(view outside of my window from jfk to sfo)

Scattered recollections to be filled in..


I did it.

I was nervous at first, but not as nervous as before.


I did something I haven’t done before in my workshop.

When I was topping B in front of the whole group.

I had her on her knees, her eyes was closed.

I stood before her.

Open your eyes.

She looked up at me.

I took off my bra and threw it on the ground.

Close your eyes

Then I proceeded to do what she told me I can do

“fuck her up”


When I asked A over dinner what was the group’s reaction when I took off my bra.

She said

I dunno I was too busy getting wet




I met with G and her producer friend at the production studio.

We started brainstorming..

We got a project..


A second documentary is now in the works.


I went to Williamsburg.

L and I ate some chocolate mushroom..

They said they might be getting emotional.


Dinner at Allswell.


Went home to change into a new outfit, went out at 11:11am


After some ketemine and lots of stretching, some dancing to Miley Cyrus, and bantering, I came home

around 5am.

Oh right, around 2am, our cab driver almost drove us into a construction barricade. If we both didn’t say Whoa (loudly) at the same time, it might’ve been a different ending to the night



Met a friend of a friend who wanted to session with me. But I suggested coffee.

We ended up eating our first big meal of the day.

He’s into intermittent fasting too.


He proceeded to tell me his secrets, fantasies and lovelife.


I went to Westbourne. Grabbed some healthyish food to take over to L’s.

I wanted to feed them and play Mommy.

We did DMT.

I stared at the trees outside her window.

And then I looked into her big doe eyes.

You have superpowers, I said to her

You have superpowers, she said to me.

We’re going to start a matriarchal revolution.

And I need you.

It makes me sad to see your power

be taken away by a boy

who actually needs her

to be powerful

in order to help him grow up.


Friday, Sep 28, 2018 11:55am

Moon Room – Berkeley


Dear You,

It’s been a whole week since I wrote to you. I’m sorry to keep you in the dark. So much has happened. I’ll see if I can catch you up.


Right now, I have my clue fuzzy blanket as my shawl. Cutie’s  staring at me, she’s next to a roll of toilet paper, and two measuring cups of tea. The last episode of Wild Wild Country is playing in the background.


I’m officially sick with the cold.


I feel so lucky.


It didn’t really hit me, the aches and slight congestion, until I was in the Lyft ride heading from from SFO.


If I had gotten sick any sooner, I might have not collected the stories and started the collaborations that I did this past week.


Having exhausted every bit of my self, it felt so good to wake up and have a clear sign from my body that I should cancel all my plans and commitments for today and tomorrow, and just finally rest.


Texted Z to let them know I won’t be able to flog them for their performance tonight.

Texted A to tell him that I’m under the weather and asked if we can get together next week instead.

Yes 🙂

We’re in sync.

He responds.

Always, I replied.

I still have your ticket, do you still want to go to TW, solo. Or should I give the ticket away?

Give it away. I was just going to see you, he texts, I have an idea for what we can do in October, but let’s chat about it later

I wonder what he has in mind?


I emailed slave a and told him we session on Oct 7 instead of tomorrow.


I texted D3 and told her I’m sick and we should push our slumber party from tomorrow to next week.

I have so much to tell you but I think we should wait until we’re face to face.


Texted P2 to let him know that I’m sick and I’ll see if I can make it to Frederick Wiseman screening of High School.

Texted P3 to let them know there’s tons of Pervette developments and I’m gonna see if I can make to Frederick Wiseman show.

It turns out P3 is also sick with the cold and still planning on going. That motivates me to go, too. And besides, Frederick Wiseman is going to be there in person, that’s crazy. I can always sit close to the exit and and take off if I really need to. Of course it would only be after he chats and introduces his film.


My bone broth, matzo ball soup, cornbread and chicken salad from Proposition Chicken arrived. The caviar courier was this super cute petite Asian girl. Her smile made me wish I gave her a more decent tip. I checked the app, you can’t add more tip them after you place the order. That seems like a flaw in the system.


It was so cloudy earlier. Now the sun is poking out.

I look out the glass door. Some of the leaves are turning yellow and falling.


It feels like a school day, and I’m the lucky kid, home sick. And I get to catch a matinee in a lil bit.


I used the frother in my espresso machine to heat up the bone broth.

Holy fuck, that was a great idea.

Frothy bone broth in a mug. There’s no other way.


Maybe it’s all the immunity tinctures I took last night and this morning, I feel pretty good for being sick, I mean I still have the energy to write to you.

And my nose isn’t running.


Just watched the death of Osho and what became of Sheela in Wild Wild Country. This and House of Z, the Zac Posen Doc I saw on the plane yesterday, feels like a cautionary tale about arrogance and elitism.


The goal is to experience ego death.

Not death by ego.


D5 texted me screencaps of what K is texting him. She asks him to send love to Ford as she bears her testimony today. Her whole class is doing it.

And someone asked if we should have the men we know give a fuck, join us.


I watched her bear her testimony on Instagram and NY times.

It’s interesting how she incorporates neurobiology into her testimony.

Indelible in the hippocampus is the sound of their laughter, at my expense..


Kavanaugh sounds like a cornered lying dick.

I love the look of Alyssa Milano’s face behind Kavanaugh as he tries to deflect his blackout drinking problems.


Look at me, said a women to a politician who possibly voted for Kavanaugh and is trying to look away when she told him that she was assaulted.


X texted me. I didn’t reply to her long text in February.

She sent me a Quilette article written by a mutual writer friend, S, entitled

How an Anonymous Accusation Derailed my Life

She wanted my take on it.


The security camera pans to me.

Hey Mupps, you left the (something) out.

It was hard to hear him through the camera

I call him up.


P says I left the butter out.
He was checking the kitchen cam.

Oh right, I was buttering my corn biscuit.

He said didn’t want to bother me but he saw that the butter was out, so..

I told P how I canceled all my plans today and tomorrow.

He says that’s little mupps

I go go go and go until I get super tired.

Yeah, I’m pretty tired, I says in my mupp voice

It makes one wonder if there’s a middle path in life.

What? Makes you wonder about what?

If there’s a middle path in life.

Oh yeah, there is, Mupps.. There is a middle path. Funny that you should say that.  Have you been reading some sutras or something?

I’ve been reading all sorts of things, about someone Hart and Gwyneth Paltrow.

He rattles off some buddhist platitudes.


What’s going on, Mupps. I went to like New York and you’re all like well read, or something.

He laughs. It’s good to flatter him.

Whatever the truth is it’s probably really simple, P says, that’s why he’s just reading the diamond sutra.

I tell him I’ve been watching snippets of this women bearing her testimony against Kavanaugh as well as his.

P says he


I just avoided the whole topic.

It’s pretty interesting.

Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on there, but I have a feeling there’s no truth on either side.

You should check it out. Then you can hear the truth for yourself. It’s all in the tone.

Uh huh.


I can feel the slight tension I’m creating. I’m trying to subtly prove my point. That she’s speaking the truth. And he’s obviously lying.

He doesn’t know that because he’s not open to hearing it.




I’m so glad I caught the Wiseman film.


He says he doesn’t do any research beforehand. He lets his filming be the research.

I think that’s my approach too.


I love the close up shots of faces and hands.


So glad I cancelled on Twisted Windows.

The film and Q&A lasted till 5. My rehearsal at TW was at 6 in the city. Which meant I had to motor after the film.

But instead I got to catch up with P3 (as P2 listened on) at BAM. They have a producer who works for Universal on board. They also have a color correction person in mind that they know, who worked on Icarus. I told them I have a producer too who can help us shop our sizzle.

They’re not as excited as I thought they would be when I told them that I’m going to meet K, the former domme whom I admire. They’re really interested in this portraiture of me.


We need to work on the font of Pervette, they say.


After P3 takes off to go home and rest. P2 and I found a spot on the grass on the Oxford side of campus, sat down, pulled out Cutie, and mostly talked about her the whole time.


She’s alive because I love her so much.

All that love can make anything become alive.

Was one theory.


P3 says she’s like a little vampire that gives and lives off love.


Why don’t you take what you do at the bootcamp, helping women find their inner domme, and do your own version of it here, maybe even at your home? P suggests.

That’s a really good idea..


P2 says after the film and hearing me and P3 talk, his mind is spinning with ideas..

Mine too.


I drop P3 off at his car and stopped by the store to pick up some lemons, avocados and baby spinach.


On the ride home, I think about him.


There was no physical attraction at all in the beginning.


I would say there still isn’t. But I can’t help but to rewind back to these moments of us, on DMT, arriving at Holy Fuck together.

I think it was the moment when we realized that we have a project together.

And it’s going to be fucking brilliant.

I get off on ideas.

I think that’s what it is.


It’s almost like I want to give him the cheatsheet, that he already has.


Do you know

This is the way to my heart?

We make love by making art.

We’re going to have a baby together,

Her name is Pervette,



Who is this guy

that I kissed

under the moon

on dmt


Between your face and the moon, I’m in heaven,

He’s a writer


and producer

says imdb


Good to know


He plays a panda


I play with a panda


How do you feel?


Isn’t that the more important question?


Do people still care about

What do you think?


I went over our recordings.

The sound was faint when we first met because the recorder was in my bag. But you can kinda make out the words.


I need to watch Eyes Wide Shut.


Oh my god I was supposed to get some rest, but instead I’m still up. Going down this rabbithole.

I watched a youtube video called the REAL eyes wide shut and I’m still reading the thousands of comments..

the missing the 24 minutes scene




Saturday, September 29, 2018 11:33am



Dear You,

It felt like a lazy Saturday morning about an hour ago.


I’m reading the Quilette article X sent me yesterday. There S describes how he was anonymously accused of rape and sexual misconduct on this Shitty Men in Media list and the consequences of that, it’s total career suicide, leading him to consider suicide itself.

X wanted to know my thoughts, so I texted her.

Well first I apologized for being out of touch, since February.

I’ve been in monk mode and have fallen out of rhythm in corresponding.

Then I tell her I believe S. He’s not a rapist. He may be needy in affection, but totally not a rapist.

I know S, he is actually a good friend, and a total submissive.

I text him..

S, I just read your quilette piece. Holy fuck I had no idea what you were going through, it’s so terrible. Please call me if you wanna chat


Dad calls.

He says, Can you believe what’s happened to Bill Crosby. He once lived in a mansion and now he’s in prison and he eats a tiny bowl of rice a day.

I get what he’s saying, it sucks to be him.

Weinstein is next, he says. And this thing about, he struggles with the name-


Yeah. Did you watch it yesterday?

I did.

They asked her what the address of the party was and she didn’t remember it.

Holy fuck. I thought it was obvious to the masses. But maybe not.


He asked me what I was doing in NY. It was hard to describe to him what I was doing. He still thinks I work at Berkeley.


I opened my computer to see what my reading assignmennt for class was, but I was drawn towards my recently opened tabs.

I googled adrenochrome.

Landed on a reddit page, that linked to Jim Carrey trying to expose the illuminati (he does the secret hand gesture) on the Jimmy Kimmel show.

Youtube Jim Carrey Secret Hand Gesture


Holy fuck. It felt like a bright lazy Saturday morning but now that my mind is spinning. It feels like fall, and the weather is shifting, things feel darker.


I made a strange connection last night..

Kubrick “had a heart attack” (or was killed with a special dart gun that creates the semblance of a heart attack) shortly after making Eyes Wide Shut

because supposedly the film was exposing the illuminati and Rothschilds.

Pasolini was brutally murdered after making Salo.

Both films touch on the topic of children being tortured by the higher powers.


What if something is going on?

I remember my singing coach telling me that she believes planet Earth is being hijacked by aliens. And the people in positions of power are pawns for the aliens.

So what if these aliens are connected to the illuminati and secret satanic societies (whose members are in government and Hollywood) and they do feed off the blood of the innocent?


I know I know it sounds crazy.

But I’m not going to write it off as impossible.

I hold lots of beliefs/theories as potentially true as I try to connect the dots. If you write something off right away then you’re losing potential possibilities of what’s really happening.

The theories (even the conspiracy ones) are theories  might help explain the inexplicable reality that we are in.

How is is that the structures of power in the world we live in feels so corrupt and fucked up?

What if there’s some underlying structure that’s holding it together that we’re not privy to?

Because so much of what’s going on feels like crazy-making. It actually takes a crazy theory to help us make sense of it all.

What if the truth is really crazy?


What if there are awake people who are trying to wake us up?


It’s so funny how I was looking into Eyes Wide Shut because I was looking for inspo for the Pervette sexshow and now I’m down this rabbithole, getting curiouser about what the fuck is going on.


Jesus. I’m going down the Jim Carrey rabbithole (like I did with Russel Brand). He’s trying to explain the truth in his interviews. He sounds slightly crazy. But the truth makes anyone sound slightly crazy.


What you do in life chooses you.


I suddenly have this dream of interviewing woke celebrities and going deep with them in their spirituality, asking them to share their wisdom..


S replies, Oh my god that means so much to me. I’m going to call you soon. Love you xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.


I feel charged right now. I want to dig and follow my curiosity.

I just want truth to come out.



Back to my previous week