed, my burner app, reply to the tantric Elf King, then get on Coffee Meets Bagel, quickly reply to half a dozen thoughtful messages.. god, I’m on fire..
Then there are all the replies to the birthday party invite..
This wasn’t really a monk mode day, it was vert social and sexy..
.
But at least I got a lot of work done as well…
.
Tomorrow I see S3 and A..
.
I’m gonna try yo go bed earlier than I did last night…
I need more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yet I have all this energy…
.
.
I still gotta catch you  up on my magical Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week.. so much to do…

 

 

Saturday, 1.18.2020 11:11am

 

Dear U,

I finally got more sleep. Almost 7 hours. Last night, after I got back from A’s, I went to sleep at 1:11am on the biomat, got up at 4:44am to go downstairs and slept till 7:57am.

Recorded my dreams, morning pages, recorded the past few days in my concept planner, I meditated for 22 min (hard to concentrate when I think about how A fucked me last night and about how L5 touched me last week), went for a walk in the sun,  came back, did some push-ups, squats with weight, jumped on the aerial silk, not a bad start to the morning.

.

I’m still wearing As underwear from last night. It’s so comfy. I just texted him:

Omg I love your underwear. Where can I get more of these?

.

I’m getting PRP plus stems cells injected into my scalp today. Very exciting. I like experimenting with my body.

.

Speaking of body, I feel slim, clean and clear. I’m more conscious of my consumption since reading Thinner, Leaner, Stronger and it prolly helped that I had sex last night. All of the masturbating snd coming the day before. That counts as “being active.”

.

There’s a fuck ton to do.. I gotta create 5 new pages for the home page of Pervette. Blast out the rest of the bday invites there’s about 100+ more peeps to go.

There’s about 20+ more items on my to do list.

.

I’m very aware that my love life is quite active, at least relative to the past 3 years of monk moding. All of a sudden, there’s a surge of men coming into my life. I see how and why we’re connecting. To realize our dreams.

.

I don’t know how to capture everything. The momentum of Pervette, the downloads I’m receiving, the shifts inside and outside of me, the magical synchronicities, the passion that’s been ignited on all fronts, how P and I are evolving again in our relationship, this interesting new chapter, the question mark of where I will be in a few months, still in this house or somewhere else?

 

Re the house, my feelings change day by day, since yesterday  and S3 (who’s going to sell his house in a few months) saying he thinks a change in housing will be good for me,  and then this past Sunday, L5 says  he’ll miss his Venice home when he moves in a few months but life always  hands you something better, I’m getting closer to letting the house go, I know what’s next will be exactly what I need.

.

I also notice that I’m hopping down to LA/OC more often now. I see more movement and traveling in the future.

.

The downloads I’ve been receiving for Pervette answers my perpetual question re Pervette and my seemingly glacial progress over the past 5 years:

Is it procrastination or diving timing?

It’s the latter.

.

Every download is a more important piece of the pervette puzzle that’s connecting all the little parts that were coming to me over the years. I think I have to create all this content, but really, it’s just one really clear, direct message that I need to pout out there.

 

This is what I’m playing for…

To say it is to bare my soul. And this is what I’ve been working on, (for the past 5 years).. my soul expression..

.

I’m taking a moment to be grateful for the men in my life:

P, A, S3, L5, P2

And 111+ others

.

When I was in Vietnam last, my aunt pulled my cards and says she sees A LOT of men in my life. They’re all helping me..

It’s happening..

.

 

2:57pm

 

Dear U,

I can smell the blood from my scalp. Yep I did it.

.

The doc was Vietnamese and around my age.

You have a lot of hair, she said. Looking at my head of hair, she’s a little baffled as to why I wanted this treatment.

Yeah, it’s been falling out, a lot, I said. (What should I say? that I’m totally neurotic)

You must’ve had a lot of hair before it fell out, she said, as she combs through my hair with her fingers.

Yeah, a lot fell out in high school when I wasn’t eating enough protein and food, in general. I guess the the trauma is still here.

.

She drew my blood. Injected some numbing agent on my scalp.

How does that feel? she asked.

Feels good, I said. I love prickly sensations

Her assistant laughs. I guess it’s not supposed to feel good?

 

After she put my blood in the centrifuge and added it with the stem cells, she injected in my scalp.

Where’d you get the stem cells from? I asked

From a company that gets the stem cells from donated placentas, she said.

Oh I see.

.

Wow. You’re good, she says.

Oh really?

Yeah, most people cuss me out when I do this because it’s so painful.

Oh, yeah, it’s a little painful, but I don’t mind.

.

It reminds me of what A said to me last night, after he fucked me pretty well. H  said  he can’t tell if I’m enjoying it, or if it’s painful, or I’m enjoying the pain.

I said it’s the latter.

You have the highest pain tolerance out of anyone I know.

Oh really?

.

After that was done, I paid half in cash with the money I made from my session with L5. And the rest on credit.

She asked if I spoke Vietnamese. I said.

Were you born in Vietnam.

I was born here, my parents immigrated in 1979. How about you?

I immigrated when  I was 11, in 96.

Oh so went by plane, that must’ve been nicer than boat.

It was terrible, she said. When we got here they put us in the bad part of Oakland in a rat-infested apartment with nothing, not even a mattress.

What?  How long did you stay there?

For several years. Our sponsor was a priest and forced us to go to church every Sunday or else he threatened to deport us. It was bad.

Wow.

We came here because my dad was in the Vietnamese army.

Oh, and he was imprisoned for more than 3 years or sometihng? I asked.

That’s right. she said.

I know about the HO program now since collecting my parent’s oral history

.

Amazing how she worked around, went to medical school and now here she is, injecting PRF stem cells in my head. I think I want to interview her and collect her oral history.

.

I asked her if there are any good Vietnamese temples around here. She  says she doesn’t like the one in Oakland. The one to go to is in Sacramento. They’re nice there, she says. And it has great atmosphere.

.

Sunday, 1.19.20

Sexy voice message with L5.

Masturbate/meditate

P2 paints the house

Mom thinks I’m writing about how sick my clients are when I’m writing about my work. I clarified it for her, I’m trying to draw parallels between what I do in BDSM with Buddhism.

.

I swooped A4 up from Bart and did a podcast interview with him.

A force came through my voice.

 

Monday, 1.20.20 3:35pm

 

 

Dear U,

I’m slipping from my journaling to you, again.

A lot is happening. Or more specifically, I’m doing a lot.

And I realize, as nice as it is to journal to you at night, because that’s the time of day I’m finally free enough to write  at length, it’s actually keeping my up at night, the blue light from the screen (despite wearing blue blockers and having flux on).

.

There are already so many gaps in the journal. I still want to go back to last Monday and fill you in  since then..

.

Where am I now?

In flow…

.

I had a good bizness call with A2. She like the google docs I whipped up for the Domme tea Party and the Breakup Bootcamp session.

.

I also got a chance to tell her that I’m developing feelings for L5.

Background: A2 met L5 last year. He was her Swedish Cutie for a time until he ghosted for a few days which triggered her and now they’re good friends.

I know she doesn’t like the idea of her friends hooking up with guys she’s been with. So I was a little concerned about how she would react to me and my intimacy with L5.

I told her I was devleoping feelings for L5, in a mupp tone..

Awww, that’s so cute! she said.

Phew! I’m glad she found it cute  and funny.

.

 

B came over. We did a podcast interview. I interviewed him, had dinner then meditated and then he interviewed me. Once again, a force of truth came through my voice..

.

 

 

Tuesday, 1.21.20 3:51pm

 

Dear U,

I’m on fire.

Woke up to 50+ text messages, freinds are replying to my bday photo invite last night.

.

I feel called to meditate. It’s very strong.

.

Walk in the woods outside,

My mind is getting more clear on everything i need to do to launch,

 

get clear on my dreams and their call to action

.

Downloads for the speech, for the structure of pervette keep coming in. I  feel this strange ease, clarity, focus and grace even  though the momentum is building.

order of operations get more clear

 

email from the cloudpayment rep. He says we’re near the finish line, I just need a subscription page.

I email S the page of Cyara Lynch’s subscription service and told them to use that as a template.

.

Meditate, masturbate, dropbox the audio from the last two night’s recordings to S3 for him to edit

.

Atsuko Kudo emailed and asked about my kneckles size for the latex red driving gloves.  I should wear these red gloves during my speech.

It’s weird how my mind keeps going towards this speech I’m going to give. It;s the crescendo to this momentum. It all leads up to that point

.

Coaching session with Z. They’re thrilled I’m in flow. COuldn’t think of anything I needed support in.. then it came to me..I need to make a video declaring my vision for pervette and how one can support me.

They suggested I do it with them then and there on our zoom conference call improvised. I did it. And it felt good.

.

The clearest insight: I need to use my voice. It has so much resonance and force coming through it right now..

.

Meeting with Z ended at 3.

Call with CMB tantric elf king (that’s what he calls himself) at 3:03

I told him my co-creation idea. That we should do a podcast interview for our first encounter. This is us capturing the beginning. Who knows, maybe our future selves will thank us for this.

Are you recording this now? he asked. You should be.

I love it.

.

I love our banter. There’s something about someone’s quick wit that turns my mind on.

I love how he brings out a sharp and slightly flirty side of me.

.

He  wants to do the podcast int he hot tub. He was the equipment and hot tub at his place. I do too. He says he can come to me.

We decide on tomorrow, since I’ll be in LA soon after.

.

Maybe I’ll make some ceremonial chia pudding for us, he said.

Maybe I’ll make some ceremonial chocolate maca bars for us, I said.

Ooo.

(Was there a touch of irony in our tone? I didn’t hear it. We sound so ridiculous).

He plays the french horn.

He says his specialty is inspiring people to get in touch with their inner musician.

That’s exactly what I want.

.

He says  his pet word is co-creation.

Mine too.

.

I run errands: dispensary to get some Jack Herer and chocolate edibles for the pornflix and chill session tomorrow; Monterey Market to load up on fruits for Chinese New Year.

Came back around 5:40 to meditate with the guru remotely, I was in  a  very deeply absorbed state.

Then w ent back out to get a ton of flowers for the house (for CHinese New Year)

Orchids, mums, daisies, tulips, pussy  willows, hyacinth, and a jade plant.

I did good.

Came home, arranged the flowers in 14 vases..

Meditated. The spells are coming over me. This time I felt the shakti tingling through my body..

Made the ceremonial chocolate maca bars with 27 ingredients

Tidied up  the house.. for tomorrow..

.

I’m still on a very spiritual high. It feels incredible. Like I’m developing some sort of superpower: laser focus and clarity

.

Facetime P, he says sadly he can’t pick me up form the airport Sunday morning, because he’s gonna be flying out that morning to Tulum, and he’s taking one of his sugarbabies. I’m glad he is. Because it would’ve been weird to spend the whole day with L5 with P around.

And now I have all of Monday to connect with LA peeps..

.

I figure that this was the perfect time to tell P that I told A2 that I’m developing some feelings for L5 and she was cool about it.

We had a very heart-opening start to our session with this breathwork exercise, I said.

P was curious, so did you guys hook up?

No. It was lots of tease and denial, sensual domination and a ton of body worship, I said.

I like how these terms make it sound so professional.

I ‘m glad I got to tell P what was up. It’s all about timing..

I also told him I’m connecting with interesting people on Coffee Meets Bagel. I’m in expansive network mode.

He thinks that’s cool.

I  can tell he knows he’s suppose dot be happy for me.  I  rthink he is. But I  also think a part of him wonders how will this unfold?

Wednesday, 1.22.2020

Skinematic session with J.

We had some cannabis chocolate and he showed me pornhub..

My first time really watching porn..

 

SO INSPIRING..

.

I see every porn category through the lens of Pervette.

.

I learned quite a bit: plumbing shot, behind the green door, porn was actually film back in the day, nuru  massage, categories, kim kardashian sex tape, X art, how the famous porn stars got famous, they’re actually enjoying it, double dildo janine lindemeuller, jenna jameson, Gonzo-talk to camera, dr. cum control, ifeelmyself.com

.

Then I gave J my version of a nuru massage..A dommassage..

.

 

After J left, with blue balls..

.

 

M6 came over. It was our first meeting. We did a podcast interview. He brought farm fresh vegetables.. he made me his veggie stirfry..

The was we were with each other. It was so fluid..

Do you believe in past lives? he asked.

I do. I said.

.

It was after I gave him a massage that we both felt like we had come home to each other..

It’s the craziest feeling, to feel what is known.

It was almost 1am when had left.

.

A had called earlier wanting to say hi..

.

 

 

Thursday, 1.23.2020

My sexy messages with L5 are escalating.

Right after I sent him a message of me coming..

P Facetimes. He misses me. He loves our crazy wacky love.

.

I feel a meditative spell.

I  record “What is Pervette”

It’s an emotional and vulnerable piece.

 

All these voice messages with L5 and podcast interviews are pointing me int he direction of putting my voice oit there in pervette.

.

I feel a wave of electricity from my time with M6 and J yesterday and all the insights I’ve been receiving..

.

After 3 sotne hearth and farmer’s market, I cam home with this jolt of energy. I was in some dionysian pleasure dance trance. And parts of the pervette bday speech was coming to me.. I was howling by the end..

.

It was so crazy intense, the downloads, all pleasurable, but still so intense..

.

I worked on the pervette levels..

I felt a tingly sensation in my head..

I laid on the slantboard and fell asleep early..

Friday, 1.24.2020 12:16pm

 

Dear U,

I just changed my undies because I was gushing. It was one of those mornings. I must’ve came 11 times, right by the open glass door in the moon room.

I don’t see P2 but he’s outside somewhere painting the house.

.

I woke up this morning remembering my vivid dream, where I was chatting with a young Jodie Foster as if she was like anybody else. I was making out with some male celebrity, I felt his lips so lusciously in this dream. it was another male celebrity (simon rex?) who kinda guided the other male celebrity’s head towards mine.

We were in some apt in the ghetto. Gunfire in the background. Didn’t matter, the kissing was hot.

 

The semi-conscious message to me when I woke up: read Rumi.

.

L5 didn’t leave me a message when I checked the phone, but M6 did.

He was in the bathtub when he was recording me the message.

So weird, because L5 left me 3 messages while in the bathtub.

What’s up with all these sweet sensual boys recording messages to me while taking a bath?

I love the sound of the water subtly splashing int he background.

.

All of these voice recordings are inspiring the fuck out of me with Pervette. Literally.

.

I love how all of this is happening at once. The influx of intimacy, new lovers, right at this point in time as I’m launching the world’s most intimate website..

Every gesture of love and sex towards L5 (and now M6) is translated into Pervette.

.

I had an idea come to me on how I’m going to catch up on all my days in my journals with you. Through audio…

.

I left a voice mesage for L5, reading Rumi while playing with myself..

.

P facetimes. He says he misses me. And he’s really looking forward to seeing me. He’s trying to process what it all means to him that I’m developing feelings for L5.

He said we haven’t really spent any time with each other since Bali during Thanksgiving. Which is true. We’ve only spent less then 24 hours with each other at a time, 3 times since Thanksgiving.

Which feels like the right amount of time, to me.

He wants to come straight from Tulum to the Bay Monday to help me set up for the party. I told him I think I got it, if he wants to come in later like Wed, that’s cool with me. He said it would be nice to connect with other friends here, anyways.

Funny how the tables have turned. I remember during his startup days 5 years ago, I would think about how little time we spent together while he was focused on building his cannabis company and now I just think time with P is time away form Pervette.

.

I record one or two audio pervette musings.

I thought I was gonna get a lot of work done on Pervette today.

Instead I took it kinda slow today.

 

I went for a walk in the woods. Me and this coyote stared at each other for 10 min.

Mediated with the guru remotely.

Made  a veggie stirfry..

Laid on the slantobaord and listened to another audio lecture from my Jhanas online course and fell asleep..

 

 

 

 

Saturday, 1.25.2020 8:14pm

 

Dear U,

Chuc Mung Nam Moi!

That’s Happy New Year in Vietnamese..

It’s been quite a day.

I woke up at 6 before the sun rose. I thought I was gonna get straight to work on Pervette. Instead I laid in bed, thought of L5, left him a message telling him how I’m thinking of him as I touch myself..

I tell him that I’m thinking about his cock and how good he’s been not coming for me (it’s been 4 days). I guess I was teasing him.

I came..

I love his replies..

He tells me how turned on he is.. and how hard he is and 4 exchanges later, I received my first dick pic and it was glorious this giant hard cock. I never thought I would enjoy a dick pic until today..

.

Fuck. 2 hours later and 4 orgasms later it’s 8am.

.

I send Levy Tran my long missive to her via IG. Proposing the Vietnamese Daughters doc and me interviewing her for my podcast. Here goes nothing.

.

Cutie and I stepped out of the house. Took in the fresh air. I looked at the house that P2 had finished painting this past week.

 

As we stepped up to the front door, I felt a deep sense of equanimity..

.

I zipped to the dungeon, I arrived at 11:03. My session was at 11:00. Thank goodness, J, was late and he rung at 11:04. I picke dup and told him to come back at 11:11

.

P2 had set up the dungeon for me. We chatted as I quickly got into my session outfit.

.

J brought me mandarins, grapefruits, an orchid, 2 bars 100% cacao dark chocolate, and 2 bottles of wine, called The Prisoner another called Pool Boy. It was the perfect gift for Chinese New Year.

He also gave mr 500 to subscribe to Pervette’s deeper levels.

I got my first subscriber even with my mock subscription levels up.

.

We had an incredible session. I felt like I was on Molly. Maybe it was all the coming I had done earlier int he morning, but I was really in the mood to tease and play with J. Visions of making porn at my bday party came to me..

.

Met with S3 in Oakland, we went to the temple where my sister and her friend/ex, W,  were at. I haven’t seen W in years. Last time I talked to him was 5 years ago when I was trying to convince him to talk somse sense into my sister when she as outing me. He was on her side and said what  I was doing was some pretty depraved shit..

I like how we were both happy to see each other. I have my sister the dresses she got altered and I had picked up for her from the OC.

We exchanged red envelopes. I gave one to W and S3 as well.

.

Incense lit, prayers said.

 

.

S3 and I came back to the house to come up with new names for the Pervette levels..

Voyeur

Player

Motherfucker

Author

Lover

.

We struggled with the middle level. I joked and said it should be Motherfucker, we had  a good laugh about it, so much that we think we should go with it.

.

We  did  a podcast.

.

I drove us back to his house, where he was surprised to find all his friends wishing him a surprise Happy Birthday.

It worked.

J and I had planned the surprise bday dinner for him J did all the work, I just created a reason for him to be out of the house.

.

I meditated upstairs while everyone was eating dinner.

.

Got back early enough to pack for my trip to LA/OC..

.

Sunday, 1.26.2020

Santa Monica and Venice

 

I flew down to Burbank.

L5 picked me up and took me to his place..

I feel like I’m in a Eric Rohmer or some french new wave film at his place. There’s a European Bohemian vibe to it that feels like home.

.

He started a fire, again..

We smoked, did breathwork, again..

He took pictures of me with a polaroid..

They were erotic..

.

Outside

He helped me work on my vision, mission and why

And the “I love what I do”

He took what I want and reworded it so it’s not something I want to do but what I’m doing now.

.

He made dinner. It was lovely. Perfectly cooked salmon, mashed potatoes and mushrooms..

.

All in between, the cooking and smoking, he was eating me out…

.

The Theme:

You’re right.

Lick me clean.

(That’s what he likes to hear from me)

.

Was it his idea to have my pee on him? I sat on his cock and peed. It felt amazing, with my pussy against his cock. the warm piss created the tingly sensation against my clit.

That was a first for him.

.

He said he could read my mind.

Anal Sex

he joked.

.

I used my iphone and recorded him cooking, then I walked around his place capturing its essence in the magic hour. He was leaving this place he called home at the end of March. These videos are exactly what I wanted for myself when I leave my home at the end of March..

 

I love the way he licked all my fingers clean after they got all chocolatey from the maca bars or juicy form the fruit.

I love the way he licked my pussy clean.

.

What? Kobe Bryant died?

.

 

He has this old giant Agent Provocateur print he got from the flea market of Paz de la Heurta wearing the pink bra and panties set from many seasons ago, that I actually own and had never worn.

So I wore that outfit for the first time, and surprised him with it.

“What you see before you is what you see almost every day.”

He didn’t solve the riddle because he didn’t recognize it was the same outfit until I pointed it out to him.

It felt like I had bought that outfit 6 years ago just for him..

.

I love  the smell of these flowers, he said,  I don’t know what they’re called.

I do. They are what we are. I said.

( I was in a riddly mood)

He couldn’t guess.

I gave him another clue. They’re part of the title of one of Herman Hesse’s novels.

For some reason, that wasn’t a very helpful clue for him.

They’re narcissus.

.

Maybe A2 primed me for this when I told her last week that I’m developing feelings for L5.

She said that she’s not gonna introduce him to P4, her bf, at my bday party, just cause she was concerned about the possible friction between them. She said that one of P4’s friends hung out with L5, based on A2’s intro and had a very bad experience with him. She thought he was a total narcissist.

Oh really?

.

And all of today, I started seeing him though that lens.

.

I love you.

What does that mean?

It means..

.

By the time we got done with the electro play, L5 was zapped.

It was 10:30ish..

.

I want you to rape me so badly, I can wait forever.

I said with gold handcuffs on.

.

That line woke him up.

.

Soaking is a slippery slope

to having unprotected sex.

As I’ve learned now from my time with

A and L5.

.

 

 

Monday, 1.27.2020 2.22.20

Santa Monica

 

Dear U,

It’s the day after the deed was done, and I’m still in a daze.

Could be all the cannabis I smoked with L5.

It could be that we’ve fluidly bonded. I mean I did piss on him. And much more.

Could be that I’m realizing that I’m dealing with a narcissist (like myself) and I don’t want to get to carried away by his charms.

But at the same time, it feels slightly good to get carried away.

But fuck, I got work to do. Like a ton.

It’s a weird feeling. Like I’m seeing the situation more clearly,  I can see him more clearly, which I love. Whenever I’m in a love haze with someone, I always wonder what are their flaws?  They can’t be perfect. And in a way yesterday, I think we both allowed each other to be more imperfect.

L5 could tell that I was being judgy about him. I could obviously see that he’s quite into himself. I could see how we could only be with each other for so long before we drove each other crazy.

He’s so fucking alpha and dominant and..jesus, to like him is to like myself, and that makes me feel narcissistic just thinking about that.

It’s like I see my narcissism in him. And I’m very aware that other narcissists can annoy me because they’re so into themselves, therefore they’re not that really into me, as much as I want them to, because they’re more into themselves than anybody else.

 

And to think I thought I transcended my narcissism in these past few years of self-work.

I mean I am creating a website for people to fall in love with me and get obsessed with me.

Yeah I totally transcended myself..

.

But this is good for the story I want to write about myself. It’s the story of a covert narcissist trying to dissolve their ego.

There I go again, justifying my narcissism, fitting everything into the story I want to tell.

The story I want to tell? Doesn’t that sound narcissistic as well?

.

I think what’s really go on is beyond my judgment of L5, but more a judgment of myself. I think I just saw myself more clearly.

.

I mean I think I’m a boddhisattva.

I mean does anything sound more ironically narcissistic than that?

 

.

P called early this morning. He’s in Tulum with his other sugarbaby, whom I met last year and liked.

.

He asked how it was hanging out with L5 for the second time. What did I think. I realize he’s experiencing some jealousy and is trying to play it cool.

I told him it was fun but I am realizing that L5 is a narcissist. That made P laugh, and happy to hear. Maybe he can tell that my image of L5 is slightly shattered by his imperfection.

.

Me, A, L5, what’s up with these alpha narcissistic men in your life?

I know, I know, I guess I find them incredibly attractive or something.

.

P says he was feeling kinda down until he called me and now he’s all better. His ribs are still hurting and traveling isn’t making it any better. He’s feeling like Tulum maybe wasn’t the right call. But he was just feeling antsy.

.

I think a part of him is trying to reconcile the fact that I have a new paramour.

.

Did you guys hook up?

Yeah, we did. And it was good and…

(this is where I should’ve said “and we had unprotected sex” but I didn’t, yet)

.

We talked for 46 min about our narcissism, which explains why we can’t live together. And P reflects on how crazy and wacky our relationship is.

He likes thinking about the bday party coming up and how we’re inviting all our lovers to it.

.

P said I should check out the new Erewhon in the Pacific Palisades.  It’s in a very frou fou outdoor mall

.

So I did. He was right. It  was very frou frou. Like Walnut Creek, Newport Beach frou frou.

.

I woke up this morning with a thought: I cannot get pregnant. So I googled anti pregnancy herbal (deja bu to Bali Nov 2019).

I need Queen Anne’s Lace, Smartweed, Dong Quai, Blue Cohosh…

.

I got the pre cut payaya, tons of ginger shots, supposedly that’s anti-fertility.

.

They didn’t have the herbs I needed. But i did managage to spend 170 on 100%cacao dark chocolate, maca, cacao powder, royal jelly, ginger, papaya, coconut yogurt, 5 different types of salad at the food bar. I also got my $20 cup of bone broth. It made the $25 parking ticket I got for an expired meter seem like nothing when I came out and apparently spent like than 57 min there. That’s like a cup of bone broth, not bad.

.

Oh wait, it’s two tickets, one is 25 for the lack of front license plate and 63 for the expired meter. Hmm I see..

.

The woman at Erewhon helping me suggest I go to Pharmaca across the street for my lesser known herbs. So I did. The chatty woman at Pharmaca pointed me tot he Blue Cohosh. I told her what was up, I’m trying not to get pregnant.

She says one thing you want to avoid is Maca, that helps with fertility.

What??!!

I mean I just made a platter of maca bars for me and L5 and we are ALL of it yesterday, to the point where we were stuffed with it, and then in the morning before my flight, I made myself a hot power drink with extra maca in it.

Jesus fuck.

.

Interesting how G called and I picked up and she needed to talk since she just learned that her narcissistic ex lover is dating someone, which can explain why  he went radio silent on her for the past 3 months. She learned that from a close friend who seems to know about this for quite some time and didn’t tell her until he really had to..

She also learned that she got chlamydia.

.

I told her that this is all good to know, even though it hurts.

.

In the hot tub night of Jan 3rd, she said her new  year’s goal was to have friends she can trust. Since then she’s learning that she can’t trust any of her close friends..

You’re just making space for the friends you can trust to come into your life, I tell her.

.

And chlamydia is like the best sti you can get. It goes away with antibiotics, I assure her as she’s feeling some shame around it.

.

The theme of the day/week: narcissists

 

9:51pm

 

Dear U,

Well, the day took an unexpected turn..

.

After writing to you, I went for a walk along the beach boardwalk around 4. L5 called as I was turning back.

He got my message that I wanted to chat about our unprotected sex.

We both talked about how exhausted we are. That was a long day yesterday..he  can’t remember the last time he was with someone for such an extended period of time.

We covered my first concern, that I don’t want to get pregnant because according to the fertility apps, I’m fertile right now and even though he didn’t come inside me, there might be pre-ejaculate. I mean I did have him not come for 5 days.

He asks what I think is the best course of action, the morning after pill?

I said I’m just gonna go down the homeopathic route.

(I had some ginger shots, ate a ton of papaya, had some blue cohosh tincture, took some dong quai pills.)

.

I told him that I was tempted to tell him last night as we were having unprotected sex that he can come in my ass. That way I won’t get pregnant.

Now you tell me, he says. I can hear him smiling through the line.

Now moving on to the STI part, he got tested on Jan 4th and was clean. He did have unprotected sex with a friend last weekend, someone he’s been hooking up with for the past 5 years.  She got tested Dec 15th, and is supposedly clean.

Good to know.

Interesting to know that he hooked up with someone last weekend. I like how I can go back and piece this into the picture of last week in the midst of our sexting. I find him hotter now, even though I feel just the most subtle slightest pang. Or maybe that’s I find him more attractive. It’s all these feelings he makes me feel. The more I feel, the more I desire to feel more.

.

He had moved his flight last night to tonight so that he can have a full day/night with me. He’s taking off for NY tonight at 11.

I wished him a good trip.

.

As i was walking towards Dragon Herbs, thinking about texting Z to let  her know I can’t make it to Eagle Rock tonight, L called. He asked what I was doing tonight. I said nothing. He said If I wanted to come over and just hang with him for a few hours before he takes off, that would be lovely. He says it’ll be very low key, he was just planning on making dinner form the leftovers of last night and watching some basketball. I said that sounds really nice and I can be there in 35..

.

So I got ready pretty quickly. Enema and all. Just in case we go there. I  ubered over to his place, which was a 9 min ride from Santa Monica to Venice

.

It was nice to be welcomed with a hug and kiss. He was making dinner. I brought some ginger and lemon to make some anti pregnancy tea for us.

.

I’m glad we got to connect again. Now I can get my pyrex dish from him, the one that I use all the time to make my maca bars. And I can give him the videos I made yesterday of him cooking, living in this special home of his. It’s the perfect way to memoriialize this space before he leaves it the end of March. It’s the video I wished someone would make for me before I leave my house at the end of March..

.

I got to airdrop all 20 or so videos. Including the one where he was eating me out to some jazz music in the background. So perfect.

.

We cuddled on the sofa, he touched me gently, as the Mavericks played the Thunders in the background.

Then we moved to the room..

.

I can’t describe everything that happened. It was mostly all recorded..

But it was perfect. The way he found all these positions to lay next to me while licking me.

The way he had his cock slide along my pussy.

The way it slipped in, as if it was the naughtiest thing. And how I didn’t want to not have unprotected sex with him (because that’s not the story I want to tell P) but I really wanted to..

.

Then we chatted. He asked about my childhood. I shared with him a little bit about my upbringing. How for a time my mom didn’t us to call her mom in front of her friends.

He had the opposite experience. Since his mom was lick and only left the house 5 times in all his 19 years with her, he got to spend so much time with her, which he cherished..

.

I asked how old he was. I assumed he was my age. He said he was 31. Holy fuck. He feels much older than a 31 year old. Career-wise, he’s accomplished quite a bit for a 31 year old. And the way I feel around him, he feels like my age of not a year older.

He asked on a scale of 1 to 10, of self awareness, where do I think I am. I said I think I’m a 9.

He says I’m a 7.

I gasped.

He say he takes it back, more like a 6, since I’m so reactive to him evaluating me.

.

He says judgment is not a bad thing, we have to make judgments.

I said I think he means theories, not judgments.

I said I think judgments take you out of the moment, because you’re in your head judging the moment.

I scratched his back as I looked up these words that he wanted me to (he’s Swedish, moved here when he was 19) judgments, opinions, feelings..

.

Then how are you supposed to be when you meet someone or something new? he asks.

You can be empathetic, curious and compassionate. I said.

.

As I’m writing it now. I see it now..

He thinks I have issues that I haven’t resolved from my mom not letting me call her mom.

But I don’t

He  has judgments about her.

I don’t.

I understand why she did what she did.

When you understand someone, you don’t judge them.

You only judge what you don’t know..

.

Now I’m writing out some insights in my notebook.

 

.

I tohught I was gonna get a ton of work done on pervette today. But the work is happening in a  different way.  I’m working onmyself.

I’m letting L5 in, getting intimate with him is making me see myself… the more reflective I get, the more i can share with you what i know…about intimacy..

.

G calls me again. She’s  unraveling from the news, from this narcissist. She asks me what she should do.

I said write.. write it all out.. everything you’re feeling… so you can know what you think..

.

She also thought she’s not being professional with her boss by  revealing too much of her personal life with them. She asks me what show would do about that.

I told her to become more  aware of the conversation. And ask herself, is what she’s saying adding to the conversation or is it her just being stuck in a loop in her mind and unconsciously trying to work it through with others around  her.

.

I stayed up till 2:30am, thinking about the conversation L5 and I had in bed in between sessions of him licking and kissing me, and touching me, and grazing his cock along me and inside me..

.

I sent him 5 voice mails, thinking out loud.. the antithetical relationship judgment and understanding.

I thought I was exhausted earlier, but our conversation got my head spinning…feels like it can feed into the pervette manifesto.

.

 

Tuesday, 1.28.2020 9:25pm

Orange County

 

Dear U,

I woke up this morning at 9:30 or so, I think. I went slow..

I recorded myself saying out loud my vision, mission, and the why of Pervette..

I kept on saying it over and over until I memorized it. It felt so good to say it. I have  to hand it to L5, there’s something about the precise nature of his wording.

.

Then I started packing up the mupp explosion. Everywhere I go, I know how to muppet up a place, this time it’s with my podcast gear, Erewhon snacks, kicky toys and lingerie..

.

I left Santa Monica. Got an Uber down to the OC.

.

Per my conversation with the uber driver last night and his request to give my mom a big hug (when I still can),  I gave my mom a big hug when I saw her even though hugging doesn’t come naturally to her..

I saw the peach blossom branches I got for her. They were in full yellow bloom and in its way   became the centerpiece of the house as I entered. Mom was very pleased that I got out my phone out  and started filming all the flowers she got for the house. She did a good job of tidying up the house and making it pristine for the lunar new year. It’s as though my documenting validated and celebrated all her hard work.

.

She said she doesn’t know what to do if Grandma gets really sick, she’s afraid to fly now that there’s that virus outbreak.

What virus? I asked.

She was shocked, have you not been following the news?

She filled me in on the corona virus. Apparently it’s pretty bad.

.

I had my coaching call with Z. They helped me think through what I need to do re making my offerings known/available. I got so wrapped up in the new front page/community building part of pervette that I kinda forgot about the financial part, of trying to make money to support myself during this time of waiting for the credit card processing application to get approved.

.

P Facetimed me from Tulum. I told him there’s so much to discuss.

The first thing I wanted to tell him was that i had unprotected sex with L5.

He just smiled and laughed at me.

Oh you, you’re such a slutmupp,  I think that’s what he said. He was surprisingly more chill about it than I anticipated.

He said he’s been thinking about wanting to have unprotected sex with his new sugarbaby.

Yeah, fuck condoms, can’t stand that shit, I said, kinda jokingly, but not really. I hope we can break this protected sex rule. Because I really want to have unprotected sex with A and L5.

.

His sugarbaby , C, was coming out of the shower, I said Hi to her over Facetime and we both were excited to see each other next week at the bday party. We talked about our Vietnamesey family’s Chinese New Year supersittions..

I love how open this relationship is.

.

 

Mom got ready pretty late and we left the house around 5 to the seamstress’ place around 5 to pick up t he 50 lace veils and the 4 dresses I got made. Funny how by the time mom gets ready and leaves the house, it’s always around the time people are getting off work. My sense of time and the flow of day and productivity feels so strangely nonexistent around her. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t go to work.

.

The seamstress was still working on the tassels of my silk dresses when we got there. I tried on the silk dresses she made. She did a great job of replicating my gold dress and modifying it so it fits me even better than the original dress.

She did a great job with the organza material.

And the lace veils look pretty good. My only silent complaint is she picked out a black ribbon that has the words “bisou” printed on it, which looks kinda tacky, but I can easily replace that myself.

.

While she worked on the tassels, her and my mom gossiped about my stepdad’s daughter, who’s sort a very minor celebrity in the Vietnamese community. They shake their heads over her distasteful youtube channel. She’s a vehement Trump supporter and goes on these rants talking down on anyone in the Vietnamese community who speaks ill of his policy, even the deportation policy.

.

They show me how latest youtube video of her going to the temple on Chinese New Year wearing her traditional Ao Dai Vietnamese dress and donning a gas mask, with commentary on the Corona Virus in the OC.

She’s trying to be sensational, they say, but she looks ridiculous.

.

An hour later, she’s done with the tassels, I pay her 575 for 50 lace veils and 4 dresses. Not bad.

.

We got home and mom heated up all the food she made her Chinese New Year. The traditional thit ko, caramelized pork ribs and egg she made was yummy. I haven’t had it in years. She also made some cabbage consomme soup and cut up some cucumbers and cha lua. It was so nice eating her home cooked food, it’s rare that she cooks. It’s only on New Years that she makes this particular meal. I haven’t been home on or near Chinese New Year in years, what a lovely treat. Mom was very excited to share with me the recipe. She asks if I want to take some of the thit ko back with me home. She already portioned some out in the tupperware and froze them.

.

A meditative spell came over me earlier in the evening. I feel this deep tranquility being home with my mom. I like dropping in every two weeks as I have this year so far. I can tell she likes having me around.

.

I just busted out my podcast gear. I’m gonna see if she’s open to having me collect her oral history.

.

On the car ride back, I asked her to translate for the words oral history for me. it was my way of priming her for it..

.

 

Wednesday, 1.29.2020

 

Went into the garden with mom to pick the last guavas of the season.

She peels and dices pomelos and guavas from the garden for me.

.

She slept on her right arm funny and it’s been sore for a few days. I offered to massage it, she said it’s okay, she can do it herself. I took initiative and said I want to. So he pointed me to the cream and I got to massage the knot on her arm.

.

I ate more of her thit ko (caramelized pork). I know it’s not grass-fed or finished. But it didn’t matter. I see things and acts as symbols. This was her love. I’m receiving.

.

As she was peeling the pomelos foe me she waxed regretful for not buying a house in the Bay Area in 2011. In that way I would have a home of my own right now.

Why did he buy this house here in Yorba Linda when we shoulda bought one up there? she asked.

Because L7 (my sister) was living down here at the time, and you didn’t want her to sublet, remember? I reminded her,

I wish I planned it better.

It’s okay, you didn’t know. I said. I didn’t feel like recapitulating to  her the sequence of events, how I saw it, how everything unfolded in the way that it should be, even until now.

.

In the last hour, I got mom to sit at the kitchen island with me and talk to the serious looking podcast microphones. I begin to ask her questions about the time when she was born and about 1975. At first she was trying to give me the historical context, thinking that’s what i wanted. I then shifted asking her what did it feel like, where was she when she found out the war was over, when the south gave in, when they lost the country they knew..

.

Collecting stories, piecing together history is connection is magic.

.

It was 3:40 when I had to stop the interview. My flight was at 5:30.

.

I got an Uber and dashed off. At JSX, I learned that S3’s bday heart opening ceremony that was scheduled for tonight was postponed. I was quite happy to learn that. It felt too squishy to run from airport to S3’s to do M at 9:30pm and go until early morning.

That would’ve wrecked my focus for all of Thursday.

.

Time is absolutrly of the essense right now.

.

I meditated with the guru remotely on the flight back, which was tricky because I wanted to open my eyes and catch the sunset blu red and orange outside my window.

.

P2 picked me and Cutie up. How did I manage to come back with more luggage than when I left?

The pomelos and cara  cara’s mom gave me from her garden. ANd the last best guava from her garden, she gave to me.

The Hasten’s slippers and booties that L5 gave me.

The maca, and cacao powder I got at Erewhon.

The silk dresses and 50 lace veils

That on top of the crazy heavy podcast gear..

.

That’s  how I have 70 pounds of luggage with me for a 3.5 day trip.

.

P2 and I caught up in the car ride. I told him about L5 and the narcissism I see in him and myself.

.

He said he saw a  new domme this past week and she’s a self-identified raging narcissist.

.

Maybe we all are narcissists to some degree, hard not to be in the day and age of the selfie and social media..

.

Actually every Domme is a narcissist, come to think of it..

.

What happened to A? P2 asked. You don’t talk about him in your journal anymore that there’s L5.

Oh right. I’m going to see him tomorrow.

.

 

P2 had watered my plants, taken out the trash when I was away.

He gave me a book he was going to give me for my bday  but it was too used and tattered so he’s giving it to me sooner..

The DInner Party: A Symbol of our Heritage by Judy Chicago.

I flipped through it. Whoa. Pervette inspo. It’s perfect that he’s giving it to me now..

.

After P2 left,

I replied to L5’s texts, he saw the videos I made and loved them..He has an important week ahead with some lawsuit and a Swedish childhood friend is visiting him. I can tell he’s priming me for the upcoming silence, which I happily welcome. I don’t have time to send sexy voice messages to him. I need to focus so  hard right now..

I’ll see him next at my bday party, he asks for a good nearby hotel rec. I suggested The Claremont.

.

I then went to Party Oasis.com and ordered about a hundred masquerade masks.

.

I listened to the Jhanas course.

The topic was on common pitfalls in Jhanas practice.

One of them is the use of drugs.

Another is practicing to chase a spiritual high.

.

I’m guilty of both.

.

I fell asleep early at 11:44ish

Thursday, 1.30.2020

 

Dear U,

It’s nice to be back. I got a good 8 hours of sleep. woke up to my routine. Meditation, masturbation, walk/run in the woods. I wrote another post for the Timely page. I have this thing where I can’t seem to finalize and finish my writing.. There’s two undone posts. I feel like Pervette really captures my ADHD tendencies.

.

I decided I shoud post something on social media. I’ve been absent for 2 or 3 weeks now. I can postpone it till next week. But I shouldn’t. I can’t stand how much time it takes for me to post something. The perfectionist in me doesn’t compute well with IG and esp Twitter. SInce you can’t edit what you tweet. It’s too ultimate.

.

I posted my bday invites form the last 3 years. Then I spontaneously decided to write in the caption, that if you’re  a pervy SW and wanna come join the party, reach out to me through Pervette.

It felt like I was guided to add that to the end.

.

That was a great idea. Because some really awesome dommes contacted me through Pervette.

.

I went for a quick magic hour walk. Meditated with the guru  remotely from 5:30p6. Made a kale salad. Spoke to a potential sub that I met through CMB. He stutters a little. He was sweet to Vnemo me a tribute just for fun.

I told him I haven’t taken on  a new client in a while. I’m happy to break out of my sabbatical with him.

My rate coming back into the scene is 700/hr. Feels good.
I can’t wait to raise it to 1111/hr. Maybe by the end of the year, I’ll feel ready to.

How a SW values her time is directly correlated to  her rate.

Maybe it should be 1111 now.

.

How many times will I give myself an enema, just in case we go there?

Better safe than sorry.

.

I shower. Get ready. Head over to A’s. Arrive at 8:44pm.

.

He was layingon the ground when I came in. Shirtless. His body looks even more defined since I saw him last. He had cut his hair short. God, he’s so handsome, it’s insane.

I’ve been so wrapped up with my new fling, L5, I’ve forgotten how amazing it is to be in the presence of A. He’s so grounded, centered and balanced. I love his energy.

.

I brought for him a cara cara and pomelo form my mom’s garden. It’s some strange ritual I developed for the past 5 years. I always bring fruit to A when I see him. He loves fruit. I feel like it’s a ritual carried over from a past life.

.

It’s been 2 weeks since we’ve seen each other. I like how it was he who had asked me what my schedule was like last Saturday. In my mind I guess I’m still keeping track of who wants who more.

.

We caught up. He tore out his kitchen countertop and put in a new one all by himself. He;s been surfing, hence his chiseled body. He’s so fucking manly, I  love it.

.

I tell him that “I want to take responsibility and tell you that I had unprotected sex this past Sunday.”

Somehow when you add “I want to take responsibility” to any confession, it just elevates the confession to a level of high integrity.

I told him L5  got tested on Jan 4th and is clean, the girl he hooked up with got tested on Dec 15th and is clean. Somehow being able to dispense all this info makes everything so much better.

A was happy to hear all that. I told him that I told P about it too. And he wa very cool about it.

Did you tell him about our unprotected sex? A asked.

Umm, no. I said. (SO much for my high integrity)

So it’s a half truth. he says, I’m totally okay with that.

I already told him we had unprotected sex like last year. Can’t it just carry over? I justify.

Ou unprotected sex felt so good, A said.

I know..

.

 

Besides I feel like I should full sovereignty over my body, it’s not like P and I have sex that often that it even matters who I have unprotected sex with. I’m gonna have a talk with him about that.

I push boundaries without even trying.

.

 

.

 

 

What are all the different types of kisses? He asks. And we enumerate and demonstrate. There’s the short peck.

The long peck.

The French  Kiss

The Deep South?

And there’s the Teeth Cleaner. A demonstrated. I realize he’s joking.

.

He pulls my tank so that my breast slips out and he touches it. He says he loves my body, my perfect breasts, my flat tummy, my thighs. I’m glad he;s saying all this bc I feel like I’ve overeaten in the the past 2 days and I wish I was slighter in frame.

.

I deep throated A. I made it all the way down to th e base of his cock and held it there for a good 15 sec. A was impressed. I think  it  was my angle.

Now that I think about it I didn’t go down on L5 once. He went down on me like crazy. Is he the narcissist or is it me? I mean he was the one showering me with gifts and pleasure. And I was the one calling him a narcissist, after all that. I think  I w as thinking all this when I was going down on A.

.

I told A that being with others makes me appreciate him so much. I think he was happy to hear that.

I told A about L5. How the second time I saw him I thought he was a narcissist. He said it’s great  that I can spot t hem so quickly. It took him a year to realize he  was dating one. That was his last last gf.

.

I tell A that I fear I might be one. He says I’m not, because I’m very aware of concerned of other’s feelings. We look up what a narcissist is..

Okay, maybe I’m not. I feel better.

.

We made love, just to be safe, we used protection. It was hard, deep and lovely. Afterwards, I laid in his arms. and he pontificated on this realization he had. That there are these kernals of truths that if one internalizes, they can be a force:

  1. They have extreme confidence in themselves
  2. That with focus, anything can be achieved
  3. The  world is malleable.

I think we both hold those truths.

.

Am I talking too much?  A asks.

Not at all, I said. I admire and respect you. I said.

I feel the same, he said.

I want to hear everything that ‘s inside your head.

.

I took off around 11:33.

Home around midnight.

I like how being with A can take my mind off of L5.

.

Some part of me doesn’t want to be wrapped up in L5’s vortex. His touch feels too dangerously good. And I desire it too much that he’s making me self-conscious. He’s 31 for crying out loud. WHo is this  guy that’s making me lose control.

Anyways, I like A”s cock and energy inside me. It feels like it’s erasing the chemistry of L5’s.

I like how A laughed at the pronunciation of L5’s name and refuses to say his name correctly. It hints at his jealousy and at the same time, I think I needed another to take L5 down a notch for me.

.

 

 

 

Friday, 1.31.2020  8:39pm

Dear U,

I woke up fairly early 7:47 for having done to bed at 1:54am.

I masturbated. Got up. Meditated. Went for a run/walk though the woods.

I was kinda struggling with how to invite peeps to be a part of pervette. I pratyed at the Guan yin altar.

I replied to an email from one of the girls at Girl Gotta Eat podcast. A2 introduced me to them and they want to to interview me. To  show  them I’m a good fit for their show, I told them that I’m planning on creating the Dominatrix’ Guide to Dating, Sex and Intimacy once I launch Pervette next week.

I have this tendency to think of these “great ideas” off the cuff. I realize A-ha. That’s how I will bring people into Pervette. I will share mine and gather people’s wisdom on intimacy and weave them all together.

 

Then I started writing the Intimacy piece of Pervette. It started to flow. It’s neat how my prayers were answered so quickly..

.

Made myself a bone broth, kale salad.  I decided to make soem maca bars for Q. I’m gonna see her at 4pm.

.

I was on time. Which was very rare for me.

Her home was lakeside and lovely. She fixed me some kava. We enjoyed  it with the maca bars and theHoney Mama’s she got. This reminded me of the maca bars and honey mama’s I had at L5’s this past Sunday.

.

We caught up. She shared with me so much good stuff/pervette inspo. Which got me thinking about how to invite people into pervette..Submission guidelines…advice on how to have difficult conversations..

We had lots of snacks: kava, maca bars, honey mama’s chocolate, congee from The Well.

It’s rare for me to find someone who is even more attentive I am to another’s needs. She says it’s because she’s a Libra.

We talked about having a gathering..

 

 

 

Tuesday, Feb. 4, 2020  12:00pm

 

Dear U,

I like I’m being guided by spirits. I’m moving as fast as I can with  Pervette, but I’m doing it with ease, focus and clarity.

.

At every moment, I know exactly what i need to do next with Pervette.

.

Directives appear to me, they feel like an a-ha, and then I follow..

.

I just had this thought, maybe I don’t need to wait till after I teach my workshop on the 16th to go home to visit grandma. Maybe I’ll take off the day after my party, the 9th and fly to Vietnam, with my mom. And come back on the 15th. That feels crazy short. But I would regret it if my mom had to wait for the day after my workshop to go back to Vietnam. That might be too late.

.

Gonna call mom now to find out how grandma is doing, and if we ought to leave next week..

.

12:38am

 

I called mom. Told her I can fly down  the day after my party (SUnday)and we can fly out of LAX to Vietnam. I would pretty much escort her to my grandma’s house, be there for 2-3 days  and then fly back by Saturday so I can teach my Breakup sessions on Sunday.

And then I would fly back to Vietnam a week later to spend more time in Vietnam snd come back home  with my mom. Part of the reason why I’m making these 2 trips is because my mom feels like she can’t travel by herself. Her english isn’t that great, and she’s very fear-based when it comes to dealing with anything outside the comfort of her home.

.

My sister can’t go because of work. My stepdad can’t go with her because he’s sick with the flu.

.

And the whole corona virus complicates everything even more.

 

She was happy to hear that

It’s strang

Themes:  Covert narcissists, finally using my podcast gear P got me 5 years ago, corona virus scaring mom,

Back to my previous two weeks h