Themes: Hitting the 4 pillars of a perfect day, Toni Morrison: The Pieces I am, Return of the steak in my home, my night with A, my night with G, IUD out, libido back, eating meat again, carnal desire, hot chocolate protein drinks, meditation, so motivated to get fit..can’t stop doing aerial/yoga/pilates/bar, writing an hour (glass) a day, on my period/moon, new moon in Leo, bloody panties, blood work analysis, need more protein and morning light, colder witchy nights, P and his vision of a house in Washington, future of Mupp HQ in my hands, goals..make 11K/month on pervette in 6 months, fuck ton of books on being a successful working woman, lots of bleeedinng, reading Dirty Pretty Things
Sunday, July 28, 2019 9:57am
Dear U,
I woke up at 7:17am. It’s another warm day. So I decided to take my larger new mandala mat out and placed it on  the deck outside my bedroom, I placed my zabuton on it and then my zafu and on top of the zafu, my blessed blanket from the guru and I meditated for an hour.
The air was perfect, at one moment, it got warmer and I can smell the jasmine behind me. I opened my eyes quite a few times. I was so still the little brown birds started to arrive and fly and hop around me. They were so cute. I tihnk Cutie enjoyed watching them too. I feel inspired by Jenny Odell to learn more these native birds, I want to know their names and sounds.
So neat to see that if I’m still enough, I can begin to see how the birds have made my home theirs. I remember P2 spotting a bird’s nest in my magnolia tree.
I feel very inspired by Jenny Odell and the concept she brought up of bioregionalism.
Something about the visit to the rose garden that she frequents yesterday, I  felt her her energy and presence rub off on me..
I know it’s a matter of divine timing when we’ll meet and hopefully collaborate.
Last night, I had cancelled my signup to be on the waitlist for the 11am Bar Method class.
After my meditation, while I was writing my morning pages, I checked the Bar class schedule, 5 spots have magically opened up for the 11am class. Should I sign up? If I do, I have to go or else it’s a late cancellation, costing me to lose a class out of my 3 class package.
Hmm can I write my one page for Pervette before 10:30am and then make it to the 11am class?
That’s ambitious. It was almost 9. Some part of me said go for it. So I did.
Even though I didn’t know what I was going to write. I felt like I didn’t have it in me to write something for the Dominatrix path.
But then I realized I can write my letter to M or Z, those letters will eventually go on Pervette.
Insight: I don’t think I’m a writer because I don’t write “writing pieces” but actually I have a ton of experience writing.. emails and letters..
This is the format that comes naturally to me..
So I’ll write a letter to M, my former slave that’s resurfacing and who just said yes to my co-creating idea..
But when I opened my writinng program to start a new doc, I saw the old doc I started yesrterday. It was blank except for one line at the top..
What are my desires?
And then I wrote.
Add before i know it I had a page before 10am..
Holy fuck. I’m doing it. The 4 pillars of a good day is coming effortlessly.
Meditating, writing, in a bit exercising
And everyday cooking and eating well and mindfully is second nature to me.
Okay, I’m gonna have some green tea and go to this sadistic bar class..



Bar class was intense, but good. I like getting corrected by the instructor, everytime she adjusts my body, I can feel the burn. I always seem to get a high after class. This is slightly addictive.


I can’t believe I got an hour of meditation in, an hour of writing in and an hour of exercise in all before noon.


P2 comes over at 1 and I drive us to the the Albany Twin to catch Toni Morrison: Pieces of Me.

As usual,  I was taking notes during the film. It was very inspirational.



Monday, July 29th, 2019 11:39am


Dear U,

The air is much cooler today. The heat wave must’ve past at sunset last night.

I woke up later than my usual of this past week, 8:31am.

I was up late. A left at 11:11pm. I talked to P till little past midnight and then for some reason I went on to Atsuko Kudo to peruse the latex minidress, tops and bodysuit sections.

I fell asleep around 1:30 something listening to How to Do Nothing


Meditation was good this morning. Back to indoors in the pink zen den.

I realize I don’t use the hour glass to meditate as I thought I would when I brought it last month. I kept opening my eyes to see if all the sand had past through the skinnt waist of the glass.

Maybe I’ll use it for writing. To write for an hour.


It’s a new week, according to my editor’s assignment, I’m to try a new writing practice. Last week was a page a day. This week I can choose between word count or time.

I’m gonna change it up and do time. And use this hour glass.


As I wrote in my morning pages, I had the idea to write about last night for Pervette.

My night with A.

And I would send it to him.

Because so much happened. Not just with him, but with myself, before, during and after our encounter.

I want to capture the time and place and feelings.


I always wanted to record with perfect detail about our nights, they’re few and far in between and so cinematically precious to me.


I had taken one of P’s new but abandoned notebooks and used it as my new monring pages journal, but the coil binding and small space in between the square lines cramped my writing flow. My handwriting was choppy and unfluid. I thnk I’ll tear out those pages and staple it to my new notebook that  I’m going to buy for my morning pages. Even tough I have over 400 blank notebooks (collected from around the world) I’m going to buy a new notebook.


As I wrote I remembered the words P said last night in our phone call after I sent him a somewhat sexy pic of me in the suspenders and stockings he sorta got me at the Verona airport (I asked if he had 100 euros to spare, he did).


Tears started to flow uncontrollably. I guess some part of me wanted him to say something nicer than I looked “passable” for a woman.

It’s our way of joking, laughing at the fact that I’m so androgynous now and we’re so asexual that we don’t actually know how to re-engage in any erotic way.

That photo was taken for him after my session Saturday. That was my attempt to be sexy for him after 4 years of never really trying.

Even though I was crying I felt nothing but the bliss of blamelessness. It wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t mine, it was our unfolding our our mupp ways.

We only know how to be this strange androgynous mupp to each other.


Anyways, all of this came after a night of A wanting to fuck me and P telling me about sexual escapades in Hong Kong and Tokyo.


I’m beginning to see that the writing I ought to do isn’t just the guidng the visitor down the Pervette paths writing. But there’s the writing that I need to do to capture these poignant snapshots of my life, that speak to the nuances of desire (or the lack thereof) and complex open relationships.


Maybe I can be the modern day Colette.


I love how I can make everyone part of my writing project. Funny how the idea came to me near the end or after my meditation. I want to write about last night..


I’m excited to send this to A. To let him read what’s inside my head. So he can understand me, why I said “I’m note sure” when he asked how I felt about us fucking..

So much of this dance feels like a game, of guessing and wondering, but it doesn’t have to be..


Okay. I’m going to make a dandy blend tea.

Eat a piece of 91% cacao chocolate that A brought for me

Turn the hour glass over and start…





Right before I made my dandy blend latte, the mailman knocked and delivered my Chloe sunglasses that I ordered from  the UK. When I put them on, they didn’t look as I remembered they did when I put on in the Brown East store in London. I thought the lenses were pink/peach, these seem more brown. I dunno. I  think I’ll return these. It was the last splurge I made ($365) before I realized I had very little in my bank account.  I feel good about returning the sunglasses.



Dear U,


I was so certain I was gonna go for it and do yoga and aerial back to back today. It’s 3:11pm right now and i can’t imagine going to yoga in an hour. I want to stay here, in these emotions and feelings that came up in my writing about last night..

(weird I can feel that my panties are getting wet)


The exercise of writing about last night for an hour with the hour glass went really well.

I wrote more than 1500 words when the last of the sand fell through and I barely got to the juicy parts. I get bogged down in all the details and want to capture every minutiae until I lose steam.

So after the clock was up


I wrote a heading,

Things I didn’t tell him and what I love…

Words and tears flowed. I didn’t expect the latter to happen. But in recalling how desire-less I felt in the moment of seemingly intense desires, I saw my blocks.

I saw myself, and what happened in these past few years.


How I lost desire

How I saw it as a good thing to not want or need what I can’t control

How far P and I have gone down the mupp path that sex is a foreign language to us.

And how upon reflection of last night and how disconnected I am with my body that I remembered an old part of myself.

How I want to ask A to help me remember how it feels.

Even writing that last line brought tears to my eyes..

I feel vulnerable


I’m not afraid of it, I don’t fear it, I’m just so happy that I can recognize what I’ve been rationalizing away as monk mode.


I lost something that was quite powerful because I saw it as a weakness. Desire

I can blame it on my buddhist teachings..

Telling me desire is suffering.


I was in bliss not desiring.

I’m confused

and yet it feels

it feels like a breakthrough.

I’ve been subtly talking about how asexual I’ve been,

now I kinda understand why


All I know is that wetness is flowing my holes that can see and feel

When I write and think about last night

it’s telling me something.


I’m glad it’s Meditation Monday and I can do whatever I want, even not got o aerial even though I’ve been really wanting to.

Some part of me is wanting to stay in these tears that can’t stop flowing.

I lost and I didn’t even know much  I missed this thing called Desire.


M, the gal who couldn’t make it tot he Domme workshop last minute sent a text as I was writing. It was a quote

” A woman who is lit up creatively, sexually, and spiritually is a Woman who is connected to her innate wildness. The parts of her that can’t be tamed and must be expressed.  The parts of her that existed long before she acclimated to the world and all it placed upon her.”

Hera Morgan


Through her text and my hour glass writing,

I became very aware that yes I’m lit up creatively and spiritually, but sexually? No.

I tamed it.


tears flow when  I think about this strange sequence in the hot tub.

How I asked him if he’s still ready to have a baby (with M, his girl in Guatamala. He says he feels ready but he also knows that this time he has, of freedom is one she should enjoy while it’s still here.

He asked about me, how I felt. If P wants one now.

I told him I might when I’m 43. I’m getting my eggs and embryos frozen this year. But P, he definitely doesn’t feel like he wants any


And then everything after, the kiss, the caress..




Why now as I’m writing to you, do I want A to fuck me until I cry so I can feel again?


What’s so weird is that the act of recalling last night, thinking deeply and writing about it and the emotions that didn’t come up is bringing up the latent emotions that’s pushing me to see something that I was blind to. In the past, present and future.


How often does the rational intellectual mind do this to our body?



I wonder if all is trying to help me piece something.

Am I supposed to have a baby with A?

Is he going to be the one who will help me remember what desire feels like?


K, one of the woman from the Domme workshop  texted me thanking me for our talk Friday. She  said..

I was able to listen compassionately to my husband that very night.

And it helped me get over anger I was feeling today after an argument we had last night.

I want to let you know the positive impact you have on me. Thank you! (Brain,red heart, and flexed arm emoji)


I could’ve kept on writing, but I had a 2pm phone consultation with Dr. P about blood work analysis…

I have good blood sugar.

But my T3 active thyroid is very low

My LDL is suggesting I have something possibly inflammatory

Low iron, zinc, and magnesium

Very low on protein

Low white blood cell count


She suggested a lot of things..

Most important was that I need to eat more protein and fat, from animals.

I guess I’ve been avoiding meat ever  since Bali and my meditations with the guru thinking  eating meat will mess up the shaktiprana flowing through me.


Strange how I went to the local butcher shop yesterday to buy (grass feed and finished filet mignon) after A said yes to coming over and me wanting to cook something protein-y with the veggie stirfry.


I’m drawing a subtle connection between

A coming over

(back into my life)


the missing part

in my plate

in my appetite

in me

the animal,

the desire to sink one’s teeth into flesh


He reminded me what I need

to strengthen and nourish me

The part that I cut out because I thought it was holding me back spiritually



it’s 4:09, last chance for yoga at 4:30…


But all I have is a desire to go out and buy meat and eat it


The heat wave may be gone, but the sun is still here.


Earlier I had to wear house slipped when I was writing with  the door flapping open from the wind.


Do I want to go out and get active in my body or do I want to stay in and  read and write poetry about desire?

Or do I want to masturbate?


I’m too trembly for yoga, it’s soo sunny to go indoors to do aerial, I’m too trembly to write about last night and send it to A, even though I want to..

Thank god I have tis free day all to myself to feel into everything…


What do I want??


The more I write, the more I uncover…


I’m confused.

I was pretty sure

That eating meat was bad

Now you’re telling me I need it


I masturbated, and came

To thought of him making me come.


Before then, I would come to nothing.


How do I tell P

that I forgot

how it felt to be desired

until last night

When I was with A?


A has no idea what he stirred inside me..


Have I been quieting my desire for A

so that I can keep peace with P

This house has never felt so secure





Dear U,


I ended up going to my aerial class. I’m so glad I did. When I arrived (at the ame time B did), there were only 2 other girls in class. I like the low key intimate feel. We worked on the hoop and silk and I learned a few tricks.


I went to The Kebabery (it’s one of the very few organic and pasture raised restaiuants I know and it’s yummy) afterwards and got a chicken kebab plate because I’m listening to my doc and eating more animal protein.


On the drive I of course thought of A and P and this weird triangle I’m in.

I recognize that my love with P is perfect and fulfilling in all dimensions

Except on the sexual side.


And what P lacks, A makes up for..


Anyways, I’m spotting and my breasts are large and tender. I’m most likely PMSing, which I’ve never noticed that I had before.

How am I going to feel after I take out my IUD tomorrow?


I drew a nice hot turmeric salt bath when I got home, and then I ordered a cherry enzyme peel and manuka honey cleansing balm on Naturopathica. After my 15% welcome promo discount, the total was $111.44


Do I want to watch the Ingmar Bargman doc I rented on itune sfor my flight home from London?

Hmm I think

I feel like reading poetry and books on love.

I carried with me to aerial and kebabery Murakami’s Desire (that I got at Brick Lane Books in London and Dirty Pretty Things, a bday present from one of my subs, N).

Maybe I’ll read that an Way to Love and call it a night..


I just googled Mirena IUD removal..

Emotional symptoms of Mirena removal may include:
  • Consistent sadness, hopelessness, and/or anxiety.
  • Mood swings and irritability.
  • Feeling of always being tired.
  • Trouble concentrating.
  • Loss of interest in once enjoyable activities.
  • Excessive sleeping or insomnia.
  • Changes in appetite.
  • Thoughts of suicide


Thought of suicide??


What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, my blend of brain herbs tea, dandy blend latte, dark chocolate gave me, leftovers of the stirfry I made for A and I last night, walnuts,


Tuesday, July 30, 2019


I woke up late at 8:31am. I meditated for an hour, showered, got ready for my session with S.


He had snail mailed me his fantasy, I read it before session. I was initially opposed to “scripts” but these fantasies written out is good info or “data.”



Wednesday, July, 31, 2019 9:24am


Dear U,

A lot is happening…


G got up and left this morning around 7:31. He continued on his way to Ashland.

He didn’t even get a chance to see how the upstairs part of the house looks like during the day.

As I said goodbye, I also quietly quickly said, Love you

To his back walking towards his van.


The theme of this week is Lovers coming over and cooking steak in my kitchen..


IUD is out. No thoughts of suicide.

So far I feel amazing.

I’m bleeding, like a woman, again.


P and I always joke how I’m not really a woman but this androgynous mupp, my not bleeding for forever was evidnece of that.

Now that I am, will he see me as a woman.


My body wants to have sex with A

Now that I’m IUD-free.

My mind tells me maybe I should connect with P.


The thing is I don’t want P’s scattered energy in me.


He’s been on his Seeking Arrangement bender in Asia, smoking cannabis and doing his living life like an aimless baller kinda thing.

I have this weird theory that if he fucks me, it’ll affect this hyper focused and uber self-disciplined state I’m in and really enjoying.


Of course if we create a ritual of being fully present and connected and maybe meditate before we fuck, it’ll be different and maybe I can help him find a more purposeful path.


I hope I have the energy to write about last night with G.

Or all of yesterday really, it was a very eventful day..




Instead of going strait into writing, I went on yo Amazon to quickly order Vital Proteins collagen (per my naturopath’s advice and period panties) then went down the rabbithole of amazon reviews (bad batches? worm found in one container?) and then went on to the Detox Market and Thinx panties websites..

I just ordered 5 pairs of Thinx panties..


I noticed my I lost my contemplative mind, when I moved into consumer mind.


I need to make a pot of tea and reset..






I am covering for Dr. O who is out of the office today. I wanted to let you know that your gonorrhea and chlamydia screening test results were all negative!

If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me.


Dr. M





I masturbated. Came.

Started to read Dirty Pretty Things from the very beginning.

Mom called. We talked about our upcoming trip to Vietnam. Her high school reunion is on Feb 11. Hard for me to pull off without bday party and breakup bootcamp.

I call DHL. To follow up from yesterday. My package is being held up at customs.  Apparently they took I have goods to sell. I have to fill out a form and write a letter explaining these are my personal belongings..


I started my hour (glass) of writing at noon outside. It was sunny and warm.

Did I want to write about A or G?

I ended up writing about why P and I, and our weird sexless mupp life (that’s an unintentional double entendre).

Then I wrote about Sunday with A, and why that was a sexless night..


The hour goes by so quickly when you write about love..

Maybe that’s why people write about love.


The productive part of me knows I should be filling in A2’s dropbox folder with “assets’ for our Powerplay Domme bootcamp website she’s having someone build out this week.

I should also be building out the paths of Pervette.


But there’s some part of me that wants to wallow in languor, and write about love and desire.

It’s a new feeling, sparked by A. I want to capture this before it fades..


Every time I spend time with A, my mind spins in new directions. My ego, my heart and my sex is activated.

I want to see him again (soon) so I can tell him everything on my mind.

And then life happens. I get distracted. Or focused on work on pervette/self/etc

And we don’t see each other for months and I think it’ll all fade just like what the psychic said..


I love the fluttery feeling I get thinking about writing about him and us and sending him all the things I think about after our time and never say.  Part of me wants to reveal all of myself to him. Let him know how he affects me. I don’t care if I give it all away. My power. The upper hand. whatever that is. There’ s no game. Or at least that’s what I’m disavowing when I share all of my secrets with him.

I just want to him to know how I feel and let him decided what he wants to do with that knowledge, data, info, whatever it is..




Just sauteed some kale and shiitake and ate it.


Before that I started a new page called My Night with A.


It’s exciting to write what I feel so intensely.

I’m beginning to see what Pervette is for me.

A medium for all expressions of love.

I can see all the pages I want to create for every relationship I want to share.

A lot of pages,

At some point, I will connect it all…


I like how My night with A

is this amorphous page that’s slowly taking shape.


Pervette is starting to feel very intimate…


I feel very lucky that I have this day and tomorrow and so many spacious days to collect my thoughts and share them here.  Every lover every friend is a potential page..

Every page is a potential medium that keeps evolving, with more words, and eventually audio and imagery..


I like how A is my muse.




Yoga with A was pretty amazing. How guidance in aligning the breath with every move feels like an intense meditation.


I can feel this new moon in Leo. Just in the past 15 minutes on my sunset walk, I have a different stride. It’s focused and powerful.


I love the smell of my blood soaking through my blue panties. I don’t care if I ruin them. I’m bleeding. And coming. All the fluids..


I am so happy the IUD is out of me.


No meat today.

I had meat 3 days in a row this week.

It feels good to take a break..


Bar class Sunday, Aerial Monday, Yoga Wednesday.

Who am I?


I want to keep on surprising myself, on who I can be and what I can do.


P facetimes as I was deep in the mucking around my external hard drives, looking for the image of me reading 12 Perversions. A2 liked that image. I was working of putting together all our “assets” for the Domme bootcamp website.


P is high, puffing on his vape pen.

Did I tell you?I think I want to buy land in Seattle and build a house?

It feels like every time I talk to him, he has a new idea or modified plan on where to live next.

With a house in Seattle, he can get a boat, he  says.

Did I tell you? I’m into boats now.


I dunno, I tell him, building a house is a huge commitment, I tell him.


As we talk he continues to blow plumes and plumes of smoke, he’s puffin on two different types of vape pens, like a chimney. I usually never comment on how much he smokes, which is a fuck ton, but this time, maybe because I was so focused on my “work” when he called. And I can feel his wobbly goofy highness affecting me, making me lose momentum in “asset” collecting,

WHoa, you’re really hitting that pen, Mupps. That seems like a lot, I say in my more muppety way.


Oh P mupps, you’re to high to fly a plane

You’re too high to build a house

Now you’re too high to get high

He says in this muppety voice, trying to sound like me being naggy.


I mean, I’m just saying Mupps!


P thinks he’s not gonna come up this week.

Phew. I need more time to self..


I texted A a screencap of my google search results for “agate stone meaning”

Since he asked me what does the agate stone do, since I gave him an agate stone lamp and he knows I’m into the meanings of stones.



Thursday, August 1, 2019 10:08am


Daer U,

I woke up at 8:31am. Another late start. It’s my new ritual, right before meditation, I go outside in the backyard, to get some unfilitered sun, per by doc’s instruction. It’s good for my active thyroid T3, which is unusually low, according to my bloodwork.

I’m trying to to heed her advice, but I feel very resistant to one piece she suggested. Which is to pause my Nutrafol (hair) supplements. But I’m a case study for Nutrafol. And I haven’t gone without hair vitamins ever since my hair fell out in high school.

I guess, this is the season of changes. So I’ll give it a try..


I love that I’m bleeding. I can’t wait for my Thinx period panties to arrive so I can just bleed into them.

I think I felt the new moon in Leo more deeply yesterday because my IUD is out. I’m so excited I can sync up with the moon now.


I meditated for an hour for the 8th day in a row. I let my mind wander in my sits.

Today, I thought about my legs straddled around A’s waist, as it was when we were in the hot tub. His cock was so close to my sex that night, yet I had no desire for it to go in.

This morning, that feeling has shifted. I can’t tell if it’s the IUD or the day(s) after reflection, but now that’s all I’m thinking about his hard cock, inside me.

I have a desire to come over to his place, we get naked and talk about our feelings.

Instead of saying that, I text him a screencap of “agate stone meaning” and I write in my new page I created for him “My night with A”

It’s a secret page. So secret that only I have access to it.

I think I’m going to harness all this newly cultivated desire and channel it into my this page and write about A, and when I feel ready, I’ll send him the link..

This also motivates me to get the rest of Pervette into shape, as he might wander from that page to another. And like a house with one room built just for him, I of course need to make the rest of the space presentable, just in case.

Speaking of making the house presentable, I also feel inspired to make changes for P. I think I want  to dedicate this Saturday to tidying up and organizing the corners of the house that are mupp messes. They’re the spots that no one really sees when they enter the house , they’re slight hidden out of sight (inside the show closet, the left side of the garage, the cabinet above the circular sink, etc) unless they’re P, who sees all the messes I try to hide. I feel like I want to tackle all of these spots and organize EVERYTHING. So when that P comes home, his mind is blown. I want him to see that I’ve changed. I know my will body look dramatically different than how he saw me last in Europe (when I was pretty fucking gluttonous).

I also want him to see that I can be as neat and orderly as he is, if not more. I know that the house and our differing relationship to things has always been a  source of tension (less so now than before), and he thinks I can’t change (even though I have in these past 5 years). My rate of change was never fast or good enough for him. I’m ready to show him that I can. I want my body and this house to speak to that.

For myself, I do want to organize everything so that I can start accessing all my art supplies and start making physical art. Mail art.

And I want to inspire P to change by being a good role model. That was the  second half of my meditation. I saw myself talking to P, like a concerned mother about his (dare I say it?) addiction to cannabis.

When you happiness is dependent on this thing outside of you, you’ve lost your power to it.


I’ve been trying to be very non judgmental about his cannabis consumption, allowing him to be how he wants to be. But I feel like there’s some responsibility I want to take in letting him know how I feel. Concerned.


I won’t and can’t tell him (or should I?) that I  don’t hold him in high regard when he’s insanely high and slightly incoherent. I’m not attracted to this version of him.

I  know that this is all new to me, and this perception is affected by my new self-disciplined self and my time with A, who really has his shit together.

I know all these things. And so I must tread carefully with my languaging and timing.


I have my first pilates lesson at noon today. I’m excited to get my core really strengthened and toned.


I don’t know where this came from, this new excitement and motivation to be fit. According to Susan mIller’s July horoscope for me, July 2 eclipse is a good time to get back into exercising.


Re-reading my horoscope for July, it said something about Venus will move into my house of marriage and spice things up. July 27,  “It sounds like you need more fun. And Venus will see to  it that you get that.”


According to Susan Miller:

Your ruling planet, Uranus, planet of genius and futuristic ideas, will be in ideal sync with the new moon eclipse and Sun, so high-tech work, related to the digital age, might also apply.

you might want to get a package of lessons from a trainer to make sure your form remains correct when you work out.

( I did get a private pilates package)

With Mercury retrograding in your marriage and partnership house, you may want to go back to tackle a problem that never quite got solved for you could see progress now.

(I’m going to clean the house the way P always wanted me to–crazy OCD)

July 31, Mercury will go direct after having been retrograde all month—hooray! Finally, you have an open road with blue skies ahead..






I feel like masturbating. I think I will before my first pilates lesson at noon..




Wow. I had the most unexpectedly incredible masturbation session.

I had music, Snowblink’s How Now and Amanda Merzdan’s All of You as a soundtrack, for a change

Then I saw it. Mine and Pervette’s next birthday party, the  speech I was going to give, P and A2 I was going to thank and the words that came out spoke from a confidence that could only come from accomplishing what I had set out to do.  With a ton of emotions, and the conviction of a wild slightly crazed woman who has seen it all, I had  thelook in my eyes as I said parts of it out loud

as I was about to come.

I see it so clearly.

I’m going to work so hard to chase this dream inspire others to chase theirs.

I’m going to be an existence proof for my world.


I saw myself thanking P, telling him how much I love him, that this is the greatest love I’ve ever known.

Then it came back to me, beyond the lusty love haze I’ve been in these past few days, that my love for P is the deepest I’ve ever known and maybe will ever know. I don’t know.   But I do know, that I owe so much of who and where I am to P.


The certainty of a job well done was felt throughout my whole body.

I looked at the calendar.

Chinese New Year is Jan 25th

(according to the chinese horoscope next year, 2020 is my year to launch)

(when I typed 2020, I got chills)

My next bday party is on Feb 8.

I have 6 months.

To get laser focused.

I can do this.




SInce yesterday, I’ve been making the yummiest chocolate collagen protein dandy blend hot smoothie drink

With  MCT oil, ghee, coconut oil, maca, mucuna pruriens, turmeric, ceylon cinnamon, ginger, kratom..


My last lemon today was dry so I made a hot lime drink and omg I’ve been missing out lime is so much tastier than lemon. And it’s more vietmasesy. The vietnamese love lime.


I feel high from.. meditation ? Workign out? Eating cleanly and with love. Pervetting..


E got back to me via Signal (the app). I’m going to meet with her today, to pick up some pizza toppings with Molly. That’s code for “herbs” or “medicine”


I have a fantasy of being on entheogens with A. Us talking about our feelings, unfiltered through the ego. Hence the handoff..




P2 texted earlier if he can come over to grab a little coke from his stash. He keeps it here to control himself from getting too fucked up, as he did one night last year.

He arrived in a great mood as I was washing my face and getting ready to head out for pilates.

He’s been reading my journal.

He said the weirdest, ever since my libido is back, so is his. It is strange, I wonder if there’s some connection to him, me and Cutie. Ever since he’s been into Cutie and poetry, he had no desire to session anymore, which around that time, I would say my desire was pretty low. Anyways..

He also thinks it’s a good thing that I took the time to find happiness outside of desire. It was really nice and affirming to hear that from him, since I was in a state of slight confusion Monday.

It’s like how I feel about meat. I think it’s good not to consume it, but then I was told I actually need it.

Per our talk post the Toni Morrison matinee, h gave me a blue handwritten note on ways I can have my mom and dad write a piece of their memoir for me. There were 4 ideas.

To write a paragraph describing their happiest childhood memory.

To photocopy a photo from their past and write a description of the photo’s context

Choose a photo from your family’s past and ask your mom and dad to talk about its context.

Interview your mom and dad


He also gave ma thumb drive which had the photo of me reading 12 perversions, the photo I was looking all over for last night.

My god, I love P2.

He also gave  a photo of Cutie (as it’s a ritual now). She appeared as though she was flying.


I shared with P2 my chocolate protein drink, which he found to be quite yummy. I like sharing my daily consumptions with him. The concoctions I cook/make and typically consume alone. But when shared, I get affirmation that what I made with love is actually quite lovely.

He was gonna take Cutie for an hour or so to the secret spot and so I wished them a good time and I went off to pilates.


I met my private instructor, M. I noticed she was sipping on a smoothie she made. I asked what was in her smoothie that she’s drinking. 2 raw eggs, creatine, some powders, spinach. Jesus, her smoothies sounds hardcare compared to my chocolate protein drink.

The instruction was quite slow and low key as it was about learning how to engage my core. Lots of focused breathing and on the exhale, imagine trying to pull my tampon up and tighten my corset, she says. Interesting visualation.

It was good, but very light. I was expecting an intense workout.


Afterwards, I went to to the post office to mail back the fancy Chloe sunglasses and to give the keys back to the PO box I never used. I also got more moon, train, post office mnural stamps, plus rthe river ones (for my mail art)

I think if I were to get another PO box, I would want another box with a different reapeating number and one that was closer to the front and not in the back, I’m very senstive to light. I don’t my box to be in the far back corner.

Then I decided to stop by 3 Stone Hearth. I got some pork gelatin (more protein!) and thai style ground pork.


Then to the farmer’s market. I’m so grateful that I live so close to the all organic Berkeley’s farmer’s market.

I bought a ton of carrots, kale, broccoli, broccollini, salad mix..walnuts, a peach, plums, and salmon (more protein!)

I stopped by Books Inc, it was right next to the farmer’s market. Because I remember this bookstore had something (a poster, book, pamplet?) on local birds.

I was right, there was a pamplet of birds of Northern and central CA and a book called Birds of Berkeley. The latter was pricier but has nice watercolor picture and more prose like descriptions.

And I also got Wildflowerd of Northern California.


I just have this desire to know the names of all these species around me.

Magpie, sparrow..primrose, meadowsweet.. even their names are beautiful.

And how am I supposed to write poetry if I don’t know what I’,m observing.


Besides I’m always impressed by people who can identify plants and birds. I want to impress myself..


I decide to punt the herb exchange with E for tomorrow. I went home around 4:30 to fill out the form for DHL explaining my held package at customs is just my personal belongings

I checked to see what’s in theatre this Saturday. I kinda am curious about the Tarantino film, Farewell, Souvenir, all sounds good..


I did my one hour of writing on “My night with A” I edited a lot as I thought about him reading these words.

I masturbated on the biomat. And came really hard. Several times

Then, around 7:32pm, in a slight impulse, I crafted a text to A

I hope everything is going swimmingly (I’m referring to his fundraising and I also know that around 6pm everyday he goes swimming in the Bay)

If you happen to be free and want to catch a film this weekend lmk (smiley face and popcorn emoji).

The thing is I’m not even that free this weekend. Tomorrow is packed. 3 hour session, hangout with M at night. Saturday I was planning on majorly cleaning the house and Sunday I’m having tea with D.

But I can make time for A.

I hit send.

My god, what’s gotten into me.

Oh but I remember it now. This feeling of desire, of wanting to get close to my object of desire.

I think it’s good that I’m doing all this, so I can remember what this feels like, so I can be relateable to the rest of the population when I try to give love and relationship advice on pervette about dating..

Anyways..this brings me back to how I used to feel about him..


I wonder when should I send him a link to my page about him?

I gotta get the rest of pervette into shape?

It’s embarassingly raw and undeveloped.



I sent a really nice animoji to P around noon today, telling him how I thought of him in my meditation and mastubation and how I love him and all that.

I haven’t heard back.

I suspect he’s with another girl.

When he’s quiet with me, it usually means he’s dicking around..


I have about over a hundred men waiting for my reply to the text/email.

Yet all I want is a reply from A.


I don’t mind if he can’t make it this weekend. It’s all divine timing. And I like the languor. I’ll channel it into my writing..


I went for a brisk sunset walk to my favorite tree. It’s chilly, thr fog was rolling in and the sky was this nice crrepy purple gray color. It felt very witchy.





The most eventful days  of this week are left blank bc I was too busy being in that moment to reflect and write about it here.

But I am writing about A. I wonder if it’s productive to spend my writing hour on him then on the  actual Pervette paths. I’m just going with what my heart wants..


I want to write to M2, my former slave, and get out writing project going..


I also want to record my July days in my physical planner.. All the europe days..


A replied!

That sounds lovely

I feel some strange release, I think my chest was tight ever since I sent that text 3 hours ago.


P Facetimes me.. asks if I’m feeling suicidal since it seem like he abandoned me. I’m not, I feel great.


He did see a sugarbaby, he drove all the way down to the OC to give her some Level cannabis and took her out to Playground, the restaurant in Santa Ana that took over the old Gypsy Den.

I’m sure he fucked her too.


He’s puffing on his pen, like crazy again, he’s high as fuck, but coherent

He said he’s really feeling into Seattle. He wants to get a house or land somewhere in the islands or isthmus near Seattle and get a speedboat to zoom to and from Seattle. There are some really nice houses there he says.

What this means is that he wants to be a Washington resident in the year 2020.

Which means that he doesn’t want to own Mupp HQ anymore. Either he gives me title and I can take over the mortgage or we sell the house.

He thinks it means I would need to allocate 10-15K/month to take it over.

Oh man. Okay, I tell him, Little mupps gotta make some money..


P says he want to help me during this transitional period and he lays out some options before me. I can live in Seattle and LA with him. We can get a bigger place in Santa Monica or if I want to buy a condo or small home in the Bay, he can help with that as well. He was very supportive, which I was grateful for.


After we hung up,

I calculate on my phone..111 (subscribers) at $100 (it’s technically $111, but I’m sure the credit card processing co. will take a percentage so roughly ~$100) = $11,100

Okay, that’s the goal.

In 6 months.


I gave A my two picks for the film Saturday.

A says he has already seen One Upon a Time..

Great, because I secretly wanted to see The Farewell anyways, and it’s an hour shorter than Once us more time for post film “chat”

I got us tickets and grabbed out seats at the Kabuki

And grabbed a resy at Dosa, just in case.


I’m up pretty. late. I rub some hair tonic oils on my scalp and lay on the slantboard, engaging my core that I learned about today, and fell asleep around 2am


What I put in me: acv, hot lime water (replacing lemon water), chocolate collagen protein drink with maca, mucuna, kratom, etc (gave P2 a glass), carrots, samples of pickled veggies and kombucha at 3 Stone Hearth, over-baked salmon ( I got at the farmer’s market an hour earlier) sauteed kale and carrots, 2 Urban Remedy no oatmeal cookies, rose cinnamon tulsi tea I blended

Friday, August 2, 2019 11:02am


Dear U,

Nothing puts a fire under your ass faster than knowing the future of the roof over your head is in your hands and time is fucking ticking!


My meditation was a business model meditation.


I haven’t been good about recording my dreams these past few days. It involved apartments, going somewhere car, anyways..


P’s delivery of his plan was very thoughtful and supportive. I’n going to see if he can give me 6 months to pull this off. You know, make Pervette a viable money generating entity that can support me and this house. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, but at least I’m gonna try and give it my best.


I think it’s interesting that the same day I had my sex magick ritual masturbation of visioning and feeling that sense of accomplishment with Pervette at my next bday party, P delivers this news..that’s motivating me to get crazy super focused.


I meditate, I masturbate and went on Amazon, with the $119 credit from returning my Blubox glasses, I got 7 books:

Publishing Manifestos

Little Black Book: Toolkit for the Working Woman

The Working Woman’s Handbook

(I saw those 3 book at Artwords in London and noted it for later, which is now)

Style Your Mind: A workbook and lifestyle guide for woman who want to design their thoughts, empower their mind, and build a beautiful life

Girl Code: Unlocking the Secrets to Success..

(Those two books were Amazon suggestions, I’m curious about the author)

How to Do Nothing ( I have the audible but I want the actual book as well)

Synchronicity by Carl Jung (it was on the top of my book wish list)


I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t get at least 6 books a week.

I got 9 books this week. Not bad.


I’ve been checking astrologyzone periodically to see if Susan Miller has the August horoscopes up yet. According to  her tweets Twitter, she’s got some medical condition and is seeing a doc and is running behind.

Chani Nicholas horoscope for Aquarius:


I have no fear that those that share what I find sacred will find me.

With this new moon, I remember the power of enjoying the company I keep. I surround myself with those that want to place mutual pleasure side by side with respect and integrity.


Okay. I’m gonna contact B, the woman at Merchant Focus who was helping me get Pervette approved to process credit cards. I told her when I’m ready to  show the underwriter Pervette I’ll reach out to her. It’s been over a year or more now.

April 2018 to be exact was when I told her I’ll have something to show in a few weeks.



I reached out to A and T the two badass CEO women I got connected with through K a few months ago. We’ve been talking about our Domme Tea time. It’s time.




More to write

Session with J..

He’s been reading my journal, so he knows what’s going on, my IUD is out, my trip to Europe was lovely, my passion is back since A visited, etc.

He was a very good toy-let

I can feel my sex drive is definitely back, my session feels different

I forgot to clean the blood off of the white padded wall and floor below. Note to P2


Went straight to the bank to pay off my credit card, 1100 at a time, it seems..


M came over with all the things I asked for form Berkeley Bowl, lemons, limes, shiitake mushrooms, avocados, nitrate free no sugar added bacon, pistachio milk and tealight candles.


I got him high, as he never gets high, only with me, I made us a salad, I had him cook the bacon (theme: having guys come over and cook meat in my kitchen).

He talked more about the deaths. He’s been to 7 funerals in 10 months. The hardest was his niece, who was only 14.

He takes Dr. Gundry’s Lectin Shield, yet eats a ton of lectins. I told him that’s not how you do it. You cut lectins out and when you do eat lectins (sparingly) you take the lectin shield.

I used to think like him, that you can cheat your body, that there’s a magic bullet/quickfix around cooking and eating super healthy..


I ask M how much his work is compensating him, 125K/year, retirement and healthcare, etc he says. I ask because I wanted to know how much I needed to make.

I told him my vision of hiring him and P2 and B when Pervette takes off. Professional slaves helping me make art..

I had him lay on the biomat, I used the tuning forks on his chakras. He told me about Holly Randall, which was inspiring me to start doing what I’ve been thinking of doing. Interviewing the older generations, the legends of BDSM, before it’s too late.


I had him massage my feet, since he was conveniently at my feet, as I was on the sofa. I keep on telling him to go deeper and harder. Which eventually made me very sleepy and I had him take off around 10:30


P and I have been talking nightly, high. He’s obsessed with Seattle homes, sending me zillow links of 4 million dollar homes, zen pavillions he calls them, he thinks they’ll make for a great retreat when I want to organize them. Another link to this futuristic capsule speed boat thing. He’s really into speedboats and yachts.

He’s gonna go to Seattle next week with T. They might charter a jet, I can come if I want.  He wants to spend 2 weeks there, to really feel out the place and look at a ton of homes. I feel like I would only go for a day. I don’t want to break these disciplined rituals I’ve created. And I gotta stay focused.

I tell P that I fully support him in this. Whatever feels right for him is probably what’s right.

I meant it, even though the future of Mupp HQ is precarious. It was P’s idea 5 years ago to get a house in Berkeley together, and it got us here. So there’s something about his intuition and always being on the move to the next place to explore and live. He keeps things flowing, it’s never stagnant with him..

He really appreciated my vote of confidence.


It’s a different me every time P talks about letting go of Mupp HQ.

There’s an interesting cycle. This time last year, before Burniing Man, we talked and went through half the motions of selling the house. And then Burning Man happened.

And all the years before.

It was pretty soon after we moved in that P felt like he made a mistake and wanted to sell the house, it coincided with when we both starting dating other people in the same town. I don’t think that was a coincidence.


And every time he talked about selling the house it unhinged me.

It’s been a process learning how to love and take care of this house, make it my sanctuary and not be attached.


I got a note from the neighborhood email list that there’s a fire evacuation drill Aug 25th and that it’s very important for each of us to start cutting down the tall weeds and shrubs in the perimeter of our house as where were are in Berkeley hills is in the top I% of wildfire evacuation risk statewide.

We’re trying to avoid the disaster of the Oakland hills fire and we all remember very clearly the fire near our houses 2 years ago. That was a very close one.


All of these incoming news coming together to remind me, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but just take it all in and use it as fodder, reason to move faster, work harder. I’m going to see if I can work hard enough to keep this house that may vanish in a fire.

But I also have this vision since last week of my three slaves working in this house,

And there’s the ceremonies, retreats, orgies, etc still to be had..





My naturopathica cherry enzyme peel and manuka honey cleansing balm arrived today. I used them both. They smelled amazing. Wow. My face feels clear and supple.


I laid on the slantboard, did some crunches, while engaging my core and fell asleep.


What I put inside me:





Saturday, August 3, 2019 9:16am


Dear U,

I went to bed around midnight and woke up at 6. I also didn’t get  that much sleep the night before. But I got up anyways, because it feels good to get started, I meditated for an hour. I thought of A fucking me. I thought of what I should say to him to heighten the prelude. It’s strange how I haven’t had such thoughts like these in a long while. It’s very hard to be present when you’re fantasizing..

But in the few moments when I was following my breath I remembered its power to take me to these new heights.

I feel like I’m always on a pendulum swinging between two extremes, never really in the middle. But over time, on average, I’m actually right in the middle.

Gluttony and poverty. Desireless and Desireness. Veganism and lots of meat..


Right after meditation, I went straight to the biomat and masturbated. Came 4 times. Wrote out my morning pages..

I think I want to tell A

That I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had sex this year

That I lost a part of myself while finding this whole other part of myself

That I would love for him to help me remember how it feels to be desired

And desire again

I also want to tell him about my crazy goal for pervette and trying to keep this house.

Randomly a ritual came to me, before we make love, I want to tell ask from him to give me a part of what I find so attractive about him, because I want that for myself. I want a part of his laser focus drive, his ambition, his perseverance, his efficiency, his grace. I want all those parts of him that allowed him to build a company so fast and with so much integrity

I want all of that through his cock.



I thought about how devastating it would be if for some reason, he couldn’t make it tonight and I didn’t get to see him.


Desire is suffering.


I have made myself penetrable and susceptible


Holy fuck

I guess that’s what happens when your lover is back, your IUD is out, and you’re wet from your blood and cum.


I can’t remember if A is squeamish about sex and periods..


When blood is added, it becomes sex magick.


I wonder if he’ll think I’m too forward if I bring my own bathsheet to lay down on and Gonzo (blood) stain remover (in case I get it on his sheets)?


Speaking of blood, I took up P2’s suggestion and placed my Gaunyin rubber stamp on my pad that was freshly stained with my blood and made a stamp of my blood on a a page in my notepad.



I wonder if that was how he felt when I cancelled on him twice in a row the day of, before and after the Domme Bootcamp.


In my mind this past half year, I thought we were just going to fade out, like my psychic predicted. And so I let it.

But he kept on reaching out.

I miss you. When will I get to see you again? he texted when I was in London.

The bitter and rejected me of 15 years ago waited for that text.

And when it came, I didn’t feel anything.

Other than a curiosity..


I went for a walk to my favorite tree after I came. I thought it was gonna be a chilly, wet and dewy morning like it was yesterday, so I put in my fleece lined pants and hoodie. It was not. It was warm and dry.


I thought I was gonna go to Bar at 11am today. There are still 3 spots left. All the weekend classes are fully booked except for this one coming up, which is filling up as well.

But the walk was pretty good exercise and I really want to read and write.

I’m torn. A part of me wants to push my body and get used to and even crave the slightly masochistic workout. And then there’s other part of me that wants to continue sitting outside at my sea foam green bistro table with Cutie and continue writing, and reading (Dirty Pretty Things).

I am so on the fence.


If I stay, I can do an hour (glass) of writing and make  it to my 12:30 mani pedi appt.


I think I’ll stay..

And focus on Pervette.

Page 3. Think about how I want to open up the next path…


I was still on the fence until 10:30am, the last deciding minute.

I stayed back, picked up the book The Practice of Poetry, and masturbated on the biomat while reading it.


I think I’ll use this momentum energy to get going on my writing.

I sorta unpacked my Europe suitcase.

(I saved every receipt, business, card, brochure, etc..)

And did the laundry. And plucked my whiskers.


Then D calls. And asks if I’m home today.

Is P there?

No. He’s in LA.

You mean he hasn’t been in the Bay since he’s been back?

No. He’ll be here this week.

What’s going on with his work that’s taking him to Japan and Hong Kong?

It’s going well.

You need to talk to him more about his business and so you know what’s going on.


I have this tendency to write to you in real time as I talk to him to make the call not so unbearable..



He tells me a story about the “Amazon guy” and something about starting in a garage (or at a garage sale?) and how he’s now with the wife of his friend?

He tells me I should google it, along with “robbery Garden Grove”

I did and watched the news reel.

Did you see the video of her? Watch the video.

I watched the surveillance camera of a 32 year old Vietnamese woman getting robbed by a tall man in a black hoodie. She held on tight to her purse as he tried to snatch it.

The video didn’t show her getting ran over by the getaway Volkswagon.

I recognize that Vietnamesey strip mall and the 25 cent merry go round in the background.  We used to go to the grocery store there when I was little.

It was dad’s cautionary tale, don’t run around with robbers or hooligans? They may leave cocaine in your car and that’s how you get taken in?

I feel like his “life lessons” that he’s loud brash oration over the speakerphone is knocking me off my mindful writing headspace.


I interrupt his nonsensical diatribe and ask if he can write for me a happy memory from his childhood (per P2’s suggestion)

He says he’s really lazy about writing. He doesn’t like reading or writing.

When he was little, his mom had to hire 4 tutors for him since he was so lazy to do any of his studies. He had tutor for English, French, Math and something else

He was the favorite child. And he was spoiled..

When he announced that the was ready to get married, there were 5 (or more) families knocking on their door. Everyone wanted to marry him.

When my mom’s friend told my mom that her family was talking to his. She heard this and made a pound cake, and brought it over to him.

And that’s how you guys got married?

She saw how everybody wanted him, he said.

His family was well off and they gave him everything he wanted, even two vespas. He had  a huge inheritance.

But all he wanted was to go to America.

The day they were about to leave, mom didn’t want to go. Both their dad (my grandpas) were concerned they weren’t gonna make it and die and drown en route.

They considered having my mom and sister stay.

But they already bought their so-called tickets and if they didn’t go, that money would go to waste..


At another time I’ll tell you more. It’s good not to “get confused.” Let’s just talk about one thing at a time. He somehow ties it back to the robbery and Amazon guy.


I’m glad I always have the audio recorder on when we talk.


It’s noon. I have a 12:30 mani pedi. I didn’t do my hour glass of writing, yet..


Part of me thought I couldn’t wait for tonight, but now I’m excited about everything I want to, write, pervette..


Checking Susan Miller’s tweets, she still has Aquarius and Pisces to write up..


On the way to the nail salon, P2 texts, he read my journal about the blood I forgot to clean up and went over to the dungeon to clean it up.

Such a great slave.


After I sat down on the massage chair and dipped my feet in the pedicure foot bath, dad called.

He asked if I knew this word, he tried to say something in english that started with a p. He spelled it out. P, O E, N. I heard wrong. The last letter was M.

What? What does dad know about poetry?

(and weird because I was reading the Practice of Poetry when he called and interrupted me)

He said what he’s been telling me are poems.

Right? he asks



What happened to your hand? I asked my manicurist in Vietnamese. I just noticed her right middle and ring finger are shorter than the others and nailless. As if they were chopped off at some point..




My Thinx period panties aren’t gonna arrive before I take off for the city in a bit.

I fill up a tiny flat water bottle with mineral water and add some tinctures to it..





Love Potion




(insert juicy details here)



What I put inside me: acv, lime water, green mix drink plus kratom, dandy blend+chaga+astragalus+magic tea latte with turmeric honey,



Back to my previous week