Themes:  Are we all narcissists?  Finally using the podcast gear P got me 5 years ago, collecting mom’s oral history, me and my unprotected sex with my lovers, bliss of seclusion, days of monk moding and pervetting  before the birthday craze, Grandma stopped eating, Will mom and I make it in time Vietnam to say goodbye?, Corona virus epidemic/scare, Party RSVP list is outta control, Birthday party prep, birthday speech?, Pervette launch??, Countdown begins, as things speeed up, I try to slow down, lovers pushing me to show my work/progress and holding me accountable

 

 

Tuesday, 1.28.2020 9:25pm

Orange County

 

Dear U,

I woke up this morning at 9:30 or so, I think. I went slow..

I recorded myself saying out loud my vision, mission, and the why of Pervette..

I kept on saying it over and over until I memorized it. It felt so good to say it. I have to hand it to L5, there’s something about the precise nature of his wording.

.

Then I started packing up the mupp explosion. Everywhere I go, I know how to muppet up a place, this time it’s with my podcast gear, Erewhon snacks, kicky toys and lingerie..

.

I left Santa Monica. Got an Uber down to the OC.

.

Per my conversation with the uber driver last night and his request to give my mom a big hug (when I still can),  I gave my mom a big hug when I saw her even though hugging doesn’t come naturally to her..

I saw the peach blossom branches I got for her. They were in full yellow bloom and in its way   became the centerpiece of the house as I entered. Mom was very pleased that I got out my phone out  and started filming all the flowers she got for the house. She did a good job of tidying up the house and making it pristine for the lunar new year. It’s as though my documenting validated and celebrated all her hard work.

.

She said she doesn’t know what to do if Grandma gets really sick, she’s afraid to fly now that there’s that virus outbreak.

What virus? I asked.

She was shocked, have you not been following the news?

She filled me in on the corona virus. Apparently it’s pretty bad.

.

I had my coaching call with Z. They helped me think through what I need to do re making my offerings known/available. I got so wrapped up in the new front page/community building part of pervette that I kinda forgot about the financial part, of trying to make money to support myself during this time of waiting for the credit card processing application to get approved.

.

P Facetimed me from Tulum. I told him there’s so much to discuss.

The first thing I wanted to tell him was that i had unprotected sex with L5.

He just smiled and laughed at me.

Oh you, you’re such a slutmupp,  I think that’s what he said. He was surprisingly more chill about it than I anticipated.

He said he’s been thinking about wanting to have unprotected sex with his new sugarbaby.

Yeah, fuck condoms, can’t stand that shit, I said, kinda jokingly, but not really. I hope we can break this protected sex rule. Because I really want to have unprotected sex with A and L5.

.

His sugarbaby , C, was coming out of the shower, I said Hi to her over Facetime and we both were excited to see each other next week at the bday party. We talked about our Vietnamesey family’s Chinese New Year supersittions..

I love how open this relationship is.

.

 

Mom got ready pretty late and we left the house around 5 to the seamstress’ place around 5 to pick up t he 50 lace veils and the 4 dresses I got made. Funny how by the time mom gets ready and leaves the house, it’s always around the time people are getting off work. My sense of time and the flow of day and productivity feels so strangely nonexistent around her. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t go to work.

.

The seamstress was still working on the tassels of my silk dresses when we got there. I tried on the silk dresses she made. She did a great job of replicating my gold dress and modifying it so it fits me even better than the original dress.

She did a great job with the organza material.

And the lace veils look pretty good. My only silent complaint is she picked out a black ribbon that has the words “bisou” printed on it, which looks kinda tacky, but I can easily replace that myself.

.

While she worked on the tassels, her and my mom gossiped about my stepdad’s daughter, who’s sort a very minor celebrity in the Vietnamese community. They shake their heads over her distasteful youtube channel. She’s a vehement Trump supporter and goes on these rants talking down on anyone in the Vietnamese community who speaks ill of his policy, even the deportation policy.

.

They show me how latest youtube video of her going to the temple on Chinese New Year wearing her traditional Ao Dai Vietnamese dress and donning a gas mask, with commentary on the Corona Virus in the OC.

She’s trying to be sensational, they say, but she looks ridiculous.

.

An hour later, she’s done with the tassels, I pay her 575 for 50 lace veils and 4 dresses. Not bad.

.

We got home and mom heated up all the food she made her Chinese New Year. The traditional thit ko, caramelized pork ribs and egg she made was yummy. I haven’t had it in years. She also made some cabbage consomme soup and cut up some cucumbers and cha lua. It was so nice eating her home cooked food, it’s rare that she cooks. It’s only on New Years that she makes this particular meal. I haven’t been home on or near Chinese New Year in years, what a lovely treat. Mom was very excited to share with me the recipe. She asks if I want to take some of the thit ko back with me home. She already portioned some out in the tupperware and froze them.

.

A meditative spell came over me earlier in the evening. I feel this deep tranquility being home with my mom. I like dropping in every two weeks as I have this year so far. I can tell she likes having me around.

.

I just busted out my podcast gear. I’m gonna see if she’s open to having me collect her oral history.

.

On the car ride back, I asked her to translate for the words oral history for me. it was my way of priming her for it..

.

 

Wednesday, 1.29.2020

 

Went into the garden with mom to pick the last guavas of the season.

She peels and dices pomelos and guavas from the garden for me.

.

She slept on her right arm funny and it’s been sore for a few days. I offered to massage it, she said it’s okay, she can do it herself. I took initiative and said I want to. So he pointed me to the cream and I got to massage the knot on her arm.

.

I ate more of her thit ko (caramelized pork). I know it’s not grass-fed or finished. But it didn’t matter. I see things and acts as symbols. This was her love. I’m receiving.

.

As she was peeling the pomelos foe me she waxed regretful for not buying a house in the Bay Area in 2011. In that way I would have a home of my own right now.

Why did he buy this house here in Yorba Linda when we shoulda bought one up there? she asked.

Because L7 (my sister) was living down here at the time, and you didn’t want her to sublet, remember? I reminded her,

I wish I planned it better.

It’s okay, you didn’t know. I said. I didn’t feel like recapitulating to  her the sequence of events, how I saw it, how everything unfolded in the way that it should be, even until now.

.

In the last hour, I got mom to sit at the kitchen island with me and talk to the serious looking podcast microphones. I begin to ask her questions about the time when she was born and about 1975. At first she was trying to give me the historical context, thinking that’s what i wanted. I then shifted asking her what did it feel like, where was she when she found out the war was over, when the south gave in, when they lost the country they knew..

.

Collecting stories, piecing together history is connection is magic.

.

It was 3:40 when I had to stop the interview. My flight was at 5:30.

.

I got an Uber and dashed off. At JSX, I learned that S3’s bday heart opening ceremony that was scheduled for tonight was postponed. I was quite happy to learn that. It felt too squishy to run from airport to S3’s to do M at 9:30pm and go until early morning.

That would’ve wrecked my focus for all of Thursday.

.

Time is absolutrly of the essense right now.

.

I meditated with the guru remotely on the flight back, which was tricky because I wanted to open my eyes and catch the sunset blu red and orange outside my window.

.

P2 picked me and Cutie up. How did I manage to come back with more luggage than when I left?

The pomelos and cara  cara’s mom gave me from her garden. ANd the last best guava from her garden, she gave to me.

The Hasten’s slippers and booties that L5 gave me.

The maca, and cacao powder I got at Erewhon.

The silk dresses and 50 lace veils

That on top of the crazy heavy podcast gear..

.

That’s  how I have 70 pounds of luggage with me for a 3.5 day trip.

.

P2 and I caught up in the car ride. I told him about L5 and the narcissism I see in him and myself.

.

He said he saw a  new domme this past week and she’s a self-identified raging narcissist.

.

Maybe we all are narcissists to some degree, hard not to be in the day and age of the selfie and social media..

.

Actually every Domme is a narcissist, come to think of it..

.

What happened to A? P2 asked. You don’t talk about him in your journal anymore that there’s L5.

Oh right. I’m going to see him tomorrow.

.

 

P2 had watered my plants, taken out the trash when I was away.

He gave me a book he was going to give me for my bday  but it was too used and tattered so he’s giving it to me sooner..

The DInner Party: A Symbol of our Heritage by Judy Chicago.

I flipped through it. Whoa. Pervette inspo. It’s perfect that he’s giving it to me now..

.

After P2 left,

I replied to L5’s texts, he saw the videos I made and loved them..He has an important week ahead with some lawsuit and a Swedish childhood friend is visiting him. I can tell he’s priming me for the upcoming silence, which I happily welcome. I don’t have time to send sexy voice messages to him. I need to focus so  hard right now..

I’ll see him next at my bday party, he asks for a good nearby hotel rec. I suggested The Claremont.

.

I then went to Party Oasis.com and ordered about a hundred masquerade masks.

.

I listened to the Jhanas course.

The topic was on common pitfalls in Jhanas practice.

One of them is the use of drugs.

Another is practicing to chase a spiritual high.

.

I’m guilty of both.

.

I fell asleep early at 11:44ish

Thursday, 1.30.2020

 

Dear U,

It’s nice to be back. I got a good 8 hours of sleep. woke up to my routine. Meditation, masturbation, walk/run in the woods. I wrote another post for the Timely page. I have this thing where I can’t seem to finalize and finish my writing.. There’s two undone posts. I feel like Pervette really captures my ADHD tendencies.

.

I decided I shoud post something on social media. I’ve been absent for 2 or 3 weeks now. I can postpone it till next week. But I shouldn’t. I can’t stand how much time it takes for me to post something. The perfectionist in me doesn’t compute well with IG and esp Twitter. SInce you can’t edit what you tweet. It’s too ultimate.

.

I posted my bday invites form the last 3 years. Then I spontaneously decided to write in the caption, that if you’re  a pervy SW and wanna come join the party, reach out to me through Pervette.

It felt like I was guided to add that to the end.

.

That was a great idea. Because some really awesome dommes contacted me through Pervette.

.

I went for a quick magic hour walk. Meditated with the guru  remotely from 5:30p6. Made a kale salad. Spoke to a potential sub that I met through CMB. He stutters a little. He was sweet to Vnemo me a tribute just for fun.

I told him I haven’t taken on  a new client in a while. I’m happy to break out of my sabbatical with him.

My rate coming back into the scene is 700/hr. Feels good.
I can’t wait to raise it to 1111/hr. Maybe by the end of the year, I’ll feel ready to.

How a SW values her time is directly correlated to  her rate.

Maybe it should be 1111 now.

.

How many times will I give myself an enema, just in case we go there?

Better safe than sorry.

.

I shower. Get ready. Head over to A’s. Arrive at 8:44pm.

.

He was layingon the ground when I came in. Shirtless. His body looks even more defined since I saw him last. He had cut his hair short. God, he’s so handsome, it’s insane.

I’ve been so wrapped up with my new fling, L5, I’ve forgotten how amazing it is to be in the presence of A. He’s so grounded, centered and balanced. I love his energy.

.

I brought for him a cara cara and pomelo form my mom’s garden. It’s some strange ritual I developed for the past 5 years. I always bring fruit to A when I see him. He loves fruit. I feel like it’s a ritual carried over from a past life.

.

It’s been 2 weeks since we’ve seen each other. I like how it was he who had asked me what my schedule was like last Saturday. In my mind I guess I’m still keeping track of who wants who more.

.

We caught up. He tore out his kitchen countertop and put in a new one all by himself. He;s been surfing, hence his chiseled body. He’s so fucking manly, I  love it.

.

I tell him that “I want to take responsibility and tell you that I had unprotected sex this past Sunday.”

Somehow when you add “I want to take responsibility” to any confession, it just elevates the confession to a level of high integrity.

I told him L5  got tested on Jan 4th and is clean, the girl he hooked up with got tested on Dec 15th and is clean. Somehow being able to dispense all this info makes everything so much better.

A was happy to hear all that. I told him that I told P about it too. And he wa very cool about it.

Did you tell him about our unprotected sex? A asked.

Umm, no. I said. (SO much for my high integrity)

So it’s a half truth. he says, I’m totally okay with that.

I already told him we had unprotected sex like last year. Can’t it just carry over? I justify.

Ou unprotected sex felt so good, A said.

I know..

.

 

Besides I feel like I should full sovereignty over my body, it’s not like P and I have sex that often that it even matters who I have unprotected sex with. I’m gonna have a talk with him about that.

I push boundaries without even trying.

.

 

.

 

 

What are all the different types of kisses? He asks. And we enumerate and demonstrate. There’s the short peck.

The long peck.

The French  Kiss

The Deep South?

And there’s the Teeth Cleaner. A demonstrated. I realize he’s joking.

.

He pulls my tank so that my breast slips out and he touches it. He says he loves my body, my perfect breasts, my flat tummy, my thighs. I’m glad he;s saying all this bc I feel like I’ve overeaten in the the past 2 days and I wish I was slighter in frame.

.

I deep throated A. I made it all the way down to th e base of his cock and held it there for a good 15 sec. A was impressed. I think  it  was my angle.

Now that I think about it I didn’t go down on L5 once. He went down on me like crazy. Is he the narcissist or is it me? I mean he was the one showering me with gifts and pleasure. And I was the one calling him a narcissist, after all that. I think  I w as thinking all this when I was going down on A.

.

I told A that being with others makes me appreciate him so much. I think he was happy to hear that.

I told A about L5. How the second time I saw him I thought he was a narcissist. He said it’s great  that I can spot t hem so quickly. It took him a year to realize he  was dating one. That was his last last gf.

.

I tell A that I fear I might be one. He says I’m not, because I’m very aware of concerned of other’s feelings. We look up what a narcissist is..

Okay, maybe I’m not. I feel better.

.

We made love, just to be safe, we used protection. It was hard, deep and lovely. Afterwards, I laid in his arms. and he pontificated on this realization he had. That there are these kernals of truths that if one internalizes, they can be a force:

  1. They have extreme confidence in themselves
  2. That with focus, anything can be achieved
  3. The  world is malleable.

I think we both hold those truths.

.

Am I talking too much?  A asks.

Not at all, I said. I admire and respect you. I said.

I feel the same, he said.

I want to hear everything that ‘s inside your head.

.

I took off around 11:33.

Home around midnight.

I like how being with A can take my mind off of L5.

.

Some part of me doesn’t want to be wrapped up in L5’s vortex. His touch feels too dangerously good. And I desire it too much that he’s making me self-conscious. He’s 31 for crying out loud. WHo is this  guy that’s making me lose control.

Anyways, I like A”s cock and energy inside me. It feels like it’s erasing the chemistry of L5’s.

I like how A laughed at the pronunciation of L5’s name and refuses to say his name correctly. It hints at his jealousy and at the same time, I think I needed another to take L5 down a notch for me.

.

 

 

 

Friday, 1.31.2020  8:39pm

Dear U,

I woke up fairly early 7:47 for having done to bed at 1:54am.

I masturbated. Got up. Meditated. Went for a run/walk though the woods.

I was kinda struggling with how to invite peeps to be a part of pervette. I pratyed at the Guan yin altar.

I replied to an email from one of the girls at Girl Gotta Eat podcast. A2 introduced me to them and they want to to interview me. To  show  them I’m a good fit for their show, I told them that I’m planning on creating the Dominatrix’ Guide to Dating, Sex and Intimacy once I launch Pervette next week.

I have this tendency to think of these “great ideas” off the cuff. I realize A-ha. That’s how I will bring people into Pervette. I will share mine and gather people’s wisdom on intimacy and weave them all together.

 

Then I started writing the Intimacy piece of Pervette. It started to flow. It’s neat how my prayers were answered so quickly..

.

Made myself a bone broth, kale salad.  I decided to make soem maca bars for Q. I’m gonna see her at 4pm.

.

I was on time. Which was very rare for me.

Her home was lakeside and lovely. She fixed me some kava. We enjoyed  it with the maca bars and theHoney Mama’s she got. This reminded me of the maca bars and honey mama’s I had at L5’s this past Sunday.

.

We caught up. She shared with me so much good stuff/pervette inspo. Which got me thinking about how to invite people into pervette..Submission guidelines…advice on how to have difficult conversations..

We had lots of snacks: kava, maca bars, honey mama’s chocolate, congee from The Well.

It’s rare for me to find someone who is even more attentive I am to another’s needs. She says it’s because she’s a Libra.

We talked about having a gathering..

 

.

Saturday,  Feb 1, 2020

Monk mode and creative flow with Pervette

Farmer’s market and three stone hearth to stockup  on bone broth…

 

Sunday, Feb 2, 2020

Spiritual creative high. No appetite. I’m channeling..

Pervetting all day..

Writing, recording, creating pervette pages and paths..

Monday, Feb 1, 2020

 

In flow.

Mom calls, Grandma stopped eating. We don’t have time.

I said I’m committed to teaching at A2’s Breakup Bootcamp on the 16th, can we fly out the day after?

Mom is concerned that might be too late..

.

It’s a strange thing to get off that call with mom then go to Masse’s Bakery to order two birthday cakes..

.

Then  I went to Books Inc. I buy 4 books.

Foucault’s History of Sexuality

History of Cinema

Rumi Illuminated

Dante’s Inferno.

.

I’m going through all the feelings and moods. Sadness that grandma is dying.

But I’m still so focused on Pervette

.

I’ve had no appetite these past few days. Maybe at the same time when grandma had no strength to eat..

.

I call M6 and tell him that I don’t want to co-work and parallel play tomorrow. I need more time alone.

He  tries to convince me otherwise.

I’m firm on decision.

He sounds hurt and disappointed.

.

You learn a lot about someone in how they respond to No.

.

 

 

Tuesday, Feb. 4, 2020  12:00pm

 

Dear U,

I like I’m being guided by spirits. I’m moving as fast as I can with  Pervette, but I’m doing it with ease, focus and clarity.

.

At every moment, I know exactly what i need to do next with Pervette.

.

Directives appear to me, they feel like an a-ha, and then I follow..

.

I just had this thought, maybe I don’t need to wait till after I teach my workshop on the 16th to go home to visit grandma. Maybe I’ll take off the day after my party, the 9th and fly to Vietnam, with my mom. And come back on the 15th. That feels crazy short. But I would regret it if my mom had to wait for the day after my workshop to go back to Vietnam. That might be too late.

.

Gonna call mom now to find out how grandma is doing, and if we ought to leave next week..

.

12:38am

 

I called mom. Told her I can fly down  the day after my party (SUnday)and we can fly out of LAX to Vietnam. I would pretty much escort her to my grandma’s house, be there for 2-3 days  and then fly back by Saturday so I can teach my Breakup sessions on Sunday.

And then I would fly back to Vietnam a week later to spend more time in Vietnam snd come back home  with my mom. Part of the reason why I’m making these 2 trips is because my mom feels like she can’t travel by herself. Her english isn’t that great, and she’s very fear-based when it comes to dealing with anything outside the comfort of her home.

.

My sister can’t go because of work. My stepdad can’t go with her because he’s really sick with the flu, which she’s actively trying to avoid getting, since if she gets the flu and gets on the flu, we might get quarantined.

.

This whole corona virus is complicating everything even more.

 

She was really happy to hear that I was willing and ready to leave with her the day after my party, which is the day when she had originally wanted to head out to Vietnam.

I told her I was gonna look into flights..

.

I posted a story on IG, as part of what I told A I was going to do to get my numbers up for Pervette, which is working. Posting stories on IG feels easy, since it’s so impermanent.

.

I read some poetry and masturbated, and recorded all of it. Possible pervette content. Am I crazy to think that people might want to hear this?

.

I talk to P, he says it feels good that I’m taking off sooner for Vietnam. Even though it’s gonna be one insane weekend and following week, from party to plane to vietnam. Be there for a few days and then back to the bay by end of week to teach at the bootcamp..

.

Run/walk in the woods at sunset. Meditate remotely with the guru and group

.

Mom called and said she was really happy that I was willing to fly out with her so soon, but she thinks we should wait till after my bootcamp workshop, she doesn’t want me to fly back and forth twice to Vietnam esp with this Corona epidemic, wher eI’m increasing my odds of getting infected or quarantined. She said that after I called she reflected on it, and decided that if fate allowed her to see her mom before she passes that’s great, but she’s now okay if fate and this epidemic hinders her from saying goodbye one last time.

The  schools are closed now in Vietnam, the situation has escalated there. This is not a good time to be traveling there..

.

I’m so glad I had that insight to go to Vietnam earlier. It made mom feel supported. And it gave her the options to choose from and to reflect on.. And arrive at this equanimous place to either be there to say goodbye to her mom or not..

.

I blast out the bday party details and do a rsvp count..

Holy fuck..I totally underestimated the RSVP number..

130??

We were aiming for 60-70. Oh shit.

.

P Facetimes.. I do a final count with him.. 43, 44..

44, that’s not bad, he  says.

No, that’s just the second column. that plus 83.

What???

ANd I’m not even done tallying it  all up..

.

He says I gotta scale back and break the news to people.. and tell them no +1’s.

I have my hand to my head..he laughs at my mupp situation..

.

So I text to a few dozen, to let them know..that the party has ballooned beyond capacity by 2X.

.

.

 

 

Wednesday, Feb 5, 2020 10:20pm

 

Dear U,

 

P came in today.. I picked him up at JSX.

It was so good to see him. We kinda missed each other.

We reflected, We’ve only had three meals with each other since our time in Bali during Thanksgiving.

But somehow that feels about right.

.

P and I joke about how  cool he is with me having unprotected sex with TWO  of my lovers..

.

We talk about our paramours over lunch at Belcampo.

.

He takes off for the city.

 

I go to yoga.  I  haven’t been t hat active lately. All this monk moding makes me feels soft. And not ready for latex this Saturday.

.

I tidy up the house. I only had one sorta small mupp pile of pens, markers, and notebooks and bookmarks and scraps of paper by the wet bar. When P came back from dinner, that’s what he noticed and shook his head at, me and my mupp hoarding, he says.

 

.

 

I’ve been so pumped to give this bday party speech, until tonight, when I talked to P…

He’s been making fun of and reminding me of my MDMA speech last year, at my flopped attempt to start an orgy..

Yeah, it was an awkward end…

I cringe and coil up and scream nooo  stop every time he starts mimicking me.

.

I tell him that I want to talk about pervette this year. He reminds me that this is a party where everyone is gonna be on drugs and says I should limit it to 2 min and just say thanks for coming..

.

He definitely took the wind out of my sail. And is making me doubt myself…I’m questioning everything. Is my speech gonna sound crazy? Am I gonna come off as a weirdo narcissist talking about my passion project that no one cares about?

.

What am I doing? Do I really think I can change the world around me with this website that I’m building?

Am I nuts??

.

I had so much momentum going for these past few days and weeks up until just an hour ago..

.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t been around P at all these past few months. I can feel his doubt. It makes me second guess myself.

If I was around this doubty energy, I wouldn’t  have been able to push myself as hard as I have been these past few months..

.

For me this birthday is more about Pervette’s birthday than my own. Or the two is so conflated it’s like one.

.

I actually feel nauseous. Like at I’m at odds with myself. Am I crazy to think I can pull this off?

.

Pervette = Matriarchal revolution ?

AM I NUTS?

It’s insane how just one conversation with P can turn everything upside down.

.

It’s compounded by the fact that after I blasted out the party details/pervette page to all my friends, I’m not getting any feedback. And from what I can see, no one has signed up to be voyeur.

Maybe the non feedback is feedback in itself. I have so much work to do..

.

It’s okay. Even though I feel doubt and uncertainty. And I’m questioning everything I’m doing..

And wondering, what do my friends really think of Pervette?  Do they think I’m nuts?

In spite of all these thoughts..

I still believe in myself. I mean, I have to.

.

 

 

Thursday, Feb 5, 2020 6:17pm

 

Dear U,

T-1 day till birthday..

T-2 days till party..

I’m feeling everything today..From doubt and anxiety to ease, focus, determination.

.

Woke up with P at 6:15am. I got 6 hours of sleep. Didn’t really make up for the 3 hours of sleep the night before. But that’s just how it’s been. I go to bed and wake up wired.

.

P and I had our fun pillow talk in bed. We talked about the thrill of our  new relationship energy with our respective paramours. Funny how they’re both younger and have busy lives, so we both know not to get too invested in them. We talk about how hot our sex is. P enjoys “knocking the back out of her.” And I enjoy my primal sex with L5. I love how we can talk about this with each other.

P says he wants to fuck me too. I said sure, but I think  it’s important that we try to get into foreplay with each other. I think the lack of it in our sex over time is what  attributed to our lack of desire for making love with each other. We got lazy.

.

We talk about evolution and why it makes sense that this is how the trend-line is for most couples in long term relationship..

I think about the creative challenge of solving this problem of sexlesssness in long term relationships.

.

P and I have this running joke of “this is why we don’t have sex” as he points to my totally andro not sexy ways when I’m in mupp mode wit him.

.

At the cafe, I checked my IG, my last post of my bday party invites got deleted. Oh shit, I totally forgot to censor my nipples..crazy how that totally slipped my mind. Whenever I get that message from IG that I violated community guidelines and my post gets deleted, I feel a short of cortisol through my body.

Am I shadowbanned now?

.

P and I decided to hit up Costco first thing, we were there when they opened their doors at 9am.

The last time we were at Costco it was last year for my party. It’s been a ritual now. And the only reason why I have a Costco membership.

We got a ton of booze, liquor, champagne, wine, beer, water..  I like how we both opt for the fancier labels. Just feels right to do it classy.

Total: 1630. Not bad

.

P does his masterful tetris thing with fitting all the drinks and supplies in the trunk and back seat.

.

When we came back P2 was painting the front wall of our house.

He asked when’s a good time to give me my bday present..

.

P2 gave me my bday presents.. 2 books on the Vietnam War by Salisbury, Cutie stickers, a beautiful granite coaster, Frida Kahlo’s memoir, and a notebook he filled up with handwritten notes on his thoughts on Cutie..I loved everything so much, esp the Cutie notebook, I was so touched by his thoughtfulness, it moved me to tears..

.

P2 also gave me a pep talk as I was feeling doubtful about my speech..

He says everybody at the parry loves and of course they want to hear what I have to say..

I needed to hear that..

.

I told P how his words yesterday made me doubt everything. He felt bad and he said that wasn’t his intention, he just wanted me to be mindful of the context that it’s a drug infused party and people’s attention span will be limited.

.

P likes that my plan is to only fuck girls at the party. That makes him feel good and secure.

I’m glad.

.

We went to the storage unit to pick up the bins of barternder/ party supplies. Then P took off for the cit.y

I got a manicure.

Napped on the slantboard for 30 min

L5 called wanting to make sure he dresses appropriately for the party. He also wants to be mindful of my relationship with P and asks how  he should behave at the party.

I told him I’m planning to only hook up with girls and we can kiss and makeout and stuff.

I like how thoughtful he is..

.

I go for a sunset walk

I meditate with the guru remotely

I go to Barre. Gotta get in decent shape to fit into my latex.

.

I work on my speech a little. I’m anxious.. How do I give a speech that can inspire both a movement and an orgy?

.

I’m so glad we gave me an out for tonight’s dinner with his friends. I’m glad I had this time to self..

.

I’m collecting myself again. It’s getting down to the wire. Of course I had to have a moment of serious doubt. Am I really gonna put myself out there? Pervette and the bday speech, too super vulnerable things to me..

I gotta believe in myself.

 

.

I’m so grateful that so many friends are reaching out wanting to help shoot/ document the night, gelp set up for the party.

.

After sending out a blast of party details texts to 100+ people I’m also fielding a ton of replies, having to turn away +1’s.

Every year, I have to manage the numbers. I think it’s not a bad thing I have to say no.

.

It is crazy how this annual bday party has taken on an epic feel, it’s become a thing now, that people talk about and get excited about.. I love that..

.

P comes home as I’m wearing my veil, going through parts of my speech. He thinks I’m hilarious.

We muppet and joke around in bed..

Our whole existence feels like a muppety sitcom.

He goes to bed

I go upstairs, try to reply to everyone, I text Midori, asking her if she wants to be intereviewed for my podcast and I invite her to the party. I know the party is beyond capacity. But she’s a legend.

.

Right now I have only some parts of my speech ready. Not the meat of it. I have a full day ahead of me. Party prep. I coming in, doing a shoot and podcast with her..

Pervette is not quite ready to be launched, I don’t think. There’s still so much to write..

I gotta post on social media..

Fuck, it’s a little overwhelming. But I can do it..

 

3:43am

 

Dear U,

Holy fuck. I’m still up.

After I wrote you, A texted asking if there’s anything he can do to help with the party.

I said if he’s free, maybe we chat. I ‘m feeling the pressure and it might help to have a pep talk from the master of pulling things off under pressure might help.

So he called me, at midnight..

.

I told him my dilemmna. That I want to give a speech that tells everyone why  I need them to build Pervette with me. But P thinks I should only take 2 min to give my speech. A laughed.

He tihnks that I can get all my points out there in a  short period of time. Just focus on 3 points he says..

.

He  was telling me about his day.and what he learned form his meeting with one of his investors. who happens to be one of the top investors in the world.

You have to ask and be bold, he  says.

The secrets are just below the surface and you have to do that extra bit of work to get there..

.

I felt myself  growing calm and confident as we talked

.After we hung up,

I started writing an ssaying out loud what wanted to come out..

And three hours later,

I had my speech..

 

.

Even the last part, where I thanked P for making all of this possible.