Themes: Tarot, creating a container, defining boundaries, cultivating the internal to reap the external benefits, energetic exchange, the perfect watermelon, spreading S2’s harvest, Tons of explanations as orgasms, or orgasms as explanations, You nose (P says to me), Impermanence, no eating after 5pm, no play no yoga no bar, got my period, TAROT, KABALLAH, Paul Kase, spiritual mediator session..!, my talk with A, buying a ton of books, intuition day, oracles, non-stop orgasms 100+?, Tellme your fantasies, ton of synchronicities, Intuition Day,

 

Sunday, Sep 15, 2019 10:46am

 

Dear U,

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. I feel like spirit has taken over. Time and my movements are slowing down. I’m resting more. Possibly to counterbalance my weeks before of little sleep.

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Maybe it’s the full moon.

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Something is definitely happening.

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I woke up at 6:47am with only the desire to meditated. I meditated for an hour and a half. The  last hour I was meditating remotely with the guru  and Whatsapp meditation group.

The shift from no energy to move before to clear decisive action after was dramatic.

The sit was powerful.

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I had visions..

of me making these maca aphrodisiac chocloate bars for tonight with me and A, and in the future for my threesome with A and L.

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I saw the future. This matriarchal commune is happening. I will have a baby with A and P. And L will be my sisterwife. And so will A2. She will be my sisterwife. I saw her with P.

The cosmic joke on P, as he always says to me he can never see himself with A2, she’s too much for him..

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I saw the film I’m going to make.

The Beastie Boys short film appeared. It’s going to be the same length as that film. And also have a ton of cameos… from all the different tribes that I’ve connected with over the years: dommes, sexworkers, plant medicine, balifornia, Asian American filmmakers, Vietnamese artists, tech, crypto, Burning man,

 

It’s going to be set int he not too distant future. I’m going to write and create the future I want to see. A post patrairchal, post shame, post #metoo era, poly is the norm, when consent is incredibly sexy, orgies, altered consciousness, brilliant minds coming together to solve the problems of our times, it will educate us on how to raise our consciousness and heal the divide between the masculine and feminine. It will be set in the future, present and past..

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I  did my sex magick ritual while watching the beastie boys film on my lap. So weird how that came to me, but it makes perfect sense.

This film will be cut into a 30 min length short for the film festival, but for the longer and more sexy scenes, the viewer goes down the rabbithole of pervette..

This is actually how what’s-his -name defined transmedia …

Sunday, Sept 15, 2019

 

Dear U, I woke up in a slow trance. I meditated for an hour and half. In it I saw..

My matriarchal commune,

I should make maca bars for me and A tonight, it might be a nice aphrodisiac, and I think I have all the ingredients..

(oh wait, I already wrote about that above, okay, back to where I left off)

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I was in a blissful state.

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Had a call with S4 about Pervette, I think I was masturbating while we were talking, he had no idea of course, we talked about my new launch date pushed forwards, house of brands vs. Uber-brand, MVP (minimal viable product) among other things, it was really productive

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My assignment for him was to write about his fantasies, of now and then, when he was little..

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I showered, tidied up the house, and S5 arrived at 2pmish as I was just gathering all the ingredients for the maca bars and jogged back to my text thread with L from 2 years ago to find the recipe she gave me.

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cocoa butter, cacao, maca, ceylon cinnamon, ghee, himalayan salt, raw local honey and melted into a pyrex over the stove..

I added to it than the recipe called for: ceremonial cacao that I got from Bali, cacao nibs, this chocolate honey concoction that She left behind last year, goji berries, coconut shreds, bee pollen

S5 says this all seems very witchy, my concoction.

We caught up as I three everything in the pyrex over the flame..

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He brought me cannabis and Honey Mama’s (speaking of yummy chocolate concoctions)

I gave him some Level.

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He also brought witchy resin from Sword and Rose, a shell to burn it in and a deck of Tarot. And we began our creative afternoon  with a ritual, the resin and deep breaths we took brought me into a trance, I pulled 3 cards:

4 of Pentacles-miserliness in a good way, creating boundaries, protecting yourself, cultivating the internal to reap the external

Reverse High Priestess-Guardian of the subconcious mind, keeper and teacher of sacred knowledge, go inward, focus on you, trust your intuition is leading you to potent information

10 of Pentacles- If you do the above, you will get everything that you want..

All adds up to the Chariot- you have set your objectives and have the will power and determination to bring them into fruition.

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We discussed what came up for us with these cards

while devouring the Honey Mama’s he brought and sipping on the tea I blended for us with the herbs I got yesterday..

We went outside, grounded in the grass..

S5 loved how I had a whole drawer int he fridge devoted to film: polaroids, 35 mm, 120mm, I told him to help himself. He alsoloved my analog film camera collection. He decided to work with my Yashica T3..

 

I like that he likes analog photography as well.

The shoot was so fluid. I love his momentum, it was breezy, we moved from the blue room, to the orgy room, to the moon room, to outside.. 1  or 2 outfit changes or was it just one outfit that eventually was shed to nude?

He gives easy to understand directions on how to pose, knows when to tell me to reset my body and shake it out. The 2-3 hours went by pretty quickly.

He’s so good with time-boxing, we wrapped up at 5:30, at the time I had P2 arrive to do chores..

I gave S5 some of P2’s heirloom tomatoes and peppers as there was no way I can eat it all in time..

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When S5 left, I visited with P2, who was holding Cutie, He followed me around the house I got ready to go to A’s.

I gathered more produce, some proteins for dinner and the maca bar. I had all of the pretty veggies laid out in a flat box, along the the new plant and planter I got for A yesterday..

I also packed the giant heavy watermelon S2 gave me from his garden. I wonder if it’s gonna be a good one or not?

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I gave P2 the list of chores, trash, fold laundry, remove blue tape from ceiling in laundry room (where She wanted to hang a dry rack),

then took off..

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There was a bit of traffic on the bridge, I sang along to my two songs on repeat..

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I arrived at A’s holding a ton of produce in my arms, we went straight into the kitchen to set everything down.

We caught up, and started making dinner.

Why does he feel not warm to me? Is it because we’re in cooking mode? There  was no intimate connection other than a quick kiss when I arrived to set down the veggies and watermelon. I adjust myself to be as cool and detached as I thought he was.

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I bumped into two fo his exes last night at a friend’s bday party in Sonoma last night. He had a good talk with his most recent ex they ended up sleeping in her tent and snuggling.

He did half a dose of Molly and kinda regretted it bc it just made him feel nauseous.

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He made the rice. I made my stirfry with the carrots, shiitake, and broccolini I brought, which he insisted was broccoli and I told him he was totally wrong.  I made do with the spices that he had in his cabinet.

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He heated the beef stew I got from Three Stone Hearth.

Our plate of food was colorful and yummy..

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After dinner, we cut into the watermelon, and to our surprise, it was seedless. And juicy and sweet and so yummy.

I ate so much watermelon,  I had to lay down on the sofa, letting my arms and legs wrap over A like a dead person.

I love you, he says.

It was the first true sign of affection from him all night..

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He told me about the rest of his time in Tahoe. How L, the British girl kept on lingering, eventually it was just the two of them, and he allowed himself to be  at peace that he wasn’t going to get days alone, he ended up hooking up with her. He said he can tell she was having a hard time wrapping her head around us. She wanted him and her to have sex in her bedroom and not the master’s which is where we fucked the nights before..

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I can tell she w as uneasy around me the whole time I was there, calling us “so San Fran” with our free lovin nudist ways..

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I admit I might’ve enjoyed making her feel uncomfortable in her prudish british ways..

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Anyways, him telling me that he hooked up with her didn’t settle well with me. We didn’t vibe, me and her, mostly because she was not into me as she was pretty threatened..

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We tried to switch gears to talking about our needs and desires in relationship.  I showed him my little school notebook, ( I got from somewhere in Europe). It was a notebook all dedicated to my thoughts on him..But I didn’t feel it, I couldn’t get in the mood. I had A switch the music to something softer. He put on Erik Satie. I had A light an incense, he lit the jasmine one I got for him a few years ago..

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He can tell I was struggling. he tried to lighten things up, by putting me over his lap and giving me a spanking for giving him sass about the broccolini in the kitechen earlier.

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Then we ended up fucking in the living room. He had me over the new chair (that we ordered when I was there 3 weeks ago). We broke it in, I guess you’d say. It was very sturdy.

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I think he thinks I like a good hard fucking. Which I do.

But maybe what I really wanted was something more loving and intimate, it’s all situational.

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After he came, we migrated into the bedroom. I had him start with his needs and desires. He started by saying what he likes about our relationship currently.

That we talk about meaningful things. That this is actually the only relationship  where he gets to talk about his relationships with other girls.

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It’s too much to get into everything that we shared. and what happened with the rest of our time together, after sex..

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I’ll skip to when I got home.

And how I was trying to put my finger on why something felt off to me…

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So I stayed up till 3, tracing back moments of our time and the feelings that came up for, wrote about them all while masturbating and coming non-stop.

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I placed an Amazon order for Necromancer and The Desire Map.

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I then went into the Study and pulled a book from my sexuality shelf,

She Came First and started reading.

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I also pulled three cards from the Fountain tarot deck that I pulled out of my witchy shelf.

Every night I look for signs to help guide me, it’s been a ritual now. Maybe instead of looking for others to help me (like Susan Miller and Rob Brezsny or Chani Nichols) i can find and read into these symbols myself.

I was inspired by my time earlier with S5 who is a pretty adept tarot reader.

Anyways, I need to get into tarot..

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I overheard two girlfriends chatting yesterday at Homestaed Apothecary how more and more therapists are incorporating tarot into their sessions..

Noted that.

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Crazy how  he night before I gave myself so much rest or my body just knew what it needed and went to bed early. Now tonight I’m buzzing from an agitated feeling and trying to get to the bottom of it through pen and paper, and blanket and orgasms. It just kept flowing all the reactions and feelings coming up, writing them down as fast as I could..

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I thought I heard something coming from outside..

Then it started to rain. When the weather changes this rapidly, it always feels like it’s mirroring something inside me.

I’m not even sure how I calmed myself down and actually went to sleep but I did a little after 3am.

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Interesting how I went form lots of sleep the night before to little sleep tonight. Like my future self knew it was in for it, a night of going inward with my ego, and prepared me..

Monday, Sept 16, 2019

 

Woke up early from a disturbing dream. I rarely get disturbing dreams..

It was kinda early, 7:30am, given I only had 4 hours of sleep.

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Biological imperative: masturbate, come a ton. meditate, then masturbate, non-stop, as I write about what’s coming up for me since my night with A. Things are becoming more clear to me, with every orgasm as explanation. With each a-ha.. the agitation dissolved a little more.

I ordered more books in between the writing whilst masturbating.

I got:

Say What You Mean

Inward

and

Good Sex

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I can’t stop this sex magick ritual. I must’ve came about 40 times. It was nuts..

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But it’s crazy how the agitation gave way to insight, into myself, into me and A, into relationships in general,

And I ralized this is all part of my pervette work. To  get into the shoes of a triggered love addict and find my way out and show others the way..

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To learn how to find my voice and articulate my needs and desires in the bedroom with an alpha avoidant.

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A is just being A. And I’m just reacting to him. All I can do is tell him how I feel without judgment.

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Wow. the key to finding your way out of being triggered by an avoidant, is to:

masturbate

journal

pull tarot

amazon books

masturbate non-stop

meditate some more

and journal and keep coming until you get it.

Why do you feel what you feel?

Where is it all coming from?

 

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I picked up P at noon at Jetsuitex.

We went to Belcampo for lunch.

Over steak carottes and a third of P’s burger, I told him about

my emotional journey that I’m having with A.

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To my surprise, P was so present. He listened intently, validated me as I told him about Tahoe..  and the catty british gal he slept with who didn’t like me. He was so on my side, it was so sweet.

I love how I can talk to my partner and confide in him about my lover.

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P is nonstop smiles and laughing around me. I  do act really muppety and it cracks him up like crazy. I love it.

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Is it just me, or are these oscillations between A and P kinda crazy. I mean I love them both. But the one in front me making me feel good is the one I’m so smitten with in that moment.

The crazy whirlwind of the last 12 hours is kinda erratic as this rainy sunny bay area micro climate weather.

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After Belcampo, on the drive back, I played the Ruth B song I’ve been listening to and singing along to, but I couldn’t really sing it with P in the car.

Yeah  this is  pretty muppety, P says, driving with my main mupp listening to a gay-ass song

I laughed. Somehow I like that P called a song that A liked as gay-ass. It is pretty gay.

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we came home, and A7, the gal who reached out to me last year visited for tea. She was so happy to finally meet me. See my face in person.

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We had tea and chocolate and she filled me in on where she was at, which was a lot. She’s been through hell after her breakup. Spinning into depression. But today, she seems to me like she’s on the other side.

I gave her a task. To set clear boundaries between her and her ex, no contact rule. I  could tell she was resistant. I likened it to sugar. You just need to cut it out, as we ate our chocolate.

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She cried as I told her that she’s doing it, the work to finding her power. She got excited at the idea of writing for Pervette. Sharing her journey to finding her power post heartbreak..

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It was a great and packed 1.5 hour meeting. After she took off, I went to my aerial class at 5.

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On the ride to, I had no desire to listen to my 3 songs on repeat. Maybe I’m finally sick of it. Maybe I’m over them as much as I’m over A, now that P is here.  I listened to something else.

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Aerial was short and easy, I found that I wasn’t in the mood, I wanted to be home and write. I’m in my head more than in my body..

After class, I cam back home, I cooked a stirfry for me and P as he was in the study studying his pilot’s material for the written pilot’s exam

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I stayed up doing my assigned reading for my Buddhist class tomorrow, it was all about Impermanence.

It seem really relevant, given that I can clearly see the arising and passing of my thoughts and feelings these past 24 hours..

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A had texted me earlier that day, thanking me for coming over with all they yummy food last night. In the evening he texted a pic of the watermelon and wanted to know everything about this perfect watermelong that S2 brought for me. He said it was the best he ever had.

I told him I’ll get all the deets..

And also that I’ve had insights come up since our time together..

LIke what? A asked..

I said I can’t explain it over text

it’s best in conversation

Tuesday, Sept 17, 2019

I woke up to a sound

I heard P coming through the backyard about to open the glass door to the room, I opened the curtain to unlock the door, he scared me, I screamed, he laughed.

I was trying to unlock the door for you, I said

I was going to sneak in the room quietly, he said, and besides every door in this house in unlocked.

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We lay around talking

I love waking up with P. We’re like silly kids playing in bed. Our love has been so sweet and fun these past few days..

 

You nose, he says, you nose big time.

I started this mupp language, it’s basically adding an S and pluralizing everything makes everything sound extra muppety.

He emphasizes the nose, since we both have these noses that are very muppety in character. And it feels as though the more we accentuate our muppetyness to each other in our talk and play, the more we really inhabit this muppetyness, and call attention to to each other’s muppetiness, the more connected we feel

you’re my main mupp, we like to say to each other

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On the way to breakfast, I asked P, who was driving, while I was writing in my notebook, what made him less of an avoidant. He thought about it

You, he said. I mean I think I’m still an avoidant with all the other girls.

He thought about it some more, he’s better at communication now..

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He orders his eggs benny, I order my mint tea.

I ate the avocado on the side with salt

Hey! you ate my avocado! p says

Oh I thought you got it for me.

He laughs at me, but last time he got his avo on the side for me, I just thought this was still the case.

It was 9:30 I gotta mosey over to class. It’s perfect that Venus is just right acorss the street from the Insititute of Buddhist Studies.

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A classmate was struck by the passage of the lion’s roar. it was very descriptive about how thunderous it was, causing the animals to urinate and defecate and run away,

It was just right before the passage about impermanance and how we’ll come to know it.

i raised my hand and said maybe the analogy was made to make a point that

impermanance isn’t something that you’ll learn in mild mannered way, like reading about it or hearsay,

you will lcome to understand impermanance in the same way the animals felt the lion’s roar,

You will feel it, it will rock your world and probably make you lose your shit

Everyone laughed.

Several times after “losing your shit” was brought up in class when we discussed about impermanence..I liked how I started a trend

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I was half absorbing everything that was said and half writing insights about my relationship with A, as it totally realtes to impermanance.

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After class, on my way, walking over to the bank, I perused the cart of cheap books right outside Pegasus book store, I rarely do that, since the books are typically used and scruffy and the titles are uninteresting, but I spotted a Jack Kornfieled book, A Path with a Heart, in decent condition for 1.99. I opened it, read a line, it’s good..

So I grabbed it. And went inside, got lost in the titles, I found a Rhoad Dahl book, Skyn, in the recommended section, I read an opening to one of his short stories, so absurd, I liked it..I used to read all of Dahl’s books as a kid. I grabbed it.

Then in the zine section, where any zone maker can sell teir zine there (even me), I found this interesting zine called “Catalog of Internet Status Symbols”

It’s pretending to sell internet staus symbols, like 100 youtube comments, 3,000 facebook post reactions, etc

It listed almost every platform imaginable and the staus symbol it’s offering to sell

I think it’ll be a helpful resource in thinking about all the platforms I need to tap into.

 

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I went to the bank to pay off my credit card bill in cash. To my surprise my balance was way higher than I thought it would be. Fuck me.

Goal, pay off credit card debt by next billing cycle, Oct 2.

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Went to staples to get a three hole punch  and binder and tabs for my class materials and since P asked if we had a 3 hole punch earlier.

P took the my car to his meeting, so I ubered back home  I should’ve told the driver to turn off his pop tween R&b music, it gave me a headache. How can I mild mannered white guy in his late 20’s be listening to music like that?

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made blueberry salad.

P came home, we muppeted it up on the biomat.

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You should have a baby with A, P said. As if this idea was his and novel to me. I can’t remember how I reacted, I’m good at not giving it away..

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We talked about my matriarchal commnune. I told P that once I make a ton of money, I’m gonna sponsor C, this one super cute japanese former pro domme in Tokyo who I hooked up with, to come to the states and she can be my sisterwife. P loved that idea.

I told him how I want A2 and L to by my sisterwife and how maybe him and A2 can get together.

P says  he can’t see himself with A2 in that way

Maybe when crypto blows up, I can just impregnate L and A2 and put them up in our compound.

That’s a great idea! I said.

I’m glad that P is on board..

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P got dinner with his friends in the city, while i hung back and read Attached. I’m learning a lot about avoidants. Since I’m in a relationship with a classic avoidant, again..

I facetimed with A2, she’s so in love with her guy, P6. He sounds so perfect for her. High EQ, into snacks, is quirky and muppety.

He’s part of the Kaballah Institute. Apparently there theseare books that hold the secrets of the Universe, A2 says..

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Wednesday, Sept 18th, 2019

 

Woke up with P, I cut his hair, took him to the airport, drove back

masturbated, read, wrote,

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At 1pm I had a my skype call with a spiritual medium woman whom A2 raved about. My appt with her was orig  in Nov but I got lucky with some cancellations freeing up..

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Holy fuck. I didn’t say a thing. She went into a trance, spoke to my guides, and I wrote and wrote..

Where to begin about what she said about my past lives..

I was buried up to my neck as a sacrifice for my village, and as a result, it was very healing for the village..

I felt tears flowing as I heard this, which means it’s true..

And I’ve always had this thing where I hate having anything around my neck

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I  was a taster, sniffer, caucasian male in Great Britain, I carved a lifetime career with my nose..

That’s coming back to me now in this lifetime as I can sniff/sense authenticity

I was a radical bohemian muralist in the 1920’s, and my murals were sexual and political and brought my community together

That’s happening again in this lifetime (i.e., pervette as my mural)

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My mom’s signature..

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There is a twin and not so quite twin.

 

P is my twin, and A is my not so quite twin

There’s more space in my relationship with A which makes it more fiery and combustible. He makes a great lover and teacher for me but not so much husband

He has a lot to teach me, like how to walk with pebbles in my shoes, but to do it with confidence.

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I’m essentially giving others what I experienced in my past life when  I was buried up  to my neck.

I’m giving them the exp of not moving, of surrendering, as a healing fulcrum.

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I have a guide back in the day, an expert in sacred geometry,  who taught me God’s number

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New Orleans..

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October will be my month where i will have full license to create..

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She  saw a video “Do you mind going backwards?”

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Nbmber 8  as in infinity in Pervette

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I had a tiny seizure when I was little. Did I have an incident that involved flying she asked?

Yes, I jumped off the dresser holding on to the curtain string thinking I was a flying trapeze artist, and landed my head on the edge of the dresser and had to get stitiches.

She says  I have a tiny scar I shold massage with castor oil

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Look into Ganesh for guidance on Pervette..

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Holy fuck..

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I decided to skip yoga.

Didi I tell you?

I got my period yesterday

my cycle is 50 days, I guess

I haven’t been in the mood to be active, maybe it’s my period

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I went to 3 stone and picked up my proteins, tons of pate, soups and broths.

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Then to Sur La Table. I got a nice Staub pan, to cook up my stirfry, it had a nice torquoise light blue color on the outside. Very classy muppety. I’m excited to try it out. I also got a coffee grinder to grind up the mushroom for tomorrow. We actually already have a grinder, but we used it to grind our brick of coke for my bday party, and it’s still filled with the ground up coke.

Figure it’d be good to have 2 grinders, designated for coke and mushroom.

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I didn’t know why it took me so long to pick out flowers at Berkeley Bowl, I ended up getting dahlias..

But when I got rung up, I saw the founder of Cafe Ohlone standing behind me in line. We started chatting, I told him how special his work was, I shook hands with him and his partner then realized that’s why I took my time picking flowers. I know we’ll meet again.

.

 

After I came home, unloaded the groceries and cut and arranged the dahlias into 5 different vases,

I chatted with A. I explained to him why I froze when we got to talking about our desires in relationship, how I felt distance from him when I first got there. And how it  didn’t feel good to hear that he hooked up with the british gal who doesn’t quite like me, and it was compounded with the fact that I wanted to spend time alone with him in Tahoe, and have the option of doing MDMA with him, and she somehow got what I wanted..

He was so receptive. And glad that I shared what I did, so that he can plan that for us in our next tahoe trip. He doesn’t think what I expressed was jealousy..

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I told him that I don’t think my fear is unwarranted, that if I appear too needy, he would reject me, as that is his history, of rejecting girls who  were too needy in the past.

He explained that my expressing of my needs comes from a place of power, which he finds incredible attractive and as for the women in the past, when they were needy they became weak..

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He said I have this magical power ..

He says

When I observe you in your effective way of being and your success in your pursuits and being a figure head and hub ofall theseSW , empowering people, and women, projects, and  the social circles you pull into your orbit

how I rationalize you are capable o doing this is because you’re super smart, super charming, and you this super power of visualizing what you want, no matter how crazy it seems to other people and then you make it happen

And I see you do this over and over again.

i think it’s one of the most incredible and magical gifts

I think you’re supernatural

I think there are people with skills that are developed and abilities developed beyond the common population

But I don’t think it has anything to do with past lives..

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We  chatted for an hour. It was such a nice and stimulating conversation..

After our call, I was up till 3am, ideas, thoughts, words flowed from me, as if I wasn’t me, but someone else was channeling these ideas about time, fantasies and past lives through me.

I was trying to get the house in order for J’s journey tomorrow. I was moving in a trance, my body was fatigued but words kept flowing..

 

Thursday, Sept 19, 2019

 

I went  to bed around 3 and woke up at 7. To prepare the house. I brought the biomat down to the chill room and set up the space.

J arrived at 10 exactly, in a brand new black Tesla model 3.

.

This is his second journey with me. Our first was in May, which took about 8 months to plan and pin down. This one was very last minute. He emailed Monday saying he has Thursday all to himself and is game for another deep dive.

I asked what his intention was for this trip. He says just to go deeper.

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I dosed him with a heart opener. I let his intuition guide the journey. I suggested it might be nice to start the trip with a massage (since I love giving them  and it i s a wonderful way to start a journey).

He said yes to that, and suggested hot tub before massage.

And so we did.

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J is an interesting fellow. He’s a very attractive doctor in his 40’s. I tell him that he has  a nice combination of qualities, good-looking, good-natured and yet humble. Anyone else possessing his physical qualities and status could easily be a cocky jock, yet, he somehow managed to be just a really sweet guy.

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He rarely gets massages

He was peaking when I was giving him a pretty deep tissue massage in the chill room.

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I’m glad I got to use my “Night with Molly” playlist that I made for me and A in our molly Tahoe trip that never happened.

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I massaged his jaw, and like I thought, he tasted metal.

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I asked him what his fantasies were. I was thinking aspirational fantasies, since that’s always on my mind. But he went into his sexual fantasies.

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And then we talked about fantasy projection.

Somehow the conversation veered towards his past experiences with girls hitting on him and how it played out.

It was a combination of the male perspective and his ability to remember interesting sexy details about the girls, what they were wearing, doing, he w as  a very good storyteller  as I was very entertained. It also  gave me ideas for my erotic film.

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After he dosed on the second medicine,

We were cuddling, it felt like what he needed, and it felt good.

And the hours past, and the shadows got longer and before we knew it the sun was gonna set in an hour.

We had been in the pink chill room, curtains drawn, music on the whole time, chatting..

I had  thought he would but on the mindfold blindfold and go inward, but that wasn’t the case, all the same,

Definitely a peak experience, he said.

.

 

Friday, Sept 20, 2019

4:04pm

 

Dear U,

I know it’s been a while. Sometimes when the spirit takes over, I go with it and have no time to stop and record it all.

.

(from what I can remember..)

About midday I stopped to call this day

Day of Intuition

because that’s what I did

I let the whole day unfold by my intuition..

.

I didn’t go straight into meditation as I often did every morning. I journaled on the biomat. Then A2 messaged saying Herper Collins wants her to push back the Powerplay bootcamp from November to a later date to coincide with the marketing, she asked what I thought. I told her that’s perfect. We had planned for November 14th, but I think Jan 17th (the date  just came to me) feels right.

So we pushed it back, which was perfect, bc we haven’t done any work to promote Nov 14th and that gives me more time to focus on pervette and with this date freed, that means I don’t have to cancel my vipassana retreat late Oct to prep fro the bootcamp (as I had to do last time in May) and it also meant that P  and I can go to Tokyo in mid November and from there fly straight to Bali.

Which worked out because we were  talking about tokyo last week of Oct, which would’ve been not ideal, given that I had the vipassana then and I had to choose betwen the both of them and then the bootcamp to organize from a different time zone and to fly from tokyo to Ny to Bali would’ve been a lot.

I talked to P, we felt into it, it feels good to do Tokyo and Bali mid Nov to mid Dec

Now that Powerplay is pushed back, I can go to my vipassana, focus on pervette launch, and go to Tokyo and Bali. Crazy how it all worked out. And also I didn’t see Powerplay happening in Nov even though we had set the date. Maybe that’s why I’ve made no effort to promote it yet.

And the  crazy thing is, I had put on calendar, on Sept 20th, “decide about vipassana”

I had given myself till this day to decide to either go to the retreat or email to cancel.

And I was 80% certain I was going to cancel before today

And somehow the universe gave me all the signs to go..

I’m happy I get to go. I like doing a vipassanna retreat at least once a year. And it’s a rare gift to get into these retreats esp with Gil Fronsdal leading it (the waitlist is in the hundreds and for some reason I always win the lottery and get in)

If I had went into meditation first thing int he morning and put my phone on airplane mode, I wou;dn’t have received all the messages that came in to help me “decide about vipassane”

(and also the day before, the spiritual medium psychic told me to go to Tokyo)

.

The rest of the Intuition Day continued with its synchronicities.

.

These past few weeks I’ve been craving guidance from the universe. I’m obsessed with checking my horoscope with susan miller, rob brezsny, etc. And after my shoot with S5 and his tarot reading, I realize I don’t have to look far or outside of myself or home for the signs, I have it all here within myself, my tarot cards and my books..

I pulled out Rider Tarot deck I got (or stole from the UCLA bookstore) when I was in college.

I also pulled out the tarot deck I got from Lewin’s Metaphysical Books. Y (before she died) recommended that  I learn the tarot through this deck of uncolored cards and color them in myself. When I read the packing of the deck, I realized this deck came from from the same society that was started by Paul Case, whose tarot book I just ordered the night before, because A2 sent me a picture of a stack of books at her new bf’s house, the books that he believes contains all the secrets of the universe (i.e., kaballah).

.

I started to google 1920’s female muralist Mexico City to find out who I was in my past life…

.

I meditated..

It’s been a spirit-driven

intuition guided

synchronicity-filled day..

.

J the contractor arrived to measure the deck. He was here just 2 days ago, saying he probably can’t start the upper deck replaced until after rainy season is over which he surmise was May 2020.

Now he thinks if he can get 4-5 dry days in the next month, he can maybe swing it before the rainy season kicks in.

P2 arrived a few minutes after J and we had a short visit before he grabbed some of his white powder from his stash fro his dionysian pleasure trance tonight.

I read to him my notes from my psychic reading.

I told him about how  in my past life I was buried up to my neck as a physical and verbal sacrifice for my village. He said that’s beenone of his oldest fantasies ever sicne he was little before he even knew about bdsm.

I told himhow I had a teacher in my past life, who was an expert in sacred geometry yeach me God’s numbers. P2 said that’s Kaballah..

 

.

This whole week has been one long masturbation-a -thon, everyorgasm is leading me to one a-ha after another..

.

It was a very creative intuitive day. Picking up books opening them up randomly bibliomancy style and letting the words lead me to write or grab another book..

I realize I have gathered so many incredible books over the years (esp since I’ve moved in) that I have essentially turned this house into a house of endless inspiration and wisdom. Everything here excited and inspires me..

I can pick anything up and be inspired by it. And it moves me to flow..

I moved from the biomat rectangle table in the moon room to the round table in the nook to the green bistro table outside in the deck, each spot is scattered with books and notebooks..

.

I stayed up late…

I finally started organizing my hard rives of videos, photos, and audio recordings..

 

And the strangest thing, a firetruck somewhat quietly rolled up outside in our cul de sac and parked right out front, with its red lights flashing, creating the red scatter light of the leaves from the trees to imprint the walls in the house. I went outside to see what’s up, I didn’t want to walk up to the truck to disturb the firemen at their work, but  I didn’t see anyone coming out, I waited for a while. the air was kinda mild for 11pm. Is there a fire nearby?

.

I went back inside  the house. What’s interesting is that around this week 2 years ago was when there was a fire right behind the house and I was woken up by the red lights of the fire truck scattering its light in the house through all the glass doors..

More synchronicities..

It was the day after that fire that She called up saying She had no home and needed a place to land, and I told her to stay with me.

Since the universe giveth, and can taketh away, so I might as well share what I have been given..

What is to be given and shared at this time?

 

Saturday, Sep 21, 2019

 

Quickly:

Yoga with Ai Kubo. Theme of the practice: slow down to invite more space. Amazing

Farmer’s market

Flowerland to get pots for the plants I got te weekend before at Crimson

MOnterey Marke to get a tone of lemons and limes

Meditated  for an hour

Moved the 3some from the 28th to 29th sinve P says he’ll be coming up Fri-Sun, and L will still be in her 3 day meditation thing with guruji and as it turns out the 29th is better for A.

.

I read S4’s fantasies..since that was my assignment to him this past Sunday.

And his assignment to me was to think about Pervette’s MVP, minimal viable product for launch.

The  crazy thing is, reading his fantasies (many of which were my aligned with mine, e.g, building a compound in a multi acre lot in nature  and building a commune) helped me arrive at my MVP for pervette.

I unlocked a huge piece of Pervette…

the Fantasy Submission portal..

.

I’ve been asking this question a lot recently,

What’s your fantasy?

.

I started mapping out the Dominatrix path of pervette. It’s all coming to me..

I was in ecstatic flow. So much that I had to pull out my 1980’s cassette player and blast my Deric Wan tape and jumped and swirled on the hoop.

I felt like I was  unlocking something and realizing my fantasies that I had when I was 8 listening to these very songs. I’m that girl in my dreams, the one with super powers.

.

I started the Will Wright Masterclass on Game Theory. Because intuition told me to.

Holy fuck.

Thank you, Intuition.

.

I ordered a gimbal for my iphone on Amazon.

.

L texted saying that M, the beautiful shaman whom I accidentally kicked in the face when she served me toad 3 years ago ( I get thrashy when I’m on the toad), is in town and wants to be served kambo by L as well.

Maybe I can serve you both together? L suggested.

I responded with an emphatic yes, I haven’t seen M since my birthday 3 years ago. She served my toad twice. She’s a beautiful soul. Inside out. And I’ve l’ve always felt a kindred connection with her.

Crazy how my shaman friends are all coming back at this divine time. And kambo is bringing us together..

 

.

Oh another crazy thing. Remember that zine I picked up on Tuesday after my Theravada studies class. I googled the creator. I just found the next person I want to bring into the pervette project. She’s asian, super quirky and is  a design researcher and makes zines.. omg I want her to work on the pervettes site, illustrating some of the pages, helping me create zines, and my tarot cards. I mean she has tarot card designs in her portfolio for crying out loud..

.

 

Sunday, Sept 22, 2019 4:14pm

The Study, Berkeley

Dear U,

It’s officially fall. All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray. At least it was when I got out of my bar class. I haven’t been recording the weather these days. It’s been perfect to say the least. Today the sun came and then it would hide behind the clouds. The fluctuations between bright yellow and gray light makes my heart swoon. I can fall in love with the weather at every moment it keeps on changing.

.

P2 came by around 9 today to pick up Cutie for the day.

I continued with Will Wright’s Masterclass. It’s  getting my wheels turning for Pervette.

I went to Bar Method at 11. I swear that one hour is one of best investments of my time.

I finally did the dishes, I let it pile until it overflowed in the sink since Thursday night.

The class was in order fro J and his journey Thursday. And by Friday noon it was a mupp explosion of piles of books, tarot cards and notebooks.

Currently I have a few active notebooks:

Journaling

Pervette Ideas

Thoughts on A

Project Planning

Food/Drinks/Other things I put inside me

Theravada class

.

When I’m on my period, I crave chocolate. The only chocolate I have is the raw ceremonial cacao I got from Bali. It’s a giant brick that I’ve been carving off from

.

Note: I’m getting into true intermittent fasting, as in I break my fast around noon and  stop eating around 6pm. As a result, I feel slim and great the next morning. Unlike the nights when I eat late till 9pm.And during this  6 hour window, I’m kinda eating a lot, to  a point of filling pretty full. In  a way it’s perfect, I get to gorge and fast all in one day. The fast counteracts my gluttony.

.

I’m placing the new plants I got around the house.

Since I have this tendency to put all my plants in the kitchen, breakfast nook and moon room area, there’s like 13 plants there. And 5 in the powder room. All of which are in the upper floor northside of the house, which is my corner. I’m pretty much hanging out there all the time..

SO

I placed a plant on each bedside table on both sides of the bed in the master bedroom. It’s the first time I put something alive in the bedroom other than the occasional flower in vase. I placed my small wooden guanyin statue in front of the plant making it a mandala for Her.

.

I placed a jade plant in the library by the window and a tiny palm plant on the bookshelves.

 

I placed two plants in the dining room. Other than to say a prayer, I’m rarely in this room. It has such a  nice long wooden dining table. I should spread my books I’m reading out on this table and use this space more..

 

I placed the new african violets I got in the blue book room aka guest room.

Two plants in the master bedroom (or should i call it the mistress bedroom?)

Two plants in the library (or should I call it the study?)

Two plants in the dining room (or should I call it the reading room?)

And one in the guest room (I don’t know what to call this room, the blue room, since the walls are blue? the cave? the lightwell? tbd)

I’m adding (plant) life to these often neglected rooms. And books. This feels good.

.

I keep on thinking when I’m here, how is it that I have this giant beautiful house, all to myself?

How is it that P got this house and decided soon after it’s not for him, and instead he spends most of his time in a 600 sq ft ocean side apt in Santa Monica and here I am in a 4400 sq ft hilltop house.

It’s absolutely nuts.

I’m not complaining. I’m in awe.

And so fucking grateful. Everyday is a dream.

This house of love, of medicine, of cocooning, this house that has taught me so much, this house that I’ve learned to love, take care of and let go of is one of the mysteries..

what’s to become of it?

All I know is that everyday I want to breath more life into it. I want to create in it .

I want to make the most of it, while I still can.

.

I’m writing to you in the study. I’m spreading out here.

I just three hole punched all my reading materials and handouts from my theravada class and put it in a bunder with tabs. Who am I?

Going back to my valedictorian super ocd nerd self..

.

P2 came over… I hope I have time to record all of our conversation..

He  asked if I knew of anyone who has any connections to valium or percoset. He thinks he might need it in the case that his aging parents pass away, he feels like he’ll be able to deal with it with valium.

I told him I don’t know of anybody who has access to it, but I’ll keep my ear to the ground.

I suggest that instead of reaching for valium, he should start meditating instead.

He says meditation has never worked for him. And he doesn’t have the time for it.

I told it’s a practice. And if he has time to watch youtube, he  has time to meditate.

He said he’s tried it and he doesn’t think it’s as effective for relieving stress as other things like youtube or valium. He  actually found it to be frustrating.

I told him I used to think the same way. That’s it’s not my thing, esp for someone as ADHD as me. And that there are a bajillion other things I’d rather do with my time then to ait and be still. But  that’s the very first level of meditation: resistance and rationalization as to why you shouldn’t do it.

.

Truism or pervette-ism:

Anything that is supposedly good for you

that you’re resistant to

is the very thing

you ought to do.

.

.

The name of the game is to find your bondage and find your way out of it

.

P2’s bondage is anxiety

It cripples him

.

He thinks his way out of it is valium.

But that’s not the way out of his bondage.

It’s just a crutch.

It’s a thing outside of himself that he think he needs to escape from anxiety

But that very thing is also a potential bondage in itself

When you rely on something outside of yourself to experience “relief” from your “stress”

You become attached to it.

And anything you become attached to becomes your bondage.

.

When you are running away from something and towards something else, you are never free, but caught in a loop, and the illusion that you are free, when actually you’re in a never-ending cycle.

.

To only way out of your bondage is to sit with it

and get to know it.

As uncomfortable and painful as it is, it’s the only way..

Because this is all about you getting to know yourself

All of yourself,

even your shadow self,

get to know it,

get to the bottom of it

the roots,

go deep,

to the core,

because inside you

is your medicine

when you can sit with all of yourself

and know your self

you find your center

and that is your strength

and that is your way out of your bondage

.

something happens when you hold still, long enough to see your thought and emotions arise and pass.

You  realize you are not your thoughts and emotions, they come and go…

everything is impermanent.

 

.

we tend to look outside of ourselves for the answers to our problems

but that’s actually our problem.

we’re looking in the wrong places.

don’t go out

go in

to

ward

your self

to see

there is no self

there are only these sensations, thoughts and feelings

that we think is part of our selves

but when we can slow everything down

every thought, every emotion, every

breath

we see this is not me

everything come and goes

and

All you are is consciousness.

and when you are aware of it all

breath by breath

you will see

that you are free

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P2 said he doesn’t want to read my journal anymore… it makes him feel rejected when he reads that I cuddled with J in my journey on Thursday..

(oh  there’s so much  to get into)

We talked about fantasies, Foucault, etc..

.

.

I wish I can write more, but I have a research paper to start (since it’s due Tuesday morning) and holy fuck the reading (on dependent arising) for this week is a lot, and I gotta cover it all by Tuesday morning. All the while, my shamanatrix friends are coming over tomorrow at 11:30am to sit with me and the frog medicine..

.

And my first pervette milestone deadline is Friday this  week. I need to get pervette into shape to apply for a credit card processor in my site.. ..

And I have a session Thursday evening. And possibly Wednesday evening.

It’s a full week. Oddly enough, I don’t feel stressed. I think I can do it all with “ease, focus, grace and clarity.”

 

.

Per Q’s suggestion, I made a special blend of tea tonight, with kava, roselia flowers from Bali that that She left behind.

.

I’ve used the honey She left behind to make my soy ginger for my salmon, I also used her chocolate honey She left behind to make my maca bars, now I used her roselia flowers she left behind

.

I had the intuiitiomn to listen to my Rob Brezsny expanded audio horoscope. This is the week to

.

So many little details are left out..

like how I’ve connected with many subs, friends this week, all male, very deep meaningful exchanges are had.

 

.

 

(Starting my research paper on Dhammapada (the path to liberation), I got inspired and  went back and wrote that stream of consciousness part above re P2 and valium, I hope he takes it in a positive way. I hate to sound preachy. I also want to write about meditation in a less woo woo way. It’s really hard to capture, I understand why the woo woo language exists)

 

Tuesday, Sept 24, 2019 3:43pm

 

Dear  U,

It’s interesting to look down and see that I have three perfect circles burned into the inner side of my right leg.

L was right after our kambo ceremony yesterday  when she said I was going to be in “hunter” mode today.

.

I totally am right now.

I was more vocal in class, insights flowed to me of which I shared. I think I’m developing this ability to take what people have said and weave them into my line of thinking or line of argumentation.

During the break, I chatted with D the teacher about her knowledge of the Pali language, does it help her unlock new levels of understanding in reading the scriptures.

Absolutely, she said.

That motivates me. Some part of me has always fantasized about being a polyglot. I wish I can learn rapidly and speak at least 11 languages fluently.

I also have this fantasy that meditation can help me achieve that

As well as reading a ton of books, retaining every bit of wisdom and clever sentence construction, and weaving it all together into my theory of everything.

.

I just ate a half of jar of chicken liver pate and avocado

right after I ate a brink of ceremonial cacao

and a giant kale salad I made

and half a jar of ground beef al greco.

wtf.

.

today’s class was great. great is defined by my ease of sharing thoughts effortlessly  and getting validated by the teacher.

.

after class, N came up to me and suggested we finally try to lock down a date to get some tea. Funny how I feel dominant around every guy

except for A.

.

But something feels different today. Maybe it was kambo yesterday. Or my conversation with A last night, which always spawns endless hours of thoughts flowing and me writing it all down.

All affirming that I want to be balanced with him. No more power struggle (in my head).

It was the dream that I had last night, when I woke up, I wrote down what i needed to say to A.

I have this new confidence..it’s growing.

.

The psychic might be right. A is teaching me how to be confident walking with pebbles in my shoes. Or something.

.

I  did a palindrome. After class I walked over to Pegasus (like I did last week).

This time I knew exactly what I wanted. All the zines I can find by Joyce S. Lee.

I found 3 more and got it all. The one I really wanted, they didn’t have. All the more reason to reach out to her..

.

Then I walked over to Chase and paid down my credit card. I pulled out all the Benjamins I had in my wallet and gave it to  the teller.

After my payment, I checked my balance.

It’s exactly 4400.

SHould I borrow that money from P and pay him back within the month so I don’t have to eat the interest charge?

But I already promised him in Bali after he totally helpe dme out that I won’t ask to borrow money from him anymore.

I’m determined to pay it down asap. I know I can if I sessioned I could.

While I was making my kale salad, I had a thought. What if I can get the credit card processing in pervette soon, and generate eough money to pya  off my credit card debt.

.

I had a great coaching call with Z. She  really helped me clarify my subgoals.

I told her that I meant benefit from having an accountability buddy whom I can check in with weekly.

She  asked if I have anyone in mind.

The first person I thought of was A.

.

She was very excited about how I worked through with her my next steps.

I mean I’m supposed to apply for a credit card processor by Sept 30. I haven’t really touched the main pages of pervette in a while.

I’ve been doing the invisible work of fleshing out each aspect of myself, on a large pad of vellum grid paper. And these past few ecstatic intuition days have been fruitful in that endeavor.

.

I basically have 3 days to submit pervette to the underwriter.

Can I do it?

.

I’m not going to Bar today. Even though I have a fuck ton of energy. I’m gonna pour it into pervette.

right now…

 

7:48pm

 

Holy fuck.

I feel incredible.

Incredibly focused, determined and fearless.

Like the fearful, doubtful, resistant voice in me is dissolving.

.

In my gloaming walk with the bats tonight, I feel like a new person, my shoulders square, my eyes on the horizon

.

And doubly holy fuck

I just talked to P.

What a transformation

in the past 48 hours

his shoulder pain that’s been going on for weeks has dissolved just today

it started when he realized its not really from an injury it’s just the way he’s holding on to his stress

he did yoga  for the first time in a long time yesterday

his pilot’s license studying is 15x more tedious than he realized

there was a bit of wanting to throw in the towel I can hear in his tone yesterday

but today, he broke through

the shoulder pain is gone

he had an acupuncture session that felt like 5meo dmt

he  has  arrived

he’s over cannabis

he wants to be embodied

sugar babies are reaching out and he realizes he just  wants to invest his energy

into fruitful relationships.

.

He says  he’s ready to make love with me.

I felt tears running down my cheeks…

.

How is it  that we are breaking through at the very same time?

.

All the while, I can feel avoidant A pulling away, as I wanted to ask him to be my accountability buddy for my pervette weekly goals project. And I texted him without hesitation today that i wanted to share with him all the things that came to me last night and this mornign about his alpha conundrum and us.

.

This is all very interesting and exciting to me. I don’t know what’s to come but I’m welcoming all of it…

 

.

Okay. I’m feeling into a Rob Brezsny expanded horoscope, will wright masterclass lesson, reading about the spider in thy book of symbols and saying a prayer to Guanyin..

and closing my eyes and visioning the page 4’s of pervette….

10:16pm

i just watched the important lessons to me in will wright’s masterclass..

lots of food for thought

 

.

something has shifted with my feelings with a

i had texted saying i would love to share some thoughts

and i have no anxiety as to whether he wants to engage or not

he gives no sign of wanting to chat

and i feel at peace and freed up from it

like I did my part

put myself out there

and i  feel good about it

not skiddish or anxious

it’s like i don’t give a fuck anymore

it’s absolutely liberating

and powerful

.

amazoned 2 books today

Love as Equals: Relationship as a Spiritual Path

777 and other Qabalahistic writings by Alesiter Crowley

 

Now after will wright’s masterclass

I’m gonna Amazon The  Diamond Age

 

Wednesday, Sep 25, 2019  12:12pm

 

Daer U,

I don’t know where to begin.

To describe this as magic is failing its potency

Because something is going on..

.

I mean I just named this room that I’m sitting in now (which was once the “dining room” that we only used twice the  4.4 years we’ve been here)  the magic room as of Monday.

This room that has the Guanyin altar. This room that I just placed a new plant in. This room that I just laid out my tarot and new Qabala books in.

Last night, many things happened.

Including the veil being lifted..

.

I truly saw A for who he is. I am no longer enthralled by my fantasies.

I feel liberated..

This is what the Buddha was talking about.

.

But I’ve been going into Kaballah as well,

And my goodness..

there is something potent brewing.

.

This morning, I’m heeding the only thing that I can remember from my dream. Slo gin.

As in slow…ing

.

Even though I only have 2 days left to pull pervette together for the underwriter, I  am listening to my body and the signs around me. Slowing

My process of “working” to hit a milestone is quite unusual..

.

There’s  so much going on

Why did P and I arrive at our breakthrough at the same time?

.

THE KEY,

that I found..

.

There’s  so much to say and yet I feel as though I shouldn’t say more because this feels like a secret between  me and universe.

.

Al I know is that doors are opening, and I am being guided by into this new chapter…

.

If I sound out there, it’s because this is definitely out there.

.

In other news, the weather today is unusually warm and windy. The  glass doors were opening and banging shut as I meditated.

My meditation felt like the deepest longest sleep.

.

This strange weather is matching everything it touches..

 

Something is happening. I am welcoming all of it.

.

I wrote it all down in my physical  journal, as much as I could, all the synchronicities, all the miracles, all the signs..

.

I was up till 2 last night. The key to pervette came to me..

 

I’m so grateful for this intuition, for all the forces, spirits around me, showing me the way..

Thursday,  Sept 26, 2019  2:07pm

 

Dear U,

You think I would be working on building these pages on pervette since I only have a few days left.

I thought so too.

But yet I spent most of yesterday and today reading and finishing “The Key”

A book I randomly pulled out of the back closet of the guess room the other day and laid on top of a stack of random books in the study. On a superficial level, it’s not a book I’m proud to flaunt. Seems like hokey kinda book, not pretty cover, I got it used the at Friends of Library bookstore. I must’ve got it because I opened it up to a page and like what I read.

.

Anyways, it came to me the night I sat down in the magic room.  It was floating around..I picked it up

holy fuck

I couldn’t put it down.

The transmissions in that book affirm and expand my own. And beyond.

reading it is doing something to me.

.

B, the agent at merchant focus emailed me to day to ask if I’m making progress on my website.

.

I replied saying yes and I’m planning to refresh the site on Monday and have something to show the underwriter.

I scrolled down in my previous email to her. I told her in August that I’ll have something for review in September. Monday is the last day of September.

.

Anybody who looks at the way I work may think. WTF? I’m not working. I’m not putting in my hours. I’m just masturbating and reading.

Jotting down ideas as they come to me.

Yep. That’s how I work.

 

.

I zoomed over to 3 stone hearth to pickup my preorder food.

I bumped into C, as I thought I might would since I know she works there.

I haven’t seen her since she was a domme renting at the studio.

.

I came home, quickly grabbed everything I needed and rushed to the studio where P2 had set everything up.

He was happy that I brought Cutie.

.

we chatted as I got ready.

I told him that i’ve been contemplating why it doesn’t come naturally for me to give him the intimate affection that he needs.

.

I’m not sure, I think it has something to do with how we framed our relationship from the beginning. He was the extreme masochist to me. And I haven’t really shifted that frame into thinking he derives pleasure from pleasure.

.

I  had a session with J, L joined.

J said he was having a very bad day.

His young lady friend dumped him.

She sent him an email saying she doesn’t want to do sexwork anymore and if he wants she’s open to being his therapist

.

Do you think this has anything to do with you proposing to her last month? I asked.

Maybe.

.

L came in later to join the second half of the session.

I  quickly filled her in on his fantasy, how he’s lways wanted to be blinbdfolded and have his mouth used. Of course, I don’t do that with my clients and L isn’t going to indulge his fantasy either. But knowing what his fantasy is, we can work with it verbally, and play around with it.

.

Oh I almost forgot, he’s on dialysis, so he has a cord hanging from the side of his stomach, I dropped that pretty casually.

What? L seemed slightly be wildered by my nonchalant footnote.

.

That was crazy, L said, He needs MDMA.

I’m glad you brought that up.

.

L came home with me since my house was a way better night’s rest than where she was staying at in the city.

.

A had texted on the ride home, saying he’s still enjoying my chocolately buttery deserty thing I made and left for him.

I feel even. And light that his text doesn’t effect me.

He texted again after I said goodnight to L.

“Are you still up and free to chat?”

Then I felt my upper chest tighten.

.

What is this strange feeling?

The grip on my chest?

After I was so relaxed and at ease from what I thought was my breakthrough..

.

I didn’t feel like talking to A.

I meditated, the tightness dissolved..

I read over my notes on/for A..

.

I texted back  a half hourlater

I’m still up and can chat.

.

No reply

I was somewhat relieved

 

Friday, Sept 27, 2019

 

I fell asleep (sad face), A texted in the morning.

.

During my meditation with the guru (remotely),

I picked up my notebook (on A) and started writing,

a distillation of all my notes into key points for A

I tried to filter out my ego and make it informative

like a how to be in relationship

in the form of take home messages.

.

I texted and asked if he wanted my notes

he said yes please

so I sent him the pictures I took of the 7 or so pages in my notebook

.

I realized nothing needs to be said, it can just be written and sent off

I can’t believe I was so fixated on having these conversations with A

when all I really needed to do was give him my notes

.

The notes of course had clues

to everything I’ve felt and experienced these past couple of weeks

even the realization that this is all coming from my fantasy..

.

and now that i dropped it

I feel this incredible release.

not unlike what the Buddha described when

he talks about liberation being a process

of becoming disenchanted, dispassioned and disillusioned

.

I feel like I closed the circle of this 15 year thing between me and A

I healed myself, I saw myself and him more clearly

And I accept what’s mine, my fantasy, and what’s real..

.

I tied up all the loose ends after I sent A my notes.

I gave him the name of the watermelon variety that I got from S2 and shared with A, which heclaimed was the best watermelon he ever had, it’s called Millionaire..

I gave him a picture that I took of a page from his notebook, entitled Qualities of a Good Lover, that he wrote in 2008 (but he can’t seem to find the notebook).

.

I decided to write a P.S. note to A.

Telling him that I love him and I think to love him is to give him what i think he wants  and needs, which is space..

.

And what I think you need is, well, you’ll let me know..

.

The note was slightly cryptic, it can be read in different ways, if he wanted to, it can be read as a goodbye

but I left the ball in his court..

.

It was strange, I was closing the gap,

What needed to be done was done.

I don’t feel the pull of desire anymore

I feel free.

.

I felt it all over, it was the most surreal somatic experience.

I felt light.

In all senses.

.

And then P came home.

He was so happy to see me.

He looked and felt different.

He hadn’t smoked in days.

His face was bright and even more boyish than usual.

He tells me he’s looking forward to having sex with me.

.

It’s so weird how quickly everything happened like clockwork

I made space..

.

Can you just stick your cock inside me and not move it? I asked, Kinda like what the Mormons do. I think they call it soaking..

I love it when P thinks my ideas are ridiculous and cracks up

.

And  so we soaked. It was lovely and silly. I like that we can be connected physically and laugh at ourselves at the same time.

.

Funny thing was, that whole idea of soaking, was my fantasy with A.

Since I can’t have unprotecred sex with A, this was my work around it.

But I never got a chance to do it with him..

.

Anyways..

Our love-making was very present, so much it reminded me of a DMT experience I had when I did it with P present.

..

 

Saturday, Sept 28, 2019

 

11:11 I said, make a wish.

I wish I have a billion dollars tomorrow.

Hmm I’m not sure if the universe works like that, but  we should  get a lotto ticket.

.

I went to the same gas station I went to the other week.

The same vietnamese clerk was there,

$40 on number 1

And one super lotto, powerball and mega

I said in vietnamese.

 

He wished me good luck in vietnamese.

.

One unexpected thing led to another..

 

L lost her car keys..

Which meant she stayed here for lunch..

and…

 

(so many details, all revealing..magic)

maca bars, the microphone I lent her, P’s sniffly nose, missing key that led to another,,

 

It’s 11:55,

I worked on pervette some

but not enough to say it’s anywhere ready for the underwriter to see

.

I have no desire to see A and have a threesome with him and L tomorrow,

that’s how I feel now.

I’ll keep feeling into it.

.

L just came up to say she’s going to bed

Today was the most productive day she had in a long time she said

I meditated, did yoga, ate really well and worked on my project

I told her those were my 4 pillars of a perfect day.

I guess we did do it all today.

.

It was a day where nothing went according to plan, and yet it was exactly what needed to happen..

I didn’t get my tons of hours workign on pervette in, yet I feel not anxious, at ease..and fully present for L and P..

.

I keep on calling L the wrong name. She has a similar name to Her. And now that L is in the room She once stayed in, and I joke with L that she’s my sisterwifey, like Idid with Her..And  I lent L my car today like I did when SHe  was here..

.

 

.

Meanwhile, the weather this week shifted rapidly,

from super hot to witchy rainy

just  like my moods and perceptions,

it’s so erratic and unpredictable

love it all..

.

All the things..

..This is a thing

That’s what L says a lot

 

Sunday,  Sept 29, 2019 3:06pm

 

Dear  U,

 

I woke up this morning with what I thought was a brilliant idea.

A and  L should meet one on one tonight, without me. It’ll be more fluid and better that way.

And besides I have work to do. And no desire to do anything else.

.

I meditated.  I was feeling shakti quite strongly.

P and I went to Belcampo for brunch.

I told him how I  didn’t feel like seeing A tonight.

I just want to invest my energy into where it’s most valued.

He heard me. He realized the same thing with this findomme he lent money to and she hit him up the other day saying she’s in town, and wants him to pay for her lodging but she doesn’t have time to see him.

Wait, this is the same woman who you gave money to so she can meet her biological mom?

Yep.

.

I came home. Feeling really good about my decision.

A texted earlier asking what time I wanted to come over tonight.

I told him when he had a moment, we should chat..

.

.

 

We chatted..

So did I do something that disappointed you and now you’re pulling back?

Uh yeah

I think he kinda called it.

I feel like I’m constantly flipping my perspective.

This whole spiritual transcendence/overcoming my fantasy thing I’ve been experiencing, is it real?

Or is it my spiritual ego?

But I did feel the lightness of being detached from my fantasy so viscerally these past few days.

Or was that just my ego?

Wtf?

He says he was really enjoying our time and connection and is slightly disappointed and sad that I’m pulling back.

He says he would love to see me tonight before I go to NY tomorrow.

I feel like I should see him, but my body doesn’t feel it at all.

I thought I was just gonna have a nice afternoon/evening taking my time to pack and work on pervette..I  was so looking forward to it.

Now I feel this heaviness all over..my body is contracting. Should I go into the city? That’s an hour of my time  traveling. But if he comes here, I have to tidy up the house, which feels more stressful than driving. And the act of getting ready feels like a lot right now.

.

I’m torn, do I see A?

It would be good to unpack everything because I’ve been in my head these past few weeks.

But I should be working on pervette. I told Merchant Focus I’d have something to show them by tomorrow.

But is seeing A and seeing the other side part of working on pervette?

Fuck.

I’m confused.

I made some maca chocolate bars with bee pollen, coconut, walnuts, and rose petals as I vacillate.

.

I still have time to decide..

3:34pm

 

When I felt into telling A that I can’t make it. And I spoke to the invisible him out loud the reason why I can’t see him but  yet I appreciate his directness and desire to see me.

I also want to tell him that I’m owning that this is all me and has nothing to do with what he did or didn’t do..

I felt my body relax. This is the right decision…

To wait..

.

I’m amazed at how my body tells me everything

It has this quiet energetic wisdom.

I feel grateful that I’ve learned how to listen to it..

.

I need to meditate. But P2 is coming back with Cutie any minute now. It’ll probalby be good to talk through this with him.

.

It’s really insane how I think I’m seeing clearly and then I see that I might be deluding myself. My ego is so slippery. Reality is so unreal.

8:16pm

 

Everything is happening for a reason. I know this heart wrenching feeling is for something…

.

 

I don’t understand how he has this power.

..

 

11:58pm

 

I talked to A.

I can’t believe this was all in my head.

This fear of rejection.

And how I can spin a whole story in my head, around it saying that it wasn’t that..

It was him and I was just trying to give him space

learning how to let go

shit like that.

 

.

I  can’t believe I cancelled our threesome tonight.

Wtf is wrong with me?

.

I mean I know why I did that

Because I’m trying to be responsible and productive here.

I’m working on pervette right now.

It’s slow going. But it’s kinda flowing,

I’m so delerious  I don’t  even care what I’m writing I’m just writing what comes to me.

The  language is super casual.

They’re all placeholders, as they always are.

.

Stayed up till 3am

.

I’m now in the sheepish phase, feeling so ridiculous for my protest behavior towards A (cancelling on him) because he didn’t respond to my requests..

I’m so fucking  passive aggressive I don’t even know it.

I learned tonight that A needs requests with contexts.

“Can we talk?” is not sufficient. “Can we talk about X..” This  is what he has to school his investors as well..

Good to know.

We’re learning how to communicate to each other.

.

Let’s try an experiment, A says earlier in our convo, anytime you want to reach out, just do it, call me, and see what happens..

.

Monday, Sept 30, 2019 10:36pm

NYC

 

Dear  U,

What  a journey int he past 24 hours. I mucked through all the emotions of seeing myself more clearly on the way to  SFO and flight to JFK.

.

I realized something when I was packing. A doesn’t have an ego.

That’s what’s going on..

.

Do you think you idolize A? P2 asks, as he drives me and Cutie halfway to the airport.

I do, I said, and I oscillate between idolizing and villianizing him, all dependent on how I feel

.

I pulled out two new notebooks today. One was a Kakimori custom made notebook P got for me in Tokyo, that’s my new journal notebook.

Another is the complementarty pair to my last notebook on  A, that I filled up yesterday. Funny how I finished my journal notebook and notebook on A at the same time.

 

New moon, new chapter, new notebooks.. one from P, one for A..

.

My luggage was exactly at the limit, 52 lbs.  That included the 3 lbs of limes and lemons I brought.

All during my flight, I wrote and wrote in my new notebook o n  A…

Excerpts:

This is what happens when you don’t communicate with the other, you have conversations with thm in your head,

you replace their voice with yours and the shit thing is you voice everything you fear.

.

A wasn’t pulling back when I was reaching out, I was..

I’m so skiddish

.

He didn’t think I  was needy, I thought I was, because I oftentimes think those who reach out are..

.

I was doing the same thing I did 15 years ago with A, except with  a more cunning spiritual ego,

I’m glad I moved beyond tagging profanity on his door.

.

People with lesser egos make the other (egocentric one) more aware of theirs. And since ego is fear. The egocentric is keenly aware of their fears.

.

He brings out the best and worst in me. the worst fears and delusions. To learn how to love him is to learn how to see all of myself, shadow side and all.

.

I went through my old notebook form when I was in Bali this morning  while I was packing.

I opened it up to a page that read:

Love exists in a relationship when one is constantly facing their fears..

hmm, I would add now, to face your fears, you have to be aware of them and express them.

.

A wasn’t playing games, I was.

And the one who doesn’t play the game always wins.

And the loser always gets hurt by themselves..

.

I thought I was letting go (in a spiritual way)

But I was actually just running away.

WTF, is this spiritual bypassing?

.

I wrote a ton more, but that’s all I’ll share for now.

.

The  only thing I remember from my dream is that the game is peeling the layers of the onion, each layer reveals more awareness and sensitivity..

.

I landed in my friend’s awesome pad, all settled in with a cup of lime water, writing to you..

I’m gonna work on pervette now. Technically, since I’m 3 hours ahead,  I still have time to hit my “deadline”

.

 

My work was interrupted by my call with mom. She’s  excited about these new threads and yarn she found. She says when I’m not busy, it’d be great if I can order them for her.

I realize it takes a lot for her to call me. We went a week and a half without talking. And the day I was gonna call her she called me and asked why I haven’t called   her in so long. This happens more often than I want. In a way, I’m like her, we wait and wait to see when the other reaches out first..

.

Then P facetimes me, from Seattle, funnily enough, we’re both staying at our respective friend’s swanky second home pads. His first day of pilot training was amazing. The instructor, of course, was blown away by his already deep knowledge of everything and how fast of a learner he was.

All that youtube studying he’s been doing has paid off.

You’re the fastest I know, I tell him. I feel like a proud mom when I talk to him these past couple of days, acknowledging his accelerated evolution. He’s always beaming around me.

.

After as I wait for the sheets to dry on the dryer (since I’m anal and washed the bedsheets the frist thing I did when I arrived)  I vacillate, should I text A to see if he’s free to chat, I have 20 pages of writing from my flight on the plane..

I guess I want him to know that I’m more aware now of myself than I was 24 hours ago.

I see on my Find Friends app that he’s still at Slanted Door, possibly a work dinner with investors. A long one.

I don’t want to bother him after a long work day..

.

I sat in the bed and somehow it came to me..

All this uncomfortableness, why it’s so hard to ask for something, like his time and attention.

This isn’t from 15 years ago when I felt rejected by him.

This is from when I little, age 1-7

And not having a dad or mom who was ever really there for me.

My needs weren’t important.

In fact, maybe I shouldn’t have them.

And so I constructed my whole life to not need..

And A, somehow, is probably the only person I’m intimately close with and look up to at the same time. He represents the father figure I never had.

And so it’s hard to ask for his time. And when he doesn’t respond, it reaffirms these old core beliefs that my needs are not important.

I tell myself that being needy is submissive and weak.

I have this strong sense of self that I’m not a needy person.

And so asking for something from my “dad” just feels absolutely wrong.

I feel it in my upper chest, it tightens every time..

.

I cried realizing this truth..

My tears always tells me what’s true.

.

Should I let A know what I just realized?

Or do I wait till tomorrow since I know he’s had a long day

 

 

I call. A.

He doesn’t pick up

He calls me back

I read to him my thoughts..

Aww..I  feel better..

.

Tuesday, Oct 1, 2019

 

Contractors arrived at the apt in the morning to patch up the wall in the laundry room.

I turn on my music in my room and masturbate, just had to.

 

When I was meditating, two men (contractors) came in to inspect the sprinklers..

.

I write to B, the rep at Merchant Focus, asking to chat over the phone. I want to know what pervette needs in order for it to be approved.

.

S comes over, and we catchup, his divorce and soon to be ex-wife is quite nasty.

We head to La Botaniste, it was on my mind, it hit the spot

After our late lunch we needed to find  a quiet spot for S to go over his slideshow to me (he’s helping me hone in on my “story” for pervette, the point of view he calls it.

We poke our heads in on Think cofffee. Wrong vibe.

I thought of this one shop I went in last time, it was a nicely curated clothing and journal shop with   a tea bar and garden in the back. What was it’s name?

I pulled out google maps to look for koku the pop up plant-based ice cream shop (that’s where mymind was)

and like magic

Google pulled up Hesperious

The name of the shop with the tea and garden I was thinking of so we went there..

Koku the ice cream pop up across the street is gone, I learned.

We went inside hesperious..

The more time we spent in there talking to the nice clerk/barrista,learning about its history, it all started with the quarterly journal… the more I realize this little spot is an oasis, and an exemplar of how I see Pervette expanding in the future.

I tell S what I had in mind for pervette..therea re all these parts, films, clothing, line, zines,

He  says that’s a lifestyle brand, essentially.

He didn’t know how I did it. But I found for us the perfect spot for us to talk about pervette. We were the only two in the garden out back with our perfectly steeped milky oolong tea, and me and my granola and yogurt..

I absorbed everything S showed me.

.

You’re moving really fast, he says, as I think about and flesh out the “problem” pervette is solving…

“True intimacy feels unreachable”

 

.

 

The Hesperious clerk stayed after 7, as we finished up our powwow..she was so nice..

.

i steered us int he direction of Springbone, a bone broth place, I got the golden milk poultry broth, mmm..

We brainstorm on how Pervette’s P.O.V…

 

.

What’s interesting is the more S tells me about his traumatizing 8 year marriage, I realize the problem pervette is trying to solve is his problem..

He’s been craving true intimacy ever since.. He’s never had it, ever since he was little. He’s not even sure what it is or feels like.

All he knows is that he feels alone, therefore he must’ve never experienced it..

.

All of his sharing thoughout our 10 hours together helped me see what he needed for his journey tomorrow..

.

We spend

I deliberately didn’t reach out to anyone in town, no one knows I’m here except for S. I want to carve these 3 days for him and for pervette.

it’s a perfect energetic exchange. He’s helping me develop Pervette’s P.O.V, so I can better explain wtf I’m doing. And I’m helping him experience true intimacy.

We’re both helping each other realize our fantasies.

.

I came back around 12:30am.

I send A an animoji,

little me asks if he’s free to chat.

He calls me.

I ask him if he wants to be my accountability buddy,

he says yes..

.

My brain and heart is getting rewired every time I reach out (because my default is to hold back) and he picks up, or calls me back

 

Wednesday, Oct 2, 2019

 

Dear U,

I woke up around 8:30.

I literally masturbated for 4-5 hours.

But all the while writing in my notebook on A.

A poem came flowing out of me..

I guess I kinda wrote a stream of consciousness letter to him

.

Sometihng is up, I can feel the electrons spinning in my body, there’s an airy lightness

Some..

….

 

(from what I can remember 2 weeks later)

.

S came over around 4..

We caught the train and walked a few blocks to Jajaja Plantas Mexicana in West Village,

it’s a plant-based mexican eatery that’s been on my list since the last time I was in town.

 

We were talking about Bali the day before and now the weather shfted today to Bali weather. Wet, warm, kinda grey and slightly drizzly..I love it.

.

The food at Jajaja was so yummy, it reminded me of my favorite eateries in Bali

we got the paleo caveman tacos, some kale salad bowl, and the cauliflower rice bowl.

.

We braved through the streets of Time Square to get to Whole Foods to load up on snacks for our heart opening night..

They have Urban Remedy Cacao bars in the  east coast now? Got 2 of those, raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, walnuts, cashews, 4 dark chocolate bars, avocado, bananas, tealight candles, rose water spray, vanilla essential oil, and some other things I can’t remember..oh right, palo santo..

We went back to S’s hotel, I set up the space. Candles lit, “night with molly” spotify playlist queued up, synced up my phone to the new speaker S got today for tonight (the speaker was called Mega Boom 3), and then we dosed around 8.

I started eating a ton of chocolate..

..

We shared our unique fantasies. The non sexual ones..

It was the first time I told someone ALL my fantasies around pervette and the future I wanted to create. It’s nothing short of changing the world..

S’s blind seem to be blown..

.

We talked about the sapoisexual porn we’re going to make..

readingandfucking

rilke rimjob

.

Everything was a question mark for S  during this in between time of him getting a divorce, where to live, what to do for a living, relationships, etc..

I asked him to share his fantasies last week, and so he had a google doc..

He wants a self-actualized muse slut for partner, to be in a poly relationship, have a japanese return to innocence girlfriend, have a community he feels like he can belong to, buy a plot of land somewhere and build a compound, make his unique shaped giant cock a porn star, and write a book, and have a drug assisted heart opening nighjt

.

All his fantasies were aligned with mine..

So I laid it all out for him..He’s going to live in CA, spend some time in Tokyo (sicne he feels it to  be his spiritual home), have a gf there, he’ll work for me and as soon as I make some money on pervette, he’ll be one of the first people I hire, I’m going to plug him into my network of friends, he’ll be in a poly relationship, we’re going to buy a plot of land somewhere north and build our compound and start our matriarchal commune..

 

I peed on him.

Whenever I’m on molly, I bond by peeing on my friends..

.

G was involved..

 

It was a pretty magical night..

It ended around 3:30

S didn’t want me to leave, but I really wanted to sleep in my own bed.

So I took off, walked in the drizzly night back to my place.

I was pretty buzzy..

didn’t fall asleep until sometime after 5am ..

 

Thursday, Oct 3, 2019

 

I didn’t wake up till 2:37pm.

Holy fuck..

.

I had S come over around 5. I heated us some bone broth..

It’s cold and wet and pretty nasty outside, S says.

.

We walked to Cookshop, stopped into 192 Books first..

I love the curation. I got a book of interviews of Marcel Duchamp

We had a very yummy hearty meal to replenish us..

Burrata, heirloom tomatoes, roasted chicken..

.

We parted on the corner of my street..

An hour after I got back, C, came home

It was nice to catch him finally. I kept missing him with my odd late hours..

.

It’s a ritual now, C puts on a show with a female protagonist he’s been into and we watch it together.

Tonight was Fleabag. I like the protagonist’s wardrobe, a lot.

Friday, Oct. 4, 2019

 

Spent most of the day staying in working on what I was going to say for my two sessions at the Breakup Bootcamp on Sunday.

I keep adding more unifying concepts to what I have. It feels like all the pieces that I’ve delivered is getting stitched together more cohesively..

I like how it always feels fresh and new to me. There’s a bit of anxious excitement in not having it all figured out just yet.

.

I left the pad around 4 and met with A9 at The Odeon. She’s a writer who reached out to me years ago after she read about me from Karley’s Vogue article. She was curious about being a domme.

There’s something about her, she has this prim proper style, she feels innocent or slightly restrained, but in a nice quiet 16th century kinda way.

It was strange how I had no desire to reach out to any of my friends, but I had the intuition to meet with her..

.

I went strait from The Odeon to the Takroom, which is where i made reservations for me and C at 6:15.

.

The first Thomas Keller restsurant C took me to was Per Se. He flew me out for our epic meal. That was almost a decade ago.

Takroom was Thomas Keller’s newest restaurant in Hudson Yards. It felt like a full circle kinda thing.

The food was very good. I ordered for us. The  server thought we might’ve over ordered, I said why not..I over ate..

And the daquiri and Sancerre, whoa, I felt wobbly, but we made it home.

C put on Goliath.

I fell asleep halfway through the show.

We say goodnight..

.

I text A, he calls me, we chat for a minute before his neighbors arrives for a wine tasting night.

I like how good he’s been really on it on calling me soon after he receives my text asking to chat..

.

I went to bed at some point

Saturday, Oct  5, 2019

Manhattan, Jersey, Hudson

 

Packed for Hudson, took an black uber to Jersey to meet A4, the new tantra teacher for Breakup Bootcamp this weekend.

A2 connected us since we were coming up on the same day, suggesting we share a ride or take the train up together.

A4 and I were both not feeling train, I’m glad she took the initiative in getting us a rental car via some new car renting app.

The total for the car rental for 2 days was $72, split two ways, it was $36 each.

My uber ride from manhattan to jersey to pick up the car was $86.

 

I met A4 in the parking lot of Costco, which was was the pickup point for the car, which happen to be a very crappy red Chevy Sonic. it was pretty broken in. And maybe something in it was broken. It made a very clunky sound. Hmm We wonder if we were gonna make it.

 

A4 drove and we talked and got to know each other, and I got to know more about tantra..

I like A4’s vibe a lot, super chill, intuitive and awkward funny

.

We arrived at the property around 1pm. It’s my 5th time being there for the bootcamp, it almost feels like our 3rd home. E, our awesome french chef actually lives on the property. She plated us our lunch as soon as we arrived.

.

The property is 100 acres, with 3 houses. It can fit 20 participants easily..

.

I settled in as the women were in their sessions with the psychologist.

.

I caught up with A2, and spent most of the evening in the room prepping for my sessions tomorrow..

New codes came to me..

.

I was outside by the lake (on the property) during the gloaming, omne of the participants came up to me, an older woman, we started chatting, she was commenting on the hydrangeas, how they look diff than the ones she’s used to in Socal..

I’m from Socal, I said..

It turns out we went to the same high school. She graduated 30 years before me. Class of 1970.

What a weird coincidence.

.

 

The women always come up to me on Saturday, and tell me they look forward to my sessions because they have no idea what to expect..

 

.

Oh, BBC is here filiming.

Sunday, Oct 6, 2019

Hudson, NY

 

I did it. My sessions..

They went really well.

The women cried, laughed, were moved, got activated and were totally engaged..

Some even volunteered (3) to be put in bondage, topped by me and flogged..

My material is getting tighter and my delivery is getting more powerful.

It always happens,

After my sessions, about half of the women come up and and want to chat..

A lot of them want to become a dominatrix..

.

They loved you, A2 said, you totally killed it.

.

I had 3 one on one consultations., where I listened, reflected what I observed, showing them their blindspots and then I become their disciplinatrix and tell them what to do..

.

A2 says she likes ending with a bang, that’s why she saves my sessions for last.

.

I get such a charge being the educatrix. I can see how my words are landing, shifting the way the women see themselves, and empowering them to make the more interesting choices..

Monday, Oct 7, 2019

 

Last day of Breakup Bootcamp..

.

A4 was gonna take off early and ride back solo while I ride back with A2

but the little Sonic that could died..

.

I guess this means you’re riding home with us, I said to A4 with a smile.

I think you manifested that, she said, with a smile

Maybe..

.

Me, A2, A4, and K, all rode home..

I sat next to A4 in the back seat, and we had more time to connect..

I told them how I parked spriritualgangbang.com and my plans for it..

They loved it and thought it was crazy..

.

Everything ends with a giant orgy with you, A2 says, I feel like we’re all just a part of your manifestation to be in your porn.

Uh, maybe..

.

No plans..One thing leads to another…

And A3 and I end up getting burgers and $40 massages at a spa she  likes called Renew (coincidence that we just came from Renew Breakup Bootcamp)

We walked around Washington Square park in the dark, she tells me her story, of the year of unraveling…

What? The spa is right across from Good for Study.

I get 6 notebooks, and 5 pens.

.

A2 came out of her massage after us and joins us,  A3 takes off.

It’s a ritual now, A2 takes me out ot Momoya to celebrate another successful weekend.

We get our usual, the crab roll and shu mai.

.

I’m very pleased with our friendship, A2 says, quickly realizing how weird that sounds.

But I get it..

We do have a great thing going..

After Momoya we walk to her place, and I come inside for the magic crack cake chef E made just for A2, and some Koku ice cream..

.

Tuesday, Oct 8, 2019

Intuition Day…

Nutrafol meeting

Last minute meeitng with C3 for “joy” elixirs at the Assemblage, the bootcamp participant who wants to be a domme. She shsares with me her fantasy helping men tap into the their feminine, she loves organizing large sex parties.

Our visions are aligned. Let’s work together.

Energetic exchange..

.

Meeting with G at Ludlow House

It’s a day of going to these members only fancy places..

.

We  catch up and plot our surprise sexy fun night forhis wife tomorrow. The  last itme I was in NY and with them I helped organize her gangbang. It was super fun..

.

Dinner with A2 and P4, A2’s new beau, at Ruby’s Cafe on Mulberry. First time meeting P4, I like him, muppety, quirky and smart, and spiritual. And into snacks. We want back to his place and he whipped us some mushroom cocoa lattes and koku ice cream.

koku ice cream, 2 nights in a row 🙂

After I took off, I saw that the mcnally book store was still open, I went in and got a writing book centered around Intimacy..

.

Wednesday, Oct 9, 2019

 

A4 said yes to my las tminute invite to joinme at the rubin museum, which she recommended to me a few days ago, we arrived jus tin time to drop in for a meditation led by sharom salzberg. We were lucky, they had a few extra seats..

Oh I love this museum..

I got 4 Ganesh statues and gave one to her..

.

Met with A2 at Caravon of Dreams

Whoa. Jing Tonic Latte..

Chatted

.

Then MG arrived. We went for a walk and caught up..

.

I got back to my place to get ready.

.

P calls as I’m checking into the hotel corner suite at Hotel on Rivington.

Oh  yeah, it’s a surprise for T, I tell him, I think I’m gonna fuck her and maybe G too.

Oh cool. Are you getting paid?

Yep.

That’s awesome.

.

T was told they were going to a really nice sushi place.

Surprise!

She was surprised…

.

There was some K involved.

And I did fuck them both.

.

I got out late, 1:45am.

.

On the way to the hotel, I was talking to L.

She met A the other night and like I thought, she Loved him with a capital L.

.

On the way back from the hotel, A was still up and we chatted.

He had fun with L. He thinks she’s pretty young and boy crazy..

We had a really good talk.. I wish I can remember the details…

 

Thursday,  Oct 10, 2019

 

Flew back to SFO.

Palindrome..I uver to the dungeon, where P2 picked me up and drove me home, he had avos and lemons for me..

The house has POWER!

(PGE power blackout thing)

.

Earlier in the day, P2 said there wasn’t any in the house when he was there watering the plants. I got lucky..

.

I told P how L was like WTF when A gave her his address and his street address number is the exact password she uses for everything.. say it was 1479

P said he used to live on 1479 California (made up that address)

What? That’s A’s address.. You used to live in the same building that A is living in?  That’s crazy…

.

Friday, Oct 11, 2019

 

Settling back in.

I feel this bittersweetness taking in this beautiful home, lit by the afternoon sun, it’s time, I can feel it, to say goodbye again..

P arrives..

He’s flying now.

I like how we’re both taking off in our own ways..

He’s in a very good place..

.

 

.

Dinner at Gather, like old times.

Saturday, Oct 12, 2019

 

Perfect day with P.

I love all his suggestions

Like doing yoga with him on this new yoga app he discovered

he asked for a good o fashioned sexworker bj. That’s new

I said I would gladly give him off..He enjoyed it.

It’s been a while since he got one form any girl./ The size of his cock precludes it since he can’t stand the feel of teeth on his cock.

There was no teeth this time. I did good.

Shall we catch hustlers? P asks.

.

Also I had the mist visionary insightful meditation, Iwnet strait to the posterboard to map out the future…of 2031 and 2042…

 

.

I got to show P my world, of the farmer’s market and 3 stone hearth..

.Iyasare had a slight fire when we were there getting lunch, can I get this miso soup in a to go cup? I ask as we evacuate..

.

Sunday, Oct 13, 2019

 

P and I get brunch at Belcampo,

Palindrome..

.

I’m so low energy..

I nap after I got back from dropping P off at JSX

.

S3 comes over, we went for a walk, we both shared our housing sitaution, he’s looking for roomies, I’m trying to figure out a way to keep this house, I make him dinner (stirfry) as he lays out my options..

I need a non-occuplying co lender who makes about 2M+ a year to take over the mortgage?

All of a sudden, my plan to try to keep the house feels untenable..

You can move in and live with me, S throws out there?

Hmmm…

 

 

 

Monday, Oct 14, 2019 2:39pm

Berkeley, CA

 

Dear U,

I know I know. It’s been a while. I’ve been in a non stop flow. Life has been unfolding in this really strange but very magical way. I don’t know how to catch you up, but I’ll try. I’m gonna fill in the rest of the days where I left off when I was in NY..

It’s difficult to recap, because my days all depend on these moment by moment choices I make and they’re all based on intuition and synchronicitous, so to describe any one event and do it justice, I would need to tell you how I chose to arrive there, which always  has a long backstory..

.

Anyways, these sunny days have been so beautiful, it hurts (in a good way). Today, it really feels like fall, the air is crisp, yet it’s still so bright. I feel some deja vu, like I’ve experienced this air 2 decades ago and every fall ever since.

.

It feels like the holidays are here. I’m getting the warm cozy christmasy vibes of when I was little and getting excited about the turn of the seasons..

I think this warm feeling has something to do about me diving into my Buddhist class readings on Letting Go..

And here I am, doing just that in this house I’m in love with.

.

Maybe that’s the story of my life, learning how to love and let go at the same time..

.

I’m also feeling that feeling again. The beautiful sadness of impermanence feeling. I have to say goodbye (again) to this incredible home I’ve created..

But the feeling this time is different. I don’t feel attached, I feel ready to let go, and I’m excited for the next chapter. To think this time yesterday, I wasn’t there yet.

It took one night, one friend, one conversation, one crazy idea, to turn everything around..

.

I can’t get over how perfect/funny it is that I’m reading about letting go..

.

 

There are 2 sides to letting go:

Letting go “of something”

Letting go “into something” (more beneficial and valuable)

.

I’m letting go into ease and excitement for this next chapter.

In some strange way, my poly relationship is opening with S3.

We’re very quickly developing an emotional relationship  and work partnership.

I mean we’re going to live together, for christsakes.  That’s pretty rapid.

But in a way, this is the only way Pervette can really take off and thrive, with the support of the divine masculine..

..

Had a really good talk with P.

He was relieved that I found a housing solution. He said he had a lot of anxiety about it. He didn’t want to be the bad guy who’s giving me a deadline to move, but he kinda had to be.

.

I told him that this poly relationship is expanding as I do a partnership is happening with me and S3.

P says he sees it too, and is open to it all.

.

He knows how it goes, if you want to be in my life, you gotta have a project with me..

.

 

EARTHQAUKE!!

Around 10:33pm

FUck. I need to have my pants nearby. I see the downside of being in my underear around the house. SLows evacuation down.

.

I put all my hard drives in my vintage white attache that holds my old family photos and my old hello kitty diary from when I was 9.

 

Tuesday, Oct 15, 2019 8:26pm

 

Dear U,

Ever since I was in class today covering the topic of letting go and the path towards liberation, I’ve been in a slow meditative head space.

.

During our break, I chatted with K, my former graduate advisor who’s in this class with me. She says I have to go to Gil’s 2 week vipassana next year. She just got back from it, it’s incredible, she says.

I’m in.

She suggests I do the chaplaincy program with Gil next Fall.

You spend 100 hours volunteering somewhere.

She said there’s something call NODA, No One Dies Alone and I can spend my 100 hours with people who are dying and would’ve died alone if there weren’t a chaplain there.

I got the chills.

I’m in.

I like how K is really my life advisor.

She says we’re so lucky to have this much access to Gil.

I agree.

He’s our teacher..

.

Class was incredible. We have 2 brilliant teachers covering the nuances and mechanics of the path to liberation.

.

Gil shared with us his radical revision of the 4 Noble Truths..

.

There’s a lot going on in my interior world.

.

I’m struck by how quickly the arising and passing of feelings happen..

Friday-Sun afternoon, I was sad to say goodbye, let go of this sanctuary I created.

Sun night, I’m excited to let go into the next chapter, in Mill Valley with S3, and us working on Pervette together..

I realize I can’t do this alone. And this is the way…

 

.

The sky is gray, the air is crisp. Fall is definitely here..

Everything is changing..

Pretty rapidly.

.

Meanwhile my earthquakes are happening.

.

I just Amazoned and Emergency Earthquake backpack. It’s arriving on Friday. I’m not sure if that’s soon enogh..

.

Since I got back from NY, I was feeling blah in my body, I ate way too much sugar and wasn’t really that active. And when I eat, I eat a ton.

I’ve also been eating out of mind hunger rather than body hunger.

I’m glad I went to Bar Method yesterday and today.

.

Need to get back into my disciplined routine..

.

Oh, I’m going back in my journal and slowly filling in my NY days..

Wednesday, Oct 16, 2019

 

Very packed non stop day.

1 hour meditation

Quickly made maca bars for me and A tonight, added 20 different things into there, including maca, damiana, mucuna pruriens, resihi, goji berries, walnuts, bee pollen , roses..

And since I had everything out, I made myself an everything chocolate protein hot drink..

.

I had a session with E. He was there waiting for me when I got to the D, 5 minutes after our session started. The last time we saw each other was in NY.

We caught up as I got ready.

I love how I can be so casual and informal (or unprofessional) with my regulars. My regulars = friends who play

.

I felt incredibly present and in the best mood ever. Must be all the crazy stuff I put in my hot protein drink. Kratom, maca?

.

3 stone hearth to pick up the soups and beef skillet

home to make a little stirfry late lunch  (at 5pm)

prepped the ingreds for dinner I’m making at A’s,

zoomed over to F’s house for the first meditation group gathering, I stayed for the sit and go around the circle introducing ourselves and what we hope to get out of this group

zoomed off to A’s in the city

i made us dinner in 15 minutes.. we ate, caught up

.

i feel incredibly present, not self-conscious and more quick than usual around A

.

He said he learned from one of his CEo friends this business coaching tactic..

Where one person gives to another

some feedback that they think would hurt them the most

And the receiver has to voice it to make sure they got it in the way it was intended to to be received.

I told A I want  us to do that..

.

So we did…

A’s critique of me wasn’t very hurtful

He thinks that my thoughts on our relationship/and how close Iget with him is depedned on what’s going on with me and P.

I tell him that I can see how he would think that..

.

My critique to A was a little more punchy.

I told him that his sense of integrity can be further developed if he was more honest and truthful in his relationships with his gf.

In particular, he has never been able to talk about me and our relationship to any of his gf

We can say I’m in his life in  a way that makes him a dishonest person

Or the flipside is that I exist in his life to make him a more honest person.

 

.

I encouraged him to try something radically new, which is to be honest with his current gf.

I wished for him to be with someone who can hold all of his truth..

.

He listened and said he will, he’s concerned about hurting her feelings, and how different the latin culture is, all justifications really..

..

We didn’t have sex, I didn’t care, we connected intellectually and emotionally. I got off on that..

I left around 11:11..

.

P had sent me a ton of pics from his day of flying.. He look so happy..

I bet he can tell when I don’t get back to him promptly it means I’m with A..

.

I stayed up till 3 writing about A, I continue our conversations in my head and in my notebook about him..

.

Thursday, Oct 17, 2019  8:40pm

 

Dear U,

The weather was perfectly sunny today.

I made another hot protein drink with everything in it, and drank it on my way to a session with a reg at a new dungeon, since my dungeon was occupied by a renter.

It was fun checking out a new space and all their interesting equipment..

.

The escort who was going t o be our sub had to cancel her trip since her resutls came in and she was positive for chlamydia.

My sub called in E, another escort we’ve played with, she was able to make it last minute. I don’t think she realized what she got herself into.

In crazy bondage predicaments where she was spread and with a cock mounted inside her, to really pin her down, it was pretty hot, mostly because it was pretty humiliating..

I can’t believe I get paid more than her to tie her down, as her mouth was used, candle wax dripped on her breasts and thighs and pussy, pussy flogged, and nipples clamped..

We bound her to this bench on wheels and rolled her around. I mean she was thoroughly used and such  a good sport about it. I tried to be thoughtful as much as I could all the while torturing her.

It w as funn..

.

I got my blood drawn, looking forward to seeing what my naturoapth says.

Got my oil changed

Went to the bank and paid down my credit card. Getting close to 0…

.

Went to farmer’s market, got some halibut and carrots, I decided to step into Books Inc as it was right where the market was..

I got 8 books..

This is is what happens when I make money..

I can’t stop buying books..I just can’t. The joy they bring me..

.

On my way home, J the contractor called to tell me the cost of getting the new upper deck replaced, 30K.

Okay, that’s a lot, but let’s go ahead and do it, I say.

 

.

WHen  I got home, my sister called and asked if dad had talked to me about him thinking about filing bankruptcy since he’s got 18K in credit card debt.

How did they rack that much debt?

I thought it was all paid off when I bought the vietnam land from/for him so he can pay off his debt?

He is a crazy shopaholic and buys 5 of the same thing..

(I’m sure this is where  I get my book binge buying  addiction from, at least I buy books and not 20 tasseled brown leather loafers that all look the same)

She said he said he talked to me and I said I was going to to help him with his debt. I said I didn’t hear a thing about this..

She doesn’t like how he tries to “manipulate” each of us to help him out by comparing what each of us is doing for him..

.

I call my mom back, she  said today is Quanyin Day, don’t eat meat.  I’m glad she told me before I was about to cook up the halibut.

She’s been depressed these past few days. Her teeth are falling apart. And the work she got done on them last year are also not holding up. And at this point of decay, it might be too late to get implants..

She can’t tell if this new dentist she’s seeing is trying to milk her money and if there were other options available

I felt for her…

I told her to get the xray from her dentist and we’ll have my sister’s friend, who’s a really good dental implants specialist to take a look at them to get a second opinion, and if necessary we can have them do the implants for her. I’ll fly her up here, and take her to Santa Rosa, where he’s at, and if need be, we’ll get all her work done up here, and I’ll take care of her. I can tell she was perking up since I was being very proactive and offering some sound suggestions..

Somehow she shifted and started talking about these tiramisu’s she’s eating, they’re on sale at Costco righ tnow, it’s a deal, they come in these individual cute glass jars that she’s keeping to reuse. They make great little teacups. All her friends are obsessed with it too. I’m glads she perked up..

.

IShe asked about me and p and hwo we’re doing, she’s concerned bc she’s hearing form my sister our talk about selling the house soon.

.

I told her I came around since we last spoke on Sunday afternoon. I’m ready to let go of this house. I’m gonna move into my friend’s place.

Who’s this friend? she asks..

I  fill her in the best I could.

.

We talked for 44 min.

I’m so glad I talked to her. I want to be there for her esp when she’s down..

.

I eat my stirfry. and some maca bars, and some slithered almonds..

I’ve been eating a ton..

.

I want to read all my books..

My jhana e-course I just signed up for starts tomorrow.

On a whim, I decided to sign up for this course rec by my best friend who’s been meditating in burma since the beginning of the year..

It’s a course to help deepend my meditation practice, into the jhanas.

The jhanas are the different deepening stages of meditation, it’s so deep you can recall your past lives..

.

This morning my pen couldn’t stop writing about A, all the ‘hurtful but helpful’ feedback I want to give him

.

This afternoon I crossed off so much off my to do list. I had  so much  energy

.

Now I’m slowing down.. I want to read all my new books.. So far I must’ve got 14 books in one week..

..

I gotta work on Pervette…

Jesus Christ…

There’s so much to do.

 

Friday, Oct 18, 2019

 

Saturday, Oct 19, 2019

 

Dear U,

It’s a gray fall day. I’m here on the biomat, next to the open glass door, letting the breeze cool the top of me as I’ve been masturbating for the past half hour, reading Amy Weiss’s Crescendo.

.

The book is about loss.

.

I feel it too.

I woke up this morning at 9.  I had slept in. To make up for the 4 hours of sleep I had the night before.  I had the most vivid dream that I can’t seem to remember.

I woke up thinking about S3’s house. Taking it in, what I had seen and felt yesterday when I was there. Every flawed feng shui element and thinking it though. Holy fuckcan I do it?

Can I really live there? Can I make it home?

.

I feel my chest tightening and maybe tears about to well in my eyes as I wrote that line above

.

How do I say goodbye to this perfect dream of a house?

Seeing S3’s place last night makes me appreciate this home even more. How spacious each room is, glass walls and doors to bring in the light and green foliage from outside.

 

Can I go from all this santurary to a hansel and gretel house with little nooks?

Can I go without a walk in closet?

Can I go without a large vanity to hold all my toiletries?

But really can I be in a home that I can call my own and have all to myself?

I have to see this as a stop gap, an inbetween space. The only way I can get pervette off the ground is with S3’s help. I have to see my time with in our home (as he’s already calling it) as pervette time. Time to pro/co-create..

.

I will have the Seattle house as the getaway house. and then there’s the Santa Monica pad as well..

I mean, I can’t really complain, my 3 homes in the next chapter are pretty amazing by typical standards: the mill valley house is on a hill with an epic view of the sunrise, the seattle house is right on the water, and the santa monica pad is ocean front with an epic view of the sunset. I mean, fuck, I’m so lucky.

.

But this home, is so special, it’s so unique, it’s so perfect. Oh fuck, I’m getting attached.

Thank god I’m going on retreat tomorrow, bringing all my class reading on letting go and the jahnas (even though I’m not supposed to be reading)

Holy fuck…

Is this happening?

.

I work through in my mind how I can make S3’s home my own.

I need a bathroom sink with cabinets. That’s key…

..

 

2:02pm

 

It’s gray. It’s calm. Birds are chirping. When I read, I feel inspired to write..

I’m not that sad. I’m open. I’m aware that rapid change is about to happen.

And yes, I love this spot, I love this home, I love this moment. I love it all.

I will always love every moment. That’s what I do.

I will give my love to every new home I’m in. I will make it feel like home.

I will always find a way…

 

.

Yes there’s the tender goodbye to this home, but there’s also the sweet hello to my new home, what will you bring?

.

If I frame everything that’s coming in the service of pervette, I can accept it all, even the most painful goodbyes..

 

But  then again I’ve been practicing saying goodbye to his house every year, in the 5 years I’ve been here..

At first it was a threat, and now it’s just a matter of fact plan, the talk of selling it was always lingering the air.

And so how will I feel when we have no house left to talk about selling?

 

.

I have to say, it

 

7:23pm

 

Dear U,

I can barely describe this feeling.

Maybe it’s sadness.

Maybe it’s knowing that this home right now feels so perfect, and everything after it will never be quite like it.

.

P2 came over at 4 with Cutie. He had picke dup her up yesterday morning when I was at the Bioneers conference.

He said he had the most profound, next to 5meo experience last night with Cutie as he was holding her and telling her how much he loved her.

I can’t remember how he described the actual experience. Whiteness, lightness? A message came through to him very clearly.

All the anger you feel is really just sadness..

.

For him it was profound, and it helped him make sense of what was a very difficult week.

.

I was moved by his experience with Cutie and what he called was a gift from her to him..

I asked him what happened? Why was this week difficult?

He said it was about us, actually. How he feels like our friendship is fading. It wasn’t like how it used to be, when we went for walks in the woods and caught more movies together. It’s getting difficult for him to read my journal. I describe him as “anxious” while S3 is the “divine masculine.”  And now he’s just taken on the role of someone doing the chores..

I listened, understood, and tried to stay open and receptive, even though I know how defensive I get when I hear him say things like that.

Because maybe I always feel like I’m trying my best to juggle all of life, everyone and everything..and fuck there’s just not enough of me or time to go around

I told him I get it. We did spend more time..I’m not sure what the next few words I said were…

.

Our freidnship really developing in this home and things are changing. Like I’m saying goodbye to this house, it’s happening..by end of February, this house will be cleared..

I started to break down..

Everything is changing..

I told him I felt about him and us..

I cried. We hugged..

.

As he took pictures of Cutie around the house I cooke dus some halibut and roasted carrots..

.

Over dinner I showed him the house that P wants to buy.

This thing? It’s so ugly, and boxy, and there’s no character to it, it’s just a square mcmansion, P2 says, sorry maybe I’m being bitchy..

I liked hearing him “be bitchy” and say all that. I felt the same way too. It’s strange how the house P wants looks like the kind of house we said we wouldn’t get when we first started looking for a house 5 years ago, generic and cookie cutter.

.

9:39pm

 

After P2 left, I started journaling here, then A called me, since I texted earlier lettinghim know I’m going into retreat tomorrow..

I told him where I was at, all the emotions are coming up about leaving this house.

.

And I told him that I don’t think my feelings about him are influenced by my relationship with P, which is what he said the other night.. I explained what I meant..

We talked for a while..like 40 minutes, then he boarded his plane..

.

S2 called right after I hung up with A.

.

It’s been a day of talking to a lot of people.

.

A4 this morning. I steered her form Kawaai to Mill Valley

Then S3..I laid out the game plan,  first step, purge things

Then P, we talked about  next chapter housing. And we decided it’s  a good idea to keep the Santa Monica pad in 2020.

I was emotional when he called, but tried to downplay it as I know how he has limited empathy for me and my attachment to this house.

I tell him that I’m trying to get on the same page with him so we can work as a team through this transition. He’s happy to hear that..

I just know that there can’t be any friction or resistance in selling this house, it would be at a cost to our relationship..

Maybe I’m not fully expressing myself with him. Reason being is that he just  doesn’t get it. He has no attachment to homes and things. And I would just feel judged for being too clingy..

Don’t worry Mupps, I got your back, P says.

We talked about Bali, how we gotta book our flights soon.

.

Oh I also talked to my dad. He asked if I sent the check out to him yet.

Oh shoot I forgot, I will today.

He did talk about his credit card woes..but he didn’t direcrtly ask for help with it like he did with my sister.

Didn’t we pay it off when I bought the Vietnam land from you  and gave you that money to pay it off.

He said it only paid it off to 8k, now it’s up to 18K.

Having some experience with credit card debt in the past year or two, I can see how that happens with a 17% APR and all that stuff..

And he did buy a few things here and there.

He says it’s scary, this debt..

he asks me to go buy a lotto ticket today, and hopefully we’ll win so I can help him out.

I can feel his anxiety..

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Funny how we’re both hoping for a miracle.

 

 

I’m drained.. I should clean up this house, my mupp stuff is everywhere. I should pack for my retreat tomorrow. I should book my flight for Bali.

I should do a ton of things, but I have no energy.

Is this no energy or just energy to do nothing but meditate?

I’m so looking forward to doing nothing but sitting with myself and these emotions..and hopefully seeing them pass.

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Back to my previous week