Sunday, June 9, 2019

From what I can remember..

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It’s the day I do my two sessions with the women at Breakup Bootcamp.

I woke up calm. I didn’t do my usual over-prepping the night before. I figure I try something new this time. Which was to under prepare and see how that goes..

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As always, every time I do it, it’s a little different, I keep on adding something. this time I’m adding a lot of new content. Some carried over from my downloads I received for the Domme Bootcamp.

 

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I did it. I delivered.

They cried, they laughed.

Some were resistant, one was about to walk out on one of my ” surprise exercises” but surrendered, and were happy that they did.

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I felt different doing it this time, even more calm than the last. The nerves are almost gone.

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The women came up to me afterwards, wanting to chat more. The things I said brought things up for them, they’re reconsidering their ideas and beliefs about relationships, how it ought to be.

A lot of them realized they were living in their projected fantasy..

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A2 said that was my best session yet.

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I did 4 consultations with the woman. Which is mostly deep listening, then offering advice on how to get unstuck or out of their bondage.

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One can’t stop thinking about her emotionally abusive jealous ex. She feels like a caged animal afraid to come out even though her abuser is gone and the door is wide open.

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Many feel like they’re “late”in the sex game. They lost their virginity “too late,” haven’t had much experience with pleasuring themselves, they’ve faked so many orgasms they don’t know how to have one themselves.

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Many struggle with their bodies..

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I did two sessions. One solo, second with A2.

Us and our swivel barstools up front. We swivel with our backs to them and whisper our next thing to say/do, that’s our “office hours”

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Dinner was yummy salmon and veggies, and E’s magic crack cake.

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Monday, June 10, 2019

Last day of Breakup Bootcamp.

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The women we parted. A2 and I head to Kerhonksen to see the Bone Setter.

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As we arrived at their sanctuary, it started to rain.

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The painful death rattle rite of passage session I had with the bone setter..

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The bone setter is actually a superhuman..

He was struck by lightning 6 (or 7?) times.

He accidentally dosed himself with a several hundred doses of Kambo frog medicine

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He says he knew that I was a dominatrix.

I asked how.

He said it was the way I gave him access.

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I did strip down completely for the session.

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When A2 went, she went from screaming to melodic singing to make the pain more bearable..

 

Stranded at the sanctuary

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How many rides does it take to get A2 and I to where we want to go?

5..

 

 

What I spent money on:

$100 for a Lyft ride from Hudson to Kerhonkson to see the Awak Bone Setter Healer at their home, which happened to be a magical sanctuary

$225 for the most painful session I’ve ever had on a massage table, where I let out a death rattle for a good 20 minutes

$60 on tinctures at the Healer’s sanctuary: cilantro, metex, and something for my tendons (i.e.i arthritis issue)

$18 on a lithium stone (which was the first time I’ve come across one, all the mines are becoming extinct)

$100 for the Yellow cab and Lyft ride that I split with A2 as we tried to make our way home

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What I put inside me: special herbal tea J made for me arthritis, orac green juice, banana, Bulletproof Mint Chip Collagen Protein bar that I got from Breakup Bootcamp and ate on the car ride to the Good Fight Herb shop, matcha balls that Chef E made and we got to take home the rest of the batch with us in a tupperware and on the ride to the Sanctuary in Kerhonkson I had one (or two?); (after my session with S the bone setter)nettles tea that T just got and I found in her tea drawer which she made me a pot of , some of the leftover quinoa kale slaw salad that chef E made for dinner on Sunday night, another matcha ball while we were trying to detangle T’s golden necklaces;

Tuesday, June 11, 2019 11:25pm

 

Dear U,

I’m in a very meditative state.

12:11pm

Dear U,

I just meditated and masturbated and meditated

since I last wrote to you.

Good call.

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I’m not in a rush to go out, walk about, and soak in the sun.

It’s another beautiful day here in NY.

Everyone’s telling me I lucked out with the weather.

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I feel compelled to stay in and start a ritual of getting some journalling/pervetting done before I go out.

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Funny how before being here, I was slightly dreading that I was gonna be in NY for 2 weeks. A week longer than I usually am here for. And a week more away from my Berkeley sanctuary.

But now that I’m here, almost a week into it, I’m so glad I’m staying a week longer.

It’s only today that I felt ready to reach out to my friends to let them know I’m in town.

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I’m making reservations..

ABC Kitchen for the Asian Domme Dinner

Gabriel Kreuther for dinner with me, C, T and C’s friend, a former Israeli CIA guy

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It’s 1:44pm. I just spent the last hour crafting and editing down an email to F, the woman I met at abcv last Friday, asking if she’s open to coffee or dosa to continue our conversation.

Funny how more time is needed to scale an email back, and chop any parts that sounds like it might be coming from my fantasy.

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My fantasy or vision is to connect and collaborate with her to help start a matriarchal revolution.

That’s all.

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There’s an art to sounding not needy..

It takes a lot of practice

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It’s almost 2pm. And I’ve been munching on coconut and walnuts.
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I’m gonna go back and recap Sat-Mon.
As always, A LOT has happened
Thursday, June 13, 2019 12:33am (technically Friday)
Dear U,
I woke up to the sound of the rain. Which was strange, because it’s been so sunny.
But in my dream the night before, it was raining in NY and I was happy about it because it made it easy for me to stay in and be productive.
C was at the gym swimming laps, he said he would be back before he head to work then the airport. I thought he might interrupt my hour meditation with the guru and group
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We have a Whatsapp group managed by J. He lets us know when Guruji is meditating and we can chime in if we plan to join the meditation with him and the group. J then tells G who’s meditating with him and somehow that makes our meditation for powerful.
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In my meditation, I was thinking about using Recup and Descript to journal to you. Instead of writing I can speak to you and have it transcribed, seems more efficient
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I gave it a try. I recorded some entries. It feels weird to speak it out.
I have yet to run it through Descript to transcribe it.
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 C texted, he went straight to work from the gym, he’ll  be back at 1 before he heads to the airport. Which was perfect, bc it allowed for me to have an uninterrupted meditation.
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I showered, washed the oils out of my hair.
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C came home at 1, we chatted, I notice he’s not very good with eye contact. The lawyer in him measures everything he says before he speaks.
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He’s happy that I’m doing my prezo with Penguin. He says if I only have 30 or so minutes I should definitely rehearse, practice and time it. Good advice.
He might be back on the 18th. He says it’s to attend the building homeowner’s meeting, but I have a feeling he just wants to come back and hang, even if it’s for a day.
He takes off.
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I reach out to M, J, and D. To let them know I’m in town. They all reply within the hour.
Slowly getting more social.
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The sun had come out.
I put on my Love Your Mother hoodie and Alo moto sweatpants and stepped out. For once, my outfit matched the weather appropritately.
I meet A2 at Forager since I haven’t eaten and in the mood for something green. I get some kale salad, pickled sliced carrots, and cauliflower rice, and a $15 bottle of freshly pressed green juice called The Chelsea. We catch up while I consume my greens. She just met with her agent. The holdup on the Netflix film is due to her lawyer wanting to make sure the writer doesn’t misrepresent her as murderer or something.
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We go to the Highline Hotel.
We pass and stop by 192 Books, A2 wanted to show it to me.
It’s small and has a very nice curation. From smaller publishers.
I’m a sucker for NY Book Review books.
A2 hurries us along. I didn’t get a book. I’ll be back..
I get the Blue Crane tea, and snag a nice spot outside in the corner.
A2 pulls out a Hu minty chip chocolate bar, we snack on it.
While I quickly ask D if she wants to join me tonight to catch Unzipped and a Q&A with Issac Mizrahi at  Film Forum since A5 has pink eye and can’t make it.
She wishes she can, but she has plans at 10.
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The purpose of our meeting was to go over our prezo for Penguin.
A2 pulls out her laptop, in 2 min of cutting and pasting, she says she has her part. She goes over it.
And then we think of a segue from her piece to mine.
And we start planning out my part.
Start with a question..
Who here has…
Eyes close.
My “Ted Talk”
Breakdown BDSM..
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Okay, I think we got it.
It took us 12 min.
Which is crazy, because in my mind I thought it would take a day even to figure it out.
But just like our DOmme bootcamp prep
Everything is so super quick and easy breezy.
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We walk back to her place. She makes me a Dandy Blend and busts out the rest of the matcha balls Chef E made.
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We take the call with S, the guy who’s organizing the insight immersion/our prezo for Penguin. We go over our plan. A2 goes over her part. He tells A2 to make hers less presenty/info-based and more interactive.
I describe to him my part. He likes my performative piece. He suggests less inspirational and more infortational.
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Less inspirational? I’ve never heard anyone suggest less inspirational, A2 says after we hung up.
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We finish the matcha balls..
A2 gives me some dandyblend to take home since my stash is running low..
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We part. I walk in the direction of downtown. I thought I was gonna go to ABC kitchen but when I got there, I didn’t feel like going in. It was 7:30ish, the magic hour. I wanted to stay out, keep on walking and eat somewhere sunny, not in a dark atmospheric place.
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So I walked through Union Square Park. Then through Washington Square Park. Towards WestBourne.
But then I found Springbone Kitchen. An organic paleo place.
I want to order and try everything. I narrow it down to the Lamb Ragu with zuchinni noodles.
I asked the clerk what’s her favorite bone broth. She says the Immunity with Golden Milk, it’s a secret off menu item. Which was crazy yummy, btw
I also grab a chocolate bar and housemade choco ball, and kombucha. All to go.
I got to eat my yummy paleo dinner at Washington Square Park. While watching kids roll down the hill, a baby run off diaperless as his mom smilingly chases him.
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Everyday I’ve been to a park.
And a book store..
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I finish my giant bowl of zuchinni noodles and cup of bone broth. Made it to Film Forum at 8:15. I came up to a few people to see if they were planning on seeing Unzipped and if they want an extra ticket. But mostly everyone alread bought their tickets in advance.
A tall maybe half black woman with headphones on was waiting in line. I offered her ticket.
How much? she asks.
Aww nothing. You can have it.
She was surprised. She’s not the friendly type so she wasn’t elated or even that grateful. And we went in to the theater, she took a seat somewhere in the middle. I went all the way to the front
That way I can be as close to Isaac Mizrahi as I can when he goes up for the Q&A.
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The doc was very entertaining since Mizrahi is such a funny character. I like how it was mostly in B&W.
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After the film ended , Isaac was standing next to me waiting for the credits to end to take his seat up front.
He looks older and a little heavier.
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In the Q&A, I seem to comment on how he’s gotten fatter several times. He says he doesn’t miss fashion at all.
He read a few excerpts from his memoir. And took a few questions.
Behind him, I saw a little mouse run from the corner to behind the curtain, twice.
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Unlike most Q&A book signings, I didn’t feel compelled this time to purchase a book and have him sign it, even though he told/encouraged us to buy it
You don’t have to read it, just buy it, he says.
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There’s something about him that wasn’t inspirational. The way he hated on everyone, from the “buyers” of fashion to Paris of today.
He’s very negative.
And there’s something very sad about him.
He seem self conscious.
Even though he wrote his memoir, it seem sad the way he has to promote it.
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I saw the women I gave the ticket to in the bathroom washing her hands as I was about to go in a stall. I didn’t feel like chatting with her, she seem unapproachable. I almost question if she was worthy of my free ticket/generosity. But oh well.
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It was drizzly when  I stepped out of the theatre.
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52 min walk home or 19 min train ride.
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I keep on going down the entrance to the Downtown train when I wanted uptown.
By the time I find the Uptown train entrance, I decide it was such a nice night, might as well walk.
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The walk felt amazing. My legs were so happy to walk the whole way home.
I passed by all the places I had walked through on Tuesday..
The Stonewall Monument..
West Village..
8th Ave.
It was so nice.
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When I came back I made some mint tea.
And went on GoDaddy and bought pervette.co
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I also added the link to this journal on the Hello page again.
I think my search results rankings went down to 2nd page bc I moved this link for back..
That’s my theory.
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Did I tell you I’m so glad I’m staying here for 2 weeks?
With all this time, I don’t have to see everyone in 3-4 days.
I’m spacing it out, and giving myself a tone of monk mode time.
I love wandering the streets all by myself.
I love seeing/being nobody.
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With 2 weeks here to take it slow..
I feel like NY is becoming my 3rd home.
LA 2nd.
Berkeley 1st.
In every city, I have a pretty amazing pad to land in.
I’m feeling very grateful.
I should go take a epsom salt bath and read and get ready for bed, it’s almost 2am
And yet I’m wide awake.
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I’m happy I had a solo night, walked around  in the somewhat quiet town in the drizzly rain.
I’m glad I skipped D’ gf’s bday party.
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Friday, June 14, 2019 1:07pm
Dear U,
It’s starting to feel like home here.
I have my dozen tinctures by my bedside table ( I got 8 tinctures in the past week + the ones I  brought with me from home, I’m crazy…about tinctures).
I sleep with my books and notebooks. I bought 5 books so far..
I brought 4 from home with me.
Yeah, I’m crazy.. about books.
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I mean I can’t stop buying things that are good for my body and mind.
That’s a good thing..
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I have a routine here now. I wake up, meditate with te group and guru remotely, fall back asleep, wake up, masturbate and wake up again. Then I feel into the day..
Today, I searched yarn shops for my mom and more plant-based restaurants. L reached out wanting to hang. I’m shuffling some afternoon plans around.
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It’s another beautiful day. I’m not rushing anymore to leave the apt.
My nail are very sensitive after all the buffing down. It feels like a little soak in water and my nails want to slowly come undone from them on the tops. I might need to go to healthy conscious nail salon to put a coat of toxic free polish on them to keep them from getting so thin and precarious.
I always have a body issue. Not gonna freak out too much..
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The speaker last night who chatted with Isaac Mizrahi dropped one of his pieces of paper that had a question on them for Isaac. I nonchalantly picked it up. The question was bout his dad and how he didn’t follow him in his footsteps, yet his dad got him scissors for his Bar Mitzvah, he must’ve known something..
I’m gonna use that scrap of paper to write out my talk for Penguin today when I’m out and about. Feels too heavy to carry a notebook.
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I’m really enjoying these solo urban walks. I can do this all day, everyday..
Saturday, June 15, 2019 5:07am
Dear U,
The sun is coming up and I’m still wide awake.
I see why they call this the city that never sleeps.
Don’t know what it is, but I’m going to bed later and later day by day.
I don’t seem to need that much sleep.
I’m just running on the energy of this town…
Alright, time to get into bed and try to fall asleep
Monday, June 17, 2019
I woke up and meditated with the guru/group remotely for an hour. I went deep into a trance and the words of the beginning of the talk came to me.
I wrote and said it out loud.
I was in a very deep meditative state.
I stayed in till 4pm then I went out to Pure Ktchn, a vegan spot uptown, that was pretty good. I think the green juice i got had too much apple, and I lost the meditative trance I was in.
I went to Whole Foods, to load up on alkaline spring water, oatmilk, crackers, chips, walnuts for the snacks at the rehearsal tonight. They didn’t have wine.
I got a cab back since I was carrying a ton of water.
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A2 arrived. She got the wine. Even though she didn’t really care, I felt bad when I realized she said my only job was to get the wine. I felt like I spaced out at Whole Foods and shoulda got more snacks. The Asian in me doesn’t want to have too little snacks.
I wanna order sushi to add to the spread, A2 says we’re good.
She spoke to a business coach today, with whom she’s going to sign on and thinks I should do it too. I think I will.
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Commitment is the theme that’s coming up for her.
Her business coach and her new guy she’s dating is bringing it up, which is new (and good) for her..
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When we did our talks just in front of each other, I got nervous. Maybe because it was just her, and it’s hard to pretend she’s a full audience. I was too in my head…
I paused several times, wanted it to end, but she would say, you’re good, keep going..
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Then B. I haven’t seen her since Bali.
She didn’t know why she was there other than to drop off a dress for A2.
We’re doing a rehearsal, A2 says. You can wash the strawberries.
I like how easy and casual we are with each other..
Banana is hungry.
Let’s order sushi and I whip out my phone and open up the caviar app.
Me and B ordered 3 platters od sushi. I thought 2 was good but she suggested a 3rd, I like her over-ordering.
As they chatted and prepare the snacks in the kitchen, I went over my talk in the room.
A2 brought strawberries and is coring out the tops and making a strawberry pyramid.
It’s all coming back full circle, she says.
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Inside joke, she scared away a guy she was crushing on years ago when he came over on the second date and she made a perfect strawberry pyramid.
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One by one, A2’s friends arrived and I buzzed them in.
J arrived. She’s the only friend that I invited over for the rehearsal.
Whenever everyone enters the apt, they’re blown away by the magnitude and openness of the space.
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A2 says I have this way of manifesting incredible spaces.

It’s the men in my lives..
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6 peeps for our rehearsal audience.
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We’re going in 10. A2 comes in to tell me.
Wait. Can we do 15?  I ask. I don’t feel ready..
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We went in 15.
I did it. I wasn’t channeling. I knew the words in some parts I improvised, but that charge wasn’t there.
They all said it was great. And gave A2 more feedback than me.
But I didn’t feel amazing about it.
Everyone said I seem fluid and great.
Maybe I’m hard on myself or maybe they’re just being nice.
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After everyone left, A2 and I reflected on how awesome all the people who showed up were. How I, the chief storyteller at so and so place, came all the way from some place out of town just to show up and support us.
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We did good on the snacks, tons of leftovers, I ate some sushi and put a few strawberries in a glass of white wine and ate them and drank the wine.
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We made a dandy blend drink with A2’s frother that she brought and the oat milk that I got.
We got chatting about getting “committed.” We know we’ve just beencruising, chilling pretty hard, it’s time to kick into high gear.
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I tell her solstice is this Friday. We can consider the first half of the year our chill half, everything after this Friday is full speed ahead.
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 I suggest we set goals and tasks weekly and hold each other accountable.
A2 started a goodle doc .
She asks me what do I want to accomplish in 3 years from now.
She wants tangibles.
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I thought about it. She typed as I said out loud.
I want Pervette to be a fully built out website and a space for people to get intimate in, learn about life and love and how to play and express themselves.
I want to make a living off of Pervette.
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I want to publish a book.
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I want to own my own property.
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I want to make art and love with all my heroes and heroines.
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We also wrote down our goals
By next Sunday..
I’m going to create the pages/rabbit-holes of my offerings on Pervette.
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A2 is going to flesh out her financial model.
I like how on the full moon, A2 and I were mapping out our visions of the future, setting goals, and holding each other accountable.
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After A2 left, I called P to let him know how the rehearsal went.
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He got back from his 24 hour whirlwind in Vegas. He got to the be the sugardaddy for this new sugar baby and her friends at some bacherlorette party.
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Bitcoin has been a tear, he says, he’s been looking at property for fun. He sends me a link of an 8 million house in Santa Monica. It was very sleek, modern and over the top luxurious.
He thinks that might attract a little mupp to come down there more often..
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After my chat with P, I called my mom. She sends me a pic of a strawberry she started crocheting.
This was the first thing she started crocheting from Youtube
(the flower bookmark she made before was from a pattern from a tank top she wore decades ago)
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It’s super cute, I tell her.

She’s not sure sure why she started with the strawberry but she’s glad she did.

She thinks these strawberries will make a better bookmark than the flower.
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Then I saw a text come through from a breakup bootcamp participant wishing the whatsapp a Happy Strawberry Full Moon.
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The (full circle) strawberry pyramid A2 made
The strawberry mom started randomly crocheting..
The strawberry full moon.
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Tuesday, June 18, 2019 11:36am
NYC
Dear U,
It’s the day before my presentation at Penguin. I should practice and figure out the key lines.
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I brought 4 books with me and bought 5 books here. I read a few lines of one book and that’s it.
I just like collecting and carrying books and making it harder for myself when I travel, I guess.
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I brought 4 tinctures and bought 8.
I’m kinda crazy..
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I think having my books, herbs, tinctures and supplements all around me makes me feel like I’m at home.
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I like how NY is becoming my 3rd home.
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I should be practicing my talk, so I got it down pact.
I should also meditate a ton so I can channel..
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2:24pm
I masturbated. And was reading the magazine I picked up a few weeks ago at Whole Foods, one the cover it reads
How to be a Fearless Speaker.
I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to take in new material on how to present just the day before
I also am changing up the beginning.
Why do I always do this? There’s always something new coming in. It’s slightly stressful to not feel certain what I’m going to actually do or say.
I just felt like last night’s rehearsal was okay, it lacked spark.
I can’t help but to modify until it feels right and has the pop/edge to it.
It feels like I’m almost slightly winging it.
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It’s a grey day like yesterday. Thank goodness, that makes it easier to stay inside.
I’m sweating profusely, like I was yesterday morning/afternoon..
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I feel kinda anxious…
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I need to slow down and meditate
And yet here I am googling best ted talks of all time, and studying the Jill Taylor’s body as she speaks..
and reading an article “How to Become and Authentic Speaker inmy magazine.
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I’ve done this before and killed it. But it was in the context of teaching to women who needed me.
Here it’s me presenting my work to a group of execs who are curious abouot what itit is that I/we do.
It makes me more self conscious…
I don’t like self conscious
It takes me out of where i want to be..
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4:23pm
I made reservations at Hangwai, this vegan Korean restaurant I wanted to try, for dinner with E tonight. He’s been texting/calling wanting to see me.
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Then just half hour ago, I decided to invite him over to the apt instead so I can go over my talk with him. And we can order take out at Divya’s Kitchen, an ayurvedic place I wanted to try.
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I changed my resy at Hangwai for tomorrow so I can go there with A2 her sister and I, A2’s new beau.
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As you can see, my whole trip is centered around food mostly.
And then this talk…
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I decided to pull out me external hard drive and watch the video that P3 took of me at the Domme Bootcamp.
I watched the bondage piece. I was so calm and poised..
And the words that rolled out was so fluid. How do I get there again?
I decided once, to change the beginning. This will be the 3rd beginning..
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Oh fuck…
The nerves, we’ll call it “excitement”
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Each iteration moves away from me. And my ego. It’s about them and how I can create an experience for them..

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