Sunday, November 25, 2018 9:55am

Round Table – Berkeley

 

Dear You,

I’ve been having these very real vivid dreams that seems to be telling or pointing to some direction in Pervette. But lately as soon as I wake up and think about something else, it disappears. I think it’s still somewhere in my subconscious.

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It feels different to wake up alone after a week of waking up next to P.

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I woke up knowing that I should just go ahead and reach out to the shaman couple and ask about getting a custom made rattle, to replace the black raven one  that I got from them 3 years ago, which was borrowed (without my permission) this past Spring and and got smooshed in their suitcase. I thought maybe the borrower would eventually replace it for me, it would be the nice thing to do.

I think the rattle symbolized everything that was off in our relationship.

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I guess I’m just allergic to entitlement.

Which is the opposite of gratitude.

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I reached out to S, the woman who made the rattle, I sent her a picture of me so she can feel into me as she makes the rattle.

I’m partial to smooth old bog oak, dark green/blue leather and a peacock feather, I tell her. Inside I would love some amethysts (my birthstone) but I’m open to her intuition..

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I also woke up knowing that I should masturbate so I did. That felt great.

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My pussy smells amazing.

It’s been intoxicatingly floral and fragrant for the past week.

I wonder if it has anything to do with my clean diet.

Or how right when the retreat ended, I started bleeding.

Right now would be a great time to do some facesitting in session.

If I was sessioning.

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Photoshoot is on Wednesday. I’m telling my cleanse for tomorrow, Tuesday, Wednesday. No dairy, no nuts, no sugar, no fruits will be the trickiest part for me.

The reason why I’m starting tomorrow and not today is because I want to eat more (or all) of that amazing goat cheese I got at the Santa Monica farmer’s market.

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My phone usage is up 634% this week says my iPhone.

Yikes.

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Dad calls, he says things are slowing down at his work, and he’s concerned that he might get laid off. Then he asks if he can come up here and live with me. He can cook and take care of the house for me, he says.

Uh..

I tell him that’s not a good idea. And that there’s a reason why P and I only see each other 2 days out of the week. We each need a lot of alone time. I told him just give me a year or two and I’ll take care of his housing.

He sounds slightly disappointed. I’m surprised that he didn’t push it any further as he had in the past. I think he got where I was coming from. Or maybe he believes me when I tell him not to worry, I’ll take care of him.

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It’s a bright chilly day.

I meditated, worked out a little, and now I’m ready, I think, to dive into Pervette…

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Time to pray to Guanyin..

11:33am

 

At 11:11, I called you.

Because I wanted your word.

I was holding on to hope.

Then it went to voicemail.

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I’m sweating under my arms. It’s a good sign.

I’m working on yet another new beginning.

This time.

Is it about me?

Or is it about you?

2:55pm

My scent makes me want to masturbate..

 

4:11pm

I didn’t masturbate. Instead I did some window shopping. Agent Provocateur, Bordelle, Fleet Ilya, Red Valentino, Maje, Uniqlo. I put some items in a cart. And decided I didn’t really need it.

Was that a waste of time?

Maybe I should’ve masturbated.

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I searched for books on Amazon.

Magic: Its Ritual, Purpose and Power

A Manual of Sex Magick

The Timothy Leary Project

Universal Methods of Design

The Anatomy of Treehouses

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I added them to my cart, then to my wishlist..

But I kept the used copy of The Timothy Leary Project and The Anatomy of Treehouses in my cart.

Yes I got them both.

It was under $20 for two used books.

It’s research material for Pervette and my future home.

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I know it’s a compulsion.

I should meditate. Or masturbate.

 

10:10pm

 

I’m home. I just got back from M’s going away gathering. She’s taking off tomorrow for Myanmar to live in a monastery and be ordained as a nun. She’ll be gone for a year at least.

She has already shaved her head. She looks like Joan of Arc.

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M connected me with J, a young domme, who just started at the Gates this past August and is now ready to leave. She gripes about how bad it is. The 7 hour shifts, the lousy cut, the chores, the overall jankiness of the place. I tell her she’s ready to go indie. And gave her next steps. Photoshoot. Website. Eros Guide ad. I told her I’d be happy to have her shadow me when I session again. And I can bring her in as a double since she does FBSM and I think that would make for a fun double. Just like that something was lifted and she got giddy and excited. She’s been wanting a mentor.

It felt I gave her my blessing to move on to the next level in domming-Becoming an independent.

It’s funny how she’s been there for almost 4 months and she’s ready to leave. I was there for 4 and a half years, and if it weren’t for the rumors of it getting raided, I wouldn’t have left so abruptly.

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F was also at the gathering, I had texted her about procuring some chocolate mushrooms. She brought 20. I got 10. Then on second thought. I got all 20.

You can never have enough.

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I chatted with M’s ex, P7. It turns out he works at galleries and does video editing. I ask if I can pay him to give me a tutorial on Premiere Pro. He says for sure.

Awesome.

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I had brought some Paleo Puffs and 4 persimmons.

I peeled them and shared them with J, who never had persimmons before.

2 weeks ago, I brought 4 persimmons to IRC and before we went into noble silence, I peeled one and shared them with a 2 other yogis, who also never had a persimmon before.

There’s something about introducing a new fruit to someone.

And watching them sink their teeth into it and experience it, a new taste and texture.

You can’t describe it to them, you can only offer them a direct experience.

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P3 was there, she actually lived right above where M was staying. She got food poisoning the day before and was having trouble standing up.

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M was telling me how upset her mom was, she thinks M is selfish. And losing it.

Her sister tried to stage an intervention over Thanksgiving.

They’re treating her like she’s a drug addict.

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You should read the Dipa Ma book, M says.

(So I just Amazoned it now)

She mentioned the Berkeley Psychic Institute

(I just looked into classes now)

She did a psychic reading with Dori Midnight

(Just looked her up, I own two of her tinctures: Witche, Bitches, and Hos & Full Moon)

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I thought I was gonna be there for just a minute but I was the second to last there. I asked M if the 3 of us could

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What I put inside me: ACV, lemon water, tiny nibble on a chocolate mushroom (which was a great idea) a hot drink with Tonic Alchemy and bone broth chocolate protein, maca, mucuna, cacao, Bulletproof chocolate collagen; a giant salad with walnuts, avocado, blueberries, egg, and goat chevre; paleo puffs and persimmons I brought over to Mel’s gathering; a cube of aged goat cheese at 9:44pm; did not intermittent fast today

What I bought: $100 for 20 chocolate mushrooms, $21 on The Timothy Leary Experiment and Anatomy of a Treehouse books, $8 on Dipa Ma book

Things I’m happy I did: Meditated (in the morning, in the evening with M), chanted, worked on Pervette, saw M before she left, met J and gave her my blessing, connected with P7, moved slowly and mindfully

 

Monday, November 26th, 2018 11:33am

 

Dear You,

I should be starting a new page for this week. I will.

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There’s much to do, reading for my class tomorrow, I want to take the aerial class tonight, I want to read and write and pervette.

This morning has been a meditative morning of morning pages, meditating into the mirror, cleaning the kitchen, praying at the altar, and adding a peacock feather to my smashed rattle.

I also crossed a few items off my to do list..

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I’m ready to read and write now.

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I don’t know when I’ll have the time to go back and fill in my days these past few weeks. They were eventful, some were recorded, I won’t forget them.

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I think about P2’s words how he sometimes can get drunk on poetry. I want to do that.

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There are so many conversations and details swimming in my mind, I wish I can record them all here right now. But I need to work on the beginning of Pervette

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I started phase 1, “The Cleanse,” of my Plant Paradox program. It’s pretty much just all veggies for the 72 hours.

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I think I feel microdose of the mushroom

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I’m going to read a little poetry, pervette, then read my Buddhist readings..

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Ever since the rain came, the garden is electric green and vibrant red.

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Note to self: If I ever feel sluggish, start cleaning..

The act of decluttering and making space is incredibly invigorating and energizing.

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Rattle, I cried,

You were taken from me

And returned

Smashed on one side.

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In my hands

I hold you

And turn you around

Because you still make that sound

Breaking through

This is what I always wanted for you

The eye of an peacock feather

Amber, green, and blue

Attached with twine and glue

Now you have two sides

One shows its pain

The other never looks back

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9:09pm

Aerial class was so much fun tonight. I love my teacher and the group, and the space, and the instruction, and the music. It’s perfect.

I’m so happy P is switching things up and is coming up on Wednesday/Thursday- Friday instead of Sunday-Tuesday. Now I can go to my Monday class.

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My gosh, I made my diet more restrictive than I needed it to be. Turns out I can eat walnuts, pistachios during the cleanse phase. I had the most boring salad for lunch, with just avocados and shredded carrots. And I was so craving something crunchy, like the walnuts in my pantry.

And it turns out I can also have lemon water. That would’ve helped immensely.I thought it was a no to all fruits, including lemons.

Now I’m sipping on my first lemon water of the day.

Sheesh.

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I was feeling so unsatisfied with just nothing but veggies.

I needed protein.

After class, I headed to Berkeley Bowl, got some wild caught halibut and black cod and grain-free tempeh.

Oh I made my first stir fry today. That was nice.

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I broke my fast around 1:30 and fasted again after my early dinner at 5.

I have to say, I did pretty well in terms of disciplining myself.

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I also went for a walk around 3:30, which is the perfect time to be out. During the magic hour.

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I haven’t started my reading for class tomorrow morning.

I should get started..

 

Wednesday, 10:38pm

 

My gosh, it’s dumping rain right now..

 

Thursday, November 29, 2018

 

Dear You,

I woke up this morning slightly agitated. Somehow I got it in my head that I’m not getting enough words of encouragement from P. Maybe it’s from reading the chapter on Words of Affirmation in The 5 Love Languages, where there was this anecdote about this woman who upon hearing her husband praise her on her writing/story, she gathered the courage to finish her book and then she became a prolific author. Anyways.. In my mind I kept rewinding back to moments when P sounded dismissive when I talked about Pervette. Like I’m all talk, and I have nothing to prove. It doesn’t mean anything to him unless it can make money. Maybe he’s just like his mom, super hyper-critical.

Maybe that’s why I keep on thinking this doesn’t look like much.

It’s just my silly art project.

Anyways, my mind went into this crazy loop.

I got emotional.  I started talking to (imaginary) him. I even cried, saying the words that I wish he would say to me.

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Then I masturbated. Felt better. Got up. Lit a candle, incense. Prayed to Guanyin. I went into the orgy room. I meditated to the sound of the trees. P called. He said he’s on his way from jetsuite into the city, but traffic is bad. So he’s going to have the uber driver drop him off at Bart. He has his carryon, which he brought because it has the stuff I couldn’t fit into my carryon Saturday. He’s gong to have the uber driver deliver it to me. In 45 minutes. I told him I’ll be here.

45 min. I can actually meditate between now and when the uber driver arrives. I’m going to commit to it. For the first time since the retreat I had a long(ish) sit.

I sat in the orgy room, at a corner of the play pen, facing Cutie, facing the glass doors, facing the trees, swaying in the wind.

I closed my eyes..

Pages came to me..

I believe in you 

This is just an experiment

Through my closed eyes, I saw the sun come and go.

I wanted to open my eyes

But I kept them closed.

It was a different way of experiencing the sun come and go between the clouds.

It was a powerful sit. I chanted, I cried.

I don’t words of encouragement from P. I just need to give them to myself.

The whole loopI had earlier was just a prompt for me to write the words I needed to hear to myself. In the 2nd person. So that these words can be not just for me but for anybody who needs them like me.

A lot of ideas came to me in between moments of being fully present.

Thinking. Awareness. Thinking. Awareness.

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Then I realized, what was I thinking? P has been super incredibly supportive. If it weren’t for him, Pervette wouldn’t even exist. It was his idea that I should start blogging. He was the one he bought me this domain pervette.com for my birthday, which was a whopping $5K. He got me this house, which kinda got me out of the workaholic mode, because all I want to do is be here now.

It was a good sit. Then I heard a car honking. I got up, looked for my pants. Went out and got P’s carryon.

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I can’t remember if it was right after the powerful sit that I decided to take a nibble of the chocolate mushroom on the altar.

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L texted asking for my address, she wants to send me something. P e-mailed, saying he sent a wire to pay off my $14K credit card debt (we worked it so that I pay him 2K a month for the next 7 months. That way I don’t have to pay my crazy 18% interest.

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Then I started pervetting. I felt like words were coming out without thought. It was super stream of consciousness. I’m almost afraid to look back at them now. Because in the moment it felt so good to let it flow, words and tears. Was it all gibberish?

It doesn’t matter. I was in a trance. I definitely felt the mushrooms. To write slightly in an altar state feels amazing. Like I’m channeling something.

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It was dumping rain while I was writing, I love this weather. It’s sunny and wet.

I opened P’s carryon. Inside was my favorite glass bottle. The one I use to hold/transport my tea. It’s a recycled juice glass bottle from a brand that doesn’t exist anymore. The cap is missing, P accidentally threw it away last week.

And the other thing in his carry on was a bag of Hickory smoked pistachio kernals. I started snacking on it while i wrote. I felt like I needed some food to ground me from the mushroom high.

He carried his carry-on just to bring me my glass bottle and pistachios.

I knew that if I brought the pistachios home with me Saturday, I would have inhaled it then and there, possibly affecting my cleanse.

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I wish I wrote to you when I was high. I kinda wanna know how I sound when I’m in this strange altered state. I feel like this wiser version of me comes through. She’s from another dimension. Maybe the future.

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I made a spinach salad, this time with egg, blueberries and goat cheese added to the walnuts, avocado, and carrots. I’m officially in Phase 2 of the plant Paradox program, I can have dairy and some fruit. What a luxury.

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I find that when I’m in a flow, if I eat a meal, it totally takes me out of that flow. Another good reason to intermittent fast and do all my pervetting before lunchtime.

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Practicing mindful eating is super hard sometimes. It’s so easy to get lost in thought when you eat. Every bite is a reminder, was I really aware of what was in my mouth or was I thinking of something else?

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I meditatively ate and cleaned.

I can’t remember how the time went by, I did have a lot of cleaning to do after my photoshoot last night. I put away all the latex, I organized my agent provocatuer stockings, etc.

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A texted, the piece on our last breakup bootcamp was written up in Playboy

I read it. There was mention of me domming the author. How I took off my top and had her face all in them. And I made her suck my thumb.

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Curly from Griffin Motorworke called. They thought that creaky sound was gone after they replaced the arms of something. But after having one guy turn the wheel as another was jumping on the car, they still heard it, less so than before. They need another day with the car. Sure.

I was cleaning and getting ready, constantly moving until P got home around 5:30.

Why are you so muppety and cute? he keeps on asking me.

It’s true, being around him makes me very muppety.

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I told him I needed some time to go over the questions that will be asked for my radio interview. So he took that time to set up his football thing.

I went over the questions and quickly thought of what I might say.

Then I had to go. I told P he can tune into KPFA at 7pm if he wants to hear me on the radio. He said he will

I got an uber and zipped down the hill. The station was conveniently close to home.

It was my first time at a radio station. G, C a and E were super sweet, nerdy and cute. We had a few minutes before we went on air. They went over words I can’t say on radio. Like shit, fuck and tits.

Right before we went on air, with out headphones on, they both were nervous they said. You seem so calm, G said. I was slightly meditating..

Then we went on air…

 

Saturday, Dec 1, 2018 6:00pm

Tahoe

 

Dear You,

I’m in Tahoe

In deep monk mode

With my lover.

No.

We didn’t have sex.

I just love him

That’s all.

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My goodness, so much has happened.

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I will catch you up, I promise…

 

Back to my previous week