Themes: Equanimity, no power, crazy winds, wildfires, on the go, new moon, Seattle, P and his rich white dude things, like flying planes and buying house and boat, see, Seattle has good food, P proves to me, spaghetti,

 

Sunday, Oct 27, 2019

Insight Retreat Center, Santa Cruz

→ Home, Berkeley (sans power)

 

“Many of you asked what’s it going to be like to do our chores in the dark, well, we’re about to find out” said the resident volunteer.

What we found out that it was quite pleasant, and amusing, at least to me..

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The end of my vipassana retreat…

I was the second in the closing circle to speak..

I found that when I get emotional, my voice has this resonance that can move people to tears.

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I think my emotions is my power.

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Afterwards, one yogi came up asking me about my zafu position, how was I able to sit so still for so long. I happily showed her.. She was a former Mormon as well, from Salt Lake..

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An older Japanese women came up to tell me that she sat right behind me, she was about to leave day 2 into the retreat, but she was inspired by how still I was and how I continued to sit after the bell rang, while she couldn’t wait to get up..

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The yogi gal sitting to the left of me said it was such a pleasure to sit next to me, she was inspired by my devotion.

 

It’s crazy how I have now become that yogi. The one that I always wanted to be, the one who can inspire others.

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Sunday, October 27, 2019 9:03pm

Dear U,

I’m back from my week of silence.

I don’t even know how to begin to describe my experience. It was beyond words. Which seems about right because there were no words spoken. Just insights upon insights upon insights.

And then there was true silence, in  my mind. There were these incredible moments of concentration, where the discursive thinking was completely gone. It was pure bliss. And know how to get there now. what a gift this past week was..

There’s so much to tell you…

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And now I’m here at home. Sitting in the near dark, on a cold biomat, with 4 candles lit on the table next to me in the moon room, next to me are 3 flashlights, 2 headlamps, my cell that’s not getting any service, Cutie, my journal, and this laptop which has some battery and the screen is tghe only bright thing I can see, so  I might as well write offline and copy and paste this to you when I get back online..

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The winds are blowing.  I guess this is the perfect conditions for wildfires and sine I’m in a high risk zone, PG&E turned off the power in the hills. Funny how last time by the  time I got back from NY the power came back on earlier. I escaped the blackout.

This time, not so lucky.

The night is getting cold. So is the toilet seat since the japanese toilets are getting any power to heat it u[, or flush the toilet. I’m putting on layers. And also, there’s some beeping sound, maybe the sump pump? It’s going off avery 2 min.

The email from the Berkeley Citiy Council made it sound like this is definitely an emergency, saying a wildfire can travel from where I’m at to a few miles away in 30 min. Be  prepared to evacuate.

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So in the dark, with headlamp on, I loaded up the trunk with a giant weave basket and big box filled with my notebooks, that I’ve filled over the past 5 years. Journaling and pervette ideas. The  grage door is left intentionally open. And inside the house next to the garage I’ve placed the essentials.

My vintage white attache that contains my family photos of my mom as a child, my ancestors, my childhood diary, my hard drives filled with audio recording and photo/video shoots, my Deric Wan cassette tapes. And some other relics from my childhood.

Then I got my backpack that has my two laptops.

The emergency earthquake survival backpack that I recently got from Amazon, and just went through with P2 today.

I lit a bunch of tealights and placed them along the stairs, 4 quanyins shrines are lit.

This is is welcome back from retreat. Thank goodness the theme of the teachings this past week was on equanimity. I’m applying it now. I think it’s working. Because as inconveninet as all this is, I’m welcoming it.

No internet or light means I get to do nothing, except  meditate in the dark.

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Before the retreat, P said he might get a Vision Jet and fly up from LA to Seattle on this Sunday. He said he can swoop me up after my retreat. I said let’s play it by ear, since I don’t know how I’ll feel by  the time I get out.

Throughout the week, I felt into it, do I want to go straight from silence to hopping on a private jet with P to Seattle to see the waterfront house he’s going to put an offer in this week?

It sounds very glamorous and exciting. Esp after a week of unglamorous things like not having my own bathroom and cleaning the dining room floor (which by the end of the week I learned how to enjoy).

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I’m glad that by the time I got out, I didn’t have to decide, the jet wasn’t available..and so he’s planning on flying up on Tuesday, which gives me time to ease back into things.. I  can fly up Tuesday, I might have to skip my Buddhist class. I have A2 coming in Wednesday, and a session with S2 Wednesday night. Might be tricky. But I really want to see P and this house that might be my future 2nd home.

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I just chatted with P right now, and his broker says there’s an offer being put in tomorrow so they’re gonna hold off on scheduling our tour of the house Tuesday, until they get the offer and let us know what they think, so again, every thing is up in the air, we might know by Monday night if they accept the offer or not..

If they don’t accept the offer, then I might fly up Tuesday still, because P will put in his offer then..

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After I hung up on P, I got a text from PG&E  that another power shutoff will happen Tuesday. Hmm..flying up to Seattle Tuesday is looking very attractive..

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..

Interesting how the first person I wanted to see when I got back was P2.

I like how he already knew to get me an Urban Remedy cacao bar and avocados and lemons before I even asked for it. The cacao protein bar was a craving that appeared in my meditations on Friday  and  Saturday..

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All I could see was not hopping on a jet and coming home, to my home lit by the afternoon sunlight, telling P2 about my journey this past week, the realizations I had about this house, my plans for pervette and how i want him and I to make the most of the time we supposedly have left in this house.

I want us to document everything, to capture the essence of this home…

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Funny how this home was the place where  my relationship with P2 and I really develope. When I think of who took care of this house with me, it was P2.

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On the drive home, I decided to go stright to the store to pick up some ingreds to make supper for me and P2. I wanted salmon, something fleshy after a week of vegetarian salads.

But on the ride talking to my mom, telling her about the power outage and en route to the grocery store, she said better not to get anything that needs to be refrigerated. Oh right..

I need an oven to bake the salmon..

And is the gas stove gonna work??

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So I got non perishables and enough spinach to make yet another salad..

P2 enjoiyed it.

I like how we opened up the emergency earthquake backpack together, he cranked up my flashlight radio, I turned the AM dial, the sound of the AM radio being tuned in brought me back to the analog years…

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This is is why it’s so hard to wtite to you sometime, I wanna give you all the details…But  ot give you all the details, I would need hours and days to fill you in..

Which I don’t have, since i wan to be living lifemore than telling, there must be a way to work arounfd this..

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There’s so much nuance to every relationship, I can barely capture its essence..

Every encounter with P2 is filled with details I never seem to write down. I say we have it all recorded on my audio recorder so it still exists somewhere, if not here in this journal..

I hope I think I expressed to P2 how much he came up in my meditations. How special our friendship is, and how I want us to, it’s a feeling, like there’s more on our horizon.

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When I got gas today, I also got 3 lottery tickets..a super lotto, mega millions and powerball.

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When Dad called to see if I got back okay, he asked to pick up a  few lottery tickets,I said I did, he hopes I win so I can do charity work and help him out.

Funny how he never aske d me directly to help him with his credit card debt like he did my sister. Instead he just asks me to buy a lottery ticket.

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I give yuo the weirdest dettails. Because these are the “minor” events that I mightnot remember..

The little choices I make, what to make for dinner, what I randomly decide to do, the choices that  I make as I play it by ear..

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P2 and I caught the orange pink sunset, it’s been a while since I caught the sunset..

P2 said I seem to have stop ever sicne I got back from Bali.

Funny how I’m about to go to Bali again this November, will it be a palindome and I’ll catch more of it when I get back.

We can see the Bay so clearly. P2 think that line of gray beyond is the smoke from the Kincaid fire being blown west..

I loved how we took pictures of Cutie in the front yard.

P2 knows how to place her in the more interesting spots.

He holds her and moves her around so she can see the sun coming through the leaves,

I actaully think he takes better care of her than me..

We talk about him getting time with her this week before he takes off for Ohio..

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Monday, Oct 28, 2019 1:04pm

 

Dear U,

I’m sitting outside in the patio of Cafenated. I haven’t been here since this place was Mission Heirloom, which was my favorite super healthy paleo spot ever. I was so sad it closed a year ago.

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I had the thought to come here to hop on the wifi and charge my macbook since there’s no power at my house.

Obviously everyone had the same idea. This place was filled with everyone and their laptops and phone chargers. It was quite the scene. Something out of the movies..

The power is out at berkeley campus, too.

 

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On the way here, 1 in 4 walking down the street was a mask..

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I got lucky and snagged a table just as two women were leaving. We got chatting about the situaton, apparently 200,000 have evacuated up north?

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All the outlets were used, I had 5% battery. I just asked two Asian students if it was cool if I can charge my laptop for a bit. I got lucky the woman next to them at the table of 4 was just leaving and is bout to unplug her laptop.

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So I sat outside eating my olive salad while my macbook was getting charged inside..

A white professor was sitting down with an Asian student. He tells her before he gets started, he just wants to tell her she’s absolutely on the right path.

He obviously has some crush on her or an Asian fetish.

Although English was her second language, and she spoke somewhat slowly in a restrained way and with an accent, she sounded well-read and articulate.

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I listen to him flirt with her a way a prof would. He’d be happy to help her with any rec she needs..

You’re going to regret that, she says laughingly.

No I won’t

She asks what are his favorite books. Now I’m really listening…

You heard of Christopher Alexander’s.

A Pattern Language.

( I got that. I should read it)

You don’t need to read that, he says, it’s good but the book you should really read is a A Synthesis of Design and Form.

I Amazon it.. as I tilt my chair so I can hear him speak more clearly.

He talks fast and smartly, I trust his acumen.

Finite and Infinite Games, he recommends another book..

(I have that, I’ll pack it with me today).

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I continue to eavesdrop. The way I tilted my body and listened in made it pretty obvious that I was..As I Amazon portable LED lanterns battery-powered. And Anker portable phone charger.

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A guy asks if he can sit in the empty chair at my table. He had a yummy looking avocado toast. When he got up to leave, he said that’s a great book. He’s referring to the book I had out on the table with me, The Diamond Age. He highlt recommended Stephenson’s other novel, Cryptonomicon.

Oh awesome. Thanks for the recommendation

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I was tempted to ask the white professor as I was about to leave if he was open to having a coffee with me. Since his knoeledge on critical theory and design was pretty phenomenal from what I can glean. But he and the Asian girl were pretty engrossed with each other, so I decide not to..

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Funny how yesterday, coming out of the retreat I thought…

And then this morning, waking up to a powerless cold house, with no internet, a dying phone, talking to P (there’s a fire in Brentwood, he shows me the pic from the Santa Monica patio), we decide to escape the smoke together fly up a day earlier to Seattle, which is today, 5:30pm..

 

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Oh my god, I need to tell you at some point about my meditation this morning, it was insane. Next level..

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In the same way I have an urgency to have power and connection, I’m feeling a deep urgency to launch pervette and make it a hub for people to connect with each other and tune into…

 

Later in the day..

I escaped the power outage.

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One nice thing about coming home and leaving the next day is packing is way quicker..

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I packed three books with me: The Diamond Age, Finite and Infinite Games (inspired by my Cafenated book recs) and Issue at Hand, the book by Gil Fronsdal that he give sout freely at the end of the retreat..

P2 took me to JSX, I flew to Seattle. P flew in from Santa Monica right before me and was waiting for me at the jetsuite terminal.

He was muppety happy to see me, as was I.

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P saw that I  grabbed my bag, I asked the Indian man with the the toddler, whom I sat next to during take-off, for his email.

Mupps, I’m right here, P said, looking at my slack jawed increduously, of course he was bering facetious.

Mupps, it’s not what you think it is.. he works at Facebook in the Augmented Reality dept. That’s eventually what i want to do with Pervette..

Uh huh..

DOn’t you see, thes ynchronicity..

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P takes me to one of his favorite new spots just a few blocks away where we’re staying, How to Cook a Wolf..

We

 

Tuesday, Oct 29, 2019  8:18pm

Queen Anne, Seattle

 

Dear U,

I’m here in Seattle.

It was a long muppety day filled with:

2 Dept of Licensing (a very pleasant place compared to the DMV’s in CA), P is focused on becoming a verifiably Seattle resident

A visit to the Center of Scientology (it was right across the street from the Dept of Licensing)-funny how everything is pervette inspo

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L Ron Hubbard always has a glossary at the end of every book, says the crusty old white dude “helping” me

Because language is what bars people from accessing certainknowledge, I said

Right. How did you know that?

I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

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A visit to Metropolitan Market, the best market they got around here, P says

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I got 2 organic lip balms, lavender hand lotion, 3 bars of dark chocolate, 2 bags of fancy amonds, macadamia nuts, 2 bottles of wellness shots-one turmeric another ACV,  plantain chips, P got some chocolate chip cookie bites

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I break all my eating rules when I’m with P and over eat..

It started with the fluffy croissant he got at Storyville, the fancy coffee shop with in house baked goods

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I met his new fave real estate broker, S, she’s super cute in a mousey way and very quick and sharp.

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We saw 3 houses, including the one P wants to put an offer on this week.

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I must say I was underwhelmed with the place P was very excited about.

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P2 said yesterday that I’m sorta in a difficult place, if I poo-poo this boxy ugly house, it would seem like I’m not supportive but if I pretend to like it, then I’m not being true and he would put an offer on it..

I told P2 I’m just gonna be honest with how I feel.

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So I nodded along as P showed me the house, the lackluster view of the water, it’s on “the cut” which means it is technically waterfront, but it’s..

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For 3M, it just didn’t seem worth it, it was like a cookie cutter OC house but less spacious..

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But it has a yacht club nearby, that’s the draw for P, so he can buy his fancy KrissCraft boat and dock it there

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I feel like P likes talking to brokers to show off what a great life he has and they have to listen on and play along, act attentive and amused. He reminds me a lot of my stepdad, slightly needing the validation of others of how well off he is. Or quite simply, he just loves it when people, esp women, kiss his rich white ass.

I walked ahead so I didn’t have to hear him talk and picked the fallen maple leaves in front of the third boxy house we saw, as P cont to chat with the broker about their game plan on putting in a strong offer.

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“I’ll be in Asia when the transaction goes through. The last time we bought our house, I had a power of attorney do all my paperwork and signing while I was in Asia It was totally great for me, my broker on the other hand, was stressed out as fuck.” P says to his current broker, not the most resassuring thing to say to her.

Red, yellow, brown, I love the colors. I press them into my journal..

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I’m trying to be equanimous. But after a week of trying to let go of my sense of self, being around P and his strong egoic structure, which feels like self on steroids, I feel slightly repelled.

Now I get it when people say that expression, He’s full of himself..

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But I have to say, if I don’t say so myself, in spite of it all, I did a good job of being present and supportive of P, saying things like, wow, when you’re on it, you’re on it, which is is true, he does get a ton of shit done when he’s not high. I think that’s why we got along merrily throughout the day. He exclaimed how much he loved me several times. I think I’m learning how to be with all of him, even the parts that I don’t find too terribly attractive.

 

In the car, P asked what I thought of the house. I was honest..

I said I’m happy that he found a place he’s excited about

But..

the view is

I thought the house felt off, the l

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I’m going to list everywhere we went and fill in the details later:

Homegrown (for breakfast), Storyville for P’s cappuccino and croissant, Dept of Licensing, Church of Scientology (just me no P), Metropolitan Market (lip balm and snacks), House P wants to buy, 2 more houses, I like the second one, mid century modern with character, the third was a brand new modern big gray blah box, U Village: lunch at Ba Bar, Restoration Hardware, Warby Parker, Molly Moon Ice Cream, on our way to look at boats we stop by Kenmore Dept of Licensing, Post Office, Theorem dispensary, off into a woodsy road by a swing for P to smoke the joint he just got, MBar (for dinner),

 

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I value your opinion, P says, and your thoughts on the house is giving me pause.

 

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There’s something to my developing equanimity. It’s really helping our relationship.

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Earlier this morning at breakfast, P says this is the one retreat where he oberved little difference in me before and after. My spiritual ego wanted to defend myself and say that’s because my spiritual ego isn’t as pronounced. I’m becoming more selfless and even more present for him than he can even see, that it’s all operating on a more subtle way. But I said nothing and nodded. It doesn’t matter.

 

10:33pm

 

I go over my notes from eavesdropping yesterday.

Torr Norrhouse? No results. I must’ve heard that name wrong, dammit.

Next in the notes…Ted Nelson. Results. Success.. whoa…hypetext..hypermdia, virtuality, wtf, he’s speaking my language.. or am I speaking his? I mean he coined these terms..and here I am thinking that these were my own visions.

I need to dive into this..

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The last thing I did on the internet was stalk the white professor I was eavesdropping. I heard him mention CCA several times..

So I went on to the CCA website and scoured the 9 pages of faculty. He was on the 8th page. I think that was him. I tried to get a good look at him when I got up and walked by to leave. In his late 40’s, still boyish looking, wears t-shirts.

He’s  an adjunct professor teaching Strategic Foresight and Tactical Media. He must’ve made that up himself.

I have his name and email.

I’m not gonna e-mail him.

I just wanted to stalk..

God, I can be so creepy.

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But this long list of faculty at CCA is actually quite useful. Potential collaborators..when I expand pervette into different areas, fashion, books, zines, etc..

 

Wednesday, Oct. 30, 2019 11:37pm

Seattle

 

Dear U,

Today was a perfectly magical day.

 

Woke up. Did yoga with P, which felt amazing, and put me in a mindfull trance.

Then he went off to go look at boats

while I hung back, meditated and masturbated,

with one of T’s clean bath towels.

My first O in over a week or more.

That felt amazing. Mornings to myself are everything…

I created several pages for pervette.

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P came back, we ordered lunch, which arrived at the same time as the closet storage installer from the container store.

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Over lunch we looked at some of the interior decorators P’s broker recommended.  There was one we really liked. Their portfolio of the modern homes looked amazing.

 

Then around 3 we took off for West Seattle. A completely new part of town to us. We’re meeting with A, our agent at 4 to look at 2 properties.

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We had some time, so we explored Schmitz preserve park before our first house tour. It was a very magical park.

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Then we saw the first house. It was brand new, modern, and quite nice in the photos.

When we stepped in the house, we were blown away..

The view of the ocean was epic. The best I’ve seen ever. Floor to ceiling glass windows, open, spacious, filled with light, really decent finishes..

What? The rooftop is hot tub ready?

We’re sold.

Whoa, the downstairs basement level has the perfect room for a home theatre or a dungeon..!

..

Then we went exploring the town with our agent. She showed us the cool streets, it totally has a Venice vibe to it..I love it.

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We saw the second house which was right on the water, so close that from inside it felt like you were on a boathouse..

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Then we went back to the first house and caught the epic sunset. P and I were giddy thinking about this house as our home..

2.9M, and to think it’s cheaper than the house P was about to put an offer on, which was 3.25M.

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P says what I said to him yesterday really struck him and he took it to heart.

How before Mupp HQ, our Berkeley house, I had found another house which I fell in love with, but we were not quick enough to put in an offer and I was so sad. But then Mupp HQ came along, and it was even better than the house we missed.

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Double baked chocolate croissant at Bakery Nouveau

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Excuse me, do you know where the Alley is? I asked a guy in the alley

You’re talkng about the speakeasy?

Yep..

It’s a little tricky to find, I’ll show you.

He leads us to an alley within an alley, opens a steel fenced door that looks shut but wasn’t, once inside, to our right was a set of gym lockers, which he pulled back and it revealed an intimate speakeasy, it was absolutely surreal..

I got the Spice of Life cocktail. It was warm and nice..

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Crazy how yesterday after seeing the house P was gonna put a bid in, I couldn’t see myself in Seattle, living in that house. And now today, I can see myself in West Seattle, in this house we just saw, twice, since we came back, snuck into its backyard and caught the epic sunset from it.

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I’m so glad the power outage happened which pushed me out of town to Seattle and we spent two perfectly filled days in Seattle. I’m beginning to see the next chapter here..

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Thursday, Oct 31, 2019 7:42pm

 

Dear U,

I couldn’t remember my vivid dream when I woke up. Other than trying on a pair of shoes of someone who I thought had giant feet, but ut turned out they were a size 8 like me.

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I get these take away messages from my subconscious right when I wake up.

Today, it was this:

I need to film myself, talking to the viewer, for pervette. Start with being in the house, pulling books from my shelves, ones that inspire pervette..

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And the key to eating mindfully, is being mindful..When my mind tells me to eat or binge, take a moment to be present and in my body, just 3 breaths can help..

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Then P came into the room. He (kinda jokingly in his mupp way) laments how sad it was when he woke up in the middle of the night and I wasn’t in bed with him.

 

It’s hard for me to fall asleep in the same bed with P. He likes the room 5 degrees warmer than I would like it. And he sometimes snores. And I’m an empath, I’m so sensitive to energy esp around bedtime..

It’s been nice sleeping in T and Y’s master bedroom on the top floor with the windoes cracked open letting fresh cool air in, which would’ve been tool cold for P. I somehow find myself sleeping diagonally on their bed, as if I intuitively know that I don’t want to sleep in either of their spots, absorbing their energy directly.

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P spoons me and we cuddle. It’s so affectionate and nice of him. I feel like his love for me is continually deepening, esp as I mature spiritually and become more equanimous

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Then we get up, since he has to catch his flight to ATL. I go downstairs to “his bedroom” and sit in bed and watch him pack, so neatly and efficiently.

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When he took off, I meditated. I was able to clear my head, and enter that blissful state of seclusion. I wasn’t craving it but I thought it would be good to masturbate. My mind was also a complete blank when I came, which made it that much more pleasurable.

Then I was in this blissful meditative state for the rest of the morning, and then I started packing and tidying up T’s house..

It was so enjoyable tidying up his place. I washed his sheets, made his bed and P’s bed, did the dishes. I don’t think he mind that I cleared some random things into pleasant looking piles. He’s fond of collecting business cards, it seems.. and Monocle magazines, and Assouline coffee table books. I move the unhung art that’s leaning against the wall in more aesthetically pleasing positions.

All their furniture is from Design Within Reach.

I feel like P staying in T’s kinda abandoned home makes it so that he’s taking on T’s rich white dude personality. Well, then again, they’ve always had this subtle who can be more baller rivalry.

T certainly charters more private jets than P does.

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I feel like all this cleaning is akin to me doing my work meditation at the retreat..

..

I order through Caviar delivery from a place called Heartbeets Organic Superfoods Cafe a Joyful Bowl and Refresh juice (kale, celery, cucumber and spinach) with added carrot, cilantro, lemon and beets.

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..

I eat, tidy up some more, grab an UberComfort to BFI, hop on the JSX jet to OAK,

Just as I’m taking off, P texts telling me he just landed at ATL.

 

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On the flight back, I finish the bag of macadamia nuts and kale chips I had with me. I can’t stop eating every snack that I have on me.

During the flight, I record everything I ate this past week.

When I land, P2 and Cutie are there to pick me up. P2 brought me an Urban remedy Cacao bar wrapped with a blue ice block. This reminds me of how he used to bring me a bag of Have a Corn Chips when he used to see me back in the day. My treat snacks and treats are getting healthier.

 

The weather is so nice in the Bay.

We drive through the 5pm traffic. We exit and take surface steets..More kids walking in Halloween costumes, I love it.

I’ve been in such a mindful trance I find myself kinda quiet. We catch up..

Kincaid fire is 60% contained, P2 reports

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Home..with power!

My LED battery powered lanterns and Anker phone charger, and 2 2-gallon gasoline jugs arrived. Along with my copy of Synthesis of Design and Form.

And 8 1 glass jugs of spring water delivered by Fountain of Truth, P2 brings all of it in. We got for a walk in the magic hour with Cutie and catch the sunset. I tell him I have no idea what the future hold for me, and my living situation, but I’m open to what the universe has to offer..

I also tell him how grateful I am of our friendship. I felt my emotions and appreciation for him welling up, had nowhere else to go, but out..

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He helps me carry my box of notebooks out of the trunk into the moon room..

listens to my heartbeat, slow and quiet tonight, and takes off..

 

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And now I’m here writing to you..

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It was the perfect trip to Seattle. I’m so glad I came up, saw the house P wanted to buy and using my newfound equanimity, gently steered him away, and then we found a house that just felt so right..

I hope we get it.

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I can barely capture all the details of our conversations, between me and P, so you can get a sense of our relationship. it’s so utterly unique and special. And very very muppety.

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I recall, when I woke up Tuesday morning this week, with P next to me, and the take away message form my sub conscious was this:

The goal is to not be attached, to let go, of everything, even your self.

P is here in my life right now to teach me, to help me learn how to let go.

Of this house and my self..

What a gift.

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I think I’ll go read my newest book, Notes on the Synthesis of Design and Form.

Feels so good to be on a heated biomat in a house with heat and light, and an electric kettle to boil hot water for my tea.

I

Friday, Nov 1, 2019

 

I woke up feeling aimless. Maybe it takes a minute to recalibrate. I’m actually back at home, and alone. I have a full empty day ahead of me, with a long list of things to do. There’s a sense of being overwhelmed. And then not knowing what I should be doing next.

I signed up for a Bar Express class for 5:30pm (only later int he afternoon to cancel it).

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I meditated for 17 min.

I read Notes on the Synthesis of Form.

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I masturbated, came, several times. That helped. A ton.

It got me in a mindful place.

I worked on Pervette some. Editing the first few pages. I’m so picky about the wording..

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I called mom. I called her last night and she didn’t pickup and hadn’t called me back. The fires? Her teeth? Is she okay? She picked up. She didn’t know I called yesterday. I told her about my Seattle trip,I showed her the listing for the ugly house and the house I like. We talked about it.

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The mower and blower came as I was meditating, he waved hello through the glass door. He blew all the leaves that had fallen, there was a lot.

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Then I had P2 come over, he brought the ingreds that I needed to make us a salad, which I did. He also brought me a book called, What Would Jesus Buy? We ate our supper quietly, since I wanted to mindfully eat my first real meal of the day.

Then I had him use the gimbal and iphone and shoot me in the hot tub, before all the greenery around it goes away.

Then I had him do the hose test on the skylight, no drip.

Then we caught the sunset, it was actually considerably warmer today than yesterday. The sky was clear, and pink and purple.

Then we watched 44 min of Zen For Nothing, a film he bought and brought hoping I would watch it with him. It was relevant since I just came back from my silent retreat and a lot of the quiet rituals reminded me of time at IRC.

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After P2 took off, I mindfully cleaned the kitchen and nook.

I listened to my expanded horoscop by Rob Brezsny and the recording of the conference call of my online Jhanas class and fell asleep on the biomat.

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For a funky start, the day unfolded quite nicely.

 

 

Saturday, November, 2, 2019 11:55am

 

Dear U,

I woke up this morning with a message from my subconscious:

ACT AS THOUGH YOU  ONLY HAVE 6 MONTHS TO LIVE

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Which was great advice, because if I did only have 6 months, I would haul ass and get Pervette where I want it to be..

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I somehow went with my intuition, I didn’t meditate or go to yoga. I had tons of energy to work on Pervette.

So I did. I edited Name of the Game 

And started Rules of the Game

I was about to go meditate.

Then P called.

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He put an offer in on the house.

Which house? I asked

The Montlake house, he said

(The Montlake house is the one I don’t like)

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My heart sank

Oh, what was your offer? I tried to ask calmly

2.85M

Oh..

Your opinion influenced my offer, I went way lower than I would’ve.

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I couldn’t hold it in or even try to be equanimous, tears welled up in my eyes..

I think I was taken by surprise

After our perfect day in West Seattle, him saying my opinion had given him pause on the Montlake house, and then seeing the West Seattle home that we both got excited about and exploring the charming town together, after all that, he somehow decided to go back to the stodgy Montlake house and put in an offer, and then tell me after the fact?

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Oh geez, I didn’t know you were gonna take it like that, P says.

I was crying, it couldn’t be helped..

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I just put in an offer for a $3M dollar house and you’re crying?

(Yes, I was and it was exactly that, it’s $3M for a house that I don’t really like)

Maybe I should’ve meditated or done yoga in the morning, that would’ve put me in a more present and equanimous headspace. Instead I was quietly or not so quietly emotionally reactive and definitely not equanimous.

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P said seeing how I’m reacting, he feels like closing off and pushing me out, not wanting my bad energy with this house, he says maybe this is why he didn’t tell me he was putting in the offer yesterday, because he knew I was gonna be like this.

I said I’m like this not because of the house as much as the fact that he didn’t tell me what he was doing. All of this came as a surprise after our lovely time in West Seattle and us feeling like we found our house together, it just feels like a 180.

And just the fact that he didn’t feel like telling me that he was gonna pull the trigger, that already felt like the beginning of the separation.

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And true I do have some attachment to the W. Seattle house. It was there that I could actually see myself in Seattle with P. I couldn’t feel it when I was in the Montlake house, it just felt not spacious enough.

P says the W. Seattle house is too much space and he doesn’t want another version of Mupp HQ where I fill up a giant house with all my stuff.

I said it wasn’t gonna be like that..

I stopped crying and tried to sound more rational and explicative, which helped some, but he had to take off and go meet his college friends at a GTU football game. And so we kinda ended the call on a low level tension note.

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After I hung up, I cried to let it all out.

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Then P texted to say he’s sorry he didn’t tell me that he was putting in an offer yesterday, he said I affected his decision and it’s all fro the best, and he loves me a lot.

I replied, and I totally get it and understand his thinking. I was just caught off guard because he didn’t tell me until after. But I trust his decision and I love him and I’m always gonna be supportive , even if I cry and stuff.

That exchange helped a lot.

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Upon reflection, I saw his side.

I did affect his decision. If it weren’t for me, he would’ve put in an offer for 3M instead of 2.85. At 3M, he would’ve increased his chances of getting the house more. Here he put in an offer that he got he would be happy with it he got it at such a deal. And if he doesn’t then W. Seattle would be a strong possibility.

I get all of it.

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Then I called my mom. If I ask her to pray for the offer to not go through, that might help some.

I called her and told her that P put in an offer for the Montlake house.

She said that’s not a bad thing. She was gonna call me last night and tell me that after inspecting the photos of the listing some more, she felt into it and she thinks the Montlake house is warmer and cozier and she likes the white cabinets, while the house with the great view feels a little too spacious and cold. I could see why she would say that bc the Montlake house looks like a traditional gated community OC house (like hers).

But talking to her helped, even though she sided with P. Her perspective and voice was soothing and reassuring.

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As I was talking to her, P texted saying her heard back from his broker and the owner of the house said he was “deeply insulted” by his offer (cracking up emoji)

I guess it all worked out.

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Mom says gently I might need to be more self reliant. If this whole book thing of mine doesn’t work out I should look into working somewhere, applying my PhD, pension plans, etc.

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She’s right about the self reliant piece. I want to have money again, so I can do as I please and not rely on P and his decisions on where to live to affect my own.

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I called Dad back as he was calling as I was texting P earlier.

He asked if I googled 39 people dead in a shipping container.

I said I haven’t, I forgot that he told me about that last week.

Turns out they were all Vietnamese, he said.

I googled it and read as he talked about that or something.

That’s so sad.

39 people trying to find a better life outside of Vietnam

And it ended so tragically.

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Here I am crying over the fact that P put in an offer for a 3M house.

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I need these perspectives to remember, I’m so lucky.

And whatever happens is all part of some lawful nature.

And also I have to remember my subconscious morning message from this past Tuesday:

P is here to teach me how to let go..

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I went to the farmer’s market to get the produce staples.

Then to 3 Stone Hearth to get the protein.

Then to Monterey market to get lemons and a ton of avocados.

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Then home, texted back and forth with G about the dungeon, my housing situation and Molly.

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It’s a lovely day, I sat outside and wrote to you..

It just got cold, and I went inside.

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A reached out Thursday and yesterday, asking if I want to join him for this breathwork cricle tomorrow. I’m quite busy tomorrow with the Domme tea party and A2 is flying in tomorrow night.  And also (I didn’t say) the charge to see him has faded. Out of sight and touch, out of mind. That’s how it is with me. I’m sure if I were to see him again, I would think about him and want to connect with him soon after. But since so many days and weeks have passed, I almost forgot how it felt to desire him.

Moreover, I’m going to Tahoe with him next weekend. I’m in no rush.

Besides I have so much on my plate, Pervette taking up the most mental energy, well, right next to housing..

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It’s the magic hour. I should go for a meditative walk and meditate and dive into Pervette. Where did this day go?

 

Back to my previous week .