Monday, August 13, 2018, 1:23pm


Dear You,

As you can tell from my lack of writing (to you) that life has been non-stop.

Yesterday, we officially moved out of NEMA.

Saturday was an unexpected yet fun and final hurrah. What I thought was a mini photoshoot turned into a larger gathering, with friends flowing in and out. It flowed so organically.


COuld be all the moving and letting go of things we’ve been doing at NEMA and the dungeon, but right now all I want to do is OCD clean and organize everything.

And drink tons of water.


I’m going through one of those phases where I look around and I feel sickened by my impulsive consumption.


I go back and forth. I have too many books (that I haven’t read).

But I love my books.

The knowledge contained within them comforts and excites me.


Having P around


I’ve been thinking about going to the dungeon after I drop P off at the airport. I want to clear out the bunker.

I don’t know where all this energy came from, since I was tuckered out yesterday after the move.

I did meditate this morning on the biomat and that was really refreshing.

I need to mediate more..

There’s a lot to do. But I’m gonna try to stay mindful and not get overwhelmed by it all.



I feel strange. Not good or bad. Just strange.

Like I ought to move slowly, mindfully. And take it all in.

Everything is changing.


I should meditate and chant.



I’ll see you in less than 100 hours, says P.


Tuesday, August 14th, 2018 11:22pm


Dear You,

Words are not quite coming to me.

I’m in a meditative trance.

When I was writing out my morning pages, I got agitated, I have a lot to do, people to get back to.

I thought about M’s questions to me yesterday, have me and P3 defined our roles in the film project? Not really. Are we co-directors? That’s how I see it. But maybe she thinks otherwise. We should have a chat.

So far, I’m funding the shooting, equipment rental and DP on a negative budget. I need to expand my wishlist.


I meditated laying down on the biomat.

Got present.

Then I went into the orgy room and did a sitting mediation, which evolved into a chanting meditation. Then got up and did a walking mediation around the playpen which evolved into a chanting meditation.

Then I went back to the moon room, picked up my shaman drum, continued chanting as I drummed myself into a deeper trance. Then I picked up my wooden flute and played it.

It was a complete state change.


I need to meditate and chant daily. It’s so grounding and centering, especially when my mind is racing.


I feel like my days are a series of modulations between ramping up to a hyper speed where ideas flow (like crazy) then slowing down to perfect nothing.


I’ve had so many amazing days I have yet to share with you. I’m hoping that at some point I’ll be able to sit down and write it all out.

I fear that I will lose the details.


I’m still on the fence whether I should take this Buddhist course next semester or not. I feel like I have so much to do, can I commit to reading the Buddhist scriptures and meeting every Tuesday morning to discuss our reading? But it’s my opportunity to be near one of my heroes, Gil Fronsdal.

I do believe he’s a Bodhisattva.

I want to learn from him.


Besides if I share everything that I’m reading and learning from the course with you, then it will doubly fruitful.


Okay, I guess I’ll take the course.

Will that take away from my Tuesday mornings with P? We can work around it. I should probably discuss with him.


Rob Brezny’s astrological report for Aquarius:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): According to my reading of the astrological
omens, the coming weeks will be prime time to vividly express your
appreciation for and understanding of the people you care about most. I
urge you to show them why you love them. Reveal the depths of your
insights about their true beauty. Make it clear how their presence in your
life has had a beneficent or healing influence on you. And if you really
want to get dramatic, you could take them to an inspiring outdoor spot
and sing them a tender song or two.


I need to get to my Dare to Memoir writing assignment



As I was writing about the house (for my assignment), I received an unexpected cal on the landline. I couldn’t make out the voice at first..


The call took me away from my writing.




I had a dream last night that I was at some place where there were women and one of them was not happy with me. She looked as though she wanted to attack me. I distracted her by talking about her children who were sitting in the stroller, 4 identical twins.


When I was making my smoothie, I started replying out loud to the conversation that I had on the phone, things I wish I said, and then a bird flew into the glass door.

Was that the crazy bird?


I managed to cross things off the to-do list: mailed check to dad, e-mailed A about the video showing too much of my face, retweeted M’s tweet of me naked with friends reading her book, e-mailed P a link of the vitamix 3500 to order since the current one at home will be going to BM (for our green smoothies), ordered boots and light up furry jacket on DollsKill (hopefully that’s the end of my BM clothes shopping); replied to D about her story that I plan to flip next week, replied to S about meeting next week instead of this week, replied to A4’s lace research, I picked out two that will work for the veil; replied to M on photoshoot concept and next photography lesson; replied to I with intake form for energy healing session this Thursday.


Not bad. Now I should go shower and get ready to meet with D


I still need to work on my writing assignment, get orchids and snacks for tomorrow’s shoot, think about the stylized shots and questions to ask for the interview



Finally home, talked to D, unpacked the groceries (house staples plus snacks fot tomorrow), watered the orchids and placed them in the orgy room. Now I’m here, excited about writing..

I want to write to you about my past few days and weeks. So much has happened that’s gone unrecorded here.

I want to do my writing assignment for my Dare to Memoir class.

And I want to go into the interview questions for the pervette doc.


P called. He has officially chartered a plane.  For me and him, 4 fellow campmates and 6 days of produce for our green smoothies. Cost, $11,110. The flight takes off at 11:00am.

11 11. Very auspicious.


I arrived at Xyclo at 6:30, grabbed a table by the window. D arrived 4 minutes later. I ordered the Buddha (vegan) rolls and sugarcane shrimp rolls, my favorites. He got a veggie duck noodle soup per the server’s recommendation. It was our first time hanging out one on one. We caught up. As I haven’t seen him in over a year. He’s been on his journey. Doing aya several times, dmt on a mountaintop, several heroic doses of psylocibin, and just last month, he had a pineal gland activation while driving and listening to Michael Pollan’s How to Change Your Mind. The veil was lifted, he said, and he was able to see himself and the construction of his self-identity.


It’s interesting how so many of us psychonauts describe that moment of clarity as the veil being lifted.


Interesting how I want to start a veil movement, or fashion trend, that speaks to the veil that we all wear unbeknownst to ourselves.


I probed about his relationship with his wife, how has it been for them to be on separate journeys. It’s tricky when one is curiously seeking while the other is


I suggested they do kana together, it’s an African plant that’s like mdma but the natural form of it. A real heart opener and the perfect relationship plant medicine, I think. It helped me and P move and work through some tough stuff.

He appreciates our conversation as he hasn’t been able to share his experiences with many others other than his psychonaut buddy.


He asked about Pervette and how it was going.

I told him it’s going. It’s all I think about sometime.


He suggests I visit Joseph Campbell’s PBS show (I need to, that’s been coming up a lot).

He handed me his phone, and in his notes, he shared with me a Joseph Campbell quote that gave me chills. I ask him to please send it to me.


I asked him if he’s been writing. He says not really.

He tried Self-Authoring but his analytical mind couldn’t flow with it.


Note to self: Look into and try out Self-Authoring


I proposed a writing project. Why don’t he send me snippets of his notes that he’s been collecting. I can expand on it with my own interpretations and send it back to him and he expands on it and we keep on going..

He likes my idea.

I ask if we can share that writing on Pervette, since I think it’ll be fruitful. He says if it can help others, sure.



Lately, I’ve been very intentional about my meetings.

People reach out and I feel into it.

I find a time that feels right, if it works for them, then I know, we’re supposed to meet.

If it doesn’t then I find another time in the coming weeks. We keep on trying until it clicks.

Because I move slowly, and don’t reply at the usual rate, it sometimes takes months to connect. But sometimes something opens up and I take it as a sign that we should meet sooner.


I have to say, for a day of not doing any drugs, I feel slightly high in a sober way. Moving with this calm ease, yet focused when I want to be. It must be the meditation.


I feel like I’m moving at the fastest pace I can go while still keeping it easeful.


I think for my stylized shots tomorrow, I’ll be at my computer, writing in my notebook, doing things I typically do, but just wearing Atsuko Kudo latex.


I’ll go over the interview questions now..


Okay, I’m losing steam. Time for bed..


Goodnight you..



What I put inside me: Diluted apple cider vinegar, brain tea I made, Guan yin tea D gave me, almonds, Cymbiotika DHA, a tiny fig, white nectarine, green smoothie I made; Buddha (vegan) rolls and sugarcane shrimp rolls, genmaicha green tea at Xyclo, tamari almonds, mugwort tea

Time on phone: 47 minutes

Money spent: 233.42 at Whole Foods staples and snacks for the shoot tomorrow and orchids…gerber daisies, avocados, lemons, limes, spinach, romaine lettuce, kombucha, strawberries, grapes, bananas, Nutraw pistachio butter, plantain chips, Hu chocolate bar, a Time magazine on the Science of Creativity; $700 check mailed out to dad for his birthday and car payment


Wednesday, August 15th, 2018, 9:13am


Dear You,

It’s a beautiful cloudy day. I was up at 7, I recorded my dream and wrote out my morning pages. I feel focused and at ease.


In my dream I was at some club with a friend owned by some elitist guy. Even though it was supposedly hard to get in, I thought it was pretty boring and lame. At the near end of the night they had on the back panel the men who waited all night to get in but didn’t. There was V, my slave, he looked despondent, so were all the other guys on the panel. They were all academics, well-accomplished professors and writers. When I came back to grab my bag I talked to V. I told him to never wait in line. I looked at him more closely, he looked different. He said he lost 25 pounds. I told him he looks 25 years younger. And British.


When I woke up I had an idea for my future clubhouse. There will be exhibitionists playing play space with a glass wall that changes from one-way mirror to window, and there will be voyeurs on the other side of the mirror, passing through, taking in the scene. They all wear veils. To be an exhibitionist you have to apply, they’ll get paid to play. And to be a voyeur passing through you have to make a donation to one of my causes/projects. Everyone signs a form to consent for the scene of both sides to be filmed. It will be aired in real time on a pervette channel. For the voyeurs who like their pervette veil, they can keep it if they want to buy it. It’ll be a casual Sunday and Tuesday night event. To pass by the clubhouse and see how people play.


Ideas of what to wear and vague impressions of the stylized shots today are coming to me.


1st outfit: Atsuko Kudo lilac lingerie outfit S2 got for me

2nd outfit: Bordelle red strappy piece that B got me

3rd outfit: tossup between the gold AP zahara chainmail dress or the AP latex-dipped lingerie that B got me


I probably should’ve done some crunches or exercised yesterday. Instead I went off diet and ate a ton of spring rolls.

But it’s okay, my appetite has waned quite a bit. I’m definitely not overeating anymore. I can’t tell if I’m eating just right or too little. I think it’s just right, and there’s no set thing, I just have to check in with my body daily, hourly on what it needs. I’m just following what my body’s telling me. Lately it’s in cleansing mode. I think as I stick more to the Plant Paradox diet, I’m more attuned to what my body needs.


Oh I also had this idea that I’m going to convert as many friends/subs as possible to the Plant Paradox diet. It’s truly the best diet. I feel really good, super clear-headed.


Aww man, I left my recorder running all night on the kitchen counter. Do I need a 10-hour recording on nothing but night sounds?

I delete it.

I wonder if I deleted a conversation?


Every act of my morning ritual is becoming quite meditative: Morning pages, staring at Cutie, cleaning the kitchen, making lemon water, drinking tea, writing to you.

I feel really good.


I think I’ll devote the next hour or so, until 11:11, working on my writing assignment since it’s due tomorrow night.

But first I’ll lay on the biomat and meditate.


[From what I can remember]


P2 says since Cutie has 0 physical power, she makes up for it with 100% spiritual power


P2 took my suggestion, when I went down to touch up my red lipstick, I found him laying on the rug in the Mistress room with Cutie sitting on his chest. The way she lightly sits on his heart and moves up and down with his breath..Jesus Christ, it’s too fucking cute.


P3 suggested I touch up my lipstick. When I looked in the mirror, I thought my lips looked fine (enough). Wow. They’re really particular. I apply another coat of red.

I like their style.


What’s my role? I ask P3 as I tuck the volcano vaporizer behind the Lignet Rosset sofa.

You’re just opening up your world to me and I follow you.

Yeah, okay,


I don’t need to be co-director. When I see what p3 does, which is a lot (shooting schedule, coordinating with the DP, etc), I realize that’s not the work I need to be doing.

I’m happy I can trust someone and let go of controlling everything in a project.

I love how passionate and inspired p3 is about the pervette doc.

This is clearly their baby too.


At the end of the (long) day (I’m using this trite expression ironically because I think it’s overused to the point that it almost irritates me to hear it uttered), P3 thinks we have enough footage for a promo video.


I wish I didn’t take 2 (or any hits) of cannabis before the interview. It totally burned and irritated my throat and made it sound super scratchy.

Lesson to self: Trust yourself. You don’t need weed to relax and make yourself think that you sound interesting enough.


What I consumed: Shot of ACV, lemon water, almonds, a hearty salad I made with the usual ingredients, green smoothie, brain tea, DHA, a handful of Have a Corn Chips, a chicken shishkebab wrap from Razaan’s Organic Kitchen (totally off diet and I ate the whole fucking thing with tons of Fix sriracha, but we were busy shooting so I put in a caviar order for the team, it was quick and easy, and organic and nearby, and I took some D-mannose afterwards to shield me from the lectin)

Thursday, August16, 2018 11:55am

Berkeley – Moon Room Biomat


Dear You,

My gosh. It was a very long day yesterday.

P3 and Y, the DP (director of photography) arrived at the house promptly at 3. And we didn’t wrap up at the dungeon until 2am.

There’s lots to catch you up on on just yesterday.

But for now, I need to work on my writing assignment, which is due tonight.

I also have a healing session (for myself) at 3 here at home and then I have a session at the dungeon at 7pm.

I have to write now..

But I wanted to write down these quotes I found as I was doing some research Callister, the architect.


His style was “Trying to reflect the region I’m in.”

Which involves walking the site and listening


“You leave yourself open and it all starts flooding in.”

“The most powerful things come when you listen.”

– Minor White (photographer)


You have to find the architecture. You don’t come to it preconceived.

That’s the whole essence of Pervette


Informed by the Japanese “Art of Doing”

Emphasizing the process of creation rather than the product itself


I thought I was gonna do my writing assignment but I ended up writing glimmers of yesterday.


Crazy how tired I was this morning, but just laying down on the biomat and staring at Cutie (who’s sitting on my heart) totally recharged me.

I also had some random ideas come to me


Inspired by the “b-roll” shots Y took yesterday, I think I’m gonna capture b-roll footage of the house to capture the impermanence of the evolving altar, the blooming and dying flower. Video has a way of capturing the essence of a place way beyond still photography.

You get sound and movement..


I guess I wanna be DP


I want to design clothes that have interchangeable parts.

These parts display your feeling and moods

Kinda like a hanky code.


It’s like how jellyfishes can display their moods by changing colors


For example

A yellow (removable) stripe down the sleeve signifies, I’m feeling social and open

Blue means, I have no energy to talk right now, please don’t bother me


It’s funny how I was in a slight sluggish fog, writing my assignment, then I went down the Caliister rabbithole and now I’m here, quite animated, writing to you.


My energy level has been modulating a ton.



Saturday, August 18, 2018 9:00am


Dear You,

Whenever you don’t hear from me, you know a lot is happening.  I hope I get to sit down and recap it all soon. Maybe tomorrow?

P came home yesterday earlier than expected, manic and excited, about life and prepping for Burning Man. He’s especially excited about the the portable beach wagon he got that fits three of our soft coolers that’ll hold all our produce for the week for once we get off the plane and make the trek to our camp.

We started packing all our costumes yesterday. In a bit we’re getting the 26 ft long Uhaul truck and drive it up the hill to the house.

My energy is pretty drained. But P’s bubblyness is rubbing off on me, so I think it’ll be a fun day.

P is looking at me,  in my tank and undies, on the laptop writing to you. I guess I don’t look ready to go grab the truck.

Okay, I gotta go.




Dear You,

I have a free minute since P is taking food coma nap.


Oh wait. He’s awake. Nevermind.


Back to packing!



What I put inside me: ACV, Lemon easter, 2 perfect plantain pancakes made by and shared with P, tamari almonds, spring water, green smoothie P  made, Lulu’s chocolate, 1 egg avocado taco I made for us for lunch, brussel sprouts with balsamic vinegar made by P,



Monday, August 20, 2018, 7:44pm

Berkeley – Moon Room

Dear You,

Oh my gosh, I have too many things I want to tell you, I don’t’ where to begin..


Like do you want the events or the thought and ideas attached to them?

Do you want to give you the details, or the highlights?

But what if it’s all the details combined that makes the highlight?

How do you I tell you everything?


I just need some days to myself to go back..


I think I’m gonna get that this week..

I’m so excited.

I have all of tomorrow and Wednesday, and most of Thursday, and Friday and Saturday all to myself.

I like to really make some huge progress on Pervette.


Like I want to build the next level of intimacy.


On the drive back from JetSutiteX just right now, I saw myself making a video for you, where I thank you for going deeper with me, to the next level of intimacy.


That’s the payoff for your curiosity. I get more vulnerable. You get closer to me.


It’s a dare for me to do something different, to put myself out there, to you..


I know it’s gonna be awkward.

But awkward is real.

And real is good.


I also had this crazy idea.


I’m going to get rid of my stuff by giving it to you.

Like every cd I own.

If I write a handwritten note to you in the cd sleeve

Telling you my history behind the songs and album

How it bookmarked my life

Which song I masturbated to

Or dance to


You get my liner notes


I take a picture of it

And share it here.


I sign it to you

And infuse it with my prayers, for you.


We create this exchange

Under the conditions

That we both have to believe

That things can carry energy.


Part of me is with you.

Can you feel me

Through my words

Can you see me

listening to this song

with you?


At which point

does that become art?


When you say

I’ll give you this

And if you give me that


It’s the exchange.


The exchange is trust

That there is value

In this exchange.


At every moment

we have an oppurtunity

to create value from trust.


I need to articulate to you

My vision

Really clearly.


So clear that you can see it



And once you get it.

Can you please tell me

Can you please show me

That you get it.



If I give pieces of my life to you..


And we both call it art.


Is it art?


I just want to fuck with art.



All I have to do is make is keep on making “art”

That we can create value from


by creating an exchange from it?


Is that how art and value works?



I’m going to make it worth it for you.





life art ideas

aka thoughts from a narcissist.




I just spent the last 44 min

trying to set up a new email account

so that you can email me directly


Note to future self:

If you want to add a new user/email account

Go to google admin, not account


(jesus christ

is this a good use of my high time?)


I had this idea thought while I was driving


Doesn’t it feel more intimate if you email me directly?


Something about the act of composing an email from your own account


So anyways

Here it is

my new email account



maybe you can appreciate

the slight double entendre


email me if you want


know that i’ll be reading it


But you won’t be getting a response from me


Through the usual way



And if I find your message fruitful

I’ll share it


And respond to to it


On Pervette



That’s right



By submitting to Pervette

You’re consenting to sharing your words

And creating a transparent exchange with me

Here on Pervette


That’s the point


Everything has potential

To be more than what it initially is


Even the beginning of our connection


I’m just playing with a thought


What if our words to each other

Can be more than words to each other?


What if by writing to you

And you writing to me



We’re generating content





To a monomaniac

Every thing feeds back to its obsession.


If you want to connect with me

You have to submit @ pervette

and its rules


Rule #1:

Make everything art




Dear You,

Whoa. I’ve been writing to you for the past

(how long?)

about a random idea

I had.


On Level’s Viper Cookies.


Is it ridiculous that I feel slightly productive

Because I created a new email account?


It feels like a subtle rabbithole

That can lead to more rabbitholes on pervette.


All depending on you


I still have questions to reply to..


I’m somehow


very optimistic

that I will find the time

to do


i want to do.


I’ve been inspired by

Bo Burnham

And his film

Eighth Grade





I feel like I can never do justice

In describing or accounting my relationships.


I can try.



the words will come to me

but right now

it’s still missing so many nuances.




Can I tell you about . my day?


I woke up around 7:30am

P got up, he showered, while I was in bed staring at Cutie


Who wants plantain pancakes and a green smoothie?

Me me me! I said even though my body didn’t want to get up.

I’ll meet you up there.


When I finally got up

P came downstairs with his laptop and wallet

He’s gonna head out and go into the city early

He says there’s not enough plantains for pancakes

(there’s 2 plantains, which is enough, but one is green, one is yellow, the receip calls for 2 green plantains)

And he can’t find the measuring cup for the smoothie

(We packed two of them in the burning man truck, which took off yesterday,

and the 3rd one is on my bedside table because I used it as a cup for my tulsi sleep tea)

He’s gonna take off and get breakfast at St. regis

Okay, that’s cool.

I can tell he’s feeling more business-y and not so muppety.

But then he got muppety when he said goodbye.

It was 8.

I have an hour and a half before I need to take off for the dentist

appt at 10am.


I started my morning pages

But then I got distracted

by A’s text

He sent a link to a video he made of his comic collection room

where he shows the viewer his insane collection

and obsession with swamp thing

it was so inspiring


Considering we’re both in very similar positios

We both moved into a house with our partner

Worked on it

Made it our home

And now

Very suddenly

Thanks to our partners

we have to part with it


We both have an obsession with artifacts

like books

And so moving is not so easy


My mind went back to last night.

How in P’s mind, he thinks we’re gonna sell this house very soon

Like end of September.


It feels too rushed.

I ‘m not ready.


There’s still things I want to do

To make the most of this space before I say goodbye


I want to memorialize this space

I want to capture its essence

The impermanence of it all


I wish I was constantly capturing b roll of this space and its evolution


I wish I wish.


The bittersweetness of

a time cut short

missed oppurttunities

to create magic


P texted me a tim ferris tweet

He ranked his most listened to podcast episodes

the top one was

An erotic playbook by the world’s top earning sexworker

Alice Little


it’s good to know that sex sells/downloads

I started listening to it as I got ready.


Since D took the car

I got an uber

Older jewish? man

With nondescript mints in red and yellow cellophane wrappers on the side of the doot

The driver didn’t seem friendly

At first



You get a lot of deer here?


What about coyotes?

Yep they’re here too.

That’s nice. They’re both passive animals, afraid of humans. They’ll run away if they see you.

They only bite if you try to feed them.

(maybe that’s what happened to me)


I try to not be on my phone, or listen to my podcast, it’s rare to be a passenger, driving down this hill

I get to look out the window from the side and take in the houses and plants


The belladonnas

Or naked ladies

are in full bloom.


There’s something about these flowers

Their perfect shade of pink

The way they stand so tall and upright on their stems

The way they transport me back to late August of 2007

When I first noticed them.

And every subsequent August after.


They remind us

Another summer is almost over


Was it the ride that slowed me down

It was 9:40am

I felt like I was a kid being driven to school

I listened.


See this building here (he’s pointing to the building on the northwest corner of college and alcatraz), this is where the first noah’s bagels was.


Yep. I know Noah.  Noah was the son of the baker. You know the picture of the boy holding the bagels? That’s Noah.


Then it moved to where Genova’s deli was.

Oh yeah I know that place.

Then it got bought out by some big company I can’t remember. Now Noah’s a billionaire.

How did Noah’s Bagels get so big?

They’re just really good bagels. Is this the medical building?

Yep. Thanks..


I got out. For once I was early to my appt. I wonder if it’s because I’m wearing my swatch watch.


Whenever I step into Dr. Albright’s office I feel like I’m back in the 80’s

It’s the soft rock station.


I got a new dental hygenist, C, she’s blonde with bangs, late 40’s, early 50’s, sweet-looking

She asked me if I was up to anything this past weekend.

I said I was packing for Burning Man.

Her eyes lit up.

Oh you’re going to love it! She says.

Her old boss used to go over year

And share photos














P and his casio watch

Me and my swatch watch

I think it’s an amulet or a symbol or a clue


Something about the art of timing.


Our relationship is at an all time peak.

It feels like we’re two kids

Constantly playing.


All we want to do is be muppety

And make fun

Of each other.



Looking into cameras

And home security cameras..



I just bought a Wyze security cam.

For several reasons..

One. To record everything.

Two. To make art

What I consumed: ACV, lemon water, pistachios P brought up from LA and I poured out into a bowl for my sis and her broker friend which they didn’t have any; an arugula salad that my sis got me which P had 1/2 of when he showed up at Summer Kitchen, 3 big bites of 1/2 a crispy chicken sandwich that my sis s[lit with me, tamari almonds and 1/2 Hu cashew butter vanilla ben chocolate bar P and I got at Whole Foods while on the ride home, 2 perfect plantain pancakes P made for us to share, a green smoothie we both made; 1/2 Hu almond butter puffed quinoa chocolate bar while on the ride to the airport, more tamari almonds



Back to my previous week

Back to when you said yes