Sunday, March 24, 2019 2:10pm

Ubud, Indonesia

 

Dear U,

It started to rain after P and I had sex.

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Our moods shift like the tropical weather here.

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I woke up at 5:30am this morning. P wasn’t there, he had gone into the living room.

Unlike the night before, he slipped out without waking me up.

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Hello? Am I being abandoned?? I hollered, acting as if I was little. He came into the room to assure me I wasn’t.

Then I went into the living room and joined him in the giant bay window sofa area, we shared the comforter as I journaled and he watched his NASA show on his ipad.

I did some research into some healthy places to eat around town.

Then I came over to his side, leaned in and joined him watching the gemini nasa project something or another. The whole space thing was pretty crazy experimental back then in the 60’s.

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I think we’re slowly getting over our jet lag. That queasy feeling we felt most of yesterday seems gone.

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We were planning on doing two breakfasts. One at our hotel at 7am, since it’s the only place that’s open early and we’re pretty hungry and another breakfast outside at The elephant which opens at am.

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At 7am, we headed over to the terrace restaurant for breakfast. We were the second couple there.

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He said he’s thinking of going to send a whatsapp message to our friends in Bali letting them know we’re going to Elephant at 9:30.

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I can see P go huh, and seem slightly ticked when I told him I micro-dosed right before we went out and now I’m feeling it.

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I said maybe we can not send the whatsapp message about Elephant, I’m feeling not so social yet.

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He reinstalled his Twitter app last week and he’s been on it non-stop this trip. He says without cannabis he has more energy now and no where to direct it, so he’s just on his phone consuming information.

He shows me videos from the Machine Pics feed… Of a boat/machine that breaks ice in the arctic. Of a machine that makes noodles. Of a machine that scoops a lot of dirt.

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P puts his hand on my belly and asked if I was having a baby, in a taunting tone.

Mupps, you don’t say that to someone who has an eating disorder in high school!

(That was an inside joke, from 4 1/2 years ago, when he pretty much did the same thing to me (poking at my belly) and in a couuples therapy session, that’s what I blubbered through tears)

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I can feel something shift in P during breakfast.

I asked how he felt about me micro-dosing, because I can sense a tensing up reaction from him.

He said he would’ve liked a heads up before one of altered our consciousness he said.

I’ve been so used to doing it daily, that I didn’t think much of it.

And it’s not like he makes an announcement every time he smokes weed to me, I think of micro-dose as an equivalent

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He says he wants to be back in LA.

When your whole life is a vacation, a vacation like this isn’t that much of an upgrade, he says, if anything it’s a downgrade.

He wants to do what he wants to do, and be where ever, and smoke when he wants to smoke, here he feels stifled.

And we’ve been together since Tuesday, that’s 5 days together, he points out, the longest we’ve been together in quite some time. And this morning, he would’ve appreciated his alone time watching his space video. And I’m way less social than he is and I’m holding him back from socializing.

He wants to go home.

This is the first time in our trip I hear him voice all of this.

I told him I didn’t know that he wanted his space this morning. I thought he enjoyed the little mupps curling up to him. I told him now that I know, I’m totally happy to carve out alone time in the morning. And I’m totally open to going home early.

He was in a tantrum-y mood. I tried not to be defensive and allowed him to be.

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I told him it’s not easy for me to be around his energy (which is petulant bratty teenager going through weed withdrawls) but I’m fine with it, because it’s all an experiment.

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It was our first tense conversation on this trip.

After breakfast, P’s energy shifted, he was playful and muppety again.

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We got a cab to Elephant. It was our first venture out.

It was a shoes off kinda place, with a nice view of the rice paddies and valley. Every one eating there was white. It seem to be the spot for digital nomads. The menu wasn’t as exciting or healthy as I hoped it to be. Somehow people think if you have museli on your menu, that constitutes as healthy. P got another eggs benny.I got a salad, it was heavily dressed. I didn’t finish it.

We devoured the sweet potato fries. I’m glad I threw that in the order.

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We got back just as they were done cleaning our room. They had taken the plate of 3 Lumpu cake (sp?) the sweet potato cakes that they brought to our room yesterday evening and I only had one of, but was so looking forward to another.

They left an elephant-shaped towel on the bed. While P was on his ipad watching his nasa episodes in the bay window, I went into the room, took the elephant towel and placed it in between my legs and sat Cutie on my heart. It was a slow masturbation session..

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I’m trying to not let things get to me:

The rattail ends of my hair

The less than healthy food I’m eating

The way I feel, which is kinda fat and how I can’t stop eating

The crappy wiki article I have of me that’s online and public

The at times petulant P who’s constantly glued to his screens

The pervette unproductiveness that I feel these past few days

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I flex my thighs around the towel, its shape and girth between my legs is perfect.

I can feel my hips twitching into relaxation.

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Be present. Be present. I come.

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P comes in through the balcony, asks what I’m up to. I tell him I’m just hanging with Cutie with a blanket between my legs. He lifts the covers to see that that’s the case and laughs. He wishes he can masturbate quietly like me.

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Hey.. Do you want some d, i, c, k, ? he spells it out.

Sure! I say, like he’s offering me a snack or something.

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As we take off our clothes, he said he really appreciated our conversation at breakfast today. He said it wasn’t easy and he was glad that I brought it up and wanted to have that conversation.

I was kinda surprised to hear that but it did explain the shift in his energy that I felt after breakfast.

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As I write this, I’m trying to think about what it is  that I did to disarm him?

I think it was just sensing that something was off in his reaction to my micro dose and request to not be social this morning, and rather than brushing it off, I brought it up.

I allowed him to be express everything he was feeling, even when his words stung, I listened and gave him the space to let it out, I empathized and then I voiced my perspective. And provided some meta observations, how we were both acting under assumptions. I didn’t know he wanted his space int he morning. He didn’t know it too until after the fact.

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We fucked. It was perfect.

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Then it started to rain. I filmed it.

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We decided to not wait the rain out and order room service. I ordered spring rolls, he got a ceasar salad and butternut squash soup.

We ate outside on the balcony, listening to Cigarettes After Sex. D tosses a bread roll over the balcony,

P mupps! What are you doing?

He has that mischievous little boy look on his face, he tries to toss another one, I block it in time.

He picks it up and tosses it.

P mupps..!

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We had the table cleared, P is inside watching his show. I’m here writing to you.

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My hair will grow out.

My body will slim down and tell me what it really needs once I stop putting sugar in it.

Tomorrow I will carve time to pervette.

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P says to me..

Jesus. Did you just kill the kale chips? (earlier this afternoon)

Jesus. Did you just kill the activated hazalnuts? (just right now)

Jesus. Have some self control. This is ironic coming from me, he says..

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We all have our weaknesses, I say.

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I wonder how the days will unfold..

Will we end the trip early?

Will P get over this withdrawel hump?

However it unfolds, I’m open…

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11:01pm

 

Dear U,

Just like that, everything shifted.

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At 4:30 we got a cab to our friend’s N and K’s villa, aka the pop-up ashram. They had invited a guru and his swarmi and “followers” to stay with them. They’ve been having daily meditations everyday at 8am and 5:30ish in the evening.

We were all supposed to have dinner at 5:30 today but it got cancelled because the guru already had Indian food for lunch and so their 5:30 meditation still holds.

.

When we arrived, an older blond british woman in an orange sarong and Indian scarf, tells us a little about what’s going to happen in our first meditation

sanku..?

 

He’s going to give us a sanku, a blessing or wish to help us find our true highest selves, as we shed our layers of conditioning.

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I met J, he picked some morning glories for us to give to the guru, in exchange for his blessing for our enlightenment. That feels like a good deal.

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One at a time we were called up to him, we gave him a flower and a fruit, he blessed our fruit and a blanket, on which we’ll sit during our meditation.

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Was it the blessing, the blanket, the energy of the guru, or the sangha,

Time dilated, like crazy.

Before I knew it, P was waving his hands before me,

Mupps, we’re the last ones here, he said.

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You were in there for an hour and 20 minutes, said T, the british swarmi.

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P said he thought about me in his sit, how much he loved, and appreciated me.

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He apologized for making fun of my weight. He says he says all that because he’s still with me, obviously he loves me for who I am, since he’s been with me for 5 years, he’s obviously joking, in his head, he thinks I would get that, but he sees now, that that’s not my experience.

I tear up, moved that he can finally see how it hurts me.

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I feel so grateful. For how this day, for  howthese past few days have unfolded, the painful jetlag Saturday, the tense converation I brought up, and how I held still, and we broke through to the other side.

 

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We had a lovely group dinner at N and K’s current favorite restaurant, whose slogan is is Don’t Panic, It’s Organic. We walked there from their villa. The food was super fresh and yummy. Their produce came strait from their garden.

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Afterwards, P, N and I chatted..

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You do not want to be caught with drugs here, N says. Indonesia has the strictest drug policy in the world.

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Don’t tell anyone you have acid on you. They get paid to turn you in here.

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After meditation, I don’t miss cannabis at all, N says.

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I like how N is influencing P. Since P looks up to him. His words are influential..

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What I put inside me: one poached egg with some balinese hot sauce, mint tea, chaga tea (I brought from home) at the resort restaurant, a breakfast nicoise salad, sweet potato fries, mushroom’s from P’s plate and carrot juice at Elephant, tamari almonds, 2 cacao coconut balls, bone broth kale chips, activated mulberry hazelnuts (snacks from Erewhon), summer spring rolls, the scraps of P’s caesar salad and butternut squash soup (in room dining for our late lunch), tulsi green tea..

Rambutan (tons at N and K’s villa) mongosten, including one that was blessed by the guru

Dinner at Bingagtan (sp?): somethin salad with chicken, sweet and spicy corn on the cob, Chicken Pepe with red rice, cinnamon tea

 

Monday, March 25, 2019

 

We rushed from our 7am breakfast to our 8am meditation at N’s.

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We got turned around because I thought we went past the villa but as it turned out we didn’t go far enough.

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After the am sit, J made a request with the guru and swarmi for a 10:30am sit. They were down, for which  P and I were grateful since we don’t have to rush in the morning to make the 8am sit.

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I was fully present for D, the former bulgarian model turn tarot card reader. She pontificates about her life philosophy. She’s into sufism. We did the dirvish swirl dance together.

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N gives us his recs for lunch and non car streets to cover

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Just follow the hippies, he says.

Avoid the tourist traps. If you see fat white Americans and chinese people, domn’t go there.

 

D and I do lunch at Sayuri. The hot spot for digital nomads. The layout was super inspiration for our tonic bar. Shoes off, tatami mats. An outdoor area with hammocks low tables..

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The menu was created by a japanese woman, Sayuri. Everything I had was divine. I never even knew I like raw vegan food until then.

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Then we walked through the streets of downtown Ubud in the heat of the day. P was getting short and slightly cranky, for a minute. He held my hand and would tighten his grip when he felt me wanting to stop.

I noted a hole in the wall stationary shop I wanted to go inside and a magical musical instrument shop.

I didn’t want him to hold my hand. I wanted to explore the town alone, and wander into shops and alleys and go where my curiosity wants me to go.

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P complains about the dirtiness of the streets and the sound of the cars and exhausts. I didn’t seem to mind, it was all part of the milieu of the place, I thought.

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P realize he was being cranky, I pointed it out that he was agitated, he snapped out of it.

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When we came back to our cool room, we took a long nap, 2 and half hours.

When we got up , we decided not to do the 5:30 sit. But we opted in for the group Indian dinner.

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When we got to the restaurant, J, P’s best friend, was there. He just flew in.

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Look what J brought for me…!

Oh shit, I said as

P opens his hand. It’s a Pax vape pen. He smuggled it in for P.

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P says he’s going out during dinner to smoke and make his dinner 50% yummier.

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What’s a domimatrix? asks the British Swarmi. She has trouble pronouncing the word. She keeps on wanting to say matrix at the end.

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After learning about what I do, she thinks who I am would make the perfect dominatrix. They can trust me because I’m sweet.

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I ask K if she thinks she has become a better multitasker since becoming a mom.

She says yes, as her 6month old is sucking on her tit, she’s pulling up a youtube video on the ipad for her 2 year old and she has a fork in her hand trying to eat her tandoori chicken.

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What I put inside me:

Breakfast at Mandapa: mint tea, chaga, egg balad0 (poached egg with spicy sauce sambal balado, tempeh cracker and asparagus with a salad I made with walnuts.

Lunch at Sayuri (yum!): Pirate Tonic tea, shot of apple cider vinegar strawberry apple, Ocean Love spirulina soup, 2 slices of gluten free bread with curry butter, some of P’s lasagna, his gluten free brownie

Dinner with the group at an Indian restaurant: tea, this bitter drink, some butter chicken, an indian bread that’s not naan but yummier, dosa, tandoori chicken, all eaten mindfully in a small amount

Tuesday, March 26, 2019 9:02am

 

Dear U,

I feel like myself again.

I think it was a combination of a lot of things.

The high vibing food I’m putting in my body since yesterday

The micro dose of the mushrooms

The jet lag that I kicked in the butt

The effortless meditation these past few days and last night

I haven’t put anything in my body yet

I masturbated and came

And probably most importantly

The 2 hours of alone time I got this morning

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In the 2 hours, I kinda finally unpacked and hung up my clothes, scrapbooked receipts and random artifacts into my journal, chanted and had the butler make me an extra room key.

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Yesterday I put a travel notification on my debit and credit cards, I’m ready to pull out somme local currency

And venture out today later this afternoon

On my own.

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It’s been a full week of being with P. And everything is going as smoothly as it could be, which I’m super grateful for

But I’m also aware (as I’m reading the Happy Emapth’s Workbook (so glad I brought that book)) that I need my alone time, which I haven’t got at all.

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I think I figured out the way this morning:

When P goes straight to breakfast at 7am, I hang back, do my morning ritual, get ready, and just as I’m arriving at the restaurant terrace, he’s just wrapping up, we have a few minutes overlap and then he heads back to the room to get ready, while I’m here, on my laptop, writing to you..

It’s perfect.

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I wonder if I can intermittent fast today.

Can I pass up the “best brunch in Ubud” which is complimentary to the guests at the Ritz?

The scrappy frugal asian kid in me thinks What??

And the lean clean me thinks I can be better than that.

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I dunno. I did a micro dose, I do feel airy, maybe some salad with walnuts would be nice and grounding..

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Okay, I had a small salad I made with the fresh lettuce and walnuts at the buffet.

Everyday my breakfast is getting leaner and lighter.

I did feel hungry. I should eat when I’m hungry. But not to a point of discomfort.

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This trip, being in Bali, without structure, with endless yummy snacks and high vibing food all around is my challenge to learn how to bring back the 4 pillars into my days: meditation, exercise, eating right and mindfully and meditation

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At least I got the meditation down.

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I got lemons and hot water and I brought my real salt, my first cup of lemon water

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P is in a hyper happy mood again

Now that he’s high

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I don’t know how I feel other than accepting the situation as it is. So much for learning how to overcome his addictions,. I guess. But at least he’s happy and doesn’t want to claw his eyes out because he’s so “fucking bored”

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There’s a lot to catch you up on. But now I gotta go. Back to the room, swoop up P, take a cab to N’s villa (the pop-up ashram) and catch the 10:30 meditation sit with our friends and the guru

 

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As always, there’s lots of magic in the air..

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4:30pm

 

Dear U,

It’s pouring outside and P and I are inside, he’s napping in the bedroom, I’m here in the bay window with Cutie, writing to you.

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I feel great.  In spite of eating and killing a whole bag of assorted raw crackers..

It’s healthy and it has spirulina

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I love how in the past day and a half, I’ve found all the high vibing restaurants and markets in town and filling myself with the healthiest food possible.

I love how there’s a good handful of really yummy high vibing restaurants whose menus make me so happy.

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It’s funny how I missed my hair mineral analysis appointment but my report was emailed to me, and I found out I have tons of heavy metal in my body and from research I know that I need to put spirulina in me. And the high vibey places in Ubud is all about the spirulina. Or at least I’m primed now to see spirulina everywhere I go.

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I’m getting used to my scrappy hair. With it being thinned out, it works out better in the sweltering mid day heat.

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My face looks good these past 2 days. All the puffiness from the lack of sleep and cannabis before the flight has faded.

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I’m eating lighter and healthier today and yesterday, I don’t feel overstuffed and grossed out with myself.

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I feel like 80% of my thoughts goes towards food and my body. It’s crazy how much I think about those two things.

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P and I have nailed our morning routine apart together. I’m so glad I navigated through this morning intentionally carving out alone time for the both of us.

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We didn’t bring our blankets (blessed by the guru) to our meditation sit today, we were trying to make our bags lighter.

Our sit today was the longest feeling sit we’ve had yet. We both felt every minute of that full hour. P thought it was because he smoked weed before. I thought it was because we didn’t have our blessed blankets, and somehow it shifted our practice from effortless to effort-based.

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It also didn’t help that O, one of the spiritual dudes sitting next to me, got up left the room and came back twice, then he laid down and fell asleep and started snoring.

And he smelled of B.O.

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After out sit, we hopped in the hotel car that was

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In my journal last night and this morning, I wrote about how I want to be a positive mirror to P. To allow him to be, and just by being me, I can help him see himself better. I want to be present, accepting and non-judgmental.

I think just putting that out there, I am embodying those intentions. Because the energy I feel within myself and between us has been amazing.

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I love the the torrential downpour outside. It makes it so easy to stay inside the cozy room, sit in the bay window and write and read.

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I think the more P and I interact with our friends and sees how they struggle with jealous or insecure girlfriends and wives, the more P appreciates me and our relationship.

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Over lunch at Clear Cafe with P and J (P’s best friend), P periodically looks over at me with adoration and tells me how much he loves me.

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It’s crazy how everything can shift so quickly, two mornings ago, P writes in his journal that he’s so bored, he can claw his eyes out, yesterday mornig he writes

What I put inside me:

Breakfast: spirulina, chlorella, sam-e, something brain fuel, chaga tea, mint tea, shot of wheat grass, shot of an herbal drink, a small salad with walnuts, lemon water

Lunch (at Clear Cafe with P and J): Moringa smoothie, Diamond Detox Tonic, Summer spring rolls with Tiger Shrimp, Clear Kale macrobiotic raw salad with orange miso dressing, a bite of P’s salad, one of his cracker and hummus dip, a sip of P’s chocolate mylk shake, berry drink, and J’s chocolate maca drink; a sample of the chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, peanut butter, ginger cookie, ginger bread, cocobanana muffin from the Clear Cafe store

Snacks: 1/2 of the green layered treat (pictured above), a handful of tamari almonds, a whole bag of assorted raw crackers (with spirulina) from Sayuri,

Dinner:

Outfit of the day: black jersey onesie during the day and at night the Calo navy blue slinky satin dress

 

Wednesday, March 26, 2018 7:17am

Dear U,

I’m outside on the balcony of our suite writing to you. The air is perfectly calm with just the slightest bit of balmy. I love the way the air smells. I love the sounds, it’s never fully quiet. I can the birds chirping, the river running, the roosters, the wings of insects fluttering. P just went to breakfast. We both woke up around 5 today. I thought we were gonna get up around 5:30, but as I began to journal, my body still felt tired, so I laid in bed for a while. But my mind was awake. Then I somehow got the idea to get my headphones and phone and pull up the audio dharma podcast. It’s been a while since I listened to Gil..

I first listened to a dharmette by Matthew Brensilver on Note Your Life Away

Then I listened to a recent talk Gil gave on mindfulness of feeling tones.

Through his words I realize what it is that I secretly want for P.

I want for him to find that inner peace and joy independent of the conditions of the world.

I grabbed a towel and put it in between my legs.

I came hard, several times.

I saw the videos I’m going to make. My emotions is my power is the theme.

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I had a dream with L in it. I did something wrong. I knew the code to her lover’s place. I opened his door and left my weekender bag of toys in it. Was I trying to drop him a clue?

I vacillated and decided to tell her what I did. She was upset with me. It felt like it was the end of our friendship.

But then she later came back slowly giving me back my toys (crops and canes) by making me follow her to get them.

Also

I dropped my sister off at the airport 7 hours early.

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There was more to the dream.

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When I got my phone to listen to audio dharma, I saw that L had texted..

She was sorry that she’s finally getting my text now.

I think I texted her last asking if she knew of any hunky black stuntcocks for the gangbang I’m organizing.

She asked how I was. She misses me.

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I haven’t seen her since my birthday party, when I held her perfect naked body and  told her how much I love her and how we’re going to change the world.

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I can feel magic inside me. My body feels like a vessel again.

What kind of food I put inside me affects my consciousness.

I’m so grateful that I’m in Ubud, a spiritual place with so many intentional raw plant-based eateries.

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My hair is hair, it’s growing and changing slightly day by day. It’s almost a slight mystery to me how it’s going to look from moment to moment, depending on the humidity and how it dries after I take a shower. Maybe it has a life of its own. Every now and then I like the way it frames my face. I’m trying not to get obsessed or attached. Everything is teaching me a lesson.

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P and I are as super connected as ever. We tend to be the most united when we’re in discussion of psychoanalyzing people around us. We see people and their blindspots in a very aligned way.

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I can feel P’s love deepening for me. As I feel myself growing. I’m learning how to drop my ego, not defend myself, but just speak the truth as non judgmentally as I can.

It helps that little mupps is talking most of the time, she knows how to be herself, speak the truth in this child-like authentic way that make him laugh.

It’s like she knows how to disarm him by being disarming and vulnerable herself.

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What’s so funny, Mupps? I ask P as he laughs.

What do you think, Mupps? he replies as he pokes at me.

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It’s like there’s two parts of me that’s growing: my child self and my higher self.

Their characters are coming out.

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I’m looking at you Mupps, P says.

Oh yeah?

And I like what I see.

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There’s something going on. I feel like P is witnessing me growing. He has been all these years. As I have him. But in this trip, it’s a perfect microcosm of our relationship, all the while we are back in the same place where we first fell in love, with our younger and less mature selves.

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The same place allows for us to measure how much we’ve grown.

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P still laughs at how 5 years ago here, when I was in the swimming pool with him on acid , I confessed that no one has ever seen me wet in the pool.

That’s when he knew he was with the neurotic girl. That and when I dropped a gaint bag of vitamins on the table.

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I keep on wondering when I look at my hair, how can the shag queen thin out all the volume in my hair when I confessed to her that I had a hair fallout trauma in high school and ever since I’ve been obsessed with volume.

She did say as she was razorblading my hair, it’s time to let go.

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I’ve been washing my hair and showering everyday, sometimes twice. Always in the afternoon, after we come back from lunch..

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I was so certain I was gonna go exploring the city yesterday early evening, all by myself, then the thunderstorms came rolling in.

But something about me getting my own room key, and wanting to go out an pay for things myself, that energy of unmeshing myself from P has lightened up the energy around us. I can feel him respecting me more.

He fell in love with an independent woman, and somwhow in the past 5 years, I have learn to not be so independent, the opposite of who I thought I was. It felt like it was a necessary path.

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Yesterday, J, P’s best friend, ask why is it that there aren’t more couples like us. It seems like what we’re doing feels so right.

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I thought about that question later..

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I think it has to do with time and energy. These past 5 years, because of P’s support (he gave me a literal sanctuary to incubate in) I learned how to shift all my attention and energy from work and making money to cultivating a higher quality of my inner life.

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I’m in a writey mood. It feels like the more I note the more I can let go of that thought…

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I don’t know how to describe all of this to you.

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It’s almost impossible to recount the days, the details, the conversations, the weather that shift the mood the feelings, the thoughts the perception.

How do I express to you how everything keeps on changing?

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I have my recorder that keeps on going. I fear that I didn’t bring enough batteries and the AA batteries they have here will die quickly and I have to keep on changing them out.

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And this is just me journaling to you, in a little corner of Pervette. What about the main paths of Pervette. I haven’t touched those in days and weeks.

I have the slightest guilt that I should be working on it. But I also know that I’m just following what I feel, and what I feel has never led me astray.

Or at least that’s what my teleological mind tells me.

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I’m allowing for the mystery to unfold.

I’m staying present for P. I want him to know that I’m here for him.

At the same time, I’m taking care of myself so I can better take care of him.

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Should I go down to breakfast. The view of the river and rice paddies there is quite nice, and so is the service.

I like how everyone else is gorging on the all you can eat a la carte menu and buffet.

While I ask for some hot water and lemons

And make myself a small salad with nothing other than walnuts, balsamic vinegar and olive oil.

I’m that girl.

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I think I’ll shower and see how my hair shapes up, then go down for a small salad..

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I kinda don’t want to break this stream. It feels like the first since I’ve been here that I feel prolific.

I attribute it to the multiple orgasms in the sex magick ritual I had this morning.

 

4:03pm

 

Dear U,

I’m outside on the balcony sitting where I was this morning when I was writing you. The air is balmy. And Cutie is here sitting on the table and staring at me.

.

After our 10:30am sit, N said he had a realization during his meditation. That me and P are the most dynamic people he knows. From extremely extroverted to introverted. Private and exhibitionists. Totally benevolent to selfish.

This coming from the shrewdest and smartest guy we know, a silicon valley celebrity, with the pithiest platitudes on Twitter and (as I just checked) half a million Twitter followers, P and I both took that as a compliment.

.

Met E today, an international playboy who sorta lives in Ubud. He came out to lunch with us. We both decided on Moksa. It was on my list today and it happens to be his favorite restaurant in town. He and I both connected on being former Mormons. He’s been to over 170 personal development programs over the past 15 years. Avalon, according to him, is the most intense and rewarding one so far.

His eyes lit up when he asked what I did and I said I was a dominatrix. He said he dated a dominatrix before.

.

E’s right knee was in a brace from “too much dancing” he slightly limped as he walked.

.

After lunch, my right knee felt slighlty sprained and i started to limp. I guess I an a Physical Empath, according to the Happy Empath’s Workbook

.

There were 5 of us at lunch, all successful rich white dudes and then there was me. They’re talking about how to move their crypto around, something about real estate, taxes, Puerto Rico, ex-pats get put on “the list.”

I like being the quiet one, listening on.

.

The food at Moksa was amazing.

3 for 3. Sayuri, Clear Cafe, Moksa. I can eat at each of those places everyday.

I can’t believe how high-vibing the food is here.

.

The energy with me and P have been amazing.

.

A2 gets in today. It feels like everyday, we have another friend join us. And we meet someone new as well.

.

It is crazy how so many in our circle of friends don’t have “real jobs” and we can just all hang out in Bali, meditate with a guru and eat really well for days and weeks on end.

.

We had made a 6:30 rezy for Zest for 3. But then our friends were having a big group dinner at Tulen at 6:30 so we cancelled our rezy and went to Tulen.

.

P has been defaulting to taking the hotel car everywhere. Since it’s “only” $20 an hour, we have the driver wait for us as we meditate, or go eat, and when we’re done, the car is already there, ready to take us to the next spot. It’s much less of a hassle, he says, then trying to get a taxi to our friend’s villa, which sometimes takes a while. And the car is nice and clean, with a friendly competent driver, just the way P likes it. He says it’s our anniversary, might as well make the whole experience pleasant and seamless.

.

Are you with the Indian group? The receptionist asked.

Uh yeah.

.

Tulen had a beautiful outdoor area in the rice paddies, there was a giant table that extended far out into the scenery, which our group took over, it was a majestic setting, especially at 6:30, when the sun was setting tand the sky was turning pink.  At the end of the table was the “Indian” guru with his swarmi, all in orange. Our table did look very interesting.

.

A2 came in late and joined us for dinner,

 

What I ate/drank: lemon water, mint tea, salad with walnuts at the Riz

Lunch (at Moksa): super green juice,Moksa sampler, ayam assam noodle soup, some of P’s jackfruit taco.

 

Dinner (at Tulen Ubud): strawberry apple kombucha, rosella tea, a few spoons of my watermelon gazpacho, chicken though and green beams and some red rice

Thursday, March 28, 2019 9:31am

 

Dear U,

P went to breakfast this morning. A2 joined him. I hung back.

When P2 came back right after he left to grab his airbuds, he said I look like I’m up to something.

He gave me a clue as to what I should do next.

We used up all our bath towels. So I grabbed a handtowel and hopped back into bed, I placed the towel between my legs, not enough girth, I grab another. Perfect.

I masturbated, came lightly, and drifted into a lay down meditation. When I was aware of my thoughts and cleared them, I felt this instantaneous lightness.

I dozed off for a bit.

I got up, an hour has passed.

.

I went outside, the cicadas are really loud this morning, I grabbed two sofa pillows and my blessed blanket, and went outside and meditated, listening to the cacophny of sounds.

.

Then I showered, and chanted. I’ve been chanting in the shower these past two mornings. Yesterday I had a new melody. Today it was back to my old melody.

.

I still feel high. It’s day 5 of the microdosing. I can feel the subtle accumulation crescendo..

.

I feel slow, mindful, like a child. Like a mupp. P just came back, and resumed his video watchin Elon Musk reveal the model I. I join him as they do the big reveal. The way it was presented was very non-climatic.

.

A2 is still at breakfast, enjoying the all you eat snacks. I feel too slow to go down and chat. I’m in a very meditative child state. I can engage. But I’m not sure if that’s what I want.

I want to color, read, write.

.

I like how I have this morning ritual of masturbating to wake up, that feels good.

.

Just as we had a routine around the 10:30am meditation, the guru decided that it was messing up his eating time, so no more.

It’s okay, I like the changes..

.

I’m excited about going to Zest today. Another high vibing restaurant/cafe. This place, according to E, has the best ceremonial cacao ever.

.

I’m obsessed with the food here. I think about it all the time. Almost.

..

I like how we initially booked 3 nights here at the Ritz. I called them up directly and asked for a special rate. They gave us a 15% discount. Then we extended another day the night before we were supposed to check out. And then the next day, Monday, we decided to stay till Friday. I asked the butler what he can do for us, in terms of the rate, they knocked it down another 15%, so our corner Mandapa Suite is 500 a night. Not bad at all.

.

I like how we’ve settled into this room. It feels like home. Funny how we thought were gonna hop around from resort to resort. And now we’re just happy with the Ritz.

.

 

4:31pm

 

Dear U,

 

Something is going on. I feel strange. In an amazing kinda way.

.

Last night after dinner, when P was asleep, I did some crunches and sit-ups on the bay window sofa, naked.  It was unusually effortless and pleasant. I felt like I could go on for a while. So I did

Pushups

Then I put on my headphones and started dancing in the bathroom with the mirrored walls to the my left and right.

I was in some active ecstatic state.

Like I was tripping.

.

Today I mindfully ate my walnuts and salad when I was with A2.

 

And at Zest, we overordered on a ton of yummy high vibing vegan food. And I mindfully ate small portions here and there.

Which, again, is usual.

.

What’s going on?

Who am I?

.

I feel like I’m mindful and high, and slow, enjoying every moment, like a child, curious

 

How do I feel?

What do I want?

.

Do I want to explore the town on foot alone today?

.

Or do I want to go really slow…?

.

I’ve been trimming the ends of my hair, it looks better.

.

I’ve been reading Binti. I like sci-fi now.

.

I love how lunch everyday is at a new high vibing shoes off place with incredible ambiance.

And with a new configuration of friends.

 

.

J just got in from Tokyo. He’s staying in the suite right below us. He joins me, A2, the other J, and E for lunch.

.

P ordered 3 cups of ceremonial cacao, 50%, 70& and 95% cacao, just to see which is his favorite.

70%

.

I got a 95% with spaces and nutmeg. It was very yummy.

I ordered 5 dishes. And somehow didn’t eat to a point of discomfort.

We had to pull up another table to hold all our dishes..

 

.

Just as I was gonna go into my sex magick ritual

Housekeeping rings

They had 11 towels to deliver.

.

What i put inside me:

Breakfast: micro dose of mushroom chocolate, mint tea, walnuts, and a small salad I made with walnuts at the Ritz

Lunch (at Zest) : sips of P’s 50% and 70% ceremonial cacao, my full cup of 95% ceremonial cacao, Bombay Boom sizzling wok, Chalice of Ganesha tonic, Moringa Leaf soup, taro chips with smashe avocado salsa, smashed avocado flatbread, and some of A2’s Zesty AF salad (definitely over-ordered and just nobbled here and there form everything)

Snack: some Hu chocolate covered almonds, sweet potato awesome chips, turndown service snack of green mung bean cake (2 pieces)

Dinner (at Akasha): jamu tonic, beet and something detox-y drink, giant coconut, jackfruit fritters, mie warung (stir fried clear noodles with egg on top, super yummy), slice of P’s hawaian gluten free pizza,

Friday, March, 29, 2019 9:16am

 

Dear U,

The themes of this trip:

Healthy boundaries

and

Effortless

 

.

Do you want to join your friend for breakfast? the host asks me.

No, I’m good.

I pick a seat on the terrace right above J. We’re about 7 feet awaay

I see him, he doesn’t see me.

.

They know my order now.

A pot of mint tea

A pot of hot water and an extra teacup.

.

P says he’s going through emails like crazy, it all feels effortless.

.

Lately, everything has been feeling effortless, meditating, reading at length, working out, I’m very curious to see what happens if I sit down and finally pervette.

.

I’m not gonna feel guilty for not pervetting for a week and a half.

I read that Da Vinci gave himself and would walk away from his work from time to time.

.

I don’t even know how to list all the yummy vegan things I’ve been eating, it’s insane how good the food is here.

Just the high vibing food alone makes it possible to live here for a long while.

I think any city/town/place that has high vibing food has the potential to grow and thrive.

.

 

What I ate/drank:

Breakfast: chlorella, spirulina, Sam-e, lemon water, mint tea, orange infused coconut water, a small salad with tons of walnuts at the Ritz

Lunch: moringa smoothie, jamu tonic, choco maca smoothie, clear kale salad, blackened fish taco, a few bites of the gluten free buckwheat pancakes at Clear Cafe

Pool Party Snacks: spirulina and goji balls, bits and pieces of a few kinds of oatmeal cookies from Buda Bali and Clear Cafe, the coconut meat of A12’s coconut, raw chocolate square

Strolling around town snacks: Turmeric jamu shot at Urth Cafe, 6 pieces of durian (I ate too much durian)

Dinner: sips of a too sweet horchata, sips of P’s berry mojito, sips of my lemongrass ginger margarita, rosella infused water, a little of each from the sampling platter with guacamole and chip, flauta, bbq cauliflower, quesadilla, and 1 1/3 yummy fish taco, some of P’s jackfruit medallion and some of A2’s coconut tostada at La Pacha Mama

What I bought: red ginger powder, turmeric powder, noni powder, a glass straw and cleaner, a blue see through ish mesh bag, 3 rolls of washi tape (green, pink and blue), 4 batteries, a wooden flute, a little drum, 6 more AA batteries, 3 school notebooks, a little booklet of Balinese Art and Culture,

 

 

Saturday, March 30, 2019 3:38pm

 

Dear U,

It’s truly another day in paradise.

.

I’m in my spot, in the bay window, in the suite. I thought I was gonna have the driver take me to Zest or Alchemy while P gets his 3pm massage, but when I realized I have this time to myself, with no one around. No buzzing energy. It felt too good to leave the room and enter a space with people around

.

I got that strong urge to do nothing but sit with my eyes closed.

.

I relaxed so hard I kinda drifted into a sitting nap.

.

Every day has a different and unique flavor, as more friends and friends of friends trickle in, the energy feels electric and vibey. Everyone here is interesting, living intentional lives with no real jobs, and relatively speaking all pretty successful in their careers, as entrepreneurs. It feels like we’ve all figured out a way to find our freedom, and being here together in Bali, meditating, exploring, going deep in conversations over super high vibing meals feels like a manifestation of our earned freedom.

.

I have so much to write about, these days are filled with so many note-worthy moments, I don’t know where to begin..

.

Maybe I’ll just list what I’m grateful for:

 

-That the 10:30am meditation with the guru is back since yesterday and it’s been amazing

-That a pretty renowned guru from India, for whom ashrams are built and people revere is staying at N’s villa and we get to sit and meditate with him daily

-That this guru gave each of us his blessing and he fast tracked us to the path of enlightnement

-That A2 is here and she’s asking around and seeing a new healer everyday to remove her intergenerational love curse. I like hearing her report.

-That I’m learning how to hold still, not react when P gets triggered and somehow he always comes around, sees himself more clearly and is more effusive about his appreciation and love for me.

 

 

 

Somehow my mind is having a conversation with P,

wanting to tell him that I don’t need him to tell me when to stop eating.

He says he’s saving me from myself.

I want to say thanks for your concern

And I will let you know when I need you to judge my consumption and tell me when to stop

In the same way I don’t tell him he should stop smoking, because I don’t think it helps.

We’ll figure out it out for ourselves.

And it could just be that we’re in a state of perpetual indulgence here and we want to consume and indulge guilt free and judgment free.

 

10:56pm

 

Highlights of the day:

.

Even though he was breakfast, I was in bed, I energetically felt tension in P from last night and the funk that he was in which he attributes to A3’s energy (A2’S friend).

But after some journaling, P arrived at some realization/release and started texting I love you to me and sent muppety pics of himself.

Tension, release.

.

No sex magick ritual or breakfast at the hotel in the morning.

I went out to explore Alchemy Cafe.

.

The hotel kept on not getting my request (3 times) for a car but it worked out because our driver from yesterday arrived earlier that requested was able to drive me to Alchemy Cafe.

.

I like the ambiance and little shop at Alchemy.

I got a psychic protection essential oil spray and

Mystical Sex roll-on

And some white kratom powder.

 

They ran out of wheatgrass, I got a super green juice with lime.

I had just enough time to get a to go drink then A2 and A3 swooped me up in their car (they were coming out of zest cafe, which was 4 min away) and we headed to N’s for the 10:30am meditation.

.

We were all wearing black short shorts and colored tops, it felt like we were 3 asian sisters gabbing about I can’t remember what

.

We arrived early, as they all sat on the sofa looking onto the pool chatting about A2’s report on her first healing experience.

I sat in the reclined chaise in front of the pool, removed from everyone, at times listening

But mostly watching the birds fly above in the sky, I felt like my meditation was beginning..

I was in a super zen blissfulstate.

.

I have to put pee on my neck and back, and put toothpaste on it and then roll a bottle of hot water on both spots

A2 is describing the directives the healer yesterday gave her.

I have to lick a peanut, do this with it (gesturing) and then put the peanut in my wallet.

.

The sit was half thoughts passing by and half present to the moment and my breath. It was shortish and blissful. My body was relaxed and barely there, I can feel the rhythm of my pulse.

.

The sounds were all folded into the sit. Cicadas, roosters, N’s 2 year old playing, going in the pool, splashing around, I love the soundscape to out open air meditation.

It still amazes me that we’re all meditating with guru-gi (sp?), The Snake Master, in this beautiful villa in Bali.

How lucky are we?

.

Instead of Bamboo Inda, we did Moksa instead.

.

P was super upset when I wanted to sit in the cool platform low table, indian style private area by the trees and garden. He wanted back support. But the chairs at the tables were so pedestrian to me.

Me, A2 and A3 were super stoked about landing then nicest spot to sit.

I told P if he wants, hin and his friend J can sit at the table and chairs nearby and us girls can do the tree platform ourselves.

He got triggered.

I wish you would check in with me about the seating arrangement. I want to go straight back to the hotel, P said in a agitated tone. I felt his super negative energy and tried to scooch closer to the girls..

P was been acting very weird about seating arrangement over lunch these past 3 days.

.

Within 15 minutes, he recovered, was sweet and lovey dovey again.

.

There was a cute little farmer’s market at Moksa, we were lucky we caught it since it’s a Saturday. After we ordered, I walked over to check it out. I was offered a new fruit to try, it was a cross between a lychee, passion fruit and tomatoe.

.

I got mangosteen’s and a slice of gluten free banana bread.

.

My thing at restaurants here, I like to order 2-3 drinks and 2-3 entrees and one side. I want to try everything.

.

After lunch, P was getting a massage. I hung back in the room and meditated and slightly napped.

.

When P came back, I went out with Cutie ad my books to Yellow Flower Cafe. The drier dropped me off as far as he can go.

.

I wandered and then found the magical mossy stairs to take to get to the cafe.

.

The walk in the dark to Sayan House

.

 

Just as we got in and got ready for bed, it started to rain, hard, with thunder and lightning.

What I put inside me: green juice with lime at Alchemy

For lunch: a piece of a mangosteen that I cut open and shared the rest with the whole group, the moksa sampler, a slice of the Mexican pizza. energizing charcoal cooler, the liver detox juice, the scraps of A2 and A3’s Laksa noodle soup, a bite of the gluten free bread and curry butter at Moksa

For snack: a piece of jackfruit and square of the phi Kind reishi chocolate at the hotel suite

turmeric medicinal coconut drink, flower infused water and kimchee at Yellow Flower

Dinner: 2 glasses of umesha shared wirth A3, a So Happy kombucha with gin, a Langosta taco, a piece of the prawn tempura sushi, a piece of the avocado roll, some of P’s yummy steak, and something tempura

Desert: yummy chocolate cake, matcha tiramisu with red bean, daifuki (mochi) with strawberry, green tea ice cream, white sesame ice cream,

Another day of amaznig yummy eating

2/3 of the yummy gluten free banana bread

Snack: piece of Phi Kind Reishi chocolate and a piece of jackfruit I got at the fruit store yesterday;  turmeric medicinal tonic, flower infused water and kimchee at Yellow Flower Cafe

Dinner: 2 glasses of Umeshu shared with A3, So Happy Kombucha with rum, La Langosta taco, a piece of the tempura prawn roll and the avocado roll, some of P’s tempura calamari and steak at Sayan House

Dessert: yummy chocolate cake, green tea ice cream, white sesame ice cream, daifuku with strawberries, matcha tiramisu,

 

Sunday, March 31, 2019 8:54am

 

Dear U,

It’s another day in paradise.

It feels silly to say something so cliche, again, but that’s what it feels like.

.

I’m at breakfast, by myself, writing to you. Maybe I’m feeling the micro dose.

.

I only have so many words in a day. I didn’t write in my physical journal this morning so that I can have these words for you.

.

I’m now good with intermittent fasting. I I have no appetite for breakfast in the morning.

.

In spite of ordering 5 deserts and cleaning all the plates last night at Sayan House, I feel not like a cow. Almost trim even, it could be the 34 min walk I had from Yellow Flower Cafe to Sayan House.

.

This morning, P and I had a good chat in bed when we woke up. He’s good on his feelings about A3. She’s just a normal girl with a normal job in finances, who’s getting married to a blue blood VC, and his parents has a house in the Hamptons. His hunches about her normal ness was confirmed by N last night, who when high, can be speak the truth more offensively then P, which amuses P greatly.

.

Left-leaning, virtue-signaling, 2nd tier something, I give them one more round of funding before they run out of money.

N sized up A3’s fiancee by looking at his photo and company profile

To her face

.

Asian women’s breasts are the most valuable per pound, N says.

.

In bed, P talked about how and why he got triggered over the seating preference at lunch yesterday.

It was the way I enlisted my friends (A2 and A3) to prefer that spot before consulting with him. I had already made up my mind.

.

He thought A2 might’ve said something to me when P was looking for another seat.

.

She did say,

We’re dominant women, we can decide for ourselves our seating preference

.

P thought that something shifted, because normally I wouldn’t be so adamant, he had a hunch A3 said something.

.

I told him it a combination of many things, but maybe that affected my steeliness a bit.

.

But we smoothed it all out. I heard him.

.

Yesterday in my journal at Yellow Flower, I wrote maybe being financially dependent challenges me to be more patient

.

P says he did get riled up knowing that he paid for all of this trip, the business class flights, the suite, the meals for us (and our friends), and if he wants to sit somewhere with back support…

I get it.

.

I take it as a positive.

It’s just more motivation to start making money.

.

I wrote in my journal yesterday morning, the more I can let go of “my preferences” the better off I’ll be.

(as that is the path to Enlightment)

And the seating preference hiccup was a good case in point.

.

Before P went to breakfast. I said there’s one more thing I’d like to bring up.

.

My eating is like your smoking.

And it doesn’t help to have you tell me when I should stop eating.

I appreciate your concern and I’ll let you know when I need to judge my consumption and tell me when to stop.

.

It took him a sec to take it in

You’re right. It doesn’t help. I think somehow you enlisted me from dinners at Gather.

I don’t think I ever asked for you to “save me from myself” but I’ll let you know when I need it.

And it could be that here in Bali, we want to indulge ourselves, and it’d be nive to do that without judgement and guilt.

.

He heard me.

It feels good to get that off my chest. And to be heard and understood.

Somehow, the analogy of eating to his smoking is what resonated with him.

I’m glad I gave myself some space to think that one through.

.

I’m not a fast responder, sometimes I wish I was. I can win debates if I was quicker.

But debates are not my thing anyways.

I need time and space to gather my thoughts and organize them.

.

A2 and A3 went to Semaniak to go shopping for the day. I decided to hang back. It feels too much social commitment.

.

I’m looking forward to the 10:30am sit with the guru, the yummy lunch after (I wanna try Sage), and maybe get some pervetting in..

.

 

.

 

Image above: The traditional balinese snack they brought with turn down service Monday night

Back to my previous week