Sunday, January 27, 2019


What I consumed: lemon water, my magic tea, halibut and stirfry I made, Urban Remedy cacao chip protein bar, sauteed kale and fried duck egg on top, kratom chocolate and blueberries

What I bought: $26 on the number 3 and 7 sparkler candles and a little pack handmade rainbow candles for the pervette and my bday cake at Pippa, a little handmade circular pot with a succulent in it (for the powder room) and The Sorrows of Love by School of Life at Mrs. Dalloway

Mystery: Went into The Rare Bird to ask C, the older woman who works there if she knows anything about Lewin’s books, she doesn’t, she says maybe go The Focal POint, the eyeglasses store next door, but they’re not open on Sundays

4 Pillars: I pervetted, I ate well, I meditated and went for a stroll down College

Monday, January, 28, 2019 9:51am

The Library


Dear U,

I knwo I didn’t write to you all day yesterday. I was in a flow. Maybe you can see that I created a few more pages..Right Now and Your End, and Your First Ego Death.

Listenign to my toad experience was really intense..

I wonder how you’ll take it when you hear it.

Yesterday and today I woke up with my body buzzing, I feel light, airy, and electrified.

It’s almost to mmuch . to contain.

I  meditated this morning.

I still feel it.



I’m in a different room, the library, since the gardener is working in the backyard, which is what I face when I sit at the round table

I think I’m going to channel this energy into words and pages..


Wish me luck..

I can barely type right.

And this is before I even my micro dose. I wonder if I even need to..?


It’s been a super productive day, everything was back to back

I felt like I was an executive or something..

Worked on Mission: Launch Pervette

Had a call with B to plan out the menu for the party

Had a skype meeting with S, my web designer discussing all the things to tackle on pervette

M landscaper, J, he picked up all the plants at Flowerland. I helped him figure out which plants went where in the front yard.

Talked to P to discuss party plans and Bali plans


The villa that we did acid in and fell in love there is availble..

We might just be celebrating our 5 year anniversary in the same spot.


There was one plant missing from the batch at Flowerland, they don’t know which one they lost, so they gave me a refund.

After J was done for the day, I went back to Flowerland and got 11 more plants to fill in the yard (I can’t help myself). The folks at Flowerland love me now.


I went to my aerial class not to attend the class but to ask the instructor if she offers private lessons, she says her schedule is booked but she directed me to another instructor who happens to be teaching a new aerial silk class and was finishing up. Perfect..


Went to the Kebabery, I needed some organic protein in me. It hit the spot.

Came home, did some texting to figure about the bartender and photographer for the night..


C got me a PA system for the night.


Eating some protein did ground me a little. I was feeling very buzzy the whole day.


I think I’m gonna just read and take it easy tonight. Tomorrow I plan to write all day, then meet with M and for dinner. I kinda hope M has to reschedule till after my party, but I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to meet with her since she’s about to go on tour soon..


Sorry I’m not writing too much here, I only have so many words in me and so much energy, I need to stay focused on the main parts of pervette..


Okay, time to get off the computer and phone and read…


What I consumed: lemon water, chaga tea, micro dose chocolate mushroom, Cacao chip protein bar, 2 brazilian bread rolls, 1/2 cup of veggie soup, chicken kebab, mashed red lentils, pickled vegetables at The Kebabery, piece of dark chocolate, blueberries, small pink lady apple

What I spent money on: $1000 on landscaping, $8 on 2 cheesey bread rolls and soup, $212 on 11 plants at Flowerland, $19 on a kebab plate at the kebabery


Tuesday, January 28, 2019 9:36am


Dear U,

My energy levels are shifting from moment to moment. I was looking forward to a day of writing and pervetting, but right now I can’t seem to sit in a chair, I’m sitting on the biomat, back against the gray sofa.

I’m enjoying the view to the left of me, of the colors of the plants that I picked out and that got planted yesterday.

I went out earlier to the front yard and surveyed the plants, I already know how I want to move some of them around


This is the first time I’m working with a landscaper (come to think if it J is not a landscaper, he’s a gardener0 who isn’t picking out the plants for me. I get to pick each one out myself and choose its home. In the past I’ve always been unhappy with the plants chosen and its placement).

There’s something very satisfying about creating the landscape around you.


A little fox just came into my backyard, and was sniffing and walking around, I’ve never seen a fox in my backyard before..


I just pulled out the Medicine Cards book, let’s see what it has to say..


It is a sign that you are to become like the wind, which is unseen, yet is able to weave into and through any location or situation


Running theme: The wind


I think I’m going to work on the Domme Guide today. Yesterday’s meeting with S was helpful. I need to restructure it…


I wonder if this tired feeling that just came over me means I should lay down and rest and let the new structure come to me…


I feel something on the right side of tummy, it’s telling me something


A little nibble of chocolate mushrooms wouldn’t hurt..




I am so grateful that I listened to my body,

I laid down on the biomat and meditated

I needed to stop planning, I needed to slow down..

I want to go go go

But to let the living guide pass through me, I have to hold still so I can receive it when it comes to me


I remember in my prayer earlier this morning to Guan Yin to let this procfess be stress-free

Somehow earlier I wast thinking about one of the most stressful periods of my life, studying for the qualifying exams..


S/he answered my prayers.

Yesterday I moved fast

Today I move slow

No morning is ever the same


Reading Seneca on the Shortness of Life..

Very inspirational.



The day before I was writing at the round table

Yesterday i was writing in the library

Today I’m writing in the moon room, on the biomat


The Living Guide is coming to me..



I didn’t write a ton, just enough to know where to go next. I got interrupted by J, he came with the plants.

F, out neighbor, is having him work on his yard too. So while he was there, I started arranging the new pots of plants in their place and figuring out which of the ones planted yesterday needs to be moved. Three that were planted yesterday needs to be moved..

Juxtaposition is my forte.


I felt like I might need 2 more plants to fill in the spaces right outside the moon room deck. I was gonna go shower then head to Flowerland, but before I shower, I decided I should tackle all the Burning Man gear that’s still sitting in the garage that’s taking up a whole parking space. P has mentioned several times how he wants that to be something tackled either by me or us together.

I moved a shelf in the garage closet and was able to organize and fit all the 30 plastic bins and 4 cooler bags in the closet with the suitcases. I moved the electric bikes against the wall, I cleared out the last of the bins, which had batteries, L-wire, extension cords and tools. I went ahead and got the hand vacuum and really tidied up. Wow, the garage looks amazing.

And just as I was finishing up, J came around and I walked over with him to the front yard. He started digging up the plants tat needs to be moved and I watch meditatively as he started planting away. Now I know how to do it myself if I want to.


Everything’s done, the front yard looks amazing. All these new vibrant colors, the yellow leucodendrums, the purple rosemary,

What I bought: Relationships by School of Life (Pervette research); Living an Orgasmic Life (more pervette research) on Amazon



Wednesday, January 30, 2019 11:17am

Dear U,

Jesus Christ. I can’t stop masturbating and meditating

And chanting

It’s the only way to settle this energy that’s buzzing inside me

It comes on strong every morning this week now

I wake up hollow, hungry, and aware that if I eat something

I won’t be a vessel anymore

I don’t want to shift my consciousness


My mouth tastes like my body is going into ketosis


My boobs looks great, I must be ovulating, hence all the masturbating


It’s like my mind wants to speed up

I need to tidy up the house, it’s a mupp mess and P is coming home today

We’re gonna go furniture shopping to make the toad room a chill room

P had the idea to decorate and add more to our 2 guest bedrooms downstairs to accommodate the 80 peeps for the party


I gotta move my session from 6 to 6:30 to make time for our CB2 shopping.


The party has ballooned to over capacity. Time to triage. I have to (ugh) uninvite a few folks that I don’t really know (they had messaged me through social media wanting to connect) and invited to the party in my trigger happy invite blast.

I craft a nice message..

I also have to create a new photo note and blast it out this weekend,..this party has ballooned to over capacity and regretfully has to be limited to invite-only.


A bird flies into the window of the orgy room as I’m crafting the thoughtful uninviting message. Is that a sign?


Which reminds me, that baby fox from yesterday morning was curled sleeping by my hot tub last night. S/he was so cute with its furry tail.


My sister suggests Bi-rite catering, might be a hassle free option to add more to the menu that B is working on


Called up some landscapers who do outdoor lighting to fix and more lights to the front and back yard


Called up C my carpet cleaner guy to come Sunday, the morning after the party 11am to steam clean the rugs and sofas.


Had a great dinner conversation with Midori last night, woke up thinking I want to invite her to speak at the Domme workshop


Party planning, domme workshop planning, house beautification planning, pervette planning, day by day planning.


My mind wants to go go go.

But then I was able to stop and stay still

Mediated twice and chanted



The sun comes and goes behind the clouds,

There was the most beautiful golden light in the orgy room

My mood shift with the light


Trying to find that balance. Of getting a ton of shit done

And staying present

is very tricky

but a nice challenge



I don’t feel like eating. yet I think I should



I bought 9 books in one week.

I think that my average book buying is 4-5 books a week.


I picked P up, at 3:23pm, we went straight to CB2. P wanted to create a chill room and vamp the library to contain our 80 guests for the bday party.

I suggested CB2, it’s local, I like their designs, it’s not crazy expensive and we can get everything delivered within a week.

I had a session at 6 that I moved to 6:30, so I had an hour and a half or so before i had to take off.


Once we got in the store our imagination started running wild

Oh that can go in the chill room…


A sweet brown haired older woman whi worked at CB2 asked if we needed any help. We said yes, we’re gonna get a lot of things..


We were both drawn towards this camel leather sofa, we sat in it and immeditately knew it was going in the library.


P had that thinking, ideating look in his face..

What if we moved the TV from the moon room into the library and the library can be the TV room? he suggested.

Yeah., that can totally work.

The more we thought about it the more it made sense..

That way we don’t have to move the TC close to us when we’re watching a movie in the moon room.


P asked for a tape measure, S got it for us.

S got us some tissue paper and a pen to sketch out the library

Do you want me to draw, I’m an artist, she says.

No, I can draw, P says.

He starts quickly drawing a sloppy rectangle and noting where the double doors are and the glass door to the deck..

Oh, it looks like you’re an engineer, she said.

Yep, you’re right, I said. We both exchanged glances and smiled as P was in yper focused planning mode.


We started picking out things we can see in the library


What if we turned the gym into the chill room? I suggested, it has that whole wall of mirror. P looked at me like I had a stroke of genius. The a-ha! and oh yeahs! It was so fun.

We started picking out a ton of shit. S seem a little blown away, mostly by P, prolly by fast he was moving and how quickly and easily he can add everything to the list..

We’ll get that. Maybe two.

Ten of those..



Do you feel like we’re just one mupp? P asks as we trying out sofas.



It was such a magical crazy shopping spree. I’m still blown away by how P is really investing time, thought and energy into the house. This is a first.

And the impetus for it all was for my bday party.

It’s so sweet of him.


I ask, S, the CB2 woman, if she had 2 AA batteries.

Double AA batteries? No, we have light bulbs though.

The batteries in my recorder died (the Amazon batteries suck now)

So I use the iphone voice memos recorder


It recorded us going at mupp speed planning and buying..

Or did it?

When I stopped the recording to start another, I didn’t see the last 50 min recording saved in my library. I grew pale. Did I just lose the last 50 min? Of our magical time together?

P thought I was losing wind because I grew silent and wide-eyed and super sad looking..

I told him what happened, that I think I lost our recording. He starts widening his eyes and walks over to a plant in the corner and starts crying loudly like a baby. I run over and console him and and hold him and tell him don’t worry, I’m sad too. He does this crybaby schtick (often) to snap me out of my mopey mood. It works every time.


I found the goop zabuton that I was eyeing months ago when I saw it in the catalog. I’ve been wanting one after my first silent meditation retreat and have been off from buying a zabuton for a year now, waiting to find the right one that would go with the decor of the house.

P immediately love them, he thinks he need a ton of them to throw in the chill room. They’re 250 each. We get 10 of them.

Ten? Sharon asks.

Yeah, ten.


I think we should go for 5 X 8 rug for the library, P thinks we should get the 8X 10.

Let’s just get both.


How much do think all of this is? P asks. 15K?

Yeah, maybe.


He was close, it was 12,219.94


Do you want rug pads for two pads.

YES, we both said emphatically then looked at each other and laughed at our unibrain.


We were getting rung up at 5:27, just in time to slide into Iyasare as it opens at 5:30.


I got to the studio at 6:40, 5 minutes before my session at 6:45.

Somehow I was able to set up the dungeon and slide into Agent Provocatuer and freshen up my makeup in exactly 5 min.



I had a breakthrough session with J. It was really my shift in perspective on him..



After my 3 hour session was over and I was cleaning up, P got done with hers..

She told me what happened to her in Puerto Rico..

Oh my god…


We chatted for an hour..

She says, it’s all okay, because “I fucking love the truth. When people act on their impulse, it tells me everything I need to know about them.”


I tell her how I’m impressed I am with her.

How all of this is just a testament of how far she’s come.

She started tearing up..



When we parted, I told her this is our year, we’re gonna make magic together..

What I consumed: lemon water, tulsi tea, Belcampo organic beef bone broth (heated with the frother-yum!) with yucan crackers and avocado, coconut oil, mct oil, and real salt, a square of dark chocolate;  walnuts and  blueberries as I picke dup P up; hamachi crudo, fuyu salad, miso cod, nasu miso (eggplant) at Iyasare after our crazy shopping spree at CB2

Thursday, January 31, 2019 10:39am

Moon Room

Dear U,

My body feels light and strange again. Maybe this light and woozy feeling is my light body getting activated.


Oh my goodness, our love right now, it’s so good.



There are so many details I’m leaving out.

I can’t record it all.

I have to pervette

And there’s the house project..

(We’re gonna move all my books..eep!)

And the party planning..

Some ideas came to me last night..

And the guest list. I think I’m not going to uninvite any sexworkers who reached out to me..

That doesn’t feel right.


So much to plan

So much to do

And yet my body and breath wants me to slow down again this morning.


I got to meditate for 33 minutes.


I have yet to get to the future part in pervette.




Dear U,

I feel quiet and restless and slow.


I didn’t get to pervette yet and P is coming home in half an hour.

Where did the time go?

I meditated this morning because my body was telling me to


I met with a landscaper, whose name was also J, the same name as my new gardener.

Unlike my new gardener, this J also specializes in outdoor lighting.

He said my lighting system box was for the irrigation system. I told him I’m 110% certain it’s a lighting system.

He looked at it again. Oh yeah, you’re right. He sounds sheepish..

I felt like he was trying to upsell me for the “really good” lighting system for 4-5K as opposed to the “home depot” one he also offers.

For a house like this, you want something that can last you forever.

I tell him we have two different kinds of lighting systems set up by 2 different sets of landscapers. i show him the system out back by the hot tub.

FX Luminaire, he says, that’s the good stuff, that’s what he uses for his own house.

He says this is a really nice house, was this 900 something? he asks.

It was more than that, I tell him.

He says my current front yard unit isn’t working anymore.

I tell him that I think just the transformer needs to be replaced, which is $137

When you can get this done by..

He says he’s booked tiil March.

I said I need to have these lights installed by next Saturday

He says he can get it done Mon or Tue.

When I come back with a check for his time today, he says he just got a small job in Alameda for early next week. Is this supposed to incentivize me to move faster?

I wonder how he got 127 5-star yelp reviews. Maybe he does decent work, but he comes off as too salesy.

Before his arrival, I considered a new lighting system to replace our not so fancy one in the front yard. But now I’m not so sure.

People’s energy is everything.


Then I chatted with B going over his google doc.

I ask him if the spring rolls feels doable. If not, we can consider all other options. Including Bi-rite catering

He thinks for a bit and says this is different from the parties he’s used to, where it’s sit down and the food is the center of attention.

B talks to slowly for me sometimes, esp today.

After 45 min, we arrive at the same menu as we had planned except I’m going to put in 2 sushi platter orders..


Then I made lunch, chard and mushroom stirfry with fried egg.

I still have a pound of shrimp I got last Friday in the fridge.


I stirfry it up with some garlic and walnuts to see if it’s still good.

Hmm..I didn’t take a bite into it. It seem a little gooey. I toss the stirfry down the garbage disposal.

That’s how I felt about the day.


I meditated again in the moon room, right next to the open glass door, breathing in the fresh air of the surprisingly bright day.

A little bit of anxiety is setting in.

In order to write the Living Guide , I need to slow down, to a meditative state

But all I’m thinking about is party planning, which now includes rearranging the house, outfitting 2 rooms, moving my 1300+ books, Bi-rite party platters, managing the party guest list and a few dozen other tasks.


P is gonna be home in 15.

Someone is coming at 4:30 to pick up the gym equipment.

He put a craigslist ad up last night, we’re giving away our gym equipment. I think P spent 4-5K on it,

And he never used it once (I actually used it a few times when I had a trainer).

Within 30 min, his google voice phone blows up with 50 inquiries..


We’re excited about transforming the gym into a loungey chill room.


How am I supposed to get any pervetting down with all this prepping for the party which feels like one giant task after another?


I’m away of this nervouseness I slightly feel.


P wants me to have dinner with him at N’s tomorrow. His friend, J, is in town from Tokyo.


I need to get out of that.


In spite of the looming anxiety, I feel a sense of calmness within, like I can manage it all if I really try.

But trying means going slow while everything is speeding up.


I feel like it’s all a test..


I haven’t micrdosed today or yesterday, yet I feel like I’m high..



P came home around 4:33

Not a fluid day, lots of hiccups, he says.

Maybe something is in the air?

He gets on his computer, there was something wrong with the link he sent to the investors.

FUCK! he yells. He puts his head in his hands, I stop washing the dishes. I wait for him to tell me what’s wrong as opposed to asking him.

Maybe he lost the financial model file he’s been working in these past few days?

He thought he lost his backup conference call recording (that he made with his iphone with the investors today), which was his only recording since Zoom didn’t record their call.


But then it reappeared..




i woke up from a very vivid telling dream that i can’t remember


akashic records (that came to mind, should look into it)


i saw my next post



I pulled back the curtains and the rising sun looked like the setting sun.

Wow! I tried to get P excited about it..


I went upstairs and started jourmnaling my visions..



P comes up, hello? he says and goes to the library i join him

he says he wants to clear out the day and continue with this house momentum

and find a media unit for the library and low shelving unit for the moon room,

i realize it’s another day of putting off pervette for mupp hq


i thought he would be in the city all day and i can stay home and pervette and maybe even bow out of dinner tonight

but that’s not the case


it’s okay

i gotta catch this wave with him



it’s not only me now who’s moving fast, p is moving even faster

and in the midst of all this, i’m trying to keep my center still




holy fuck,

in the shower

it came to me

the beginning of my speech

and the potential of the party to become a true celebration and expression of pervette

i started getting ideas…

polaroid cameras, recorders, typewriters, yoko ono grapefruit inspired directions


now i realize, preparing for the party is preparing for and creating pervette


my convo with P (my young domme sister) wed night how she felt inspired by my invite to bring her polaroid……

I can use my cameras..

Instead of trying to find the designated photographer, everyone can be the photographer.

I’m seeing that everybody can be the photographer


I see it all coming together, every one coming together to make art and love with me to celebrate

Saturday, Feb 1, 2019


Dear U,

It’s been one non-stop magical mupp day after another..


Yesterday after I wrote to you, I just fully let go of the idea that it was going to be a content creation pervette day. P wants to focus on redecorating and putting together the chill room, then that’s what we’ll do.

I’m grateful that he wants to pour love, time, money, and focused energy into the house. I mean it was only 4 months ago that we were talking about selling the house this past Fall and now here we are going out furniture shopping for the place..


All this furniture shopping reminds me of our Tokyo days when we first started dating and I offered to help decorate his high rise Midtown apt in Roppongi Hills. We had so much fun taking our time going to Lignet Rosset (?), B & B Italia, Minotti, Moteni, all these fancy stores that made us wait 6 months to custom make our sofa, bed, chairs..

And now here we are going at lightning speed through CB2, Urban Outfitters, HD Buttercup, any place that has decent furniture that’s ready to deliver by next week.

It’s a beautiful arc..


This is actually the first time we really put any time and love into decorating the house. The house’s current furnishings were all from our Tokyo apt (funny how just as we got done decorating the Tokyo apt, we got Mupp HQ, and after a half year of leaving the Tokyo apt unlived, we gave it up)


The way we work together as a team now it pretty remarkable. Even in our differing energy levels and ideas and we know how to see the other side



I’m so glad the recorder is constantly going, because there’s so much to capture in these crazy packed days..


This morning I woke up thinking about colors.

what color to pant the mirror room.

P2 is coming over at 9:30 to drop off Cutie and go to the paint store to get the paint of my desired color for the room painting tomorrow. I only have an hour or so to decide.


I was feeling into dusty pink

or light blue gray as P suggested

and dove white


I was playing with the idea of white walls and blue gray ceiling


Or that plus pink trim (too many colors)


Or one accent wall

or even ombre

sunset colors


First thing we did when we got out of bed was boosted our immune system. P made disgusted sounds as he took his shot of diluted apple cinder vinegar

Then came the fire cider and rapid immune booster. P had to lie down on the biomat after that.

He said he’s happy with whatever color I pick, he trusts me..


After playing with all variants of white, light blue gray and pink. I decided to go with pink walls and white ceiling an trim

I was torn between I love you pink and charming pink

I like the name of the former and the color of the latter (which means I should go with the latter) it’s just slightly more grayish purple, a more elegant pink while I love you pink feels a little too nursery pink.

The color number of both pinks start with 207. My birthday is on 2.07


P2 and I talk about Godard, his ideas are inspiring me..


I mediate in the mirror room on the new cushions. It feels so good.




Our first dinner and last dinner was at Gather.

On both nights, we ordered the brussel sprouts mozzarella pizza with pancetta and egg.

And on both occasions they messed up the order and made us a mozarealla pizza with sausage and egg.

I ended up picking the sausage out so I didn’t have any pork on both nights.


Every day/night we’ve been together has been a day/night of filling up the car with tons of party prep stuff.

Wed: CB2 pillows

Thu: Tons of booze and drinks from Costco

Fri: a 12X10 sheepskin rug and carpet pad

Sat: more pillows and a giant rose quartzy like vase and planter from CB2 and these wooden stools made form straight petrified wood at EQ3


How much money has P spent on my bday party?

Wed: 13K at CB2

Thu: $1.3K at Costco

Fri: $2K at Urban Outfitters online; $3K at HD Buttercup

Sat: $2.3K at CB2

So far, over $20K..


This reminds me of Burning Man, how P spent around $60K to make sure our first Burning Man together (and my first time at BM) a really special one..


Sometimes I feel like I’m in between two worlds

There’s my dad who makes just a little more minimum wage and there’s P who can spend more in a hour than my dad can make in a year.

I spend time with P2 who is very much a leftist and there’s P who says we might have to make plans to leave the country if a very leftist politician gets elected as president in 2020 and he has to pay 80% tax.

And there’s me who sits in the middle and listens to each side complain about the other.


It’s all about leverage, P says.


This weekend feels magical because it feels like we’re kids playing with our new toys like the microphone of new flashy lightshow PA system, the Party Rocker Max, running and jumping onto our giant cushions, how ideas come to us and we go with it,  there’s something very carefree and childlike about our teamwork and playtime..



Recurrent muppety themes: Shit & Board (our new name for Room & Board bc their furniture is shitty particle board), Party Rocker Max! (the name of our PA system that P loves saying over and over really loudly on the microphone that came with it), Do you want some sooop? (P makes fun of me and my muppety questions), us swinging around on the hoop and silk and plopping down on the 10 giant cushions we got at CB2

Theme: healthy boundaries, Birthday Party Prep, Shopping Spree Glee, Unimupp brain, tape measures


Back to my previous week