Sunday, July 8th, 2018 1:11pm

Round Table

 

Dear You,

I made it to Week 3 of writing to you. I know I’m fairly behind in catching you up with all the details of each day. There’s always more to say.

But to catch you up briefly on the past 2 weeks,

I went through a “transition” (not calling it a breakup) with an intimate friend.

She needed a place to stay and a car after her breakup, so I had Her move in with me. That was last November.

Since we were living together, we got really close. We joked at times that this is our first lesbian-like relationship.

(At some point I want to write more about the nuances of being with a woman and how incredibly different and amazing it is to be with someone who “gets you” only in the way that a woman can)

I loved our honeymoon. But in the last few weeks or maybe months, I was quietly going crazy. Mostly because I needed my space.

I felt like I couldn’t think straight.

I told her I needed my space for a few days. She took it as a sign to move out.  A series of crosstalk happened on that Thursday of the Full Moon. I wasn’t clear in what I was communicating. And I was hearing what I thought I heard from Her. And so She thought I wanted Her to move out right away, which isn’t what I wanted. But we only realized that just as She was leaving. So it all happened really abruptly (in my mind) when She packed up and left on Friday, the 29th.

There was still so much love, even in our goodbyes.

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And in that my space that I finally got back,  I was able to see myself more clearly. And the incredible relationship we had, and the part I played in its subsequent breakdown.

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P said it only took me a day to rebound.

This is different. It’s not a breakup. Because I know it’s not the end.

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That was Week 1, which was 2 weeks ago.

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Beginnings and endings are arbitrary.

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Week 2, which was 1 week ago

I spent the first half with my partner, P, in our place in Santa Monica

We celebrated his birthday last Tuesday and took a road trip back to our house in Berkeley on Thursday.

(We currently have 3 homes, one in Berkeley, one in Santa Monica, and one in SF, which we will be downsizing in the very near future)

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It’s Day 7 of living and being with P. An unexpected experiment. It’s going relatively well. This morning as I was writing out my morning pages, I was pretty sure I was very ready for my alone time. I still am. But now I feel less anxious. I think it was the three low level tense incidents that we had yesterday (which quickly got dissolved) that made it so that I can now hear P’s critical voice in my head.

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I just spent the past 2 1/2 hours compulsively cleaning the pantry closet. I wish I had taken a before photo so I can show you how much I cleared out.  I filled 5  grocery bags with lectin items: 8 different kinds of rice, pasta, noodles, granola, beans, regular flour, coconut sugar, chia seeds. Giving it all to all P2 since he still eats grains. I also cleared out and am giving away most of the wine and liquor. I must of cleared out 2/3 of the pantry. Now I can’t stop staring at how clean and aesthetically pleasing all the spacious shelves look.. This is one of the reasons why I love cleaning. It’s so satisfying to see how I can change my space and make space.

This whole cleaning thing is aligned with the waning moon phase, according to the Many Moons workbook (which I still need to read more of).

But really I think it was subconsciously spawned from the “vegetable steamer” incident last night and the tension that P and I have had (for as long as we’ve been together) over his belief that I some mental condition that makes it so I don’t know how to let go of things.

Yes, I’m a collector. Or as P would call it, a hoarder. By his insane OCD standards, I am a hoarder.

But I think I’ve made great progress in the past 4 years. I really turned a corner at the beginning of 2014. But in his eyes, which are very hyper critical lens, it’s never enough. I could always be getting rid of more stuff.

He forgets that he’s on the opposite end of me. If you ever peered into his closet or cabinets, the spareness of the items in there would remind you of that Jason Bateman character from American Psycho. When I first met him, I thought it was so fucking creepy how unlived in his place looks. He loves throwing away things, barely used kitchen appliances, camera equipment, things you wouldn’t imagine tossing in the trash can, he would. Because apparently it’s too inconvenient to actually give it away or to Goodwill it. His ex told me that after reading the birthday card she got for him, he shredded it in the paper shredder right in front of her. The point is we’re very different when it comes to things. I’m somewhat attached to mine,  because I treat everything as if it’s alive. I can part with things if I know it’s going to a better place or it will be used or consumed. P, on the hand, can abandon anything with glee.

This tension is one of the reasons why we’re not living together.

While P was in the shower, I started clearing out the pantry while making a second of pancakes. When he came upstairs and saw what I was up to, I think he actually shed a tear and gave me a hug. This was a big deal for him.

While I was cleaning the pantry, I found myself saying out loud (as if P was there), I am not you, I am not you, I am not you. I don’t think like you, I don’t act like you, so stop holding me to your impossibly high OCD standards..

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Interesting how as I was cleaning out the pantry, spice cabinet and fridge, P was in the city, in the high rise, measuring out every piece of furniture, taking a picture of it and itemizing it on a google doc, entitled “Furniture Giveaway”

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I had P2 come over to collect his bags of grains and wine, which he was happy to take.

He had a bag of Have a Corn Chips for me. I told him to hold on to it.

He also brought a small framed picture of Cutie since I refused the 8×11 framed picture last week, both were super cute. I’m keeping this little one. I put it next to Cutie. I take a picture of her staring at her cuteness.

He also gave me a quote:

I had P2 sweep the floor, take out the trash and wipe the windows.

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P2 journals about the “main events” of his day: social visits, walks in the woods, movies he’s seen, books and articles he read, and philosophical ideas..

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P2 finds that he’s having a hard time keeping up with his one word a day journal

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P2 would be more interested in my philosophy in my journal to you. Noted.

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My heartbeat is slow, steady and loud, P2 says.

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As I write this, I feel strange, like post-iboga strange, I feel like I’m seeing subtle tracers.

I didn’t smoke at all today, even when P offered me some Jack Frost this morning, which I usually can’t refuse.

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Just as P2 left, P arrived. They actually waved to each other as they were passing by.

P was blown away by the immaculate pantry.

I went downstairs to take a shower. While showering, I found myself moaning, like that’s all I had the energy to do, a moaning chanting that felt similar to my 5meo dmt sounds, but way toned down.

P came downstairs. He was gonna hop in the hot tub. But then he changed his mind.

6:13pm Moon Room

We fucked. He said it felt like Mupp Tantra. I felt it. We napped. And I felt like I was in a floating meditation.

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P got up to go do some work on the computer, which was organizing all the pictures of the itemized furniture at NEMA to give away. Not wanting to feel abandoned, I said I guess I’ll do work on the computer too.

Still in a blissful daze, I meditated in the orgy room. P interreupted me by poking his head above the wall.. jumping off the divider, while swinging on the aerial silk (I know it’s hard to visualize, I’ll describe this better later, maybe with pictures/video).

This is what he used to all the time when I first got the silk put up.

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I feel like my default mode network is gone. This whole moment of us in this house, with the magic hour light coming in, brings me back to every sunny day at this late afternoon/early evening hour in this house. Everything is so perfect as it right now, it hurts just a little knowing it’ll all change. And all I can do is take it all in.

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I want to continue meditating because I have a feeling I can sink into an altered state.

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And maybe in a bit P and I can go toss the frisbee on campus.

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What I put in me: boiled pink lemon water with ACV, 1.5 plantain pancakes, moon water with abundance, pistachios, 4 cashews, a slice of lemon poppy seed cake, goat humboldt fog like cheese, parmesan cheese (from Italy, which is lectin-free): more pink lemon water, olives, 4 deviled eggs, a bit of P’s little gem salad and St. Lassen’s trout and grilled chicken from Gather

 

Monday, July 9th, 2018

1:11am

Moon Room

 

Dear You,

No I’m not making up these times, like 1:11am. It really is 1:11. At these times, I always wonder should I be writing to you? And the answer now is yes.

I know I should be asleep. But I’m wide awake thinking about writing to you.

I want to tell you that even when I’m not writing to you, I’m constantly thinking about writing to you.

I go through moods. Sometimes I get so excited about everything I want to share and then all of a sudden I wonder what am I doing? Do you really care about what I eat?

But even in the latter, I still want to write to you. And tell you everything.

Even though I know that I only have so many words in me per day.

I can spend those words on replying to emails/texts (like I used to pre 2015) or writing in my notebook to myself (2015-2018), or creating a Domme and sub guide (near future) or I can just write to you (now).

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I’m constantly asking (at the cost of my time)

How should I be spending my time?

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I think there’s something here, between me and you.

I’m still figuring out how best to share my life with you.

You may think I’m getting weirdly detailed about random things. Yes I am. But those random things are actually markers for me to return to and expand upon (when I have more time, in my ADHD world, I will always have more time at some point).

What I’m saying is that every thing has a story. That connects to the larger story.

That’s probably why I like to keep everything. Because they remind me to tell you about that one time..

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Sometimes you are my future self. But most of the time, you are you.

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What I’m saying is that I will eventually get to the point. But how I will get there is totally non-linear. Possibly circular. Or maybe it’s a spiral that may resemble the golden mean. Who knows.

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Sundays are my favorite day of the week.

Because they’re like sunsets.

It’s so beautifully intense how time feels at these pivot moments

from day to night

from weekend to weekday

I’m keenly aware that it’s all passing by and it’ll never be quite like this ever again.

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The impermanence of firsts (and everything after) makes me want to record all of it in minute details.

That’s why I record everything.

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I have yet to tell you how obsessive my recording is. This here is nothing.

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It’s a slow reveal (or not) how weird I am about this remembering thing.

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I’ll never have this week ever again. Of me and P learning how to cook together in two different kitchens, finding our groove when our ways of being and doing is so different it can be crazy-making or the best test of patience.

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Weird how today was the first day in the past two weeks or so that I didn’t consume any cannabis or psilocybin and yet this was the trippiest day.

By trippy I mean a deep palpable bliss vibrating through my body that allows me to let go of of myself

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To catch you up on the rest of my Sunday, we did go toss the frisbee on campus, right in front of Doe library. It was t-shirt weather at 6pm.

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Ippuku to Gather

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The text to A declining the Acid Party incident

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You threw me under the bus, like you did to your sister.

You’re always positioning yourself as the good one.

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I learned how to not react when he’s reacting

Which changes everything

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Do less, stay still, don’t be right.

Just listen.

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..

It’s 2:35am. I feel queasy. It’s the first day in weeks where I’m not (that) hungry and compulsively eating. I feel slightly more mindful.

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Why am I so wide awake? Blue light? Mind racing. Fingers tapping.

I need to meditate and go to bed.

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Learning how to speak, write and think are worthwhile lifetime endeavors

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In the past 4 years, I’ve been writing daily

In the past 2 weeks, I managed to make writing on pervette a daily ritual.

Now I need to work on reading and meditating daily

And eating mindfully

Okay, goodnight for now..

Monday, July 9th, 2018, 1:44pm

Moon Room

 

Dear You,

It’s a perfect sunny day. P just took off for LA a few minute ago. We parted on a really high note.

And before that I had a pretty incredible meeting with P3.

And it was uncertain whether we were gonna meet since they threw out their back and might get an MRI today, but they wanted to meet after receiving my email. I wondered what they meant by that?

As it turns out, my concerns of us possibly not being methodologically and stylistically aligned was really all in my head.. because it quickly dissolved the minute they arrived and said thanked me for sending that e-mail. Phew!

I am so thrilled (and relieved) that they resonated with it completely. And we both got super excited about how perfectly aligned our visions are and how well our demeanors and personalities complement each other. And also they’re actually super obsessed with The Act of Killing and did a paper on it. In fact after my email they watched it again last night (and got nightmares, it’s a pretty intense film).

And taking the cue from the Act of Killing, which took 10 years to make, P3 felt like this NY trip next week should be super fun and casual. Let’s not stress it and try to do everything. Which is amazing. Because the tone last week was we got a ton of shit to do. And it was stressing me out.

I love how we shift gears from moving super quick to taking our time to do it right and well, which feels good to me. Because we both have a feeling that this will unfold organically. I’m still blown away by how in step we are.

They asked what made me think of The Act of Killing. I said I was thinking about how to frame the film, I thought of Senna, the doc about the Brazilian motor-racer, and how it was done without narration. They were surprised that I brought up Senna because they actually have a deep emotional connection to that film because of the striking similarity between Ayrton Senna and their father and it was actually through that film that they were able to come to terms with their father’s death (which was also by a vehicular accident).

P3 also believes that we’re just vessels carrying out the divine work and we both know that we’re here to create something beautiful and deliver a message.

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I only got 4 1/2 hours of sleep, but was pretty awake when P got up to get ready to head into the office. Just as he was about to take off, I offered to make him plantain pancakes, to which he said yes..

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The food theme for the past two weeks: plantain pancakes.

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9:00pm

Around 3:50 I was gonna head out to catch my 4 o’clock manipedi appt. But I couldn’t find my car key. I remember P moving my car so he can load up the trunk of his car with a giant speaker. I had two, She left with one of them, now P has possibly left with the other.

I was stranded sorta. I got a Lyft to the salon. On the ride over, I was slightly miffed that both P and Her took my car keys and now I’m stuck in a Lyft with loud radio music blasting.

But I flipped it around in my head. What’s going on? Why is the universe taking away my car keys? Am I supposed to stay at home and work on the Domme Guide? Or am I supposed to have a synchronicitous encounter with a Lyft driver?

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When things don’t go according to plan, I like to find the reason behind it.

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There was a new manicurist at the nail salon, T. I always love surprising the new women there by speaking Vietnamese to them.

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She was surprised that I was 36. She thought I was a teenager.

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C the owner of the store was doing my mani while T was doing my pedi. C talked about how bad the women in Vietnam have it. Always forced to get married really young, and stay with their sometimes abusive and oftentimes cheating husbands because they’re financially dependent on their husbands and divorce is totally frowned upon and uncommon there.

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9 out of 10 Vietnamese men cheat on their wives, C says. She takes it back, it’s more like 8 out of 10. The point is it’s a lot.

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C says to me that T’s husband cheated on her. T was quiet.

I told them my stepdad cheated on my mom too.

T tells me how it still upsets her, you don’t forget that sort of betrayal.

It’s the sort of thing that can drive a women crazy, to the point that they want to kill that other woman.

I asked if she’s still with him. She said yes, there’s no love, there’s nothing.

I said that’s kinda the same with my mom. I don’t think she knows how to live without him (or more specifically his financial support).

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I always go with the usual. My toes are the classic red that every Domme wears. I bring in my own nail polish for my fingernails. It’s LeChat’s Cherry Blossom. It changes color from shimmery nude when it’s warm to purplish pink when it’s cold. I love it when it’s in the in-between state where it’s this hypnotizing shimmery ombre pink and lilac.

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I contemplated whether I should have P2 swoop me up and chauffeur me to the store then home. It’s such a beautiful day and the air is so still and this is my first afternoon alone in a long time, I decided to walk, meditatively in the direction of home. On the way I stopped by the grocery store and got 8 lemons. I also stopped by Pegasus bookstore and perused and (couldn’t help myself) got a book.

Last Words From Montmartre by Qiu Miaojin.

It’s a NYRB, and I sorta collect them because I love their slightly more esoteric curation and the way their covers are designed.

I usually don’t read novels (I prefer reality). But I opened it up and liked how it’s written. It’s comprised of letters. I thought it might influence my writing style to you. Since right now I feel like my writing to you is quite blah.

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This is how my writing is without reading that much. I read a page or 2 or 3 at most a day.

I blame it on my ADHD and the internet for my inability to concentrate.

I’m curious to see (maybe you are too) how my writing will change once I become a more avid reader.

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It’s my goal to read more this year

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I just read the back cover of the book:

When the pioneering Taiwanese novelist Qui Miaojin commited suicide in 1995 at age 26, she left behind her unpublished masterpiece, Last Words from Montmartre.

Whoa, that’s crazy that the author committed suicide.

The back cover said that this book is the author’s own suicide note.

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My appetite is back to normal. Thank God.

I wonder if it has anything to do with not smoking any cannabis for the past 2 days.

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This morning after P left, I hopped back into bed to masturbate to Deric Wan. Youtube suggested that I watch next a Leslie Cheung montage from Farewell My Concubine.

How did they know?

I was obsessed with that film in 7th grade. I must’ve watched it over 20 times. It was actually that film that opened up my world to world cinema (and homosexuality).

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After coming about 5 times, I ebayed a Deric Wan 50th Anniversary cd. Should be coming July 21-Aug 5.

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I need to go buy Burning Man costumes. But I might read my new book instead. Or watch the Malcom Gladwell Masterclass

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What I put inside me: Lime moon water, 1 plantain pancake and butter (I had with P); the last of the lemon poopy seed cake P made; almonds, fresh mint gotu kola and gingko biloba tea (my blend) and hot blended Moonbeli Adaptogenic Blend with cocao, maca, coconut oil, mct oil, and almond milk I made for me and P3; walnuts and more almonds; goat cheese, a sensible portion of chicken and red beans and brown rice; more of the Moonbeli Adaptogenic tea concoction

Tuesday, July 10th, 2018 12:34pm

Berkeley

Round Table

 

Dear You,

How are you? I’m sorry I never ask how you are. It’s always about me.

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What a luxury to wake up alone.

Not be woken up by anything or anyone

And remember your dream vividly

And record it.

This is what sets the (right) tone for the rest of the day..

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I was up till 1am on Etsy and DollsKill shopping for Burning Man.Searching for see-through vinyl, hologram, and mesh. Now I understand where the kids these days get their outfits for their fashion blogs.

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I feel like an old person thinking

Back when I was your age (in my teens and early 20’s)

You had to really do the work to dress differently

You had to hit the thrift stores for hours or days to get lucky and find that special vintage piece.

If you want see through, you had to make your own skirt using pink saran wrap.

Now it’s all a click away.

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Remember when trying to be cool took time and effort?

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Before Spotify algorithms, you had to hit the record stores, and discover new bands through your own heuristic (mine was through my favorite record labels) and just trial and error of buying crappy albums and selling them back to Amoeba Records

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Before the iPhone and filter apps, you had to buy B&W or slide film and get them cross-processed with sloppy borders

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I can go on..

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There are still some things you can’t one-click away

Like watching a Godard film

Or reading a book by your favorite surrealist or Oulipo author

And that’s what I’m holding on to

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I know I’m such a fucking snob.

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Sometimes my ego is like,

Oh you’re doing that now?

I was doing that like 3 years or a decade ago

I’m already on to the next..

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I placed 5 orders last night and this morning. 11 items all together. Now I just need eyewear (for the sandstorms) boots and an outer layer for the cold nights and (I think) I’m good.

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Anyways..

It as a beautiful morning, the weather is insanely perfect right now, the baby birds were hopping around the deck outside my bedroom inviting me out, so I laid out the zafu and zabutan outside and did my morning pages, breathed deeply and meditated. For the first time I can really smell the jasmine growing on the fence.

God I’m going to miss this house.

It was just in this past week that I started meditating on the lower level circular deck. I’m starting to break out of my habits of inhabiting the usual spots and branching out. Might as well really love every bit of this house up before I say goodbye.

I walked from the deck into the gym and did my push-ups then I went out and up the stairs to the upper deck and into the breakfast area (where the Round table is) and kitchen and put on a pot to make some lemon water.

I’ve never walked from room to room from the outside, but I realize this morning that I can. Just counted. This house has 8 rooms with glass doors leading to the exterior. I can actually move from one room to the next through the outside and glass doors.

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I’m noting all of this because it’s new. And lately I’ve been noting the things I’m doing that are new.

I think it’s important to keep on breaking out of unconscious habits and routines.

And keep on trying something new.

Because it makes me feel like a curious child.

And the world is one continuous new discovery after another.

And this curious feeling of constant mystery and discovery is what makes me so grateful for every waking moment.

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For the past 3 years,

And more so now

Than ever

I’ve been asking my 6 year old self

What would you like to do?

She gets excited about books, art projects and films,

And learning something new.

She also likes going for walks

Discovering new things and staring up at the sky.

She has never once said

Check my email and texts

And get back to so and so

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So I’m sorry if you haven’t heard from me in a while

I’ve been listening to her

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My old lover texted me 2 weeks ago saying he misses me and wants to see me.

We’re going to meet tonight. I used to get so excited thinking about seeing him. But now all I want to do is stay here and write to you.

And create this Domme Guide.

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I promised A that I will have 44 pages for the Domme Guide by July 11th.

It’s July 10th. I think I have 4 pages.

Jesus Christ

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M from MindLove e-mailed me this morning to say Woohoo! My podcast is now live. I have no desire to listen to it. Let alone tweet about it.

I felt like I didn’t do a good job. I was rambling.

I had just done 5meo and cried out how much I loved Her and how terribly sorry I am. Then went strait into the interview.

And the sound quality I imagine isn’t great because we did it though Skype.

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I missed Her call at 11pm last night. Even though we made plans to chat about Her Fedexing my car key and just to catch up. Was it subconsciously intentional that I was away from my phone?

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Lately I don’t talk on the phone or text anyone

Unless I’m in the right mood

The mood to connect

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This is a new me.

The one who’s learning how to take care of myself first.

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The long walk I had yesterday has me craving more long walks in Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam, Barcelona, and many many more cities. I’m craving Europe right now.

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I have a feeling that once we say good bye to this house, I’m going to be more nomadic.

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I need 1-2 days out of the week to myself to do nothing but read and write and walk.

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I want to watch more films.

P2 and P3’s avid film-watching are inspiring me to revisit my college days

When I worked at A Video Store Named Desire

On Sundays

And got the perk of borrowing any film I want for as long as I want.

I would grab 20 films at a time.

Concentrating on one director at a time

That’s how I learned to love

Antonioni

Godard

Pasolini

Bresson

Kieslowski

Varda

Truffaut

Meditating outside, next to the jasmine, underneath the cypress(?) tree, surrounded by all the hydrangeas, camelias, bamboo, ferns, and Japanese maple trees that I had picked out

I’m enjoying every second of it

Knowing that

This is it

The last summer that I will be here.

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This perfect weather is killing me.

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I’m so grateful for these days of not working.

I know I’m broke.

But I’m so happy.

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It’s my first day of feeling super clear-headed and totally at ease

Being alone

That long magic hour walk yesterday

This meditative morning

No cannabis

No social media

Not eating too much

All help

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I crossed 10 items off my Morning Ritual List.

The kitchen is clean, I washed my session lingerie and stockings, I did a load of laundry, I tidied up the moon room, I fully unpacked my suitcase from my trip to LA. I ordered the last of the Burning Man outfits, I got back to C, D, S, and M (all time-sensitive replies), I just plucked my eyebrows. Now I’m ready to start this Domme Guide.

That’s what I said 2 1/2 hours ago

Before I started writing to you.

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Maybe procrastination is just inspiration

To do something else?

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It’s 2:44pm, I haven’t really eaten anything other than chocolate and almond butter. I’m gonna make a green smoothie (and maybe plantain pancakes?) and then get into the Domme Guide, finally.

Wish me luck (or focus or self-discipline)

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4:44pm

Dear You,

Guess what?

I just wrote out the 5th step of the Domme Guide

Yay! Progress.

 

7:38pm

 

Dear You,

There’s quite a bit to catch up on since I last wrote.

I just chatted with Her..

.

I’m about to head into the city.

Will write more later..

Currently reading: Many Moons Workbook, Letters from Montmartre, Moody Bitches, The Artist’s Way

 

What I put inside me: Lemoon Water with ACV (apple cider vinegar), a tiny nibble of mushroom chocolates, primal chocolate 100% cacao midnight coconut with almond butter; brain tea I made; green smoothie with 2 avocados, spinach, romaine lettuce, mint, lemon, frozen bananas (off diet); more chocolate and almond butter, more green smoothie; green papaya salad, moo gratiem (a thai pork dish), jasmine rice, mango sticky rice from lers ros thai and all off diet, la croix pamplemouse, and lemon water

 

 

Wednesday, July 11th, 2018 12:02pm

 

Dear You,

I feel a little out of it. I stayed up till 2 and slept in till 10:20am and laid in bed and masturbated. To further my indulgent morning, I just bought two see-through vinyl skirts and a mesh bodysuit from DollsKill. I’m done with online shopping, I swear.

It’s noon and I have more to write for the Domme Guide. My Dare to Memoir online class With Roger Housden is starting up this Friday. That might help with the Domme Guide.

Ever have one of those days when you feel a little aimless?

I’m sure it had everything to do with getting up late this morning. I’m gonna go to bed early tonight, by midnight.

I know I have so much to do, but all I want to to do is go slow..

I feel at odds with myself. I want to go out and wonder and play, but a part of me thinks I should be very productive to make up for lost time this morning.

The weather again is so bright and perfect today, I feel like I should be outside.

I think I’m gonna do my Artist Date to the Macarthur Annex, I haven’t been. It seems like a neat new spot, with a record store and book store.

Yes I definitely need to leave the house.

I feel slightly self-conscious that I’m writing to you and reporting my aimless day and you knowing by now that I should get on this Domme Guide. But maybe this is my hibernation day. It’s all for me to do whatever I want. And I’m going with the idea that procrastination is a form of inspiration. I gotta go. Staying put makes me feel stagnant.

My see-through vinyl skirts and mesh body suit from DollzKill arrived. The quality of the construction is quite poor. I think I’m return it. Maybe I should make my own.

But that requires learning how to sew and stuff.

B did get me a sewing machine for my bday. It’s still sitting in its box.

.

12:56pm

 

 

Just meditated outside for 5 minutes. I already feel better. No more guilt or shoulda’s. I was inside all day yesterday. I need movement. It’s summer. School’s out. Little me wants to go explore..

3:33pm

 

Dear You,

I’m back. So glad I went out.

I can’t wait to tell you what I got..

.

.

 

I picked up this book called The Buckshot Lexicon by Jeff Rian. It was a rare used book for $60. Kind of pricey, but when I flipped it open, it landed on this page..

..

 

 

Just tweeted out my podcast. I listened to it last night. It’s not too terribly bad. But definitely not that great. You can listen to it if you want..

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Just ordered a lip balm making kit. I’ve been thinking about making lip balm for the past few years. It’s the first Pervette swag I want to give away.

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I’ve also been thinking about making a Pervette zine, on facsimile paper. And on the back there will be “ads” for pervettes. It’s an analog solution to the current FOSTA/SESTA problem.

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What’s wrong with me? I need to answer people’s questions on Pervette.

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I exist because I see beauty.    -Lee Lozano from his private notebook #2

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I have weird collections of old things everywhere. I’m really drawn to things that are obsolete: things that we don’t use anymore, or that no longer have a purpose in the modern world, that are relics. -Lisa Congden from Flow magazine #24

.10:32pm

I got the FedEx package from Her. In it contained the car key and a bar of Buddha Chocolate, Cherry Road is the flavor. I’m eating it now as I write this. It’s quite yummy.

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Little me has taken over today. By 7pm she got really quiet and wanted to go slow..

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P2 came over, I showed him all my books and zines I got today. We went for a walk down a few paths to the park at the magic hour, then I cooked us fish and asparagus. No movie tonight.

All I want to do is meditate and read.

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What I put inside me: Lemoon tea, nibble of mushroom chocolate, green smoothie I made yesterday, walnuts, a salad I made and ate outside on the grass, Lulu’s smoked sea salt and almond chocolate, sea bass and asparagus, Buddha Chocolate cherry road, Tulsi tea

 

 

Thursday, July 12th, 2018 1:00pm

 

Dear You,

I’m trying to figure out a bunch of things for Pervette..

I’m trying to figure out this sub guide/path. How to make it engaging and immersive..

Do I still want the voyeur level? If so,  I think I should rename it and it just be called “next level.”

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I’m trying to figure out a way to make working on Pervette sustainable for me..

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I’m reading Sacred Economics to see if there’s a different way to have an exchange..

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Mom says it’s so hot (in Orange County) she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

 

1:33pm

 

I’m working on the 3rd page where there’s fork in the path and it’s Time To..

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I want to create my own font with own handwriting.

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After I started the sub path, I quickly got out to grab a late lunch at Sanctuary, a vegan place She recommended to me. It was yummy. I went to the natural grocery store and stocked up on the staples, got my tires inflated, car washed and dropped off the dry cleaning.

.

I met with Y. It was our first one on one. She’s been going through quite a bit and her circumstances make it that she can’t really confide in many other than me and 3 other.

Her attorney job is stressful and her relationships ask so much of her. She wants a side hustle and she’s ready to receive. I told her I’d be happy to show her how to be a Domme.

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3 minutes after Y leaves, I had a call scheduled with S. It’s out first time connecting over the phone. She was the one who wrote to me about speaking up. I wanted to chat with her so that I can refine my advice for her.

She told me she has my words written out and taped on her bathroom. Words were from pages that I wrote last year and abandoned.

She said that Pervette was a place she was happy to stay in for a long while.

Knowing that there’s someone out there reading my words and it means something to them means so much to me. It’s my fuel to keep on going.

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All of these words, as sloppy as they are, is part of my practice, to keep on writing to you. What I know is that it’s better than nothing.

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I proposed to S that we start writing to each other, sharing our experiences and thoughts on how to speak up and ask for what we want.

I told her this is actually the way to keep a relationship going with me. To have a fruitful project together.

She said yes.

We’ll start by having her send me questions to answer.

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I know I still have many questions from others to answer.

I will get to all of them, I promise.

In good time.

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At 11:33pm I was about to settle in on the biomat and finally watch that Malcom Gladwell Masterclass, but then I heard foxes or coyotes howling outside. So I went outside and downstairs to the lower level deck. It sounded like one of them was howling right outside the backyard fence.  I was by my hot tub. I stuck my finger in. The temperature was hot enough and just about right. So I took off my tank top and undies and climbed in.

While soaking I listened to the coyotes do their call and response howl. They were so close to me. Their howls made me feel alive.

Then behind their howls, I heard the siren of a fire truck and ambulance or several. I did notice the faint smell of smoke when I stepped out, thinking was it a fore or just someone’s fireplace.

The howling stopped and the sirens continued. Then it stopped. Then I heard and saw a helicopter flying above.

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Note to self: I need to collect all my precious belongings: family photos, my diaries and journals, my external hard drives filled with audio recordings and photos, put them in a briefcase or suitcase, just in case there’s another fire like the one last year (that was a close one), I can just grab and go.

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At some point, everything was quiet and still. I can see my legs through the water, as well as the reflection of the Japanese maple trees  from above. Then the garden lights went out.

It was 11:44pm. I sat in the indigo light from the sky above.

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Some part of me told me not to sleep in my bed tonight. So I went upstairs, laid on the biomat (on the ground) in the moon room next to the glass door open. I fell asleep staring at the trees swaying against the bright dark blue sky. The wind blowing against my skin felt so good.

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I woke up twice in the middle of the night. Once to the sound of it hailing for 2 minutes. And then again later I woke up to a sound of a coyote or fox howling.

I woke again up just as the sky was turning light blue. it was 6amish. I went downstairs and crawled into bed. And slept for another 2 and a half hours.

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What I consume: Lemoon water, 3 plantain pancakes, vitamins, my brain tea, green smoothie; miso macadamia salad, portobello po boy-dilla and cacao shot at Sanctuary (vegan restaurant), a frothy hot drink I made for me and Y, it had 13 ingredients including ashwaganda, royal maca, cacao, mucana puriens, mct oil, coconut oil; pistachios

 

Friday, July 13th, 2018 1:44pm

On the biomat in the Moon Room, Berkeley

 

Dear You,

It’s Friday the 13th and a new moon. Don’t eat meat today, my mom tells me.

I feel like my mind is finally catching up with my body.

My body has been wanting to go really slow, and take it easy. And finally my mind is allowing myself to move slowly without guilt.

There’s a part of me that wants to be productive and propel forward.

There’s a wiser part of me that knows what it needs. And sometimes it’s a ton of space and time.

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Sometimes I have a voice that tells me I should be doing more. It’s a case of keeping up with the Dommes. It happens when I check my social media, I feel like I should be doing more, making money, emailing/booking sessions , doing photoshoots, tweeting, instagramming. And be how I used to be before the shift.

But then there’s this new part of me that tells me to let it all go.

And so I have..

And let me tell you, it’s bliss.

Note to self and maybe you: Keep on avoiding social media.

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She texted me today, she’s been thinking of me a lot. And asked if there was a letter for her in the mail.

I told her, I have been thinking of her too. I sent Her a picture of Cutie sitting with the chocolate bar She gave me. And yes there is a letter for her.

I’m in a strange state today. I feel like how I did right after our iboga journey at the beginning of the year. Reborn and moving slowly like a baby taking every bit of every moment in.

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I’ve been reading my Many Moons Workbook, learning about this partial solar eclipse (yesterday) and the last quarter moon (these past two weeks) and new moon (today). It reaffirms my moods.

These are mostly her word with my thoughts..

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Time for pause.

Yes I have been.

Eclipses are about shadows emerging. Different ways of seeing.

I’m seeing myself from Her perspective. I see a moody child that can spin a story to justify everything.

My intentions are pure, I tell myself.

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There will be a purpose. When something is taken away, something else will be planted in its place.

I wonder what will take the place of this beautiful sanctuary I’m living in?

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Knowing, listening to and loving your emotional body is power.

True power starts with connecting to your feelings.

I’m feeling small. Like 6 year old small. And the world is large, slightly overwhelming. I want to go slow.

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How can we gladly do what we must do?

When we turn our work into play. That is the constant creative challenge.

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My Dare of Memoir class starts today. These are Roger Housden’s words to us..

But why is it a dare to write memoir? we ask. It’s a dare because it means telling the truth.

The emotional truth of the time as you experienced it then and however you may experience it now.

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“Memory is never a precise duplicate of the original… it is a continuing act of creation,” researcher Rosalind Cartwright reminds us in her treatise on the science of dreams.

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There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action. And, because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.” (Martha Graham)

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Memoir is a dare because when you actually put the words on the page and let others read it, you may very [well] cause offense – and the closer to you that they are, the more likely it is that they will be the ones to be offended.

This is so true. I’m concerned about P (and Her) and how they would feel about me writing about us.

 

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As the writer V.S. Pritchett once said: It’s all in the art. You get no credit for living.

This is exactly why I record. Everything.

.

 

4:44pm

 

I was supposed to meet with G, my business partner, at 4:30 to talk about the studio/dungeon. I thought she was coming over for tea and she thought we were meeting at the studio for tea. She has a flight at 7:30 so we made plans to chat tomorrow instead. Which means I can continue writing.. Or should I go for a walk?

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I decided that for this week, if I do nothing but read, walk, write and watch films, I will be happy.

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Do I want to catch the 7:20 showing of 3 Identical Strangers by myself? But if I do, I will miss the sunset.

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I feel like I should get out of the house, but I don’t know if I want to go for a walk out the door or if I want to get in the car and go somewhere further.

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I called P2 to see if he wants to spontaneously join me in catching 3 Identical Strangers (P saw it yesterday and said I HAVE to go see it)

When P2 picked up, he didn’t sound good. He didn’t sleep at all last night and now he feels sick. Apparently he did way too much coke last night. He lost control. He kept on saying “It was so fucked up.”

He says he feels a little better hearing my voice. I recommended that he do some of the Level CBD and maybe look at a picture of Cutie, that might help. He said he’ll do that. I told him I’ll call him tomorrow to check up on him.

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I guess it’s an alone day. Which feels just about right to me.

 

(Written on Saturday the 14th)

I got out of the house, on foot. Went through the back and once I hit the trail, I went left (for a change) instead of right (which leads me to my tree and the secret spot).

(I kinda wished I smoked a tiny bit of Jack Frost before I took off, but I didn’t)

I walked all the way to the Lake. This was my first time walking to the lake from my house. There was a section of the lake where there was sand. The admission into that part was free since there was no bodyguard and a sign that read,”Swim at your own risk.”

There were a few folks swimming. A family with 3 boys around 9 and 11 and 12, I’m guessing their age. A younger brother, an older brother and his friend, I’m guessing some more. The younger one is taking his time leaving the water at the behest of the others saying they’ll leave him behind.

I can’t believe I’ve never walked here it’s so nice.

I left the sandy area and continued circling around the whole lake. At some parts, I had to climb rocks and grab hold of branches to get from one part of the rough path to another.

I sat on a rock right by the edge of the water.

There’s something about being near water.

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I crossed a bridge

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And then I headed back home. Made it in time to catch the sunset (which is the picture above)

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I was craving spring rolls. So I placed a caviar order for some vegan ones from Xyclo.

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I watched the Malcom Gladwell Masterclass while I casually masturbated on the biomat.

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I did a new moon ritual (from the Many Moons workbook). I got a large golden bowl and filled it with water, some salt and a squeeze of lemon. I placed in it the Oshun stone that a Cuban shaman gave to me. I surrounded the bowl with selenite, Herkimer diamond, rose quartz, and orange calcite stones. Did some breath work, looked into the bowl, and asked the following questions:

What is my intuition telling me at this time?

What are my emotions telling me at this time?

What about my power scares me?

What next step does Spirit want me to focus on taking?

How will I help my healing, and healing my matriarchal line?

Where am I ready to flow?

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The answers that came to me weren’t news to me. It’s everything I knew.

Maybe it’ll come to me in my dreams.

Then I remembered what P3 mentioned watching Joseph Campbell’s Power of Myth as a way to counterbalance all her research on sexwork. So I youtubed some Joseph Campbell. Really good stuff.

 

What I put inside me: LeMoon Tea, 3 plantain pancakes and blueberries, the rest of the chocolate cherry road Buddha bar She gave me, pistachios, spring water with rosemary from the front yard, goat cheese, 3 and 1/2 giant vegan Buddha rolls from Xyclo

 

Saturday, July 14th, 2018 10:50am

Round Table – Berkeley

 

Dear You,

This morning is the opposite of yesterday morning. Where I was enervated and moving incredibly slow yesterday, today I feel so energized and have a ton of ideas spinning in my mind.

I woke up this morning (and masturbated). Knowing what the next intimate path of Pervette will be. It’s actually going to stem from here, in my journaling to you..

I’m noticing all the parts that I leave out in my writing to you. They’re more private. And yet I want to share my more private parts with you. And so..

I’m going to create a more intimate space to share these more intimate layers. And what it will require from you is a simple login to go deeper.

I figure if I’m going to pour my heart into this, what I’m asking from you is to be more than what is typically asked of you (on the internet), which is to be a passive consumer.

I want to know that you exist, that’s all.

Once I get a sense of who (or how many) wants to get to know me, who wants to go deep with me, that will naturally incentivize me to keep on going deeper, revealing more..

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I’m essentially coming out

By having you come in

To my world..

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I want to share with you my correspondence with others (who are also okay with me sharing their words)

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I want to share with you the books I’m reading, the films I’m watching and how they inspire me. I want you to get intimate with my creative process. And how it all informs how I build out Pervette.

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You will eventually see more links in these pages leading to new pages..

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Also I’m realizing that a part of my journaling is that it’s a record of how I create rituals and routines that are fruitful. Which is or has been my intention.

For instance, since Sunday, I didn’t smoke any cannabis. If you read about my last week, you probably noticed I felt like a smoking fiend (with P) and a bingeing glutton.

So I stopped.

And now I’m more clear-headed.

But my writing to you is my practice. Possibly it’s a spiritual practice. Because in writing to you, I’m becoming more aware of myself and the things I do, and why I do them.

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In a way you’re my witness.

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So far my writing to you is the most consistent thing I’ve done on Pervette.

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random thought, should I break up my letters to you in daily posts rather than weekly?

it’s easier for me to continue where I left off from the day before without having to add a new post (and add an image), it’s essentially less work for me.

But for your sake I might prefer the daily post. If anything it’s aesthetically more pleasing and not such a cognitive load to see so many words.

 

But if I go with daily posts, after so many days, months, and years, I’ll have a bajillion posts, and that might get overwhelming.

But this long post can also be overwhelming for you to scroll..

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maybe I should write less?

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I should really decide now if I want to go with daily or weekly posts.

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Weekly feels less overwheming. I’m gonna go with that.

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I have to tell you, or maybe you’re noticing it, I go through phases. Sometimes I want to do it all. I want to keep on adding more and more. I’m a maximalist.

Then some days, I wonder how did I get myself here, into these rituals that I can’t stop. And I just

It’s like how I buy a new moisturizer or vitamin, it doesn’t replace my old one, it’s just another moisturizer or vitamin added to the mix.

And now I have 14  vitamins I take daily.

So I must be careful to not get too carried away when I’m feeling manic. I need to temper myself.

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Orrrrrr

 

I can have the latest post on top, rather than the bottom.

That mitigates the excessive scrolling..

And it might feel less overwhelming for you.

Is that a fair compromise?

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My lip bam making supplies arrived. Very exciting.

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Going back through my texts over the past few months, there are about 57 friends/acquaintances who would like to schedule some time to get together.

Many I haven’t replied to.

What should I tell them?

That I’m guarding my time.

Conserving my energy.

So I can focus and write to you..

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I called to check up on P2. He’s feeling better. I told him 5 Star Video on Solano is going out of business and they’re having a liquidation sale and asked if he wanted to come and check it out with me. He was feeling a little better so he said yes.

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All DVD’s are $5, Criterion Collection DVD’s are $12 and Criterion Collection box sets are $20.

It’s an end of era when your favorite local video store is going out of business. True I haven’t rented a film there in ages. I told myself I’ll only buy one film.

I picked up a bunch of films to choose from: Yi Yi, Rumble Fish, The Lovers on the Bridge, Mishima: A Life in 4 Chapters, Barcelona, A Pasolini Decameron box set, and an Allan King eclipse box set.

I widdled it down to the Allan King box set. I never heard of him. On the back of the Criterion Collection Eclipse box, it read that he was cinema’s best kept secret. He called his cinema verite style documentaries “Actuality Drama.” It felt like good inspo for Pervette.

I started chatting with Andy the owner of the video store. He said I should’ve been there yesterday when the Criterion Collection was still intact. Right now it’s an eighth of what it was yesterday. I told him it was probably better that I wasn’t, I’m trying to discipline myself.

He was chatty with me about films and his philosophy. I asked for his e-mail since I’m getting into making documentaries and I’m doing research on films. I’m interested in consensual violence in cinema. He said, sure, and wrote down his personal e-mail on the back of a flyer of the last video store in the East Bay.

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After P2 did his chores, we watched a little bit of A Married Couple, one of the  films in the Allan King box set. He lived with a married couple for 7 weeks and filmed their lives. It was brilliant and made me want to enlist a videographer friend to live with me and film my life in this house.

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After P2 left, my dad called later than his usual 10am ritual. He’s been all over town looking for an AC unit. He said he got lucky and there were 2 left at Fry’s. It cost 200 for the unit and 100 to install it. I told him I can pay for it. He was happy to hear that.

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I worry that I’m way in over my head with my pervette paths/ideas. I have so many. It really means that I have to carve a decent amount of time everyday to sit and write, which is what I’m starting to do. But this is just the beginning. The very beginning. And it already feels like a lot. And not to mention, I’m able to do it because this is a “quiet week.” every path I build has to keep on going. I need to figure out how to structure this in a way where it doesn’t get too overwhelming.

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I’m in the mood for spring rolls. Just placed a caviar order for 3 types of spring rolls from Xyclo. I have an excuse, I have guests coming and they might want spring rolls too.

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I’m tackling a pile of loose papers. I feel sick from all the stuff I keep, to remember that moment. I don’t have time to scrapbook every receipt. Yet I like going back and being like, Oh I remember that trip to the store. Is something wrong with me?

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What I consumed: Lemoon tea, 1/2 spring roll, 3 plantain pancakes, pistachios, raw chocolate and almond butter,  ginger lemongrass kombucha, tamari almonds, buddha rolls, sugarcane shrimp rolls, and fresh shrimp spring rolls

Themes of the week: Alone time, Trusting my body, Going Slow, Shopping Mania (15 + items for Burning Man costumes; 7 books, 12 zines, 1 magazine; casette player, 3 cassette tapes)

Books I’m reading: Sacred Economics, Many Many Moons Workbook, The Artist’s way

Films I want to see: King in the Wilderness (doc about MLK), RBG, Cold Water by Olivier Assayas, one of my favorite directors; The Rider (another doc)

 

 

 

To my previous week