Sunday, Jan. 6, 2019 7:46pm


Dear U,

I woke up around 7 this morning, even though I went to bed at 1:38am. I have so much energy, I think it’s from Aya, she’s still in me.

I broke my aya dieta yesterday by masturbating, so I might as well again, because I was in the mood.  I came pretty hard, visioning myself here at my computer, connecting to you and multitudes of people. And I saw myself at Q&A’s thoughtfully answering people’s questions (maybe this was inspired by Matt Green’s Q&A I was at last night after the showing). Anyways, when I masturbate to the thought of my fantasy future, I call it a “sex magick ritual.”  In that way my masturbation feels slightly less (or more?) masturbatory and more fruitful.


I’m still on this crazy manic high. I think it’s from the synchronicity of meeting Matt Green last night and him agreeing to having me interview him. When these things happen, I feel like there’s some divine guiding me to where I ought to be to meet the peeps I ought to meet to create something larger than myself.


I’m a teleologist. I really do think everything happens for a reason. When I meet someone in a strangely coincidental way I believe we were meant to connect and create something together.

In a way, it sounds very evolutionary.

The notion that of connecting and creating


For the sapiosexual, this is how I get off.

Fantasizing about how we’re going to connect.

Thinking about how amazing and awesome our baby is going to be.


Fucking for me is us making art together.


P called me just as I was project planning Pervette in my cool new (Poketo) Project Planner (that I gave my sister fro Christmas which she gave back to me).


P sounded a little lost. He had smoked cannabis last night. Just 2 hits he said. Then this morning he was feeling so he went on Seeking Arrangement.

I suspended any tone or word of judgement. I stayed curious. Even though I was slightly disappointed that he broke his dieta with cannabis and kinda fell back into his old default escapist habits.

He thought he was gonna meet up with our friend N, who was visiting from Berlin, but she didn’t reply to his email yesterday, which left him nonplussed.

And then our Aya shaman, C, never got back to him after he replied to her check-in email.

I think not hearing back from N and C, he got anxious, smoked, and the weed broke his Aya high, and in his morning after fog, he reached for Seeking Arrangement and now is feeling a little ashamed.

I explained away C and N’s lack of reply. Artists. We’re not good with tech and texts stuff.

We talked for 44 min. In the end he felt better. I slightly lost my crazy high energy to work on pervette. But I was still manic. I cracked into some red walnuts (S2 gave me) and ate a few (even though it was 9am and I was trying to intermittent fast) just to ground me. It helped.


I finished mapping out my pervette launch plan. Holy shit. I have work to do. In one month’s time. I can feel the pressure. It’s exciting me.


Earlier this morning..

I tidy up the place. G comes over at 10:44. She looks amazing. She’s lost 35 pounds. She’s cut out sugar and alcohol. I’m so impressed. I tell her proud I am of her. And how her energy feels so good.


We have a dungeonomics and business of our lives meeting. I took notes and had the recorder going.


Action items: Change locks, joint photoshoot, new flooring in bathroom, new vanity in dressing room, make our studio a space of community..


Both G and my sis are in the process of decluttering and they both can’t seem to find their copy of Mario Kondo’s The Magical Art of Tidying Up

which I guess means they ought to continue tidying up until the book magically appears


Just as G was leaving, L arrives. I offer to drive us down to Rockridge.

On the ride down we talk to mom, who’s very happy with the bathroom remodel.

We slide into two bar seats at Ramen Shop and indulge get 2 meyer lemon shoyu ramens, I add an extra egg to mine  (it’s a new moon so we can’t eat meat, says mom)


I drop L off to get in the line for the box office in the rain as I find parking.


I found a spot nearby on Ashby right in front of my favorite bookstore, Lewin’s Metaphysical Books.

To my dismay, it went out of business. The store was completely empty with a For Lease sign on the window. It looks so strange all cleaned out.

What happened?

I love that store. And Y, the 70 or 80 year old woman who runs the shop, loves me, or so she said, I was her favorite customer.

I was that girl who would spend around 300 or 400 on books every time I dropped in.

I wanted every book in that store.

She would let me pick out a box full of reiki infused candles and gift them to me as she rung me up and do the taxes with a calculator. Every receipt was written by hand

It was there that I got my giant The Red Book by Carl Jung.


Where is Y? And where did all her books go?


The woman who manages the Elmwood theatre recognized me from last night. She asked if I was going to interview Matt Green. I said yes.

She told me to let her know when the interview is up on my site and shell circulate it at the theatre.

I don’t know how she’s going to receive Pervette.


I always get emotional in the beginning of these rising star films. When you can see the potential coming into bloom. I think it resonates with some part of me that longs to be the girl who finds herself being appreciated for her talent and dedication.


After the film, on our way to the car, I stepped into the mini grocery/deli next the shop formerly known as Lewin’s Metaphysical Books and by the cashier, I looked for anything decent to buy just for the sake of buying something. I grabbed a bag of walnuts and Inka plantain chips.


The woman in front of me told the cashier she’s making dinner for her friend who just went into labor today.


When the NYer sounding cashier (whom I chatted with before) rung me up, I asked about Y and the bookstore.

She died. Over 8 months ago.

Oh no, really? How?

She was old. I’m happy for her.. She died the way she wanted to die. In her own home.

Oh that’s good. What happened to the store?

I told her, when she was alive, to let me take over it, and she said, (he mimicked her) over my dead body. He shakes his head. If she she knew what was going on now, she would’ve died twice.

Really? Why?

She always had this dream that the store would be here forever, like a museum. But she never wrote a will. When she died, she left an heir of 4 to 5 million dollars and it went to her niece and nephew who were fighting over it, who already have several millions themselves. And so they sold the building and are splitting the money.

And where did the books go? I asked.

This is what would’ve killed her twice. She’s been collecting those books for over 40 years. And they sold it, 5 cents to a dollar to another bookstore.

Oh man. Do you know what bookstore?

Uhh, I can’t remember. It’s not a metaphysical book store. It’s a bookstore that probably now has a extended metaphysical section. There’s not too many metaphysical bookstores. Except for that one on Valencia in the mission, that also sells herbs and candles, y’now what I’m talking about?

I’m not sure. Thanks for filling me in.  Have a good one!


On the drive back, I thought about the woulda’s and shoulda’s, I should’ve frequented Lewin’s more often, really befriended Y and be the heir to her bookstore, which I would’ve happily kept alive. I would’ve made it into a really cool art/book shop.


We we got back to my place I showed L how to use the Ember mug. P2 arrives at 4 punctually, he helps L carry in the bags of wooden hangers she’s offloading onto me because she got more spatially efficient velvet ones.

She returns the pink custom made zafu I gave her for her birthday last year. She doesn’t have space for it, she says. I happily take it back.


L leaves as P2 does his chores and we we have a visit, talking about how magical Cutie is. How she helped him find the perfect Anne Sexton poem to go with the photo he took of her on a chalk drawing of a butterfly.

Just as I was recounting my night last night, Matt Green texted.

(It feels weird to write out people’s names here, should I just call him MG? Or M?)


P2 says there’s a theme of longing in my writing.

Longing to have a good relationship

With L, my sister

With A, my lover

With P, my partner

With Her..


After P2 helps me put on the duvet cover, I release him


I reply to MG.

Hi M, I’ll be coming from Berkeley via car and can meet you mostly anywhere, where are you coming from?

And what time is your flight?


I had this idea to color code my yearly planner day squares to indicate on each day if..

I meditated (blue on top), exercised (green on bottom), worked on pervette (pink on left) and ate right (yellow on right).

I was testing out different markers and highlighters and it kinda looks a little sloppy and inconsistent. I’m tempted for a split sec to buy a whole new project planner and start over but decided to override my OCD craziness and roll with the wabisabi-ness of it.


I marked blue on top for today, which means I just committed to meditating, so I did. By the Guanyin altar, on the pink zafu L returned.


In my meditation, I mulled over by reply to MG.


I’ll be coming..via car

Why did I add via car?

Hello. The guy is a walker and is into public transportation.

Now I just sound like an elitist car snob.


I can meet you mostly anywhere

Why did I add mostly?

Meaning I won’t meet in him in some places if it’s not convenient for me?

C’mon. He’s the one going out of his way to meet with me.


Where are you coming from?

What time is your flight?

Why am I asking so many questions?

As in I don’t trust his judgment to pick the right place for us to meet?


I should’ve just said.

I’ll be coming from Berkeley. How about you?


I kinda feel like I slightly blew it.



MG wrote back. Everything’s fine.

He’s in Oakland.

Which is perfect.


I proposed that we meet at my studio “which has decent acoustics for the interview”


I debated for a minute between calling it my studio or dungeon.

I went with studio.


I feel like a predator inviting the unwitting prey into my lair..


I’m down to my last meyer lemon.

Right before the holidaze, S2 gave me a few dozen meyer lemons he picked from a tree for me. I brought all of them down with me to Santa Monica, then Orange County, then back to Santa Monica. I eventually brought 9 back with me to Berkeley.

And now I have one.


I didn’t crank out any pages on pervette today.

I was busy with G, L, and P2 and then journaling about my day.


I realize, from now on, I have to choose..

Between writing here in my journal to you in detail

Or cranking out pages on the main Pervette path..


Sorry, I gotta go. And at least create one new page..



What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, red walnuts, veggie soup I made, veggie ramen at Ramen Shop (with my sis), 2 squares of Addictive Wellness Love chocolate (during the film), a sample of a sesame bar at the market next to Lewin’s bookstore, Inka plantian chips (shred with L), more veggie soup, raspberries and blackberries, more red walnuts, lemon water

What I bought:  $240 on Agent Provocatuer’s Blyth criss cross bra and thong (I can explain, it’s on sale! And I’ve been eyeing this bra daily for over a week,, it’s been sold out for a while, miraculously, they had one in stock in sorta my size today, I had to grab it, and I’m done with lingerie buying (for now)); $25 on two matinee tickets to catch a A Star is Born with my sis at the Elmwood theatre

I exercised (for 20 min), I meditated (for 22 min), I had ramen which was off diet and I didn’t really intermittent fast. I didn’t really create new content for pervette other than journaling here.

Monday, Jan 7, 2019 2:11pm


Dear U,

I woke up to an alarm at 6:30 this morning. I went to bed around 2pm. I was up late coming up with interview questions to ask MG.

I showered, got ready, made rooibos and honeybush tea and poured them into thermoses for me and M. I also prepared an airplane snack bag for M, some raspberries, blackberries and blueberries, walnuts, dark chocolate from Vietnam and a mushroom chocolate. It feels like a nice gesture.

I arrived at 8:30 exactly at the place he was staying, swooped him up and took him to the studio.

There’s a lot to say about him, our interaction, and our interview. I’m going to save it for another time

Because I’m keenly away re that I only have so much energy to write in a day. If I pour it all into my journaling, I won’t have enough steam for the actual pages of the Guide I need to create.

But I’ll say this, everything he said, was deeply affirming to what I was doing with Pervette.


He did something that he couldn’t quite explain to the world, and he did it because he wanted to, and that’s good enough.



After I dropped M off, I got gas since I was running on empty.

The highway and streets were unusually empty this morning. It didn’t feel like anybody was going to work on this slightly gray day. It felt like a free in between day. Which is everyday for kids like me and M.

I went to Monterey Market, got tons of produce, and Berkeley Natural to get spring water, walnuts and Real Salt. I caught up the store clerks. The Vietnamese cashier I liked looked radiant today. I told her so. She said it’s because she’s been getting more sleep than her usual one hour a night (it’s been like that for 14 years for her). Turmeric, ginger and artichoke steeped in hot water is her secret. I told her she looks 10 years younger, she really did. She was so happy to hear that.


I came home, tidied up and organized my receipts and artifacts for Dec 2018. I started organizing my scraps of paper into my new file folder. I paid my bills.  made a yummy salad.


Something is happening. Maybe as an empath, I soaked up M’s simplicity. I feel inspired by him to keep things tidy, spare and simple.


I think all I want to spend money on is good whole foods and books. No more fancy lingerie or clothes even (at least until back to school). I think I’m good..

I’m going to try to stay on top of keeping track of what food I put in me and what I spend. I think being mindful of these things will keep me on track..


I feel different after my time with M.

He has such a clean energy.

If being an empath means I can change just be being in the presence of someone who inspires me, I need to keep on surrounding myself with people whom I look up to.




Even though tonight is the first night of aerial class after its winter break and I’ve been pumping myself up to go

I’m gonna stay in and guard my sense doors

I had a good sleepy dreamy meditation sit at 3.

I read Self-Knowledge and

Everywhere You Go There You Are

The meditation slowed me down.

I felt the deja vous of this time last year after my iboga journey

Where time stood still.

It was grey and cool outside

And I felt like a child waking up from a long slumber.


Moving very slowly


Even though it was so cozy on the mat and I barely have the energy, I went outside for a meditative walk. I could see the bay bridge and golden gate clearly.


Grey sky, sea foam green leaves, and brown trunks


The sky was vibrating.

I’m still under Aya’s influence.


The little sleep last night

plus meditation sit and walk

equals this bliss

of no destination


No destination


That’s what MG talked about earlier


It felt like his answers to my questions were answers to my soul



Earlier I felt the grip of wanting to cross things off the to do pervette task list

Create Relationship to Self page

But the words weren’t coming to me.

I’m moving so slow I can barely write..


Don’t push it..


I’m going to to trust myself

My child self

She wants to be still

And stare at Cutie

And hold her tightly


Cutie had a close one today.

I contemplated bringing her along to the interview

At the last minute I did.

But with the tea thermos, my bad and leather jacket,

She fell on the ground in the garage by the car

As I was about to close the car door I saw laying on her back

Eep!  I quickly snatched her up and held her tight

Poor helpless Cutie.

What would’ve happen if I was in a hurry and just started driving. She was in the perfect spot to get ran over.

Just even the thought of that crushes me..


I let her sit between me and M on the sofa as we did our interview

In the dungeon


I feel like my mind is telling me to make a plantain pancake because we made a whole batch Thursday before our Aya ceremony and it’s still untouched. I hate wasting food. But I wonder if it’s gone bad by now?

I’m not sure if I’m hungry. When I move slowly I barely have an appetite.


The idea of color coding my daily calendar squares is motivating me to meditate (blue), exercise (green), eat well (yellow) and pervette (pink).

I’m exploiting my OCDness to keep on coloring these squares, and make it rainbow-ly to push me to do what I ought to be doing..


I’m so grateful

That I got to interview MG

That I get to move slowly and experience the bliss of no destination

That my child self gets to wake up in this giant house

in the woods

filled with books

And she gets to do whatever she wants


What I put inside me: lemon water, rooibos and honeybush tea I made for me and MG, a yummy spring mix salad with walnuts, blueberries, duck egg and avocado that I ate mindfully, a square of Lulu’s almond dark chocolate

I meditated for 20 min at 3pm, I went for a 30 min walk at 4:20, I’m eating mindfully from 1pm to 7pm.


Z just wrote to me.

She liked what I wrote.

I like how she thinks what’s in my head is funny.

I like how she tells me

don’t even think about answering this email


I love how she allows me to receive.


I just thought about how awkward I ended my conversation with the grocery stocker today. We caught up. He’s a Frank Moore devotee and archivist. And he’s telling me about how Frank’s art was at the bampfa. I then asked him if he’s ever been to Lewin’s Metaphysical Books (he’s old enough and has been around here to be of that 60’s 70’s era). He said no. Then I started to fill him in on Y’s death and how I’m trying to find out where her books are. If he has any leads lmk.

Conversation ends.


I was googling Lewin’s Metaphysical Books last night. I found out a little bit about Y’s partner, B. He was a somewhat prominent figure in the Bay Area 60’s scene.

I wish I had trusted my gut and made time to interview her. Now it’s too late.


I need to interview peeps who are close to dying. Before it’s too late.


I’m going to find out where Y’s books ended up..

This might require going to a bunch of neighborhood bookstores and talking to clerks.

And maybe the eccentric ladies at Tail of the yak might know.


I’m enjoying playing weird kid detective


Hey, all this writing about finding Y’s books is energizing me.


I feel like Pervette is this weird mystery to me.

It feels like an orphic entity that’s psychically manipulating me to slowly

And elliptically mold it into something.


I can’t push myself to work harder and faster on it.


The more I think about MG and the way he’s going about with his walking project, the more I see the parallels between him and Buddhism

Even though when I asked, he said he doesn’t subscribe to any religion.


He’s a renunciant. He’s essentially renounced a house-holding life.

He collects alms. He depends on the good will and loving kindness of others for shelter and sometimes food.

He’s found his own path. Literally.

He carves it out daily, and he walks that path with no destination.



theme of P’s aya journey

and the one word if M had to choose how he would like to be described


P said Hello? through the security camera

Right after I came


He’s still getting downloads


Now that he’s not smoking, he’s dreaming again

He usually has anxiety dreams


In his  dream last night, in his excitement of seeing AG and jumping on him,

he spilled everyone’s drinks

He felt bad and offered to get everyone new drinks

This guy told him that he ruined his suit

P offered to pay for it

He said it was 3K

P was like whoa, but said that’s okay

That guy was actually a big cannabis investor who now wants to invest in P’s company


Over the holiday, P’s dad shared with him how he always had anxiety dreams every night for years until one night, he stood up to the pestering lady in his actual church in the dream and told her to either get on the ride or get off and she can go fuck herself. And ever since then, he never had any more anxiety dreams.

His dad never shares these kinds of things with him


Today..A pregnant lady spilled coffee all over at the Tesla service center. She got it all over her white shoes and felt bad. P helped clean it up and made her feel better by saying he always gets anything white dirty and he’s sure she’s not the only one who’s spilled coffee here.


Spilling theme


When P2 picked me up form the airport last week, he said he had good news to share from the world instead of his usual bad news.


A cow jumps from a two story truck that was on its way to the slaughterhouse. It gets picked up and saved by a sanctuary.


For some reason when he told me that, I opened up my laptop and googled it.


Pregnant cow gives birth after escaping truck heading to slaughterhouse

Wow. An even more beautiful ending.

I’m glad I randomly googled that


Saved cow giving birth, pregnant Aya ceremonialist, the woman at the market yesterday making dinner for her friend who just gave birth, pregnant lady at the Tesla dealer spilling coffee

There’s a running theme here


Should I make a pancake with the old batter or not?

The scrappy kid me wants to try it and see..

Even though I’m not hungry.

I’m pretty satiated from all these orgasms.


P says he would love to have me down in Santa Monica more often. He wants to spend more time with me.

He’s effusive about how awesome the west side is.

It is great.

But what can I say. I love it up here on the hill.


P says he’s always running away from the house. He loves being able to walk out the door to his favorite coffee shop, which her gets to do down there but not here.

This place is truly like a retreat, I tell him, it teaches you how to stay still.


He’s never made this house his home.

It was so perfect we did Aya in our own home with his closest friends.

We both agreed, this whole ceremony was really for him.

He got to let his soul, his child self come out, uninhibited, he was loud and silly,

And then he was self-conscious

But then he realized he was in a safe space with friends who loved him

We were healing his fractured soul.

We were putting him back together.

He can feel this unconditioned love that I’m learning how to cultivate.

And in that very night, I truly embodied it.


I recounted to him how when we first did the toad, I can still remember how self-conscious I was of P and his sociably uncalibrated ways. I was like his mom judging his every move and word.

He said that’s what attracted him to me when we first met.

I was like his Domme. I was like his mom.

That same critical discerning quality he was attracted to was what repelled him later on.

And my year of abandonment came to pass.

And now I’m becoming the loving kind mom

The kind of mom that his soul longs for.


I sniffed out the pancake batter, it smells kinda okay, I was tempted but then I just poured it down the garbage disposal.

My body never wanted it.

It was my mind who didn’t want to waste it.



According to the dieta, you’re supposed to abstain from overripe bananas and avocados. Those plantains were actually overripe when we made the batter.

Best decision I could’ve made really

I’m heating up my veggie soup.



My belly is warm with my soup.

I’ve finally learned how to make my favorite food.


I think it’s crazy how on Saturday I went to the bank with P’s British pounds to exchange and deposit 440 into my overdrawn account.

And the next day, I spent 240 dollars on AP lingerie.


She received my love note

And thanked me.

We are healing our wounds..


I almost forgot how on that night with Aya. I rubbed my third eye and felt it.

And thought I need to touch here more often.


I hope I don’t forget the visuals and messages of that night.


My sister texted, did I get to meet with MG?

I did, I said, it was a great interview!

Yay! she says,


The only question M asked me after I led him into the dungeon was

Who was the woman you were with at the movies?

That was my sister.

Does she live here.

She lives in SF. I live in Berkeley.

That’s nice, he says.

Yeah, it is.


I didn’t tell him that the morning after Aya,  I fandangoed movie times for A Star is Born and then came across the trailer of his film and thought I needed to see it.

That movie night with my sister was the first time I initiated a hangout with her since she outed me.


My orgasms sound like I’m giving birth.


Friends are reaching out.


A, my gay college roomie, whom I had sex with after we weren’t roommates anymore

The last last tiem I was in NY we talked about how we’ve both independently been wanting to make porn..

He just texted..

I just got back from a progressive political media strategy meeting that was all about reaching people in unexpected places/ not just preaching to the choir and I kept on wanting to raise my hand and say “PORN!”

Not sure how it would work exactly, but there must be a way to artfully use pron to break down racism, bigotry, and self-serving nationalistic ideologies!


Yessss! This is our year..



I see myself having the most intense orgasmic birth like orgasms having sex with my friends, filmed.


The matriarchal revolution will begin with us fucking and filming

We’ll spread our legs, we’ll spread our love.

We will create and pro create

The art of loving.



Went to sleep listening to The Empath’s Survival Guide.

It turns out I’m also a food empath, which explains my overeating..


What I put inside me: lemon watre, rooibos and honeybush tea I made for me and MG, a yummy salad for lunch and the rest of my veggie soup for dinner; I intermittent fasted and didn’t eat much today.


I meditated, ate mindfully, went for a walk, read, journaled on pervette

I spent money: groceries..

Tuesday, Jan 8, 2019 9:44pm


Dear U,

I had an anxiety dream that I overcame through awareness in the dream that I was having an anxiety dream. I woke up and wrote about it in my morning pages in bed, then the text for my pervette pages flowed from my pen. Wow, I was so stuck yesterday and now it’s coming to me..

I felt like my mind was spinning yet my body could barely move. Like I was manic in my mind and lethargic in my body. It felt like I was on iboga. I couldn’t move form my bed. I just stared at Cutie and outside the glass door. The green bamboo leaves and trees were soothing.


I’m happy G was flexible with her sessions and I was able to move my first  session of the day (with P2) from 11:30am to 2:30pm.

I eventually got up, mindfully did the dishes and I started making soup. As the soup was cooking, I made a salad.

And then I got ready..


P2 stopped the session short and asked to get out of the body bag.

Then he asked if he could get dressed and hold Cutie.

And so for the rest of our session, we sat and chatted, mostly about Cutie.

We talked about the themes of birth and death that seems to be popping up.

I told him if anything happens to me, he gets to be the heir to Cutie.

He was happy to hear that.

I told him he can hang out with Cutie for the rest of the day and babysit her tonight. He was very happy to hear that..


My second session was with a sub from Germany whom I haven’t seen in 6 years.

He says I look even younger than before.

He remembered that I love dark chocolate. He got me a ton of Lindt dark chocolate bars and chocolate covered nuts.

And lip balm.

How did you know?, I asked. I love lip balm, every time I visit a new country, I have to buy lip balm there.


Bondage, tease and denial, heel worship, nipple, cock, ball torture, smothering, strap on oral worship,, edging..

I love watching him squirm.

I really got into fucking his face..


Home now.

I ate more of my soup


P spotted me through the security camera.

We chatted.

He was getting downloads last night.

All our friends are gonna be in LA this coming week, he’s really pushing me to come down with him. I told him I’ll feel into it.

Right now, I have no desire to go anywhere. I just want to stay here and work on pervette.


I think I’m gonna massage some oil in my hair and call it a day..


It’s interesting how Aya comes in these waves. She feels like Iboga.


Per P2’s idea, I search online for Y’s obituary. Nothing showed up. I do have the name of her niece, her heiress.


On the ride home from the dungeon, I saw myself at my mom’s deathbed. It was filmed. Just our hands and voices.

I have this premonition, that at some point, the rest of my life will be filmed and shared.


Reading about my empath-ness in Judy’ Orland’s book explains so much..


What I consumed: lemon water, salad I made, soup I made, Lulu’s dark chocolate, Urban Remedy’s Cacao Chip bar, walnuts, soup, strawberries and more soup

What I bought: Door draft stopper, Pure Encapsulations B Complex Plus, Shen Min Hair vitamins, the paperback version of The Empath’s Survival Guide (I already have the audible)


Wednesday, Jan. 9, 2019 8:58am

Orgy Room

Dear U,

I’m in the orgy room for a change because the light is this spectacular golden gray, and for a minute there was a small rain cloud right above the house, it drizzled as the sun was shining through the clouds. It’s like I had every weather I wanted for a minute.

Now the sun is behind the clouds, I can hear thunder in the background and I’m thinking of moving back to the round table in the breakfast nook.


I woke up from an awesome art dream. I was with a friend exploring this muppety artsy commune. It felt like stepping into a big bright open cave and down each hall and in each room it was perfectly designed for the kid adult. I wanted to go deeper but I set down my heavy bag and was annoyed that I was carrying a bunch of things I didn’t need, like a sheet set.

As I was writing about the dream in my morning pages,  I noticed that the glass water bottle that L gave me and I had set on the bed was tilted and pouring water onto the bed, creating a little puddle of wetness. I apparently didn’t screw the cap on right in the middle of the night and let it rest next to me.

Now I have a sheet set to dry and take care of.

It feels like my dream in bleeding over into my waking life.


I wrote in my morning pages that I’m not sure how my weekend will unfold. P is coming up today, staying through Friday afternoon. He’s been hinting that he wants me to come down to LA with him this weekend since a lot of our friends are in town.


I have a session this Saturday with R. Our last session I never showed up and he was so cool about it. And he’s been dying to see me.


I don’t want want to leave this house. I want to stay here and work on Pervette. The greenery, the nature around me is so healing and soothing (as I learned yesterday from my reading, empaths recharge well in nature). I’m getting a little anxious about time. I want to be present for P when he’s here, and I’m certain that I’ll want to recharge after our time and not go straight down to LA with him.

I could see myself in LA and hanging out with my friends if I can make an art project out of it. I do need to create my birthday party invite and I think it’ll involve writing on my body again. I think our friends visiting, N, A, N, G, one of them would have decent handwriting..


I think it’s ironic that now that I really want to time to myself to recharge and work on pervette, P wants more of my time to connect and hang out.

He feels like my child who wants my affection.

If it was this time last year and any month before that, I would’ve been over the moon.

But right now I just feel grateful that our relationship is at such a incredible place. It feels like as good as the budding beginning, but even better, because we have mastered our communication and there’s this rich history we have. 5 years. 5 epic years. When we recount all that’s happened in just one year, it feels insane.

I really do believe our love is something of a fairy tale. It’s a story that needs to be told. Because what we’ve learned in our time together can heal and help any couple going through the struggles.

I’m so grateful for our incredible relationship.


When I got done with my morning pages, I came upstairs, P had texted an our ago (probably around the time I started my morning pages) and said he has this kinda crazy idea, he’s thinking of not coming up today but early next week instead, but wanted to check in with me and see if I wanted to come up next week. He says, call me when you get up!

How perfect.

I call him. He’s trying to explain why he doesn’t feel like today’s the day to come up. He’s still on this erratic sleep schedule since Aya, where he sleeps for a few hours and wake s up wide awake in the middle of the night. He said he had a weird dream about death. He saw himself at the his uncle’s house with his folks (just like over the holiday) but knowing that he’s going to witness all of their deaths.

I got chills. Because I had that thought last night driving home.


I told him the theme of birth and death have been coming up a lot lately.


He asked how I felt about him staying down in LA. He doesn’t want me to think it’s an indictment on our relationship or anything. I told him of course, that sounds like a great idea.

He sounded relieved and said, I don’t think I can be in a relationship with anyone else.

He was at breakfast with T, so I let him go.


Wow. The universe delivers. Every time.


I get this FREE day to myself.

To Pervette.

Who knows. If I get a lot done. I can move my Saturday session with R to Friday 2-4, then after my session, hop on a JetSuite flight at 5:30 and be in LA for Friday night through Sunday morning.


Okay. Here I go…


(from what I can remember)


When I lit the candle on the Guan yin altar I toppled over a little pink cup and spilled some water


When I said my prayer, I saw myself opening up the new Poketo red notebook I got and writing out the text of my pervette pages in it.

After I prayer, I pulled the red notebook out of its cellophane cover and started writing. The words casually flowed. I wrote out the Self, Body, Mind and Soul page. I took a nap while I was writing out Soul

When I woke I finished up soul.


The soul writing got me thinking about this book I used to have two copies of

Shaman, Healer, Sage

One I gave away to my friend. The other I lent to my massuese last year, which he never returned. I hesitated for months to buy another copy

Today felt the like the day I give in.


Amazon recommends The Ultimate Guide to Red Light Therapy, I got down the Amazon reviews rabbithole and stop myself from buying a red lightbulb. I’ll buy and read the book first..


I go for a walk during the magic hour. It was glorious..


On the way back, I saw some random cards on and paper on the wet ground. A YMCA card of C D, that was our neighbor down the way, the only neighbors P and I ever had dinner with when we first moved here.

S, the neighborhood dogwalker passes by, I show her the card and random stuff I found. It looks like someone tossed the unvaluable contents on someone’s wallet, I said.

I said I think I’ll go over to their house and return this card to them.


T, C’s wife, invites me in. I meet her 6 month year old baby, J.

We talk about babies.

How I’m reconsidering.

She’s 36 too. And wasn’t really into the idea of kids either.

But then it happened.

But she’s happy.

She used to be all about work, work work,

Now it’s shifted to family.

And she likes how she can explore the world through J’s eyes.

She’s really seeing things, like leaves on a tree for the first time.

He’s definitely helping her slow down, she says.




Last night I was spotting, a bit of vibrant red blood after I peed.

Now it’s gone.

I haven’t bled at all in years with the IUD inside me.

It started after my last silent retreat.

And every now and then, I would spot.

I take it as a good sign.




when I woke up all sweaty from the heat of the biomat and with the audible of The Empath’s Survival Guide still playing, I went downstairs to change into some fresh panties and tank top and go to bed. I forgot that I had washed and dried the sheets from the water spill in the morning but hadn’t put the sheets back on, and so I did, which totally woke me up from my biomat slumber. When I hopped into bed, with my new panties on, I felt a wetness, and checked down there, I just bled right onto my clean panties. But thank goodness it didn’t reach the freshly washed sheets. I put on another of panties and panty liners, then finally hopped into bed with Cutie. As I was laying down ,my eyes spotted something off on the ceiling by the fireplace, it took a micro second to register the discoloration, it was what I was afraid of, a blister in the ceiling, which meant there was a leak in the deck above, again.

My body tightened as I stared at the subtle blister and flashbacked to the trauma of this time 2 years ago. The Big Storm.

I remember when we first spotted that same blister in November of 2016. I remember thinking this is going to not be fun. And what followed was 6 months of crazy stress. I remember the countless number of roofers, contractors , water damage specialists, plumbers I had to phone and I had to sift through the sketchy ones form the honest ones and how after many tries I got lucky with J, the sweet old contractor who talked a lot. I remember the plastic quarantine of 80% of the bedroom and the hallway (there were 2 leaks that time) that was up for 2 or 3 months. I remember my relationship with P was completely on the rocks. He was stressed out from the near crash and burn of his startup. That coupled with his brother moving out from Atlanta and staying at his high rise in the city, making it so that he had to make the hellish commute day in and day out to and from Berkeley. My nervous system was so fried. That was also when I stopped sessioning completely. Taking care of the house and contractors was my full-time job. And all of it went unappreciated by P.

I felt that trauma tighten my whole body as I curled up and stared into Cutie’s eyes and said, Oh no Cutie! Not again!

I then kicked myself. I was so good last year about having Dude With A Hammer (that’s the name of the handyman service, the Berkeley Natural Grocery clerk I chat with lives with A, the dude with the hammer, anyways) help winterize the house and I had P2 do all the caulking on the deck last year. This year, it totally slipped off my radar since it’s been so dry. I got lazy. A $6 preventative measure could’ve thwarted a $6k (that’s my modest estimate) fix to the leak. Oh god.

I stared into Cutie’s eye for a good 10 minutes or so. There’s something very soothing about her. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have any lips or a smile, so she always looks serious and concerned. I call it her seriously cute look.

But I’ve also noticed that every time I’m in an emotional pickle, when I look to her. Her eyes seem to communicate something, it’s like she’s telling me, It’s okay, everything is happening for a reason, that you’ll soon find out.

Everything is as it should be.

Then something shifted inside me.

I thought about it. The water spilling theme. How in my dream the night before I was carrying sheets, and when I woke up I spilled water from the water bottle that my sister gave me a few days ago. And then I had to carry the sheets into the laundry room.

And then at the altar when I was about to say a prayer, I used the last match in the Destinee (restaurant in NY) matchbox that B2 gave me 2 years ago, the striker on the box was so worn out you had to give 5 tries before it would light a match. When it lit the match on he first try, I tried to light the lotus votive candle quickly before the flame burned out or my fingers. I moved too hastily and knocked over the pink water cup (I got in Vietnam) and spilled the spring water on the altar (that R, P’s brother made for me for my birthday last year).

And then last night, before I fell asleep on the biomat, I went into the pantry to grab the container of Organic India psyllium husk and ending up knocking the Ladermo olive oil and spilling a drizzle of olive oil on the floor.

There’s a spilling theme going on here. That was predicted by my dream from the night before.

And then I thought about how last week, when I was talking to my mom on the phone when I got back and she was complaining how stressful it was to have the guest bathroom remodeled (the plastic quarantine in their house reminded me of ours from the Big Storm) and I told her that she should be happy that it only took a week and a half. And that life is always going to be filled with stressful things come up, and it’s all about how you handle it and not let it stress you out.

And then I thought about how pleased mom is with the result. How all of that stressful week and half was worth it, now that she has a beautiful shower that looks way better than the old one.


And then I remembered.. I know how to meditate now. Which I didn’t 2 years ago. This leak, this storm is all good practice

And listening to this audible on Empath’s, I tried the exercise of visualizing a pink aura around me protecting me form any negative energy.

Also, my relationship with P is in an amazing place and this leak and how I or we handle it, if anything, is just a marker of the progress that we made between now and then

And then I felt my whole body relax.

It was as though the moment I let go of my fear (of all the future stress that I was anticipating) and became curious

Why is there a water spilling theme?

I realize that everything is as it should be. And the more I can stay calm and positive this leak will reveal to me what needs to be seen or dealt with.

And who knows what this leak will lead to, maybe we might just remodel the bathroom while we’re at it. And end up being really happy the leak happened again.

No more anxiety of what’s to come and no more regret of what I could’ve done. All I have is now. And right now I have Cutie working her magic powers on me. And I can see that this is as it should be..

Then I turned out the lights, laid in bed, meditating. I saw myself handling this leak with lightness and positivity. Then I felt my feet tingle, and then my shoulder lightly twitched into relaxation. I felt my whole body relaxing, I felt amazing. I felt the ease of knowing that I know how to let go.

Water, oil, blood

Spilling forth

What wants to come through



No resistance.

Just trust.


And then I fell blissfully asleep.

What I consumed: lemon water, my purple veggie soup, one square of Hu’s Quispy chocolate bar, Urban Remedy Cacao Chip bar (that P2 got for me and delivered), more purple soup, walnuts, and raspberries

What I bought: Shaman, Healer, Sage by Alberto Villoldo; The Ultimate Guide to Red Light Therapy by Ari Whitten; 240 disposable combs (for the studio)

Accomplished: I meditated, I ate mindfully, I went for a walk, and I wrote out for 4 pages for Pervette, I caught the sunset


Thursday, Jan 10, 2018 9:48am


Dear U,

When I woke today, I felt great. I wrote out my dream, and in my morning pages,

I’m going to remain curious about the blister in the bedroom ceiling.

(Come to think of it my feet is still lightly peeling away, another theme).

The water vessel theme (my sister gifted me and P 3 water bottles and a decanter, the Ember mug that traveled from the OC to Santa Monica to Berkelyey to San Francisco and I eventually got to work and showed my sister how to use..


What is this asking of me?


I am in awe of the shift that can occur when you shift your perspective, from dread to curiosity. There’s power in awareness..and connecting the dots that probably don’t make sense to anyone but me.


I’m so grateful that I now have all the knowledge, support, tools, and resources to handle this leak that I didn’t have before.


I quickly wrote my affirmation.

I am crossing the might river, standing tall with my eyes on the horizon.


Then I went upstairs and called P2. He’s going to pick up some caulk and come over after work to caulk the deck. If no contractor shows up, at least I have P2 on it.


Then I made 6 phone calls around 8am, just gotta get in early..

G, of the Ward Brothers, who cleaned out the gutters a few weeks ago, he had someone on his time who was a roofer, he actually picked up and said he ‘ll contact his roofer and see if he can come out.

A, of Mario and Sons Roofing, one of the roofers I used 2 years ago when I had the leak, I liked his honesty, easiness and chill vibe.

C, of Beethoven Roofers, he was just a tad flaky in getting back to me, but he did get the skylights replaced and they look great and I also liked his vibe.

J, of John Cooper Contractors, he is a Godsend, a rare diamond of contractors, the most thoughtful, sweetest human ever who will take his time to take care of your house as if it was his own. His team was quick and thorough. And his rates are so honest and cheap compared to everyone out there. He’s quite old and a bad gym equipment inhury has left him in constant pain, and in spite of all that, he remains so light.


J called back. I told him that leak is back. We never fully addressed it he said. That’s true. I told him that the one positive of this leak is that we’re connecting again. He said he also thought of me from time to time. I asked how his back was doing. He’s going to get surgery on it this April. He still can’t sleep at night sometimes. I told him that we have some new cannabis products that might help with his pain, and it’s in pill form, way easier to consume than vaping it. He was grateful to hear that. He said he was putting some tile down in his bathroom today but can come over in the afternoon. Perfect.


I Facetimed P with my custom made girl animoji face. I told him in my muppety voice

Bad news Mupps..


We got a leak.

Oh, that sucks. But it’s not that bad news.

Yeah, I agree.

I told him I made some calls, people are on it.

He’s cool with it all since he’s in Santa Monica anyways.

And this time around, I got it under control.

I said maybe this is an opportunity to remodel the bathroom as well.

He said he was open to that. If we think we’re gonna stay at the house for another 5 years that would make sense.

He said if the master bedroom is gonna be out of commission we should look into making the main guest room nice for us to stay in soon. He talked to A, our friend, yesterday about helping us decorate that room (it was one of his highdeas the night we did Aya), she said she’ll start a pinterest board. He said it was up to me how I wanted to move forward with the guest room. Even though my initial response is to want to do it myself, I feel open to having A help us, to honor his highdea. And I’m just pleased that he’s thinking of ways to make this house his home.

I’m also pleased that he’s not at all talking about selling the house really, which is his default response when something goes wrong.

We talk about how far we’ve come since that crazy storm.

And then we switched gears to his coffee shop idea.

For the past month or so, P and his friend T have been talking about opening up a really nice high end coffee shop, with a cool library. I like that he’s in ideation mode. This is what excites him, starting something new, and going from 0 to 1. From idea to manifestation..


He hasn’t smoked since Saturday, this is the longest he’s gone without cannabis in a while. I tell him how proud I am of him.

I suggest he read the Happy Empath’s Exercise Guide book we got last week at Diesel books. I tell him that my Empathness explains a lot of my addictions, like eating and shopping, as a way to soothe and buffer myself from all the stimulation.

He says that’s a good idea, he stalled on reading because he hasn’t got through Pia Mellody’s Facing Love Addiction. He also realizes that he hasn’t been cooking because he’s been meaning to make broccoli puffs but hasn’t got around to it and so he gave up completely. I’ve seen this quality in him for a while, he has this tendency to go all in all the way or none. It’s great that he’s coming to see that for himself.


We chat for a while. And then one of the roofers, A,  called, I hang up on P and take the call. He and his crew are actually in Berkeley and can come by in 10. Perfect.


A and his crew caulk at what they think is the problem. Something about the flashing and how there is none underneath the sill. I inspect the problem areas with them, almost slipping 3 times as I walk around the tile deck in these house slippers.

I like how whenever it’s a contractor day, I look crazy disheveled. I haven’t showered since Monday morning and my hair is extra greasy from all the castor oil and Hair Be There oil I massaged into it Tuesday night. I feel like I get into super non-binary mode when I’m around men esp when I’m not in the dungeon being Colette.


Within 30 minutes they finish caulking. Just as A gave me the total, $200 (thank god I worked this week and had the cash to pay him), J calls and says he can wrap up his work in his bathroom and head on over. Perfect.


J comes over. We’re both happy to see each other. I tell him he looks great, he said he lost 50 pounds. I asked how he did it. Cut back on carbs, he said. He pulls out his temperature and moisture meter device, he points it around the room, apparently there are lots of cold spots around the room which is slightly disconcerting. We take a gander at the deck. With his pocket blade he taps around the tile to see which parts are solid, and which aren’t.

I remember how he takes his time, inspecting every nook and corner, with a curiosity of a detective. He thinks the roofers used butle (sp?) to caulk and that works alright for these moist conditions but not what he would use. He surveys the whole deck.

He asks if I have a long stick for him to poke at something in the gutter. I go out front and in the cul de sac I found the perfect stick. Anyways, I tell him whatever he thinks is best, we’ll do. I trust his expertise. After a good hour or so, J packs up. I give him some Level CBG and THCA protabs for his pain. He says he doesn’t want to get surgery but he also wants the pain to go away, the surgery will mostly affect his mobility. I said has he heard of red light therapy. He says no. I tell him I just learned about it yesterday and am getting the book on it in the mail today, I’ll pass on any info I learn to him. J was very appreciative.

I have this strange feeling that the leak happened so that I can pass along to J Level’s new cannabis products (the protabs) and the information on red light therapy which I randonmly stumbled upon yesterday on Amazon.

I asked when can he get a guy to cut out the drywall. He calls up his guy, K, who doesn’t start work until next Thursday, he can come out tomorrow. How perfect.

K, has lymph node cancer, J says and he might benefit from Levels’ products as well.

Good idea, I said, I’ll be sure to give him some.

Maybe the point of this whole leak is to spread plant medicine.


Wow. What took me months last time to handle took just a half day. And it’s been so pleasant and fluid.


I make a salad. Eat it. For the first time. I couldn’t finish a salad. I almost tried to stop eating it. Thank goodness the Fed Ex guy knocked on the door and stopped me from stuffing myself.

He delivered the AP lingerie. I tried it on.

As it turns out a 32C doesn’t fit me. I’m really a 32D, I was hoping I can squeeze into a 32C but I’m just popping out if it. I’m gonna return it. It feels good to return what I can’t fit and probably don’t need.


I need to go back and tell you about the rest of my day yesterday, it was pretty magical..


I just called up my nail salon to see if they have an opening for mani pedi (it’s been a little over a month since my last and my gosh I need it), they can squeeze me in at 4. It’s 3:17 now. Maybe I can return my AP along the way..




I made it to the nail salon at 4:04pm. I even had time to slip into the post office, drop off my AP return and pick up a package that was held at the post office because it needed my signature.

I was wondering which package it was, it was the Rothy ballet flats my sister got for me for Christmas.

When I was getting my mani done by C, my go to manicurist, I noticed hse had one ear bud in her ear and I can hear someone talking coming out of it. I asked what she was listening to. She said she was listening to a story, this was how she got her reading in. That prompted me to put of my earbuds in and listen to my Empath book on Audible.


I decided to go with this new vibrant red color instead of my usual nude to pink to plum changing mood polish for my hands.

I figure the red might pop more when I make my bday party photo invite.

And come to think of it, it kinda matches the color of my period blood.


I saw that P was Facetiming me as C was painting my right hand and my left hand was getting cured by the UV light.

I didn’t pick it up because the phone was somewhat in my bag and to reach in it might ruin my lacquer. And it was kinda hard to talk. With C doing my hands and the older Vietnamese woman doing my toes.

But then he Factimed me again. I pulled my left hand out of the UV light box and swiped to take the call and take my chances with messing up my polish. Thank goodness I already had one ear bud in and my headphones had a microphone. I was able to chat with him hands free.


He said he’s been having a crazy day. He was feeling very frenetic today, so he took a nap and felt better. While he was sitting outside a coffee shop for his friend, T, he felt this sinking feeling in his stomach like something was terribly wrong.

Then his dad called, he’s going into surgery tomorrow to operate on his sinus because he’s been having trouble breathing and sleeping. He says his dad rarely calls him and there was something in his tone that made it seem like he was very afraid that something would go wrong. He just sounded so scared. And P was getting emotional (like I never heard him before). He said it just sounded like his dad thought this might be the end. He feels like he should fly out there to be with him. There’s been so much of this life cycle theme coming up, and that premonition in his dream about being really aware that his parents are going to die. He says that his dad has no one really for emotional support. His mom is there but she’s not an emotionally supportive person.

I just know that if something were to happen, and he didn’t make it, I would feel..

Then he started to sob.

I started tearing up hearing him cry.

Oh Mupps, you should definitely go out there.

Yeah, that feels right.

He was gonna lose me since he was stepping into the elevator of his building but he’ll call me later after his dinner with T and his family.

We hang up.

I couldn’t wipe the tears from my eyes and face since my hands were getting painted and cured.

I’ve never heard P sound so emotional. I’m moved by his emotions. (Being an empath) I can feel everything he’s feeling.


My mani pedi took 3 hours. they had curtains drawn blocking the sunset light from coming through. I was a little bummed that I was in a fluorescent lit salon during sunset.

Being an empath, I’m really sensitive to light. It really makes me sad when I don’t get to be outside and catch the light of the sunset

But I made use of my time and hopped to another audible book, Attached. It was the book I recommended to A, the love addict, who wrote to me today. She’s getting into a lot of triggering arguments with her bf. Their relationship reminds me of mine and P’s timestamp 2 or 3 years ago.

I think I’ll offer to call her and we can chat. That way I can get the details that I need, like are they living together, have long have they been together? In that way I can really offer her the advice she needs.


When I got back I made myself a giant stirfry of cauliflower, broccoli, mushroom and carrots. I can’t believe I ate all of it plus I ate almost a whole jar of briney sheepsmilk.

P called, he’s flying out tonight at 11:30pm. I told him if he wants I can come out with him for support. He thanked me for the support but he thinks he can do this alone. His brother, R,  called earlier and said he got a call from Dad too and he too sensed that it sounded like a final goodbye call. He was glad that P was flying out to be with them.

P remarks on how far R has come in his journey, he’s grown so much in the past 2 years since he’s moved to CA. I tell P, I think it’s in large part due to him, in helping him come out here..

I tell P it’s ironic that 2 weeks ago, he was dreading going out to Georgia to visit his works because it felt so obligatory and now here he is flying out there on his own will and really wanting to.

I think his ability to tune into his dad and feel that sinking feeling even before he got the call was due to his soberness and not smoking any cannabis since last Saturday.

He says that’s true. He used to think he wasn’t an emotional person, but it could be that he always was but he’s just been numbing himself from feeling those emotions (with cannabis) because he didn’t know how to handle it.

He said his walk with T today after his dad’s call was really helpful because he got to express his emotions and talk it out.

(While I was at the nail salon skipping around my empath audible book, that was one of the protective strategies, to talk it out..)


P’s grateful for the timing of Aya and his dad’s surgery. Because if the surgery was a week sooner, he probably wouldn’t feel as called to come out and be there to support his dad.


There’s so much going on right now. It feels like life is moving in this spiral at rapid speed.

The big storm leak is revisited from 2 years ago

P revisits family time in Georgia from 2 weeks ago.

We’re given another chance to do things right, with the right intention.


What I put inside me: lemon water, red walnuts, my purple veggie soup, 3 squares of Hu’s Quispy chocolate, a giant cauliflower, broccoli, mushroom and carrot stirfry, almost a wgile jar of Weirach’s briney sheep’s milk, and a handful of raspberries

What I spent money on: $200 for Mario and Sons to caulk the deck, $16 for 2 sheets of John Lennon forever stamps, $70 for manipedi

What I got in the mail: My AP Blythe bra and thong (which I immediately returned and feel really good about; Rothy ballet flats that L got for me for x-mas

I didn’t get to exercise or pervette, but I ate well (except for that giant serving of sheep’s milk) and I meditated for 11 min.

One liner: Seeing the leak as a gift and seeing red (light therapy, nails, and blood)


Friday, Jan 11, 2018 1:35pm


Dear U,

I woke up this morning with a vision of myself going straight to work on pervette.

And I did.

I created 4 pages

Your self, Your body, your mind, your soul (still working on this one)


But right before I went to the computer, I checked my phone

P sent a text

My dad is out of surgery and he’s doing great.

Thanks for your support, love you little mupps!

(phew!) and YAY!


Around 11:44am, K, J’s contractor, arrived and started work on cutting the blistered drywall out.

I worked on pervette as he worked.

And when he was done, J called and asked if I can give him $75.

He also told me that he used Level’s CBG and he actually was able to sleep last night.

I was really happy to hear that.


K asks if I want him to pull out the insulation so I can see where the water is coming from. I said yeah. So he pulls out the fiber glass insulation with his bare hands. He feels around.

That’s moist right there, he says reaching into the far right corner.

I take a picture..

I gave K $80 and some Level’s CBG and THCA products for his tonsil cancer

He told me how he’s been making a special cannabis concoction to treat his cancer

It makes him mad, he says, that the government has made this illegal for so long when there are so many benefits to it.

Just as K was cleaning up, it started to drizzle a little.


It’s 1:57, I feel like some fresh air would be nice. I kinda wanna do a little detective work on The case of Y’s books..

And when I was googling Lewin’s books, there was an article about it closing and another bookstore opening, called Sleepy Cat books.

I’m thinking I’ll visit Sleepy Cat and Tail of the Yak.


I’m grateful that P’s dad’s surgery went well and P is with him and his mom for support

I’m grateful that P is tapping into his sensitive and emotional self, which is allowing him to connect to his family (and even his uber driver, K, last night) and the world around him in a completely new way.


I’m grateful for this open day and that I was able to work on pervette

I’m grateful for one magical day after another..



I went to Sleepy Cat books, it was a very spare and bright bookstore. There were signs all over the store Buy 2 Used books, get 3rd Free. No one was there when I first stepped in except for two sleeping cats on a table, then a tall smily fellow stepped out from the back room. I said Hi and said I love the cats and Underwood Typewriter and asked where the used books were. He stretched his arms out and said smiling they’re all used. Oh cool. Then I asked if he knows about Lewin’s books, he says no, I told him about how it closed and I’m looking for her books. I feel like I always sound slightly monomanical and crazy when I tell people that.


I looked around. There were The titles and curation was pretty not esoteric. But I wanted to support the newish and seemingly empty bookstore (how is it going to survive with rent on Telegraph close to campus?).

So I got 3 books that called out to me, one was

Leaving A Trace: The Art of Transforming a Life into Story (it’s too perfect for me)

The Life of Gandhi: The Story of my Experiments with Truth (I was just writing about experiments and truth)

Post Secret (I’m curious to see if there’s a pattern in people’s secrets)


I tried to not disturb the cats on the table which is also where one gets rung up.

I asked if I can take a picture, he said yes.

He said I can pet Oliver if I want, the other cat has a hard time falling back asleep when he wakes. So I pet Oliver.

It was only when I was petting Oliver, the sleepy cat, I realized and exclaimed, Oh! This is why the store is called Sleepy Cat!

He smiled and quietly laughed. He says he loves books and cats and whenever he’s reading there’s always a sleepy cat.


He asked if I wanted a bag, I was about to say no but then I saw it started to rain. Uh yes, he put my books in a Walgreens bag, which I used as my shield from the rain as I walked to my car.


Next stop: Tail of the Yak


I parked by Ici the ice cream shop. Oh my god, it’s closed. How can that be? There was always a crazy line out the door.

I bet it had something to do with them opening their second shop on University next to McDonald’s, which seem like a bad location/idea.


I love how you have to ring the doorbell to get buzzed into Tail of a Yak.

This store is incredible. It’s always changing its “installations”

The curation is so eclectic and precious and vibrant. I mean there’s a giant wooden birdcage with two doves (or yaks?) in it.

I start taking pictures, just so I can show you..


I exchanged wow’s with a woman (my age I think) stepped into the store a little after me who was also in awe of the shop.

I love this place, I tell her.

We started chatting. She lives in London, but used to live around the corner and likes to stop by whenever she’s in town.  She says it’s always changing.

I know, I said,  I’m sad that Ici the ice cream shop is closed and so is Lewin’s books.


She went to grad school at Berkeley too. In architecture. She asked what I’m doing now after grad school. I told her I’m a domme/educatrix working on a website. She said she’ll check it out.

I asked what her specialization is in architecture, she said her dissertation is on metropolitan Paris and the effects of the riots on something. I told her Paris is my favorite city. We both feel like Berkeley has some similarity to Paris, the cafes and farmer’s markets.

Like the Sleepy Cats Bookstore owner, she was smiley too.


I wanted to get everything in the store but I decided on the essentials, tape and a toy for Cutie.


I chatted with the store owner when she rung up my tape and asked if she knew anything about Lewin’s books, it’s closed now.

She said the owner died. It was a sad surprise to everyone. That store was an institution.

I asked if she knew where her books went. She said no.


I should add that when I was walking up to the counter, my heart started racing. It’s still beating fast now as I write to you. I don’t know why. Aya?


I said goodbye to the woman I chatted with.


Then I went to the Mini market/deli next to Lewin’s books (again), this time it was the older Israeli fellow (the father of the other clerk?) behind the clerk.

I looked around to see if there was anything to buy as he was ringing up someonw from around the neighborhood, they were talking about local small businesses, I should’ve eavesdropped more

I grabbed the plantain chips (again) and as he rung me up I asked if he knew anything about the bookstore next door.

She died, he said (he talks with an accent), she was old, she 81.

Oh wow.

She was going crazy at the end, he said. She kept on saying her nephew, her nephew. But her nephew, who knows, maybe he wanted her to die, because he sold the store and he’s selling all her real estate.

Do you know what happened to her books?

He sold it to someone for a dollar each. He came with a giant Uhaul and took all of it.

Wow, I said (wishing I was that man with the Uhaul).

Books, no one buys books anymore, he says, do you?

Yeah, I do.

Everyone reads online now.


I grab a cacao chip bar at Urban Remedy.


As I try to make the left hand turn light on Ashby, I stop before I was about to cut off a woman who was about to cross. It was the woman from Tail of Yak. We both laugh and she tells me to keep driving. I smile and wave goodbye.


I had to go pee so badly. I came home. Peed. Sweeped the dusty floor of the bedroom, put on some music upstairs, danced to warm myself up, I attempted at some headstands and toppled over.

I watched the videos I captured from my hoop class, Then I got on the hoop and attempted some of the moves. It felt good to be in my body and play with the hoop.


I made dinner. Something new, sauteed kale and mushroom, cooked in ghee with garlic. And duck egg on top. Yum..


I feel jittery. Meditation helped.


P is flying back tomorrow morning, He lands at 1pm at LAX, he thinks he can pick me up at JetSuite in Burbank when I land at 3.


Our friend, N, has a fever and won’t be able to hang, he texts.

I suggest we hang with J and T, our plant medicine friends, and A, our other friend in town, and I, our domme friend, if we have time and energy.

P’s happy that I’m SocialMupps.


I feel like I should tidy up and pack, but I’m pretty settled here on the biomat.


It’s raining. I laid out some plastic underneath the cut out hole.

And four buckets, which were actually the Aya puke buckets left behind.

Let’s see if it’s still leaking.



What I consumed: acv, lemon water, S2’s red walnuts, my brain tea, the last of my purple soup, 4 squares of Hu’s Qrispy chocolate, Urban Remedy Cacao Chip bar (it’s basically my new favorite snack that I crave), sauteed spinach and mushroom with fried duck egg, raspberries and blueberries (I’ve been cooking and eating really cleanly since I’ve been back and trying to avoid red meat and pork and minimize dairy per Aya’s dieta, I feel great btw)

What I spent money on: $80 for K to cut the drywall, $26 on three books at Sleepy Cat Bookstore- Leaving a Trace, the Mohanda Gandhi’s Autobiography and Post Secret; $17 on two rolls of washi tape and a puffy mandala-looking yarn ball for Cutie to play with; $3 on Inka plantain chips at the Ashby Mini Market Deli; $4 on Urban Remedy Cacao Chip bar

Things that came in the mail; Shaman, Healer, Sage by Alberto Vollioldo and The Ultimate Guide to Red Light Therapy by Ari Whitten

I created 4 pages on Pervette, I ate mindfully and cleanly, I danced and got on the aerial hoop and tumbled around (I ought to do this everyday), and I meditated


Saturday, January 12, 2019


(From what I can remember on Tuesday Jan 15)

I woke up on the biomat around 5:47am. I decided to not go downstairs and sleep in the bed because there was that hole in the ceiling and maybe I didn’t want to breathe in fiberglass particles.

So I laid around on the biomat, did I masturbate? Did I journal?

I don’t know what I did but I dilly dallied until 7;44 and when I was about to hop in the shower I noticed the water wasn’t getting hot, which meant I had to put my clothes back on, grab a screwdriver and go outside in the slightly drizzly morning and reset the hot water heater.

And then I quickly showered and just as I was drying off and had a towel on my head, J, the landscapper, came to walk about the front and back yard to survey the work he’s going to do. Remove some dead trees and an overgrown bush that’s about to give, trim back the bamboos and hydrangeas, do some major cleaning up. He gave me an estimate, 1400-1500, we shook on it.

And then I got ready for my session and my weekeneder in LA.

I grabbed my old B&W kate spade weekender bag that I haven’t used in forever.

(I used to use it all the time when P and I first started dating, it was a gift from one of my subs who used to spoil me with shoes and handbags that he would pick out for me, which kinda drove me crazy because I’m so picky)

I quickly packed the essentials, vitamins, toiletries, clothes for a day and just one book (Finite and Infinite Games)

And super quickly tried to tidy up, leaving the dishes for P2 to wash, I left a note for him to throw away the dead yellow tulips and white orchids (that lasted since August before Burning Man)


When I got to the studio P2 was there and he had already set up the dungeon. I handed Cutie to him. He was very excited to babysit her fro the next hour and a half. He said he’ll drop her off before my session ends. We hugged goodbye. And they were off.


R was very excited to see me. He brought me gifts, a pair of strappy Kenneth COle golden heels. They were super comfy. Comfy enough for me to to dig my heels into his nipples and trample him with them.

He got me a butterfly wallet and within that wallet was a wallet that looked like a giant hundred dollar bill and within that wallet was my tribute.

It’s like I’m revisiting the theme of subs picking out gifts that they think would please me (my weekender bag, and now the golden heels and wallets)

And a small flashlight He said he got a 40 of them and so he thought I might need one. That totally reminds me of my dad who went through a flashlight giving phase.


He said that was the best session ever. I think he measured that by the explosiveness of his orgasm and how much and how long he came.


He offered to drive me to the airport before I even had to ask.

We transferred my bags form my car to his. I left my car at the studio and navigated him to JetSuiteX while I fed him and myself blueberries.

His driving seems unsure and timid. Maybe this area is all new to him. Maybe he has anxiety about driving. I think it’s mostly the latter.


He drops me off. P tells me my flight is delayed. Which is fine by me because JetSuite’s waiting area is quite comfy. I settle in with my noise cancelling headphones. I was in a meditative state. Did I listen to an audible on Empaths or music?


I landed at 4:20. P got me an Uber. We plan to meet at Erewhon.

When I got in the the Uber, the driver texts P, She’s in good hands, we’re on our way.

I continued with my headphones on the ride. The sunset sky outside was electric orange. It was unusually beautiful. It seem like every driver on the highway had their phone and was snapping pictures.


On the ride I randomly made a reservation at Shojin for 3 at 7:30, just in case we felt like eating out and wanted to invite a friend.

When we were getting closer, I asked the driver what station was he listening to. It’s so rare to find oldies on the radio anymore.

1260AM, he says, It’s the best station ever. Very few commercials and he guarantees they will play some songs I haven’t heard in forever.

Thanks for the tip! I said.

And there’s your man, the driver says. D is standing outside Erewhon, looking cute on his bomber, scarf and beanie.


We transferred my bags. And then went into our favorite store in the world and picked up a few items for a green smoothie and some chocolate. I got some Erewhon shots. The total was $185.

We ordered some tonics at the bar. I got Jing City. $15 for 12 oz. The most expensive item on the menu because it has Deer Antler.

P got the reishi cappuccino.

P was craving pizza, so we got pizza at the hot bar to take back.

Erewhon tonics and staples, I feel settled in.

We came back, ate out pizza, P watched his football game, I picked up his books.


(last detailed account)

We made it to Shojin and A joined us.

We caught up..

Big news, she just found out Netflix is picking up her book and they’re gonna make a film about Breakup Bootcamp. The writer of Girls will be there at the next retreat, taking notes.


We ordered too much. And we passed on dessert.

But then I asked A, if I order the green tea matcha cake will you have some? She immediately said yes.

Best decision ever.


Whenever I’m in LA, I eat a ton of sugar..

Nom Nom!


What I consume: lemon water, Urban Remedy Cacao Chip bar (on the ride to the dungeon before my session with R), blueberries and raspberries (shared with R on the way to JetSuiteX Oakland)  whole bag of Inka plantain chips (while waiting at JetSuiteX my flight was one hour delayed), small Fuji apple (on the plane after my nap), Jing City tonic from Erewhon bar, a piece of gluten free pizza from Erewhon and a nibble of P’s non-gluten free pizza which tasted way yummier than my gluten free pizza); vegan shiso gyoza, winter ginger miso soup, kabocha pumpkin croquettes, tempura avocado salad, kiss of a spider woman roll, shojin dynamite roll 2.1, yummy matcha green tea cake and maple ginger tea at Shojin

Books I’m reading: The Empath’s Survival Guide; Empath;  Psychic Empath

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