Monday, May 13, 2018 10:44am

 

Dear U,

I feel like I just woke up from the most amazing dream.

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This whole weekend was pure magic from beginning to end.

It’s so hard to even know where to start, when so much has happened.

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Every person, every connection, every word, every release, every shift, every tear, every laugh, every whack of the crop and flogger, every hug, every moment was incredible..

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I can’t wait to tell you all about it.

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..

 

 

The day after ..

Oh my god, what is that? A2 asks, she’s looking at me like I’m a weirdo. I love that look.

Oh this? It’s just my laser helmet..

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Me and A2 are being very muppety right now. We’re sitting on the biomat, taking turns wearing my laser helmet..

She’s creating an Instagram story

 

 

 

Thursday, May 16, 2019 1:57pm

 

Dear U,

I’m finally home alone..

Recharging for a minute.

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Gotta go to the dungeon now and session..

Time to get back into it..

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So much to tell you..

 

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Friday, May 17, 2019 11:44am

 

Dear U,

I woke up this morning and masturbated on and off for about an hour or two, I prolly came 8 times. Or more.

It was a sex magick ritual. Because I saw the future when I came.

I also saw the very next steps I needed to take..

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In between the orgasms, words and ideas came to me.

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Instead of driving all the way to San Jose to randomly show up at this restaurant where L is working, I can just call the restaurant up and ask to speak to her. She might not take the call from a random stranger. But I’ll say my name in Vietnamese. That might help.

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Here’s what I would say..

 

Thank you for taking this call. I just want to say thank you for being you and such a  inspiration. Every time I see you speak Vietnamese and talk about your mom and family, it makes me so proud to be Vietnamese. Which has been my journey for most of my life, learning how to accept and love my race and heritage and the stories we can tell.

I love your authenticity. How raw and truthful you are. And I  just wanted to offer you something which you can say yes or no to. I see that you’re working as a server to make ends meet.

I’m a dominatrix, I’ve been one for the past 14 years. And I’ve been a Domme mom for any of my friends who what to be a domme, I help them become one. If you’re curious and would like to consider this as a possibility, I would be happy to show you the ropes. Because I think you’ll be able to make the same amount of money in one hour as a Domme as you would make working for a week as a server. And in that way, you’ll have more time to do the  creative work I think you were meant to do..

Of course this sounds kinda crazy and out there, so you can just let this sink in and when you feel compelled  or curious, you can just reach out..

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When I got up, I got a text from K, one of the women in the group last weekend. She sent me a picture of her daughter wearing the green leather corset, lace veil and and riding crop that she received this weekend. I initially thought it was a picture of one of the shorter woman in our group because her pose and regalness was so mature.. And then I realized this girl is 8 years old.

 

I also jumped back into the Domme Retreat Whatsapp thread.

 

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4:56pm

 

Dear U,

L2 has left. I cooked for us a stir-fry. I listened as she excitedly share with me her day. She has a new partner who is super attuned to her. And she’s able to reclaim her safety through her vulnerability with him. As he chokes her, she’s undoing the lifetimes of being choked to death. Or so she believes.

I shared with her the heart shaped watermelong and banana bites B2 made for us this past weekend.

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L2 left at 3:37.

I thought I had a session at 4pm. But my sub never got my confirmation email from last week, it landed in his spam folder. So lucky me, I get to not be in the dungeon on this incredibly beautiful day.

I had tidied up the house for L2.

So when she left. I sat in the sunny moon room. The rainbow maker was getting powered by the sun. The new shelves, Cutie sitting on it, the  rainbows dancing around the room, the bright light coming in. It was all too beautiful. How can this be my home?How can this be my day?

 

I sat on the biomat, meditating, soaking in the sun.

I went for a little walk.

I can’t tell where I want to be.

It’s that feeling like school is out.

I just checked the Cal academic calendar.

 

This  is actually the last day of Spring Semester.

My hunch  was right.

I think I do want to go out, by  campus, soak in this

sunny school is out

summer is here feeling.

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I can’t believe how quickly the time is flying by..

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I’m a little concerned that I might forget to tell you about these magical days. Every single one of them, from moment to moment is pure magic..

 

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SO much is  happening, every one is reaching out, I think it’s my vibration..

I need to find the balance between social and alone time..

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9:27pm

I grabbed Cutie and The Magdalene Manuscript and drove down the hill around 5:30pm. It was so bright and nice outside. Along frat row, the frat buys were all outside, on the front decks, blasting music, playing beer pong (or what  looks like ping pong with glass pints of beer of the edges of their table.

I drove down Channing. Kids were hauling their boxes and carts of stuff out of their dorms.

I found a really nice parking spot close to Telegraph. The meter was already fed. Free parking.

Along Telegraph, the air smelled sweet, with a hint of fried food and weed.

I walked though South Gate. Asian kids were in their gown, some with their family in town, they were taking pics in their grad wear.

I walked up to Doe Library, where there were a flock of college kids posing and picture taking.

I used my old Cal student ID to slide into Moffit Library, in their Noisy Level and used their co-ed bathroom.

I wonder at which point they’ll suspect that my student ID is expired.

I head west, towards Berkeley Art Museum. There was  MFA show and talk going on.

I go into the museum shop to check out their rubber stamps. To see if they happen to have the Guanyin stamp. I highly doubt it. The chances are one in a thousand. I go every time to see if they have  it, they never do.

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Oh my God they have my Guanyin rubber stamp.

This is unreal.

I buy it.

I slip into the MFA show without a sticker showing that I paid.

I like the art that I see. Paintings on vellum (my favorite type of paper)

And a strange digital video called The Rituals of Metamorphosis.

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Afterwards, I walk down the street and deposit the two checks A2 made out for me. The expenses and profit from the Domme Bootcamp. We made money. Not a lot. But it was a good start.

I also deposited the money from the sessions I had this week. Hey look at me, I’m not super broke.

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I buy  some organic carrots from the tiny farmers market stand. The guy at t he stand says he loves my sweatshirt, it make shim want to tell his mom he loves her. I tell him he should.

A black homeless lady ask if I can spare a carrot. I was happy to. She was happy to receive the perfect looking little carrot.

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I got eye drops to get the red out. I ran out last week and had to use A2’s. I like how I got to use her eyedrops. It’s like she’s helping me see clearly.

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I walked by Shattuck Cinemas to see what films are playing. I’m always int he mood to catch a film around this time (May)

Sauvage/Wild is about a male prostitute. Hmm, might be good..

I walk by the California theatre, there’s an interesting Korean film with an intriguing Asian girl in a green dress in the movie poster, I’m tempted to catch it  as it’s  starting righ tnow, but  I want to stay outside during the magic hour.

I walk up Bancroft, through Telegraph. There are only boba shops, smoke shops and eateries that are still open and thriving.

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I head home, sautee the last of my greens in the fridge, kale.

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I ate that and the rest of the Urban Remedy bar. I overdid it.

 

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I spend an hour  working on Pervette (like I said i would for my goal this week) , the my wildest dreams page.

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Now here I am. Energy is depleting..

I had so much this morning, then it slowly dissipated. Definitely don’t feel like stalker calling L at the restaurant where in which she might be working or not.

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I did 20 shoulder shrugs and leg lifts..

 

What I put inside me me: acv, lemon water, green juice, walnuts, a brocolli, cauliflower, carrot and shitakke mushroom stirfry with friend egg that I made for myself and L2. Some leftover watermelon and chocolate banana bites that B2 made/brought over for the Domme Bootcamp, Cinnamon Rose Tulsi tea, Urban Remedy Cacao Chip bar, suateed kale, raspberries ( I think I ate too much)

 

Saturday, May 18. 2019 2:19pm

 

Dear U,

It’s a bright rainy day. I’m glad I got out yesterday when the sun was out.

I went to bed early last night, work up around 7:39am, journaled, and decided to go to K’s yoga class. Even though Stadium Way was closed when I got to it and I had to backtrack and lose 8 minutes and ended up being a few minutes late, I slipped in, and made it just in time to say Ommm..

I haven’t been to yoga all of this year.

K’s class is the best, I like her Japanesey way, her philosophy infused instruction. The theme was spaciousness.

I got into it, it felt like a meditation and afterwards my posture/mind felt so light and aligned.

I need to do yoga more often

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I went form class to the farmer’s market. I got the usual: organic everything..pastured eggs, walnuts, tons of broccoli, kale, rainbow chard, carrots, shitake mushrooms, red onions, avocados, lemons, blueberries, lb of mixed greens

Some new, different stuff: beets, dandelion greens, strawberries, mulberries, triple cream goat cheese, tons of cilantro and parsley,

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I came back, juiced some parsely and cilantro (new for me), made a salad

I feel amazing since I’ve been putting really good nutrient dense food in me today

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I’m gonna go into the city bit later and get dinner at Slanted Door with C (a former client now friend of mine) with his wife, daughter and cousins.

Then I’m gonna meet up with S, our first hangout since we met a few weeks ago. I’m looking forward to collaborating on a video project with him.

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I realize

My love language is projects.

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If you want to get with me, let’s create something.

It’s not unlike pro-creating.

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I think my next goal is to balance social and solitary time.

I’m gonna test out Meditation Monday this week.

Where I don’t do any email/text/phone/correspondence thing at all and just rest, meditate, pervette..

.

 

What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, green juice, samples of cheese at the farmer’s market, a carrot, cilantro and parsley I got from the farmer’s market and juiced (it tasted pretty nasty but I got a funny buzz from it),  a hearty salad I made with the usual, walnuts, egg, avocado, blueberries, mu tea, 2/3 Urban Remedy cacao chip bar; spring rolls, crispy imperial roll lettuce wrap, lamb rack, shaking beef, chicken claypot, cellophane noodles, little bit of jasmine rice, cotton candy, 1 1/2 churros, 2 glasses of 2 different types of red wine at Slanted Door; Brooklynite cocktail at Nommo

 

Sunday, May 19, 2019 2:54pm

 

Dear U,

I went to bed late last night and woke up at 9.

I have M over for teat at 2pm. P2 over for chores at 5pm and a visit with A later tonight.

It feels like a lot. I haven’t had a day all to myself in 11 days, since A2 came in on the 8th.

It’s starting to take its toll on me.

I’ve been showering almost daily. Getting ready, putting on my face for people.

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It’s so gray, dark and wet outside. All I want to do is stay in, not shower, not tidy up the house for M, and to do whatever I want.  Like read and work on Pervette.

While writing about my current mood in my journal, I decide to cancel my tea date with M.

I know we’ll eventually connect at some point. We have like 7 points of connection through mutual friends, it feels like we were bound to meet.

It was nice that we finally met last weekend, with him randomly showing up as the sous chef to the Domme Bootcamp.

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I punted our tea date. I was honest. I was tired.

He replied Yay for self-care!

We made plans for next Thursday.

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I called mom back, I missed her 2 calls this morning.

She said it’s the full moon and the day was the Buddhas was enlightened.

Don’t eat meat. And she’ll call me later, she’s getting ready to go to the temple.

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I was feeling strange and wobbly. So I meditated. Sitting and laying down on the biomat, next to the wall of glass and watched as

The sky turned blue and the clouds quickly roll by.

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That meditation was exactly what I needed.

When I got up

I had the energy to reply to 25 people via text. Not bad.

I started closing tabs on my browsers.

I started closing browsers.

And I started tidying up the round table..

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I realize now why I can’t seem to report back to you on all the amazing things that are happening. When it’s happening I’m so immersed in it. It’s all consuming.

I haven’t the distance from it to recount it.

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When I carve time to write to you, it feels like I’m carving time to visit with a friend.

As you can see I didn’t have much time to visit you here in the past 11 days.

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I’ve  been  noticing, I fall into a meditation trance more often when I’m not eating sugar  or meat.

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In my meditation today, I had the thought of mold come up. It was primed by one of the women at the bootcamp last week saying that she had mold in her home and she had to throw away all her precious books, some were even first edition.

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I should call a mold inspector, just in case. Even though there’s no noticeable signs or smells, but who knows. These things can creep on you out of nowhere.

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I also want to move my stuff out of the current non climate controlled storage unit. That can cause mold as well.

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Is mold just something that makes you painfully aware of how attached you are to your things?

 

I decide not to text A, to see if we were still planning on meeting today. I’ll wait to see if he remembers or not. I didn’t receive a google cal reminder like I usually do. Maybe he forgot. I hope so. The  thought of showering and driving feels like too much.

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P and I chat. He took J out on a date last night to  Plant Food Wine and to K’s party. I’m happy he’s getting female attention and having a typical Saturday night going out.

He’s in a  great mood. He tells me how much he loves m and my muppety ways. How I hang out with people and have projects with every one.

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We plan out our week. And book our JetsuiteX flights together. I’m flying down to LA  with him on Friday.

Then visiting my mom and and dad Monday and Tuesday.

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P2 comes over. He’s happy that I wanted for him to make my salad.

He says that the last time he hung out with Cutie. She landed on his throat and he felt a strange tickling sensation inside his throat. He wonders if she’s trying to use his voice to channel something.

I said I wouldn’t be surprised if she was.

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SHe’s been awfully cute lately. I can’t stop staring at her esp at night and when I wake up. Is she controlling me and where I place her? She’s always on the edge of the zafu or the meditaiton blanket the guru  gave me. Or on a notebook, looking suspiciously cute.

I think my channeling has something to do with her.

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P2 says he’s been chatting with fan of the Cutie blog, a friend of a friend who reached out to say Cutie’s blog has been enriching her life.

P2 asked her if she has any poetry recommendations for him and the Cutie blog.

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Have you heard of Jane Roberts? P2 ask.

She sounds familiar, I said.

Cutie’s fan recommended that P2 check her poetry out. She’s also known to channel someone name Seth.

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After we ate our salad (which was extra yummy today with the super fresh mixed greens from the farmer’s market) I pulled up a youtube video of Jane Roberts, from the 60’s, she was a skeptic of these occult things, but then it all  of sudden happened. Seth came through, in  her writing, in the ouija board..

The b&w video was kinda very eerie looking.

I gave P2  an incredulous glance. Very strange.

Cutie was sitting on the table with us, watching this too,,

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She  was researching ESP as she was workign on her sci fi novel.

I have this theory that most sci fi novelists are channeling visions from the future.

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I amazon Jane Roberts.

The cover of The Nature of Personal Reality looks really familiar. Now I remember. My friend X recommended this book to me 5 years ago. I think I might own it. P2 goes downstairs to check the shelves of books downstairs. I went to the library to the shelf of New Age stuff that I thought it might be. There it was sitting under a stack of 16 books.

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I found it! I hollered to P2 who was downstairs. He wanted to flip through the book before he started sweeping.

I handed to him the book.

We both acknowledged Cutie’s role in pulling this book out of my shelf.

If it weren’t for her and the blog, there would be no Cutie fan prompting us to checj Jane Roberts out.

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And strange how  I feel like I’ve been channeling some powerful woman with a clear vision of bringing back the power of the Feminine and starting a matriarchal revolition. And how words are coming out of my mouth randomly, daily now.

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And then L, my chef friend told me about the Magdalen Manuscript

And how the girl who started chatting with me at Beloved was reading Power of Caves and I asked her about it and she said she just got the book at Scarlet Sage, which is where  I got Opening to Channel..

Dominant Theme:  Channeling…

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I love how the sun comes and goes and how this day shifts from dark to light every hour or so.

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P2 says this is the rainiest May in the Bay Area he can remember in all his 30 something years of living here.

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He thinks Cutie is housing a spirit in her non biological body.

I agree.

I’ve had that thought for a while.

Maybe ever since my iboga journey

Or before that when my friend M told me, as she was morning her abortion  and I gave her Cutie to hold, that thinks Cutie is holding the spirit of my un-borned spirit child.

 

Meditation Monday, May 20, 2019 1:44pm

 

Dear U,

Today is the start of my new ritual.

One I call Meditation Mondays.

It’s a day where I practice staying fully present.

No emails, no texts, no social media.

No obligations to be anywhere or meet with anyone.

This is my day to work on Pervette

And play.

To follow Little me.

What ever she feels and wants

She gets.

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So far, she’s been enjoying picking up a bunch of books

Opening them up

Reading Osho’s Buddha

Rereading parts she’s read and taking and mapping out notes

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She’s writing

Working on a new path in Pervette

She wrote to an old former slave, M

To let him know she’s still here

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She’s doing her strength training on the silk.

She meditated.

She’s making matcha tea

With honey

SO yummy

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She’s sweating and not showering

She’s making messes.

In the kitchen, in the moon room

Everything, books, notebooks and pens and stamps are scattered.

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I feel like myself.

I’m so happy I have this whole day to do as I please.

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It went from gray to sunny..

Blue skies

Cool breeze coming through the open glass door.

Birds chirping

Lots of hummingbirds.

The rain made the bright green outside greener

And the flowers are a little wet,

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11:00pm

I worked on pervette

The Who is Colette page is evolving, still a work in progress

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I made a giant veggie stirfry tossing in my slanted door leftovers.

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I spent an hour washing the dishes, some by hand, some put away in the dishwasher. It felt good to put the kitchen back in tidy order

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I felt into it, no aerial class tonight, I stayed in, decided to get high on jack herer flower (it’s been a long while since I got high)

I have to admit, I don’t think it did much for my creativity this time

I might be better off just meditating

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Since S2 has been asking about my valedictorian speech over half a year now, I searched the house and found the old dvd copy of my speech my dad made for me  years ago.

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It didn’t play on my new mackbook pro.

So I stuck it in my old macbook and luckily it played it. I took a video of it with my phone

Somehow the vimeo transfer glitched and it won’t play the long version of the speech, so all I have up is the first 30 sec..

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It’s been a nice day, doing whatever I wanted to do..I did  take a call with my sub with whom I’m going to do a guided journey with this Wednesday.

It feels like the reason why he wants to do it is because he’s curious about me, more so than himself, as though this is a way to get to know me..

I think I’m okay with that.

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It’s already 11:11pm

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A whole day of pervetting.

Feels good…

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I’m just reading all the embarrassing writing I put on the choose your own adventure page..

I’m deleting these choices/hypertexts..

I can’t believe I had this up there for so long..

Now everyone knows..

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What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, green juice powder, walnuts, a broccoli carrot stir-fry with the Slanted Door chicken and glass noodles tossed in, 2 spoonfuls of the ceremonial cacao and honey that was made for the Domme Bootcamp last week, walnuts and soft ripened goat cheese from the farmer’s market, strawberries and watermelon, tons of tea

 

 

 

 

Back to my previous week