Sunday, August 5, 2018 12:12pm

Berkeley- Moon Room- On the biomat

 

Dear You,

I got 4 hours of sleep last night. I felt like I could’ve stayed up all night writing to you and and working on Pervette. I thought I forgot what what happened last Sunday evening, then I remembered and wrote it out (before it slipped away). I really need to go back and clean up what I wrote to you. It’s so messy and some parts don’t make sense.

I’m sweating under my arms like crazy. Must be adrenaline. Or that green tea and green coffee bean supplement I took yesterday morning.

If you’ve noticed I’m playing around with the beginning pages of Pervette. It’s all placeholders that hopefully is piquing your curiosity so you’ll come back when I have more to say, which hopefully will be soon. I’m planning to not take any sessions after today for the rest of the week. Although it is a slightly busy week.

.

Today I have a session with a sub (of 13 years) at 2-4. P lands into Oakland at 3:40pm. He wants us to dedicate all of today for Burning Man prep. Which means going to an electric bike store and Amazon Priming like crazy.

.

Monday- meeting with P3 my documentarian on the Pervette documentary. I think I’m gonna film all our meetings from now on.

Tuesday- Memoir writing teleconference with the whole class and hang out with P and prep for the Burn

Wednesday- Goddesses photoshoot with S and N and L and G at NEMA

Thursday Meet with A4 to design veils

Friday Day to myself to work on Pervette

Saturday Possibly meet with S (I can’t keep up with my S’s) to setup podcast studio and learn how to edit audio clips

.

There’s a lot to catch you up on…

M and A want to edit my shame video and put it out there. M already found me an editor for me. Holy fuck, am I ready to put myself out there? M is a force and so is A, and they’re both pushing me beyond myself. I am so grateful for them.

I really want to get Pervette into a slightly decent shape before The London Times pieces comes out. Hence all the rearranging and slightly new additions.

And that can explain why I don’t need food or sleep right now and I feel like I can keep on going.

But I gotta go ready for my session..

.

9:52pm

 

Dear You,

Oh my gosh. I feel so manic I don’t even know where to begin

Should I recall my day by events?

Or by epiphanies?

Do you want my outer

Or inner world?

 

Let’s go inner.

I feel like something happened yesterday and today.

Like I arrived at an a-ha moment with pervette

At every moment

I can finally see exactly what I need to do next.

What pages to create

How to edit the current pages that I have.

And how to weave them all together.

And which parts do I need to fill in

In order to make it all fit.

 

It’s like I experienced a reconceptualization

of Pervette.

I can see it in a way

Where it’s all aligned

 

I couldn’t see this before

Because I didn’t have enough dots to work with

 

 

Where are we now? It’s actually the beginning of week 7 since I started writing to you. I created 6 weeks worth of dots.

And just now it’s beginning to all click and come together.

 

This practice of writing to you

And having you hold me accountable

To keep on writing (almost) everyday

Has helped me learn how to write

Without caring too much about how it’s written

It’s my process of letting it out

However it wants to come out.

Sloppily or emotionally

However it is

It’s me trying to be real.

I hope you can sense it.

.

The wonderful thing about having a ton of raw and rough writing

Is that you have a lot of material to polish and refine.

The process of going back

Feels like a fun exercise in editing

And remembering

 

write. edit.

create. curate.

 

.

I asked J today what makes a video game compelling or desirable.

 

He says there’s tons of research on this. I should look into the PENS model.

He says, Basically a game worth coming back to is one that makes the player feel like:

  1. They’re growing
  2. Their successes are being celebrated
  3. They have agency

 

Hmm..

Maybe video games are so compelling because they have created a simulacra of an ideal community?

(I wonder if I’m appropriating that concept correctly?  If you’re a Baudrillard expert, will you let me know?)

 

Maybe the next logical step is to create a game that does all of the above but instead of it being virtual or made up, it’s a game based on reality.

That way, as you play and advance to the next level(s) of the game

You are actually building a toolkit that can be applied to your own reality.

What if I create a game for us to play that can help you learn how to navigate your own reality with a larger toolkit?

.

I’ve been having this recurring thought since I learned about the scienceofbdsm team.

(Which I want to be a part of.)

I have a Phd.

I should apply everything that I’ve learned in my 7 and a half years of academia

To do research on the taboo.

On kink and sexwork

On plant medicine and spirituality

And all of its combinations and permutations.

I’ve definitely done the ethnography part.

By mucking around in its phenomenology.

From my 13 years of practice

I have enough existence proofs and data points

To develop theories

And then test them out here on Pervette

With you.

 

What if we have an exchange where

If you allow me to make you my sub(ject)

I promise you that

I will expand your subjectivity

 

And by subjectivity (and the expansion thereof)

I mean that I want to help you widen your sense of self

So that you can see that you are more

Than what you think

Or know.

 

Because how do you know

What you don’t know?

 

You don’t.

 

And that’s why you need someone to show you what you can’t see

And that’s the point of having relationships

With someone you trust

To be real and honest with you.

 

I think the role of the ethical dominatrix

Is to show you what’s real and what’s illusory.

And to be real with you outside of the fantasy exploration.

There’s a space to act as if.

And there’s a space to reflect on the act.

.

What is your fantasy trying to show you about your reality?

.

If you can understand where your desires come from,

You can understand what you you still need to realize.

(Possibly in both senses of the term.)

.

What are your drives telling you?

What is it that needs to be played out so that you can…

.

I think the reason why BDSM doesn’t make sense to most

Is because it operates like a missing link.

.

When decontextualized it can’t be made sense of.

.

But when it fits into a theoretical model

It can be understood coherently.

 

It is the missing link

That helps makes sense

Of the invisible

Or the abstract

Or the theoretical.

 

To put it in other words, it is the praxis to all meta (physical) theories.

.

Wait.

Am I making any sense to you?

.

What I think I’m trying to say is that I’ve practiced BDSM enough

And have contemplated it to a degree

Where I think I ccan see how it fits

Into almost any abstract theoretical or metaphysical model.

From Baudrillard

To Buddhism.

.

I should emphasize the caveat

I think 

 

If this still doesn’t make sense

I’ll try to flesh it out

With more concrete examples and

Say more

Later.

.

When I’m not high

And delerious.

.

It’s 12:04am

I should go to bed.

 

Goodnight, you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I bought: A transparent layering wing top from Lobo Mau for $208

What I put inside me: Lemon water (with Real Salt , a shot apple cider vinegar diluted plus Garcinia Cambignia, Mood+ probiotics, Hot chocolate protein collagen maca mucana pruriens ashwagandha drink with mct, coconut, flaxseed oil and almond milk, 3 handfuls of tamari almonds, 1/3 of a Lula’s chocolate bar, 2 squares of a Hu almond butter puffed quinoa chocolate bar; 4 hits of Level’s Viper Cookies (and yes I did cough and got off); little gems salad, a slice of fontinalla pizza with an extra egg and pancetta, a bite of the grass-fed hamburger, 4 fries

Something I did that was different: I wore my swatch watch, I listened to Janet Jackson; I’m not stuffing myself to a point of discomfort when I eat.

 

Monday, August 6th, 2018 3:33pm

Berkeley – Moon Room

 

Dear You,

Is something in the air? Are you noticing that things are just slightly off?

The hot water went out when P showered this morning. So I put on my pants and went outside (because our tankless hot water unit was installed outdoors) traversed the light well and thorny bush with a phillip screwdriver and manual in hand and I reset the tank. P took pictures of me doing it because I guess he was pretty impressed.

The green smoothie P made was super lemony because they didn’t have any organic lemons at the store yesterday so I grabbed the “conventional” one  and I guess the conventional lemons are extra juicy and tart or something.

The plantain pancakes were too runny to flip therefore unedible. P thinks it’s because of the plantains. Whole Foods ran out of green plantains and so P got yellow ones, and the ripe ones don’t work quite the same.

I’m not sure if it was because I was up late writing to you or the extra homeopathic sleeping pill I took (to try to calm down my mania and sleep) or maybe I just need more sleep but I woke up really really tired.

I took a meditation/nap, woke up, tidied up the house, P3 came over. I made them a hot drink and we got talking.

They got great news.  They got laid off.

They’re super excited to have more time to work on this doc.

We gotta work on fundraising for the documentary.

We talked about film shorts.

What? P3 and I were both at PFA last Wednesday, catching the Antonioni shorts and we both had a feeling that the other was there.

.

 

I want to create a narrative where the female protagonist isn’t playing in the current paradigm, where power is force and violence. All these new shows and films with female protagonists may seem like a step in the right direction, but it’s still the same story and message.

..

P3 thinks we should build an app, by and for SW. That sounds really tricky. Given how prudish Apple is.

.

We make plans to shoot next Wednesday.

.

We watch the McQueen trailer. Holy fuck. I had no idea Alexander McQueen  looked like a serial killer.

.

11:11pm

 

Oh it’s mercury retrograde. That’s what’s going on.

P heard someone mention it at the office. He said everyone at the office was really off.

Days likes these, all you can do is nap and if P is around, get high.

When he got home, we got high, ate a giant salad I made, napped, got up, got high, went to Mike’s Bikes to teat out an electric bike for me, continued getting high, then went to REI for hydration paks, got high some more and then went to Iyasare for dinner.

When we got home, we did something we haven’t done in a while. We jumped in the playpen in the orgy room and we continued through A’s Burning Man prep list and Amazoned 73 items, total $1173.

It was lots of  lights for our clothes and bikes and tons of AA and AAAbatteries and toiletries, etc

.

I amazoned 2 copies of Unwifeable. I have an idea for the photoshoot.

.

It was a very good day in spite of the retrograde.

 

What I put inside me: Lemon water, a giant salad I made for me and P; almonds, a square of Hu chocolate; cured salmon, seaweed salad, miso soup, rice, ajitima egg at Iyasare; Level Viper Cookies vape

 

Tuesday, August 7, 2018 10:10am

Berkeley – Orgy Room

 

Dear You,

By the way the light is shining through the house, golden and orange, I can tell the fires are still going.

.

Ever since last Thursday, I haven’t heard or seen the crazy bird around.

.

They’re still cutting down trees. They’ve been at it since I got back from NY. The landscape looks different as I look out the glass door from the Orgy Room, which is where I’m sitting right now as I write to you.

We call it the Orgy Room because it looks like a room made for an orgy. And yet the most we’ve done here is had a threesome. We still have some time.

I still feel really out of it. I can’t tell if it’s the Tranquil Sleep pills I took last night. Or it’s just the comedown of my sleep-deprived mania. Or maybe it’s mercury retrograde.

I feel queasy.

There’s less trees and more sun. I wish I did a did a witchy photoshoot walking through that woodsy part of the path near my house. Now it’s all gone.

Everything is shifting.

D is doing the final walk through at NEMA right now.

.

Horoscope…

 

.

Should I shower or just wash my face?

My energy is drained again. But it’s not a bad thing. It gives me an excuse to read and rest.

.

I’m contemplating micro-dosing on shrooms.

3:44pm

 

I’m glad I didn’t micro-dose. My body is already feeling wobbly.

 

7:00pm

 

I can hear my neighbors outside gathering and chatting for National Night Out. I suppose I should go out and bring some bottles of rose. I will in a bit.

.

P got up and was in the kitchen before me. When I came up and stepped on something.

Yoouch! I said.

P laughed, I was just going to tell you that I was looking for the clamp of this jar, and then you found it.

Me stepping on the weck jar clamp distracted him from closing the lid of his Swell water bottle, which he put in his backpack, next to his computer.

It being mercury retrograde, the water spilled into the backpack including his journal and macbook whole on his way to the city. When he got home, he suggested doing that Asian trick I suggested a while back of sticking it in a bin of rice to dry it out. I told him we gave away all our rice. It’s lectin. He tried turning on his computer. Nothing. Oh well, he says. Guess he’ll just buy another macbook pro later today. I didn’t feel like telling him that Susan Miller (the astrologer) would strongly advise anybody to not buy electronics during mercury retrograde.

He borrowed my laptop to book his flight for LA today. I made us a green smoothie that was slightly too spinach-y.

I told P he’s handling this very remarkably well.

I think he really appreciated that.

It’s all you can do ride the wave of this mercury retrograde, he says.

That became the theme of our afternoon. We were the Mupps just rolling with the hiccups.

We went to 2 bike shops. Then decided to circle back to where we were yesterday at Mike’s Bikes and got the electric bike I tried. We got fatter tires to replace the ones it came with. I got a cool-looking reflective blue star that I pinned to my black sweater. We had an hour before I take him to the airport. D proposed Sweetgreens for a quick salad. I couldn’t think of anything better near (other than Gather, which we’ve already been to on Sunday), so we went to Sweetgreen. But it was temporarily closed due to some equipment malfunction (ahem, mercury retrograde). So back to Gather it was. We found a great parking spot, slid into the chef’ s counter seats and got a little gems salad, soup, and olives.

It’s funny, P says, I never believed in mercury retrograde until this week.

P kept on telling me how much he loved me. And how cute I am. I am acting like a little mupp today, it’s the best way to disarm him, especially during these retrograde days.

.

I think it’s hard (for you) to get a sense of how we relate without hearing how we talk to each other (in our muppet voices).

Our day unfolded quite nicely. We drove to JetSuiteX and parted. On the way back, I took the more scenic route on the 13 and was craving some old school music.

I thought of Beth Orton. I put on her Central Reservation album. “Sweetest Decline” totally transported me back to 1999.

.

It’s been a ritual. P and I have these high quality muppety Tuesdays together and then we say goodbye. And I miss him.

.

Yet I’m happy to be here and do my solo things, like read and write to you.

.

When I got back, I started putting together the Berkey water filter.

Then I took a power nap in the moon room at 4:37, I told myself to wake up at 5 in time for my Dare to Memoir teleconference call.

I felt my body twitch into relaxation.

I woke up at 5:01 and dialed into the teleconference.

.

 

It’s 7:41pm, I guess I should step out and mingle with my neighbors..

 

10:17pm

I mingled. The person I chatted with was T, who was so happy to see me. She hugged me then said in a hushed tattle-telling voice that “weirdo” (that’s what she calls him) assaulted her and her ribs still hurt. As she’s telling me this, “weirdo” is 7 feet away from us.

Oh my god that’s terrible! I tell her. But I didn’t tell her, yeah I was eavesdropping, and I heard it go down.

.

I met an energy healer. Gonna have her work on me, do some Mayan abdominal massage and lympth node stuff. Something strange is going on with me, I feel crazy drained..

.

I met a few (new to me) neighbors who’ve been here for a while. They remember when our house was a stable for T’s horses.

One fellow said he was a young’n when he watched the house (I’m in) get single-handedly built by T’s husband.

.

The story behind the house I’m in is that it was built with love. T’s husband designed, built and sold it so that she would have enough to have a money to retire and live on after he died.

.

Him and his daughter designed the ceiling together, all vertical grain Douglas fir wood, with a sterling copper roof to top it off.

.

I can feel his love in this house. I can also feel the animal spirit in this house.

.

So here we are, me and T, two eccentric ladies living (alone for the most part) on top of the hill, in houses built by her husband. That’s probably why she introduces me to everybody on the block as “the greatest.”

She and her husband actually built many houses on this pocket, and they’re all beautiful and unique, with a touch of Warren Callister, whom they were associates with and he was actually the sub divider of this cul de sac.

The story behind “the best kept secret of Berkeley” was that a friend sold T this plot of Berkeley hills land back in the sixties for 65K. She had to borrow some money to pull it off, but she did. That’s probably the best property investment I’ve ever heard.

.

I helped fold the chairs and slipped back into the house. I called my mom. It’s been a while. I can tell when I’ve waited too long to call her (over a week). It’s almost at that point. It went strait to voicemail.

I called P. Went strait to voicemail.

.

Then mom called me back. She was just getting out of the gym. At 9pm? She’s going to the gym later these days because it’s so hot down there, average highs in the mid nineties. Jesus.

.

She feels like she’s gaining weight on her tummy. I told her about the Plant Paradox diet I’m on with David.

I break it to her, Basically fruit is like candy.

Wha?? Then what can I eat instead?

Vegetables.

I can’t do that. I hate vegetables.

You just gotta practice eating it.

She’s not going to. I know it. Not until she really has to.

.

P called me back after I got off. He was just on his way to Hillstone for dinner. At 9:44pm? That’s usually his bedtime. He had a long day after getting in. Swung by the Apple store and got a new macbook pro. Has it all set up and was looking into Burning Man stuff. We reflected on our fun muppety day together.

It’s so good right now between us, I don’t want to jinx it.

.

So many people to get back to. But I’m so drained.

.

Days like these, I can barely write (to you). But I want to..

.

 

What I put inside me: apple cider vinegar and lemon water, green smoothie I made, mushroom coconut soup, little gems salad and olives from Gather, a ton of macadamia nuts, some tamari almonds, seaweed salad, kimchee and more olives, cinnamon rose tulsi tea. tons of vitamins; self love potion (I didn’t have much of an appetite today).

 

Wednesday,  August 8th, 2018 11:11am

 

Dear You,

I got 8 hours of sleep. Finally. Before I went to bed. I laid on the biomat and listened to the theta guided meditation (from M). It was the perfect way to unwind. I should do that every night.

When I woke up this morning, I told myself I’m not gonna let my prep for the photoshoot today (and the stress I create around it) take me out of my morning.

.

I had a really great dream that had lots of clues that I can’t remember. Something about tidying up a cluttered bathroom so that it can be a space of work or worship.

In the last part of the dream I was peeing like niagara falls. I woke up just in time to catch myself from peeing all over the bed. Only my panties were wet, thank god.

.

I’ve been telling myself it’s okay if I don’t remember all the parts of my dream, it’s still getting integrated, sub or unconsciously. Because sometimes when I can’t remember my dream, I kick myself, which starts my day off on the wrong note.

.

My dream recollection got fuzzy because I had to go pee and an idea came to me.

.

One of the gals in the last Breakup Bootcamp retreat is going through a tough week. Her ex is in the limelight this week as a martial arts fighter. He just got signed on to the UFC or something yesterday, and now she’s “broken, in bed, on a bunch of anxiety meds.”

I texted her on the Whatsapp thread and told her to write out her story and send it to me. The one that’s still running in her head. I told her to tell me about “the plan” she/they had and how it unraveled.

.

I want to read it, work with it, and see if I can flip it.

.

I got 8 hours of rest rest but my head was still feeling funny. I wanted to meditate but they’re still chainsawing down the trees outside. So I went upstairs, and finished putting together the Berkey water filter. Now I have super clean water.

I watered my trees and spritzed them. I’ve neglected them this past week and a half.

.

I did something random, I opened the email from the sound meditation folks at the Grace Cathedral. They’re thinking of offering sound meditation courses and wanted us to “chime in” so I did.

The survey I took was on this platform called Typeform. It’s a very clean and aesthetically pleasing interface. I might want to use this when I start collecting data..

.

Oh did I tell you already? I’ve been having this running thought in my head for the past two weeks..

I should finally should use my PhD and do quantitative and qualitative research on kink, sexwork, plant medicine.

I should look into being a part of scienceofbdsm and maps

On top of all the other things I want to do..

.

Still not ready to write or do anything. I have more energy but still quite low. So I laid on the biomat and listened to the theta guided meditation. I swear every time I listen to it (I’ve listened to it 20+ times), I get some new visualization out of it. I sometimes fall asleep and wake up just as it’s ending. It’s 36 minutes long.

.

Got up and was about to pack for the shoot but I started writing to you.

 

I planned for us to meet at NEMA at 1:44. Since last time we aimed for noon, but we all were running late (as I expected) and didn’t really start to 1:44pm.

.

As I was writing to you, a few texts came through. Both our photographers can’t make it today. One has to babysit his baby, the other has to put in an offer (she’s a real estate broker) and be somewhere.

I told them I’m down to reschedule. For this Friday or Saturday.

It works for one photographer, the other has a yoga retreat, which works out because we just need one photographer anyways.

.

How perfect. So happy I didn’t shower, pack, get ready or stress about the shoot that wasn’t going to happen anyway.

.

Now I can work on Pervette..!

.

I love how this happens pretty often now. I plan for something. Things come up and the space opens up for the thing that actually needs my energy and attention.

.

I wonder if I should reach out to the energy healer to see if she has any openings for a healing session.

.

I can’t seem to find the notepad I was carrying in my pocket and where she wrote all her info down.

.

P just sent an email to our Burning Man group. He’s leading the charge on renting a Uhaul and is asking if anyone can drive it in. He also mentioned that he’s chartering a plane for us and if anyone in the group needs a ride, we’re happy to have them on board.

.

I found my notepad!

.

Went down the rabbithole of the healer’s website and it turns out there’s a Bay Area Healer’s Market this Saturday. Tons of vendors of healers with healing things..might just be the thing I need for right now. Since I do think something is quite off with me energetically.

.

As crazy low energy as I am, I don’t mind it too much.

It just means I have to be way more mindful about making plans with friends.

I have a tendency to overcommit.

Or should I say I used to have a tendency to overcommit.

I feel like I’m finally learning how to consciously guard my time and energy to self.

I’m coming to see that this is a very important life skill.

If you want to get shit done.

.

Oh wait. I forgot. I have a photoshoot this Saturday. No healer’s market for me.

.

Getting too distracted. Back to Pervette..

.

2:55pm

 

Do I want to go to yoga? My favorite teacher is teaching a class at 4:30. I haven’t been in forever. Will it wipe me out? Or will the sweat energize me?

3:56pm

 

I just spent the past hour learning how to change the color of the font on here.

I found the colors on the internet, screenshot them, found the color code through a color code finder, and then added them to the palette on theme options. I usually have S1 take care of these technical things because she’s the expert. But it feels really good to learn how to do it myself.

.

My rationale for the color change..

The lilac was way to

.

I’m still on the fence about yoga. Is it a good idea? Will it wipe me out or energize me? Should I stay here and keep on writing/working on Pervette? Or should I get out of the house and get in my body?

 

9:00pm

 

 

Around 4:11, I decided to go to yoga. I hopped in my car and found the vape pen P left me with the Viper Cookies cartridge on the passenger seat. It was 4:21 when I was heading down the hill, don’t mind if I do..take a hit or two.

.

I surprisedly rolled up rolled into class not late. A, the yoga teacher, asked how my summer was and if I had any big trips. I said just to LA mostly.

What’s in LA? She asked.

I said we got a place down there. That’s where P’s at most of the time.

Is work down there, she asked.

No, he just likes the weather.

Seriously? she asked as if that’s a slightly absurd reason, Do you guys still have the place in Tokyo?

No we gave that up.

A only knows these details because I had her over our house a private lesson years ago. This is before I really understood yoga and the affordances of being in a class setting.

.

The theme of the class was Meeting Your Edge with YES

Jesus. I was hoping for a gentle class. But I got an edgier one instead. I couldn’t tell if getting high was a good idea or not. It was a little hard to focus because I kept on wanting to remember what she said and take note of it after.

.

I’m still glad I went because I really like A’s style (it’s gentle enough even when it’s challenging) and her languaging.

.

If you’re not feeling great these days, it’s because of the air, she said, Rest more than you would.

Oh right! It’s the air that’s making me super sluggish. Just that tidbit alone was worth the trip and sweat.

.

To the right of me in class was A’s daughter, she was probably 11 and very new to yoga. She kept on wobbling around, which made me feel way less amateur than I am. Although the cannabis does help me move slower and focus on my breath.

.

After class I went up to A with my notepad. I told her it was a great class.

In class you said there is no freedom without boundaries.

Yeah?

Can you say more about that? I asked.

What I meant is that, for example, if you have kids and you don’t have any boundaries with where they can go, they might go somewhere far outside, on the streets and get hurt. But if you set boundaries of where they can go and stay safe, then they have the freedom to explore.

Oh, I see.

Or say if you don’t have boundaries or limits, you can get drunk every night and you may think that’s freedom, but you’re really just messed up.

.

After class, I swung by the grocery store to grab a dozen lemons, avocados and 2 Fuji apples.

.

I went home and baked the salmon that S2 caught and gave me. I found a slightly different recipe online: lemon, butter, garlic, paprika, and cayenne. It was so yummy, I ate 3 giant filets with some suateed spinach. I did the dishes, tidied dup the kitchen, and went out and caught the sunset twice. The first sunset was a false one when it slipped behind the clouds. The real sunset was quite glorious. It was bright red, reminding us that the fires are still going.

I walked down the path surveying how barren it looks with most the non-native trees cut down.

The sky was purple and the bates were out during the gloaming.

The neighbor I passed by last night was driving out when she stopped and we chatted about how different the place looks now. We were both sad to see trees go.

Maybe we can suggest to the neighborhood planting some baby redwoods?

I’m down for that, I told her.

That cheered her up and she drove off. I continued watching/filming the bats flutter around.

.

I came back, added an apple to the altar and filled the 3 tiny altar cups with fresh spring water and prayed to Guan Yin.

.

I’m grateful for this unexpected day of being able to take care of myself.

.

The kitchen is spotless.

.

A handful of texts are coming in from friends who’ve been pinging on an off for the past 6 months wanting to hang out.

.

 

I move to the orgy room. It’s 10 o’ clock. Should I finally do my Dare to Memoir writing assignment (it’s due tomorrow night)? Or should I watch a Steve Martin teaches comedy Masterclass? Or should I tinker on Pervette?

.

 

 

What I put inside me: shot of apple cider vinegar diluted, brain tea I made, green smoothie, spring water, super purified water, 2 handfuls of macadamia nuts, a handful of tamari almonds, 3 filets of baked salmon, sauteed spinach, 2 handfuls of blackberries, 2 squares of Hu almond butter puffed quinoa chocolate, dandelion tea

What I bought: 2 bodysuits on Asos for BM

 

Thursday, August 9, 2018 12:09am

 

Dear You,

I know it’s technically not Thursday anymore as I write this. But for me, it’s still Thursday night.

I didn’t get that much sleep the night before.

Just as I was going to start my Steve Martin Masterclass, P called.

Oh right. We were supposed to go online shopping for his Burning Man costumes. We started going on the Untitled website then he quickly lost steam. He asked if I could pick out the pieces for him. So I stayed up till 2 shopping for him. And myself as well. I put in an order for some lacy bodysuits at ASOS and got some swimwear on sale at Lascivious.

I went to bed around 2:30 and woke up at 8 to the sounds of the trees outside getting torn down.

It’s been a ritual since I get woken up (still drowsy and tired) by the sound of chainsaws and trees falling, I put on my earbuds, go upstairs, lay on the biomat and listen to the guided theta mediation.

I always feel much better afterwards.

.

I notice the plants outside are looking quite dry. I check the irrigation system. The clock on the monitor is flashing. Can’t have my plants dry out and die on me. I call up two landscapers…

.

 

I journal and begin my week 4 writing assignment for my Dare to Memoir class

.

P and I are on the phone finalizing his 4K costume order.

With all the pieces I picked out that exposes his upper body he feels like he needs to work out and get a tan. It’s cute hearing him sound all self-conscious.

.

I shower, tidy up, make a green smoothie for me and A, who’s coming over at 4.

.

A arrived at 4:32, giving me enough time to tinker with the green smoothie and tidy up the kitchen. I’ve been really good with keeping the kitchen clean. I think it means my head is clear.

.

It was A’s first time at the house, she was quite blown away by the silk and hoop (which I still need to get on).

.

(Just got sidetracked and went on to yelp, turns out there’s an aerial dance studio in Berkeley, I need to look into that. If you know of anyone who can give me private aerial hoop or silk lessons that would be amazing.)

.

Over green smoothies and walnuts, we got caught up.

She had a stroke last October and almost died.

I wish I had recorded her talking about her near death experience.

How she saw ..

 

 

Right after I walked A to her Uber..

4:44 was the time flashing on the irrigation system when I checked it 14 minutes ago. It’s 7:14pm now..

 

I walked past the “danger” red tape and up to the cut trees. When I saw the birds flying around their torn down home, my heart sank.

.

It was a blood orange sunset.

.

I made myself a very hearty salad.

.

I finished and posted my writing assignment exactly at midnight.

 

What I consumed: Lemon water, brain tea, a ton of dark chocolate dipped in pistachio butter; a green smoothie & walnuts shared with A; a giant salad I made, a Fuji apple and more chocolate and pistachio butter

What I bought: 3 tank tops and 3 pairs of shorts at Alo; swimsuits on sale at Lascivious Lingerie

 

 

Friday, August 10, 2018 2:02pm

Berkeley – Moon Room

 

Dear You,

My energy is coming back. I had 7 1/2 hours of sleep. And for the first time this week I wasn’t woken up by the sound of trees getting chainsawed.

.

When I wrote out my morning pages, I had an insight on how to smooth up the 3rd and 4th page of Pervette. I’ll work on that today.

.

I had this energy and sudden urge this monring  to get back to a handful of friends who have been wanting to hang out. So I scheduled 6 teatime hangouts (2 hours each) over the next 3 weeks. I stacked 3 hangouts back to back next Saturday so that I have to keep within the 2 hour alottment. I was also very explicit with the timing when I sent out the texts. For example, “I’m free next Saturday from 2-4, would that work for you?”

I’m trying to get better at setting boundaries with my time.

.

Since being depleted, I’m becoming very aware of how limited my time and energy is.

.

I only have so many words in a day.

I only have so much energy in a day.

I only have so many hours in a day.

How do I want to spend it?

.

It’s interesting how I don’t have that much energy for sessions. I think I can do 2 hours a week. My max is 4 hours. Is this what Tim Ferris meant when he talks about the 4-hour work week?

.

I mean I should be sessioning more because I’m starting at 0. But I can’t.

It’s like some new part of me is growing and steering the ship and it’s saying FOCUS.

On Pervette.

.

M just emailed, apparently the editor of the London Times wants her to cut out the dominatrix piece in the beginning and end of the article. It’s too racy.

.

The article was supposed to come out this past Monday, but thanks to my racy parts, I have time to work on Pervette and get it into some decent shape.

.

It’s 2:15pm. I have all of today to work on Pervette (and take care of myself).

.

The tree cutting has stopped.

.

I’m in my tank top and undies at the computer as my gardener pops up the patio steps mowing and blowing. I stay seated as we casually chat about the dry plants. He does a great job of pretending like I’m not in my underwear.

This has happened so much, it’s not that weird anymore. I don’t think

 

3:33pm

 

I’m really digging this new salmon pink color I found. It’s making the font pop more.

.

I think I might smoke a little. It’s been a while since I’ve smoked. Like 3 days.

 

5:44pm

Note to you to remind me:

 

I need to keep on doing this.

Giving myself a whole day

All to myself

And my passion

Pervette

.

Because it feels soooo good

.

This is food for my soul

.

Every minute I work on Pervette, I’m that much closer to my dream

.

Please help me

Stay focused.

.

 

And for my next trick..

I’m going to make

the book

come

alive.

.

 

I’m going to make

my art

a

possibility.

.

For change.

.

..

 

?

That’s the ?

Who am I ?

Who are you ?

And who are we?

 

.

 

Oh fuck.

I am you.

You are me.

And we are we.

 

..

 

I think poetry is just editing words

down to its essence.

.

Girls, pillows are your friends.

Especially in photoshoots.

They make the best props.

To lean on..

Do you want to make beautiful sexy pillows with me?

Satin, silk, lace, and other interesting photogenic textures

Embroidering messages on the edges

To lean on..

.

I think I should trademark Pervette

And copyright too.

If you know of a lawyer

Please send them my way.

Thank you.

 

I should add that to my wishlist.

Since I’m starting at 0.

 

.

Speaking of wishlist

It’s updated.

.

I know what’s happening.

The more I write to you.

The more I practice writing.

.

I’m trying to be more clear and direct with words.

Writing to you has helped me.

The practice builds confidence.

.

Oh my god I just went down a rabbithole

Amazoning a zafu and zabuton

.

Should I take another course reading the Buddhist scriptures with my hero Gil Fronsdal ?

.

I just got accepted to another vipassana retreat. It’s a week long and starts 3 hours after I get out of the other week long vipassanna.  I should pick one. Not two. That would be crazy, right?

.

 

I just got an email from Amazon regarding my zabuton purchase.

My credit card got denied.

Oh fuck.

.

I’m totally starting at 0.

Or negative 17K.

.

I guess I should add that zabuton to my wishlist..

.

Idea for photoshoot tomorrow: write words on bodies, photo/videograph it

syllable by syllable

monosyllabic words are ideal

For example

Un

Wife

Able

 

.

 

Oh wow.

If I talk you in my head.

And I write it out here.

I don’t even need to talk to you.

.

 

What if there’s always ONE day out of the week

Where I get high and pervette

.

Would that be the most interesting day out of the week

to tune in?

 

.

 

I only think that now because I’m high.

 

.

Working on Something Different

page..

 

 

 

It’s not just the words

 

 

It’s the

 

space

 

 

between them.

 

 

.

 

I’m tinkering with the spaces.

 

.

 

That’s why it takes this long.

 

To create a page.

 

And make it feel alive.

 

Once it feels alive.

It comes alive.

 

.

It’s 7:44, time to go for a walk and catch the sunset.

.

10:00pm

 

It was a glorious sunset.

.

I made some tacos.

Losing a little steam on Pervette now.

.

 

I watched the renew breakup bootcamp teaser A sent.

It has a little segment where I take off my veil.

I rewatched it probably 11 times, trying to see if you can make out my face or not.

.

 

Then I tinkered with my bio on the Renew Breakup Bootcamp website.

What do you think?

 

DR. COLETTE PERVETTE, PHD
Colette is an educatrix. She is a professional dominatrix, where she has been practicing the art of intimacy and power exchange for over 13 years. She holds a PhD in education from UC Berkeley, where her research focuses on conceptual change. Colette will guide a session on unlocking the application of power dynamics. And she will teach you how to ‘channel your inner Domme‘ so you can live, love and connect from a place of power.
.

I think I want to brand myself as an educatrix.

..

 

12:02am

 

I’m tired. I think I’m done for the day.

I tinkered with a few pages

Yes

Let’s Act

Something Different

Why Follow

Rememoiring

.

I created

Come Together

.

 

Tomorrow I’m going to add a more to Come Together

Maybe direct access to my email

.

 

And i need to field all the questions

I received

And work on the Domme Guide

.

 

Okay

 

Good night you.

 

Saturday, August, 11, 2018 11:44pm

 

Dear You,

 

Whoa. Are you feeling slow and wonky?

Me too.

It’s the solar eclipse.

 

I should move slowly and rest…

 

Even though I’m picking P up at 1 and have a photoshoot at NEMA at 2.

 

.

I was laying on the biomat with Cutie sitting on my heart.

 

P calls from his way to the airport.  He says it feels like it was only yesterday he was here and somehow it feels like forever.

I feel the same way too.

.

It’s been less than 100 hours since he saw me.

.

Then Dad calls, it’s hot everywhere except Berkeley he says. He’s been checking his weather app.

.

D texts, he’s taking off now. I gotta go shower..

And gather, veils, sheepskin, and books for the shoot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I put inside me: Lemon water, 2  1/2 salmon tacos I made with S2’s salmon, tomatoes, avocado, romaine lettuce, grated parmasean cheese (from Italy for it to be Plant Paradox-friendly) Siete Habanero sauce, Fix sriracha, and Siete cassava tortilla ; green smoothie I made with avocado, romaine lettuce, spinach, lemon, mint from garden, Nunatural monk fruit; Primal Midnight Coconut chocolate dipped in Rawnut pistacio butter, 1/2 avocado taco, 1 duck egg taco (similar to salmon taco sans salmon); Marin lemongrass ginger kombucha, tons of vitamins, more pistachio butter

Tinctures: Self-Love, Genius Juice, Sexuality Essence, Witches Bitches and Hos, Artistic Soul: Cymbiotika DHA

What I (thought I) bought: a zafu and zabuton set on Amazon for $103

 

Back to my previous week

Back to when you said yes