Sunday, March 10, 2019

I woke up around 9am. The time has changed. I got 5 hours of sleep.

I can tell by the way the light is coming in through the curtains that it’s an unusually bright day.

It feels like spring.


I feel slow and aimless.

Might be the mushroom, dmt, cannabis and coke I did yesterday.

But I only did a little bit of each.

So I feel good.

And slow.


Like a child waking up to a free day and feeling slightly overwhelmed by what to do.

I want to go outside and be in the sun, and go for a walk, and read a book, I want to read 14 books.

Maybe I’ll go to the farmer’s market?

I look up farmer’s market Sunday east bay.

There’s one in Temescal, I’ve never been. Perfect.


By the time I was done journaling, changing, made and packed my tea and 6 books, the sky had turned from bright blue to light gray.


I opened the sunroof, I haven’t done that in a while. It feels good to breathe in the cool fresh air.


I deposited the cash from last night into my account. It feels good to have money in the bank again..


I decided it wasn’t that cold to wear my leather jacket so I left it in the car while I shopped at the farmer’s market.


All of a sudden it started to rain pretty hard while I was at the Good Faith Olive stand.

Everyone took cover.

Did I close my sunroof? I can’t remember, I think so?

It stopped raining, everyone including me resume our shopping


I didn’t think I was gonna get that much produce but I filled up a giant cooler bag with food (at least it’s all organic and good for me). I wonder if I can eat it all before I take off for Bali next week?


I circle back to the sheepskin wool and body balm stand. You look familiar I said to the young cute part Asian gal. Oh right, I bout lip balm from her at 3 Stone Hearth. her lip balm is made of fats. Summer Solace.

I asked her

how do you clean sheepskin?

Did you get a stain on yours? she asked

Well, I had a party that evolved into a sex party and you know..

Oh! Well, sunlight is the best way to clean sheepskin..


I looked around the stand, found a tiny book called 10 Plants for Color: A simple Guide to growing and using natural dye plants. I can’t help it, I do want to learn how to watercolor with natural dye. I also got a little bag of dried chamomile.

It star

When I was done shopping, the stands were starting to pack up.


When I got back to the car and opened my door, I realized I hadn’t closed my sunroof all the way, the front seats were wet. What really alarmed me, was that I had left my Rick Owens leather jacket in the front seat. I quickly grabbed it and inspected it. It got wet in the front and the sleeves. Ugh. Oh dea, how is its buttery soft supple sheepskin leather going to handle this dampness?


You have to understand this is my most prized article of clothing. P got it for me 4 years ago at the Rick Owens store in LA. It was 2500.

It’s not cheap, but totally worth it. I wear this jacket all the time, its asymetrical zipper, oversized hoodie and skinny extra long sleeves creates the most flattering shape. I get compliments on it all the time. Every time I wear it I secretly hope I can bump into Rick Owens randomly just to thank him for creating such a perfect jacket..


And now it’s imperfect, because I got it wet.


As I drove towards Blick art supplies, I would occasionally check ont he jacket to see how it’s drying, I noticed the leather around the seams are wrinkling. My heart sinks.


It’s one of my favorite gifts from P too.


I go into Blick to get tape for the mail art I want to make..


For the next 2-3 hours, I fret, call the Rick Owens store for advice, they recommend a good cobbler to get it conditioned, I yelp cobblers, I text G, my business partner, she takes care of her leather gear really well, she had great advice, on a good cobbler and how to condition it and with what kind..

After consulting with 2 cobblers, G, and the rick Owens sales rep, and amazoning Chamberlain’s leather conditioner, I think it’ll be okay. I hang the jacket on a wooden hanger and hang it on the aerial hoop so I can periodically inspect it.


It’s been a long time since I got obsessive over something that lost its seeming perfection. But when I do, I go OCD.



P2 is bringing Cutie back any minute now.




Dear U,

Okay, I’m gonna try to go back and fill in the events of Friday, the DecrimSF gathering and Saturday night, the “gangbang”

Oh and also, the STD mystery was solved on Friday when P got in his results.


Today, I was feeling slow and fragile.

I allowed myself to be the fragile child, who can cry over a wet leather jacket.


Maybe in a way, I needed to be the little girl today to counterbalance Mistress Colette, the ringleader last night.


I relish this part of being little. The little me knows how to be gentle and take it nice and slow. There’s no guilt in not having done more with my day, then writing, walking slowly, going to the farmer’s market, going to Blick to get pink and black artist tape (for my mail art), fretting over wet sheepskin leather, doing research on good cobblers, how to condition leather, etc, talking to P and him making fun of me for being a little mupp as I cry (cathartically) like a child, making a stirfry, reuniting with Cutie, going for a walk with P2 and Cutie in the magic hour and then another walk to catch the sunset, cleaning out the fridge as P2 takes out the trash, giving P2 food I probably won’t eat, 3 bottles of shampoo that I bought and probably won’t use, making a salad for me and P2, having conversations with P2 about how his thing for Cutie is part of his identity now, which he is very out about with all his friends, watching some youttube movie review videos made by infranaut, an interesting follower of Cutie’s blog, talking to P again, and now writing to you.


It’s a lazy Sunday.


Tomorrow I will put my things in bins..


it feels good to be overwhelmed by something and then realize it’ll be okay, there’s a lesson here in letting go or something..


What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, cup of bone broth at the farmer’s market, stir fry I made around 4pm, some sweet potato awesome chips, 1/3 cacao chip protein bar, a salad I made for me and P2, olives

What I spent money on: $100 or so on olive oil, olives, olive hache, sauerkraut, chard, kale, brocoli, broccollini, spring mix, micro greens, shitake mushrooms, a book on natural dying, dyer’s dried chamomile at the famer’s market; $27 pink and black artist tape, letter stencils, piece of hard plastic at Blick, $27 chamberlain’s leather cleaner and conditioner

Monday, March 11, 2019 9:13pm


Dear U,


Wow. I lost everything I wrote to you earlier today. I think it had something to do with me trying to upload the “gangbang” videos on to dropbox and the size of the multiple files slowed down my bandwidth to it just majorly glitched.


I swore I “saved changes”


I also lost everything I I wrote on the new page I created guiding lines..

Just as I was satisfied with what I wrote, and hit save, the internet shat itself.

I had to start over. The second time around was pretty different from what I wrote before.


Somehow I’m not as attached and crestfallen as I thought I would be. It still stung though.

I remember liking the flow of my stream of consciousness to you earlier


I can’t recreate the mood I was in or remember the thoughts I thought.


Once I dumped those words and thoughts out of my head on to here, it’s gone from inside. And now that it wasn’t saved. It’s gone for good.


I also write out what I ate and bought yesterday, that’s gone too.

I remember trying to explain why I have a hard time recounting to you the juicy details of an eventful day.


Every glitch is a lesson in letting go. That seems to be the constant theme.


So let’s see if I can look back..


I woke up, fully rested, futuristic dream, hospital setting?

Wrote my morning pages, it took almost an hour.


Thought came to me: if I meditate for 22 min in the morning, Pervette for 2 hours, and hop on the hoop/silk for 22 min and then mindfully eat my first meal of the day and continue eating healthy, I will have the 4 pillars of a solid day down.


And I’m happy to report that’s what exactly what I did today. I meditated for 22 min, I pervetted for 2 or 3 hours, then I hopped on the silk and practiced for 22 min then I made a hearty salad and ate it around 4:27.

I left the house at 4:45 to zip to the post office before it closed at 5. I slipped in at 4:58. I was the last one there. The middle eastern postmaster recognized me and was happy to see me, it’s been a while he says. (I think he knew me as that girl who would come in and get the cap amount of money order and unique-looking stamps).

I came to pick up a package I wasn’t home to sign for earlier this week.

All the way form Denmark? he said as he handed me a cylindrical package with writing and stamps that looked very cute and muppety.

Yeah, I’ve been waiting a month for it.

Any stamps?

Yeah, the desert flowers ones would be great.

I wished him a good night.


I decided to wait to get home to open it.


I drove to Berkeley campus. Parked by Yali’s cafe, walked by BAM, I was an hour early before the 6:30 talk. There was a large gathering of kids mingling inside and pizza, I asked what was going on. There was an undergrad networking event, the girl at the table asked if I wanted to join. I said it’s okay, I’ll come back later for the talk.

I was tempted to maybe slide in, but I really wanted to go for a walk in the magic hour. I went to the tiny Berkeley organic farmer’s market stand by the Downtown BArt and got 2 avocados, a pink lady apple, a clementine and some walnuts and almonds, I was feeling snacky.


Then I walked back to the car to put away away the avocados

Palindrome. This is exactly what did at the same time last week, except I only got one avocado last week.


When I came back to BAM the mixer was wrapping up.

It was a Berkeley Arts and Design creative career mixer, that sounds kinda cool actually. I was feeling regretful that I had a chance to slide into some strange student social thing but passed it up. And a slice of pizza would’ve been nice to nibble on. Maybe I was destined to meet someone interesting there?


The talk with Tom Kelly (the founder of IDEO) and the dean of Haas business school was interesting and very affirming, it was about leading with creative confidence.

Interesting concepts:


Reverse-Mentor- find people who are usually younger than you to access knowledge you seek, that’s how one stays up to date on current knowledge



Wrestle with the complexity to arrive at simplicity


His career was unplanned, he just stumbled on to it

That sounds like how most interesting people find their paths, I think.

It’s non-linear.


design thinking-find human need, apply creativity to solve


the path from fear to courage is just trying it


social inhibition f/x vs. social facilatation f/x

if you believe yo have the capacity to do well, you actually do your best


read The war of art

( I have that book)


circular economy?


I enjoy these doses of brain food.


afterwards I came home, made a stirfry, ate it with chopsticks, to slow down my eating.


talk to P

He has sent me a link to a house listing in Santa Monica.

He asked if he can borrow 8.5 million to buy it

I said I’ll organize some more gangbangs

He said at the rate I’m going, I need to do 3400 more gangbangs.

That’s like a gangbang everyday for 9 years.


Every time we talk, P gives me . the update on the bali trip planning he’s doing.

So far we nixed the fancy Orient express, Tokyo, Hainan (to see the giant Guanyin statue) and now we’re kinda not feeling Hong Kong that much, even though that was our anniversary itinerary.

I’m feeling cost conscious for P. He’s been spending quite a lot on us. Bali for 2 weeks is already pretty good I think. Besides, I’m happy to be back home to get on with my attempt at a self-disciplined semi-structured days.


I still need to catch you up on all day Friday and Saturday night the “gangbang”

It’s 11:33pm, I’m too tired to write, I’m sorry..

I think I wanna read Lao Tzu Tao Ching


What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, hojicha tea I got from Ippudo in Kyoto, walnuts, 2/3 Urban Remedy Cacao Chip protein bar for snacks while pervetting; hearty salad I made with walnuts, blueberries, pecorino, duck egg, avocado, shaved carrots, micro greens for lucj at 4:20, pink lady apple and more walnuts from the organic stand before the talk, more walnuts after the talk, a mushroom, carrot, chard, beef stirfry, sauerkraut, olives, and a clementine, oh and a teaspoon of honey pine pollen (it’s day 3 of no refined sugar whatsoever, I can tell I’m craving a little something sweet, hence the apple, clementine and honey)

What I spent money on: $11 for cactus flower stamps, $6 on 2 organic avocados, a pink lady apple, a clementine, some walnuts and almonds at the Berkeley organic farmer’s market stand

Books I’m reading: Ursula Le Guin’s translation/notation of Lao Tzu Te Ching A Book about the Way and the Power of the Way ( so good), Long Story Short, Binti, Leaving a Trace


Tuesday,  March 12, 2019 10:31am

Berkeley, Orgy Room


Dear U,

I’m finding my morning groove:

Morning pages, Masturbate and Meditate.


I feel great. I have a “Priestess Gathering” today with S and A at 3.

I’m going to make us some soup, tidy up the house


It only takes a day for a put together house to turn into a muppet explosion.

I read somewhere that creatives need messes. It’s true.


I also taxes to do today, I’m seeing my CPA tomorrow. He’s going to teased and tortured and then I hand him my tax workbook that I will have filled out.


P is coming home on Thursday, which means I only have today and tomorrow to do all the bin packing I should’ve done probably these past two weeks.

But I also want to work on Pervette before the A and S arrive.

There’s a lot to do..


Here I go..

Wednesday, March 13, 2019 10:27am


Dear U,

I woke up at 9:48am today. Pretty late.

I have lots to do…

Today is the last day I have to organize and put all my mupp stuff away in bins.

I totally waited till the last minute to motivate. I also gonna fill out my tax organizer.

Seeing one ball B, my cpa, today 2.

(he has one testicle)


I escaped the cold that both S and A had.

I feel good, slightly high (even though I didn’t microdose yesterday) like I can pervette all day.

But I’ll save all this energy for organizing my things I want to eventually use to make art.


Okay, I guess I gotta go…


Thursday, March 12, 2019

I got done packing/sorting/organizing all my mupp stuff into bins around 3:33am.


I woke up around 8:32am.


(quick rehash)


P2 got a tattoo of Cutie.


I saw D.


I picked up P


Early dinner at Belcampo.


Session with J.


P picks me up..


Wow, all the missing details is what makes the day sounds eventful.


I’ll fill it in later..

What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, turmeric bone broth, a little cold brew bulletproof coffee, a small salad at the Alice Collective, a sip of P2’s chai latte, chaga tea +, Urban Remedy bar, some walnuts and sweet potato awesome chips, some kind of spice tea I got with D on our little walk, 2/3 of 100 day dry aged burger, brussel sprouts, some of P’s steak and carrots at Belcampo (so yummy)

Friday,  Mar 15, 2019 9:22am


Dear U,


When you don’t hear from me, you know a lot is going on…



Guess who’s the proud owner of

That’s right.

I got it!

For 800.

I had given up on it about a week ago.

And just yesterday I got the email that my offer for 800 was accepted.

It’s a 20% brokerage fee.

Altogether 972

Not bad. For legitimizing perv with an .org


Another session today, I actually gotta go get ready.

So much I want to tell you..


What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, a bite of P’s plantain pancake, an Urban Remedy bar (before my session), a perfect plantain pancake P made for me after my session; (for dinner) my veggie soup, a giant hearty salad and sauteed chard, mushroom, carrot, with mediterranean beef I cooked for me and P

What I spent money on: $976 on

Saturday, March 16, 2019

What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, reheated veggie soup I made, a perfect plantain pancake with goat butter that P made for me, a Urban Remedy cacao chip bar, the last bowl of veggie soup that I shared with P, one bag of chocolate covered ashapops, another bag of pepper and spice Ashapops (that P got for me from Erewhon and brought up), tamari almonds and 2 honey glazed pecans (P got for me from Chow market), a hearty salad that I made for me and P2 (which I ate too much of), some sauerkraut, pine pollen honey


Back to my previous week


Image above of P2’s new Cutie tattoo