Monday, Oct. 29, 2018 10:44am

Berkeley- Round Table

 

Dear You,

If you reached out to me and haven’t heard back, and it’s been a while, know that getting back to you is on my to do list (I made one today).

I’m back home. It’s so nice to be back. Maybe that’s the point of traveling, to come home and be so grateful that home feels so good.

.

The light in this house is amazing at this time of year. It’s Fall bright.

And the new skylight in the kitchen is a game changer.

.

I feel so much love for this house right now. It’s like I went away and came back to fall in love with it again. All I want to do is pour love into it.

.

Maybe it’s the text exchange that P had with his friend, N. On the ride back from SFO, N texted out of the blue, he wants to possibly buy our house. In the spring.

He had his awakening here and remembers the amazing energy of the house.

As P gave him the deets of the house, 4 bedroom 4 bathroom, 4400 sq ft..

I can sense he was feeling just a little sad.

Awww..I’ve been really enjoying it, I think he quietly said–But then the sentiment got cut off, we got distracted by three alfa romero’s driven by 3 slick Japanese men (we were on the 101N).

Where’s Little Mupps gonna live? he asks.

.

Just him saying that means everything.

.

It means that he sees it.

The love.

In this house.

.

My prayer might be answered.

.

I did pray that a friend of ours would buy this house.

So that I can still visit.

.

You know me.

I think everything is alive.

And has feelings

And potentially abandonment issues.

.

But then there’s another part of me that wonders

Maybe knowing that this house has a potential buyer

Which led  P to see how much he is enjoying it

Makes me want to see if I can work really hard (with Pervette)

To take it over.

If I can make it my financial responsibility

That way I can truly make it

A Goddess Temple

.

A place to hold a different kind of session.

.

I have my dungeon to play in the dark

And I have my Temple to play in the light.

.

This is where my mind goes..

.

There was something to the timing of the out of the blue text from N.

And the new skylight being put in while we were away.

 

I’m seeing this home in a new light.

.

I had this dream last night that I was this stoic yet strong character (not unlike Ryan Gosling in Drive). I was going to and from this one storefront/post office?

And I was was about to go play poker.

Because I needed to. I needed the money.

In my dream, I knew that I had only played poker once in real life (that was 14 years ago with my downstairs neighbors, whom I called the bros).

I remember being surprisingly good at it. I think it’s because I have a really good poker face.

And so I wanted to play poker. So I can make some money.

That was dream #1 last night.

I woke up to the sounds of P opening up the dryer in the laundry room. He wasn’t next to me in bed, I realized, he was so quiet leaving the room. It’s still dark outside.

Hello? Hello? Am I being abandoned? I hollered.

P came back into the room. He said there was a 24 hr Safeway, he wanted to surprise me with a green smoothie and plantain pancakes when I woke up.

Oh! That’s nice.

He crawled into bed, Ooo you’re warm! he says.

He took off his Burning Man pants (he didn’t want to wake me by going in his closet so he wore what he found in the other rooms) and came back into bed. We slept some more from 6 to 8.

We overrode our New York clock.

P showered. I made him breakfast with the two eggs we had left and the uncured bacon he got form Belcampo last night. I also toasted some Yucan crackers and made a little dipping dish of coconut oil and sea salt.

He loved it.

It’s funny how he wanted to make me breakfast but I got to make him breakfast and we got more rest. Win win, really.

.

I just watered the trees and orchids.

And African daisies and bromiads.

The orchids are still in full bloom. None of the petals have dropped since I’ve been away.

They’re still going since mid-August. That’s insane.

.

P just called. He’s done with his meeting. And is coming home early. He asks if I want to do lunch..

.

I guess I should go put the orchids back in their pots and get ready.

.

P’s still not feeling well. I gave him some supplements to take (Oil or Oregano, Vitamin C, Coldcalm). He’s wrapped himself up like an enchilada in the comforters, napping. I’m gonna go get some more bone broth and some groeries to make a hearty noodle soup for him when he gets up. I like playing mom with him.

.

Funny how I thought P wasn’t gonna be back till 4, and I would have the afternoon to Pervette and read..

.

 

What I pout inside me: ACV, Herbee astragalus Fire cider, Diamond Mind tincture, brain tea I made with gotukola, gingko bilioba, and mate mint, a hot drink with Ancient Organics bone broth-based chocolate keto protein, Bulletproof chocolate protein, gelatinized maca, cacao  Royal maca, mucuna pruriens, golden milk, Moonbeli calming adaptogen, sea salt, MCT oil, coconut oil, ceylon cinnamon, cayenne, sprinkle of coco(it was yummy); dark chocolate;

 

Tuesday, Oct 30, 2018 8:53am

 

Dear You,

I woke up at 6:30 today. I peered outside then stepped outside my bedroom into the deck. It was silver, the light coming from the half moon right above me.

If it weren’t chilly, I would’ve sat outside and meditated with my eyes open. Instead I slipped back into bed and masturbated, came, it’s been a while since I’ve done that. I think I need to do it more. My breasts look bigger this morning than they did yesterday. I attribute it to the orgasm I had.

Restless.

That’s how I feel.

I was listening to my buddhist class lecture this morning while looking for tank tops on Alo ( I didn’t buy anything) pinafores, overalls with front pockets to hold my recorder on ASOS (I didn’t buy anything), and then I filled up my Amazon cart with vitamins that I ran out of and 2 books, Impro and This is How You Lose Her.

I didn’t hit Purchase Order.

I’m gonna look for the Junot Diaz book at the Friends of the Public Library store today. I wanna go to Ace Hardware and get something to brighten up the grout in the bathroom, maybe make that a P2 slave task.

I should be re-reading my reading for class today. It’s 9am. Class starts at 9:30am

I think I should’ve meditated this morning..

.

I haven’t told you, since NY I have an idea for a new Pervette beginning..

.

I haven’t told you much..

 

1:45pm

Dear You,

I’m outside in the backyard, sitting at my mint green bistro table. Typing to you. Listening to my neighbor’s contractors speak Spanish to each other and cut wood with some chain saw like machine.

I feel funny.

I just hit the Purchase Order button on my Amazon cart. My two books and B-complex will be coming tomorrow. My alpha lipoic acid +L- carnitine will be arriving Thursday.

I didn’t go to the bookstore after class. I just felt like going home, right away. The thought of being surrounded by people and things was too overwhelming.

 

Back to intermittent fasting today. Started eating around 1pm. I ate some manchego (sheep) and la dama sagrada (goat) cheese. I made a green smoothie (topped with bee pollen) and a salad like yesterday’s.  It was not a giant salad. I’m trying to not gorge.

.

I feel funny. Maybe it has something to do with reading about the 6 sense bases in my Buddhist class. And the cognitive dissonance it’s creating with my current state of being a consumer.

Maybe I’m feeling slightly repulsed with myself. A grocery trip (yesterday) is $276. An amazon order (today) is $82.

Do I spend money like a crazy person?

I definitely do for somebody who doesn’t have money.

I have about 70 bottled of tinctures. Do I need that many?

I have over 200 varieties of tea. That seems excessive.

And don’t even get me started on books.

.

But those are “my things”

The things I like to get.

All the time.

.

At least I don’t have a clothes, shoes or handbags obsession.

Just books and self-care stuff obsession.

That’s how I justify.

.

Anyways, I was feeling disenchanted with myself in class.

Every now and then I get this way.

I tell myself, I swear, I have everything I need, I won’t buy another thing.

But it’s really hard not to buy another book.

That one book you don’t have is so singular and unique

And it might change the way you think.

Anyways.

.

I’m feeling funny.

Maybe the word is funky.

As in I’m in a funk.

I just don’t like using that word.

.

It’s so sunny and nice right now, I don’t know what to do with myself other than sit out here.

.

I have people to get back to.

Bills to pay.

I have too many people to get back to.

Everybody wants to hang out.

 

All I want to do is not hang out.

I can barely talk.

 

I need more time to myself.

.

Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep.

Or it’s how I woke up. I forgot my dream. I was

If I nap now, I’ll miss the sun.

.

reframe: i’m so lucky that this is my dilemma

.

I’m writing to you to see if I can get to the bottom of this feeling.

Maybe I know there’s a ton of stuff I have to do.

But somehow I can’t bring myself to doing it.

.

It’s a strange feeling.

Maybe I should meditate..

It’s probably what’s best, but I feel so restless.

I just want to put something in my mouth.

Even though I’m full.

.

I notice I’m not giving you the highlights of my days.

I give you the blah and hmm..

.

 

It’s 2:57pm

72% dark chocolate, L-theanine, tulsi tea, and reading lines from Rob Brezhny’s horoscope (telling me to get disciplined) and Reality Hunger,

I feel more motivated.

.

Should I tell you about my new beginning?

.

I think the thing is I’ve been afraid to say it,

I want to change

the world

around me.

.

 

I have to add “around me”

because without

it would be too much

I hate cliches

and maybe that’s the fear

.

it’s okay

it’s okay

if i’m like everybody else

who wants to change the world

.

okay,

I’m getting over it..

.

it’s been years in the making

.

making a declaration is really hard

.

it’s my soul trying to say something

and then my ego is like

stop, that’s so cheesy

.

i’m still wrestling with myself.

.

but anyways, the beginning has always been not that gripping.

and I think it’s because I’ve been afraid to really put myself out there

.

It wasn’t until I was at the Richard Rudd talk and my mind was wandering

did I see the new beginning.

.

It’s actually a rehash of all my old beginnings.

.

It’s the part that comes after you say yes

(for the second time)

.

Well..

So you clicked yes because so far I gave you no other choice.

Here’s your choice,

What do you want to say yes to?

.

Yes to me

Yes to love

Yes to life

Yes to sex

 

Or

What do you want to play?

.

Should I show you my rough scraps?

 

So you clicked yes (again)

because you know that’s what I want to hear.

because so far I gave you no other choice

because that’s the only way into my world.

So what next..

I can tell you why I’m here

I can tell you why you’re here

I’m here to tell you why you’re here.

How do I know?

Trial and error.

.

I think we’re here to leave this place better than we found it.

.

But how we do it is the creative challenge.

.

Don’t you wanna know why we’re here?

What’s the point?

.

YES.

What do you want to play?

A) Make believe

B) Game of Life

C) Sex games

D) Something Different

.

I just want to get to the point. Don’t you?

Why am I here? Why are you here?

What’s the point?

Why are we here?

.

 

Click here if you said yes because I gave you no choice

Click here if you want to skip to the end

Click here if you want to start at the middle

Click here if you want to try something different

.

Cutie’s gonna fall over, P2 says as he comes in.

He swoops her up and holds her like a baby in his arms.

.

P2 is feeling chatty, he says he spent the last week (more or less) drunk on films and poetry.

.

He had a strange dream, he woke up from his breathing, which was synonymous with the waves of a gentle ocean.

.

Cutie doesn’t have a mouth or a voice, but yet she sings

With her eyes

Says P2

.

He hands me a photo he took of Cutie on the silk

And a watercolor quote

Only the ideas we actually live are of any value.

-Herman Hesse

.

P2 talks about the scrambled video I made of me dancing at NEMA

And suddenly I had this vision of that on a big video screen and below it a printer that spits out stills of it.

.

Stills on paper with fading ink, P2 adds

.

“I know you are reading this poem listening for something, torn

between bitterness and hope.”

—Adrienne Rich

.

I’m definitely in monk mode today. Even so I had P2 come over, he got to photograph Cutie, sweep, take out the trash, help me put the duvet cover on, we went for a sunset walk, I made us plantain pancakes)

.

P2 is in a chatty mood. He asks if I have any scotch tape. I said it was in the top drawer. I wonder what he’s up to.

He shows me his arm..

He has taped a cutout photo of Cutie on his forearm. He says this is where he’s thinking of getting a Cutie tattoo. I perk up. It’s the cutest thing ever. It’s the perfect spot for a Cutie tattoo.

That way I can always have her in my arm, he says.

I really do love P2 more the more he loves Cutie.

.

During break in class today, K told me how she’s been looking into her ancestry. Her great grandmother was killed in a mining strike in the late 1800’s. Her great grandmother gave her grandpa away.. she found out that she was related to a group of peeps all connected to the same sperm donor of an OBGYN in the UK. I asked her she’s finding these connections. She said through ancestry.com.

.

Anyways, I just ordered my ancestry dna kit. Feels like 100 bucks well spent.

.

I’m gonna keep track of my spending (again).

.

It’s past 9pm, I just nibbled on some more manchego. So much for intermittent fasting.

.

P sends me a Tim Ferris podcast with Neil Strauss about the creative process

.

Writer’s block is performance anxiety.

.

Creativity is just fucking around

says Tim Ferris

.

Write to the end

Neil Strauss says

.

First draft is for yourself

Second draft is for the reader

Third draft is for the haters (do your best to make it immune to criticism)

.

What’s interesting to me is boring to others

.

The book is smarter than you.

.

You don’t know the first sentence without writing the last sentence

.

Listened to the podcast..

 

Gonna get Seneca on the Shortness of Life

.

Pulled out Kundera’s Life is Elsewhere form my bookshelf

.

The biggest mistake people make is accepting the norms of their time.

.

Okay, tomorrow is my day.

.

Gonna sit down and just right, write..

.

11:44pm

P called. I told him about my day, how during class, I was feeling disenchanted and repulsed with my compulsions to consume. And how I’m trying to be more thoughtful about my spending.

He was right. Maybe I do have too many tinctures and teas. And books.

Earlier I had the thought of making a request from him to give me space in my gradual self-training. Since I’ve been patient and non-judgmental about his vices (weed and SA chicks), I would hope he could do the same for me.

I took a different frame.

I told him I appreciated how he’s been giving me space to arrive at these realizations myself (because he sorta has).

He was really happy to hear that.

.

Of course I didn’t tell him that after class, I Amazoned more books and vitamins.

.

I haven’t really talked much about me and P.

It’s all recorded, our conversations,

which I treasure.

Our communication is incredible.

P keeps on saying we’re having a lovefest.

It’s true.

I’ve never seen him emote this much love

profusely.

.

He’s giving me this deep appreciation

I didn’t even think was possible.

.

The secret is the Mupp language.

.

Which is really the ability to overwhelm each other with

this perfect combination of

cuteness

and absurd mupp sense of humor.

.

It’s also connected to us becoming aware of our egos and stuff

.

Crickets are chirping outside, which means it’s a warmer than usual night.

.

I ought to go to bed, with 4 books.

Life is Elsewhere

Emerald City

Reality Hunger

Choose Your Own Disaster

.

Goodnight you.

 

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon water, Four Sigmatic Chaga tea plus maca mucunua pririens, MCT oil, green smoothie I made, a salad I made with avocado, duck egg, almonds, blueberries, parmasean cheese; goat and sheepmilks cheese, dark chocolate, raspberries, vitamins, more cheese, 2 big plantain pancakes I made (split with P2), Egyptian mint tea, Mother In Law’s kimchee, more cheese, rooibos tea (Ate relatively lectin free from 1-9:30pm, don’t feel too guilty0

What I spent: $82 on Amazon: Pure Encapsulations B- Complex, Solaray L-Carnitine and alpha lipoic acid, Junot Diaz’ This is How You Lose Her (recommended by A), Impro by Keith Johnstone (rec by U); $102 on ancestry.com DNA kit, $122 on 4 Fastrak violation fees

 

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

1:13pm

Dear You,

I’ve been working on the new beginning of Pervette.

I’m trying to be more to the point.

Boy it’s hard.

.

I pulled out some of my old notebooks and leafed through them.

I’m reading The Internet of Things

And Life is Elsewhere

.

I paid 2 bills.

I enjoyed slowly eating this avocado with balsamic vinegar and oil and sea salt

.

I’ve had acv, lemon water, brain tea, chaga tea, now lotus tea I got from Vietnam.

.

I was in a flow before I breaked for lunch. Getting back into it now feels really hard. It’s an uncomfortable feeling.

Like there’s resistance.

Is this part of the process?

.

This is the first day in a long time where I’m trying to discipline myself, to write it out.

.

I filled 3 little cups up with spring water, lit a candle and an incense, said a prayer at the Guan Yin altar.

Please let these words flow through me

.

It’s getting so warm and bright outside at this hour. There’s a temptation.

.

I called P at the height of my resistance anxiety.

He was having a great day, helping people out,  and just about to take a nap.

How does he do it?

Nap without guilt

That he’s sleeping through the brightest part of the day.

He has this incredible ability to do whatever he wants without guilt

.

I pulled out a large book that’s been sitting in my book and tincture cabinet called Vietnam. It’s about the history of Vietnam. Occupied by the French, Japanese and Chinese.

It’s interesting how I’ve gone through periods of being a francophile, japanophile and chineseyphile.

.

It’s 3:05pm

I got a little sidetracked. I google-imaged pervette pink, screenshot a picture of the pervette MAC lipstick color, ran it through the color code finder and added it to my palette and updated the default font color to pervette pink.

Voila! This pink you see here is the actual pervette pink lipstick color.

I know. You can barely tell the difference between this pink and the last.

I’m not even sure if this is the pink I want.

.

It’s the same MAC lipstick color my mom uses and has been using ever since I was in high school.

My sister introduced it to her.

I remember her asking me to go pick up a new tube of pervette for her when I was at the Nordstrom of Cerritos Mall, she was running low.

I remember thinking, pervette, that’s a cool color name.

.

I just added more potting soil to my fig tree.

And cinnamon tree.

.

I’m typing to you, outside right now.

Ahh fresh air

.

I’m procrastinating.

.

It’s slightly frustrating. That it’s so iterative.

The iteration looks so similar to the last

Except this time I’m trying to be more direct.

It feels so incremental.

Here’s what I have so far

.

I was feeling antsy sitting outside typing out the point

So I took a break.

I took a hit of Level’s Viper Cookies

It just so happen that it was around 4:20

Then I went for hike in the magic hour, it began as a light jog then a brisk wal.

I went beyond my usual point, my secret spot.

I went deeper into the trails.

The path split, I took the shadier path

And walked and walked I didn’t know where I was going.

But I somehow made the right turns, and made a perfect loop and ended up on the other path on the way back

I stopped by my secret spot

Stretched

And made it to two lookout points

It was a 1 hour and 33 min walk that ended right at sunset 6:11pm

.

 

.

P sent me a photo of the sunset from his balcony

 

 

.

Then S2 sent me a pic of the sunset from his boat

It was a beautiful sunset all around.

.

Note to self:

When in doubt, walk it out

So glad

I got back in my body.

I was so in my head the whole day.

.

And ideas started to flow

Once I started moving..

.

Why do I keep on forgetting.

The things that are not easy to do

Are the things I need to do

Until it becomes easy.

Like

Write,

Walk,

and Meditate

.

At JFK, P pointed out the cover of the New York magazine, Women in Power talk about Power. I didn’t buy it because I already have too many tangible things to read. But I did go online and read the interview Stormy Daniels, Binky something, Brookyln

.

I copied and pasted some parts:

Women in Power

They’ll withhold sex from their partner to get what they want, or they’ll entice their partner. I think sex can be empowering  speak up in bed, take control of your body, say what you like. Be willing to be very honest with the person you’re with and not be afraid to say no or yes, “More, please.” I think that’s sort of what people are getting from me: They might not enjoy the porn aspect, but I’m owning it.
There is some irony in this political moment that when women have the collective power to fell titans of the patriarchy by the week, they are using that power to insist on their own powerlessness. When it comes to power, they — we — are chronically ambivalent.
Maybe this is my delusion of gender, but deep in my heart I believe it’s better to liberally use the second person. There must be a way to have power, and be communal, to take other people along. This phase of winner take all that we’re in now isn’t leading us anywhere good. In the best of all worlds, everyone — men and women — stop for a minute on their way to the party and help the guy staple.
There’s a lot of talk right now about whether men and women are treated equally.  Do you follow that debate or have opinions? 
We’re getting there, but say you had a movie: Men would get paid more than women would. The more that people stand up for their rights, the more people share their voices, and the more people talk about the issue, then they’ll be treated equally. It’ll be like a scale [holds up her hands]. Now it’s a rock and a feather. But eventually there’s two rocks, and it’s going to be balanced.
brooklyn
I think we see this happen over and over again, where communities and subcultures and movements that espouse inclusiveness end up feeling highly exclusive. Especially in America, ambition is very tied to this idea of individualism, and I just started to think, Well, ambition can be about being ambitiously compassionate or ambitiously altruistic or ambitiously helpful or ambitiously curious. It’s about applying that idea of optimism and diligence to things that are not just about money, you know, and not just about materialism. And I think once I do that, then I feel okay about the way I’ve moved through the world.
Carrie brownstein

 

 

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon water, brain tea, chaga tea, avocado with fancy balsamic vinegar and olive oil, yucan crackers with coconut oil, mct oil and sea salt, plus avocado, manchego cheese, goat cheese I can’t remember the name of, raspberries, a giant bowl of soup made with chicken and beef bone broth, shirataki noodles, mushrooms, asparagus and egg, more raspberries

 

What I spent money on: $460 on the water bill, $286 on the trash bill

 

.

11/1/18 11:44am

 

Dear You,

I just got back from my former graduate advisor’s house. She lives on the other side of the hill, where the roads are narrower and whindy (how do you spell windy ?)

Her house feels like an antique cottage, 4 rocking chairs, a grand piano, we sit on the green sofa.

.

We’re going over the revised and ready to re-submit research paper we’ve been working on for the past 7 years.

.

I skimmed it last night. It actually looks pretty good, she did heavily revise it.

I used to not be able to read her writing.

Her writing is the most wordy academic sounding writing ever:

Vis a vis

nontrivial

problematic

are some words that seem to be sprinkled in,  somewhat excessively.

And then you have the jargon like

pedagogical content knowledge

.

Well here I’ll give you a piece:

 

We teach young children a basic understanding of microevolution that can can serve as a foundation for learning macroevolution at subsequent grade levels.  We develop this understanding in accordance with four design principles:

  1. Frame instruction in accordance with a learning progression that systemically mines students’ intuitions and emergent ideas.
  2. Develop children’s conceptual understanding and explanatory power in the context of scientific knowledge-building practices.
  3. Problematize instruction of key ideas, within the children’s participation in scientific practices.
  4. Maximize the power of their reasoning within these practices, by concentrating their inquiry within a single domain and particular organisms they study in-depth

.

This is actually pretty legible.

If you can get through the words, you’ll see this is pretty powerful stuff, we’re teaching 2nd and 3rd graders microevolution. Successfully.

Typical science education standards say

We’re supposed to wait until high school, when their abstract reasoning develops, supposedly.

 

I used to be so nervous when I was her graduate advisee, every time I met with her I can feel my anxiety levels shoot up.

I had this internal dialogue that she can see through me:

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I actually haven’t done anything since the last time we met.

I’m a fraud.

When is this meeting over?

.

But now I’m so relaxed it’s like visiting a friend or a mom.

She’s happy to see me. I’m happy to tell her the paper reads really well (well, relative to the last).

Oh I’m so happy to hear that! she exclaims. No one (in our research group) has read the paper, it’s so frustrating, I just feel like I’m writing in the dark.

I tell her I think it’s pretty close to being resubmitted. She feels it too.

She has this kinda antsyness when it comes to research stuff. I feel like I’m the calming one now.

Maybe our roles have been reversed since I got my PhD

And I came out to her (as a dominatrix)

And we started meditating together

.

She wants to create a 1.5 line break instead of a double line break between paragraphs, just so the paper doesn’t look to long.

It’s 61 pages (this is actually supposed to be our “short” paper).

I tell her the double line break works fine, it’ll be a lot of work to do a special 1.5 line break after every paragraph, and she can just add a note to the reviewers explaining why the paper “seems” longer.

She agrees.

 

We look at the paper together on her Macbook screen, we go over the “problematic” areas

“Are we getting into trouble here?” she likes to ask.

“I think it’s okay” I like to reply

.

She’s talking to me or herself, I find that when I say less she answers her own questions.

.

We end at 11:11.

.

I texted my hair stylist to see if he has an earlier opening today. We’re schedule to meet at 4:15. He says he’s free at 1:45. I take it.

.

It’s such a lovely day. I’m gonna eat my pancake outside..

.

I hope I have the drive to keep on continuing with the new beginning..

.

It’s like instead of forcing my writing into a structure, I’m trying to create the structure that allows everything to flow.

.

I keep thinking there’s a plug and play structure in here waiting to emerge.

I just need to see it..

.

This plug and play structure will allow my writing to connect to others within Pervette.

Dialogue style.

.

There’s something about the current structure that’s still stifling.

.

Dear You

It’s 5:33pm

I got my haircut in the city, stopped by the photolab to pick up the film I got developed.

I flipped through them in the car..

It was 5 years of film collected..

I stopped by the farmer’s market

And got some greens, strawberries, persimmons, pears, goat cheese, and eggs

.

They didn’t have avocados at the farmer’s market. I text P2, can you get me 5 organic avocados ready to eat tomorrow and the day after.

.

Something happened today. I ate my pancake outside, slowly, meditatively, and it set the mood for the rest of the day, now every moment feels like a meditation.

I’m outside right now writing to you. The air is so calm, slightly cool and warm at the same time.

How can the weather feel like a luxury?

How can everyday feel like a luxury?

Is it being in this house?

Is it these unstructured days

Of not working, not socializing

Not being on social media.

I feel so incredibly lucky that this is my life.

And I get to contemplate

How do I want to add value?

I still think it’s through pervette

.

Two books arrived today.

I have them right here on the bistro table outside

(I want to do everything outside, more fresh air more fresh air)

Impro (it’s really good)

and This is How You Lose Her

I thought that book would be in 2nd person,

I’m disappointed that it’s not.

He writes in a way that I can see why he’s being accused of sexual misconduct.

.

He supposedly kissed his grad student or something, but the charges are cleared.

.

I google “second person point of view books”

.

There’s so many things I don’t tell you about.

.

Like how I think about food and my body almost half the time

.

Like how important Cutie is in my day

.

Like how P’s work on self is quite a thing to witness.

He’s transforming before my eyes.

.

I wonder what it would be like if I became a brutal truth-teller.

Like I go on dates and tell people exactly what I see. Of coure I see potential. I also see all the things they need to work on to be their best or highest selves.

We all have blindspots, you see.

.

I have a session at 7. I should make dinner now and eat it outside..

11:11pm

 

Dear You,

It’s 11:11 on  11.1.18

.

I arrived at the dungeon at

Today was a surprisingly meditative day, in spite of it being a full day.

Meeting with my graduate advisor, getting my hair cut, picking up my photos, farmer’s market, session with J.

I think every day can be an exercise in meditation.

I ate mindfully today, that was a game changer.

.

Just chatted with P.

He ran into 3 of our medicine carrier friends today.

One was pretty crazy random. She was someone we just mentioned earlier this week when we decide to do ayahausca for NYE. We thought of her even though we haven’t seen her in years, since my DMT slash birthday party day.

.

P put in an order for 3 bottles of acid, 3 DMT pens, and 3 bottles of psyllocibin+lion’s mane

.

It feels like our tribe is comprised of medicine carriers and sexworkers.

And a few rich people, P adds.

.

P told me he deleted his Twitter app today.

Wow, that’s amazing, I tell him

I’m impressed at how he’s slowly eradicating all the things that he used to turn to compulsively.

Seeking Arrangement chicks, cannabis, now Twitter.

.

Man, I had so much I wanted to say about today, all the interesting tidbits I kept a mental note of to share with you, but I just hit a wall. Too tired to type. I think I’m gonna go get ready for bed and mediate.

And read..

 

Things I pout inside me: ACV, lemon water, chaga tea, plantain pancake and raspberries, goat and sheepsmilk cheese, more lemon water and chaga tea, a not so giant salad I made with the spring mix I got at the farmer’s market with a duck egg, chicken egg, Belcampo’s bacon, almonds, blueberries, grated parmasean cheese, some more slivers of cheese, a basket of tiny strawberries from the farmer’s market, lemon water

 

What I spent money on: $110 on haircut, $196 photos developed, $55 farmer’s market; Amazon $20 folding dry rack for the dressing room in the dungeon (I just got rid of the large clothing rack that was an eye sore in the dressing room, but we still need something to hang our washed latex and rope from) $20 on Whole Beauty a book by Shiva Rose (I added this book so I can qualify for next day delivery, I’ve also been thinking about it ever since I saw it at my friend’s house 5 months ago)

Friday, Nov 2, 2018, 9:44am

Orgy Room – Berkeley

Dear You,

What makes a morning a good morning?

Why do I feel so alert and ready to take on everything?

Could it be a full night’s rest? My clean eating from the day before?

.

It’s a good morning when:

I brush my teeth with my dominant (left) and submissive(?) hand (right)

I write out my morning pages

I remember parts of my dream

I make my bed with Cutie watching

I make my lemon water

I meditate

I chant

I get in my body, stretch or do some push ups, straighten my mid-line

I make my tea and enjoy it slowly.

.

I did all of the above

Therefore it’s a good morning

.

It’s one of those days where I feel like I can tackle the nitty gritty

Like clean out my inbox, declutter my desktop, cross things off my to do list

.

But maybe I should save that energy for the new beginning of Pervette.

.

I think I’m going to create the Domme Guide to Self-Care

or maybe it should be called the

Neurotic Girl’s Guide to Loving Your Body

.

The latter is more accurate and has a better ring to it.

.

I’m in the orgy room because it’s so sunny in here at this hour. I think I’m going to change my writing location through out the day and chase the sunlight in my house, it shifts at every hour.

.

I realize why I have this constant heightened appreciation for this house. It’s because there’s always something reminding me how impermanent it is. The talk of selling it, the fire that almost engulfed it..

.

It’s so hard to write in this room, all I want to do is pick up a camera and capture the orchids in full bloom, the glittering mandalas, the moving rainbows, the light, the light, the light..

.

The writer me vs the photographer me vs the

.

It’s all the recorder me

.

There’s always something going on outside

Last month there were thinning down the density of the trees

Now it’s my neighbor adding some more architectural lines to his roof

The sound of wood getting cut

Makes the silence

in between

Golden as this light

pouring in

.

 

1:11pm

Round table

Dear You,

I wrote something, added more to the point, and then I linked it to a memoir piece I wrote a while back.

I think I’m getting somewhere

.

Writing for pervette feels like this balance between finding my authentic voice and creating a space for it to live.

.

style and structure, I guess

.

After a good writing stint

I made a green smoothie,

I added too much water,

it’s a little runny even after I added another avocado and some more spinach

must remember

start little and add more

.

then I reblended my pancake batter with an extra egg since it was too thick

.

I made a pancake with a 100% cacao chocolate chip smiley face

It was cute but not that yummy.

.

I ate it outside in the sun

Trying to concentrate on the taste

Not thinking about anything else

.

S, the headmistress called and left a text

I never know how to feel when she reaches out,

which is rare.

Her friend is working on a project called Asian Desire

And wants to know if I’m interested.

.

Then I started reading This is How You Lose Her

Oh I see, it’s slightly in second person,

it’s like how I’m writing to you

right now.

It’s actually a fun read.

.

I was reading it outside sitting on the bistro chair, I moved the chair in the partial sun

How is it that at every moment I’m having this meta thought

I love my life

I’m very aware that everything that’s happening, everything I’m doing is making me really happy.

.

Every bite of this cracker and cheese

Every page I read

Every word I write

Every light step I take

Every look at the room/space around me

.

Is this mania?

.

Maybe it’s gratitude mania.

.

Maybe it’s my lens, why is everything so perfect?

.

Maybe it’s Cutie.

.

Okay, back to Pervette…

 

5:55pm

going nice and slow to the point

where it feels like i’m going back in time

like i’m 6 again

.

picking jasmines with cutie

in the magic hour

arranging them in a little vase

.

there’s something quite nice about having a fridge filled with cheese, greens, fruits, eggs, bone broth, mushrooms, I feel like a responsible healthy adult or something

.

I went for a walk before sunset, my neighbor, M aka weirdo, drove by and stopped to chat, he introduced me to his new dog that looks just like his one that died a few months ago. I said hello. He says I have a package that’s been sitting on my mailbox.

Oh really? I just checked my mailbox yesterday, I didn’t see any package.

He says it’s an Amazon package and it’s been sitting there for days.

.

On my walk back, I found the package on my mailbox. It was either delivered today or yesterday after I checked the mail.

Days?

.

When I was catching the sunset, T, my 90 year old neighbor came out to hug me.

She’s happy that I’m still here. She asked me how I like Santa Monica. I say it’s nice but it’s not like here. I love it here.

I showed her how to use voice memos on the iphone, so that she can capture our weirdo neighbor on audio if he hurts her again.

Just open this app, press the red button and then it’s recording.

Is it recording now? she asks.

Yes, it is.

.

I said goodbye to T, because P3 arrived and texted “Hi, I’m here”

.

I made us a salad as we caught up.

She’s been watching the Ken Burns documentary on the Vietnam War

.

She wants to go deep in this portraiture, we need to go to Vietnam

We need to fundraise…

.

 

.

What I put inside me: ACV, lemon water, glass of green smoothie I made, a plantain pancake with chocolate chips, some yucan crackers with briney goat cheese and some yucan crackers with coconut oil, mct oil and sea salt, chaga tea, more cheese, a salad I made for me and P3, more cheese with a warren pear, kimchee, a kiwi, more briney cheese with yucan crackers

I didn’t spend any money today.

 

Saturday, Nov 3, 2018 6:44pm

 

Dear You,

I just caught the sunset with P2 and Cutie. The air was so mild, shifting pockets of warm and coolness depending on where we stood, crickets chirping somewhat more frequently than usual. The sky was glowing magenta and bright orange, it got even more bright and spectacular after the sun had setted.

.

I love watching Cutie sit in P2’s open satchel, how she bounces ever so slightly with every step he takes. The more she’s treated like she’s alive, the more alive she becomes.

Every time he holds her in his arm it makes me want to hold her more.

.

P2 says his love for her keeps on growing, he wakes up in the middle of the night thinking of her.

I’m so glad there’s someone outside of me who sees her like I do, who loves her like I do. It makes me feel less crazy. Or maybe, it feels nice to know that I’m not the only one she’s driving crazy.

.

I’m still in monk mode. I can’t reply to anyone. There’s two peeps  reaching out I should meet with next week. In the city. It seems so daunting.

.

P2 and I sometimes communicate telepathically now. I don’t even need to tell him what to do or clean, he just knows.

.

I wonder if it’s because we’re synced on the Cutie wavelength, it makes it so that we don’t even have to speak.

.

Yesterday I thought I was gonna work on Pervette all day today.

That didn’t happen.

.

I woke up this morning thinking I want to do something about my hair.

It looks a little lifeless and dull.

I went upstairs to the library. Weird how among piles and stacks of books, I know exactly where this one hair book called The Modern Rapunzel is. It was in the very corner of the magazine holder of the Kartell table.

.

I was in a cleaning mood. I tidied up my closet, finally fully unpacked my clothes from my NY trip. I sprayed some tile cleaner in the bathroom shower to let it soak in.

Then I took it slow and meditated outside, listening to the bamboo. It was a warm and just ever so slightly windy day.

.

Then I took my rapunzel book to the bistro chair and table outside and read it.

I’ve had this book for a few years and yet I never bothered to read it.

It’s actually very informative.

.

I wore my laser helmet. I always forget to.

.

I did something I haven’t done in almost 20 years.

I brushed my hair.

Who knew brushing your hair was good for scalp circulation?

.

I made some purchases:

a chlorine shower filter

a slant board (supposedly this is a gamechanger)

Hair Be There shampoo and scalp oil

All recommended by the author. I went to to her website. She gives hair consultation? Of course I sent a request in to get a hair consultation with her.

.

The book took a holistic approach to hair care. The author writes as if she’s talking to you. Kinda like what I’m doing with you.

She said her a-ha moment came when her friend told her..

A woman’s job is to bring beauty into the world. 

Beauty is sensual. It’s essential. It’s personal. It’s spiritual. One of our roles is to endow life with inspiration, raising the human condition to the band of aesthetics.

.

I can’t remember the last time I finished a book in one sitting.

I had fun moving the bistro table and chair around the deck to reposition myself in relation to the sun. It was so sunny at some point, I kept on seeing green afterimages.

.

If you haven’t noticed, I have this thing where I like trying new things, adding new rituals. I’m excited about the slantboard, defying the effects of gravity, seems like a good idea..

.

Dad calls, I put him on speaker and on the table as I sit outside.

He says Trump is trying to enforce this new law where children of of illegal immigrants can’t become citizens. He says that’s a loophole he’s trying to close.

But isn’t that me? I ask him.

No you’re not.

I’m confused if the law applies to me.

If my parents were boatpeople and immigrated here in 1980, I was born here in 1982 and they eventually got their citizenship in the 90’s.

When P2 was telling me about this new law (he was really upset about it), he made it sound like it would apply to me.

Anyways my dad made it sound like it was a good thing. He said he’s never seen a president who’s done so much for his country. He’s truly a man worthy of being president.

I just listened. I had no idea he was so pro-Trump.

I’m not going to argue with a man who is on the spectrum.

.

 

When I got done reading, I made myself a yummy salad with asian pear in it, ate it outside.

I masturbated in the orgy room, came. That felt nice.

.

P2 came over. He was trying to get rd of things and wanted to see if I wanted this beat up copy of Ho Chi Minh’s Selected Articles and Speeches. I was surprised to hear that he was getting rid of things.

I had him scrub the bathroom grout, I thought I was going to write to you when he scrubbed but it was so satisfying to to watch him clean.

I started cleaning out my bathroom drawers. Holy fuck, I have a ton of toiletries. I started tossing stuff.

I made the switch to natural beauty products last year now there’s all this unnatural stuff laying around.

.

P2 and I filled out our voting ballots together. I made us pancakes..

.

After P2 took off, P texted photos, photo 1 was a pile of lingerie and anal plugs, photo 2 was pile of lingerie put in trash bag, photo 3 was trash bag going down the trash chute.

He says he’s making room for a “new me”

Wow.

.

The moon is waning.

Maybe that’s why everyone is purging

.

Dear You,

If I haven’t gotten back to you, it’s because something is telling me to save all my energy for myself.

.

I was so good for the first two weeks with going back and editing what I wrote to you. Then soon after, I couldn’t keep up

What you’re reading is so raw, and probably really crappy writing.

.

I’ll go back and add the memorable parts (the parts I remember, the parts I won’t forget) later

.

When I was doing the dishes tonight I had a realization as to why my feelings for Her turned so sour. It was the way She left. And took my things. When I asked for it back. Several times. No reply.

There was only item that I really want back.

.

 

I remember in 3rd grade, I found out that my best friend was stealing things from me. Very precious things.

She took this Pola makeup set that my mom gave me. It was my mom’s at first. It was the most beautiful display of colors. I was so happy that she gave it to me. We never actually used it. It was too beautiful.

She took my art set. A plastic yellow briefcase that held my watercolors, crayons, markers, pencils and paper.

I didn’t have much then. To have her steal what little I had was utterly devastating.

How can my friend do that to me?

Every time I thought about it I would cry.

I think I cried for 3 months.

.

That’s why it hurts.

I question everything with Her.

Did she really want to be my friend?

Or did she just want what I have?

.

She might be reading this,

So I’ve been holding back a lot

.

I want to create a section on Pervette where I recount all my traumas.

Then you’ll understand why

Or how I became so neurotic.

.

P and I have this ritual every night around 10:30pm

He spies on me through the security camera

Then he talks through the camera

Describing everything he sees

As though it’s slutmupp business as usual

Yep you got your books, your notebooks, your tea, Cutie, your recorder

yep that’s a mupp alright

I look like I just got caught

I don’t say anything (it creates a delay if I talk)

Sometimes if you’re quiet, you can catch a mupp in the wild, P would say

I move like a deer inching slowly

I make sure the recorder is on

Then I pick up the landline phone

I dial him up

He would say, Oh hey, I was just thinking of you

.

The security camera has brought us closer

I think

It’s a must have for LAT (living apart together) relationships

.

I think him seeing me hermit it at home makes it easier for him to be solo at night

.

I want to write about P and all the transformations he’s undergoing.

But I don’t know how much I should share.

It’s his story.

.

He says he’s ready to date again.

It’s been years since he’s had sex where he hasn’t paid for it.

.

I wonder how this is going to play out.

.

He says all the money he made in his late twenties has actually made him more isolated.

True, I said, he used money as a barrier (or condom) to intimacy.

.

He says he wants to work on his social skills.

I wonder how this is going to play out.

.

Maybe the timing will be perfect.

.

Maybe when he begins to date

I’ll finally build out that path in pervette,

the one where if you dig deep enough,

we might actually make contact

and get more intimate

.

oh the plans I have for pervette

.

I wonder if I can carve out the new beginning and plug it in before 11/11

That’s when I take off for my silent meditation retreat.

.

This one book I ordered

The Order of Sounds: A Sonorous Archipelago

was supposed to arrive Oct 24

Supposedly it was delivered.

I was really looking forward to having that book

.

No I’m not going to feel guilty about not working on Pervette today

I read a whole book today

That’s very rare

for someone who has ADHD

.

I’m getting closer, I swear.

I know the beginning that I want

It’s what I always wanted

Someone to tell me like it is

.

It’s just taking me 3 years

to get my writing juices ready

or to get confident enough to express myself

.

Dear You,

I don’t think I have performance anxiety

Or writer’s block.

I’m writing to you.

This is part of the unblock.

Now it’s just a matter of creating a structure that allows me

to stream my consciousness across multiple paths

.

I’m getting so fucking close, I swear.

.

12:34am

Holy fuck. Downloads…

..