Sunday, January 21, 2018

 

 

I left A’s place at 11:11pm

(not intentionally)

.

I checked my phone when I got in the car

It was 11:13.

(A was born at 11:33am)

P had sent me an animoji at 8:4pm

Are you seeing this super full blood moon eclipse Muppsy?

.

Aww..

.

I missed the super blood wolf full moon eclipse

Because I was inside

making love

with A

my lover

.

It’s a no regrets kinda aww

.

What does that song mean when she sings

It’s a total eclipse of the heart

?

.

Before I left

I climbed on top of him

He was sitting in his (new to me) leather slingback chair

We kissed lightly.

He said I love you.

I took it in.

And smiled.

Should I say it?

I love you too.

.

We don’t say I love you

to each other

often.

It’s not our style to say it

But rather show it.

Or at least that’s what I like to think. Or do.

.

I think we don’t say it often because

I’m with P

.

And I tell P I love him all the time.

Maybe 3 to 8 times a day.

.

With A

We don’t say it often

Maybe because we don’t see each other often

Weeks and months go by with no contact

.

or maybe we don’t say it often

Just so that when we do

It makes my heart flutter.

.

Rewind to earlier in the night..

.

What do you do for self development?, A asks

As we finished our shared vegetarian pho from Bun Mee

And I was moving on to the Hawker bowl

.

He’s always in the mood for Thai..

.

I’m glad we didn’t do Thai

.

I think

 

What I consumed: 2 eggs, gluten free toast, mint tea at Limewood at the Claremont Hotel with P, Paleo Puffs I shared with A2 over our domme workshop meeting, a plain croissant A2 got for me from her cousin’s shop, B Patisserie, a veggie savory crepe and salad at F’s 100th day birthday party, veggie pho, eggplant Hawker Bowl, sweet potato fries from Bun Mee with A for dinner at his place

What I spent money on:  $54.45 on the caviar order from Bun Mee -$7 because they forgot to include the tofu rolls

Monday, January 21, 2019

I checked my inbox. P had cc’ed me on a thread with a broker. He’s interested in seeing this house.

There’s a pic of it through Redfin

“T wants you to see this house.”

.

It’s in Santa Monica.

Modern. Bright. Ooo it has a hot tub and funny shaped pool.

Lot’s of trees all around.

.

3 Bedroom, 3 Bathroom, 1,430 sq ft.

3,650,000.

.

It’s not that big, smaller than half the size of MuppHQ

And a lot pricier.

.

The blurb reads

Gated and private just remodeled single story architectural in coveted Santa Monica canyon. Fabulous open living room and wonderful new kitchen with counter seating/dining area opening to magical outdoor dining area with fireplace. Great master with spa bath, separate free standing soaking tub and large walk-in closet. Additional bedroom and separate 3rd guest suite with separate entrance near the pool. Wonderful spacious entertaining pool area with multiple decks and lounging areas in a fabulous landscaped setting great for entertaining. 2 car garage and large driveway. Minutes to the top-rated Canyon Charter Elementary School, canyon restaurants and the beach. A jewel that won’t last!

.

 

P can’t stop talking about how much he loves LA,

specifically the westside.

I agree with him it’s great down there.

The way he keeps on saying it feels like he wants me to affirm his exclamations with the same enthusiasm.

It feels like he wants to choose sides, like Santa Monica over Berkeley

.

Why do I have to choose?

Why can’t we have both?

Why can’t we do it all?

.

The above

Is a common refrain

.

As it turns out you can drive for at least 30 miles on an empty tank of gas in an Audi

.

What I consumed: lemon water, red walnuts, miso cod and yummy salad I made, Urban Remedy Cacao Chip bar, Buddha vegan spring rolls and chrysanthemum tea at Xyclo, ginger Kava, Lulu’s CBD chocolate

What I spent money on: $3 on Super Lotto and Powerball quick pick, $37 on gs, $54 on Among the Flowers cheek tint, Kratom chocolate, Lulu’s CBD chocolate, Rise CBD Mint Matcha chocolate, egg-shaped Lapis Lazuli stone, $20 on buddha rolls and tea at Xyclo

 

Tuesday, January 22, 2018 8:53am

 

Dear U,

I’m finally alone.

And I have a whole unstructured day to myself.

.

The landscaper and gardener are pulling out old plants.

They just removed a giant bush that was our privacy bush,

because it grew so big and heavy that it’s stem broke (yet it kept on growing)

which means people walking up to our door can kinda see me through the glass door

on the biomat

in the moon room

masturbating

which I do

from time to time

.

I need to go to the nursery and pick out some new dense shrubs or bushes or something

.

Again, a lot has happened this past weekend.

A lot a lot.

.

I mean P and I talking about kids.

That used to be crazy talk to us.

Now it’s a possibility

.

I should be working on Pervette, but I’m reminiscing this past weekend.

Maybe I’ll go back and write about it..

.

I keep on having this vision

Of setting up A with A2

They get married, have a baby,

A2 is open to an open relationship

With me and P

.

Which means I get to have my second child with A

And A2 and I will be sisterwives

And A2 can be with P too

.

It’s like a dream

I’ve always wanted a sisterwife

I just think that’s the coolest thing ever

.

On Sunday, when I was with A2

And we were talking about relationships.

She’s having issues with this normal guy she’s starting to date

He has a normal job. Building schools. That’s respectable

He has a boss.

She’s concerned about social events, can he hang with our circle of friends

In our circle, nobody has bosses

We’re all entrepreneurs

And many of them are crazy successful

.

A2 says she likes successful guys, it’s a respect thing.

But she couldn’t see herself with N.

.

N is our super alpha friend.

He’s a local celebrity in the tech world

He made his money from investing in Uber and some other notable uber successful companies that I can’t remember

He’s married to K,

the sweetest angel ever

who looks like a Korean model

And is kinda submissive and docile

when next to N

.

A2 has a thing for super successful alpha guys

But she’s alpha as well

So she can’t be drowned out by her alpha partner

.

I get it

I’m alpha too

And I’m into alpha guys

Like P and A

.

I asked A2 if she can see herself with someone like P.

Since we were playing that hypothetical game

Can you see yourself with…?

She stopped, I can sense she felt awkward thinking about it,

Being with “my guy”

But she did that thing you do, when you’re thinking through something, your lips, they point downward and you nod your head, and say yeah..

I can myself with someone like P

.

An hour before that, I told A2 that I want to introduce her to my lover, A.

.

A is a classic love avoidant.

A2 is a recovering classic love addict/ansxious

The two combined would typically spell disaster

But I think

Both of them are very self-aware and are open

To hyper growth

They’re super learners.

They’re both high IQ and EQ

I think they would actually be perfect

In pushing each other’s buttons

In just the right ways to help each other grow.

And whenever there’s any tension/conflict between them that’s too unbearable

I can be their in-between Mistress

Mediating, softening, and revealing

.

I can see them having a relationship similar to mine and P’s

They’re both going to push each other to grow

It’s perfect that he’s an avoidant and she’s an anxious

It’s karmic.

 

The more I think about it

The more I’m certain it’s a match made in heaven

It’s fucking brilliant.

.

I feel I’m an obsessed cupid

I wanna meet with A2 asap and tell her my vision

I wander how she’s going to take the sisterwife part

Y’know the part where I want to have my second child with A

I mean if she wants (and A is cool with it, too), she can totally have her second child with P.

.

I love crazy ideas

I love having them

And realizing them

.

I mean if I was gonna settle down and start a family

It has to be an unconventional one.

One that becomes an existence proof

This can happen.

And it can/will be amazing

.

Just to preface I’m not doing this just for the sake of being unconventional

I’m doing it because feels it right to me

It feels amazing when I think about this possibility

And it feels like I’m connecting the dots

.

I have P in my life, whom I know is my Twin Flame

I have A,  whom I know from my heart, he will always be my lover,

And now I have A2, who feels like a sister to me.

We are so similar and yet we push each other to grow,

.

If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have found my voice (last year), I wouldn’t have had the experience of overcoming my fear (of public speaking), I wouldn’t have got up in front of a group of broken-hearted women who were looking to me for guidance. I wouldn’t have stripped my soul and clothes to them and felt the thrill of baring and sharing all of soul to them.

I wouldn’t have seen how I can move them with my story, with my emotion

I wouldn’t have known

With such a clear vision now that I’m meant to be in front of people

Speaking…

.

I have so much to tell A2, so much to thank her for, I think I’ll write a letter to her..

.

Am email jut came through, we’re confirmed with the broker to view the house in Santa Monica this Friday at 10am

.

I can see A2 as P’s lover.

They’re hanging out all the time now in Santa Monica.

A2 is teaching P how to be with a girl, platonically.

.

P keeps on saying he can never be with A2 because she’s too demanding.

But as lovers, that’s a null point.

.

It’s perfect that A2 is in LA for a month and is now considering getting a house in Venice for the year.

.

It would be so perfect if I can pull this off.

.

At some point, I need to tell P about the rest of my downloads in my Aya journey

How I saw myself having a my second child with A.

.

I mean I did tell him about that vision a year a half ago

When I did mushroom, MDMA, and acid with D

And we started our trip by watching a youtube video of an orgasmic birth

.

I saw myself having a baby with A

I told P that

He said that’s cool

Because at the time, he probably couldn’t articulate everything that he felt

And at the time, he was miles away, running away from me..

.

Holy fuck I just had a vision of our 4 way wedding…

.

 

3:37pm

The gardener is done for the day..

.

At 3:33, I sent this letter to A7

What I consumed: lemon water, S2’s red walnuts, An everything blend of Dragon Herb’s Magic Tea, Astragalus Tea, Shaolin Tea, Diamond Mind tincture, 22 resihis tincture, Albizia flower tincture, maca, mucuna pruriens, mct oil, and coconut oil (sitting on a tesla plate), a nibble of  chocolate mushrooms (breaking my Aya dieta fast), an everything salad I made, Kratom chocolate, Lulu’s CBD chocolate, spring rolls from Pho Au Sen, red walnuts, olives

 

What I spent money on: $7 on spring rolls at Pho Au Sen, $950 on 16 plants at Flowerland Nursery, $28 on Honey Mama’s Rose Cacao Nectar bar and 3 Stone Hearth Coconut Lime jello (for D’s birthday tomorrow), Lulu’s almond chocolate, 3 Meyer lemons

 

Wednesday, January 23, 2019 9:18am

 

Dear U,

I woke up this morning with a little phlegm in my throat that I coughed up. Am I getting sick?

Oh no I’m not. I went to to town in the kitchen med drawer. I took:

Shot of apple cider vinegar, Herbee Astragalus Fire Cider, Herb Pharm’s Rapid Immune Boost tincutre (this thing works like magic), elderberry tincture, Umcka Fastactives, a few tubes of Oscillococinium, a shot of Colloidal Silver, 2 cups of Yogi’s Berry Spiced Immune Support

The funniness in the back of my throat is gone. No more phlegm.

It almost felt like I was about to come down with something last night but the sleep and tinctures and everything I took is fighting this bug.

.

Maybe it was the spring rolls I had. Who knows who made it, maybe they were sick.

That combined with all the Kratom and CBD chocolate I ate

.

My gosh the birthday invites… I’m halfway there..

There’s only one time a year where I connect with almost everyone, this is that time..

.

I should be working on my domme retreat/guide, but I can’t help to fill in the details of my past weekend..

.

At the very least, I want to record everything I put inside me and spend money on

.

I see now..P makes a request for me to be social, I read a ton on how to survive and not be drained as an empaths, and now I can be social..

 

6:56pm

 

I almost forgot how good it feels to slow down to cook, meditate, go for a walk (or two), eat mindfully, clean, and be aware of my breath

What a blessing this “bug” was, it was there . just for a sec this morning, enough to keep me mindful about taking care of myself throughout the day.

.

All of last week I’ve been on the go, sessions, social time, and then the brirthday party invite.

.

I decided not to send out the  rest of the invites today. All the texting and corresponding was a lot yesterday, today I slow down.

I was supposed to meet with my old slave, R, but he pinched a nerve and has to be horizontal.

D said she might stop by for me to give her a birthday hug, but no word from her.

I’m so grateful that I had this day to myself..

I even got a ton of work done on the Channel Your Inner Domme workshop.

It felt to good to add to the google doc A2 created.

It was so fun, when we were adding to the doc in real time

We’re creating it together.

I know of just the right friends to help be a part of it.

I reached out to S to be the dance/embodiment facilitator. She’s down and excited to be a part of it.

I help edit the copy

I started planning out the schedule, food, program, facilitators, timing

 

What I consumed: Shot of apple cider vinegar, Herbee Astragalus Fire Cider, Herb Pharm’s Rapid Immune Boost tincutre (this thing works like magic), elderberry tincture, Umcka Fastactives, a few tubes of Oscillococinium, a shot of Colloidal Silver, 2 cups of Yogi’s Berry Spiced Immune Support, lemon water, veggie soup I made with the last of the vegetables laying around, celery, carrots, Japanese sweet potato, red onion, a green smoothie I made with the avocado, lemons, and spring mix, and mint from the garden, red walnuts, more soup and smoothie, kimchee sauerkraut, blueberries, fresh ginger and lemon tea I made..contemplating eating a square of Lulu’s CBD chocolate

4 pillars: I cooked, ate cleanly and mindfully, cleaned the kitchen mindfully, went for two walks, one in the gloaming to clear my head (I’m in project planning mode with the bday party and Domme retreat), and another with Cutie during sunset, I worked on the domme retreat, I meditated laying down, which turned into a nap and I meditated sitting on a stump watching the sun set

 

What I spent money on: $555.55 to pay off my $1140 credit card bill (gonna try to keep my outstanding balance in the triple digit range)

Thursday, January 24, 2018 12:01pm

 

Dear U,

I’m not going down to LA today. I decided that this morning.

Or maybe it was last night..

When I was looking at the monthly calendar of my PPP (aka Poketo Project Planner).

And it donned on me.

I have 2 weeks left.

To create the pages to the Domme Guide, add imagery to it and create mobile versions of each page.

And I have to inventory all the pages I created to get a sense of the dots I have, so I can finally connect them into some coherent labyrinthine path..

Adding imagery to my pages also means going through my archives of footage and photos through three of my external hard drives, organizing them to get a sense of what I have so I can pair them with the text on my pages..

This is it.

This is when I need to pull it all together.

It’s seriously crunch time.

.

I have 2 weeks.

And B, my former sub whom I thought would help me with my mobile pages, isn’t as diligent and devoted to the project as he used to be now that he’s fallen in love and in a committed relationship with L. Which is all great and fine, I’m super happy for him. But I realize this is really all on me.

.

I decided last night I should reschedule my pap smear on the 29th at 1:30pm till after my (pervette) birthday.

Somehow those 3 hours seem so precious to me.

I’ll keep my dinner with the legendary M and F Tuesday night (because I want to ask M if I can interview her for Pervette at some point).

.

If I’m guarding those 3 precious hours on Tuesday, what about the next 4 days I have planned for this weekend in LA.

I have a dinner with P, A2, N, K, and N at Native tonight. It’ll be a fun dinner with a table of uber smart people. But I just had dinner with all of those peeps last week in LA and SF.

I do want to check out 2BitCircus with everyone since I met B, the founder of it last weekend. But that circus can wait..

And as much as I like to think I can get a few hours of pervette work in here or there, histotically I’ve never got any work down when I’m in LA with P.

.

I’m so grateful that I started coloring in my days on the annual calendar in the PPP to mark to indicate what of the 4 pillars did I accomplish. Because what I’m noticing very clearly is that on the days when I’m social with P (either here or in LA), I don’t eat cleanly and mindfully, I don’t meditate, I don’t exercise and I don’t create any content on pervette.

.

 

The last 2 weeks have been non-stop, the weekender in LA, all the sessions, and the packed birthday party weekend in SF.

And before that I was taking care of the leak (which is still there), and there was Matt Green, then my sister, then Aya before that, then LA before that..

.

This LA every other week thing is actually quite fun and nice if I didn’t have a deadline to hit.

.

Anyways..I’m glad I have the PPP (maybe it should stand for the Pervette Project Planner) to show me very clearly what needs to be done and how much time I have left.

.

It became very clear to me this morning when I got up and spat out this bloody phlegm from the back of my sinus, that I need to stay home..

.

It’s strange, this symptom that feels like the start and beginning of something.

Because what I spat out was all that I had to spit out, as if that was the last of the phlegm in my sinus. Which is a very satisfying feeling btw.

But why am I just only the on the slight verge of sickness?

As if it was a sign to stay home.

As if the universe gave me an excuse to say no to committing to everyone so I can commit myself to Pervette.

And if I trace it back even further.

I got this phlegm symptom (I know for certain) because I had the suspect spring rolls and the whole container of hoisin sauce to dip it in (which has  quite a bit of sugar) and I ate that Kratom chocolate (which has a lot of sugar).

I wouldn’t have gotten those spring rolls if I didn’t leave the house on Tuesday to go to the Berkeley Horticultural Nursery.

It took some energy to activate me to leave the house on Tuesday, but I did at 4:44 to go to the nursery to pick out some privacy plants for the front yard. On my way there at 4:53, I remembered that I had checked the hours for the nursery earlier

Its summer hours are open till 5:30 and its winter hours is till 5:00. Somehow I thought it was open to 5:30, but no, it’s winter, and I just left the house for no reason.

(I could be upset with myself for wasting time driving to a nursery that’s going to close when I get there)

Or maybe the reason for leaving the house is to get spring rolls at Pho Au Sen

Which I’m craving now since I had them yesterday (at Xyclo)

And I got them the day before (at Xyclo) because the night before they were missing from our caviar order at Bun Mee when I was at A’s place.

.

Are you not seeing how it’s all connected

or meant to be?

.

I’m a teleologoist, I can’t help but to see that even my errors have reason to be.

.

So anyways, spring rolls, phelgm, stay home and pervette.

It’s so clear..

.

The only thing that makes me want to go to LA is that I don’t want P to feel like I’m not being social with him.

.

But it’s kinda perfect that he had his storytelling workshop this weekend and when he was going to register me into it it was already full.

.

Anyways. I called P up. He was having breakfast with T, Y, and their baby S at Farmshop.

What’s up Mupps?

He jokes that he can tell from the tone of my voice that I’m not coming.

We’ll talk later after breakfast.

.

He calls me back.

I tell him that as much as I want to hang with him and our friends in LA I have a lot to do for pervette and there’s the party that I have to prep for.

.

Since B, my former sub, whom I tasked with the mobile pages and party prep is not as devoted and committed as he used to be

.

But the main point is I have 2 weeks left and if I want to have any chance of launching Pervette in time, I need all the time I can get..

.

He totally gets it. He says if if it weren’t for the past 2 weekends of us being social together in LA and SF he might have been butthurt that I wasn’t prioritizing him but since we were really social together and he just spent 2 days working on a financial model for the company, he totally understands that I need to put my undivided attention into Pervette.

Amazing.

He says he has one request, that I just write to the Whatsapp group that I’ll be bowing out tonight, and I can also send everyone in the group my invite.

Great idea, I’ll do that.

I love you Mupps!

.

I write a note to the LA dinner Whatsapp group.

Hi Everyone, I don’t think I can make it down to LA today. I’m on the edge of coming down with something annd I’m pushing hard to hit a deadline for my project. But I hope you guys have fun tonight!

.

Yay! I’m off the hook.

I start cleaning and tidying up the house.

Putting away the sheepskin, props, camera gear.

Tidying up the nook, moon room..

I can’t tell if my cleaning is part of the mindful mental prep that’s needed to sit down and work

Or procrastination

.

Last night before I went to bed, I had this thought. The 4 color pencils I got at Short Hand the other weekend in LA (I picked each color myself to color code my daily 4 pillars: pink for pervette, blue for meditate, green for exercise, yellow for eating well) I can use those pencils to draw in the clouds and sun on my monthly calendar to mark the weather of each day.

(In my monthly calendar, I write in tiny print the events of that day)

I’ve been obsessing about how I want to remember the weather of my days. Like how yesterday was such a nice and bright day and how it was dumping rain the night before.

The weather combined with what I ate will help me recall each day perfectly..

So after I cleared space and tidied up, I started going back and drawing rain and clouds and sun on the days in my monthly cal.

It was such a fun and mindful activity to recall and draw and color the weather.

I might be procrastinating..

.

I realize I have a shrine on my moon room glass coffee table, the spot where I’m pervetting as I sit on my biomat..

A bronze statue that has Gaun Yin on side that I rotated yesterday to face me when I type, a tealight holder that’s a part of my teapot warmer base, and a incense holder that I knocked over and spilled some ashes yesterday. Instead of saying a prayer at my usual altar, I say a prayer right here, where I’m writing to you.

.

I drop into a mindful state

.

Now I’m writing to you,

Still procrastinating?

.

I have 28 text messages that came in last night when I was sleeping and this morning, all responses to the invite.

 

Two of my friends, I just found out, are pregnant..

.

BABIES!

.

K wrote back..

I’m so happy she did.

I wasn’t sure if I should’ve written more or less.

She’s the one person that makes me self-conscious about what I send.

She can’t make it to the party, she’ll be in NY

But she wants to hang out when I’m in NY or LA.

.

I haven’t seen her all last year.

She’s been busy with her Vice show.

I will be in NY the week after my bday party, maybe I’ll see her then

If I see her, I want to be able to show her Pervette

So she can see how it’s grown and evolved since its first incarnation as a community blog..

.

Okay, no more dilly dallying.

You’re all caught up now.

.

It’s 1:14pm.

I gotta eat some soup (put something in my belly) and start working..

.

One last random thought

When I made my first soup the night of the Aya, was when (pregnant) C asked about us wanting a baby.

And later after my journey, when I told C that I might want to have a baby

She said, I knew it! You’re making your first soup..

 

The soup I make = baby ?

I am filling up my belly with the love I poured into creating it, the soup aka baby

Anyways..

Right after my prayer, I did take a little nibble of the chocolate mushroom

.

Oh my Goddess, no LA weekended = I just gained 4 days of Pervetting!

Ok, seriously I gotta go pervette now..

3:21pm

I ate my soup, mindfully as I could

.

It’s very hard to be present when you’re project-planning

And reverse-engineering..

.

I made my magic tea

.

It’s so sunny outside. 2:30pm is my antsy go outside time when it’s sunny like this

.

I hold still on the biomat. I grab the first two books on the stack, Reality Hunger and one I haven’t really opened

I Sit Listening to the Wind by Judith Duerk

Her words about the animus calm me..

It’s the masculine that tells me to go go go

But some part of me, the feminine (?) wants to go slow

.

I read on, I want to highlight her words with my color pencils

They got dull form me drawing clouds in my monthly planner

I think about the fancy $30 sharpener at Shorthand that I didn’t get because P was paying for all my stuff and somehow adding a $30 sharpener impulse buy at the very end of checkout seem too much.

 

I go to the Shorthand website. They have a ton of sharpeners..that aren’t so pricey, the kuru kuru one is super cute.

I know I have a few decent sharpeners somewhere.

I go into the library and open the lid of my mirror box…

It’s been a while since I opened it.

Oh my goodness, this mirror box is a treasure trove of arts and crafts and relics from from college, childhood and just . a few years ago, all waiting to surprise my future self of today..

Past self, I love you for doing this..

It’s going to take a little bit of time to describe or list everything that’s in this box and why it’s so magical right now, but I did find 2 nifty pencil sharpeners, one is actually a kuru kury sharpener)

And this letter that I typed up for myself and M when I was 19..

If you can read the small print, you’ll see that I wrote that for the me

of actually right now..

WTF.

And this Virginia Woolf quote P2 gave me years ago ..

I don’t want (you or myself) to forget what appears like procrastination is actually inspiration

(I know I know. That’s what procrastinators like to say)

.

 

 

.

In my mindful states today, I can feel the right side of my head, close-ish to the crown tingling

.

Magic is slowly happening..

I’m so happy I don’t have to pack and go to LA

I’m so happy I’m already home..

 

6:59pm

 

At 4:44pm I went for a magic hour walk with Cutie, we walked to and past the sunset bench down to the steps to Loma Linda park and watched the sunset. I copied P2, I put Cutie in my Uniqlo hoodie (my sister got me) and zipped her it up to her neck so her head would stick out. It felt so nice to have her body pressed against mine in the hoodie. Jesus, is this my maternal instinct kicking in?

.

On the way back there were some purple flowers growing on a vine. With my teeth, I was able to grab a few vines to pair with the exotic flower I got last week.

.

I made dinner with almost the last of the vegetables in the fridge, 1/3 red onion, one broccoli head and 1/2 sweet potato, sauteed, and steamed with beef bone broth, althoughI overdid it with the bone broth and it was a tad soggy. But it was still good.

It’s a good day when I can go for a walk and catch the sunset (with Cutie) and cook and eat mindfully.

It’ll be an especially good day if I create some more content on Pervette..

I know, I haven’t yet all day.

.

I only sent out one invite today.

To Z.

We haven’t connected all last year.

Although I think about him from time to time.

He’s a sweet, boyish, slightly autistic CEO

(just how I like ’em)

.

When I think about it, I feel slightly regretful that the one time we kinda hooked up

(I think it was the maca chocolate that L made and I had a lot of that evening)

he did a really amazing job of going down on me and making me come

And when it was his turn to be pleasured, I denied him access

(I told him P wouldn’t be happy if we fucked)

didn’t touch his cock

and said something like

maybe he should stay chaste for me

He said he should just come on me for saying that

So I let him

And he fell asleep

And I took off

Returned to a sleeping P at Nema

.

Anyways it could’ve been a more symmetrical and intimate sexual experience

If I wasn’t feeling so Mistress-y and such a cock tease that evening

.

I think I did that so that I can tell P the morning after that I just let him go down on me. That’s all.

P was happy that we didn’t totally hook up

.

Anyways, he replied immediately, thanking me for the invite but unfortunately he won’t be in CA that week. And says “please do invite me to another such opportunity (deep red heart emoji)”

And he said he’s retiring this number and gave me his new number “please use this number from now on.”

Will do! I reply, You’ll be missed (deep red heart emoji)

Aww, thank you.

.

Okay. 7:31pm

I’m at the breakfast nook table, which means I’m serious about pervetting now..

No replying to the 30 + texts from today

No sending out invites..

Wish me luck

.

(from what I can remember)

 

I created the Relationship to food page and my relationship to food page

It’s pretty rough and raw, but at least I got the pages out and I’ll go back later..

.

At 9:19 my stepdad sends a group text to me and sister

He sends 5 pictures of a cute little black puppy on a leash wagging his tailwalking around in a brand new dog bed with toys and a giant dog bone shaped dog bowl.

He writes, Boboa is our new family member, he is mixed Chiwawa and 7 months old.

Oh my god, he’s so cute! I reply.

Our dog, Champ, whom my stepdad loved a ton, died 2 years ago. Something feels really right about us getting a new dog.

.

An old client of mine emailed me a link to a podcast about  Choose your own adventure video games. I listened to it. Then I went down a Twitter rabbithole and read an article/interview about my Asian Dominatrices friends, D, L, and Y.

I was pretty dog tired by midnight. But something happened. The wind started to kick in and the trees and house started to rustle. It was so calm earlier. Now I can hear the wind howl.

And maybe it was a combination of the Azn domme article plus the podcast plus Neil Patrick Harris’ Choose Your Own Autobiography book I started to read, but I started getting visions of the new beginning in Pervette.

When I ask Do you want to play?

And you click yes..

I know where it goes next.

You will become me and you will choose your own adventure through the choices I made and didn’t make..

I kept on seeing how it unfolded, my story, told in 2nd person, I started mapping some of it out. By 1:30am my mind was buzzing, even though my body was tired..

I wrote until I decided I should go massage some Hair Be There oil on my scalp and lay on the slant board then go to bed.

.

Crazy, how I picked up the book, I Sat Listening to the Wind yesterday and started reading it, and then later that evening, I sat listening to the wind and the downloads for pervette came to me..

.

Oh random..I think my hair is falling out, it usually happens in the Fall, but maybe it came later this year. Anyways a lot did fall out this morning, enough to alarm me..

.

What I consumed: acv, Rapid Immune Boost, Oscillococinium, lemon water, my magic tea with a teaspoon of manuka honey, nibble of chocolate mushroom, the rest of my veggie soup and a handful of red walnuts and coconut lime gelatina for lunch, 1/2 Lulu’s almond dark chocolate bar and  1/5 of the Urban Remedy cacao chip bar for a snack, the rest of the green smoothie I made yesterday and broccoli and sweet potato stirfry I made, olives and a little bit more lime gelatina for dinner, realized I didn’t have enough protein today and ate a quarter of the cacao chip bar,  ate from 1pm to 8:30pm, I think I ate too much sugar from the honey in the tea and the lime gelatina.. and the chocolate and cacao chip bar because I can’t stop eating..

 

What I bought: $121 on Nutrafol hair supplement, Pure Encapsulation magnesium glycinate, and Jojoba oil

 

Friday, January 25, 2018 8:02pm

 

Dear U,

It’s been a lovely day.

I woke up, wrote out my morning pages, set my timer and meditated for 33 minutes, the first half of it was me in project planning mode for the party and pervette.

By the end I felt amazing.

I need to make this a habit. A 33 minute sit in the morning and 22 minute in the evening.

I said a prayer.

Then I started writing out the new CYOE (Choose your own Emotion/EroticAdventure) path.

I was heavily riffing off of Neil Patrick Harris’ Warning page. I love borrowing..

I created You are me

Funny how I’ve been calling Pervette 2.0 a choose your own erotic adventure website, but it was only today that I really created a path that feels like a CYOE,

.

P Facetimes me as he’s on his way to meet with our friend, J.

He saw the house with A2 today, he says it’s really nice and muppety. Even though it’s not that large, but he can see himself and us living in it.

But it probably require us selling mupp HQ and giving up the Ocean Ave apt.

.

He says he kinda wished he sold just even a fraction of his crypto last year at the height of it.

This is the first time I really heard him express regret for HODLing..

.

My god, it was nice out today. By 2pm, I didn’t really eat anything other than 1/2 an Urban Remedy bar and 5 red walnuts.

I was in the zone..

But there’s nothing left in the fridge to make for lunch (I successfully cooked and consumed almost every vegetable I bought last week or the week before).

I left the house with Cutie around 2:30, went to Montery Market and loaded up on produce, then to Monterey Fish Market and got a pound of halibut and shrimp (buying shrimp to cook is a first for me).

Kids were just getting out of school and filling up Hopkins St, they were buying pizza at Gioia’s and Chinese take out from the Chinesey restaurant and pastries from the bakery. It was so pleasant being surrounded by kids coming out of school, snacking and hanging out.

It was so sunny out, I decided to keep on staying out, maybe I should stop by Masse’s and order a birthday cake for the party.

So I did. The man helping me was jovial and patient as I tried to pick out a cake. I went with the green tea matcha, because it was round, light green (like the cake in my dream the other month) and very cute..

He asked what I wanted written on it. I said,

Happy Birthday I’ll spell it out for you..

P E R V E T T E

Pervette? he said.

Yep.

I paid for it and he said he’ll make it pretty for me and it’ll be ready to pick up by 10am on the 9th.

.

I had extra time in the meter, so I walked down the street and went into Books, Inc. and asked the clerk if there were any Choose Your Own Adventure-inspired books. She consulted with another clerk and they showed me what they had

For adults, there was

To Be or Not To Be: A Chooseable Path Adventure by Ryan North

which seems perfect

And for kids, there was a

Oregon Trail: Choose your Own Trail

and Dungeons and Dragons had their own version as well.

I was tempted to get the Oregon Trail book, but it was too kiddy..

.

To Be or Not to Be was $20.

I checked on Amazon, it was only $13 there.

And his other CYOA book

Romeo or Juliet was only $12

Jeez, what a dilemma. I want to support my local bookstore, but I’m Asian and can’t but this book at full price knowing there’s a better deal to be had on Amazon.

So I did the only thing I could do to make myself feel right..

I Amazon Primed To Be or Not To Be

and

Romeo or Juliet

.

Order Placed

.

I’l receive them by Sunday. I can wait till then.

.

And then I walked over to the other side of the store where the Non-fiction sale table was and easily found 4 books that was calling to me:

CBT (no not that kind of CBT (but that is why I picked up the book) it’s talking about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I think I can work this into cock and ball torture in Pervette somehow)

Hallucinations by Oliver Sacks (a book of case studies of people on hallucinagens)

The Kickstarted Handbook: Real-life Crowdfunding Success Stories (This might come in handy for Pervette the documentary and I’m curious if there’s any useful tips for Pervette as I’m trying to find different avenues to generate revenue)

and

True Perceptions: The Path of Dharma Art by Chogyam Trungpa

All 4 books were $31 when it would’ve cost me $60 if I bought them at full price.

What a deal!

And besides I’m supporting my local small businesses.

Anyways.

.

It was so nice outside, and school was back in session, I didn’t want to go home just yet, I wanted to soak in this sunny after school vibe, so I drove by the Berkelet Art Museum, there was a car pulling out, a sign that I should park and go in the museum and see if in the bookstore there were any new cool rubber stamps (they refresh their stash weekly, an old lady told me) like the Guan Yin one I saw in the catalog.

There wasn’t. But music started, and some woman was their some performative dance piece walking down the stairs. I turned on my recorder and captured the sound..

.

Perfect weather, magic hour, school is out, students coming out of class, it’s a Friday, that energy is so good.

Note to self: I need to be around schools on sunny Friday afternoons more often

.

When I got home  around 4:44 I boiled a duck egg to hold me over. I ate it quickly and me and Cutie caught the sunset at 5:24.

Then I came back, roasted some sliced sweet potatoes, took a call with A2 and K, they’re in LA now, I can hear N, K’s 2 year old in the background. J, a friend of ours who just moved to LA is over at their AirBnb, and P, is also on his way there.

Everyone is there, and I guess I am too (via Facetime Audio).

We plan out the domme retreat. K is going to help with styling the women for their photoshoot at the end of the retreat. K also know of a NLP person who would be perfect for the session in subconsciously uprooting self-limiting beliefs. I know of a makeup artist who can help with lips and lashes..

We’re filling in the details of the program

Dungeon field trip will be on Sunday, lunch after, then photoshoot during the magic hour..

It’s all coming together!

.

We might move the workshop from the 8th to the weekend of the 15th since K and N’s Bali trip starts on the 24th. And since A2, P and I are also planning on going to Bali in March to all be there together and A2 was planning on flying from NY to SF to do the workshop then fly to Bali. It made sense to push it back, which is perfect because Z kjust texted yesterday about moving the sexworker decriminalize prostitution gathering from Feb 24th to Mar 8th. This way it might all work out..

As it always does..

.

I cook the halibut with a new recipe (butter, honey, soy sauce, lemons and garlic) I found online and sauteed the rainbow chard I got today. It was a yummy dinner.

.

Now I’m writing to you.

I still have more writing on Pervette to do…

.

So far, I created one page today. But it was a critical one, carving out the new path..

.

I got an email from Insight Retreat Center, I just got accepted to another weeklong silent meditation retreat with Gil Fronsdal in the last week of April.

I can’t believe I got in again. His retreats are usually hard to get into. There’s always a raffle drawn and a waitlist of 200-300 people.  But so far every retreat of his I’ve applied for in the past year, I got in.

.

P and A2 are sending me pics of them playing at 2BitCircus. They look so cute. It looks like the group is at a Chuck E Cheese for adults..

(I met the founder of the circus, his dad started Chuck E Cheese)

I’m happy for them..

I don’t wish for a minute I was there.

I’m so happy I’m alone. With this space to play and pervette..

.

I call mom. And ask her why was I born cesarean again.

Because during her last trimester, she was sitting all day threading necklaces for my aunt (who owns a jewelry shop), making $5 a necklace, and probably threading 4-5 necklaces a day. Basically she was making a dollar an hour.

.

Oh the new puppy’s name is Boba, not Boboa. Like the boba drink.

.

 

What I consumed: lemon water, a blend of 5 Dragon Herbs tea: magic, shaolin, astragalus, he shou wou, and longan plus maca and mucuna pruriens, nibble of chocolate mushroom, red walnuts, 1/2 Urban Remedy Cacao Chip plant protein bar, 1/2 sweet potato sliced and roasted, pan seared halibut and sauteed chard, a small Fuji apple, and a square of Lulu’s almond dark chocolate. I ate mindfully from 1 to 8:30pm

What I spent money on: $72 on a ton of veggies and pink gerber daisies at Monterey Market, $33 at Monterey Fish Market on halibut and peeled shrimp, $51 on a Pervette birthday cake at Masse’s, $31 on books at Books, Inc and $28 on teo CYOA books by Ryan North on Amazon

I meditated, I created content on Pervette, I ate cleanly and mindfully. I did 100 crunches and hopped on the hoop for a minute

Books I’m Reading: Neil Patrick Harris: Choose Your Own Autobiography

 

Saturday, Jan 26, 2019 8:19am

Dear U,

I woke up just as the sun was rising. When I opened the curtains, I saw a blazing pink orange sky in the east. It was so magical.

I had to quickly put on pants and open the door from my bedroom to the backyard and opened the gate to the field.

The wind was blowing, the trees were rustling, the sky was turning orange.

It was so incredible.

I need to always be outside or at least have the door open when it’s windy like this..

the sound..

.

I woke up with that Ed Sheeran song in my head, it’s not my favorite, it’s P’s favorite.

After my morning pages, I put it on and started dancing, I jumped on the hoop..

I definitely don’t know if this should go on the pervette birthday party playlist

.

Oh my god, I should start my mornings more like this from now on.

I put on Miley Cyrus’ We Can’t Stop.

This song is definitely my guilty pleasure song that I’m adding to the playlist.

 

I dance as if the party is already happening.

I run from the library to the moon room and jump on the hoop.

Wow, this is so much fun.

How have I neglected this hoop for so long??
.

Something about the morning dance brought me to near tears, as if I am embodying the gratitude of what it feels like to celebrate pervette’s birthday.

I got to do this..

It’s a crazy feeling, to prepare for the party, to prepare for the birth of my baby..

I wrote in my morning pages that if everyday from 8:44am to 1:11pm I just sit here at the computer and pervette, I’ll be good. That’s 4 hours and 27 min.

I gotta discipline myself.

I can wake up as early as I need to prep for that start time.

To meditate,

To dance,

To get my elixirs

Okay.

It’s 8:31am

I’m going to leave an animoji for P

Add turn my phone on airplane mode.

As you can tell, I haven’t disciplined myself too hard these days.

But I am cutting out the non-essential..

I’m not in LA

I am letting my child self play

I am letting it flow…

10:14am

 

I tinkered with the YES page.

I rewrote some of the lines

To give it more cohesiveness

And creepiness

I changed the speed of the letters being typed out

The back speed

The delay before start

The back delay

Added some ellipses..

It feels more intimate now

My whole body shuddered

When I reloaded the page

And read the appearing and disappearing words

I can feel my soul smiling

At 10:10am

I have completed the very first page of Pervette.

.

It’s desktop and mobile ready.

.

Holy fuck.

That felt good.

Almost like an orgasm.

.

Okay

On to the next..

 

.

I checked out the pervette front page on the phone.

I took it off Airplane mode.

.

Texts came in…

.

From A

Success (party hat emoji)

.

Omg!!! Yay!!!! I reply

Seriously, best news ever

Thank you for pulling it off. I’m so soooo happy you can make it!

.

From A2

(The sweetest message, I’ll write more later)

.

 

Dad calls.

I take it.

As I work on the settings page

And the hello page.

.

He asks if I’m coming home for Chinese New Year.

I tell him I won’t be since I have work to do.

He says he’s taking the whole week off since he has so much vacation time he might as well use it.

He asks if I can send him some money for Chinese New Year.

I tell him, Of course.

I write it down on my project planner for this Wednesday, since I have a session that evening, I’ll for sure have enough money to send him 500 for new years, 200 for the car payment.

.

He complains about how tight things are.

He’s 63 now, If he retires in two years. he gets 2000 for retirement

What if you retire now? I ask

I get 1100 a month.

Oh.

.

I got a big mac the other day, not the big kind with 3 patties, but two. And a medium coke and fries. You know how much that was?

How much?

$9!

.

I realize it’s insane that per hour, I make 30 times more than he does.

And yet I’m choosing to session as little as possible, just enough to get by.

 

Why?

Because I’m an essentialist.

.

And right now, it’s all about Pervette.

.

He gives me the news update

Because that’s real, he says, if it’s coming from the TV

You can’t trust the stuff on the internet. Anyone can post anything on the youtube.

.

He tells me some cautionary tales, about one false move..

Some anchor guy got fired for saying something

Connie Chung got fired for saying that word

Bit. B, I, T, is that how you spell it? he asks.

Bitch, I correct him. It’s B, I, T, C, H

B, I, C, T, he tries to spell it back

No, it’s B, I, T, C, H, bitch.

He tries several times. He keeps on wanting to flip the T and the C around.

I spell it out even more slowly.

It feels weird to keep on saying “bitch” to him.

Then he gets it.

Bitch.

.

He goes on for 27 minutes, I’m losing my patience. Is this the universe testing me? I keep lowering the volume of the speaker on the phone and try to tune him out, because his alarmist tone is agitating my nervous system.

At 27 min 44 sec, I tell him I have work to do and I have to go.

He says, okay, just don’t forget to send him the money. When am I going to mail it out he asks.

I say Wednesday.

Okay, that’s good.

We say goodbye.

.

I wish I can give more..

 

9:49pm

 

I pervetted until 1:30 or so. Most of today, was just on Yes, Hello, and You are Me..

.

I showered. I can’t remember when I showered las, Sunday or Monday?

.

I had P2 come over at 3:33pm. He got me the essentials from Whole Foods, Flow alkaline water, and 3 Urban Remedy bars.

As he took pictures of Cutie in a martini glass he brought over, I wrote out the details for the party on the clapboard. I erased some parts several times and did it over since I’m a crazy perfectionist.

.

“BYO strap-on and dildo for the group domme sausagefest photo”

I wrote

I changed into my AP outfit, had P2 haul the sheepskin to the biomat, where the light was good, and I laid on the sheepskin as P2 took the pics. I didn’t like the way my arms and hands look holding the clapboard, maybe it’d be better if I was standing up, I had P2 move the sheepskin into the orgy room and drape it over the divider wall, took some more pics. Hmm I just don’t like the way my body looks, I had P2 move the sheepskin back into the moon room on the biomat. I just laid the clapboard the the Fleet Ilya strap-on harness and rose quartz dildo and snapped about a hundred or so photos , some with golden handcuffs, some with a hand whip too.

P2 asks, when as a perfectionist do I know what I have is enough.

I dunno. I just have a feeling when I got it. And for now I’ll keep on shooting until the light is gone.

I shot until the sun was about to set. We went out and caught the sunset, with Cutie in my hoodie. P2 thought it was the cutest thing her head poking out of my hoodie. He snapped some photos of us.

.

Afterwards, P2 took out the trash and swept. As I preparing the halibut miso marinade and stirfry, I called P back, he got out of his storytelling class and was dog tired after a late night. He didn’t get homefrom 2BitCircus until 2am. I’m so glad I didn’t go to LA.

I told him that I got the first 2 pages set, and I have a new path.

He checks out Pervette. Gets super annoyed with the scrolling texts. Loses his patience and says he needs to nap since he only got 4 hours of sleep and went to a 4 hour workshop.

I tell him that’s a good idea and I’ll talk to him tomorrow.

I could tell he realized how insensitive he sounded. I was abrupt told him I’m cooking and he should nap and hung up.

I started to tear up, I was pretty butthurt.

.

P2 came in and started doing the crazy pile of dishes I had.

I don’t think he heard the conversation I had with P.

He says he wish he could be a better contributor to Pervette, because he has no feedback to offer other than he likes it a lot. He likes that you can get lost in it. He likened it to an city in Africa or the old city part of the city of Sanaa in Yemen, built up over 100’s of years with narrow streets and passageways, hidden places, tunnels even. A place to explore and discover unimaginable things.

I told him I totally appreciated that.

I like that he’s the perfect foil to P, who has never really went deep into Pervette or understood it, maybe because he doesn’t have the patience for it.

.

P2 liked my halibut, even though it was overly soy saucey.

.

P 2 said that when he got off the phone with his folks last Friday and Cutie was with him, he asked her if she had any parents, and he felt something very sad emanating from her, it was very palpable.

We both wondered what that could be..

.

He showed me his dozen or so Cutie cutouts and tattoo options..

It was so cute to see so many Cuties cutout and laying on the table and his arm. I like the one he settled on. I like the way she looks sitting in the rook of his arm

For desert, I pulled out the Honey Mama’s lavender rose bar I haven’t touched since I got it for D’s bday and she never made it.

.

I told P2 you can find them at Berkeley Bowl now. He said that’s so dangerous.

He really loved and savored his piece that I cut for him, it’s so unique, he says. I offered im some more, which he happily couldn’t say no to.

He did the dishes. We transferred some photos and videos to and from out hard drives of his last session cut short and my last photo shoot with him in it..

He borrowd a Mary Oliver book

And he listened to my heartbeat. Fast and steady, did he say?

.

After he took off, I was still feeling snacky.

I couldn’t help myself and at the last 1/2 of the Honey Mama’s.

And that’s why I can’t get started with Honey Mama’s, it’s too dangerous.

.

I went through all the photos we took. After taking several hundred, I actually settled on the very first photo P2 took of me in my lingerie holding the clapboard laying in the sheepskin. With the right cropping, it totally did the trick.

I texted P2 that. He said that’s ironic. But at least a few hundred backups!

.

I did some research on PA systems for the party. I think I’m ready to actually to give a speech after I blow out the candles this year. But I don’t want to yell.

And this one decently priced and highly reviewed PA system also has a pretty cool light show built in.

I also did some research on flutes. S2 says he would be happy to get me a flut for my birthday. I’m excited about playing one after so many years of not. When was the last time I played? Eighth grade.

Will it all come back to me?

.

P animojied and said sorry he was so tired and short with me earlier.

I replied. it’s cool, I was just being sensitive because I was pouring my heart and soul into Pervette and it kinda hurt a little, but it’s cool..

He replied apologizing, he didn’t mean to be all critiquey on it, it was all on him being tired. He said he’s super proud of me and stuff.

All is well.

.

I need to start inventorying all the pages I’ve created in the past year and a half..

It’s only when I do that can I start to connect the dots or pages.

.

Dommes are messaging me asking if they can attend my party. I do this unintentionally every year. I stagger the invite blast,only because I lost steam from all the texting and back and forth. I was planning on sending out the rest of the invites tomorrow.

I feel like my laziness and slowness to reply or message tends to fuck with people’s egos.

.

It’s 10:44pm.

I’ve only gone for a soak in the hot tub just once ever since we got it fixed in December. The air outside is so calm, and the owls are hooing.

Maybe I should go for a soak and meditate..

.

12:44am

I went for a soak in he hot tub. Listening to the owls hoo, deers walk by, and some strange wah wah sounds by an unknown pack of animals. It sounded unreal and almost indescribable

I was in the tub for a while, like an hour. I was trying to meditate, but instead I was mapping out the pages I need to write, the story I need to tell..

I got out and showered, and then when I was drying off in the bedroom, I saw myself in the full length mirror, I dropped my towel, naked, I started doing some squats, in a warrior like stance.

Something came over me, a spiritual spell.

I felt powerful. My eyes looked focused and wild.

.

I have so much energy right now.

I think it’s time to burn the midnight oil..

as they say.

 

 

 

Things I put inside me: lemon water, my crazy blend of everything tea, nibble of chocolate mushroom, avocado toast on yucan crackers slathered with coconut and MCT oil, red walnuts, halibut and cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, shitake mushroom, and red walnuts stirfry I made for me and P2, Honey Mama’s lavendar rose cacao nectar, and the rest of the lime gelatina and blueberries, ginger tea I made

What I spent money on: $30 for the alkaline water and cacao chip bars P2 got for me

 

Back to my previous week