Sunday June 23, 2019 8:30pm

 

Dear U,

I’m wearing my new red color therapy glasses (that I got at the Whitney) right now. Everything’s dark and red. Even though it’s not blueblockers, it’s doing a great job of blocking out the blue light and it actually fits my face.

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I’m in a quiet monk mode.

I think it’s the meditation turned nap earlier, and waking up unsure of what day it is and thinking it might be the next morning, but it was just 6pm.

I feel like a somber child waking up to an empty house. There’s the slightest bit of loneliness.

I could catch the 7pm showing of Northern Lights with P2 (his uncle is in the film) but my body’s telling me to stay here, be alone, sit in this silence.

I kinda want to invite P2 over and make a salad for us since tonight and tomorrow morning is probably the peak freshness of the pound of spring mix I got yesterday. But it would be a rush for him to eat a salad here and catch the film.

I think I was meant to just take it slowly and quietly.

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I did the dishes with gloves on (careful not to get my hands too wet or else my finger nails might loosen itself from the nail bed-notice a theme? I ALWAYS have some body issue)

I made a salad.

Ate it as mindfully as I could on the biomat with the sun behind me. It was yummy. And went for a walk in the magic hour with Cutie in my zip up hoodie, with her head sticking out.

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A2 is done with the doodle of P. She sent me a picture of it (it’s above). It looks really good. I’m amazed at how quickly she can whip one up.

It was just yesterday morning I was contemplating and whatsapping her all the objects, thought and speech bubble possibilities that can go in it.

And voila! I now have a bday present to surprise P with.

I like how I commissioned A2 to make art of and for P. It feels so good to support her in her art. And it was a co-creation between us (deciding what to put in the doodle) for P.

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I like how co-creation is becoming a theme. It’s happening with me and my mom. She’s been texting me pics of her crocheting almost daily. Which always prompts me to call her right away to tell her how good the crocheted flower, strawberry, dress, or hat looks. And we talk about it, how cute it is, what color is best. And she asks what next? And what color do I like?

I like how her crocheting is making us connect more. She now knows how to get my attention and subtly make me call her right away. I’d feel terrible if she texted me what she’s been working on and I don’t respond.

I think my mom, P, A2 and my mom are the only people I reply to in a timely manner.

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It only takes a day for me to turn my house into an explosion of muppetiness. The moon room is scattered with books, stones, tuning forks, and nail polish, whch is where I’m at right now.

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I feel just the slightest anxiousness that I’ll never have the energy or time to fill you in on everything, which I want to. I mean I haven’t even recorded everything I ate since New York. Without that I can’t recall my days in detail.

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Once again I’m in this strange place, relishing every slow quiet moment that I’m giving myself, and also very keenly aware there’s a lot to be done if I want to accomplish my goals (e.g. matriarchal revolution).

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And I want to do it right and completely but I can’t. I want to share with you my days in depth with pictures, video and sound. So you can be fully immersed in it. I want to share with you everything I’m thinking in every lived moment. But I can’t

Because in the moment, of being in it, I’m just in it. The present constantly consumes me.  Until I’m spent.  And then I can’t even imagine trying to recall what happened. I have no energy to even think about it.

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I also think about how this writing is so not polished. How I wanted to in the beginning to go back and clean it up. But of course since I don’t even have the time to write everything, how can I possibly have the time to edit.

So it’s less than what I want it to be.

I think I have this tendency to want everything to be perfect and complete. But it’s impossible. If I’m trying to be present.

And the time it takes to write all this to you, it takes away from building the “main” pages of pervette.

Which I haven’t touched in weeks.

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I can’t tell if I’m doing this right. Listening to my body and going at the pace it wants to from day to day feels right. But oftentimes my body isn’t telling me to work on Pervette. Am I supposed to be more disciplined? Am I being lazy? Or am I just enjoying this time of leisure before things really get going.

I remember the psychic Made Luna in Bali told me that this year I will have time to myself, to travel. After this I will be very busy.

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I wish I can record every encounter I have with P2. It’s all been very magical, more than ever now ever since he’s been obsessed with Cutie. The way he spends time with her, immortalizes her, has dreams of her, and can feel her aliveness..it makes me already magical existence feel even more magical when there’s someone who can see what I see, which most people can’t see.

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And there’s Cutie, I barely tell you what goes on between me and her daily. How much time I spend gazing into her eyes. How I communicate with her. Or how she communicates with me. How I try to take her everywhere, how she’s such an important character in my life. What she means to me. How I’m absolutely certain she’s more than a stuffed panda. I haven’t even begun.

It’s all about Cutie.

That’s what I’ve been saying for years, not really knowing what that even means. I feel like it’s my wiser self trying to communicate a future a-ha when I say that.

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I don’t tell you about P, and what’s going on with him. And us.

I mean that’s a whole story in itself.

I pulled out my stack of books on soulmates from the library the other night. The more I read about soulmates and twin flames, the more it affirms that P is my soulmate/twin flame.

Our story, our journey is so epic.

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And then there are the days. Each one, even today, feels so full and eventful.

There’s the outer world. And then there’s the inner world. To share from one part is just half the story.

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There’s just so much, even in the non-creative and non-reflective moments. I don’t even know what to do.

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And then there are all the books I want to read, and all the films I want to see, and all the classes I want to take, all the things I want to learn.

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And then when I close my eyes and supposedly do nothing but meditate, I’m going into these deeper dimensions that blows my mind away, until there is no mind and just this crazy oneness.

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And there’s some part of me that knows that the creative challenge to try to capture this to share it with you will be my art.

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I’m back to my high school self. The one who didn’t want to go out because going out meant time away from learning and studying, productive time. Even though it doesn’t look I’m being producive (resting is productive), I’m guarding my time more vigilantly.

I’m just really guarding my energy.

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Even since I got into meditation, I’ve been super sensitive to energy.

Mine especially. I feel it more deeply. And I can feel others. And I can feel its chemistry, how my energy shifts from person to person place to place.

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And then there’s the intuition that’s gotten so strong, I don’t even have to think anymore, I just feel. I can feel what I have to do, from moment to moment.

Maybe that’s why I like unstructuredness so much now, and why I try not to make plans until I can feel it. And that feeling has a wisdom and timing of its own. It’ll come to me when it does. I can’t control it. All I can do is flow with it.

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This is all very stream of consciousness and I’m getting just a little self conscious about it. How this writing sounds so.. I dunno..

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Anyways, about today..

 

I woke up around 7am, early for me, and knew I ought to meditate. I grabbed the new hour glass I got yesterday and brought it down into the chill room, or the pink room, or should I call it the zen den now that I’m creating a ritual to meditate in it.

I sat and meditate, then I laid on the slant board until the hour was up.

Then I went upstairs. The basil seeds I put in a glass of mineral water last night has expanded into a glass full of jelly. What should I make with this?

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I made a tea from the herbal formula J made me.

A2 sent me a pencil draft of her doodle of P. I like how she mapped out the thoughts and speech bubbles. I like how this doodle feels less stick figurey and even more dynamic than all her other doodles. She really captured little me and P.

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I thought of the last speech bubble to fill in the space. I text it to her.

“Trust me, it’s better when I pay for it”

P likes to say that often. He’s talking to and about his sexworker lady friends. It’s funny how he loves to pay for it. I guess it gives him more control over the relationship, and the money is an emotional condom..

Anyways, it’ goes perfectly under “Do you take American Express?”

The thought bubble you can’t see above reads, I wonder if I can vape when I fly to the moon?

Hmm.. I wonder if I should go to Cabo or tokyo tomorrow?

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I wonder if G is gonna be in the mood to go clean the studio bunker as we had planned. Just as I was texting her how she felt, she texted asking what time was I planning on arriving. Her and slave M are goona session for 3 hours and then he has to take off at 3:30. I  said 10 or 10:30ish. She says 10:30 is good. I text P2 to meet us at the studio at 10:30. Alright. I guess it’s happening. We’ve been putting this off for half a decade now. It never feels like a good time to declutter our bunker and closets. Especially when it’s a beautiful sunny Sunday.

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I read from Soulmates and then I wash my face and leave the house at 10:24am. Something told me I can afford to move slowly.

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When I was near the studio at 10:44, I text G that I’ll be there soon. She responds that her and slave M are heading out soon. I knew it.

When I parked the car ang got out, P2 was there walking up to me, he was taking out the trash. He was the only one who arrived on time at 10:30.

I asked how his time with Cutie was. He said it was great. They went to the bird sanctuary three times.

He had 2 interesting things happen.

On Friday, after work, he had picked up Cutie and was tired from work and didn’t really have the energy to go to the bird sanctuary, he can tell that Cutie really wanted to go. So after he showered he had the energy to, and he said he swore he can see her expression shift. From sad to happy. It’s not a projection as much as it was a hallucination almost.

And then last night when he was laying in bed, and with Cutie, he felt a pressure on his third eye that he’s never felt before.

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He now has a new theory as to why every time he spends time with Cutie, he feels drained when waking up. It’s not that she’s sucking the life out of him to invigorate her own, but that she’s a little shamanatrix herself. And she’s doing healing work on him  while he sleeps, which takes all the energy out of him.

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He gives me another picture of Cutie and quote for me. In the moment he was pulling the photo out of his bag, I think about our ritual, how it’s been 8 years now that we’ve known each other and he always has been giving me a picture/photo he print out, when we used to session regularly he would always give me a handmade envelope of pictures that he collected and curated from the internet and put together in some theme. In the beginning, it was kink related, and then it evolved into literature, art, film, and now Cutie and quotes that connec to the photo of Cutie.

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It was Cutie in beautifully gnarled tree that was in full bloom of pink white flowers. Its been a theme in the past photos, Cutie in a lush mandala.

And I would always ask where was this taken?

Oftentimes it was at the Lake Merrit park, which is right next to where he lives.

I like how ever since Cutie has been with him, he’s been to the park more.

He’s been to the park with Cutie now more than in all the times he’s been there without her in the 29 years he’s lived there.

I like how Cutie is bringing P2 to nature.

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Then one of our renters arrived for her session. She’s all done up in makeup and there’s me in my roll out of bed look. She has a slightly nervous, proper and deferential quailty to her. Maybe my reputation (maybe it’s the bday parties I throw or my branding) precedes me as I feel like a lot of the younger dommes look to me as though I’m someone to look up to. Maybe it is because I am an older domme now. And like her I was a Gates alum, that all the new girls know and talk about. I only know that because my friend/former client who still frequents The Gates tells me that when he mentions he knows me they would say they know me too. Oh yeah, we know Colette..

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Anyways..

I show P2 how to keep the bathroom and kitchen maintained. Refilling the mouthwash glass dispenser, and the qtips and disposable combs. I tell him to go pick up a new shower liner when he goes to pick up toilet paper next..

Then G arrives with slave M. I swear she getting skinnier and skinnier every time I see her. Such a dramatic shift from the time when she was gaining weight on alcohol and sugar.

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G’s transformation is pretty noticeable, esp today. I knew her as the hoarder, the disorganized one, the one resistant to change.

And here she was Maria Kondo-ing everything in the bunker. And she moved quickly, methodically, and when in doubt she just tossed it out.

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I wish I had recorded our conversation in the bunker. It’s always hysterical. The way we talk dungeonomics.

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We got rid of the autoclave my slave R got for us and we never used. That thing was industrial and huge and we never knew how to work it.

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We got rid of the white dressers.

We got rid of the crucifix cross.

G was gonna have slave M disassemble it, I said it would be fine to just put it in the free pile of our building.

We laugh, everyone would know it’s from us, she said.

We decide to put it in the street.

And G would post it on Craigslist.

Free Crucifix. Still works!

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My god we have so much adult baby diapers. And saline bags (for her scrotal inflations).

 

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(I’m on Amazon now, I want to get these red Glo Fx glasses for P (for his birthday and A2 since she was looking for Blueblockers that fit her face…I kinda wanna get all the colors..and give them to all my friends.. CHROMATHERAPY is real..

Why didn’t I do this sooner?

This is probably why I dreamt about going to the Whitney// so I can stuble on these glasses there.

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Ordered 2 more red glasses and a pair of yellow ones fro creativity and cheerfulness, they’ll double as my driving sunglasses since I never wear sunglasses, but now I will.

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It’s almost 1am. All of a sudden a pack of coyotes outside are howling. I love it when that happens.

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I check agent provocatuer. Further reductions 60% off.

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I google nail bed.

 

Aww …what I have is called Onycholysis.

The condition when your nails are becoming detached from your nail bed.

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From arthritix to onycholysis.

It never stops.

This issn;t the first time I got onycholysis. The first time was very severe and also due  to gel manicures (that I did myself, bad idea).

This time it’s way more subtle, only I can notice..

But it still sucks.

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I think it’s interesting how I got my hair mineral anaylsis and kept on missing my consultations. If I had the consultation about it and learned that high barium isn’t life threatening or even that bad, I wouldn’t have freaked out as I did and went obsessive on detoxing, with spirulina, cholorella, cilnatro, etc..

I think the barium scare and detox kick was good for me..

And this arthritis motivated me to reach out to J the herbalist, who connected me to P the naturopath and now I’m getting my blood work done and I’ll finally know what’s up with my body..

Even this barium scare got me off gel manis and now I’m going to take care of my nails for good this time

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Gonna google spiritual meaning of coyote

Monday, June 24, 2019 10:34am

 

Dear U,

I woke up meditated, journaled, ordered the blue and baker miller pink glasses ( I can’t help myself), masturbated, and pulled the fancy Gene Keys book from my shelf. I have two copies, this one is the special one with Richard Rudd’s special message to me written in it.

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I put on my noice cancelling headphones to drown out the tree-cutting and listen to binaural beats. I masturbated, then read…

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I think there’s something to this codebook that might be related to pervette.

As in I think Pervette has the potential to be a codebook.

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It’s a long day in the city, Gonna meet up with X and Z in the mission. The former was a former pro domme the latter is a sub, both writers. I haven’t seen Z in years.  I haven’t had a one on one with X in over a year. It’s time. I see potential collaborations.

Then to N’s place, which he calls Starship for a special private screening of The Twelve. There will be a plant-based dinner before and Q&A after the filmmaker.

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Wednesday, June 26, 2019 7:40pm

Dear U,

I know. Pervette has been down. For 2 days now.

I received the emil from my friend M when I was in New York that his account which is hosting my site and his is overdue and that we should talk.

I said I would be free later in the week when I got back from NY. But then I forgot to reach out.

And now the site is down. And I can’t seem to get a hold of him. My Whatsapp messsages to him aren’t even getting delivered. He lives in Berlin but travels all the time. He might be off the grid.

I called up the WP Engine, hosting site. The support persone was very empathetic and supportive although there wasn’t much he can do since the account was in M’s name. I can’t even pay the outstanding balance 1300 to get the site back up. My name was nowhere in the account.

Sigh.

I opened up the Amazon box that was just delivered.

Flow Water

The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer

and Aqua tinted therapy glasses which supposedly promotes purity and relaxation

Every item I ordered yesterday feels like a message to my present self to relax, surrender and flow.

I put on the awkward aqua glasses and went to the library to look for The Art of War.

That book came to me as a download in my hour long meditation this morning. Read it.

I found the book, it was where I thought it would be. (Funny how I have a vague sense of where every one of my thousand+ books are even though they shift from place to place).

It’s actually called the War of Art.

I went outside with Cutie, and grounded myself in the grass with the sun on my back and I read the whole book. Even as it was getting cold and I wanted to move inside when I was three quarters the way through. I committed myself. For the first time in a long time to finish what I started and not get distracted. Which has been the theme of my life since high school.

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The book was a good kick in the butt.

It talked about Resistance. How it’s a force that’s pulling me from doing the work that really matters. Pervette.

The more meaningful and important this work is to me, the more resistance I will face. That’s all true.

Resistance will rationalize. It has.

I’ve been saying that I’m waiting for diving timing.

I can’t tell, if all these years of not pushing harder and faster was the right move. Am I moving at the right pace? Or am I going to slow? I guess  it doesn’t matter at this point.

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I think it’s strange how I was so fired up after my meeting with Z Monday and the launch of our new collaboration. I woke up Tuesday ready to create a new page and fill it up with all our thoughts and letters. And then Pervette was down.

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My mind wanted to go fast. My body wanted to go slow. I’m at odds with myself.

I was in a deep meditation only to be interrupted 3 times. 2 knonks on the door. The arborists next door wanted entry to my yard.  Fedex delivering my Agent Provocatuer babydoll and P’s refund check fro 50K from Tesla (he decided to rescind his Tesla roadster pre-order, which was placed last last Nomvember when bitcoin was on a tear).

Then my mom sending me pics and talking about her current crochet flowers she made with the flower looms I got her. How she didn’t think it was that pretty because she didn’t have the right yarn. I wasn’t present for her. I was too busy closing months old tabs on my browser.

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I pulled out my Olivetti typewriter and started typing a letter to Z to jumpstart our project, I started over seceral times only to put back the original letter I wrote and continued on.. as I neared the end, the space bar kept on getting stuck and my words got all smushed.

Even my writing alterantive to pervette, the typewrite failed me.

The space bar that didn’t give me space, it’s too ironic.

In spite of my best intentions I couldn’t be present after the interuptions. Then I read K’s feedback of the Domme Bootcamp, she absilutely loved it and of the many seminars and workshops she’s been to, this is one of the best. In response to what didn’t woek for her was SUnday afternoon’s session which seem loosey goosey to her. That was my session with A2. I somehow took it to heart. Took it personally. She also said she didn’t feel sexy in the photoshoot and she didn’t like her photos. That brought  me down too. I’m not very good critical feedback, it seems. A seemingly meditative hopeful morning got derailed by a string of things, pervette down, knocks on the the door and on my ego, not to mention the sound of trees getting cut down right outside my backyard. It was too much for my fragile self.

It was already past mid afternoon, what have i done with my day? Nothing to show.

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Then a baby bird flew in the house, from the breakfast nook to the moonroom and landed on the side skylight, trying to fly through the window. I tried several times to pick it up to let it out, but it flailed its wings and scared me.

It was a stubborn bird, not looking or flying anywhere other than in front of it to find its way out. It saw the birds outside and wanted to join them. It chirped and its most was open, as if it was trying to say help!

I decided to to brave up and grab hold of it, and when I did, it didn’t try to escape my grip, it was so light and delicate, and still. I set it down on the terracotta tiles of the deck outside the moon room. It just sat there for a while, so long that I thought maybe it’s so young it doesn’t even know how to fly. But then it eventually flew into the nearby bush asn was off.

I thought maybe I absorbed its scared and anxious energy when I handled energy. Because I felt that way for a little while.

I feel aimless and slightly hopeless.

Somehow I was in the right disposition to talk to P. He was very supportive. He says if I ever want to quit he’s in full support of that. It’ a running joke, he alwys says that and to some degree I think he means it, since in a way, he did give up his postion as CEO and is now a full time stone/baller/chiller.

Just the day before I didn’t think I wanted him to come up on Friday this week, just so I had more time to myself or time to be a guide for my sub’s journey. But as we talked, I realized that coming up was right and I could look forward to it. (Funny how I haven’t seen him in almost 3 weeks and yet  I have no strong desire to see him. I don’t really miss anybody when they’re not here, except for Cutie).

He got on to JetSuite to start booking the flights as we talked. Wow, you’re so on it, I said. He says it’s funny because he’s usually not. Which is true, as it felt like he’s been doing nothing but smoking, pinging and seeing Seeking Arrangement chicks, and playing video games.

For a change it felt like he was the less lost one in the relationship. I think it was good to have a role reversal, esp after these past two weeks of me doing a lot in NY while he was chilling really hard.

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The blue, red, yellow and rose colored therapy glasses arrived yesterday. I tried the yellow and baker miller (rose) ones on to cheer me up. It kinda worked. Along with Thic Nhat Hanh’s Peace is in Every Breath ( I saw that book at McNaally bookstore in NY and opened it up and knew I needed to get it)

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Then I made a salad, ate it mindfully, went for a sunet walk, and read my new book on the biomat. It relaxed me, his words.

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Then I made a donation to La Ciel Foundation for 44 pounds.

Then  I paid 20 for 4 tokens to listen to Rob Brezhny’s 2nd half of 2019 horoscope for Aquarius:

It’s time to

1) Build my network and community to support people whose work parallels mine.

2) Express my uniqueness

The two will be synnergistic.

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Then L, the tantrika from the domme bootcamp reached out, she’s in town from NY and invitedme to be a guest in her class tomorrow, or we can also get coffee together.

I heeded Rob’s advice and said I’ll see if I can make it tomorrow night and I would love to have coffee in the afternoon. (My prior wouldn’t have been open to coffee in my current state of feeling like time is slipping away).

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Then I started filling in the gaps of my 2019 prohect planner, (funny how I use it to record my past days rather than planning for the future). I filled in what I did for the past 2 weeks and everything I ate in NY. SOmehow my body was twitiching into relaxation as I wrote it out. As though i was holding tension trying not to forget until it was recorded somewhere.

I stopped recording at 1:17am, and mediatedo nthe biomat until I fell asleep and work up at 5:30 as the dun was rising. I went downstaits to bed to sleep until 9am.

I woke up and meditated for an hour with Cutie and the new hourglass in the pink chill room/zen den.

I went somewhat deep.

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I got up. S confirmed the site is down because the hosting site’s payment is overdue.

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I try to relax by reading Peace is in Every Breath.

And by masturbating with my blanket. I cam hard, severa times..

I went to Lafaayette to get my blood drawn. P Facetimes me as I was looking for the blooddrawing office.

He was vaping and doing a happy dance. Bitcoin is up to 14K.

He says he wants to extend the trip and got to alps in Italy after Lisbon.

I said I’ll call him back as I think I got the wrong address to the lab.

I didn’t. The dentist receptionsit pointed me further down..

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Blood drawn. back home, talk to P.

Masturbated more. Then I read the War of Art.

Finished it.

I gahered quite a few nuggets and some actionable items.

I realize I haven’t created any space and order to create. Nor have I lit a candle at Guanyin’s altar and said a proper prayer since I’ve been back.

Why haven’t if cleaned up tany of my muppet messes since I’ve been back?

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I fianlly did the laundry ( I ran out of shirts to wear), I tidied up the round table and moon room table, my two current writing spots.

I lit a candle and said a prayer to Guanyin.

And now here I am, writing to you.

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I realize when I don’t write to you. I go through my days talking to you in my head. As if these words needed to come out, these moments needed to be shared, in order for me to make sense of it.

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Writing about the stubborn bird who wanted to fly though the glass made me realize it’s a metaphor for me.

Hold still, look around, don’t get so focused and blindsided. Is there another way to approach Pervette.

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Since yesterday, I had this thought, if I lost all of Pervette and what I created, I wouldn’t be devastated. I’d be okay. Yeah it’s a hundred plus pages of content. I can start over from nothing. Becuase what I’ve been really working on these past 2 and a half years on the live site is just my writing and communication muscle. And that practice can’t be undone.

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Even though the site can very well disappear of I don’t get a hold of M to pay the bill by July 7th.

I think the uinverse has something planned for me.

Even in losing and missing Pervette.

i think it’s all happening for a reason. Even this uncomfortable feeling of “What the fuck am I doing? Or not doing?”

It’s pushing me through. I’m facing an obstacle.

What’s holding me back form going full speed ahead?

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Is it just the resistance The War of Art is alluding to?

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In my dream last night, I got the message that Pervette will be ready by 2020.

Is this just prep mode? My preparing myself for full speed ahead?

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I wrote to Pervette on my Underwood typewrite today.

No stuck space bar.

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Maybe the  upside to the down site is that I’m finally using my typewriters.

And that I’m goign through these emotions and resistance so I can finally get my shit together.

Mssybe I have to be confronted with the idea that it can all go away. Everything I did. ANd if so how do I want to start again.

What I will miss most are my journaling pages to you. All those memories..

I can’t explain why it feels so good to record everything. Maybe I can. Because I can see it all connecting and leading to a reason, to an a-ha, just up ahead..

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It’s a strange feeling to be disconnected from Pervette. The life force inside me feels weak. My purpose feels deflated. I had a relationship with Pervette. As I did with you, in writing to you.

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To be disconnected and not know when we’ll reconnect if ever or if I have to start over. It’s s strange somber feeling. But the anxiey is not there right now as it was earlier today when I was trying all avenues to reach M.

I even lked 50 of his photos on Instagram and reached out to GF whom I haven’t met and like a tonf o her photos, in hopes rthat they will see this strange uptick and my cry for help.

He’s such a party animal, I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t hear from him for days. But time here is of the essence.

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I shouldn’t worry.

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I should be grateful, that I don’t have arthritis anymore and that my nails aren’t getting detached from its nail bed as of today.

My health is good. Life is pretty incredible.

Except for the fact that Pervette is gone, for the time being. And I have no idea what part of my journal was backed up so possibly I lost some recent memories and recordings..

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I can’t explain why I have no appetite. For the past few days sicne I’ve been back, I have no craving or desire to eat really.

I also have no desire to go outside, even for a walk. I have to really motivate to try to go for a walk, even then, I try to make it as short as possible.

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Other than  my socail day in the Monday, it’s been a whole lot of doing nothing. I could argue that meditating, masturbating, and reading is something..

I need to find a way to work these thoughts, these feelings into the main paths of pervette. This current journaling rabbithole feels so trivial of a hole.

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According to Rob Breznhy’s horoscope for this week, I’mnot going anywhere fast, don’t get ahead of myself, it’s taking care of the little things and the little people behind the scenes, I will be at peace with  the special rate that I’m going, I won’t compare myself to others, and things will unfold according to the blueprint that was embedded in my genes.

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Good to hear, since I have been comparing myself to my friends and peers, who in the past 3-4 years, while I have been silent on social media, thry have grown their following monumentally. I wonder, have i been lazy? Have I been resistant? Or was this part of my process? To let go and focus on what matters to me, this internal work.

I think I just answered my own question.

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It’s been a year now since I started writing to you.

The bird that flew in reminded me of the bird that used to peck at the window for 3 months straight. It stopped one day after She left. At the same time the treecutters came.

It feels like a palindrome. The treecutters are back, the bird came back. And thoughts of Her creep back. Do I need to make amends? Should I reach out?

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Where is M? Based on his social media profile he might stillb e rtavelign the world with his young Russian doll gf. Maybe they’re somewhere off the grid, on a plane? In Berghain, where phones aren’t allowed. Maybe they over did it on their party drugs and is passed out. I hope they’re alive. I’m sure they are. Funny how our minds go there sometimes..

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What I put inside me today: acv, special tea, tincture water, celery cilantro lemon juice I made with bee pollen and shredded coconut, chocolate collagen protein dandy blend hot drink I made with all the fixings, a very yummy brocolinni carrot shiitake cilantro stirfry with fried egg.

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The London/Lisbon trip is shaping up to be a fun one with all our friends there with us..

I ahve no desire to go to Italy after Lisbon at this point, but if I can maintain some disciplined structure working on Pervette, maybe..

I like how it’s always a question mark with our travels, me and P.

Themes: Getting obsessive, can’t stop ordering color therapy glasses, toxic-free nail strengthening nail polishes, Thich Nhat Hanh books, friends reaching out of the blue, basil seed pudding, shredded coconutand bee pollen in my fbasil pudding and onmy freshly pressed celery cilantro juices, taking my special formula tea (consistently); no appetite, no desire to go outside, no desire to ocd clean, feeling the shakti/desire to meditate spontaneously, going slow, bitcoin on the rise, buying all the yarn and knitting and crocheting supplies for mom to create, us talking more almost daily about her creations,

Thursday, June 27, 2019

It’s a new day. Of course the first thing I did after my morning pages was check my phone…

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M replied. He said he was out cold yesterday.

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We finally got to talk. Funny how I imagined he was with his gf, traveling, clubbing or doing something that carried him away from his phone. But what really happened was that they broke up, he was majorly depressed and had a hard time keeping up with life. Hosting bills weren’t paid and so my and his websites were down.

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Backstory: Two years ago, right after the crazy storm in our home (literal and metaphorical) it was M who told me to come out to Berlin and there I’ll find my web designer for pervette. So I came out to Berlin and sure enough, through synchronicities, I dound my designer S. It was S and M who helped with building out the structure of Pervette. M helped with the hosting.

I guess I helped out M as well As he had just moned out to Berlin and was trying to secure residency in Germany. So even thought I hired S, it was M who put her on his payroll to make it look like he had a legit business in Berlin.

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Anyways, I listened to his tragic story. How he cheated on young Russian gf and told her, she broke up with him but then a month later. She flew in Russia to have a good time with him. They hooked up, went to shitty clubs, did shitty drugs and she hooked up with some guy  and showed him pictures of them fucking, jus tto get back at him.

How old is she, I asked.

23, he replied.

Oh, M. She’s so young.

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The last girl he dated was also a punk and stole his fancy Leica camera from him.

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He’s seeing a therapist, trying to collect himself.

I listened.

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The last time i talked to him he was trying to put on a giant music festival. I aske dhow that went.  He did it. But it was ridiculous. He spent 35K on an event where 500 showed up.

Basically, I spent a fuck ton of money on a show that we could’ve thrown at Lobot, he said.

Lobot was this industrial warehouse space in West Oakland where a bunch of punk aritsts lived and would throw some pretty amazing shows/parties back when it was still around circa 2005-2009.

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Whenever we talk, M always seems to bring up how we were such punks when we were in our mid 20’s, but we were punks who had our shit together.

It’s true, at the time I was a grad student and M was making quite a bit doing coding/design or something or another for Verizon or some wireless company. He had even bought a house, where he had all his friends live and they would make music together.

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He then got on the hosting wesbite and started a chat thread with tech support.

He asks what I want to do, keep pur websites combined in his account or make it seperate.

Seperate, I said.

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It’s a process to get our websites on  to seperate accounts.

It required me (or S, my web designer) to download the zip file of my latest backup of Pervette and then transferring/upoloading it into the new account.

It was kinda weird and scary that all of Pervette was just in this zip file. I was mildly concerned that if something were to happen and that zip file was lost, all of Pervette would be gone.

I had S on it, she creaated a new account for me and started the transfer. It’s a big file so it’ll take hours for all of the pervette drive to uploaded/get transferred.

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SInce I was quick to get on the phone with M in the morning, I skippe dmy hour long meditation. I noticed that my appetite was back and voracious. Must be some connection with meditation and less eating.

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I did the dishes, I talked to mom. We talk about her croceting all the time now. She says she’s ready to make some clothes for Cutie. She’s going off of the Youtube videos for baby slippers and hats. My mom says she just has to make them smaller for Cutie.

I kinda love how my mom is croceting baby clothes for Cutie. She really has come to fully accept Cutie as my baby.

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My mom tells me how much she used to love staring at all the colors the yarn store had when she was 5 and poor. She was also enamored by her rich friend’s yarn collection. They were so poor my mom didn’t even dare ask her mom to buy any yarn.

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I get on knitpicks.com and order the full crochet hook set for mom as well as 2 balls of Cotton Candy pink yarn and then I checkout..

My mom wanted some yellow, lilac and white yarn as well. I told her I was alrady at the checkout page, if I were to go back I would have to fill in all my info again. She sounded a little sad, so I went back and got her all the colors she wanted, refilled all the billing and shipping info, and then placed order.

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I feel the roles are rerversed. I’m the mom to my mom’s 5 year old self. I’mgiving ehr everything she always wanted, all the yarn, all the thread, all the colors, all the beautiful japanesey crochet hooks. Whatever she wants and needs in order to create, she gets. I just want to indulge her creativity..

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Around 4:30, P3 come sover to ppick Cutie up, he just got off work and is still in his house painting clothes. He says he has to hurry back home to shower, get changed, eat something and then head to PFA. It seem like a long trek to Oakland and back while the PFA was just down the hill from me. And some part of me wanted to cook dinner for both both me and P2 so I told him he can shower here. He doesn’t have a change of clothes he said. So I gave him a pair of my black drop crotch woke pants  I have 30 of them, it’s part of my uniform), and one of P’s Calvin Klein black shirts that he wears at home. P’s black tennis shoes and a sports jacket. It was fun/ny to see P2 in P and my clothes, all in black. I like that he was open to wearing clothes that was totally not his style.

I made us a brocollini, carrot, chard, shiitake, cilantro stirfry with fried egg

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Then he took with Cutie. The plan was he’ll bring her back tomorrow at noon so we can celebrate her birthday together.

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I took off for the dungeon. It was a double session. I brought in L, who was open to receiving oral from my sub, since it’s been a fantasy of his forver to pleasure women.

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How do I taste? she asks J.

Salty, he said.

Jesus. You’re supposed to say sweet and amazing, I tell him.

L and I are both flabberghasted by his asberger’s honesty.

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Friday, June 28, 2019

It’s Cutie’s B-day!

P2 arrives at 12:30pm with Cutie. They visited the bird sanctuary right before.

He came with presents for Cutie. Three. There were wrapped in the cutest tissue paper.

We sat her down on the table. Funny thing was she did have this look on her house like she’s elated to be finally celebrating her birthday.

This was a first.

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It was P2’s idea to figure out her bday and celebrate it a few months ago.

I felt into it several times.

I knew I got her at the bowling alley in the summer.

So it was a summer month.

I felt into the shape and the color of the numbers.

6-28-89

6 is a pink number.

9 is a black number.

8 is a brown/black number.

2  is yellow.

(I have synesthesia btw, I see numbers in colors)

All the numbers are round in shape, like her.

It was either 88 or 89 when I got her, 89 felt right.

28 felt nice and fluffy round.

Anyways, I’m almost 89% certain this was the day I won her in the claw machine.

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We couldn’t stop taking pictures of Cutie and her presents..

 

I opened her presents for her.

P2 got her a necklace, it was a locket, with a separate bird charm dangling at its top. When I opened the locket for her, there was a picture of P2’s face on the left hand side and mine on the right hand side. P2 said he felt it would be nice to have Cutie’s two best friends in the locket.

(come to think of it, I feel bad as I’m writing this from OAK airport, I should’ve brought Cutie’s new necklace with her, instead I left it on the round table next to her bday card).

I opened her next present, it was a poetry book by Roethke. He writes about birds a lot, P2 says, and Cutie loves birds.

I opened up the book randlomy and read a passage, sure enough there mention of a bird in it.

He made a Cutie bday card with a photo of her on the front. It was in a pink watercolor marbled envelope that I got for him when I was in Tokyo.

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What’s your take on the Dalai Lama? Ps asks.

I can’t he believe he said that again…

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I had P2 help me tidy the house for P’s arrival.

I texted P, can I get an ETA?

He sends me an animoji, making fun of me, Oh shit! P mupps is coming home! Quick, time to clean up my mupp mess!”

ETA 3:30

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I had P2 sweep and fold P’s laundry. At 3:26, I quickly released him.

Quick, P, you gotta go!, I said, half joking half servious.

He didn’t get to foldignt he The way he was rushed made him feel like he was an illicit lover.

 

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Friday,

3 minutes after P2 left, I thought I saw P at the front door. When I opened the door, there was no one. Then I realized he snuck to the side, and entered the moon room door.

Hey! What’s going on? I asked out loud, I’m preparing myself to get startled by him. I sunup the foyer stairs, he comes up out from the side..

Hey! I shouted.

He laughs. Heyyyyy! I says as we hold each other.

I like our child selves just saw each other and started playing.

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P arrived just as the west side of the house, where the moon room is, is in its full bright afternoon glory, he looks to his left and right, and surveys this giant home he owns but rarely/barely lives in.

This house thing is so weird, he says with a funny smile. It’s like I made a real estate investment and I got to house my mistress.

Yeah, basically, I said after thinking about it for a sec. It is kinda crazy that this is the case. .

P pulls out f his backpack a pack of almonds and a chocolate chip cookie he got today while he was in the city and 3 ziplock bags, each had 6 or 7 unmarked cannabis vape cartridges.

This is for Europe, he says, I’m basically not coming back until I finish all of it.

He says he has vague plans of continuing eastward after Italy.

I tell him I’m probably leaning going back home after Lisbon. Even though it would be nice to go to Italy together since we’ve never been together, but we’ll have future opportunities to. He agrees.

Do you want your bday present? I ask P.

P smiles, Do you want to give me my bday present?

Uh yesss..

He didn’t realize I had it behind my back. Then tah-dee!

Oh what? P recognizes it’s an A2 doodle.

He looks at all the thought and speech bubbles. Yep, it was very him.

I like how in the picture, I’m handing him a grain free chocolate chip cookie and in real life, he currently has a chocolate chip cookie and I have a packet of Urban Remedy grain-free “No Oatmeal” cookies that I just offered.

. Today is Cutie’s bday! I tell P and hold up Cutie to him to show him her new locket necklace that P2 got her.

He peers closer to see what’s inside the locket.

It’a picture of two of Cutie’s best friends.

P lets out a laugh.

Hey! I think you just spat in my face!

My god, you are so weird.

. The way we hung out in the moon room in the afternoon light, (laying in the Lignet Rosset sofa that we both picked out together in Tokyo 5 years ago for his Tokyo pad and then shipped to MuppHQ after the Tokyo chapter ended) it broguht me back to the chapter when P was here in the Bay Area, and there was a brief period of time when he did live at MuppHQ.

We talked about tossing the frisbee on campus like old times before meeting his brother at Gather for our 6:15 reservation.

But then P got tired, I talked about going to the post office to pick up a package that needs to get signed for, it was my crystal cage mask.

But then I got tired and we both went downstairs and napped for 30 minutes or so.

We got up at the same time, back to the moon room. P was vaping. And something told me I should vape too. The last time I got high was when I was in LA with P the weekend before I left for NY. It’s been over 3 weeks.

It’ll feel like old times, to get high with P again. Something about the nostalgia of being at MuppHQ together in that yellow afternoon light. I felt all the feels of every memory of being there doing that, getting high and laughing being like kids.

I’m gonna take just one hit. I tell P. I took a long deep belly breath hit. And as I was letting it out, I cough on it and boy did it hurt.

Whoa, chief! That was a big hit.

I continue to cough. He hands me a water. And it feels like old times except I’m a lightweight now.

. . On the ride down the hill, it hits me.

I’ve been struggling internally with this thought that I’ve been lazy on social media these past 4 years. While my close friends, I and L, have been working at it, posting almost every day, building a following, blowing up on social media, I’ve been dropping it like it was old hat.

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Back to my previous week