Themes: pedagogy, energetic exchange, heightened telepathy, getting the 4th pillar of a good day: Pervetting, in flow, pushing the launch forward,

 

Sunday, Sep 8, 2019

 

Woke up at 7, meditated remotely with the guru, masturbated, morning pages, and wrote out the text for my page 4’s.. another day of getting 3 hours of writing in.

I meditated again. Which got me into an even more meditative state.

I walked over to the new Santa Monica Proper Hotel and met with M at Palma, the restaurant inside. I like the lighting and decor there…

 

 

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At the end, M said whenever I have something for her, she’d be happy to help me produce it. S, her fiance, has been telling her how he wants to make a film with me..

We checked out the rooftop, nice pool and vibes..

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Walking back to the pad, I had the vision of who I wanted to play me in my film, L, this would also be a great reason to reach out to her..

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Packed up, got an uber to the OC..

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Mom was tidying up the house and R was hosing down the backyard. They were getting the house ready for her high school friends visiting this week…

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I got a chance to slip outside and take a walk in the orange red sky gloaming..

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Monday, September 9, 2019

 

I woke up at 6:30am and mediated remotely with the whatsapp meditation group sans guru.

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Then I wrote in my morning pages

Chatted with S. We found an exchange that worked for us. Me as his Shamanatrix and him as my business model advisor for pervette. It was so fluid how the conversation unfolded.

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Sex Magick Ritual..ahhh..

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I built out the frame of the page 4 pages on pervette.

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Everything continued to flow and I was collecting my mom’s and stepdad’s oral history..

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Perfect how my stepdad stuck around a day later (he usually goes back up to Lancaster Sunday evening and stays there during the week) since he had to take the Mercedes in for its 60K checkup.

And the way one came in and out of family room and the other stayed on the sectional with me and chatted, I had a chance to get some one on one time with each and together..

I learned so much. Their stories are so incredible..

(I’ll fill this space in with said incredible stories later)

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Mom had a mooncake for me, she cut me a piece with a giant duck egg yolk in it. It was so yummy.

I remember two years ago on the night of the Moon festival, I was at home outside with moon eating a mooncake under the full moon asking my mom for the first time to tell me about her childhood.

And here we are again, this time she’s expanding on the story, which just gets more and more dramatic and crazy..

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I had to quickly pack and got an uber to jetsuitex near John Wayne airport. I was at home for about 24 hours and it was so fruitful. Literally as well, since I was eating fruits non stop when I was home. The jujubes from out garden were so ripe and yummy.

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I finished all my reading for class tomorrow while on the way to the airport and waiting for takeoff.

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On the plane near landing, I had a vision of the film I was going to make, it will set in the past, present and future..I got glimpses of each part..

I saw myself bringing in friends of my sister and her ex who were Vietnamese filmmakers..the film will be dedicated to S, my sister’s ex, a great indie Vietnamese filmmaker who died 2 years ago. He had a heart attack while he was editing his film.

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P2 picked me up, we chatted about my film project, William Gibson’s Neuromancer, Randy Rainbow among other things..I let him have Cutie for the night..

He dropped me off. As he handed my some avocados and lemons, I handed him Cutie.

P was home, he flew in 2 hours before me. He was very happy to see me. We were in a very muppety mood, I was in fine muppet form. Everything i said and did would crack him up.

I told him about my predatorial night making out with this one gal I met at Tahoe..

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He showed me how to create a spreadsheet on google doc as I needed to create my contast list of 100 peeps to reach out to when I launch Pervette.

 

He showed me the Instagram profile of the Seeking Arrangement girl he met last weekend. I told him I’m getting good vibes from her. Myybe we can spitroast her..

P called me dudette. I like that as a nickname.

I do feel like a lil dude when I;m around him..

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P goes to bed, I went upstairs and now I’m writing to you..

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I feel so present and in flow. This whole past week has been incredible.

And this past weekend. It was the most fluid weekend ever. Meeting new awesome Asian American peeps everyday and all the while giving myself a ton of space an alone time. I didn’t pack my days with friends, it was spacious and intentional.

And every new connection I made was so fruitful.

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Themes of the weekend: storytelling, Viet/Azn American pride, balance between solitude and social, fruitful, full of fruits (blackberries, figs, jujubes, yellow kiwis), putting in the pervette hours, energetic exchange, feeling so lucky, in unconditional with my partner and lover, 6:30am meditations, spontaneous meditations, feeling mindfully present and focused, seeing how all the dots are connecting, intuition heightened

Life feels incredibly amazing, even more so right now.

 

Tuesday, Sept 10, 2019 12:54pm

 

Dear U,

I was quiet in class today. On et he ride home, I felt something in my chest it made me want to moan and chant it out..

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I’m thinking about A. And the conversation I had with P this morrning on our drive down the hill. us reflecting on how our relationship works (so well). It’s our commitment to our values: freedom and growth. And to not building resentment in the relationship.

P said he knows that he’ll always be okay. Even if the worst case scenario played out, that I found someone else and wanted to be with them monogamously, he would be okay, and happy for me, and that’s the worst case, which isn’t that bad.

I felt the same way..

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Another green light…

For me to pursue this relationship with A.

In the past, I’ve held myself back from fully loving him in protecting myself and my relationship with P.

And now I finally feel ready to express my love without fear.

To work on myself through him..

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I have no idea what the future holds but  I just want to play this out.. so I don’t have to wonder what would it be like to be in relationship with  A. I’m just going to have that relationship, where I’m all in.

 

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I’m in awe of my relationship with P. It’s so incredible..that it allows us to be how we want to be…

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I have to switch gears now. Since I have a call with Z, my business coach in less than an hour..

8:47pm

 

Dear  U,

 

I feel strange again, like meditative trance strange. Like I don’t need to eat (but I am) and if I want I can harness some superpowers or channel something through deeper meditations..

 

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My meeting with Z was fruitful. We’re bumping up the launch date to Nov 24th. so that I can give myself time to “enroll” people. I did feel some resistance to launching sooner, stemming from my attachment to launching in the year 2020. But it’s prolly also the fears/doubts that come from getting close to the boundary between visionary and physical reality..

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After my call with Z, I went to my Barre class, then got some produce at Monterey Market.

P returned Cutie a little after 6.

I went for a jog. I pushed myself to jog non stop all the way up to the bench without stopping. I made it..

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I meditated for 20 minutes. I feel the spirit coming over me. I said a prayer to Guanyin at the altar.

I pulled a card form the tarot deck.

The Forest Lovers..

I used another token to get my expanded horoscope from Rob Brezsny..

he’s affirming my intuition for an energetic exchange with those who are seeking my help as healer.

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Okay, now time to get to work…

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M, my friend in Berlin, just texted to say he checked himself into a mental hospital. I’m going to call him tomorrow, to help him get through this.

 

Wednesday, Sept 11, 2019 10:44am

 

Dear  U,

I slept in till 8 this morning. I felt a little aimless. I think there’s something to waking up in the early hours. I remember Z mentioning the the kriya hours being 4-6 in the morning and afternoon..

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When in doubt, meditate.

Then masturbate.

It’s a combination of slowing down and then revving up. It’s a perfect balance.

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Okay, later start on Pervette. I’m excited that I have the whole day today and tomorrow to pervette. I’m gonna work on the intake google doc S created for pervette, and then I’ll map out my pervette  timeline and send that to Z. I’m so grateful for all this support that’s showing up.

 

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What’s on my mind these days?

Pervette and cultivating the disciplined practice of creating content for it.

My relationship with A, and the start of something new since our declaration in Tahoe.

My relationship with P, and how it keeps on evolving.

Everything is evolving, including me, it’s like a mystery love story.

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In other news, my hair is looking full, shiny and pretty great. I guess all the protein I’m eating is helping..

I should list here what I’m eating daily. I’ve been writing it all out on a weekly paper log, and so I feel less compelled to record it here. But I should. Because I think I’m finally striking some balance in my diet..

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Cutie is looking so cure right now, it’s insane.

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I unpacked my weekender bag, I brought home 5 books from P’s place and some cumin and oregano from his spice drawer since he had two of each and didn’t seem like he was using any of it. I also grabbed the Bragg’s 24 spices that I got for my mom’s house since I ran out here.

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I wanted to text A last night to see if he wanted to get together this weekend or next week to go over our list of needs/desires in relationship with each other (it was an idea I had in Tahoe, for us to make a list of what we need or desire in a relationship and see if we can fulfill them for each other). But I didn’t. It was too soon. I wanted to wait until tonight at 11:11pm. The act of waiting to send makes me think of him.  I wonder if I should act when I feel like it. Or should I act on what I think is the right time? It’s hard to say..

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Instead of texting him, I went back on out text thread. And noted the long gaps in between us seeing each other. In 2018 there was an 8 month gap, this year a 6 month gap. He was the one who reached out to connect again.

I do have this out of sight out of mind tendency, even with him. But then again, those were my years of solitude, monk moding and thinking this is the way..

I learned 15 years ago to how to let go of him. I remember that moment so vividly. I was holding my nokia phone to text him and then I dropped it. No more trying, no more fantasizing what would it be like if we were lovers.. If he had wanted to he would’ve tried, he must think I’m not that awesome. I wanted his conception of me to fade away.

I did have this thought. Maybe in 10 years. That’s how long it might take for him to come around and see me in a different light.

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And sure enough 10 years later, A and I reconnected, after I started dating P..

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Anyways, that’s what I was thinking last night when I was thinking about not texting A.

I know why I sometimes don’t reach out to A when I want to. Because I had in the past (15 years ago) and there was this one time, when I asked what he was doing that Friday and he was busy.

Jesus. My ego was so delicate and fragile back then.

I’m glad I have this chance to work on myself through him now, now that I’m more confident in myself and our relationship.

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I go between wanting to write about my requited love story with A and working on Pervette.

 

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I stepped outside. The hydrangeas are finally blooming.

Wait. It’s been a while since I had my period.

Am I pregnant?

Checked my period app, it’s been  45 days since my last moon cycle.

There’s no way.

Fuck. I think I have a pregnancy test in the downstairs bathroom.

Brb.

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Okay, not pregnant.

Phew!

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Okay, gonna work on my pushing out my first baby..

9:04pm

 

Dear U,

It was a perfect day.

I spent a good 3-4 hours working on the pervette intake doc S created. It covered the scope of the project: goals, target audiences, products, marketing. It’s so nice when someone provides a structure for me to work with. I do really well in these contexts. This is akin to A2 creating a google doc of the outline and structure for the DOmme Bootcamp and from there I was able to run with it.

Airy visionaries like me need to work with someone grounded and loves to google doc..

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I was craving kale salad, might be inspired by my kales salads I get at Erewhon in LA this past weekend. So I made my first kale salad and it was quite yummy. I’m branching out of the one hearty salad I know how to make.

Then I went to yoga. And it was amazing. I just love teachers with good “pedagogy”

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I love how I have a ritual. After yoga on Wednesdays, I head to 3 Stone Hearth to pick up my proteins (bone broth, prepared meats, tuna, pate, soup, etc) that I placed an order for nights before. It’s super conveniently close to my yoga studio. And on Thursdays, after my Bar class, I can walk over to the organic farmer’s market and pick up my produce. I feel so lucky that I live in Berkeley and there’s access to organic high quality food and I can move effortlessly from being active/playing to picking up yummy food.

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I bumped into my classmate, F, who sat next to me yesterday at 3 Stone Hearth.

“You’re a true Berkeleyan” he says.

“I like how we bump into each other from one nourishing place to another.”

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When I got home, I decided to go for a jog. I jogged all the way up to the bench. It was easier today than yesterday. Then I continued jogging to my tree, and then back. And then a little loop to catch the magic hour sunlight. This was the most jogging I’ve done ever. And it felt so good.

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When I stay in my yoga clothes I feel the desire to keep on playing. I watched a few videos I recorded from my aerial class and hopped on the hoop and did some of the moves. That f elt amazing as well. I think I’ll create a new ritual. After yoga or bar, when my body is pretty primed and flexi, I’ll jump on the hoop and silk and do a couple of exercises.

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Then I meditated outside on the front deck in the glaoming listening to the crickets chirp. It’s a nice balmy night.

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I feel like I just want to keep doing things that are good for me…be in my body, stretch, meditate, eat well, and create pervette..

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I’m doing it. I’m building all the rituals of a good day. And as of this past week, I’m getting the 4th one down, which is pervetting. This is the last of the 4 pillars. And I’m building the disciplined practice of doing it everyday. Eventually, like meditation, playing, and eating consciously, it’s going to come effortlessly..

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I didn’t wait till 11:11 tonight to text A, to see if he wanted to get together to outline our list of needs and desires in relationship. I texted at 8:10pm. It’s 9:26pm. No reply yet. Now I remember why I don’t like sending messages that ask for something..

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Anyways, great day. I’m not preggers. Remember that momentary panic earlier today. It made me think if I was, I knew exactly who the dad is.

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I’m not really hungry these days, yet I eat because my mind tells me to. Maybe I should listen to my body and stay clear..

But I’m eating cleanly and consiously..

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12:25am

Coyotes are howling, crickets are chirping, the moon is super bright

And I’m masturbating to Lisa Loeb’s Stay

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A has not replied.

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It’s a strange night..

 

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Thursday, Sept 12, 2019 10:14pm

 

Dear U,

I love how these days unfold..

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I woke up at 8, later than my usual 6, which is good, because I’ve been running on less sleep these days.

And finally, I remembered my dream, it was vivid..

I was with guys, playing with their little penises..

There was a lot more to it than that..

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Waking past the kriya hours makes me feel a little aimless. A hasn’t texted me back. Motherfucker.

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I meditated, I had moments of being fully present to the spirit.

After the hour ended, I saw rthat A had texted at the moment I was deep in my meditation.

He says in Sonoma for the weekend, but will be back Sunday. How about Sunday night.

That was actually when I wanted to see him.

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I masturbated. Came to the image of me having fun building Pervette.

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Then I went over S’s comments on my intake form.   Super helpful.

I found the video footage I wanted to use for the Humanatrix page, edited it slightly through iMovie. My macbook is slowing down, I’m running out of disk space. I need to organize my files, it’s all over the place.

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I had my meeting with S. I had her go over some things, show me how to add video to the page using rows, within rows..

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After our meeting, I made myself another kale salad. It’s my new thing. My colonic gal implanted a thought in my head. Raw vegans get  more nutrients out of their veggies because they don’t cook it and destroy all the enzymes. Now I’m obsessed with the idea of having a salad every day.

the kale salad was super yums, ate it outside, where the air was warm, it’s a a beautiful Indian Summer day.

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I complete the Intake form, and add all the contact info to my list of 111 contacts..I’m doing all the assignments that my grounded business coaches are giving me and it’s helping me get grounded.

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I was tempted to go back to 3 Stone Hearth and pick up more chiken liver pate. I’ve been indulging in  it all day, and at this rate I’ll finish the jar in two days and who knows when the co-op will add this delectable item on their weekly menut. I gotta stock up. But that means leaving the house before 3 stone closes, which is 4, but I want to stay here and continue working on pervette.

So i decided to not get any more pate. I moved my Bar class from the 4:15 one to 6:45 to give myself more time to work on pervette.

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Around 4, I felt the kriya come over me, I meditated outside, sitting in the patio chair, then on the grass. I pull out 2 books on my moon room shelves. on the pervette inspo shelf..

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What We See When We Read

and

 

Writings on Art by Tom Marioni

 

And

 

The  Periodic Table of Feminism

just came in the mail.

..

I ran and caught up to the mailman to give him an envelope, it was a check for my dad to help cover his car payment and rent.

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I’m just letting my intuition guide me, it’s really strong right now

it knows when to work on pervette, read and get inspired and meditate.

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When I meditated, the folder titles of my external hard drive  files came to me..

Events, Daily Life, Shoots, Session, Audio Recording…

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Then I drove down to the organic farmer’s market down the hill, got a ton of kale, carrots. slithered almonds, walnuts, spring onions, brocollini. spinach, spring mix.A peach and plum. Ooo a mushroom stand? This is new. I grab some more shitake mushrooms. I love buying something from every stand to support everyone if I can.

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Threw my produce in my trunk and walked over to my bar class. It was an express one, 45 minutes. I remember how winded I was when I took my first bar class which was an express one. Now it feels like a breeze.

 

I got out during the gloaming, the air was so warm. when I got home, I went for a walk to my tree, in the dark, my path lir by the bright near full moon. It was so big and hanging low. I felt its magic permeate theair. I’ve never walked alone this late in the dark in the woods before. But the balmy air and big moon was so inviting.

When I got back to the house, I stayed in my yoga clothes, watched avideo form my aeiral class and jumped on the hoop, continuing or creating a ritual from yesterday.

My body is primed after yoga and bar.

And this a-ha thought kelpt coming back..

\It’s all about the transitions. Aerial is just leanrning the moves and practiving the transtions to make it look as graceful and fluid as possible.

So that’s what I did, I practiced the transitions. and for the first time, I felt like I was having fun, it wasn’t work, or uncomfortable, it felt so fun and easy, just a good stretch..

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.And then I decided to play Ruth B’s Lost Boy and pulle dup the lyrics. I started learning, memorizing the lyrics and singing. My voice sounded different. Maybe it was from all the playing and stretching I just did. And so I kept on playing the song over, like a dozen times and kept on singing along, until I had another a-ha moment.

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Singing songs is all about knowing how to place the words within a breath. It’s all about the breath.

Once I realized that, the melody of each syllable came easily.

I sang sitting in the chair, standing up, walking around, sitting at the right angle of the two speakers and in front of the mirror.

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Then I did the same thing with Lorde’s Liability.

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This is all new to me, practicing singing songs, but it was coming so effortlessly. And some part of me just knew that this was exactly what I shold be doing at this hour.

 

Then I danced to Born’s Past Lives, which I beleive should be the theme song for me and A.

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I want to embody the poetry of these songs, the songs that I know A listens to and is moved by..

I saw myself singing these songs to A. Since they were songs that I got from his playlist.

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Funny how I’ve been listening to theese 3 songs for three weeks omn repeat, wondering when will I get sick of them, and now I realized why I was driven to keep on listening, so I can learn its lyrics and melodies and sung it myself.

When I first heard Ruth B and Lorde sing these sings, I was in awe of the power of their voice and ability to sing these singsongy songs, with somewhat tricky melodies (at least to me). I tried to sing along but the it was so difficult to.

And now I can..

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I  don’t know how many times I played those two songs and sang along to them tonight. I did it for an hour. And now I feel so good, I can sing along..!

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yesterday, I wrote on my to do list for today for today, watch Masterclass, not knowing whose class I was gonna watch, but now I do, I think I want to watch Christina Aguleira’s class.. (as ridiculous as that sounds)

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I think it’s important to keep on following my intution. I’m not pushing myself to work relentlessly on Pervette, crank out content like crazy.

There’s some method to this fluid and effortless and seemingly “not hard work” I’m trusting my intuition..

It’s getting all of me aligned, I can feel it.

Everything will flow effortlessly…

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It’s the disciplined practice of becoming a multihyphenate

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Holy fuck. Masterclass.

Joyce Carol Oates on short story writing, Ken Burns on documentary filmmaking,  Spike Lee on independent filmmaking, Neil Gaiman on game theory, Anna Wintor on creativity and leadership, Jodie Foster on acting and directing,

I want to learn everything..!

And this is actually a great template for my own online class

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Watched  the Christina Aguleira lesson on Singing Live and Warming Up. I like her gestures..

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Then I meditated outside under the full-ish moon with Cutie and my stones from 12:30-1:20am.

 

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This moon is making me wild..

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What I put inside me: full moon water with my acv, lime water, and tinctures this morning, royal jelly, a carrot, fig, Quintessential minerals

 

Friday, Sep 13, 2019

 

(From what I can remember)

Morning ritual, meditation, masturbation..

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L was coming in today, I still needed to tidy up the last of the unorganized books in the blue guest room. There were spread across the floor, bed, yellow sofa and shelves in the closet.

It took several hours but I eventually got every book in place.

I love the final stretch of organizing things, it’s like your brain is primed to move faster in knowing what goes where

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L arrived at 6:30, completely the opposite of how she was the last time she came in (from her silent meditation retreat).

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I like how every time I see her, she’s always coming from something transformational (breakup the first time, first vipassanna second time) and this time she just came back from Burning Man.

 

It was the best decision she could’ve made. She took my advice and had sex with someone new to break the energetic cord /sexual hook her ex has in her. She found a Costa Rican hottie who worshipped her and made love to her in all the ways she needed and thought she couldn’t get anywhere else than from her ex.

“I thought of you” she said, “and how proud you’d be of me when we hooked. I couldn’t wait to tell you as soon as I had reception!”

I was so proud of her.

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As our ritual, she came bringing “her life” with her, 3 pieces of luggage. She gave me a jar of Benjamin Pixis’s bee pollen. I immediately opened it and took a few pinches and ate some. Mmm..

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She quickly got ready. I packed up a bag of snacks and we drove to the dungeon together. This will be her first time in a dungeon. Our first session together. We’ve talked about the first day we met, but her partner (now ex) was pretty threatened by the idea of her getting intimate with other men..

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When I arrived, P2 had rearranged his schedule to come and help set up the dungeon for us. He asked if he can take Cutie for the night. I said yes even though I wanted for the full moon, but I knew it was right for her to be with him..

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It was a full harvest moon. S2, my sub, and I always happen to get together on a full moon.

And as always, he came with a giant box of heirloom tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, and a giant watermelon he harvested that day.

And  then there was the ritual of giving us our tribute in these handpicked Hallmark cards.

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L was our sexy camera person at first, and then eventually she warmed up and got on top of the bondage table that S2 was strapped to. As I was electrifying his cock, balls, and ass, she was putting on a show for him standing right over his crouch, crouching inches above his nose and doing the most hypnotizing hip, ass, gyrations. I mean I was transfixed..

And this really quirky interesting personality came out from her. Slightly silly, but sexy.

S2 asked if her pussy had a name. She said it does. She made him guess.

Her style of banter with him was really funny. I wish I had it recorded.

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S2 wanted L to fuck him after I did. But I can tell L wasn’t ready and uncertain so I fucked him until he came, pouty and all.

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When L and I got home, she told me how Kambo healed her abortion debris mess that caused her to have the most painful cramps for years..

 

You were on the IUD? We gotta give you kambo, she said.

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L is a certified Kambo proactitioner. I’ve never had the desire to burn frog toxin into my skin until she planted the seed.

We make plans for her to serve me kambo when she’s back in town next next week.

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Saturday, Sept 14, 2019

 

I moved super slowly in the morning. I made a salad for me and L and then I had to say goodbye and zip off to the dungeon for my 2 sessions.

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I like how L comes and goes, stay only for a night and she’s always off to the next adventure. This time it’s to Sedona, to a detox clinic where she’s gonna drink a ton of olive oil, literally lose her shit and examine it.

The last time she was there she passed a worm.

Wonder what she’ll find this time..

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I had a  session with J. He’s been trying for over a year and a half to see me again. I guess I’ve been terrible with correspondence. He was happy to see me. He came with bra and panties and a plug inside his ass..It’s so easy to sink into a domme headpsace when the sub is so willing and ready and panting..I guess I did make him wait for it..

 

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Then I saw A the architect, we chat for a while as we always do, and we played as we typically do. He loves being taken by me from behind..

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I went strait to the Temescal alley after my 2 sessions. I wanted to get some herbs for my special tea and some new plants, and a plant for A.

There’s a new yarn shop that opened up. It looked like it needed a little support, so I bought a loom tool that can help me make bookmark tassels.

At Homestead, I got a ton of herbs: gingko, gotu kola, rose, holy basil, cinnamon, cacao nibs, horsetail.. I got a crystal to hang from the kitchen window (She had hung one up when She was living here), Lion’s Mane tincture, and a chocolate quinoa wafer  to snack on. Then  I went to Crimson and picked out 6 plants and a little planter to put A’s plant in.

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When I got home, I saw that L had cleaned up my salad making mess and put the whole kitchen back in order. What a sweet sisterwife.

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I moved slowly. I made a kale salad with tuna filet.

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I went to bed early like 10pmish

It’s rare for my body to call it a day so early. I think it’s the full moon..

 

Back to my previous week