Monday, June 28, 2021 

Dear U, 

I woke up with this charge. It came out in my morning pages. My writing sloppier and more agitatetd.  Curse words. I want to fucking do this. I want to tell my story, share my dreams and wisdom. What the fuck is going on? I know life has been non-stop, one magical connection after another. But where is that time for me to create? Everyday is a showing up for another, to help, to love, to serve. I know it’s all part of my work. But what the fuck. I need to do this. It’s the deepest agiation in me..

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Fuck. Just let it heal, hopefullt it won’t scar..will this ruin my poly sex life?

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I call P2, let him know to pick Cutie up at 8pm tomorrow night instrad of noon. I need her with me as I write. She was with me as I furiously wrote out my morning pages, I felt like it was her telling me to do this. 

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M texts me that he’s fantasizing about “being deep inside my wet little bunny rn”

I’m not feeling it. I reply with a bunny, flower and juicy emoji.

No words. He hearts it.

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I notice a pattern. M fantasizes about me the morning after the day/night with A8, his lover. and he would text me so.  Maybe this is his way of showong that he’s devoted to me, as he says he is.

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Last night, I text him at 11:11pm (not intentionally ) letting him know that P2 can come over to look at his bathroom to assess it and possibly paint it either Monday morning or Tuesday afternoon. Just lmk when is good..

I didn’t get a reply until 1:04am. He says Tuesday afternoon is good. 

I can assume that he was with her until 12:48 or so. 

Maybe this is part of the agitation.

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I’m sure it’s all connected. She’s a sweet rad girl. I know we’ll be good friends. But I can feel her envy. 

When he was with her last, he told her about my pregnancy scare, how we have been having unprotected sex, how it made him strong in his conviction that he wants to start a family with me.  

All news to her. The unprotected sex as well. She said that she can’t be lovers with him anymore knowing that. 

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Did you guys have sex after she said that? I asked when M8 and I were showering together after our sexcapade Saturday morning.

Yes, he said.

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I feel something. The agitation. Is it hers? Or is it mine? 

M says he’s with her as a way to be with me, to keep up with my expansive world, it’s an attempt at finding balance. 

But it feels imblanced to me. I don’t have a lover in the same town that I see weekly. 

I don’t have time for a weekly lover. But maybe every now and then..

When I tell M this. He gets rattled to his core..

What kind of open relationship is this? If he’s too insecure or possessive to let me venture out and play?

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What is he worried about? That my sexual focus will be diverted?

How does he manage it with her and me? I should ask.

How is it that I’m not worried that he’s going to fall deeply for her or another and want to be with them forever?

I can feel how much he loves and desires me. 

I have so much confidence and security in myself, in us, and in the Unknown. Even if he did choose another to be with, I know I would be fine. 

I’m here to love the world. And by natural law, the world loves me back..

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I mean I do have P and we have our 7+ years together, of the deepest growing and finding outselves. We’re life partners and mupp companions, we don’t have sex. That’d be weird. 

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I have A. A lover and soulamte that I haven’t seen since October of last year, since he left California, like every other wealthy entrepreneur I know. 

The last time we made love. He fucked me in the ass. As T fucked me in my pussy with the strap-on I lent her.

3 hours earlier, we were playing minitiare golf. 

I hollered, The loser gets DP’ed tonight!

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I have L. A  Swedish lover for a minute in 2020 until he moved to New York and struck it big with his business.

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L texted me on Signal. Chat tonight?

Tonight is great! I replied.

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Also on Signal, my drug dealer wants to have lunch with me and give a new and improved DMT cartridge, mushroom chocolates and some new CBT they made. All freebies since I’ve connected him with my friends, who are great drug-buying clients, apparently. 

I think they were also curious from delivering my goodies, who is this nice girl who lives in this giant house on top of the hill? 

I said I would love to have them over for tea after I get back from LA. 

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The rate at which I’m making friends and new connections is pretty rapid. 3-4 new freinds/connections a week on average. Sometimes more. 

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People meet me and they feel something magical in our connection.

They feel the fatedness of it. 

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I wasn’t always like this. Magical. 

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2014 is when it all started happening.

I have this weird idea of finding a lover through pervette. What if I gamify love and intimacy in this space? What if I create the most interesting rabbithole to get to know someone and them get to know me. Give them all the juicy details of my world, inner and outer. 

Show them what it takes to woo me, to get me in the mood to say..yes, let’s make love. 

Oh and the ride to that point is just going to be a journey of a lifetime, that’s all. 

it’s going to be doing the deepest work on self.  

Because I’m into self-actualized dreamers and creators who know themselves, who can face their fears to seek and tell their truth. So much that they love the story they get to tell..

I get turned on my good stories. Tell me a good story. Tell me how you changed.  Tell me how you grew beyond your self. Tell me how you chose to be fearless even for a moment. Tell me your dreams, Tell me how you’re making them come true. Tell me something that will blow my mind. Get me so wet with your power. The power to create your reality from your wildest dreams. Tell me that you know me, because you know yourself. You walked this life with the most open heart. The most thoughtful mind. Get me off on what your power. To inspire change. In me. In the world around you. Show me how you kept your lightness through the darkness. Show me how you move with grace through the bunps and twists. Show me how you felt the depeest pain that pushed you to find your way to heal and grow stronger. Show me what you got. Show me everything you got.  I want it. 

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I’m going to re-activate the Playground page

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Did I tell you how I moved through my agitations this morning? I walked around the house and screamed like a mad women. I’m gonna fucking do this! As I lit the candles, changed the water cups.

Thank goddess I live alone. 

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More words came out.  Something is inside me. It’s a spirit.

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I go into the toad room, Rummage thorugh my 9 box of random books. Pick up the Autobiograpghy of Gandhi and opened up toa page where he decided to not meat anymore.

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I’ve been torn about this. Going plant-based. While still wanting to be lectin-free (a la The Plant Paradox). it’s kinda tricky as fuck. 

If I don’t eat soy or beans, where do I get my protein?

I’ve lost hair from not having enough protein in my diet, multiple times. I don’t want to go through that trauma again..

But I know when I don’t eat meat, I feel so clean dan clear. I can channel. 

I’m more spititualized when there is no bad karma in me.  My meditations are more deeper.

Even though I eat grass-fed and fisnished and pastured-raised. It’s still there. The suffering.

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I should experiment. 

A week of no mammals. 

A week of being a pescatarian.

A week of being a vegatarian.

A week of being vegan.

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Okay. It’s 12:29pm. When did I buy/download the Omm Writer app and started writing?

Was it just an hour ago?

I can get so much writing done in an hour.

I need to carve this time out daily. This needs to be my practice..

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1:23pm

I called earlier to check on the status of my car. They still haven’t had the parts in yet. they think it’s going to be Wednesday when they’ll be done and I’ll have my car back. 

I trust this. 

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My neighgbor put in these sonar gopher repellent stakes. I can hear the low level humming of it every 2 minutes. 

It’s kinda annoying..

I want to go over there and pull them out without them seeing me. But he’s the neighbor that got into an alteracation with my fave neighbor..he’s the “weird one” we call him. Seemingly nice when he walks his dog, but a wingnut if you cross him. I’m in good terms with him. For now.

I think I’ll tell him that it’s an annoying and i would pay for some repellant alternative.

For now, I’m blasting Deric Wan. 

I trust the gohper stakes are pushing me into a pleasure trance with my childhood idol. These songs I used to listen to on repeat with my headphones as I masturbate and spin a world of Fantasies. When I listen to them again, I get transported back to that pleasure to that fanatasy to that active dreaming.

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I’m chanting spontaneouly, I’m moved by some fire from witihn. I’m letting myself go, letting myself go crazy.

I haven’t had an improptuition day like this in a while. A whole 3 days to myself. Carless and housebound. I’m excited. I get to eat with what i have in the fridge. What a fun challenge.

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There you go again, making the most out of the hiccups until you can’ t remember what the issue was to begin was, said M the other day when I was making matcha lattes for us.

It’s true. That’s my super power. I make the most out of everything. 

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Dancing to Deric Wan..

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I make the most out of these agitations. I trust it. 

Somehow in writing to you, chanting, praying, meditating, I’m on a high. I can feel everything pushing me to do this work…

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Okay 🙂 9pm my time? (Hands praying emoji)

That sounds perfect (white heart)

Heart eyes, fire flame and volcano, he replies

I haven ’t talked to L in a long while. I’m sad al our steamy voice memos on Signal are gone. They were so good..

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15 min later

He double dips, 

Will you be naked? (angel face and tongue sticking out face)

How do I respond?

Honestly I’m not in the mood for a naked videochat .. 

Mmm, possibly, we shall see… (blushing cat and pink layered heart) I replied

Nice, and no promises. Not that sexy.

Come to think of it I should’ve went with 

Mmmm.. (blushyface)

Shorter and ambiguous..

Oh well..

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I can’t believe I did it. I sat at the table with Cutie and just let it flowed..

I get a call from a stange number with 12 digits. I don’t pick up. 

I get a text from that number:

HI SLUTMUPP. PMUPPS ON MY SAT phone. I tried calling.

Oh whoa, it’s P calling from his new plane.

I call him back at his strange number.

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Dominoe’s Pizza, says the guy on the other line.

Hello?

Dominoe’s Pizza.

This is not Dominoe’s Pizza. This is Pmupps, I said. Although for a minute he did sound like a nasaly kid working at Domino’s Pizza. It’s the reception or the line from his plane phone that makes his voice sound extra muppety.

P is flying his n ew plane form Tennessee to Austin. His sugarbaby is with him, asleep. Since we’re talkign through the plane line, she could possibly hear us through her headphones. 

P is pretty ecstatic, he’s playing with his fancy new toy. Funny how this time last year, for his 44th birthday, we were in Seattle playing with his new toy back then, the CrissCraft boat. He sold that thing and is on to the Sirius Visionjet or whatever this plane is. 

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Tuesday, June 29th

These are my days of being wild. Left to my own devices, I meditate,  I masturbate, I chant, I howl,  I dance,  I sceam.  These are my days of being wild.

I’m following a spirit that’s guiding me.

In this spiritualized state, I pray for J. That he’s in a good and beautiful place. Following the light. I pray for V, that he will heal himself and have the strength to overcome his addictions. 

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I 

I am channeling. 

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