Sunday, June 2, 2019


I set my alarm for 5am. It went off, I turned it off and continued sleeping. Some part of me woke myself up at 5:42am. Which was the right time to wake up and just drive to Bolinas without showering.

So I quickly got ready, packed a bag of snacks, and packed a bag of books, and headed out at 6:27am. An hour and 17 min to get there. The first meditation starts at 7:45. I’m cutting it close.


I drove quickly. The  drive was beautiful, it drizzly and gray. I lost reception as I got near. The house doesn’t have a number and isn’t on google maps. Thank goodness I screeen shot the google doc directions and found the house on the hill, right by the beach.


I made it there at 7:32. The meditation didn’t actually start till 10 after 8.

There was N, I haven’t seen him since Tulum, when he overdosed everyone on DXE.

He’s a completely different person now. He looks clean cut, as opposed to his long beard and psychedelic woke guru look he was sporting a year and a half ago.

No more “medicines” he says, just meditation and living almost like a monk.

He goes from one extreme to another, it seems. But this meditation thing suits him well.


J’s beach house was beautiful, rustic and charming. It feels like the furniture art and taxidermy came with the house when he got it, It looks as though we stepped into the early 1900’s.

Slowly the room started to fill up with J’s friends who have been staying there and meditating with the guru since Friday.

Most of them I learned are in the crypto space. Woke, smart and friendly, all interesting characters..


There was an open space closer to the front and where the guru was sitting, I laid my zafu there and got situated.


The swamjii and guru’s eyes lit up when they came in and saw me.

We sat and meditated together. I’m so happy I got up early (enough) to make the drive and be here with them..


After the 8am sit, there was some time before the 11:30 sit.

I sat at the dining table and chatted with N and 4 others in the crypto space.

I learned that the guru is one of a very few sidhi masters in the world.

His ashram in India has 50-60 workers running it.

He’s world famous and somehow we got very lucky in connecting with him in such an intimate space as we have.

And in order to do this shaktipa practice you actually need the blessing from the sidhi master.

I have to say, his blessing is pretty legit and powerful.

One of the crypto guys has been getting the shakti shakes in his meditations, his shoulders seem like they’re spasming out.


I did the second medtation with the group and there was a Satsang or Q and A with the guru.

.Then lunch


J and T, the swarmjii both pulled me aside and wanted to have a one on one with me..


T couldn’t believe the transformation in me. She says I look radiant and even younger. She says she can tell I’m really in my power.

___ is back! she exclaimed. She says she’s just channeling and not sure why she wants to say that.


I drove back. P2 was at the house, doing his chores, we quickly visited as I put together my sis’ bday present. The little bag of stones, bookmark my mom crocheted, the How to Breathe book were all placed in the pink handbag I got in Bali.

Then I zoomed off to P3’s place to get the footage from the Domme Bootcamp. I met a friend of theirs who actually lives in Bolinas.


Then I zoomed over to Soba Ichi, my sis was alteady there, I was 24 min late. We sat in a booth in the back.


I listened as she caught me up in her real estate world, she complained about her broker partner, the man child.

He’s killing it right now with his mom giving him a ton of referrals.

I told her this is the perfect time to “break up” with him.

She says she needs a partner, and he’s very loyal to her.

Loyalty is not a good reason to stay with someone who irks you all the time.


She told me about this other broker she met at the real estate Ninja training who also gives Heath ceramins and Rechitl chocolates to his clients. He said if she want they can practice their Ninja assigments together.

I told her that’s her new guy. She needs to hang out with him.


I’m relating to her in such a different way ever since x-mas. I’m not judgmental and empathetic. I feel for her. How hard she works. How bad she is with boundaries. And how she sells herself short by giving huge discounts in her cut.

She shows me her over the top cute food spreads at the her open houses and broker’s tour. She arranged every single Miette cupcake perfectly on her tiered platter.

She pulls items from her own home, books, candles, kitchenware to add the detailed pieces to the open houses.

Like me she’s a detail oriented aesthete.


It’s brutal how some of her clients just drop off the face of the earth after all the work she’s done for them, tours, offer letters and then radio silence..

She works so hard and so earnestly and fastidiously.

I want to help her out. I wish I had more friends who were looking to buy/sell houses.

I told her I can help her with her branding and marketing since she’s given no time to it.

I really want to support her and see her succeed.


I told her to give the Bach Rescue Remedy that I got her a try. Just so when she’s feeling stressed she can reach for it and spray it under her tongue. Somehow the spray doesn’t work.

I’ll get her another.

She has a broker’s tour this Wednesday in the city, she said I should come out.

Maybe the Rescue Remedy not working and me needing to get her a replacement is a sign that I should come out.


I don’t know what it is, but I have this heightened appreciation and deep love for her, more than ever. I just want to see her stress-free, happy and in her power.


I’m glad I’m becoming a very present listener. I used to be such a judgey brat when I was around her. Thinking her conversation topics were shallow and superficial.

Now I’m listening. I want to understand her. And her world and how she sees it.


Near desert, I wrote in her bday card and wrote out all the properties of the stones I gave her on a tiny Florentine note paper with a Gaunyin stamp on the back of it. I gave it to her and told her if she can, keep the stones in her purse.


What I put inside me: acv, lemon turmeric water, green juice, dandy blend; gluten free blueberry pancakes, veggie Indian green curry, coconut basmati rice, salad with creamy dressing, peanut butter cookie, kreer Indian rice pudding, a cinnamon cardamom sugar bomb ball (all of the yummy off diet food was made by the “ayurvedic” chef at J’s house made; sweet potato awesom e chips (finished the bag on the ride home); house made pickles, dashi something the japanese egg omelette, house made tofu, hot soba with tempura, some yummy house made gelate, buckwheat tea all shared with with my sister for her bday dinner at Soba Ichi; coconut and Immune Support Tea, since rthe chef and my sister was coming down with something


Monday, June 3, 2019 10:54am


Dear U,

Inspired by my visit with the guru and swamjii, I woke up and went straight into the pink room to meditate. Curtains drawn, doors closed. It took a whole for the mind to defrag but then I was able to slow down.


I need to build the discipline to do this daily. I saw myself slipping away from the practice after the Domme Bootcamp.


After the meditation, I meditatively did the dishes. I’m trying to do the opposite of what my mind wants to do. I’m trying to slow down.


I tidied up the piles of papers on the round table, there was my new healing tonics book, I flipped it open and started reading.


I like this morning routine. I didn’t go straight to my morning pages. It’s hard to decide what’s more important first thing. Meditation or journal. I think meditation.

Maybe I’ll try meditation, journal, clean, read, tomorrow.


I had a pretty potent dream that I can’t seem to remember.

But all I know is that I’m supposed to bring balance, back in myself and in the world.

If I can help the masculine and feminine commune (or communicate) with each other..


Power is communicated on an energetic level.

Power is communicated in the space in between.

Therefore power is potent when it sits in silence.


Power travels through the medium of truth, which can be felt, heard and then seen.


I need to remember, the more that I meditate the more the truth comes through.


All of this time, I’ve been working on myself, which is really just building the disciplined practice of taking care of myself.


Eating well and consciously.


Writing and Creating

And exercising


A part of my me doesn’t want to leave this sanctuary.

Traveling to NY and Europe doesn’t sound as nearly as appealing as staying home, meditating, reading, writing, eating well, and pervetting..


The energy in this house is incredibly high right now. Maybe it’s all the shrines.

I can’t stop shrining. Every corner has something alive and vibrant, like a plant, like Guanyin, like a stone (stones are totally alive).

Every flower, every plant, every stone, every thoughtfully placed thing makes my heart smile.


It’s crazy how one create peace within themselves by creating a place of harmony within their home.


This house is so beautiful,  the documentarian in me wants to photograph everything. But I don’t have time to pick up my phone or camera.


I feel an urgency. To create, to pervette, to prepare for my travels and workshops ahead.


I remember how amazing that one week (before the Domme weekend) where I didn’t go to my vipassanna and I had a somewhat silent meditation retreat here in my temple. It was paradise.

It’s incredible how paradise is home.

Being in this house makes me so incredibly grateful.


Do you remember how I started writing to you this time last year?

It’s been a whole year.

I remember how I actually went back and edited the entries for the first couple of weeks. And then never again. Though I want to. Really badly.


I remember this time last year, we were planning on selling this house.

I remember this time last year, I asked Her to leave.


Maybe because my body keeps the score, but I’ve been thinking of Her almost daily lately. How this time last year, everything shifted.


My close friends asked me how did I do it? Invite someone to live with me for 8 months. They all know me as an introvert who needs A LOT of alone time. It confuses them. Even my mom doesn’t quite get it.

I was just listening to my intuition. It told me when to open up and when to go introspective. It was only after She left that I started writing to you.

My exercise in writing to you feels introspective.

Maybe that’s why when I’m being social and there’s a lot going on outside of me, I don’t write  to you.


It’s only when I’m alone with myself can I write to you.


Maybe I had to let go of Her to develop this relationship with you.





Spend more time with family.

Meditate more.

Juice more.


I have a session tonight with S2. It’s not a full Mediation Monday.

I can go from morning till 5:30. Then I’ll shower and get ready..


Meditation Mondays are really prototype days.

I should incorporate aspects of that day into everyday.


For instance, like right now, not being on the phone in the AM at all feels amazing.


So many reasons why I just want to stay home.

I want to make a pot of tea blending all the good herbs I have in my kitchen.

I want to juice!


I love taking care of myself.


I’m glad we haven’t booked anything for our Europe trip, I’m gonna try to steer P to make it shorter, just London, the wedding, Lisbon and treehouse.

And there’s J steering us to Bali..


I think I’m going to make a pot of tea, read a little more, and then try to pervette the Educatrix page




Dear U,

After I last wrote to you, I opened up the book Nutritional Healing and went to the arthritis section. And my symptoms, stiff joints in the morning, sounds like rhuematoid arthritis. The more I read, the more it sounded like I have it.

I got super concerned and sad, I called up my mom, she was praying and she said she’ll call me back. I called P, he picked up and was pretty high.

(We both meditated at the same time this morning)


In my distraught sad little mupps voice, I said

Hi Mupps..

I think I have I rheumatoid arthritis.


I got to express the little me that feels fragile and worried, tears started to flow.

P couldn’t help but to laugh at my melodramatic tone.

Don’t worry, Mupps, it’s gonna be okay.


I got to cry and make him laugh at me and my constant body issues

I feel better.


Then we moved on to how my visit with the guru yesterday is prompting me to abstain from psychedelics and plant medicine. He thinks that’s a good call.

I also told him I’m feeling into a shorter Europe trip. He feels that way too.




Dear U,

Funny how a few hours can create such a shift. Now that I think I have arthritis and the time is getting closer to my session and I haven’t pervetted and I want to juice and make lunch, I feel some anxiety. I think it’s because I think I need to do a social media post abut what happened at the Domme bootcamp before it becomes too late..

Time pressure makes me anxious.

How do people with real jobs do it?


I think I’m gonna juice, make a salad and then do the social media post. The text from the post will go hand in hand with some of the educatrix page.


I’m also aware that I didn’t fully give myself a free day between now and when I leave for NY Thursday.

I feel like the universe is telling me to be in the city Wednesday to meet 2 new peeps/potential friends and allies, meditate with the guru and group at N’s house and go to my sister’s opening/broker tour


And there’s this influx of texts of friends who are reaching out, thinking of me, coming into town in the coming weeks, and they all want to connect.


I know it’s time to be out and about. But right now, I feel like going inward and the thought of being present for another feels like a lot.


I’m valuing my time, more than ever. I’m picking up motivation to raise my tribute rate for a classic bdsm session to 1111/hr..



I feel better.

Taking the time to chop the veggies, juice, pick mint from my garden to add to the kale, chard, cilantro, carrot, celery juice, and drink it all up while standing barefoot on the grass outside, breathing in the fresh air, with the sun on my back helps..


Oh and my arthritis scare prompted me to set up a remote consultation with P’s eastern medicine doc tomorrow.


It’s such a beautiful day.

I pulled a truthbomb card that said

procrastination is a form of inspiration..




Dear U,

I worked through the anxiety. I know where it stemmed from.

My attachment to staying home. It made me not look forward to leaving it.


The truth is, I’m gonna have an amazing time in NY and Europe. And even this Wed when I go into the city.


I need to stay not attached, present, and accepting everything.


This arthritis scare prompted me to have a consultation with J, the eastern medicine doc, which I’ve been meaning to do.

I will heal and this scare will lead to something good, understanding oh how to take care of myself.


I read the BUddha book by Osho with Cutie outside on the grass. The book and her calmed me. I find when I don’t giver her time and some intentional gazing, I get a little lost.

Did I tell you that I woke up from a dream the other week with the message,

infant eye gazing..


I think Cutie eye gazing has the same healing calming effect.

I made a giant spinach salad and ate it outside on the grass.


Juice for lunch salad for dinner. I feel healthy again, after yesterday’s day of indulgent eating.


It’s almost 6, I should probably get ready for my session with S2. It’ll be really nice to see him.

The magic hour in this house is hypnotizing.


What I put inside me: acv, lemon water with turmeric, astragalus fire cider, coconut meat, cherries, orac green juice with Total Nutrition and chlorella; chard, kale, celery, cilantro, carrot, and mint juice freshly pressed; a giant hearty spinach salad with egg, avocado, walnuts and blueberries

Tuesday, June 4, 2019 12:23pm


Dear U,

Everything shifts so quickly. I had a slow morning meditating in the pink room, then biomat.


I had a dream the night before where a message came through

It’s the practice of surrender


I thought it was relating to my work as a Domme.


In my meditation on the biomat, I place the new crystals I got on me. I placed the Apopjyliite pyramid on my third eye because it felt right (and I just learned right now as I’m typing this that it’s a powerful third eye opener for enhanced psychic abilities-good job intuition). I placed the rutilated quartz at the crown of my head because it promotes learning, prosperity and hair growth.


While I was meditating I realized that all of my anxiety was self induced. I don’t really need to post on social media about the domme bootcamp this week. It can be when I feel inspired to.

And yes I’m going to the city tomorrow and NY Thursday. It’s okay that I’m leaving my sanctuary. I ought to accept that I’m supposed to leave the temple from time to time to do what i need to do and see who I need to see.

And it’s okay, I don’t need to create all these pages on Pervette like right now. It’ll come to me. If I need to go slow, then go slow. I need to listen to my body and intuition..

I also think this arthritis thing is just a way for me to learn how to take care of myself.


I fell asleep for a minute after my meditation. Then I had a consult call with J.

He says an east west approach to my arthritis is the way to go.

He said it, I have arthritis.

He says arthritis just means inflammation of the joint.


He says the western approach treats the body like a machine and each part as permanent and disconnected. So the western way of diagnosing and remedying reinforces the idea that it’s permanent, the part and its disease

While the eastern approach sees the body as an organic unit, everything is connected and temporary.


He thinks it’s a channel issue, I need to not constrict, but allow.


Herbs, acupuncture and meditation is the eastern remedy.

He’s going to have me consult with P for the more western approach.


Funny how his prescription is more meditation and allowing..

That’s the message that’s been coming through for me..


He says the arthritis is just a sign of an underlying imbalance.

Heavy metals get lodged on larger parts of the body and when they get detoxed they might move to smaller parts and cause inflammation

Combining what he said to my own intuition, I said I think that the arthritis might have came on while I was doing a lot of cilantro juicing last week and possibly the calcium and heavy metals got detoxed from one part of the body, into my bloodstream and into another part of my body, like my joints.

He thinks that might be the case.


He says this is actually a blessing in disguise bc it’ll lead to a better udnerstanding of my body, where it’s at and how to bring it back into balance.

Funny how I arrived at that yesterday after my freakout.


He’s going to make me a special herbal blend in the meantime and have it shipped to me by tomorrow. I’ll drink the herbs like a tea.


Then he guided me through a meditation where I allow the energy to come form my heart rather than the head.


I like J’s approach, it’s a blend of western science groundedness with an eastern orgainic softness. It’s very soothing. I feel even better now, knowing that this is temporary and a way to learn how to heal and take care of myself..


After I hung up on J, I called P.

So he’s giving me a tea to make and drink and I need to meditate more, I said in my muppety voice.

Wow, so the solution is get more muppety.

Yeah totally.


P tells about his awkward muppety day yesterday, where he went to a meeting with a J2 and an acquaintance of his who’s a founder of a cbd marketplace co, and it turned out to be a formal meeting with the whole team of the company and they were being sale-sy. The first 10 -15 min  involved everyone going around introducing themselves and telling the group something funny about themselves. P was last and he said something like,

We’re 15 min in to the meeting and I haven’t learned anything meaningful.

It got super awkward he said.

He also told them that they’re prolly gonna get crushed by Amazon.


We got closer to finalizing our Europe trip. Arriving home on the earlier side. Yay!


He said he’s also considering coming up tomorrow and joining me in the meditation with the guru at N’s. And then on Thursday, he can be with me and send me off to NY.

Me of yesterday would’ve felt anxious about time to self slipping away, but me today knows that everything is as it should be.

Feels good to be back in flow..


I  have M, a new acquaintance, coming over at 3, it’s 1:22pm. I need to tidy up  the place, get ready and watch his film (that he wants feedback on) before he gets here.



I tidied up while watching the film that M made. As it turns out it was an educational porn written by and starring him and a black pro domme. It was a very low budget production.

It was about SWERFS and sexwork. He a swerf volunteer trying to save her from her “prostituted self” but ends up geting converted by her in a full bdsm session.


When we arrived, I made us tea and had a mini spread of nuts and blueberries.


Our visions are aligned, he’s organized play parties, he’s a huge sexwork activist, and I like that we both want to make educational porn.

He’s poly and into being the legendary secondary.

He gave me his thoughts on David Deida.

He says he’s a talker, I see.

He wants to introduce me to his lover, who’s a domme and the actress in the film I just watched and maybe we can make something together.

Our aesthetics seem very different. It wasn’t necessary to mention that just yet.

It was a good hour and half meeting.

I gave him some Level cannabis products to take home.


I had a 4:30 consultation with the naturopath, which was perfect. I like meetings with endcaps.

I had a good consult with the naturopath.

I’m gonna get some bloodwork done.

Hold off on the spirulina and chlorella, she says.

More sunlight, less blue light.


It’s the warmest and beautiful day ever.


Yet my body wanted to stay inside, on the biomat, by the glass door, and meditate.

I went deep.

I read parts of Opening to Channel.


The meditations that end in a nap.

When I wake I feel like a slow moving child.

I took a walk in the magic hour.

I watched the birds and butterflies do their thing.

I came back


I made a stirfry.

Ate it.


I’m glad that I’m back in this meditative state, open to channeling what wants to come through..


Wednesday, June 5, 2019


I got up.

Tidied up the moon room.

Juiced celery, carrot, chard, kale, cilantro, beet and something else and drank it


Another sunny day

I made a green smoothie with avocado, spinach, romaine lettuce, celery, chard, pink lady apple, lemons and mint. After 6 iterations, it was pretty yummy.

I brought a glass thermos of the smoothie (with bee pollen and coconut shreds on top) to Concord airport to pick up P.

It was very warm in Concord. It felt like the 50’s to roll up to the plane, see P walk off and there we were hugging and walking to the car.

We went home, I showed P how  to make a veggie stirfy.

Pretty much vigorouslu shake all the spices in your cabinet into the the pan and toss..

We ate outside in the backyard, the weather was perfect

P hawked a loogie, a giant one and it landed on the shoulder of his Acne shirt,

It was comical.


We left at 2:20 and made it to the city just in time for my 3pm meeting with T and A, two women who were friends of friends that I met for the first time.

They were both CEO’s. One wants to help sexworkers and payments. Another is the founder of a school all about orgasm. She gave me an anatomical clit.

It was a powerful meeting.

A was very excited that I was a domme, she dabbled in it and couldn’t continue because it was clashing with her new enterprise. But she is excited to help me and play in my dungeon..


We ended at 4:30ish I picked P up from the lab. He drove as I wrapped a present for K. He was high. And rearended a Vietnamese Uber driver. It was barely a scratch but info was exchanged all the while I was still wrapping my present for K.


We slid into N and K’s just in time to sit with the guru and a new group of meditators, all guys in the tech space.

Except for C, who was in town..

We slid out of the Q&A with the guru to go to my sis’ broker’s tour. It was 4 min away.


Do you smell something? she asked us. It smells like weed.

I don’t smell anything.


We went back to N and K’s for dinner. I connected with C.

She said she loved how we met at my bday party.

She recounted how epic it was, her peaking on Molly with all of our friends while I was giving my speech.


We talked about Aya, I told her I knew of some great practitioners.

If she wants I can connect them, and if she wants I would be happy to join her and M. She got super excited.. we got chills..


I notice that I have this effect. It happened to A today and C. They both got really excited and animated around me..


Connected with N about karma, relationships,


We left later than we anticipated.

By the time we got home I was too tired to pack



On the ride home, I told P I feel bad we gaslit my sister. I want to be honest with her.

And I don’t her to feel disrespected.

He was empathetic and felt bad too and texted her saying he did vape in the bathroom, and maybe that’s what she was smelling..

She replied No worries!

I’m glad he did that.

Thursday, June 6, 2019


Very focused packing morning.

P drove me to the dungeon, he saw me off, I got a Lyft from there

A cautions driver with a new car in bridge traffic.

I might not make the check in cutoff

I take it as an opprutnuty to meditate.


I arrived at 12:02pm for my 12:55 flight.

Curbside check-in.

50 pounds exactly.

I has time to get a kale salad at Dogpatch for the plane

They were just boarding priority folks as I got to the gate.

Perfect timing.


I recorded the backlog of my days in my project planner..

I recount every day, what i did in May.


There was a doc on Meow Wolf, the Santa Fe art collective.

I just learned about them recently.

My sub last week gave me a New Yorker article about them.

I watched the doc. It was really good.


The flight went by quickly.

On the Left ride to C’s place, I called my mom, she’s making me yellow and purple flower boomark, we pick the colors of the beads to go with it.

She tidied up the kitchen island, that’s bog deal. She says she needs the house in order before she crochets. I feel like this crocheting is making her a really good way.


I arrive at C’s. C’s wife’s cousin let me in and handed me the keys, she said she’s taking off tomorrow so I’ll have the whole place to myself.

All 3000 sq ft.


I feel buzzy electric, I meditate and fall asleep with Cutie.


What I put inside me: acv, green smoothie I made and share with P, kale salad, arugula salad from Dogpatch which I ate on the plane, Urban Remedy cacao chip bar, walnuts, garlic cashews (from Bali), 91% cacao chocolate, a banana,


Friday,  June 6, 2019 12:45 am


Dear U,

I spent 8 hours walking today. I feel settled in now..


I woke up feeling like I needed to meditate, so I did.


P is booking all the flights and hotels for the euro trip. I got all the confirmation emails.


When I set out around 1:30 or 2pmish.. I felt like going to ABCV, a high end plant-based restaurant.


I made 2 random stops.

Deceim- an abornormal beauty store.

The farmer’s market, where I got arthritis salve.

I got seated at the bar.

I vacillate. I want the sauteed greens. SHould I get the eggplant dosa too? I ask the server, he says that might be a lot. So I stick with the greend.


I went to the bathroom and when I got back, the whole bar was cleared, except a woman had taken a seat right next to me.

I kinda wanted my space. But she had a nice energy to her.


She said my dish looked yummy.

She got the dosa, she said I have to try hers.

She gave me a bite, after that bite, I had to get one myself..

We started chatting..

She thought it was cool I was a domme.

She apologized for being so chatty it was just that the NY times was following her around today. And she’s just in a buzzy mood.


It turns out, she’s F, I actually have her book and app.

She’s all about helping women with hormonal balance.

She knows A2, they met at Summit.


She asked if I wanted to have kids.

I said maybe in 4 years.

I still have a lot I want to do. Like help start a matriarchal revolution.



How can I help you? she asks.

That’s what A, the CEO of another sexuality femm empowerment/Bosslady that I recently met this past Wednesday, asked me..

Kinda strange how I randomly connected with

Two female sexual empowerment powerhouses

in 2 days

and they both got excited/chatty with me

and want to help me..


And the way F offered me a bite of her dosa, which I received and then proceeded to get one myself (bc I was vacillating between getting that along with the sauteed greens earlier)



When my bill at ABCV came

the tax was $4.44

The total was $54.44.


I see 444 (and 111) a lot

It means my guides are with me

And that it was all meant to be..


The only person who knows I’m in town (other than A2 and the Breakup Bootcamp crew) is S, which I had dinner with tonight.


The thought of reaching out and connecting with my friends in NY feels like a lot right now.

I’ll go slowly..

I don’t want to overwhelm myself.


I realize since this Shaktipa meditation practice, I have gone even more inward..


Back to the farmer’s market, went crazy on the tinctures…


2 bookstores..


Can I watch you? I ask the clerk at Mast as she cuts the mylar to wrap the book..

Yes! she smiled.


I haven’t seen S since 2 years ago in Berlin..

We had a yummy dinner..

She’s been going through a lot since.

A divorce. And her ex-hushand/partner is transitioning to female..


Caught the epic pink.purple gloaming.

Went to Big Gay Ice cream she got ice cream, she got a dipped soft serve, I passed.


We passed by Tea Drunk, I went in to ask the tea guy whom I met last time when I was there if he has H’s email. H was his friend who stopped in at Tea drunk that night and we connected over Maggie Nelson and queer theory.


Am I really gonna walk home? My feet are tired. It’s a nice night, I don’t want to be in  a car..

So I walked..

I did a full loop. Walked back through Union Square Park and Madison Square park, down Broadway, popped in the Museum of Sex to check out their book section..


I came back, ate 2/3 of the Urban Remedy Cacao chip bar, took a bath in the master bath. It felt good, esp on my feet.

I talk to P, he’s so in love with me and happy for me, it’s really something..


I thought I was going to sit in a cafe and think about what i’m going to do for my workshop on Sunday. Nope that didn’t happen.


I walked, explored the city, blended in.


I notice now, everywhere I go, I must buy tapes and tinctures, books and notebooks. Without fail.

And I must spend money on juice and things good for my body..



Things I spent money on:

$20 on arthritis salve at the farmer’s market

$54.44 at AbcV sauteed greens, eggplant dosa, and Root Reboot juice

$4 on lavender sachet at farmer’s market

$27 on 4 tinctures, milk thistle, horsetail, turmeric, gingko cayenne

$3 Vintage copy of Emmanuelle the book

$42 at Muji on notebook, 3 rolls of washi tape, liquid container, black sweatpants that I wore out of the store because it was getting darker/colder and I wanted to not go back to the pad to change out of my shorts

$26 on CBD cream at the Alchemist’s Kitchen

$12 on reviver’s tonic with kombucha

$26 on Bruno Manuri’s Art Theorems book at Mast Books

$77 on dinner for me and S at Cafe Mogador, which she claimed was her best meal here all week

$18 on DUP japanese liquid eyeliner at a japanesey store called Shibuya

$6 on ginger shot and lighter at a bodega

I spent all the money I put in my wallet and then started charging on my credit card by the the time I got to Cafe Mogador.

What I put in me: Rising Spring water (that I gave a gallon of to C but he hadn’t open it so I guess my mineral spring water for me), sauteed greens and a bite of F’s eggplant dosa,

Saturday, June 8, 2019

Got up, got ready and had J, our Hero Lyft driver who is into female supremacy, pick me up and take me to Hudson.


I got to meditate in the beginning of the ride and in the 2nd half he got super excited (again) talking about how women need to rule the world and men are just here to serve them.

He’s Indian, somewhat woke, and gets it.


When I arrived at the giant (100 acre) estate in Hudson, I dropped my bags in the master bedroom in the second house (I get to share the King size bed with A2 again)


I joined the women outside on the grass under a tree, as they were about to get in a circle and share their old limiting belief and newly revised and more expansive one, while we say that new belief to each women in the circle so she can receive it.


I connected with E, the psychologist. We caught up and went over our overlapping concepts/take home messages  from our session: self-compassion, self-expansion, opposite action, etc.

I sat next to her at the long table outside at lunch, which was a pretty plate of lightly cooked veggies and mashed lentils, it was good but very light.


I asked E the chef if there was any leftover cake from last night’s dinner. She opened the fridge and pulled out a plate of leftover flourless gluten  free chocolate cake and fixed me  a plate with a dollop of greek yogurt.

It was so yummy.

While savoring the cake, we caught up. She told me about this awak bone setting healer she just saw last week. As she’s been having coccyx issues for the past decade from riding horses. She’s seen everybody, but this guy, she says, is something else.

He comes from a lineage of bone setters. And he was intense. She said he went into to all the places no one goes and he goes deep. She was screaming and grabbing the edge of the massage table and he wouldn’t let up. Her body was all tingly. Afterwards, when she saw herself in the mirror her face was all flushed and she looked 10 years younger.

I said to her, I need to see him.


I love medicinal pain.


I went out to the same spot

on the grass by the hammock facing the lake nearby

I was there last August when I got the crazy downloads


I meditated.

Dad called.

I took it.

Father’s Day is coming up

I told him I’ll send him a check.

It was a short call

I continued meditating.


I got up and sat on the patio and hung out with A2, as the women were in their NLP/hypnosis session.

We connected/got caught up.

E the chef came out, I told A2 about E’s new healer and how we have to see him..


He’s not in Hudson but some town an hour away.

Maybe we can make a special trip next week to see him.

Or we can try to see him this Monday after the bootcamp ends, A2 suggested.

E says she’ll reach out to him and see if he’s available.

Be ready to cry, she says.


The chocolate cake got me on a sugar kick. I ate E’s matcha balls and cacao balls..

And a square of Hu’s Minty chip chocolate.


Dinner was chicken, grilled veggies and vegan cheesecake with passionfruit.


A2 did her session and the night ended with a letter burning ceremony and sound bath.


I went over my old notes from the last breakup and domme bootcamp and went to bed fairly early (around 12:30). Unlike all my past retreats I didn’t stay up late and write down all these downloads I was receiving.



Back to my previous week