Sunday, May 19, 2019 2:54pm


Dear U,

I went to bed late last night and woke up at 9.

I have M over for teat at 2pm. P2 over for chores at 5pm and a visit with A later tonight.

It feels like a lot. I haven’t had a day all to myself in 11 days, since A2 came in on the 8th.

It’s starting to take its toll on me.

I’ve been showering almost daily. Getting ready, putting on my face for people.


It’s so gray, dark and wet outside. All I want to do is stay in, not shower, not tidy up the house for M, and to do whatever I want.  Like read and work on Pervette.

While writing about my current mood in my journal, I decide to cancel my tea date with M.

I know we’ll eventually connect at some point. We have like 7 points of connection through mutual friends, it feels like we were bound to meet.

It was nice that we finally met last weekend, with him randomly showing up as the sous chef to the Domme Bootcamp.


I punted our tea date. I was honest. I was tired.

He replied Yay for self-care!

We made plans for next Thursday.


I called mom back, I missed her 2 calls this morning.

She said it’s the full moon and the day was the Buddhas was enlightened.

Don’t eat meat. And she’ll call me later, she’s getting ready to go to the temple.


I was feeling strange and wobbly. So I meditated. Sitting and laying down on the biomat, next to the wall of glass and watched as

The sky turned blue and the clouds quickly roll by.


That meditation was exactly what I needed.

When I got up

I had the energy to reply to 25 people via text. Not bad.

I started closing tabs on my browsers.

I started closing browsers.

And I started tidying up the round table..


I realize now why I can’t seem to report back to you on all the amazing things that are happening. When it’s happening I’m so immersed in it. It’s all consuming.

I haven’t the distance from it to recount it.


When I carve time to write to you, it feels like I’m carving time to visit with a friend.

As you can see I didn’t have much time to visit you here in the past 11 days.


I’ve  been  noticing, I fall into a meditation trance more often when I’m not eating sugar  or meat.


In my meditation today, I had the thought of mold come up. It was primed by one of the women at the bootcamp last week saying that she had mold in her home and she had to throw away all her precious books, some were even first edition.


I should call a mold inspector, just in case. Even though there’s no noticeable signs or smells, but who knows. These things can creep on you out of nowhere.


I also want to move my stuff out of the current non climate controlled storage unit. That can cause mold as well.


Is mold just something that makes you painfully aware of how attached you are to your things?


I decide not to text A, to see if we were still planning on meeting today. I’ll wait to see if he remembers or not. I didn’t receive a google cal reminder like I usually do. Maybe he forgot. I hope so. The  thought of showering and driving feels like too much.


P and I chat. He took J out on a date last night to  Plant Food Wine and to K’s party. I’m happy he’s getting female attention and having a typical Saturday night going out.

He’s in a  great mood. He tells me how much he loves m and my muppety ways. How I hang out with people and have projects with every one.


We plan out our week. And book our JetsuiteX flights together. I’m flying down to LA  with him on Friday.

Then visiting my mom and and dad Monday and Tuesday.


P2 comes over. He’s happy that I wanted for him to make my salad.

He says that the last time he hung out with Cutie. She landed on his throat and he felt a strange tickling sensation inside his throat. He wonders if she’s trying to use his voice to channel something.

I said I wouldn’t be surprised if she was.


SHe’s been awfully cute lately. I can’t stop staring at her esp at night and when I wake up. Is she controlling me and where I place her? She’s always on the edge of the zafu or the meditaiton blanket the guru  gave me. Or on a notebook, looking suspiciously cute.

I think my channeling has something to do with her.


P2 says he’s been chatting with fan of the Cutie blog, a friend of a friend who reached out to say Cutie’s blog has been enriching her life.

P2 asked her if she has any poetry recommendations for him and the Cutie blog.


Have you heard of Jane Roberts? P2 ask.

She sounds familiar, I said.

Cutie’s fan recommended that P2 check her poetry out. She’s also known to channel someone name Seth.


After we ate our salad (which was extra yummy today with the super fresh mixed greens from the farmer’s market) I pulled up a youtube video of Jane Roberts, from the 60’s, she was a skeptic of these occult things, but then it all  of sudden happened. Seth came through, in  her writing, in the ouija board..

The b&w video was kinda very eerie looking.

I gave P2  an incredulous glance. Very strange.

Cutie was sitting on the table with us, watching this too,,


She  was researching ESP as she was workign on her sci fi novel.

I have this theory that most sci fi novelists are channeling visions from the future.


I amazon Jane Roberts.

The cover of The Nature of Personal Reality looks really familiar. Now I remember. My friend X recommended this book to me 5 years ago. I think I might own it. P2 goes downstairs to check the shelves of books downstairs. I went to the library to the shelf of New Age stuff that I thought it might be. There it was sitting under a stack of 16 books.


I found it! I hollered to P2 who was downstairs. He wanted to flip through the book before he started sweeping.

I handed to him the book.

We both acknowledged Cutie’s role in pulling this book out of my shelf.

If it weren’t for her and the blog, there would be no Cutie fan prompting us to checj Jane Roberts out.


And strange how  I feel like I’ve been channeling some powerful woman with a clear vision of bringing back the power of the Feminine and starting a matriarchal revolution. And how words are coming out of my mouth randomly, daily now.


And then L, my chef friend told me about the Magdalen Manuscript

And how the girl who started chatting with me at Beloved was reading Power of Caves and I asked her about it and she said she just got the book at Scarlet Sage, which is where  I got Opening to Channel..

Dominant Theme:  Channeling…


I love how the sun comes and goes and how this day shifts from dark to light every hour or so.


P2 says this is the rainiest May in the Bay Area he can remember in all his 30 something years of living here.


He thinks Cutie is housing a spirit in her non biological body.

I agree.

I’ve had that thought for a while.

Maybe ever since my iboga journey

Or before that when my friend M told me, as she was morning her abortion  and I gave her Cutie to hold, that thinks Cutie is holding the spirit of my un-borned spirit child.


Meditation Monday, May 20, 2019 1:44pm


Dear U,

Today is the start of my new ritual.

One I call Meditation Mondays.

It’s a day where I practice staying fully present.

No emails, no texts, no social media.

No obligations to be anywhere or meet with anyone.

This is my day to work on Pervette

And play.

To follow Little me.

What ever she feels and wants

She gets.


So far, she’s been enjoying picking up a bunch of books

Opening them up

Reading Osho’s Buddha

Rereading parts she’s read and taking and mapping out notes


She’s writing

Working on a new path in Pervette

She wrote to an old former slave, M

To let him know she’s still here


She’s doing her strength training on the silk.

She meditated.

She’s making matcha tea

With honey

SO yummy


She’s sweating and not showering

She’s making messes.

In the kitchen, in the moon room

Everything, books, notebooks and pens and stamps are scattered.


I feel like myself.

I’m so happy I have this whole day to do as I please.


It went from gray to sunny..

Blue skies

Cool breeze coming through the open glass door.

Birds chirping

Lots of hummingbirds.

The rain made the bright green outside greener

And the flowers are a little wet,



I worked on pervette

The Who is Colette page is evolving, still a work in progress


I made a giant veggie stirfry tossing in my slanted door leftovers.


I spent an hour washing the dishes, some by hand, some put away in the dishwasher. It felt good to put the kitchen back in tidy order


I felt into it, no aerial class tonight, I stayed in, decided to get high on jack herer flower (it’s been a long while since I got high)

I have to admit, I don’t think it did much for my creativity this time

I might be better off just meditating


Since S2 has been asking about my valedictorian speech over half a year now, I searched the house and found the old dvd copy of my speech my dad made for me  years ago.


It didn’t play on my new mackbook pro.

So I stuck it in my old macbook and luckily it played it. I took a video of it with my phone

Somehow the vimeo transfer glitched and it won’t play the long version of the speech, so all I have up is the first 30 sec..


It’s been a nice day, doing whatever I wanted to do..I did  take a call with my sub with whom I’m going to do a guided journey with this Wednesday.

On a subtle level, it feels like one of the reasons why he wants to do it is because he’s curious about me, as though this is a way to get to know me..

It is a good way to get to know someone


He had a dream that he broke something at my house and my partner came home (while he was naked?)



It’s already 11:11pm


A whole day of pervetting.

Feels good…


I’m just reading all the embarrassing writing I put on the choose your own adventure page..

I’m deleting these choices/hypertexts..

I can’t believe I had this up there for so long..

Now everyone knows..


What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, green juice powder, walnuts, a broccoli carrot stir-fry with the Slanted Door chicken and glass noodles tossed in, 2 spoonfuls of the ceremonial cacao and honey that was made for the Domme Bootcamp last week, walnuts and soft ripened goat cheese from the farmer’s market, strawberries and watermelon, tons of tea


Tuesday, May 21, 2019 10:32am


Dear U,

The day after of having a whole day to myself feels a little anxiety ridden..

Just a tad little.

Like there’s quite a people to get back to.


And I’m questioning the latest beginning of Pervette.

Do I need to start over?


I’m in a cleaning mode.

The kitchen is clean, dishes put away

I want to clean out my crazy inbox


I called up a new storage unit artspace.

They have a studio space for rent for 300

That’s just 40 more than what I’m paying.

And I get my own studio space.



It’s a gray drizzly day..


I think I need  to slow down and meditate



Dear U,

Yep. Meditation.

Always a good idea.

I saw what I need to do with Pervette.

Build the new 3rd page.


I also am not resisting this strange mood I’m in to get things organized.

I have a feeling, the organizing house, the notebooks, hard drives, pervette, will help me connect the dots..


It’s a strange gray day. At first I was uncertain about it, since there  was so much to do, now after a brief meditation I feel at blissful ease, even though I’m still sped up.


I’m not going to resist the feelings that come up, rather trust it.


Even the I hate my writing, what I have on Pervette right now is so crappy feeling that came up last night and today. Trust it.


I can feel the shakti coming over me..



The theme of ALCHEMY is coming up


I’m beginning to see the connections..


I feel positive, energetic, OCD, and the shakti spirit running through me



I connected with P. He’s also on the same cosmic wavelength, he says, feeling the OCD energy and he also did a short meditation that was grounding.

He’s working on our Europe trip this July.

It feels like there’s always something on the agenda.

We mupps are always on the move.


Last week I realized the educatrix side of me.

This week, tomorrow to be exact, I realize the shamanatrix side of me.


I’m ready to put my offerings out there on Pervette..


Books I’m reading: The Magdalen Manuscript, The Nature of Personal Reality, Psychedelic Shamanism, Buddha: His Life and Teachings by Osho


What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, green powder huice, turmeric spice bone broth hot drink I made with all the fixings, walnuts, a hearty salad with the slanted door grass fed shaking beef thrown in, soft ripened goat cheese, walnuts, carrots, tons of tea


Wednesday, May 22, 2019 7:30pm


Dear U,

I think I did it. I’m officially a professional shamanatrix.


It was a perfect day, no rain just sunshine.


I was up till 3, preparing the space, the medicine, and myself (headspace wise) the night before.


Everything flowed so naturally, the rituals, the words, the what to do where to go next..


I had spoken with a friend yesterday (who has also recently become a professional mutlidimensional guide). I told her I’m doing my first session as a guide. I wanted to check in on. Is there anything I need to be aware of. I wanted to make sure everything would go smoothly.

She said I already know how to do this..Everything will come naturally to me.

Her words were reassuring.


And she was right.

Everything felt so fluid..

And I learned from today that this is actually what I love doing.

It feels amazing to do this work.

I just love going deeper.

And being the gentle guide..


And J’s dream was somewhat spot on, he did break something. But it was kinda totally perfect what broke.


There’s much more to share on my thoughts in this new chapter I’m stepping into.

I want to make sure I keep our container today safe so I will spare the details of what happened and focus on what the experience was like for me.


It was amazing.


And some strange turn of events happened. O was supposed to fly in at 6 today. But around 3pm, he said there was crazy traffic on the way to Burbank due to the rain and some accident, so he hung back, rebooked his flight for the 8pm one.


After J left, I chatted with P. He was at Erewhon grabbing a bite before heading to the airport.

I thanked him for being so open to allowing me to use our home for me to hold space as both an educatrix and shamanatrix. It’s a huge milestone, made possible by his support and generosity and openness.

And I recognize that my work these past 2 weeks were incredibly magical because it was held in our sanctuary. I mean the orgy room was made for this..

He was happy to hear how appreciative I was.


An hour later he calls and says he’s stuck in brentwood and doesn’tt hink he’s gonna make it tot he airport, but he’ll keep me posted.

Half houro later, he calls and says, he’s feeling into it and it feels right to ditch the gridlock, airport and not come up. Since he was only gonna be here for a day to go to 6 Flags with the company and have dinner with an old sugarbaby, which doesn’t seem that important.  And we were plannign on flying downto LA Friday, I can just see him Friday when I come down. That felt right to me. He was so happy to get out of the traffic and turn back around. He loved how I validated his JOMO (joy of missing out).


Then I read the text from my sub I was going to see tomorrow for a session. He asked if I wanted to go on a spiritual journey with him this week.

Why as a matter of fact, yes..

And now that P isn’t coming home, I can. Tomorrow.


5 candles are burning, one at each Guanyin shrine in every corner/direction of the house


Kinda coming to see that my baseline these days is just magical


What I put inside me: acv, lemon water, green powder juice concoction,

medicine dipped in the ceremonial cacao from Bali

earthy tea I made for us

sweet potato awesome chips, blueberries, Belcampo beef bone broth, heart opening tea I made for us, Hu salty dark chocolate, nibble of chocolate mushroom, kombucha, sauteed bitter dandelions with glass noodles and claypot chicken, a frozen banana bite, walnuts, heart opening tea I shared with G, more walnuts and watermelon


Thursday, May 2019 10:59am


Dear U,

Funny how things work. I woke up at 8. I felt like a kid excited, slightly overwhelmed by today and all its possibilities.

I have so much to do. And I want to do it all. And I really want, like it excites me, because it’s all creative work.


I was moving slowly, like a kid who gets to stay home on a Thursday and has an unstructured day all to herself.


I journaled, I meditated, I masturbated, I meditated on the biomat.

Words for the next pages of Pervette were coming to me.

Then I picked up the book my foot was kicking when I was coming. It was a book I picked out when I was sorting through the books in the library, Practice of Poetry.

I think it was the first time I opened it since I got it. But there was a photo in there, bookmarking a page. I read the page. It was a writing prompt.

Imagine the person you want to write a letter to…


And then all the words started coming together in my mind..


I’ve been pervetting…

The new beginning.


It’s exciting me. To a point where slow moved from quick stream of flow. One idea flows from another.


Odd how slow child waking up, pleasuring itself, led to an incredible creative stream.


I like how 2 days ago I hated what I have on Pervette and because of that a new beginning is coming and I’m falling in love with its new relationship energy.


My relationship to Pervette is not unlike my avoidant serial dating.


I love beginnings. That’s what it is. I see all of its potential. And it excites me.


I go deep, I get immersed, I pop out, walk away, come back and then  see all the ways it get me stuck. Then I create another beginning. Each one feels more fluid than the last.


I stop in midflow. I follow the desire I have to put cilantro and parsely juice as the first thing I want to put in my body. To detox my heavy metals.


A good portion of my mental energy is devoted to not wasting things, especially food. I think about how I can minimize food waste about every other hour of the day. I mentally inventory what I have in the fridge that I need to consume before I leave tomorrow before LA.


A fuck ton of cilantro and parsely. I went crazy at the farmer’s market this past weekend and bought more veggies that I can stirfry, esp since I’m only eating one  meal per day.


I start pulling out the rainbow chard, the carrots, the kale, the beets and start chopping them. I’m gonna make a fuck ton of juice.

I sliced my right index finger with the sharp japanese knife, because I was thinking about where to put the chopped greens while I was chopping them.


Lots of blood, it doesn’t hurt.


I put all the chopped veggie sin the giant wooden salad bowl. It feels so nice to see all these beautiful bright colored veggies in a wooden bowl.


Then I started juicing. Oh shit, this is time and energy intensive. 6 minutes of juicing yields a teacup of beet, carrot, cilantro, parsley, kale and chard juice. I juiced a lemon, added to the mix. Holy fuck it’s yummy. Way better than straight up parsely and cilantro juice (which curdles like blood and tastes so crazy bad)


I put the rest of the bowl of veggie sin t he fridge. I’m going to periodically juice throughout the day.


I’m excited about juicing for my voyager today before or after our trip.


I think I love playing multidimensional travel guide

slash caretaker slash fun and snacks ambassador


anyways, I gotta catch this creative high and stop writing to you so I can write out the new beginning of pervette…


(later that day)

I created the new page 3. This feels good..

It’s just right in time for me being ready to put myself and my offerings out there..


prepared the space, the shrine, the medicine


You look great!

We said at the same time when he was walking up to the door..


He’s never done anything before, not even cannabis.

But he feels ready..


We went deep.

He saw the entities.

He saw my aura.


His third eye is open


We started channeling our shared vision.


I’m here to assist you, he said.

We’re here to do something together

that’s bigger than we can imagine


We caught the blazing red sun.


We juiced.

Glad I chopped up 8 lbs of veggies earlier that day.


It was yummy in spite of the cilantro, parsely, kale..

I handed him an Urban Remedy bar since we didn’t have time for me to make him a stirfry.

He took off at 8:45 to catch his 11pm flight. It’s pretty tight with having to return the rental..I hope he makes it.


We’ve known each other for 14 years

It feels like an entirely different way of being with him.

From sub to true friend and ally.


He’s learning how to receive.


I realize that’s a theme I’m seeing.

Men are learning or desiring to learn

How to receive..

I feel an excited urgency to everything that’s coming..

It’s time it’s time..


The picture in the poetry book was

of a tiny crab coming out of its sandhole


I’m in Santa Monica. P is napping.

We made love. That was nice.

I can’t remember the last time we did it.




There’s much to tell you, much to do

But it feels nice

to just half sit/lay here on the biomat..

snack on the snacks we got at Erewhon (it’s always our first stop when I get into LA)

and do nothing

maybe i’ll read one of the 5 books I brought with me..

magdalen manuscript

shamanic voices

the power paradox

love is the way

the practice of poetry


I bet i can write a poem just using the titles of books that i have

whoa. book poem.

or  poem of books


can you tell


on these Wyld yummy sativa raspbelly jellies

that A2 brought last night and then gift to me


What I put inside me: acv, belcampo bone broth I heated and sipped as P2 took me to JetSuiteX, banana chips on the flight, brain tonic and custom juice at the erewhon tonic bar, a sip of P’s coconut dream smoothie, sushi sample at Erewhon, macadamia nuts I sprinkled french sea salt on, Bodacious Banana Bread walnuts, Sweet Potato Awesome chips, a tiny bite of P’s $4 passion fruit donut I got him on Venice, a sip of P’s latte I got him at Tom’s; avocado tikka,

Saturday, May 25, 2019 3:37pm

Ocean Ave, Santa Monica


Dear U,

Wow. It’s becoming harder to keep up with you everything that’s going on.

It’s hard to describe magic in few words

because the magic is in these synchronicities

which you can only spot when you can begin to see the network of cause and effect

so to describe to you all the crazy magic that’s happening at almost every moment is an attempt at describing and weaving all the nodes that are lighting up at every moment

and when it’s all activated at once, it takes even more time to tell you about it


even every object has a story

and a metaphor

i see all the connections

i see how it’s all a miracle

at every moment


this is why i’m trying to record everything with my recorder

so i don’t lose the details

but it’s these little things

that set off the butterfly effect.


everywhere i go

people are seeing it

there’s this new side of me

that’s coming out

she talks with a deeper voice

from her belly or solar plexus

the tone sounds


and centered

you can sense her purpose

and urgency



the educatrix


I’m so ready for the world.

4 years of cocooning, caterpillar mushing,

transforming, trying to test out my new wings

and break through the shell

i’m coming out of the crysalis



I feel like I’m in some in between world right now.

It’s halfway real world and halfway crazy psychedelic.


like one a-ha after another psychedelic

the amount of downloads i’m receiving feels



i love it.


crazy how for most of the last 2 months  i was a meditation purist

and now i’m seeing the incredible synergistic effect of meditation and psychedelics

oh my goodness


what’s up with me?

ever since i landed in LA

i can’t stop eating


i have crazy snacking anchors here

i blame it on erewhon


i mean

sweet potato awesome chips

bodacious banana bread walnuts

with product names like that

and not to mention it’s super high vibey

how can i not consume it all



Every one, including the servers, is surprised by how much we order

and how we’re able to finish it all

it’s me i can’t stop eating

i don’t mind,

i like it,

my body is going through it’s high consumption mood right now

i think it’s to fuel my brain and its downloads


how is it possible that we can have one magical encounter one right after another?

I feel like i’m in some epic adventure magical fairy tale story

that’s getting played out moment by moment

and i’m just excited to be in each moment

all  the while wondering

is this for real?


every point of contact

every connection

has been magical

and i see where it’s all heading

i saw this vision get played out

in disparate vignettes

in my head for the past 5 years

and i’m now connecting all the dots

i know why i’m meeting this person and that

i see what the universe is conspiring for me

i see it


it’s one

holy fuck

oh my god

thank you

after another.


It’s insane.

what i’m trying to say

is that

it’s happening


the matriarchal revolution

is happening

i see how it’s all going to unfold

just like i have all these past 5 years

every vision

every wild fantasy

that i had in my head

was there for a reason

that world in my head

is coming out

or is the world outside of me

ready to come in

and get intimate

with everything i have to share

i’m so fucking ready

i can scream

i am so ready to do everything i can to start this



just saying it

can make it happen


that’s a kate bush lyric



I’m reminded of that japanese film i saw on the plane on the way to bali


How the main protagonist

was able to get away with so much out there shit

was because she was brutally honest

and authentic

it was the magic bullet

that disarmed every body

esp the narcissists


that’s the goal

to disarm the narcissists

if we can do that

on a global level

all our problems

would be solved


thank goodness it takes one to know one

i can spot one out like i know myself

and i know how to talk to them

like i’m talking to myself


am i making any sense?


i feel like some part of myself that i’m just meeting myself are coming out and running this show


they feel like a spirit taking over

it’s not me

when i get out of the way

forget about myself

they come out

and what they have to say

the world wants to hear

it’s not me

i’m just the messenger


the medium is now the way


P said to me this morning

that this new side of me is coming out

he saw it come out of me several times at dinner last night

it’s really powerful


it feels so good to be seen by him


he’s my number one patreon

he jokes


it’s true


ii wonder if i should i tell you my crazy wild fantasies now

before it happens or realizes

it’s not a fantasy any more


hey yuk,

dad says you said you would buy him a house in 2 years. I’m just curious to know that

you really said that, or if he’s just making stuff up.

(my sister texts)


Yeah I did say that

(i reply)

That’s my wish/goal.

Even though I’m broke right now.

I probably shouldn’t have said that, it prolly got his hopes up.

But I have a vision..


I see how it’s all connected.

To take care of who takes care of you

you are on your way to taking care of the world

because it starts with your center.

your widening circle

that can encompass all

that’s the power


love can do

it can grow

faster and conquer



love as a tool to deweaponize


if we are driven to violence

then just make it consensual

than the energy of the tension

can really drive us forward

it’s about the art

of communication

how to be in divine union

with the feminine

and masculine


if we can heal our sex(ual)


we can heal the




we need to talk about sexual trauma

and how to heal it


Is that our collective bondage?


Clue?Way: BDSM can deconstruct everything conditioned..


can’t stop eating macadamias


i feel like i’m in some


high functioning




cannabis can reignite psychedelic trips

i see


At dinner last night

j said several times

after i spoke

that I’m holding several keys


i want to ask him later

what he meant by that

i mean i think i know what he means

but is there a story behind that expression



Things are different

when I’m here in Santa Monica with P

from a 4400 square ft to 800

that’s a creative challenge

our communication can help us contain ourselves

in small spaces


here i flow around his moods and whims

non judgmentally is the key

staying open

i enjoy him

and his boyish ways


he loves to nap

without guilt

he does it so well


he loves to indulge in



honey mama’s

chocolate chip cookies


(grass fed) cheeseburgers

and chocolate milkshakes


he’s the master of perpetual indulgence


I feel like I want to practice being more austere



I made a back up rezy at..

Chair placement at dinner party of 6 is crucial



Back to my previous week