Sunday, March 3, 2019 10:49 am

Berkeley, Moon Room

Dear U,

I’m sitting here on the biomat with a blanket in between my legs, just got done masturbating and creating this new page for this week’s journaling to you..

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Wait. Maybe I’m not done masturbating..

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11:33am

The Round Table

 

WOw, I masturbated some more, and then I shot straight up when I came. Something about my posture or the orgasm or both, it got me into this very present state.

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All before that, I was a little all over the place.  Another vivid dream last night, about TV shows this time. I met the star of one, who was MG (the guy I met right after I saw the walking documentary about him), who seem to be disapproving of my sister’s lack of focus, which I imagine is really an aspect of myself.

There was a woman who was on a reality show that exposed her sexual forays with these men she went out with on this dating show. There was a video of her in a leash and collar. She was humiliated. The judges on the show were all men, except for one token woman (blond and steely-eyed) who seem like a cog in the patriarchal game.

.

I googled “How long does it take to rebuild your gut flora after antibiotics”

P said it would take years. I highly doubt that. I think it’s weeks.

Google results says 1-2 weeks with probiotics.

Okay, that’s what I thought. I can’t wait to subtly impart that knowledge bomb to P.

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I do more research on how to rebuild gut flora, foods, to eat, I end up on the bulletproof website, listening to their most recent podcast, as I create a new Amazon wishlist entitled, Other Than Books.

To separate the things I want from all the books I want

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I read a little from two seemingly random Bold and Enigma Variations.

The former P used to have a copy of, the latter a birthday gift from E.

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It feels strange to not wake up with Cutie, she was with P2, I had given him 24 hours, from 4:44 yesterday to 4:44 today, to be with her.

She’s so grounding, I feel a little lost without her.

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I vacillate if I want to spend $357 on the Living and Writing Wild online writing seminar with Roger Housden again. Last time, I could barely keep up with the weekly writing assignments and feedback we have to give our classmates. What I really want are the writing prompts..

I go to his website, as it turns out he has a self-guided personal retreat (slightly different theme called Living Your Authentic Life) for $49 that comes with 6 weekly writing prompts.

I purchased it.

Wow.

I got what I wanted.

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To do list for this week:

-Chat with Z as we prep for the Decriminalize Prostitution gathering here on Friday

-Schedule dental visit

-Find backup stunt cock for gangbang this Saturday

-Clean out and organize closets

-Eat cleanly and rebuild gut flora

-Create Advice to Self pages for Pervette

-Make art from “my stuff”

-Get Pervette ready to be reviewed by the underwriter of Merchant focus, the credit card processing company whim I promised a year and  half ago that  I’ll have something for them to see any week now

-Get back to S2, E, D, and 30 others…

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The theme of this month is all about a deep cleanse. Getting organized and making space for newness and money to flow in.

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All my astrological horoscopes talk about money is the biggest theme for me this month. I need to upgrade my relationship to it.

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Anyways, I got scattered in a slightly productive way. But the masturbation, prayer, mini meditation, and this pot of tea that I just brewed with some fancy new tea I got for my birthday is all helping me slow down.

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It’s a gray misty day up here in the hill. A squirrel is walking by the open glass door.

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I can hear the birds chirping.

The magnolias and cherry blossoms are in full bloom.

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This week is all about getting myself into high gear.

It means taking care of myself, putting only the highest quality food in my body, getting lots of rest and being active, maybe adding some dancing and walking..

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Clean house and clean body

And clean computer

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S texts:

You have new admirers!

People are always amazed by you 🙂

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He’s talking about, C and H, the two sweet Japanese pro dommes I met yesterday.

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3:05pm

Wow. Since I last wrote to you, I was in a mindful trance.

Everything slowed down. I wrote out the steps of how to flow while I was in flow in Advice to Self

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It’s all about setting the space:

The giant nibble of chocolate mushroom (E made and gave to me),

The special reserve Taiwan Beauty tea that Z and her brother gave to me for my birthday, each sip slowed me down

I lit the incense K gave me for my birthday, it was so fragrant

I placed the large crustal quartz J and L got me for my birthday right next to Guan yin and this macbook

I placed the orgone K and M got me for my birthday, it’s supposed to heighten pleasure

I added drops of Wisdom, Entrepreneur Elixir, Abundance and Pleasure into my Rising Spring mineral water (a liter of which was given to me by A2 from the breakup bootcamp)

The project planner that I gave to my sister for x-mas which she gave back to me since she already had a digital one from her company.

The little wooden salt bowl Y gave me for my bday a few years held the initial 8 macadamia nuts I nibbled on mindfully

Everything at the table, every minute of it, was a gift.

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Unfold

Your own myth, without complicated explanation.

Rumi

Whether you succeed or not is irrelevant, there is no such thing. Making your unknown known is the important thing.

Georgia O’Keefe

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My breath is slow and steady, I ready the prompt that I just downloaded..

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Describe a moment or a time when you felt you were living your life in its fullness – as if you were living it again now. What were the qualities of the moment, the feelings and values associated with it? Remember to include physical details – where you were, who you were with, if anyone, even what you were wearing – this encourages you to immerse yourself in the experience more, rather than just describing it as a memory.

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I thought about writing the present moment I was in, of being here, all by myself, writing this..

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But then I thought if not now (because I always think I’m living life its fullest at every present moment) wWas there another moment?

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Then it quickly came to me..

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Funny how this scattered morning I had no idea how this day would go, and then all the pieces lined up for me to pervette..

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It feels so divine to go slow and let it flow..

The feeling is so visceral

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10:33pm

 

Dear U

It was a perfect day.

I masturbated, meditated, pervetted, ate well, went for a walk..

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P2 came over at 4:44 with Cutie.

They brought me a gift, a purple orchid they got at the park, for some reason they were selling orchids there.

It was lovely, I had the perfect pot and spot for it, on the shelf next to the kitchen island.

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P2 also brought 2 bottles of Draino (my bathroom sink has been clogged ever since the cleaners came the day after my bday)

And 2 DVD’s: Kiriostami’s 24 Frames and Hansen Love’s Things to Come

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P2 took Cutie to the bird sanctuary twice, yesterday and today. They watched the rest of the Kiriostami film, 24 Frames, together. Ps said Cutie liked it more than him.

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I asked P2 to bring the Hansen-Love film I’ve been so curious about since I read about her in the BAMPFA circular, which got P2 really into her since they were showing her films at the PFA and I’ve missed them all bc of the pervette launch and NY

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P2 cleared the drain, swept and took out the trash as I went for a walk.

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I look through P2’s color sample index. I decide on Santorini Blue (a semi-dark blue grey color) for the main guest room.

I’m going for a cozy cave feel.

P2 likes it too.

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I made us a salad and heated us up some soup.

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We popped in 24 Frames and started watching K’s super experimental last film. He died before it was finished. His son, whom I met, put it together and finished it, so to speak.

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P called in the middle of it. He was high and hyper. He’s been doing a ton of research on Puerto Rico and jets. He sees himself jetting around everywhere from Puerto Rico. It’s gonna super muppety and awesome, he says.

He’s also interested in taking us on the Belmond, this luxury oriental train ride through Southeast Asia. L and S are doing it. He thinks it’ll be super muppety.

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The Belmont is 5K per person. Whoa.

This upcoming trip to Bali/Asia is gonna be somewhere around 30K, he predicts.

.

It feels like every few months, P pours a ton of money into our mupp adventures:

60K for Burning Man in Sep

25K for House Decorating/My Bday Party in Feb

30K for Bali/Asia

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I thought I was gonna watch only 20 min of Things to Come, but it was so good I watched all of it..

 

What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, rising spring mineral water, big nibble of chocolate mushroom, Kokko Wellness Reserve Taiwan Beauty tea (B) and tiny nibbles as I write: macadamia nuts, walnuts, lemon roasted pistachios (all thoughtfully placed in a little wooden bowl (B));  veggie soup I made, organic ginger krass, pine pollen and honey (B), frozen banana bite (B), all items with (B) next to it was a birthday gift, more pistachios (uh oh I can’t stop), chaga tea (B), veggie and spinach salad I made for me and P2

 

 

Monday, March 4, 2019 10:52am

 

Dear U,

It’s such a curious thing. The weather, the moods, how it changes from moment to moment.

I woke up around 8 slightly hard on myself for staying up late (till 2) because I went down the Instagram rabbithole and fucked up my circadian rhythm with all the blue light from my screen.

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But at least I ended the night with a book, Leaving a Trace.

And my dream, which I can’t remember, was a good one, I think.

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I wrote out my morning pages.

I was on my phone, I had to reply to L to let her know we can’t make it next weekend for the Tony Robbins thing she got extra tickets for.

I animojied P. Last night’s call ended on a weird note. He was tired. And I said I googled how long it took to rebuild gut flora. He knew where I was going. And was too tired and slightly agitated to engage.

Something about the tone of goodbyes really effects me. Must be an empath thing.

My lil mupps animoji kinda fixed that.

I need to write about the secret of lil mupps. She can disarm anyone.

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I don’t know why, I opened up IG again. I guess I wanted to find the latest account of @plaaastic

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I found out last night that she really did kill herself, for reals this time.

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Her newest account is @nitenite99

So many comments on her death..

Wait, she has another account: @g0ds0dds

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Her art was so telling..

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Her videos are creepy, her new look is gasmask

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I wish I reached out to her when I found out months ago that she wasn’t dead. I could’ve through IG.

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From one Vietnamese sister to another..

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I did a few kundalini exercises and squats in the orgy room, facing the round mirror and jumped on the silk.  That was a good call. To get the blood flowing.

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I wrote out in my project planner what I was going to do today.

Masturbate/Meditate/Read Pervette

Get back to J, S, G, J, L , J

Find Stunt cock for Gang Bang

Get bone broth, probiotics, lemons, avocados, and spinach

Dryer Fixer Guy coming 12-3

Aerial class 6-7:30

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It felt good to write it all out.

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I noted yesterday, in my line a day: Fast to slow, Your Authentic Self (the name of the self guided writing retreat I bought) and Movie Nite. I got to color in a blue line, a pink line and a yellow line, since I meditated, pervetted, and ate well.

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I’m determined to meditate and exercise 20 min a day

That way I can color in my box green (for exercise) and blue (for meditation) project planner.

That seems so easy to do. Just 20 min a day. At least.

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It was gray and cloudy, and then all of a sudden, the sun came out and the kitchen and nook and shrine were lit up. I felt like I was 4, at home on a sunny weekday. It was that same sunny light coming through.

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I decided to read Leaving a Trace with my masturblanket between my legs on the biomat. The reading got my writing juices flowing. I want to add more to the Advice to Self page. When I reached the end of the chpater, I decided to masturbate even though I wasn’t feeling it, but I figure it’s good to get everything flowing.

It was a good call.

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I prayed, meditated with the sun pouring in. Noting how my mood just shifted with the sun coming out.

My concentration was deepening, I saw the blue dot. I could’ve meditated longer but I wanted to write to you..

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I set the table: tea, quartz, Cutie, flute, pervette egg, incense planner..

 

Then I pulled out the box of iridescent mushrooms J and L gave me for my birthday last year. They were so pretty I didn’t want to touch them so I haven’t until today.

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I took s a tiny tiny nibble.

Just to go with the theme of being surrounded by my birthday gifts..

 

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Okay, time to add more to Advice to Self.

Eventually each “part” will have it’s own page..

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3:47pm

I pervetted on the advice to self page on the feel amazing in your body section. This is truly advice to self. I feel like now that I’ve written it out, I have to follow it myself, which I am, but every now and then I slip.

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The domain broker emailed saying he haven’t heard from the owner of perv.org on my offer of 444. He suggested raising my bid to at least 800. Which I did.

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I made a salad, ate it mindfully, did the dishes tidied up the kitchen (finally).

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The eastern European dryer fixer man was sweet, I tipped him and he found a cap in his van to put on my gas valve, since there was no cap on it, which he said was dangerous.

.

 

Paid the water bill, and credit card bill, mailed check to dad, schedule a dental cleaning on April 23, scheduled for heater maintenance this Thursday, crossing things off list day.

.

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I chat with P. He says he actually had a dinner with the founder of a company he invested in for this Saturday so it turned out he couldn’t make it to the gangbabg anyways.

Which is great bc I can tell J P can’t make it because he really does have to be in LA this Saturday, not because he (might) have the clap.

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Texted J, the friend who’s hiring me to organize the gangbang this Saturday, that I can come over on Thursday at 6 to lock him up, and that P is gonna be in LA this Saturday, so I’m looking for another well-endowed stunt cock for this Saturday.

Got it. Can you talk? he replies.

I call him 15 min later. He just picked up his 6 year old daughter so we talk about the gangbang in vague terms..

He says he and B are gonna be in LA Sun-Tue so we can also do something there.

And he’s open to anything this Saturday and how it unfolds..

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I’ve been texting back and forth with an aerial classmate, A. the tissu class got postponed but the regular aerial class is still going on at 6. Even though I told A I’m going tonight, I can’t fully see myself there.

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Maybe I’m supposed to be somewhere else? I check the Berkeley Art Museum PFA calendar. Is there a film showing tonight I should catch?

No there’s a talk at 6:30 with a African American science fiction writer, Nnedi Okorafor, in conversation with a Cal English professor on the potential of technology and its intersection with nature

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This feels like Pervette research

“If we human beings, with our rather brilliant, often flawed, sometimes evil creativity, joined forces with our creator (nature), as opposed to trying to control it and treat it like our slave, imagine the wonders we could create. If we worked with nature, we’d also avoid being the target of nature’s epic wrath. This is why when I write about technology, I naturally (pun intended) go in the direction things are already going, i.e. organic.”

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The heater has been on, the house right now feels too warm and stuffy, I’ve been housebound all day yesterday and today, I need to get out. It’s 4. The aerial class is at 6. The talk is at 6:30. I’m feeling the talk more, to be honest. Maybe I can go for a walk, reply to people, make some calls, then catch the talk and go grocery shopping after?

11:44pm

So..

Before I left the house, 5 of my books arrived

Long Story Short

Play

All About You

Design of Storytelling

and

You Will Be Able to Draw When You Finish This Book

.

I was going to bring all 5 books with me on this intuition drive/walk

Then I came to my senses and narrowed it down to 3.

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I packed my yoga pants in case I decide to go to the aerial class.

I like the optionality

Even though my gut is telling me don’t be indoors at 6pm.

Stay outside as long as you can

I brought Cutie along, of course.

Maybe she’s the one telling me what to do?

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I drove in a loop, sometimes I don’t where I’m going until I get there.

I drove down the hill, down Durant

Once I reached Shattuck, I made a right

And a left on to Oxford, there were plenty of parking

So I park close to the BAM

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I ate the rest of the lemon pistachios in the car, who knows when dinner will be

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I get out and start walking, kids are flowing out of class and campus

The air was crisp but not too cold

It was perfect walking around weather

Oh my god, it feels so good to be walking along a magic hour-lit path around and on  campus

With all these curious minds buzzing around all around, the energy is electric

.

As a sapiosexual empath, I’m soaking it all up..

.

So much more to write…

 

 

 

What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, tiny nibble of bday mushroom, macadamia nuts and 2000 petrichor bday tea, sensibly sized spinach salad, 2 bday frozen banana bites, lemon pistachios,  2 squares of phi dark chocolate (while in BAM) jalapeno beef bone broth, sauerkraut ( a light eating

 

What I spent money on: 300 on fixing the belts and idolator(?) of the dryer; 10.91 on Ocodafor’s lastest sci-fi book, Binti; 160 on bone broth, probiotics, krass,

 

Tuesday, March 5, 2019 1:35pm

 

Dear U,

It’s been a very meditative

and mastubatory morning in many senses.

I’ve been laying on the biomat, masturbating in between sessions of filling out the

All About Me. book

I’m a little more than half way through.

I paused to eat the rest of my veggie soup, pray, meditate.

I thought I was going to pervette this morning, but I didn’t.

I’m not going to let that guilt hamper my intuition.

I want to go out again, walk around campus.

.

I just checked the Berkeley Arts and Design website

There’s a wickapedia edit-a-thon going on right now.

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Wikimedia’s race and gender trouble is well-documented. While the reasons for the gap are up for debate, the practical effect of this disparity is not: content is skewed by the lack of participation by women and underrepresented groups. This adds up to an alarming absence in an important repository of shared knowledge.

Let’s change that. Join us in 405 Moffitt Library on Tuesday, March 6 between 12noon-5:00pm for an all day communal updating of Wikipedia entries. We will provide tutorials for the beginner Wikipedian, reference materials, and refreshments. Drop in any time; trainings take place at 12:30 & 2:30.

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Traning frmo 12:30-2:30?

It’s 1:39, I gotta go..

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When I get back I’ll tell you about last night, how my intuition led me to magic..

 

7;19pm

Dear U,

I just got back.

Holy fuck.

I didn’t microdose or smoke today, but yet I feel like I’m crazy high.

I think it’s from being on campus

surrounded by the energy of intellectual curiosity and hope.

My mind is buzzing..!

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Around 1:09 when I was saying my prayer at my altar, I felt like I can sink into a deep meditation if I wanted to, but something was pushing me to leave the house.

.

I went on the computer went back to the Berkeley Arts and Design website I discovered last night after the Okorafor talk (it was A+D that put on the lecture series I was at yesterday).

I remember something going on today at Moffit library on campus

.

Oh right, it was the wikipedia edit-a-thon, I want in on that..

And that was my excuse to leave the house.

I also saw there was a Michael Pollan talk on his book

How to Change Your Mind

at 5pm at Doe Library.

You had to get ticket in advance for that.

It was sold out.

Drats.

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I packed some macadamia nuts, water, Cutie, my recorder and notebook.

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I parked, paid, and walked to Moffit

I still have my Cal student ID that I can use to get in

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I love the feeling of sneaking in, or shape-shifting to fit into the environment.

I’m a card-holding grad student, again.

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I asked the girl at the service center where the wikipedia edit-a-thon was. She said she wasn’t sure but all events usually happen in conference room 405, which is strait back.

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I love how they redid the library, the first floor is a giant hangout/get work done open space with kids on laptops, it was the designated buzzy floor, chatting was permitted.

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There were signs for the edit-a-thon, I found, 405. And signed in, made a name badge, notated with a red dot on my badge to not have my photos taken and went in.

Do you have a laptop with you?

Oh shoot, I don’t.

If you’re a student you can loan one.

Oh good to know. I’ll go in and get settled in first.

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An Asian girl was on her way out and chatting with one of the people at the sign in table. She said she had to set up for the Michael Pollan talk. I asked if there were anymore tickets available.

She said no, but they are letting the first 70 non-ticket holders in. It might just mean you have to stand. It’s first come first serve.

Oh, good to know.

.

I went in room 405, sat down to a chatty table.

An Asian girl and trans Asian was chatting with a white and round trans person with blue lipstick.

.

I asked the Asian girl, whom I learned worked at Wikimedia, how to edit on wikipedia, she starts giving me a tutorial, but then the training began (which was a powerpoint slideshow given by someone with a red handkerchief around her neck), so we quieted. I listened, took pictures and notes..

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I approached the gal giving the training afterwards on her process and she was forthcoming with her answers. She’s just currently adding citations. She created a Maylis Belle wikipedia page, she said that was tough. She showed me her process of adding citations, by going through the Modern Women (?) book first..

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There was a table of books on art and feminism. I picked up a book I’ve seen multiple times at bookstores recently, Art of Feminism and started flipping through.

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An older rotund and smiley Asian woman asked how I was doing. I said I’m completely new, where should I start. She showed me her process.

What’s something you’re interested in, she aksed.

Sexworkers’ Rights.

She showed me how to find pages on Sexworkers’ Rights and how to edit..

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She also lent me a laptop.

Everyone there was so friendly and ready to help.

It felt nice to jump right in, learn and be a part of it all.

.

I created a wikipedia account, pervette wasn’t taken.

I found a wikiproject on Sexuality and Sexwokers.

I found pages that could be edited and learned about so many other SW related things like

John School

Mistress Matisse.

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I wanted to edit Princess Donna’s page but I didn’t know what to add factually or citation-wise.

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I ended up editing Karley Sciortino’s page, I added the Viceland Slutever show link, that was easy.

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It was 4:09pm by the time I was done with my first edit. I ought to go if I wanna slide into the Michael Pollan talk.

In less than 2 hours, I had set up wiki account, learned how to edit on it, chatted with 3 knowledgeable and super helpful people and made an edit to a friend’s page. And I’m now somewhat connected to the Art and Feminism group

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I returned my laptop, got the wikimedia gal’s info, and the other Asian woman (who was a librarian) introduced me to the current librarian in the Ed Dept.

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I started chatting with the guy behind me, a recent graduate who looked at financial inclusion, which I was very much interested in because as a SW, we are not financially included.

Regulatory sandbox..

.

He held my place in line while I refed the meter, got some macadamia nuts out of the glove compartment, and peed.

.

We were let in to the Morrison room at 4:45. I walked up to the front-ish area where the speakers were sitting.

Is this seat taken? I asked.

It was a nice brown leather chair with armrests, situated right up front diagnoally from where Michael Pollan was to be seated.

No, there’s no reserve sign, so you can take it.

(Wow. I can’t believe I snagged the best seat in the house. Again.)

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I pulled Cutie out and kicked off my sneakers and sat Indian style with my notebook on my lap, Cutie by my side and my recorder on the arm

.

I was in knowledge sponge heaven. Again.

.

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There were many interesting points.

Too many to write down..

.

Like how if you meet any well-known American Buddhist today, there’s a high chance he was a psychonaut in his early days, like Jack Kornfield.

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That’s true. So was Gil Fronsdal, I thought.

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I got the courage to raise my hand for the what I thought was the last question, but Dacher said he’s afraid they had to stop there, but I can ask him my question at the book signing.

.

So I got in line for the book signing. I already have a hardcopy of How to Change Your Mind. But I didn’t bring it with me since I didn’t think I was gonna be here.

.

I got another hardcover copy of

How to Change Your Mind for $28.

Just so I can ask Michael Pollan my question..

 

 

.

 

I also bought the book of the professor, Dacher Keltner,  in conversation with Pollan, The Paradox of Power. What he’s studying is super interesting.

I had him sign my book and asked if I can drop in on his class.

He says sure, his class is Mon, Wed 10-1.

.

Some guy asked me if I got to ask Michael my question, I said yes.

We started chatting, or he did mostly.

He thinks there’s a correlation between obesity and opiate epidemic.

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I held the door open for Dacher and Michael on our way out. It’s raining.

I’m glad I brought my umbrella. With my two new books in my arms, I walked back to the car in the rain, buzzing..

.

Now I know why I love the city Berkeley, and why I’m so drawn to it.

Even though I know LA is a way cooler city. There’s something about Berkeley that keeps me here. Now I know. It’s the school. It’s little universe city.

It’s the high concentration of innovative thinking. I’m here to connect with these brains..

This is all part of the Pervette process…

.

I get home. P facetimes as I’m journaling to you.

We decide no on the Belmont train. We looked over the itinerary. It feels like a glorified cruise on land. And the room is 9X9 ft. It’s 10K. Not worth it. And we mupps like spaciousness in all senses, which was not this..

.

I ask P how the nasa doc was.

I tell him that with all this research, obession with the moon I’m pretty certain he’s going to go on the moon at some point.

He smiles at the the thought.

.

He says this Puerto Rico single private jet is really growing on him.

Me too, I said.

.

He reminds me that I don’t have to limit myself to 90days in US cap, just him, since we’re not married or anything.

All the more reason to not get married and have kids.

.

He says he’ll definitely do it if he reaches the 25M mark.

Giving 10M away to taxes does seem crazy.

.

Which will go to what? Bombs, borders, and the war on sexworkers (masquerading as the war on sex trafficking)..

.

P and I talk about this week. Yesterday or the day before, he talked about coming up Thursday. I told him that I’m feeling it would be nice to have more space/time apart to create and I’ll be busy with the decrim prostitution gathering and gangbang. He says he’s feeling into it too and maybe it would be good to not come up just yet..

Besides I haven’t touched the closet explosion downstairs and..

.

I’m losing steam journaling. I haven’t even told you about last night..

.

 

Theme: Dropping in last minute to talks/lectures on Cal campus; Buying books and having authors sign them; connecting with strangers and absorbing knowledge; intuition drives and walks (all leading me to BAMPFA/Cal;

 

What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, tulsi gotu kola tea, last of the veggie soup, tiny spoon bee pollen honey, macadamia nuts, a few sips of the complimentwry coffee they had at the wiki edit-a-thon along with the Phi Kind dark chocolate bar (so yummy), mix of olives, sauteed kale shitake mushroom, sauerkraut, and beef bone broth (really clean eating day)

 

Wednesday, March 5, 2019 8:44am

 

Dear U,

Where does the day go?

.

It was a slow foggy morning.

It might’ve bee the 4-5 sips of coffee I had yesterday at the wiki edit-a-thon that wiped me out this morning.

I did my morning pages.

.

I vacillated if I wanted to go to another author talk, Joyce Carol Oates on her new book, The Hazards of Time Travel. It was a dystopian scii-fi novel. Now that Okorafor turned me on to sci-fi, I’m curious. It’s . about a girl who gives a racy valedictorian speech and gets transported back in time. I can sorta relate to the valedictorian? It was at 12:30. I’m supposed to meet with B at 12:22. Maybe I can have him come earlier at 11:11 and we can go together?

Then I Amazone reviewed her book, it got terrible reviews, the protagonist girl doesn’t really make any choices, things just happen to her. That sounds terrible. I’m glad it sucks, now I can stick to my original plans.

.

When I brushed my teeth, I made a note to reach out to K, a friend of a friend who’s a rope bondage expert and has organized/been in gangbangs before.

He might be perfect for this Saturday.

.

I texted K.

Hey K! It’s __ here. I hope you’re well. I’m organizing a mini gangbang this Saturday night and thought of you. Are you free to tie a Cutie friend of mine and fuck her?

It’s been years since we’ve spoken. I’ve heard from a close friend, L,  he’s been ostracized from the kink community #metoo stuff

L feels like it was exaggerated by the girl.

.

I sure an around, K replies..

.

I laid down.

I called J back.

He said I don’t need a black guy in the gangbang anymore.

They have someone from Blacked (the porn series?) lined up in LA.

That makes my search easier.

I tell him that I have a rope bondage guy who would be great.

J asks if I can get a photographer too.

Sure..

.

I text C to see if she’s available to shoot that night.

She’s down.

.

And as I’m writing to you

D replied, she’s in.

A kink.com director/porn star, rope bondage master, a smut pornopgrapher, a hunky tall Asian gangbang veteran, and me.

This is shaping up quite nicely.

.

Anyways, after I laid down for a minute.

I tidied up the house because B was coming over. He was gonna pick up all the glass candle holders and bondage gear and toys he lent for the birthday party, and I was gonna make us lunch, a hearty salad.

.

I showered. Last time I showered was Saturday?

.

B comes over at 12:44. I made us just the right amount of salad, we had more than enough, but not so much that it hurt. I’m learning how to portion control.

We had the frozen banana bites he made. I had 3, he had 1. I ate it his second one.

.

I asked him to show me hot to cut out objects in photoshop, we tinkered together. I practiced cutting out The Story of O book and got the hang of it.

.

I gave him a check for 333.33 for the cost of the food he bought for the bday party.

.

He gathered his things and was off to Yosemite.

.

The sun came out.

I could work on Pervette or go to the Friend of Library bookstore and find a book on Buddhist Art that I can cut out of to make collages (I was inspired last last week when I was at BAM in their zine/flyer/collage making corner).

.

So I went out and instead of 1 book. I got 13.

For $23.

I feel a little sick that I bought more books than I intended

Esp during this week of purging

but they were ALL interesting books.

And all together they cost less then the one Michael Pollan book that I got yesterday so I can get it signed (even though I already have a copy). Anyways the $28 was the cost to ask Michael Pollan my question.

.

I recognize that I have this tendency to justify the books I’m currently buying in relation to what I just spent money on prior. And it always in my mind feels like a great deal/investment relative to what I bought before.

.

So here are the books I got:

Sex, Death, and other Distractions (there’s a second person erotic story in there that caught my attention, you know ow I love 2nd person narrative)

The Art of Sexual Magic

Tibetan Magic and Mysticism

Education of the Heart

Open Heart, Open Mind

Radical Love: An Approach to Sexual Spirituality

Love is the Fire: The Sufi’s Mystical Journey Home

As Above So Below

Buddha: The Intelligent Heart

Buddha: His Life and Teachings (by Osho)

.

Do you notice that they have a slight running thread from one to another?

That was totally random.

.

It got grey and windy by the time I left the closing bookstore..

.

I went to the Lumbini Buddhist Art Gallery because I saw the other night walking back from Cornerstone that it was closing. Mandalas up to 50% off.

I bought one a year and a half ago there.

The onwer has happy to see me.

He says he’s closing shop at the end of the year, and going to Nepal to a retreat to meditate for 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days..

He says he just feels called to even though business is great.

There’s a woman in Sacramento who’s interested in buying his shop.

.

I felt like he was trying to spin this as a positive thing, when the reality is prolly that he can’t make rent in downtown Berkeley selling mandalas.

.

He asks me to remind him about my work. I told him I’m a dominatrix. He wanted to learn more, do I have a website?

.

He pulls out and unfurls a mandala of a Vajra yogini or Dakini..

I write those words down.

I like the the symbolism in the piece, but I don’t think I would ever put that in my house, even if it represents the work that I do, according to him.

.

I use him bathroom, There’s no toilet paper, I use the inner cardboard toilet paper holder and my panties.

I take some pictures of the mandalas I like of Green Tara

The ones I like are about 7K-12K. A little steep.

I tell him that I’ll show my partner these.

He asks if my partner does what I say,

I said no, not so easily, we communicate well though.

It’s my third interaction with the owner

he seems spiritual and well-intentioned.

But now I’m detecting just the slightest bit of sell-sy

Which I’m allergic to.

I tell him I’ll be back before he’s gone..

.

I go to 3 Stone Hearth.

T, the leader of our Burning Man camp comes up to me

He’s happy to see me and thinks we should all hang out.

He seems so friendly compared to how he was at Burning Man

Completely stressed because everything was outta control, and kinda out of his control

.

I talk to Z on the phone about the decrim gathering while at 3 Stone.

She wants us to pool our client resources to help cover the food costs. I told her I got snacks and drinks covered. She wants real food. She doesn’t want to ask for help from black and latina SW. She talks about how at some Sw gathering in Toronto, the white and Indo Sw chipped in more because they were the more privileged SW or something. Something about this divide within POC (person of color) talk just doesn’t feel right to me. Maybe because I’m categorized as a  “privileged person of color” and I have more financial responsibility because of it. I dunno. I sense judgement that I should be doing more in the food dept.

.

Z has always struck me as needy. It’s because she is. She’s always struggled with money for as long as I’ve known her. I try to give when I can. When I see her I like giving things to her, like clothes, kitchenware, my old car. She’s always grateful.

I feel like she has some strange relationship to money and herself such that she is always struggling.

.

I don’t know if it’s because I am “privileged” now but I feel like self proclaimed people of color are very divisive. And there’s something about the us vs. them separation that just doesn’t feel right. And I think it’s that mentality that holds them back from ever feeling included. It’s because they have in their own mind excluded themselves by excluding the privileged as not them. Therefore they will never be privileged in their own minds. Could it be that they created their own self limiting belief? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t get it because I’m Asian.

.

I pick up the soup and bone broth I ordered from 3 Stone and went home.

Heated up my chicken soup.

Chat with P.

Japan is crazy pricey first week of April. Cherry blossom season.

I’m open to other places.

I’ve been thinking of Hainan, where t he largest statue of Guanyin exists.

.

I sign in to the webinar hosted by the founder of Phi Kind chocolates.

I went on to their website yesterday after really enjoying their chocolate bar yesterday while I was editing Karley’s wiki page.

The founder seems earnest in spreading knowledge about gut health.

And I saw he was hosting a webinar on guy health. I though it was the coolest thing he was spending his time dispensing this info for free.

.

The webinar turned out to be a pitch for his gut heath education modules/books he’s selling. I should’ve known something was up when he was spending 30 min on his story/journey and the testimonials of people he helped, like his mom, gf, and friend/doctor. There was somethinh about his language. Don’t you want to feel amazing? Free of brain fog?  God I hate sellsy.

.

Instead of seeing it as wasted time. I can see it as affirmation of what not to do. I don’t want to sell (out).

Today’s theme, when people can smell your business plan, you’re fucked.

.

I know I should be creating content on Pervette.

.

I’ve been getting wanderlust around campus.

You can call it procrastination.

I’ll call it inspiration

To make myself feel better.

.

I still have tomorrow…

.

Tonight. I will read my new books.

.

This week I got

5 books on Amazon,

3 books signed by authors and

13 books at the Friends of Library bookstore

= 21 books in 4 days.

.

Yep. I have a book buying addiction.

.

Right now I’m listening to Yo-Yo Ma play Bach Suite No 2 in D minor

Because this is what Michael Pollan was listening to when he was on shrooms

.

I still have to tell you about Monday night’s highlights.

.

 

Things I put inside me: acv, probiotics, mineral spring water (I forget to list this daily, lemon water, salad I made for me and B, 3 banana bites, macadamia nuts, walnuts, phi kind chocolate cherry almond truffle, 3 stone hearth whole jar of chicken, chard, asparagus soup; olives, sauerkraut, pecorino cheese, Living raw Almond Avalanche Truffle, dandelion tea. (I felt like the 3 banana bites really sent my body into a craving carbs/sugar mode)

 

I spent: $23 on 13 books. $76 on 2 jars of bone broth, 1 jar of chicken soup, 1 jar turmeric broth, 1 jar of Moroccan beef skillet at 3 Stone Hearth

 

Thursday, March 7, 2019 2:04pm

 

Dear U,

I woke up this morning remembering the parts of of my 4 part vivid dream, one part had to do with the gathering. I wrote it all out.

I also wrote I’m feeling determined.

.

I wrote out everything I need to do next on Pervette and for the DecrimSF gatering and Domme retreat.  It just flowed.

.

I thought about what Z said. I should reach out and see if my subs want to support this gathering by contributing to the food cost. What’s my hangup? Asking?

Or was it the tone of her ask?

.

A texted, he tested positive for the clap.

Good to know..

(I was secretly hoping he didn’t have it so I can be all like,

Hey P, I got this from you and side bitches..)

.

M had texted me out of the blue.

I’ve never met her in person, only spoken to her and heard her intense story

I told her it was uncanny, because I’m creating a Domme retreat and somhow it feels perfect for her.

She said she’s in.

.

I texted M, A, and J. Three sub clients. About the Decrim garthering tomorrow and if they would like to help support by covering the cost of food, which was $200

.

Both M and A responded at the same time with sponsoring 100 each. So perfect.

M was gonna drop off the 100 tomorrow, A asks for me to cover him and he will get the money to me next week when I see him in my dungeon. I said okay.

.

I checked my bank account.

I have $54.

Holy fuck. I spent all my money on books and soup.

.

Atlas Heater to do the maintenance on the heater.

.

I emailed Q about the Domme retreat. I’ve been meaning to for weeks.  Somehow the thought of having her at the retreat feels so right. I think she’ll get a lot out of it and I just love her energy and presence. And also I like the idea of her witnessing the beginning of all this..

.

I Facetime P. I told him A tested positive. He says good to know. He says he knows this is fucked up but he hopes he doesn’t have it so he can give me shit for being a dirty lil slut.

I like how we both have the same secret thoughts.

.

I told him about the $54 in my bank account.

Umm mupps, can I borrow some money and I’l pay you back after I get paid out for the gangbang this weekend?

He laughs at my mupp predicament.

He says sure, we’re in this together.

I told him hopefully this will be the last time I ask him.

.

We talk about Bali. Japan in out bc it’s crazy expensive and I’m cool with that. Do we want to stay for 2 or 3 weeks?

.

I tell him about the gangbang situation and how it’s shaping up and how perfect it was that he tuned into and knew to bow out.

He was appreciative of the space and optionality I gave him.

.

The heater guy comes up, I hang up on P, he asks to use the bathroom, I lead him to the downstairs hallway bathroom. As I turn on the lights I see a 5 giant dildos (washed) and 3 strap-ons next to the sink.

Wait one second, I said as I threw a towel over the cocks, Here you go!

.

There’s a lot to coordinate. the universe seems to know how to time this, because somehow I have the gusto to manage it all right now.

.

I check my Susan Miller daily horoscope:

You might feel concerned about finances, but if that happens, it’s likely because you’ve recently discovered a wrinkle in your budgeting.

.

The wrinkle= I buy too many books

.

M text, she says the $795 cost of the Domme retreat is out of her budget

.

A and I decided on the lowest rate possible to make this retreat doable. She did say women have a hard time investing in themselves when it comes to these sorts of things.

.

A thought came to me, inspired by Z. I told M I’ll see if I can find someone who can  sponsor half of the cost for her.

.

It’s 3pm. Even thought is’s sunny outside, and I think there’s a special custom made shaman rattle waiting for me to pick it up at the post office, I feel like staying in and pervetting..

8:44pm

Well, I stayed in and created the Reality Hunger book page.

Those book cutouts you see, I learned how to do that yesterday.

.

I went outside for a walk around sunset. It was gray and chilly, but it felt amazing to get up and walk. I was fully present, the scenery was electric green and glowing, I felt slightly high

.

I cooked dinner. A stir-fry of kale, mushrooms, carrots and the mediterranean beef I got at 3 Stone Hearth.

.

I’m proud of myself for cooking all my meals this week.

.

I feel like the frozen chocolate banana bites are my weakness, when I eat them I can feel myself having sugar cravings for the rest of the day.

.

P wired me 1K, even thoughI asked for 600. That was very nice of him.

.

I should be tidying up the house, putting the cushions inside the pillow covers I have 30 or so.

.

I should tidy up the closet explosion downstairs

.

I should call mom and ask her when I was born, did anybody hold me?

.

If I can create a new Pervette page at least every other day, I would feel good about myself.

.

Cutie has been hanging out by the pink tulips all day. They match her sweater.

.

Next week I have sessions Tue, Wed, Thu, and Fri

.

I think I did a decent job of relishing my free days Sun-Thu.

.

I thought more about my resistance to Z’s request yesterday and how judgey I got. I think she got my defenses up by categorizing me as “privileged” and this was the right thing for me to do. Or at least that’s what she was insinuating.

In the end, she might’ve been right. It only took me 15 min to ask and I did receive.

.

I need to question my resistance and judginess, more often.

.

Oh, if you scroll up back to Tuesday, you’ll find a link to a video of me asking Michael Pollan my question.

.

I wish I had more time and energy to fill in my journal with more pics, audio, and video, I mean I’m swimming in it..

.

It’s 9:40pm, I stopped eating at 8pm.

.

God, I want chocolate.

.

 

What I put in me: acv, lemon water, microdose/nibble of shrooms, macadamia nuts, chaga + dragon herbs blend tea, superfood salad I made with the usual (walnuts, blueberries, avocado, duck egg, pecorino cheese), Living Raw almond chocolate truffle, 2 frozen chocolate banana bites, pecorino cheese, macadamia nuts, walnuts, a stir-fry of mushroom, kale, carrots and 3 stone hearth mediterranean beef that I sauteed for dinner, macadamia nuts, walnuts, probiotic krass, a drink I made mixing lemon juice, apple cider vinegar and sparkling water (it tasted like kombucha!)

Money I spent: $228 on heater maintenance

 

Friday, March 8, 2019

DecrimSF Gathering

 

Time to clean up my mupp mess and prepare the house for guests

.

I blow off the leaves around the deck and hottub, and make sure the tub is heating

.

I do the laundry, tidy up the kitchen

Behind the glass jars in the pantry is a vintage 2004 bottle of Dom Perignon.

Maybe tonight’s the night, it feels right.

I pull it out of it’s fancy black box and put it in the fridge.

.

I start combing through the right side of my walk-in closet and start pulling out dresses I know I will probably never wear, about 40 of them. They’re all cutesy and part of the slutmuppet look I was into for the longest time, up until 2 years ago. Blue, red, gold, pink, green, I used to be into color. Now it’s all black head to toe.

I hang the mupp dresses nicely in the clothing rack in the guest room, coordinating some by color, making them presentable for the girls to pick through.

.

 

By mupp mess, I mean things that I tend to surround myself with like: books, notebooks, colored pencils, pens, tape, receipts and random pieces of paper I’ve collected to read later, dried flowers..

.

P’s wire came through, I now have a 1K in my my bank account.

I venmo Z the 200 for her to order the food for the gathering.

In a way P fronted the money since I have yet to get the cash from M and G in time.

.

At 12:30 M drops off the 100 for the food, he drove all the way here from work during his lunch to make the special delivery, with his classic sweet adoring smile.

I can’t wait to her how it goes, he says.

.

I stuff 20 or pillow cushions into the pillow covers I got back from the dry cleaners last week.

(I got all the pillow covers dry-cleaned after the bday sex party)

And arranged them nicely on the sofa in the orgy room.

.

I had asked Z if I can invite 2 POC (person of color) SW (sexworker).

She said it’s best for the initial meetings to keep it to the core group.

.

Yesterday I asked Z if we had 10 min for me to do the Futurist exercise Three Horizons.

She said she consulted with K, and it feels like the agenda is pretty packed already.

.

I’m having conversations with Z, in my head

How I feel like I’m seen as the privileged other, how my voice and ideas don’t seem to matter, I’m just the SW with the giant house and access to subs.

How I feel like I’m opening my home to include others, and yet I feel excluded, like I’m not really part of the conversation other than the logistics of what they need from me, place and food..

.

I’m certain it’s not intentional, and Z is doing the best she can to organize everyone and everything.

And I know the feeling that I’m being used is 100% in my head.

Because I did frame it from the initial conversation that I’d be happy to host and ask my subs to help pitch in for food.

But somehow when Z came back to me with a language that felt “off.” Like this was expected of me since I’m the privileged POC SW, I felt myself resisting.

.

It’s all ego.

I thought about doing DMT before everyone arrived, so I can dissolve this ego that’s clearly on its trip.

.

But I had no time.

.

I pushed all the bins in the hallway into the shoe closet

I managed to put the whole house in order

.

I showered, got ready.

.

The first person to arrive was J, the only man in our gathering, he’s the political activist who has deep knowledge in campaigning, he’s African American, a first grade school teacher. Great positive energy, and thoughtful, he even brought his own painter’s tape to tape up the his easel pad posters.

I welcomed in, got him some water and he started setting up his projector in the orgy room.

.

Then Z, N, and K arrived with the food and honey mama’s and bubbles.

.

 

P sent me an animoji at 4:14, I didn’t check it because I was too busy hosting..

.

The vintage bottle of Dom Perignon.

What I put inside me: acv, a small hearty salad I made for lunch, walnuts, macadamia nuts, plantain chips, sweet potato awesome chips, a few paleo puffs, chaga tea, kombucha; green beans, chicken, salad, a smidge of rice and black beans from Limon (dinner with the group), 2 chocolate frozen banana bites, some honey mama’s, a glass of Dom Perignon, blueberries,

Saturday, March 9, 2019, 11:51am

Berkeley, Round Table

 

Dear U,

I’m in a mindful meditative state.

I woke up late, it was gray outside. Was yesterday sunny morning a special fluke?

I spent an hour in bed writing out my vivid dream, I felt like I saw scenes from the future.

.

One of the most vivid scenes, was a black actress names Sheila (Laboaf/Grey?) playing the domme soup nazi. Her outfit was incredible. Muted mint green (latex?) with her boobs out, and a clear shoulder piece that matches her fabulous clear headpiece.

.

I also kept on writing, I was feeling something. Why is there a subtle judgey energy that I’m projecting towards Z?

I think it’s because I think that through her eyes, I’m the privileged other.

Which may be true, I can afford to be broke. But she can’t.

But I feel like it’s my ego playing tricks on me.

Creating this separation, of what I think she thinks.

I should just have a talk with her.

.

I think we’re both energetically triggering each other, on a very subconscious level.

.

I haven’t heard back from Q. I hope my email to her didn’t come off strange.

If the domme retreat didn’t cost anything, it would make my invitation so much more special and there would be no weirdness about if someone who really wanted this can afford it or not.

But it costs money to bring in my guests/specialists/teachers/chefs.

.

M not being able to afford it and Z planting the seed of our access to resources. Made me think this is how I create the entryway to seeing me as a Domme.

.

To see me the exchange begins when you contribute to:

-To empowering women by contributing to a scholarship fund for women who want to attend my Domme retreat

-To decriminalizing sexwork…

.

I see myself gathering funds for educational literature that I would love to design. The YES on ___ postcards that get delivered will be art people want to keep.

.

I chatted with J. B doesn’t feel comfortable with the photographer. Totally cool, I said.

We talk about tonight. How I’m going to lock him in as B negotiates with her gangbangees, we’ll be in separate rooms. Then we’ll come together.

.

He thinks he can take a pretty hard ball-slapping tonight.

I see what J is doing. He’s taking the uncomfortable poly situation he’s in, of feeling jealous when B is with her other lover. Everything is imblanced now since he broke up with up his gf.

He’s taking control of this by eroticizing it and making it a selfless act he wants for B.

It’s beautiful.

.

I created a group thread with me, Z and K. I think adding grounded virgo K to the dialogue helps balance my impatience with airy Z.

The power of 3.

.

Oh wow, I can feel the mushroom kicking in, thank goodness I spat some of it out into the garden.

.

The sun comes in and out. It’s my favorite.

.

To be outside, look up at the blue skies and feel the air drizzling mist on my cheeks..

.

I had this strange slow morning, not knowing where it’ll go, but here I am, feeling the shrooms..

 

I didn’t mean to be tripping, but I think I am.

.

Do I want to journal while high?

I think I should go outside for a minute and breathe in the fresh cool air…

.

7;36pm

 

Dear U,

A lot has happened.

I created my intimacy project while high on mushrooms.

I’m not sure how it sounds..maybe you’ll let me know.

.

 The link appears on choose carefully.

.

My process is start at the beginning and see what needs to be added from there.

.

Then I started snacking on all the leftover sweet potato awesome chips, plantain chips and basically the whole bag of paleo puffs.

My saving grace is that all the ingredients are actually on diet (according to plant paradox).

.

The crazing snacking shifted my consciousness, I lost my creative flow.

.

Then I moved on to putting things in bins, like P’s snowboarding gear in one bin, and all the party supplies (disposable plates, flatware, cups, etc) and baby bottles in one bin.

.

I wrote in my journal this morning that if I could fill 2-3 bins with stuff that needs to go to storage, I’ll feel good..

..

I jumped on the silk for a few minutes.

.

Oh my it was so sunny, I was feeling restless.

 

.

Haven’t heard back from Z and K, it’s affirming the feeling of not being included.

.

I text P2 to let him know he can come earlier than 6 to get Cutie and go for a sunset walk. It’ was 4:41, he said he’ll be tere between 5-5:30.

.

I decided to go for a walk, with Cutie in my zip up hoodie, with her head sticking out, and a DMT pen in my pocket.

.

It was muddy, I was slipping up hill.

.

My mind still precoccupied with the feeling

.

I’m the privileged other

The girl with the house and resources

Like that’s all I’m good for.

I want my agency.

Am I just throwing that word around because it feels appropriate?

 

.

i got past the mud.

When I got to the bend

I thought wait, itsn’t there

The Mystery of Picasso playing at 5:30

(I checked the film schedule this morning)

.

I didn’t . fee like catching it then

But . I kidna do now

I call P2, direct him to the PFA

We’ll meet there.

.

I hang up,

Pull out my pen,

and inhaled.

.

Ego dissolving

I see the conversation

I’ll have with Z.

.

The I quickly walk back to the house,

packed my bag,

and drove over

.

I parked in the campus parking, without paying or having a permit. It;s 5:25

the closest parkign I can find

I ‘ll take my  chances

.

P2 is already inside saving me and Cutie a seat

.

When I got to the box office

.

The gal said The Mystery of Picasso

just sold out..

.

Aww..Huh..

Interesting,

It’s 5:30 exactly.

I guess I;ll go fro a sunset walk

 

.I text P2 it’s sold out

I wait in the lobby to hear . back from him

.

Then . I a guy by will call asks a girl he knows

if she wants to catch a film, he has 3 tickets.

.

I walk up to him and ask if I can buy the 3rd off of him

He says yeah,

how much?

Uh 10?

I hand him 2 fives.

I can’t believe my luck.

.

I get my stub ripped off and run . into the theatre

P2 still had a seat saved for me.

.

 

..

So many creative ideas flowed during this film….

.

I wish I can write more, but i gotta make a tiny stirfry, eat, shower and get ready for a gangbang..

.

What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, nibble of mushrooms, the rest of the sweet potato awesome chips, the rest of the plantain chips, the rest (almost whole bag) of paleo puffs, DMT (when I went for a walk in the mud), Level’s viper cookies sativa (before catching the Mystery of Picasso), a stirfry I made with carrots, mushrooms, and 3 stone hearth mediterranean beef skillet, a little bump of coke before the “gangbang”

 

Image above: From my stroll through SFMOMA’s Thiebaud exhibit, seeing the tools that he used in his studio is inspiring me to learn how to paint and draw and make my own art.

 

Back to my previous week