Themes: Back In Berkeley, narcissists, LinkedIn, blood full moon, proud of P and his work on self, everybody is vaccinated, traveling, visiting their parents, long summer days, monk mode, feeling Dad’s spirit, tuna salad, matcha lattes, showered with M8’s love, reading The Communication Book, The Blue Island, The Strangest Secret, mom crocheting a blanket for Cutie, Pervette’s next iteration, building a community, M8 sharing his old photos,

Sunday, May 23, 2021

Bel Air,

Day after the party.

I wake up to P taking a picture of his cum-stained Tom Ford shirt. He’s sending it to his new friend

who said to him last night

If you don’t have cum stains on your Tom Ford shirt by the end of the night, you’re doing something wrong.

I guess he’s doing something right.


I was planning to take off in the morning, but something told me to stick around for the Agency investor lunch, which was conveniently at the house with a Japanese private chef and his crew that P had arranged.


It was a very yummy fancy omakase lunch. and I was able to offer some feedback and suggestions for the next party..


I take off..

Meditative drive.

I call K, my graduate advisor


Tuesday, May 24, 2021


I’m thinking of getting a cat, I tell M8.

We should name it Sesame.


Tuesday, May 25, 2021 3:33pm

Berkeley, In my backyard

Dear U,

As I’m writing to you from my garden, the air is buzzing with mowing and blowing noises, Cutie is leaning against my glass of water, and M8 is drawing me..

M8 was actually supposed to be on a plane heading east right now.

I’ll fill you in..


We woke up this morning, cuddled through 6 snoozes of his alarm clock.

How do people with a job do it? Wake up to an alarm clock? This feeling of getting up earlier than my body wants to reminds me of school days..

M8 said he used to sleep through 5 snoozes before he would get up, this was when he used to have a corporate job.


We cuddled like lazy cats, I had my left arm and leg draped over him. I told him how much I love lazy cat cuddles. That’s what I call it.

I remember the first time my sister let me do this to her when I was 8, it was a lazy summer day, we were napping, it felt so nice, yet it was so brief, bc she quickly got tired of the weight of my arm and leg on her.

I think I’ve been waiting/longing for that lazy cat cuddle experience to come around ever since.

P thinks these cuddles are too claustrophobic..

And so here I am with M8, my lazy cat companion, who not only allows me to plop on top of him, he loves it.


We finally got up, M8 showers, I wash my face, then head upstairs to get started on our matcha lattes, I fill up two thermoses and we hit the road to SFO at 8:44am.

Whoa this is so weird, we’re never driving around together at this hour, I said as I drive us down the hill.

It feels like an unusual day. Like we’re going to school or work or something.

It’s so sunny and bright.

As we get on the highway and slow down on the bridge traffic, I begin to feel the anxious commute energy sink in.

I think about my to do list and begin to feel overwhelmed. I need to finish setting up my business checking account. I need to pay off my HELOC loan. I need to work on pervette and Mistressclass. I need to get back on social media.


M8 talks about his corporate job days..

How do people do it, this 9 to 5 thing? I ask

Some people enjoy the structure, M8 says, there’s a sense of security and community in it.

Oh right.


Should I set up a LinkedIn account for fun as Colette? I ask

You could. I think you can see who visits your profile on LinkedIn.

Oh really?


Maybe I’ll make a stop by Sword and Rose snd pick up some incense and other witchy stuff now that I’m here in the city.

M8 checks the store hours. It doesn’t open till noon. Drats. Oh well.


Funny how we’ve only had 2 outings into the city the whole time we’ve been together. Once to Sword and Rose. Another to Top Drawer.

There’s something about the city, its vibe that feels sharp and makes us anxious.

We’re so East Bay..


I tell M8 about my current thinking of Pervette. I want to build a community..a place where Dommes and subs can connect and play..

As we reach the terminal departures, M8 suggests I check out Moth Storytelling.


After we have kiss and hug goodbye, I hop back in the car, put on Deric Wan and drive back to the East Bay. It’s nice to go in the direction opposite of the commute. I can feel my mood shift as I zoom out of the city and into the East Bay. Ahh more green, more trees, more sun and space.


I stop by Monterey Market to get some groceries for the house, flowers, berries, cherries, jackfruit, white wine, avos, carrots, etc.


As I clip and arrange the flowers in my vases and spread them thought out the house on my shrines, I talk to L7. She wanted to talk outfits for Yearning Man next week.

She tells me about her mushroom journey last Saturday. It was beautiful but not deep since she was hosting the journey for others.

She’s considering doing a larger dose alone in her room tomorrow, since it’s the blood full moon/ eclipse.

I suggest she get a scale to measure her dosage. And go for 2 grams.


After we hang up, I call mom back. She asks how P is doing since she sees that bitcoin and stocks are falling.

He’s good, I tell her.

We talk about the design of Cutie’s blanket she’s crocheting. I like how we’re connection on her creative projects.

She wants to dig up my old Barbies so that she can knit some clothes for it as a way to help her think about the template/design for real size clothes that she wants to knit/crochet for me.

I tell her that my old barbies are deep in the garage closets and hard to get to. I’ll just Amazon her a new Barbie. As we talk I scroll through pages of Barbies and found an Asian one in a Chinese cheongsam dress. Order placed.

How much was it? Mom asked

30 dollars

That’s so much, you should wait for it go on sale.

I send her a screenshot of the barbie I picked out for her.

I like the blond ones she said, they look more attractive.

I like the asian one, I think she looks cute.


I get a text from M8 as I chat with mom

His flight got delayed till 10pm tonight. It’s noon right now.


M8 calls me, I hang up on mom. He says he can wait at the airport or go home and do some work. I told him to come here, and we do work together. I offer to pick him up, he says he can get a Lyft. If I feel like taking him to the airport again later, that would be great. I told him of course.


I order some sugarcane shrimp rolls and vegan rolls at Xyclo to be delivered for our lunch.

P calls me. We talk about narcissism. I relate my experience of being gaslit by Her to his experience right now.

Narcissists have this way of needing to be the center of your attention as a way to manipulate you. Once the facade cracks and you are no longer captivated by them, they kinda lose it. And the energy goes from amazing high to negative toxic low.

And you’ll say hey is everything okay, I feel like something is off.

And they’ll say, everything is fine, I don’t know what you’re talking bout.

That’s gaslighting.

Maybe it’s unintentional on their part. All they know is that they have a certain way they want to be perceived, perfect and amazing. And they know if they share their shadow with you, you’ll see them in a different way.


But aren’t we all narcissists? At some point we are/were. It’s a tricky thing to call someone a narcissist. It’s a spectrum. And at times we have narcissistic qualities. It’s so easy to villanize someone and call them a narcissist, make them the other, when really we’re all mirrors to each other.


I freshen up, plate the spring rolls that arrived.

M8 knocks on my door, with his attache in hand.

Hi Baby! I’m back! What a trip!

I laugh, we embrace. What a crazy day. I secretly love that his flight was majorly delayed. I get to see him again so soon, so unexpectedly.  I take him to the garden, where I have our spring rolls and fish sauce all set up on the bistro table. M8 was surprised to see the rolls. It’s a throwback to our last week in Westminster, when I introduced him to sugarcane shrimp rolls and a ton of other Vietnamese dishes.


After our late light lunch, M8 wanted to draw me as I journal to you. So he pulled the book (of his drawings of me) from the shelf. Sat a few feet away from me and drew the drawing above.


At some point Wells Fargo called and I picked it up, it’s about my application for my business checking account. The process was stalled by me since I had to print out some pages, sign it and return to them. The rep says he can send over s Docusign instead. Amazing.

He asked me some formal questions for the record.

What’s your relationship to the company, Radical Visions.


Is your company publicly traded?


What kind of company is Radical Visions?

It’s a coaching and online education company.


I’m glad I chose an innocuous name like Radical Visions, and not Pervette. The former sounds innocuous, the latter sounds too kinky / edgy.

It’s only me and you who know that the PERV in pervette is an acronym for Permanently Evolving Radical Visions.


After I got off the phone, I find M8 in the orgy room. He was just about to doze off.

Baby come here, he opens his arms for me to fall into.

He holds me and tells me how much he loves me. It’s a ritual now. Every time he holds me he showers me with words of affirmation and adoration..


Baby I just want to tell you how great you are all the time. It’s the mode I’m in right now.

His tone is so funny, it’s like he’s overwhelmed by his desire for  and devotion to me.


I just love being down there between your legs.

I just want to bury my head in your pussy.


I like how he thinks my pussy is the most beautiful pussy ever.


Can I tell you how much I love licking your asshole?


His actions are very aligned with his words


He fingers me,

it’s a virtuous art for him,

the strokes he makes,

he makes me so wet.


The way the afternoon light came into the orgy room, the room with windows and glass doors on three sides, all the angles of golden light in that room. We were taking it all in. Bathing in the sweetness of the lightness.

It’s all very magical. The home. The day. This love. This unexpected time to soak it all in.


Us laying there on this lazy cat Tuesday afternoon. A day that felt unusual to begin with. here we are stealing kisses and cuddles.

Strange how this moment of embrace can feel so different form all the others we’ve had, because we didn’t plan for it.

Our time together continues to feel so romantic and cinematic. It’s like an Eric Rohmer film.


Can we do something crazy?  Like catch a matinee right now? I suggest with a childish grin. It already feels like we’re playing hooky or getting away with something, we might as well make it even more indulgent.


I make us our second matcha lattes for the day.

We move into the moon room and sit at Dad’s altar

I have M8 draw a card. Het got Princess of Disks. I drew Queen of Disks earlier.

Why don’t do a reading? I pull two Thoth tarot books form the shelf.

Let’s do the relational one, M8 suggests as he looks over my shoulder and sees the page of readings that I opened up to.

I was thinking that one too!

We both shuffled the deck.

M8 pulls the first card, which represents him:

3 of Wands – Virtue

(integrity, honesty, self-confidence, no compromises)

I pull the next card, which represents me:

Queen of Cups

(emotions shown openly, motherhood, emotional integrity)

He pulls the next card, which represents the unifying force:

6 of Swords – Science

(ability to analyze, to unify ideas, all-encompassing vision, all embracing vision, objectivity)

I pull the next card, representing the common basis:

10 of Disks – Wealth

(inner and outer richness, the ability to make the inner earth visible and share it with others

He pulls the next card, representing his sources:


(love, attraction, approaching, union of opposites though Love, becoming conscious through relationship)

I pull the next card, repenting my sources:

8 of Wands – Swiftness

(clear, direct, swift communication, overcoming misunderstanding)

He pulls the last card, repenting the focal point, our common goal:

4 of Cups – Luxury

(love, tenderness, care, emotional riches)






Wednesday, May 26, 2021 2:44pm

Berkeley, California


Dear U,

It’s my first day of quietude. The air is perfectly still, the sky is blue, and the sun is bright. I’m sitting outside at the bistro table underneath my tree, writing to you.

I’m alone. At last.

I can feel my mind resting. Everything is slowing down, I can feel it in my body, I’m present to this moment.

I’m taken back to my monk mode summer days of 2018, when I first started journaling to you.

Deja vous.

monk mode = child like bliss

I don’t know how, but my concerns and to do list are not on my mind.


Even though I haven’t solved the problem of how to create a passive income. How to shift from a one-to-one to one-to-many model. How to build a scalable business that can allow me to be financially secure. Now that I have this large overhead as a homeowner.


Funny how I never have the time or energy to write and share with with you when my days are filled with lots of and friends and magical connections..

You only get the quiet moments, when I’m alone, nothing eventful, just my contemplations..


I have no appetite, I’m eating because my mind wants me to not let the cherries and Erewhon fresh cut coconut go bad..

And because I love my matcha ritual

I could probably fast..


I slept in till 10:10am this morning. Long vivid dream which I can barely remember when I woke up, something about looking at a menu of vegan food.


I can tell by my pen strokes that my subconscious wanted to write automatically..


I’m circling around the next iteration of Pervette..

It’s a combination of everything that’s been swirling in my mind..

It’s a choose your own erotic adventure

An intimate space for us to share out stories, dreams and wisdom

you’re getting intimate with me to get intimate with yourself so you van get intimate with anybody

An infinite game of intimacy

the deeper you go dow down the rabbithole the more intimate and intense it gets

An immersive reality game

you’re given interesting choices to make so that you can live the adventure-filled story that you want to tell

you’re creating your intimacy playbook throughout your journey

it’s a club where the pervette get to choose each other (that’s what the spiritual medium said and has stuck with me)

No faces, no names, just voices that want to be heard



My hand kept writing

you need at least 60 people on the site


I’m thinking a lot more about how to build a community where all the new Dommes get to meet with subs, and they can play with each other through the prompts I give them..


How do I build a platform for all the Pervette’s to connect?


After my automatic writing, I got out of bed and went to Dad’s room, lit an incense, and said a prayer for and to him at his altar.

Then I picked up his shirt from the bed and sniffed it. It’s the shirt that he last wore. I found it on his bed next to the stained dried puddle of blood.

I imagined that night how he took off this shirt before he stabbed himself in the stomach, then in the heart.


The smell of him on the shirt is faint now, it’s been a year. I wish it would never fade

I want to smell him forever.


I’m not looking forward to my voice lesson at noon. I just want to journal and be quiet. I wonder if I should stop my lessons. I never practice and S7, my teacher, is always on my case about it.


I started my lessons back up again last summer after Dad passed away, I wanted to sing his favorite songs like the way his favorite divas (Celine Dion, Whitnet Houston, Better Middler) did.


S7 facetimed me at noon. I set up the phone on the tripod so she can see me at the keyboard from above.

I had eaten a bunch of cherries before my lesson, it made my throat sticky.


At first, after a few scales, she said I was slipping, my musical ear is rusty. It was just the mood I was in..


I played the major chords, arpeggio, and sang along..


Then she played the piano, sang a scale in some tricky way and I would mirror her.

By halfway through the lesson, my mind got meditative, I closed my eyes, listened to her voice and mimicked it easefully.

She was impressed.


Are you getting a roommate? Because that’s a pretty hefty payment you’re making on that house. I’m sure the property tax is crazy.

It is.


Are you gonna get a cat?

I’ve been thinking about it.

They’re pretty cute when they’re little.


How’s your mom?


These questions would come between the different exercises.


Have you been singing in Vietnamese?

Yeah, to my dad and grandma..

Can you share it or is it too personal.

It’s still too personal, but I can warm up to it.


She wants me to sing in Vietnamese..

My name is __  and I like to sing

So I did.

Wow. That was good. You found a melody..


Now sing, My name is __  and I like to sing and I just bought a house

So I sang that in Vietnamese.

That’s great. I want you to keep on doing that. And find a Vietnamese folk song to sing next time we meet.



I never quite look forward to my singing lesson, but I’m always glad I did it when I’m done. It’s a meditative practice. And I think it’s doing something to me and my vocal cords and listening ear.


I think at some point I’ll share with you parts of my voice lesson, you can hear me sing, miss notes, and connect with S7, she’s a white-haired woman, full of sass and spunk, wise in some ways, naive in others, definitely a magical character.


At 3, I called J3 as scheduled. She’s my high school boyfriend’s ex. They have a child together. She’s been wanting to connect with me and learn how to be a Domme. She’s been reaching out for almost a year. I’ve been hard to pin down. But on this blood moon Wednesday, we finally connected.


She has an accent. Chinese. She shares with me her story, grew up Christian, sexual trauma, abstinence, recent connection with a Dom that left her unsatisfied but curious. She wants to explore her Domme side. I told her I’d be happy to help. I told her I’ll see if I can have her come in and shadow one of my sessions in June..


She mentioned S Factor, a pole dancing class, I looked it up since I’ve been wanting to get into pole dancing and get a pole in the house, to complete the aerial trifecta in my house (aerial silk, hoop and pole). She said she can give me her pole since she’s not using it.


I call P2 to ask if he wants to go on a walk with me later. Something about this summer day is making me think about that time that I think he longs for, when I was in monk mode and he was the only person I saw for long stretches of time.

P2 said he would love to but he’s in Ohio visiting his folks. Oh right, I forgot. I told him when he gets back let’s go catch a film at the theatre like we used to. It’ll be so weird to be back in a theatre again. Maybe we can catch Nomadland. He said he would love that.


When I texted M8, wishing him a fun day with his family (in Delaware), he texted right back saying he was just about to text me.


P Facetimed me as I’m journaling with you. I can hear him splashing around in a pool of water. He’s in his hot tub. We chat, he gives me the lowdown on him and X, they chatted and got to the bottom of her pouty-ness. She feels like P is throwing her under the bus, saying bad things about her to his friends. Since P’s best friend told her that he doesn’t trust her, just based on P’s experience with her. He says he’s going to practice right speech now. I tell him I’m proud of him.

P had his first voice lesson today and he enjoyed it. So neat how we both had voice lessons today.


P says he’s going to have sugar baby come over in a bit, fuck, hot tub, then dinner is the plan..

That sounds nice. Have fun Mupps!



Around 6 I went for a hike in Tilden. On a new trail called rat pack trail. I did feel like a rat on it, the shrubs were tall and tunnel-like. I happened upon Jewel Lake, it was so lovely. Then I went up Memory Trail. There was no one on the trail. When I came back around, I started running, it felt so nice to run on a tiny trail.


It’s a meditative day. Since it’s a full moon, I didn’t eat any meat (per my mom’s buddhist instructions). Something about not eating meat or much of anything makes me even more spiritual and meditative)


I call S2, he’s excited to chat with her. He prefers I call him my patient rather than my client. Since I’m a doctor.

He has much to say

Things I bought:  Berkey filter refills, sensodyne toothpaste (since my current natural toothpastes (Weleda, David’s, and Dr. Bronner) aren’t cutting it for teeth cleaning) three stone hearth soups, Nada’s breast oil, Shein furry tops, rompers, pinafores (since M8 likes me girly and I’m enjoying branching out of my black health goth look), 3 beach coverups and pair of clear wedge espadrilles (for Yearning Man), gua shua stone kit, matcha tea set (for Bel Air house), mesquite powder, plantar 39 hair tonic, mct oil, Murad Ester C eye cream

What I put inside me: horsetail, holy basil and gingko tea with Dad, bowl of bing cherries, Erewhon pre-cut coconut, my bowl of matcha adaptogens, Real Coconut coconut tortilla chips and Erewhon gaucamole, Rich Nuts balsamic walnuts, soft boiled Duck egg, almonds, aloe vera, lemon and hot water, collagen


Thursday, May 27, 2021

It’s such a quiet day. I had no energy or desire to write even. I postponed my calls till tomorrow. Except for one.


I’m following my intuition. Even though I know I should move more quickly with “my work” a part of me is telling me to slow down so I can see all the pieces and how they all connect.


While I was doing the dishes I began to see how I can bring it all together, the pieces of Pervette.


I need to revisit and re-activate the Playground page.


I did a virtual session with a newbie. He was a sweet one. I rarely do phone sessions. But I could/should do more. It’s so fun to give JOI (jerk off instructions).


That was my brief interlude of connectivity, then I went back to my solitude.

I had this desire to drive a full loop from down the hill to San Pablo up Solano and back. Just to see how the world was moving, what was open, and how bright the sun was.


I continued reading The Blue Island. It was a father’s account of his passage from death to the blue world/afterlife channeled through a medium.

I read it while imagining Dad’s journey from his change/death onward. it was reassuring and affirming to what I can sense and know of his journey. At one point I started talking to him and Cutie, as I was by his altar and Cutie was with me. I felt his presence so deeply, I cried.

When I cry it’s not out of sadness, it’s either a spirit that I can sense or a truth that I can feel.


What I put inside me


Friday, May 28, 2021 6:24pm

Dear U,

Strange how the body moves. Yesterday I had no appetite, no desire to write, talk, or move. All I wanted to do is hold still, go slow and see clearly.

Today my appetite is voracious. I can’t stop eating, masturbating, writing, pacing, moving my workspace from moon room, to the round table to outside, my mind is swirling with ideas, too many to execute all at once, but I’m trying.


I’ve been recording, writing, editing pages on Pervette, going back to my old beginnings, trying to connect all the parts of my journey into one cohesive beginning. It’s pretty fucking tricky.

I feel like a crazy mad scientist.

Half the time I wonder what the hell I’m doing

The other half I’m just doing it.


It’s strange thing to feel compelled. I’m going with a flow that seems not of my own but outside of me.

Like I’m letting something outside of me guide me, and my moment to moment choices. All of this time, looking back, I think working on pervette is just a practice of surrender..

surrender to my desire?

or a desire to surrender?


masturbation, meditation, then prayer is a potent sequence


Impromptuition spiral drive to a new trail, gloaming walk and run, I’m the only one there, it’s a little creepy but very surreal


Back at home, deep meditative space

Chat with M8, family life is chaos and anti-magic he says, he can’t wait to be back in our cozy bubble


My friend delivers the mushrooms in the form of 20 chocolate pussies


I meditate on the biomat by Dad’s altar, with Cutie sitting on my chest and my holding her hand, I went so deep


Then I listened to my audio recordings on my recorder of me and M8 together, this was a few months ago, our love making sessions are epic..

I think I want to put this on Pervette, on the deeper levels


Then I went back to old old recordings on my iPhone

There was one of Dad driving me around town, giving me “a lesson” on being “flexible”

I listen as I look at Dad’s framed and candlelit photo in front of me

In th recording I can hear talking about driving by Garden Grove hospital, the hospital I was born in


I went back to my analog day planner and record my unwritten days of April and May..

It’s hard to recall what happened on April 21st when all I wrote was that I bought fruit and flowers for Grandma’s death anniversary.

But somehow I was able to recall what happened that afternoon. I decide to go for a walk with D5. And right before my walk, I stopped by M8’s place. I made both of them a matcha latte, unbeknownst to each other..

Saturday, May 28, 2021 11:44pm

Dear U,

What a strange day..

Change in weather, hazy morning, sun came through by noon, and then it got super chilly and windy


Earlier in the morning I called my mom.  Ia asked her how she like her Barbie. She said it’s really taller, taller than my old Barbies, we talk about the blanket she’s knitting for me, the different color combos.

I asked if I should make a day trip down to celebrate Father’s Day with her and my stepdad. She said that seems like a lot.

I ask what I should get him. 2k, she suggested.

That’s a lot, but okay.

Or how about a new iPad? the green one, he probably won’t use it so I will use it.

Mom has 4 iPads that she’s currently using..


I text my stepdad to see how he’s doing. I feel for him. None of his biological kids talk to him anymore, because he’s not into Trump and they are the biggest Vietnamese Trump supporters out there. I mean one of his daughters (who’s a slight Viet celebrity) has a Youtube channel dedicated to her love for Trump.

Ask how the weather is down there.

He says it’s hazy and he’s meeting uo with old friends for the first time since Covid. They’re eating lunch right now.

It’s nice to see things are back to normalish.


I was supposed to go on a journey today. But I felt slightly nauseous and my tummy felt strange after my usual matcha latte, so we postponed our trip to tomorrow.

I’m glad I listened to my body, I wasn’t ready to be in Shamanatrix mode today.

At first I thought it might be the matcha,

I don’t think it was the matcha..

It’s hard to describe this knowing feeling..

Sometimes I get these weird sensations, not quite headache, not quite cramps, not quite nausea, but faintly all of it

I’ve experienced this in slightly different sensations before, it’s my body telling me to do nothing but meditate.

And so I did.

My tummyache went away, the nausea still there, tingly head sensations .


I started to chant to release the energy, the sound coming through ws so clear. I chanted in Vietnamese, a song for my Dad.

By 3ish I felt more normal but still airy, I decide to head out, catch the tail closing end of the farmer’s market, got some produce for the post trip dinner, fruit, pistachio butter, tinctures, broccoli sprouts, smoked halibut, cheese, eggs.


what the heck I’ll run all my errands, deposit money in bank, get gas, drop off dry cleaning, get car washed, renew my UPS box, buy a bday gift form sis (it’s her bday tomorrow), buy some gifts for my friends’ kids,

I got them a metallic watercolor set and set of blank postcard papers to paint on


I got myself this mini “Buddhaboard” a board I can paint on with water, and when the water evaporates my painting disappears,


When I got home, I started creating masturbatory page on Pervette, it’s a just a page filled with audio recordings of my orgasms.

I came across so many recordings of me masturbating and coming in my voice messages last night.

It was so quick and easy to upload them..

and the recorder in me had to give a little context and date to each orgasm



I pervette as I paint on my buddhaboard, the two activities go really well side by side.


I tinker with the Pervette Levels page

And I created this page that’s dedicated to my collected sounds

I know it all seems random, but eventually it will all connect.


I had the epiphany of how it’s all going to connect today as I was tidying up the house.

Note to self: cleaning, putting around the house things in order leads to  putting things in order in pervette


I still wan tot go back and journal about trip down south, one really special days are unrecorded


how do it do it? stay present, and record


these past couple of nights, I’ve stayed up till 2 to just record what I ate these past 2 weeks, what I did in April, earlier this month..

it’s a weird obsession, but these days are too special, these moments too magical to let them slip and fade..must record

my future self will thank me


I know it because the regrets I have now are of the things I didn’t keep from when I was little. Every object holds a memory, a moment, that’s the most precious thing

I wish I kept my Precious Moments dolls and trinkets

Remember those?

I wish I kept my flute music. I bet I can play the flute again like I used to if I have them..


I wish I kept the old rolls of film I never developed.


Anyways, the point is. I don’t want to let go. I want to remember everything.

I don’t care how un zen I am.

This neurosis I trust.


It’s so windy, change is in the air..


I book my jsx flight for father’s day

Sunday, May 31, 2021


It’s my sister’s bday today.

It’s also my dad’s death anniversary according to the lunar calendar.


I activate Dad’s shrines, as I normally would, this time I add an offering of oranges, I wish I had more fruit but there wasn’t much at the farmer’s market yesterday


P2 picks up Cutie at 10:30, we have a brief visit, then I call my sis to wish her a happy bday, she doesn’t pick up, I send her a group message with mom and my stepdad, so we can all wish her a happy bday

Mom calls. we chat. I change my farther’s day flight so that I take off the day after, rather than the night of Father’s Day. More time is good.

11am I call L a former colleague at the Gates, who wants to rent at Valhalla.

We talk about the Gates, the headmistress there that very few can get along with because she wants to be treated like the headmistress.

I tell her if she ever needs a pep talk on raising her rate, just holler.

She says that’s refreshing, as it took the headmistress of the Gates over 7 years to raise the tribute for the girls by $20.


Sister calls back, we chat, or mostly she’s talking complaining about her clients who are complaining to her about her numbers and comps.


Noon I call F, another pro domme who wants to rent at Valhalla. I asked her what happened to her last setup. She starts sobbing and tells me the whole story, the nasty breakup with her ex who owned the last dungeon she was working at, whom she called a narcissist

“shes not even a covert narcissist”

She’s just as bad as the headmistress of Fantasy Makers..

Hmm..I sense a running theme. Dungeon owners are narcissists.

Geez, I hope I’m not one.

We talk about the cultish nature of these houses od domination It’s such a mindfuck to be in a disempowered position, under the thumb of these headmistresses while playing the part of a women in power in session.

It was fun talking about the Gates vs Fantasymakers..

I told her my impressions of FM, it was more shabby but supposedly it had a more closeknnit sorority vibe

She said that’s what most people thought, but it was just toxic as the Gates.

She said she’s still unlearning all the bad programming of devaluing herself at “Grandma’s Discounted Dungeon.”


It’s crazy that we all started in such a sub par situation. It’s not like the houses actually train us. We learn by shadowing, if we’re lucky.


All this talk made me realize, I can’t fucking wait to launch Mistressclass, offer an actual training, and empower Dommes to “know their value, and raise teir rate until they feel empowered.


We got to talking about BDSM, I shared my philosophy of kink, she was inspired and excited to learn more..

I realized in talking to he that what I have to offer in my approach to kink can also help current Dommes who feel stuck in their journey..



Thursday, June 3, 2021 11:19am

Bel Air


Dear U,

I had a very interesting dream with the creator of Beavis and Butthead having some kind of dementia or illness where his brain was deteriorating. I wanted to meet him. I was told to watch his latest documentary, which was the name of my friend but uttered through a slurred speech.

I woke up at 6 took a 5-htp and had another dream… I was having a meal with Dad and another woman, a family member. We were seated outside on a rooftop patio. It was a Vietnamese meal. There were planter boxes to the sides of the patio. I was told to take a look at what was growing inside the box. I remember being surprised at what I saw. It was beautiful and glowing.

I don’t remember what Dad was doing, but I ember his presence. It was so loving. Kind, gentle. He was smiling and happy to be with me, in that moment.

I woke up from the dream (still in a dream)

I was holding a bowl of Vietnamese curry soup (ga ro ti is what it’s called in Vietnamese) in it while I was in bed with white sheets. I somehow had managed to not spill any of the bright  yellow soup on the sheets that whole time.

My sister was with me. I told her about me dream with Dad. How amazing it was to be with him. I said something I don’t remember now. I don’t want to lose that feeling. Maybe I was holding on to it in the same way I was holding on to the soup.


The way P and I sleep and wake is so different from the way I sleep with M. M and I cuddle all night and wake up to a deep long fucking, then we shower together, I make us matcha he makes us breakfast.

P wakes up before I do. He quietly slips out. Makes his latte, and goes through his emails and gets to 0 in his inbox.

I wake up slowly, record my dreams and write out my morning pages. I meditate. I feel into Dad. I’m in a trance.

I head the maid come in. P is giving her instructions. He says there’s clothes for her to iron. I think I I should give her my dress to iron so I can wear it today.


I decide to take my shower downstairs in the guest room downstairs where all my luggage and toiletries are.


I feel my breast in the shower. They feel really big and heavy.

Holy fuck. What if my toilet yesterday was on to something when he asked if I was pregnant?


My breasts have been feeling larger than normal since Tuesday.


I randomly remember a conversation I had a few weeks ago with a new friend, she asked me who she should talk to since she’s considering having breast implants. Maybe that was her way of seeing if I had breast implants?

My breasts are 32D, they are atypically larger than most Asian women.

Right now, they feel like 32DD.


Am I ready to have a baby now? I contemplate this as I see the water in the shower is not draining and climbing up my feet.

I try to to take a quick shower. By the time I’m done, the water has nearly reached the level over flow in the stand in shower.


I remember the two toilets downstairs got clogged from the party. This must be the residual aftermath of it.


As I’m drying up, I transfer 1044 audio recordings from my sd card into my external hard drive (all the recordings from March until now). Then I hear gurgly sounds coming from the bathroom in the guest room. I peer in. Sewage is coming from the shower drain. The water is turning brown. Thank god I finished my shower when I did. If I had stayed 2 minutes longer it would’ve been a shitshow.


I hear the maid in the bathroom next door. She’s flushing the toilet a bunch. I peer in and she’s been plunging away at the toilet.

Uhh Linda (I learned later that her name isn’t Linda, but P told me it was, he was wrong). I think we have sewage coming into the other bathroom. Wirth plunger in hand she checks out the other bathroom with me.

Oh no, I thought I was helping but I didn’t know..and P is in his meeting right now, she said.

I can talk to him.

I holler to P who’s on a zoom company meeting. He looks annoyed as he has to turn away from the screen to see both me and Linda by the guest room looking disconcerted..

We got a plumbing situation. It’s kinda a shitty situation..

What I put inside me: lemon water

Back to my previous week