Sunday, Nov 3, 2019 2:32pm


Dear U,

I thought it  would only take 2 hours but I spent most of the morning up until now, tidying up the house  for the Domme Tea  today: laundry, damp-mopped the floors, tackled the shoe closet, and the stacks of new books in the moon room.

I felt uneasy seeing all my stuff. I have so much stuff.

SOOOO many books.

OMG I have a book buying addiction. It’s for fucking reals.

How am I going to move all these books? All this stuff?

I feel queasy, sick of myself.

Maybe it’s also knowing that I spent the past 5 years filling up this 4400 sq ft house with stuff. I have so many whips, so much lingerie, so many books, so many tote bags, notebooks, pens, what’s wrong with me??


Every book I pick up and try to organize draws me in. Every book excites and inspires, how am I going to find the time to read all 1300+ of them?

Cleaning the house made me somber, because I can already for it, the imminent goodbye.

I made the house close to immaculate.

Then I pulled out the new gimbal and my iphone and toured the house filming it, in the golden afternoon light.


M should be here by now to put on his maid outfit. The girls should be arriving at 3 to have Domme Tea with me. I don’t feel social, at all..


(written later)

I wasn’t social because I was actually meditative..

The girls arrived, they dressed up, while I was in my usual black comfy uniform.

They were blown away by the house, and the snacks, and my tea collection, and M in his maid outfit…

T9 got to learn how to flog on M, and A9 got a good foot rub, they were so giddy from this novel experience

It was really interesting to see how A9 was kinda growing more enamored by me by the minute. In a span of 2 hours, I saw this super rad and bold high powered CEO (that I was crushing on from our first meeting) turn into my willing sub. And I was doing nothing, really. I wasn’t Domme-y, if anything I was in monk mode. By the near end of our teatime, S was telling me that I have something that makes her want to submit to me.  She wants me to be her domme mom and spiritual teacher. I told her I’d be happy to, and she gushed.

Funny how I feel like I have so much to learn from her, on how to start a company.

She said she would be so happy to help me with pervette.

It was all fated. I’m sure we were meant to connect to start this matriarchal revolution or something.


After the girls left, I left M change into his regular clothes and I made us a salad as we caught up.


After he took off, I had a few hours to myself before A2 got in from NY.


Around 10pm A2 arrived.

She took an UberX instead of UberPool, she’s upgrading.

I helped her with her luggage down to her room, the blue room. She peeled and diced one of me persimmons and we ate it together as we caught up.


Last time she was here, the first thing she did when she arrived was peeled my pomelo and we ate it together.

Us eating asian fruits, it really does feel like A2 is my sister of another mother.


What else have you returned at Whole Foods? I asked

Oh I dunno ,I returned an avocado because it was brown on the inside, ice cream because there was ice on the top, cilantro because it got willty the next day..

How much did you get back for the cilantro?


Whoa, that’s crazy.

Monday, Nov 4, 2019


We left the house around 9 and I drove us up to Mendocino  to check out the potential new venue for Breakup Bootcamp.



On the ride, we bounced around business-y ideas.


Why can’t our guys help us build our amazing business? A asks, obviously we have a multimillion dollar empire in the works here.


We saw the Land. And got the tour of the space, cabins, farm, garden. And we were even fed lunch. We loved the space, the folks, and vibe. And so just like that A2 made the deposit and we locked in our venue for the Feb bootcamp. It happened all pretty quickly.


When we got home, I wanted to go for a short run during the sunset, so I did. I was feeling unusually superactive. I kept on runnning and kept on  going and going. My body just wanted to be stretched..

So I got on the hoop and silk  as well.


A2 was craving spring rolls from Xyclo and my veggie stirfry. So I put in a caviar order..

And I started prepping the stirfry.


P flew down with the instructor today from Seattle and they went flying around the Bay, and he arrived just in time for dinner. All the mupps are together. I did the cooking as P and A2 got caught up. P is excitedly telling A2 about boats.

He submitted another offer for the ugly house, 3M, after he insulted the owner with his first offer 2.85.

I didn’t seem to care that he did. I continued cooking. Yay for developing equanimity.


A2 and I ate a fuck ton. We ate all our stirfry and then all the spring rolls which P had none of. He was shocked by our bottomless stomachs.

I wasn’t even that hungry to begin with, but I can eat if the food is front of me and yummy.

A2 was happy she got her sugarcane shrimp spring rolls. She’s been craving them ever since I introduced them to her last May when she was here.

I ate most of the vegan Buddha rolls, which were my favorite.


I felt selfless since I did all the cooking and cleaning while P and A2 chatted. I was happy to. Since P was just telling A2 all the things he’s excited about. P showed A2 pics of the 2 houses, the ugly one and the W. Seattle. She gushed over the West Seattle one  I liked.

I quickly made us chocolate maca bars for desert.

It was too spicy for P and he spat it out in the trash. I keep forgetting how delicate his palette his.

He had ordered ice cream sandwiches from CREAM so he had his desert coming.


P was bummed that both A2 and I didn’t feel like hopping in his plane with him Wednesday as he flies to Reno to visit our friend S and his grown farm. He acted all muppety sad, he was about to order the special headsets for us, but maybe he doesn’t need to.

He looks so cute when he’s muppety and crestfallen.


Oh what? P and A2 just realized that they’re gonna be on the same flight from Hong Kong to Bali in 2 weeks.


We’re excited for our second Bali trip together this year. We reflect on how amazing our lives are.


I was aware that I it was gonna be a late night for me. Because I still had reading to do for my class tomorrow morning.

So after all the cleaning, I started reading, and stayed up until 3 reading about Gil’s theory/slant about the Four Noble Truths..




Wednesday, Nov 6, 2019 12:08pm


Dear U,

A2 left early this morning , around 4:30am, while P and I were still asleep.

P and I woke up around 6:40, as the sun was just about to come up. We were all muppety and lovey dovey.

Everything is shifting..


Funny how before A2 arrived Sunday, I thought about asking her to subtly slip some seeds into P’s brain about holding on to this house so A2 and I can do our retreats and workshops here. It felt like a sisterlywifey thing to do, but I never did ask her.

Instead, she was the one who convinced me that it’ll be good thing to find a new space, that’s just to my liking and will be everything I want. (As if she was on P’s side trying to convince me to let go).


In bed with P, he said A2 said everything he was trying to say to me but in a way that actually landed. It’s true, her touch was more empathic. Maybe it’s a girl thing. Or a sisterwife thing.


P and I did yoga together this morning on his ipad through his yoga studio app. 30 min. He does the same video every morning. I like the clean looking shots, and the cute yoga gal’s soothing voice. This is my third time doing it with him. I like us doing yoga together..


Thursday, Nov 7, 2019 11:51am


Dear U,

You know what’s happening when you don’t hear from me.


is happening.

How do I begin to fill you in on everything?



Right now, it’s this

tears flowed for a good 3 hours since breakfast with P this morning.

We were talking about Pervette.

Even though these tears came from a place of pain, it was good, because it’s the truth that wants to flow out.


I think what it is, is that I wish for him to believe in me and what I’m doing. Like truly. He says he believes in me, but I actually don’t feel it. I can tell that he’s just saying it because that’s what a partner is supposed to say. But he doesn’t mean it. Yes, he’s fatigued from hearing me talk about it for 5 years and true it’s still not officially launched yet. Yes, yes..

I get it.


I get that from looking at this website, you can’t see it. What I see, in my head. And my road to getting you there involves a lot more words, a lot more truth to be told, and a lot of more of myself to be shared

This isn’t just work on a website, this is work on myself.

This is me pouring all of my heart and soul into something that I want to give you.

And maybe you don’t see it yet. Its value. What it can offer.

I’m still working on it/myself.


I’m living breathing pervette in almost every minute of my life. It’s in every fiber of me. It truly feels like I’m pregnant with her. And my timing of when she was due has been wildly off, I know that.

But all I cant say is that I trust this. Because everything that’s happening, the timing of with whom I connect and the ideas that come to me are unfolding in such a way that I know of it was meant to be rushed, that all of this is happening as it should.


I’ve been crying so hard my body feels wonky. My eyes are swollen. My nose has finally stopped dripping.


To think I thought I had all morning to pervette.

P’s uber hiccup

then his plan malfunction

our talk over the unexpected breakfast together


All these emotions unleashed

What am I supposed to do with them?


time to pervette



I didn’t pervette. I couldn’t

I was still feeling all the emotions.

Even rage.

I let out some primal scream, several times, even banged the floor, all the while crying

I put the singing bowl  upside down on my headand banged it, several times

like a crazy person

F  key

It’s supposed to be heart opening

I felt like something was opening


I cried until I couldn’t cry any more..




I guess I should tell you what happened before all that..


The morning started as it normally had these past few days, me and P doing yoga.

But then his stomach was feeling funny so we stopped midway.

Then his uber that was 17 min away was continually 17 min away, so I told him I can take him to breakfast and concord airport (for him to do his flying lesson), which he much rather preferred and  appreciated.

That was time taken away  from me pervetting, but it seem like the right thing to do for your partner, acts of service, and it would be good quality time


We went to Tutu’s in Lafayette. His new fave breakfast spot in the east bay. It was my first time there. It used to be Chow, before they closed down.

I got mint tea and two extra pots of hot water. One for my lemon water and another for my own special chaga tea I brought.

At breakfast P was commenting on how nice it was that he was so appreciated by A2 when he gave her good business advice the other night, which I agreed.

In that same vein, I wanted his business advice on this idea that I had, a mini day  or afternoon version of Powerplay, but in the context of a Domme Tea Party

He said I should just focus on one thing, just work on Pervette.


It was the way he said it, like I have too many ideas and that I’m all ideas, I can tell that’s what he meant by the tone.


More back and forth then tears started to well

and flow.


His comments were snide.

My feelings were hurt.


Now he’s commenting on my crying.


At some point, I started getting rationally coherent about what’s going on


Whenever I want to share with him something about Pervette, it’s always brushed off as I’m all talk and I just need to do it.


It’s frustrating because I have been doing it, my process may look like the way he does it, but I am.

I mean I did launch pervette in 2015. As a blog, and then I realized, I don’t want a blog. I want to build something deeper than that. And that’s been my journey, imagineering this.


He says he’s been supportive, he got me my domain.

But that’s the thing, that’s all he can say.

What I really need is for him to engage with me

And treat this like it’s a business

not some fluffy art project that’s all talk.


Every time I want to share with him my process, my ideas,

he doesn’t want to hear it

he just brushes it off.


I explain why I had the high noon domme tea idea, as a lower bar to bring interested women in ..

he gets it.


“You know how to pitch pervette”

He said as I tried to explain what it is to him..

Again, it’s the tone.


Anyways, I can’t remember all the talk. But he somehow finally saw it, that I was right.

He doesn’t want to engage wit me on pervette

because I haven’t done enough for him to deem it worthy to engage on.


At some point he sees how much this hurts me.

He comes back around, but I’ve already gone done the weeping hole.


I tell him that all this is because I think he’s brilliant and I see his advice as so valuable, and I’m blown away by how he can bring things into action. I just want a piece of that.

He was touched by that.

His broker calls him, he doesn’t pick up as we were talking.

Then she texted. Saying good call on sticking to his guns, the seller accepted his 3M offer. He got the Montlake house.


The montlake is the house I’m not find of.

Since Saturday,  I’m more indifferent about what house he buys.

S he got the ugly house, he likes it. That’s all that matters, I guess.


I’m more emotionally involved with how he views my baby pervette.


it’s crazy how I just got a house, all in the time we were having this conversation, he said.



Then he got the news that there are still mechanical issues with the plane today, so no lesson, which means P he’s coming back to the house and has a free day.


My whole day to myself to pervette got shot, it seem..


We went to Urban Remedy next door, he got me a pack of Cacao Protein bars, some no oatmeal cookies and Glow juice.


P at this point is in a great mood and trying to be supportive and loving.

I’m trying to let the emotions past but I’m just sad.


Because it finally hit me at breakfast. He doesn’t really believe in me.


He doesn’t want to engage with me on pervette.

Which is probably the most important thing to me.


We came home at 10:19am

My meditation with the guru remotely was at 10:30, that was perfect.



More tears flowed during the meditation,

at moments I was able to just feel and not think about how sad I was


It’s strange. At some point at breakfast, when my words landed, P got it.

He saw how much it hurts to not get his support.

He turned around. He became sweet and supportive

But just because he can boomerang doesn’t mean I follow suit in lock step and be chipper.

I was still stuck in my sadness.


So when he went out for lunch and asked if I wanted to join, I said no, I want to hang back to work on pervette.


I didn’t, I just cried until I didn’t have any tears left and I said a prayer to Quanyin.


When P came back from lunch. He was super sweet. He brougt me backl some food and hugged me and heard me, when I told him


His opinions mean so much to me. And pervette means so much to me.

He got it.


It’s weird, even though he gets it, and is empathetic. And is being sweet now

I somehow can’t seem to snap out of it. This sad weeping mood.

It’s like it got unlocked and now I just have to ride this ocean of emotions that just doesn’t want to stop..


And I’m also annoyed that this day was supposed to be a day of pervetting, but instead it became a day of being emotional and crying my eyes out.


Why did this happen?


I have to trust the universe. One thing after another, the uber, the plane, the house P bought, it’s all happening for a reason.


At least now P says he wants to support me and help make pervette a success and that we can spend all the time we want when we see each other next in Bali talking about it.



I talked to S3.

We got caught up.

His divorce battle is getting crazy.

His attorney said to him,

when you marry crazy, you divorce crazy.

I told him what was up with me, how I feel like P sees Pervette as a silly art project.

S3 was very sweet about it. Me being sad felt like a good segue into breaking the news to him:

I told him that I’ve been feeling into it and I just think it’s a good idea to live together. I realize I really need my space. I don’t want us co-habitating to get in the way of our relationship. As I’ve learned the hard way with P and Her..


And I have so much stuff, I actually need to find a house all to myself to move into.


He got it..



P and I did yoga, to finish what we started this morning.

Then we jumped in the hot tub.


He’s so giddy, he got the house he wanted, he’s looking int Crisscraft boats, he can get one used for 200K, which to him, is a deal.

I listen along.

It was nice. Even though I wasn’t at the same level of excitement as he was, or even the opposite, he accepted my mood, and he was loving..


He got out to shower first, while I hung back and enjoyed the evening air.

When he came out, he said he had good news and bad news..




Friday, Nov 8, 2019 7:01 pm


So much is happening..

I’m about to take off with A for Tahoe. If you don’t hear from me, you kinda know why..



Sunday, Nov 10, 2019 7:04pm


Dear U,

I’m back from Tahoe. Crazy how 48 jours ago, I was just fully packed and ready to go. And now I’m here fully unpacked, sitting on my biomat, writing to you.


It’s been a trend, every time I go to Tahoe, it’s only for 2 nights.


It was a really lovely weekend with A.

We did MDMA.

We had amazing sex.

We peed on each other.

So much happened in so little time.


I’m sure it’s a mixture of the comedown from Molly

And parting with A,

I feel melancholic.

Like a part of me wants to be in his arms right now.


It’s strange, when I see A, I think about him for days.

And then after a certain period the languor wanes,

I move on to the next thing or person occupying my attention.


So here I am again, thinking about A.

I’m sure it’s the MDMA too

All that heart-opening.


P just sent me an animoji saying he loves me and wants to touch base when I’m free

I think I’ll call him back, I wonder if he can help with displacing these feelings





I did call P. He asked about my weekend.
I told him I did Molly with A.

I dot some D, I, C, K (we have this thing forever where we spell out dick when we talk about me having sex with another guy)

I said it was fun. We peed on each other.

P laughs, What’s up with you and peeing on people?

I dunno, it’s how I bond when I’m on MDMA.



P says he thinks he’s gonna get the new 2019 Crisscraft boat.

It’s about 300K


Lemme send you the pics mupps

He texts me the pics


Look at the lines he says,

that dark blue accent with red stripes, uhh.

and the teeeak!


He bites his fist.

He sounds like he’s about to jizz all over himself


I told P how much I appreciate his supportive words, he sent me a sweet lovebomb text Saturday while I was in Tahoe, supporting me and Pervette.

(I guess that crazy emo Thursday was all worth it, bc he’s made a complete 180 on his relationship to me and Pervette).

He says that he might had some negative energy towards Pervette whenever I choose Pervette over doing things with him, like going flying with him.

I tell him I get that, but I’m at a time and place where I have to be extra conscious of my time and how I spend it, which he totally gets.


After we hang up, I log on to my States of Jhanas online course and listened to the dharma talk while laying on the biomat, I kept on falling asleep and replaying it, then I went downstairs into the zen den, laid on the slant board and re-listened to the talk, and fell asleep, woke up around 3 and went to bed. And dreamt some more..


Monday, 11.11.2019


Tuesday 11.12.2019


Wednesday 11.13.2019



Dear U,

Something about laying down on the bed in the blue room (as the crew work on the deck on the other side of the house) listening to the Overview of the Jhana states via my online States of Jhana course..falling asleep near the end.. waking up in an altered state…then meditating to the Blissful States guided meditation from the course on in the pink room…

I feel slowed down to a magical altered state..

What a lovely state change from before the jhana nap..


The crew was cleaning up and getting ready to leave as I went upstairs to the magic room, picked up the Wisdom of Tarot, read the trestleboard, and followed the directives the author had for me. I got a blank notebook to start my occult diary. And I started copying the numbers and what they symbolize.

I picked up the Interior Castle (something is telling me to pick up these specific books)and opened it randomly to an introduction and started reading about St. Teresa of Avila, how she followed the directives of Gracian, to write another book..


I feel as though if I keep on meditating, consistently, I can receive these downloads..

It’s grey now, cloudy, I can’t seem to describe what this strange feeling/mood is, other than it’s magical and lovely, and blissful and surreal..




Dear U,

I know I know. I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been guarding my energy, and pouring it into pervette. You can’t see it just yet..

You’d be so proud of me if you knew, I’ve been working on this thing called google docs, even created a spreadsheet yesterday, charting the pervette paths and levels.

And I fleshed out what Pervette Sapio Porn will look like on this shared google doc with S3.


Gonna do our first shoot next Saturday.


I think I’m gonna try to go back to last Sunday,  Nov 3rd, and fill in the blanks of my  if you feel like it, you can get an idea of what my days these past few weeks were like..



Thursday, Nov 14, 2019 8:38am


Dear U,

Somehow I feel compelled to not finish writing my morning pages in my journal and write to you. I only have so many words in a day. Or at least that’s what it feels like.


I’ve been taking 5-HTP this past week. Ever since our Molly night. I think it sorta suppresses my appetite. Which I kinda want because I think I have a portion control issue. It’s less so on the days when I meditate and am mindful.


I’m 37, going on 38, I feel like I can finally feel it, like my metabolism is slowing down. I have this theory now that as you get older you’re supposed to eat less.

I’m just slightly frustrated that even though I’m eating as healthy as ever and less than ever, I still wake up the next day, do a tummy check and think my waistline isn’t as slim as it should be for all the intermittent fasting lectin free conscious  eating that I’m doing.


Anyways, this 5-HTP is interesting. I can feel my muscles relaxing as I lay right after I take it.


Even though I’m not going to bed any earlier, my body or subconscious has been waking me up early just minutes before the crew arrives. It’s strange how it does that.


Today  after I opened the garage door and unlock the front door, I checked my phone. A and P had texted around rthe same time last night around 12:30am.

P has landed in Seoul, about to catch his tight connection to Tokyo.

A says he can’t stop thinking about how amazing it felt when I slid his entire cock down my throat this past weekend (heart emoji).

I almost forgot that I did that.

I like how he was thinking of that..


Funny how I was thinking of him late last night around 11 and thought about reaching out to talk but didn’t have anything to say so I didn’t. Maybe I was thinking of him bc he was thinking of me.


His text made me slide back into bed. I stared at Cutie’s cute face for a while then grabbed my blanket and placced it between my legs. It felt so good.

KNOCK KNOCK! I head J holler from the front door.

I put on my shorts came out and greeted J and R good morning. It was 7 amish.

R says he’s gonna pick up his rescue dog today.

That’s awesome! I said.


I love J and his crew. J and his nephew, and N and his son. It feels like family. And them arriving early at 7 these past few days coming trough the bottom garage hallway, stairs, up through the orgy room to the orgy room deck, it’s not at all disruptive to my pervetting as I thought it would be, the sounds aren’t that loud. It’s been pretty pleasant as far as construction work goes.


R just showed me the layers of fiberglass sheets they’re putting down and how they’re sealing the edges. And now they’re applying some coating.

The only way water’s gonna get in the house is if you leave the door open, he says.


Oh back to earlier this morning. After the crew arrived, I went back to the master grabbed Cutie, my books, and blanket and went into the blue room. (since the master is right below the deck they’re working on)

Was it A’s text?

I masturbated. And came. That was nice.

I stared at my bookshelf. And somehow decided to grab Hesse’s Narcissus and Goldmund.

I remember A saying that he liked  that book. I started reading it.

Then masturbated some more and came.

I realize since construction this week, I haven’t been masturbating in the morning as I usually do.

I’m glad I’m finding a way to brink it back into the routine..


I’m sitting in a different chair in the round table this week, facing the moon room. It feels like a productive spot, more so than the biomat..


I think it was yesterday afternoon, when the weather turned from unusually nice and warm for November to chilly gray  November. I love it all.


I can’t fully explain the strange magical feeling that’s in the air. I felt it so deeply yesterday afternoon after my jhana nap meditation.


I’m so happy to finally have these days of seclusion.

To pervette.

I can feel my intuition guiding me strongly..


Maybe that’s what it is when I’m around others, my energy gets enmeshed in theirs and I lose touch of that deep knowing.




At 10:30 I meditated with the guru remotely while listening to the guided meditation by Shaila Catherine, the instructor of my jhanas course. There were moments where I sank deeply merging with my breath.

When I came up, the crew were still on the deck.


I  love your ceiling, R says, that’s true craftsmanship.

I wish all our clients were as nice as you are, R says, that would make our job so much more pleasant. It’s so nice to be here.

I told him I was also thinking about how grateful I was him and the crew working on the deck. It’s been so nice.


R shows me the work they’ve done, they’ve coated the deck with something, I can tell they’re doing this such care.


The sky was gray.

It looked as though the coat of something they put on the deck isn’t going to dry in time so they’re gonna clean up  and come back tomorrow, says the son. He was a sweet fellow. There was something about him, the twinkle in his eye, his soft voice, his submissive demeanor. Wait, I  think I recognize him..

Could he be my client?

Around 4-5 years ago, a young filipino boy in his early 20’s, would come to see me. He was pudgy the first time I saw him, and every time I saw him, he would lose more weight and looked more fit.

Maybe that’s why   I  didn’t  recognize him. At first I thought his him and his dad were Mexican, but then I realized they didn’t look Mexican. They look slightly hispanic, it might’ve been the skin tone more than anything. Yesterday they’ weren’t speaking spanish to each other but another language.

Maybe it was tagalog, or some other filipino language.

That would be crazy if he was my client. I wonder if he recognizes me in my plain no make up in tank top and woke pants.


Aong with helping his dad do the manual labor, he speaks for him and it’s also been his job daily when they arrive to lay down the drop cloths on the stairs and path to the deck from the garage downstairs. And he’s the last one to leave as he picks up and fold the cloth.

Such a  strange small world, if that’s the case, that he found another way to serve me.

Come to think of it, of the crew of 4, 3  of them, including J,  the foreman, are kinda super sweet and subby to me.

And then next week, I have P2 paint the exterior of the house.

I like knowing this house is being restored by devoted men.


It was noon when they left.

I was gonna work on pervette but the internet was down.

I couldn’t even work on my google docs.

Feels like a sign.

So I read the book I picked up last night. Wired For Story, and read…

As I masturbated.

I replied to A. Telling him that I can’t wait to do it again.

By it, I mean take his cock all the way down my throat.


I must’ve changed my panties 3 times, I need to again as I write this..


It started to sprinkle..


P landed in Tokyo. He sent  a pic of the view from his room at the Peninsula. It has quite a view of the city and water. The trees there are turning orange and red. I’m happy he’s there. And I’m not. Because I’m here. Working on Pervette.


My results have been updated. Apparently I have 16% from Dai in Myanmar. And 1% from India.



Just an afternoon of endless masturbations, what is going on?

I skipped the farmer’s market. It’s too cold. I’ll go Saturday.


I shower, head to the studio. I a rrive at 6:30 for my 7pm session. P2 was there, restocking the towels, and setting up the dungeon. He was shocked to see that I was early. I like to keep him on his toes, I said. He swept and dusted the space.

He brought me my lemons and avos. And a gift from Ohio. A pretty purple agate that looks the ocean at night. So sweet of him.

He was very happy to see Cutie. He’s going to take her back to his place while I session and come back with her and help me clean up.


I session with J. He’s in a much better mood than last time (since last time he thought he was dumped by his SW lady friend). He talks about wormholes, blackholes, anti-trusts. I decided a while back to not even try to get him out of his head and into his body. He’s spectrum-y and supposedly a genius, scored 192 IQ, he says.


After our session, P2 returns with Cutie, they watched an episode of Buffie the Vampire Slayer and read some poetry..


Home, I called mom back. We talked about her pomegranate tree bearing 130 fruits this year. She’s eating 3 a day and found the secret way to peel them effortlessly and unmessily.


It’s a softening market. It’s not a good time to sell, or buy yet, she says, P seems to rush into everything, doesn’t he?

It’s true.


She has this fantasy that I’ll move back to Orange County and live in the house that me, her and sister got, that’s being rented out now. It has a great view, she says, you can see the Disneyland fireworks at night..


After our 46 min talk. I lay on the biomat and decide I’m too tired to read. I fall asleep at 11pm.


Friday, 11.15.19 10:46pm


Dear U,

A whole day to myself.

I woke up at 6. I’ve been waking up earlier and earlier.

The crew arrived at 7.

R is happy since he got to pick up his rescue dog yesterday. He’s in the truck, he says, he’s holding a starbucks cup in his hand. I got him a puppaccinno this morning.

What’s that ?

It’s a cup of whip cream

The more R chats with me, the more I like him.


They fix the skylight since skylight, sealing up the 1/4 inch gap left by our skylight installer earlier this year. I’m so glad they’re on it.


I’m so tired and foggy headed. I decide to nibble of some choco mushrooms around 8am.

I feel kinda queasy. Maybe I should make a hot chocolate protein drink with all the 17 things in it to get me stimulated.

That was yummy. But then I felt I drank too much. And I’m still kinda tired.


I go into the pink chill room and lay on the slantboard listening to the jhana dharma talk.


R hollers for me, he says it’s too wet and cold out, the coating hasn’t dried yet so they’ll come back tomorrow morning. They take off at 10am. Interesting how every day something happens so that tey take off earlier and earlier, which is great for me, I get the house all to myself. To masturbate

Which is exactly what I did. I tried everything else to get me energy going. psychedelics, protein and herbs, meditation,

Masturbation totally did the trick. By 11:11, I had this crazy focused energy.


What was also interesting is that 2 days in a row now, after the crew left, the internet was down, exactly when I was ready to pervette. I wasn;t frustrated, just took it  as a sign to do something else, like masturbate and read..

But the internet came back and I was focused..

Started polishing the pages on pervette, and creating some..

I was on a roll from 11am till 4pm.


Then I went out to cathc some of the magic hour late and Friday college vibez.

It was kinda a chilly day so the kids weren’t out as much.

I went to Lhasa Karnak to stock up on some herbs. Like licorice root, cinnamon, rose, hawthorn berries, tulsi, damiana. I got a  new one, lemon balm.


Then I went to my Bar Express class. It’s been a while. It felt good to be challenged. After class, I walked pass my parked car to toss my Xylichew gum in the trash can and then decided to keep walking, it was such a nice November night, I unsurprisingly landed at Books, Inc.

I got a book for P2. And I picke dup Kurt Vonnegut’s Brekafast of Champions in the sale section and started reading it. He was mentioned in the Design is Storytelling book I was reading yesterday.

I actually really enjoyed the kinda satirical style and pictures in it. It’s actually good pervette inspo. So I got it.

Practicing restraint, since the last tiem I was there, I got 8 books, tonight, just 2.

I texted A. I told him that L (who texted earlier) is fighting a bladder infection (naturally) and has to punt on our threesome tomorrow night.

I’m sure he’s beginning to wonder if this threesome will ever happen.


Home again. I work on pervette a little more.

I’m getting close to something. The Dominatrix page needs just some focused attention and it can be in good shape. And I have all the parts, from previously created pages to plug it all in.

Instead I got up and added my new herbs into jars and organize them in my herb drawers. Aww so satisfying to see them so neatly organized..

I wash the dishes, I peruse a magazine, I for some crazy reason get on instagram to search and find my ex’s feed (th one I was with before P), I’ve been meaning to write him and apologize for the way things ended (with me having a threesome (not with him, but it wasn’t that really, it was the way I projected all my issues into the relationship), he’s doing well, I think he has a new gf, she seems sweet, I like his landscape and foods pics, oh jeez I realize I’m procrastinating..


Overall, it was a good pervette day. I ate a quite a bit: spaghetti squash bolognese, maca bars, protein drink, avo and pate and crackers, but it was all healty-ish. I stopped eating at 4pm, at least.


It’s 11:23pm. I think I’ll take a 5HTP and get ready for bed..


Saturday, 11.16.19  9:05am


Dear U,

The crew is here laying down and spreading the concrete. R showed me the process. They   say  there are chaper medthods of making this deck leakproof, but this ensures I won’t be calling them in the future. I took a video a pic of the process, it seems meditative, what they do, working with the concrete that has some chemical that makes it solidify so quickly as soon as it’s poured.

I have J take a look at the stovetop I’m going to replace. And while he’s at it, let’s get the doors in perfect order.

I can’t seem to break it to J and the crew that we’re selling this house in March. They seem so happy working, thinking that I’m going to reap the benefits of their hard work.

Or is it just me. I can feel my heart getting heavy thinking that I won’t get to enjoy the many years of storms this deck can now  withstand.


Maybe this house is a metaphor for me. As it gets stronger, more fortified and beautified by loving support, I can feel that in myself in the same way.


I keep thinking about how my mom said that my sister said this market is softening, that it might not be a good time to sell.


Oh universe, what do you have in store for me?


I just read and finished the poetry book that I bought for P2. Since I’m seeing hm today and will have to part with it. Classic me I can’t let go of a book in my temporary possession without  knowing that I’ve read it.

I should buy books for others more often. That might be the only way you can get me to sit and read until the end.


I am in love with these days, where I can read, be inspired, and write. What a gift this life is .


I’m very aware of how collected my mind is right now. I close my eyes every now and then and meditate for short spurts.


Ma’am, can I just say, I wish all our customers are as hospitable as you and your husband, R says, again.

I don’t feel like correcting him that P isn’t my husband, but my “partner”

Semantics, or philosophy?


R went to Starbucks this morning just to get his new dog a puppaccinno. He  didn’t get any coffee for himself or the crew, you gotta treat them better than humans, he says.


I give J one of my spaghetti squashes that S2 gave me. Since I’m still working on the first one. It feels nice to spread the nourishing love.


When I read more, I write more.

I should read more..


It’s kinda crazy that without any advertising or being on social media, doing very minimal email and correspondence, I’m able to book sessions as much as I am.  Subs are reaching out, thinking of me and wanting to play. “The universe will provide” feels like a very viable business model for right now..


Okay, I’m gonna pervette, then head to the farmer’s market..


How should I phrase my text to A..


The crew left about a half hour ago, R may come back later this afternoon toapply the second coat of concrete.


When I went in the kitchen, on the island was 4 pineapple guavas J  had picked from my tree and left for me. What a gift he is. What a gift he gave me,  I now know that there’s yet  another fruit I can ear from my own garden, after all these years of not knowing and thinking they were inedible runt guavas.


I should mention, just so you know, that ever since my tearfest last Thursday, P had a shift and he’s been super supportive re me and pervette. Always  asking how it’s coming along and if  I  need any help.

I feel so grateful for the unfolding of events that lead me to here, fully loved and supported. I’m so excited for the unknown ahead..




Such a beautiful day, how can the weather do this to me, tug at my heart strings. I love its fluctuations, from cloudy to sunny. I love it too much, it’s almost hard to sit down and work.


The farmer’s market was lovely. I  got the essentials: kale, springmix, broccollini , carrots, shiitake, bone broth, bee pollen, persimmons, plums, a pretty apple tart from Frog Hollow. It might be nice in case I see A tonight.

I stop by the butcher store and got steak, again,  in  case I see A tonight. I would assume we are, but our plans have changed since L can’t make it on account of her UTI.

I’ll wait till 1:23pm to text and ask if he  still wants to meet.


I make a salad and eat it outside slowly. I’m not that hungry, prolly bc of the 5-htp.


Funny how A sent me a link ta  Steven Pinker ted talk the other day and after I watched it and opened the book Wired For Story, she quotes Pinker several times.


And doubly strange that I opened up the book I got  in NY  recently, Marcel Duchamps Afternoon Interviews and in it it mentions Sarah Blakewell’s book on Montaigne, How  to Live, which i s t he one book I Amazoned and received this week. I can’t remember what it was that popped up that prompted me to get How To Live. I do know that I was inpsired by the title, because I keep thinking that pervette will be a guide on How to Live.


I can’t believe half the day is almost gone and I have yet to work on Pervette.


As time passes, and there’s this uncertainty if I’ll see A tonight, I can feel something, the sadness that would come if I didn’t. Funny how I didn’t feel this way until I got the tart and steak. It’s expectation.

I think if I were to throw myself into pervette, I wouldn’t have this languorous feeling as much as I do now..


Time to pervette..



Dear U,

I have yet to pervette, but I will now..


I had texted A, if he wanted to get together tonight.

Then P2 came over to fetch Cutie. I had him come in, sit outside with me, as I clipped a hydrangea from the light well and placed it in vase. I gave him his Mary Oliver book, Felicity, wrapped in the same red tissue paper that he wrapped my agate.


I fixed us some maca bars and made us mint tea from the garden.

P2 says he has this strange feeling like I’m going to keep this house. I told him I kinda feel the same way, even though I don’t know how.


P2 and I talk about the various ways I might be able to keep the house.


I  read to P2 a passage from Marcel Duchamps Interviews..

something about the legacy he left which was complete freedom ..


P2 said it’s strange, he was about to watch a youtube video of one of Duchamp’s interviews today, but he didn’t


He reports to me this stuff animal phenomenon that’s happening. Men around him, like his dad and friend’s bf are snuggling and growing fond of stuff animals.

He still believes that Cutie is exceptionally a special sentient being, unlike other stuffed animals. But I wonder if it’s because she’s been directed so much love as if she were alive, therefore she is alive, maybe bcsome spirit inhabited her by dint of all this love she’s receiving and being treated as alive.


P2 was going to catch the Kiriostami film, 10 on 10, at 5:30 at the PFA. I read its synopsis onlie, oh man, it sounds good, Kirao philosophizes about film from the front seat of his car while driving. Hmm 5:30 sdhowing, 88 min. I could ostensibly catch the film then go into the city to see A, but it feels like a lot to cram in. But I really want to see the film. I google the film to see if it’s on DVD. Ooo yes it is, out of print, but available on Amazon, ebay, etc. Okay, that takes the pressure off. I saw that A had replied, he’e feeling rundown and might need some downtime. but he is open to something low-key like cuddling and watching a film. All of a sudden I have so many options open. I decide to go into the pink room to meditate on this decision.


I felt my mind collect. If course it’d be nice to see A and cook for him and cuddle. But maybe I’m supposed to catch the Kiarostami film with P2, and I don’t want to see A if he’s feeling low energy, that’s not the vibe I want to be around, esp during these pervetting times. Funny how just 2 hours ago, my heart would’ve ached at the thought of not seeing A, and now I’m feeling driven to not see him as much  as I still kinda want to. It just feels like the right thing to do, to not. And besides the thought of showering, getting ready, prepping dinner feels like a lot. I actually can’t imagine myself cooking for A. ANd I’m not even really hungry, with this 5htp low appetite thing.   If I’m really listening to the universe, it’s offering me time tonight to pervette.

Maybe I can catch 10 on 10 with P2 then go home and pervette.


I texted A,

It’d be lovely to cuddle with you, but I feel a true retreat would do you good. Hopefully we can catch each other before I take off. But if not, I’ll see you when I get back (heart emoji).

Nicely done, I thought.


I went upstairs. P2 was cuddling with Cutie.

Knowing that he can get 10 on 10 on dvd, he’s deciding to go home and hang with Cutie instead of going to the movies.

And just like that, more time opened up for me. We plan to get the dvd and watch it together.


P2 takes off, I go for a walk in the dreamy magic hour, pasing by and chatting with my friendly neighbors.


Strange how things are unfolding in the way  they are, giving me more choices, and the choice to pervette.

I catch the glorious pink sunset.

Came in, moved my laptop to the magic room. ANd now I’m ready to pervette. Strange how my inttuition has me moving form the  nook, to moon room, to outside to magic room to pervette.


I know have 6 hours or so to work on the Dominatrix path.

Not bad…

Here I go.





Whoa. I’m becoming very aware there is a palindrome happening here..

Today on my calendar, I wrote threesome

On sept 29th, on my cal, I wrote threesome.


On the 29th, our threesome didn’t happen,

I didn’t feel like seeing A, but I gave him a choice, if he really wanted to, he can come over here and we can have a low key hang of tea and maca bars


Tonight, A doesn’t feel like hanging, but he “gives” me a choice, (if I wanted to) I can come over for a low key hang of cuddling watching a film.


He declines on the 29th, I stay in, sitting in the newly appointed magic room, eating the maca bars I made for us and working on the dominatrix path, creating the fantasy submission portal


Tonight I decline, I stay in, sitting in the same chair in the magic room, eating the maca bars I made for us last week in Tahoe (which A never ate  bc he was on MDMA) and I’m finally working on the dominatrix path which I haven’t  touched since  I created the fantasy submission portal on the night of the 29th.

That night was also the night before I took off for NY.

And today is the first day I’m opening and reading the 2 books I got when I was in NY, The Marcel Duchamp Afternoon Initerviews ( I got at 192 book) and The  Art of Intimacy ( I got at McNally’s Books).

And on both nights, P Facetimes me and I tell him that I’m choosing to work on Pervette over seeing A.


The night the threesome that never happened is perfectly mirrored.

My craving for maca bars is as strong as it was that night (to add another twist, it was L, our third in our eventual threeway, who was the one who gave me her special recipe on how to make the maca bars, it was her own creation).

I’ve taken her recipe and heavily modified and expanded it, by adding 17 more ingredients, the act of making these maca bars feels very witchy. I put all the things in it: aphrodisiacs, potent herbs, and every yummy thing in my pantry


What’s  really crazy is that I made those maca bars last Friday right before our Tahoe trip and only i touched them since. And I had the self control or lack of appetite all week to not inhale them until now.

Something strangely magical is happening here, in the magic room..

Mmm I want more maca bars..


Okay, I just ate ALL of the maca bars..


I’m pretty sure all the stuff I put in it is going to keep me up late as it did the night of the 29th…




Oh my god, I’m doing it.

I’m carving out the Dominatrix path

And it’s so fun

getting obsessive 

about every word


and video


I feel like I’m making art

I can do this all night..


But I should probably rest..

I already know what I need to work on next

To complete the next level of this path

add more philosophy and kinky videos


Sunday, 11.17.19


Just R arrived today to add the second layer of concrete of the deck. Every time R comes and down the stairs he pops in the moon room to tel me something He loves his new dog, it’s already learning all these new tricks. He talks about how awesome his daughter is, she plays music, is studying something I can’t remember, wants to have a career and doesn’t want to rely on a man for support.

I’m in a very present and mindful mood. I meditate in between R’s pop ins.


I head to the dungeon. Just as I was pulling up, P2 was walking to his car. What a coincidence, he was doing his laundry at the studio since the washer in his building is currently under repair. He comes in with me to help me set up the dungeon.

My friend, K, who’s visiting from out of town arrives. It’s her very first session she’s shadowing. She’s been wanting to be a domme ever since she met me about 2 years ago at this retreat we did together.


The  session was fun. My sub was such a good sport, his limits were pushed during the flogging, K went a little too hard, in the no stroke zone. He cried yellow. My fault, I should’ve been more explicit about where not to flog as opposed to just telling her where to flog, and I should’ve kept an eye on her flogging, but I was too focused on his front side.

He did a great job of taking our giant cocks all the way, until he choked like crazy and coughed up a ton of mucus.

Then the needles and then he came.


P2 arrived at the house a few minutes after me. I made us a salad, we ate outside since the weather was perfectly calm.

P2 got a chair from inside for Cutie to sit in since we didn’t want her on the table next to her bowls of salad. We wanted her to

Salad dressing splatter, we both said at the same time.


We went for a walk during sunset to the secret spot. I forgot how lovely this spot was. Watching the trees slowly sway made me feel like I was on DMT. It was so peaceful, watching the sky turn purple.


After we watched the trailer for The  fantastic world of Fungi and the Boards of Canada video and viewed Cutie’s blog, P2 took off.


Right when I was tracking A’s location on the Where My app, A called. Can he see me stalking him?

Him calling me (unannounced even). All very new.

He told me about his long week..

I told him about my palindrome night.

He asked when I was taking off for Bali, he wants to see me before I take off.

I told him Friday might be a possibility, I’ll confirm in a day or two.

He says he’s been having some intense convos with M, his gf. And he thinks he’s about to pull the trigger and end it.

I supported it.

I told him not to wait until she arrives next week for Thanksgiving, and to do it now, since I can tell by the tone of his voice that he’s ready. No point in waiting what wants to come out.


He says I’m right, he’s gonna call her right after hehangs up with me. I wish him good luck and if he needs to chat, my channels are open.


Interesting how my voice sounds different talking to him, it sounds deeper, more confident and wise.


i thought I was gonna do all this reading ofr my class Tuesday. But I was pretty tired by 10pm, since I didn’t get much sleep the night before.

I laid on the biomat and was out pretty much soon after.


Monday, 11.18.19 9:31pm


Dear U,

I woke up while it was still dark, laid in mind with thoughts streaming, continuing the convo I had with A last night. I tried to meditate..

A morning all to myself.  The construction crew isn’t coming this week, not until J orders the ipe wood and it comes in for them to put in.


After the stream of thoughts, I felt my mind collecting itself. I meditated and masturbated in the orgy room. The sunlight at this time of year is  pouring itself so brightly into this room.

I feel like this day, calm and bright..


J stopped by to measure the deck to order the wood. I gave him a pomegranate. He said these go well in salads. We hugged goodbye.

He gavve me an idea to make a salad, with the steak I got (for me and A Saturday) and with the pomegranate S2 gave me. Yum.


The  weather was so perfect, I spent most of the day outside, doing the reading for my Buddhist class. The topic for the week was Faith and Refuge.


I worked on my research paper that was due tomorrow.


I’m in a snacky mood.

I’ve been eating the fruits from my trees. Pineapple guavas, strawberries. High prana food, I can feel it.


P2 texts letting me know that PG&E might shut off my power Wednesday. At least I got my generator.

I went for a jog in the gloaming. To my tree and back.


No aerial tonight. Finished the reseach paper around 8:30


Worked on the Pervette offerings and timeline.

Then bed.


Tuesday, 11.19.19 11:44pm


Dear U,

It’s a little bit chillier today. But still calm and bright outside.

And inside, that’s how I felt.


Class was wonderful. I was feeling quite serene. Just one of thse mornings. I got to play the part of Buddha, reciting


N, my classmate, asked if I want to set a date to have tea as we’ve tried to plan to do for 7 months now.  We makes tentaive plans for Dec 10.


My meeting with my coach was really good. They helped me think through the prep for the looming launch of Pervette.

And how to deal with the real world and communicating with people in a timely manner again. I just have to create a time structure and see these conversations as part of the creative process as opposed to a hindrance.


I jogged to the bench in the magic hour, wherw there were two coyotes just hanging out. I’ve been hearing them howl a lot lately. They’re so cute.

I jogged further along to my pine tree.

Then took Cutie to the store and we got avos and lemons and this new plant based yogurt I’m super into called Lavva.


Today I’m making shaking beef along with my veggie stirfry Yum.

I love these days, reading, meditating, running in the woods, cooking, mindfully eating, cleaning, pervetting, I’m living my idyllic dream.


I thought I would have the night to create the “my sexual fantasy” page.

But i had this craving to masturbate, ,so I did, in the orgy room. I youtubed Deric Wan (my childhood idol) music videos, and a flood of childhood memories and fantasies came to me as I came, hard, again and again..the sounds were so primal, it gave me this ecstatic energy..


I had to update my software which took 40 min. I decide to meditate, then P Facetimed me. He just landed in Hong Kong.


We both reflected on how amazing these days and years are. This whole decade really.

I told him I checked my flight info today. Apparently I depart on Nov 24 00:05am

which means I take off Saturday night not Sunday.

I almost missed my flight to Bali 5 years ago because of this confusing ticket time. Not this time.

Wednesday, 11.20.19


Pervette morning.

An imppromptu drop in form T and B’s interior decorator. Theyu wanted me to meet with her to help consult on their dungeon room.



Thursday, 11.21.19 4:03pm


Dear U,

It’s a bright and chilly day. Windy. It’s so beautifully peaceful right now. This whole day. All to myself. I work steadily on pervette.

Organizing photos, editing, using iMovie to do voiceover over kinky photos. Experimenting with sound and imagery.


I facetimed my mom to ask her how she peels her pomegrantaes, she showed me her special technique, of scoring a perfect square at that the top and pulling it off, then scoring lines down to the bottoms and voila..!


We talk about how P rushes into things, even like buying this hosue which she thinks is overpriced. With not that great of a view, I add.

She says that’s how it goes when it’s their money.

She says if my website book thing doesn’t go as I anticipate in a year, I should really look into getting a job. It’ll good to use my PhD and have some sense of financial security.


She says my stepdad is coming home earlier today because he’s having a hard time breathing. If anything happens she can call 911.


I’m sitting in the afternoon glow on the biomat, reading the Duchamp Ineterviews.


I like this flow of work in the morning, make lunch and eat in the afternoon.


This morning I was on Instagram studying people’s IG stories.

I woke up not remembering what my dream was about other than it was about Pervette.

Digital Domination..


J arrived as I was meditating, he had three pienapple guavas in hand to give me. He wanted to double check with measurements before he orders the wood. Or maybe he just wanted to stop by and hand me guavas.


I feel clear and bright. Maybe it was the incredible massage K gave me yesterday.

What a lovely day to monk mode.


Pervetted, went to Bar for the restore class, then to local butcher’s shop to get more steak, home, prepped the steak for shaking beef tomorrow night, I thought it’d be nice if I cook dinner for A.


P factimes from Macau in Hong Kong, he’s living the rich white man’s dream, fucking his sugarbaby, hanging with his ridiculously wealthy friend, riding in boats, helicopters and Mayach (600K cars I learned).

He says he has news for me.

Let me guess..You got a boat?

I was right..



After P, A calls, he says he’s had a rough week and is planning on heading up to Tahoe and wants to see if I want to join him. I told him I can’t. He wants to come over before he heads up, uhh okay.

.My hair is greasy from all the oils I put in it and I  just went to barre.I had 40 min to shower,  and tidy up this place..



Friday, 11.22.19 12:06pm


Dear U,

I feel something. It feels quite powerful. Collecting inside me.

Calm fortitude

It’s a deep knowing.

This is the time..


Every one I’m coming into contact with is helping me.


I feel so grateful.

I have P’s support in pervette

And now A, is making time.

There’s something happening…


I  can feel my breath. It’s strong and deep.

My brain has been in theta mode this week..

Every moment is a meditation..





every single interaction i had today is giving me insights unlocking pervette…


it was  a lovely day.

the crew came to work on the deck, they were done pretty quickly.

I made myself a yummy kale salad, with S2’s pomegranates sprinkled in, avo, goat cheese, duck egg, almond slithers and walnuts and coconut shreds..


2 sessions

First was with A3, I love our catching up and intellectual banter.

He was going through a relationship dilemma. He had a fling with a colleague in Boston. The sexual attraction is really strong.

He doesn’t know what to do with the gal he’s with who’s moving to SF to live him in a month.

I told him he should tell her the truth.


Our scene was very fun. He’s a great foot worshipper. I enjoy seeing him surrender to me when I open him up and go deep.


Second session was also pretty fun. The sub brought our little lady friend again. I got to top them both. I had him bound and spread to the wall. I whipped his cock hard and would have her soothe it with her mouth. I would alternate between pain and pleasure until his cock was bruised and he was wailing..


Then it was out turn to top her. She was bound and spread on the bondage table. We tied a giant cock to the hitachi and inserted inside her and tied the wand to her clit. She came a dozen times until she couldn’t take it anymore.

And then we strung her up by her ankles. Inverted he whipped her pussy which was too much for her.

Poor little thing.


When I came home. A and I had a virtual date.

I thought he would be too tired to talk pervette. But he was up for it.

Everything he was saying was so helpful.

He even walked me through my google analytics of pervette.

I rarely look at the statistics.

I’ve been creating in the dark.

But now was the time.

And it’s actually quite interesting.

I’m surprised I get as much traffic as I do for a site that’s just at its beginning (again and again).

Conversion rate..that’s crucial..


I loved that this was all his idea, helping me on pervette.


He enjoyed the shaking beef I prepped for him.


I’m getting so much pervette love and support from all the men in my life.  I feel so grateful.


What I’m not reporting since I don’t have time aare all the conversations that I had today that’s sparking my pervette creativity.


I’ve been eating a lot of yummy healthy food. Cooking every day. Lots of kale salads (my new obsession), stirfries, and chaga, maca, mucuna pruriens latte with all the fixings.

Maybe I should write out every thing I’ve been eating here. I’ve been writing it out on this weekly planner pad I have. It feels redundant to write out every thing I put in me twice.


I know I  have mentioned this. But my default state these days is really mindful, super present and at ease. It feels like a new me..


Saturday, 11.23.19 4:18pm


Dear U,

I’m packing for Bali. My flight is midnight tonight..It’s been a very meditative day. I even went to yoga this morning, which was a good idea.


I feel equanimous. I’m not exactly looking forward to the days ahead which I know will be amazing. Nor am I sad that I have to leave this perfect home filled with my books that inspire me to create. I’m just present to this moment. It’s a day of getting ready to take off.


I’m pleased that I’m going to use up almost every perishable item in in my fridge..If I make a stir-fry tonight and a latte, I’m set.


P2 came over with Cutie around 1 today. He got a quart of the Cypress Green #509 color I picke dout for the exterior of the house. He painted a large patch of it on the back side of the house.


Whoa. That’s bright and really light. Too light and too bright. He grabs the old paint and pants a patch right beneath it.

Hmm. As much as I like the idea of picking a new color for the house, I think the old color, which was darker, is prolly the best bet.


I’m making a matcha latte to use the Beber almond milk I have.


It’s the magic hour. I should go out and enjoy the last of the light..




Dear U,

I’m at the China Airlines lounge. My flight is at 12:05am. I’m super early for once.


As I was on my sunset walk, my mom called  at 4:46. My stepdad is in the hospital. His heart was acting up this morning, so they called 911.

He’s about to get a stent put in his heart, at 5pm.

Is he gonna be okay? I ask

She thinks so. This isn’t his first time getting a stent.

We’re all getting old she says.


We hung up and I caught the sunset.


I was all packed up by 6. I had time to do the finances for the studio.


This morning after yoga, I went to the bank and paid off my credit card bill. For the first time in years, my balance is 0.

And I have actually have some money in my checking account.

And  some more cash now after the profit’s been divided with the studio finances.

Whoa. It feels like my money situation is turning around..


P calls me from Hong Kong. He’s on his way to the airport. He’s high and in a Range Rover, fseeming quite smug and happy. I  chat with him briefly as I was in the middle of doing the finances and I can’t think numbers while talking.

He’s excited to see me and cuddle with me, he says.

See you in Bali, Mupps!


I text my stepdad, wishing him a speedy recovery.


P2 arrives at 8. Even though I wasn’t particularly hungry, I make us a veggie stirfry with the last of the carrots, broccolini and shiitake mushrooms and cilantro.

P2 tells me not to worry about the dishes. I leave the kitchen a crazy mess. P2 says hewill be back tomorrow to tidy it up as he does the chores.



I spent the last few minutes I had heating up the bone broth I still had and packed it for the car ride.

I also peeled and diced some persimmons, for the plane ride.

There. And the rest of the perishables, P2 will take tomorrow

And then we head to the airport.

We recalled all the instant bad food we used to eat.

Strawberry nestle qwik was P2’s thing.

I  was into Ovaltine.






Monday 11.25.19 8:07am

Taipei, Taiwan


Dear  U,


I’m in the China Airlines lounge at the Taipei airport. This is quite a fancy lounge. It’s huge, has a nice modern dark decor and a pretty impressive spread of food.

I gorged on this vegetable I never had before, called Emperoro’s vegetable. It’s quite tasty.


My flight here was really nice. Thumbs up for China Airlines business class. Great tea selection, nicely steeped for the attendants and interesting chinesey snacks, like salted plums. Super comfy bucket booth seats that reclines fully into a bed. I slept for 5 hours. And had so much energy upon waking. I went back and forth between writing in my Notebook on A, reflecting on our last two nights…and my journal, words for pervette came to me. Then  I recorded what I ate for the past two days and my daily doings since Wednesday till now.


They also had a decent film selection. They had An Elephant Sitting Still, which was the  4hour film P2 and Cutie have been watching for the past 2 days. It was the Chinese director’s first and last film because he killed himself after the film was made and the distributor of the film wanted him to edit it down..

It was a bleak and beautiful film as P2 described. I like the long shots, the pacing, the music and the building tension. It had all the elements of a captivating film..


I then switched over to Millennium Mambo. A film by a Chinese director I like and have watched before.

I’m enjoying watching all these Chinesey films and indulging in Chinesey snacks, like pineapple cakes, taro cakes, and red bean cakes..



Back to my previous week