Sunday, Nov 3, 2019 2:32pm

 

Dear U,

I thought itwould only take 2 hours but I spent most of the morning up until now, tidying up the house: laundry, damp-mopped the floors, tackled the shoe closet, and the stacks of new books in the moon room.

I felt uneasy seeing all my stuff. I have so much stuff.

I have a book buying addiction. It’s real.

How am I going to move all these books? All this stuff?

I feel queasy, sick of myself.

Maybe it’s also knowing that I spent the past 5 years filling up this 4400 sq ft house of stuff. I have so many whips, so much lingerie, so many books, so many tote bags, what’s wrong with me??

.

Evcery book I pick up and try to organize draws me in. Every book excites and inspires, how am I going to find the time to read all 1300+ of them?

Cleaning the house made me somber, I have to say goodbye.

I made the house close to immaculate. I used the gimbal and my iphone and toured the house filming it, in this afternoon light.

.

M should be here by now to put on his maid outfit. The girls should be arriving at 3 to have Domme Tea with me. I don’t feel social, at all..

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, Nov 6, 2019 12:08pm

 

Dear U,

A2 left early this morning , around 4:30am, while P and I were still asleep.

P and I woke up around 6:40, as the sun was just about to come up. We were all muppety and lovey dovey.

Everything is shifting..

.

Funny how before A2 arrived Sunday, I thought about asking her to subtly slip some seeds into P’s brain about holding on to this house so A2 and I can do our retreats and workshops here. It felt like a sisterlywifey thing to do, but I never did ask her.

Instead, she was the one who convinced me that it’ll be good thing to find a new space, that’s just to my liking and will be everything I want. (As if she was on P’s side trying to convince me to let go).

.

In bed with P, he said A2 said everything he was trying to say to me but in a way that actually landed. It’s true, her touch was more empathic. Maybe it’s a girl thing. Or a sisterwife thing.

.

P and I did yoga together this morning on his ipad through his yoga studio app. 30 min. He does the same video every morning. I like the clean looking shots, and the cute yoga gal’s soothing voice. This is my third time doing it with him. I like us doing yoga together..

 

Thursday, Nov 7, 2019 11:51am

 

Dear U,

You know what’s happening when you don’t hear from me.

EVERYTHING

is happening.

How do I begin to fill you in on everything?

.

 

Right now, it’s this

tears flowed for a good 3 hours since breakfast with P this morning.

We were talking about Pervette.

Even though these tears came from a place of pain, it was good, because it’s the truth that wants to flow out.

.

I think what it is, is that I wish for him to believe in me and what I’m doing. Like truly. He says he believes in me, but I actually don’t feel it. I can tell that he’s just saying it because that’s what a partner is supposed to say. But he doesn’t mean it. Yes, he’s fatigued from hearing me talk about it for 5 years and true it’s still not officially launched yet. Yes, yes..

I get it.

.

I get that from looking at this website, you can’t see it. What I see, in my head. And my road to getting you there involves a lot more words, a lot more truth to be told, and a lot of more of myself to be shared

This isn’t just work on a website, this is work on myself.

This is me pouring all of my heart and soul into something that I want to give you.

And maybe you don’t see it yet. Its value. What it can offer.

I’m still working on it/myself.

.

I’m living breathing pervette in almost every minute of my life. It’s in every fiber of me. It truly feels like I’m pregnant with her. And my timing of when she was due has been wildly off, I know that.

But all I cant say is that I trust this. Because everything that’s happening, the timing of with whom I connect and the ideas that come to me are unfolding in such a way that I know of it was meant to be rushed, that all of this is happening as it should.

.

I’ve been crying so hard my body feels wonky. My eyes are swollen. My nose has finally stopped dripping.

.

To think I thought I had all morning to pervette.

P’s uber hiccup

then his plan malfunction

our talk over the unexpected breakfast together

.

All these emotions unleashed

What am I supposed to do with them?

..

time to pervette

 8:03pm

 

I didn’t pervette. I couldn’t

I was still feeling all the emotions.

Even rage.

I let out some primal scream, several times, even banged the floor, all the while crying

I put the singing bowl  upside down on my headand banged it, several times

like a crazy person

F  key

It’s supposed to be heart opening

I felt like something was opening

.

I cried until I couldn’t cry any more..

.

..

 

I guess I should tell you what happened before all that..

.

The morning started as it normally had these past few days, me and P doing yoga.

But then his stomach was feeling funny so we stopped midway.

Then his uber that was 17 min away was continually 17 min away, so I told him I can take him to breakfast and concord airport (for him to do his flying lesson), which he much rather preferred and  appreciated.

That was time taken away  from me pervetting, but it seem like the right thing to do for your partner, acts of service, and it would be good quality time

.

We went to Tutu’s in Lafayette. His new fave breakfast spot in the east bay. It was my first time there. It used to be Chow, before they closed down.

I got mint tea and two extra pots of hot water. One for my lemon water and another for my own special chaga tea I brought.

At breakfast P was commenting on how nice it was that he was so appreciated by A2 when he gave her good business advice the other night, which I agreed.

In that same vein, I wanted his business advice on this idea that I had, a mini day  or afternoon version of Powerplay, but in the context of a Domme Tea Party

He said I should just focus on one thing, just work on Pervette.

.

It was the way he said it, like I have too many ideas and that I’m all ideas, I can tell that’s what he meant by the tone.

.

More back and forth then tears started to well

and flow.

.

His comments were snide.

My feelings were hurt.

.

Now he’s commenting on my crying.

.

At some point, I started getting rationally coherent about what’s going on

.

Whenever I want to share with him something about Pervette, it’s always brushed off as I’m all talk and I just need to do it.

.

It’s frustrating because I have been doing it, my process may look like the way he does it, but I am.

I mean I did launch pervette in 2015. As a blog, and then I realized, I don’t want a blog. I want to build something deeper than that. And that’s been my journey, imagineering this.

.

He says he’s been supportive, he got me my domain.

But that’s the thing, that’s all he can say.

What I really need is for him to engage with me

And treat this like it’s a business

not some fluffy art project that’s all talk.

.

Every time I want to share with him my process, my ideas,

he doesn’t want to hear it

he just brushes it off.

.

I explain why I had the high noon domme tea idea, as a lower bar to bring interested women in ..

he gets it.

.

“You know how to pitch pervette”

He said as I tried to explain what it is to him..

Again, it’s the tone.

.

Anyways, I can’t remember all the talk. But he somehow finally saw it, that I was right.

He doesn’t want to engage wit me on pervette

because I haven’t done enough for him to deem it worthy to engage on.

..

At some point he sees how much this hurts me.

He comes back around, but I’ve already gone done the weeping hole.

.

I tell him that all this is because I think he’s brilliant and I see his advice as so valuable, and I’m blown away by how he can bring things into action. I just want a piece of that.

He was touched by that.

His broker calls him, he doesn’t pick up as we were talking.

Then she texted. Saying good call on sticking to his guns, the seller accepted his 3M offer. He got the Montlake house.

.

The montlake is the house I’m not find of.

Since Saturday,  I’m more indifferent about what house he buys.

S he got the ugly house, he likes it. That’s all that matters, I guess.

.

I’m more emotionally involved with how he views my baby pervette.

.

it’s crazy how I just got a house, all in the time we were having this conversation, he said.

Yeah..

.

Then he got the news that there are still mechanical issues with the plane today, so no lesson, which means P he’s coming back to the house and has a free day.

.

My whole day to myself to pervette got shot, it seem..

 

We went to Urban Remedy next door, he got me a pack of Cacao Protein bars, some no oatmeal cookies and Glow juice.

.

P at this point is in a great mood and trying to be supportive and loving.

I’m trying to let the emotions past but I’m just sad.

 

Because it finally hit me at breakfast. He doesn’t really believe in me.

 

He doesn’t want to engage with me on pervette.

Which is probably the most important thing to me.

.

We came home at 10:19am

My meditation with the guru remotely was at 10:30, that was perfect.

 

.

More tears flowed during the meditation,

at moments I was able to just feel and not think about how sad I was

.

It’s strange. At some point at breakfast, when my words landed, P got it.

He saw how much it hurts to not get his support.

He turned around. He became sweet and supportive

But just because he can boomerang doesn’t mean I follow suit in lock step and be chipper.

I was still stuck in my sadness.

.

So when he went out for lunch and asked if I wanted to join, I said no, I want to hang back to work on pervette.

.

I didn’t, I just cried until I didn’t have any tears left and I said a prayer to Quanyin.

.

When P came back from lunch. He was super sweet. He brougt me backl some food and hugged me and heard me, when I told him

 

His opinions mean so much to me. And pervette means so much to me.

He got it.

.

It’s weird, even though he gets it, and is empathetic. And is being sweet now

I somehow can’t seem to snap out of it. This sad weeping mood.

It’s like it got unlocked and now I just have to ride this ocean of emotions that just doesn’t want to stop..

.

And I’m also annoyed that this day was supposed to be a day of pervetting, but instead it became a day of being emotional and crying my eyes out.

.

Why did this happen?

.

I have to trust the universe. One thing after another, the uber, the plane, the house P bought, it’s all happening for a reason.

.

At least now P says he wants to support me and help make pervette a success and that we can spend all the time we want when we see each other next in Bali talking about it.

.

 

I talked to S3.

We got caught up.

His divorce battle is getting crazy.

His attorney said to him,

when you marry crazy, you divorce crazy.

I told him what was up with me, how I feel like P sees Pervette as a silly art project.

S3 was very sweet about it. Me being sad felt like a good segue into breaking the news to him:

I told him that I’ve been feeling into it and I just think it’s a good idea to live together. I realize I really need my space. I don’t want us co-habitating to get in the way of our relationship. As I’ve learned the hard way with P and Her..

 

And I have so much stuff, I actually need to find a house all to myself to move into.

.

He got it..

.

 

P and I did yoga, to finish what we started this morning.

Then we jumped in the hot tub.

.

He’s so giddy, he got the house he wanted, he’s looking int Crisscraft boats, he can get one used for 200K, which to him, is a deal.

I listen along.

It was nice. Even though I wasn’t at the same level of excitement as he was, or even the opposite, he accepted my mood, and he was loving..

.

He got out to shower first, while I hung back and enjoyed the evening air.

When he came out, he said he had good news and bad news..

 

 

 

Friday, Nov 8, 2019 7:01 pm

 

So much is happening..

I’m about to take off with A for Tahoe. If you don’t hear from me, you kinda know why..

 

 

Sunday, Nov 10, 2019 7:04pm

 

Dear U,

I’m back from Tahoe. Crazy how 48 jours ago, I was just fully packed and ready to go. And now I’m here fully unpacked, sitting on my biomat, writing to you.

.

It’s been a trend, every time I go to Tahoe, it’s only for 2 nights.

.

It was a really lovely weekend with A.

We did MDMA.

We had amazing sex.

We peed on each other.

So much happened in so little time.

.

I’m sure it’s a mixture of the comedown from Molly

And parting with A,

I feel melancholic.

Like a part of me wants to be in his arms right now.

.

It’s strange, when I see A, I think about him for days.

And then after a certain period the languor wanes,

I move on to the next thing or person occupying my attention.

.

So here I am again, thinking about A.

I’m sure it’s the MDMA too

All that heart-opening.

.

P just sent me an animoji saying he loves me and wants to touch base when I’m free

I think I’ll call him back, I wonder if he can help with displacing these feelings

 

.

(Later)

 

I did call P. He asked about my weekend.
I told him I did Molly with A.

I dot some D, I, C, K (we have this thing forever where we spell out dick when we talk about me having sex with another guy)

I said it was fun. We peed on each other.

P laughs, What’s up with you and peeing on people?

I dunno, it’s how I bond when I’m on MDMA.

 

.

P says he thinks he’s gonna get the new 2019 Crisscraft boat.

It’s about 300K

 

Lemme send you the pics mupps

He texts me the pics

.

Look at the lines he says,

that dark blue accent with red stripes, uhh.

and the teeeak!

Uhh

He bites his fist.

He sounds like he’s about to jizz all over himself

.

I told P how much I appreciate his supportive words, he sent me a sweet lovebomb text Saturday while I was in Tahoe, supporting me and Pervette.

(I guess that crazy emo Thursday was all worth it, bc he’s made a complete 180 on his relationship to me and Pervette).

He says that he might had some negative energy towards Pervette whenever I choose Pervette over doing things with him, like going flying with him.

I tell him I get that, but I’m at a time and place where I have to be extra conscious of my time and how I spend it, which he totally gets.

.

After we hang up, I log on to my States of Jhanas online course and listened to the dharma talk while laying on the biomat, I kept on falling asleep and replaying it, then I went downstairs into the zen den, laid on the slant board and re-listened to the talk, and fell asleep, woke up around 3 and went to bed. And dreamt some more..

 

 

 

 

 

Back to my previous week