Sunday, July 21, 2019 8:33am

Orange County, CA

 

Dear U,

I woke up at 5am this morning. It’s because I went to bed at 9pm last night. Jet lag.

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It was still dark outside my open window. But there was light outside my door. Which could only mean that my mom was still up. How can she stay up so late? This whole time, these 8 hours of me sleeping, she was up. The hours she keeps is very disorienting to me.

I slowly opened my door and walked downstairs, mindful of each step making little as noise as possible. I wanted to see if she was really still up. The lights in the family room and kitchen are out. So she’s not up, but then around the corner I saw the crack of bright light coming from the guest bathroom (which is her preferred bathroom to use). I heard the click of a toiletry container sound closing, she was getting ready for bed.

I went into the family room (the early light of crack of dawn was just coming up) to grab the pillow I like to use to meditate on when I’m down here, I brought it back to my room, placed the blessed (by the guru) blanket on top and meditated.

By the time I opened my eyes, morning light was coming through my window and the light outside my door was off. She’s in bed.

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I keep telling my mom to go to bed early, she sleeps for 5 hours from 5 to 10am. It feels very oddly little to me.

She says she can’t sleep in the same bed with my stepdad. So I wonder when she went to bed was he there in bed as well? Or was he up before I even woke up at 5? Something about their sleep patterns baffles me.

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I mean I know go to bed later than P. And he comments on it as well. And he’s kinda always trying to get me to bed early.

But, like my mom, I feel the same way, I can’t fall asleep at the same early time he does, and his sleeping makes it hard for me to fall asleep. Which is probably why I tend to fall asleep on the biomat then get up in the middle of the night to crawl to bed.

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I think my relationship with P mirrors that of my mom and stepdad, except my relationship with P is way more functional and loving.

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I think it’s interesting that my mom and I both are living in a giant house by ourselves most of the time. Our respective houses were kinda given to us by our partners and for some reason, they chose to live miles and miles away from us. And for 2 days out of the week, we see our partners.

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I’m a night owl like my mom, slow to get up and start my day.

P, like R, my stepdad, are early risers and love to get out of the house as quickly as they can upon waking.

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Maybe that’s the most striking similarity. Well, there’s also the fact that both our partners are really into the idea of an open relationship. The difference here is that I am too while my mom is not.

So how that translates is that my stepdad cheats on my mom because he thinks she can’t handle the truth, while P openly fucks around and tells me about it..

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I’m happy that I meditated this morning, read Audre Lourde’s Uses of the Erotic, sent out my letter to Z and am writing to you.

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I wiped the dust off my desk in my bedroom, opened my laptop, and here I am, getting back into productive rituals. Maybe with this jetlag, I can actually wake up early and start writing.

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When I was sending off my letter to Z, I heard the sound of the garage door opening. Must be R, my stepdad, coming home, which means he was up before I was and was already out of the house before my mom went to bed.

How strange it must be for him to wake up and see that my mom hasn’t gone to bed yet.

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When he came in, so did Boba, their new dog, who is very excited to see me, he’s taken to climbing up my leg, and getting very close to humping it in excitement.

I asked R when he woke up to today.

He said 3:30am.

And what time did you go to bed?

Around 9:30.

That sounds about right because I went to bed before him at 9.

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He says he usually goes to bed around 8 when he’s in Lancaster and he gets up at 3:30 and goes to the gym at 4:30 and exercises for 2 hours till 6:30.

Wow. Everything about his and my mom’s sleeps patterns seem so weird to me. They’re on these extreme ends of the sleep spectrum, minimizing their overlap of waking hours.

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He said he was in a good mood this morning. When I went upstairs, I had this thought maybe I should take advantage of his good mood and start interviewing him, asking him about his life, I wanna know his story. Before it’s too late. I never had that idea to collect his oral history before until just then.

 

But then I decided to take advantage of this writing mood I’m in and write to you instead. And then outside my window, I saw R get into one of his 3 Mercedes and drive off. Hopefully I’ll get to catch him in a good mood again..

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I finally had the energy to create three more posts and divide the long journal post into their respective weeks and so now you don’t have to go all the way to the bottom of 4 weeks of journal entries to get to here.

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I have so much to fill in on these past few weeks. I’m determined to record what I ate. Speaking of which, I’m kinda hungry. I should probably eat something.

 

 

6:57pm

 

Dear U,

At 11:11am, I drove up to downtown LA in the arts district. I made a resy for me and Z for 11:45 brunch at Manuela. It was located in the Hauser and Wirth building, which was hosting the Litlit (Little Literary) book fair. .

What I put inside me:

Breakfast: acv, green mix, coconut, small fresh kale salad and tahini kale salad from Mother’s

Lunch: Orange Lazarus aperitif cocktail, arugula salad with Santa Rosa plum and goat cheese, yummy cream biscuit with creamy butter and apricot jam, roasted cauliflower with almonds, chilaquiles, and blistered snap peas with sesame dater butter ( agift from the kitchen) at Manuela with Z, everything was yummy and we definitely over-ordered

Snack: a cherry and piece watermelon and pineapple, custom blend juice of carrot, celery, spinach, kale, parsley, and lemon at Mother’s; the rest of the roasted cauliflower

Dinner: a bowl of com tam bi cha thit nguong that mom fixed for me after I woke up frommy jet lag nap and wanted to keep on sleeping

 

Monday, July 22, 2019 7:46am

 

Dear U,

I woke up around 6:30am today, my hours are getting better.

I wrote out in my morning pages, my dream, a question I had and the answer that flowed trough my pen.

I can feel the meditative breath in my chest, so I laid down and meditated

Then I got up went out the front door (left it open) and started a walk, I thought it would be a short one around the cul de sac but the air was so nice and for some strange reason, I began to see the weird beauty in this gated community and kept on exploring the paths that led me to a basketball court, playground, two snails crossing the sidewalk. Everything looked so nice in the morning overcast light. I felt like a child happy that she’s up early to catch all of this.

I picked a flower from our front yard, bright fuschia with an orange center, I wish I knew the name of it. It’s here, sitting in a little bowl filled with water, next to Cutie, who’s wearing her new pink dress my mom crocheted for her last night, she finished most of it while I was asleep.

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Morning pages, meditation, morning walk, and now I’m here, writing to you.

A2 texted asking for suggestions for treatments for anxiety and depression since her cousin is going through some tough times.

This couple with M’s 14 year old cousin committing suicide last Saturday makes me want to create a help page on pervette. How would it look like? A resource guide? A letter?

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I’m going to start my assignment Z gave me, which is to try a different type of writing ritual for 7 days in a row. This week, it’ll be a page a day, every morning..

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10:00pm

 

I’m here with my mom in the family room. We were outside in the backyard from 7 till 9, each of us in our respective patio swings, me and my 5 books, her with her ipad and Cutie’s dress..

She’s working on the flower tassles of Cutie’s dress and it should be done.

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My last night with her. My time at home has been really nice. I can feel myself becoming more observant and accepting of my folks.

 

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Tuesday, July 23, 2019 8:17am

 

Dear U,

I woke up this morning and went downstairs and there was Cutie sitting there in the family room sofa next to my mom’s basket of yarn and crochet needles. She was in her new pink and white dress. My mom must’ve finished making it last night when I was asleep. The flower tassels she worked on last night really made the dress super cute.

My last morning (and day) in the OC. I’m so glad I gave myself more time here, it’s been so nice enjoying time with my mom. And dad and stepdad. I should always come home in the middle of summer. It’s warm. But not unbearably hot.

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Something about these quiet mornings and enjoying the subtle breeze coming in through the window, and the bright gray light in the sky. I’m transported to childhood feelings..

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I’ve been in a very shoppy mood. I got the Chloe Carlina sunglasses I saw at Browns East in London last week. Weird I’m all of a sudden into sunglasses. Who knows, maybe I’ll even be into hats next.

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6:29pm

Berkeley, CA

 

Dear U,

I’m home, at last, sitting on my biomat.

It feels so good to be back.

(There’s something wrong with my spacebar, it’s not very sensitive on the right hand side, hmmm)

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I just meditated. I had the wave come over me as I was talking to my mom (she was growing quiet in our conversation as she was falling asleep crocheting and talking to me)

It feels so good to just hold still, I feel so content, and excited at the same time about all the things I can do, now that I’m finally alone.

I can read (all my books!), write, cook, go for a walk, or I can just sit here and soak in this feeling of being fully present.

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I should catch you up with my day so far.

So I packed all my stuff that was scattered throughout the house. The explosion of toiletries, the clothes,  the books, and receipts. I feel like I can muppet up any place I got to with my giant suitcase of muppet stuff. I think I have over a dozen books with me (even though I offloaded and shipped 5 off in a box when I was in Lisbon).  I even packed the broccoli, shitaake mushrooms, carrots I got but didn’t get to make a stirfry with. Too much eating out and getting too jetlag tired by evening to cook.

Oh I ordered two more of the Sandra top I got at Reformation 2 months ago. It’s becoming my go-to top. I’m telling you I can’t stop..

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Mom told me to take whatever crocheted dresses, fruit and doilies she recently made and she can make more. She had all of her crochet creations in this compartmentalized container box I got her to hold all the beads we got. I didn’t want to take so many because it seem like looking at her box of creations brought her so much joy but she urged me to take more and so I did. I took 5 dresses, some leaves, some fruit, and like that her box was near empty, just one of each kind was left for her as a model to create more.

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I made a giant arugula salad and ate it. Then we were off to Purl Soho.

The last time I was home, we went to two places (Michael’s and JoAnn’s) to get my mom her crocheting supplies, this time I’m home we went to another two places (Velona’s Needlecraft and Purl Soho).

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It’s hot today in the OC, high’s in the mid to upper 90’s. Yikes. Thank goodness I’m taking off now.

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My mom balked at the prices of the yarn and accessories at Purl. She saw skeins of pretty yarn online that was for $3, here it’s $30. I try explaining to her that it’s hand-dyed and kinda local.

She didn’t want me to get her anything, but I did, just a little something. A pom pom maker, and a small bundle of light pink yarn and this pink something string.

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Then we spent the rest of our time in the car, under a shady tree, AC blasting, and I ordered all the $3.65 angora yarn that my mom wanted. All 17 skeins.

Then I got a Lyft (since my mom is too afraid to drive to the airport that’s 10 min away), moved my luggage from one car to the other and headed to JetSuiteX.

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P2 picked me up at JetSuiteX Oakland. I remember the good o’ days when JetsuiteX was still a hidden gem, now it’s definitely not that.

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P2 and I caught up as he drove me home. He has a picture of “The Squad” in his car, he told me about them, the progressive women of color in the House of reps, how they’re his new mythic heroines.

There was a little heat wave here when I was gone.

They’re cutting down more trees and fire hazard-ish shrubs and grass around my house, he reported.

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And when we arrived, he carried my heavy luggage in and brought me 2 avocados, 2 lemons, a bag of plums from his client’s plum tree and a giant mango. He also gave me a photo of Cutie and quote. All of this is becoming a ritual that I welcome as he welcomes me home.

I ate a plum, it was very juicy and yummy. And I started peeling and cutting up the mango we shared it.

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We watched the Michael Cera in the Criterion closet youtube video since it’s now P2’s favorite. I like the films he picked. Ozu’s Morning, Kiriostami’s Close-Up, and the Allan King box set, which I got last year when 5 Star Video was closing and selling all their inventory.

After P2 left, I opened the stacks of mail, tried on the Alo clothes I ordered.

P’s brother sent a book to our house, Consciousness Medicine.

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I love seeing how the plants have grown when I was gone.

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There’s something about this house, its quality is so soothing..

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I could reply to everyone. But I won’t yet. I woke up this morning to a flurry of messages from various guys and guy friends. They all want to hang out. M4 wanted to see if he should try to pull some strings and snag a reservation at Osteria Francescana September. I looked it up, it’s supposedly the world’s best restaurant accoring to the Michelin guide in 2018. The last time M4 and I had a meal, we went to Sweden to dine at Faviken.

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Something is in the air, maybe Venus is in some house astrologically or something.

Maybe a year or two earlier, I would be excited by all this attention and maybe looking forward to going out and meeting up,  but now it just feels like a distraction from my baby, Pervette.

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The weather is perfect here, 71 degrees.

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Made a veggie stirfry, went for a sunset walk, surveying all the cut trees

Cut some flowers in the front yard, placed it in 2 vases, one for the Guanyin altar,  lit 3 candles, one for each Gaunyin shrine, said a prayer, unpacked, mom sent me a photo of mini dress she just crocheted, I set her a photo of Cutie I had just taken of her in the flowers that just bloomed in the front yard..

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Themes: Youtube (mom’s obsession and P’s too as he’s thinking about starting a youtube channel), spring rolls, Mother’s market, mom and her yarn and crochet hooks, me and my new thing for sunglasses,

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Wednesday, July 24, 2019 12:03pm

 

Dear U,

I did it, I wrote a page (and then some) for Pervette. It’s the dominatrix page. It’s just about to open up, as I open up..

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It was an interesting morning. I woke up from a dream where I had a friend extract my embryo eggs for me and I was carrying it out around in a clear kaboodle case. I got distracted by people and things around campus (I was at some school) and forgot to go immediately to the freezer to store it. I walked by these booths, one person had on display their homemade zines, another their spiritual opbjects, holograms?

I think it means I need to get my embryos frozen this year and not distracted by my various writing and creative projects.

I woke up thinking I should make an appointment with Kaiser to get my IUD taken out. I’m very excited to get my period again and be a normal woman with a moon cycle. I have a feeling it’ll help me develop my intuition (with my body and beyond) even more.

I’m curious to see if the doc removing my IUD can see if any damage was done to my cervix when it was placed in there 5 years ago by a male doctor who had lots of trouble inserting the Mirena inside me. It was very a very bloody painful experience (literally), protracted and traumatic, which I only realized its severity afterwards, when I got inside my car and started crying uncontrollably.

I figure since P and I have sex pretty infrequently, it double doesn’t make any sense to have this inside me.

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Have I talked about my sex drive? It’s very ambiguous to me. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m so deep in monk mode or if it’s because of the IUD or some other variable, I have no desire for it.

I mean I still masturbate, but the desire to have sex with another, is very very slim. I don’t mind it, I actually like this feeling of not desiring. It makes me feel like I’m graduating to another level of meditation and just being quite content with everything and nothing.

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Or maybe just plain old sex is not cutting it for me anymore, which makes me very curious about tantra, esp with P.

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Anyways, I had a few intuitions about the day, schedule an IUD removal and read to get inspire to write.

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I’ve been doing this thing where I ask a question in my morning pages, seeking some guidance about something unclear and I let my subconscious flow and answer. It’s been very helpful. You should  give it a try. I should try to remember to do this more often.

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I thought I was gonna go straight into meditation or go for a morning walk since I woke up early, 6:30ish. But instead I made two Amazon orders, the first was for two round outdoor mats to replace the ones in the front deck that’s been weathered down and  a pair of Blubox Casper Sleep+ blue blocking glasses. And the second for a third round mat for the back deck. The reason for the impulsive rug purchases was because it was such a nice day, I really wanted to sit outside, on the ground, close my eyes and meditate, but the OCD me needs a few new rugs to sit on. I ordered it with my AMEX that P got me (which is used for household items and travel). I was tempted to sneak in a pair of green color therapy and Carl Jung book (called Synchronicity) in the second purchase but at the last minute deleted it as it’s not really a household purchase (neither was the Blubox glasses in the first order, shhh!)

My two orders were separated by a masturbation session, to make up for all the non-masturbation during the Europe trip.

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I got carried away and replaced the water filters in the Berkey filter, which was a longer than I thought process. “Priming the filters” involved placing it right under the tap and turning the water on, which sprayed water all over me and the kitchen, I had to do that 4 times for each of the 2 regular and fluoride filters. And wipe up all the sprayed water

I watered all the plants. The water ran through the fig tree soil and spilled over the tray and got on to the hardwood floors. It’s a water everywhere kinda day.

But at least it felt good to get the house in order. I could feel guilty for going into an Amazon binge and getting distracted from my morning walk, meditation, and writing, but oh well..

I take it as the House was communicating to me, to pour some love (i.e., rugs) and energy into it now that I’m back after being away for so long.

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I made up for the “non-productive” start soon after Z sent me a photo of her desk, by the window, with her open Macbook on it. It motivated me to wipe down the patio table and chairs and set my Macbook down, along with a glass of water with 8 different kinds of tinctures in it and Cutie.

I cleaned the computer screen, opened up a writing program, Omm..

I took a picture and sent it to Z.

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I like how a picture says and inspires discipline more any string of words can.

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Following my intuition, I went to my luggage downstairs and pulled out the multilingual bible that I stole from Rosa Alpina when I was at the Dolomites 2 weeks ago.

Why did I steal this bible?

There was something about the opening pages right before the bible began, the way it engaged the reader to read on, that felt fruitful for Pervette.

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I read the opening and got inspired and started writing.

I have no qualms lifting a few words from the intro to Bible and replacing “Jesus Christ” with “Dominatrix” and “gospel” with “pervette.” I find it rather amusing.

There was no designated author of the intro to the Bible, so who am I really stealing from?

Besides, it was more a template I was borrowing, it’s kinda like Mad Libs style. How I created gaps and filled it in made it a completely different text.

But the thrust was similar, as these hotel bibles and its religious distributors are trying to spread “the word” as far and widely as possible.

Anyways, if the Dominatrix text sounds strangely compelling to you, it’s because I borrowed its bravado from the Bible.

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I originally thought the bible was in English and Italian, because the border of the pages were white, red, white and red(thinking the white section was Italian and red English). But upon examining the bible more closely, it’s actually in 4 languages..Italian (white), English (red), French (white), and German (red). Very inspiring (yet again). I want my book to be multi-lingual like this bible.

I also love the flexi plastic cover.

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Did I tell you that I had this idea last week..

I’m going to learn all the languages of the world, or at least 17, by writing my essay/speech on my Theory of Everything and transcribing them into different languages and getting an instructor of each language to help me give my speech, nailing the accent and all.

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Me and my messianic ideas…

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I moved from outside patio to inside biomat (because of the tree cutting noise) to outside patio to inside biomat (because of the lack of shade

Whoa. This sunny day is warming up quite rapidly.

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I’m excited, I read and wrote, I’m starting my practice of pervette content creation..

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And I meditated when the wave hit me when I was outside before I started to write.

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I supposed at some point, I should get back to everyone, set up some times to get together, or not..

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I wonder if I’ll make it to yoga at 4:30 today, I hope so. If I do, it’ll be a perfect day of pervetting, meditating, eating cleanly and exercising..

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I think  the reason why I’ve been on such a buying new clothes/sunglasse kick is because Cutie got new clothes.

I’m not blaming it on Cutie. It’s not  a blame game. I’m just pointing out a connection.

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I google “how many words does a writer write a day?”

Hemingway-500 words

Stephen King-2000 words

J.G. Ballard-1,000 words

Ian McEwan-600 words

Ann Rice-3000 words

Graham Greene-500 words

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In my 2 days of a page a day, it’s been a little over 600 words.

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I just called L from Kaiser and left her a message to schedule an appt to take out my IUD

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Whoa, it’s getting warm.

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I washed the dishes, put my watered plants back in their pots and respective spots.

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(later that day)

I went to 4:30 yoga with my favorite japanese instructor. She remembered me even though I haven’t been to class in forever.

It turns out we were both in the Dolomites, the alps of Italy, at the same time. She said we got lucky with the weather, weeks before it was unbearably hot, too hot to hike.

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Something about her talking about our travels prompted me to think about posting something on social media about my travels. Am I being lazy and falling off into irrelevancy. Others would jump at the opportunity to share about their travels, and mine was pretty amazing. If it’s not shared, did it even happen? I know that’s ridiculous.

But in my yoga practice I found myself having to stay focused bc I was thinking about Instagram..to post or not to post?

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I love’s A’s instruction, it encompasses true alignment of mind and body. She’s a really good teacher.

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Afterwards, I went to Berkeley Natural grocery and got some mushroom, bone broth, etc. I paid with my debit card and got $20 cash back.

Then I got a text from Chase that my account is less than $50. $10 to be exact. So I went straight from the Berkeley Grocery to the bank to deposit back the $20.

Just a few weeks, ago, I was staying at the Aman and helicoptering to the English countryside and now here I am with $30 in my bank account and a pretty hefty credit card bill (to the tune of 7K).

I am the child of poverty and gluttony.

And oh shit. I got a spending problem.

I blame it on traveling…

 

Thursday, July 25, 2019 10:23am

 

Dear U,

I woke up around 7:30am this morning, walked out my bedroom door, out my backyard gate (which is covered in jasmine now-it smells amazing) and into the field, everything has been cut down.  I walked to the secret spot, and wrote out my dream in my journal and was going to write out my morning pages but then the ink in my pen ran out.

I walked back, I can tell my mind is scattered, I have some slight anxiety ever since yesterday, when I thought about needing to post something about my whereabouts on social media and also when I realized that I have less than $40 in my bank account.

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When I got back, I decided I need to get back into meditation. So I went into the pink chill room and set the meditation timer on my phone and started turned the one hour hourglass upside down..

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It was a very long meditation, I kept opening my eyes to see how much sand was left in the upper part of the hour glass. It calmed me down some, even though I feel this frenetic energy to do a lot of things all at once..

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I’m here now outside in the upper back deck, sitting at the bistro chair, one of my neighbors is playing the piano, beautifully. I should grab the recorder..

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Recorder on. Do I hear a violin?

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It’s a perfect summer day. The air is calm, the sun is bright, the sky is blue. It’s too perfect, I almost don’t know what to do with myself.

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I don’t know how people who work can do it. I feel so much right now. Even a morning walk and meditation isn’t fully defragging my brain, it’s still slightly racing, yet at the same time there’s the is subtle calmness at the center, trying to expand outward, but thoughts keep coming..

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Order of operations.. write my one page for pervette, maybe work on my social media post go to the post office pick up my crystal cage veil (it’s been sitting there since June 13), go to public storage, swap out the credit card on file to the AMEX and grab my olivetti typewriter case (and put typewriter in it), go to Amazon 4 star and drop off my Blubox blueblocking glasses (got them last night, they’re flimsy and too big and keep sliding off my nose, totally not worth $112), go to typewriter store and drop off typewriter to have them fix the space bar, go to M’s work and drop off hula hoops for him to deliver to N, go to Walgreens/fedex to pickup my Agent Provocatuer package and drop off my ALo returns, then go to farmer’s market buy a ton of produce.

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I need to get to the bottom of my anxiety about social media. The thought of engaging in it stresses me out. Should I not post? But if I don’t, will I fade away? I should at least post about my travels, like what everyone else does, right. I dunno…

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WTF. Maybe because I’m a hyper sensitive empath, I can feel everything, and social media is just this onslaught of attention grabbing words and images.

How do it thoughtfully? How do I make my posts meaningful, and worth it for me and the viewer?
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I’m grateful that I gave myself 3 or 4 years of time off from it. Some part of me knows its importance in spreading messages. But there’s something about it that doesn’t feel good. I’ve been really good at not opening my Twitter and Instagram apps. I think it’s a good practice to not get sucked in.

Even the thought of engaging in it stresses me out. Should I not engage? Should I learn how to engage without anxiety. I feel like the younger kids do it like it’s no big deal. Why does it make me so anxious?

 

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12:04pm

The battery of my macbook was running low so I went in to charge it

I did the dishes, masturbated (awww!), print out the ALo returns label, gathered a few books to read and inspire me, Binti, Dirty Pretty Things, Rumi: The Big Red Book, David Shield’s The Trouble With Men & Enough About You, Consciousness Medicine

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I’m back outside, the piano playing just stopped, the piano player neighbor must’ve been playing for a strait hour.

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Post Europe finances mirror post-Bali finances.. Which is in the red.

I’m not gonna go into my conspicuous consumptions now. I wrote about it in my mornign pages, yes yes I have a spending problem, I get these waves. I blame it on the traveling, and all the amazingly well curated shops I happened upon in East London.

Anyways, I’m done brain-shaming myself.  I ‘m good now. No more frivolous spending. I got everything I need and more. Just gonna spend money on really good organic food, that’s all.

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Anyways, it’s all a good motivator to get going on Pervette. Build and open up the rabbitholes..

I’m not gonna be officially off my sabbatical until I create the “application process” through Pervette.

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The way I type (incorrectly) is causing my hand to cramp.

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Okay, I’m not gonna make lunch or leave the house until I write my one page..

Here I go…

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2:22pm

Created the new Dominatrix page and its subsequent pages, it’s a start..

 

8:56pm

I’m developing the disciplined practice of meditating and writing. I notice that when I meditate in the morning, I eat less and more mindfully during the day.

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After my writing, I thought I was going to make a spinach salad but I wasn’t in the mood for a salad, so I juiced the spinach I had and carrot, topped it with bee pollen and coconut shreds and goji berries and drank the bitter juice.

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I ran my errands, skipped public storage, went to the post office to pick up my package but alas the post office shipped it back to Russia since they don’t hold packages for over a month. Fuck. Oh well.

I got 2 sheets of Moon Landing stamps (one for me and one for P), railroad stamps, and post office mural stamps. I know I’m broke, but these are stamps, I love stamps, and if I don’t get them now, they’ll be gone next week..

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I went to California Typewriter. K, the black man with the deepest voice ever, took a minute to fix my space bar issue. Sweet!

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I went to M’s work to hand him the 4 red hula hoops to deliver to N. I texted him I’m outside. No reply. I parked in front of the building and hung out in the car, messaging the Etsy person about my returned package. Then I heard someone whistling as they were walking into the building.

Is that M?

I ran after him, just as he was in the elevator he heard me call his name.

Serendipity he says, since he got the wrong phone on him and didn’t see my message.

.

He told me what happened, the details of how his cousin, just 14 years old, Level 8  gymnast with anxiety attacks, ended her life last Saturday. She jumped out of her two story window, landed head first.

.

I’m looking forward to spending time with M next week, we had plans to do a spiritual journey that kept getting postponed because P was in town or I was out of town, but he  figure it might be better to wait (since he’s not feeling in the right headspace) and just have a hangout with Mary Jane instead.

.

Farmer’s market..

.

I got home right before P2 arrived with Cutie…they had a wonderful 26 hours together. He thinks he can feel her aliveness more when he’s with her than apart, which only confirms our theory of her aliveness..

.

As I cook, P2 reads to me an article clipping from the East Bay Express about these publishing houses are using the subscription model to generate revenue. He thinks maybe Pervette can operate under some similar model.

.

It would be kinda cool if Pervette published books and zines.

.

I told P2 about my fantasy earlier today, that if/when Pervette actually generates money, I would love to hire him, M and B (my other subs). I can see them all working on/for Pervette and be really into it. B is unemployed, M is working at some health tech thing, and P paints houses. I think they would have a way more fun time working for me.

P2 said he can see us working in the one of the unsused rooms downstairs.

I can see that too.

.

 

P2 tells me I shouldn’t worry about being absent on social media. By the time he said that, I too had worked it out in my head and the anxiety was gone. I wasn’t gonna post today, or this week, I’ll do it when I have the Dominatrix portal open.

All my posts will connect to Pervette to singal boost her. That feels right to me.

.

P2 thinks the mystique of many dommes get lost in the proliferation of their posts.

.

I made a salad for us with the spring mix, blueberries and walnuts I got at the farmer’s markets.

.

I check the film listings to see what’s in theatre. We watch two trailers. Vita and Virginia looks interesting..Pieces of Me, whoa..

We make tentative plans to catch the Toni Morrison doc this Sunday..

.

Right after P2 left, P factimed me. He’s still in Tokyo (continuing on in his around the world tour). Hementions again how he wants to get a furnished apt in Tokyo for the month of October.

.

I catch the sunset with Cutie.

 

I reply to M4, J, and G.

.

I tell M4 I’m ready to start our Pervette writing project

 

Z texts me.. she wants me to meet her friend Y, who just led a workshop on Power in the Coven and is open to giving us a private workshop. I actually have a few of Y’s books and love them. Amazing..

.

I paid $6 to get my expanded weekly audio horoscope from Rob Breznhy yesterday. He said something about accepting all the blessings that are coming my way, the more that I give generously what my superpower is, the more I will receive, or something like that…

.

Funny how I was anxious and uncertain this morning and now I feel so clear, focused and ready..

.

I need to keep up this meditation practice..

 

What I had: acv, lemon water, orac greens+chlorella+total nutrition, juiced spinach and carrot with bee pollen, goji berries and coconut shreds, boiled egg and avocado on toasted yucan cracker, samples of a few different types of melon at the farmer’s market, the usual hearty salad I made for me and P2, basil seed pudding and sliced plums, bee pollen and coconut, rosemary (from my garden) tea, and dandy blend latte.

 

Friday, July 26, 2019 10:22am

 

Dear U,

I got up at 7:30, meditated first thing (it went by more quickly than yesterday), then did my morning pages, signed up for my first barre class at 5:30 today.

Now I’m gonna read and write my one page..

.

Building rituals of a good day: meditate, pervette, exercise and eat well.

.

 

1:23pm

I wrote my page on BDSM. It was tough at first. But I did it.

I made a giant salad and ate it. A the gardener is trimming the overgrown grass. I have him a check and told him not to cash it out until Aug. 1st.

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I feel uncertain what to do next. I’m on the biomat, surrounded by stacks of books, my mom’s crochet creations, clothes I’ve taken off to lay on the biomat and pens and pencils. It’s a muppet mess. Maybe I should tidy up my surrounding. That can help me gain some clarity.

 

2:38pm

I can’t put my finger on this subtle strange uncomfortable energy in my chest.

I meditated, which helped. Stop short to record my day yesterday (in case I lose it)

Pulled out the ouija board-what should my rate be?

6, the pointer pointed to

For 600

.

Not too high, not too low.

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I’m very curious about this feeling I feel. It’s strange energy, stuck and wants to break through. It helped to meditate and clean.

.

About to take a consultation call with K, one of the Domme Bootcamp participants, whose marriage is on the rocks

.

3:44pm

Just had a conversation with K.

Now I know where that stuck uncomfortable feeling was coming from. I was feeling into her.

She was depressed and stuck, fearing the “separation” conversation that she knows she should have with her husband.

.

I pointed out the fantasies that she had of her husband, how it kept on disappointing her.

I helped her find a way to have the conversation in a loving way, one where she owns her responsibility, acknowledge his feelings, and see that both their needs weren’t met in the relationship..

She felt relieved that there was a gentle and nice way to have the difficult conversation.

.

We both felt better at the end of the conversation. I know I did. I thought that stagnant uneasiness was coming from PMS. I spotted my panties today, which is rare, to see blood coming from my vagina ever since I got the IUD.

.

I’m so excited about getting my IUD out. When I was talking to P yesterday, he felt the same way too.

.

I’m also looking forward to my Bar Express class coming up..

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I feel very healthy. Compared to my gluttonous month in Europe (filled with yummy bread, yogurt, gelato, cakes, croissants, cannabis and wine), this is a 180.

Back to lectin free, drug-free and sorta intermittent fasting

I’m also determined to get into a good exercise routine. Like I’ve never really had before (except for that one time I had a personal trainer).

Aerial on Monday, Yoga on Wednesday, Bar or Pilates on Thur or Fri

Walks in between..

.

I was 117 pounds yesterday morning, this morning I was 116.

I usually don’t weight myself. But for purposes of wanting to some tangible marker of progress..

I must’ve gained 4 pounds in Europe.

.

The skinniest I’ve been in the past 5 years was 104. But that was pretty emaciated skinny.

.

I wanna be 111 pounds.

But I’d be happy if I was 114.

Anyways.. I can see how weighing myself is prolly not a good idea..

Subtly reminds me of my eating disorder days.

 

.

A texted yesterday, he’s almost done fundraising and wants to see me this weekend or next week. I said we can feel into Sunday or next week is great.

He said let’s do Sunday.

.

I was actually hoping to stall. I’m still in detox monk mode.

8:12pm

 

Holy fuck. The “Bar Express” was kinda insane. It was only 45 minutes, but it was intense. I didn’t expect that they would happy hardcore music and the instructor would be giving directives over the speaker and the rapid drill-like movements through the exercises. I wish I had the recorder on.

It’s like the opposite of my mindful yoga class Wednesday. Anyways, I felt the burn. It was slightly masochistic.

But I do feel good after getting my heart rate up.

.

I went to Monterey Market afterwards to pick up more shitake mushrooms, avocados, lemons, limes, etc. Feels like I’m mirroring Wednesday evening. Workout and grocery store.

.

On the ride home, my right eye started twitching. When I was talking to K, she told me her eye has  been twitching for the past three months, due to stress. Empath me is feeling it too. It stopped now.

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Riding up the hill and turning the corner into my cul de sac, I was waved down by two African-American guys in dress shirts collecting donations/subscriptions to send magazines to kids’ youth centers. They were nice-seeming and trying to be relatable asking what I did for work. I was feeling honest so I told them I was a dominatrix. I wish I had the recorder on. The confused looks on their faces was priceless. One didn’t know what that was. Umm I dominate men, I told them. The confused one was still confused and the other one said he’ll explain it to him later.

I offered them the last $20 bill I had in my wallet. But they said they work off commission and that wouldn’t work.

They seem disappointed. I wish I told them that I had to 7000 in credit card debt and $30 in my bank account, just so they know I honestly am giving them what I can offer.

.

My two round rugs arrived today. I unwrapped them from the plastic and unrolled them. I swept the front deck that’s right outside the door of the moon room (my biomat is right next to the door, so I’m just a step away from biomat to outdoor round mat).

.

I’m oddly not hungry. I just had a handful of cherries. Part of me wonders if I should cook dinner.

I’m gonna listen to my body and not eat until I’m hungry.

Maybe I’ll just heat up some bone broth.

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More men are coming out of the woodwork, wanting to get together and collaborate..

Something is in the air.

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I feel like I have energy to read and write and maybe even go for a run. But there’s also a part of me that thinks sitting still is probably just as good.

I’ve been noticing the modulations in my mood from moment to moment. Remember noon today before the call with K? I felt that weird heaviness in my chest and was so uncomfortably stuck, now I’m light as a feather.

Empath me and my fluctuating energy fields.

.

Think I’m gonna read, write to Z about what I want in an editor and then

Inside me: acv, lemon water, psyllium husk, rosemary brain tea, walnuts, my hearty salad, 1/2 bar 100% cacao dark chocolate, psyllium husk, orac greens mix, and cherries.

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It’s been on my mind for quite some time now (the past year or so) even more so now than ever, should I clean Cutie or not? Would it change her if I removed all the dust and dirt she collected from all these years? Should I add a cottonball inside her nose? Should I do some heart surgery and put the tiny glass heart (that P2 gave me and she’s been carrying inside her satchel) inside her chest? Big decisions..still unsure..

 

 

Themes: Jenny Odell’s How to Do Nothing assuaging my anxiety, getting disciplined and hitting the four pillars of a solid day: meditation, pervetting, eating well, and exercising, excited about exercising for the first time in a long time, what’s going on?

 

 

.

Ordered 2 cases of black nitrile gloves for the dungeon

And the slimjim electro urethral insert and electraloop for S2’s session coming up..

.

11:28pm

 

Here’s what I worked on for the past hour, my letter to my new editor, who is also my new student, in our “power exchange” project..

 

..

Dear Mistress Jacaranda,

(I just wanted to see what your potential Domme name looks like at the very top of my letter. I like it. But most importantly, how do you like it?)

.

Anyways, to answer your thought-provoking questions, I think what I’m looking for in an editor is someone who can tell me how I’m doing, how my writing comes off, and give me feedback to help me get better. I wouldn’t quite call myself a writer just yet because I’ve never written anything really “writerly.” I wrote some crappy essays in college, academic papers and a dissertation in grad school and a few posts on Pervette v.1.0. And everything after that has been random stream of consciousness-like writing on the current Pervette site, which I haven’t officially launched because I don’t want to call anyone’s attention to my rambling writing on my “placeholder” pages. As you can see, I don’t feel confident about my writing. I haven’t really written much, other than journaling. I don’t know what my writing sounds like to others. It is enjoyable or annoying to read? I’m not an avid reader (I impulsively buy books, yes. Read them? A page here and there at a time bibliomancy style). And I keep on hearing that to be a good writer you have to be a good reader. And so I’m a self-doubting writer half the time. The other half the time, when I write and when it flows, all I know is that it feels good, to know what I think.

I think writing is this deeply intimate and vulnerable exercise, one I’ve been trying to work on in the past few years. I think the reason why Pervette hasn’t officially launched yet is that everything about writing is still new to me and I have no idea if anything I’m writing is coherent or good enough. And so I write, post, and doubt.
Also, I’m bad with and tenses and structure, I realize.
I just want to write so I can share myself, my stories and theories and visions and so forth. So I just write as if I’m talking. I have no other style, really.
.
So I guess what I’m looking for is someone who is willing to read my writing and tell me like it is. What’s working, what’s not. And show me through their edits a clear and better way to express myself, all the while still maintaining my voice.
Ultimately I want someone to show me how or tell me when my writing is good enough to share.
I think the feedback will definitely help me improve my writing and help build some confidence around it.
I am pretty sensitive to what people think about my work. But I try my best to not take it personally, so hopefully I can handle all the critical feedback that I’ve never received before. It’ll be good to see how thick my skin is and at the least, start developing one.
.
What I hope to gain from this experience is self-discipline, confidence, honest feedback and ways to improve.  It would be nice to gain good practices that can make me a better writer. I think most importanly, I would love to gain confidence in my voice and style of writing. Oh and I love suggestions, writing prompts, authors and books to read that can inspire me to write more and get creative.
I would love to get to a point where I can call myself a writer.  And I think what comes with that is a strong work ethic, a strong voice, confidence in my own unique style, and some affirmation that what I’m writing is worth reading.
.
I do have questions about writing.
What things did you learn in school that helped you become a better writer?
Is it just a process of receive prompt, write, share, get feedback, revise and repeat?
Or is there more?
Should I be taking writing classes?
.
.
Is there such a thing as bad poetry?
How does one begin to write poetry?
I feel like I want to explore poetry but I don’t know if there’s a how-to process or is it just write until it sounds good to you?
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I gravitate towards reading and writing essays, self-help, and memoir, essentially non-fiction
I don’t see the allure of fiction. It feels like escapism from reality.
I think the only fiction I can see myself writing is sci-fi, because it’s a vision or best guess of what the future might be, which is a potential reality.
For a reality slut like me, can you tell me why it’s worth it to get into fiction?
.
I think that’s all I have for now.
Thanks for taking the time read this and for being my first editor 🙂
I’m so happy you want to be my editor, you have no idea!
It feels so good.
..C
..
After I sent off the letter, I stepped out into the little front deck and meditated on my new mat surrounded by my trees and plants, and above me the bright stars. Then I stepped back in, sat on my biomat (which is next to the door of the deck) and started reading my horoscope on Co-star. And then I noticed a little coyote popped in through the bushes and started sniffing out my new mat, walking around it several times. I wonder if he can sense new smells. Or the smell of new mat. He waled almost all the way up to the door.  We were just 2 feet away from each other, separated by a pane of glass. Then he looked at me looking at him, we stared at each other for a while, a good 2 minutes, before he sauntered off..
If I had decided to meditate just 5 min longer outside, would he have walked up to me as my eyes were closed? I’m sure I would’ve heard him coming. Why do I assume this little baby coyote is a he?
.
I should look up spiritual meaning of coyote.
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I did:

Transformation Through Self-Reflection

The coyote is often thought of as a trickster, a joker, and even a shape-shifter, but he is also revered, especially in Native American culture, as an important messenger of personal transformation through self-reflection. A coyote sighting is generally a message to take a look within, to not take life too seriously, to lighten up, and to learn to laugh at ourselves and even our mistakes. Coyotes also remind us that anything we do to others will come back to us—good or bad.

A Shamanic View

Anyone can have a coyote sighting (or hear them) even if it’s not their totem animal. When you see a coyote, it can be a reminder to look at things you may have been avoiding. Imagine the coyote as a reflection of yourself. He says, “Look at me. I’m adaptable to my environment. I am serious and even cunning, yet also playful and fun-loving.” He wants to remind you to see your full reflection and focus on your whole life instead of just one part. It’s no fun to be all work and no play, and the coyote knows this.

What is the Meaning of Your Coyote Sighting?

Do you feel stuck in a rut? Are you someone who takes life too seriously and does not acknowledge the lighter side of things? Even if you are pegged with burdens and responsibilities, it’s okay, and even necessary, to enjoy life when possible. Allow yourself to be silly and even show vulnerability in areas where you might usually seek perfection.

Coyote Legends

Coyotes are shapeshifters in some legends, and changing the shape of your outlook on life can certainly shift your perspective overall. The coyote energy will keep showing up until you work on taking a more balanced approach to life. The Great Spirit sends us the help that we need most when we need it.

Not all Native American stories see the coyote as only good or only evil, but most believe he represents a balance. Balance cannot exist without both good and evil, life and death, beginnings and endings. We must be our true selves. To wear a mask, or to appear as we are not, or to show a false face, prevents us from connecting with God or the Creator.

The Navajo believe that if you have a coyote sighting, it is a warning to turn around; traveling on as intended will not lead to good things.The Shoshoni believe the coyote symbolizes endings—which make way for new beginnings. In other words, coyotes symbolize a natural balance in life. The Comanche have an ancient story about a monster who stole all of the buffalo and a young boy. In order to stop the boy from crying, the coyotes howled and in turn, the buffalo scattered. Soon they covered the land again. Thus, the coyote saved the life of a young boy and the buffalo population as well.

A Mirror Image

In some stories, the coyote is revered as smart, cunning and knowledgeable. In others, he is a trickster who is also sometimes silly and laughable. As people, we are also all of these things, and thus the coyote is a mirror image of ourselves. Maybe you’ll look at coyotes differently now.

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Okay, on that note, g’night..

Saturday, July 27, 2019 9:59am
Dear U,
I woke up at 6:47am and went into a one hour meditation, third day in a row. The sits keep  getting shorter and more insightful and easeful. I reconciled my dilemma with social media, the idea came to me. It’s the solution of how to make my engagement meaningful and fun for me. It folds in with my practice in writing…
It’s a surprise, I’ll share with you later.
.
I also know what I want to write to K to help her through the seperation
.
Meditation makes you so agile.
.
I just realize that because I started meditating first thing in the morning, everything else comes so easily in the unfolding of the day, the pervetting, the exercise, the eating mindfully. Holy fuck. It’s incredible.
.
I feel excited, motivated, and focused.
.
I just bought a package of private pilates classes  and am going to do my first private pilates lesson this Thursday. Wheee!
.
Fill in later
.
I listened to what Dad was saying…
.
Session with slave A..palo santo..
.
Surprised visit at P2’s place
.
Intuition drive to Rose Garden
stalker me
.
turkey crossing
.
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I felt her presence even though she wasn’t there
.
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Slow bliss trance
.
Deposit money I made in to my bank
P called, he’s on his way to Narita airport to fly back to Hong Kong
He’s inspired by my new self-disciplne
in meditation
.
Home –
made salad ate outside
.
eating berries from my tree
.
sitting on my mandala mat taking in the greenery and sounds
slowing down even further
.
gloaming walk with  the bats
.
dog bark
.
Reading Colette’s Marie Claire’s advice column..
.
Editing Z’s dating app photos broke the trance
Should I send P the sexy photo of me I took for him?
I didn’t
.
I replied to M.
And C
.
Everyone is reaching out, wantotn got connect, these are the blessings coming in, becuase it’s time, I feel it, to connect and create…
.
Photo above: Cutie in her new dress my mom made for her among the unexpected new bloom of flowers in my front yard that was planted this past March.
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Back to my previous week