Sunday, July 1st, 2018 6:23pm

Round Table

 

Dear You,

My gosh so much has happened since I last wrote to you, I’m not sure where to begin. Like should I tell you what happened yesterday here in today’s entry? Or should I go back to yesterday’s entry and expand it out?

I think I might go back to yesterday’s entry. And note the date and time of when it was written, so at least you know that it’s written from a little distance.

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Oh, just so you know, I am going back to my older entries and editing slightly, and sometimes adding more detail to my day. And maybe even adding a link to a whole other page just to expand upon a thought or inspiration.

Or I might even add a picture or video, or even an audio recording of that sound.

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If I share with you my lived experiences, I might as well make it immersive..

I’m also doing this for myself as well. Because my memory fades

And I don’t want to forget the details that matter to me.

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Like how when She left, she left three candles burning: one on her altar in her room (upon inspection, as it turns out, she didn’t completely pack up, her room is still beautifully made up); another candle next to my Guan Yin statue by the front door; and another in front of my other Guan Yin statue in the foyer. She always had a candle burning in the house. That and flowers everywhere.

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Going back to the previous thought.

I realize this whole process of journaling to you and editing is kinda the process of  what writers do

They go back and edit.

And that’s probably what perfectionist writers do

Because there’s always a better way of putting it.

And that’s what perfectionist writers who are sensitive to abandonment do

They make sure no one and nothing feels abandoned

Not even their own writing.

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In this way it keeps with the theme of Pervette

That everything is always evolving.

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And besides my fast and dirty writing is pretty crappy, as I re-read it

It helps (me sleep better) to go back and clean it up.

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(P2 just arrived, with a bag of Have a Corn chips. I haven’t touched the last 3 bags he brought, since I’m lectin-free now. He’s taking out the trash and sweeping as I write).

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I actually think it’s the details that I leave out at first

And decide to add later

That are the more interesting.

Because when I write to you I start to become aware of what I leave out.

Which makes me more conscious of my “considerations”

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Like I didn’t really mention until now

That I smoked toad venom twice this week

(just a micro-dose)

Didn’t want you to think I’m an addict or something

I did it

Not because I was bored or anything

I was just trying to break through my ego

My self-ishness

So that I can see reality for what it is

And tell Her

With my tears and snot

I’m sorry

For all the suffering I caused You

I love You so much

I love You so much

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The nice thing about life is that we get to choose our addictions

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I choose self-love (which sometimes look like narcissism)

And healthy food

And books

And vitamins

And tea.

 

And recording everything.

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Oh by the way, I’m just slightly high on Jack Frost

(my favorite creative strain)

That’s probably why you’re getting more of my meta stream.

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Do I sound different when I’m high?

Most people (including myself) can’t tell when I’m high

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I know I get more excited about writing when I’m high

But the goal is to get excited without the crutch

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If I were to guess how much of my day in the past week I’ve been revealing to you, I would say it’s somewhere around 44 to 55%

I want it to be more.

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Now on to my day…

I woke up this morning, staring at the crack in between my curtains, the light coming is looked unusually golden.

I was up late till 2 working on a new page 3 on Pervette. It was 8:16 when I woke up, I probably should’ve slept in. But there was no way I could with that strange light poking through.

I opened the curtains.

Holy fuck. I’ve never seen the sky so beautifully misty in this pink golden haze. It was unreal. Or more like apocalyptically surreal.

I put on a light jacket, grabbed my phone and recorder and went out my bedroom door into the backyard, and through the backyard door into the field. I just walked a few feet up and was taken aback by the sun. It was a giant glowing orb hovering really close to the ground. I started taking pictures of it. I walked down my usual trail. The sky was misty and orange. I can’t remember ever seeing the morning sky like this. I couldn’t stop taking pictures and videos of the sun on my walk to my tree and secret spot. Once I reached my tree, the magical mist was gone. It seem to only be hovering at the top of the hill where the house was. So I walked back. And sure enough I was back in the mist. It was so dewy under the trees it felt like I was walking through a tropical rain in the twilight zone. I need to go for morning walks more often.  I feel like I live in a magical forest that I don’t take advantage of as much as I should.

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I think I stopped doing my morning walk to the secret spot around the time She moved in. It was getting wet and colder. And we were creating our own morning ritual together, sitting around the round table with our lemon waters. She would make us a yummy hot drink, we would toast to something, chat for a while. Sometimes we would take turns reading out loud a chapter from the Gene Key (book).

Every time we read the Gene Keys together, I can feel its transmission downloading into my body. It’s insane.

I highly recommend you pick up Gene Keys by Richard Rudd, open it up to any page and read slowly.

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When I came back from my morning sun walk, I was about to text Her a picture of the orange sun. But she beat me to the punch, he had just texted about the gym equipment getting moved another day. At the end of the text She said, I love you.

I sent her a picture of the sun.

And I asked her if she’s seen the key for the Audi.

It turns out she packed it in her bag on accident. I thought so.

….

While puttering on my phone, I learned that:

There’s a fire in Yolo and Napa County. Ohhhh that explains the crazy looking orange sun this morning.

“UCLA professor dies in mummification ritual at Hollywood executive’s home” I read that article. That’s terrible. I guess there were no safewords or gestures when he was mummified. I’m relieved to see that at least the play partner, Skip Chasey, wasn’t charged with involuntary manslaughter.

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I wrote out my morning pages in the library.

My lover A was in my dream last night. We were at some google headquarters-like school. We were in different classes on different levels. My abrupt getting out of bed to chase the sun made me forget the rest of the dream.

The library is beginning to overwhelm me. I have so many amazing books I want to read, it hurts..in an embarrassment-of-riches kind of way and also this ADHD thing doesn’t help. I also thought about my aerial silk and hoop that I had put up in the house 2 years ago and how I had so many visions of myself mastering it and putting on a performance for all my friends at my birthday party. That never happened. I wonder if it’s too late.

I want to do everything right after my morning pages. The voice in my head tells me I should read. I should climb the silk. I should pray and meditate. I should make some tea. It’s all too much. I climb into the orgy room sofa and masturbate and write out the 3rd morning page.

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My god my tenses, my past, my present are all over the place.

I’m sorry

When I recall something it’s almost like I’m there again.

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After 5 orgasms and my morning pages, I pray to Guan Yin, which got me really present, and I sank into a mini meditation at the altar.

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If I had only meditated more in the past week..

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I OCD clean. With the Dyson handheld, I vacuum all the corners and crevices of the kitchen.

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I made 2 plantain pancakes, finishing out the last of the batter. I’m obsessed with these pancakes.

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When I step out of the shower, I realize that I’ve been dilly-dallying,  I have a guest arriving in 20 min.

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Somehow I manage to get ready and tidy up the moon room just in time.

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At 1pm, Q arrived. This was our first time meeting each other in person. We had talked for the first time over the phone 2 weeks ago.

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She came with a gift, a cute little bottle of herbal berry whey from Iceland. How did she know that I love this kind of stuff?

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I make us a matcha maca concoction, with vanilla bean and a ton of coconut oil, mixed in with some frothy coconut milk. It turned out okay, phew! And she liked it.

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She said made a Colette Pervette branding deck for me.

What? I’m a little blown away by how thoughtful and generous and prepared she is.

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She thinks I’m really good at branding and must know a lot about it.

I tell her no not really, I just grew up obsessed with Hello Kitty and Sanrio.

And I study things that catch my attention.

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She says she’s been enjoying going through Pervette. She found my journal entries through some other back channel than the Hello page.

Really? I’m always surprised to hear about how people end up on certain pages in Pervette. It baffles me when they find these pages in non-obvious ways. I know I created these links, at some point, but I forgot..

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I tell her I’ve been trying the Plant Paradox diet.

Oh I know, she says, you wrote about it a lot earlier in the week.

Oh yeah, that’s right.

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I tell her it’s been an emotional week.

She knows, she read about it as well.

Oh, right. So you know..

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We both commiserated on how amazing and brutal relationships with another woman can be.

It’s a completely different set of complexities than being with a man.

The way we can get each other is a new high.

But on the flip side, we woman can act pretty vicious on the most subtle energetic level.

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I like how I don’t have to have to explain why I’m so out of it.

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She got me mixed up with L, another sexworker friend of mine with great branding, whom I’m actually in love with.

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We sat in the moon room and went over the deck she created..

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(More to write)

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After Q takes off, P2 arrives.

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P2 thinks Cutie is this deaf mute quadriplegic, who may not be able to move or talk, but there’s something alive in there, he says.

I totally agree.

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If you like Slowdive, you’ll probably like Star Horse, P2 suggests

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P calls to check up on me, as he’s on his way to Erewhon

Every time he calls, he’s on his way to and from either Whole Foods or Erewhon.

He can tell I’m doing well.

Oh I’m just making a salad. And P2 is in the background taking pictures of Cutie.

He’s looking forward to seeing me tomorrow.

He tells me to pack my passport, just in case.

What’s going on? I ask

Let’s just say pack your vitamins.

What? Should I pack 4 books or more?

Pack 8, he tells me.

Nah, I’ll just do 4 and buy more if I need to.

There won’t be any books in English where you’re going.

Aww, c’mon, what’s going on?

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P2 gives me a a tiny piece of cardstock paper that he painted with orange and yellow watercolor. On it is a quote:

“A thought that is born of creativity is already a work of art, a sculpture”  -Joseph Beuys

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Which reminds me, I need to watch the Beuys documentary when it comes out on DVD

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I palo santo the house. This reminds me of Her.

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P2 said he thought about what S, my coke dealer friend said about him to me.

How you were a sweetheart and deserved a reward?

Yeah.

I told him I’ll give you a doggie treat.

Oh. I had another idea for a reward.

What’s that?

That you would watch Eric Rohmer’s Full Moon in Paris with me.

Tonight?

If you have time.

Yeah. We can start it..

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I’m so glad we watched the first part of Full Moon in Paris. I’m in love with the quirky protagonist. Who kinda reminds me of me. She’s a free-spirited gal who just wants a place of her own, separate from the place she shares with her boyfriend.

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I’m so curious how Eric Rohmer does it. The dialogue in his films feel so improvisational and yet the seemingly unscripted conversations cut at the nuances of daily life and the complexity of relationships.

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I went through a Rohmer phase in my last year of college. I feel like I should revisit his films now that I’m older and have gained more experience in relationship.

Back then I only had been in 3 relationships.

Since then I’ve been in about 40?

The numbers add up when you’re non-monogamous.

 

Monday, July 2nd, 2018

9:34am

 

I woke up around 8:16am. Going to LA today today. Supposedly P and I are gonna drive back up in the Tesla Thursday morning. So I’ll be gone for just 2 1/2 days.

TO DO list:

-Do laundry

-Pack: toiletries, clothes for 3 days, vitamins, tinctures and oils, books, notebooks, computer, eternal hard drives, passport, Cutie, snacks, mushroom chocolates, etc.

-Tidy up the house

-Water orchids

-Pay bills

-Make green smoothie

I’m gonna pack 4 books. I’m feeling David Shield’s Reality Hunger, Don Miguel Ruiz’s The 3 Questions, Modern Women’s Many Moons Workbook and Maggie Nelson’s The Argonauts.

P texts me a link to a google image search results of Viceroy Cabo with a pondering emoji.

Hmm..indeed. I guess I should pack for Cabo too. I add three bathing suits into my carry-on,  just in case.

Although I’m not totally feeling it.

But then again, I won’t say no to a spontaneous trip to Mexico.

Gonna pack 3 notebooks: my pink hologram Pervette ideas notebook, my journal notebook that I’m almost done with and another journal notebook that I started and abandoned a few years ago, entitled, “Thought and Ideas and Stuff”

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My past three journaling notebooks were written in old notebooks that I started and abandoned at an earlier point.

I don’t want to leave a notebook hanging

It’s actually kinda fun to go back. .

 

(More to write on going back)

 

3:18pm 

Seat 7A in Jetsuitex 

I love flying JetsuiteX. I can arrive 10 min before my flight takes off. There’s no TSA hassle, and I can carry all the liquids I want, including a giant jar of green smoothie. 

Not having to arrive an early before my flight gave me extra time to make a maca matcha hot drink and a green smoothie. And I had time to squeeze in a very productive a meeting with P3 on the Pervette documentary.

 

 

10pmish

Santa Monica

 

This is the edited logline P3 came up with for the documentary and emailed to me:

“Professional sex work explored through the cultural, political, educational and therapeutic lens. An engaging overview from the modern market to global sex trade dynamics, it’s ancient history and what the future may hold”

I said “That’s Great!” in replay. I realize now that I was not being impeccable in my speech. What I should’ve said was, That’s a great start.

Something is off about it to me.

Too cold, too clinical, too trite, there’s no emotional hook.

 

Tuesday, 5:41am

Santa Monica, CA

 

Dear You,

I’m up. I’ve been up since 4amish.  We had the sliding glass doors open. To keep the place cool. There was a mosquito buzzing in our ears and biting us. So P got up and turned on all the lights (all the way) to kill the mosquito. I crawled out of bed and onto the sectional in the living room, pulled the James Perse blanket over me to shield myself from the blinding light. He started turning on the heat to see if the building had switched over to AC yet. I didn’t know what he was talking about, but kinda annoyed that I had to both be under a blanket which was suffcating enough, and now it’s getting I didn’t think he would be able to find the mosquito, but he did.

“Tracking. Tracking. It’s on the monitor.”SMACK! He had a very thick double issue of Wallpaper in his hands. He didn’t get the mosquito, but with his force full two handed bug smashing technique, it did seem like he almost broke his monitor.  The he spotted the mosquito next to me by the glass door. SMACK! He got it.

Wow. Good job Mupps.

Yeah. I should’ve done it sooner before he bit me. But I knew it meant that I had to really get up.

What time is it? I ask

Oh shit. It’s 4:20!

Oh shitz! It’s dab o’ clock! I joke.

It’s my birthday!

Oh right! Happy Birthday Mupps! You’re 42 at 4:20am!

It really did call for a dab celebration. He went to the kitchen and pulled out his (super OCD style organized) dab rig and torch tray and poured himself a glass of water. And did a dab. He coughed, a lot. And drank a ton of water.

Oh yeah..Birthday dab! P is officially super high. He comes over and pulls the blanket off me. I’m curled up in my tank and underwear. Heyyy man! Can you not?. I sound like an annoyed 9 year old boy/

He laughs at my discomfort.

You know, he says, being with you is like having a child.

Yeah, But one you can fuck.

And abandon.

Yeah.

I think you’re all the kid I need, he tells me.

Me too. I feel the same way about you.

And just like that renewed our vowels to not have kids.

“How do people do it?” I ask.

“Yeah when I see my friends and their kids and what a clusterfuck it is, I don’t get it. Wy would they want to sign up for that?”

I know, and they’re so unappreciative of your time.

We love engaging in the no-kids-for-us talk. It’s our way of bonding, by reaffirming our aligned values (we’re pro-selfish) and it makes us really grateful for what we don’t have (i.e., energy and time-sucking kids) and do have (i.e., sleep, time to self, freedom) .

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He explains to me how ACHV unit in the building works. Something about a 2 pipe system and and at some point the building is going to switch out the hot water to cold water and that’s when we’ll have AC. Oh, I get it now.

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I think the building we’re in was once a hotel in the 70’s. It still looks and runs like one. Except for our unit, which was renovated last year. It’s an anachronistic feeling to go from the totally outdated lobby into our modern apartment. P says he feels like a very modest person living here. Yeah. I guess it’s modest relative to his St. Regis (in SF) and Midtown (in Tokyo) days. As I write this, I’m starting to notice a pattern, P has a penchant for high-rise apt buildings with a view, plus hotel accommodations.

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Being here on Ocean Ave overlooking the water makes me want to read Joan Didion.

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When we got into bed, P had his vape pen in his hand, so I decided to get high on Cherry Cheesecake, one of my favorite formulations from Level Blends.

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It’s 5amish and we still haven’t decided if we’re going to Cabo today or not.

P is leaning yes.

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That Cherry Cheesecake didn’t make me any sleepier. If anything, it made me want to get up and start writing  to you.

So here I am, writing to you.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

The night before I got 6

And the night before that was 6.

I seem to do okay on little sleep.

But right now I feel like I should probably go pee and try to get some sleep even though the sky is pretty bright

It’s 7:11am

9:00am

 

I slept for another hour. Then P got up to go to the bathroom. While on the toilet, he told me AP (short for Agent Provocateur) was having a sale for the next 24 hours. He’s checking his spam folder. Three flushes later, he came back to bed raving about his poopgasm.

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He was able to fall asleep. I was wide awake. And kinda curious to see if there was anything worth getting on AP.

But mostly, I was thinking about the meeting I had with P3. I’m realizing that they’re very particular about their vision. And I’m realizing after our meeting yesterday, it might not be fully aligned with my own. They want to do the interviews themselves. They did their thesis on Errol Morris’ interviewing style and is also very inspired by Werner Herzog, and wants to have long silences in their questioning to draw out the answers..their demeanor is very stoic and samurai-like.

I guess I’m concerned that the tone will be also very stoic and the opposite of warm.

I just think if the doc is called Pervette and we’re interviewing people who are my heroes, I want it to feel intimate..

I think the way I’ll work around it is still have P3 do their interviews with the big fancy camera and crew. But I’ll make a request that we keep the DSLR always rolling, and capture all the behind the scenes, of me chatting with my friends and intimates and heroes.

This goes against their Herzog-inspired minimal footage approach.

But it’s not wasted footage if it ends up being on Pervette, the website.

I want to suggest that we both do the interviewing to capture the range of emotions that can come through. For me, the interview will feel like a conversation that shows how we connect our thoughts and ideas and visions. For them, it’s something different, I imagine.

I think if it were to be a true collaboration P3 would be open to my ideas..

From a pancake-making incident and our meeting yesterday, I’m making an assumption (breaking the 4 agreements) that this might be tricky.

But I’m not gonna spend time worrying about it. I’m just gonna make a case that we keep the camera rolling, that I would like to do the interviews as well. Maybe we can break it up where we each have 30 min each. And experiment. What happens if they do the interview first and me second, or vice versa?

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P is up making plantain pancakes. It’s way too early for me to eat. I’m totally not hungry.

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6 minutes. That’s all it took to make these pancakes, P says, we have been marketed to. He quotes Michael Pollan, we have been led to believe that cooking is really hard and time-consuming.

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As P is eating his pancake he told me that he got an email from SA (short for Seeking Arrangement) saying his account got suspended. Maybe his credit card is acting up. He said the tone of the e-mail made it seem like he did something bad.

I try to sound outraged, “I mean do they know who you are? You’re the OG of SA. You’ve been on there since the beginning (back in 2008). And you’re also VIP on there.”

“I don’t know what you heard about me. I’m the motherfuckin’ VIP,” P sings some 50Cent song.

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It is interesting that on his 42nd birthday his SA account is shut down. Maybe it is a new era. Feels like he’s cutting out his addictions one at a time.

Last month it was sugar. This month it’s sugar babies.

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I just ate a plantain pancake and a half and now drinking my lemon water. My stomach feels funny. I’mnot used to putting food in my stomach at this hour.

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P puts on or blasts Taio Cruz. He starts doing this weird white guy thrusting his penis dance with his mouth agape. He says it brings him back to his Tokyo days picking up chicks at this one bar where the gaijin (foreigners) hang. They played the same 30 songs every night. He cues up Lady Gaga’s Poker Face, another classic of that era.

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I always overeat when I’m with P. He eats often, but like a bird. Since I’m Scrappy Mupps, I love eating his scraps. Which is like a second full meal.

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I’m gonna look into docs that inspire me and make a case to P3 to deviate from the Morris and Herzog dogma.

If I had it my way, the documentary will in some way subvert all the norms of what a documentary is.

I just gotta figure out what the norm is.

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P throws 3 giant blue bags of laundry, they land with a thug. It’s laundry day! Since there’s no washer/dryer in the unit, D gets all his laundry done by some pickup /dropo-ff service.

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I remember being quite inspired by The Act of Killing when I saw it a few years ago.

I like how the viewer had a sense of the presence of the director, Oppenheimer, and his relationship to his subjects.

 

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P drags the three blue bags behind him as takes off to go get a latte. We’re still on the fence about Cabo. I tell him, it’s his birthday, his pick. I’m down for the ride where ever we go.

11:03am

Whoa. I just watched the trailer of The Act of Killing, it opens with  “Errol Morris and Werner Herzog presents” How perfect.

And the way you can see him relate to Anwar, the main subject, I can see that being played out similarly with me and P3.

12:23pm

 

Just showered and made a vow to not make any more assumptions.

(Let’s see how far that goes)

How P3 makes pancakes may not be how she makes films.

How I collaborate with her in this doc is a test of how well I communicate.

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P returns with a box of Catalyst Cuisine snacks just got delivered. We bust open the Go Go energy balls and sweet potato chips.

We listen to that 50 Cent song.

P says the real status symbol is one’s freedom of time

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It turns out he can’t book same-day flights to Cabo on Delta, P found out because he tried to.

Now he wished he booked them yesterday.

We can always go tomorrow? I suggest.

That’s true, he says, Now I don’t want to go as much now that I still have the option.

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In the journal that I abandoned and restarted again, I flipped open to the page that contained the entry for July 3rd, 2016. It was this day 2 years ago. I read it out loud to P.

 

1:22pm

The Tuesday that feels like Saturday

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We’re listening to the new Cigarettes After Sex song, Crush, on repeat, unbeknownst to P.  I wonder how long it’ll take for him to notice it.

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The maids arrived. We need to GTFO. So we decided to check out the hiking trails in Topanga Canyon. I packed 2 books (The 3 Questions and The 500 Hidden Secrets of Los Angeles) a ton of snacks (walnuts, pistachios, energy balls, MoonJuice Rainbow Juice and Seed Crisps, fruit bars thingies and sweet potato chips), my phone, recorder, visor, sunblock and Cutie.

 

5:17pm

 

Dear You,

I’m back. That was an epic hike up the Temescal trail.  Even though we didn’t make it all the way (prolly a third of the way). It was hot with the sunblazing  right above us. Not unbearably hot, but pretty fucking hot especially with no shade and the ascent in the beginning was kinda tough. I wanted to quit a few steps in. But we stuck with it for a good mile or 2. We found a shortcut trail back down that dropped us off in the residential suburbs of Topanga. That was my favorite part, getting an architectural tour of the cute homes Next time wear shorts. And pack less snacks and books.

 

6:31pm

P just made funnel cakes and blueberry sauce (from the Plant Paradox cookbook). He made his own birthday funnel cake, with love.  And it was yummy..

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I’m playing around with the featured image of each post for the week. I’m thinking of doing a photo of the sky for that week. Since I take photos of the sun and sky almost daily.

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The featured image above was taken Sunday morning around 8:22am. It was taken just a little up the hill from my backyard. This was the reason why I jumped out of bed..

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7:24pm

Santa Monica

 

 

After he dabbed and I got high on Level, P and I just fucked. It was muppety at first, because we couldn’t stop laughing but then when he sank in, my tone changed, and it was exactly what I needed.

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The sounds you make when you’re getting fucked is a clear measure of how present and willing you are to let go in that moment.

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You can tell if a couple is into each other or not just by the sounds the fuckee is making.

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He says I’m tight. Oh good, I should be. I think it’s been like it’s been 3 weeks or so since we fucked.

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“I’m gonna knock the back out of it.”

“Uhh thanks, Mupps.”

I think he thinks it’s funny to be offensively unromantic to me.

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Why is it so satisfying to weird each other out?

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8:13pm

Santa Monica

 

The sun sets earlier here in LA than it does in the Bay Area.

 

 

 

With that as our view, it’s hard to pack our bags for Cabo.

I think we’re deciding to hang back. It’ll be nice for us to try to find a mupp routine here together.

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D just baked 2 PP chocolate chip cookies. It was so yummy. I dipped mine in goat milk. He drizzled his with the blueberry sauce we made for our funnel cake.

 

 

I had: 1 1/2 plantain pancakes P made, lemon water I made, green smoothie P made, Moon Juice seed crisps; Gogo energy ball, sweet potato chips, 4 salmon balls from Catalyst Cuisine; birthday funnel cake P made with blueberry sauce that I help make, pistachios, chocolate chip cookie P made, goat milk; sauteed sweet corn with shoyu, grilled conehead cabbage, sauteed spinach, charred japanese sweet potato, grilled norwegian saba from MTN

 

 Wednesday, July 4th, 2018 12:25pm

The OC

 

Dear You,

It’s been 11 days since I started writing to you and I feel like I’ve fallen terribly behind. There’s still a ton of details to be added to last Wednesday until now.

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Just drove down to my folk’s house in the OC. It felt strange driving in the opposite direction of where everybody’s  heading, which is towards the beach.

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When Q came over this past Sunday and told me she’s been reading my writing and really liked it, I learned that somebody’s actually reading my writing. From that point on, something shifted. I think it’s the way I relate to you. You became real to me. I wasn’t writing to nobody. I was writing to somebody, and that somebody actually thought what I was writing was interesting.

 

Since I’ve been writing to you, I feel like my mind has been swirling with all these things I want to share with you. Things that happened to me, things that I’m observing, things that I’m feeling, things that I don’t want to forget.

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When I write to you, I feel like I’m also writing to my future self, the one who will look back and recall that very day I wrote about. That’s why the details matter. What I ate, what the sky looked like, what I was feeling,

 

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Mom thinks I look skinny. I think that’s crazy, I’ve been eating like crazy and feeling pretty thick these past few weeks.

.

I’m setting my mom’s facebook on her 2 ipads and iphone.

1:53pm

My stepdad came back from Westminster with 20 sping rolls from Brodard. The wait for them was 2 hours. Jesus Christ Brodard is killing it. Mom used to think the owner of Brodard did some voodoo stuff to help her business boom.

 

I just ate 5 spring rolls, I can eat 3 more. What’s up with my appetite?I’ve been eating to a point of discomfort lately, I’m pretty sure I’ve expanded my stomach these past few weeks

 

.

My stepdad is showing us how to spot fake accounts on her friend requests, and how to wave back at people waving at you on messenger.

He offers me a bottle of GT’s Gingerade kombucha, something he’s been really getting into lately. I’m surprised that he’s into it. But it kinda makes sense. “It kinda tastes like a fruity beer, ”

.

My stepdad was telling me about his heart attack at the gym the other week.

 

2:36pm

 

My mom was looking at her FB photo. She thinks it was taken at the beach based on the black top she’s wearing. I texted my mom the photo (t of her from 1990, the one I used as her account photo and saved the photo to her phone.

Incidentally, my sis is at SFO heading down to the OC as well.

Talking to my sis about the comparison house we saw last week, looks like they’re having problems selling it. That’s bad news for us. The hilly road to our house is a deterrent, she thinks.

.

 

Her boyfriend just proposed to her with lifesaver gummies (wrapped in saran wrap) while he was taking her to SFO.

 

.

 

 

What I had: Samples of world’s best butter and cheese at the Santa Monica farmer’s market, lemon water; Brain and All-rounder tonic from Erewhon brought over by K; green smoothie D just made, square of primal chocolate 100% cacao chocolate from K, goat cheese from the farmer’s market and gluten free cracker, 6 spring rolls from Brodard , gingerade kombucha from R, plain but super yummy yogurt mom just made,

3:56pm

Done setting up mom’s Facebook on all her devices, perused through the library of my mom, snatched Richard Feynman’s Surely You Must Be Joking. I think his conversational writing will be a good influence on my writing to you. Thoroughly stuffed with Vietnamese food. Mom and R are heading down to Huntington Beach where his daughter lives. Her condo is right by the pier, prime spot to catch the fireworks tonight.

I’m heading back to Santa Monica.

We all leave house at the same time.

6:48pm

Santa Monica

Back at the apartment, where P is making Plant Paradox carrot muffins while I’m here writing to you. And eating a vegan romaine salad from Catalyst Cuisine. What the fuck is going on? I can’t stop eating.

Maybe I need to drink more water. Maybe I should get more sleep. I finally got 8 hours of sleep last night. I’ve been low on sleep these past few days, which makes me eat more to stay energized. I haven’t been taking my (14) vitamins a day. Or maybe I’m just smoking too much cannabis, which makes me get the munchies  It happens when I’m around P.

.

On the way back, P called.

Excuse me. Is there a mupp driving a Tesla at 82mph?

Uh yeah..

This is Big Mupp Brother calling. You gotta slow down little mupps.

P loves using his Tesla app to let me know that he knows exactly where I’m at and how fast I’m driving.

 

He’s got us covered on snacks for tomorrow’s drive up north. He just picked up a ton of ingredients and was just talking to his mom on his walk back from Erewhon. I wanted to go to Erewhon. I asked if he got the goat butter. He said no. Oh then I’ll make a stop to Erewhon on my way back.

.

I went to Erewhon to get a $6 stick of goat butter, and I ended up spending $345.47.

I can explain…

Every product I pick has a story..

.

I help P peel duck eggs for the deviled eggs. The recipe called for chicken eggs but P wanted to try the duck eggs he got. Being larger in size, ended up getting underboiled making the white part break apart as we peel the shell and scoop out the yolk.

.

We try again but this time we boil chicken eggs

Fireworks are going off at the beach, and sirens follow. We can see the trail of firework smoke in the air and the beach patrol cars and their lights going off as they get on the asses of the locals lighting their cakes an mortars. Happy Independence Day.

.

She texts me “Happy InTERdependence Day!”

.

P burns the side of the table with his torch as he’s lighting the dab rig and chatting with me about plans for tonight. Gotta go to Target to get a mini fridge thing to hold all our snacks for the car ride tomorrow and to supercharge the Tesla.

.

I just ate 3 deviled eggs. It was pretty yummy. I have definitely eaten to a point of discomfort.

.

P is now gonna make Addictive Caramalized Onions Bourban Bacon Jam and Brazilian Cheesy Bread. And Guacamole. Fuck me.

 

P laughs when he hears me whine in pain, and complain (in my muppety voice),  Aww man, I think I ate too much.

.

P cues up Drake’s new album since all the kids are raving about it.

“A wise man once said nothing at all”

I like that line.

.

In a day there’s about a hundred or so moments worth noting.

I feel like I want to record all of them here and share it with you. Just so know you.

.

Not only do I want to write about it. I want to take pictures, videos, and audio recordings and share all of them with you. Just so you can be there with me.

.

We’re removing thyme leaves from the stem.

.

P’s phone is on the island, a message notification comes in from “T SA/LA”

I can tell from his contacts notation that it’s a Seeking Arrangement chick.

T texted, I tell P

It took a sec for P to register what I said, to which he responds with an agitated and quick,”Cool.”

He knows I could probe him and ask, Who’s that?” but I don’t.

Not because I’m not curious. But because I can tell her respects h

.

 

 

 

9:16pm

 

As we’re cooking down the onions, we can see three sets of  fireworks going off, one over the ocean to the left of us,  one (in SaMo high school maybe?) in front of us and one in the hills to the right of us.

Buy ingredients. Prep. Cook. Eat muffins. Clean. Prep. Cook. Eat deviled duck eggs. Clean. Prep. Cook. Eat caramalized onions and cheesy bread. Clean.

 

Thursday, July 5, 2018 9:08am

Santa Monica

 

Packing up and heading out to get a cooler and heading up north, back to the Bay.

 

.

 

Friday, July 6th, 2018 11:44am

Berkeley,

Round Table-MuppHQ

 

Dear You,

My goodness, I have so much to share with you I’m afraid that I might not remember it all.

P just took off for the city.

.

Before he left, he planned out his day, which included going to Sur La Table and Whole Foods.

Note: We’ve gone to the grocery store every day since we’ve been together. P has gone to Sur La Table every day since Tuesday.

.

Today we’re making those carrot cake muffins (P wants to make them again but in smaller cup pans this time, that Texas muffin style cup pan he has really fucked up our first batch, too mooshy), broccoli puffs (P’s made them before and thinks they’re insanely good) and I kinda wanna try a mix and match of recipes, taking the sorghum (from the Sorghum Bowl), the halibut (from the Halibut with Mushroom Ragout and Lentils) and the asparagus, broccoli, okra and sweet potatoes (from the Perfect Roast Veggies).

.

It’s really neat to see how very differently we approach cooking.

P is very precise and deliberate. I’m more..improvisational? His way is replicable. Mine is always a one-off.

.

I think he thinks I’m whimsical. Which might be true.

I don’t think he quite sees what guides my choices. It’s not logic.

.

 

I woke up around 7 to go pee then crawl back, P did the same.

.

P2 hates my fascist toilets (as he calls them). He hates the way it knows when you’re coming near and salutes to you by lifting its lid. He has to unplug them every time he cleans them. I think it’s funny how much he hates them. And uses middle bathroom in the hallway downstairs because it’s the simple old school toilet.

.

I love my Toto toilets. They’re of the first upgrades I made to the house.

.

It was right after our trip to Tokyo in April 2016. The trip where we went to T & Y’s wedding in Kyoto, then threw our last party at his high rise apartment in Roppongi Hills then had the movers come 3 days later. It was our farewell to our time living in Tokyo. Everything there was so cute, clean, and convenient. I wanted to bring some part of that Japanesey  essence into our house in Berkeley. So I did my research, and got 2 Toto Neorest 750(?) for the 2 (out of 4) toilets that use in the house, one in the powder room (our only toilet on the upstairs level) and in our master bathroom.

.

These Toto toilet have warmed seats and a sensor, so when it senses you’re near, it (pleasantly) beeps, lifts up its lid, where there’s a subtle light underneath, and it does some pre-spray to the bowl to get it lubricated.

When you’re half asleep needing to go pee in the middle of the night (or around 7am for us) and barely wanna lift your eyes open, the functions above makes this whole experience quite seamlessly sleepy.

And it auto-flushes after you’re done and get up, no touching any flush button necessary. That means you don’t have to wash your hands (unless you got pee on your hands) and can just sleepwalk back to bed, with the warm glow of the toilet leading your path back to bed for you plop on in the bed and catch your second REM cycle.

.

P and I usually like to sleep not touching each other it feels too hot with out body hot combined.

But after our pee, I guess I wanted to snuggle, and he was feeling chilly, and my belly is a warm heater for him, so we cuddled, with Cutie sitting on his chest. I can’t imagine us feeling us any closer.

.

I remembered my second dream vaguely..going to a midnight film screening in a quaint theatre, 2 nights in a roll.

.

We got up late, at 9:45. I think we went to bed at 11:40 last night. P got up and put on his clothes, I asked him to crack the curtains open.. It’s a bright gray morning. He’s gonna go to Blue Bottle with his noteboook.

(break to make a hot drink concoction)

.

I got up, grateful that I had the house all to myself for the first hour of my day. I was also feeling quite good after 10 or so hours of sleep. I feel fully rested.

My body feels slimmer than yesterday. Which is very surprising because I couldn’t stop eating pistachios on the road trip yesterday. I was pretty sure after my gluttonous day of sitting in a car and non stop eating that I was gonna feel it today. But I actually felt great. I think it’s the sleep..

Whenever I get less than the amount of sleep that my body needs, which is at least 7.5, my body feels really thick and blah the next day. But when I get a good amount of sleep, my body feels slim and clean, like it did its job of thoroughly processing everything the night before. On top of that, I feel clear-headed, less foggy and more present. And I don’t feel like I need to constantly eat to stay alert.

.

Anyways, I felt great getting up, I made myself some lemon water, prayed to Guan Yin at my altar, did 10 push-ups, and meditated outside next to the 2 1 /2 ft Guan Yin (that She brought when She moved in) on the lower level backyard deck. Everything in the background was lush green and blooming.

.

It was only 12 minute sit but it was enough to stop my spinning mind (I was thinking about everything I wanted to share with you) and get me present and appreciative of how perfect the air was on my shoulders.

.

I need to meditate more.

.

I think I crossed almost everything off my morning ritual list:

-Record dream

-Brush teeth with opposite hand

-Make bed

-Do some deep breathing

-Lemoon water

-Morning pages

-Pray

-10 pushups

-Meditate

-Pervette (verb)

 

The only other two things on my list is to read and masturbate (which is optional)

.

I was plucking my unruly eyebrows and whiskers when P came back from Blue Bottle.

.

He showered while I went in and out the bathroom. He said we’ve been together ever since Monday.

Wow. That’s like 5 days. I can’t remember the last time we spent that many days continuously together.

He thinks it’s been since last November, when we were in Tokyo.

I think he was right. Wow, we made it to Day 5 and haven’t got tired/sick of each other and want our alone time yet. That’s amazing.

.

After making the shopping list for today, which had over 25 items. P turned on the volacano. He accidentally ordered the XL volcano bags, which are ridiculously long. He fills up a bag with Jack Frost. It’s 11:22am. It feels way too early to be smoking. But I can’t resist a filled bag of Jack Frost. Besides it might help with my writing.

.

I feel like getting super high and writing makes me get really tangential.

.

I see he just popped a Level tablingual. Then he pulls out of his back pocket, a vape pen, Oh what? My pen!

He takes a hit.

Jesus you just consumed flower, a tab-lingual and vape within 10 minutes..

I tell P I get so high when I’m around him. He says he likes to get the people around him high so he feels less awkward about being high all the time.

.

I think P’s final frontier (his last addiction) is cannabis. He uses it to self-soothe. He says he uses it to feel the way he thinks he should feel most of the time.

.

Hmm. Maybe I should not get high so much when I’m around him so I can set an example?

But the trouble is I really love the way we play and get all child-like and muppety when we’re high.

.

Once we were sufficiently high, he took off for the city to get lunch with his friends, then to head to NEMA to itemize all the furniture there and pack up his clothes, and then head back into the East bay to go to Sur La Table to get a electric food grinder and cupcake liners, then to the car wash.

.

Now I’m here writing to you..

All I know I that I was doing great after my meditation, and now I feel more high than I want to be.

Because I feel a little meandery in my writing. Maybe I should read Sacred Economics, masturbate, meditate and return to you after that.

It’s 2:22pm, the sun is out and the crazy bird has been hopping around and pecking at the window for the past hour or so or however long it took me to write this entry.

4:44pm

 

Dear You,

Wow. I feel different. I masturbated. And came about 5 or 6 times,  while reading the Many Moons Workbook. Since I was reading a book about moon magick rituals while masturbating, I’ll call what I did the past 2 hours a very fruitful Sex Magick Ritual. Setting the book down every time I was about to come and picking up the book again to read after my clit settled down.

.

I learned a lot about the various moon phases and how I can align magick and manifestation rituals according to the phases.

.

For instance we’re in the last quarter, waning moon. It’s a good time to rest, listen, go inward, detox, get rid of old stuff, physically and metaphorically, make space for newness.

.

My gosh, I still need to catch you up on yesterday, and the days before.

I also need to add more steps to the Domme Guide.

I also need to start creating the sub guide.

.

I’m so full on this ice blended mint maca drink I made.

5:11pm

P calls, he’s done getting all the ingredients (except for sorghum) at Whole Foods and Tokyo Fish Market. He’s heading back to make some delicious food with me.

.

I’m still trying to find a way to balance my time between being fully present for the day as it unfolds and writing to you about it. I feel like I’m constantly falling behind.

I feel like the photographer that wants to be in the moment while capturing it.

But with photography you just click (or press) away and there you have it. With writing, it feels I’m painting to you the picture in broad sketches.

7:03pm

 

P came home with groceries and a ton of Level products.

He blows the bamboo leaves off the deck around the hot tub and wipes the wipes off the underside of the hot tub lid. I love it when he puts in a little TLC into the house.

Mupps, check out my pee, it’s super bright yellow.

Mupps. Are you peeing in the hot tub?

Yeah. Check it out, chemtrails.

While he goes for a soak..

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I put in my body: lemoon water (10am), 5 pistachios, 2 cashews (oh btw, cashews are bad for you, I know it sucks, I love cashews) a filbert and walnuts from this nut assortment P’s mom Amazoned to him for his birthday since he told her he’s into nuts on his new diet; All Star Jack Frost flower, Level’s Cherry Cheescake vape-11am), a morning brain tea I make that consists of gotu kola, gingko biloba, rosemary and mint-11:30am; hot drink concoction I made with the new hemp protein, royal maca, mucuna puriens, gelatinized maca that I got at Erewhon; collagen peptides, Dandy Blend, a ton of cacao powder, golden milk blend, MCT oil, coconut oil, ghee, Himalyan pink salt, ginger, ceylon cinnamon, liquid stevia, vanilla bean powder, liquid vanilla extract, cayenne, and Moonbeli Calming Adaptogen blend, and foamed almond milk (came out not sweet and nutty, not bad)-1pm- had about 5 teacups; 14 pistachios, a bite of the carrot cake muffin P made-1:44pm, finished the rest of the muffin at 2:35pm; added ice, a frozen banana and fresh mint form the garden into the rest of the (formerly hot) drink concoction and made an ice blended mint maca drink at 4:25, had about 4-5 cups; more Jack Frost when P came home, 5 ounces of halibut P got at Tokyo Fish Market that I seared and baked, brussel sprouts that I made which weren’t crispy enough, and 2 slices of walnut bread P made.

 

Saturday, July 7th, 2018 10:02am

Round Table

 

Dear You,

I can’t keep up. I mean I’m still gonna write to you. But I can’t keep with all the details I want to share with you, so you can really get a sense of what my day and life is like. In the past 3 days you’re getting about 6% of my day. There’s so much to tell you. I think I need a full day or two of doing absolutely nothing but writing to you.

That’s not to mention that I still need to work on the logline of the Pervette documentary

And the Domme Guide

And the Sub Guide

And page 3 of Pervette

And I need to get back to 50 people or so who..

How do I stop feeling behind?

.

I woke up today feeling good and my face looked taut and refreshed. Was it the 7.5 hours of sleep?Or that new hive-centric facial moisturizer I got at Erewhon? Or the drink that I made that had everything that was good for me in it? What did I have or not have (more vitamins, less less nuts)? Or maybe it was all the masturbating and coming I did? Maybe it was a combination of everything above. I should definitely repeat.

.

If I can record just what I eat daily, I might be able to recall that day perfectly

.

I think I’m going to copy Maria Soledad’s idea of having Monday be Hibernation Day, no phones, no emails, no social media, just my day to rest and catch up on my writing.

 

4:44pm

 

Back from Napa. That was a nice brunch at A’s summer house in St. Helena, met 2 people who will be in our Burning Man camp, got tips on on how to make lemon water from the chef there (simmer the lemon slices to get the oils as well), and got burning man tips on how to fly in without needing to charter a plane from A, since A is going to Burning Man on Tuesday (fly in and fly out) and will   Sufficiently high (I feel like I smoke way too much when I’m around P)

Just realized I’m going to to NY in 10 days.

Gotta set up interviews.

Now gotta work on the Pervette doc logline.

 

11:55pm

On the biomat in the moonroom

 

Dear You,

Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna give you the bulletpoints of my day. That way I can go back tomorrow (or another day) and expand it later. This way I won’t forget the highlights.

-early morning, alone time as P blue bottles, sitting on her zabutan and zafu with a glowing cup of lemoon cayenee water on the circular bench outside, the air was perfect

-P sneaks home and surpises me from the rooftop, he comes down and hops in his hot (pee) tub.

-I bet him $1000 it’ll take less than 10 minutes to get through the car wash

-P makes plantain pancakes as I shower

-out the door no later than 10:30am P plans

-are you wearing those cargo zip-off pants to A’s pool party?

-in the car by 10:46 P lectures on how bad I am with time

-we swing back around for his vape pens (I get my batteries for the recorder)

-the car wash (or the lack thereof) incident

-we arrive at A at 12:19 when brunch starts

-A’s wide looks like a sexy preggers first lady

-we plan a sexy preggers momma photoshoot for her

-I want her giant statement sunhat

.

I think I’m getting too detailed, going broader

.

-P and I both wanted to exit at the same time

-A thought we were staying the night

-what’s the guy to girl ratio at the acid party monday?, i ask A

– I can’t help it, when I’m on psychedelics I need to take off my clothes

-the core electrolytes water bottle incident at circle K

.

While P naps, I email A:

Oh my god, Burning Man is happening! All thanks to you!

Thank you soooo much for making the process so gentle and seamless for us (esp for my first time 🙂

Just realizing we gotta start ordering costumes!

Can you send me the links of the burning man costume places that you were showing me when we were at NEMA?

Like what was the name of the site that had Domme-y nighttime attire?

And there was some etsy store that some hologramic pieces.

And your default outfit place?

So excited!!

xoxo

.

Incomplete e-mail draft to P3:

P3,

I was doing some research on loglines and have been thinking about the essence and slant of Pervette (which we should discuss when we meet next) and took a stab at the logline. Here’s what I got (so far) and I’ll explain it below:

Logline:

A documentarian follows a veiled dominatrix to uncover the layers of myth and taboo of kink and sexwork. Collecting the wisdom of sexual healers, artists and educators, the film unpacks the sociopolitical forces that keep the “intimate exchange” underground. 

Explanation: I wanted to give a clear sense of who the protagonist is and we get a sense of your relationship (as the documentarian) to me, the protagonist. It’s in the active voice and also states the goals, which is to unpack the mythology and misconceptions of sex work and kink. There’s a slight bit of irony and it feels more high stakes. But most importantly it gives us insight into who/what the doc is about and its flavor. 

Frame: I was thinking a lot about our relationship in the documentary and how that will be played out or represented. I was also thinking about all the ways a documentary can be framed and what’s the best approach we can take to make the story interesting and balanced, and at the same time different. Somehow the doc, The Act of Killing, came to mind (which incidentally was produced by Errol Morris and Werner Herzog). Have you seen it? I like how throughout the doc, you get a sense of the director, Oppenheimer, and his inquisitive and centered presence next to/behind the camera and his relationship to the protagonist, Anwar. 

I think that’s the tone and balance that would be nice to strike in Pervette. Where we have the dynamic of an unbiased outsider (you) and an expert insider (me, the Domme with a PhD).

Theme: I think if I can boil down the essence of Pervette, as in my website project and who I am as a person, and possibly this doc as well (if you see fit), it’s about INTIMACY and our relationship to it. 

I also had the idea that in addition to your Errol Morris-style formal interviews, we capture the informal interviews I do with my friends, allies, and heroes. As in we keep the tiny dslr camera rolling to capture the moments of me interacting with others. I know you want to keep the footage Herzog-stlye minimal, but here I’m making a case for doing the opposite. I think the behind the scenes footage will be valuable…

(That’s what I have so far, need to go back and edit and add a little more or cut out some & bring it up in person instead)

.

I continued working on the e-mail as P made Lemon Poppy Seed cake.

.

Lemon Poppy Seed Cake is insanely good

.

The vegetable steamer tray incident

.

How fast can we get out of this state? I ask

Pretty fast, P shows

.

 

.

I pack some for a drive to the Lookout point

Blasting Cardi B

.

Back home, I make more halibut, with lemon butter and coconut flour. Nailed it.

I’m officially the a-fish-ianado

.

P puts his broccoli puffs and I put my fish in the oven at the same time, mine came out faster (again)

.

P drags me away from the table with lemon poppy seed bread

We binge watch Masterclass trailers

P wants to watch the rocket ship episode in the space exploration masterclass

.

Pedagogical ideas for my MistressClass

.

The large black frame of the space launch videos are good inspo for Pervette frames

.

2 mupps, 1 (bio)mat, cool night breeze,

P digs into my psoas muscle, yoouch!

.

Day 6 together, getting too close, to each other’s nerves..

.

I want to record all the conflict and tension that comes up between me and P, that’s the most interesting and teachable moment

.

We clean as we cook.

.

You say I’m all the child you need, so of course I’m not gonna be adult 100% all of the time

.

Today was all about P getting on my case about how bad I am with time and my attachment to things

.

And how fast we can state change from quibbling adults to mupps making fun of ourselves

.

P’s Daily Mix 1 was really good

.

I need my hibernation day soon, I need my alone time from P

.

The weather today was so perfect

 

What I put in my body: lemoon water-7:45am; sip of green smoothie P made- 9am; 1.5 plantain pancake P made-9:45am; primal chocolate midnight coconut- 11:10am; walnut bread P made yesterday-11:20am on the way to A’s place in Napa;

 

Theme of this week:  Green Smoothies everyday, Homemade Snacks! Snack bag for the rode (to Berkeley, to Napa, to Lookout Point), Tons of cooking,

 

To my previous week

Down the rabbithole