Sunday, Nov 4, 2018 10:10pm

Round Table – Berkeley

 

Dear You,

I woke up this morning from a dream I couldn’t fully remember other than it was a vivid one when I was dreaming it. What caught my eye was the way this person wrote something on a poster with two columns of writing. A possible clue on how to structure a page on pervette.

Cutie was to my left and she had her hat on her head like she was ready to go somewhere. Her hat is usually never on, just tied around her neck. That’s weird.

The white cat with 2 brown spots walk by my door and peers in and looks at me as I write my morning pages.

.

I feel like the right side of my hair looks a little blunt on the bottom, should I fix it?

(grab my thinning shears and snip snip snip)

.

There. Much better.

I think over the years of cutting my own hair, I’ve mastered the art of creating waves in my hair. When I hold my thinning shears a certain way, with the blade facing a certain way and I grab parts of my hair a certain way, and snip snip snip. But it’s intuitive and I can never really replicate it exactly.

.

My stylist was upset with his business partner and telling me about how she’s not pulling her weight when he was cutting my hair. I had a feeling it would translate into a not so great haircut.

At the end, I was like I think one side is longer than the other.

Oh yeah, he fixes it.

It’s not a terrible haircut, no one can tell I even cut my hair (that’s how I like it), but I can tell, it’s not quite how I like it.

I’m not too attached, it’ll grow out.

.

P is coming hime today, flying in at 12:55pm.

I should tidy up.

So I tidied up the bathroom, my closet and his, then upstairs I tackled the kitchen, the round table, my out of control tincture collection. OCD style.

.

I got super overwhelmed by the stacks and stacks of books in the library. I have so many books I want to read. I don’t ever know how I can begin to organize them all.  Every book I pick up I just want to flip through and start reading.

I start reading the Dieter Ram book on his 10 principles of design.

Every book is a distillation of someone’s thoughts.

Every book is wisdom.

.

I showered and washed my hair thoroughly since I went crazy with the oil massage on my scalp last night and this morning.

It worked. My hair looks shiny and super healthy.

.

When I was organizing my closet, I got inspired to wear something cute.

I usually wear my uniform, my black drop crotch pants and tank top, basically my most comfortble outfit ever.

But today, I felt like jazzing it up for P, and the weather was so nice.

I tried on an old blue and white gingham dress. I used to be so crazy about gingham in my twenties. Now I just feel like a picnic blanket.

I tried on a few pinafores and decided on the black one with a  comfy bandeau bra underneath.

I even went into the show closet and picke dout a pair of flats I’ve never worn.

.

I haven’t really done this in a while. Like dress up and actually check the mirror several times to see how I look. I almost forgot how it felt to get ready for someone..

Oh shit, it’s already quarter past noon. I start zooming around, last second tidying up and I drive over to JetSuiteX. I arrive at 12:54.

P was like whoa, you’re wearing a dress. And you look like a female.

Yeah, you know, I thought I would change it up a bit.

We’re so muppety around each other we don’t even know how to act any other way.

We were both really happy to see each other.

.

I like this ritual of picking each other up form the airport. It feels good to look forward to eah other.

.

We head to Belcampo. I’ve been thinking about their burger for weeks now.

.

It’s a 20 min wait says the hostess. What about the bar? Oh yeah, it’s open, you can grab a seat anywhere.

We’re always so confused as to why people prefer table seating.

We sit at the bar. We always sit at the bar, that way we can sit  side by side.

I  place cutie on the empty bar stool to the right of me, she’s sitting on top of my black sweater, next to my purse.

I got my burger. It was so yummy. Brioche bun and all.

.

Excuse me, is anybody sitting here?  This guy with his girl wants to take the barstool Cutie is sitting in and the empty seat next to her.

Oh, no you can take it. I wipe the hamburger juices off my  hands with my cloth napkin and grab Cutie and put her in my purse

She can sit here, P says, as I hand  Cutie and my purse to him. He sets her down on the barstool next to him.

He laughs in my ear, Is anybody sitting here?  He acts like she’s not even there.

I know! I said.

.

There’s a farmer’s maket right outside Belcampo, I start walking towards the booths, P drags me the other direction towards the car.

Aww c’mon!

He says, hey look! There’s a bird.

No there isn’t.

I’m talkiing about the bird scooter, you wanna ride one.

No, I didn’t bring my kneepads. And my evolving scars are still healing..

.

On the ride home, P tells me there’s a domme we both know who’s copying my style. All her photos look like my photos.

I guess I’m flattered.

.

We get home. I can’t stop OCD tidying up.

I line up P’s wallet, sunglasses, and vape pen in a straight line on the bench.

He catches a football game. I bring my macbook out and Samyutta Nikaya book to the bistro table outside, it’s getting just ever so slightly a bit chilly. I start my reading my assigned reading. We’re reading the Sacca Samyutta this week.

Sacca means truth.

.

P comes out and starts peeing on the lawn.

Um..excuse me Mupps..

Excuse me, can I get some privacy here?

He goes back inside, I continue reading.

.

A little bit later, I come inside. He comes up to me.

And we head towards the orgy room. And fuck.

.

P said he was horny this morning but decided not to masturbate, he was saving himself.

It’s been 2 weeks since we had sex. It was the Wednesday in NY. Before he got sick

He’s still sick, but not that sick.

He comes, it’s 4:44. Can we rinse off and catch the sunset from out lookout point in time?

We hustle.

.

And we made it.

(as you can see above)

.

P has been going deep in space.

He was listening to the Apollo 13 recordings

It was a close call, he descirbes to me as the sun sets.

.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned how often P takes about the moon.

So much that I’m 44% sure that he’s gonna go to the moon.

.

I’ve thought about it too. Ever since the #dearmoon project I keep thinking about how cool it would be to be one of the 8 chosen artists to go on the moon.

It means I need to get going on being an artist.

.

We make a trip to Whole Foods to pickup the staples.

On the ride back, P snakcs on his Hi Quispy chocolate bar, I snak on these Kale veggie chips.

.

Whoa that’s a lot of salt, I say as I watch P sprinkle a ton of salt on to the sweet potatoes.

No I’ve done this so many times in Santa Monica, I have the same salt, he says dismissively.

Actually you have the Real Salt with the red cap, this is the real Salt with blue cap, which is fine grain, yours is not fine grain, it’s much larger.

He pauses. This is why we don’t have kids, he says. I guess that’s his way of saying I hate it how you’re always right.

.

40 min later, he says the sweet potatos are so salty.

.

I’m writing  to you as P watch the Packers vs Patriots game.

I take a break and join him in the moon room. We both have our hand in our pants, totally broing out.

.

 

Dear You,

I woke up this morning from a dream I couldn’t fully remember other than it was a vivid one when I was dreaming it. What caught my eye was the way this person wrote something on a poster with two columns of writing. A possible clue on how to structure a page on pervette.

Cutie was to my left and she had her hat on her head like she was ready to go somewhere. Her hat is usually never on, just tied around her neck. That’s weird.

The white cat with 2 brown spots walk by my door and peers in and looks at me as I write my morning pages.

.

I feel like the right side of my hair looks a little blunt on the bottom, should I fix it?

I grab my thinning shears and snip snip snip.

.

My stylist was upset with his business partner and telling me about how she’s not pulling her weight when he was cutting my hair. I had a feeling it would translate into a not so great haircut.

At the end, I was like I think one side is longer than the other.

Oh yeah, he fixes it.

It’s not a terrible haircut, no one can tell I even cut my hair (that’s how I like it), but I can tell, it’s not quite how I like it.

I’m not too attached, it’ll grow out.

.

P is coming hime today, flying in at 12:55pm.

I should tidy up.

So I tidied up the bathroom, my closet and his, then upstairs I tackled my out of control tincture collection. OCD style.

.

I got very overwhelmed by the stacks and stacks of books in the library. I have so many books I want to read. Every book I pickup I want to flip through.

Every book is a basically a distilliationof someone’s thoughts.

.

I showered and washed my hair thoroughly since I went crazy with the oil massage on my scalp last night and this morning.

.

When I was organizing my closet, I got inspired to wear something cute.

I usually wear my uniform, my black drop crotch pants and tank top, basically my most comfortble outfit ever.

But today, I felt like jazzing it up for P, and the weather was so nice.

I tried on an old blue and white gingham dress. I used to be so crazy about gingham in my twenties. Now I just feel like a picnic blanket.

I tried on a few pinafores and decided on the black one with a  comfy bandeau bra underneath.

I even went into the show closet and picke dout a pair of flats I’ve never worn.

.

I haven’t really done this in a while. Like dress up and actually check the mirror several times to see how I look. I almost forgot how it felt to get ready for someone..

Oh shit, it’s already quarter past noon. I start zooming around, last second tidying up and I drive over to JetSuiteX. I arrive at 12:54.

P was like whoa, you’re wearing a dress. And you look like a female.

Yeah, you know, I thought I would change it up a bit.

We’re so muppety around each other we don’t even know how to act any other way.

We were both really happy to see each other.

.

I like this ritual of picking each other up form the airport. It feels good to look forward to eah other.

.

We head to Belcampo. I’ve been thinking about their burger for weeks now.

.

It’s a 20 min wait says the hostess. What about the bar? Oh yeah, it’s open, you can grab a seat anywhere.

We’re always so confused as to why people prefer table seating.

We sit at the bar. We always sit at the bar, that way we can sit  side by side.

I  place cutie on the empty bar stool to the right of me, she’s sitting on top of my black sweater, next to my purse.

I got my burger. It was so yummy. Brioche bun and all.

.

Excuse me, is anybody sitting here?  This guy with his girl wants to take the barstool Cutie is sitting in and the empty seat next to her.

Oh, no you can take it. I wipe the hamburger juices off my  hands with my cloth napkin and grab Cutie and put her in my purse

She can sit here, P says, as I hand  Cutie and my purse to him. He sets her down on the barstool next to him.

He laughs in my ear, Is anybody sitting here?  He acts like she’s not even there.

I know! I said.

.

There’s a farmer’s maket right outside Belcampo, I start walking towards the booths, P drags me the other direction towards the car.

Aww c’mon!

He says, hey look! There’s a bird.

No there isn’t.

I’m talkiing about the bird scooter, you wanna ride one.

No, I didn’t bring my kneepads. And my evolving scars are still healing..

.

We get home. I can’t stop OCD tidying up.

I line up P’s wallet, sunglasses, and vape pen in a straight line on the bench.

He catches a football game. I bring my macbook out and Samyutta Nikaya book to the bistro table outside, it’s getting just ever so slightly a bit chilly. I start my reading my assigned reading. We’re reading the Sacca Samyutta this week.

Sacca means truth.

.

P comes out and starts peeing on the lawn.

Um..excuse me Mupps..

Excuse me, can I get some privacy here?

Hegoes back inside, I continue reading.

.

A little bit later, I come inside. He comes up to me.

And we head towards the orgy room. And fuck.

.

P said he was horny this morning bu decided not to masturbate, he was saving himself.

It’s been 2 weeks since we had sex. It was the Wednesday in NY. Before he got sick

He’s still sick, but not that sick.

He comes, it’s 4:44. Can we rinse off and catch the sunset from out lookout point in time?

We hustle.

.

And we made it.

(as you can see above)

.

We’re kinda already getting used to this daylight savings.

P says in 6 more weeks the days will start getting longer.

That’s not that bad.

P has been going deep in space.

He was listening to the Apollo 13 recordings

It was a close call, he describes to me as the sun sets.

.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned how often P takes about the moon.

So much that I’m 44% sure that he’s gonna go to the moon.

.

I’ve thought about it too. Ever since the #dearmoon project I keep thinking about how cool it would be to be one of the 8 chosen artists to go on the moon.

It means I need to get going on being an artist.

.

I show P a picture I took of P2’s forearm with a cutout of Cutie’s photo on it.

P2’s gonna get a tattoo of Cutie on his arm.

P shakes his head, You can’t let him.

Why not? He loves her. And this way he always has her with him in his arm.

I can’t remember what P said. I remember saying, You don’t get it that’s all.

.

I kinda like being too weird.

It’s the things I see and other’s can’t see.

That’s where the magic is.

.

 

We make a trip to Whole Foods to pickup the staples.

On the ride back, P snacks on the Quispy Hu chocolate bar, I snack on these Kale veggie chips.

.

Whoa that’s a lot of salt, I say as I watch P sprinkle a ton of salt on to the sweet potatoes.

No I’ve done this so many times in Santa Monica, I have the same salt, he says dismissively.

Actually you have the Real Salt with the red cap, this is the real Salt with blue cap, which is fine grain, yours is not fine grain, it’s much larger.

He pauses. This is why we don’t have kids, he says. I guess that’s his way of saying I hate it how you’re always right.

.

40 min later, he says the sweet potatoes are so salty.

.

I’m writing  to you as P watch the Packers vs Patriots game.

I take a break and join him in the moon room. We both have our hand in our (own) pants, totally broing out.

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon ginger tea, Belcampo burger, a few tallow french fries, P’s broccollini dipped in his poached eggs, small glass of green smoothie I made, raspberries, chaga tea, veggie chips, a giant salad I made for me and P, sweet potatoes

 

Monday, November 5, 2018 9:39am

Round Table

 

Dear You,

It’s been a pretty packed morning with P.

We woke up a little before 7. P feels better. For the first time since NY, he feels like he’s over the hump of this cold. I took to humping his leg, mupp style. I got into it, adjusting my position, then swinging my arm like I’m a cowgirl or something.

.

Then P gave us 4 min 44 sec to get out the door to go to Blue Bottle.

.

We got 2 lattes, one for P, one for me to dunk our croissant in.

.

We wrote out our morning pages. Then I write that maybe I need to have a set time for pervetting like 9:44am-12:12pm.

I did the math, that’s 2 hours and 28 min.

Of writing everyday.

That doesn’t count journaling to you.

I mean building out the main part of Pervette.

I need to chip at it everyday.

I built the discipline to write to you everyday.

Now I’m ready to work on Pervette.

Oh shit.

It’s 9:44.

I gotta pervette…

.

(incense lit, prayer to Guan Yin, tiny nibble of the mushroom chocolate that was sitting on the altar)

.

 

.

(memory added days later)

When we got back, I started taking off my sweatpants, with one pant leg on, I decided I wanted to run and jump onto the bed. Unbeknowst to me, P stepped on the other pant leg, which resulted in me stopping short of the bed in mid air, flailing my arms, WHoa! I did a mupp face plant on the rug next to the bed. P cracked up laughing. I was in a daze. I was a total muppet in some slapstick sitcom.

Oh whoa I could’ve gotten hurt, I said, inspecting my knees.

You should’ve seen your arms! he said, he does these wild cycles and mimicked my WHoa!

I really do love it when I can crack P up, even if it means getting a rug burn.

.

If I wrote out every account of us laughing in a day, I would need a few hours each night to get it all down.

The secret to our relationship is that we’re constantly laughing, at each other, at ourselves. The mupps don’t know how to take anything seriously.

12:14pm

Dear You,

Oh my god, I did it.

I sat and wrote from 9:44 to 12:12

(well I got up to eat some cheese

and cheese puffs ((grain-free)))

But anyways,

I did it. I wrote.

The meta level

I plugged in the new 3rd page

It’s all rough, but the new plug in is pushing to just write.

.

I finally see

all this journaling to you has paid off

.

In committing to writing to you

I found my voice in my writing

I found confidence in my words

I found a way to just write

.

This bullet or dot format totally works

.

And it was just a few days ago, when I realized

If I can just flow here

I can flow anywhere

All pages

Are my streams of consciousness

.

I’ll edit and organize them later

if I want to

.

But the point is to just keep writing

let it come out

everything that’s been swimming in my head

.

I don’t know if you can sense this

But that realization that I can stream anywhere

plus the practice and commitment of writing to you (paying off)

And now the added practice of writing out the paths of Pervette

daily

This is a fucking milestone.

.

This is how Pervette is going to grow..

With my self-confidence

And my commitment to write

Everyday.

.

Holy fuck.

.

I just want to thank you for reading.

For being a part of my process.

And essentially

For being a part of my world..

 

.

To reward myself, I’m looking at Cutie’s blog

P2 has done such a nice job of capturing Cutie around the house

And beyond

.

The pairing of the poetry and the imagery

is so perfectly complimentary

.

It’s inspiring me for pervette

.

OCD me wants to tell him

Everywhere he places her

he has to dust that area off thoroughly

I don’t want her bright pink outfit

(that my mom knitted for her)

to lose its brightness.

.

And that’s a good way to have him dust more

.

I’m listening to my conversation with Jared on his podcast, Touchpoint, when I was in NY the other week.

He talks too much. And is slightly ADHD.

I’m glad I finally did get to the point. That last 8 minutes is all you really need to hear.

.

I promised Jared I would post my podcast on social media so I tweeted it.

After a many months break from Twitter.

I got sucked in.

.

Top tweet:

28 year old Australian dies

After eating garden slug

on a dare

8 years ago.

.

The newest top tweet:

Newlyweds dies in helicopter crash

leaving their wedding

.

It seems like we have a fixation on

unimaginable tragedy

.

Oh my god, I was topping off the hot tub since the water level was a few inches below the top, I prolly just needed to leave the water on 15 min or so.

I left the water running for 5 and a half hours.

I just ran downstairs with Cutie to turn it off.

Jesus Christ.

.

 

Okay I gotta finally start doing my reading for class.

9:44pm

 

P comes home, we fuck in the orgy room.

During our foreplay, he laughs at me and inadvertently spits his herbal tea in my face.

.

Oh my god. I’m so glad I went to my aerial class

High on Level’s Viper Cookies.

.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018 3:11pm

Backyard – Berkeley

 

Dear You,

 

My gosh it’s such a lovely day. I’m writing to you outside. With Cutie. Filling up the hot tub (again), this time with a timer.

.

We woke up around 7 this morning. I really enjoy waking up with P. Sometimes it feels like two kids getting ready for a day of play, starting in bed. Our voices are muppety. Sometimes we talk at length and laugh about me, usually.

Since N didn’t get back to him about coming over to see the house to buy it, P decides to grab the 8:55am flight back to LA. He proposes we got to Blue Bottle and journal and from there he’ll grab an uber to JetSuite.

What about pancakes? I asked, Don’t you want pancakes.

We’ll do pancakes before we take off, P says.

P opened the glass door of the bedroom and walked into the deck. It’s amazing how lush the backyard looks for this time of year.

Hey Mupps, why don’t you check the water level, I suggest, thinking he would say it’s filled to the brim.

He pulls books the wooden lid, reaches his whole arm inside, I thought he was joking creating some illusion like it’s empty.

He says, It’s empty.

Wha??

I ran outside and peered in the hot tub. It was empty.

How could this be?

Oh no I think I broke it. I must’ve ruined the wood with the overflowing water or something. And now it’s broken. It’s all my fault.

I went back into the room and buried my head into the comforter.

It’s not your fault, P says dismissively.

Yeah it is.

No it’s nobody’s fault.

Maybe it was way of making me feel better, he has a way of being rational and not really consoling. I have to say I respond to a consoling tone way better. But anyways, at least he doesn’t think it’s my fault.

I did feel terrible. I probably spiked the water bill and now the hot tub doesn’t hold water for some reason.

We’ll just get it fixed. It’s no big deal, P says.

He’s right. He thought it was funny how I was all Hey Mupps, why don’t you check the water, as if I was so certain it was full, and then it was totally not.

The mystery of the disappearing water.

.

We got ready, P made a giant pancake with the rest of the batter I made, it was super fluffy.

After we ate, I asked if we had 5 minutes for a surprise.

P looked at the clock, hesitated for a sec but said yes, I ran tot he library, pulled some packets of the developed photos and brought them to the round table.

And we walked down memory lane together. The photos I had finally developed tracked our time even before we moved into this house..

Albany, Tokyo Ritz Carlton, Calistoga Ranch, LA, Midtown Tokyo, all these places don’t mean anything to you, I’ll describe its context and relevance later.

There were many photos of P around the house when we first moved it..

I love this one..

It’s a picture of P soaking in our hot tub just as it got done being put together by the contractors. You can see the deck wasn’t even fully built out. Piles of construction tools are to the right of the tub.

We were so excited to test out our new tub.

.

Oh shit. It’s 7:44am. We were supposed to be at Blue Bottle by now and P was supposed to take off form Blue Bottle at 8 to catch his 8:55 flight. We motored, I wrapped my giant buddhist scripture and wrapped it in my japanese cloth. I made my special tea. Quickly.

And we took off.

.

P ordered a latte to go, a croissant for me, and then another latte for here for me to dip my croissant in and a tea for me to drink.

.

It took longer than we thought, some upset dreadlocked hair girl on the verge of crying distracted the barrista from making our lattes, and had to run back somewhere. P had to tell the uber driver to wait a minute, eventually they got to making our drinks, and just as they were pouring the latte in the ceramic cup for here (oh shit we wish they were pouring it in a to go cup), P said he should go, it’s not worth missing his flight for a latte.

.
So I had two lattes to dunk my croissant in,  as I wrote out my morning pages, read the Samyutta Nikaya my reading for class.

I manage to finish my writing just minutes before class. It’s funny how I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday about procrastinating my reading. It’s as if I knew I would be fine.

.

I asked the Vietnamese monk next to me in class how do you translate this vietnamese expression “di tu” in English. He says, go forth.

Oh.. as in go forth and become a monk or nun, I see.

He asks me if I know of any great Buddhist modern teacher.  Because he wants to study with him. I said I only know of one, and we’re sitting in his class, Gil Fronsdal.

I’m not going to use a letter for his name so you can actually learn more about him.

(Listen to his dharma talks on audiodharma)

.

I am grateful that I audited this class. It’s the perfect class (for me).

It’s small. 12 students. I like the group a lot. It’s really diverse. Asian monks, queers, from mid 20’s to 60’s, a few non-binaries.

And our two teachers Gil and D, are incredible thoughtful and brilliant.

The class is extremely thought provoking.

I mean we’re supposedly reading the OG of Buddhist texts.

And Gil’s done some deep reading and analysis into them.

And he shares his theories with us.

His thesis on each chapter is methodically thought through, pretty airtight and kinda totally radical.

For instance, this week he’s debunking the claim that the Four Noble Truths was Buddha’s first teaching.

He walks us through what he believes is a wrong translation of a pali word (arising vs. origin, cause). And how the Four Noble Truths can be delineated into this step process of stream-entry to full awakening. It’s actually really hard to describe to you what he was saying. But anyways, the point is, it’s pretty remarkable.

And the way he talks, it’s soft and gripping. With a hint of humor.

I’m constantly wide-eyed, leaning in, and taking notes (and I got the recorder going). It feels like I have a boddhisattva archeologist detective as a teacher.

I love watching him, seeing how he engages us. I can study him forever.

In a way, I want to be like him.

I actually don’t know how he does it. How does he manage to run both IRC (in Santa Cruz), IMC (in Mountain View), teach at IBS (in Berkeley), meditate daily, and write all these essays and books.

And how lucky am I that I get to see him almost every Tuesday in class. And class is just a drive down the hill.

And also I feel grateful that I have been in 2 silent retreats with him as my teacher, and I’m going to my 4th retreat next week with him there again.

.

I don’t mind this Daylight Savings time change, it actually feels kinda cozy to stay in and read and write. With less sunny hours in the day, I can maybe bemore productive.

.

After class, I decided to go for a walk to the Berkeley Art Museum to check out the rubber stamps they have at the museum store.

The lady that came up to me a few weeks ago told me they have new stamps coming in weekly and it’s always different.

I was hoping they would have the Guan Yin stamp.

My god, it was a such a bright and sunny day.

Oh wait, BAM is closed on Tuesdays.

I kept on walking. Stepped into the mini Target to get some Sensodyne toothpaste (I think the lemon water is making my teeth sensitive).

I decided to stroll by the new crepe place I’ve been wanting to check out.

It’s right next to the Berkeley Public library. They have outdoor seating. I’m not hungry but what the hell. I just wanna give it a try.

No one was at the register, there was an ipad that was spun around facing me, is it a new concept? Self-order? So I started punching in my order. Galette complet, no add-ons.

Total 13.11. I select cash as my mode of payment. The cash register opens.

I select printer receipt. The receipt prints out.

An African American clerk comes in and asks what I would like. I told him I already placed my order. I thought it was do it yourself. He laughs. I pretty much just did his job for him.

I sat outside. The weather was so perfect.

My crepe came. It looked nice. Their crepes are gluten-free, that’s good. But let me tell you, the taste is nowhere near that of Paris.

I ate all of the salad that came with the crepe and then I ate 2/3 of the crepe, the egg, some of the ham, most of the crepe, but avoided the gruyere cheese.

I tried to enjoy each bite. I’m glad I had it and it was mediocre. Now the craving is totally out of my system.

All I really want to eat now is super clean grain-free yummy food that I make myself.

You have to understand, I used to think I couldn’t cook, now all I want to do is cook for myself.

.

Afterwards I walked back to my car parked at IBS, I passed by the window front of Pegasus books. I’m not gonna buy any books. There were comics in the window. Cometbus’s latest issue. He’s still making zines? Hmm.. I decided to go in. They have 1.75 records by the door. I pick out a Barabar Streisand one. It’s for my circular bag that doesn’t seem circular when I carry it. If I put this record in there, it’ll maintain its circular shape better.

In the new paperbacks section I pick up Oliver Sacks River of Consciousness and start reading the chapter of The Creative Self. It’s really good. Maybe I can just read the whole chapter and not buy the book? I read for a while. God it’s good! And it’s along chapter. Maybe I can just Amazon it later. But I should support my local bookstore. And I want to rad the rest of this chapter today.

I head to the zine section. I examine the different ways zines are put together. Their sizes and mode of binding varies.

I spin the rack of Cometbus’s zines. I pick up one called Pen Pals. I rad the first 2 pages. It’s so good. It’s only 3 dollars.

The Oliver Sacks book is $16. My crappy crepe was $13. This book is actually really good and it’s forever

(I felt like I got my crappy crepe just so I can justify my awesome book purchase)

I bring the Barbara Streisand record, Cometbus zine and sacks book to the counter. The hipsterish clerk says that Cometbus zine is really good. He says another one that’s really good is The Loneliness of the Electric Menorah. Oh really? If you like Berkeley history, it’s great. I’m into that. We walk over to the rack and he picks up a copy for me.

$26 for 2 zines, a book and record. Not bad.

I can’t help it.

I love books. It’s knowledge. It’s thoughts, It’s potential wisdom. It’s seeing how people string words together.

 

 

5:55pm

 

Dear You,

I just got done with supper. The usual hearty salad. These past fewI don’t really have an appetite (I wonder if it has something to do with the waning moon), but I’m still eating, even when I’m not hungry. Mind hunger.

.

Tuesday afternoons after P leaves, I feel this tiny pang of missing him. But then it fades pretty quickly. The perks of ADHD and having a passion project, I don’t wallow in these mopey feeling for too long. But even then, I enjoy it when it comes.

.

For a minute I wasn’t sure if P was really telling me the truth. That he wanted to catch the earlier so that he can see his acupuncturist.

Last night, his phone lit up as we were watching football on the sofa. He didn’t grab his phone to check it, although I can tell he saw who texted.

I knew it was a chick. I asked who it was. He said it was B, this one SA chick he saw a while back. She asked for 8K a month, which P said no to, and then she threw a hissy fit. And it seem like the end of it.

His time with her was always secretive. He never really told me when he was hanging out with her when he was hanging out with her.

I can’t remember what I asked, does she still want 8k a month? Or how is she?

He said she’s a lot more reasonable now. She texted because she was in town last week.

Did you see her?

Yeah. She came over, I cooked her a meal.

I guess I could ask if they fucked. But I didn’t.

.

P feels like the new him doesn’t want to pay for it anymore. Intimacy.

I think he’s heavily inspired by his time with Neil Strauss and wants to prove to himself that he’s good enough. That he can pick up chicks without having to use money.

I guess that’s a step up. The slightly judgmental side of me that’s been reading too much Buddhist text thinks he’s still craving, reaching. He still needs something.

Validation.

But that’s his journey. He used to use money for instant gratification of intimacy. I guess without it, picking up chicks would require him to hone his social skills, to be the charming man he never had to be because he always established control of any interaction through money.

.

But money also made the transaction much cleaner. The girls couldn’t be that needy or clingy if they got what they really wanted ($$).

.

How is it going to play out when he picks up girls with his charm and they want more of him and his time?

.

Of course I’m curious.

The old me of 2-3 years ago would want to level this game, or win it. By showing him 2 can play at this game. I did that before.

Of course it was so easy for me to line up boys to fuck and fuck around with.

And let me tell you, it was disastrous. For my relationship with P.

.

I have no desire to go there. Thank goodness for meditation and buddhism in my life.

I don’t need it. The validation. The ego games.

Besides I don’t even have time for my friends. Why would I waste time on dick I don’t need or desire.

All I want is peace and harmony in my relationship with P. I want to support him in his journey. Even if it triggers me.

As long as he’s happy and there’s stability in our relationship. And what I need right now is stability. So I can focus on Pervette.

.

It’s 7:24pm.

I’m gonna do some reading (my new Oliver Sacks book) and pervetting.

.

Details: when I got home, I started reading my zines outside, called up the hot tub guy to troubleshoot, called P to tell him I miss him, called Comcast to remove the cable tv (because I never watch TV), set up an appt to get my smog check tomorrow and bring my car in for service later this month. Taking care of business.

.

 

10:10pm

While talking to P, I just activated my ancestry dna kit by spitting in the tube.

 

.

P and I talked about my suspicions..

He texted me earlier this afternoon

Seeing you at 5:30

I replied, Umm is this a misfire Mupps?

He replied *J

Seeing J (his acupuncturist) at 5:30

Right mupp, wrong word

He knew from my text what I was thinking.

I told him he was right, and then I told him how I always felt in the dark about his tryst with that one SA chick.

And then he said he felt something when he saw A (my former lover) text about me going to Tahoe with him.

It was good, we both talked about our insecurities. And it was all aired out.

It felt good.

.

Before P called, I inflated my Airslant slantboard and set it up in the toad room. I opened the glass door of that room and listened to the sounds of the crickets chirping as I laid back. It was such a nice way to meditate.

.

I haven’t done my 2 hours of writing on Pervette. I think I’ll create a page now.

You know that latin expression

Nulla dies sine linea

(That was my mantra during my dissertation days)

I think that same mantra can be applied to Pervette

I’ll add a line to the Pervette Page 3, which will lead to a page…

.

What I put inside me: ACV, plantain pancake shared with P, Dragon Herb magic/shaolin/longan tea blend with maca and mucuna pruriens, croissant dipped in two cups of latte and mint tea at Blue Bottle, a crepe complet (egg, gruyere and ham) at Maison Blue, s hearty salad I made with avocado, almonds, blueberries, duck egg, chicken egg, and parmasean, half an asian pear

What I spent money on: #$8 on Sensodyne toothpaste, $13 on a crappy crepe, $26 on 2 Cometbus zines, Oliver Sacks’ last book River of Consciousness and a Barbara Streisand record (for my circular bag)

 

Wednesday,  November 7, 2018 9:13am

The writing room

 

Dear You,

I’m feeling something bubbling to the top. I feel slightly anxious. Even though I meditated and wrote out my to do list.

It feels like I have a lot to do. And my mind is slightly racing with too many scattered thoughts.

I woke up at 6:37am today. I did my morning rituals, and now I’m here in a new writing spot. When I was meditating I thought I should write in the reading room, that was what we called it when I had a bunch of books lined up against the wall. It’s really the dining room. It has P’s long wooden table from Tokyo.

The sun is lower or something these days, so the usual round table/breakfast nook area is a little bit darker at this hour. I think I want to move around and follow the sun throughout the day.

.

I’ve never really sat at this table, in this room before. Maybe once. It’s actually a very nice place to write. There are no distractions in this room.

.

Maybe it should be called the Typewriter Room since my typewriter collection is here.

.

Last night after my call with P (where he said he felt something when he found out I might be going to Tahoe with A), I laid down on the biomat and slept for a few minutes, When I got up a little past midnight, I saw that A had texted.

Asking if I wanted to go to Tahoe with him this weekend. He can do Fri-Mon

Or stay in SF. Either way he would love to see me.

.

People can sense when you’re thinking about them. At least the intuitive ones can.

.

I can’t do Tahoe, I have to shoot with P3 this weekend. But I would love to see A.

I don’t think I have any desires to have sex, right now. But it would be nice to get intimate in other ways.

.

I’m really a sapio-demisexual these days.

.

Last night I told D the last person I had penetrative sex with was with A and that was over a year ago. I’m basically monogamous.

P laughs. What about the threesome I had in Tulum? he asks.

It wasn’t penetrative.

.

It’s strange, I don’t have the drive to have sex unless I think it’s a good idea. A novel idea. I have to be turned on by the idea before I can get into it.

And even then it’s my mind that’s driving the action, not my pussy.

It’s almost like if it’s the story I want to tell, then I’ll do it.

If not I’m good without.

I’m quite happy with that because it makes me feel like I’m in control of myself.

It’s a liberating feeling, actually.

.

Okay, it’s 9:33. I’m gonna start pervetting at 9:44.

I’m supposed to write about Power and send my notes to Amy for her book.

.

On a side note, physically I feel good. It’s one of those mornings where I feel determined to take care of my body, treat it well, feed it clean food, and maybe even exercise or do some aerial today.

.

My Rob Brezsny horoscope:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I suspect you will be an especially arousing
influence in the coming weeks. You may also be inspiring and disorienting,
with unpredictable results. How many transformations will you unleash?
How many expectations will you dismantle? How many creative
disruptions will you induce in the midst of the daily grind? I hesitate to
underestimate the messy beauty you’ll stir up or the rambunctious gossip
you’ll provoke. In any case, I plan to be richly amused by your exploits,
and I hope everyone else will be, as well. For best results, I will pray to the
Goddess of Productive Fun, begging Her to ensure that the commotions
and uproars you catalyze will be in service to love and kindness.

 

12:33pm

 

Oh my gosh, I did it. I sat and I wrote from 9:44 to 12:22

(well I got up to go pee and make tea)

And here’s what I have on power

.

I got to add another line to page 3

(which leads to another page of writing)

.

Nulla dies sine linea

.

My god I feel good.

Like I have discipline or something

Like I accomplished something.

And all before lunchtime.

.

I need to do this everyday.

.

11:22pm

 

Dear You,

It feels like I went through a few weather changes since I last wrote to you.

After my high, I called my mom. We haven’t talked in a while. She talked about the election results. I checked the news, Newsom is our governor. That’s good.

I asked her if I can have bone broth on the new moon. She said no. Somehow she thinks the new moon is tomorrow (going by Vietnam time, I guess). So I guess I can bone broth today.

.

For lunch I had bone broth and yucan crackers. It’s my latest obsession, these crackers, especially when I smear them with a dollop of coconut oil with a sprinkle of sea salt.

I ate 2 persimmons. I have so many (that I placed on my altars), I need to start eating them before they get too ripe.

I felt like I hit a slump by 2pm. I was tired, I’ve been up since 6:30. So I took a nap on the slantboard in the toad room.

When I work up at 3, I felt discombobulated. The time change is really hitting me. The light coming in the house shifts from one room to the next so quickly.

I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I left P an animoji. He replied saying that he also felt funny waking up form his nap.

I sat on the biomat and started texting, replying to days, weeks, and months old texts.

So sorry for the delay, I’ve been totally monking it…

That felt good.

.

Then I went for a walk with Cutie. I took the stairwells, 5 of them, and caught the sunset at the park. I sat on a bench and  a little bit of Cometbus.

.

Came back, made asparagus for dinner.

.

I quickly got ready for my session at 7:30.

.

When I arrived at the studio, F, my friend whom I invited to the session, was waiting outside. She laughed when she saw me, we were both wearing black sweatpants, a black hoodie and slides. We were totally twinning it.

We’ve been on the same wavelength, in hermit mode and totally low energy

She said, I’m already tired for tomorrow.

.

When we were getting ready, I gave her a dropperful of a tincture called Witches, Bitches and Hos. She gave me some chocolate mushrooms she made, to thank me for having her join me. It was so sweet. They were chocolate shaped vaginas wrapped in purple foil, placed in a white parchment bag with sharpie- drawn hearts all over.

I couldn’t help it, I had to take a little nibble.

Maybe her gift is a sign, I should be micro-dosing.

.

S2 brought us some Rombauer aka cougar juice, pellegrinos. He brought for me potatoes and a giant watermelon from his garden, along with strawberries and blueberries. He got F some serrano peppers from his garden, which came in handy for our session.

.

Sometimes I get drunk on S2’s excitement. He’s so happy to see us, it’s hard not to feel his buzzing energy.

.

We sounded S2. We spiced things up with the serrano peppers. I taught him how to spank and flog F. And then F fucked him with a strap-on. It was perfect.

.

I got home, and even though I was tired I had the energy to tidy up the kitchen

.

I had this thought when I was doing the dishes.

Even though A is objectively the most perfect man I’ve ever met (and been with), there’s something about P that tells me we were meant to be together (at least for the time being). I think our imperfections are a perfect fit in the way of helping each other grow.

.

I love being with P because he makes me feel like a little mupp.

I love being with A because he makes me feel like a beautiful women.

.

 

It’s funny.

P never really gets to see the grown up me. He gets the 8 year old version of me.

I guess we like it that way.

.

Thursday, Nov 8, 2018 7:50am

Biomat – Moon Room – Berkeley

 

Dear You,

I woke up at 6:11am today. I opened the curtains, it was pre-dawn. And windy.

I laid in bed, stared at Cutie.

.

It’s becoming a ritual now,

I like to stare at Cutie until I fall asleep

And now when I wake up, still a little foggy,

I stare at her until she wake me up with her eyes

.

What if I structure my days as a palindrome?

Wake up, stare at Cutie, write, meditate, lemon water…..

lemon water, meditate, write, stare at Cutie, fall asleep.

.

It’s a chilly morning, my hands were cold, Amy had texted a book rec

Pussy by Mama Gena

.

I have this thing

If someone says you should get this book,

I get it immediately

If someone says you should meet so and so

I try to meet them.

.

I take these suggestions as divinations.

.

Everything is a sign, pointing me to where I should be, with whom I should connect, and what I need to read and know.

.

For instance, even though I never want to leave the house, let alone drive into the city, I’m doing it today because my friend, U, said I should meet E.

So I’m meeting E for lunch.

.

Although all I want to do is stay home, write and read, and go for a long walk.

.

It’s not even 8am yet, and I Amazoned 2 books and 3 bottles of supplements

And I masturbated.

I hope I’m not setting a precedent for a day of massive gluttonous consumption.

No I’m not. It’ll be productive, I was just trying to warm up.

I’m warm now.

.

I can’t tell if it’s body dysmorphia or just the way I felt when I was wearing latex last night.

I felt like I gained weight.

Maybe I’m slowly gaining weight. Even though I think I’m eating cleanly and mindfully.

I keep thinking about what my best friend, M, said a couple of months ago. She said she’s 37 and now totally feeling how her body is changing.

That stuck with me. I’m about to turn 37 in 3 months.

Maybe my metabolism is slowing down. Maybe I have to eat even less. Or probably exercise or something. I don’t know, it’s disconcerting.

What I think it means is that I need to get back in my body. I’ve been somewhat sedentary, except for some walks here and there.

I keep thinking I need to get disciplined about this aerial hoop and silk thing.

.

I need a shift. If I was living in Europe, I’d be walking around all day and prolly not feeling “my age.”

.

I want to write about my relationship to my body, and the rituals I created to take care of it.

.

I’ve been waking up pretty early, I need to go to bed earlier.

.

I should mention ever since Sunday, when I cut my own hair, I’ve been having really good hair days.

.

It’s weird to write and to not go back and read what I wrote.

And yet here you are reading it.

You’re literally reading my stream of consciousness.

I find that when I try to go back and insert a thought or idea in the stream, it doesn’t fit right.

It’s almost like I can’t move add to the stream that already was.

If I go back, it would be to not add but to edit, to cleanup the sloppy extra words.

.

But of course there are days left empty, that I still think about. Like that one week I was in NY in September, and July, and Burning Man week. It’s pretty empty.

Will I still remember what I ate?

I think so.

.

Okay. It’s 8:44. Maybe I can write for an hour or so and then get ready.

.

Oh btw I mailed in my ancestry DNA kit yesterday. I’ll get my results in 6-8 weeks. I’m so used to not waiting that long.

 

.

9:22am

After I left you, I decided to walk over to my stack of books and pull out The Hero with a Thousand Faces, I flipped it open and started reading (bibliomancy style) to the chapter on Apotheosis. It starts with a description of my heroine, Avalokitesvara

.

And then I started writing a new page and added another line.

.

Nulla dies sine linea

.

There are 2 types of fun.

Type 1 Fun is fun in the moment

Type 2 Fun is not fun in the moment but after

.

.

“I can’t come so I can’t get married”

is the first line in his book he’s working on

.

E and I were trying to plot how to “realistically” rape his lover.

The thing is she’s so eager it’s so hard

 

.

 

.

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon eater, an unsweetened plantain pancake with tons of goat butter and blackberries, salmon and rice, a tiny nipple of butterscotch from E’s pot de creme at Town Hall, 2/3 bar of midnight coconut 100% chocolate, some walnuts I got at the farmer’s market, an avocado with sea salt, a normal plantain pancake with moderate amount of goat butter, a persimmon (ate from 10am till 8pm)

What I spent money on: ~$60 on Pussy (the book), Something Divine (another book), bitter melon, ceylon cinnamon and gymnena capsules; $106 on lunch with E at Town Hall, $40 at 15 min Smog Check, ~$30 on spring mixes, 2 warren pears, strawberries, walnuts, an heirloom tomato at the farmer’s market

What I’m reading: The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Mindful Eating, River of Consciousness, Samyutta Nikaya, Cometbus’ Pen Pals

What I’m happy I did: I meditated, I read A Hero with a Thousand Faces, I wrote on Pervette, I made time to connect a make a new friend, I finally got that smog check, I dropped off the cable box at Xfinity and I cancelled my safe deposit box (reducing monthly xfinity bill from 300 to 119 and stopped paying 125/yr for the safe deposit box that I emptied of my savings), I picked up the watercolor art piece I purchased (supporting small business and local artist), I went to the farmer’s market. I stopped by the Rose Garden, I caught the last of the red sunset, I picked up the call and connected with my best friend M as we talked about our fetters/struggles and how far we’ve come, I hiked in the dark and randomly ended up at the sunset spot from a totally different path, I was present for P as he recounted his newfound charming abilities, yoga chicks coming to him at a cafe, learning how to be happy for him along his journey and not let me ego get in the way of celebrating his accomplishments

Moment of panic: when I was on the bridge heading back noticing how smokey the air was and thought Oh jesus, is the Berkeley Hils on fire? I can’t believe I left Cutie at home. I remember vacillating, should I take her with me? Then decided no and touched her goodbye.

Clues I picked up: Get Finite and Infinite Games (rec by E)

Back to my previous week

 

Friday, November 9, 2018, 9:07am

 

Dear You,

I just realized something, I can list out the things “I’m happy I did (in a day)” like I did just above and that would relieve me of the fear of forgetting what I did when I don’t have the energy to recount all the fine details of my days.

This is what I used to do to record my days, just list what I did. Now it’s framed as things I’m happy I did (naturally I’m happy with everything I do).

.

I feel funny. Maybe anxious. Maybe it’s knowing that I have a fuck ton to do today:

Like do the finances for the dungeon for the past 11 months.

Start and finish a research paper for my Buddhist class.

Add a line for Pervette..

Go through and organize my hard drives of videos for P3 to copy on to hers.

.

I really want to leave Pervette in decent shape before I take off for the retreat.

I want people to not be too confused when they land on the 3rd page. I think I need to write (again) about my intentions for Pervette and what it’s about.

It feels like I’ve been in this iterative cycle of trying to articulate what I’m doing. Every time I try to write it out I think it’s getting a little bit more clear and less cryptic.

.

What else am I feeling? Being back on Twitter to post my podcast made me think maybe this social media break has hurt my platform. I don’t know.

I guess what I’m doing with Pervette is I’m building my own platform, one that’s uncensored and structured to my desire. And if it’s the death of one or two to create another that is truly my own, I should be okay with that.

.

I feel like I need to read Mindful Eating and Whole Beauty before I take off for the vipassanna (this is my neurotic self creeping in). Whenever I go somewhere, travel, leave the house) I think it’s an opportunity to set in motion all the rituals I want to establish. Hence the excessive amount of teas, tinctures and supplements I pack. I’m gonna do it all. I’m gonna have this crazy self care ritual down pact.

I hope in this retreat. I create the discipline to intermittent fast, eat moderately, mindfully, and cleanly, I hope I get back in my body with some good stretches, yoga poses, etc

.

I think I want to write about my struggles

I think I want to start my pen pal writing with M as she takes off to be ordained in Myanmar.

I think I want to give it another go and explain what the fuck Pervette is.

.

It’s hard to leave this house. I have no desire to travel. i just want to stay put and write.

.

It’s hard to leave this house with these fires nearby.

.

I’m glad I’m not seeing A this weekend, he’s going to Tahoe. I have more time tomorrow after my doc shoot.

.

I can feel my high school valedictorian self coming back. She wrote a list of the things she had to do today, and guesstimated how much time these must-do’s would take.

I remember doing that that all the time. Esp days before exams. Always reverse-engineering preparation for the Big Day.

.

I shouldn’t spend time thinking was that time well spent yesterday? Going into the city to have a leisurely lunch?

It’s probably not healthy to think what did I learn/what did I get out of that? Oh right, I got a lot.

I got a good conversation (that he let me record)

I got a good book rec

I got a new male perspective on domming, the way he articulates his desires, what some would say that’s pedophilia, he can express it as daddy doming ageplay..

E is quite intelligent and articulate a, and totally neurotic as fuck.

More so than me.

.

My valedictorian self used to think socializing was a complete waste of time. I don’t want to think like that, because it’s totally not true.

I’m just very aware of time now, how little of it I have. As much as I try to keep it all to myself.

How do I want to spend my time??

I want to create.

Yes I still want to connect.

I want my time to be fruitful and purposeful.

If I do anything meditatively, it will be fruitful.

Because it’s all a practice in learning how to be present.

Got it.

.

Sometimes, like today, there are two selves.

The one that frets and fears (I believe that’s my ego) (Self 1)

And the wise one that knows it’ll all be okay (Self 2)

.

It’s approaching 9:44am, I think I’m going to make my tea and move over to the Writing Room to pervette

 

12:44pm

 

Holy fuck.

It’s crazy how quickly a mood can change. After I last wrote to you..

I lit a candle and incense and said a prayer to Guanyin.

I took a nibble from the chocolate mushroom that’s been sitting on the altar for quite some time.

I went to the writing room (with Cutie, my tea, and laser helmet on)

And I started working on what I started yesterday.

I changed the 3rd person to 2nd person.

And that’s when everything clicked and flowed.

I wrote with this excited energy.

The story of Pervette was flowing from me.

So effortlessly.

It was amazing.

I can begin to see it now. How this is going to come out..

After a good hour of writing, I just started to chant.

 

The sound that came out of me was so loud and clear

That the neighborhood dogs started barking

And the birds started flying up the writing room window

It was crazy.

.

around 11:11

 

 

..

 

Ayahuasca call with P and C

.

From our 5meo practitioner, we found our iboga practitioner for last new years, and from our iboga practitioner, we found our ayahausca practitioner for this new years

 

2:33pm

my hands are cold, slightly dry, my hair is slightly stacky, i’m feeling nauseous, i think it’s from all the smoke

the sky is this ominous gray and the sun is bright orange.

.

I just got off the phone with Jeanne Powers, the author of The Modern Rapunzel.

She’s amazing.

I’m filled with so much good advice..

.

Tell me what you want from me

That’s what she said at the beginning of the call

I love the directness

I just want good advice, I told her..

.

I told her about my hair loss trauma in high school..

 

.

The sun has vanished behind the smoke.

I’m getting chills..

.

Saturday, November 10, 2018 8:11am

Orgy Room – Berkeley

 

Dear You,

I feel anxious and sad.

These fires are getting to me.

I went to bed around 2am. Doing the finances for the dungeon took way longer than I thought.

I woke up at 6, couldn’t go back to sleep. I peeked through the curtain, the sky was smokey white with a tinge of orange pink.

I stared at Cutie. I masturbated.

I thought about writing to you. I decided to type out of my morning pages to you. So I did. A few lines into it, I got distracted by the sunrise and went outside to take a picture of it. I couldn’t get a good angle for all the trees so I climbed up on my roof.

It was an ominous blazing orange.

I checked the hot tub. The water level has dropped completely. The heater was turned off. My heart sunk.

I have this fear that the leak is coming from the plumbing underneath the decking, which means we would have to tear the decking to get to it.

.

I think what it is is that the hot tub and deck was what I poured my efforts and money into when we got the house. It was our one major renovation project that I oversaw.

It’s my pride and joy. P loves it too. Every time we’re in the hot tub he comments on how amazing it is compared to what it is was before, just dirt and overgrown trees.

.

It’s funny how last night I finally told P about my credit card debt. He felt bad sort of because he knows that I poured a lot of my savings into this home.

.

Now it’s hitting me, the literal metaphor, how I’m like the hot tub. I feel so drained.

.

And with these fires..

This time last year, there was a fire a couple hundred feet from the house.

And now I’m leaving this house for a week for my vipassanna, with no contact to it and the outside world.

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Will tis house still be here when I return?

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The drained hot tub, the fires, I think it’s this painful reminder that everything is impermanent. And what I’m attached to will make me suffer.

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I’m so glad we’re not shooting for the doc today.

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I can feel my heart racing and at the same time I have no energy.

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We have tons of dry fallen leaves everywhere.

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I think it’s peculiar that P had the idea of selling this house and buying a house in Topanga. It came to him when he was doing the told on Thursday (in Topanga).

I said that’s an idea. I didn’t reveal too much how I really felt.

P started showing me listings to houses he thought was similar to ours. It wasn’t

He says he can talk to a broker and organize a real estate tour for us when we’re down here for Thanksgiving.

And now all of Topanga is evacuated.

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A part of me thinks I should meditate right now.

But I’m feeling so many emotions, I just want to write it out to you.

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I’m so aware that it can all go away. It saddens me.

I think it’s too painfully perfect that I’m going to try to meditate all next week, while not know what’s happening and probably dying to know what’s happening.

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I google Ca fires today. And come across this headline.

“Trump threatens to pull federal funding for CA fires over forest mismanagement”

What a fucking dick.

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I can’t find my phone. And all I want to do is take a picture of Cutie bathed in this orange light in the orgy room.

The way the light is hitting her, the way she looks at me. It’s too much.

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My stomach is growling. I want it to be noon so I can eat a pancake. I don’t want it to be noon because P3 is coming over and I don’t have all the video files organized for her yet.

Funny how I cancelled on A (my former lover) and A (a writer) this weekend because “I had to shoot for a doc” and now I don’t.

I sometimes think these plans happen and then they don’t so that I can unexpectedly have the space that I needed for something that I couldn’t anticipate.

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The retreat and fire is making me think about a passage in the Digha Nikaya that I read last, year. It was about the sword interval of 7 days.

I grabbed the Digha, and flipped though it, it’s 600 pages. I remmber the passage was somewhere in the middle of the book and on the left hand side.

I found it.

And at the end of the 7 days, they will emerge from their hiding places and rejoice together of one accord, saying: “Good beings, I see that you are alive!”

Monks, be islands unto yourselves, be a refuge into yourselves with no other refuge. Let the Dhamma be your island, let the Dhamma be your refuge with no other refuge.

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Dad calls at 10:30am. He says car registration has gone up $5 this year. He asks if I can help him wit the car registration and send him another 200 on top of the 200 I send him monthly for his car payment. I said sure.

I tell him I’ll be at a retreat center meditating next Saturday so I won’t be near my phone. He asks how long I’ll be gone. And if this is a good thing or bad thing.

I tell him a week, and it’s a good thing. I feel amazing when I do it.

He asks is it kinda like cleaning out a computer. I said yes.

He asks where is this place.

I said Santa Cruz.

He says when I go get gas there I should buy a lottery ticket. No one has won the lottery there yet.

 

10:47

I thought I didn’t have any energy until I started going through my tea drawers and picking out teas I wanted to donate to the retreat center tomorrow.

I cleared out a whole drawer

It’s so energizing to make space

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4:14pm

P3 just left. They came with news. Their advisor says they can’t have me fundraise or else it’ll appear as a self-promotion.

Oh yay, so this means I don’t think about doing a kickstarter, which somehow feels like the last thing I want to be doing.

I like how they arrive at these realizations on their own and I don’t have to say a thing to get my thoughts across.

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We watch a trailer for a documentary on a dominatrix called Ex-Dominatrix. It was so bad. This is the only doc about a dominatrix P3 says.

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While we were meeting, P started talked through the security camera. Then he called the landline and asked how the air quality was up here. He says it’s pretty bad down there.

I told him it’s pretty bad up here as well.

He says he needs to get out of there, he’s thinking of going to Cabo tomorrow.

He was having breakfast with his friend, T, and they got to talking about how bad the air is and how they should take off.

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When P hangs out with T, they have this way of enabling each other to ball out.

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Last week, the both of them were going to charter a plane to SF this Wednesday to catch their crypto hedgefund something dinner and then fly back.

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You’re welcome to come to Cabo with me, but I know you have your retreat, P says.

Oh thanks, but I’m good.

We chat for a minute and then he hangs up so I can resume my meeting with P3. It’s weird that he would chime in through the security camera all muppety, seeing that I’m in a meeting with P3.

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I transfer some of my video files to P3’s drive and she takes off.

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P calls, he says he’s going to Cabo. And he asks if it’s okay if he invites J (an Asian pro domme) to go with him.

I thought about it for a sec. What I thought was thought this would make it easier (quid pro quo) when I go to Tahoe with A.

Yeah, it’s cool.

Awesome.

I can tell the way that P called earlier when I was with P3 to ask how the air quality was up here that he had already decided that he was going to Cabo with J, and he just wanted to prime me for it.

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It was strange, the moment he mentioned bringing J, I felt just the slightest pang of Oh. But then maybe it was the way he delivered it gently. But I felt my anxiety about preparing to leave for tomorrow dissolve.

As if this was how it was supposed to play out or as if my meditation mode is already beginning and I’m learning how to not be attached.

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I told P how different this is from the last time he took a chick to Cabo which was exactly this time 3 years ago. He went with a SA chick (whom I’m good friends now and helped mentor to become a domme ((you can sense a theme here, P’s really into Asians/ pro dommes))

 

While he was in Cabo I was organizing a surprise gangbang for my friend’s ex (he wanted to win her back, and somehow he convinced me that was the way), but she ended up having a UTI that night, so I ended up being the gangbangee.

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This time 3 years ago we were just learning how to be in an open relationship while living together.

It was so hard.

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After I hung up on P, I caught the blazing sunset up outside.

It’s a ritual now. When I walk to my favorite sunset spot, T’s dogs can hear me and they start barking, she always opens her door, they come running out, and she comes out to give me a giant hug and we start chatting. I think she loves me because I live in the house her husband built for her (retirement). He’s gone now. I always love telling her how much I love this house.

She was concerned about P in Malibu. I said he lives in Santa Monica.

I told her I’ll be away all next week at the retreat center. I’m concerned about not knowing how this house will be. We go inside her house (which has the same vaulted ceilings and tiles and feel as this house) to check her files to make sure he has my number. She does.

We chat for a bit.

I take off and she wishes me a wonderful retreat. I think she said, It’s going to be exactly what you need..

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In the gloaming

I went to the atm and deposited 3333 in twenties and singles

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I went to Whole Foods for avocado, lemons, and walnuts for the week.

I also some castor oil, jojoba oil, and a natural non parapen non sulfate face

wash. ~$100

 

12:02am

I spent an hour and half packing my vitamins..

 

Those are just the daily vitamins I take with a meal…

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Let’s not get me started on the tea..

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There are so many details from yesterday that I didn’t have a chance to write up. Not just yesterday, but everyday..

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Things I put inside me: acv, lemon water, a plantain pancake around 12:44pm, some strawberries and mangoes I had when P3 was over, a spring mix salad I made with warren pear, avocado, egg, walnuts, parmasean, and I finished the rest of the of the warren pear, 1/2 pomegranate that was on my altar for the past 2 weeks.

Things I want to remember to write about:

the conversation me and P had with our potential aya practitioner (it’s not cost prohibitive, p says)

how later she was forced to evacuate for the fires

the conversation I had with P Friday night, we talked for an hour and a half about self-work, i finally told him about my credit card debt, how i’m growing dispassioned with my compulsions, how p wants to learn about relationship/psych, so you can be like N, I said

the hot tub troubleshooting I did with P9 (the hot tub guy) over the phone Tuesday and in person Friday.

things I want to remember: how I started disciplining myself with working on the actual pervette paths this week, how I was in flow, the gift of the chocolate mushroom, how crazy shitty I felt being back on twitter for a day

Things that happened this week: the election results, the fires..