Sunday, November 18th, 2018

Santa Cruz -> San Mateo -> Berkeley


(From what I can remember)

I woke up at 4am.


Thursday, November 22, 2018 2:34pm

My lilac bedroom- The OC


Dear You,

Happy Thanksgiving.  I know it’s been a while. A LOT has happened. Even in the silence. Right now, as I’m home for Thanksgiving, I still feel like I’m in my silent retreat.




Whoa. Soon after I wrote that last paragraph, I felt a wah wah feeling inside me and felt compelled to meditate on my bed, then I took a nap.

I’ve been waking up around 4:44 wide awake these days.

So much has happened and yet I’m moving slowly, like a child just soaking it all in. And I fell out of the rhythm of writing to you. Of course I think about it all the time. Writing to you.

All I can say for now is that I experienced some deeply profound shifts in this retreat.

I felt like I healed myself.

Words aren’t doing it justice.

It’s okay.

The retreat leaders say that the retreat is actually double the length of what we think it is. So this one week retreat is really a two week retreat that I’m still in right now. Hence, the silence.

I do have a slight concern that so much is happening (within and outside of myself) that I might not be able to catch up and tell you all about it.

But I will. It’s just been a busy couple of days.

Once I return home, and settle into my groove. I’ll tell you all about it.

I gotta go help my mom make some sweet potatoes and brussel sprouts..


Saturday, November 24, 2018 10:55am

Berkeley – Round Table


Dear You,

I’m home at last. Sitting here with my cup of lemon water writing to you. Feeling so serene I’m not sure what to do next, read, write, meditate, go grocery shopping so I can make a nice salad for lunch, everything feels so nice, shuffling around the house as it heats up. It’s not raining but it’s wet outside, I’m just getting cozy..

I’m finally alone.

It’s been 2 weeks.


I’ve been dropping into a new headspace since the retreat. Fully aware, moving slowly.

I feel like a little mouse in a big giant house, in awe that I get to call this space my home.


I landed at 9:25am in Oakland. Everything feels different now from when I left. The air is moist and breathable, the sky is gray, it finally feels like winter.

P2 picked me up from JetSuite. He was standing by the wall inside, I almost missed him. I love how JetSuite makes flying so casual, there’s no rushing.

P2 was wearing a necklace, I peered closer, it was a locket with the door broken off, and inside is the cutest picture of Cutie. The one where she’s wrapped in the yellow aerial silk. With no door to the locket, she’s constantly out, around his neck.

I pulled Cutie out of my backpack. Had him watch her as I go pee.


On the drive back, P2 asked about Buddhism. He says what turns him off about Buddhism is that it seems to promote the idea of letting go of your passions. Isn’t that a good thing to have?

remind me to come back here and write out what my response was to P2.

I need to create a page all about my thoughts on meditation..


Berkeley->Santa Monica->Orange County->Santa Monica-> Berkeley

That was my week from Sunday to Saturday. A perfect palindrome.


P2 drove me to Jetsuite, P2 picked me up from Jetsuite.


I left with 3 lemons and 2 books in my suitcase, I returned with 1 lemon, 5 persimmons, and 9 books.


Haven’t smoked in more than 2 weeks, no shrooms no nothing. Just constantly getting high on my breath. Which feels like the trippiest thing ever.


I was gonna go to the store to go pickup produce but I’m sitting here reading the book P2 gave me last week

Timely Rain: Selected Poetry of Chogyam Trungpa

The title is too perfect. And the introduction by Allen Ginsburg is really good..



By noon the sun came out, and so I went out to get some groceries. Not Whole Foods this time, but Monterey Market, I want to be more conscious of where my money goes and support small businesses, and besides their produce selection is insane and so are the prices. I don’t know why I stopped going there?


Monday I’m going to start Phase 1, The Cleanse, of the Plant Paradox program. Which means I can’t each much of anything other vegetable and some fish. I better stock up.


Arugula, spinach, broccoli, kale, chard, asparagus, parsnips, celery, carrots, onion, garlic, ginger, strawberries, walnuts, bone broth, 17 lemons, I bought so much produce, I’m not even sure if I can eat them all before they go bad. Some I’ve never cooked with before. I can always juice what I can’t eat. My fridge looks so happy.


I was hungry and ready to break my intermittent fast, but I decided to meander. One the drive home, instead of turning right on Grizzly I continued up the hill, past the randomly open gate of Zaytuna College. There was one there except for the maintenance people.  I walked around a little then saw the signs, 24 hour surveillance camera and turned back around. Then I hopped back in the car and followed the signs on Grizzly Peak to a pottery sale in the neighborhood. There was no address on the signs, every block it pointed the way and told me I’m that much closer, 5 blocks away, 4 blocks, 3, 2, 1, Here.


Ever since my retreat I’ve been wanting a round ceramic vase with a small hole to hold a single branch (like the vase at Insight retreat Center). Once I stepped in the green craftsman cottage, I found my vase. Its lip was unusual.

The pottery was so well done I thought they were made in Japan. But they were all made by J, a tall slim man with subtle earrings on. He had a beautiful mandala up on his wall. His house had lovely light.

Then I found a small plate shaped as a leaf. Perfect for a single fruit on the altar. And then a tiny bowl, perfect for holding sacred plant medicine on the altar. And . a tiny clay buddha.

I ask J if he offered private lessons, he says he doesn’t but UC Berkeley has a studio and he also handed me a card for the Berkeley pottery studio. He suggested I start with hand-building first then move to wheel-throwing.


I guess I haven’t told you, I’ve been thinking about getting into pottery since I got my haircut and my stylist had just opened up a pottery studio (Hickory Clay), I wanna take classes there but it’s in the city and too far of trek.


I dunno, I just feel like we only have this one life (as far as I know), might as well try to do EVERYTHING before it’s too late.


Emails, texts, voicemail box is full. Friends are reaching out, concerned, I still don’t have the capacity to reply.


When P2 and I arrived back at the house. I was taking it all in. He  moved his work schedule to pick me up from the airport, the way he was holding Cutie in his arms, and how he brought me lemons, and how he always has a cute photo of Cutie and watercolored quote to give me, I felt this heightened sense of appreciation for P2

Things I put inside me: acv, a spoonful of P’s $100 manuka honey grade +850, I love my skin teaonic, albizia flower tincture, chamomile tea ant mint tea at/on JetSuiteX, lemon water (when I got home) a giant spring mix salad, 1/2 avocado, egg, walnuts, goat cheese and blueberries from the Santa Monica farmer’s market, strawberries, aged goat cheese, pistachios and rooibos tea, ripe persimmon (ate from 1:30-6:30)

Things I bought: $71 of produce at Monterey Market, $84 of pottery (vase, plate, tiny bowl)

Books I’m reading: Timely Rain, The 5 Love Languages (the chapter of Words of Affirmation), Plant Paradox Cookbook, Mindful Eating, Samyutta Nikaya, Sophie Calle’s My All